0:00:26 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38the show where three guests battle to despatch their pet hates
0:00:38 > 0:00:40to the infamous vault.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45Joining me tonight are comedian Lee Mack, Hairy Biker Dave Myers,
0:00:45 > 0:00:47and TV legend Ruby Wax.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Legend?
0:00:50 > 0:00:52How come you get "legend"?
0:00:54 > 0:00:55Let's have our first category.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Television. Watch out. OK.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06What doesn't Lee like about television?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11LAUGHTER
0:01:11 > 0:01:13APPLAUSE
0:01:13 > 0:01:16FAINT BOOING
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Top Gear.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Let's put this to bed straightaway.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21I'm speaking on behalf of everyone in the world
0:01:21 > 0:01:23when I say cars are boring.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Full stop.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26They're not interesting.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29And even the producers, I think, of the show,
0:01:29 > 0:01:32know that that's true, because what they talk about is never
0:01:32 > 0:01:35the reality of cars, our world of cars.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37It's that fake reality of things like,
0:01:37 > 0:01:40"Today, we're going to talk about off-road vehicles."
0:01:40 > 0:01:44Am I the only person in the world that's never driven off a road?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47I have. I've gone off, but in a normal car.
0:01:47 > 0:01:52- Yeah.- I see those women... those women, and I just swerve.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56I'm not talking about your heavy drinking days, Ruby. I'm talking about... Yeah. It's the language.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58The language doesn't have anything to do
0:01:58 > 0:02:00with my experience of driving, you know.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02You know, you'll hear them say things like, you know,
0:02:02 > 0:02:06"If I talked about the new suspension on the Audi 6149,
0:02:06 > 0:02:09"you'd say, 'But what about the torque?'"
0:02:09 > 0:02:11No, I wouldn't.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13I'd say, "Where's the cup-holder?"
0:02:13 > 0:02:14because that's the only thing...
0:02:14 > 0:02:16LAUGHTER
0:02:16 > 0:02:18If it's on the right, good design.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19If it's on the left, it's a bad design
0:02:19 > 0:02:22cos I'm right-handed. That's it. Anything else...
0:02:22 > 0:02:26I know nothing about cars at all. I drive a...a grey one.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30What do you drive, then?
0:02:30 > 0:02:34Well, as it happens, I drive a 1966 Triumph TR4A IRS,
0:02:34 > 0:02:36but that's not the point.
0:02:36 > 0:02:37LAUGHTER
0:02:37 > 0:02:39The point is... But it's not the point, is it?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42- Hold it. That's not true, is it? - It is, yeah.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45But I'd like to point out, because I know nothing about cars,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48but it's an old 1960s classic car, and I love the look of it.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51- I can definitely appreciate... - Oh, God, he's going on now.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54I appreciate the beauty of a car without seeing a programme about it.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Here's a thing. This is a picture of Jeremy Clarkson in a small car.
0:02:58 > 0:03:03Now that...that's funny, isn't it?
0:03:03 > 0:03:05I won't have a word said against this man.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Once I had him on a talk show, and my husband said,
0:03:08 > 0:03:11"Whatever you do, don't ask him for a free car."
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Before he actually hit the leather I said,
0:03:14 > 0:03:16"Jeremy, can you fix me up with a free car?"
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Anyway, he did, about ten years ago, and I've still been using his name.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20He got you a free car?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23He got me a deal. I can't say with who.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- No.- But I... So I have to say "Jaguar!" as much as I can.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28LAUGHTER
0:03:29 > 0:03:31But would you love it more if he did more classics?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33I would, because classics look nice.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36All modern cars look roughly the same, don't they, roughly?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Oh, no, not a Jaguar.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40LAUGHTER
0:03:40 > 0:03:44This is starting to look like a really bad episode of Top Gear.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49I tell you what, if he gave her the glasses with that T-shirt,
0:03:49 > 0:03:51it would be a really bad episode of "Where's Wally?"
0:03:51 > 0:03:54LAUGHTER
0:03:55 > 0:03:57APPLAUSE
0:03:57 > 0:04:01So, what doesn't Dave like about TV?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Deal Or No Deal.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Oh, Frank. Deal Or No Deal.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22It's wrong on so many levels.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Starting with its core value, you know,
0:04:26 > 0:04:30it's the product of cosmic ordering, apparently, by Noel Edmonds.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Apparently, he gets followed by two orbs.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36One is the size of a cantaloupe melon, and it's his mother.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- Two orbs?- Yeah, yeah. Spiritual orbs.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41The other one's like a watermelon and it's his father,
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- and they give him positivity and... - Is this true?- Yes.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48- Well, hold on. Not true. - No. I'll rephrase it.
