0:00:26 > 0:00:29CHEERING
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:35 > 0:00:40the show where three guests compete to condemn their deepest dislikes
0:00:40 > 0:00:41to the dreaded room.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43They'll have to argue their case well
0:00:43 > 0:00:45because in each round only one item can be chosen -
0:00:45 > 0:00:47the final decision is mine.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Joining me tonight are... The Thick Of It, Joanna Scanlan.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52The SHTICK OF IT, Noel Fielding.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55And, "give us a kick of it," Ian Wright.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58CHEERING
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Anyway, as they used to say on 'Allo 'Allo!...
0:01:08 > 0:01:11good moaning. BELL DINGS
0:01:12 > 0:01:13So what's Noel's choice?
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Spiders.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20SUBDUED CHEERING
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Ooh, that's...
0:01:22 > 0:01:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:24 > 0:01:26- It was like they had a debate first. - I know!
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- "Shall we applaud?" - Whole gamut of emotions.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Yeah. So why? Why spiders?
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Well, I recently went to Australia, and...
0:01:34 > 0:01:36that was a whole other ballgame.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38- Mm.- I mean, I'm frightened of spiders here,
0:01:38 > 0:01:40but in Australia, they are massive.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42I mean, literally, one picked me up at the airport.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- LAUGHTER - In a taxi.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50It's still on your head. LAUGHTER
0:01:50 > 0:01:53APPLAUSE
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Quite good when we got to the hotel, though,
0:01:57 > 0:01:59cos he picked up all my bags...
0:02:00 > 0:02:03But, I mean, they're properly dangerous in Australia as well, so...
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Yeah, well, they can kill you. You know like here, in England,
0:02:06 > 0:02:09the thing is, in England, you do the sort of postcard/cup technique.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- You know, you try and trap... - IAN:- Mm-hm.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13In Australia, there was one in... This is a true story.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Me and my brother were sharing a hotel, doing a Boosh tour,
0:02:16 > 0:02:19and there was... A huntsman, it's called. And...
0:02:19 > 0:02:21it literally was this big, right, on the wall,
0:02:21 > 0:02:24so we couldn't even get it in a mug.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28We had to... I had to go to the kitchen and get a mixing bowl, yeah,
0:02:28 > 0:02:30and we had to use an album...
0:02:30 > 0:02:31IAN LAUGHS
0:02:31 > 0:02:34I used Abbey Road, right? This is a true story.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36And cos mixing bowls, they're see-through,
0:02:36 > 0:02:37they're sort of magnifying.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39So, it was THAT big anyway, and when I put the mixing bowl,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42its head was bigger than mine.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- Wow.- I could see its cheekbones, it was awful.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48And so I slid the album underneath it and took it outside,
0:02:48 > 0:02:51and I put it out, and it didn't even just go in the bushes,
0:02:51 > 0:02:53it walked down the sidewalk like a man.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Like a man would, it just went off...
0:02:57 > 0:02:59across the zebra crossing...
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Must have got the idea from Abbey Road.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04LAUGHTER
0:03:04 > 0:03:06APPLAUSE
0:03:06 > 0:03:08So bad.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- The huntsman spider.- I know.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Does it herald its arrival with a bugle call?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Bwwuh-rooo!
0:03:16 > 0:03:20I am not very good with the... the cup and the...
0:03:20 > 0:03:23I always think beermat, the glass and the beermat.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Or, you know, the coaster thing.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26If it's a really big spider,
0:03:26 > 0:03:29I don't really want it in the same postcode as me.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- I've got a spider catcher.- Oh, yeah?
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Yeah.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37It's really long, plastic, thin, and it's got a bulb on the end...
0:03:37 > 0:03:41And you...you go near the spider, you just press the bulb
0:03:41 > 0:03:43and a vacuum sucks the spider up
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- and then you can go outside and release.- Wow.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48- A spider in Australia would snatch that off you.- Yeah.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51LAUGHTER
0:03:53 > 0:03:54"What else you got?"
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Just to prove that, um, Noel's not exaggerating,
0:03:57 > 0:04:01we have a man actually catching a spider in Australia.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03- It is a bit scary.- Oh...
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Can you see Daddy and the spider?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06- CHILD:- 'Yeah, I can.' - OK.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07That's the one!
0:04:07 > 0:04:09'Daddy, careful.'
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Decided to get a bigger container because of...the size of this one.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14I'll have to move really quick.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17- NOEL:- Oh...
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- Aah! - CHILD SCREAMS
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Oh!
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- That's what I'm talking about. - I know.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36- They do nothing and then right at the last minute... Whoo!- Yes.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Can you find any admiration for 'em?
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Cos they are, they're remarkable creatures, aren't they?
0:04:42 > 0:04:46No. You know the old Robert the Bruce story?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Robert the Bruce saw the spider and it swung...
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- Yeah.- ..and it kept climbing and... if at first -
0:04:51 > 0:04:52d'you know the Robert the Bruce...?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54- SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS:- Yeah. - Oh, yeah.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56No, they... Let me bring it down for the crowd.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58You know Incy Wincy Spider?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00LAUGHTER
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Well, the rain comes down and washes Incy out,
0:05:02 > 0:05:04and when the sun comes out he climbs back up.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05They don't give up.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08It's this idea that they keep fighting. It's like, sort of...
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- Like Gary Barlow.- Yeah.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12LAUGHTER
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- How do you feel about Spider-Man, are you all right with him?- Yeah.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18I feel all right around Spider-Man, yeah.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21We've got some pictures of people fancy-dressing as Spider-Man,
0:05:21 > 0:05:23which I like.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26LAUGHTER
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- That's not good enough, in my opinion.- No.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- SPIDER-BLOKE, that is.- Yeah.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35What about... What about this guy?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:05:38 > 0:05:39Wow.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Now, I think if he walked round the perimeter of a football pitch,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44the fans would chant, "Who ate all the FLIES?"
0:05:44 > 0:05:47LAUGHTER
0:05:47 > 0:05:49APPLAUSE
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Now, let's see what Ian's choice is.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58The film Grease.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01CHEERING AND BOOING
0:06:01 > 0:06:03FRANK LAUGHS
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- I hate that bloody film. - MAN:- Whoo!
0:06:08 > 0:06:10When I was younger, it was... it was all cool
0:06:10 > 0:06:12and John Travolta, who done Night Fever and all that,
0:06:12 > 0:06:14he was a great dancer and it was fine
0:06:14 > 0:06:16cos, you know, when you're growing up, it looked pretty cool.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18They had cars and everything.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20But as you get older, I've got daughters now, I just...
0:06:20 > 0:06:22I was watching it the other day and I thought,
0:06:22 > 0:06:24"I don't like Grease now."
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Um... You know, you've got the girls - really decent.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Olivia Newton-John - gorgeous, beautiful, nice gear,
0:06:28 > 0:06:31nice clothes she's wearing and everything.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33She wanted to get the guy, so in the end,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36she had to dress up in that tight leather, high-heel wearing,
0:06:36 > 0:06:41- red lipstick, smoking, biker chick, to get the bloke.- Mm.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44And I thought to myself, "I don't want my girls to see Grease."
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- WOMAN:- Whoo!
0:06:46 > 0:06:48APPLAUSE Wow.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49So...
0:06:50 > 0:06:52..TELL ME MORE.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55LAUGHTER
0:06:55 > 0:06:58APPLAUSE
0:06:59 > 0:07:01I think it's cos I'm getting older about stuff, like.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03I used to quite like...
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I used to quite fancy... There's a girl who was...
0:07:05 > 0:07:07She thought she was pregnant all the way through the film!
0:07:08 > 0:07:09- Yeah.- Rizzo, weren't it?
0:07:09 > 0:07:11- Yeah, Rizzo.- What's that about?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Oh, come on.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17I've got to tell you, you're going to have to go some to get this in.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I love it. I love it, love it, love it.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22You must like...
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Summer... Summer Nights, do you like that?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Well, to be honest, when I was younger, I got into the songs, man.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- Yeah.- Of course you did, you know what I mean?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31LAUGHTER Yeah, yeah. Come on!
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- "Summer lovin'" and all that. - Oh, that bit where it goes...
0:07:33 > 0:07:37# Summer dreams Ripped at the seams... #
0:07:37 > 0:07:40And-And John Travolta suddenly goes, "Oh."
0:07:42 > 0:07:43I love that!
0:07:43 > 0:07:45And then he goes...
0:07:45 > 0:07:46# Those summer... #
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- And suddenly they become the Bee Gees...- Yeah.
0:07:48 > 0:07:49..and go...
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- # Ni-i-i-i-ights - Ni-i-i-i-ights. #
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Yeah! NOEL LAUGHS
0:07:54 > 0:07:56You must... You must like Greased Lightning.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59The song was great, but, like... there's too much other stuff
0:07:59 > 0:08:01that's going on that I don't like with the film.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03There are good influences.
0:08:03 > 0:08:08I think the whole Greased Lightning sequence sent loads of young boys
0:08:08 > 0:08:09off to join Kwik Fit.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11LAUGHTER
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- Shall we watch Greased Lightning? - Let's watch it.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- Yeah, yeah.- Let's watch a bit cos it's pretty good.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Why couldn't it be Greased Lightning? Greased Lightning!
0:08:19 > 0:08:22# We'll get some overhead lifters and four barrel quads, oh, yeah
0:08:22 > 0:08:25# Keep talking, whoa, keep talking
0:08:25 > 0:08:28# Fuel injection cut-offs Chrome-plated rods, oh, yeah
0:08:28 > 0:08:31# We'll get her ready I'll kill to get her ready
0:08:31 > 0:08:33# With a four-speed on the floor They'll be waiting at the door
0:08:33 > 0:08:36# You know that ain't no shit We'll be getting lots of tit
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- # In Greased Lightning - Go, go, go, go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go
0:08:39 > 0:08:43# Go Greased Lightning You're burning up the quarter mile
0:08:43 > 0:08:46# Greased Lightning Go, Greased Lightning... #
0:08:46 > 0:08:48JOANNA LAUGHS
0:08:48 > 0:08:50CHEERING
0:08:50 > 0:08:51HE CLEARS THROAT
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Wow.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Oh, you know what? I love a bit of GARAGE.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04Also, that car at the end takes off and goes into space.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06- How's that happening?- Yeah, that's a... That's a strange bit.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08- That was the director gone mad, wasn't it?- Yeah.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10You know what the theory is about that?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12You know when he said they were messing around
0:09:12 > 0:09:14and she almost drowned?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- You know that, in the song, at the beginning?- Oh, yeah.- Yeah.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20That she DID drown...and during the bit where she was los...
0:09:20 > 0:09:24h-had no oxygen, she imagined the whole Grease thing,
0:09:24 > 0:09:27and at the end she goes to heaven in a car.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29STILTED LAUGHTER
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Goodnight.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35No, it's a... No, that is a theory.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38- You might have ruined Grease for me. - Oh, don't say that.- Good.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41I think... LAUGHTER
0:09:43 > 0:09:45NOEL LAUGHS
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Could you argue, Ian, that a young person watching that
0:09:49 > 0:09:52learns a lot about teenage love and stuff like that?
0:09:52 > 0:09:55But what I'm saying is it's the way that it transpires
0:09:55 > 0:09:58and how it ends up them being together.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00I mean, she's not pregnant in the end, Rizzo.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03She's not, but they're having sex at school!
0:10:04 > 0:10:06They all look about 37, to be fair.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10There's a thing now, this...
0:10:10 > 0:10:13You might not believe this, but there's a song in Grease
0:10:13 > 0:10:16which I have never been able to sing without crying.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- Right, OK.- And that is...
0:10:18 > 0:10:20- I know it. - Can you guess which one it is?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22- Hopelessly Devoted?- It is.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25I was just singing it at home the other day, and I just...
0:10:25 > 0:10:27I just lost it.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31I was telling the production team about this, and they said,
0:10:31 > 0:10:32- "Try singing it on the show".- Mm.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35And I don't know if it'll work here, obviously, cos I...
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- But shall I give it a go?- Yeah. - AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Sing it from the heart, Frank, that's... Sing it from the heart.
0:10:41 > 0:10:47# Guess mine is not the first heart broken
0:10:47 > 0:10:50# My eyes are not the first to cry
0:10:51 > 0:10:57# I'm not the first to know there's just no getting over you
0:10:59 > 0:11:05# But baby can't you see there's nothing else for me to do?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08# I'm hopelessly devoted to you
0:11:10 > 0:11:13# But now there's nowhere to hide
0:11:13 > 0:11:17# Since you pushed my love aside I'm out of my head
0:11:17 > 0:11:20# Hopelessly devoted to you... #
0:11:20 > 0:11:22You're crying, man.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24# Hopelessly devoted to you... #
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Your eyes are welling... Oh, my God!
0:11:26 > 0:11:28I can't do any more. It's too much.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Oh, well done!
0:11:36 > 0:11:40- I'm going to have to do that thing now that women do.- Yeah.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43OK, so what's Joanna's choice?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53I don't even have to say it, bad toast etiquette.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55APPLAUSE
0:11:55 > 0:11:58I have a thing which is that if...
0:11:58 > 0:12:01If you put your knife into the butter...
0:12:01 > 0:12:05and then you put the butter on the toast...
0:12:06 > 0:12:08..you spread it with that same knife,
0:12:08 > 0:12:10then you go back to the butter...
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- possibly even go into the jam...- Oh.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16..the peanut butter or the Marmite,
0:12:16 > 0:12:20then put that back in the butter, you're going to have crumbs -
0:12:20 > 0:12:23jam, Marmite and peanut butter - or whatever else, in the butter.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27- Yeah.- You're supposed to have a side plate and you put your toast on it.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Then you have your knife, which is for the butter,
0:12:30 > 0:12:34the butter knife, which is only for butter, and then a spoon
0:12:34 > 0:12:37or something else to get it onto your plate, the jam and the stuff.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Put the butter on, then take the butter from the plate
0:12:40 > 0:12:41onto the toast and back again.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42Wow.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44APPLAUSE
0:12:44 > 0:12:46- I'm with you.- Yeah.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47- Yeah, I'm with you.- Yeah, yeah.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- I like that, yeah.- Yeah.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53I must admit, I quite like to see a bit of jam in the butter.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54No.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Looks like a beautiful sunset.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- No.- No?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00I don't believe you. I think you're...
0:13:03 > 0:13:04It is a disgusting sight.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- I don't think it is. - Yeah, it is weird.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07Crumbs particularly.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10I know they're microscopic but there's something really,
0:13:10 > 0:13:13for me, very visceral about it, seeing them there.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16When I put the... Because I do it, that's why I'm being a bit quiet.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17- Oh.- I put the...
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- Here we go.- I don't do the Marmite. I do the jam.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22But what I do, when I do go back into the butter
0:13:22 > 0:13:26after I've been in the jam, I try to go back to where I've left jam
0:13:26 > 0:13:28and take that out of the butter.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31So I'm trying to...
0:13:32 > 0:13:34I'm trying to clean up.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36I'm trying to clean up after myself.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40Anywhere where there's bits of jam, I take that bit of butter.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42You'd be amazing at a murder scene.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Columbo comes in.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48"Hey, who's taken the butter?"
0:13:48 > 0:13:51The thing is that when you're doing that,
0:13:51 > 0:13:55aren't you leaving new crumbs and new jam from your last trip?
0:13:55 > 0:13:56I'm going back. I can't get all of it.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58It's a never-ending process, though.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59You start to think you're...
0:13:59 > 0:14:02You're trying to make it better but make it a little bit worse.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Sometimes you're just burying the crumbs. You're not taking them out.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07So they're under the surface.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Oh!
0:14:09 > 0:14:12My dad, he used to put butter on his hair.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16He'd be in the mirror, ready to go out.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18He'd just reach into the butter.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22And he'd double... Sometimes he'd go back.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25There was hair and dandruff and everything.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Oh!
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Oh! Oh! That's the limit.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30I mean..
0:14:30 > 0:14:32That's double dipping at its worst.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- I tell you what I sometimes use... - Oh, here we go.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38..which definitely helps on this front.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40And that is... I have this knife.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- Wow.- So with this knife, I...
0:14:46 > 0:14:51You know, I put the butter on and...
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Haven't got quite enough. Oh, I can't go back with...
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- I'm already in trouble.- Exactly.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01So now I'm going to go to the jam.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04Yeah.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07LAUGHTER
0:15:09 > 0:15:10- Wow.- All absolutely fine.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12APPLAUSE
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- That's a cool knife.- Yeah.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17You also get jam in the butter, you get butter in the jam.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20It's a two-way street, Joanna.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22It's not a matter of whether you mind.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24It's about consideration for others, isn't it?
0:15:24 > 0:15:28Yes, but I don't get that from my partner.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31My partner insists that all the butter in our house
0:15:31 > 0:15:33is kept in the fridge.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35So it's like...
0:15:35 > 0:15:38It's kind of like cheese when it comes out.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- It's so hard.- I know.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42- So I'm trying to do the... - Yeah.- Yeah.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44- Can't get in. - So I tell you what I...
0:15:44 > 0:15:46It breaks the bread. It breaks the toast. That's a nightmare.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- Yeah.- That's awful. - God, that's a nightmare.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53- I've thrown bread away because it's broken like that.- Me too.- Yeah.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55I've moved house because of that.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58This is what I end up eating, is this.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03- That's a Battenberg.- It looks like a children's drawing of a house.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07It's clear that there's a problem, isn't there?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Because they're trying to invent things that would help sort out
0:16:10 > 0:16:13this massive issue. So it's just...
0:16:13 > 0:16:16What's the solution? Technology hasn't got us there yet.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18I wonder if you could get the jam out of the butter
0:16:18 > 0:16:21with your otherwise unused spider catcher.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27It is, it's a difficult problem,
0:16:27 > 0:16:29and I can tell here people feel your pain.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32OK, so we come to the end of that round
0:16:32 > 0:16:34and I have to make my decision.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38For a start off, I take your point about the lax attitude
0:16:38 > 0:16:43to teenage physical activity in Grease, but as you can see,
0:16:43 > 0:16:45it's a film that's at the very core of my being.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48I didn't realise I was going to get a rendition of the song
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- with you crying and all that. - No, exactly.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52It just killed me.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55No, that was pretty tough. Don't remind me of that again.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58So I can't possibly put that in.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02With the toast thing, I mean, I feel people's concern about it.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05What I do in my house is I have my own butter,
0:17:05 > 0:17:09so I have crumbs, jam, marmite...
0:17:09 > 0:17:13- Yeah.- ..some of my dad's hair. It's fine.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16So I think it's as simple as having two sources of butter.
0:17:16 > 0:17:21Spiders, in a way I admire spiders and respect spiders,
0:17:21 > 0:17:25but I also find myself killing them with sheer terror,
0:17:25 > 0:17:28and I don't like the side that they bring out in me.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31So although we're going to be overrun with insects of all kinds,
0:17:31 > 0:17:33I am going to put spiders into Room 101.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35APPLAUSE
0:17:45 > 0:17:47And so to Ian's choice.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:58 > 0:18:02Honestly, I've had brilliant meals, and afterwards
0:18:02 > 0:18:05they bring the cheeseboard and it just makes me gag.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06It's like, the first guy who...
0:18:06 > 0:18:09He must have been absolutely ravenous,
0:18:09 > 0:18:12starving, to eat cheese that smells like
0:18:12 > 0:18:15some of the cheese that I've smelt when it's come out on the board.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18It's just ridiculous. It's not supposed to be eaten.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I think one day people are going to say, "You know something?
0:18:21 > 0:18:26"Eating all that stinky cheese, you shouldn't have been eating that."
0:18:26 > 0:18:28It's rotten.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31It's supposed to be a sign of, sort of, a cultured a palate,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33isn't it, if you like? Sort of a food connoisseur.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Can't understand how anyone can get it past this part here,
0:18:37 > 0:18:39the nose here, to go into your mouth.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41- You know, I like Manchego. - That smells.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- No, it doesn't smell. - Oh, yeah. Manchego really...
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Manchego does not smell.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Oh, I really don't like the smell of Manchego.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Of all cheeses, I think that does smell nasty.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51No, no, no, man. Not Manchego.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Manchego is a beautiful-smelling cheese.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Join us for Cheese Wars.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59LAUGHTER
0:19:02 > 0:19:04I tell you what doesn't smell.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06The Babybel.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10They smell of life, of pure life,
0:19:10 > 0:19:14and then you can make a small shape out of the wax coat.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- Yeah, that's nice. - That's a good point.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I have some...
0:19:18 > 0:19:21This is called... I'm going to have an attempt.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- ..Epoisses.- Epoisses.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24And this is...
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Yeah, this is like, um...
0:19:28 > 0:19:30like the changing room at school.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34But what I find with this is if you're eating something like...
0:19:34 > 0:19:37I watch quite a lot of zombie movies, and when the zombies appear,
0:19:37 > 0:19:40you just take the lid off
0:19:40 > 0:19:42and it's very, very realistic.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45I've got a bit of a ...
0:19:45 > 0:19:48I'm basically... My dad's French, so my family are French,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50so I'm a bit of a French duke,
0:19:50 > 0:19:55so I have been faced with eating stinky cheese.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57And one cheese that I had to eat, honestly,
0:19:57 > 0:19:59it sent me into the future.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02I was 12 when I tasted it.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04I was 17 when I came to.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08But I love it. I don't know if you've ever been
0:20:08 > 0:20:10into one of those cheese shops where they just sell cheese.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13You do feel like it's quite an exciting...
0:20:13 > 0:20:17The first cheese, I suppose, was brie,
0:20:17 > 0:20:20which now feels pretty normal, but when I first had brie
0:20:20 > 0:20:22I really thought I'd reached... Just the feel of it.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- Yeah.- That sort of...- Velvety.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Oh, I miss Grandma.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33And I like the waxed... This is Gouda, I think.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- Oh, yeah.- But look at that. That's a brilliant...
0:20:36 > 0:20:37That can't smell.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40It's just a massive Babybel, a yellow one.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42That's the mother-ship.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44It's a little bit on the rolly side. Luckily...
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Oh!
0:20:47 > 0:20:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:51 > 0:20:53See, they're very handy, the Dairylea triangles.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55I used to like that. When we were younger,
0:20:55 > 0:20:58I liked the way they fit into that little...all the triangles.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59- That's clever, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02I tell you what you'd like. Trivial Pursuit.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04LAUGHTER
0:21:05 > 0:21:09My favourite cheese experience - this doesn't happen very often -
0:21:09 > 0:21:12but you know when you get the Swiss cheese, like this?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14This is the sliced Leerdammer cheese.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18And occasionally, on a day when the whole world is in sync,
0:21:18 > 0:21:22my patchy thing that I've done from the really hard...
0:21:24 > 0:21:26..fits absolutely.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28APPLAUSE
0:21:32 > 0:21:36OK. So what's Jo's next choice?
0:21:40 > 0:21:41Ooh.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45Numbers. I can't cope with numbers.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48When I hear a number, my brain goes...
0:21:48 > 0:21:50SHE WHIRS AND FIZZES
0:21:50 > 0:21:54..and I just stop listening, and panic.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56And it can be anything.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02It could be money, or it could be,
0:22:02 > 0:22:04you know, speed.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06It could be anything. It's a problem.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08- I mean, it's clearly a problem. - Yeah.- I got...
0:22:08 > 0:22:11For my maths O-level, I got a U.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14I got an unclassified for my maths O-level.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18I mean, I understand the problem that they're setting,
0:22:18 > 0:22:20it's not like I don't understand the problem.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22So if they say, "What is half?"
0:22:22 > 0:22:26I understand what half is. I understand the concept of half.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29It's the number bit that I have a problem with.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Of course, if I let it through there'll be no numbers
0:22:31 > 0:22:33in the world, after they've gone into the room.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35I can see there would be some issues, but...
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Couldn't we go back to abacus?
0:22:40 > 0:22:43And, sort of, you know... Like, it's beads.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45It's more on that side than that side, but you don't give it
0:22:45 > 0:22:47one, two, three, four, five...
0:22:47 > 0:22:50I can see a couple of calculators just edging out by the door.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53The thing that always amazes me is when someone texts you to say their
0:22:53 > 0:22:57baby is born, they all have to say, like, "Nine pounds three ounces."
0:22:57 > 0:22:59They always have to tell you the weight.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Why do they do that?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03No-one would ever say, "I've got a new girlfriend.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05"Nine stone two."
0:23:05 > 0:23:07LAUGHTER
0:23:11 > 0:23:14You would never do that. What is that weird obsession?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- It's true.- Well, the Americans do a bit, though.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19When they describe people they say, "200 pounds."
0:23:19 > 0:23:22You know, they do throw numbers alongside names.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24- I never know what that means. Do you?- No.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27"Got to be 400 pounds, that guy." I just think, "Is that a lot?
0:23:27 > 0:23:31"How big is he? Is he a goblin? What's happening?"
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Did you like charts and all that at school,
0:23:34 > 0:23:36when you used to get graphs and things?
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Well, I mean, I preferred a picture to the number.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Yeah. They sort of appeal to me, pie charts.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Are you familiar with the Meatloaf song?
0:23:45 > 0:23:49# I would do anything for love
0:23:49 > 0:23:52# But I won't do that. #
0:23:54 > 0:23:55They actually, um...
0:23:55 > 0:24:00They took that song lyric and expressed it as a graph.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05LAUGHTER
0:24:05 > 0:24:08APPLAUSE
0:24:08 > 0:24:11OK, so, what is upsetting Noel Fielding?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19What's the point?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21CHEERING
0:24:23 > 0:24:25I mean, what's the point of hangovers?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Why?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30If we just drank five bottles of wine, fell asleep,
0:24:30 > 0:24:34woke up the next day, felt fine, what's the problem with that?
0:24:34 > 0:24:36What is this rubbish about?
0:24:36 > 0:24:39I mean, when I was younger, they were fine.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42My liver the next day would give me a little cheeky warning,
0:24:42 > 0:24:45you know, like a Mogwai. It would go, "Bar-bar-r-r-r."
0:24:45 > 0:24:50Now it comes in like Chewbacca, kicks the door down,
0:24:50 > 0:24:54"Br-r-r-r-r-r-r," gets me in a headlock.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58I mean, I literally am out of the game for three days.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01The only time you think you haven't got a hangover, now,
0:25:01 > 0:25:02you're still drunk.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08I've gone through the night. That's how drunk I was.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11I don't like that fuzzy feeling.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14I'm not a massive drinker, so it doesn't take much for me to...
0:25:14 > 0:25:20the next day, after having a couple the night before, to really...
0:25:20 > 0:25:24And it stays all day, that fuzzy, horrible feeling.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25Drink more water.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- Drink so much water, you know what I mean?- Doesn't work.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Your belly is gushing. Your belly is like, "Blumf, blumf."
0:25:31 > 0:25:34I'm a recovering alcoholic. I'll be upfront about it.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35I used to wet the bed anyway,
0:25:35 > 0:25:40without drinking three pints of water before I went to bed.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44What am I, just trying to take the colour down a couple of shades?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46LAUGHTER
0:25:47 > 0:25:51The trouble is, whenever I talk to people about drinking anecdotes,
0:25:51 > 0:25:53it all starts off all funny
0:25:53 > 0:25:56and then I tell some of my stories, and people just go, "Oh."
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Like, you'll particularly like this one.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02This sort of sums up the show for you.
0:26:02 > 0:26:07I once went on a massive bender for about five days
0:26:07 > 0:26:11and I was lying in bed one morning, and I could see spiders crawling
0:26:11 > 0:26:18about on the ceiling, which were caused by the alcohol in my brain.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20They weren't really there.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23See, you don't get banter like this on Would I Lie To You?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29As you get older they become bleaker and bleaker, the hangovers.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Longer. Like, three-day hangovers.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35That's a holiday, isn't it?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37That's a weekend break.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42People say to me now, they say, if I tell them I haven't drunk...
0:26:42 > 0:26:45I haven't had a drink since September 24th 1986.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Woo! Nice one, man.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49APPLAUSE
0:26:49 > 0:26:51And people say to me, "Oh, well, you know,
0:26:51 > 0:26:54"at least you can remember what you did last night."
0:26:54 > 0:26:55And I say, "Yeah, nothing."
0:26:55 > 0:26:57LAUGHTER
0:27:00 > 0:27:03So have you come up with a cure for a hangover?
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Not really.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08I think what happens is you fight it and fight it and eventually you
0:27:08 > 0:27:12just have to think, "Oh, I'll just lie here and watch Police Academy 5.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17"I won't try and move my arms or legs.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20"Hopefully someone will put a pizza in my face at some point."
0:27:21 > 0:27:24I think the only cure is to just not drink as much.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Yes, I think that's true.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28I guess if you didn't have them then you'd just drink all the time,
0:27:28 > 0:27:30- and it would be ridiculous.- Yes.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32You kind of have to have the high and low, don't you?
0:27:32 > 0:27:33The yin and the yang.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36I think you've just talked me out of putting them into Room 101.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Oh, no.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41Well, the truth is, if hangovers didn't exist,
0:27:41 > 0:27:44if I put them into Room 101, I'd probably start drinking again
0:27:44 > 0:27:48tomorrow and I'd end up on waste ground with 15 carrier bags
0:27:48 > 0:27:50shouting, "I used to be on television."
0:27:52 > 0:27:56Stinky cheese. I, um...
0:27:56 > 0:27:58I think it's all right.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01What you need to do is use your senses individually.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Close down the nose and go for the taste.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06If you get it as far as the mouth it actually tastes all right.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09And also, I don't have many things that make me feel sophisticated, Ian,
0:28:09 > 0:28:12so don't take this away from me, please.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14I don't have a gold tooth.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Numbers. I know it's going to be a bit weird
0:28:18 > 0:28:20if I take all the numbers out of the world,
0:28:20 > 0:28:24but I have struggled with numbers a lot in my life, and we all have.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27- Yeah.- And it is a real problem.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30I wish there'd be some way that we could make it a language thing.
0:28:30 > 0:28:35So I am going to put numbers into Room - what used to be called - 101.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37APPLAUSE
0:28:45 > 0:28:47And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Well done, Noel, you were the most persuasive guest,
0:28:50 > 0:28:52so you are this week's winner.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54APPLAUSE
0:28:55 > 0:28:58Thanks very much, Noel Fielding, Ian Wright and Joanna Scanlan,
0:28:58 > 0:29:00and thank you. Good night.