0:00:20 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:36Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:36 > 0:00:38the show where three guests compete
0:00:38 > 0:00:41to condemn their deepest dislikes to the dreadful Room 101.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44They'll have to argue their case well because in each round,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47only one item can be chosen. The final decision is mine.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Joining me tonight are King of the North, Alun Cochrane,
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Queen of the South, Gabby Logan,
0:00:52 > 0:00:54and Richard the Nerd, Richard Ayoade.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:00:59 > 0:01:03OK, let's get ready to grumble. LAUGHTER
0:01:03 > 0:01:05And let's see what's upsetting Gabby Logan.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Half and half football scarves, Frank.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Whoo! - Yeah, they are a recent phenomena.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18I would say it's only in the last six or seven seasons
0:01:18 > 0:01:21- that they have become a thing.- Mm. - To the point now,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24where there is almost not a Premier League fixture that goes by
0:01:24 > 0:01:28where people don't feel the need to be peddling and, therefore,
0:01:28 > 0:01:30other people buying these half and half scarves.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33I've tried hard to work out if there is a justification,
0:01:33 > 0:01:35if there is a reason why they should exist
0:01:35 > 0:01:37and I shouldn't be quite so angry about them.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38I can't think of anything.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42The whole point of football is to be parochial, to be tribal,
0:01:42 > 0:01:47to be committed to a team in your area and it's just wishy-washy,
0:01:47 > 0:01:52it's indecisive, it shows a lack of commitment and they've got to go.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:57 > 0:01:59I mean, some people could argue, I suppose,
0:01:59 > 0:02:05that it suggests a lack of aggression and that partisan thing
0:02:05 > 0:02:07and there's love in the room.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10I love both these teams, I want them both to play well.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11But I hate that idea.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- Can I just check...? Sorry. - LAUGHTER
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- Are these things mocked up on a match by match basis?- Yes.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- So, what's your knitwear bill? - LAUGHTER
0:02:20 > 0:02:23I just can't think of anybody who'd grow up in Liverpool
0:02:23 > 0:02:26and be a massive Red - that's a Liverpool fan.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- OK, not a commie.- No. - LAUGHTER
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- But they could be both.- OK. - They could be both.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Do you get any commie-fascist scarves?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36LAUGHTER
0:02:36 > 0:02:38They go, "I don't know, they both seem extreme ideologies."
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Liverpool, actually, have got
0:02:41 > 0:02:45the best half and half scarf I've ever seen, which is this one.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49LAUGHTER
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- That, I find acceptable. - Because what that means, Richard...
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- Thank you. - It says there are only two teams
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- and actually, there IS another team. It's called Everton.- Shut up!- Yep.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58LAUGHTER
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- For the same town?- Yeah.- Yeah. - They're good, aren't they?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03LAUGHTER
0:03:03 > 0:03:06It's strange, to me, that they've gone for the scarf
0:03:06 > 0:03:09as the half and half souvenir of knitwear.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12You'd think gloves would lend themselves.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14LAUGHTER
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Because then any surplus that are not sold could be rematched
0:03:17 > 0:03:22- to an opposite for a future Liverpool or United game.- Yes.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26- And thus, they cut down on waste. - That is better.
0:03:26 > 0:03:31I've got a towel, which has got two halves - white and...
0:03:32 > 0:03:34..and not white.
0:03:34 > 0:03:39- And it's got "FACE" on one side. - Oh...- And I can't re...
0:03:39 > 0:03:43I think ELBOW on the other, I always get those mixed up.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46But anyway, you use it accordingly.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Which, at least, has got a practical message behind it.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53The thing is, these great rivalries that we have in football
0:03:53 > 0:03:57in this country, obviously, the local derby rivalries,
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Newcastle against Sunderland, you've got, in Scotland,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- Glasgow Rangers against Glasgow Celtic.- Ooh.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Liverpool, Everton. And the idea that you would have...
0:04:06 > 0:04:09OK, say Aston Villa go back to the Premier League, OK.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12LAUGHTER
0:04:12 > 0:04:15The idea that you'd have a scarf that has Aston Villa on one side
0:04:15 > 0:04:18and West Bromwich Albion on the other must fill you with delight,
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- the idea of wearing that. - Well, it's not dissimilar to this.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22LAUGHTER
0:04:22 > 0:04:25APPLAUSE
0:04:25 > 0:04:30What do you think about this version of the half and half?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32This is a sort of romantic version.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- Ah.- OK.- "Together since 2014."
0:04:37 > 0:04:41To me, that looks like, "Together since she was 14."
0:04:41 > 0:04:44LAUGHTER
0:04:44 > 0:04:47APPLAUSE
0:04:49 > 0:04:52And if it started when he was 20, you should not be applauding that.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54No. LAUGHTER
0:04:54 > 0:04:55The problem with that, though,
0:04:55 > 0:05:00is if he wears it to five-a-side and she's busy, it just looks weird.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04- No, I didn't mention his name is Paul Together.- Oh, OK.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06There's a song Paul Together Now.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07LAUGHTER
0:05:07 > 0:05:10See, I've got twins and one's an Arsenal fan and one's a Spurs fan.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14- They couldn't have, you know...- So, you've got half and half children!
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- Yeah.- And you mind a scarf.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21But the idea that they would get together and have a scarf made.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22- Right.- No way, no way.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26Well, I went to West Brom-Manchester City
0:05:26 > 0:05:29and they lost 4-0 at home to Manchester City
0:05:29 > 0:05:33and there was a period when we actually had the ball for a bit
0:05:33 > 0:05:35and the fans started going,
0:05:35 > 0:05:39# We've got the ball We've got the ball
0:05:39 > 0:05:42# We've got the... We've lost the ball. #
0:05:42 > 0:05:45They kept that going for about 20 minutes.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48It puts tremendous pressure on the players, I think.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52I feel that should be the theme song of football.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54LAUGHTER
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- It's basically football commentary...- Yeah.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59..melted down to a quintessence.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02That's the haiku version of football.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04LAUGHTER
0:06:04 > 0:06:06So, what's upsetting Richard?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Audiences cheering...
0:06:11 > 0:06:13LAUGHTER
0:06:13 > 0:06:15I mean, that could be enough,
0:06:15 > 0:06:18but audiences cheering at the name of the town in which they reside.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20LAUGHTER
0:06:20 > 0:06:25I don't quite... I just don't see why you need to emit that sound.
0:06:25 > 0:06:30I'm from Ipswich, so, obviously, I can't emit joy.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32LAUGHTER
0:06:32 > 0:06:35So, it seems very strange to me. I've never understood it.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- You say, "Hull." - AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Yay!
0:06:37 > 0:06:39LAUGHTER
0:06:39 > 0:06:44It seems odd. I don't know what I'm meant to do with that information.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Are you happy about Hull?
0:06:46 > 0:06:48You're happy. OK.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51LAUGHTER
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- I think it's a form of missionary work.- OK.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55It's that man saying,
0:06:55 > 0:06:57"You probably think it's terrible coming from Hull."
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- No, it's all right. - "When, in fact, it's, hey."- OK.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- I think he's selling Hull as a concept.- Right.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Yeah, I mean, it's not a LONG pitch for Hull.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08LAUGHTER
0:07:08 > 0:07:12It makes me feel like everyone's been hypnotised and someone's said,
0:07:12 > 0:07:15"When your town's name is mentioned,
0:07:15 > 0:07:18"obviously you'll have to go, 'Yay.'" And someone's gone...
0:07:18 > 0:07:21And they've never been snapped back out of it.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23It would make life difficult.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I mean, you obviously stand up and, you know,
0:07:25 > 0:07:27perform in front of an audience.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29You all do that and, actually, it's the easiest way
0:07:29 > 0:07:34to get a few people on side, to just mention a town.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Look, let's specify here,
0:07:35 > 0:07:38because I feel we're maybe getting off on the wrong foot.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41I'm not talking about the response to a specific enquiry
0:07:41 > 0:07:44addressed to an audience as to where they live.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47"Hooray," is a fine response.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51We can't all say, "Nine of us are from Preston."
0:07:51 > 0:07:53- A FEW AUDIENCE MEMBERS:- Yay! - Thank you.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57What I find odd is the mere mention of the name,
0:07:57 > 0:08:01in a Pavlovian sense, eliciting a "Hooray".
0:08:01 > 0:08:04That seems odd because why should that only exist in crowds?
0:08:04 > 0:08:07You should follow it through any time, when you're on your own,
0:08:07 > 0:08:13if you see it on a map. Any time, then say it.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15It would be odd if you were on your own, though,
0:08:15 > 0:08:17and you were watching the news and, "This evening,
0:08:17 > 0:08:21"we're bringing you news of a fatal accident in Hull." Yay!
0:08:21 > 0:08:23LAUGHTER
0:08:23 > 0:08:25If you're going to do it, follow it through.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Don't just do it cos you're in a public place.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Yeah, I think you could have a clause,
0:08:29 > 0:08:31"Not after the announcement of a fatal accident."
0:08:31 > 0:08:33That would be reasonable.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36The thing is, when I first started in comedy,
0:08:36 > 0:08:39which was...before the old king died...
0:08:39 > 0:08:41LAUGHTER
0:08:41 > 0:08:43..I'd say, "What do you do?" And people would say,
0:08:43 > 0:08:47"I'm a plumber" or something of that nature, and now they say to me,
0:08:47 > 0:08:53"I'm a consultative HR area managerial cooperative officer."
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- Yeah.- And then I say, "Where are you from?" And they say, "Ipswich."
0:08:56 > 0:08:59And I say, "Did you come on a tractor?" It gets a big laugh.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- Yeah. - LAUGHTER
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- It's a tough business, Richard. - Yeah.
0:09:04 > 0:09:10It's more the spontaneous whoop when a town is mentioned
0:09:10 > 0:09:13and also, it's existing in a group dynamic
0:09:13 > 0:09:15because, conversationally,
0:09:15 > 0:09:19if I were to say, "I went to Ipswich," and you went, "Yay!",
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- in a group of less than four... - Yeah.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25I don't know when it becomes all right to say, "Yay".
0:09:25 > 0:09:30- Is there a critical mass?- What if it was just me and you talking?- Yeah.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- Yeah, just mention Ipswich.- OK.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- I did this gig in Ipswich...- Yay!
0:09:36 > 0:09:39LAUGHTER
0:09:39 > 0:09:42OK, so what's upsetting Alun?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:53 > 0:09:57Advice, Frank, is what I'd like to put in Room 101 cos I think...
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Maybe I'm arrogant, but when people say,
0:10:00 > 0:10:03"I've got some advice for you," I often just think, "No."
0:10:03 > 0:10:05LAUGHTER
0:10:05 > 0:10:08No, don't bother. But a lot of advice is terrible.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Like, when you tot it up, a whole life,
0:10:10 > 0:10:13there's probably about three bits that are any use
0:10:13 > 0:10:15and one of them's yellow snow.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16LAUGHTER
0:10:16 > 0:10:21And the rest of it I just think is waffle, just bad, bad advice.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25A friend told me that he was told, when he was younger,
0:10:25 > 0:10:28dress for the job you want, not for the job you've got.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Have you heard that? That's apparently business advice.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33And people think it's good. It's not.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35He is serving a custodial sentence
0:10:35 > 0:10:38for repeatedly impersonating a police officer.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40LAUGHTER
0:10:40 > 0:10:41I think it's bad advice.
0:10:41 > 0:10:46I'm trying to remember if I've ever given Alun any advice.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47- Have I?- I don't think so.
0:10:47 > 0:10:52Cos comedians do, especially, you know, elder statesmen comics,
0:10:52 > 0:10:54like myself, sometimes.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56I remember an American comic,
0:10:56 > 0:10:59he said, "I'll tell you something about stand-up comedy,"
0:10:59 > 0:11:00and I thought, "This could be handy."
0:11:00 > 0:11:04He said, "Always take your wallet on stage."
0:11:04 > 0:11:07LAUGHTER
0:11:07 > 0:11:08- Sensible.- Yeah.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11And another guy, an English magician, actually,
0:11:11 > 0:11:15and he said to me, "I'll tell you something." I was very new.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17He said, "I'll tell you something, Frank.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20"When you get a BMW - and you will..."
0:11:20 > 0:11:22LAUGHTER
0:11:22 > 0:11:24"..get power-assisted steering."
0:11:24 > 0:11:26LAUGHTER
0:11:26 > 0:11:31That is the comedy advice that I've had. In my whole career, that's it.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34My dad was big on advice, my dad.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36He told me to keep salt in my pocket,
0:11:36 > 0:11:40so that if anyone approached me after dark in the street,
0:11:40 > 0:11:42I should throw it in their faces.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44LAUGHTER
0:11:44 > 0:11:46See, I think that's good advice.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47I'm going to make that four...
0:11:47 > 0:11:49LAUGHTER
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- Yeah.- ..that you get in a whole lifetime.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54And also, if you need to grit snow at short notice.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56LAUGHTER
0:11:56 > 0:11:58He even told me the method.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00He said what you would do if someone came over
0:12:00 > 0:12:03and said, "Give me your wristwatch,"
0:12:03 > 0:12:07you'd go, "Oh, look I don't want any trouble, I'll just... Ha-ha!"
0:12:07 > 0:12:09And then you'd get the salt. LAUGHTER
0:12:09 > 0:12:11He said, "Cos you want their eyes to be...
0:12:11 > 0:12:14"Make sure they're open. Don't give them any kind of hint."
0:12:14 > 0:12:17- And then you...- Will you pass that advice on to your son?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20No, because we've got, you know, mace and stuff now.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22LAUGHTER
0:12:22 > 0:12:24You've got to move with the times, I think.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25Now everyone uses sea salt,
0:12:25 > 0:12:27you'd have to just crumble it in their eyes.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29LAUGHTER
0:12:29 > 0:12:32- Exhausting. - LAUGHTER
0:12:32 > 0:12:34It's Jamie Oliver's fault.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38When I was a young man, I was in a pub, and a man told me,
0:12:38 > 0:12:42"If ever a dog bites you and locks its jaws...
0:12:43 > 0:12:46"..put your finger up its bottom and it will open its mouth."
0:12:46 > 0:12:48LAUGHTER
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- Right.- That's what he said.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53I based a cutting-edge ventriloquist act on it in the 1980s.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55LAUGHTER
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Frank Skinner and Bongo. Do you remember it?
0:12:57 > 0:13:03Does that work just for that particular bite?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06If it bites again, you can do it again.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09It's not a bee, where it bites you and then it dies.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12No, but at some stage, you've got to get that finger back out.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14LAUGHTER Yeah.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17And then where are you? You need a net.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- No, they open their mouth... - Yeah.- So, you've got it open.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22- Yeah, but now it's annoyed. - LAUGHTER
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Not necessarily.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Well, it's got something to say on the matter.
0:13:28 > 0:13:33It's either annoyed or quite attached. It's certainly attached.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- You've started a dialogue.- Yes.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40- It does... I've seen it work. - Oh, have you?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43LAUGHTER
0:13:43 > 0:13:48OK, so, I'm glad of any kind of cheering or applause I can get
0:13:48 > 0:13:53- at any gig, so I don't want to close down any areas.- Sure.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- So, you know...- That's OK.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59Advice, I mean, one does get good advice
0:13:59 > 0:14:01and I know it's thin on the ground,
0:14:01 > 0:14:05but when you get it, it can be really brilliant and uplifting.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07I just can't put in all advice.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09However, the half and half scarf, I think,
0:14:09 > 0:14:13is probably what's gone wrong with Great Britain and Europe.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14LAUGHTER
0:14:14 > 0:14:18And so, I'm going to put half and half scarves into Room 101.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22- Thank you. - APPLAUSE
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Righty ho. On we go with Gabby Logan.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38People who are afraid of flying.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Which sounds like I have no empathy
0:14:41 > 0:14:44and I'm very intolerant
0:14:44 > 0:14:47and it sounds like I don't care.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- Um, I don't, actually. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:50 > 0:14:54If you sit next to me on a flight... I've had a few of them lately.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58- Right.- You've bought the ticket, you know how it works.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01We're getting on a plane, we're going somewhere.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04It cannot be a surprise to you that we are going to take off.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06You've not watched The A-Team.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:10 > 0:15:12I've had a few bad experiences in the last 12 months
0:15:12 > 0:15:15and this has brought this to a head.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17I was on my way to Newcastle - just a quick hop,
0:15:17 > 0:15:19from London up to Newcastle -
0:15:19 > 0:15:21and the lady sat next to me in the middle,
0:15:21 > 0:15:22she sat down and pulled her coat off
0:15:22 > 0:15:25and she started kind of rubbing herself in an almost sexual manner,
0:15:25 > 0:15:27and I thought, "What's going on here?"
0:15:27 > 0:15:30And then she started sweating a bit and she started rocking
0:15:30 > 0:15:33and I thought, "We have somebody who's scared of flying,
0:15:33 > 0:15:37so I'm going to be there for her." I start off with a lot of compassion.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40I said, "Would you like some water?" She went, "No, no, no, I'm fine.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43"I'm on a bus, I'm on a bus, I'm on a bus, I'm on bus."
0:15:43 > 0:15:45I said, "No, we're on a plane. But, listen..."
0:15:45 > 0:15:47LAUGHTER
0:15:47 > 0:15:50"That's better because this is a lot safer than being on a bus.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53"You are far more likely to die being on a bus than a plane.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54"You're in a good place right now."
0:15:54 > 0:15:57So, she carries on with this whole thing and I said,
0:15:57 > 0:15:59"Look, I give this advice to anybody I sit next to
0:15:59 > 0:16:01"who's scared of flying, and it's this.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04"Have you ever met anybody who's had a little shunt at 35,000 feet?"
0:16:04 > 0:16:07And she said, "No." And I said, "No, that's cos they die." So...
0:16:07 > 0:16:10LAUGHTER
0:16:10 > 0:16:12It's logic.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13And it didn't occur to you
0:16:13 > 0:16:16that dying might be the thing she was afraid of?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18LAUGHTER
0:16:19 > 0:16:22I mean, because that is a legitimate fear.
0:16:22 > 0:16:28I think the only time I've been...concerned abut crashing,
0:16:28 > 0:16:31I was on a flight with Ant and Dec...
0:16:32 > 0:16:35..and it did occur to me that if the plane went down,
0:16:35 > 0:16:38they would get top billing in the...
0:16:38 > 0:16:40LAUGHTER
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- Right.- The headline would be "Ant and Dec die."
0:16:43 > 0:16:47And then, "Brummie comedian also perishes."
0:16:47 > 0:16:49LAUGHTER
0:16:49 > 0:16:53And that, I must say, I was glad when we got off that plane. I was...
0:16:53 > 0:16:55I understand that people might, you know,
0:16:55 > 0:16:59might have an apprehension about it but I don't see why it's any more,
0:16:59 > 0:17:02that they would have an apprehension about getting on a bus or...
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- People don't go... - SHE GASPS:- I'm getting in the car!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07The car is much more dangerous than the plane.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- It's not, though.- It IS, it's fact.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- It IS.- It's not.- It IS.- Also, I DO do that before I go into cars.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14LAUGHTER
0:17:14 > 0:17:18It's a lot more likely that you're going to die in a car accident
0:17:18 > 0:17:22- than a plane accident.- No.- Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:17:22 > 0:17:24No, what you mean is,
0:17:24 > 0:17:27it's a lot more likely that you're going to have a car accident
0:17:27 > 0:17:29but it's a lot more likely
0:17:29 > 0:17:31that you're going die in a plane accident.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- No.- Yeah.- No.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35LAUGHTER
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Can I give you some statistics?
0:17:37 > 0:17:41The US National Transport Safety Board did a survey
0:17:41 > 0:17:45of commercial airlines and these are the odds of dying in a plane crash.
0:17:45 > 0:17:51They are 1 for every 1.2 million flights.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54And this is what amazes me.
0:17:54 > 0:18:00Out of the planes that do crash, 96.7% of passengers survive.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- What?- Yes.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05See, your death thing isn't even any comfort.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07- LAUGHTER - We may crash,
0:18:07 > 0:18:09and there's a good chance we're going to survive this bloody thing.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11LAUGHTER
0:18:11 > 0:18:15Thus, the odds of dying in a plane crash are 1 in 11 million.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- Those odds are too high for me. - LAUGHTER
0:18:18 > 0:18:24Apparently, stewardesses often survive because they are protected
0:18:24 > 0:18:26by the hardened shell of their make-up.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29LAUGHTER
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Here's a man now.
0:18:31 > 0:18:36This man was on an aeroplane and it was said that he drank
0:18:36 > 0:18:41all of his duty-free liquor on the flight from Iceland to JFK
0:18:41 > 0:18:46and, in the end, he attacked a woman, spat on other passengers
0:18:46 > 0:18:48and screamed the plane was going to crash.
0:18:48 > 0:18:53And so they duct taped him to his seat.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Here he is.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57LAUGHTER
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Now, I wonder, if that plane crashed,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03maybe he might be the only person who'd survive,
0:19:03 > 0:19:08and we'd all discover that is actually the safest way to travel.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12OK, so, what's winding up Alun Cochrane?
0:19:16 > 0:19:20LAUGHTER
0:19:22 > 0:19:26It's people laughing out loud when reading a book.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29And it's especially people near ME
0:19:29 > 0:19:32laughing out loud when reading a book.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36I don't know why it grinds my gears quite as much,
0:19:36 > 0:19:39but that thing of, like... Ha-ha-ha.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Yeah, all right, we get it. We can all read.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45I think there's a bit of show-offiness, like,
0:19:45 > 0:19:47"Yeah, I'm reading a book!"
0:19:47 > 0:19:48And I think,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51"I've read loads of books but I'm not showing off about it.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53There's just a self-aggrandi-i...
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- There's a show-offiness about it. - LAUGHTER
0:19:56 > 0:19:59You need to read more books! LAUGHTER
0:19:59 > 0:20:01You say something funny, we go, "Ha-ha."
0:20:01 > 0:20:03But if somebody's written something funny,
0:20:03 > 0:20:08I feel like you should type, "LOL", or just write down, "Laughed".
0:20:08 > 0:20:12- In a notebook to the side of the book, just go, "Laughs."- Yeah.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16You could have marginalia. You could write, "Ha-ha" next to things.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18I think that's a perfectly appropriate response
0:20:18 > 0:20:21and I think there's a bit of people reading in public,
0:20:21 > 0:20:23going, "Oh, I'm reading."
0:20:23 > 0:20:26So, if I'm on a train and somebody near me's like,
0:20:26 > 0:20:28"Ha-ha-ha-ha", I just think, "Get a room."
0:20:28 > 0:20:32- Just read this in the comfort of your own...- Is this OK?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Yeah, that's fine.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Because it's not an assault on me living my life,
0:20:37 > 0:20:43- which is what extraneous noise is to me.- Actual, really audible laughter.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Just, yeah...
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Maybe it's other people's tangible existence that you don't like.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50LAUGHTER
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Yeah, I just find it very irritating.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54I'm surprised it's getting so much resistance
0:20:54 > 0:20:55cos I thought this was a thing.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57I read an autobiography recently
0:20:57 > 0:21:00and I really laughed out loud on several occasions,
0:21:00 > 0:21:02which you would condemn me for.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- Who's autobiography were you reading?- Mine.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07LAUGHTER
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- It WAS actually mine.- Yeah.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12This is one of the pluses of age-related memory loss.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- And you were laughing out loud? - I laughed out loud.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17It's properly funny, my autobiography.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21- "Laugh-out-loud funny..." - Yeah.- "..Frank Skinner."- Exactly.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25I know that's not going to have the same impact as a recommendation.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27"I laughed out loud while re-reading it,
0:21:27 > 0:21:30- "having forgotten it." - "Said narcissist Frank Skinner."
0:21:30 > 0:21:32LAUGHTER
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- Have you ever seen the thumb thing, by the way?- No.
0:21:35 > 0:21:40The thumb thing is a special gadget for reading books
0:21:40 > 0:21:42and this is what the blurb says.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45"Ever relaxed on the beach with a book?"
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- LAUGHTER - Yeah.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50"Likely you held the book in front of your face with your thumb
0:21:50 > 0:21:54- "to block the sun from your eyes." - Mm.- Yeah, done that.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56"A few minutes later, your thumb gets tired
0:21:56 > 0:21:58"and the book smacks you in the face."
0:21:58 > 0:22:00LAUGHTER
0:22:00 > 0:22:01That's never happened to me ever.
0:22:01 > 0:22:06But the thumb thing is invented for that. So, you get your book...
0:22:06 > 0:22:08LAUGHTER
0:22:08 > 0:22:12And you can hold it like that and it does give you,
0:22:12 > 0:22:15if you can see there, it gives you a lot of extra support.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16That's good.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- It's a simple thing, but so many of the best inventions are.- Mm.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- How's it doing?- Great.- No, the invention. Is it selling well?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Oh, sorry. LAUGHTER
0:22:25 > 0:22:29- THIS is selling extremely well, apparently.- Is THAT funny?
0:22:29 > 0:22:33Um, I've never actually, um...
0:22:33 > 0:22:35I HAVE read it. LAUGHTER
0:22:35 > 0:22:38And if you were offended at someone laughing on a train,
0:22:38 > 0:22:40you should have been there when I read THAT!
0:22:40 > 0:22:44LAUGHTER
0:22:44 > 0:22:48There some books which I would be edgy about reading on a train.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Would you read Fifty Shades Of Grey on a train?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- No.- No.- No.- What about this one?
0:22:57 > 0:22:59LAUGHTER
0:22:59 > 0:23:03I'd like to read this on a train and every now and again,
0:23:03 > 0:23:05stare at female passengers and go...
0:23:06 > 0:23:09LAUGHTER
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Any luck, Mrs? LAUGHTER
0:23:12 > 0:23:18How did you find that book? Was it Amazon Recommends?
0:23:18 > 0:23:22Yeah, "People who bought this also like..." I got one of those.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- "Hi, Frank, we thought you might like..."- Exactly.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29I once got a news story on a news feed I have and it said,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31"Here's a story you might like."
0:23:31 > 0:23:36And it was a couple who'd been eaten by cannibals while on holiday.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Spot on. LAUGHTER
0:23:39 > 0:23:43I'd love to read... I WOULD read this on a train.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48LAUGHTER
0:23:50 > 0:23:52There's something brilliant about that.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56I would have thought that was the least of their problems,
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- their carbon footprint.- Yeah.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03They did a lot of bad, but they did offset a lot of it with trees.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05LAUGHTER
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Yeah. Respect to them.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10I think... Just on THAT point, I mean.
0:24:10 > 0:24:15Not generally. Righto, and so to Richard.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21LAUGHTER
0:24:21 > 0:24:25Yes...fun.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- I don't understand it. - LAUGHTER
0:24:28 > 0:24:32I don't know...whether it's possible.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34LAUGHTER
0:24:34 > 0:24:37And I think, if you describe something as fun,
0:24:37 > 0:24:39that's a bad thing.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41It trivialises it.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44If you think of anything you actually like,
0:24:44 > 0:24:47and if you were to describe it to someone else,
0:24:47 > 0:24:49I don't know that you'd use the word "fun".
0:24:49 > 0:24:53It seems to be quite a word that's only really appropriate
0:24:53 > 0:24:55for describing a Wham(!) video.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56LAUGHTER
0:24:56 > 0:24:58And only some of them.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02And also, every time someone has said,
0:25:02 > 0:25:06"This is going to be fun," you know they're lying. It's not.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09I mean, if someone says, "This will be tolerable"...
0:25:09 > 0:25:12LAUGHTER
0:25:12 > 0:25:14- ..I'd go, "I'm there." - LAUGHTER
0:25:14 > 0:25:17- That's one of my chat-up lines. - Yeah.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19I mean that, to me, is a boast.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21LAUGHTER
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Well, I suppose the most concrete example of fun
0:25:25 > 0:25:28that one can get is this.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32This is a fun-sized Mars Bar,
0:25:32 > 0:25:36which suggests that your standard Mars Bar is a bit of a slog.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Yep.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40That they're saying is, if we take that...
0:25:40 > 0:25:46If, when you're eating a Mars Bar, this section of it is actually fun.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48- Yeah.- After that, it's about knuckling down
0:25:48 > 0:25:50and just getting the job done.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- LAUGHTER - That applies for a lot of stuff.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56LAUGHTER Exactly.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Sometimes when you think something's going to be fun,
0:25:59 > 0:26:01it absolutely isn't.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Take this, for example.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07- VIDEO FOOTAGE:- Ready? Are you ready? Ready, steady, go.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11LAUGHTER
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Lift your legs up.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20LAUGHTER
0:26:25 > 0:26:28LAUGHTER
0:26:28 > 0:26:32DAD LAUGHS ON VIDEO
0:26:32 > 0:26:33That sounds like you.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36You see, I think that's a very potent symbol
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- of how fun often turns out.- Yeah.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42I think the dad filming it is having GREAT fun.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44LAUGHTER
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Some people don't even want to be seen to be having fun.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49I'm not saying you're in this category, Richard,
0:26:49 > 0:26:50but look at this guy.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54HE SINGS IN NATIVE LANGUAGE
0:27:02 > 0:27:04LAUGHTER
0:27:04 > 0:27:09That's right. Don't document his fun. Don't spoil that moment.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11He was connecting to the performer.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13LAUGHTER
0:27:13 > 0:27:15OK, we come to the end of that round.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18I don't think you can put people who are afraid of flying in
0:27:18 > 0:27:20because they've got enough problems.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22They're probably also claustrophobic,
0:27:22 > 0:27:26so if we put them in the vault, they'll have a screaming fit.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28People laughing out loud when they read a book.
0:27:28 > 0:27:33I sort of respect the fact there's anyone left who reads a book.
0:27:33 > 0:27:38Any reaction they get I don't mind. And if it's my...
0:27:38 > 0:27:41I have seen people reading my book and laughing
0:27:41 > 0:27:43but it was in the mirror.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45LAUGHTER
0:27:45 > 0:27:48- Fun. I tell you what. Fun, the way we're talking about it.- Yes.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52- That fun was, "Way, let's have fun!" - Yes, Radio 1 Roadshow fun.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56- Yeah, that kind of "fun". - Yes.- No, you're right.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59- I don't like it and I'm going to put fun into Room 101.- Yeah.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:10 > 0:28:13And that brings us to the end of the show. Well done, Gabby.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16You were the most persuasive guest, so you are this week's winner.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Thank you very much.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:20 > 0:28:24Thanks very much, Alun Cochrane, Gabby Logan and Richard Ayoade.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26And thank you. Good night.
0:28:26 > 0:28:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE