0:00:25 > 0:00:30APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:37 > 0:00:41the show where three guests compete to have their biggest bugbears
0:00:41 > 0:00:44banished for ever to the notorious vault.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Joining me tonight are former England cricketer, Phil Tufnell,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49writer and broadcaster, Victoria Coren,
0:00:49 > 0:00:52and national treasure, Sir Terry Wogan.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56CHEERING
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Can we have our first category?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Oh, it's sport.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12So what winds up Terry about sport?
0:01:12 > 0:01:14< That one.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:01:18 > 0:01:21This is a finely worked piece here.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23And it does sum up what I feel about sport.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27It is exacerbated by the London Olympics.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31Some poor fellow or girl would come out of the swimming pool
0:01:31 > 0:01:36or off an athletics track drained of all emotion,
0:01:36 > 0:01:39four to six years of training gone for nothing
0:01:39 > 0:01:42because they'd come fourth or last.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46Speechless with disappointment and exhaustion.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51And a fellow like him sticks a microphone under their nose
0:01:51 > 0:01:53and says, "How are you feeling?"
0:01:53 > 0:01:56LAUGHTER
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Yeah, there was a moment in the London Olympics when -
0:01:59 > 0:02:03I don't know if you remember this - two guys, Purchase and Hunter, they were rowers,
0:02:03 > 0:02:04and they got silver.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06And John Inverdale interviewed them after
0:02:06 > 0:02:10and they were in a terrible state. I mean, they were broken men.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13And one of them said, "Ah, just sorry we've let everyone down."
0:02:13 > 0:02:16And John Inverdale said, "You haven't let anyone down."
0:02:16 > 0:02:19And I was sitting at home and I thought, "Well, steady on,
0:02:19 > 0:02:22"John, I actually do feel a bit let down.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26"Let's not go over the top, you know, silver...
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- "Pfft!" - LAUGHTER
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Phil, I imagine you didn't work up much of a sweat, did you?
0:02:32 > 0:02:38Well, no, not really. As you say, I was never out of breath, really.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39I was a little spin bowler
0:02:39 > 0:02:43and then just sat in the dressing room drinking tea and smoking fags
0:02:43 > 0:02:45while we were batting.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Any young people watching...
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Harold Larwood, the England fast bowler, when they brought out the drinks interval,
0:02:53 > 0:02:56he used to have a pint of bitter.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Yes, so did some of the boys when I toured.
0:02:58 > 0:03:03At my first test match we were out there, Lambie, big Botham, Gower.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05The drinks break, they all come out and,
0:03:05 > 0:03:06"Have a little drop of that, Tuffers.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09"That'll make you feel better." Gin and tonic.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10LAUGHTER
0:03:10 > 0:03:13One of the things that was great about the Olympics -
0:03:13 > 0:03:17apart from the sport which was an unfortunate by-product -
0:03:17 > 0:03:21wasn't it nice that for all youngsters watching, there was
0:03:21 > 0:03:22this sense of a new sort of hero.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26They'd been watching these awful reality stars
0:03:26 > 0:03:30and here was a type of person with goals and ambitions that were
0:03:30 > 0:03:33more inspiring, for which you need to get some personality.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36You need to hear some of the emotion.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38If you just saw them doing the sport,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- you wouldn't get the same lesson in it.- That was very good.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44You sound like my sports psychologist. That was fantastic.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Do you have a sports psychologist?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48No, I didn't go.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50LAUGHTER
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Maybe I'm being a begrudger,
0:03:52 > 0:03:56but I just found it a little bit disheartening that people come off
0:03:56 > 0:03:59not having done so well and they get a microphone.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Perhaps if they were allowed to rest for a little bit,
0:04:02 > 0:04:04put their thoughts together
0:04:04 > 0:04:08in the same way that Sir Alex Ferguson is always interviewed.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11A considerable time after the game.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13But he's still horrible.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15But he's not out of breath.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17That's true.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21I can tell this is coming from a good place. That's fair enough.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25OK, what is Phil's sports gripe?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Careful. There he comes.
0:04:29 > 0:04:34Yes, the Australian cricket team from 1990 to 2002.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36LAUGHTER
0:04:36 > 0:04:38APPLAUSE
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Does that coincide with your own career?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46- It does, funnily enough. - I thought it might.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49They made my life a misery for 12 years.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53I think five Ashes series I participated in. Won none.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Won the odd Test match, but we never won a series and, er,
0:04:57 > 0:05:01you know, that side that we came up against, I think statistically,
0:05:01 > 0:05:05was the best side that's ever played the game, and I managed to cop it.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08The only thing you ever won in Australia was
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!- It was.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18But they knew it as well.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20That's what really annoyed me about 'em.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22It was hard not to notice for them, wasn't it?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25I know, and they used to sledge you and they used to give you stick.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28I mean, one of the best sledges, I think, was off Ian Healy.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31He said to me, just as Shane Warne was coming up to bowl,
0:05:31 > 0:05:34he said, "Oi, Tuffers, can you lend me your brain?
0:05:34 > 0:05:35"I'm building an idiot."
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Your batting average against Australia -
0:05:41 > 0:05:42- do you know what that is?- Erm...
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Three?
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- It's not quite that high. - What, a little bit more?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- Not that high?- It's 2.72.
0:05:50 > 0:05:512.72?!
0:05:56 > 0:05:59For people who don't know about cricket,
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Phil's fielding was quite legendary,
0:06:02 > 0:06:06and just to give you an insight into what Phil's fielding was like,
0:06:06 > 0:06:09we have a clip of him on The One Show,
0:06:09 > 0:06:11which sort of is an echo of it.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15This, in 1990, would have cost you 780 quid, right?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17- Just one bottle? - One bottle of that.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21And now, if you wanted to flog that now - £23,000.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23So, it's amazing and...
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- Just think what you could do with that much money!- I know. I know.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29- Would you drink that? - It's got like currency.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32- I'd drink it, but I wouldn't buy it. - Yeah.- No, it's b... Oh!
0:06:32 > 0:06:34LAUGHTER
0:06:34 > 0:06:37PHIL LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Yes, what a beauty!
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- But it was a scam. - It was a scam.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Now, that was very expertly done, but a very fine gag.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50I watched that at home and completely thought you'd knocked...
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Maybe because I could remember this incident.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Oh, hello.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59TONY GREIG: Oh, there's a mix-up, there's going to be a run-out!
0:06:59 > 0:07:00LAUGHTER
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Oh, my goodness gracious me!
0:07:04 > 0:07:08You would not believe that that was possible.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11He got so excited.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Sorry, Phil.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13HE GROANS
0:07:13 > 0:07:17That's the first time I've actually wanted to cry on a cricket field.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19As an Australian bloke once said to me,
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- AUSSIE ACCENT:- "You were about as popular as a ginger-haired stepson."
0:07:27 > 0:07:30OK, let's have a look at Victoria's sports hate.
0:07:35 > 0:07:41I don't like people who are naked in public changing rooms.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50I'm not comfortable with nudity when it's me alone in the bath.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55I certainly don't want to be trying to put my clothes back on
0:07:55 > 0:07:59in the gym, you know, appropriately, under a towel, sliding things on,
0:07:59 > 0:08:00and someone just strolls past,
0:08:00 > 0:08:04and it's usually somebody perfect - they go to the gym all the time -
0:08:04 > 0:08:06all, you know, perky and completely hairless.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10"Look at me, I'm perfect. Why don't you just kill yourself now?"
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Don't they have cubicles in ladies'...
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Is it open-plan in a ladies' changing room?
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- There's lockers where your stuff is. - But it's all out in the open, is it?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21- Yeah, but you don't have to... - I didn't know that.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24I like the way when Phil said, "All in the..."
0:08:24 > 0:08:25he did a bit of a swagger.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30It's even worse in a blokes' gym, I imagine.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33What do you mean, you "imagine"? You don't go?
0:08:33 > 0:08:34No, I've been in one once.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36But it's hard to compare, obviously.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39With men... How can I put this delicately at this hour?
0:08:39 > 0:08:42But with men, size is very much...
0:08:42 > 0:08:46You know, with women, I don't know if women have made up their mind
0:08:46 > 0:08:50about whether big breasts or small breasts are superior in any way.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53With men, the votes have all been counted.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55LAUGHTER
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Well, I say it about ladies' changing rooms
0:08:57 > 0:09:00cos that's where I am more often than in the men's.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03You should get around more.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Men are exactly the same.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09We all feel completely inadequate,
0:09:09 > 0:09:12and then somebody walks in, bit like yourself...
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Yes, I think I represent the small handful.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28I have found, um, a way round it, and I would recommend this.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Now, this is a commercially available item.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35We haven't had this made for the show or anything.
0:09:35 > 0:09:40But you can take one of these into a dressing room...
0:09:42 > 0:09:46..and, er, obviously by now you're getting a few stares, but...
0:09:48 > 0:09:52So you just set this up, and then zip it down,
0:09:52 > 0:09:55you go in with your, um, you know, your gear on...
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Yeah.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01And, um, you have all the privacy you need.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04TOILET FLUSHES
0:10:04 > 0:10:06LAUGHTER
0:10:11 > 0:10:14But that's a genuine item that people, er... That people use.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17- Good.- Wondering what else was going to jump out then!
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Yeah, that would have been better, wouldn't it,
0:10:19 > 0:10:21if a girl had come out in a sequin leotard?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23We don't have that kind of money.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25LAUGHTER
0:10:25 > 0:10:28OK, we come to the end of that round.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31You've all argued your cases very well, I must say.
0:10:31 > 0:10:36I, myself, suffer in dressing rooms,
0:10:36 > 0:10:40through insecurity and horror and envy,
0:10:40 > 0:10:44but I sort of think it's my problem,
0:10:44 > 0:10:46rather than their problem,
0:10:46 > 0:10:51and I know it's very tough for those losers being interviewed,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53but I do like the drama of it,
0:10:53 > 0:10:55and also I hate the Australian cricket team,
0:10:55 > 0:10:58so I'm going to put them into Room 101.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59CHEERING
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Anyway, let's have our next category.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21So, what winds Phil up about food and drink?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Ah!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Hors d'oeuvres. Would you like an hors d'oeuvre, Terry?
0:11:29 > 0:11:33- I'd love one, but I've been warned against them.- Yes, precisely.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34I couldn't agree more.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38No, hors d'oeuvres, can't sta... I don't think I've ever actually
0:11:38 > 0:11:41enjoyed eating any single hors d'oeuvre in me life, to be fair.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43- Really?- You're at a posh do, aren't you,
0:11:43 > 0:11:46with your DJ on and you're sitting there having a drink,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49and there's this little chap with sort of a roof tile,
0:11:49 > 0:11:52full of all this little sort of stuff coming round, and he goes,
0:11:52 > 0:11:54"Would you like an hors d'oeuvre?" You go, "No."
0:11:54 > 0:11:57They keep coming back. "Would you like an hors d'oeuvre?"
0:11:57 > 0:11:59"No, can you leave me alone? I'm having a chat."
0:11:59 > 0:12:01So eventually you go, "Well, OK, what are they?"
0:12:01 > 0:12:04and the bloke goes, "Pfft! Dunno, but I wouldn't have one".
0:12:04 > 0:12:06You know what I mean?
0:12:06 > 0:12:09And they look disgusting, and so you eventually go,
0:12:09 > 0:12:11"Oh, go on, I'll try one," and it's disgusting,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14and you spend the next five minutes sort of going...
0:12:16 > 0:12:20..and trying to find somewhere to spit it out. I can't stand 'em.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24All you're doing is reinforcing your image as an unsophisticated lout.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26- Well, no... - LAUGHTER
0:12:28 > 0:12:29I couldn't agree more.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33I mean, what is wrong with a Twiglet?
0:12:36 > 0:12:38That's a very good discussion point.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42It's small food. No point of it.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Well, there's ways round this.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47I mean, for a start, I wear the plate ring.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52And then...
0:12:52 > 0:12:55And then I can be chatting to someone in an animated fashion,
0:12:55 > 0:12:58and I say, "Oh, there you go,"
0:12:58 > 0:13:01and I even go so far as a finger fork.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08These are all a way round it.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12Well, I don't like big, bloating meals any more.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14I like little delicate...
0:13:14 > 0:13:16And you get to taste all sorts of different things.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20I like them to start, and then I like the big, bloating meal afterwards.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25OK! Well, you've got the best of all possible worlds.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29OK, then. What doesn't Victoria like about food and drink?
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Yes, I don't like the phrase "English breakfast tea".
0:13:39 > 0:13:42It's that... It's just tea.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Something's happened the last few years,
0:13:46 > 0:13:49I think, since the encroachment of these giant coffee places
0:13:49 > 0:13:54trying to make you drink sort of huge American children's drinks.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59And they're trying to trick us into thinking that tea isn't a thing.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02They make it sound niche. They make it sound small.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05They make it sound like you're a bit pernickety for wanting it.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07No. Cup of tea. Call it by its simple name.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11But you could easily end up with a cup of Lapsang Souchong.
0:14:11 > 0:14:17Well, then you're entitled to throw it in the face of the person that brought it for you and say,
0:14:17 > 0:14:18"I want normal tea."
0:14:21 > 0:14:25I-I don't know if you're legally entitled to do that.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27But it's... I think, for example,
0:14:27 > 0:14:29it's very rude not to have in your house
0:14:29 > 0:14:31the ingredients of a normal cup of tea.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34You have to have those things in your house. It's rude not to.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37But people think it's OK to offer tea when they just mean
0:14:37 > 0:14:40they've got some strange thing they can make into a hot health drink.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Don't want it. Just tea.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44LAUGHTER
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Blimey!
0:14:48 > 0:14:52This feels to me a bit like a sort of new age colonialism,
0:14:52 > 0:14:56cos you're saying that all the Lapsang Souchongs and the Ceylons
0:14:56 > 0:14:59and the Darjeelings are some sort of quirky splinter group.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03You're a tea fascist, that's what you are.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05This is what you should be drinking out of...
0:15:09 > 0:15:12I mean, that is brilliant, but it's not a new colonialism.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15It's a fight against the colonialism by the Americans.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- Everybody knows what I mean by those coffee chains...- Oh, yeah.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21..that come here, take over the high streets,
0:15:21 > 0:15:23drive the little independent places out of business,
0:15:23 > 0:15:26don't really pay any tax - we're getting nothing in return -
0:15:26 > 0:15:29in return for being tricked into having giant drinks that
0:15:29 > 0:15:32make us fat and rot our teeth and turn us gradually into Americans.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36We're not even getting a penny in tax money, and the fight-back...
0:15:36 > 0:15:38It's true, it's not just about drinking tea.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41It's also about remembering who we are and being proud of it,
0:15:41 > 0:15:43not in a fascist way,
0:15:43 > 0:15:46in a little, local, quiet, polite, knitting,
0:15:46 > 0:15:49how-are-you-over-the-garden-fence tea kind of way.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Do you ever use an infuser?
0:15:57 > 0:15:58- No!- No?
0:15:58 > 0:16:01I put a tea bag in a cup and I pour boiling water on it.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04This is called the TEA.Tanic.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06LAUGHTER
0:16:08 > 0:16:11And look - it hangs on the side so it's in sinking mode.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16I would like to just check here that you used a glass cup
0:16:16 > 0:16:18so that everyone could see the TEA.Tanic there,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21not because you think it's acceptable to have a glass cup.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Well, y-you are very strict, Victoria, I must say.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28My mum always used to say her dream was to have a see-through teapot
0:16:28 > 0:16:32so she could watch all the mechanics of the tea brewing.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37We were simple people, I'll be honest with you.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38She also used to say,
0:16:38 > 0:16:41"Don't put hot tea bags in the bin or you'll set it on fire."
0:16:44 > 0:16:47What doesn't Terry like about food and drink?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51There won't be anything.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Well, I wouldn't say I don't like crisps.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58It's packaging. Not just packaging for...
0:16:58 > 0:17:03- You know, tin of sardines, or your favourites, the pilchard...- Ah, yes.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07You put the finger in the ring thing,
0:17:07 > 0:17:09dislocate your finger,
0:17:09 > 0:17:11break your toenail,
0:17:11 > 0:17:13damn thing comes away,
0:17:13 > 0:17:16and you've got to get a tin opener anyway.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18And it's all for a sardine.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- Mm.- But if you take it even further,
0:17:20 > 0:17:22I mean, when you get to my distinguished age...
0:17:22 > 0:17:24FRANK TITTERS
0:17:24 > 0:17:26..it becomes very difficult to open things.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28- AUDIENCE:- Awww!
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Has anybody tried to break into a toothbrush lately?
0:17:32 > 0:17:33LAUGHTER
0:17:38 > 0:17:40You're in the bathroom, you think,
0:17:40 > 0:17:44"Ah, I will restore my dentures to their pristine glory.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46"I have a new toothbrush here."
0:17:49 > 0:17:54Apparently, Terry, I'm told that the way to get into a toothbrush
0:17:54 > 0:17:55is with a tin opener,
0:17:55 > 0:17:59that a tin opener runs down the natural groove round the side
0:17:59 > 0:18:01and then it comes out quite neatly.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- So, um...- You turned out to be a bit of a smart aleck, didn't you?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- Yeah. I haven't tried it yet. I've got a tin opener.- Oh.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09A pretty sophisticated tin opener.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11If I can get the packaging off!
0:18:16 > 0:18:17I have scissors.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20HE GROANS
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Anyway, apparently that works.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28You know those kind of bottles that you think,
0:18:28 > 0:18:31"Oh, I'll just screw the top off it," but you can't.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34You've got to press it down before you turn it round,
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- and it still doesn't come off.- Right.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40There you are, without your vinegar for your chips...
0:18:40 > 0:18:41FRANK CHUCKLES
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- And it goes on for ever. - It's difficult.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47It's made me realise why old people get up so early,
0:18:47 > 0:18:48cos they need about...
0:18:53 > 0:18:56I like them to be a bit difficult,
0:18:56 > 0:18:58cos is there any greater joy
0:18:58 > 0:19:02than when your girlfriend passes you a bottle or a jar and says,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05"Can you open this?" and you go...
0:19:05 > 0:19:07And inside, obviously, you're really straining,
0:19:07 > 0:19:10and you just pass it back casually like that,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12but, really, your spirit is going, "Yes!"
0:19:13 > 0:19:15I tend to hand the thing to me wife!
0:19:17 > 0:19:19So, um, we come to the end of that round.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22My goodness me, it's a good one, I tell you.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23I like hors d'oeuvres,
0:19:23 > 0:19:27and your argument is that you don't handle them very well,
0:19:27 > 0:19:31but to remove them for everyone - I don't think that seems fair.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35The trouble is you just can't hold on to anything, Phil. Simple as that.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43I'm on my fourth wife.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- So you're not wrong.- That's er...
0:19:53 > 0:19:56And, Victoria, I know what you mean, but I do think
0:19:56 > 0:19:59we have to accept there are many teas. They're not all weirdo teas.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02They are proper tea leaves, and we need to distinguish them.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05But I have to admit that as I get older,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08life is becoming a war against packaging on food
0:20:08 > 0:20:14and so many things, so I am going to put food packaging into Room 101.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Next category, please.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Ah, this is the wildcard round, so the gloves are off.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35No categories to worry about.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39You can just choose anything at all you don't like.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41So, what is Victoria's wildcard?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49I don't like windows that don't open,
0:20:49 > 0:20:54or worse, that open slightly but not properly.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56And people will know this if they travel for work,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59because it's a particular kind of British hotel
0:20:59 > 0:21:02that you'd never go and stay in for a holiday, but you're there,
0:21:02 > 0:21:06and they've got a window, and it opens a little bit like that,
0:21:06 > 0:21:08but not more, and if you ask them to open it some more,
0:21:08 > 0:21:10they won't, but for your own safety.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14If they're under the impression that everyone who wants to kill themselves would think,
0:21:14 > 0:21:17"I'm so unhappy, I want to end it. Oh, the window doesn't open.
0:21:17 > 0:21:22"I think I'll just devote my life to charitable works instead,"
0:21:22 > 0:21:24then that's fine, if that's the reason.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27I've stayed in that hotel, though, those hotels,
0:21:27 > 0:21:29and after a couple of nights,
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I fancied throwing meself out the window.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I know the one you mean.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36You can still get stuff out of those slightly...
0:21:36 > 0:21:38I mean, luckily for rock stars,
0:21:38 > 0:21:42this has happened, along with the rise of the flatscreen TV.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50I, um, I know a little tune about windows.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Ah!
0:21:52 > 0:21:54You ready?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56MICROSOFT WINDOWS OPENING TUNE
0:22:02 > 0:22:05There is a serious point. I really mean this quite seriously.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08It seems like a trivial thing, that the window doesn't open,
0:22:08 > 0:22:12but it's part of a huge problem which is becoming OK to tell people
0:22:12 > 0:22:15that something restrictive is for their own safety,
0:22:15 > 0:22:18and the things to worry about being told it's for your own safety
0:22:18 > 0:22:21are massive queues at airports, ID cards,
0:22:21 > 0:22:25body scanners at the railway station, police carrying guns.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27You're told it's for your own safety, but somehow,
0:22:27 > 0:22:31whenever you hear those words, it's yourself being restricted
0:22:31 > 0:22:33and somebody else taking control, and when I hear it,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36I just want to smash my way through the window with a hammer.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38LAUGHTER
0:22:42 > 0:22:45It's a very fine line, all this, though, this thing about,
0:22:45 > 0:22:48you know, we've got to have our rights and that.
0:22:48 > 0:22:49Some people are not as bright as you
0:22:49 > 0:22:52and they need protecting from their own foolishness.
0:22:52 > 0:22:57You think there are people that are so stupid that you have to not allow them to open the window,
0:22:57 > 0:23:00in case they don't know how to stay on the right side of it?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02LAUGHTER
0:23:02 > 0:23:05I could argue that perhaps I'm being a bit more broad-minded than you,
0:23:05 > 0:23:08whereas your mind can only open this far.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12So, what is Terry's wildcard?
0:23:18 > 0:23:21"Research shows..."
0:23:21 > 0:23:23"Research shows..."
0:23:23 > 0:23:27I think it's best illustrated by coffee.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28I have a small, er...
0:23:28 > 0:23:30This may take some time.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31LAUGHTER
0:23:31 > 0:23:34"According to a Greek study, one cup of coffee a day
0:23:34 > 0:23:36"could reduce your blood pressure.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39"British research says it could keep you awake all night,
0:23:39 > 0:23:43"which, according to Japanese research, is bad for your heart.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45"Two cups a day, says the University of Florida,
0:23:45 > 0:23:47"could keep Alzheimer's at bay,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49"but according to a French researcher,
0:23:49 > 0:23:51"could be dangerous if you're pregnant.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53"A US study has found that three cups a day
0:23:53 > 0:23:55"can lower the risk of gallstones,
0:23:55 > 0:23:58"while another from Sweden reports that three cups
0:23:58 > 0:24:00"may make a woman's breasts shrink.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03"Meanwhile, down in Japan,
0:24:03 > 0:24:06"researchers have found five coffees a day
0:24:06 > 0:24:08"will reduce the risk of liver damage.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10"On the other hand, it may lead to osteoporosis."
0:24:12 > 0:24:14I think a cup of tea is the wisest thing.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Course, you needn't worry about any of these foods
0:24:21 > 0:24:23cos you can't get through the packaging.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Exactly. And, of course,
0:24:26 > 0:24:29I have my racing snake figure to think about as well.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33But it is confusing. There used to be things that were good for you
0:24:33 > 0:24:35and things that were bad for you, and that was it.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Do you remember this advert from my youth?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39CROWD CHEERS
0:24:40 > 0:24:43May I have your autograph, please, Mr Best? I've seen you on telly.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47- And I've seen you on telly. You're Aunt Bet's nephew, aren't you?- Yeah.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Remember that last match in Spain?
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- Cor!- Terrible game. Didn't have an egg for breakfast.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Well, there you are.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54PHIL SPLUTTERS
0:24:55 > 0:24:57But eggs were definitely good for you then, no doubt.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Milk was definitely good for you.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02It was straightforward, but it has changed horribly.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06I was always told that you can survive just on Guinness.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11It's meant to be very good for you, Tel.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14You should know about the Guinness. Like a drop of Guinness?
0:25:14 > 0:25:18- As soon as I could afford to drink something else...- You did.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26OK, what is Phil's wildcard?
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Yes!
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Tips.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34To tip, or not to tip?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36That is the question.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Because I don't go to work... Or when I used to play cricket,
0:25:39 > 0:25:43get a few wickets or something, and someone at the end of the day go,
0:25:43 > 0:25:45"Listen, you did really well today, Phil.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47"Here's a couple of quid. Go and have a drink."
0:25:47 > 0:25:49You know what I mean? No-one used to tip me.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53Whereas cricketers in Pakistan - it happens all the time.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59I was in America the other day, and I went into a brasserie.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02I sat down, I had a cup of coffee and a ham sandwich,
0:26:02 > 0:26:07the bill's come up, it said US10, so I got 10 out.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I was in there for, you know, five minutes.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Put the US10 down, I walked out of the brasserie,
0:26:12 > 0:26:17the bloke chased me down the road, with his mate, frogmarched me,
0:26:17 > 0:26:20virtually, back to the place and said, "You haven't paid our tip."
0:26:20 > 0:26:24Can I say I believe that, cos I've seen Phil play cricket,
0:26:24 > 0:26:27and a man who worked in a brasserie would catch him easily.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Do you tip when it's already on the bill, and...
0:26:32 > 0:26:33No.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37I don't think it should be shared out amongst all the waiters either.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39If I want to tip a good waiter, I want them to get...
0:26:39 > 0:26:43- Mm.- I don't want people who are perhaps rubbish getting the same tip as them.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46It's like when... You know at the end of a Take That gig
0:26:46 > 0:26:48and they come out and they all get the same applause.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49It seems wrong.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53Here's an example of a tip.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Damien Hirst, you know, the artist,
0:26:55 > 0:26:59he got out of a cab and he gave the man this as a tip.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Signed. It says, "A great drive".
0:27:02 > 0:27:05As well as the fare, he gave him that,
0:27:05 > 0:27:10and the bloke put it up for auction, and it went for 4,500 quid!
0:27:10 > 0:27:14- That's great.- What about that for a tip?- That's terrific.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18So what I've started doing now is I give them... I say, "That's £7.80.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20"A bloke went into a doctor's..."
0:27:22 > 0:27:26OK, we come to the end of the wildcard round.
0:27:26 > 0:27:31I think that we probably need windows to not open all the way,
0:27:31 > 0:27:34because not everyone is as smart as you are, Victoria,
0:27:34 > 0:27:36and we have to protect fools.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Those health fad things - they are annoying -
0:27:39 > 0:27:43but I suppose it's because people are, at long last,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45trying to get fitter and healthier
0:27:45 > 0:27:48and thinking about what they eat and stuff like that.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51So, although you were both excellent, I thought...
0:27:51 > 0:27:54I thought you made a very good point about tipping.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57It's a horrible story, Phil, about being chased,
0:27:57 > 0:27:59so I am going to put tipping into Room 101.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Well done, Phil, you were the most persuasive guest,
0:28:17 > 0:28:20- so you are this week's winner. - Thank you.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:22 > 0:28:25So, thanks very much, Victoria Coren, Phil Tufnell
0:28:25 > 0:28:28and Sir Terry Wogan, and thank you. Good night.