0:00:26 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:35Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38the show where three guests battle to get the things they hate
0:00:38 > 0:00:41entombed for all eternity in the notorious vault.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44They'll have to argue their case well, because in each round
0:00:44 > 0:00:47only one item can be chosen - the final decision is mine.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Joining me tonight are Citizen Khan Adil Ray,
0:00:52 > 0:00:53model citizen Katie Price,
0:00:53 > 0:00:55and senior citizen Greg Davies.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:09So, time for another edition of the Great British Bellyache Off.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12BELL DINGS OK, so what is Greg's choice?
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Ah, that old chestnut.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30I just think a dog...
0:01:30 > 0:01:32A dog is of limited intelligence.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33It's well-established.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36There's an argument about whether they're sentient beings or not,
0:01:36 > 0:01:38whether they have any awareness of self.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41I can't be bothered to get into that argument.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43They're dogs, OK?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45There are people in my local park
0:01:45 > 0:01:48who are having full conversations with their dogs.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52They're going, "Oh, Coco, don't mess around in that bush",
0:01:52 > 0:01:54and I think, "Coco doesn't know he's in a bush!"
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Coco has no concept of what a bush is.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Coco is just trying to smell other dogs' wee,
0:02:02 > 0:02:05and trying to find something to eat or have sex with.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10There's a woman in my park who walks about five dogs,
0:02:10 > 0:02:15and she's going, "Oh, Lulu, Lulu, don't play with Coco's stick.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16"That's his stick".
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Coco now has some concept of ownership?
0:02:23 > 0:02:25It wasn't his stick anyway. I saw him.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27He picked it up in the park!
0:02:30 > 0:02:34And the same can be applied, while I'm on the subject, to toddlers.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - I don't....
0:02:42 > 0:02:45I've heard mothers in West London talking to two-year-olds going,
0:02:45 > 0:02:47"No, no, no, don't play with that bowl,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49"because you're going to spill food on the floor
0:02:49 > 0:02:51"and someone is going to have to come and clean that up,"
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- and the toddler is going... - GREG GIBBERS
0:02:53 > 0:02:55..because all they've got a concept of
0:02:55 > 0:02:57is something they can ram in their mouth.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00They have no concept of the...
0:03:00 > 0:03:02I'm genuinely furious.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05One of the worst things is
0:03:05 > 0:03:09when people want to say something to their partner,
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- but they say it to the baby... - Yeah.- ..instead.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16So, they say things... "Daddy's a bit grumpy today.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19"I think he might be having an affair".
0:03:20 > 0:03:22I don't like that.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25But at least that's got a purpose to it, Frank.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27At least that's someone communicating
0:03:27 > 0:03:30with an intelligent being via a non-intelligent being.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33If I see a man in a park say to his dog -
0:03:33 > 0:03:35which I have done in the last two weeks -
0:03:35 > 0:03:37"Are you tired?"
0:03:40 > 0:03:43To a dog, "Are you tired?"
0:03:43 > 0:03:47"Are you tired?" is a hair's breadth away from saying to a dog,
0:03:47 > 0:03:49"Will you make me an omelette?"
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Because I live on a farm, we've got three dogs,
0:03:53 > 0:03:56and I have to say, they are very intelligent,
0:03:56 > 0:03:59because they herd the sheep in, they get the geese in,
0:03:59 > 0:04:02and you could say to a dog, "Go and get this, go and get that",
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- and they do get it. - Go and get what, though?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06A Nando's or something?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11But my dogs genuinely are intelligent.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Even if I go, "Kevin", like that,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15he knows to get out the room and go...
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Hold on. Hold on a minute.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23So, one of them is called Kevin?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Yes. Kevin, Trevor and Vera.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31I mean, just to be clear, these are definitely dogs?
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Yeah. In a minute she's going to go, "Oh, no - that's my kids. Sorry".
0:04:35 > 0:04:38You know, there are some people dye their dogs?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41You see people who dye their poodles pink and stuff like this.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- Yeah.- What about this?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49I mean, how would you explain that to the dog?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55I mean, he's just grasped the fact that he's inside a bush.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00My sister and I dressed our dog up in my dad's underpants once,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02when we were kids.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05He had massive white underpants, and we put them on the dog,
0:05:05 > 0:05:06and then we were all laughing.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09We called the rest of the family out and we were all laughing at the dog.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12This sort of contradicts what I've been saying, really,
0:05:12 > 0:05:14because the dog went outside,
0:05:14 > 0:05:17and we were all in hysterics as he went out in the underpants,
0:05:17 > 0:05:21and he turned back and looked at us and he just filled them full of wee.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24I swear he looked at us afterwards and went,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26"Yeah? Funny now, is it?"
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Must remember that as an excuse.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Tell the cleaner I tried them on the dog.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43God, I remember, we had a dog, and it died, which is a sad story,
0:05:43 > 0:05:46and my mum and dad were really, really upset.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50My dad phoned me at work about it, and he was really upset,
0:05:50 > 0:05:53but he said to me, "We let him out last night to do his business
0:05:53 > 0:05:56"and we heard this splashing sound."
0:05:56 > 0:05:58I said, "Well, you would."
0:05:58 > 0:06:01And he said, "No, no, he fell in the pond in the garden."
0:06:01 > 0:06:03He said, "And I had to take him...
0:06:03 > 0:06:06"I had to give him artificial respiration."
0:06:06 > 0:06:09By now, I'm really struggling on the end of the phone.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13- Yeah.- Like, I'm thinking this is getting more funny than tragic.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16And then he said, "We found him this morning lying by the telephone."
0:06:16 > 0:06:20And I said, "Do you think he was trying to phone an ambulance?"
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Didn't go well.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26And so, Katie's choice.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32CHEERING
0:06:32 > 0:06:35APPLAUSE
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Parking does annoy me.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- Mmm.- For one, it's always hard to find a space, and now,
0:06:41 > 0:06:45when you do find a space, say if you want to pop in somewhere
0:06:45 > 0:06:48for literally two minutes, you know, you can't even pay money now.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50You have to phone a number
0:06:50 > 0:06:52and then put in the code for where you are, and you spend, like,
0:06:52 > 0:06:55ten minutes, or whatever, doing that, then giving your credit card,
0:06:55 > 0:06:57and then sometimes it's like, oh, it didn't work,
0:06:57 > 0:06:59and it's all automated.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02So, it's easier just to go in and get a parking ticket.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06It's just like, why can't they just keep it old-fashioned,
0:07:06 > 0:07:09where you put your money in, or make it a credit card machine?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12APPLAUSE
0:07:12 > 0:07:15And then some machines now, you have to put your registration in.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19I don't know my registration off the top of my head.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21So then, what do you do then?
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Look at the car.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25It's normally got it on the front and the back.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:29 > 0:07:31And Dartford Tunnel. You can't just pay.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35You now have to phone up before you go through that,
0:07:35 > 0:07:38and if you don't, then you get a £75 fine.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Are you saying that you occasionally park in the Dartford Tunnel?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47I have massive, massive problems with parking, I must say.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50I'm not very good at it.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51You know, people say to me,
0:07:51 > 0:07:55"Oh, God, I forgot where I parked and I couldn't find the car".
0:07:55 > 0:07:56For me, that doesn't happen.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59I really know the place by the time I've parked.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02I've made friends.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06I've got those things. They just make me really anxious.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08You know when you park in the car and you get that...
0:08:08 > 0:08:11PARKING WARNING BEEPS
0:08:12 > 0:08:15WARNING BEEPS URGENT
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Oh, man! It is a nightmare.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24I don't know why they couldn't make those... I've got those as well...
0:08:24 > 0:08:26why they couldn't have made those bleeps a nice noise.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30Why does it have to be that, "You're nearly there, you're nearly there"?
0:08:30 > 0:08:33# La-la, la-la, la-la... # "Nearly there."
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Why couldn't it be, "Little bit farther. Little bit...
0:08:38 > 0:08:42- "I'd say, what, four inches?" Why couldn't it be...?- Yeah.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Well, let's look at some parking. I think that's always good.
0:08:45 > 0:08:51This is a very clever way of not parking on double yellow lines.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00I think you'd have a pretty good case, wouldn't you, with that one?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Also, this thing on supermarket car parks -
0:09:03 > 0:09:06people will park in the disabled spot,
0:09:06 > 0:09:09or they'll park in a child and adult slot.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11It makes me really angry,
0:09:11 > 0:09:13when there's a much more obvious solution.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20What I wanted to talk about was you -
0:09:20 > 0:09:22we've got a picture of you.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23This is Katie, parked...
0:09:25 > 0:09:26That is a good party bus.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Is that a horsebox?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Yeah, I've got two. That's the big one.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33It's good for nights out when you're with your mates,
0:09:33 > 0:09:34because you play all your music
0:09:34 > 0:09:36and have a drink on the way to wherever you're going
0:09:36 > 0:09:39and on the way back, it's got beds, so you could get in your pyjamas,
0:09:39 > 0:09:41take your make-up off and sleep on the way home.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Do the horses not freak you out a bit?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:48 > 0:09:51OK, so what's winding up Adil?
0:09:54 > 0:09:59- Mine is be... Ooh! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Um, beards. Yes.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05And more importantly, actually, specifically, hipster beards.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- APPLAUSE - Yes, exactly.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11You're talking about these trendy young men you see with the big beards.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13But how can it be trendy, Frank, if everyone is doing it?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16You go to parts of London, it's almost a requirement
0:10:16 > 0:10:18to go to East London that you have to have a beard,
0:10:18 > 0:10:21and I'm not talking about East London where all the Muslims are.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23I'm talking about Shoreditch, you know?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25I think there is also a requirement there to have a beard.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27There is a requirement there!
0:10:27 > 0:10:29I just don't see... You know, if it's supposed to be trendy,
0:10:29 > 0:10:32how can it be trendy if everyone is doing it?
0:10:32 > 0:10:33I just don't get it whatsoever.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35And if it is about Muslims,
0:10:35 > 0:10:37obviously, we've been cool for a number of years.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40That's why we're front page all the time, I guess.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42- Right!- Yeah.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44In case there's anyone watching this, thinking,
0:10:44 > 0:10:46"What on earth is he talking about?
0:10:46 > 0:10:50"Do young men have beards?" They do. It's become incredibly fashionable.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Here's an example of the hipster beards. There you go.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59The guy on the right, I think, has got Beyonce hiding under his beard.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Is it just laziness? Is that all it is, really?
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Is it lazy?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08I think it's partly because the kind of guys who do it,
0:11:08 > 0:11:10they're very modern young men,
0:11:10 > 0:11:14and so, most of the signs of masculinity,
0:11:14 > 0:11:16they're not allowed to show any more.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18You know, if you look at a woman in a short skirt -
0:11:18 > 0:11:21just a slight glance, you're a sicko.
0:11:21 > 0:11:26If you hospitalise somebody on a pub car park,
0:11:26 > 0:11:28you're seen as brutish.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Dog fighting is almost obsolete now.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36So, the beard is one of the last symbols of masculinity
0:11:36 > 0:11:38for these young men, so I think that's what it's about.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41You don't think this is just you, you know,
0:11:41 > 0:11:42getting a bit older and grumpier?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44You're not that old, I know, but...
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I'm not that old! No, it's not that.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50I just don't understand it. I don't get it.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53How can this thing catch on?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55It's a trend, they're supposed to look cool,
0:11:55 > 0:11:56they're supposed to look hip,
0:11:56 > 0:11:59but you can't be, if everyone is looking just like you.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01- My husband has got a beard. - Oh, yes?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03And I find the longer it is, the softer it is,
0:12:03 > 0:12:09but there does get a point when a beard is not nice in certain areas.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Um...
0:12:12 > 0:12:15I really hope you're talking about Essex.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20One of the reasons... I think if you're going out with someone,
0:12:20 > 0:12:23especially if you're just getting together,
0:12:23 > 0:12:25it's quite good to have a beard.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28I've lived with my partner now for many years,
0:12:28 > 0:12:31and we've shared many, many personal moments,
0:12:31 > 0:12:35but I will never let her watch me shave,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38because I don't want her to see my shaving faces.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42You know that... Once someone has seen you going...
0:12:46 > 0:12:48- This is your shaving face?- Yeah.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52They can be a sign of wisdom though, don't you think?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Well, I guess.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56- You know, in the East...- Yes.
0:12:56 > 0:13:02You know, these kind of lovely big, white beards you see on the guru.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05You know, the guru.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06These types.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10You know, you see the bloke sitting there like this.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Well, we've come to the end of that round. Now, then.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28- Decision time.- Yes.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I don't feel I can put trendy beards in,
0:13:31 > 0:13:33because I think it's important that
0:13:33 > 0:13:37young people are allowed to make fools of themselves.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40It's a long, time-honoured tradition.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44People who talk to their dogs as if the dogs can understand them -
0:13:44 > 0:13:47it's really annoying, I know,
0:13:47 > 0:13:50but where would we be without stupid people?
0:13:51 > 0:13:52In our line of work,
0:13:52 > 0:13:57we'd be scratching around for things to poke fun at.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Parking... You're quite right.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02There's so many things wrong with it.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06I was parking recently in Whitstable, and I got...
0:14:06 > 0:14:08There was one space in the whole of the town,
0:14:08 > 0:14:11and I managed to park there, and someone came just...
0:14:11 > 0:14:13and you know when people do that thing, and they say,
0:14:13 > 0:14:16"Are you leaving? Are you leaving?"
0:14:16 > 0:14:18And the joy of going, "No."
0:14:22 > 0:14:24APPLAUSE
0:14:25 > 0:14:28So, for all those many reasons,
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I am going to put parking into Room 101.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- Yay! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Righty-o.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45BELL DINGS
0:14:45 > 0:14:47So, what's upsetting Katie?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Now, when I watch talent shows, it really does annoy me
0:15:04 > 0:15:07when somebody comes on the show to audition,
0:15:07 > 0:15:09and you know already, they're going to be rubbish.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- Mmm.- And they've put them through rather than someone with talent,
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- just to make it TV.- Yes.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Like Britain's Got Talent.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19I love the show, but you know, you get some that come on,
0:15:19 > 0:15:22and you know they're rubbish, but they still put them through and say,
0:15:22 > 0:15:24"Oh, you're really good."
0:15:24 > 0:15:27It's not their fault, though, is it? It's not the rubbish people's fault.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- I suppose it's the TV people.- It's the people who put them through.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Well, you could say it was their fault for being rubbish.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34But they probably think they're really good.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36It's like, just tell them the truth.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Jog on and just get someone on who's better.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42One of the things they feel they have to do now is the sad story.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43I hate sympathy.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46As soon as the violins and bloody panpipes and that come in...
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- Yeah.- ..it's like, "Here we go".
0:15:48 > 0:15:51I could have really done with that when I was going to
0:15:51 > 0:15:56Smethwick supplementary benefit office in the '70s.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59TENDER PIANO MUSIC PLAYS
0:15:59 > 0:16:02The thing is, I am actually looking for work.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04It's just that, you know, it's so difficult.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07There was a job recently, and I really...
0:16:07 > 0:16:11I really wanted it, but, um, I couldn't afford the bus fare.
0:16:11 > 0:16:16So, I know I've been on for nearly four years, but, er...
0:16:17 > 0:16:21..but I am definitely available for work.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22It's a "yes" from me.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26There you go. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Yeah, so sob stories don't work with me either.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31We've all had dramas in our lives.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34So, wouldn't it be nice for someone to get through
0:16:34 > 0:16:36without a panpipe or a violin?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38- Get through because of your talent...- Yeah.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40..not to let people feel sorry for you.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42What if your talent was the panpipes?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47It can be absolutely marvellous, can't it?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50There are moments on it which are great television moments.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- When Rylan found out... - Oh, that was a classic.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56When he found out that he'd gone through to the live shows,
0:16:56 > 0:16:59it's one of the best things that's ever happened on television.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Rylan, it's such a big risk,
0:17:04 > 0:17:07but I have to take it.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10RYLAN SOBS AND CRIES OUT
0:17:29 > 0:17:31You're lying!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Are you serious?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35HE SOBS
0:17:38 > 0:17:41APPLAUSE
0:17:43 > 0:17:47There is a moment in that where he says, "Are you serious?"
0:17:47 > 0:17:49What if she'd gone, "No"?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I get cramp like that when I've had a curry.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01I think one thing that's happened
0:18:01 > 0:18:04that's changed quite a lot in society, you could argue,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07is there was a time you had to be 5' 8" to be a policeman,
0:18:07 > 0:18:11and then they felt that was discrimination against shorter people,
0:18:11 > 0:18:12so they got rid of that.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14And I think there was a time
0:18:14 > 0:18:17when in order to be a celebrity you had to have talent,
0:18:17 > 0:18:21and that was discriminating against a lot of people.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25And now, people, I think, want people who they recognise,
0:18:25 > 0:18:27who are like them.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- You, Katie... - I've got no talent, though.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31No, and I respect you for that.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37You, in many ways, were the trailblazer in this phenomenon.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39I've been doing this for 30 years.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41There's a lot of people out there sick of the sight of me,
0:18:41 > 0:18:44but does that stop me? No.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:48 > 0:18:50OK. Greg's choice.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58APPLAUSE
0:18:58 > 0:19:00I want to make it absolutely clear.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02I'm not having a pop at the people
0:19:02 > 0:19:05who check you in or check you out at hotels.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08People who've welcomed me to hotels, and out of them,
0:19:08 > 0:19:09have always been very lovely.
0:19:09 > 0:19:14- Mmm.- It's the process, and it's how long it takes.
0:19:14 > 0:19:20I don't understand why I have to stand for hours...
0:19:20 > 0:19:22watching someone type.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I've booked a hotel.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28I've given all of my details when I booked the hotel,
0:19:28 > 0:19:30so when I arrive, this is what should happen -
0:19:30 > 0:19:33"Hello." "Hello."
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- "What is your name?" "It's Greg Davies." - MIMICS TYPING CLACK
0:19:36 > 0:19:39"Ah, here's your key. It's up there."
0:19:39 > 0:19:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- I don't know what... - TYPING CLACKS
0:19:46 > 0:19:49"Can you fill this form in?" "No, I've given you the details."
0:19:49 > 0:19:51"Oh, all right, then."
0:19:51 > 0:19:54It took me years of standing there watching
0:19:54 > 0:19:56until I finally looked behind.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58She didn't have a keyboard.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01She had little castanets.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07And checking out...
0:20:07 > 0:20:10I've stopped checking out, and I encourage...
0:20:10 > 0:20:12I want the nation to join me.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14You don't have to check out.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- No.- What?!- I walk past now... - I agree.- I agree.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I walk past the desk with my card, I put it on the side,
0:20:19 > 0:20:21and you can see them go...
0:20:21 > 0:20:25ready with the castanets, and I go, "Bye."
0:20:26 > 0:20:30"Are you checking out?" I go, "I just have!"
0:20:30 > 0:20:33APPLAUSE
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Even better, you don't even have to give them the card.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38You can just walk straight out.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Oh, no. You've got to give them the card.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- Why have you got to give them the card?- Recycling.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47Every time you don't hand back a hotel card,
0:20:47 > 0:20:48a dolphin dies.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52The worst thing is, when you do check in,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55and you've had all that rigmarole of checking in, you get your card,
0:20:55 > 0:20:57you're on the 17th floor, you queue up for the lift,
0:20:57 > 0:21:00you get in the lift, you eventually get to the 17th floor,
0:21:00 > 0:21:03you find the room - it's always very confusing which way is your room -
0:21:03 > 0:21:07you get to the door, and the key doesn't work!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- Yeah.- How many times has that happened? Oh!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12APPLAUSE
0:21:13 > 0:21:17I fear it's going to happen a lot more for us after tonight.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20I've got so many problems with hotels, I tell you.
0:21:20 > 0:21:25The duvets are the thinnest duvets anyone has ever...
0:21:25 > 0:21:28It's like sleeping under low-lying cloud.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Tell you what I don't like, though.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I don't like turning the... trying to run a bath,
0:21:33 > 0:21:37turning the single tap and getting my arm soaked by the shower.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39That's so true.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43I don't like trying to plug my phone in at night to charge it,
0:21:43 > 0:21:47- and the only socket being near the corridor.- The other side.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51I hate that thing when there are things out -
0:21:51 > 0:21:53chocolate and fruit -
0:21:53 > 0:21:56and you're not quite sure whether they're free.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59The anxiety...
0:21:59 > 0:22:02I will say to the man, "Are these things free?"
0:22:02 > 0:22:07and if I'm with my girlfriend, she's always going... but I need to know.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11What I don't like is when they say, "Can I help you with your luggage?"
0:22:11 > 0:22:15so they carry it, and then they want, like, £2 or £3 tip.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18You're not helping me, are you? That's not help.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19I don't call that help.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21They're basically saying,
0:22:21 > 0:22:25"I'll show you how to open and close your curtains if you give me £3".
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Or £5, depending on who the person is.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- Yeah.- £3 is a bit mean, innit?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Well, I stay at quite small hotels, generally.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38No, I do, because they're more excited to have me.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44So, Adil's choice.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- AUDIENCE:- Ooh... - Ooh!
0:22:52 > 0:22:55I knew this wasn't going to be popular, but it is ketchup.
0:22:55 > 0:23:00I just find the thing vile. It's so overpowering.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01I mean, it's like, you know,
0:23:01 > 0:23:04I don't see the point of having any food at all -
0:23:04 > 0:23:05just have the ketchup,
0:23:05 > 0:23:09because it takes over the flavour of any chips you might get.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12I mean, that's the reason why you go to a late night kebab joint
0:23:12 > 0:23:14and he'll make sure he's put lots of ketchup on it,
0:23:14 > 0:23:16because he doesn't want to let you taste
0:23:16 > 0:23:18how badly prepared the food is.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20I just think it's a real vile, vile thing
0:23:20 > 0:23:23that overtakes and overpowers decent, quality food.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Either you should eat better or not eat ketchup.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Wow! FAINT APPLAUSE
0:23:31 > 0:23:34No real enthusiasm with that applause.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36The trouble is with this is
0:23:36 > 0:23:40that ketchup tastes better than most food.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Well, eat better food!
0:23:42 > 0:23:44No. There is no better food.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46There is better food! Cook better.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49I don't think, "Oh, I fancy some chips."
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- I think, "I fancy some ketchup." - Just have the ketchup!
0:23:52 > 0:23:55What am I going to use to transport it to my mouth?
0:23:57 > 0:24:01I think the mistake people make is that they put it on fast food.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05They put it on chips and burgers and stuff, and they taste great anyway.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09What you need to do is put it on healthy food, which tastes terrible.
0:24:09 > 0:24:14Let me give you... If you took, like, a healthy plate of stuff,
0:24:14 > 0:24:18like lettuce and stuff, nobody likes that.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Nobody.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22But, you take lettuce, you put a bit of ...
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- Ugh.- There you go. Better.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Oh, dear!
0:24:29 > 0:24:32What have you become, Mr Skinner?
0:24:32 > 0:24:33- That's really nice.- Oh!
0:24:35 > 0:24:38APPLAUSE
0:24:40 > 0:24:41My mother, she's a real good cook
0:24:41 > 0:24:44and if you know anything about Asian cooking, it takes such a long time,
0:24:44 > 0:24:48it's delicate, and it's all the spices, all the preparation.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51You marinate it, you leave it in the fridge for four hours.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53She does this, and she loves doing it,
0:24:53 > 0:24:55and she'll do this all day, and the family will come round,
0:24:55 > 0:24:58my uncles and my cousins will come round.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00She'll bring out this biryani and samosas
0:25:00 > 0:25:02and these lovely, fine kebabs,
0:25:02 > 0:25:04serve onto the table, they'll turn around and go,
0:25:04 > 0:25:07"Oh, they're nice. Have you got any ketchup?"
0:25:07 > 0:25:09I mean, that's horrible! My poor mother slaves,
0:25:09 > 0:25:12and they just want to devour this thing with ketchup!
0:25:12 > 0:25:15I don't use condiments much, because I'm a Catholic.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20We have a clip.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23There was a competition staged
0:25:23 > 0:25:26to come up with an inventive way of putting ketchup on food
0:25:26 > 0:25:29and two American guys came up with this.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31This is pretty impressive stuff.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02APPLAUSE
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Fine dining at its best, isn't it?
0:26:07 > 0:26:11When you put ketchup on chips, do you go all over the chips,
0:26:11 > 0:26:14or are you one of those people who does a little pool at the side?
0:26:14 > 0:26:16- On the side, a little pool. - Oh, do you?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- Always on the side. - You've really got sophisticated.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- But not on shepherd's pie and that. Then that goes over it.- No.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24You see, I love going all over the chips,
0:26:24 > 0:26:27and then I'll look and there's the chip that's completely covered,
0:26:27 > 0:26:30- the one that's completely escaped it.- Yeah.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33But the people who put it... I don't like...
0:26:33 > 0:26:35This is the sort of thing we're talking about.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37You put it on the side like this.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40If I've got egg and chips and that, then I'll do that, yeah.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43To me, this looks like an artist's palette, you know,
0:26:43 > 0:26:45with the pool of... You could imagine,
0:26:45 > 0:26:48if you could get your thumb through the...
0:26:50 > 0:26:52You could paint.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55See if I can...
0:26:58 > 0:27:01So, you could actually... You could paint.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08This won't take a minute. I do this quite a lot at home.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Hold it. Just the finishing touch.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15What do you think?
0:27:16 > 0:27:18APPLAUSE
0:27:18 > 0:27:20- Not bad.- Very good.
0:27:20 > 0:27:25And in fact, just for you, just to make it that little bit...
0:27:25 > 0:27:30- You can have this for your home, Adil.- Oh, thank you very much.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Very cool. Very cool.
0:27:35 > 0:27:36OK.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38So, we come to the end,
0:27:38 > 0:27:41and I can't put ketchup in.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45I just can't put ketchup in, because it brings such joy to the people,
0:27:45 > 0:27:49and your basic argument seemed to be that you don't like it.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Yeah!
0:27:53 > 0:27:58Katie, I cannot put people without talent on talent shows in,
0:27:58 > 0:28:01because you're such good company.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08No, I think part of the joy of it is seeing people who are...
0:28:08 > 0:28:09It's like a karaoke night.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Some people are brilliant and some people are terrible,
0:28:11 > 0:28:14and I like that mix, I must say.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18But, Greg, I don't see why we can't just walk in, press a button,
0:28:18 > 0:28:21go to our rooms, walk out, press a button and leave.
0:28:21 > 0:28:22Wouldn't life be simpler?
0:28:22 > 0:28:25And then, the people at the desk would be able to do
0:28:25 > 0:28:27more fun and interesting things...
0:28:27 > 0:28:30- I agree.- ..than badger us for our personal details.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33- So, I am going to put check-ins and check-outs...- Yes!
0:28:33 > 0:28:35..into Room 101.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:44 > 0:28:47And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49Well done, Greg, you were the most persuasive guest,
0:28:49 > 0:28:52- so you are this week's winner. - Thank you.- Well done.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:55 > 0:28:59Thanks very much, Greg Davies, Katie Price and Adil Ray,
0:28:59 > 0:29:01and thank you, goodnight.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE