0:00:20 > 0:00:22APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101 -
0:00:36 > 0:00:37the show where three guests battle
0:00:37 > 0:00:41to consign their pet peeves to the infamous vault.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42They'll have to argue their case well,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45because for each round, only one item can be chosen.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47The final decision is mine.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Let's meet this week's guests -
0:00:48 > 0:00:51joining me tonight are headlines, Sir Trevor McDonald,
0:00:51 > 0:00:52punchlines, Aisling Bea,
0:00:52 > 0:00:55and, learning his lines, David Tennant.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:03 > 0:01:05So, let's see what's on the "whine" list.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09So, what's David's choice?
0:01:12 > 0:01:13It's sushi.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15APPLAUSE
0:01:18 > 0:01:21I don't like fish much at the best of times,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24so the idea that you would serve it to me
0:01:24 > 0:01:28without having the decency to cook the filthy stuff
0:01:28 > 0:01:30just makes my stomach turn.
0:01:30 > 0:01:35But it's not solely the snot-like texture -
0:01:35 > 0:01:38although that should be enough -
0:01:38 > 0:01:42it's the attitude that goes along with the people that like it
0:01:42 > 0:01:44that I find...
0:01:44 > 0:01:46disgusting.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51There's a sort of snobbish, smug...
0:01:53 > 0:01:57..kind of middle-class proselytising about it that goes on.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59This idea that, "Because I like sushi,
0:01:59 > 0:02:03"I'm sophisticated, I'm international, I'm exotic" -
0:02:03 > 0:02:06for a plate of filthy raw fish.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Doesn't even come with chips.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13APPLAUSE
0:02:15 > 0:02:18There's, er...one of those viral videos -
0:02:18 > 0:02:20I don't know if anyone's seen this -
0:02:20 > 0:02:23of a plate of sashimi that someone filmed in a restaurant,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26that starts to twitch...
0:02:26 > 0:02:27AUDIENCE GROANS
0:02:27 > 0:02:30..and then flips itself off the plate.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33That's not dinner, that's a pet.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37I LOVE sashimi, because have an international sort of...
0:02:37 > 0:02:41- Cos you're all exotic. - ..mysterious, exotic presence.- Smug.
0:02:41 > 0:02:46- I must confess, I'm with David on this.- Really?!- I understand...
0:02:46 > 0:02:47APPLAUSE
0:02:51 > 0:02:55I mean, I've never investigated it as closely as you have...
0:02:55 > 0:03:00..but it's the fact that people who do like it
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- think that they are better than all of us.- Yes!
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- But we ARE better than you. - That's the bit...- That's...
0:03:05 > 0:03:06To be fair, David,
0:03:06 > 0:03:10you come from a place where they won't even eat raw Mars Bars.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15APPLAUSE
0:03:15 > 0:03:19That... That is exotic cuisine, right there.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22So, here's some... Yeah, here's some sushi.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25One of my favourite things about sushi is, er...
0:03:25 > 0:03:27the sushi grass.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- What... What is that about? - What IS that about?
0:03:33 > 0:03:38- I...- It's trying to dress it up, cos it's such filthy, vile stuff.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40In the part of the world I come from,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42when they talk about grass, they talk about something else.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48No, but it doesn't come from a field, this stuff - it comes from the sea.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51It gives it a sort of surf and turf kind of a feel.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54What I think - this was my own idea,
0:03:54 > 0:03:57and if there's anyone who runs a sushi restaurant,
0:03:57 > 0:03:59I'm prepared to discuss this with them -
0:03:59 > 0:04:01wouldn't this be more suitable?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07You see that? You've got waves, and it just makes it more...
0:04:07 > 0:04:08real.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Can I say, also, by the way, the sushi grass -
0:04:11 > 0:04:13it's great at Christmas.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I think part of the pretension, too,
0:04:19 > 0:04:24is the fact that it appears to be so enticingly laid out.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26- You know? That's part of the thing. - Mm.
0:04:26 > 0:04:31Have you ever heard of nyot...ai...mori?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Nyotaimori.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36- Sure. - LAUGHTER
0:04:36 > 0:04:40It's a very specialist sushi tradition in Japan.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Here is what it is.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45ALL GASP
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Yes - and the sushi is eaten off a naked body.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Usually female, I'll be honest with you.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56But you can imagine the complications of eating it off a male.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02David just changed his mind about sushi.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04LAUGHTER
0:05:04 > 0:05:07I went to one of these places in Osaka , and I said, "Look..."
0:05:07 > 0:05:09I finished the meal, and I said, "I don't have any money,
0:05:09 > 0:05:11"but I am prepared to do the washing up."
0:05:14 > 0:05:17This particular one, which is the salmon one -
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I always feel a bit sorry,
0:05:19 > 0:05:23because salmon doesn't seem quite exotic enough to be in sushi.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26It's like when you see a British actor in an American TV show,
0:05:26 > 0:05:28you think, "Aw, bless."
0:05:31 > 0:05:35But that - when you look at that piece of sushi,
0:05:35 > 0:05:36I think it looks like...
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Ed Sheeran.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43And if you can imagine...
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Now, this one...
0:05:45 > 0:05:46This one, I always think,
0:05:46 > 0:05:49it's ginger, but it's got a bit of white showing,
0:05:49 > 0:05:50it's more of a Chris Evans type.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55And you can imagine them meeting at a bar, and having a bit of a...
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Actually, it'd be more like this, wouldn't it?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04So, um, you have eaten sushi, I take it?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Begrudgingly, yeah. Well, people keep going on about it, you know?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- Yes, they do. - There must be something.....
0:06:08 > 0:06:11And then... But no, it just tastes like a pile of raw fish.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13- It's a fair summary.- Yeah.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16OK, so, what's Sir Trevor's choice?
0:06:19 > 0:06:22My choice is queuing.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Thank you.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Thank you - although I should explain,
0:06:30 > 0:06:34if you turn up at some airport in Naples or something,
0:06:34 > 0:06:35and you're standing in line
0:06:35 > 0:06:37and waiting to go to the ticket counter
0:06:37 > 0:06:40and somebody barges in from the right or left side, you think,
0:06:40 > 0:06:41"Oh, my goodness,
0:06:41 > 0:06:45"how wonderful it is that this doesn't happen back in London."
0:06:45 > 0:06:47You know? Where people get in an orderly queue,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49and they don't move...
0:06:49 > 0:06:51But I get very worried when people become obsessed
0:06:51 > 0:06:55- with just the idea of standing in line - we love lines.- Mm.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56And you go to an underground station,
0:06:56 > 0:06:59and there are three lanes which are empty,
0:06:59 > 0:07:02and there's one where there are about 100 people,
0:07:02 > 0:07:04and everyone gets behind the line!
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- Yeah!- And I just get out
0:07:06 > 0:07:08and I go for the one where there's nobody standing next to it,
0:07:08 > 0:07:11and I get my ticket and walk away, but -
0:07:11 > 0:07:14it shouldn't, really, but it infuriates me.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I think my particular hate on this one is,
0:07:18 > 0:07:22if you're queuing in a cafe - especially if you're on your own -
0:07:22 > 0:07:25queuing in a cafe, and a family come in,
0:07:25 > 0:07:29and they all go and sit at the last table in the cafe,
0:07:29 > 0:07:31and then join the end of the queue -
0:07:31 > 0:07:34so, you're way ahead of them, but they got the table.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Now, that cannot be right.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40And I know it's just a table, but you just know these are the people -
0:07:40 > 0:07:42they'd do the same with a lifeboat.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48And they do it, now, for sales in big stores -
0:07:48 > 0:07:50you know, somebody forms a line...
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Well, in fact, for sales, they don't -
0:07:52 > 0:07:54- they kill each other, don't they? Sort of...- Yes.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56I think you can get a community spirit from that kind of...
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Oh, I'm sure there's a community spirit when you do,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02but I mean, there's nothing else to do but have a community spirit
0:08:02 > 0:08:05if you're standing out there, or sitting out there all night.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Do you still have to queue, Sir Trevor?
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Do you ever just go, "I am Sir Trevor of the News!
0:08:09 > 0:08:10"Let me through!"?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13No, no... Nobody ever does that.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15They probably do it for you, but not for me.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17- Oh...- I don't believe that -
0:08:17 > 0:08:20I think the world parts like Moses and the Red Sea.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24A queue that you see a lot in London
0:08:24 > 0:08:26is young men queuing for training shoes.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28A new edition of trainers comes out,
0:08:28 > 0:08:31and they literally queue overnight to get in there first -
0:08:31 > 0:08:35and I find this a pretty remarkable phenomenon.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37And I was in this car, and I was being driven -
0:08:37 > 0:08:40I'd been talking to the driver, it was a woman driver, she was Latvian -
0:08:40 > 0:08:41and she said, "What is this queue?"
0:08:41 > 0:08:44And I said, "It's... They're queuing for training shoes."
0:08:44 > 0:08:46I said, "Can you believe it?"
0:08:46 > 0:08:48There was a short pause, and she said,
0:08:48 > 0:08:50"I've queued for cheese."
0:08:53 > 0:08:55But that's... I mean, you know, that's the thing, you know?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58So, a new phone comes out, and everybody queues.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Look, I'll tell you something - the guys who make those phones,
0:09:02 > 0:09:04they're going to make enough to sell it to everybody.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06You do not need to queue.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08I'm telling you, honestly.
0:09:08 > 0:09:09APPLAUSE
0:09:13 > 0:09:15The one, I think, that needs quite a bit of intuition,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18is when you're queuing at a urinal,
0:09:18 > 0:09:21guessing who's going to finish first.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24You're looking for any sort of sense of...
0:09:24 > 0:09:26relaxation.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29It's a sort of urinal Russian roulette.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Just trying to...
0:09:30 > 0:09:34I once stood at a urinal behind the Red Arrows...
0:09:34 > 0:09:37in full formation.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Amazing. How they did the red, white and blue thing, I'll never know.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45There's a kind of sport to it, at the supermarket, isn't there?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47You know, which line are you going to choose?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- Yeah.- Which is moving fastest?- Yeah.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51You can actually turn it into a competitive event,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54with someone else - "You take that basket, I'll take that basket,"
0:09:54 > 0:09:56you can be edging it... That's quite fun.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00I find in the supermarket, my real problem,
0:10:00 > 0:10:02when you're queuing behind someone,
0:10:02 > 0:10:05when you get to the actual conveyor belt
0:10:05 > 0:10:08and they don't put the grocery divider...
0:10:08 > 0:10:09MURMURS OF ASSENT
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Now, that's their job! It's the leader's responsibility.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15I can't put it on, they have to put it on.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16So, what I start doing -
0:10:16 > 0:10:20I start putting my stuff on quite close to theirs -
0:10:20 > 0:10:21the most expensive stuff,
0:10:21 > 0:10:24like a little bit of truffle oil rolling over -
0:10:24 > 0:10:27they start to panic, and down it goes.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Um, what about Aisling's choice?
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Pigeons.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Frankly, Frank,
0:10:40 > 0:10:44I've had enough of these disease-riddled rats of the sky.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- AUDIENCE CHEERS - Yes, thank you.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Bit of solidarity, there.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51We just let them roam around, owning the streets of our cities
0:10:51 > 0:10:54for far too long, and I don't know why.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57What do they do? They're obsolete now - everyone sends text messages,
0:10:57 > 0:10:59unlike the old days,
0:10:59 > 0:11:01when you used to attach, you know, a bit of paper to their legs,
0:11:01 > 0:11:05and I think that's why British people let them stay around
0:11:05 > 0:11:08so long, is because of all the hard work they did during the war.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11But, you know, you don't see other veterans going round
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Trafalgar Square pooing on the monuments,
0:11:15 > 0:11:17so I don't see why we should allow pigeons.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19You know, there's an arrogance about them -
0:11:19 > 0:11:22they're like the aggressive sort of man in the pub,
0:11:22 > 0:11:23being like, "No, you move," you know?
0:11:23 > 0:11:27They're like... Yeah, I just don't like them any more.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29First of all, they are, I think,
0:11:29 > 0:11:32an important source of exercise for toddlers.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37I have a three-year-old,
0:11:37 > 0:11:40he will chase a pigeon a mile and a half.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42He'll run so far, he'll vomit,
0:11:42 > 0:11:45and then, of course, the pigeon will sort that out.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50I thought we were supposed to love the wildlife.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52No, they have more diseases -
0:11:52 > 0:11:54they have, like, seven times more diseases than rats,
0:11:54 > 0:11:57even in the wind from their wings.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00This might change your mind - we have a woman in Liverpool,
0:12:00 > 0:12:02an artist called Kerry Morrison,
0:12:02 > 0:12:08laid out a sheet of musical manuscript with empty staves on it.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09There it is, look.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Ready for musical notes...
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Ah!
0:12:12 > 0:12:17..and then pigeons naturally put notes on the...
0:12:17 > 0:12:18LAUGHTER
0:12:18 > 0:12:21I'm not making this up - this was an artistic experiment.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22And we've got a - look.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23- AUDIENCE:- Eurgh!
0:12:23 > 0:12:25That's E.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28She waited till it was covered,
0:12:28 > 0:12:31and then Jon Hering, a composer,
0:12:31 > 0:12:32he turned it into a full musical score,
0:12:32 > 0:12:36and they performed it at the Tate Liverpool art gallery.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Come off it.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40I'm not making - this is absolutely serious.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41We have the actual music here.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44# I believe I can fly... #
0:12:44 > 0:12:46APPLAUSE
0:12:46 > 0:12:49# I believe I can touch the sky... #
0:12:52 > 0:12:54I made that last bit up.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58It's completely true - this is the real pigeon music.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01This is taking the notes that were dropped onto the thing
0:13:01 > 0:13:03and turning them into music.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05SLOW ATONAL MUSIC
0:13:19 > 0:13:21LAUGHTER
0:13:21 > 0:13:24It's interesting that the medium that they use to write the music
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- is reflected in the music.- Mm!
0:13:29 > 0:13:31And they actually performed that at the Tate?
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Yeah, The art gallery.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35That is one of those things with art where sometimes you're like,
0:13:35 > 0:13:38"No, I don't believe there should be any cuts to art funding,"
0:13:38 > 0:13:40and then every now and again you're like,
0:13:40 > 0:13:43"Ach, they could probably shave a pound or two off."
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Erm, I don't think I can put pigeons in, Aisling.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47What, why not?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Because they have this strange homing thing - we don't know,
0:13:50 > 0:13:54we haven't finally found out how bright and intelligent...
0:13:54 > 0:13:55what we can do with them.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57They could save the world -
0:13:57 > 0:14:00and they're a bit scruffy and smelly, but - hey.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I...
0:14:02 > 0:14:04I must say, I like sushi.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- Ohh! - AUDIENCE MURMURS
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I do like it, and I like the fact that we, as a nation,
0:14:09 > 0:14:12who aren't the most experimental,
0:14:12 > 0:14:16have actually embraced the whole raw fish thing.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19David, don't look at me like that.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20OK, I...
0:14:20 > 0:14:24This is a real tough one, but I'm going to put queuing into Room 101.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- Oh...- Oh, thanks!
0:14:26 > 0:14:28APPLAUSE
0:14:36 > 0:14:38And so...
0:14:38 > 0:14:41What's upsetting Sir Trevor?
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Lateness.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:14:50 > 0:14:52I thought we'd be done by now.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54LAUGHTER
0:14:54 > 0:14:58This is a problem which I realise is partly of my own creation.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03If I arrange to meet somebody at six o'clock,
0:15:03 > 0:15:06outside McDonald's - my, you know...
0:15:06 > 0:15:08LAUGHTER
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Do you mean your house?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16APPLAUSE
0:15:19 > 0:15:23- I was referring to the family firm. - Oh, OK!
0:15:23 > 0:15:26..at six o'clock, if I say six o'clock,
0:15:26 > 0:15:29at about five to six...
0:15:29 > 0:15:31I'm there, of course,
0:15:31 > 0:15:34and I think I've got the wrong place,
0:15:34 > 0:15:36because the person hasn't turned up.
0:15:36 > 0:15:41Now, I'm not into all this sort of quasi-philosophical nonsense
0:15:41 > 0:15:45about punctuality being the prerogative of princes or kings,
0:15:45 > 0:15:48or whatever - I don't believe any of that -
0:15:48 > 0:15:53I just think that if you say you're going to be there at a certain time,
0:15:53 > 0:15:54then you are there.
0:15:54 > 0:16:00I make extreme efforts to make sure that I am on time.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04I always take account of the fact that there might be traffic.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07I mean, have you ever heard of the worst excuse in your life?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09"There's traffic" - there's traffic everywhere.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11There always is traffic.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Do you think it's cos it was a big deal in your job -
0:16:13 > 0:16:16like, if at ten o'clock Britain turned on their television,
0:16:16 > 0:16:18and there was just a chair there...
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- To be completely honest... - "I'm on my way, I'm on my way."
0:16:23 > 0:16:27You did have a job that started with Big Ben.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29So you kind of always knew what time it was.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Exactly.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32The worst thing I ever...
0:16:32 > 0:16:35I had a meeting with someone, and they turned up - I mean,
0:16:35 > 0:16:41they were probably 15 minutes late, and they had a Starbucks cup...
0:16:43 > 0:16:45And they said, "Oh, sorry I'm late,"
0:16:45 > 0:16:50and I said, "But hold on a minute - you had time to buy Starbucks..."
0:16:50 > 0:16:54- I know!- ..and they said, "Oh, well, I knew I was already late,
0:16:54 > 0:16:55"so I couldn't make it any worse."
0:16:55 > 0:16:59I said, "This is the serial killer argument, isn't it?"
0:16:59 > 0:17:02"Well, I've already killed one person..."
0:17:02 > 0:17:06I have a kind of sneaking admiration for them,
0:17:06 > 0:17:08because they'll never get heart attacks -
0:17:08 > 0:17:14they'll never be too discombobulated about not being there on time,
0:17:14 > 0:17:18they'll never worry excessively about, really, anything at all.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21I like the way you're losing confidence in this...
0:17:21 > 0:17:22LAUGHTER
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- No, but I see the downsides of it... - Mm.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29..but what I'm saying is, it's still a source of great irritability.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31It does feel like disrespect, that's the problem -
0:17:31 > 0:17:34and when you're at an airport, and they start...
0:17:34 > 0:17:36You know, everything's late, all the flights are late...
0:17:36 > 0:17:40This, I think, is probably the best excuse I've ever seen
0:17:40 > 0:17:42for a flight being late.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Yeah, very good!
0:17:49 > 0:17:51I'll tell you, one of the oddities, too,
0:17:51 > 0:17:54is when people tell you you are late -
0:17:54 > 0:17:57and in the journalistic world, it happens like this...
0:17:57 > 0:18:00There is a war, and you can't get to it in time,
0:18:00 > 0:18:03and you turn up, and the guy says, "Where are you heading to?"
0:18:03 > 0:18:05You say, "I'm going to Bucharest,
0:18:05 > 0:18:09"because the Romanian dictator has just been..."
0:18:09 > 0:18:12And he said, "But that happened two days ago."
0:18:12 > 0:18:14I said, "Yes, it's taken me two days to get here!"
0:18:14 > 0:18:16So, people tell you you are late.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20I don't know anyone else who's ever told me an anecdote
0:18:20 > 0:18:21about being late for a war!
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Well, let's see what David has chosen.
0:18:30 > 0:18:31My South African accent.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34LAUGHTER
0:18:34 > 0:18:36APPLAUSE
0:18:36 > 0:18:40As part of my day job, which is pretending to be other people,
0:18:40 > 0:18:45I do occasionally have to assume another accent...
0:18:45 > 0:18:48and, usually, with a bit of practice and a bit of time,
0:18:48 > 0:18:52I can make a decent fist of most of them...
0:18:52 > 0:18:56but my Becher's Brook, my Waterloo...
0:18:56 > 0:18:57LAUGHTER
0:18:57 > 0:18:59..is the South African accent.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03I don't know why it should be, I don't know what it is about it
0:19:03 > 0:19:08that is elusive to my ear, but I've tried, and I've struggled, and...
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT:- I can start off all right, and it's not too bad...
0:19:11 > 0:19:13but it doesn't take very long, and...
0:19:13 > 0:19:15- BLACK COUNTRY ACCENT: - ..suddenly I'm from Dudley.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17LAUGHTER
0:19:17 > 0:19:19APPLAUSE
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: - So, I have to concentrate
0:19:24 > 0:19:26and try and wrestle back, but...
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- BLACK COUNTRY ACCENT:- ..I can't hold on to it for very long,
0:19:28 > 0:19:30I just can't do it.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- NATURAL ACCENT:- I can't - I just don't know what it is.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34It defeats me every single time.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Well, we have...
0:19:35 > 0:19:36LAUGHTER
0:19:36 > 0:19:40We have a recording, a radio recording, of you...
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- I don't think it's a South African accent...- Oh, I hope not.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47This is from an audio play called The Rotters' Club.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Oh...no.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52This is set in Birmingham.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Yeah.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57I didn't know you remembered this.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59No, exactly. Let's hear this.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01'Look, Bill,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03'a vote for Wilson is just going to let the socialists back in.'
0:20:03 > 0:20:06'Oh, I've bad news for you, Sam. I AM a socialist.'
0:20:06 > 0:20:09'You might as well just give the miners the keys to the ruddy country,
0:20:09 > 0:20:12- 'and let 'em get on with it.' - 'Mm, not a bad idea.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14'I might propose it at the next TUC conference.'
0:20:14 > 0:20:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:17 > 0:20:19I don't think that was too bad!
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- That was David and I, in case you hadn't worked that out.- Yeah.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Must be... Oh, must be, like, 15 years ago, now.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27I tell you what - I'll tell you something about that show.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31We did this show together - but, as you say, a long time ago -
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- and there was a guy called David Troughton in it...- Yeah.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36..who was the son of a former Doctor Who...
0:20:36 > 0:20:37AISLING GASPS
0:20:37 > 0:20:40..and I was so excited that it was the son of a former Doctor Who -
0:20:40 > 0:20:42and David was there,
0:20:42 > 0:20:45and I thought, "Why does this Scottish bloke keep bothering me?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47"I want to talk to the son of the former..."
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Little did I know!
0:20:49 > 0:20:50And the moral of this is,
0:20:50 > 0:20:54don't meet your heroes before they're your heroes.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57APPLAUSE
0:21:00 > 0:21:04I went up for a part - it was an American thing, and I thought,
0:21:04 > 0:21:07"Well, if they've asked me, there must be, like, an English guy in it."
0:21:07 > 0:21:09So, I turned up, and they said,
0:21:09 > 0:21:12"No, no, we need you to do it in an American accent."
0:21:12 > 0:21:17Now, I only have one American accent, and it's quite distinctive.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21I remember one of the lines - it was, "You're a pretty girl, Susan..."
0:21:21 > 0:21:25this woman is coming on to me, I say, "You're a pretty girl, Susan,
0:21:25 > 0:21:27but I thought you knew, I'm gay."
0:21:27 > 0:21:29That was the line.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31And they said, "We need to do it American."
0:21:31 > 0:21:35And the only American accent I have is Wild West old-timer.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41So, I said, "You're a pretty girl, Susan..."
0:21:41 > 0:21:42LAUGHTER
0:21:42 > 0:21:47"..but, here, I thought you knew - I'm gay."
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I, er...
0:21:49 > 0:21:51I didn't get the part.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55But you are doing the tour of Brokeback Mountain,
0:21:55 > 0:21:56so that's nice.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01Anyway, we thought we might want to help you with this,
0:22:01 > 0:22:05- David...- Right.- ..so, we contacted a man called Paul Meier.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06He runs a thing
0:22:06 > 0:22:09called the International Dialects of English Archive,
0:22:09 > 0:22:15and he thinks that he can teach - well, you and I to do South African.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- Would you like to give it a try? - I'd love to, yeah!
0:22:17 > 0:22:19It's written phonetically,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22and what he's done is, he's taken that scene from The Rotters' Club
0:22:22 > 0:22:25that we did in regional Midlands accents...
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- Very good! - ..and he's made it South African.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31So, if you'd like to join me on your... You can see your mark.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32I can.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Good on ya.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36OK, so, you've got to imagine, now, instead of being
0:22:36 > 0:22:41- set in the West Midlands, that suddenly we're in Jo'burg.- OK.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- And it's written...- I don't know why I'm doing it as Nelson, but...
0:22:44 > 0:22:46I...
0:22:46 > 0:22:48So, yeah, so, it's phonetic.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50OK, let's go for it.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52HE READS PHONETIC TRANSCRIPTION
0:22:58 > 0:23:00LAUGHTER
0:23:16 > 0:23:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- I think you've got...- Yeah.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24HE READS PHONETIC TRANSCRIPTION
0:23:38 > 0:23:42I have a feeling that if you played this backwards,
0:23:42 > 0:23:43it would sound absolutely fine.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46David Tennant, the South African accent.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48APPLAUSE
0:23:53 > 0:23:56And...finally...
0:23:56 > 0:23:59to Aisling's choice.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Scooters.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05- Yep. - APPLAUSE
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Yep, thank you.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Yep.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10I think we've one here, so I can show you what I mean.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Where's the one...? Do we have a scooter?
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- We do - there's one here. Are you going to...?- Yeah.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- Yeah - this is my problem with it. - Please be careful.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- Yeah. Oh, I will. - There it is, under there.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22So, I just feel like we don't know the risks of them yet, for children,
0:24:22 > 0:24:23and - you know, like with mobile phones,
0:24:23 > 0:24:25there's been no science done yet -
0:24:25 > 0:24:29and children who are just using one leg all the time to get around,
0:24:29 > 0:24:32and what's going to happen is, all the muscles will go
0:24:32 > 0:24:36in their other leg, and then they'll only have one good leg to use.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38And I think, like, in 20 years' time,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41they're going to have to, like, develop new trousers,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44having, like, one good leg, and then one... You know.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48And there'll be adults who can just walk around in one circle...
0:24:48 > 0:24:51and then you see - my least favourite thing is the children,
0:24:51 > 0:24:54like, lazy children, who have annoyed their parents
0:24:54 > 0:24:56so much that they've given up,
0:24:56 > 0:24:58and they just stand there... David, come here for a second.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- So, I'm the child... - Yeah.- ..and you just...
0:25:00 > 0:25:03I've given up, so you just you'll me along at this stage.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04- Oh, I do this, regularly.- Yeah.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Come on!
0:25:07 > 0:25:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- That drives me nuts.- Yeah.- You know?
0:25:13 > 0:25:18And you see these...just sad dads walking with two scooters...
0:25:18 > 0:25:23They're awful. And, yeah, the worst is adults - adults on those things.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Just get a bike!
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Well, I had a scooter for much of my childhood...
0:25:30 > 0:25:33- One of those?- Well, it was a thing called a Tri-ang scooter -
0:25:33 > 0:25:37big white wheels on it, and changed my life,
0:25:37 > 0:25:40because I still, to this day, can't ride a bike.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42I find them a bit too high.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46And I hadn't quite got the self-belief -
0:25:46 > 0:25:49but this thing was sufficiently low to the ground
0:25:49 > 0:25:51that I felt confident on a scooter.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55This was the '70s - I had shoes that were higher than the scooter.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59There's something about an adult on one of those scooters that -
0:25:59 > 0:26:00and I'm not trying to be dramatic -
0:26:00 > 0:26:05but it feels the same to me as still getting breast-fed at 40.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Does it not bother you that lots and lots of children
0:26:08 > 0:26:10really, really love these scooters?
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Yes - because I feel like
0:26:12 > 0:26:16we're creating, like, a generation of crazy children
0:26:16 > 0:26:19who don't know to just walk places, or cycle bikes -
0:26:19 > 0:26:24they could end up becoming stand-up comedians and not get a real job.
0:26:24 > 0:26:29- So, look, I have one last try at winning you over to the scooter.- Mm.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33This man is the current world scooter champion,
0:26:33 > 0:26:37and the first ever British world scooter champion -
0:26:37 > 0:26:40so, please welcome Jordan Clark.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42APPLAUSE
0:26:49 > 0:26:51- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Whoo!
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Whoo!
0:27:04 > 0:27:05Whoo!
0:27:05 > 0:27:06APPLAUSE
0:27:12 > 0:27:13- Amazing.- I'm glad he scootered off,
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- because I thought that was rubbish. - LAUGHTER
0:27:16 > 0:27:17I thought that was...
0:27:17 > 0:27:19He'd just go up and down, and bounced a bit,
0:27:19 > 0:27:20like on a skateboard -
0:27:20 > 0:27:24he could have at least had the dignity to jump up onto the stage,
0:27:24 > 0:27:26scoot on along that, do along the edge, and -
0:27:26 > 0:27:27you know, something like that.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31- That was just...- You know he's absolutely in bits, now, back there.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32Oh, I'm sorry, Jordan!
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Well, it's... You know.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37His severed head, now, will roll on on a scooter.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40So...
0:27:40 > 0:27:42I'm not going to put scooters in.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44How am I going to get my son to school?
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Walking! On his legs!
0:27:46 > 0:27:47He HATES that.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50And lateness - you know what?
0:27:50 > 0:27:51You really won me over with lateness -
0:27:51 > 0:27:54- but then, I think you started change your mind.- I know - well,
0:27:54 > 0:27:57I started to think it was probably more my problem than others, really.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Yeah - yeah, but I have it as well, and you're right,
0:28:00 > 0:28:03it might do us good to just loosen up and not worry about these things.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Yeah. And all those guys, those late guys,
0:28:06 > 0:28:08they're going to live for a very long time.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10- They're even going to be late dying. - Yeah.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Exactly.
0:28:12 > 0:28:17But, I so feel your pain, that you're trying to capture the voice
0:28:17 > 0:28:20of this wondrous, wild and beautiful country,
0:28:20 > 0:28:22and you keep ending up in the West Midlands.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Yeah.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27I am going to put David's South African accent into Room 101.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29- Thank you. - APPLAUSE
0:28:36 > 0:28:39And that brings us to the end of the show - well done, David,
0:28:39 > 0:28:43you were the most persuasive guest, so you are this week's winner.
0:28:43 > 0:28:44Thank you.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46APPLAUSE
0:28:48 > 0:28:52In no way helped by the fact the you were Doctor Who -
0:28:52 > 0:28:54can I point that out?
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Thanks very much, David Tennant, Sir Trevor McDonald and Aisling Bea -
0:28:57 > 0:28:59and thank you, goodnight!
0:28:59 > 0:29:01APPLAUSE