0:00:27 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38the show where three guests compete to cast their biggest gripes
0:00:38 > 0:00:40deep into the gloomy vault.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43They'll have to argue their case well, because in each round
0:00:43 > 0:00:46only one item can be chosen - the final decision is mine.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Joining me tonight are Happy Mondays' Shaun Ryder,
0:00:51 > 0:00:53took her for a drink on Tuesday Meera Syal,
0:00:53 > 0:00:56and we were making love by Wednesday Sam Simmons.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:07All right, then. So, may the best moan win.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08BELL DINGS
0:01:08 > 0:01:11OK. So, what is Shaun's choice?
0:01:16 > 0:01:19- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Meeting new people.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Do you know what, Frank? It's not even new people, it's people.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27It's anyone, even my family.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Even my best mates, my next-door neighbours, people in Tesco.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31Anyone. Can do without it.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34I could live on an island really easily, on my own.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37- Wow.- Just with a television to argue with.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41But you must meet loads of new...
0:01:41 > 0:01:43I mean, tonight, I'd never met you before.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- I don't know if you guys... - No, we have met before.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47- Have we?- Yeah.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49That's how interesting it was.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50LAUGHTER
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Oh, I forgot that, Shaun. Sorry.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Because I was quite excited about meeting you tonight.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58- Was I drinking at the time? - Er... Can't remember. I was.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Was it you, or Trevor McDonald? Can't remember.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Didn't recognise me without the spectacles.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- Do you drink now? - Not really. Not any more.
0:02:13 > 0:02:18I sort of went out when I was 20, didn't come home till I was 40,
0:02:18 > 0:02:22and then stopped drinking, and never really spoke to anyone since.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24- MAN IN AUDIENCE:- Legend!
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- What was that?- He's a legend!
0:02:27 > 0:02:30You're a legend, apparently.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Well, he loves you...
0:02:31 > 0:02:34but you wouldn't want to meet him, am I right?
0:02:34 > 0:02:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:40 > 0:02:43How are you with fans? Because obviously, you...
0:02:43 > 0:02:44Well, that's part of the job.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47You just go, "All right, mate? Yeah, nice one,"
0:02:47 > 0:02:49and then sign something, have a selfie and move on.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52You don't have to have a huge conversation with them, do you?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- No.- If they do, just... "See you."
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Yeah.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59We have a clip.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Do you know who Liam Payne is? He's in One Direction.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Oh, right. OK.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07This was shot on a fan's phone,
0:03:07 > 0:03:10and it's this thing where he smiles for the pictures,
0:03:10 > 0:03:13but it's the way the smile disappears, is dramatic.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Yeah, most people in television are like that...
0:03:26 > 0:03:27- Yes...- ..Frank.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35On the thing of people with their fans, this is Olly Murs.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Do you know, I remember doing that once - signing someone's breast -
0:03:43 > 0:03:46and the woman said to me, "It's not for me, it's for my dad."
0:03:46 > 0:03:49LAUGHTER
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I'll never know if it was a joke or not.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- I hope so.- Hope so.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59I've been watching for it on Jeremy Kyle ever since.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01How is this going to carry on, Shaun?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03You don't want to be lonely in later life.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05I'm not lonely. I love myself.
0:04:06 > 0:04:11I love my own company, and my shrink. Talk to him.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- OK.- That's all I need.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Television to shout at, psychiatrist and me.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Let's role-play. Let's say we've just met. You ready?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25- Hey, Shaun.- All right, mate.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28You, er...
0:04:30 > 0:04:32..up to much?
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Not really.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36See you.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Now, that's how I like it.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43People who turn on now will think it's Coronation Street.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48I must admit, I can sympathise.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51I've started to get a bit like that as I've got older.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- Maybe it's a sort of grumpy old man...- Yeah.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- Do you have a smartphone?- Yeah.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58- See, I don't even like... You know Siri?- Yeah.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00You know that voice that comes on?
0:05:00 > 0:05:04And it says, "Hello, Frank," and I always think, "You don't know me."
0:05:05 > 0:05:08I like her. I've had a lot of chats with Siri.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Did you say "her"?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12- Siri is a girl. - Oh, no, I've got the male Siri.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14I've got a female Siri.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Oh, no, I couldn't have a female Siri.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- Don't think that would work. - Oh, right.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20I'd be saying, "Where's the nearest Chinese restaurant?"
0:05:20 > 0:05:23She'd say, "What, you're going out again?!"
0:05:23 > 0:05:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:30 > 0:05:32The master of this is the Queen, isn't it?
0:05:32 > 0:05:38Imagine being the Queen, who meets, like, 30,000 new people every year.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Here she is, meeting people.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42It's me!
0:05:42 > 0:05:44AUDIENCE GROANS
0:05:44 > 0:05:47I know, my hair... I was going through a midlife crisis.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48- That is you?- Wow.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Yes. Those gloves were white before she shook hands with me.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Oh, look, and there's Mike Baldwin in the background.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Yeah, Mike Baldwin. Well spotted.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06There, you have someone from Salford.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09The Queen... The QUEEN is at the front and he's saying,
0:06:09 > 0:06:12"Oh, there's Mike Baldwin, look."
0:06:17 > 0:06:19OK. So what is Meera's choice?
0:06:26 > 0:06:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:33 > 0:06:35They like that.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38It drives me nuts.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41I was sitting behind a couple of young people -
0:06:41 > 0:06:44I suppose my definition would be anybody under 25 -
0:06:44 > 0:06:47and the conversation went something like,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50"So I was, like, no, and he was, like, yeah, and I was, like,
0:06:50 > 0:06:54"whatever, and I was, like, no, and he was, like, yeah."
0:06:54 > 0:06:55I'm sat there thinking,
0:06:55 > 0:06:57I don't actually know what any of that was about.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00There wasn't any nouns in it.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Wasn't any verbs in it, I don't think.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06It's become this all-purpose filler word which means nothing.
0:07:06 > 0:07:11It's robbing us of all our descriptive uses of this beautiful language, which it is,
0:07:11 > 0:07:15and it makes people sound really thick, when they're not.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:22 > 0:07:24You've got the crowd on your side.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28It's a sort of cue for acting, isn't it?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31It's sort of saying, "I'm about to...
0:07:31 > 0:07:34"So, yeah, so she told me, and I was, like..."
0:07:36 > 0:07:38So it's a bit of a... They're saying,
0:07:38 > 0:07:42"I can't exactly represent what I did, but I was LIKE this..."
0:07:44 > 0:07:45So I think you could say they're
0:07:45 > 0:07:49trying to make the scene that they're describing more vivid.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53- How does that sound?- Except, most people are very bad actors.- Yes.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- So that doesn't really work. - Most actors, even.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Indeed. I absolutely agree.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00So, let's hear an example of this phenomenon.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02This is a young woman in a car
0:08:02 > 0:08:06talking to a sort of boyfriend/friend.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Yeah, so, like, I was never, like, really too, like,
0:08:10 > 0:08:13concerned with, like, you know, dating you.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I was just, like, you know, we're friends, whatever,
0:08:16 > 0:08:19like, whatever happens, happens, and, like, I obviously have, like,
0:08:19 > 0:08:21strong feelings for you as my, like, best friend.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25Like, I definitely, like, want to, like, try it out,
0:08:25 > 0:08:28like, you know, see, like, how it can go, cos, like,
0:08:28 > 0:08:32if we can make a relationship happen, like, that would be awesome.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37I'm sure that cleared the air. Good communication going on.
0:08:37 > 0:08:38Well, yeah.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42He's just thinking, "Like, I want to get in your kecks, like.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46"I'm not really bothered what you're saying."
0:08:46 > 0:08:48I bet you he's not thinking "kecks".
0:08:50 > 0:08:52But that thing about comparison -
0:08:52 > 0:08:55in football commentary they'll say this thing, like,
0:08:55 > 0:08:58"Of course England up front, they've got people like Wayne Rooney,
0:08:58 > 0:09:00"and, er, people like Raheem Sterling,"
0:09:00 > 0:09:03and I thought, they haven't got people LIKE them.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07- That's them!- Yeah.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09You would never use that in any other context.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11You'd say, you know,
0:09:11 > 0:09:14"I've been on a couple of holidays with people like my wife."
0:09:14 > 0:09:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:22 > 0:09:26OK. Let's have a look at Sam's choice.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Holding hands.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- AUDIENCE:- Aww...- What?- Oh...
0:09:33 > 0:09:36No, I'll give you an example. I'll give you an example, OK?
0:09:36 > 0:09:39No, wait, wait. Just wait. This is good. OK.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42The example is, you know when you're walking down a very narrow footpath
0:09:42 > 0:09:46and you see a loved-up couple walking towards you holding hands?
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Now, a decision has to be made as to who is going to stand
0:09:49 > 0:09:52in the gutter of despair and loneliness, OK?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Why should I be standing in the gutter of despair and loneliness
0:09:54 > 0:09:57whilst you're walking past me with your bloody love? Yeah?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59And if I was a single man of one, you look at them
0:09:59 > 0:10:01and you're thinking, you know what?
0:10:01 > 0:10:03They've got a double disposable income,
0:10:03 > 0:10:05so they're making more money than me as well.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07My wife has just gone back to Australia.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09I went to Tesco the other day to buy myself
0:10:09 > 0:10:12all the ingredients for Amatriciana pasta. Cost me £42.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15You could at least give me a little bit of concrete!
0:10:17 > 0:10:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:20 > 0:10:22No?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25The only thing about holding hands for me is,
0:10:25 > 0:10:28if you're a little boy and you need to cross a street, you hold hands.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32If you're a little old lady, you need help across the street, you hold hands.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35So you do it on the way in and you do it on the way out.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36It's interesting you say that,
0:10:36 > 0:10:42because I used to hold hands with my partner quite regularly,
0:10:42 > 0:10:47and I've noticed since I've gone grey, we don't hold hands any more.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Because it does, it looks like I'm being helped.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54See, I love seeing an older couple holding hands.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58There's nothing sweeter than this little old grey-haired couple sort of tottering...
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Yeah, they're on their way out. It's fine.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04One of my pet hates is,
0:11:04 > 0:11:07sometimes you'll see a couple holding hands across a table...
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- No.- ..like that. Sitting, just looking at each other.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11That, I struggle with.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Unless you're both on the back legs of your chair
0:11:14 > 0:11:17and leaning right back and doing that...
0:11:19 > 0:11:21I have a picture of a couple.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23This is not exactly holding hands,
0:11:23 > 0:11:29but it's a kind of intimacy, which I find strangely rewarding.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42That's usually me, but with my hands down my own kecks.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48To be fair, that's actually a ventriloquist act
0:11:48 > 0:11:49I worked with in the '80s.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55This is a couple that were buried 700 years ago,
0:11:55 > 0:11:59and they found the skeletons of this couple, and they were holding hands.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04The interesting thing is, the woman is yawning.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10But, yeah, they were holding hands.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- There's something beautiful about that, Sam, is there not?- Yeah.
0:12:13 > 0:12:18That? There's nothing beautiful about that at all. Look at it!
0:12:18 > 0:12:21The idea of continuing love, is what I meant.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23OK. No.
0:12:25 > 0:12:30I'll tell you what. I have a three-year-old now, and now,
0:12:30 > 0:12:34instead of holding hands with my girlfriend, he's in the middle.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35So, we hold hands with...
0:12:35 > 0:12:38you know, I hold one of his hands and she holds the other hand.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41And that is just the sort of distance you need
0:12:41 > 0:12:44when you've been in a long-term relationship.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45A bit of space.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49But something that's never mentioned is that single parents,
0:12:49 > 0:12:51that swinging thing you do with kids...
0:12:51 > 0:12:52How are you going to do that?
0:12:52 > 0:12:55If you're a single parent - I've seen single parents falling over
0:12:55 > 0:12:57trying to do them between their legs.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00And I came up with a gadget.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03It's a shopping trolley for single parents.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18APPLAUSE
0:13:21 > 0:13:23My kids won't hold hands with me.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26No. They just run off.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27How old are they?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Er, the ones at home are six and seven.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32- And they won't hold your hand?- No.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Too busy running in and out of the road.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42OK. So, I don't think I can put holding hands in, Sam.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- OK.- I mean, it can make me nauseous,
0:13:45 > 0:13:47especially when they won't separate, as you say,
0:13:47 > 0:13:49and you have to go round.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51But in the early days of a relationship,
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- it can be a very lovely thing.- OK.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Meeting new people, I'm very tempted by this one.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- Go on, stick it in. - But, um ...
0:14:03 > 0:14:07That's what I used to say when I met new people, in the old days.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11But people who overuse the word "like" -
0:14:11 > 0:14:14at first I wasn't certain, but then the people have spoken.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17You got such a response when you said that.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19- Clearly, there is a... - There's a movement.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Yeah, there is. There's a bubbling under.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24So, I am going to put people who overuse the word "like"
0:14:24 > 0:14:28- into Room 101.- Well done. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Well done, Meera.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39OK.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41BELL DINGS
0:14:41 > 0:14:45So, off we go. Let's see what's winding up Meera.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Oh, good.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57You're on a roll. Tell me more.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00These are makeover programmes.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03It's usually a woman, and they take her away
0:15:03 > 0:15:09and they transform her into the swan that she apparently wants to be.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- Yes.- And we're not talking about a little nip and tuck here.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16This is extreme - months of surgery, facial reconstruction,
0:15:16 > 0:15:19getting all your teeth taken out and put back in...
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- Had that done.- ..extreme dieting.
0:15:21 > 0:15:27And at the end of it, these women, that had issues of all kinds,
0:15:27 > 0:15:30come out at the end apparently happier,
0:15:30 > 0:15:33but looking basically like '70s porn stars.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Well, let's not knock that.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- I mean, The Swan is the classic example of this.- Right.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45We've got a bit of a before-and-after thing.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49This is Christina before she went on The Swan.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52OK? And this is Christina after.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55- Wow.- You say, "Wow,"
0:15:55 > 0:15:58but hasn't she taken her glasses off...
0:15:58 > 0:16:00LAUGHTER
0:16:02 > 0:16:03..and then let her hair down?
0:16:03 > 0:16:06That's basically what's occurred there, hasn't it?
0:16:06 > 0:16:10I'm going to do a makeover show called Here's A Comb, Now Get Out.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17My issue with these programmes is that actually, not only...
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Firstly, it's a standard
0:16:19 > 0:16:22and a vision of what women should look like,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25which just isn't anywhere near achievable
0:16:25 > 0:16:28without loads and loads of money and intense grooming,
0:16:28 > 0:16:31which most people can't achieve.
0:16:31 > 0:16:36So, are you saying that unless you look like this idealised version,
0:16:36 > 0:16:38we're all ugly and we're never going to have a happy life?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41And the other issue is that for a lot of these women,
0:16:41 > 0:16:43they don't actually need the surgery.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45What most of them need is a therapist,
0:16:45 > 0:16:46because all the issues they've got
0:16:46 > 0:16:51are actually much more about their self-esteem than the nose job.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53APPLAUSE
0:16:54 > 0:16:56I had Botox. I went to the dentist...
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- Oh, did you?- ..to get some nerves sorted out,
0:16:58 > 0:17:01and while I was there I went, "Give me some of that Botox."
0:17:01 > 0:17:03So, he did. Stuck a load of pins in me.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07I went home, no-one could tell the sodding difference!
0:17:07 > 0:17:11Well, you've never been a man who was afraid of experimentation.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14You, if you don't mind me saying, your teeth weren't...
0:17:14 > 0:17:16They weren't so good as they are now.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Well, it was fantastic at one time,
0:17:18 > 0:17:23then about ten years ago, they all fell out, so I got some new ones.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24We've got a shot of your old teeth.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- Oh, yeah. - Just for old time's sake.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- Yeah.- They look better now, I must say.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- Well, they will do.- Yeah.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38I'd like to know how it felt, because I went... I've got...
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- I was heavily sedated, Frank.- Yes.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43But that's enough about the '90s.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I just worry you might...
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Because those teeth that you had before
0:17:54 > 0:17:56were sort of part of the Shaun Ryder character.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Well, they only were there for, like, you know...
0:17:58 > 0:18:00I made sure I got them done pretty quick.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03They sort of literally fell out overnight,
0:18:03 > 0:18:06after spending a while in Australia.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Yeah. Do you think it was being upside down?
0:18:11 > 0:18:14It was either that or the crystal meth.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:18 > 0:18:20One thing you've never heard said about crystal meth
0:18:20 > 0:18:22is that it's bad for your teeth.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25What about this guy?
0:18:25 > 0:18:29This guy, he had the pec implants and he had the muscles done,
0:18:29 > 0:18:31and I think he looks fantastic.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34MEERA GASPS, AUDIENCE GROANS
0:18:36 > 0:18:38No!
0:18:39 > 0:18:41- Oh...- Wow.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43But what's that thing up there? What are they?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I think that's the cigarettes he got at duty free.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51If he went through customs, you'd be very, very suspicious.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53It actually looks like
0:18:53 > 0:18:56someone has put Homer Simpson's face on his torso.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07I don't know if you've seen this.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10You don't have to go to the surgeon to get more youthful.
0:19:10 > 0:19:15This is a Japanese face-slimming exercise mouthpiece.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17- What?- And...
0:19:17 > 0:19:19I'm glad you told us what it was,
0:19:19 > 0:19:21because my mind was going through all kinds of...
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Well, it is tonight!
0:19:25 > 0:19:28What you have to do, it fights wrinkles around your eyes
0:19:28 > 0:19:31and helps shape the overall look of your face.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34And so, it keeps you more youthful and vibrant,
0:19:34 > 0:19:37and when you do it, you're supposed to make vowel sounds.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39That's the idea. So you put it in.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Ah, ah, ah, eh, eh, eh, ah, ah,
0:19:47 > 0:19:50ah, oh, oh, oh, oh...
0:19:50 > 0:19:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:55 > 0:19:57OK. What's Sam's choice?
0:20:03 > 0:20:07I've got no time for boisterous whistling whatsoever. OK?
0:20:07 > 0:20:11If you're boisterously whistling, it sounds like you're hiding a secret.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13It's kind of sinister. Do you know what I mean?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15You know who holds secrets? The milkman.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18What does the milkman do? He whistles. He's got secrets.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20What whistles? Kettles whistle,
0:20:20 > 0:20:23birds whistle, cartoon dwarfs...
0:20:23 > 0:20:25What else whistles?
0:20:25 > 0:20:29Overconfident men and the Dutch. The Dutch love a whistle.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- Do they?- They do. They whistle all the time.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34You've been over there quite a bit, I can imagine.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38They whistle a lot, and it's always a non-descript tune as well, like...
0:20:38 > 0:20:41HE WHISTLES TUNELESSLY
0:20:42 > 0:20:43It's not even any song.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46It's just really annoying whistling on their weird bikes.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48That's why joined the Nazis.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52They weren't concentrating, because they were whistling.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53I've just got no time for it.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56I don't know whether something weird happened to me as a young boy
0:20:56 > 0:20:58with a loud whistle, but there's just something about it.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Can anyone do a big man whistle in here?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02It always really intimidates me.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- BIG WHISTLE - There you go.- Whoa!
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- WHISTLING CONTINUES - All right, that's enough.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09No, that's actually R2-D2 drunk.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14- Can you do it, Shaun?- Me? No.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Don't want you to blow your teeth out.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21I remember people on talent shows whistling. Wasn't that a thing?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- Yes! Do you remember Ronnie Ronalde? - Was that him?
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- What was he, a champion whistler? - He was a stage whistler.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30I was so impressed by him I used to buy Ronnie Ronalde records
0:21:30 > 0:21:32and I used to... You know people play air guitar?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34I used to do air whistling.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Look, I'll give you a...
0:21:37 > 0:21:41WHISTLING RECORD PLAYS
0:21:49 > 0:21:51That was him.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- One of the problems with it is you have to do that.- Mmm.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04Which looks a bit rubbish, but there is a way round this.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07This is a guy from the '80s.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09He was on a show called Kelly and Company,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12and he kind of developed his own whistling style.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- This is remarkable. - Is this a whistling anus?
0:22:15 > 0:22:17No!
0:22:26 > 0:22:29WHISTLING
0:22:46 > 0:22:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Right. Well, I know Shaun has been looking forward to this one.
0:22:53 > 0:22:54Oh, yeah!
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Well, I'm definitely not going to win this, am I?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Football talk...
0:23:07 > 0:23:11and all the fools that write songs about it.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13LAUGHTER
0:23:15 > 0:23:17What don't you like about football talk?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Oh, come on! It's broken biscuits. It's gaga.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23It's just... It's just... It doesn't even make sense.
0:23:23 > 0:23:28"Down the middle, down the middle, Rooney." What? Oh.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31"Van Gaal, Van Gaal, bluh, bluh!"
0:23:31 > 0:23:34"Did you watch the game?" "I listened to it. Listened to it.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36"They went down. They scored, they scored, they scored,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39"and I turned it off." It's just...
0:23:39 > 0:23:42No, don't.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Do you know what? I walk away from them.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47I walk away from anything like that. I got in the taxi, right, in Camden.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50I jumped in. The geezer goes,
0:23:50 > 0:23:52"So, where are we?"
0:23:52 > 0:23:54I went, "Where are we? You're a taxi driver! In Camden!"
0:23:54 > 0:23:58He went, "No, in the league, in the league! Come on, you reds!"
0:23:58 > 0:24:01How the bleeding hell should I know? Do I look like a football fan?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Well, hold on a minute... LAUGHTER
0:24:06 > 0:24:10Why don't we talk about science-fiction movies or something,
0:24:10 > 0:24:12or Clint Eastwood films, you know?
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- Mmm.- Something right-on.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19I must admit, I talk about both of those as well.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- And you write songs about it. - Yeah, yeah. I know.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24You never shut up about it, Frank.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26All right!
0:24:26 > 0:24:27You're going on a bit yourself!
0:24:29 > 0:24:33When my son was born, my girlfriend went into labour,
0:24:33 > 0:24:36I had to drive her across town at, like, three o'clock in the morning.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Her waters had broke and stuff, and she was in the car going,
0:24:40 > 0:24:42"Argh! Argh!" Like, really...
0:24:42 > 0:24:46And we got into the hospital, and we went into a lift,
0:24:46 > 0:24:50and she was on the floor, I mean, "Argh!"
0:24:50 > 0:24:53And this porter got in the lift. She's there screaming, and he said,
0:24:53 > 0:24:56"So, what do you think about the new England manager?"
0:24:56 > 0:24:58- LAUGHTER - Yeah.
0:24:58 > 0:25:03And the thing was, I had some really good opinions.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05I really wanted to talk about it,
0:25:05 > 0:25:08but I thought, "Maybe this is a mistake."
0:25:08 > 0:25:10So I do know what you mean.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14I think you might like this clip.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16This is non-league football.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20This is Wealdstone versus White Hawks, and this is a guy -
0:25:20 > 0:25:25he's become slightly legendary - known as the Wealdstone Raider.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- Right.- Do you know him?
0:25:27 > 0:25:30- Yeah.- I think this is the sort of thing that might draw you...
0:25:30 > 0:25:35- Has he got a baseball bat with him? - ..draw you into it. He may have.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Have a look at this.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40You've got no fans. You've got no ground.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43The Hawks are playing well, I'm telling you.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44- You want some?- Eh?
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- You want some? - Well, the Hawks are playing well.
0:25:47 > 0:25:48You want some, or what?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51They're fantastic. They're fantastic.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53If you want some, I'll give it you.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Now, I would talk to him.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04You lived in Australia for a little bit. You were in Perth.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Did you check out any Australian rules football?
0:26:06 > 0:26:07- No.- Because that vernacular is fun.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11- No, I went and got off my face with the Aborigines.- Did you?
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- Did you really? - Yeah, for about six months.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- With the Aborigines? Whereabouts? - Everywhere.- Wow.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21That's how he lost his teeth - boomerang.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28I was watching Sky Soccer Saturday,
0:26:28 > 0:26:32and one of my favourite reporters is ex-manager Chris Kamara.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35And I love him and he's brilliant, but sometimes you think,
0:26:35 > 0:26:37"Maybe I could do that."
0:26:39 > 0:26:40Unbelievable, Jeff!
0:26:40 > 0:26:44We've just seen a marvellous, fantastic goal, a brilliant goal,
0:26:44 > 0:26:48a wonderful overhead kick goal that has put them in front.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51The only problem is, because I'm at the far end of the ground,
0:26:51 > 0:26:53I don't know who scored it.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56I think, Jeff, it was...
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Well, I don't know, to be fair.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:05 > 0:27:10OK. I sense I haven't won Shaun over on this one.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Right. Well, um...
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Boisterous whistling?
0:27:17 > 0:27:20I'm sorry, Sam. I like whistling.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23It's got a sort of traditional thing from a world that's nearly gone.
0:27:23 > 0:27:28And extreme makeover shows, although they are entertaining,
0:27:28 > 0:27:32I hate myself for even watching these programmes.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35And although I absolutely love football talk,
0:27:35 > 0:27:37I do sympathise with you.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40The amount of people who come up to me
0:27:40 > 0:27:42and tell me what's wrong with West Bromwich Albion,
0:27:42 > 0:27:47based on 34 seconds on Match Of The Day, it is annoying.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49So I think you've got a point.
0:27:49 > 0:27:50I know this sounds incredible,
0:27:50 > 0:27:53but I am going to put football talk into Room 101.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:06 > 0:28:07What have I done?
0:28:07 > 0:28:10And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Well done, Meera - you were the most persuasive guest,
0:28:12 > 0:28:15- so you are this week's winner. - Thank you.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:19 > 0:28:23Thanks very much to Sam Simmons, Meera Syal and Shaun Ryder,
0:28:23 > 0:28:25and thank you, goodnight!