Episode 3

Download Subtitles

Transcript

0:00:27 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:00:32 > 0:00:35Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

0:00:35 > 0:00:39the show where three guests compete to have their biggest bugbears

0:00:39 > 0:00:41banished forever to the dreaded vault.

0:00:41 > 0:00:44Our guests' choices have been sorted into categories,

0:00:44 > 0:00:46and in each round only one item can be chosen.

0:00:46 > 0:00:50The final decision is mine. Let's meet this week's guests.

0:00:50 > 0:00:52Joining me tonight are comedian Katherine Ryan,

0:00:52 > 0:00:53broadcaster Fiona Bruce,

0:00:53 > 0:00:55and woodsman Ray Mears.

0:00:55 > 0:00:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:00:59 > 0:01:01Right, let's have our first category.

0:01:06 > 0:01:08OK, it's Modern Life.

0:01:08 > 0:01:11What doesn't Fiona like about Modern Life?

0:01:16 > 0:01:21I don't like parties where nobody dances.

0:01:21 > 0:01:24- APPLAUSE - Ah, there we are!

0:01:26 > 0:01:31Can I say, only women, only women applauded there.

0:01:31 > 0:01:32Lads going...

0:01:33 > 0:01:35So you're a dancer, then?

0:01:35 > 0:01:38Well, the thing is, parties where nobody dances are boring.

0:01:38 > 0:01:39There's nothing worse, I think.

0:01:39 > 0:01:43You get invited round, people start having a few drinks,

0:01:43 > 0:01:47there's great music, and people just sort of stay put.

0:01:47 > 0:01:50For me, if people come round to our house and we have dinner,

0:01:50 > 0:01:53or we just have drinks or whatever, if it doesn't end with a bit of...

0:01:53 > 0:01:56bit of dancing, even if it's just dancing in the kitchen,

0:01:56 > 0:01:57it's not a success.

0:01:57 > 0:02:00- You'll dance in your own house?! - Yes!

0:02:01 > 0:02:04- That's...that's insanity, Fiona.- No!

0:02:06 > 0:02:09- Really?- Yes, I do!

0:02:09 > 0:02:10I blame Children in Need.

0:02:12 > 0:02:14I just think it's fun.

0:02:14 > 0:02:17And look, everyone, you know...

0:02:17 > 0:02:18What do we think?

0:02:18 > 0:02:20- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Yeah.

0:02:20 > 0:02:23- There we are.- D'you ever dance when you're reading the news?

0:02:23 > 0:02:26I've not done that. I've not managed to pull that one off.

0:02:26 > 0:02:27D'you know, if I do dance,

0:02:27 > 0:02:30I've learned something from my hero, Beyonce. I'll show it to you now.

0:02:30 > 0:02:32- Oh.- I'm going to lose my microphone.

0:02:32 > 0:02:34OK, so she dances all in the hips, and as a mother this will be

0:02:34 > 0:02:37quite easy for you because you get very powerful hips.

0:02:37 > 0:02:40And you'll notice it's my favourite kind of dancing

0:02:40 > 0:02:43cos this bit remains still to have a conversation.

0:02:43 > 0:02:46You just go... And like this...

0:02:46 > 0:02:48LAUGHTER

0:02:48 > 0:02:50And you could just be having a lovely chat.

0:02:50 > 0:02:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:02:55 > 0:02:59It's a very...it's a very safe way to multitask.

0:03:03 > 0:03:05I must say, it's won me over.

0:03:06 > 0:03:08I rest my case.

0:03:08 > 0:03:11I'm not sure I can compartmentalise my body like that, though.

0:03:11 > 0:03:12You absolutely can.

0:03:12 > 0:03:15I think if my legs start going, everything else is going to join in.

0:03:15 > 0:03:18- Give it a go. Let's see. - How do you know?- I bet you could.

0:03:18 > 0:03:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:03:23 > 0:03:25So the idea is I just...

0:03:25 > 0:03:28- I imagine from here up I'm completely still.- Completely still.

0:03:28 > 0:03:30And then everything happens down...

0:03:30 > 0:03:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:03:39 > 0:03:42- That's very good.- Yeah. I'm not... I'm not sure about that.

0:03:43 > 0:03:45I don't think that looked like a dance.

0:03:45 > 0:03:47It looked like there was a queue for the toilet.

0:03:49 > 0:03:50Do you believe the view that

0:03:50 > 0:03:54true freedom is to dance like there's no-one watching?

0:03:56 > 0:03:58I think there's probably other things

0:03:58 > 0:04:00that I'd say are true freedom,

0:04:00 > 0:04:02- but it is liberating, definitely.- Yes.

0:04:02 > 0:04:04I'm not able to dance like there's no-one watching.

0:04:04 > 0:04:07I'm a Roman Catholic. For me there's always someone watching.

0:04:07 > 0:04:09LAUGHTER

0:04:12 > 0:04:14Like Him, I move in mysterious ways.

0:04:16 > 0:04:19Anyway, what doesn't Ray like about Modern Life?

0:04:24 > 0:04:28- I can't stand fakes of any description.- Mmm.

0:04:28 > 0:04:29CROWD MURMURS

0:04:29 > 0:04:31Ooh, the crowd are not sure.

0:04:32 > 0:04:34You're an authentic man, then, Ray?

0:04:34 > 0:04:36I like reality, and the world seems to be

0:04:36 > 0:04:40increasingly full of make believe, fakery,

0:04:40 > 0:04:42- and I think we should beware.- Wow.

0:04:44 > 0:04:48I'm feeling really trivial now, I just talked about dancing,

0:04:48 > 0:04:50and you're talking about the state of the world!

0:04:50 > 0:04:53Well, let's look at a real, genuine sign in a shop.

0:04:54 > 0:04:57LAUGHTER

0:04:59 > 0:05:00Well, can I put this to you?

0:05:00 > 0:05:04I've had a difficult life in some areas, Ray.

0:05:04 > 0:05:06I now find myself... I will sit at home at night,

0:05:06 > 0:05:11I will drink non-alcoholic wine and smoke an e-cigarette.

0:05:11 > 0:05:12That's what I've come to.

0:05:12 > 0:05:16Are you saying I should be drinking real alcohol and smoking?

0:05:17 > 0:05:19- Yes.- You are. Thank you.

0:05:19 > 0:05:21LAUGHTER

0:05:21 > 0:05:24I think sometimes, Ray,

0:05:24 > 0:05:28the fakes are more entertaining than the real things.

0:05:28 > 0:05:29Let me just show you this.

0:05:31 > 0:05:32Specialman!

0:05:32 > 0:05:34LAUGHTER

0:05:38 > 0:05:39Look familiar?

0:05:41 > 0:05:42This, honestly...

0:05:42 > 0:05:45The New Style Ninja Tortoise.

0:05:49 > 0:05:52These are... I'm saying they're genuine,

0:05:52 > 0:05:54they're genuine fakes is what they are.

0:05:54 > 0:05:57The trouble is, though, with authenticity, it's quite hard.

0:05:57 > 0:06:00- I mean, I was looking at your website...- Oh, dear.

0:06:00 > 0:06:03..which I look at a lot, and I saw a thing on there,

0:06:03 > 0:06:07and it's called the Ray Mears Wood Lore Knife.

0:06:07 > 0:06:09- Oh. Yeah. - Here's the knife.

0:06:09 > 0:06:12It's a lovely looking thing, nice case and all that,

0:06:12 > 0:06:14and only 485 quid.

0:06:15 > 0:06:16WOMAN IN CROWD GASPS

0:06:16 > 0:06:18LAUGHTER

0:06:18 > 0:06:21Could someone help that woman off the floor?

0:06:21 > 0:06:26The last time I looked it said there was a ten-year waiting list.

0:06:26 > 0:06:31Now, I'm sure the wood lore knife is an authentic, handmade,

0:06:31 > 0:06:33fabulous piece of equipment,

0:06:33 > 0:06:37but I'd rather have a rubbishy old knife than wait ten years.

0:06:38 > 0:06:41I mean, I wouldn't say you're reducing knife crime,

0:06:41 > 0:06:43but you're slowing it down.

0:06:44 > 0:06:46We do our best.

0:06:46 > 0:06:50I think possibly the truth is that people can't afford the real things,

0:06:50 > 0:06:53and they can afford the fakes, so they go for the fakes.

0:06:53 > 0:06:55I mean, we tried to get Bear Grylls. 10 grand.

0:06:55 > 0:06:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:06:58 > 0:07:00Aww!

0:07:03 > 0:07:05I didn't mean it, Ray.

0:07:05 > 0:07:07Ray is going to kill me now.

0:07:07 > 0:07:09Luckily I've got ten years.

0:07:12 > 0:07:15What does Katherine hate about Modern Life?

0:07:19 > 0:07:22- Not babies.- Oh, good. Phew.

0:07:22 > 0:07:24I hate nappies.

0:07:24 > 0:07:28- Ah!- I think the nappies have become too absorbent, too comfortable.

0:07:28 > 0:07:30We're getting lazy potty training our children,

0:07:30 > 0:07:33and we should do away with them entirely.

0:07:33 > 0:07:34APPLAUSE

0:07:34 > 0:07:35What?!

0:07:36 > 0:07:40We train small children to go in their pants.

0:07:40 > 0:07:42That's what we do when you put a nappy on a child

0:07:42 > 0:07:44who understands you, and then all of a sudden we change it

0:07:44 > 0:07:47when they're about, I don't know, 18 months, two years old,

0:07:47 > 0:07:49and we go, "Guess what? Now you go in the potty".

0:07:49 > 0:07:51The child at that age can go,

0:07:51 > 0:07:55"Well, hang on, I've got a pretty good system. I don't think so."

0:07:55 > 0:07:58Right? I had my child potty trained at ten months.

0:07:58 > 0:08:00- What?- We can all do this, I promise you.

0:08:00 > 0:08:03You can each e-mail me. I'll teach you how.

0:08:03 > 0:08:08- But obviously there's a practical question I have to ask here.- Mm-hm.

0:08:09 > 0:08:14If your child isn't wearing a nappy when it's that young,

0:08:14 > 0:08:17what happens when it is ready to release?

0:08:19 > 0:08:21- It will tell you.- Really?

0:08:21 > 0:08:24You start to put them on the potty when they make that, like, poo face.

0:08:24 > 0:08:27What is the poo face?

0:08:27 > 0:08:28Um, they kind of look like...

0:08:30 > 0:08:34- Really?- Yeah.- I don't know.

0:08:34 > 0:08:36I think the poo face is a bit hit-and-miss.

0:08:36 > 0:08:38That's not double rhyming slang.

0:08:38 > 0:08:40LAUGHTER

0:08:44 > 0:08:47Nappies should be available only by prescription.

0:08:49 > 0:08:52I think it needs to start from the top down.

0:08:52 > 0:08:53Just ban it.

0:08:53 > 0:08:56"Oh, Facebook, my two-year-old has done a wee in the potty!"

0:08:56 > 0:08:58Well, it's about time!

0:08:58 > 0:09:00LAUGHTER

0:09:02 > 0:09:04Oh, my God. I'm quite scared.

0:09:06 > 0:09:09- Are you familiar with the iPotty? - No, sir.

0:09:09 > 0:09:11You'll like this, I think.

0:09:11 > 0:09:14- This is commercially available.- Oh.

0:09:14 > 0:09:16And it is a...

0:09:16 > 0:09:19It's a potty with a tablet here,

0:09:19 > 0:09:24so your child can play computer games and stuff as they use the...

0:09:24 > 0:09:27- That's not real. - That is genuine. You can buy that.

0:09:27 > 0:09:30See, this is where it's going. This is where we are.

0:09:30 > 0:09:33But we read on the toilet. Why shouldn't they?

0:09:33 > 0:09:35- No, I don't. - You don't read on the toilet?

0:09:35 > 0:09:37You need more fibre immediately.

0:09:37 > 0:09:39LAUGHTER

0:09:40 > 0:09:42I'm really worried.

0:09:42 > 0:09:45You should not have time to do anything on the toilet.

0:09:45 > 0:09:48Oh, I'll linger. Sometimes I'll wait there till the next one.

0:09:52 > 0:09:54- You know...- No!

0:09:54 > 0:09:57I mean, if it's a real page-turner.

0:10:00 > 0:10:04Well, it's an extremely interesting thing.

0:10:04 > 0:10:07Also, I really like changing nappies.

0:10:07 > 0:10:09All right.

0:10:09 > 0:10:13I do. I love really getting it spotlessly clean down there.

0:10:13 > 0:10:16You know when you're doing your own there's always an element of doubt.

0:10:16 > 0:10:18LAUGHTER

0:10:21 > 0:10:23So, anyway...

0:10:25 > 0:10:28I'm very interested in your theory, Katherine.

0:10:28 > 0:10:30- It's a bit too modern for me... - Oh, well.

