0:00:31 > 0:00:34Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:34 > 0:00:38the show where three guests compete to cast their greatest gripes
0:00:38 > 0:00:41into the notorious vault that is Room 101.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Joining me tonight are comedian Henning Wehn,
0:00:45 > 0:00:49musical star Michael Ball, and actress Caroline Quentin.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:58OK. Let's have our first category.
0:01:03 > 0:01:09Modern life. So, what winds up Michael about modern life?
0:01:14 > 0:01:16There isn't a person who won't agree with this.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18It's the junk mail that we get.
0:01:18 > 0:01:23That dread. You go away on holiday, and it's bad enough travelling,
0:01:23 > 0:01:25but, you know, you come, you put the key in the door,
0:01:25 > 0:01:30you can't open the door because it's mounded up, piles and piles.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31You get the same...
0:01:31 > 0:01:33How long do you go on holiday for?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36I don't know if it's just me they pick on,
0:01:36 > 0:01:40but you get the same thing, the same bloody pizza delivery thing.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Don't bother. I don't want it.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45I don't know anybody who ever responds to this stuff.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48No. I don't think anybody actually picks it up and goes,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51"Ooh, that looks yum, I must go and get some of that".
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Younger people do.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55I mean, it's just...
0:01:59 > 0:02:01No, it is. I mean, that's something...
0:02:01 > 0:02:05I mean, if people have reached a certain maturity,
0:02:05 > 0:02:07so then, they'll just say, "Oh, I'm set in my ways.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10"I don't need to find out".
0:02:10 > 0:02:14More dynamic people might go, "Ooh, there is a new pizza place.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17"I must try that out".
0:02:17 > 0:02:22One thing that puts me off a bit is the pizza, I have discovered,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25is not pizza that's photographed at the shop.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- It's Google Image pizza.- Really?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31I have this same problem with those postcards you get in phone boxes.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38It's not them. Have you considered recycling?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40No. In what way?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- Well, I had this idea. Do you own a dog?- Yeah, two.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46You know when they get an operation and they have stitches
0:02:46 > 0:02:49and you have to put those funnels on?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Look at this.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53LAUGHTER
0:02:53 > 0:02:57This is classic recycling. I'm thinking I could market this.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59It would suffocate him over time.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02There's only so many leaflets you can stick in there.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Yeah. I'm not going to keep adding leaflets to it.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Yeah, but what are you going to do with the rest of the leaflets?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10We're going to make more. I'm not working on one dog.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12What kind of a market is that?
0:03:12 > 0:03:17We have a clip of someone who seems to hate junk mail as much as you do.
0:03:17 > 0:03:22DOG BARKS MANIACALLY
0:03:33 > 0:03:37I want to manage what comes in and out of my house.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38It's like vampires.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40They'll only come in...
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Work with me.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Vampires can only come into the house if you invite them.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- Really?- Absolutely.- Is that right? - What? I didn't know that.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Do you watch no television?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56If you say to a vampire, "You can't come in my house."
0:03:56 > 0:03:58They can't come in.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00They have to be invited into your house, in order
0:04:00 > 0:04:01to then suck your blood.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Are you sure you're not thinking of the Jehovah's Witnesses?
0:04:11 > 0:04:14What winds up Caroline about modern life?
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Control pants.
0:04:25 > 0:04:30Undergarments designed for women, primarily,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33I think almost exclusively,
0:04:33 > 0:04:37that are meant to hold in the bits of pork that want to get away.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44I find them uncomfortable and hideous and ugly and useless,
0:04:44 > 0:04:47and also I think what's sexy about people is how they move,
0:04:47 > 0:04:51and if you actually make someone immobile, when they're going out,
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I think that's not sexy.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56I had never heard of the word, "control pants".
0:04:56 > 0:05:00I assumed that was like a euphemism for, like, control freak.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Like, "Oh, yeah, he's a right old control pants, he is".
0:05:07 > 0:05:11I have been subjected to these for years.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14People always say to you, "Oh, is it a photo shoot? Slip those on."
0:05:14 > 0:05:17And they hand you something that big.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Actually those.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Yeah.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23And then you go off into a corner,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26and then you cram yourself into some Lycra.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29As we know in life, what goes up, must come down,
0:05:29 > 0:05:31and in my case...
