0:00:26 > 0:00:30APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:36 > 0:00:39the show where three guests compete to condemn their deepest dislikes
0:00:39 > 0:00:42to the dreaded room. Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46Joining me tonight are style guru, Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49actor, Charles Dance and comedian Andi Osho.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Right, then. Let's have our first category.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03People. OK.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06So, what kind of people wind up Andi Osho?
0:01:10 > 0:01:14People who make up the rules in Monopoly.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16LAUGHTER
0:01:16 > 0:01:19It's a big problem. It's a growing problem, Frank.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23- Is it?- Yes, because, right, here's the thing, right.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Monopoly is like a really big deal in our house.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28We play every year, like, er, Boxing Day
0:01:28 > 0:01:30and Christmas Day we play.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33We've got trophies. We've got trophies.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36- We've got ENGRAVED trophies, mind you.- Wow.- Yeah.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40So, like, you know, we play by the rules, but some people just...
0:01:40 > 0:01:42they think they can just make them up.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Like there's one that people do where, like, your taxes,
0:01:45 > 0:01:48like, that you're supposed to pay as you go round the board or whatever,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51they say, "Oh, no, don't put them into the bank.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52"Put them on free parking,
0:01:52 > 0:01:55so the next person that lands on free parking gets the money".
0:01:55 > 0:02:00That's the sort of thinking that got Greece up Poo-poo Creek, innit?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02But surely making up your own rules,
0:02:02 > 0:02:07as we found out in recent years, is what high finance is all about.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Yeah, and that's why we're, like, having so many problems.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Like chess, the rules are just the rules.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Like you can't play chess with someone
0:02:15 > 0:02:17and then suddenly they put their pawn on top of the rook
0:02:17 > 0:02:19and give him a gun and they can shoot all your pieces.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21"Oh, no, these are the new rules of chess."
0:02:21 > 0:02:25I always think if everybody in the room agrees, then it's fine.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29- Yeah, but that's the problem. It's when...- I've used that line before.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Fair enough if you all agree on the rules,
0:02:31 > 0:02:35but the problem is when two households come together
0:02:35 > 0:02:37to play Monopoly and they've got different rules.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- We're getting there. - We've got some rules
0:02:40 > 0:02:42that I don't think are strictly in the Monopoly rule book.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Do they involve taking off clothes?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- It's with my family, Laurence. - Oh, OK.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51We've got some famous people playing Monopoly pictures,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54which I find interesting. It's such a cool game. Look at this.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Here's George Harrison...
0:02:56 > 0:03:02who's been playing it so long his hip has sunk into the floor.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05And here's my favourite, Queen playing Monopoly.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08And, look, Brian May has brought his brother!
0:03:08 > 0:03:11LAUGHTER
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- So, it's a cool game, isn't it? - It's a very cool game.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Do you guys play it?
0:03:16 > 0:03:20When I was an art student, we, erm, we used to play Monopoly
0:03:20 > 0:03:24on Sunday afternoons in this flat that rather resembled
0:03:24 > 0:03:28the set of the Young Ones, actually, it was DISGUSTING, in Leicester.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32And our landlord lived in the basement of the house,
0:03:32 > 0:03:36and we used to invite him up to play on Sunday afternoons,
0:03:36 > 0:03:40and he used to hang onto his Monopoly money when he was...
0:03:40 > 0:03:43in lieu of the rent that we owed him!
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Why is only one company allowed to make Monopoly?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53That's what worries me about Monopoly in general.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Is the capitalist kind of...
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Yeah, whereas people who make up their own rules suggest
0:03:57 > 0:04:00that in the midst of it all, there's still some individuality.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Yeah.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05OK. Let's see what Laurence doesn't like about people.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Gosh, look at that.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14LAUGHTER
0:04:14 > 0:04:18People that WEAR Hawaiian shirts.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21It is the sort of person that feels that wearing a Hawaiian shirt
0:04:21 > 0:04:25denotes that they can step outside responsibility, you know?
0:04:25 > 0:04:29It's, "I'm on holiday the whole time. I don't need to bother.
0:04:29 > 0:04:34"I'm going to wear something that is retina-punishingly colourful."
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Let's have a look at an example of a celebrity in a Hawaiian shirt.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42- There you go. - Well, there we are.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45They're like a holiday with sleeves.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Is it the floral, garish...
0:04:47 > 0:04:51No, no, no, because I can see where you're going with that one. Oh, no.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54In fact, I'd say they weren't floral enough, Frank.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- I'll show you floral, if you want. - OK, go on, show me floral.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01There we are.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04APPLAUSE
0:05:04 > 0:05:06See, the great thing about the Hawaiian shirt,
0:05:06 > 0:05:08when I was in Hawaii, wearing one,
0:05:08 > 0:05:11you can use them like those plastic meals in Japanese restaurants.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- If you can't speak Japanese, you point at the meal?- Yeah.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18So, you can stop a cab, point at a girl in a grass skirt,
0:05:18 > 0:05:22a tree and a ukulele, and he'll just take you to the right place.
0:05:22 > 0:05:27It's absolutely perfect. Are you familiar with this?
0:05:27 > 0:05:31- No.- This is a greeting in Hawaii.
0:05:31 > 0:05:37At the end of Elvis: Aloha in Hawaii, he does that to the crowd,
0:05:37 > 0:05:43and it means friendship, compassion, understanding and solidarity.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45- Just from that? - Isn't that incredible?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47And the British version?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Nice one.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52OK. You argue well.
0:05:52 > 0:05:57So, what person doesn't Charles Dance like?
0:06:00 > 0:06:03AUDIENCE BOOS
0:06:03 > 0:06:06APPLAUSE
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- This is the Chancellor of the Exchequer.- Yes.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Mr George Osborne.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19And, if Room 101 was bigger, I'd like him
0:06:19 > 0:06:22and all his friends in the current government
0:06:22 > 0:06:24to go into it as well.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27APPLAUSE
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Are you including the Liberal Democrats in this?
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Might as well.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I mean, if we put him in Room 101 there'll still be someone in there
0:06:36 > 0:06:40- he knows who'll get him a good table.- Yes, absolutely. Yes.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Do you know, there's a Facebook page,
0:06:42 > 0:06:45- which is the George Osborne Appreciation Society?- Oh, really?
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Yeah, let's have a look at that.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50LAUGHTER
0:06:50 > 0:06:52One like.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56- He was on the Andrew Marr Show. - Oh, yeah.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58And, er, Keane were on.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- Are you familiar with the band, Keane?- Yeah.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Well, I think it's a very interesting example, this,
0:07:03 > 0:07:05of politicians on television.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Keane are playing. It's the end of the show.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Keane are playing, and the guests are still in their seats.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13So, keep an eye on George.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14There's Keane.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18Now, this is the politician when he doesn't know he's on camera.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25"What on earth...?"
0:07:25 > 0:07:30And then, eventually, he realises that he IS on camera.
0:07:30 > 0:07:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:39 > 0:07:43Get on down, eh? Oh.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46You sort of feel sorry for him in his hopelessness in that case,
0:07:46 > 0:07:50- don't you?- No, I don't feel at ALL sorry for him.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52To be fair, I think the thing is, you know, surely,
0:07:52 > 0:07:55there's never going to be a Chancellor that you'll like.
0:07:55 > 0:08:00I mean, that's...the job is always to be the panto villain.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02He's basically King Banker, isn't he?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04That's a euphemism.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08Cockney rhyming slang, I think, actually, Charles.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11But you particularly don't like this one?
0:08:11 > 0:08:16I really can't dislike this man more than I do.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20In his defence, erm...
0:08:20 > 0:08:23LAUGHTER
0:08:23 > 0:08:28He doesn't seem to really appeal to the young people, either.
0:08:28 > 0:08:33LAUGHTER
0:08:33 > 0:08:35OK, so we come to the end of that round.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39I have to now... I have to carefully weigh your arguments
0:08:39 > 0:08:42and decide who defended their case the best
0:08:42 > 0:08:44and think it through and try and be fair.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47So, I'm going to put George Osborne into Room 101.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50CHEERING
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Thank you.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Let's have our next category.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09OK, it's the Wildcard round, so now there are no restrictions.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12You can just pick anything at all that you don't like.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16So, what is Laurence's wildcard?
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Wow.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25The pasty. The pasty is something
0:09:25 > 0:09:28that I really do feel quite strongly about.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Why the pasty?
0:09:29 > 0:09:34Because pasties, I think, not only look rather ugly,
0:09:34 > 0:09:38they have the capacity to fill a train carriage
0:09:38 > 0:09:42with the most unpleasant miasma
0:09:42 > 0:09:47of kind of post-teen, cross-country run gym,
0:09:47 > 0:09:50which is just so revolting.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Could I just say, I was brought up in the West Country,
0:09:52 > 0:09:56and the pasty is very dear to my heart,
0:09:56 > 0:10:00and you obviously have never had a really, really good pasty.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04You've been among some very strange people.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08I'm not... I'm not...you know, I'm not down on, er, you know,
0:10:08 > 0:10:11on sort of good, straightforward, salt of the earth food.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14I think pork pies are absolutely wonderful.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Actually, I have to say, I rather like a doner kebab.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21But the pasty is like eating a middle-aged lady's handbag.
0:10:21 > 0:10:26It's just a source of completely abstract,
0:10:26 > 0:10:30gristly objects, that defy any kind of proper explanation.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32I don't want to say you're being a bit snobby,
0:10:32 > 0:10:34but you're being a bit snobby.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38What about this? This is one for the romantics.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- It's the double pasty.- Oh, God.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43And what you do is that you...
0:10:43 > 0:10:46I eat it from this angle,
0:10:46 > 0:10:50and then my loved one eats it from that side.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54What, over your shoulder?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- No, she...she's... Imagine we're having a slow dance.- OK.
0:10:57 > 0:11:02I'm eating the pasty from here, and she's eating it from that side.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Oh, that would be like that scene from Lady and the Tramp!
0:11:05 > 0:11:07It would be lovely!
0:11:07 > 0:11:12I recycle the crusts in all sorts of ways.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14For example...
0:11:14 > 0:11:16LAUGHTER
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Waste not want not. I think they're lovely,
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- and I'm not just saying that to take the other side of the argument.- Mmm.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26It's one of my favourite foods, because it's healthy.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30It's got vegetables, but then it's in the fun housing of a pie.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Yeah.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34To be fair, I think the vegetables are incredibly well disguised.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- But that's how I like my vegetables. - As is everything in them.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- Can I just say, I'm a big fan of your lovely products.- Oh.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42I was looking at your pastry forks.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44You could eat a pasty with one of these, could you not?
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- I suggest you do.- Can you imagine getting one of these out
0:11:47 > 0:11:51- on the high street and eating a pasty?- I don't need to imagine it!
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Isn't that lovely?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55That's Laurence in the middle there.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57LAUGHTER
0:11:57 > 0:12:01OK, then. What's Andi's wildcard?
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Yes. OK.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12LAUGHTER
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Pebble beaches.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16I love pebble beaches. What is it?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19You can't do ANY of the stuff that you do at a sand beach.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Have you ever tried burying someone at a pebble beach?
0:12:23 > 0:12:27It is NOT the same. You can't build a castle.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30You can't lie on a pebble beach.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34It's like being punched in the back by the Earth.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36A pebble beach is NOT a beach.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40I go to Brighton quite a lot. There's a pebble beach.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43- That's not a beach!- It is! Of course it is!
0:12:43 > 0:12:46People eat ice cream on it. Can you get this?
0:12:46 > 0:12:48And this is official.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51The Crown Estate, that is basically the Royal Family,
0:12:51 > 0:12:55are the majority landholders of the sea bed.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59I don't know how far out they own it, but, yet, officially
0:12:59 > 0:13:02I should get the permission of the Royal Family
0:13:02 > 0:13:05to take a pebble home from Brighton.
0:13:05 > 0:13:10So, does that mean, like, if, when people have a wee in the sea
0:13:10 > 0:13:15that they're weeing, like, on the Queen's land?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Worse than that, they're relieving themselves on the Queen's bed.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20LAUGHTER
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Right, what he said.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Yeah.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29You can do loads of stuff that you can't do on a sand beach.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31You can't take a romantic walk on it.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32It HURTS walking across pebbles.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35But you're not wearing the right footwear.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37What, like boots or something, like steel-cap boots?
0:13:37 > 0:13:41I'll show you what I wear when I'm in Brighton, on the pebble beach.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45People don't even know I'm wearing shoes.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48LAUGHTER
0:13:48 > 0:13:51See, it's got a hard bottom.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53This is brilliant.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Yeah, it's lovely. I'm sitting out like this on the beach.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02So, you have to basically look like a hobbit to survive on pebble beaches?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Well, that's one way. I'm not saying it's the only way.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I tell you what, one example, I'll say, where you win,
0:14:07 > 0:14:11is the egg timer.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13LAUGHTER
0:14:15 > 0:14:17All right, you've got that.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20You might win on the egg timer thing.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23The only good thing you can do at a pebble beach
0:14:23 > 0:14:25is you can skim stones,
0:14:25 > 0:14:28which is people just trying to throw the stones back in the water
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- and trying to find sand. - Do you skim?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- I taught myself to skim. - Taught yourself?
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- Yeah.- Not many people go on a course!
0:14:37 > 0:14:40LAUGHTER
0:14:40 > 0:14:44Yeah, I had a skimming tutor who used to come with me.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Here's someone who likes sand even more than you do.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Kelly Marie-Pierce got pregnant,
0:14:50 > 0:14:54was watching her mother-in-law, changing sand in her parrot's cage,
0:14:54 > 0:14:56and she said, "I kept getting this weird taste in my mouth.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58"I knew I was craving for something
0:14:58 > 0:15:00"but I couldn't put my finger on it, and when I saw her
0:15:00 > 0:15:03"change the parrot's cage, I thought, I could just eat that."
0:15:03 > 0:15:04Sand.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07"I was getting through bowls and bowls of sand a day.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11"I wasn't eating anything else but sand and sponges".
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Here's a picture of Kelly Marie-Pierce.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18When she said sponges, I thought she meant natural sponges from the sea.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21No, she meant scouring pads.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23That's what happens to people who like sand,
0:15:23 > 0:15:27whereas you're not going to tuck into that, are you?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34LAUGHTER
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Oh, it's actually all right.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Is it all right? Well, maybe I take it all back then.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41It's chocolate.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44If there are any children watching at home,
0:15:44 > 0:15:48not ALL pebbles contain chocolate.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51You have to just keep trying them.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54No, don't.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58APPLAUSE
0:15:58 > 0:16:01OK. What's Charles' wildcard?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08MUTED LAUGHTER
0:16:08 > 0:16:11National Health doctors' receptionists.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13APPLAUSE
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- Thank you.- Oh!
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Maybe not all of them, but most of them.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23And they seem to assume that they are the gatekeepers
0:16:23 > 0:16:26of the National Health Service.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28A lot of them have this infuriating habit,
0:16:28 > 0:16:31if you call and you want an appointment with your doctor,
0:16:31 > 0:16:34which, of course you can't get when you need it, you know,
0:16:34 > 0:16:37there's an appointment on Tuesday and you're ringing on Wednesday,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40and you think, "Well, I might not be ill on Tuesday", you know.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43And then they say, "What is it about?"
0:16:43 > 0:16:46You think, "Well, it's none of your bloody business!
0:16:46 > 0:16:48"I'll tell the doctor what it's about."
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- I mean, to be fair to them... - Yes.
0:16:50 > 0:16:55I think that they probably need to tell the doctor in advance
0:16:55 > 0:17:00what he's going to be treating you for so that he can Google it.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:07 > 0:17:09I mean, I feel a bit sorry for them.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12They must deal with some awkward customers.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15- Not you, Charles, obviously.- No.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19I imagine you turning up and saying, "Fetch me an apothecary."
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Also, correct me if I'm wrong, is one of the reasons
0:17:25 > 0:17:29you don't want to tell them what's wrong, because you're Charles Dance
0:17:29 > 0:17:32and you don't want them gossiping about what it is?
0:17:32 > 0:17:33No.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Charles Dance sounds like a fake name anyway, so...
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Not that it's not a nice name, but it does sound like
0:17:39 > 0:17:42the sort of name you'd give at an STD clinic or something.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44"Oh, Charles... Dance!"
0:17:44 > 0:17:46It's funny you should say that,
0:17:46 > 0:17:50because that is the name I always give at STD clinics.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Charles' reputation is in tatters thanks to me.
0:17:53 > 0:17:59You always have to have a medical before you do a TV series
0:17:59 > 0:18:01or a film, to make sure you're OK to get through it.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04I had one recently and the man said,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07"Can you drop your trousers and pants, please?"
0:18:07 > 0:18:11And he sort of wedged his hand,
0:18:11 > 0:18:14wedged it, like...
0:18:14 > 0:18:20you know like when you're trying to get one more book on the bookcase?
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Wedged his hand like that.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26I don't know what he was testing.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28He didn't ask me to cough.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30He just stood like that, and he looked at me
0:18:30 > 0:18:35and I looked at him, and there was a terrible silence.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39I had a sense that the real doctor was in a cupboard, going...
0:18:39 > 0:18:44LAUGHTER
0:18:46 > 0:18:48So, we come to the end of that round.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51You all argued very well.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54The thing is, Andi, I've got such a romantic attachment
0:18:54 > 0:18:58- to pebble beaches, and I don't like sand very much.- Not beaches.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02And pasties I really like as well.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06I'm afraid, because I spend so much time on pebble beaches
0:19:06 > 0:19:10eating pasties, I'm going to have to put NHS receptionists into Room 101.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12GASPS
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Controversial!
0:19:15 > 0:19:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:21 > 0:19:23OK. Next category, please.
0:19:28 > 0:19:33Modern life. So, what doesn't Andi like about modern life?
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Internet dating.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Well, you'd be glad to get a handsome young fellow like that,
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- wouldn't you? - If only that was what you got.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47APPLAUSE
0:19:47 > 0:19:51- If only.- Oh, God, that's the applause of experience, there!
0:19:51 > 0:19:53This is what you get.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56LAUGHTER
0:19:56 > 0:20:00You want to download that, but that's what ends up in your inbox.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05I see. Have you dabbled in online dating?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08I have dabbled, Frank, in the past.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11The thing with it is, is, like, some of the things
0:20:11 > 0:20:14that people write on their profiles, like you have to wade through
0:20:14 > 0:20:17a lot of rubbish to get to the actual truth of what people mean.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Like, they write, "I love nights in, but I also love nights out".
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Like, that's just what people do.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25You know, "I love breathing in, but I also love breathing out".
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Whoa, crazy!
0:20:27 > 0:20:32A friend, who worked in Birmingham, he worked at a dating place,
0:20:32 > 0:20:37and he said the most commonly ticked box was,
0:20:37 > 0:20:38"What kind of person do you want?"
0:20:38 > 0:20:42"Must not live more than five miles from my house."
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- "Will NOT travel."- Yeah.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47I mean that is...that's like, "Yes, she is my soul mate,
0:20:47 > 0:20:49"but I'm not getting two buses".
0:20:49 > 0:20:51LAUGHTER
0:20:51 > 0:20:55You can waste a lot of time on, you know, dating the normal way,
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- can't you?- Well, I mean I like the idea
0:20:58 > 0:21:03- of just randomly meeting somebody. - What you need is jury service.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05LAUGHTER
0:21:05 > 0:21:10- You don't mean the person on trial? - No.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14- Oh, right. You mean, like, the other 11...- I meant my fellow jurors.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Oh, those guys.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Because if you started the relationship
0:21:18 > 0:21:21you might be very tempted to say they're not guilty.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23But what if they look like this guy?
0:21:23 > 0:21:26I didn't realise that's how touchscreens worked.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Maybe what doesn't help is that the dating websites,
0:21:32 > 0:21:35the questions that they ask don't really help you to really get...
0:21:35 > 0:21:37because they're, like, really generic, like, you know,
0:21:37 > 0:21:39"What books do you like? What films do you like?"
0:21:39 > 0:21:42If they start to get specific, then you might, you know,
0:21:42 > 0:21:44get to know someone how you would want to get to know them
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- if you met them, like, in the flesh world.- Mmm.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Like, erm, "What's wrong with you?"
0:21:49 > 0:21:53I'm on there too, so I know that, you know,
0:21:53 > 0:21:55I'm included in that, but I KNOW what's wrong with me.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59They'll find that out when we move in together.
0:21:59 > 0:22:04Well, I looked at... This is advice from a man called Craig Wax.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Right.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10The senior vice president at Match.com and he says,
0:22:10 > 0:22:13"Come up with a name that gives an indication
0:22:13 > 0:22:15"of what you're all about," and this is what Craig says.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19"So, for instance, if you like to ski and you like to cook,
0:22:19 > 0:22:23"your username could be Skiing Chef.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27"Right off the bat, you get a sense of what this person is all about."
0:22:27 > 0:22:29LAUGHTER
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Looking back, I don't know
0:22:32 > 0:22:34if I should have gone for Irritable Catholic.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38LAUGHTER
0:22:38 > 0:22:43Right, what doesn't Charles like about modern life?
0:22:49 > 0:22:54Automated reply things, generally, but one in particular.
0:22:54 > 0:23:01Camden Council's automated paper service for parking fines.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03OK.
0:23:03 > 0:23:09You know, somebody has to do it, but this particular voice is, um,
0:23:09 > 0:23:12just the least suitable.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Well, I tell you what, let's listen to it.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18- You do that.- This is the automated voice at Camden Council
0:23:18 > 0:23:19if you phone up to pay your parking fines.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21PHONE RINGS
0:23:21 > 0:23:24'Welcome to the London Borough of Camden's
0:23:24 > 0:23:27'automated telephone payment service.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31'Enter 1 for a traffic or parking penalty,
0:23:31 > 0:23:34'2 for other fixed penalties,
0:23:34 > 0:23:36'3 for council tax,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39'4 for housing rents,
0:23:39 > 0:23:42'5 for business rates or bib levies.'
0:23:42 > 0:23:45- Yeah...- 'If you want to speak to an operator,
0:23:45 > 0:23:48'then press the star key on your telephone keypad now.'
0:23:48 > 0:23:52- OK...- 'Please enter your...' DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:23:52 > 0:23:57Whoa. So, I mean, it goes on a bit.
0:23:57 > 0:24:02Yeah. There are no notes, I mean, no intonation at all. It's...
0:24:02 > 0:24:04You're a tough audience though, Charles.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07"Welcome to Camden Council automated parking service.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09"If your account begins with a CU, please..." You think, "What?"
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- How would you do it?- You know, if you're going to get somebody
0:24:12 > 0:24:15to do a voiceover for something, you know,
0:24:15 > 0:24:17I mean find an out-of-work actor or, you know, Laurence is really...
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Absolutely.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Do you know the weird thing about that Camden thing,
0:24:22 > 0:24:25is the dude is not from Camden. Like, he's quite northern, isn't he?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27He sounds quite sort of Coronation Street camp.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31He's like, "Oh, hello, thanks for calling Camden Council."
0:24:31 > 0:24:32Like, if you're calling Camden,
0:24:32 > 0:24:34you want someone to sound like they're from Camden.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37You want to ring up and have them go,
0:24:37 > 0:24:40"All right, skunk weed, skunk weed, you want to buy some skunk?"
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Right, what doesn't Laurence like about the modern world?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Beige.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Beige in all its gory,
0:24:55 > 0:25:00in all its understated, delusional blandure,
0:25:00 > 0:25:04and beige is very much attached to this idea
0:25:04 > 0:25:07that you can't go wrong with beige, which is sort of true,
0:25:07 > 0:25:09but then you can't go right with beige, either.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12You can't do sexy with beige. You can't do exciting with beige.
0:25:12 > 0:25:17But let me tell you all now - you cannot trust beige,
0:25:17 > 0:25:19because it is basically just colour,
0:25:19 > 0:25:21but just with the volume turned down.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25We should now be embracing the full rainbow
0:25:25 > 0:25:27that we have at our fingertips.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Inevitably, we did a survey a couple of years ago,
0:25:30 > 0:25:34which was based on how the colour that you chose to have
0:25:34 > 0:25:38in your bedroom affected your, er, romantic life.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40And guess where beige came?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Absolutely at the very, very bottom.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Who's got a beige bedroom?
0:25:45 > 0:25:48No-one is going to admit to it.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Oh, dear, Frank.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53It doesn't make much difference when you're wearing a gimp mask.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55No, exactly.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58We found a Laurence beige footstool.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01This is Woolworth's online you can get this.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- Did it actually say beige? - That is beige.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Did it say beige? No.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10But you can't make it not beige by calling it something else!
0:26:10 > 0:26:14Listen, you can. It is not beige. That is sable.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Look it up!
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Look at this. This is one of your cushions.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- That's beige. You've got to call that beige.- That's not beige!
0:26:22 > 0:26:27That's classic hearing aid beige.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30I think you'd like this one.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37What about...? This is...this is beige.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40This is one of your headboards.
0:26:40 > 0:26:45- Again, that is sable. - That is beige!
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Laurence, you have a lot of beige stuff.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49I have a lot of sable stuff.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52I tell you what, if you squint a bit,
0:26:52 > 0:26:58that looks like Darth Vader standing in front of the Taj Mahal.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02One thing that does get quite a lot of stick is beige food.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04You know they say that you should eat a rainbow?
0:27:04 > 0:27:09- Well, this is it. - I have quite a lot of Smarties.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11That is how you judge an unhealthy diet,
0:27:11 > 0:27:13is to say he eats too much beige food.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- Like pasties.- Like pasties.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19- They're quite beige. - I'd say they were sable.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22I'll give you that one!
0:27:22 > 0:27:25APPLAUSE
0:27:25 > 0:27:28I have to say, you all argued very well.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31I don't feel I can put online dating in,
0:27:31 > 0:27:34because I think there's lonely people who are brought together,
0:27:34 > 0:27:38- and it's a place...in the modern world...- Fine.
0:27:38 > 0:27:43As for Camden Council, I quite like getting an automated voice.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45It makes me feel like I'm living in the 21st century,
0:27:45 > 0:27:48like I'm talking to a crazy robot.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52You know, I was pro-beige until you started,
0:27:52 > 0:27:57but you've completely won me over with your crazy style guru ways.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01- Hey!- So I am going to put beige into Room 101.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Thank you very much!
0:28:03 > 0:28:07Goodbye! Goodbye!
0:28:12 > 0:28:14And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18Well done, Charles, you were tonight's most persuasive guest,
0:28:18 > 0:28:23- so you're this week's winner. - Bravo, bravo.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29So, thank you very much to Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen,
0:28:29 > 0:28:33to Charles Dance, to Andi Osho, and thank you, goodnight.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd