0:00:25 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:36 > 0:00:39the show where three guests compete to have their biggest
0:00:39 > 0:00:42bugbears banished forever to the dreaded vault.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44They'll have to argue their case well, because in each round
0:00:44 > 0:00:48only one item can be chosen - the final decision is mine.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Joining me tonight are Bafta-winning Katherine Parkinson,
0:00:53 > 0:00:55laughter-spinning Russell Howard,
0:00:55 > 0:00:57and all the trimmings John Torode.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08BELL DINGS
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Let's get ready to grumble.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13OK. So what is John's choice?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19It's those massive pepper grinders.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30I mean, even the action is disturbing, isn't it?
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Do you know what I mean? Somebody comes up to your table.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36You've got some food in front of you. You're about to enjoy it.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37They suddenly reach across,
0:01:37 > 0:01:39- CROAKY:- "Would you like pepper, sir?"
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Were they from Mordor?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Most of them, yes, they are.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45The fact is, as well,
0:01:45 > 0:01:49they've cut down a whole tree to make a pepper grinder.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50The size of the lathe -
0:01:50 > 0:01:54I mean, they have special lathes to make pepper grinders that size.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56What an industrial waste. I mean, look at it.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58It's just ridiculous.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Just in case you're not familiar with what...
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Actually, I've just pulled the leg off the table.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06Hold it.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08This is it.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Yeah, these babies.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19That's small. That's like a normal size one.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Well, it's quite cold out.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21LAUGHTER
0:02:22 > 0:02:25There's something very, um... how can I put this?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Very male about the big...
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- Sexist, you see.- It is.- Isn't it?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32And yet quite sexy.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33You think it's sexy?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35When it's done right it must be.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Potentially, when done right, by the right man.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Frank could probably do it in quite a sexy way now.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Go on. See, there you go.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- That's spooky. That's just weird! - Does it need to be that big?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- There's absolutely no reason for it to be that big.- No.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53- Everybody has got one to size... - I know the story behind it.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57A man in Honolulu opened a string of about 50 restaurants,
0:02:57 > 0:03:01and he put normal-sized pepper mills in, when they were just becoming
0:03:01 > 0:03:06popular on the market, and within three days, every one was stolen.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10So, he got massive ones, to stop that from happening.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Why don't they do it with other stuff?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16For example, wouldn't it be great if you were in, say,
0:03:16 > 0:03:20a burger bar, and a guy came over...
0:03:21 > 0:03:23..if a guy came over like this...
0:03:25 > 0:03:30Anyone...ketchup?
0:03:30 > 0:03:31No, thank you.
0:03:32 > 0:03:38Ketchup? I like that you're backing off. Great.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Faith in the authenticity of this prop. Guess what?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44It's not actually full of ketchup.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45LAUGHTER
0:03:51 > 0:03:54This is another method. Are you familiar with this?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- Oh, yeah.- You get a tiny one of these, with pepper.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00- I don't mind that.- So you don't take, you know, loads of pepper.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02You just do a sprinkle. Have you seen this?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05No, it's in quite nice restaurants.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09I've stolen a few of these, I must be honest with you,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11because, like a lot of people watching, I've got
0:04:11 > 0:04:12an Action Man antique commode...
0:04:15 > 0:04:20and it's absolutely... absolutely perfect on that.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22I have him on there for hours.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Is that how they make pepper?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:39 > 0:04:41OK. So, Russell, what's your choice?
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Dreams.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50- Ooh.- Yes. Pointless.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53They're meant to be relaxing and calm and blissful,
0:04:53 > 0:04:56and then, suddenly, you're getting chased,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59your old teacher is there, you've got parrots for feet.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Lorraine Kelly has got an axe.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04She's swinging it, going, "Get in the shed.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05"Make me marmalade."
0:05:05 > 0:05:07It's meant to be relaxing.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09They're always awful, you know.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12They're always mad, or they're exhausting.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14I find the amount of times I'll have a dream where I feel like -
0:05:14 > 0:05:17like the other day I had a gap year, like, in my dream.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20You wake up - "Are you all right? Did you sleep well?"
0:05:20 > 0:05:23"No, I didn't sleep well. I lost my passport in Peru.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26"I was braiding my own hair for four hours."
0:05:26 > 0:05:28It's horrific.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Losing your passport is a horrible dream, though.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34I suggest you get yourself a dream catcher.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40That's exceptional. That's nuts.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42And this IS your passport.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47And then he woke up.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Yeah, exactly.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Like, you know those dreams when it just goes on?
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Like, this genuinely happened,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56and it felt like the entire nine hours I was there.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00I was a cat working in a travel agency,
0:06:00 > 0:06:03and I had no skills, because I was a cat, and people were moaning.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06I can really remember this Northern bloke going,
0:06:06 > 0:06:08"You don't know nothing".
0:06:08 > 0:06:10And I'm like, "Meow."
0:06:10 > 0:06:13You know, and then you wake up and you're just exhausted,
0:06:13 > 0:06:15and then you've got to go to work.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17What an amazing imagination you have.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18That's the problem.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22My recurring dream is me sitting on a bus.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24See, that's awful.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26That is it.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27I had one of those, a dull one, as well.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30I'm not saying you're dull. I'm just saying...
0:06:30 > 0:06:32I think you are.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33But you know that thing?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I had one where I was looking at Duracell batteries
0:06:36 > 0:06:40and comparing them to Tesco-own for eight hours.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44You see, I have quite ordinary dreams,
0:06:44 > 0:06:48in which invariably I'm only wearing a pyjama top.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52So, I'm just walking round in the supermarket in just that,
0:06:52 > 0:06:54and then I realise.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58Well, maybe that's looking into your future, you know.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01And then, I found this in my dream catcher.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11When I used to drink... do you get it?
0:07:11 > 0:07:14They're strange, when you... Do you drink? You do drink, don't you?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- Yeah.- Don't you find the dreams get a bit weirder, then?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Not really, no.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22I always used to dream I was urinating. And guess what?
0:07:25 > 0:07:26I quite like dreaming.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29I like the middle of the day, you know, old man,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32half asleep on the sofa, waking up when you sort of snore a bit dream.
0:07:32 > 0:07:33That's a good thing.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37No, it's not, because you're of a certain age.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39I bet you whistle when you snore, as well.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41There's nothing... That noise.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44- That's what my dad... - IMITATES WHISTLING SNORE
0:07:44 > 0:07:47It sounds like someone is interfering with a Teletubbie.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48HE REPEATS NOISE
0:07:50 > 0:07:53My dad used to do that falling asleep in the chair, going...
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Yeah!
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Absolutely terrifying.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Well, I tell you something.
0:08:01 > 0:08:06Are you familiar with the Dream ON app?
0:08:06 > 0:08:07This app is...
0:08:07 > 0:08:13you sleep with your mobile phone, and it picks up your sleep patterns.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16It can tell when you're in deep sleep and when you're moving more.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- Right. - And it gives you sound effects
0:08:18 > 0:08:20at the point you're most likely
0:08:20 > 0:08:23to dream, and it's supposed to help you into more pleasant...
0:08:23 > 0:08:25This is... I'm not making this up.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27So here's some of the sounds, for example.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29BIRDS TWITTER
0:08:32 > 0:08:35So, it will influence your dream. I programmed it for this.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- WOMAN:- Mmm, well, I wasn't expecting the plumber,
0:08:38 > 0:08:40but you'd better come in.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41LAUGHTER
0:08:44 > 0:08:45Works a treat.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46Have you ever had this?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Have you ever been attacked by someone for the way
0:08:49 > 0:08:50you've behaved in their dream?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54OK, well, I have. There you go.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56My auntie said, "I want to have a word with you".
0:08:56 > 0:08:58"What?" "Yeah, I had a dream about you the other day."
0:08:58 > 0:09:00We were at a wedding. "Yeah?"
0:09:00 > 0:09:03"You made love to a pasty." "Well, I didn't do it, did I?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05"I made love? What are you talking about?"
0:09:05 > 0:09:08She told everyone at the wedding, like it was a thing I did.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Chinese whispers. By the end everyone was like,
0:09:10 > 0:09:13"Oh, it's Ginsters". What are you talking about?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Was that in your dream, or was that in reality?
0:09:15 > 0:09:17It was in HER dream. No, I haven't touched a pasty.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20She is attacking me for the behaviour that
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I've shown in her dream.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Right. In public?
0:09:23 > 0:09:24I don't know where I did it.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28I'd like to imagine that if I was making love to a pasty,
0:09:28 > 0:09:32I'd treat it right, you know, but I've never imagined that.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33I'd probably take her out for a meal...
0:09:33 > 0:09:36A meal would be weird because you'd see all her mates getting eaten.
0:09:36 > 0:09:44I have a clip of a child speaking about dreaming and, whatever
0:09:44 > 0:09:48we say about dreams tonight, nothing can be as good as this.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50This is perfect.
0:09:50 > 0:09:55Have you ever had a dream that... that you...you had...
0:09:55 > 0:10:00you...you... you could... you'd do... you...you want...
0:10:00 > 0:10:03you...you could give some... you...you could...you...
0:10:03 > 0:10:07you want...you want them to do you so much you could do anything?
0:10:10 > 0:10:11Do you know what?
0:10:11 > 0:10:13That's like the cutest version of an Eminem song I've ever heard.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17That might make me get pregnant again tonight.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18That was so sweet.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19GROANS
0:10:19 > 0:10:20FRANK SNIGGERS
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Right. What is Katherine's choice?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Behave. Yes.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Oh, yeah.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38APPLAUSE
0:10:40 > 0:10:43This is DJs that join in at the end of the song.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45I mean, I love the radio.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47I've not listened to your show on the radio,
0:10:47 > 0:10:50cos it's too early, but I love the radio in the morning.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51It's a podcast.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52LAUGHTER
0:10:54 > 0:10:55But carry on.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00So, I love the radio in the morning,
0:11:00 > 0:11:02and, you know, you're listening to a song.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06They've played maybe, you know, Elvis, In The Ghetto,
0:11:06 > 0:11:09or something really moving, a story-telling song.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10You're in that special place,
0:11:10 > 0:11:12looking out the window at the morning happening.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15And then they just have to crash in and butcher it over the last
0:11:15 > 0:11:18two bars, because they can't not hear the sound of their own
0:11:18 > 0:11:20voice for more than 20 seconds.
0:11:20 > 0:11:25I have actually almost lifted up the radio and thrown it through the
0:11:25 > 0:11:29kitchen window because it just, it completely destroys... What's the
0:11:29 > 0:11:32point in playing a song if you're not going to let people get to
0:11:32 > 0:11:36the nice moment at the end, when the song has finished and done its work?
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Yes.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40LAUGHTER
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Do you do this? Am I putting you into Room 101?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46I don't do it... I don't do it that much.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- I did it...- Oh, I'm so... I didn't realise YOU did it!
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I don't do it often.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53I interrupted - I played Vertigo by U2 a while back,
0:11:53 > 0:11:56and in the middle of it, I came in and started talking.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58In the middle? That's even worse.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Yes, because they'd interrupted my iTunes music with their album.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11They started it.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15I tell you what I do more and more, I found, as I get older.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18There are lots of songs I just don't know the words to at all.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21That does not stop me singing along.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24So, Elton John is one of my favourites for this,
0:12:24 > 0:12:28because you can get away with knowing almost no words at all.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31So, if you get something like Candle In The Wind, I'll know
0:12:31 > 0:12:33the first bit and I'll go,
0:12:33 > 0:12:34# Goodbye, Norma Jean...
0:12:34 > 0:12:36HE SCATS NONSENSE
0:12:41 > 0:12:44And it works perfectly well.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Kings Of Leon are exactly the same.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49HE SCATS NONSENSE
0:12:51 > 0:12:53You see?
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Do you not sing along to songs yourself?
0:12:58 > 0:12:59Yes, I do.
0:12:59 > 0:13:04- Surely that's...- Yes, I do, but, um... Yes, that's a good point.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08I do sing along to the song myself, but... Yeah, OK.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Well...
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Thanks, Russell. You've saved me a lot of time.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19I tell you what I do like, and that is a fabulous radio voice.
0:13:19 > 0:13:24There was a guy in America who had fallen on hard times,
0:13:24 > 0:13:27but although he'd fallen on hard times,
0:13:27 > 0:13:31he's managed to retain his fabulous radio voice.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34- MAN:- Hey. I'm going to make you work for your dollar.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Say something with that great radio voice.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39When you're listening to nothing but the best of oldies,
0:13:39 > 0:13:42you're listening to Magic 98.9.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Thank you so much. God bless you. Thank you.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48And we'll be back with more right after these words.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52And don't forget, tomorrow morning is your chance to win
0:13:52 > 0:13:55a pair of tickets to see this man live in concert.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56APPLAUSE
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Oh, they have the best homeless people in America.
0:14:02 > 0:14:08So, anyway, at the end of that, um, I feel your pain with DJs who sing
0:14:08 > 0:14:12over songs, and dreaming, I don't think you know what you've got.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Your dreams sound great.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17You should learn to enjoy them more.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Oh, here we go again.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21I would like to have your dreams...
0:14:21 > 0:14:23- Yes.- ..instead of putting them in Room 101.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26You should write a book. Your special dream book.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29I'm going to do one.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33The author's picture on the back is just me in a pyjama top.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Anyway, the upshot is...
0:14:36 > 0:14:39I hadn't really thought about this, John, but now you come to
0:14:39 > 0:14:43mention it, the whole pepper thing is just ostentatious.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44I've had enough of it.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47I'm going to put enormous pepper grinders into Room 101.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Yeah. Good.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02And so the next round.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06OK. What's John got up his sleeve?
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Predictive text. I hate it.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19My spelling is atrocious, right? So, that's fine.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21If I want to write something down, I want to take
0:15:21 > 0:15:25notes on my notes on my phone, if it's phonetic, that's fine.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Or I'm travelling...
0:15:27 > 0:15:29but they come out with the most bizarre words in the world.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32When you write menus and stuff, it just makes words up.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33So, for instance,
0:15:33 > 0:15:35there's a restaurant I go to all the time, and one day it
0:15:35 > 0:15:40had on it a plate of roasted peppers and aboriginals with pesto, because
0:15:40 > 0:15:43it was supposed to be aubergines, and aubergines became aboriginals.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46And as an Australian, you can understand that actually
0:15:46 > 0:15:49cutting up an aboriginal and putting it with pesto is not a good idea.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50APPLAUSE
0:15:54 > 0:15:58I have a friend who was on a date, and she texted him...
0:15:58 > 0:16:02He was at the bar, saying, "I'm upstairs with wine",
0:16:02 > 0:16:05but it said, "I'm upstairs with wind."
0:16:05 > 0:16:06LAUGHTER
0:16:10 > 0:16:12The other one that's really, really annoying is,
0:16:12 > 0:16:14when you use your notes, or something,
0:16:14 > 0:16:17and you actually just want to write, I don't know, a word or something,
0:16:17 > 0:16:19and it just comes up with the most ridiculous thing in the world.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22What if people did it? If you said, "I'm feeling g..."
0:16:22 > 0:16:24and they went, "Good? "Glandular? Gambian?"
0:16:28 > 0:16:30On the misprint front,
0:16:30 > 0:16:35this is an edition of the Bible which came out in 1631.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39Maybe one of the most famous text failures of all time.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43You see there... maybe you don't spot it at first,
0:16:43 > 0:16:46but the second one came out as, "Thou SHALT commit adultery."
0:16:48 > 0:16:51I've used it as a loophole with my priest a couple of times.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54So, do you use it much, John?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56No, I hate it. I don't use it, at all.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- You can switch it off, can't you? - Well, you can.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02It's the, sort of, the spell-check changed my words whilst I'm...
0:17:02 > 0:17:05And typing recipes, you use, sort of, weird words
0:17:05 > 0:17:08and weird phrases, like "mise en place" and, you know, bits of
0:17:08 > 0:17:11French and bits of Italian, and it just changes on you halfway through.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13You go, "Argh!"
0:17:13 > 0:17:15That's what really upsets me more than anything.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Put a red line under it and say, yes, it's spelt wrong,
0:17:17 > 0:17:21and I can make a choice, but don't change my spelling of my words.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Have you ever typed in "Torode"?
0:17:23 > 0:17:27Yeah. Well, it used to come up as "torrid".
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- Oh.- Which was always quite nice.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33I tried it, as a homage to you, and I got "toroidal", which is
0:17:33 > 0:17:35a word I'd never heard of. Do you know it?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37- What does it mean, Frank? - It means donut-shaped.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:44 > 0:17:48Anyway, what's Katherine angry about?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55OK. It's women who, er,
0:17:55 > 0:17:57cross their legs when they're having their photo taken.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01So, somewhere along the line there became this sort of position
0:18:01 > 0:18:04that every woman who's having her photo taken,
0:18:04 > 0:18:08sort of, head-to-toe photo, has to sort of assume this position.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Obviously, it's supposed to elongate and slim.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Can I say? I'd never heard of this before.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17So, can you just tell us, what is the theory behind it?
0:18:17 > 0:18:20I don't know what the theory is behind it, but basically
0:18:20 > 0:18:21you're supposed to stand...
0:18:24 > 0:18:25You can see I look better now.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Yeah.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Everyone is supposed to stand like that
0:18:29 > 0:18:31when they have their photo taken.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34I felt, when I was, sort of, assuming this position,
0:18:34 > 0:18:36like an idiot for doing it, cos of course you're just going,
0:18:36 > 0:18:38"I'm doing this cos it's the thing to be done".
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Also, it's very difficult to do when you've got heels on,
0:18:41 > 0:18:44because you lose your balance, and you have to sort of throw
0:18:44 > 0:18:46your body a bit forward to stay
0:18:46 > 0:18:50balanced in that position, and then you look really, really stupid.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Um, and so after that I just sort of...
0:18:53 > 0:18:55I stand with my legs ajar, and then you look like you're
0:18:55 > 0:18:58in a birthing position, and that's not good, either.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Well, when I knew you'd chosen this, I thought, "I've never even
0:19:02 > 0:19:06"been aware of that phenomenon," but since, I notice it's everywhere.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10Just an example, this is Miley Cyrus arriving somewhere lovely.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15There she is, doing exactly that.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16It's quite strange, don't you think?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18The outfit is quite strange.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21What's she wearing? She looks like a cheese grater.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Well, for the sake of symmetry she should have crossed
0:19:26 > 0:19:27her cleavage, as well.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29I took my mum to a premiere.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32It was one of the coolest things I've ever done.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34I'm going to have to stand up to show what she did. Right?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36So basically, what the ladies do, they do
0:19:36 > 0:19:38this thing where they walk to the camera and do that.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- Does that annoy you? They do the sideways thing.- Oh, yeah.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42I've got a very short neck
0:19:42 > 0:19:44and I just look like a budgie when I do that.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47So, my mum is five foot, and nobody had taught her,
0:19:47 > 0:19:49so all the paparazzi were there, and Mum just kind of ran at them
0:19:49 > 0:19:51and just, kind of, went like that.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56It was genuinely...
0:19:56 > 0:20:00It was like watching a Yorkshire pudding move carrots out of the way.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05That thing that you're on about, we've got Anne Hathaway,
0:20:05 > 0:20:10actually... It seems the least natural pose you could ever...
0:20:11 > 0:20:13I mean we're over here, Anne.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17I've done that pose, but only when I've been at a urinal.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18LAUGHTER
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Did you see the Oscars?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28At the Oscars, just everybody, everybody was doing it.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30I don't know if you saw this.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Outrageous.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37But you're right, though.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Now I know about it, I see it everywhere.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41I bought this the other day.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44LAUGHTER
0:20:47 > 0:20:49APPLAUSE
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Anyway, what's Russell's choice?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Grumpy kids.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00CHEERING
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Exactly. Right?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09I was in a restaurant the other day, and I heard a child say,
0:21:09 > 0:21:10"Oh, Wagamama again."
0:21:12 > 0:21:15I used to lose my mind when I went to a Harvester.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Lose my mind.
0:21:17 > 0:21:18Go into school the next day.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20"Salad bar. Amazing.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24"I had an Italian dish called a la-sag-nea."
0:21:24 > 0:21:26They've got everything. They're whining.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30They've got wheels in their shoes, iPads, Sky Plus.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33If you'd shown me Sky Plus when I was ten, I'd have thought
0:21:33 > 0:21:35you're a wizard, like that, pausing the telly.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38And, like, could have been so much worse...just...
0:21:38 > 0:21:40every kid I see today, like, I'm talking about ten-year-olds...
0:21:40 > 0:21:42IMITATES WHINING
0:21:42 > 0:21:46..just whining, tubby messes, and...
0:21:47 > 0:21:49It just does my head in.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50But it could have been worse.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53You could have grown up in the '80s, where, you know,
0:21:53 > 0:21:57the telly was awash with offenders and, you know...
0:21:57 > 0:21:58It was, you know.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02And, like, think of the hours we played the recorder.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05The HOURS we did that. Have we ever needed it?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08I've never been at a party, "I know what this needs."
0:22:08 > 0:22:09IMITATES RECORDER
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Girls in the corner, "Do you know Little Donkey?
0:22:12 > 0:22:13"You know I do."
0:22:14 > 0:22:17We have a picture of you when you were a, I think, 12-year-old,
0:22:17 > 0:22:20- Russell.- Oh, really? OK. Oh, there you go.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Ah!
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- Ah!- What a happy child.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25APPLAUSE
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Well, I haven't seen that for a long...
0:22:28 > 0:22:32I look a bit like Harry Potter's German pen-pal.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Who would have thought that, when I sat for that picture it would
0:22:37 > 0:22:39end up on telly and people would just be, like..?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- I know. Yeah, just...- "Just smile. What's the worst that can happen?"
0:22:42 > 0:22:43"All right."
0:22:45 > 0:22:48When I was at school, the big game for us was a thing called
0:22:48 > 0:22:53pile-ups, where one kid lay on the floor and 50 kids lay on top.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55You'd be on the bottom, thinking,
0:22:55 > 0:22:57"Shouldn't my ribcage be inside my blazer?"
0:22:57 > 0:23:00I feel a bit sorry for kids now, though.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04I live in quite a, sort of, posh bit of London,
0:23:04 > 0:23:06and I think the kids there just don't get enough sugar.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13They ask for a Cornetto, they get a little box of raisins.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15That's not parenting.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Exactly.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21I remember... Do you remember Angel Delight? Now, there's a pudding.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22Yes.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25You have one bit of that and you go, "I'm going on the roof".
0:23:25 > 0:23:27And my sister -
0:23:27 > 0:23:30it's one of the greatest moments in the Howard family.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32My sister was eating Angel Delight, and she goes,
0:23:32 > 0:23:34"Dad, what's Angel Delight made of?"
0:23:34 > 0:23:36And my dad just went, "Dead angels."
0:23:38 > 0:23:39That's parenting.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Me and my brother were like, "This is the best day ever."
0:23:43 > 0:23:44And Nesquik.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Oh, yeah. Damn right.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47I used to have that in water.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49- Yes. - GROANS
0:23:49 > 0:23:50We were poor.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Are you booing me for being poor?!
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Very good for making cakes.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Instead of using sugar - flavoured Nesquik -
0:23:59 > 0:24:02you use chocolate flavour or strawberry flavour instead
0:24:02 > 0:24:05of using sugar, and then you've got strawberry or chocolate cake.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- Oh, right.- And that cake, I tell you, your kids are running round
0:24:08 > 0:24:09the back yard - "Whey!"
0:24:11 > 0:24:14People are writing your stuff down, John. Fantastic.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17But on predictive text it says something else completely.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22The technology thing, I mean, as you said, they've got everything now.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25I remember occasionally, towards the end of school,
0:24:25 > 0:24:29- VHSs were just coming in, when I was at school.- Yeah.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32And sometimes, a teacher, instead of doing a lesson, would show us
0:24:32 > 0:24:36a VHS, and there was a man called Mr Barton,
0:24:36 > 0:24:41and he would bring in the telly with the VHS recorder on wheels,
0:24:41 > 0:24:42and he used to wear a lab coat.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46A lab coat!
0:24:47 > 0:24:50I'm glad we're a bit more technology-literate than that.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52That's what does my head in.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53It's just like... it's just everything.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Be a bit more joy-... Like iPods.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57How extraordinary are they?
0:24:57 > 0:24:59You've got every song you love in your hand.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02It's amazing. Then we had Discman.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Do you remember the Discman, with the CD? It was great.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07You'd be, like, listening to it like you were a butler,
0:25:07 > 0:25:10just having to, kind of, carry it around like that.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Awful.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17I'm mostly moaning, but I guess the whole point is that you
0:25:17 > 0:25:20should just be happy when you're a nipper and it just feels like maybe
0:25:20 > 0:25:23they've got too many things and should have those taken away.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24It's difficult, isn't it?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Because I didn't have sushi until I was 25 and I love it now,
0:25:27 > 0:25:29but my kids will probably have it when they're five,
0:25:29 > 0:25:32and it's that weird thing of... You should have stuff to look
0:25:32 > 0:25:35forward to, rather than just, "Right, there's everything".
0:25:35 > 0:25:38It feels like they've got everything, so it's kind of harder
0:25:38 > 0:25:41to get towards fun, because you kind of go...
0:25:41 > 0:25:44if you start off on fun...
0:25:45 > 0:25:47..it ends up on cocaine.
0:25:47 > 0:25:48LAUGHTER
0:25:56 > 0:25:58I'm going to show you a clip, to prove that it's a dangerous life
0:25:58 > 0:26:00being a child now,
0:26:00 > 0:26:03even in what you would think was the safest of environments.
0:26:03 > 0:26:04OK. Young girl meets the Queen.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Watch that young girl.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18AUDIENCE GROANS
0:26:24 > 0:26:26She was fine.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28LAUGHTER
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Good job he wasn't with a bayonet.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Kids should be jolly, I think.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Yeah. Well, thank you for your advice.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Because, I think it's the sort of thing, we had
0:26:39 > 0:26:40nothing and we were always happy.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Like, mainly because I grew up with my brother and he was amazing.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46My brother, genuinely, when he used to get really giddy
0:26:46 > 0:26:48he used to get naked, up until the age of about five.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51It was amazing. And over nothing. It used to drive Mum mad.
0:26:51 > 0:26:57"Do you want some toast? Just nod. For Christ's sake, just nod."
0:26:57 > 0:27:00I wish he still he did it. He got a mortgage the other day.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01That would have been amazing.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Oh, it's difficult, this one.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11I know what you mean about the old predictive text,
0:27:11 > 0:27:13because I like the joy of spelling things wrong
0:27:13 > 0:27:17and making up words and saying odd stuff, and it does keep
0:27:17 > 0:27:19correcting you all the time, which is a really bad thing.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Grumpy kids, you're right, but I'm sure kids,
0:27:22 > 0:27:25when you were a kid, used to be grumpy, as well.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27- That's part of... - Probably. It's just...
0:27:27 > 0:27:28Part of the thing.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31The crossed legs thing, what I like about yours, I think
0:27:31 > 0:27:34for women who've got one very ugly knee...
0:27:35 > 0:27:36..that's really helpful.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38That's very personal.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41I wasn't referring to that one.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49Anyway, look, the bottom line is I think that the language is sacred,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52and our right to get it wrong and to mess about with it is important.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55So I am going to put predictive text into Room 101.
0:27:55 > 0:27:56APPLAUSE
0:27:59 > 0:28:00Very good.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Good job. Hate the bloody thing.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Well done, John, you were the most persuasive guest,
0:28:13 > 0:28:15so you are this week's winner.
0:28:15 > 0:28:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Thank you to Russell Howard, John Torode and Katherine Parkinson,
0:28:23 > 0:28:25and thank you. Goodnight.