0:05:32 > 0:05:34..everything tends to come upwards.
0:05:34 > 0:05:39So this bit of my person rises to about here,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42and then I can't eat or move for the rest of the day.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Maybe if it came out the top, you could have
0:05:45 > 0:05:46a self-generated snood.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Women in this audience will know exactly what I'm talking about,
0:05:54 > 0:05:58and I don't think you understand quite how grim they are to wear,
0:05:58 > 0:06:02- these things.- I'm very thin, with a little potbelly.
0:06:02 > 0:06:03I look like...
0:06:03 > 0:06:07You know when you see those pictures of a snake that's swallowed a goat?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11So, I really... A girdle would be perfect for me.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14As it is, I just opted for a desk.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16I'd rather wear a desk.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20OK, then. So what doesn't Henning like about modern life?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Yeah. Well, there is nothing wrong with buckets.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36But what they're used for is evil.
0:06:36 > 0:06:41So what I absolutely hate is anything to do with fundraising.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47- You know...- I thought that would get a big round of applause.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49You know them e-mails, don't you, Frank?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Like them e-mails that go like,
0:06:51 > 0:06:55"Ooh, I'm going to do a fun thing I always wanted to do.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57"Give generously."
0:06:57 > 0:07:01- What?- I've just done one of those, and I sent all my friends an e-mail
0:07:01 > 0:07:03saying, "I'm doing a 30-mile... Please sponsor me."
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Next time, I'm going to do that to you.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08What response will I get?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Well, I'll send you lots of junk mail round.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15I think it's outrageous. I mean, if you want to do something,
0:07:15 > 0:07:17why do you bother other people about it?
0:07:17 > 0:07:18I think it's outrageous.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20It's like a friend of mine
0:07:20 > 0:07:23recently went on a 100k fell walk in the Pennines,
0:07:23 > 0:07:27and he was seriously angry with me for me not donating any money.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28I said, "Listen, where I'm from,
0:07:28 > 0:07:32"you going for a walk shouldn't set me back."
0:07:32 > 0:07:36APPLAUSE
0:07:39 > 0:07:41You know all them e-mails, don't you?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Like, "Oh, I'm going to go to Rio de Janeiro,
0:07:44 > 0:07:49"sunbathe on the Copacabana and watch football at the Maracana...
0:07:49 > 0:07:50"for charity."
0:07:54 > 0:07:56We have a clip here. You'll like this.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59This is students trying to raise money for their rag week.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01The idea in this is they send balloons
0:08:01 > 0:08:05with the names of their sponsors out into the world,
0:08:05 > 0:08:07and if you find one of these, you send it back.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09The first one back wins a prize.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11So, this is the grand launch.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Three, two, one, launch!
0:08:20 > 0:08:24BALLOONS POP
0:08:37 > 0:08:41The worst month to live in the UK, without a shadow of a doubt,
0:08:41 > 0:08:42is November...
0:08:42 > 0:08:45and that's got nothing to do with Remembrance Sunday.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Or, as I like to call it, Highly-Selective Remembrance Sunday.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51LAUGHTER
0:08:53 > 0:08:55You're so on a winner here.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59The thing that really drives me...
0:08:59 > 0:09:01I suppose you're used to losing.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07It's started.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Yeah, thanks for bringing that up.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13That Hitler was a right control pants, wasn't he?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16LAUGHTER
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Sorry, Henning.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Because in November, there's people coming up to me asking me
0:09:22 > 0:09:25for my hard-earned, because they're not shaving.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- Movember.- Yeah, Movember nonsense. I mean, what's the next step?
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Getting beaten up if you maintain standards and do shave?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Who is behind the Movember movement?
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Is it the Taliban?
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Ridiculous. Start to finish, ridiculous. And everyone's at it.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44Everyone's at it.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Ian Botham, he didn't get his OBE for playing cricket.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52He got his OBE for walking all the way from Cornwall to the north tip
0:09:52 > 0:09:54of Scotland for charity,
0:09:54 > 0:09:58and Eddie Izzard running 50 marathons in 50 days
0:09:58 > 0:10:02and David Walliams swimming across the Channel and down the Thames
0:10:02 > 0:10:06for Comic Relief, or, to be more precise, his own ego.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09LAUGHTER
0:10:10 > 0:10:13They're all very British achievements, aren't they?
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Walking a lot, running a lot, swimming a lot -
0:10:15 > 0:10:17they're all very British achievements,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19because nothing's been produced.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Anyway, we come to the end of the Modern Life round
0:10:28 > 0:10:31and it's been fun.
0:10:32 > 0:10:39The control pants thing, I can understand how they are a restraint,
0:10:39 > 0:10:42but I think that they...
0:10:42 > 0:10:44There's something that's a little bit intriguing
0:10:44 > 0:10:46and exciting about them.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48That's why they should go, Frank.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50I'm sorry, Caroline. I know what you mean,
0:10:50 > 0:10:53but I am not going to put control pants into Room 101.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56AUDIENCE: Aww.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58That sounded like a lot of people taking them off.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01LAUGHTER
0:11:01 > 0:11:03That's exactly what it's like!
0:11:05 > 0:11:09Junk mail. I never understand why people get so angry about junk mail.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12I'm always interested to find out about a new takeaway
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- or local cab firm.- You're weird.
0:11:15 > 0:11:20I have to say, although it goes against all my inner goodness,
0:11:20 > 0:11:22that you have argued your case so well,
0:11:22 > 0:11:25I am going to put fundraising into Room 101.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28APPLAUSE
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Right. Let's have our next category.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46People. Right. What kind of people doesn't Caroline like?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57I don't like clairvoyants...
0:11:58 > 0:12:01..because I don't believe in clairvoyants.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06I don't like them for lots of reasons, but it seems that
0:12:06 > 0:12:09everybody here, kind of, understands what I'm talking about.
0:12:09 > 0:12:15I went to... It was a show, and I went along to see three people
0:12:15 > 0:12:19who claimed to be able to see...beyond.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23First of all, we were introduced to a lady who walked out and said,
0:12:23 > 0:12:28"Oh, oh, oh, I've got... Oh, something's coming through."
0:12:30 > 0:12:31You get to a certain age...
0:12:33 > 0:12:36She walked around the audience, she said, "Yes, I can feel something
0:12:36 > 0:12:39coming from this bit of the audience here, something coming through.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41"Oh, oh! There's an old man.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43"He's got glasses on. He's using a stick.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46"Does anyone know an old man who uses a stick?"
0:12:46 > 0:12:48It's like, what are the chances?
0:12:48 > 0:12:51"And he's died. I think he's not breathing very well.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53"I think when he died, he had trouble breathing."
0:12:53 > 0:12:54That's what dying is!
0:12:56 > 0:12:59It was humiliating and embarrassing and it was slightly cruel.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03- But do you think anyone has a gift? - No.- Can sense things?
0:13:03 > 0:13:07I'm basing it on this evening of clairvoyance at the cricket club.
0:13:07 > 0:13:12And...you know, I wasn't convinced by anybody.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16At one point, she said, "I've got Swansea coming through. Swansea."
0:13:16 > 0:13:17And no-one said anything at all.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21She went, "Anyone been to Swansea, ever?"
0:13:21 > 0:13:25No-one, nothing at all, and she went, "DVLA? Anybody got a car?"
0:13:26 > 0:13:28It was desperate.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31A friend of mine went to see one in Watford.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32He swears this is true.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35This bloke come out and says, "I've got the letter D. The letter D.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39"I've got a name. The letter D. Anyone? The letter...
0:13:39 > 0:13:41"Dad".
0:13:41 > 0:13:43LAUGHTER
0:13:43 > 0:13:48This brings me on to Derek Acorah,
0:13:48 > 0:13:54who doesn't only speak to humans in the world of spirits.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58I'm going to describe, please, he's only a little guy.
0:13:58 > 0:14:04We would call him... OK...very small legs.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Small body. Tail, clipped.
0:14:08 > 0:14:13He's white and he's got brown...light brown patches and dark brown patches.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Would that fit with the memory of your dog?
0:14:16 > 0:14:20Near enough, he was...black with a white...
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Yeah.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28That's near enough, isn't it?
0:14:28 > 0:14:32OK. So what sort of people wind up Michael?
0:14:38 > 0:14:43People who wear comedy pants, socks and ties.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48They're the most pointless things going. They're never funny.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52They, I think, are worn by people who show a lack of humour.
0:14:52 > 0:14:57Especially the Christmas ones that have a reindeer with a flashing nose
0:14:57 > 0:15:03on it, and you'll get three of them, at midnight mass at Christmas,
0:15:03 > 0:15:07who'll press the nose, and it'll play Jingle Bells,
0:15:07 > 0:15:10and it's hilarious!
0:15:10 > 0:15:12And it's not.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15If it's for the occasion, say it's Christmas,
0:15:15 > 0:15:19and there's a little snowman on it, by all means.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Don't have to be draconian on everything.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26At last, the voice of reason.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31Have you never seen a tie which is, sort of, a comedy tie
0:15:31 > 0:15:33- that you've thought, "Actually, that's quite a good tie?"- No.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35I've got one. I think this is quite funny.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38If we can actually read that.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42It says, "Fat men are harder to kidnap".
0:15:46 > 0:15:48I bought this for Terry Waite.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55- And, you're right, he didn't laugh.- No.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01And pants, as well. Comedy pants, comedy socks.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04They're pointless. They're always cheap.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05They're vulgar.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Well, what about these? These are for men.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14They're for men who like Maltese Terriers, and it says,
0:16:14 > 0:16:18- "My heart belongs to a Maltese". - They're not really for men.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21They're not for men. They're not for men. That's never for a man.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22They are for men.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26Dog pants on a man looks better than human tights on a dog.
0:16:29 > 0:16:34LAUGHTER
0:16:39 > 0:16:41That's horrific. That's horrific!
0:16:43 > 0:16:47- I like a comedy sock. And in fact, this evening...- Uh-oh.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- Oh, God. - I have... You'll like these.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57APPLAUSE
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Yeah, we love those.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05- Do you know what? I love them. - I knew you would!
0:17:05 > 0:17:08OK. Well, what sort of people...
0:17:08 > 0:17:11LAUGHTER
0:17:11 > 0:17:13..make Henning Wehn angry?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Oh, dear.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:24 > 0:17:27BOOING
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Now, come on. They're my lot. I can make fun about them.
0:17:34 > 0:17:40I suggest we abolish the monarchy, because I feel, well, see,
0:17:40 > 0:17:44- I feel so sorry for all the members of the royal family.- Why?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Well, because, you know, life is about bettering yourself,
0:17:47 > 0:17:49but, when you're born into the royal family,
0:17:49 > 0:17:52how are they going to better themselves?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54"Here's everything."
0:17:54 > 0:17:56"OK, then."
0:17:56 > 0:18:00So, now imagine William and Harry born into a regular family.
0:18:00 > 0:18:05I mean, you could easily see Harry getting a job at a garage,
0:18:05 > 0:18:08and William, I mean, who is to say William couldn't make it up
0:18:08 > 0:18:11into middle management in a recruitment company?
0:18:11 > 0:18:15Let's abolish the monarchy and give them an opportunity
0:18:15 > 0:18:17of upward social mobility.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:21 > 0:18:25As we all know, they are essentially German, the British monarchy.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Well, not all Germans are good people.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Even the Duke of Edinburgh, his family name
0:18:33 > 0:18:36is Schleswig Holstein Sonderburg Glucksburg.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Everybody's talking 'bout pop music.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44So have you ever... Have you met them? Any of them?
0:18:44 > 0:18:47You would think they'd invite me round for tea,
0:18:47 > 0:18:49- but, no, never met them. - But there is...
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- Have you, Michael? - Well, once or twice.
0:18:55 > 0:19:01Here's a clip of Prince Charles at the Doctor Who studios in Cardiff,
0:19:01 > 0:19:03so he must be all right.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08DALEK: We are the masters of this planet.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10EXTERMINATE!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Would you like to have a go?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- I don't think my voice will... - Give it a go.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20- Do you make it...?- You have to do some serious hectoring.
0:19:20 > 0:19:21- DALEK VOICE:- You have to!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- DALEK VOICE:- Exterminate!
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Exterminate! Exterminate!
0:19:26 > 0:19:28That's very good.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30There's a bit later, which we couldn't show,
0:19:30 > 0:19:34when he starts going, "Mum, abdicate! Mum, abdicate!"
0:19:40 > 0:19:42So that is the end of the round
0:19:42 > 0:19:46and I am not going to put the royal family in,
0:19:46 > 0:19:50because I just love all that pomp and circumstance.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52APPLAUSE
0:19:52 > 0:19:55And I'm not going to put comedy socks, pants and ties in,
0:19:55 > 0:19:59because I identify with the office joker and his wacky sense of humour.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02I think that's marvellous. But you're right, clairvoyants,
0:20:02 > 0:20:04although they are extremely entertaining,
0:20:04 > 0:20:07they're also extremely exploitative, in many ways,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10so I am going to put clairvoyants into Room 101.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15Quite right.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Next category, please.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32OK, it's the wildcard. So, the gloves are off.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34You can choose anything at all that you don't like.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36What is Caroline's wildcard?
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Knick-knacks.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Ooh.
0:20:46 > 0:20:51Yeah. Bibelots. Trinkets. Bits and bobs.
0:20:51 > 0:20:56Basically, I've chosen the things that, as I'm getting older,
0:20:56 > 0:20:58I find myself mysteriously drawn to.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03I would not have given house room to a stone with two googly eyes
0:21:03 > 0:21:07and a tail when I was 45, but the minute I turned 50,
0:21:07 > 0:21:11I can't walk through a gift shop without touching cushions
0:21:11 > 0:21:12with tapestry kittens on,
0:21:12 > 0:21:18or bookmarks with "Darling, sister, how I love thee," on them.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21It's something I think that happens to you when you hit the menopause,
0:21:21 > 0:21:24and it's a biological response to crap.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- And whereas, before, you were perfectly rational...- Mm-hmm.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31..when you hit the menopause, your temperature goes way up,
0:21:31 > 0:21:34and you start buying fudge and notepads.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39It's like you can't...
0:21:39 > 0:21:43So why don't you put the menopause, then, into Room 101?
0:21:43 > 0:21:44LAUGHTER
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Because...
0:21:46 > 0:21:48APPLAUSE
0:21:48 > 0:21:52..the menopause is the result of having been fertile
0:21:52 > 0:21:55and without fertility, you wouldn't be here.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Mum!
0:21:57 > 0:22:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:03 > 0:22:05You've got tat all behind you, you see. You've got all that stuff.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07- Yeah.- I love it. I love a bit of clutter.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10- You've got a Toby jug there. - This is absolute...
0:22:10 > 0:22:13This is not for comedy purposes. I took a photo of this. I own this.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17This is a vacuum cleaner cover that I bought.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26It's a country mouse vacuum cleaner cover.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27It's really quite grotesque.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30It's a little bit frightening at night.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Where do you hold it?
0:22:34 > 0:22:39You have to take it off the Hoover. You don't hoover with it.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40I don't want people to come round
0:22:40 > 0:22:42and think I'm dancing with a woodland creature.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47The thing when I was a kid, everyone used to have those things,
0:22:47 > 0:22:51- including us, a gift from Weymouth...- Yeah.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53..and stuff. And I think people brought those back to prove
0:22:53 > 0:22:57they hadn't really served a short custodial sentence.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02It was like, "We really did go to Weymouth."
0:23:02 > 0:23:06Let's see what Henning's wildcard is.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13What I definitely want to outlaw is people singing Happy Birthday
0:23:13 > 0:23:15in a restaurant.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17APPLAUSE
0:23:20 > 0:23:23I like singing in any context.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25It's nice that people... A bit of community singing.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- But it's not, really. - There's something lovely about community singing.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Not really, because it's not a community feeling, is it?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Because it's, essentially, you separate yourself
0:23:33 > 0:23:35from the rest of the restaurant.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38So, like, there is a pizza place round where I live
0:23:38 > 0:23:40and they do very good pizzas,
0:23:40 > 0:23:42but you have to have eaten there by a quarter past six.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44If you're not out of there by quarter past six,
0:23:44 > 0:23:46it all starts to kick off.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Every half hour, on the Tannoy, they go,
0:23:49 > 0:23:51# Da, da-da da, da, da. #
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Then somebody bringing out a cake with some candles in,
0:23:54 > 0:23:58then everybody's joining in. You don't even know them!
0:23:58 > 0:24:00And then, if you really want to get involved,
0:24:00 > 0:24:03move over to their table and say, "Ooh, who's birthday is it, then?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05"Where is my slice of cake?"
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Most people, they can't even sing properly.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12That is another annoying thing.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15I mean, if I want to hear people sing out of tune, I go to church.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21- Can I show you my favourite ever birthday cake?- Yes.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24This was... What happened, I'll tell you the back story of this.
0:24:24 > 0:24:29This woman phoned up the cake company and this is what she said.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33She said she wanted "Best wishes, Suzanne", and then underneath that,
0:24:33 > 0:24:37"We will miss you," and this is the cake that she got delivered.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51OK, then. Let's see what Michael's wildcard is.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58I feel terrible doing this,
0:24:58 > 0:25:04but it's giving grown men stuffed animals and teddy bears as presents.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09I've had one or two.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11I've got enough now.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14I don't need any more. And it's not just me.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17People do it to a lot of...a lot of blokes.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19They'll send, you know, as a gift.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22And I suppose when you get them, you see the little...
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Bags and bags.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30- Actually...- Henning can't move for teddy bears, can you?
0:25:30 > 0:25:31It's the thought that counts.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I do understand that,
0:25:33 > 0:25:38but why would you buy a teddy or a panda,
0:25:38 > 0:25:42and think that a grown man would relish that?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Well, you want to toughen up your image.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Do you know? You're quite right. You're quite right.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54They don't chuck any of them at rappers.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- I think he's onto something. - Because it's a lovely thing... - Why do they send that to you?
0:25:57 > 0:26:00I don't know, because they're sending me a hug, and this is...
0:26:00 > 0:26:04I don't know, and I don't want to get into the psychoanalysis of it.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08- No.- I just don't want any more, and I mean that in a loving way.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Yes, I'm sure.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13I really do.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17But honestly, why?
0:26:17 > 0:26:18I don't need them.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Have you considered recycling, Michael?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24I do. I give them away.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27I've been sent probably about a couple of hundred
0:26:27 > 0:26:30- over the years, I would say. - You have?- Yeah.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31What do you do with them?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Well, I'll show you what I do with them.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38And there's no reason why you shouldn't do this yourself.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39I had them tailored.
0:26:40 > 0:26:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:51 > 0:26:53That is awesome.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Let me just get this, get the whole outfit.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59You have to take...
0:26:59 > 0:27:01You have to take the...
0:27:01 > 0:27:04APPLAUSE
0:27:08 > 0:27:12A friend said to me, "It looks like post-nuclear Britain,"
0:27:12 > 0:27:14and I have declared myself king.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- Yeah. - It's proper Pearly King, isn't it?
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Yeah, it is.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25It's what I call the Coat Of Many Koalas.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:27:28 > 0:27:31So, look, I love knick-knacks so much
0:27:31 > 0:27:33and I also love people singing in public.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35It's difficult.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39Just because I think Michael is such a personal victim of this attack,
0:27:39 > 0:27:41it's people, as you say, who send teddy bears to grown men.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43It's inappropriately to a 50-year-old man.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47So, on those grounds, I am going to put people who send teddy bears
0:27:47 > 0:27:50to grown men into Room 101.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06OK, and that brings us to the end of the show
0:28:06 > 0:28:08and it's actually a draw.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Now, normally, in these circumstances,
0:28:10 > 0:28:13we have a penalty shoot-out, but just to save time,
0:28:13 > 0:28:15I'm just going to give it straight to Henning, so...
0:28:17 > 0:28:21- ..you're this week's winner. - Thank you very much. Thank you.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24APPLAUSE
0:28:26 > 0:28:29So, thanks very much, Henning Wehn, Michael Ball
0:28:29 > 0:28:32and Caroline Quentin, and thank you, good night.