0:04:48 > 0:04:49Is it true that Noel said this?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Oh, yes. He's written a book on it.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54And what it has resulted in is, like, a game show
0:04:54 > 0:04:58that's completely and utterly pointless and devoid of skill.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59You know what I mean?
0:04:59 > 0:05:03Like, you watch Countdown, that's clever, but Deal Or No Deal,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06you get somebody sweating buckets going...you know,
0:05:06 > 0:05:09there's some poor soul there who needs a new wheelchair,
0:05:09 > 0:05:11and they're praying for what's in that box
0:05:11 > 0:05:12to make their dreams come true.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15And he's going, "I'll do my best for you."
0:05:16 > 0:05:18All you've got to do is open a box, haven't you?
0:05:18 > 0:05:20LAUGHTER
0:05:23 > 0:05:26You know, then they have specials, don't they?
0:05:26 > 0:05:27They've never got the production values.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30They did like a music festival one with a Portaloo,
0:05:30 > 0:05:32and they made somebody sit in the Portaloo.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34I just don't like it, Frank.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:42 > 0:05:44PHONE RINGS
0:05:44 > 0:05:46LAUGHTER
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Yeah, he is, isn't he? Yes. OK.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53He'll give you £10,000 to get off the show.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56I'm off.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59They could spice it up a bit.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01If they had one box every...
0:06:01 > 0:06:06every show had a box that was completely crammed with wasps.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08LAUGHTER
0:06:08 > 0:06:12"Argh, it's the wasp box!" That would make it more exciting.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14How many times have you seen this show?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16I've seen it quite a bit because I got into it.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18That's why I hate myself, Ruby.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- Yeah. You're addicted. - Well, I think I've broke it now,
0:06:20 > 0:06:22cos I'm so disillusioned with myself.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I'm more a Countdown kind of person, really.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Dictionary Corner, the sums, Rachel Riley, it's fascinating.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33I don't watch Countdown cos I'm a Catholic.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36We can't use a conundrum.
0:06:39 > 0:06:44But, Dave, you've done what I suppose is
0:06:44 > 0:06:46a sort of a reality/game show,
0:06:46 > 0:06:50but one that definitely requires a great deal of skill, like this.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Bring on the wall!
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Knees up more, knees up more...!
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Oh!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04APPLAUSE
0:07:04 > 0:07:06I've never done anything like that ever again. Never.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08For how much money wouldn't you?
0:07:10 > 0:07:11OK.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13PHONE RINGS
0:07:13 > 0:07:14LAUGHTER
0:07:17 > 0:07:1812 grand?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Yeah, I'm in.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26OK. What television show winds up Ruby?
0:07:29 > 0:07:30This is good.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Oh, very good.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36What is it, Ruby?
0:07:36 > 0:07:39I did a show called Celebrity Shark Bait.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41LAUGHTER
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Many of you have seen it, I'm sure.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48But Richard E Grant and I did a double suicide, career-wise.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52So we said, "Yeah, who's going to see it, right?"
0:07:52 > 0:07:54And it's a free trip to Cape Town.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57So we go, and there's a girl, I can't remember her name,
0:07:57 > 0:08:01- but fabulous cleavage. - She's called Amy Nuttall.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03- OK. Well, now I can't say anything. - We have a picture of Amy.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05This will illustrate your, er, your point.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Oh, yeah, there she is. Not bitter at all.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- So Amy clearly had attributes that I don't have, OK.- Mmm.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15So when we got to Cape Town, they never shot with Richard and I.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Every day they'd say, "Go away, old people."
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Sorry to interrupt, but I must be getting really old,
0:08:19 > 0:08:22cos I'm looking at her, and I really want some shortbread.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25LAUGHTER
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- That's a sign of age, that, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33OK. Enough now. Enough.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Can we get her off now? OK.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38So the day came to swim with the sharks,
0:08:38 > 0:08:41and the cleavage woman said she wouldn't go in, right?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44After all her training, she wouldn't go in the water,
0:08:44 > 0:08:47so they took the old people, and they put us in a wetsuit.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50We hadn't been prepared, so "shark lady", it said, said,
0:08:50 > 0:08:52"It's perfectly all right.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53"We've never had an incident.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56"It's completely safe," and she had three fingers.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58LAUGHTER
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Anyway, it was a horrifying thing to watch.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Well, we have a clip.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Oh, my God! Oh, my God, no!
0:09:05 > 0:09:07This is Ruby in the cage.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Oh, my God.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11'Can he stick his head in there?'
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Ruby. Ruby, Ruby, can you hear me?
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Ruby?
0:09:20 > 0:09:21Oh, my God!
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Oh, my God...
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Oh, my God!
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Oh, for God's sake!
0:09:28 > 0:09:29It's huge!
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Did you see how big that was?
0:09:33 > 0:09:35How big was it?
0:09:35 > 0:09:39- It's exhilarating.- That's the biggest high I've ever had...
0:09:39 > 0:09:41- in my life.- Fantastic!
0:09:42 > 0:09:44APPLAUSE
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I don't... I think that might be the first time I've ever said,
0:09:50 > 0:09:53"Oh, my God, it was so huge," and have a bad expression on...
0:09:53 > 0:09:55But, Ruby, you say there
0:09:55 > 0:09:58that it's the biggest high you've ever had in your life.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59It sounds brilliant.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03Well, after you get out, but while I was in there, I remember,
0:10:03 > 0:10:06I went to the loo, and it came out of my collar.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08SHOCKED LAUGHTER
0:10:12 > 0:10:14I had a halo of gold around me.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Seriously. The shark was just disgusted.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18LAUGHTER
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Ruby also did Cirque de Celebrite.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24- Do you have any...- Of course we have a clip! You were the ringmaster.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- Here is... It already looks to me like you're hating it.- Yeah.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31And there's that other matter I promised you at the end of the show,
0:10:31 > 0:10:34the Cirque de Celebrite human pyramid.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36It's unwatchable.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Oh, I mean, unmissable.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41LAUGHTER
0:10:46 > 0:10:48OK. Well, look, you've all argued very well.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51I just can't put Top Gear in because I've accidentally,
0:10:51 > 0:10:55during the research for you hating it, have fallen in love with it.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Well, whatever. I'm easy-going.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Oh, no. Sorry.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02LAUGHTER
0:11:05 > 0:11:08And I think you're right.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12There is just a total randomness about Deal Or No Deal,
0:11:12 > 0:11:15but I've always been a great fan of gullibility
0:11:15 > 0:11:18in all its manifestations, so I kind of like it for that.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21But I think you argue with such fervour and personal pain...
0:11:21 > 0:11:26- Yeah.- ..that I am going to put Celebrity Shark Bait...
0:11:26 > 0:11:28- Thank you.- ..into Room 101. - Thank you.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30APPLAUSE
0:11:38 > 0:11:40OK. Next category, please.
0:11:45 > 0:11:50It's modern life. So, what doesn't Dave like about modern life?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Chunky chips.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59LAUGHTER
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Chunky chips are so wrong.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04You know, I cook for a living, but chunky chips,
0:12:04 > 0:12:07I wouldn't cook them, I wouldn't eat them.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10It just doesn't work. They're always raw in the middle.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12They're kind of cooked wrong on the outside.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15You see, when you deep-fry, what happens, Frankie...
0:12:15 > 0:12:17RUBY PRETENDS TO SNORE
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- If you get your temperatures right...- Yeah.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25..like, the potato inside, the steam comes out, repels the fat,
0:12:25 > 0:12:28hence crispness on the outside, softness on the inside.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31But the thing is, with a chunky chip, it always remains
0:12:31 > 0:12:34raw on the inside, it sucks the grease in, soggy on the outside.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36I'm getting very turned on.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Academically, sexually, sensually, chunky chips don't work.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44The thing is, if you want thick potatoes like that, you want
0:12:44 > 0:12:48to have, kind of, roast potatoes, you know, with the goose fat.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51You could always sprinkle polenta, or a little bit of...
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Yes, all right, it's not a cookery show, Dave.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55I just think they're horrible.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57When it says on a menu, "Comes with chunky chips",
0:12:57 > 0:13:00just forget it. They're just dreadful.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Then they come in this, like Yenga-like pile,
0:13:02 > 0:13:03so when you get them,
0:13:03 > 0:13:05they're flaccid, they're soft and they're cold.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08I mean, they're like a yeti's member in a stack.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10LAUGHTER
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Blimey. I can see why you didn't make it as a maitre d'.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19LAUGHTER
0:13:20 > 0:13:24No, but...there's something offensive about the way
0:13:24 > 0:13:26that they stack them like that,
0:13:26 > 0:13:29like a game of Yenga, that's somehow so pretentious.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Well, not as pretentious as saying "Yenga".
0:13:33 > 0:13:34Jenga! Jenga!
0:13:34 > 0:13:37I like chunky chips,
0:13:37 > 0:13:39and I've never noticed them being raw on the inside.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43At least with a good French fry... I'm not talking skinny chips,
0:13:43 > 0:13:45just a nice, regular cut chip, that's cut to that right
0:13:45 > 0:13:49kind of diameter so the outside is crispy, preferably twice cooked...
0:13:49 > 0:13:50Do you have a girlfriend?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52LAUGHTER
0:13:52 > 0:13:53Yeah, married and everything.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Have you not met her? She's called Yanet.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56LAUGHTER
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I'm with Frank on this. I love a chunky chip.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Yeah, but some people like Morris dancing, and that's wrong as well.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Do you know what? That is a fair argument.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12To be fair, you could say that at the end of any argument
0:14:12 > 0:14:14- and I'd go, "Yeah, fair enough." - No, not with me, you can't.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- I like Morris dancing.- Do you? - Yes.- And chunky chips?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19- And chunky chips.- You're weird.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20LAUGHTER
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Do you like wedges? What about potato wedges?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- Well...- Isn't that when you pull your underwear up?
0:14:26 > 0:14:28- With a potato?- I don't know where the potato comes in.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- No, it's not right.- I don't know anything about cooking,
0:14:31 > 0:14:33but even I know, get a bit of duck fat on your finger,
0:14:33 > 0:14:35rub it on your chunky chip,
0:14:35 > 0:14:37and then you've got your chunky chip with a crispy outer.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Little tip for you. Use it if you like.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44No. You've got a piece of potato covered in grease.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Well, that's what a roast potato is.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- No. No, it's not.- I think...
0:14:48 > 0:14:50LAUGHTER
0:14:50 > 0:14:52You actually swivelled then. "Right, that's it!
0:14:52 > 0:14:54"That's fighting talk!"
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Well, I went to a restaurant.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02It was a very, very old-fashioned restaurant indeed.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06I ordered chunky chips and they served them like this.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07LAUGHTER
0:15:12 > 0:15:16OK, so what does Lee Mack not like about modern life?
0:15:25 > 0:15:26It's David Blaine.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28CHEERS OF APPROVAL
0:15:33 > 0:15:38Now, in my day, magicians, like Paul Daniels, would go on telly,
0:15:38 > 0:15:40and it was simple. The rules were simple.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42You knew how you were watching it, as a viewer.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45He'd stick Debbie in a cage, chuck a silk hankie over her.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Whoop, she's a leopard, end of story.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51And then about 15 years ago, something changed with magic,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53where they decided it was un-cool,
0:15:53 > 0:15:56so they were going to make it grungy. And more frighteningly -
0:15:56 > 0:15:58and this is the thing I don't like - and it's not just him,
0:15:58 > 0:16:00he just represents this modern way of doing magic,
0:16:00 > 0:16:03now they pretend it's real.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06So, whereas Paul Daniels used to go, "Ta-da!"
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Them lot, now, like him, he'll end the trick with...
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Like it was actually draining to do the real magic.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21Yeah, but you can't do 44 days in a glass box over Tower Bridge
0:16:21 > 0:16:22and then go, "Ta-da!"
0:16:23 > 0:16:26I think magic is partly about the audience.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30And here's David Blaine, and the audience just makes this for me.
0:16:30 > 0:16:35You might feel this. Hold your hand here. Watch. Here's my idea.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Just wave, see?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Did you feel anything? Now, watch, ready?
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Cool.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56LAUGHTER
0:16:58 > 0:16:59But that is good, isn't it?
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Well, it's all right.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04I'd still rather see Debbie McGee turn into a leopard,
0:17:04 > 0:17:05but I'm old school.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09So, what doesn't Ruby like about modern life?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15New Age books.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18In the '60s, I guess, cos they didn't trust doctors anymore,
0:17:18 > 0:17:22for some reason, or they just wanted to not pay so much,
0:17:22 > 0:17:26is that they invented this, er, kind of love of the self, you know.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29So, it would be like looking for the you in you,
0:17:29 > 0:17:32or the awakening of the goddess within,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35but spewing and becoming a woman and dropping your seed.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37These were the types, and it had to do...
0:17:37 > 0:17:40You'd always see these women who were goddesses
0:17:40 > 0:17:42with the grey hair, no bra,
0:17:42 > 0:17:45with, like, the Himalayas on the floor.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48And then dancing, dancing to, like, the "ding-ding" music,
0:17:48 > 0:17:52you know, dancing with the wolves, usually with that music from whales.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53Whales, not the country.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57They recorded whales, and that was the whole music for the new age.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- Let's look at some New Age books, shall we?- Oh, I love them.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02There you go. I like this one.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Wherever You Go, There You Are.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06It's a sort of very basic...
0:18:06 > 0:18:07LAUGHTER
0:18:07 > 0:18:09..very basic A to Z.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14- That is great.- I actually like that guy. He was my professor.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15LAUGHTER
0:18:17 > 0:18:18Really?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Yeah. It's an unfortunate title, but he's the real thing.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22OK. Or, um...
0:18:24 > 0:18:28Anybody Can Be Cool... But Awesome Takes Practice.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29LAUGHTER
0:18:31 > 0:18:32What about this one?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36How To Communicate With Animals.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39What I like about this, the deer in the background is clearly
0:18:39 > 0:18:42looking across and saying, "Hold on, isn't that Malcolm's antler?"
0:18:44 > 0:18:46So, it's big business, Ruby.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48It's huge business, yeah. Well, you've done it.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- No, but...- He's not done it, surely.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Yes, he's done it. You don't look like that for nothing.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55LAUGHTER
0:18:56 > 0:18:57No, but you do look like a warlock.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00There used to be a woman in Barrow-in-Furness
0:19:00 > 0:19:02that did rebirthing, and she did...
0:19:02 > 0:19:06And she had, like, ventilator ducts and castor oil,
0:19:06 > 0:19:10and the idea was you popped in one end, you had to work your way out,
0:19:10 > 0:19:11and then you got out,
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- and she slapped you and you were born again.- See?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17How's your mum, Frank? Is she all right?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Anyway, I'm not going to put in the New Age stuff,
0:19:22 > 0:19:25cos I think there might be something in it. I like chunky chips.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28But you know what? I've got no time for David Blaine.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30I am going to put him into Room 101.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Right, let's have our next category.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52It's the Wildcard round. In this round there are no restrictions.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55You can just have anything at all you don't like.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57So, what is Dave's Wildcard?
0:20:03 > 0:20:08- Wigs.- Thank God. I thought it was Judy Finnigan.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11I wouldn't have let you put her in. Wigs. Why?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13All my life has been beset with wigs since I was a little boy.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16When I was eight, I got stricken with alopecia totalis, you know,
0:20:16 > 0:20:20so I had no hair, no eyebrows, no eyelashes,
0:20:20 > 0:20:22and I got sent to the hospital,
0:20:22 > 0:20:25and I was offered a National Health Service wig,
0:20:25 > 0:20:28and this thing, honestly, was like a crash helmet,
0:20:28 > 0:20:31and I couldn't wear it cos I had National Health glasses as well.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34It was a sorry sight. I had alopecia till I was about 40.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Now, my first job, when I left art school,
0:20:36 > 0:20:38I worked as a make-up artist...
0:20:38 > 0:20:40- He was my make-up artist.- I was.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43I did, I made you up on the Secret Policeman's Third Ball.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44- Yeah. Yeah.- Wow.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47We have a picture of you, um, from this period,
0:20:47 > 0:20:48when you had the alopecia.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51So was the beard a wig?
0:20:51 > 0:20:55No, no. My beard, my pits, my... that was always fine.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- It was just my head.- It must have been awful, though, Dave, wasn't it?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Well, I was just used to it. I was just bald, you know.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02I was the bald kid at school.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04You know, they used to call me Uncle Fester
0:21:04 > 0:21:08and make me put light bulbs in my mouth, but, you know, I coped.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11I joined the BBC, and the personnel person at the time,
0:21:11 > 0:21:15this was in 1980, wanted me to have a wig made
0:21:15 > 0:21:16in case I offended the artists,
0:21:16 > 0:21:19cos, obviously, I looked more like a mugger than a make-up man.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23But they wanted me to have the wigs made and they were going to dock
0:21:23 > 0:21:26the cost of the wigs out of my wages on a monthly basis.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29So, anyway, I just shaved my head and said I'm bald
0:21:29 > 0:21:31and you can't fire me for being bald.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34I mean, one of the most sinister people I ever met was
0:21:34 > 0:21:39a Russian hair merchant, and he came over with bags full of human hair,
0:21:39 > 0:21:42like a really posh wig that's got the wispy bits at the front.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45That's point hair, and that's made from children's hair,
0:21:45 > 0:21:46from their first cut.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- Oh.- Oh.- Wigs are a sinister world.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52That's the name of your autobiography, isn't it?
0:21:53 > 0:21:57You know, the whole thing of artificial hair, it's all wrong.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59If you're bald, just be bald.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03I have to say, I have watched the Hairy Bikers on several occasions
0:22:03 > 0:22:06and thought to myself, if you worked in a restaurant,
0:22:06 > 0:22:08- wouldn't you have to wear a hairnet with that?- No.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- Yes, you would.- You'd have to wear a hat or something.- Or...
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Dave, this is day one, restaurant school. You should know this.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17You know you have to wash your hands after you've been to the toilet?
0:22:17 > 0:22:18LAUGHTER
0:22:18 > 0:22:21OK, what's Ruby's Wildcard?
0:22:25 > 0:22:26My mother.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27- AUDIENCE:- Aw...
0:22:27 > 0:22:31As far as eccentrics, this was the A-lister of A-listers.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34So, I'm grateful to her for some of my comedy.
0:22:34 > 0:22:39We have a dog that she loved, Lumby, and this is not tasteful.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43You know, when people came over, he would sort of grab their leg,
0:22:43 > 0:22:46you know, and you'd smear him off, but my mother would go,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49"Look, the lover boy. He's dancing, he's dancing!"
0:22:49 > 0:22:51And then she'd go, in Polish,
0:22:51 > 0:22:53she'd go, "Lumby, say 'Heil Hitler,'"
0:22:53 > 0:22:55and he'd go like this.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57NERVOUS LAUGHTER
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Oh, no, this was... She was way out there.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02To be fair, he was only following orders.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03LAUGHTER
0:23:07 > 0:23:10She'd get fixed on things, like I do now.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13You know, it's like a Russian missile just homing in.
0:23:13 > 0:23:18- Yeah.- So she, um, she came to England and she said, "Buy a broom."
0:23:18 > 0:23:20But then she doesn't stop it, right?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22So we'd to a restaurant, and she'd go, "A broom,
0:23:22 > 0:23:27"and with the bristles, not this... with the bristles," and every night
0:23:27 > 0:23:30she'd draw it in the tablecloth with a knife, "With the bristles."
0:23:30 > 0:23:33It never stopped, so finally I took her to the airport.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35She's still going, "Buy a broom."
0:23:35 > 0:23:38You could see her through the window, and then sits down.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40As soon as she gets home, a few days later, she goes,
0:23:40 > 0:23:41"Did you get the broom?"
0:23:41 > 0:23:44And then she says, "Oh, your Aunt Hamburger died".
0:23:44 > 0:23:46And then she said, "Now, what about the broom?"
0:23:46 > 0:23:51and I went, "Wait, what did you just say?" And she said, "Your aunt Hamburger died. The broom!
0:23:51 > 0:23:53"Buy the broom!" And I said, "What did you say?"
0:23:53 > 0:23:57She went, "OK, back the clock up 24 hours. She's not dead.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58"Now, buy the broom."
0:23:58 > 0:24:00LAUGHTER
0:24:00 > 0:24:02That's genius.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- She was fantastic. - She sounds marvellous.- Yeah.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09My mum used to say,
0:24:09 > 0:24:13"Don't put hot tea bags in the bin or you'll set the bin on fire."
0:24:13 > 0:24:14LAUGHTER
0:24:14 > 0:24:17OK. So what's Lee's Wildcard?
0:24:22 > 0:24:24It's children's parties.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27- Hmm.- Controversial, you might think.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31- Well, we'll soon find out. Why? - Hate children. Hate parties. Next.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32LAUGHTER
0:24:36 > 0:24:38When I was a kid, and tell me if it's just me,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41but birthday parties were not every year, to start with.
0:24:41 > 0:24:46We wouldn't have them every year. We'd have them every two or three years, and it was like you,
0:24:46 > 0:24:49your brother, maybe a cousin, a couple of mates from school.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50That was it, wasn't it?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- No. - No? Oh.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- No. I had big parties. - Yeah, me too.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57But not the way they are now.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59This is not just my kids.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Every kid in the class is having them. These are a weekly event.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Sometimes it's two! Two parties in a day.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06He went to a party of 30.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Two hours later, he went to another party. That is 60 people.
0:25:08 > 0:25:13Why has a seven-year-old child got a better social life than me? I'm 45.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17Cakes. What happened to Victoria sponges and a couple of candles?
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- Now it's like...- Fireworks. - Aladdin on a skateboard
0:25:20 > 0:25:24with doves coming out. What happened to just normal little cakes
0:25:24 > 0:25:26and a bit of pass the parcel. Now it's themes and it's...
0:25:26 > 0:25:31I've got some pictures of cakes I think you'll enjoy.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32This is a Mickey Mouse cake.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37LAUGHTER
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Or Liza Minnelli.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42LAUGHTER
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Here's one themed on road kill.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50LAUGHTER
0:25:51 > 0:25:55It looks like it's been skinned, though. A flayed hedgehog.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Here's a fabulous children's party.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00This is... I'm not making this up.
0:26:00 > 0:26:05This is a bouncy castle based on the Titanic.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08LAUGHTER
0:26:08 > 0:26:11- That's good. That's good.- That is genuine.- Yeah. That's fantastic.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- That is unbelievable.- But if you arrived at a party and it had that,
0:26:14 > 0:26:16you'd know it was going to be a really good party.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Well, it depends if it's 1912.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21LAUGHTER
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Would it be morally wrong to not tell your children
0:26:24 > 0:26:26about birthdays at all?
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Well, that could work. We haven't told them about Easter or Christmas,
0:26:30 > 0:26:32so I suppose we could extend it to birthdays.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34I feel sorry for your kids.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39- Why?- Because, you know, the spirit of birthday parties
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- and throwing them a good bash... - Let me tell you what my kids get
0:26:42 > 0:26:45that your kids will never get - big, fat chips.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:50 > 0:26:52They're happy with that. That's all they want.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53It's all they're getting.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56They wouldn't eat them cos mine have got taste.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57- AUDIENCE:- Oooh!
0:26:58 > 0:27:01You can't choose your parents.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02I tell you what,
0:27:02 > 0:27:05the catering's good in my house when you have a party.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Yeah, but there's lots of hair in it.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12I bet you have to unblock your shower more than me.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14At least I've got one.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17This is a proper northern battle of wits.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20"Chunky chips? At least I've got a shower."
0:27:20 > 0:27:22LAUGHTER
0:27:23 > 0:27:27So, I can't put your mother in, Ruby.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29- She sounds lovely... - No, she is lovely.
0:27:29 > 0:27:30..in a slightly mad kind of way.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33And, um, children's parties, they're an expensive business,
0:27:33 > 0:27:36but I don't think there's any getting round it, really.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37They must celebrate.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39But I find my little one is fascinating.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Other people's kids, not so fascinating.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43It's like haemorrhoids.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45LAUGHTER
0:27:45 > 0:27:48But, wigs, I don't understand it.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51They're all right for fun, but people who suddenly turn up in a wig
0:27:51 > 0:27:54when you know they're bald underneath, it doesn't make any sense.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57So I am going to put wigs into Room 101.
0:27:57 > 0:27:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:09 > 0:28:13OK, that brings us to the end of the show, and Dave,
0:28:13 > 0:28:16you were the most persuasive guest, so you are this week's winner.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21APPLAUSE
0:28:24 > 0:28:28Thanks very much, Lee Mack, Dave Myers and Ruby Wax,
0:28:28 > 0:28:30and thank you, good night.