0:00:33 > 0:00:36Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101, the show where
0:00:36 > 0:00:40three guests battle to banish their betes noires to the notorious vault.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Joining me tonight are Pointless know-it-all Richard Osman,
0:00:45 > 0:00:48broadcaster Joan Bakewell, and comedian Roisin Conaty.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Right, then, let's have our first category.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03Nature.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07So I'd like to see what Joan Bakewell doesn't like about nature.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Gardening.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15Oh.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Gardening. This represents my feelings about gardening.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23LAUGHTER
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Brilliant. Who could like it after that?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28That cost four grand!
0:01:28 > 0:01:31I think it was worth it. So, what is it, Joan?
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Well, gardening is housework out of doors. There's no difference.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Now, housework indoors has been streamlined, so it doesn't require
0:01:41 > 0:01:45as much effort as it once did, but gardening, you've got to get down
0:01:45 > 0:01:48on your knees on rubber mats that don't protect your knees,
0:01:48 > 0:01:50you've got to wear clumsy gloves,
0:01:50 > 0:01:52you've got hedge trimmers and wheelbarrows.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54It's hard work. It's too hard work.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58They don't reward the effort you put into it.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00What about if you grow vegetables?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Then they... That's the gift that keeps on giving.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04It's still hard work.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07It's just easier to buy them at the shop, you know.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Some people love it, though, don't they?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Well, yes, but they love all sorts of strange things.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16That is true. That's a whole other show, though, Joan.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Yeah, and it's probably on a bit later at night.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23I just quite like that gardening is one of those things that we
0:02:23 > 0:02:25haven't managed to make faster.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28You buy something and say, "That is going to look lovely in May.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29"That's going to look amazing."
0:02:29 > 0:02:33You're going, "The rest of the year, "it's just going to look like just some shrub."
0:02:33 > 0:02:37It'll look lovely for a month. You think, "I'm going to put all that effort in, just for a month?"
0:02:37 > 0:02:39A load of twigs, standing there, doing nothing.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43That's everything in life. That's like, "Oh, I'm just going to
0:02:43 > 0:02:46"cook this dinner and then eat it. Huh, what a waste of time."
0:02:46 > 0:02:49"Shouldn't fall in love with this person. I won't be in love in ten years."
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Everything's only for a month.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Well, that's my second and third choice gone now.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Anyway, let's see what Richard Osman doesn't like about nature.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06This is zoo filler.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Now, what is zoo filler?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Zoo filler is all the rubbish animals in the zoo.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14LAUGHTER
0:03:14 > 0:03:17APPLAUSE
0:03:19 > 0:03:22When you go to a zoo, historically,
0:03:22 > 0:03:24there's only five animals you go to the zoo to see.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26There used to be four, there's now five.
0:03:26 > 0:03:31You go to a zoo to see the lions, to see the tigers,
0:03:31 > 0:03:35to see the monkeys, to see the penguins, and now,
0:03:35 > 0:03:38in the last five or six years, to see the meerkats.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40And that's it.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43And everywhere around those five animals
0:03:43 > 0:03:44they've got all sorts of things.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48They've got fish. You want to see a pike?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51So, hold on, I've got a lion over here, and a tiger over here.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55I tell you what, why don't I spend ten minutes looking at a pike?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58You didn't mention giraffes. They're essential.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Do you think? Oh, yeah.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Oh, what's the point?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04They're very tall, that's the point. Yeah, but you know what?
0:04:04 > 0:04:05Who isn't these days?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07LAUGHTER
0:04:07 > 0:04:10I think I've gone into the zoo in the past thinking,
0:04:10 > 0:04:11"I want to see the monkeys".
0:04:11 > 0:04:15I went to Cotswold Wildlife Park, and I went specifically to see
0:04:15 > 0:04:18the monkeys, and then I saw a giant tortoise,
0:04:18 > 0:04:21which I wouldn't normally expect to see,
0:04:21 > 0:04:24and I was really excited about it. It was really massive.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27It's kind of like when you watch... When I first started watching
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Pointless, I watched it for Alexander Armstrong,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33and then it turned out there was another creature on it.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39I like some of the signs that you get in zoos.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42What about this? My favourite ever "danger" sign.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46LAUGHTER
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Oh, how wonderful.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55I like to think the crocodile has burped and she's going uphill.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57LAUGHTER
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Here's a thing, now, how are you with snakes?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Do you find those exciting? God, no. Snakes, you stand for ten minutes, going,
0:05:05 > 0:05:07"Where is it? Is that it in the back?"
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Cos they're so well camouflaged, and then you see it and think, "Oh, there it is."
0:05:11 > 0:05:14They don't move. They are asleep for 22 hours a day, snakes.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Yeah. Here's a long...a long snake.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37AUDIENCE GASPS
0:05:49 > 0:05:52That was great from the crowd.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Some proper physical jumping in their seats.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Oh, my God.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Do you like the shop at the zoo? That's always a good bit.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02I do like the shop. It's interesting, you know, the cuddly toys they get,
0:06:02 > 0:06:05they are lions, tigers, penguins, monkeys and meerkats.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07They're not doing cuddly toys of the moths.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11This is my own personal favourite at London Zoo.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14LAUGHTER
0:06:18 > 0:06:20If you saw me coming from behind a hedgerow,
0:06:20 > 0:06:22could you possibly think I was a lion?
0:06:24 > 0:06:27That would certainly scare the foxes.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31OK, then. So what doesn't Roisin like about nature?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37AUDIENCE COOS
0:06:37 > 0:06:40The most predictable reaction of the evening.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Bambi. OK.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44I think Bambi should go in Room 101,
0:06:44 > 0:06:48because Bambi was the first cartoon that started off a whole
0:06:48 > 0:06:52generation of sad cartoons, and I hate sad cartoons.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Life's hard enough for kids, as you get older,
0:06:54 > 0:06:58and I think children don't need to see animals dying on-screen.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02People say it's good for them, it teaches them about the horrors of the world. It doesn't.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04As you get older, if you lose a parent, you don't go,
0:07:04 > 0:07:06"Oh, I'm glad I watched Bambi.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08"Really, I knew what was going to happen".
0:07:08 > 0:07:10It just gives you a really horrible
0:07:10 > 0:07:13afternoon with children who have no sort of coping skills.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16I was looking after some of my friends' children,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19and I thought we'd watch The Lion King, and I fell asleep and woke
0:07:19 > 0:07:22up to four six-year-olds screaming, "Mufasa's dead, Mufasa's dead!"
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Spoiler alert!
0:07:27 > 0:07:29So, yeah, I think Bambi should go in Room 101.
0:07:29 > 0:07:34Well, in case... Has anyone here...not seen Bambi?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Oh, you've never seen Bambi.
0:07:37 > 0:07:42The bit that everyone talks about is when Bambi's mum gets it early on.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45What's happened is, they're out and they're in the forest
0:07:45 > 0:07:49and then we hear the sound of the hunter and the gun goes,
0:07:49 > 0:07:52and they both run away and then Bambi stops,
0:07:52 > 0:07:54looks over his shoulder
0:07:54 > 0:07:57and realises that Mummy isn't with him any more.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02BAMBI: Mother?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Mother!
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Your mother can't be with you any more.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25I mean, it's desperately sad.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27And the music isn't helping, is it?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Disney usually do Heigh-Ho or something.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Even if you had your eyes shut you'd be crying. Yeah.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36I think it's fair to say Heigh-Ho would've been inappropriate.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40The dwarfs dragging the carcass...
0:08:40 > 0:08:42LAUGHTER
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Anyway, look, I think you've all argued your cases very well.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52I think gardening now is something that I'm thinking I'm going
0:08:52 > 0:08:54to move towards, as I reach a certain age where gardening
0:08:54 > 0:08:58seems apt, so I'm not going to put gardening in, Joan. Right.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01And I feel sorry for those animals.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Just because they're not in the headlines.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08But I agree, I think so much can happen in a cartoon film.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11You can make animals talk and all wondrous things.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Why not just give them one little place in their lives
0:09:13 > 0:09:15where bad stuff doesn't happen?
0:09:15 > 0:09:19So, I am going to put Bambi into Room 101.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23APPLAUSE
0:09:31 > 0:09:34OK, let's have our next category, please.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40It is modern life.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43What doesn't Richard Osman like about modern life?
0:09:48 > 0:09:49It's cobblers, Frank.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54It's cobblers, because they shouldn't exist in modern life.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56You know, by and large, the high street,
0:09:56 > 0:09:58you sort of know what shops are for.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00What on earth is the cobbler doing there?
0:10:00 > 0:10:01What are they up to?
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Given nobody has had a pair of shoes fixed since about 1967...
0:10:07 > 0:10:09what's going on in that shop?
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Well, let's... How many people here would go
0:10:13 > 0:10:15and have their shoes fixed at the cobblers?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18We'll have a show of... Show of feet. Show of feet. That's loads.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Richard, you've got it all wrong, loads of people go to the cobblers.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Do you know what? I'm choosing not to look.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25LAUGHTER
0:10:25 > 0:10:28OK, then. Why are people having their shoes fixed?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31What's going on in the world? No-one is wearing expensive enough shoes...
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Expensive shoes last for ever. You don't wear high-heels...do you?
0:10:38 > 0:10:41To be fair, they haven't invented the ceiling yet that would
0:10:41 > 0:10:43allow me to wear high-heels.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46You need to have heels renewed quite often.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Anyway, I don't think enough people are getting their shoes fixed
0:10:49 > 0:10:51that these people are funding their shops,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54so I'm deeply suspicious, is all I'm saying.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Oh, they could be a front. Well, of course they're a front.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01I think it's a given they're a front,
0:11:01 > 0:11:02but what are they a front for?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05What are the two things that cobblers' shops actually do? What do they actually do?
0:11:05 > 0:11:09They cut your keys and they make house signs for you.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11OK? So you're spending hundreds of pounds
0:11:11 > 0:11:14making your house as secure as you possibly want, burglar alarms,
0:11:14 > 0:11:15fitting all sorts of lock.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18You're then going along to a man who pretends to fix shoes,
0:11:18 > 0:11:21who you don't know, you're saying, "Here are my keys.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23"I'll be back in an hour.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25"And while I'm here, could you make a big,
0:11:25 > 0:11:29"idiosyncratic sign to show you exactly where I live?"
0:11:29 > 0:11:31And we wonder how they're funding themselves.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34And then they wear your own shoes to burgle your house,
0:11:34 > 0:11:36so they can't trace the footprints.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Exactly. It's like the best episode of The Wire EVER.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Can I ask a personal question? Of course you can.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46What size shoe do you take? I take a 14.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48AUDIENCE GASPS
0:11:48 > 0:11:51How lovely to get a gasp for your shoe size.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53So I'd have thought...
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Are they quite hard to find, size 14s?
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Well, I tend to sort of leave them by the door, so it's...
0:12:01 > 0:12:03LAUGHTER
0:12:08 > 0:12:13OK. Well, I'm worried about cobblers, but you argue it well.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16So, what doesn't Roisin like about modern life?
0:12:23 > 0:12:24Me.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Selfies.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Yes.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Er, "selfie" is a word used for people who take
0:12:32 > 0:12:35photos of themself relentlessly and put them online.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39I don't mind a selfie where people sort of look ridiculous,
0:12:39 > 0:12:43but the sort of vain... Like that... Yeah, thanks.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45But the sort of need people have to sort of document their own
0:12:45 > 0:12:48existence to the point now they just take photos of themselves
0:12:48 > 0:12:51looking nice, and, sort of, you have lots of young teenage girls
0:12:51 > 0:12:54sort of pulling that face, doing that.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56And you know what's really upsetting,
0:12:56 > 0:12:58is these people have got, like, 5,000 followers on Twitter,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01and yet no-one to take a photo of them.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04It's like at least have the decency to hide your own arm
0:13:04 > 0:13:06so it looks like you were with someone
0:13:06 > 0:13:10and someone else thought your dress was nice enough to photo.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12You can actually crop the pictures... Totally.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16..and get your arm off. It's the lack of intelligence that upsets me the most about selfies.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20You know that famous Van Gogh self-portrait?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23If you actually looked at the original version of that...
0:13:23 > 0:13:26LAUGHTER
0:13:28 > 0:13:30..that was actually a selfie.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Are you familiar with "hot dogs or legs"?
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Sorry?
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Hot dogs or legs. It's a selfie-based phenomenon.
0:13:37 > 0:13:42So, what you have to do, people take a photo of themselves, maybe,
0:13:42 > 0:13:46and you have to guess whether it is their legs or whether it's hot dogs.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Let me show you an example.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53LAUGHTER
0:13:53 > 0:13:57It's tricky, isn't it? I'll show you another one.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59You'll get this one.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04What do you think? Hot dogs. Yes.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08I think they've used the napkin to try and create a skirt...
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Yeah. Went too far.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10..to fool us.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13This last one really... This confuses me.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17I think that that's a leg and a hot dog.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18LAUGHTER
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Because... Yeah, it's a leg on the left, isn't it?
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Yeah, that one on the right, you don't get a thighbone that
0:14:24 > 0:14:26bends in like that normally.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29I think that's legs. I think that's legs. Yeah? Yeah.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Can I just say - why are we doing the rest of the show?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Can we not just do this for half an hour?
0:14:34 > 0:14:37I sort of use selfies in order to send messages.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40So I've got a few examples that I use.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41"I'm sorry I'm running late."
0:14:44 > 0:14:46"Thanks for dinner."
0:14:49 > 0:14:52And I haven't actually used this one yet, but I've got it in waiting.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Here it is. This is, "I'm having a heart attack".
0:15:01 > 0:15:03They've saved me a hell of a lot of time, I must say.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Anyway, what doesn't Joan like about modern life?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Customer service surveys.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Hmm. No options. None of the options that we want.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24You're given options from - disappointing, good,
0:15:24 > 0:15:26very good, brilliant.
0:15:26 > 0:15:31What you want to tell them is fired up with real hatred
0:15:31 > 0:15:34of what the experience has been like, and there's no scope for that.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Most people don't do these surveys at all,
0:15:37 > 0:15:41so the people who have sent this round get a distorted view
0:15:41 > 0:15:44that everybody has to tick something, so they tick "good",
0:15:44 > 0:15:48and they say, "This product is an absolute hit with the public."
0:15:48 > 0:15:51It's completely deluded.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Isn't it nice that they care about our opinion?
0:15:53 > 0:15:56No, they don't care. It's a marketing ploy.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00If they cared they wouldn't... This is advertising speak.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03This is to placate the managing director.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05This is to please the shareholders.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07This is nothing to do with the service they give you.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09They want praise.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Everybody wants praise, but this is a deluded way of going about it,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15because you convince people you're running a successful business
0:16:15 > 0:16:20when all your customers are furious with the lack of standards.
0:16:20 > 0:16:25So, in the interests of consumers I think these should go in Room 101.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28APPLAUSE
0:16:28 > 0:16:33This is my favourite ever complaint in a cafe or restaurant.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36That's written in ketchup and mustard.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Wow.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41That's what they call complaining with relish.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Can I end this on a happy note?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49On the subject of customer service, I love this.
0:16:49 > 0:16:54A man took his eight-year-old son on holiday to the Ritz Carlton Hotel
0:16:54 > 0:17:00in Florida, and when he left they forgot his cuddly toy, Joshy.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04The child was in bits, and the dad said,
0:17:04 > 0:17:08"Well, the thing is, Joshy, you know, he's getting on now.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10"He's having a vacation on his own."
0:17:10 > 0:17:14So then he desperately phoned the hotel and said, "Is Joshy there?"
0:17:14 > 0:17:15They said, "Yeah, we've got it."
0:17:15 > 0:17:18And he said, "OK, well, can you hold on to it for a few days,
0:17:18 > 0:17:22"cos I've told him that Joshy's on vacation?"
0:17:22 > 0:17:27And they sent back a series of pictures of Joshy enjoying
0:17:27 > 0:17:28the hotel facilities.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:38 > 0:17:41LAUGHTER
0:17:42 > 0:17:46So, you know what? I love that story.
0:17:46 > 0:17:52OK. So, I don't feel I can put cobblers in, Richard.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54I just think we'll miss them.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56And selfies, as I think I've proved,
0:17:56 > 0:17:59can be a great practical boon in life.
0:17:59 > 0:18:04But I can see little or no good, you've argued it so well, Joan,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07I am going to put customer service surveys into Room 101.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Next category, please.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30It's the wildcard category, which means no restraints,
0:18:30 > 0:18:32you can pick anything at all you don't like.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34So what is Roisin's wildcard?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Greeting cards with writing already in it.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Right. I can't bear them.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46If you're going to bother buying and sending someone a card,
0:18:46 > 0:18:50at least have the decency to write your own message.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Erm, and it's become, like, now they're like books.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55You know those cards that have got pages of, like,
0:18:55 > 0:18:59synthetic emotion that I can't compete with, so you're just like,
0:18:59 > 0:19:03"To Mum, love, Roisin," like loads of stuff that's quite dramatic.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Yes. I don't buy them, and my sister does,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08and then my mum reads that out as if it's from my sister,
0:19:08 > 0:19:11and then reads mine out, like, "To Mum, love you".
0:19:11 > 0:19:13She's like, "Oh, you could've made an effort".
0:19:13 > 0:19:16I'm like, "She bought it... Clintons wrote that, not her."
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I like to write under the verse,
0:19:18 > 0:19:21"This is a fair approximation of what I feel."
0:19:24 > 0:19:28I'm always at a loss on what to write on cards,
0:19:28 > 0:19:31so I'm kind of glad for a bit of help.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32This is a card,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35this is for people who've recently split up in a relationship,
0:19:35 > 0:19:40and it says, "You're the strongest person I know."
0:19:40 > 0:19:42I sent one of those to Geoff Capes.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Look, "And I totally believe in you."
0:19:47 > 0:19:48How lovely.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51It didn't really apply to anyone that I knew,
0:19:51 > 0:19:54so I got a bit of Tipp-Ex...
0:19:54 > 0:19:56and I just gave it a bit of a...
0:19:57 > 0:20:01And now I can send them to loads of my friends.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04LAUGHTER
0:20:06 > 0:20:10See, you've just got to give it a bit of thought.
0:20:10 > 0:20:15This is slightly sad, but a friend of mine was bereaved recently,
0:20:15 > 0:20:19and I sent them this, "With deepest sympathy card",
0:20:19 > 0:20:21and, er, I went for the...
0:20:24 > 0:20:27You see, you condemn the selfie, they're so versatile.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32OK, well, let's see what Joan's wildcard is.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Chewing gum.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40AUDIENCE GROANS
0:20:40 > 0:20:43How vile is it?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45You mean generally or on pavements?
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Altogether, because it loses its flavour after ten seconds,
0:20:49 > 0:20:50then you've got a mouthful of rubber.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52It doesn't do anything.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56It just sticks there, and your jaw chews around at it, makes lots
0:20:56 > 0:21:01of saliva, horrible, and you look ridiculous, so you spit it out.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Then it disfigures the environment.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06It spoils the pavements, it sticks to people's shoes,
0:21:06 > 0:21:09and it sets up these spots everywhere,
0:21:09 > 0:21:13which are very expensive to remove, and are just a disgrace to the
0:21:13 > 0:21:15environment, which we want to be beautiful.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18The trouble is, as my mother told me,
0:21:18 > 0:21:21if you swallow it, it sticks your insides up.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25Did you used to pull it out, and do that with it?
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Yes, I used to do that.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I've done that with catarrh.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Oh, my God.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Well, I have one thing that might win you over, Joan,
0:21:39 > 0:21:43and this is something which I think is pretty impressive.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46There is a man, and he's called Ben Wilson,
0:21:46 > 0:21:48and Ben Wilson is known as the chewing gum man.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Now, we have a photograph of Ben, doing what he does.
0:21:52 > 0:21:59Ben actually paints those chewing gum splodges on the pavement
0:21:59 > 0:22:03which annoy you so much. Now, Ben is here tonight. Where is Ben?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Hello, Ben, how are you? Well done.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15We have a couple of examples of your work, Ben,
0:22:15 > 0:22:17just to give people an idea.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21This is a scene from Archway in North London.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Wow.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27And this is a full English breakfast.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31And can I say, they're definitely sausages.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35So, how did it all start, Ben?
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Well, advertisers have a monopoly over public space,
0:22:38 > 0:22:43and it was a way to make creativity happen in a more spontaneous way.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46And technically, if you paint on the chewing gum,
0:22:46 > 0:22:48it's not criminal damage.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Oh, cos you're not painting on the pavement.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52You're not painting on the pavement.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56The City of London Police tried to get me on a criminal damage charge.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58They did arrest me. But I won my case.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01They couldn't make the charges stick.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Well, look, Ben has done something very wonderful,
0:23:10 > 0:23:13because he has mounted some chewing gum on a brick,
0:23:13 > 0:23:18and this shows us the life, basically, of Joan Bakewell.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21If you can see that,
0:23:21 > 0:23:24down there you've got Joan as a child with her family.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Good heavens! Then Joan in the '60s.
0:23:28 > 0:23:33Then Joan as a '70s TV presenter, and then Joan, there she is,
0:23:33 > 0:23:35as she is now. Wow.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37And they're really good likenesses. That's fabulous.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45What can I say? I can't retrieve my hatred of this kind of gum,
0:23:45 > 0:23:48but can you get round faster?
0:23:50 > 0:23:53It's beautiful. What about a big hand for Ben? Fabulous art.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59OK. So what is Richard's wildcard?
0:24:04 > 0:24:07It is people telling me I'm tall.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Because, believe me, I know. I already know.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18I'm reminded in my daily life - I bump my head on things,
0:24:18 > 0:24:20I get tutted at in cinemas and what have you.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23I don't need people endlessly coming up in the streets
0:24:23 > 0:24:25and informing me of the fact.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29I'm 6'7", or I'm 6'8" if I'm trying to get an upgrade on a plane,
0:24:29 > 0:24:31but, lots of people come up to you in the street,
0:24:31 > 0:24:33and people are interested if you're tall,
0:24:33 > 0:24:35and it's exciting and people are lovely.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37So, by and large, it's fine.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39But it's the people who shout out of car windows,
0:24:39 > 0:24:41"Hey, you're tall, mate!"
0:24:43 > 0:24:45So, people actually tell you that you're tall?
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Oh, endlessly.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51There's a class of people who delight in telling anyone they're different.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52For most people,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55differences are wonderful things and we celebrate them.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Most people are like that, but there are a group of people as well,
0:24:58 > 0:25:00who, whatever it is in their brains,
0:25:00 > 0:25:03will delight in letting you know that something about you is unusual.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06I mean if your shoelace is undone, that's good. That's helpful.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10If you're telling me I'm tall, I promise you, it's covered.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I was in a shop the other day, and people quite often ask me
0:25:12 > 0:25:14to get things off high shelves...
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Do they really? As I say, most people are lovely.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21So I'm in a shop and there's a lady, must have been 70-odd, very, very short, and she said,
0:25:21 > 0:25:25"You couldn't get me some eggs from up there, could you?" I said, "Oh, absolutely".
0:25:25 > 0:25:27So I got them and gave them to her, and she just went,
0:25:27 > 0:25:30"Is there anything I can get you from down here?"
0:25:30 > 0:25:33LAUGHTER
0:25:36 > 0:25:42I've invented something. It's called the height reversal platform.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46OK. You're nine inches taller than me. Uh-huh.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50And it must be, for you, thinking, "God, what's it like for Frank
0:25:50 > 0:25:53"being next to a man who's nine inches..?"
0:25:53 > 0:25:58So the height reversal platform, if you'll come and join me, Richard,
0:25:58 > 0:26:03means that we can show you what it would be like if you were me...
0:26:03 > 0:26:05OK. ..as it were.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08So can you bring on the height reversal platform, please?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18OK. I've got you.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Yeah? Yeah.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23So I stand on here, you step into those... Ah.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33This is what you're like to me.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37God, you're tall, aren't you? Yeah. Can I try these?
0:26:37 > 0:26:38There we go.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41There you go.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43People watching this will think,
0:26:43 > 0:26:46"Yeah, God, that Richard Osman's dressed smart."
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Or they might think, "Blimey, Michael Gove's tall."
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Actually, it'd be interesting to see what would happen if we, er...
0:27:00 > 0:27:03If instead of balancing, it made things... Reverse around.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Yeah. Let's blow people's minds, Frank.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12LAUGHTER
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Thank you, Richard.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27The height reversal platform, ladies and gentlemen.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30CHEERING
0:27:32 > 0:27:33I love the removal men.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36They're like something from Laurel and Hardy, aren't they?
0:27:36 > 0:27:41So, Roisin, I've often been very glad of a bit of help with
0:27:41 > 0:27:45a greetings card, I must admit, so I just can't put that into Room 101.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49Joan, you argued so well, and I am anti-litter, very, very much so,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52but I just thought Ben's art was so good,
0:27:52 > 0:27:54I just don't feel I can put it in.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56But, Richard, I do feel for you.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Can anyone watching just... He knows. He knows.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01And consequently, I'm going to put
0:28:01 > 0:28:03people telling Richard he's tall into Room 101.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18And that brings us to the end of the show,
0:28:18 > 0:28:22and well done, Richard, you were the most persuasive guest tonight,
0:28:22 > 0:28:24so you are tonight's winner.
0:28:26 > 0:28:30So, thank you very much to Richard Osman, to Joan Bakewell
0:28:30 > 0:28:32and Roisin Conaty, and thank you, good night.