0:10:30 > 0:10:32..and a bit too revolutionary.

0:10:32 > 0:10:34And I think dancing is...

0:10:36 > 0:10:38Well, I'm not happy with it.

0:10:38 > 0:10:40It makes me incredibly self-conscious.

0:10:40 > 0:10:43I don't think men should do it at all.

0:10:43 > 0:10:46I think, as much as I love some of those silly fakeries,

0:10:46 > 0:10:48I think you're probably right.

0:10:48 > 0:10:52There is something lovely about the real thing.

0:10:52 > 0:10:55So I'm going to put fakes into Room 101.

0:10:55 > 0:10:57APPLAUSE

0:11:07 > 0:11:08Next category please.

0:11:13 > 0:11:15People.

0:11:15 > 0:11:17OK, so, what kind of people wind up Fiona?

0:11:22 > 0:11:27People who put lots and lots and lots of pillows and cushions

0:11:27 > 0:11:31on their bed in descending order of size.

0:11:31 > 0:11:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:11:37 > 0:11:39Yeah, what is that about?

0:11:39 > 0:11:42What is it about?! I've no idea, cos what are you going to do?

0:11:42 > 0:11:45As soon as you want to go to bed you're just going to go...

0:11:45 > 0:11:47Chuck them all off on the floor

0:11:47 > 0:11:49and then you'll go to bed,

0:11:49 > 0:11:51and then the next morning you get up, and then...

0:11:51 > 0:11:53cos you've got to check they're the right size,

0:11:53 > 0:11:55they're going down in the right size,

0:11:55 > 0:11:58cos if you put a big one then a small one, that doesn't work.

0:11:58 > 0:12:01So they've got to be all specially colour co-ordinated,

0:12:01 > 0:12:04all in the right size, all in the right order.

0:12:05 > 0:12:06Why?

0:12:07 > 0:12:10Can I ask you a personal question?

0:12:10 > 0:12:12When you normally sleep at home,

0:12:12 > 0:12:15how many pillows would you have under your head?

0:12:15 > 0:12:16One.

0:12:16 > 0:12:18Thank God for that.

0:12:18 > 0:12:20I know people that use two pillows.

0:12:20 > 0:12:22Now, here you have a pillow.

0:12:22 > 0:12:26Now, the area we're trying to fill is this area here, is it not?

0:12:26 > 0:12:28You're trying to fill that. So you're lying on your side.

0:12:28 > 0:12:30You don't want your head to lop over

0:12:30 > 0:12:33or you can get splitting at the stretched side of the neck.

0:12:33 > 0:12:35So you have a pillow like that.

0:12:35 > 0:12:38You fill that, and you see that perfectly fills the gap there.

0:12:38 > 0:12:39You see that? One pillow.

0:12:39 > 0:12:42Now, if you move on to two pillows...

0:12:42 > 0:12:45I'm going to demonstrate this with an actual model.

0:12:47 > 0:12:49There's a bed, I'm going to remove the duvet.

0:12:49 > 0:12:52Right? Here is one pillow.

0:12:52 > 0:12:54So you sleep on the one pillow.

0:12:54 > 0:12:58Right? You've filled that gap.

0:12:58 > 0:13:01You take two pillows, suddenly...

0:13:01 > 0:13:03LAUGHTER

0:13:04 > 0:13:07..you're not a person anymore, you're a ramp.

0:13:09 > 0:13:12I mean, I'd be happy to find a use for the pillows, but I...

0:13:12 > 0:13:15The first thing I do is throw them all on the floor

0:13:15 > 0:13:17when I check into a hotel.

0:13:18 > 0:13:20OK, who winds up Katherine?

0:13:26 > 0:13:29Cheryl Fernandez-Versini.

0:13:29 > 0:13:31Mmm. Nee Cole.

0:13:31 > 0:13:34- Nee Tweedy, sir.- Oh, yes.

0:13:34 > 0:13:38Now, this young lady is a very talented dancer, singer,

0:13:38 > 0:13:40- beautiful!- Mm.

0:13:40 > 0:13:41Beautiful!

0:13:41 > 0:13:45Now, I believe... I'm becoming known for my conspiracy theories.

0:13:45 > 0:13:47Luckily this is one of the tamer ones.

0:13:47 > 0:13:49I don't believe she's human.

0:13:49 > 0:13:52LAUGHTER

0:13:52 > 0:13:58Cheryl is a robotic creation of the Conservative government

0:13:58 > 0:14:01meant to infiltrate the British people.

0:14:01 > 0:14:05We don't know what for yet, but just hear me out.

0:14:05 > 0:14:08David Cameron took office in 2010,

0:14:08 > 0:14:10the year Cherbot was activated.

0:14:12 > 0:14:16That is when she was cheated on by footballer Ashley Cole

0:14:16 > 0:14:17and had a divorce.

0:14:17 > 0:14:19That's when she became...

0:14:19 > 0:14:21IMPERSONATES CHERYL "..the nation's sweetheart."

0:14:21 > 0:14:22Isn't it?

0:14:22 > 0:14:26IMPERSONATES CHERYL "Oh, no, no, not Cheryl Cole."

0:14:26 > 0:14:30"Oh, no, you'll become the nation's sweetheart.

0:14:30 > 0:14:32"No, pet, it's all reet now.

0:14:32 > 0:14:34LAUGHTER

0:14:34 > 0:14:37"We'll make you the nation's sweetheart."

0:14:37 > 0:14:39"I can't do a Geordie accent."

0:14:39 > 0:14:41LAUGHTER

0:14:41 > 0:14:44No, but I think I hear a steel band in the distance.

0:14:44 > 0:14:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:14:48 > 0:14:51I don't trust her. Too perfect.

0:14:51 > 0:14:53And I just get this sense of, like, mm...

0:14:53 > 0:14:56Like, even God's thrown everything he can at this thing.

0:14:56 > 0:14:58Malaria. She beat it. Everything!

0:15:01 > 0:15:04- She's not us.- Do you remember she did these L'Oreal adverts,

0:15:04 > 0:15:07and there were these complaints that she was saying,

0:15:07 > 0:15:11"You can have hair like mine", but in fact there was extensions in it,

0:15:11 > 0:15:13and people were upset about it.

0:15:13 > 0:15:14Fake.

0:15:14 > 0:15:16LAUGHTER

0:15:18 > 0:15:21Well, I didn't like the tagline of those L'Oreal commercials.

0:15:21 > 0:15:24"You're worth it. You're worth it."

0:15:24 > 0:15:26That hair dye is £3.

0:15:26 > 0:15:29"You're worth it."

0:15:29 > 0:15:31Hey, I think I'm worth a bit more than £3.

0:15:31 > 0:15:34"No.

0:15:34 > 0:15:35"No, you're not."

0:15:36 > 0:15:39OK. So who winds up Ray?

0:15:46 > 0:15:48Vladimir Putin.

0:15:48 > 0:15:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:15:54 > 0:15:56Why, particularly, Ray?

0:15:56 > 0:15:59Well, it's the hypocrisy, I think.

0:15:59 > 0:16:01That's the thing that really gets me.

0:16:01 > 0:16:04This is a man who writes in the New York Times to President Obama

0:16:04 > 0:16:07telling him not to rattle his sabre in international relations and to be

0:16:07 > 0:16:11more diplomatic, and the next thing sends troops into the Ukraine.

0:16:11 > 0:16:12It's ridiculous.

0:16:12 > 0:16:14He's a very powerful man, quite clearly.

0:16:14 > 0:16:17He's in charge of a very powerful, wonderful country,

0:16:17 > 0:16:20made of amazing people, strong, intelligent people,

0:16:20 > 0:16:25and I think they deserve better than this kind of shenanigan.

0:16:25 > 0:16:27And, erm, he could make a big difference in the world.

0:16:27 > 0:16:30This is a time when we all need to stand together

0:16:30 > 0:16:32and he seems to want to be divided,

0:16:32 > 0:16:35so I'd like to put him in Room 101.

0:16:35 > 0:16:36Wow.

0:16:36 > 0:16:38APPLAUSE

0:16:41 > 0:16:46I must say, I think you've brought a new gravitas to this show.

0:16:46 > 0:16:48I like the new sort of serious image.

0:16:48 > 0:16:51It's like a tribunal, isn't it, you know?

0:16:51 > 0:16:55You're right. Suddenly I feel like I'm doing grown-up television.

0:16:56 > 0:16:59I tell you one thing about him, he looks quite muscular.

0:16:59 > 0:17:03He's actually not as big as you think, Putin.

0:17:03 > 0:17:04Look at this.

0:17:09 > 0:17:11I see him topless on a horse.

0:17:11 > 0:17:15How can someone so anti-gay also be a gay icon? Look at him.

0:17:18 > 0:17:21- We've got a picture of him topless on a horse, actually.- Great.

0:17:23 > 0:17:27That's pretty cool. What British politician could carry that off?

0:17:27 > 0:17:29Oh, that is moob-tastic!

0:17:29 > 0:17:31Could you imagine Ed Miliband topless on a horse?

0:17:32 > 0:17:35Boris, somebody said.

0:17:35 > 0:17:36Think of the horse.

0:17:39 > 0:17:41- I mean, you're quite a macho character.- No!

0:17:41 > 0:17:42You must be able to sympathise with him.

0:17:42 > 0:17:45I think it's fake machismo, that's what I think it is,

0:17:45 > 0:17:46and he's... he's also a judo expert,

0:17:46 > 0:17:49but he seems to have forgotten the principles of judo,

0:17:49 > 0:17:53which is to increase mutual benefit and wellbeing in the world,

0:17:53 > 0:17:56and there's nothing mutual about Russia at the moment.

0:17:56 > 0:18:00So, no, I think he deserves to be in Room 101.

0:18:00 > 0:18:01OK.

0:18:01 > 0:18:03APPLAUSE

0:18:06 > 0:18:10So, I just can't put Cheryl in.

0:18:10 > 0:18:13- I think she is a human being. That's my belief.- Oh, OK.

0:18:13 > 0:18:17She won first prize in the good looks lottery and that has

0:18:17 > 0:18:21jettisoned her above the rest, and I kind of like her for it.

0:18:21 > 0:18:25Putin, I'm sure, has his faults,

0:18:25 > 0:18:28but the shirt off, the judo,

0:18:28 > 0:18:30just makes him a bit of a character,

0:18:30 > 0:18:33and I can forgive a man a lot of terrible things for that.

0:18:35 > 0:18:36Good news, Boris.

0:18:39 > 0:18:41But it seems a bit odd to reject Putin

0:18:41 > 0:18:43for people who put cushions on beds...

0:18:47 > 0:18:50..but Putin doesn't really interfere with my life,

0:18:50 > 0:18:52whereas these people get on my nerves.

0:18:52 > 0:18:53I am going to put people who put

0:18:53 > 0:18:58- loads of cushions and pillows on beds into Room 101.- Yeah!

0:18:58 > 0:19:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:19:08 > 0:19:10Right, then, let's have our next category.

0:19:15 > 0:19:18It's the Wildcard. No restraints.

0:19:18 > 0:19:20You can pick anything at all that you don't like.

0:19:20 > 0:19:22What is Katherine's Wildcard?

0:19:26 > 0:19:29Oh, it's real. It's bread.

0:19:29 > 0:19:31Bread?

0:19:31 > 0:19:33Bread is not food.

0:19:33 > 0:19:36Bread stands in the way of me and food.

0:19:37 > 0:19:41"Will there be food?" "Sure, there'll be..." No, there's bread.

0:19:41 > 0:19:44Can't stand it. It's horrible. It's made of gluten and yeast,

0:19:44 > 0:19:47words usually followed by "intolerance" and "infection".

0:19:50 > 0:19:52- It's one of the greatest joys in the world...- It is.

0:19:52 > 0:19:54..to make your own bread. It's fantastic.

0:19:54 > 0:19:57The smell of freshly cooked...

0:19:57 > 0:19:59You can't beat it. It's amazing.

0:19:59 > 0:20:02I can't stand the smell. Do you know the reason you like it?

0:20:02 > 0:20:03It's cos it's a cheap high.

0:20:03 > 0:20:06They don't even recommend you give it to ducks anymore.

0:20:06 > 0:20:07It's quack cocaine.

0:20:07 > 0:20:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:13 > 0:20:15And I like what's kind of in bread.

0:20:15 > 0:20:19Sometimes what's inside a sandwich is something I'm attracted to.

0:20:19 > 0:20:22Then I look around me and it's as though people were eating

0:20:22 > 0:20:28the napkin of what surrounds the thing they actually want to eat.

0:20:28 > 0:20:32I think I probably eat too much bread, I'll give you that.

0:20:32 > 0:20:36When I used to eat a banana, for example, I have a banana here,

0:20:36 > 0:20:38I would peel the banana and then I would break it

0:20:38 > 0:20:44into two halves and I'd wrap a slice of bread around each one.

0:20:44 > 0:20:49But what I... It occurred to me one day that if I do it lengthways

0:20:49 > 0:20:51I only need one slice of bread,

0:20:51 > 0:20:53and I eat it like that.

0:20:55 > 0:20:56And you don't need a knife,

0:20:56 > 0:20:59cos I've still got eight years to go on Ray's waiting list.

0:21:02 > 0:21:07I'm not a fan of any bread. Pastry, donut, pizza...

0:21:07 > 0:21:10Hang on. Now you're taking it... Oh, hang on!

0:21:10 > 0:21:13- Those things are not food. - Pastry? Pizza?

0:21:13 > 0:21:17Don't you hate being lied to? Those things are not food.

0:21:17 > 0:21:21They're created by the government and the food industry to slow us down

0:21:21 > 0:21:24so that we don't recognise that Cheryl Fernandez-Versini is a robot.

0:21:24 > 0:21:27LAUGHTER

0:21:27 > 0:21:31Anyway, what is Ray's Wildcard?

0:21:36 > 0:21:37The caravan.

0:21:38 > 0:21:41APPLAUSE

0:21:42 > 0:21:43Why?

0:21:43 > 0:21:47I get stuck behind them, and I think they're just hideous.

0:21:47 > 0:21:52Huge swathes of our coastline is covered in these things.

0:21:52 > 0:21:55- It's like... it's like a mobile bread bin.- Ugh.

0:21:55 > 0:21:58That was a low blow.

0:21:58 > 0:22:00He's a silver-tongued rascal.

0:22:01 > 0:22:03They're so inventive.

0:22:03 > 0:22:06You get, like, things fold into tables,

0:22:06 > 0:22:08and chairs come out the wall.

0:22:08 > 0:22:10Bed...I love...

0:22:10 > 0:22:11This desk I model on it.

0:22:11 > 0:22:13Sometimes during rehearsals,

0:22:13 > 0:22:16if things are going a bit tough...

0:22:16 > 0:22:18LAUGHTER

0:22:20 > 0:22:22APPLAUSE

0:22:24 > 0:22:25I'm trapped now, of course.

0:22:27 > 0:22:29I wouldn't mind so much if they were painted green,

0:22:29 > 0:22:32but they have to be white. Gleaming white.

0:22:32 > 0:22:35You go down to Devon, and you look along the coast,

0:22:35 > 0:22:40and all you can see are cities of these displaced urban people

0:22:40 > 0:22:42in their ghastly white caravans.

0:22:42 > 0:22:44I think you'll like...

0:22:44 > 0:22:46I think you'll like this story, Ray.

0:22:46 > 0:22:51This is the Porthkerry leisure park near Barry in the Vale of Glamorgan.

0:22:51 > 0:22:55They had a landslip, which left some caravans

0:22:55 > 0:22:57in a slightly precarious position.

0:23:00 > 0:23:02Let's just see how high they are there.

0:23:02 > 0:23:04Ooh!

0:23:04 > 0:23:09What I liked about this is that the site owner, Sally Edwards, said,

0:23:09 > 0:23:12"It could be nothing, but we're not risking people's lives".

0:23:12 > 0:23:14LAUGHTER

0:23:14 > 0:23:16It could be nothing?!

0:23:18 > 0:23:21She went on to say, "Some caravan owners have food in their fridges

0:23:21 > 0:23:24"and they are concerned what will happen to that".

0:23:29 > 0:23:34A car can struggle a bit with a bit of a big caravan on the back.

0:23:34 > 0:23:36I have an example of that.

0:23:48 > 0:23:50CAR SPUTTERS

0:23:52 > 0:23:54Oi-oi.

0:23:56 > 0:23:58LAUGHTER

0:24:02 > 0:24:03Oh, dear.

0:24:05 > 0:24:07On the subject of this kind of mobility,

0:24:07 > 0:24:12I once did a gig in Bournemouth, and I asked a guy in the front row

0:24:12 > 0:24:15what Bournemouth was like, and he said, "I hate it".

0:24:15 > 0:24:18I said, "Oh, OK", I said, "Well, why don't you live somewhere else?"

0:24:18 > 0:24:20And he said,

0:24:20 > 0:24:22"My house is here."

0:24:22 > 0:24:24LAUGHTER

0:24:29 > 0:24:31Anyway, what is Fiona's Wildcard?

0:24:35 > 0:24:39Overly complicated car dashboards.

0:24:41 > 0:24:43APPLAUSE

0:24:43 > 0:24:46Now just the men clapping this time.

0:24:46 > 0:24:48- So complicated...- Yes.

0:24:48 > 0:24:53..that you could launch a rocket from NASA with it,

0:24:53 > 0:24:56but you can't work out how to put your CD in.

0:24:57 > 0:25:02Full of all sorts of hieroglyphs and symbols,

0:25:02 > 0:25:05indecipherable to man and beast,

0:25:05 > 0:25:09but they're there for a reason that no-one can discern.

0:25:09 > 0:25:12Well, I don't mind not knowing what the symbols are.

0:25:12 > 0:25:15I think it's quite exciting when you're on a car journey

0:25:15 > 0:25:18and a symbol comes up that you don't recognise.

0:25:19 > 0:25:22"Oh, my God, my car might be about to blow up, but I'm not sure!"

0:25:22 > 0:25:24Yeah, you think, "Whoa, what's this one?"

0:25:24 > 0:25:26So I'm going to test you on a few.

0:25:26 > 0:25:30We have some dashboard symbols, and see how many of these you recognise.

0:25:30 > 0:25:32Here's the first.

0:25:32 > 0:25:34Er, your headlights.

0:25:34 > 0:25:35That's jellyfish ahead.

0:25:37 > 0:25:39What about this one?

0:25:40 > 0:25:42Jellyfish making a run for it.

0:25:44 > 0:25:46Here's one of my favourites.

0:25:46 > 0:25:49This is a poor turnout at Camelot.

0:25:53 > 0:25:56Do you know you can now get novelty car horns?

0:25:56 > 0:25:59So you don't have to have the usual, you know, "er-er".

0:25:59 > 0:26:02I've always dreamt of having the theme from The Big Country.

0:26:02 > 0:26:04So you're driving down...

0:26:04 > 0:26:06Say a football comes across the road,

0:26:06 > 0:26:08a kid comes running out, you hit the horn...

0:26:08 > 0:26:12MUSIC: Theme from "The Big Country" by Jerome Moross

0:26:12 > 0:26:14HE MOUTHS

0:26:18 > 0:26:20APPLAUSE

0:26:23 > 0:26:24Wouldn't that make life sweeter?

0:26:24 > 0:26:30But car horns, I think I might be able to impress you a little here.

0:26:30 > 0:26:33I'd like you to, please, if you would,

0:26:33 > 0:26:35welcome our guest Hurst Conrad.

0:26:35 > 0:26:37APPLAUSE

0:26:45 > 0:26:47Hurst, thank you for coming.

0:26:47 > 0:26:49- You'd make a great passenger. - Really?

0:26:49 > 0:26:53Yes, because if I was going driving I would love to have Hurst

0:26:53 > 0:26:56in the passenger seat, and you will see why in a second.

0:26:56 > 0:27:00Please give a warm welcome and a big cheer to Hurst Conrad.

0:27:00 > 0:27:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:05 > 0:27:07JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS HE HONKS HORNS

0:27:33 > 0:27:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:37 > 0:27:39Fantastic.

0:27:47 > 0:27:48Ohhhhh.

0:27:50 > 0:27:52You know what? I love this job.

0:27:54 > 0:27:57Well, look, caravans I can't put in, Ray.

0:27:57 > 0:28:00I just think there's something beautiful...

0:28:00 > 0:28:02- We're stuck with them. - ..about them.

0:28:02 > 0:28:05I don't mind these strange symbols.

0:28:05 > 0:28:08I think it keeps life interesting and exciting.

0:28:08 > 0:28:11And I love bread, but I think we perhaps do eat too much.

0:28:11 > 0:28:17- I'm going to be bold. I am going to put bread into Room 101.- Yeah!

0:28:17 > 0:28:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:27 > 0:28:29And that brings us to the end of the show.

0:28:29 > 0:28:32Well done, Katherine. You were the most persuasive guest,

0:28:32 > 0:28:33so you are this week's winner.

0:28:33 > 0:28:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:37 > 0:28:38I care about you.

0:28:38 > 0:28:42Thank you very much to Ray Mears, Fiona Bruce and Katherine Ryan,

0:28:42 > 0:28:44and thank YOU. Goodnight.

0:28:44 > 0:28:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE