0:00:22 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING
0:00:27 > 0:00:28CHEERING
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:36 > 0:00:40the show where three guests explain what really winds them up
0:00:40 > 0:00:44in the hope that I'll condemn said things to the grim environs of Room 101.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Joining me tonight are Strictly's Craig Revel Horwood,
0:00:47 > 0:00:48actress Sheila Hancock
0:00:48 > 0:00:50and comedian Jon Richardson.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Right, then, let's have our first category.
0:01:05 > 0:01:10Special occasions. OK, let's see what Sheila doesn't like about special occasions.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16APPLAUSE
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Oh!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23BOOM!
0:01:24 > 0:01:27It's obvious - fireworks. Fireworks.
0:01:27 > 0:01:32But I have to say, if fireworks were still like that, I'd like them.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35I remember the days when it was just a few sparklers, you know,
0:01:35 > 0:01:37and a Catherine wheel against the shed
0:01:37 > 0:01:39and a rocket in a jam jar.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43But it's those endless ceremonies that go on
0:01:43 > 0:01:47and everybody goes, "Oooh! Aaaahhh!"
0:01:47 > 0:01:49- Do people actually go ooh and ah? - Yes!
0:01:49 > 0:01:53You're made to, aren't you? You're actually made to.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Do you go to firework displays in Bristol?
0:01:57 > 0:02:01- Maybe it has something to do with your age, darling.- Maybe it has. AUDIENCE OOHS
0:02:01 > 0:02:05- No...- The fact that you've seen it all before and you're tired of it.
0:02:05 > 0:02:10He's absolutely right. I was a child during the Blitz and I see no fun...
0:02:11 > 0:02:13APPLAUSE It's absolutely true.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20And this is the reason why I should win this round
0:02:20 > 0:02:25because I had this sad childhood with lots of banging going on...
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Well, no...
0:02:31 > 0:02:35I'll show you what I think is my favourite firework display ever.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37This is from Mexico.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38BANGING
0:02:55 > 0:03:00- Now, you'd pay to see that, wouldn't you?- You're going to love fireworks. You've got to love them.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04OK, what doesn't Craig like about special occasions?
0:03:11 > 0:03:15- Wedding speeches.- Mm! - I detest them, darling.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18I cannot sit through them.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19I think they should be outlawed.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23People get up, they think they're public speakers
0:03:23 > 0:03:26and, of course, they're clearly not.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Everyone wants to have a go at it
0:03:27 > 0:03:29and I think they're absolutely dreadful.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32I think if you're going to make a speech you should be an actor
0:03:32 > 0:03:36or at least have it rehearsed in some shape or form.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39I think it's absolutely heinous.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41I think you're missing the point.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44I like the fact the fact that they're so bad.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46I love to walk past the best man afterwards
0:03:46 > 0:03:48who's sitting like this, heartbroken,
0:03:48 > 0:03:51and just say very gently, "Not as easy as it looks, is it?"
0:03:53 > 0:03:56The other thing is they're almost always about the bride and groom.
0:03:58 > 0:04:04Let's have a bit of variety. Let's have a wedding speech about the Industrial Revolution or...
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- Well, it would be far more interesting, generally.- Yeah.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10But, Craig, I would have thought you'd do a brilliant best man's speech.
0:04:12 > 0:04:17Anyone who can say to Gavin Henson, "My floorboards at home have more movement than that."
0:04:19 > 0:04:22That's what you want in wedding speeches, those little...
0:04:22 > 0:04:27Robbie Savage - "Your hands were, on occasion, like soup ladles...
0:04:27 > 0:04:29"darling."
0:04:30 > 0:04:34You'd be perfect for it.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37OK, what doesn't Jon Richardson like about special occasions?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41DISCO MUSIC
0:04:46 > 0:04:48MUSIC STOPS
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- It's dancing. - You don't like dancing?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I'm sure this is one we'll all agree with.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58I hate it. I don't mind other people doing it, that's fine.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02If you say you don't drink, people say, "You don't have to drink."
0:05:02 > 0:05:05But if you say you don't like dancing, people pack around you
0:05:05 > 0:05:09and ply you with alcohol until you're so drunk
0:05:09 > 0:05:10that you do it against your will.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13It's assault, is what it is.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16But I hate it. I hate the movement of it.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18It's just arrogant walking.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24I don't mind if people... I like football.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28I don't have parties and make everyone play five-a-side.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Lob a ball. "Go on, Grandma, slide tackle. Do you want it or not?"
0:05:34 > 0:05:37You must like some dancing, don't you?
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- Macarena.- You could easily do the Macarena.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- All right. - That's for anybody, darling.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46You see, this already has become, "Let's start you off...
0:05:47 > 0:05:49- Let's starts you off gently, darling. - APPLAUSE
0:05:51 > 0:05:55I'm with Craig. I'm with Craig. I love the Macarena.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59I'll show you what the Macarena is, if you don't mind.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02MUSIC: "The Macarena"
0:06:02 > 0:06:05AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Shall I carry on? I won't carry on. That's it.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19- Brilliant. - CHEERING
0:06:20 > 0:06:23You must have enjoyed that. Listen to that - they love it.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Do you have to do like the Kenneth Williams mouth thing when you do it?
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Well, I do.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Ooh!
0:06:33 > 0:06:36What I love is that when you said, "I want to put dancing in,"
0:06:36 > 0:06:40Craig looked across at you exactly like Len Goodman looks at Craig
0:06:40 > 0:06:43when you give someone like three and he goes...
0:06:45 > 0:06:49I think you need to learn. Have you ever had any dance lessons?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- No!- See that... That helps, I think.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I had a Lambada lesson
0:06:54 > 0:06:57and the man said the way to remember to do the Lambada,
0:06:57 > 0:06:58with the hip thing,
0:06:58 > 0:07:02imagine you've got a pencil up your bottom pointing out
0:07:02 > 0:07:06and you're drawing a number eight on a wall.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Try it. I sign all my autographs like that now.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- No but that's...- I avoid any hobby
0:07:17 > 0:07:21that starts with lesson one being, "Imagine you've got a pencil..."
0:07:22 > 0:07:24I would sign up for all of that.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32- Craig, you've raised your legs for money...- I have, darling.
0:07:32 > 0:07:38- You must think that dancing is the centre of the universe, in many ways.- It's my life,
0:07:38 > 0:07:41so I can't imagine my life without it, to be honest.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45I think you're missing out on an enormous part of life, quite frankly,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47and I think you're one of the dullest people
0:07:47 > 0:07:50I've ever had the pleasure of sitting next to.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52- BOOING - Oh! Oh!
0:07:52 > 0:07:57There is something, I believe it's been scientifically proven,
0:07:57 > 0:08:00that there is an instinct to dance in the human being -
0:08:00 > 0:08:03right back to prehistoric times, they danced.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- So why haven't you? - It's called evolution.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10APPLAUSE
0:08:15 > 0:08:20OK, so we now come to our decision time for this round.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24Well, erm, Jon, I'm a terrible dancer
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- and I...- I know, I've seen it.- Yeah. And it is, it's very...
0:08:27 > 0:08:28Oh, my God!
0:08:34 > 0:08:36APPLAUSE
0:08:36 > 0:08:38That could've hit me.
0:08:42 > 0:08:47So I'm going to put fireworks into Room 101.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49APPLAUSE
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Anyway, let's have our next category.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Friends and family. Lovely.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11So what doesn't Sheila like about friends and family?
0:09:15 > 0:09:19That's people who give me scented candles.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22- APPLAUSE - Of course!
0:09:25 > 0:09:27I just wish they wouldn't.
0:09:27 > 0:09:32I have got cupboards full of scented...
0:09:32 > 0:09:37They smell of rosemary, spice, the most extraordinary mixtures.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39They cost a fortune.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43I actually saw a scented candle the other day that cost £300.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47- Blimey.- And I would rather have the money, in fact.
0:09:47 > 0:09:53I read a magazine article and it said, "If you have a bath in candlelight with scented candles,
0:09:53 > 0:09:55"it's very relaxing."
0:09:55 > 0:09:59So I thought, OK, I'll try and get some of these hundreds of candles I've got
0:09:59 > 0:10:02and I put them round the bath and I lit them and I had a glass of wine
0:10:02 > 0:10:04and I thought, "This is all right,"
0:10:04 > 0:10:07and I reached for the soap and I burnt myself.
0:10:07 > 0:10:12Look - there is a scar caused by a scented candle.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15- Oh!- So I hate them. - But I bet it smells lovely.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21What worries me is that if you get rid of scented candles,
0:10:21 > 0:10:26you're basically stopping the blind from enjoying candles.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Oh!
0:10:29 > 0:10:32- But the blind...- Is that the kind of person you want to be, Sheila?
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I am helping the blind because...
0:10:34 > 0:10:37I mean, let's put Labradors in Room 101.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40They'll set fire to their hair and things.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I know people who've gone up in flames
0:10:42 > 0:10:44because they've bent over a...
0:10:44 > 0:10:47So the blind will be injured by them.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52But they can smell them. That's the whole point.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Yes but you can't locate exactly where a smell's coming from, can you?
0:10:55 > 0:11:01- You feel the heat.- Listen, I can't worry about all the blind people.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04APPLAUSE
0:11:04 > 0:11:08- I'm sorry!- I tell you why men are running around on Christmas Eve buying scented candles.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11It's because I for one really like them
0:11:11 > 0:11:15and Christmas Eve is the only time you can buy them for yourself and pretend they're a gift.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18You have to stock up for the year because no-one buys you scented candles.
0:11:18 > 0:11:24You are weird! You don't dance and you buy scented candles.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27It's very odd. I must speak to you afterwards about your childhood.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Very worrying.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Well, look, I've got some scented candles.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37This one is bacon.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Oh, come on!
0:11:39 > 0:11:41I've think we've all wondered what it would smell like
0:11:41 > 0:11:44if Miss Piggy perished in a house fire.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Oh, don't!
0:11:46 > 0:11:49This one is a bit unusual.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- This is urinal cake candle. - Oh, come on!
0:11:52 > 0:11:55You know, urinal cake, it isn't a cake.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58It's not like another name for lemon drizzle.
0:11:58 > 0:12:03It's... It's those things that you get in the urinals that stop germs.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05- You those smelly...?- No. - It's that.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09I mean, it's perfect for a romantic evening at George Michael's house.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15I really don't know anything about George Michael,
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- so I don't understand that joke. - OK.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20- I'll explain it later.- Yeah?
0:12:20 > 0:12:23You should talk to him about his childhood.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27And then, of course, there's always this as a possibility.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- Look at that.- Is it hot?- Yeah.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40And it smells of apple.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45APPLAUSE
0:12:48 > 0:12:52OK, well, I... It's an interesting angle, I must say.
0:12:52 > 0:12:57So, friends and family - what winds up Jon Richardson about friends and family?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05It's all my friends who are settling down.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10AUDIENCE COOS
0:13:10 > 0:13:12You're right to feel sorry for me. I'm alone now.
0:13:12 > 0:13:18We made a bond when we were young based on what we enjoyed doing.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22There was no physicality to it. We just found people who we liked spending time with.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Now they're all having sex and getting married
0:13:24 > 0:13:26and I'm never going to see them again
0:13:26 > 0:13:28unless their marriage breaks up,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30in which case they'll come round in tears
0:13:30 > 0:13:32and I'll be expected to piece them together
0:13:32 > 0:13:35after years of holidays on my own. Er...
0:13:35 > 0:13:38And I hope they're all miserable.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42I hope they never share a moment's happiness with their partner
0:13:42 > 0:13:46and I hope they realise that I've still got computer games at home
0:13:46 > 0:13:48and lots of beer
0:13:48 > 0:13:52and it will still be as much fun as it was before they all got pubes.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Have you considered Rentafriend?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59There is actually an organisation called Rentafriend.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02And it's not a dating agency. It's...
0:14:02 > 0:14:07It's designed, if, say, I went to Chicago on my own on business,
0:14:07 > 0:14:11I could phone them up and rent a friend to hang out with in Chicago.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13That's how it works.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18And also, I like the idea of working for Rentafriend as a friend
0:14:18 > 0:14:21because I think I'd be quite a good friend to strangers for a night...
0:14:21 > 0:14:23You might be but I don't think he would be.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28"Where are we going? Disco?" "No."
0:14:30 > 0:14:33"Fireworks display?" "It's been banned."
0:14:33 > 0:14:35I'm here, darling, and I'm single.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37I'll help you out.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43- Ah!- I would be too worried that a house was going to fall on you if we went out in those shoes.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54I find that the periods when I've been single
0:14:54 > 0:14:56I'm amazed at how much time I have.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59You waste a lot of time in a relationship.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01You do, though.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05You spend, what, 25 minutes a week saying, "You all right?"
0:15:08 > 0:15:11APPLAUSE
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Have you heard of Idollators?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20It's men who go out with dolls.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23But not in a seedy way.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Dolls that are for proper platonic relationships.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29- You're nodding, Craig. - Yes, I've seen that.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34- You've seen it?- Yes, I have.- What do you mean?- Well, you can get...
0:15:34 > 0:15:37- They're very human-like. They're almost...- We have a picture.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- Yeah, they do. They absolutely love them.- Yeah.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Until they get bored or their skin starts peeling
0:15:44 > 0:15:47or their hair starts knotting and fading.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49No, that's real women you're thinking of.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53But people do it for companionship.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54And as I say, it's not a physical thing.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58It's just, you know, out for a drive and... Lovely. Jon?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Yeah, I'd give it a go.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04I don't think you're ready for a relationship yet.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Even with a doll.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- No.- I wasn't ready for this.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15I know what I'm putting in in the next round.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18APPLAUSE
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- Oh, dear.- So, friends and family -
0:16:25 > 0:16:29what does Craig Revel Horwood not like about friends and family?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- Ugh! Yuck!- House guests.
0:16:36 > 0:16:41And actually, this is a perfect example.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44They come round your house, you invite them into your home
0:16:44 > 0:16:48and unfortunately, they leave toothpaste tubes like that,
0:16:48 > 0:16:55they leave long hairs down the plughole, which I absolutely detest.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57They use your towels.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01They also do a vast array of things in the kitchen,
0:17:01 > 0:17:05like leaving the dishes in the sink
0:17:05 > 0:17:09when there's a perfectly good dishwasher right next door to it -
0:17:09 > 0:17:10those sort of things.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13They occupy too much of your space.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16They spread themselves out around the house
0:17:16 > 0:17:18like they own it.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22- It drives me nuts. - Who are these people?- Family.- Family.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26My mother's in the audience. Hello, Mum.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Actually, she does contain herself quite neatly.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33- You had to say that!- Yes, but she does require three towels in the bathroom
0:17:33 > 0:17:35and I only like seeing two there, you see.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- This is the thing. - LAUGHTER
0:17:38 > 0:17:41I never told you that, Mother, and they're not matching towels, either.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Do you normally live on your own?
0:17:44 > 0:17:46- Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:17:47 > 0:17:50So, erm, how often do you have people staying?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- Is that a normal thing for you? - Yes, I have them staying quite a lot, actually.- Really?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Well, I don't think you'll have any more coming now
0:17:56 > 0:17:58if they watch this programme.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03OK, so, Sheila, people who buy you scented candles,
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I know scented candles are a bit of a... They're not a nice thing
0:18:06 > 0:18:08but the fact that it's come from such a nice place
0:18:08 > 0:18:09and they're trying to be nice,
0:18:09 > 0:18:12I don't think I can put them in, to be honest.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14And it is just the way of things
0:18:14 > 0:18:20that people have to go off with people who are not their mates eventually, Jon.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23So I'm sorry about that but, Craig, I think you're right.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26House guests can be an utter and complete nightmare
0:18:26 > 0:18:31and I'd be very happy to put house guests into Room 101.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Yes!
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Bye.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46OK, next category, please.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Ah, now, this is the wildcard category
0:18:54 > 0:18:58because sometimes we feel we can constrain you in your hatred.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Now you can just choose anything you like -
0:19:00 > 0:19:02the thing that you hate most of all.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05So what really winds up Jon Richardson?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14It's my brain.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17I've just had enough of it. Just...
0:19:17 > 0:19:19It's there every day when I wake up.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23You talk about unwanted house guests - that's been in there 30 years
0:19:23 > 0:19:25- and it's like a house guest... - How old are you?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- 30.- OK.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31It's like a house guest who's arrived and made it clear,
0:19:31 > 0:19:33"I'm going to stay with you all the time, forever.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35"And even when you go out, I'm going to follow you."
0:19:35 > 0:19:40Because when I did this show I suddenly realised I hate everything.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42It wasn't a matter of narrowing it down
0:19:42 > 0:19:44or trying to find stuff I hate,
0:19:44 > 0:19:47I would literally put anything in, at any point, and everything.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51And there's nothing wrong with me. My body's fine, I've got nice friends and nice family.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54I've got a nice job. So it must be my brain.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I'd rather have a dog's brain.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00I'm sick of thinking about everything all the time.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Or Jedward. I'd rather have Jedward's brain.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05- APPLAUSE - Really.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09Bearing in mind, if it goes into Room 101, it's... it's gone.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Fine. It'll be happy in there, there'll be fireworks on.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19Is it true that you've got OCD or is that...? Or you've nearly got it?
0:20:19 > 0:20:23- No, I've got traits of it. - So how do they manifest themselves?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25I just stress a lot about everything.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Like that's not parallel, really.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29I'm sure it's good for the camera
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- but it's not in line with the front of that.- Yeah.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33And that's wrong.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36It's not a matter for debate. It's wrong.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39I'm having to tolerate it because we're having such a nice time.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43I get that toilet roll thing.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47My girlfriend hangs the toilet roll so that the end is facing the wall.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49- Leave her.- And I want it...
0:20:50 > 0:20:54I want the toilet paper to appear like it's being offered...
0:20:54 > 0:20:56not been forcibly taken.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02- You're definitely right because then you can just paw at it as well.- Yeah!
0:21:03 > 0:21:06The thing is, Jon, if I allow you to do this then, you know,
0:21:06 > 0:21:10then the nation will lose one of their favourites.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13The nation doesn't need me.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16And one day, I won't be a comic and I'll just be this person.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Now, people laugh and they pay to hear me,
0:21:18 > 0:21:21"Isn't it funny when you're walking and you can't stand on the thing?"
0:21:21 > 0:21:23One day, I won't be a comedian, I'll just be in a pub.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25"It took me hours to get here because they put a new grid in
0:21:25 > 0:21:29"and I couldn't step over it because it's about one and a half paces
0:21:29 > 0:21:32"and I've got an extra..." Ee-uh, ee-uh, ee-uh, ee-uh.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34You can save people from that now, Frank.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Yeah but if you put your brain in
0:21:36 > 0:21:38you could end up as a judge on a reality show.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44True.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47OK, now, let's see what is Sheila's wildcard.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Yes, it's ladies' toilets.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57What puzzles me - I'm sorry, my fellow women -
0:21:57 > 0:21:59but what do they do in the toilet?
0:21:59 > 0:22:04Because they take hours and you stand there and you think,
0:22:04 > 0:22:07"That woman is never going to come out. What are they doing?"
0:22:07 > 0:22:11And talking of toilet rolls, I wonder if it's something to do with...
0:22:11 > 0:22:13You know those big machines with toilet rolls?
0:22:13 > 0:22:16And you can never get the bit of paper out...
0:22:16 > 0:22:20- There are sort of teeth, sharp teeth.- You just absolutely...
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Maybe they're to get the paper out or whatever.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25It's like, you know when you try to grab a dog's tongue to pull it out?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- I always imagine that they're beautiful places.- No, they're not.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32They're usually not at all.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35I remember when I first went to France as a young girl,
0:22:35 > 0:22:40I was an au pair and it was all those holes, remember?
0:22:40 > 0:22:42You had to squat down over a terrible hole.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45And the only place where there was a proper toilet
0:22:45 > 0:22:47was the Mona Lisa gallery in the Louvre.
0:22:47 > 0:22:52I know the Mona Lisa, every brushstroke -
0:22:52 > 0:22:54I used to go every day.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- You can actually see it from the toilet?- No, no!
0:22:57 > 0:23:00It must be why she's pulling that face.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Also with the ladies, I don't know, I'd miss the urinal.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Well, I usually do. But I'd miss the...
0:23:07 > 0:23:11This idea about having to go into an individual cubicle to go to the toilet -
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- that's why it takes so long, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16They have to sit down, don't they, as well.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18I have no idea.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Are you aware of the Shewee, Sheila?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- The what?- The Shewee.- No.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26I believe it was named after you.
0:23:28 > 0:23:33This is a Shewee and it means that a lady can...
0:23:33 > 0:23:36can go to the toilet very secretly,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39so if you can't get into a toilet or you're on a long car journey,
0:23:39 > 0:23:42you can put this into a bottle and...
0:23:42 > 0:23:44You can use it for pick and mix, as well.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49So erm... We come to Craig's wildcard.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58- What's that?- I'm a bit bemused by that one.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- I believe it's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman.- Yeah.
0:24:01 > 0:24:07People who tell jokes all the time is my pet hate.
0:24:10 > 0:24:15I can't stand it. At dinner parties, people that tell hideous jokes.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18"Have you heard the one about...?" It's just boring.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21I just have an out-of-body experience every time they do it.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Why don't you just say Bruce Forsyth and get it over with?
0:24:26 > 0:24:31My problem is someone that consistently spouts off
0:24:31 > 0:24:33heinously.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Are you thinking of any particular person?
0:24:39 > 0:24:42No, he doesn't tell jokes.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45- He's proved that tonight, darling. - Ah, Craig!
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- Take off your critic's boots! - He's just funny.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- Are they critic boots? - They are, yeah.
0:24:50 > 0:24:56Do you know that you are actually...? That there is a joke about you?
0:24:58 > 0:24:59I'm sure there's several.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02It's not... I don't think it's unkind.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05It's quite sweet. I think you'll like it.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09I do a radio show and someone texted in,
0:25:09 > 0:25:14"Why doesn't Craig Revel Horwood use as much spray tan as he used to?"
0:25:14 > 0:25:17And they said, "It's cos no-one likes orange Revels."
0:25:17 > 0:25:20LAUGHTER
0:25:21 > 0:25:23- No, because it didn't... - APPLAUSE
0:25:25 > 0:25:27CHEERING
0:25:29 > 0:25:30It's a cute, sweet joke
0:25:30 > 0:25:34and, you know, it's affectionate towards you, don't you think?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36It's offensive.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Have you ever laughed?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Not when you've been talking.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45- AUDIENCE OOHING - Ooh! Oh, my God, it's gone so wrong.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49You must tell jokes, Craig, do you?
0:25:49 > 0:25:50No.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- I'm not funny, that's why. - Oh, come on.- No, I'm not.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59- You've got lots of laughs tonight. - I don't remember one, darling.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Well, I don't remember one but I'm sure...
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- Go on, tell us a gag. - I don't know any.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09And I'm seriously unfunny, I promise you.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12If I tell you a gag now, will you tell it?
0:26:12 > 0:26:14If I whisper a gag in your ear?
0:26:14 > 0:26:17I'll give you a really short one, right?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19This is...
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- I've heard that before. - I know you have.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Not at 8:30 on BBC1, you haven't.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35LAUGHTER
0:26:38 > 0:26:40So, Craig, have you got any gags for us?
0:26:40 > 0:26:44What did zero say to the eight?
0:26:44 > 0:26:45No idea.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Nice belt.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:26:57 > 0:27:00- I don't understand it.- Oh...
0:27:00 > 0:27:04- I don't get it either.- I'm trying to build his confidence here, Sheila.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08- He doesn't understand it either. - I was so busy trying to think of the words...
0:27:08 > 0:27:11What does the zero say to the eight?
0:27:11 > 0:27:12Nice belt.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15It's funny because numbers can't talk.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Yeah?
0:27:19 > 0:27:21- Is that right? - Because a zero is like that
0:27:21 > 0:27:25- and an eight is pulled... - Oh, I see it's a visual...
0:27:26 > 0:27:28It's a visual joke.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30- Yes!- That's a zero and that's an eight.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33I'm so glad I was here the night comedy died.
0:27:37 > 0:27:42Anyway, I can't possibly put people who tell jokes all the time into Room 101
0:27:42 > 0:27:46because otherwise I'll have to go in and that's impossible.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49And I don't want to put Jon Richardson's brain in
0:27:49 > 0:27:51because I quite like it.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Ladies' toilets I'd love to put in
0:27:54 > 0:27:58because it's going to make just being out at night much more exciting.
0:27:58 > 0:28:03So I am going to put ladies' toilets into Room 101.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:16 > 0:28:17And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Well done, Sheila. You're the most persuasive guest tonight,
0:28:20 > 0:28:22so you are this week's winner.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:28 > 0:28:31So thank you very much, Jon Richardson, Craig Revel Horwood
0:28:31 > 0:28:32and Sheila Hancock
0:28:32 > 0:28:34and thank you - goodnight!
0:28:34 > 0:28:36CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd