0:00:29 > 0:00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40the show where three guests battle to banish their bete noires
0:00:40 > 0:00:42to the notorious vault.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45They'll have to argue their case well because, in each round,
0:00:45 > 0:00:48only one item can be chosen. The final decision is mine.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Joining me tonight are Murder On The Dance Floor, Sophie Ellis-Bextor,
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Murder In The Cathedral, Rob Beckett and murder,
0:00:55 > 0:00:57but only if he felt there was no alternative, Ross Kemp.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:04 > 0:01:07OK, so, let's get ready to grumble,
0:01:07 > 0:01:08and we'll begin with Rob.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14LAUGHTER
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Um, I've gone for teeth.
0:01:21 > 0:01:26- Yeah. It's a little bit awkward... - Yeah!- ..I'll be honest with you.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Just cos I've had a lot of abuse about my teeth over the years, and I
0:01:29 > 0:01:32might have had a sort of easier life if I didn't have teeth.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36But if everyone didn't have teeth,
0:01:36 > 0:01:38I think it'd just be easier all round, just cos...
0:01:38 > 0:01:40they're a pain, aren't they?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42You've got to clean them...twice a day, you've got to go to the
0:01:42 > 0:01:45dentist, which everyone hates, when they hurt,
0:01:45 > 0:01:46they really hurt,
0:01:46 > 0:01:50and also I sort of think you'd lose weight,
0:01:50 > 0:01:53because all you'd have is soup!
0:01:53 > 0:01:56And I've never seen an overweight person knocking back
0:01:56 > 0:01:58- soup all day.- No.- Easier with the shop, innit?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01"What we got?" "Soup again." "Got nothing to chew it with."
0:02:01 > 0:02:05And I just think it would just be easier if everyone had no teeth.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09I'm thinking of some of the implications as we speak.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14- I think, yeah, I mean...- Yeah.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18..I feel that your teeth are almost your identity.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Oh, yeah, I would be unemployed if I had no teeth.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23It's a terrible system, isn't it, as well?
0:02:23 > 0:02:26You have to...you're going through
0:02:26 > 0:02:28- the agonies as a tiny baby of teething.- Yeah.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- Teething.- And you think,
0:02:30 > 0:02:31aww, the baby must think,
0:02:31 > 0:02:34because it doesn't know the wider implications,
0:02:34 > 0:02:37"Thank, God, I've got that out the way."
0:02:37 > 0:02:40I've got...like, a little baby and the teeth,
0:02:40 > 0:02:45the poor thing - they're like tomb stones coming out of her head.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49- These massive things coming down and she's..."I'm sorry."- Yeah.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50I wonder why they're so big?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54And, also, you could have fizzy drinks.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57You've not got to worry about sugar, sweets. Chocolate,
0:02:57 > 0:03:00You haven't got to worry. You can have Ribena every day!
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Are you aware of the national obesity crisis?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Yes, Frank, but we're already on soup, aren't we?
0:03:08 > 0:03:12- Oh, so soup and sweets. - Soup and sweets.- Yeah!
0:03:12 > 0:03:15There's a Twitter feed called Without Teeth.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19- Oh!- And it's pictures of celebrities without...
0:03:19 > 0:03:21what they would look like.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23There's one of Barack Obama,
0:03:23 > 0:03:26who, um...does look very different.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:30 > 0:03:32I think he looks great!
0:03:32 > 0:03:34I think I used to drink with him...
0:03:34 > 0:03:36LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:03:36 > 0:03:39..in the late '70s. I'm sure that I remember that bloke!
0:03:39 > 0:03:41So, we've got you with no teeth,
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- Rob, if you'd want to see what that would look like.- Oh, wow.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Here we go.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47LAUGHTER
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- Everyone looks more fun!- I was gonna say, you do look really sweet.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- Don't they?!- Like you're from Muppets or something.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57You'd absolutely smash through a Mr Whippy, wouldn't you?
0:03:57 > 0:03:58Bosh!
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Here's Ross.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02LAUGHTER
0:04:04 > 0:04:06And here's Sophie.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:10 > 0:04:14- Wow.- Wow.- Wow, that's like an extra 40 years along with losing my teeth.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18- Wow.- Yeah, and it's made your whole mouth look, well, bigger.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Sometimes, when I'm somewhere, and there's bottles of beer
0:04:22 > 0:04:24and no-one can find a bottle opener,
0:04:24 > 0:04:25- I can open the bottles with my teeth.- Ooh!
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- How about that?- That's impressive.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- I'd need teeth.- You wouldn't be able to do just with gummy gum-gums,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32- would you?- I would not. So, what would happen then?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Get a bottle opener.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36- Well, you can't find it.- Oh, yeah.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Yeah. That's good, though, because, you see,
0:04:40 > 0:04:42if Ross said he could open bottles with his teeth, I'd think,
0:04:42 > 0:04:44"Well, of course you can."
0:04:44 > 0:04:47- But I can't, there's the whole point of that?- You can't? Really?!
0:04:47 > 0:04:49No, he just bites the top off.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51These are my third set of front ones.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- OK.- Oh, really?- Wow.- Yeah. One, two, three.- What happened to them?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56First one, kicked out playing rugby,
0:04:56 > 0:05:00and then a really bad night in Caracas, like you do.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Is that a nightclub?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03No! It's the capital of Venezuela.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Oh, I thought it was a nightclub in Croydon, Cer-ackers.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08- LAUGHTER - It might be...
0:05:08 > 0:05:12Two for one on Sambuca on a Wednesday. Cer-ackers!
0:05:12 > 0:05:14I don't rememb... I don't remember much about it.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- You have shoes and a shirt to get in?- But I did wake up
0:05:16 > 0:05:20the next morning with, like, everyone looking at me, going...
0:05:20 > 0:05:21LAUGHTER
0:05:21 > 0:05:24I'm going, "What? What?"
0:05:24 > 0:05:27- I'd taken off all the fascias cos I'd hit the marble bar...- Wow.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30..and I'm going, "I will never drink again."
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- Have you stuck with that? - A little bit.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35OK.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37No, don't take this badly, Rob.
0:05:40 > 0:05:41I've got a clip of a dog,
0:05:41 > 0:05:46and it...I think it does look a bit like you.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- It better be a fit dog, Frank. - In the nicest possible way.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51It's a beautiful dog. Here it is.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54'Hey, Charlie. What you got?'
0:05:54 > 0:05:55TOY SQUEAKS
0:05:55 > 0:05:57'What's that?'
0:05:57 > 0:05:59'Is it a new toy?'
0:06:00 > 0:06:02- 'Is that your new...?' - SHE LAUGHS
0:06:02 > 0:06:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Oh, good, he took it well!
0:06:16 > 0:06:19OK, what's upsetting Sophie?
0:06:19 > 0:06:20So many things.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24This is misplaced clapping.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25APPLAUSE
0:06:25 > 0:06:27FRANK LAUGHS
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- It's OK. That was placed in the right place.- They're good.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- Um...- They're good this crowd. - It might need... Yeah.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35No? All right!
0:06:35 > 0:06:36You're all brilliant at this one!
0:06:36 > 0:06:41- So, I'm thinking any time clapping doesn't really need to happen. - APPLAUSE
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Oh, all right!
0:06:42 > 0:06:46I'm so confused, I'm like, "They like it, they don't like it."
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Things like when the plane lands, and people clap when a plane lands.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52People clapping at the end of a film in the cinema
0:06:52 > 0:06:55when no-one from the film is in the room to hear it.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58People clapping when a waiter drops plates.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02So, yeah, extraneous clapping.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03The first plane I ever went on,
0:07:03 > 0:07:06they clapped when we landed and I thought it was just...
0:07:06 > 0:07:08It was with the Wright Brothers.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13APPLAUSE
0:07:18 > 0:07:20But it's the weirdest thing.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Does that mean if you were on a plane and it was going down,
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- they'd start about booing?- Exactly!
0:07:25 > 0:07:28It's only doing what it's supposed to do. You don't need the clap.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30I think that's fair enough.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32I find over laughing in theatres...
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- Oh, yeah, that's very annoying. - ..worse than... So, like, you know,
0:07:35 > 0:07:37you do a comedy gig, people laugh at end of a joke, but when you go to a,
0:07:37 > 0:07:40like, a straight play and one person does, like, one little thing of,
0:07:40 > 0:07:42like, a pun or something like, "Duh-DUH-duh!"
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Everyone goes, "A-HA-HA, oh, my God, that's so funny!"
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- Well, they do...- That's rubbish.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50In Shakespeare, people do it, they're like,
0:07:50 > 0:07:52- "Ah, I show I understand." - That's right! It's like,
0:07:52 > 0:07:55"I'm cleverer than you are...because I got the joke first."
0:07:55 > 0:07:59In Warhorse, oh, my God, there's a about a 20 minute bit all in French.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01So you get, like, loads of geezers laughing.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Like, "Oh-ho, I know French." Oh, shut up, mate.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Showing off you know French,
0:08:06 > 0:08:10pretending to laugh at a rubbish joke about a wooden horse.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14I wouldn't mind a few of those people in tonight.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17I have this thing if, when I go to West Brom games,
0:08:17 > 0:08:21occasionally they get booed off at half-time.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23- I can't explain it.- No.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25But whenever they get booed off at half-time,
0:08:25 > 0:08:27when they come out for the second-half,
0:08:27 > 0:08:29they always get cheers and applause.
0:08:29 > 0:08:34And I think, "What have they done to win the crowd back over?"
0:08:34 > 0:08:36- Yeah.- Not play!
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Yeah.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40It's like absence makes the heart grow fonder.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42"Aw, actually, I actually missed them."
0:08:42 > 0:08:45"I know we booed them off, but I'm missing them now."
0:08:45 > 0:08:48If you had a row with your wife and then - like, a big blazing row
0:08:48 > 0:08:50and then storm out, if you come back after 15 minutes,
0:08:50 > 0:08:53she's never gonna go, "Oh, nice to see you back."
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Can I say, that's definitely true.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00I went to the circus with my partner and after a bit she said,
0:09:00 > 0:09:02"Can you clap more with your fingers?"
0:09:03 > 0:09:06"It's...you're clapping so loud, it's hurting my ears."
0:09:08 > 0:09:09At the circus?!
0:09:11 > 0:09:15And I actually was like this.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Anyway, have you ever wondered
0:09:16 > 0:09:20what people from other planets might clap like?
0:09:20 > 0:09:21- Ooh, no, I have not.- Well, it's...
0:09:21 > 0:09:23oh, you know, I'll show you.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24THEY LAUGH
0:09:25 > 0:09:27LAUGHTER
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- That's very weird.- Has anyone ever clapped like that before?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Yeah, that kinda went round.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38And, also, the wind from his clapping
0:09:38 > 0:09:42seems to be blowing his mouth. Did you see that?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44What's happening with his...his clapping mouth?
0:09:44 > 0:09:45LAUGHTER
0:09:46 > 0:09:49I think Boris Johnson's played a trick on him
0:09:49 > 0:09:53and put his arms through his jumper and popped up like that.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55OK, so, what's upsetting Ross?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Snobby shop assistants.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- Mm.- Yeah. Yeah!
0:10:03 > 0:10:05APPLAUSE
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Now, why's that?
0:10:11 > 0:10:14I tell you...one of the reasons is because,
0:10:14 > 0:10:16by the time I could go into certain shops...
0:10:16 > 0:10:20- afford to go into certain so-called posh shops...- Mm.
0:10:20 > 0:10:25..I was either too ugly or they thought I was going to rob the shop!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27LAUGHTER
0:10:27 > 0:10:30So, when I was young and I really desperately could have fitted into
0:10:30 > 0:10:33those clothes, when I wasn't the size that I am now,
0:10:33 > 0:10:34I couldn't go in them anyway,
0:10:34 > 0:10:37and now I can afford to go in one - or I used to before I had kids...
0:10:37 > 0:10:39LAUGHTER
0:10:39 > 0:10:43..and I would be looked as like,
0:10:43 > 0:10:45"Shouldn't you have just gone into Millets?"
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- "It's down there on the right."- Mm.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49But definitely the look of,
0:10:49 > 0:10:52"You shouldn't be in here, you know that."
0:10:52 > 0:10:54- Yes.- "You're too ugly." And...
0:10:54 > 0:10:56- Oh, Ross.- That would upset me a little bit.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00- It would upset me a little bit. - I wouldn't say you were TOO ugly.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- I would say...- Definitely too ugly for them, though!
0:11:03 > 0:11:05I can slightly buy into the fact
0:11:05 > 0:11:08that you might be there to rob the shop!
0:11:08 > 0:11:12- But also...- Didn't you try to buy a single stocking?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14And, I think, you know,
0:11:14 > 0:11:16if you do go in to a shop, they should be nice to you,
0:11:16 > 0:11:18that's the whole point of them being there.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21They're there to kind of serve you and help you.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22- That aloofness... - Yeah, it's horrible.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25..you're sort of looking at them and looking at the mannequins
0:11:25 > 0:11:27and think, "Who shall I ask?"
0:11:27 > 0:11:30I do, I think the mannequins are probably
0:11:30 > 0:11:33more human than the shop assistants.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Sometimes maybe a little bit too human.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39LAUGHTER
0:11:41 > 0:11:44They opened a Hollister
0:11:44 > 0:11:46on Regent's Street,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49which is a very smart, up-market shop.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52This is the staff. Look at these people.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Absolutely beautiful, all of them.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00And, truly, I went into the Hollister in San Francisco,
0:12:00 > 0:12:04I was on a stop-over and I went into the Hollister, not to buy for me,
0:12:04 > 0:12:07but I was told I was too old to be served.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- Oh, my God!- Wow! That's outrageous!
0:12:10 > 0:12:13I was being blanked, I've got them...I've got the top here,
0:12:13 > 0:12:15and I've got my dollars in my hand and I'm going,
0:12:15 > 0:12:17"Can I just pay for this?" And he went,
0:12:17 > 0:12:19- "No, man, you're too old." - That's outrageous.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22- You get more respect from Mexican drug lords.- Absolutely!
0:12:22 > 0:12:24LAUGHTER
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Me and El Chapo. He'd have no problem going in there
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- because he'd clear the shop first. - Yeah, exactly.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31OK, so we come to the end of that round.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35I don't think we can do away with teeth, you know.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39I-I...I like...I actually like going to the dentist.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40- I've never had a problem with that. - What?!
0:12:40 > 0:12:44Yeah, you get to wear, um, shades and...stuff.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48- I get shades so I don't get bits of me in my eyes.- Yeah.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51I get four blokes and a JCB. So it's a bit different...
0:12:51 > 0:12:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Bit different for me.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58And misplaced clapping. I know what you mean, you know,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01but I'm not a big fan of clapping at the best of times.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03I prefer laughter.
0:13:03 > 0:13:08- OK.- And if it comes to clapping, I'll take it anywhere I can get it.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10VERY LIGHT APPLAUSE But the people in those shops,
0:13:10 > 0:13:13LAUGHTER the people - thank you - the people in those
0:13:13 > 0:13:15shops, Ross, they are terrible people,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18- and us ugly people have to stick together.- Fair enough.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22- Yeah, put them in.- So, I am going to put snobby shop assistants
0:13:22 > 0:13:23- into Room 101.- Wahey!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:33 > 0:13:35OK, then, so.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Oh, my God. THEY LAUGH
0:13:39 > 0:13:40Sorry about me bell.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43LAUGHTER
0:13:43 > 0:13:44Come on.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48So...and so to Sophie's choice.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Ooh, that's a good name for a film.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- Enforced seating plans.- Oh!
0:13:54 > 0:13:58So, I'm talking specifically about when I go to an event and...
0:13:58 > 0:14:00you know, a party, whatever it is,
0:14:00 > 0:14:04and they've separated me from whoever I've gone with at the table.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08If I've gone to something with my sister, my friend, my husband,
0:14:08 > 0:14:10I want to sit next to them when I'm eating.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14I don't want them to be on the other side of the table or miles away.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17I don't like it when they move us apart, and if I get to the table
0:14:17 > 0:14:19quick enough, I will move us back together.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- Really?- I have no shame in rearranging seating plans.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24- Wow!- Are you one of those people that do that?
0:14:24 > 0:14:28Controversial, I hear. Yeah, sure, I want to sit next to my husband.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31What's wrong with that? That's why I married him, so I want to go and sit
0:14:31 > 0:14:34next to him, I want to chat about the evening with him next to me.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37- How long have you been married? - 11 years.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39FRANK WHISTLES
0:14:39 > 0:14:42I find me and my partner jump at the chance to sit...
0:14:42 > 0:14:44LAUGHTER
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- I don't believe you.- Honestly.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49But it is. I think we regard it as a bit of a treat.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51It's what Nelson Mandela, I think,
0:14:51 > 0:14:53called the short walk to freedom!
0:14:56 > 0:14:58He never sat with Winnie.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59I, um...
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I don't mean that in a bad...
0:15:02 > 0:15:06I don't mean it in a negative way.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10I think, I take the approach, the old coat theory, is that if I sit
0:15:10 > 0:15:12separately from my partner,
0:15:12 > 0:15:14I'll appreciate her more when I get outside.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19Because if you both had, like, a different experience,
0:15:19 > 0:15:21you get to slag off twice as many people.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25I find it very annoying, enforced seating plans.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Oh, the worst one is when they go,
0:15:26 > 0:15:30- "So, everyone moves along a seat every five minutes."- Oh, yeah.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- Have you had that?- Or every course you move on...- Or every ten minutes.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36I find boy, girl, boy, girl quite annoying as well. Like...
0:15:36 > 0:15:38It doesn't matter. Just sit down.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40I think it's quite excit... It's the closest, probably,
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I'll ever get to swinging!
0:15:42 > 0:15:44LAUGHTER
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Do you have those warnings?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49You know when you need to be rescued?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- Oh, yeah.- I mean, that can be,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53you know, you get someone who's really...
0:15:53 > 0:15:57- I mean, I started carrying a flare gun.- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59I tell you what I have done - you'll like this, Ross.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01There's a laugh I sometimes use, which is...
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Ha-ha-ha! Huh-huh-huh!
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Ha! Ha-ha-ha!
0:16:06 > 0:16:07Ha-ha-ha!
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Huh-huh-huh!
0:16:09 > 0:16:10Ha-ha-ha!
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Which is the Morse code for SOS.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15LAUGHTER
0:16:15 > 0:16:17APPLAUSE
0:16:20 > 0:16:22How are you with this kind of thing, Ross?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24I meet a lot of strangers through the job.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- Some very weird ones occasionally. - Yeah.- I just met Rowdy.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28You'd like Rowdy.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32- Who's that?- Rowdy's an Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Oh, my word.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35I think I know him.
0:16:35 > 0:16:36LAUGHTER
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- Is he a very, very tall bloke, pointy head?- Yeah, exactly!
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Rowdy was a very scary man.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46- Yeah.- I suppose if you're the Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan,
0:16:46 > 0:16:48you're going to have an edge.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50He was at a wedding?!
0:16:50 > 0:16:53He had a very long place...
0:16:53 > 0:16:56I hate it when someone else wears all white at a wedding.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01ROB CACKLES
0:17:01 > 0:17:02- He wears purple.- So rude.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Really stealing your moment, the clown.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Can I tell you what, the one...his mate, I said,
0:17:07 > 0:17:09"So, who's the one in green?"
0:17:09 > 0:17:11He went, "He's the Green Dragon."
0:17:11 > 0:17:14I said, "I used to drink in there when I was younger."
0:17:14 > 0:17:16LAUGHTER Yes, anyway, I didn't think
0:17:16 > 0:17:19we'd be talking about the Klan tonight, you never know.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Every night we talk about the Klan.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23I wonder if the Klan have these problems?
0:17:23 > 0:17:26They stand around saying, "You know when we had that dinner
0:17:26 > 0:17:28"and they made me sit by the Imperial Wizard?"
0:17:28 > 0:17:30I don't know him that well.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35They do seating plans normally if there's, like, either a couple that
0:17:35 > 0:17:37are a nightmare, or if there's people that are coming on their own
0:17:37 > 0:17:39so they're not sitting on their own,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42but, then, normally there's a reason if they're sitting on their own!
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Because they're hard work.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Are we still talking about the Klan?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53I bet the Klan, they're looking at the tablecloth and thinking,
0:17:53 > 0:17:55"This would make a lovely robe."
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Do you want this after... Are you keeping this?
0:18:00 > 0:18:03OK. That's enough Klan jokes...
0:18:03 > 0:18:04LAUGHTER
0:18:04 > 0:18:07..for one night. What's upsetting Rob Beckett?
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- Insurance.- Oh!
0:18:14 > 0:18:17APPLAUSE
0:18:17 > 0:18:21It's just so expensive, and whenever you benefit from it,
0:18:21 > 0:18:23something bad's happened. It's all just very negative,
0:18:23 > 0:18:25and I think a lot of the time as well, it's like,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28you just sort of have it just so that if anything does go wrong,
0:18:28 > 0:18:29you go, "I didn't have insurance",
0:18:29 > 0:18:31go "Oh, my God, you should got had insurance!"
0:18:31 > 0:18:35Where if no-one had insurance, then, like, I think people would drive
0:18:35 > 0:18:37more carefully,
0:18:37 > 0:18:39- because then they'd have to pay. - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Or it might be like Mad Max and either way he's a laugh.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44LAUGHTER
0:18:44 > 0:18:47I just find it...it's just annoying, like, going on holiday,
0:18:47 > 0:18:49I mean, your travel insurance, I bet that's pricey, isn't it?
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Just a bit.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- THEY LAUGH - Are you going skiing?
0:18:53 > 0:18:57I'm not going skiing, but I am going with a drug cartel!
0:18:57 > 0:19:00You can't go skiing with the Klan, you'd never find them.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- The Green Dragon's won again!- Yeah!
0:19:09 > 0:19:12"I don't remember there being a mountain range in that direction.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13"Oh, it's the lads. Come here!"
0:19:15 > 0:19:18- It's the lads! - I call them "the lads",
0:19:18 > 0:19:21I'm assuming you wouldn't... LAUGHTER
0:19:21 > 0:19:24If you were, you know, in your deathbed, looking back,
0:19:24 > 0:19:26and you're thinking, "I've had a good life,
0:19:26 > 0:19:29"I've never really been ill. I've never been in a car crash,
0:19:29 > 0:19:31"I've never been burgled,
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- "I have squandered a fortune... - Yeah.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36"..on insurance that I've never, ever..."
0:19:36 > 0:19:39I think it would make people less worried about material things.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Because if you've got no house insurance,
0:19:41 > 0:19:44don't have anything nice.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46They ain't got nothing to nick, then, have they?
0:19:46 > 0:19:51One of my favourite methods for stopping being burgled is these.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Do you ever see these on people's houses?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56I love those.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59I've got one on my house. This is my one.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:09 > 0:20:11- Can I borrow that?- You can have this, Ross, if you like.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- Thank you, mate, I'll have it afterwards!- That would be great!
0:20:14 > 0:20:16What would you insure, Rob, do you think?
0:20:16 > 0:20:18- What would I insure? - If you had to insure...
0:20:18 > 0:20:20- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Your teeth! - Oh, yeah.- Your teeth?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- Maybe my teeth. - It probably would be the teeth.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Yeah, but I talk about South-East London a lot, so...Lewisham.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28LAUGHTER
0:20:28 > 0:20:30- Never going to happen. - It'd be quite a big...
0:20:30 > 0:20:32You should do one of your documentaries there.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34I'm amazed you can get insurance of any kind.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37It's part of the job. You have to fill out, you know,
0:20:37 > 0:20:39accident report forms before you go out, and sometimes you're just
0:20:39 > 0:20:42saying, this is, you know, what I'm actually writing down to
0:20:42 > 0:20:43get insured for.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47- "Will be spending time with Taliban", you know?- Yeah.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50"Will be flying into Hot LZ in Chinook,"
0:20:50 > 0:20:53but, you know, there's people who specialise in it,
0:20:53 > 0:20:55and, obviously, for your family, but it's also a real...
0:20:55 > 0:20:57for getting kidnapped and stuff like that,
0:20:57 > 0:21:00you have to write in actually proof of life.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03So, you know, you have to say...I'm not going to tell you what I write,
0:21:03 > 0:21:06but you have to actually write down, should you be taken,
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- what words will you say... - Wow.- ..through the kidnap pass
0:21:09 > 0:21:11to prove that it's you.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:15 > 0:21:16Wow.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Doof-doo-doof-doof!
0:21:21 > 0:21:24So, when you do that, when you do that, you go,
0:21:24 > 0:21:26"I don't mind, I don't mind insuring the car."
0:21:26 > 0:21:32What about these celebrities who insure body parts?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- Do you know these people?- Mm-hmm.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Oh, didn't...with Michael Flatley and his legs?
0:21:36 > 0:21:41Michael Flatley, his legs were once insured for £40 million.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- Wow.- Blimey.- Now, I can see it with Michael Flatley to some extent,
0:21:44 > 0:21:46because his legs is his job,
0:21:46 > 0:21:50but this is the one that really, uh...Taylor Swift,
0:21:50 > 0:21:52her legs are insured
0:21:52 > 0:21:56for £26.5 million.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- Is this true?!- Yes.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00- Who's...who's doing it?- Well...
0:22:00 > 0:22:01Who'd you ring?
0:22:01 > 0:22:05I don't think her legs are any better than my legs.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Honestly, I think my legs are that good.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- Yep. Can we see them? - Here's Taylor Swift.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10Here's me.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13LAUGHTER
0:22:14 > 0:22:18I think, arguably, my legs are better than hers.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20- They're not your legs. - They are my legs!
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- I swear to you. There's no... - They're so shiny!
0:22:23 > 0:22:27- I know, well, I've oiled them. - You've oiled them?!
0:22:27 > 0:22:29No, I've oiled them for a bit, but they're still my legs.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32- Nothing has been done.- To be fair, If you cover the top half up,
0:22:32 > 0:22:36it's really...I don't know what I'm thinking any more, Frank.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40Well, let's go to the... I'll go to the close up. That'll help.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42- Wow.- Good pins.
0:22:42 > 0:22:43Thank you very much.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46There's a slight hint that, on the upper thigh,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49of a bit of cellulite, if I'm going to be totally honest.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50but I think that's like,
0:22:50 > 0:22:54when you sometimes get bulging of masonry on a cathedral,
0:22:54 > 0:22:57around a very, very heavy gargoyle.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00LAUGHTER
0:23:01 > 0:23:04On the left, those legs are 26.5 million quid's worth.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06What are mine worth? Nothing.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Have you put your...the pants over the top of the lace thing?
0:23:09 > 0:23:13That is...that is a border...for my pants.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Oh, wow. OK. It's a slightly different garment.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18I'm glad... Not many people would look at that
0:23:18 > 0:23:20and talk about the pants.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22You're fashion crazy.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26I was quite pleased with it.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29This is a man who is at work,
0:23:29 > 0:23:33and I think a tricky insurance claim to fill in.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38SOPHIE GIGGLES
0:23:40 > 0:23:41CHUCKLES IN AUDIENCE
0:23:54 > 0:23:56LAUGHTER
0:23:59 > 0:24:02I liked the "ow" at the end of it. Ow!
0:24:04 > 0:24:07I imagine it'd be a great advert for InjuryLawyers4U.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09LAUGHTER
0:24:09 > 0:24:10Imagine the meeting in HR.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15"So, what happened to the photocopier?" "Oh, God."
0:24:15 > 0:24:17OK, so what's upsetting Ross?
0:24:21 > 0:24:25Expensive water in hotel rooms. Well, anywhere, really,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28but...so, I obviously travel around the world,
0:24:28 > 0:24:30apart from when I'm not dum-dum-dumming.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Not happy with me!
0:24:35 > 0:24:38But we'll find out later. I hope you're insured!
0:24:39 > 0:24:40Oh, God.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52But when you go to hotels, and you can't drink the water in the taps.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- No.- You can't even clean your teeth with them, and then there's
0:24:55 > 0:24:58a bottle of French Alp water and you're, like,
0:24:58 > 0:25:02in South America somewhere, so how much does that cost, just in kind of
0:25:02 > 0:25:03carbon footprinting,
0:25:03 > 0:25:05and it's there and it's got a little sign around it,
0:25:05 > 0:25:08"This is 15."
0:25:08 > 0:25:11It's just a rip off from hotels, and by the people that make the stuff,
0:25:11 > 0:25:13and I think it's outrageous.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Water falls from the sky or evaporates from the sea
0:25:16 > 0:25:20and turns into drinkable water and they shouldn't charge 15
0:25:20 > 0:25:23for a bottle of water that big.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25I think it's outrageous and it's not right.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27I didn't think it was legal, actually.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30I thought if the water in the taps wasn't drinking water,
0:25:30 > 0:25:32then they had to provide other water.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36You should come on holiday with me, Sophie.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37I wouldn't if I were you, Sophie!
0:25:37 > 0:25:39LAUGHTER
0:25:39 > 0:25:41The Taliban are not big on music.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46They're quite big on murder. Well, not on the dance floor.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Allegedly.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:53 > 0:25:56I think you get to an age...I don't feel now I can carry
0:25:56 > 0:25:59a plastic bottle of water in the street.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01I feel I'm too old.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03A bloke my age shouldn't be having a plastic bottle of water
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- in the street. - I think it's absolutely fine!
0:26:06 > 0:26:09I think it's all right, too. Release yourself from that worry.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11You've got to drink, mate!
0:26:11 > 0:26:14You can't dehydrate because of social pressure.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16I saw a geezer in central London walking a ferret.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19No-one cares about you drinking water.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22That's eccentric, but there's no age limit on walking a ferret.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24I saw Frank Skinner the other day, you'll never guess what,
0:26:24 > 0:26:27only drinking some water, weren't he?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29He's gone whack job!
0:26:29 > 0:26:31It depends on the size of the bottle.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33If it's, like, one of those massive,
0:26:33 > 0:26:36like, five litre ones and you're like...
0:26:36 > 0:26:37The water cooler.
0:26:37 > 0:26:43- I suppose, at my age, I feel I should have a Thermos.- Yeah!
0:26:43 > 0:26:44I tell you what I do like,
0:26:44 > 0:26:48you know when there's those water machines and you get the paper cone,
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- the pointy...I love those!- Yeah!
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Like drinking out of a '60s brassiere.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55LAUGHTER
0:26:55 > 0:27:00- And, also, for a Klan meeting, you've got the hat.- The pointy hat!
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Do you ever complain at these hotels, Ross?
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- Complain?- About the water thing?
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- Yeah, of course, I do. - How does that go?
0:27:08 > 0:27:11I generally end up with no teeth in a bar in Caracas.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13LAUGHTER
0:27:13 > 0:27:14Fair enough!
0:27:14 > 0:27:16We come to the end of that round,
0:27:16 > 0:27:19and I like the enforced seating plans.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21I think there's too many people who would only ever talk to their
0:27:21 > 0:27:23partner, and I think that's a good thing,
0:27:23 > 0:27:26although it can be a bit uncomfortable at first.
0:27:26 > 0:27:31Now, these two, I like the idea of there not being insurance.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33I've not really worked out...how we all cope.
0:27:33 > 0:27:38Yeah, I think me might probably need insurance of some kind.
0:27:38 > 0:27:39I hate to say it.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43But the whole concept of bottled water is one thing,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45but people taking advantage of a place
0:27:45 > 0:27:47where you can't drink the water,
0:27:47 > 0:27:50I mean, it's an absolute scandal.
0:27:50 > 0:27:55Thus, I should put expensive water in hotels into Room 101.
0:27:55 > 0:27:56Thank you.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:06 > 0:28:09And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Well done, Ross. You were the most persuasive guest this week
0:28:12 > 0:28:14and, let's face it, the most frightening.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16So, you're this week's winner.
0:28:16 > 0:28:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Thanks very much to Rob Beckett,
0:28:24 > 0:28:27Ross Kemp and Sophie Ellis-Bextor, and thank you, goodnight.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE