0:00:32 > 0:00:35Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101 -
0:00:35 > 0:00:38the show where three guests compete to cast their biggest gripes
0:00:38 > 0:00:40deep into the gloomy vault.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Our guests' choices have been sorted into categories,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46and in each round only one item can be chosen.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49The final decision is mine. Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Joining me tonight are former England cricket captain
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Michael Vaughan, comedienne Sara Pascoe
0:00:54 > 0:00:56and Mr Television Jonathan Ross.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58APPLAUSE
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Good evening, Sara. Good evening, Michael.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02Good evening, Frank.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Right, let's have our first category.
0:01:11 > 0:01:16It's People. So let's see what people wind up Jonathan.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24It's people who literally misuse the word 'literally.'
0:01:24 > 0:01:25APPLAUSE
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Oh, there you go. Thank you.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30- Popular.- Support there. - Popular, isn't it?
0:01:30 > 0:01:33And I'm not sitting here in the full pomp of pedantry and saying I don't
0:01:33 > 0:01:35agree that words could be changed over the years or that language
0:01:35 > 0:01:39is indeed something which can evolve and people can use it differently.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41I'm all for that. I understand that the modern world,
0:01:41 > 0:01:43part of the vernacular and the idiom
0:01:43 > 0:01:46that we have is not necessarily what it was 20 years ago.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Recently, my daughter started using the word 'spicy.'
0:01:48 > 0:01:50That's the new word for an attractive person.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52- Did you know that, Sara?- No.- Spicy.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54So she says, "Oh, yeah, he's the spicy one."
0:01:54 > 0:01:55So I know words change and I'm all for that.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57It's like, good and bad being switched.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00But 'literally' is a word that has a very specific and very useful
0:02:00 > 0:02:03meaning, and the times when we use it, we should do that.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06And I think it's important that you stick to that.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08When people misuse it, it's normally because they're idiots.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Like, there was an American news reporter I saw when
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Britney Spears was having one of her semi-regular downturns, poor thing.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17I think it was the time when she shaved her head and went out
0:02:17 > 0:02:19and attacked a van with an umbrella.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21She was in a bad way and they went outside to some sort of
0:02:21 > 0:02:24terrible report and said, "What can you tell us about Britney?"
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Obviously he couldn't tell us anything because he didn't know
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Britney and he was just outside with the rest of the kind of
0:02:30 > 0:02:32the bottom feeders, commenting on this poor woman's breakdown.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36And he said, "She's literally on a roller coaster to hell."
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Wow. If she was, I'd have watched all night.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44May I quote the great poet Ezra Pound?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Well, he wasn't much of a poet, but anyway.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49He said, "Words are shabby tools, always deteriorating."
0:02:49 > 0:02:51And they are, but only if you let them.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53I'm saying we should stick with 'literally' for what it is
0:02:53 > 0:02:55and not let idiots destroy it. God bless you.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57APPLAUSE
0:02:59 > 0:03:01It's a very interesting point this,
0:03:01 > 0:03:05because I am quite liberal about language being used
0:03:05 > 0:03:07and changing and all that, but you're quite right.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10There is a specific purpose for 'literally'
0:03:10 > 0:03:11and it is being used badly.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15One of the worst exponents of this is Jamie Redknapp,
0:03:15 > 0:03:18who is famous now for his overuse of 'literally,'
0:03:18 > 0:03:22and I've got some examples to back up your point.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23For example...
0:03:27 > 0:03:29LAUGHTER
0:03:29 > 0:03:33To be fair to Jamie Redknapp though, the fact that his dad's dog
0:03:33 > 0:03:35had a bank account might have confused him.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39The richest dog in the world.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Exactly. Now this one is particularly interesting.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Now, I should point out,
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Peter Schmeichel's is Kasper Schmeichel's father.
0:03:52 > 0:03:57This is one of the few opportunities he had to use 'literally' correctly.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Would you say you were a pedantic person when it comes to language?
0:04:03 > 0:04:04I'm not overly pedantic.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06And I'll be honest with you, if you don't put it in Room 101,
0:04:06 > 0:04:09I'm not going to lose sleep over it, Frank, but...
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- What, literally?- It does bother me.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15OK, so what person winds up Michael?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Luis Suarez.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Yes. Now, in case you're not a football fan, we should point out
0:04:30 > 0:04:35that Luis Suarez is, I think you'd agree, a very fine footballer.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37I would say he's one of the best.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41Yes, but he does occasionally bite people.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Well, this is my point.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45In sport, you've got to be a role model.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48There's millions of kids watching you all over the world,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51and your job is to try and send a message through the TV screens
0:04:51 > 0:04:53for those kids to try and follow you.
0:04:53 > 0:04:572010, Luis Suarez took a chunk out of someone's neck playing for Ajax.
0:04:57 > 0:05:002013, he took a chunk out of someone's arm
0:05:00 > 0:05:02playing against Chelsea, and he took it onto the World Cup.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04He had a bite of an Italian.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07I don't mind him biting Italians, to be honest.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Now what kind of an example is that to the children watching at home?
0:05:10 > 0:05:11LAUGHTER
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Don't you agree, especially as a man who was a captain of a major team,
0:05:15 > 0:05:19that you have to give geniuses a bit of leeway?
0:05:19 > 0:05:23You know, McEnroe, Cantona, Lindsay Lohan...
0:05:25 > 0:05:26But do you know what I mean?
0:05:26 > 0:05:30Let's say Freddie Flintoff had bitten Shane Warne.
0:05:30 > 0:05:31That would be fine.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33LAUGHTER
0:05:33 > 0:05:36But, Michael, is there a thing where sportsmen aren't very clever,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39as in they're not the brightest people in the...
0:05:39 > 0:05:43- Not you, but other sportsmen... - I would say you have a point.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46No matter how thick you are as a sportsperson...
0:05:46 > 0:05:50- Yeah. Who's the thickest? - I think you've got to be...
0:05:50 > 0:05:52LAUGHTER
0:05:52 > 0:05:53We're going to be all night now.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55He's going to reel off a list of thousands.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- It's very difficult, isn't it, to... - To be a sportsman and read a book?
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Yeah...
0:05:59 > 0:06:01LAUGHTER
0:06:01 > 0:06:05- I would say that there's one thing being thick...- Mm.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07- But there's another thing biting someone.- Yeah.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10And then doing it a second time and a third time.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Can I read you his statement to FIFA after the World Cup bite?
0:06:14 > 0:06:19He said, "I lost my balance and that destabilised my body
0:06:19 > 0:06:21"and I fell into my opponent.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25"In the moment, my face came into collision with the player, causing
0:06:25 > 0:06:29"a small bruise on my cheekbone and a lot of pain to my teeth."
0:06:30 > 0:06:33It's a bit like when these blokes turn up in A & E and they say,
0:06:33 > 0:06:37"When I flopped down on the sofa I forgot I'd put the cucumber there."
0:06:37 > 0:06:39LAUGHTER
0:06:41 > 0:06:42It's...
0:06:42 > 0:06:45I'd rather he'd have fessed up.
0:06:45 > 0:06:50I mean, I have to say, I don't think it's that bad, the biting thing.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51What?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53AUDIENCE BOO
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Boo!
0:06:56 > 0:06:59I honestly don't know why there's such a big fuss about it.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03Because he...because he assaulted another man in the middle of a game.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Well, for a start, one point, he's a brilliant player, and...
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Let's put it this way -
0:07:08 > 0:07:11if I thought he'd still got some pace and could organise a back four,
0:07:11 > 0:07:15I would happily have Charles Manson playing for West Bromwich Albion.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19Biting someone is not going to change the course of the game.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20He's bitten three people.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23None of them had to leave the pitch.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25None of them were badly injured.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27LAUGHTER
0:07:27 > 0:07:30You are so weird right now, it's unbelievable.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Apparently Suarez has been sent thousands of abusive
0:07:33 > 0:07:37letters about this, but he's never got them
0:07:37 > 0:07:39because the postman won't go anywhere near his house.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45OK, so what person winds up Sara?
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Now, sorry, guys, to make your things look really flippant,
0:07:53 > 0:07:59but I've chosen the Grim Reaper, and that is because I don't want to die.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03People have died before this so that we could evolve,
0:08:03 > 0:08:08so that humanity could improve, but now I am the end of evolution.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12I'm excellent. It's been perfected. Why should I have to go anywhere?
0:08:12 > 0:08:13LAUGHTER
0:08:13 > 0:08:14Well, you know, dying.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17I'm a Roman Catholic, so for me it's just like moving house.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19LAUGHTER
0:08:19 > 0:08:20I'm not really worried about it.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22You don't get to choose where you move to.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26Well, no, that's... You do if you live your life correctly.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28LAUGHTER
0:08:28 > 0:08:30The trouble is, if there's no death,
0:08:30 > 0:08:33where are Oxfam going to get their clothes from?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Don't you think the concept of death is useful to us, even if
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- the actual thought of death itself is rather grim?- OK.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42I recently ate too many chips one night,
0:08:42 > 0:08:44and it was a terrible evening. I'd gone out...
0:08:44 > 0:08:46You have a really hard life, don't you?
0:08:46 > 0:08:48LAUGHTER It's a sad story.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I went out to get chips for me and the wife,
0:08:50 > 0:08:52and I was so starving I ate all of mine.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54I must have eaten a portion that big of chips.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Then I hate half of my wife's.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58By the time I went to bed, I probably had the size of like a
0:08:58 > 0:09:01large football of largely undigested undercooked potatoes in my stomach.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Woke up in the middle of the night needing to try
0:09:03 > 0:09:06and move this terrible plug. Nothing was happening.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08I was sweating, I was moaning, walking up and down.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12I was banging my head, trying to put a cold towel on, I was in agony.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Got no sympathy from my wife whatsoever.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18So, at that stage, I was longing for the relief that death would bring.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20LAUGHTER
0:09:20 > 0:09:22If death did not exist, even as a concept,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25that would have been an even worse night than it already was.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27But it wasn't death that you needed. It was a bowel movement.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29LAUGHTER
0:09:29 > 0:09:31That's a very fine line, that.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35- Oh, imagine if I die before this goes out.- Wow.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39If you can just smile for a second and stay still,
0:09:39 > 0:09:42then we can use that photo on the end with your dates.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44LAUGHTER
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Let's hope not, though. Let's hope not.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Funerals can be quite creative events though.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55I have some footage of a funeral.
0:09:55 > 0:10:00This was a woman who was a fanatical ten-pin bowler, and her friends
0:10:00 > 0:10:04clubbed together, paid some money and came up with this as a funeral.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10Take these last memories of the opportunity of serving
0:10:10 > 0:10:12your momma down here...
0:10:12 > 0:10:14by pushing her down.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19LAUGHTER
0:10:21 > 0:10:26When I pushed that casket, I just had this fantastic feeling come
0:10:26 > 0:10:30over me, like she was there, just helping me get it down the lane.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33THEY CHEER
0:10:38 > 0:10:39That's ridiculous.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42What if she got lost down the back, like the ball does sometimes?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45OK, so now we come to the end.
0:10:45 > 0:10:51Well, I do worry about getting rid of death, because I think there
0:10:51 > 0:10:55might come a time when I'm really looking forward to it.
0:10:55 > 0:11:01Suarez, I think is one of the great players in the world...
0:11:01 > 0:11:03AUDIENCE BOO
0:11:03 > 0:11:05..and I'm not going to let the bigotry of the audience...
0:11:05 > 0:11:08LAUGHTER OBSCURES SPEECH
0:11:08 > 0:11:11But I do think we have to be very careful about this wonderful English
0:11:11 > 0:11:14language that we all share, and we need to protect it and cosset it.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17So I am going to put, literally, people who use the word
0:11:17 > 0:11:19'literally' into Room 101.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21APPLAUSE
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Next category, please.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38It's Food & Drink.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41So what doesn't Michael like about food and drink?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Pick 'n' Mix.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49AUDIENCE BOO
0:11:49 > 0:11:51What a good response.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53What? Are you insane?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56- The crowd aren't disapproving. They're shocked.- No, listen.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00I love sweets, but I just hate that I go to a service station or
0:12:00 > 0:12:03a sweet shop with my three kids, and when I was growing up there was
0:12:03 > 0:12:06penny sweets, two-penny sweets, and you knew exactly what you
0:12:06 > 0:12:08were getting and what you were paying for it.
0:12:08 > 0:12:13You go with your kids, and you're trying to direct them to the light
0:12:13 > 0:12:16sweets, because they put them on that weighing scale, and it's going
0:12:16 > 0:12:20to be cheaper, and they go straight for the gobstopper, or the massive
0:12:20 > 0:12:24cola bottles, which I'm pretty sure are now made out of lead.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27So my point is, wherever there's Pick 'n' Mix,
0:12:27 > 0:12:31you go to get ten cola bottles and it comes out at £4.86,
0:12:31 > 0:12:35where really it should be 30p, like the old days.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37There used to be a tradition, didn't there,
0:12:37 > 0:12:39of the tight-fisted Yorkshireman?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41LAUGHTER
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Obviously that was inaccurate.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46There are very few items in the Pick 'n' Mix
0:12:46 > 0:12:48I don't enjoy wholeheartedly, although I did
0:12:48 > 0:12:51once go a bit crazy on the fudge, and I ate so much I started crying.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53LAUGHTER
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I had a weird emotional response.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58I was sitting in a movie and I ate loads of fudge
0:12:58 > 0:13:00and I'd run out of the stuff I wanted.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02You know when you fill up the big carton? You get a carton.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04- What did it cost you?- About £25.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06LAUGHTER
0:13:06 > 0:13:11I really, really, really like the sponge prawns.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Oh, God, you've all got awful taste in sweets.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14No, they're the best.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- They're called a foam prawn, aren't they?- Shrimps.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- These are the ones I'm talking about.- Yeah. Foam prawn.
0:13:19 > 0:13:20You call that a foam prawn?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23It's also if you have a child that loses an ear.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25LAUGHTER
0:13:25 > 0:13:27No, I think it's a beautiful thing,
0:13:27 > 0:13:31and I'm happy to pay through the nose for it, I must say.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33I had a terrible thing recently
0:13:33 > 0:13:37when I realised that maybe I'm not the romantic I used to be.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40I ate a whole packet of Love Hearts
0:13:40 > 0:13:43and I realised I hadn't read any of them.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46LAUGHTER
0:13:46 > 0:13:49So what doesn't Sara like about food and drink?
0:13:53 > 0:13:57My one is stupid things that are said to vegetarians.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59I've been vegetarian since I was seven.
0:13:59 > 0:14:04I'm now vegan, because I'm fun-time, but people ask what you miss,
0:14:04 > 0:14:06and, "How do you get your protein?"
0:14:06 > 0:14:10And then, "You know we're supposed to eat meat?"
0:14:10 > 0:14:13like they've thought about it for longer than I have.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17"Oh, yeah, really? Tell me more about this new theory you've got."
0:14:17 > 0:14:19It's so hard when you're abroad.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21I went to Norway last weekend to do some gigs, and they said to me,
0:14:21 > 0:14:25"In Stavanger it's quite difficult, but there's one vegetarian restaurant."
0:14:25 > 0:14:27So I went to the vegetarian restaurant
0:14:27 > 0:14:29and ordered a vegetarian salad and it came with a beef burger on it.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31LAUGHTER
0:14:31 > 0:14:32But don't you miss beef burgers?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34LAUGHTER
0:14:34 > 0:14:36This is the other thing people will say.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39They think they can catch you out with a moral thing.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41They go, "What about if I said I was going to kill a chicken
0:14:41 > 0:14:43"unless you ate this chicken?"
0:14:43 > 0:14:46"Ah. I'd call the police."
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- But we were hunter-gatherers, weren't we?- Yeah.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Well, we were gatherers first, and then we became...
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Yeah, but hunter-gatherers, hunter gets top billing.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58THEY LAUGH
0:14:58 > 0:14:59Yeah, like Baddiel and Skinner.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Doesn't necessarily mean anything, Frank.
0:15:07 > 0:15:12One thing I sympathise for you is, I no longer drink alcohol
0:15:12 > 0:15:15because of...I think the term is "alcoholism."
0:15:15 > 0:15:17LAUGHTER
0:15:17 > 0:15:21I went into a wine merchant's with a woman I was going out
0:15:21 > 0:15:23with at the time, and she was trying to buy a really nice
0:15:23 > 0:15:26bottle of wine for a friend, and this guy said to me, "Try this wine.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29"It's absolutely beautiful." And I said, "I won't, thank you."
0:15:29 > 0:15:31He said, "It really is absolutely beautiful."
0:15:31 > 0:15:34I said, "I really won't." He said, "Honestly, I insist you try this,"
0:15:34 > 0:15:37and I thought, "I'm going to have to say it."
0:15:37 > 0:15:39And I said, "Look, sorry, I'm an alcoholic."
0:15:39 > 0:15:41And he said, "Maybe a sparkling wine?"
0:15:41 > 0:15:43LAUGHTER
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Yeah.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49So, I have a certain sympathy, I must say.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52What about this idea that vegetables have feelings too?
0:15:52 > 0:15:55I have some photographic evidence
0:15:55 > 0:15:58which suggests that vegetables might be living creatures.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Look at this. This is the hip-hop carrot.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Wow.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03LAUGHTER
0:16:03 > 0:16:04The louche parsnip.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Oh, he's lovely.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10And the runaway radish.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Ah.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16OK, then, what doesn't Jonathan like about food and drink?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26The snail. I do not enjoy eating the snail.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29You know no-one really likes it, because when it's served,
0:16:29 > 0:16:32how many people have actually eaten snail?
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Quite a few. OK.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35How many people like eating snail?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37LAUGHTER
0:16:37 > 0:16:38- You enjoy snail?- Yeah.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41When I had snail it was so covered in butter and garlic that it
0:16:41 > 0:16:44might as well have been a mushroom in there, frankly.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46It really wasn't the snail you were eating,
0:16:46 > 0:16:48because you didn't taste anything. You were eating it...
0:16:48 > 0:16:51And I can understand maybe way back in time when, you know,
0:16:51 > 0:16:55we were hunter-gatherers, obviously it's an easier thing to catch than
0:16:55 > 0:16:58many of the animals running around, so you can see why it would have
0:16:58 > 0:17:01been a dinner of hazelnut and snail, because boom, boom, boom, boom.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02But it's not a tasty dish.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06And just look at it. It's bloody disgusting.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08"Er, I'm a big slimy..."
0:17:08 > 0:17:11I don't even want to know what that stuff is coming out.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13I don't even want to know where it comes out of.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15All over the path. And at night when you go out,
0:17:15 > 0:17:17I go into the garden at night sometimes to take
0:17:17 > 0:17:20the dogs out in the evening, and sometimes I do a wee in the garden -
0:17:20 > 0:17:23I don't mind admitting that - to encourage the dogs to join me.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25LAUGHTER
0:17:25 > 0:17:28I'm the leader of the pack. So I'm out in the garden, right?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30So I'm probably not wearing much.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33You walk out and you're barefoot, you tread on a snail at night,
0:17:33 > 0:17:36it's a horrible feeling. Crunch, then, er...
0:17:36 > 0:17:38I really don't want to eat it.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40So I don't like being given snails to eat.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43I don't really like snails. And I'm not squeamish about weird food.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45I like an oyster. Oh, I love an oyster.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Oh, I don't. I think it's like licking phlegm off a tortoise.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50LAUGHTER
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Maybe I don't like them as much as I used to, but...
0:17:57 > 0:17:59LAUGHTER
0:17:59 > 0:18:01In terms of all the innards bits,
0:18:01 > 0:18:03any time meat is not in the shape that you cut it...
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I don't mind that. I know when I'm eating hot dogs I'm probably eating
0:18:06 > 0:18:09the foreskin of a cow, and that's fine.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11- I think a cow is female.- Is it? OK.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13LAUGHTER
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Well, they do a lot of stuff with genetics these days with animals.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20You know how when someone has got a particular problem, they wear,
0:18:20 > 0:18:22like, a bracelet or a necklace so the ambulance driver knows?
0:18:22 > 0:18:23Yeah, like an allergy.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27- You need a laminated thing in all your dinner jackets...- "No snails."
0:18:27 > 0:18:29The whole instructions, just why you don't like them,
0:18:29 > 0:18:31all of your thoughts and feelings.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Just show it to the manager or the waitress.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36That is a feminine approach, to say, "All your thoughts and feelings."
0:18:36 > 0:18:39I don't think I need all my thoughts and feelings on the card.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41OK. You're the one eating fudge and crying, mate,
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- before you make any comments about gender. - APPLAUSE
0:18:44 > 0:18:46I'm not ashamed of crying over fudge.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Well, we come to the end of that round.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55I'm not going to put snails in, because it is the closest
0:18:55 > 0:19:00I get to sophistication, and I do have a soft spot for them.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03They're like little foreign tourists with their backpacks.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Pick 'n' Mix, I would pay twice as much.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10It's such a joyous, exciting,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12'who knows what's round the corner?' experience.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16But I sympathise and empathise with...
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I think it's hard enough being a vegetarian
0:19:18 > 0:19:20without people asking stupid questions.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23So I'm going to put stupid things that people say to
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- vegetarians into Room 101. - Yeah! Yeah!
0:19:26 > 0:19:28APPLAUSE
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Thank you. Yeah.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Good call. Well argued.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Right, let's have our next category, please.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47It's the Wildcard. There's no restraints.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49You can pick anything at all that you don't like.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51What is Sara's wildcard?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57LAUGHTER
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Right. I have picked time as my wildcard.
0:20:01 > 0:20:02I'm getting rid of time.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Can we say, this is Old Father Time.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06We just put a watch on the Grim Reaper.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Oh, I see. I didn't even see the watch. Yeah.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Well, yeah. I just think we should get rid of time.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14I think we should do things when we want to do things.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18I think... I don't like having to go out for people's birthdays.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Sometimes I really feel like going out two days before that and nothing
0:20:21 > 0:20:24is going on, and then on their birthday I don't want to go out.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26I want to get up when I've finished sleeping.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I want to go to bed when I want to sleep.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31I think we should all go to work for as long as it takes to
0:20:31 > 0:20:33do our work, and when our work's finished we can leave.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35You're describing my son, who's a student.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37That's his life right there.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42How would it affect other people though?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Because if we all operate on different times...
0:20:44 > 0:20:46First of all, it would be chaotic.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49So, for instance, you want to go somewhere.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52You decide you do want to go somewhere, and the bus driver,
0:20:52 > 0:20:54there's no timetable.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57He or she drives along, at some point,
0:20:57 > 0:20:59because they have to do their job to get paid.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01So you might be waiting there for quite a long time.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04It might be frustrating, but eventually I think we'd all
0:21:04 > 0:21:06relax about these constraints and realise actually life is
0:21:06 > 0:21:09happening all the time, whether I'm waiting for a bus or not.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- Enjoy the journey, guys.- Have you ever been on holiday to Jamaica?
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- No.- Very similar approach there.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17I waited two days for a bus out there.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22The thing is with time, is that we could...we can deny it,
0:21:22 > 0:21:25but eventually we age and become older.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- It beats us, doesn't it? - Well, we won't know, because...
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- Oh, you'll know.- ..you've decided when your birthdays are.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34Believe me, you'll know. I had a situation two weeks ago.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38I couldn't remember the name of a West Bromwich Albion player,
0:21:38 > 0:21:42a main player in the team, who I've seen play many times.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44So I spent two hours, and I got it.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48I got it and I remembered, and I was telling someone this story two
0:21:48 > 0:21:52days later, and I couldn't remember which player I couldn't remember.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54LAUGHTER
0:21:54 > 0:21:57OK, what is Jonathan's wildcard?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Boom. My wildcard is, and this seems to be a growing trend.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08It annoys me every time I see it, is when they have commercials,
0:22:08 > 0:22:11or you see posters, and they're using dead celebrities -
0:22:11 > 0:22:14who clearly can't give their consent - to advertise stuff.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17I hate it. There's the advert selling chocolate, which,
0:22:17 > 0:22:19it looks like Audrey Hepburn in the advert.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21It's an incredible feat of technology, and
0:22:21 > 0:22:24I admire the people doing it for the skill they're putting into it, but
0:22:24 > 0:22:27it looks like Audrey Hepburn in some beautiful sort of Italian
0:22:27 > 0:22:30fishing village, missing a bus, and it's all to sell a chocolate bar.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32We have that. Would you like to...?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Well, no, I clearly don't want to see it.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Why are you rubbing my face in it? What's wrong with you, Frank?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- Just to illustrate.- OK, let's do that. An aide-memoire.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Can I say, one thing I've noticed about this Audrey Hepburn,
0:22:42 > 0:22:46is Audrey Hepburn, when she eats chocolate, she doesn't chew.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47She swallows it like a lozenge.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49LAUGHTER
0:22:49 > 0:22:53Gone. Weird. Anyway, here's Audrey enjoying a bit of choc.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57MUSIC: Moon River
0:23:12 > 0:23:15LAUGHTER
0:23:15 > 0:23:18- Like a lizard. She just swallowed it.- Yeah.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20But, you know, it is an incredible feat.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23What worries me is they might start doing movies this way as well.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25And you think, OK, obviously a lot of what actors choose
0:23:25 > 0:23:28a part for is, you know, they're doing it...it's their living.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31But they choose films because it's something they want to do, whether
0:23:31 > 0:23:34they want the challenge, or they want to be in that particular movie.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Sometimes it's just for cash.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38I mean, Michael Caine famously did Jaws IV, and when critics
0:23:38 > 0:23:40afterwards said it was a terrible movie,
0:23:40 > 0:23:43he said, "Well, I've never seen the film, but I've seen the house
0:23:43 > 0:23:46"that I bought with the money, and that's marvellous."
0:23:46 > 0:23:47LAUGHTER
0:23:47 > 0:23:50But here's the thing. That was his choice, you know.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53No, I can see that it's morally...
0:23:53 > 0:23:57I mean, I've heard that they've got Churchill now advertising insurance.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00LAUGHTER
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Don't encourage him any more.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- Well, let me... Just to lighten things a bit.- Yeah.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08This is an advert with a living...
0:24:08 > 0:24:14she was living, and this is Doris Day advertising steam rollers.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16LAUGHTER
0:24:16 > 0:24:18That's brilliant, isn't it?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20And can I read you some of the text on this?
0:24:20 > 0:24:24"When Doris Day needs road rolling equipment, you can
0:24:24 > 0:24:29"bet she's going to turn to a name she's known and trusted for years."
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Listen to this.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32"No, Doris, there isn't a vanity mirror,
0:24:32 > 0:24:36"but the International Series 56 will have your tarmac
0:24:36 > 0:24:39"compressed in time for you to stop off at the beauty salon to
0:24:39 > 0:24:43"have your hair done and cook a tasty dinner for your husband."
0:24:43 > 0:24:45LAUGHTER
0:24:45 > 0:24:48OK, let's have a look at Michael's wildcard.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54- Miming.- Mmm.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Singers that mime.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00We, as a family, I don't know if you're all like our sad family,
0:25:00 > 0:25:02- on a Saturday night, the other channel...- Yeah.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05We sit around and watch the show, and there's four judges,
0:25:05 > 0:25:09and they judge shop workers, fishmongers,
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- who sing live in front of 12 million people.- Mmm.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15And then Dermot O'Reilly comes onstage
0:25:15 > 0:25:19- and introduces a world famous... - "Dermot O'Reilly?" Are you miming?
0:25:19 > 0:25:23It's got a very camp thing, isn't it? Dermot? Oh, really?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25LAUGHTER
0:25:26 > 0:25:30He comes onstage and he introduces a megastar,
0:25:30 > 0:25:33sold three billion albums worldwide,
0:25:33 > 0:25:37and then they go and mime onstage in front of the four judges.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40And I just watch it and go, what other jobs in the world can
0:25:40 > 0:25:45you actually get paid thousands, yet you can mime doing it?
0:25:45 > 0:25:48So I'm getting rid of miming singers. Do your job.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Get on the mic and sing.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- That's a very good point.- Mmm.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55I know Margaret Thatcher hated it as...
0:25:56 > 0:25:58No, that was mining.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01LAUGHTER
0:26:01 > 0:26:04APPLAUSE
0:26:05 > 0:26:07I just can't understand that...
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Is there any other job that you can think of
0:26:10 > 0:26:11where someone could just press play?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Autopilot.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15There's one.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Disc jockey. Loads.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20There's loads, yeah. There's millions.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21LAUGHTER
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Have you ever done that thing when you just get an edge off the bat
0:26:24 > 0:26:27and then you do that, pretending it's hit you on the arm?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29- Yes.- That's miming.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30LAUGHTER
0:26:30 > 0:26:32That's cheating.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36How are you with animals miming?
0:26:36 > 0:26:37I've never met one.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Well, I'm going to...
0:26:38 > 0:26:40This is a cat.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44And can I say, this isn't computer-messed-about-with.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46What the guy is doing,
0:26:46 > 0:26:50he's just sticking his finger in the tickly bit on a cat's ribcage,
0:26:50 > 0:26:53and this what can be produced with that technique.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57# Just take those old records off the shelf
0:26:57 > 0:27:01# I'll sit and listen to 'em by myself
0:27:01 > 0:27:05# Today's music ain't got the same soul
0:27:05 > 0:27:09# I like that old time rock and roll. #
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Ah, lovely cat.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Kind of looks like it's enjoying it.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Don't you think he looks like he's enjoying the attention?
0:27:18 > 0:27:21He does. I worry about the thick bandana.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27It makes me worry that they might have grafted a cat's head
0:27:27 > 0:27:28onto a speaker.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30LAUGHTER
0:27:30 > 0:27:35Anyway, that brings us to the end of this round,
0:27:35 > 0:27:37and, well, they're good ones.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41Time, I'm struggling with a bit.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44I agree with you. I mean, I don't like having to get
0:27:44 > 0:27:47up in the morning, but I think it's...
0:27:47 > 0:27:48I'm just glad that I still do.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54I take your point about dead people in adverts,
0:27:54 > 0:27:59but some of them look so brilliant, those ads.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03But it's never really occurred to me before, Michael,
0:28:03 > 0:28:05that if you're supposed to be good at your job,
0:28:05 > 0:28:08you should be able to get on and do your job.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10I'm going to put...
0:28:10 > 0:28:12In your fabulous, common sense arguing,
0:28:12 > 0:28:16I'm going to put miming into Room 101.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18APPLAUSE
0:28:22 > 0:28:25SPEECH OBSCURED BY APPLAUSE
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Yeah, me too. I thought that too.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Well done, Jonathan, you were the most persuasive guest tonight,
0:28:34 > 0:28:36- so you are this week's winner. - Oh, thank you.
0:28:36 > 0:28:41APPLAUSE
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Thanks very much to Jonathan Ross, Michael Vaughan
0:28:44 > 0:28:47and Sara Pascoe, and thank you, good night.