0:00:32 > 0:00:36Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:36 > 0:00:38the show where three guests compete
0:00:38 > 0:00:42to cast their biggest gripes deep into the gloomy vault.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43They'll have to argue their case well,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46because in each round only one item can be chosen.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48The final decision is mine.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Joining me tonight are I predict a riot, Joe Lycett.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Oh, my God, I can't believe it's Zoe Lyons,
0:00:54 > 0:00:57and every day I love you less and less, Ricky Wilson.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:04Let's get ready to grumble!
0:01:06 > 0:01:07Oh, lovely.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10OK. So, what's upsetting Ricky?
0:01:13 > 0:01:15It's new towels, Frank.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18New towels, why?
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Well, in my line of work I use a lot of new towels.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22I don't know why.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25I think people try and impress you with new towels.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28And there's nothing that impresses me less than a new towel, Frank.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30The thing about new towels is,
0:01:30 > 0:01:34you have to wash a towel before it's usable.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Now, who makes something and then the person who's purchased it
0:01:38 > 0:01:40has to put it through a process,
0:01:40 > 0:01:42a manufacturing process, if you will,
0:01:42 > 0:01:45in order for it to do the use it's supposed to do?
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Cos a new towel, Frank, doesn't absorb anything.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Have you experienced this, or is it just me?
0:01:50 > 0:01:52AUDIENCE: Yes.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56- No, you're absolutely right. - And a new towel, Frank, leaves fluff everywhere,
0:01:56 > 0:01:59all over your body, and you have to have another shower
0:01:59 > 0:02:02while you're washing a towel,
0:02:02 > 0:02:05to then get the fluff off you.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Hang on, though. If you put new towels into Room 101,
0:02:09 > 0:02:11then that means all towels go in,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14cos you can't have an old towel without it having been new
0:02:14 > 0:02:16at one stage.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:18 > 0:02:19Well...
0:02:19 > 0:02:22That's an interesting thought process there you've got.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25I think the current old towels will still remain,
0:02:25 > 0:02:27- cos I won't put them in.- No.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Oh, I see. So we've got to use the towels
0:02:29 > 0:02:31that reside in the world presently?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Yes. We've got to use them forever.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36And necessity is the mother of invention.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38And by the time all those towels have worn out
0:02:38 > 0:02:40they'll be a new way of drying.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- Global warming?- Yes!
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Have you ever stayed...? You must stay in some lovely hotels,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50I guess you all do. Have you ever stayed in those places
0:02:50 > 0:02:53where they fold the towels into a...
0:02:53 > 0:02:54- Yes!- ..shape for you?- Yeah.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57I checked into a hotel in Cardiff
0:02:57 > 0:02:59and this was on my bed when I got in.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03I've had an elephant.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Someone had gone to the trouble...
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Are we sure it's an elephant?
0:03:10 > 0:03:11No, that's my pants.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15We have another one. This is a squid.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22- I don't think you should be allowed to add eyes.- No.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26Is it a squid or the leader of the Ku Klux Klan?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Maybe it's just his hat.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30He just arrived and thought,
0:03:30 > 0:03:34"I'll put me hat there, go and have a quick shower."
0:03:34 > 0:03:36I mean, he could have made a hole in the bed
0:03:36 > 0:03:39and it's actually him just ready to pop out.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Well, that's obviously his jacket underneath.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47The head of the Ku Klux Klan after he's been run over!
0:03:49 > 0:03:53There aren't many people on earth you can laugh about being run over,
0:03:53 > 0:03:54but the Ku Klux Klan, fine.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59This one I am particularly interested in.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Now, I don't want to alarm anyone,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11but if I was doing a gig and I got back to my hotel,
0:04:11 > 0:04:14say, 1.30 in the morning, and that was on the bed,
0:04:14 > 0:04:18I don't know if I'd be responsible for my actions.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21By the way, why do tea towels,
0:04:21 > 0:04:25why are they made out of different stuff from human being towels?
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Because we're made of different stuff than plates.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31APPLAUSE
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Oh, yeah. You're right.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Do you do...? Women don't do this, I guess,
0:04:39 > 0:04:43but you know that thing when you sort of wear a towel as a sarong,
0:04:43 > 0:04:45you sort of tie it round your waist.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49- Women have it up here, don't they, for obvious reasons.- Yeah.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51It depends how old you are, Frank!
0:04:54 > 0:04:57It can drop quite considerably.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- Interesting point! - That'll do, just tuck them in.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04- In the end, one small tea towel would cover the whole thing.- Yeah.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06A couple of oven gloves.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Quite happily open the door to the postman like that.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Oh, is that for me?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Just put the letters under there.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19I'll read those later.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23What about...? Have you seen these?
0:05:23 > 0:05:24ZOE GASPS
0:05:24 > 0:05:26These are towel gloves.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31And so you get... You come out of the shower, and then...
0:05:31 > 0:05:32And Frank's there!
0:05:35 > 0:05:37And then you just do...
0:05:37 > 0:05:41It's great, it's like being frisked by a Muppet.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47It's a good idea, though, don't you think?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Really?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Please host the rest of the show with those on.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54If people put it on, though, and don't know what's going on,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56they'll be startled.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Let me show you...
0:05:57 > 0:06:02This is a towel which is the cover of Playboy.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04And so the idea is you can have it on the beach,
0:06:04 > 0:06:06and you can lie on it and it makes it
0:06:06 > 0:06:08like you're on the cover of Playboy.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Oh!
0:06:12 > 0:06:15I bought one, and...
0:06:15 > 0:06:17see what you think of this.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Just bear with me. Talk amongst yourselves, it's fine.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22I'm just glad you're here.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28It'll all be revealed in a minute.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32This is like someone's dad trying to make them have a good time.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34It's almost exactly that.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Oh, great.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:47 > 0:06:48That's looks pretty good.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I genuinely think this is a great idea.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58I'm getting one of those. Do they do them in Horse And Hound?
0:07:01 > 0:07:02Puzzler.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06OK, so what is upsetting Joe Lycett?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16People that show me YouTube videos.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Like, people showing me any video, ever.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20It doesn't have to be YouTube.
0:07:20 > 0:07:25Just somebody showing me a video that they think is funny.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29And 99,000 times
0:07:29 > 0:07:31out of 99,000, it's not.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36I have a friend who does this in the pub a lot,
0:07:36 > 0:07:38and will insist that I put headphones in
0:07:38 > 0:07:40in order to watch the video.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42And will do the face of expectation, that,
0:07:42 > 0:07:44"Oh, you're going to find this so funny."
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Which is...
0:07:47 > 0:07:49And then it's a video of a cat walking.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55It's a cat, that's how they walk, they've got legs.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57So what I've started doing with her,
0:07:57 > 0:08:01because if it's over 30 seconds, my heart sinks as well.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04What I've started doing now is I will show her videos,
0:08:04 > 0:08:07but I'll just get, like, the Lord Of The Rings up on Netflix.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Just like, "Enjoy that."
0:08:09 > 0:08:13Can I say, first of all, I generally agree with you.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15But occasionally I will have something on my phone
0:08:15 > 0:08:18that I am so desperate to share,
0:08:18 > 0:08:20even though I think it's wrong.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22"Room 101, look, I was so good on it," like that.
0:08:25 > 0:08:26I'll give you an example.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30I met Buzz Aldrin, the astronaut.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31Oh, you didn't show him a cat video?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34No, I didn't. And he's in his 80s now,
0:08:34 > 0:08:38and he's had quite a full-on face-lift.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40And I had my picture took,
0:08:40 > 0:08:42as you would with Buzz Aldrin,
0:08:42 > 0:08:47but because of the face-lift I thought it looks like
0:08:47 > 0:08:52a picture of me on tour doing a ventriloquist act
0:08:52 > 0:08:55with a Buzz Aldrin puppet.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Here it is.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03LAUGHER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:07 > 0:09:09So, where have you been, Buzz?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13I've been to the moon.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18You can see why, if you're in a pub, you really want to show people that.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21But that's fine. That's a picture and a lovely story.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25If you had a three-minute video of you meeting Buzz Aldrin,
0:09:25 > 0:09:26I'm not interested.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29But people used to do other stuff in pubs before this.
0:09:29 > 0:09:34You know, by that stage in the evening we'd be congaing.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37We congaed, like, most nights.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40I've been on congas where we had to get the bus back
0:09:40 > 0:09:43to where we started.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46People used to do pub games and stuff like that.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Do you remember that thing with the beer mats
0:09:48 > 0:09:50where you used to put them on the side of the...?
0:09:50 > 0:09:51Can he do it? Can he still do it?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- Come on!- Oh! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:57 > 0:09:59What about the coins?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03The coins. Do you remember the coins on the elbow?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06I'm finding you so hot right now.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10Now, if you miss this, you can blind people.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12I'm going to stand for this, OK?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14So you put a pile of coins...
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Oh, God.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Oh, my goodness.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21- Oh!- Come on! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:29 > 0:10:31I mean, I know it's an old cliche,
0:10:31 > 0:10:34but I think we did make our own entertainment in them days
0:10:34 > 0:10:36rather than just saying, "Look at that."
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Yeah. I mean, phones have been around pretty much all of
0:10:38 > 0:10:40my drinking, pub years,
0:10:40 > 0:10:43so it's been a growing thing.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46And I may as well just get drunk in the bath
0:10:46 > 0:10:50with my phone on YouTube and not have to deal with other people.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Maybe I want to put people in Room 101, actually.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55I hate if you're on a train, though, or something,
0:10:55 > 0:10:58and somebody's clearly watching a video on their phone on a train
0:10:58 > 0:11:01or a public space, and it's got full volume on it.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05And they seem to be completely oblivious to the amount of
0:11:05 > 0:11:07irritant that it's causing to people around them.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09This happened to me the other day,
0:11:09 > 0:11:11and somebody was playing music really loudly on their phone
0:11:11 > 0:11:15on a train and I just did that beautifully British thing
0:11:15 > 0:11:18of just going, "That's really annoying.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20"I'm going to say something."
0:11:20 > 0:11:23And then I didn't, I just meerkated them.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27And then I just sat back down again,
0:11:27 > 0:11:28and that was all I did.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30You should've filmed it, put it online,
0:11:30 > 0:11:33and then gone over and said, "Have you seen this?"
0:11:34 > 0:11:38OK, so what's upsetting Zoe Lyons?
0:11:41 > 0:11:44It's escalators, Frank.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46- What? Why?- I don't like them.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49They frighten me. They really frighten me.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52They're basically like, very, very aggressive stairs.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56If you've ever stopped to look at an escalator,
0:11:56 > 0:11:59it's basically stairs with teeth.
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Good point.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03And I have never mounted,
0:12:03 > 0:12:05nor dismounted an escalator confidently.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09I always approach it with a slight air of trepidation,
0:12:09 > 0:12:12because I'm not... I've got really bad balance,
0:12:12 > 0:12:15so I've never been able to just sort of glide onto one quite happily
0:12:15 > 0:12:18and then just ride up the escalator, and then glide off the other end.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19There's always a moment of...
0:12:22 > 0:12:25And then I'm not relaxed through the whole journey.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28And then there's a...
0:12:28 > 0:12:29- when I get off at the other end.- Yes.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31And the other thing I hate is when,
0:12:31 > 0:12:35cos I do need to hold on to the moving handle as well,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38and quite often it moves at a different pace...
0:12:38 > 0:12:41LAUGHTER
0:12:41 > 0:12:44..to the rest of your torso, so you're...
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- Yes.- It's a constant adjustment.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48And I think it...
0:12:48 > 0:12:51I'm working in London a lot, and if you're working in London,
0:12:51 > 0:12:55the escalators are incredibly territorial in the capital.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56They really, really are.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59And there's a code of conduct on the escalators in London,
0:12:59 > 0:13:03you stand on the left, you walk on the right. And...
0:13:03 > 0:13:05You stand on the right.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06Oh, God, do you!
0:13:06 > 0:13:08BOOING
0:13:08 > 0:13:10That's why you've been upsetting people.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- You stand on the... No, what side do you stand on?- Stand on the right.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Stand on the right, don't you? Yes. Yes!
0:13:16 > 0:13:19That's why I've got so many enemies.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22I don't mind a travelator.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23I love a travelator.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Well, I've got a tweet of yours, actually,
0:13:26 > 0:13:29which refers to a travelator.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Yep.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43That kind of hard-hitting truth will change the world, my friends.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45That tweet was sent at 3am.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47- Yeah.- Everything all right at home?
0:13:51 > 0:13:52I do know what you mean,
0:13:52 > 0:13:54because when people stop on it
0:13:54 > 0:13:56they're actually going slower than a walk,
0:13:56 > 0:14:00- which isn't the point of it. The point of it is to speed you up. - No, it is though.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I so disagree with this.
0:14:02 > 0:14:08People have worked in laboratories and engineering...
0:14:08 > 0:14:11booths to make these things,
0:14:11 > 0:14:15and the idea is that they move us without us doing anything.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18So don't get on and start helping it,
0:14:18 > 0:14:20let it do its job.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22I do not ever, ever walk,
0:14:22 > 0:14:26never on an escalator, travelator.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28- Never.- You've got to.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- No!- Cos just for that moment you feel like a,
0:14:31 > 0:14:34I was going to say pedigree horse.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37But do you know what I mean? You're like, this is...
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Like if you were a minor superhero.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42But then you have that moment of coming off
0:14:42 > 0:14:46- where it's like running down a hill.- Yeah.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I like the idea of a minor superhero's power being,
0:14:48 > 0:14:51"I can go slightly quicker."
0:14:52 > 0:14:54OK. I love escalators.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56I don't think you're using them properly.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58You stand on them and then you wait.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00That's the simple thing.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04And I think, because very, very occasionally,
0:15:04 > 0:15:08you get an interesting YouTube video.
0:15:08 > 0:15:09I mean, one in a million,
0:15:09 > 0:15:13but, even so, you never get a good new towel in a million.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14They're impossible.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17So I am going to put new towels into Room 101.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19APPLAUSE
0:15:25 > 0:15:27CHEERING
0:15:28 > 0:15:32OK. So what's upsetting Ricky Wilson?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- It's bin day.- Oh!
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Now, it might seem innocuous,
0:15:41 > 0:15:46but if I get bin day wrong in any capacity
0:15:46 > 0:15:50it really throws me out of whack for the rest of the week.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52There's different coloured bags,
0:15:52 > 0:15:54there's the fact that in your neighbourhood
0:15:54 > 0:15:58you can become a social pariah for getting something wrong with that.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00It's getting harder and harder to keep up with the changes,
0:16:00 > 0:16:03and I'm a relatively young man, Frank.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- I know.- And the other day I was looking out my window,
0:16:06 > 0:16:09and there's a little paparazzi guy that likes to hang around at the end
0:16:09 > 0:16:11of my street. And I put the bins out and I went upstairs,
0:16:11 > 0:16:13I looked out of the window, and he ran across the road
0:16:13 > 0:16:15and he took a bag out and ran away.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17AUDIENCE GASPS
0:16:17 > 0:16:22And then I told this to a DJ and I said, "This guy..."
0:16:22 > 0:16:26- And he goes, "Yeah, they probably just want to find out if you're getting high."- Wow.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27I'm not getting high,
0:16:27 > 0:16:29but I was so embarrassed.
0:16:29 > 0:16:34I thought he's just going to find out that I don't recycle properly!
0:16:34 > 0:16:37- Which, in this day and age... - Is worse than getting high. - ..is worse.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39I live with my parents,
0:16:39 > 0:16:42and I don't know anything of what you've just talked about.
0:16:44 > 0:16:49It's basically, along with not looking forward to post,
0:16:49 > 0:16:51I think it's a mark of adulthood.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Hang on. There's a day, like Christmas Day?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58More than one day a year, Joe,
0:16:58 > 0:17:01otherwise it would build up quite considerably.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Like the Winter of Discontent all the time.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08- Once a week, isn't it?- OK, so it's the day that it's emptied,
0:17:08 > 0:17:11rather than a celebration of the concept of bins.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- It's not like Thanksgiving.- Right.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17It's the day they empty the bins.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Oh, bin day!
0:17:20 > 0:17:23In our road they take everything on a Tuesday.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- Everything?- I mean, they don't always return it.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28I get back from work,
0:17:28 > 0:17:32the bin men have left my bin so far from my front gate
0:17:32 > 0:17:35they've become the responsibility of another local council.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41I've seen urban foxes going, "I've completely lost my bearings.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42"Where's the bins?"
0:17:42 > 0:17:45We don't have a bin day where I am.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- What?- I know. But we've got communal bins in the street where I live,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50because it's a lot of flats.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- Do you live in prison? - I live in prison.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56It all goes down a chute. We get showered on a Monday,
0:17:56 > 0:17:59bins get cleaned out on a Tuesday.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03No, every so often along the street you'll have a big communal bin,
0:18:03 > 0:18:05and that's where you put your rubbish.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Is your bin a big one with, like, a hole in the front?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- A hole in the front.- I know this because on your Twitter,
0:18:10 > 0:18:13you do a series of things left by the bins.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- Oh, I love these.- Yeah, I'm obsessed with things that people leave by bins.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19This is from Zoe's Twitter account.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24And I've found that like that. I didn't set it up.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Somebody had put that by a bin.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29An entire dining room set.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33- It looks like the bin has convened a meeting.- Yes!
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Thank you for coming.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38I think we need to talk about the recycling in this area.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42Bin day will be changing to Thursday from now on.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45And then this one, there's something tragic about this one.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Cos that used to be one of those milk fridges that...
0:18:52 > 0:18:54HE IMITATES FRIDGE HUMMING
0:18:54 > 0:18:58It lit up, people looked to it for nourishment.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00And now it looks like it's being sick.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05I took that picture in Scotland, so maybe it was being sick.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Oh, so you do it wherever you are?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10You don't just do it in your own...
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Yeah. No, all around the country you can find...
0:19:12 > 0:19:13It's a weird hobby, but, you know,
0:19:13 > 0:19:15it keeps me occupied.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19I like it. I think you'll grow into bin day.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Cos I didn't used to like it.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22As I've got older,
0:19:22 > 0:19:26it's probably one of the main social events of my week.
0:19:27 > 0:19:32Whenever I take the bins out, I'm out there 20 minutes talking to neighbours and...
0:19:32 > 0:19:36I remember I found myself with an elbow on the wheelie bin
0:19:36 > 0:19:40and this hand, sort of, left free for high-fiving.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45The only time I wear Crocs is when I put the bins out.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48AUDIENCE GROANS
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Can you actually physically feel yourself
0:19:51 > 0:19:54go down in someone's estimation?
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Surely the fact I put my own bins out is recommendation enough?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02OK, so what's upsetting Zoe?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07It's running out of loo roll.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Do you want to elaborate?
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Well, this is a double-fold horror,
0:20:14 > 0:20:16or two-ply, if you will.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21The first horror of running out of loo roll is in your own home when,
0:20:21 > 0:20:24I think running out of loo roll as an adult
0:20:24 > 0:20:28just makes you feel like you are failing so badly as a human being.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30It is such a basic need.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33And whenever I do run out of loo roll at home I always think
0:20:33 > 0:20:35there are people who've invented the internet,
0:20:35 > 0:20:37they've put people on the moon,
0:20:37 > 0:20:40they've developed the Hadron Collider,
0:20:40 > 0:20:44and now I can't even wipe my bottom!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46I am failing as a human being.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49I think, worse than that, though,
0:20:49 > 0:20:51is running out of loo roll
0:20:51 > 0:20:55or discovering there's no loo roll in a public loo,
0:20:55 > 0:20:56if you're out and about.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Because there's that moment of realisation, isn't there?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Just that moment where you're just having a little you time
0:21:02 > 0:21:04or whatever, and then the old...
0:21:08 > 0:21:10And then you do the most exaggerated Zumba movements
0:21:10 > 0:21:12you'll ever do, just in the disbelief.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15"It's got to be somewhere. It's got to be on a pipe somewhere.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17"It's got to be! It's got to be!"
0:21:17 > 0:21:19As a woman, it's a bit easier probably if you're in a cubicle
0:21:19 > 0:21:22and there's other women beside you, you can always do that thing,
0:21:22 > 0:21:23I'm sure you've all done it.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25"Have you got any loo roll? Have you got any loo roll?"
0:21:25 > 0:21:29And somebody's going, "Yeah, I've got some loo roll, hun. I'll pass you some through."
0:21:29 > 0:21:32And then they pass you one sheet, and you're like,
0:21:32 > 0:21:34"What you think I am, a dormouse?"
0:21:36 > 0:21:38And then there's the horrible, sort of, moment where you have to go,
0:21:38 > 0:21:43- GRUFF VOICE:- "I'm going to need more than that, love."
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Do you remember the tracing paper toilet paper
0:21:46 > 0:21:47you used to have at school?
0:21:47 > 0:21:48- Oh, yes.- Like a new towel.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Yes, like a new towel! How did they think that was ever going to work?
0:21:52 > 0:21:56- The most popular make was a thing called Izal.- Yes. Yeah.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Cos my dad was a school caretaker,
0:21:58 > 0:22:03so we had about 400 rolls in our house.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05But for us it was an improvement.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Honestly, for the first 12, 13 years of my life,
0:22:08 > 0:22:09we used newspaper.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11That's what we had in our toilet.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14So we were low on hygiene, but high on current affairs.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I was in a toilet once
0:22:18 > 0:22:20and realised there was no toilet paper,
0:22:20 > 0:22:24and I ended up using a KFC lemon-scented wet wipe.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28You had to go to KFC?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30No, I had one with me.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32And... I don't know,
0:22:32 > 0:22:35it just made the whole experience a bit more...
0:22:35 > 0:22:37zingy.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41I had one of the worst experiences of my entire life
0:22:41 > 0:22:45as a result of there being toilet paper.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Because I had a cold a couple of years ago
0:22:47 > 0:22:50where I was blowing my nose, like, constantly,
0:22:50 > 0:22:52it was one of those that was streaming.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56And I got used to, basically, excusing myself from whenever I was,
0:22:56 > 0:22:59going to the toilet, blowing my nose in the toilet,
0:22:59 > 0:23:02and then trying to get back on with my day.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05And I was in a restaurant, and I got there,
0:23:05 > 0:23:06said hello to everybody,
0:23:06 > 0:23:09and then went to blow my nose in the toilet,
0:23:09 > 0:23:11and also use the toilet.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14And on the toilet seat was urine
0:23:14 > 0:23:17from the previous person who had been there,
0:23:17 > 0:23:20so I got some toilet roll out to wipe up the urine,
0:23:20 > 0:23:23but because I was unwell and not really thinking clearly...
0:23:23 > 0:23:26AUDIENCE SHOUTS No!
0:23:26 > 0:23:30And I realised as I'd done it
0:23:30 > 0:23:31what I'd done...
0:23:33 > 0:23:36..and I just left the restaurant.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I couldn't cope with it.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41That's really stuck with me.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Well, it would.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Next question.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51OK, so what's upsetting Joe?
0:23:58 > 0:24:01The bartender at my local pub.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05Specifically The Actress and Bishop in Birmingham.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I don't know if you're familiar, Frank,
0:24:08 > 0:24:13with the beer pumps that have sort of frosting on them.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I don't go in pubs much now.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17The whole thing is...
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- The whole pump has got, like, a layer of ice on it.- OK.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23And I've since discovered that it is just for marketing purposes,
0:24:23 > 0:24:27- it doesn't actually affect the temperature of the beer.- OK.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I'm quite hot-blooded.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31I get very clammy palms,
0:24:31 > 0:24:33and so whenever I go into a pub and I see one of these
0:24:33 > 0:24:37I like to put my hand on it to cool my hand down.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44I went into the Actress And Bishop,
0:24:44 > 0:24:46put my hand on the pump,
0:24:46 > 0:24:50and the bartender went, "Get your hands off my pump!"
0:24:50 > 0:24:54- Like that, really aggressively. - As the actress said to the bishop!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58APPLAUSE
0:24:59 > 0:25:02No, as the knobhead said to Joe.
0:25:04 > 0:25:05And I didn't like his tone,
0:25:05 > 0:25:08the way he'd said it to me, because it was very aggressive.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11So I'd had a few pints by that point,
0:25:11 > 0:25:14I cajoled the people in the pub to,
0:25:14 > 0:25:16when he wasn't looking,
0:25:16 > 0:25:19to go over and just gently rest their hand on the pump
0:25:19 > 0:25:23in order to melt it down to the metal core.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Well, you kindly brought photographic evidence of this.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Yes, that's Gerard, with his hand on the pump.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32And then Harry had a go. I mean, we got all sorts of people,
0:25:32 > 0:25:34like, just people we didn't know.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36We actually got one of the other bartenders in there
0:25:36 > 0:25:39to have a go at it. And then this is the result.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40I mean, that is a success.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43- That was about 20 people having a go.- We contacted him.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45No!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47No. No, no, no.
0:25:47 > 0:25:48- He's not here.- Oh, God.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51He couldn't come, he said...
0:25:51 > 0:25:54- He's guarding his pump. - Yes, exactly.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57He sent us a couple of messages.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58One was,
0:25:58 > 0:26:02"He always puts his hands on my bloody beer tap. Drives me insane.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03"Nincompoop.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10I'm imagining him in tweeds and a monocle.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14Oh, he's used the word nincompoop. That's quite sweet, really, isn't it?
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Yeah, I don't know if you'll like this one. He goes on,
0:26:16 > 0:26:20"I can confirm it is myself who keeps asking him to get off
0:26:20 > 0:26:22"the ice beer tap.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25"These famous people think they can get away with murder."
0:26:28 > 0:26:31And encloses a picture of OJ Simpson.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35He doesn't. He doesn't.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Again, so he's not taking my point in any way there, though.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41He's not actually engaging with the issue here,
0:26:41 > 0:26:45which is that his tone is unacceptable.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49Next time I see him, I'm going to go back with some de-icer.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51APPLAUSE
0:26:54 > 0:26:56I don't know if you're aware of this,
0:26:56 > 0:27:01but a man was stuck for two minutes to one of these pumps by licking it.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05This is his release, but it doesn't look like fun to me.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Oh, I miss alcohol(!)
0:27:27 > 0:27:31I'd sort of see, no-one likes to be spoken to aggressively,
0:27:31 > 0:27:33he could have handled it better, you're quite right.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35But what you launched was a vendetta.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40- Yeah.- Yeah!- Quite right.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42- OK.- I want his life ruined.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46I...
0:27:46 > 0:27:50I don't think I'm going to put that man in, Joe.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53I mean, he's been kind enough to send an abusive comment.
0:27:55 > 0:27:56And I respect him for that.
0:27:56 > 0:28:02And I say bin day is really the only time I really meet people,
0:28:02 > 0:28:04so I'm going to stick with that.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07But I think, no matter who you are,
0:28:07 > 0:28:09be you a peasant or a king,
0:28:09 > 0:28:13there is something so terrifying about running out of loo roll.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16And so I'm going to put that into Room 101.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:27 > 0:28:29And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Well done, Zoe. You were the most persuasive guest,
0:28:31 > 0:28:34- so you are this week's winner. - Thank you very much.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:40 > 0:28:44Thank you very much to Joe Lycett, Ricky Wilson and Zoe Lyons.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46And thank you, good night.