0:00:20 > 0:00:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Hello! I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,
0:00:36 > 0:00:39the show where three guests compete to have their biggest bugbears
0:00:39 > 0:00:42banished forever to the dreaded vaults.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44They'll have to argue their case well, because in each round
0:00:44 > 0:00:46only one item can be chosen.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49The final decision is mine. Let's meet this week's guests.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Joining me tonight are acting dynasty Laurence Fox,
0:00:52 > 0:00:54acting suspiciously Rob Delaney,
0:00:54 > 0:00:56and acting like she's actually concerned
0:00:56 > 0:00:59when someone breaks their leg on The Jump, Davina McCall.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Right then, let's get ready to grumble.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09It is the first round,
0:01:09 > 0:01:12and I want to find out what is winding up Davina McCall.
0:01:16 > 0:01:21Women who tell other women about their terrible births.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23- I'm already annoyed.- Yeah?
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Because, honestly, when I was pregnant,
0:01:25 > 0:01:27and especially with my first child,
0:01:27 > 0:01:31and I didn't know about this condition that happens,
0:01:31 > 0:01:34that other woman have the need to tell you -
0:01:34 > 0:01:36but when I was obviously pregnant,
0:01:36 > 0:01:39and it wouldn't necessarily even just be friends of mine,
0:01:39 > 0:01:42it could be complete strangers in a supermarket, out on the streets.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44They'd come up and go, "Oh, you're pregnant.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47"Can I... Lovely, oh! It's so sweet. When are you due?"
0:01:47 > 0:01:51"About four weeks." "Amazing. I had a TERRIBLE birth.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53"It was terrible!
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- "I split from here to here!" - LAUGHTER
0:01:56 > 0:01:58"And my waters broke in Sainsbury's,
0:01:58 > 0:02:02"and everybody saw and then they had forceps and..."
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- Oh, man.- I just think, "Look, I've had my babies,
0:02:05 > 0:02:09"the shop shut, I'm not going to have any more.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12"I'm over. Tell me, tell me now.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15"I'm ready, don't tell the pregnant ladies.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18"I'll listen. You know, I've got a good ear for that."
0:02:18 > 0:02:20I think it's like getting drunk, though,
0:02:20 > 0:02:23you can't remember how bad the hangover was.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27My partner said to me, "No matter how much pain I'm in,
0:02:27 > 0:02:33"and how much I beg for it, do not let me have an epidural,
0:02:33 > 0:02:35- "under any circumstances.' - And what did you do?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37She said, "If I'm screaming at you, 'I want an epidural,'
0:02:37 > 0:02:39"I need you to say no, because I don't want..."
0:02:39 > 0:02:42And I said, "OK." She said, "You promise me? I said, "I promise."
0:02:42 > 0:02:45So we got there, she was in labour, in quite a bit of pain,
0:02:45 > 0:02:49and she said to me, "I want an epidural now!"
0:02:49 > 0:02:51And the thought of saying...
0:02:51 > 0:02:52LAUGHTER
0:02:54 > 0:02:56"If you think back...
0:02:56 > 0:02:58"I think we agreed."
0:02:58 > 0:03:02The thought of that never crossed my mind for one second.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06I mean, I've got to say, you know, even though it is painful,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09it is an incredible experience,
0:03:09 > 0:03:11and I actually feel quite sorry for men,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14that they don't get to experience this amazing thing
0:03:14 > 0:03:17of giving birth to a human life. It's incredible.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19You're all right. LAUGHTER
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Plus, you can't tell a pregnant woman, like, you know,
0:03:24 > 0:03:26what you're putting on top of a pizza as you're preparing it
0:03:26 > 0:03:28without them murdering you.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29- Yes.- They're insane.- Yes!
0:03:29 > 0:03:32- Exactly.- So why tell a pregnant woman anything bad at all?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Yeah, exactly.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38Everything's bad and emotional and difficult and scary and...
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- Yeah.- Yeah.- Well, I had that...
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Not everyone is blessed with this,
0:03:42 > 0:03:45but I have actually had that, sort of,
0:03:45 > 0:03:493am drive to the hospital, which is very exciting.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52The waters had already gone.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54I was a bit edgy about the upholstery.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56LAUGHTER
0:03:56 > 0:03:58We had a towel. And she was, er...
0:03:58 > 0:04:00honestly, in the passenger seat going...
0:04:00 > 0:04:02HE STRAINS
0:04:02 > 0:04:04And so I'm driving like this. It's like a movie.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07And she's going to me, "You should've gone left!
0:04:07 > 0:04:09"You should've gone left, you idiot!"
0:04:09 > 0:04:12I thought, "This is like the worst sat nav..."
0:04:12 > 0:04:14LAUGHTER "..of all time!"
0:04:15 > 0:04:20I was sent back to go, we went down to get the baby checked out,
0:04:20 > 0:04:22he was the wrong way around, and they were like,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25"We've got to get the baby out by emergency Caesarean now.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27"Go, and we'll do it in 20 minutes."
0:04:27 > 0:04:30And I was like, "But we don't have any of the stuff."
0:04:31 > 0:04:35And I went home with my eldest son, got home,
0:04:35 > 0:04:38and said, "You wait in the car. I'll go inside and get stuff."
0:04:38 > 0:04:39And he didn't wait in the car.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43He went out into the garden, picked up a brick, threw it in the air...
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- Oh, my God. - ..and it landed on his head.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47LAUGHTER
0:04:47 > 0:04:50So I run outside and say, "Let's get back in the car.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52"What happened to your face?"
0:04:52 > 0:04:54And he's just covered in blood.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57The second child was given birth to in one building,
0:04:57 > 0:05:01and I was getting the other one stitched up in A&E!
0:05:01 > 0:05:02LAUGHTER
0:05:03 > 0:05:07But respect to him for getting attention on...
0:05:07 > 0:05:08- LAUGHTER - Yes!
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Of course, one can make light of the whole pregnancy thing.
0:05:11 > 0:05:17This couple have sort of tried a basketball theme.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Look!
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Oh, no!
0:05:20 > 0:05:21No. No?
0:05:21 > 0:05:26- No.- I like it better than the couple who did the baseball themed one.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Oh!
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- No!- I don't think they're together.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35That's from my country.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36That's where I'm from!
0:05:36 > 0:05:37LAUGHTER
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Anyway. What's winding up Rob Delaney?
0:05:50 > 0:05:54- Why?- Because it's not real.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55I mean...
0:05:55 > 0:05:58It's a thing, I know it exists, but it...
0:06:00 > 0:06:05The world is such a filthy, suppurating toilet,
0:06:05 > 0:06:07that there is nothing you can do,
0:06:07 > 0:06:10and you don't need to be marketed some crazy thing
0:06:10 > 0:06:16that they invented 20 minutes ago when soap and water does a fine job.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17So, basically,
0:06:17 > 0:06:21the fact that they're trying to make us buy it and carry it around -
0:06:21 > 0:06:23you can put it on your belt loop now -
0:06:23 > 0:06:25just enrages me.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Really. I have three little kids - a five-year-old, three-year-old,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31and a one-year-old - so I live in filth.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33LAUGHTER
0:06:33 > 0:06:35I don't get any sicker than the next guy.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39My wife is a teacher, so she's around other scummy children.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- LAUGHTER - And it's just...
0:06:42 > 0:06:44It's just silly.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Yes, germs exist, but -
0:06:45 > 0:06:49I was talking to a doctor friend of mine recently.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Usually, when we get sick
0:06:50 > 0:06:53it's cos of just stuff that's inside our own bodies
0:06:53 > 0:06:55that decides to present itself.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57What, are you going to drink the hand sanitiser?
0:06:58 > 0:06:59So I say no.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01I'm not saying no to hygiene.
0:07:01 > 0:07:06I'm saying no to the unnecessary, very recent invention
0:07:06 > 0:07:09of like, "Soap II". Or whatever.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12It's so silly.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13APPLAUSE
0:07:18 > 0:07:24Apparently your average hand sanitiser is like 65% alcohol,
0:07:24 > 0:07:26which is three times more than vodka.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Now, I'm a recovering alcoholic,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32it would be safer for me to have human excrement on my hands.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34LAUGHTER
0:07:36 > 0:07:38And that is certainly the path I've chosen.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43But, also, you know, you get...
0:07:44 > 0:07:47..more healthy the more dirty you let kids be.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50They all say nowadays that the reason kids get sick all the time
0:07:50 > 0:07:52is because we're all so clean. We're too clean.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55I mean, the first time we get on the tube with my kids,
0:07:55 > 0:07:56you know, I make them lick a pole.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57LAUGHTER
0:07:58 > 0:08:00So that we don't have to go and get jabs.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03What about in hospital?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06What about when you have to go into a hospital ward
0:08:06 > 0:08:08and they have the hand sanitiser outside the hospital?
0:08:08 > 0:08:12That's fine. When the NHS says, use this, OK, then it's a good idea,
0:08:12 > 0:08:13but when it's your friend Rick
0:08:13 > 0:08:16being like, "Eurgh, I touched a doorknob",
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- shut up! - LAUGHTER
0:08:23 > 0:08:25When I got to about 17
0:08:25 > 0:08:31I had my first suit and I found that when I wore a suit and tie
0:08:31 > 0:08:34people responded very differently to me.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I find the same thing when I wear rubber gloves.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40I find people are...
0:08:41 > 0:08:45..uneasy about people in rubber gloves in public places.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48And I don't think that's really an option.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52One thing I tried - do you remember these thimbles?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55You used to see them in post offices for money counting.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58So these are very...
0:08:58 > 0:09:03If you wear one of these, very good for, like, pelican crossing buttons.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05Doorbells.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07And, also, I get asked to start
0:09:07 > 0:09:10a lot of elaborate domino effect demonstrations.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11LAUGHTER
0:09:12 > 0:09:16And you never know who's been pushing those dominoes.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19So I'd recommend these.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21I'm a Catholic, so this is it for me.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28But...
0:09:28 > 0:09:29They are ribbed for extra stimulation.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35I have a special method for urinals,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38because I am quite sensitive about cleanliness.
0:09:38 > 0:09:43I used to live with a laboratory scientist,
0:09:43 > 0:09:45and this is what they recommended.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49And I have to say, it does work.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53It's cumbersome, but it gives you real confidence.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57LAUGHTER
0:10:01 > 0:10:02APPLAUSE
0:10:10 > 0:10:11You've got to warm the gloves up a bit.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17But I find myself standing at the urinal like this, you know.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23It's a good thing.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26800 quid, that cost.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27LAUGHTER
0:10:31 > 0:10:34OK. So, what's winding up Laurence?
0:10:39 > 0:10:40Cats!
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Yeah. And I really don't mind offending
0:10:45 > 0:10:49half of the population of this country. I hate cats.
0:10:50 > 0:10:55My first memory in life is my grandmother saying to me,
0:10:55 > 0:10:57"Don't go near the cat."
0:10:57 > 0:11:03My second memory in life is the blood gushing out of my mouth.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07I don't like them. I think they all look at us like they rule the world.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10I'm scared of them.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11I hate them.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15The last time I saw a cat - I have a scar,
0:11:15 > 0:11:18and it was eight months ago, the last cat I stroked.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I hate them. Hate them!
0:11:20 > 0:11:22I like dogs. Dogs listen.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Dogs are your friend. Dogs look at you and go,
0:11:24 > 0:11:26"Hey, man, I missed you when you were at work."
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Cats wouldn't do that. Horrible things.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Can I say that cats rarely tear human beings to pieces,
0:11:33 > 0:11:37which is one of the dogs' minus points.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- I would say.- What, a dog...?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41A dog will attack a human.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43No, dogs just get bad press.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46That is, you know, if cats were bigger, they'd kill.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Would you go and have a lie down with a tiger?
0:11:49 > 0:11:53I think tigers have proved that. LAUGHTER
0:11:53 > 0:11:55What do they do that's good?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Dogs can walk people around when you're blind,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00dogs can, you know, my dogs, I use as burglar alarms.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Because they're cheaper.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- What do cats do? - You're right, though,
0:12:06 > 0:12:10a guide cat for the blind would be a real...
0:12:10 > 0:12:15There'd be some bloke being dragged across gardens and over fences.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Firemen having to get a blind person out of a tree.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22This is a cat that...
0:12:23 > 0:12:27..obviously had some sort of ill fortune previously.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32LAUGHTER
0:12:32 > 0:12:35I think there'll be goldfish watching this show thinking,
0:12:35 > 0:12:37"But cats always look like that."
0:12:37 > 0:12:41Do you know the thing that cats are scared of cucumbers?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Are they? Goes home, buys cucumber.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Yeah, they are.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50That is an internet theory, that they are scared of cucumbers.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51In what way? How?
0:12:51 > 0:12:55I'll give you an example. This is the Are Cats Scared Of Cucumbers?
0:12:55 > 0:12:56This is the evidence.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15- Case closed.- Oh, my God!
0:13:17 > 0:13:19So we come to the end of that round,
0:13:19 > 0:13:22I certainly am not keen on people
0:13:22 > 0:13:25telling their terrible birth stories,
0:13:25 > 0:13:28but I do think that that is an urge.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30I mean, this is why we watch One Born Every Minute.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32- It's one that must be suppressed. - Yes.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Hand sanitiser I have used.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I would be a hypocrite, I think, to put it in.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42I haven't quite got over the idea that you can wash your hands
0:13:42 > 0:13:44without a tap.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47It just seems like magic to me.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Cats, however, are horrible.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- I'm putting them into Room 101. - Yeah!
0:13:59 > 0:14:00Well done. Well done.
0:14:03 > 0:14:08Onto the next round and it's Davina's turn to have a whinge.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16People who order starters. Thank you.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Yes!
0:14:18 > 0:14:20There's some grumbling going on,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23I knew it could possibly be controversial.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25- But...- You can spot the people who definitely do.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30My thing is...
0:14:32 > 0:14:35..that, firstly, if you go out for dinner,
0:14:35 > 0:14:37portions are so massive
0:14:37 > 0:14:41you don't really need a starter and a main course,
0:14:41 > 0:14:45and if somebody is eating with me, I will not order a starter.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48I will just have a main course, and then they go,
0:14:48 > 0:14:49"Are you having a starter?"
0:14:49 > 0:14:52And I go - this is actually my husband,
0:14:52 > 0:14:55and I go, "No, I'm not going to have a starter.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57"So you're not going to have a starter, are you?"
0:14:57 > 0:14:59And he'll go, "I'm just going to have...
0:14:59 > 0:15:02"I think I am, actually. I'm going to have this little starter here.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05"This one." And I go, "Please don't have a starter, because literally,
0:15:05 > 0:15:07"I'm going to eat your arm in a minute if I don't get some food.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09"And they're not going to bring out the main course,
0:15:09 > 0:15:12"they're not going to be cooking it until you've finished your starter."
0:15:12 > 0:15:14And he's like, "No, no, they will be.
0:15:14 > 0:15:15"They'll be cooking it while I'm eating."
0:15:15 > 0:15:17I say, "No, you've never worked in a restaurant.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19"I worked in a restaurant for two years.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22"They are waiting to clear the table before they start the starter."
0:15:22 > 0:15:24And by the time he's finished his starter
0:15:24 > 0:15:27I've demolished the breadbasket, I hate myself.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30I hate myself, and I'm no longer hungry.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34So people who order starters are going in Room 101, right now.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36- Hear, hear.- Thank you, Laurence.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38It would be a less popular show if we did it like that.
0:15:41 > 0:15:46I have do confess to forcing someone to - saying to the waiter,
0:15:46 > 0:15:48"Can you bring them both at the same time, please?
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- "Bring them both at the same time, please."- That's what I do.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52"No, do have a starter, do have a starter,
0:15:52 > 0:15:54"we'd like them both at the same time,
0:15:54 > 0:15:56"everything at the same time, now, please. Thank you, please.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59- "Very, very hungry."- I do that.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01And that brings out the worst in me.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03The hunger!
0:16:03 > 0:16:06When I've got the hunger, don't mess with me.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Bread kills it. And chips kill it as well.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Because then, also, your kids, I'm going on holiday with the kids,
0:16:12 > 0:16:16and they only eat bread and chips, and then you wonder,
0:16:16 > 0:16:18when was the last time the kids went to the toilet?
0:16:22 > 0:16:23It was Monday, wasn't it?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25It was Monday.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27What I don't like about my fellow contestants
0:16:27 > 0:16:30is that if you added the two of them together
0:16:30 > 0:16:32they'd weigh a little less than me.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Because I'm good at eating.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38I want the starter. I want the main.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41I want a side or two, then I want a dessert.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Then I'll finish before you cos I eat like a hoover,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47and then I'm going to get mad at you if you continue to eat your food
0:16:47 > 0:16:48without offering it to me.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51That's where I'm at.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52APPLAUSE
0:16:57 > 0:17:01I think I agree with you - but I always order a starter.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- Do you?- Because I'm a little bit frightened of waiters.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10And I find if a waiter, if I order a main course,
0:17:10 > 0:17:13say, "I'll have the chilli con carne, please."
0:17:13 > 0:17:15And he'll say, "Do you want a starter?"
0:17:15 > 0:17:17And I'll go, "No, I won't have a starter."
0:17:17 > 0:17:19And they go, "Oh!"
0:17:21 > 0:17:22I can't cope with that.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24I don't know if they're on commission or what?
0:17:24 > 0:17:28They have to shift the prawn cocktail.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32Exactly. I do get very intimidated, I think, still, in posh restaurants.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35The first time I ever went to a posh restaurant
0:17:35 > 0:17:37was a place called Christopher's in Covent Garden.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43I ordered steak tartare and said, "Could I have it well done?"
0:17:47 > 0:17:50And those of you who didn't get that, that's where I was.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53I had no idea.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56And people, they didn't just laugh on my table,
0:17:56 > 0:17:58people on other tables were laughing.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02OK, and, so, what's upsetting Rob?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12That's a good pet hate, I must say.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14What have you got against them, Rob?
0:18:14 > 0:18:20Because I think, I listen to guitar music all day, every day -
0:18:20 > 0:18:25and everybody loves a guitar, but I think six strings is usually enough.
0:18:25 > 0:18:30Whenever it's 12 strings it's only for singing about fairies
0:18:30 > 0:18:33and a county fair and a maiden.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35And you are accompanied by bells.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37I think - not that they shouldn't exist,
0:18:37 > 0:18:39but if you're going to use one
0:18:39 > 0:18:43I think you should have two apply for a special licence,
0:18:43 > 0:18:46because whenever I see somebody playing one I just think,
0:18:46 > 0:18:48"Who do you think you are, you minstrel?"
0:18:48 > 0:18:50It's just...
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Why do you need...
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Justify your use of those extra...
0:18:55 > 0:18:59..six, silly little dingly, dangly... No.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01So, they make me angry.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07I can see the studio audience shares my anger.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08LAUGHTER
0:19:08 > 0:19:10I mean, if you're Jimmy Page,
0:19:10 > 0:19:13singing a led Zeppelin song about hobbits,
0:19:13 > 0:19:15you need 12 strings.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18But if you're my roommate, you don't need...
0:19:18 > 0:19:20You don't need any strings, go away.
0:19:20 > 0:19:25There will be people are watching this who aren't really aware...
0:19:25 > 0:19:28of the 12 string guitar, I have one with me.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31So this is a 12 string guitar, and it does sound...
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- Oh, my God, he's going to play for us.- I'm not going to play anything,
0:19:34 > 0:19:38because I think there is far too many strings.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Oh, he agrees.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41Just...
0:19:41 > 0:19:45STRUMS GUITAR
0:19:47 > 0:19:49# Well, I was wandering... #
0:19:49 > 0:19:51LAUGHTER
0:19:51 > 0:19:53What? You can't...
0:19:53 > 0:19:55There's that lovely sort of a...
0:19:55 > 0:19:58They have that lovely tuning, the Nashville tuning,
0:19:58 > 0:20:00using all the higher strings of the 12 string,
0:20:00 > 0:20:01they put it on a six string.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04So you can play a six string with the high 12 string strings
0:20:04 > 0:20:07and it sounds gorgeous with...
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- I don't know what you're talking about.- No.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Can you play each individual string individually,
0:20:13 > 0:20:15or do you play two at a time?
0:20:15 > 0:20:20You can play each individual string...
0:20:20 > 0:20:23but only like this.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38It's also less practical in urinals.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43I should say, that wasn't my guitar, we borrowed it.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45So...
0:20:53 > 0:20:55It's... It is a bit of a strange instrument.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58I can think of a stranger one.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00This is...
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Well, I won't tell you what it's called, see if you can guess.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13HIGH-PITCHED ELECTRONIC HUM
0:21:32 > 0:21:34That's actually called a badgermin.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36LAUGHTER
0:21:36 > 0:21:39So it's a theremin made out of a dead badger.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- What do you think?- I didn't like...
0:21:42 > 0:21:44I didn't like the look on the guy's face playing it.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47I think that is the conventional expression to take
0:21:47 > 0:21:49when you're playing a badgermin.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54OK. What's upsetting Laurence Fox?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Cyclists in Lycra!
0:22:05 > 0:22:08I'd like to differentiate between Boris bike users,
0:22:08 > 0:22:10and people who have those lovely bikes,
0:22:10 > 0:22:12you know, the really expensive ones that...
0:22:13 > 0:22:15..are not racers.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Again, it's about me, selfishly.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21But I was crossing the road to go to the theatre
0:22:21 > 0:22:24between a matinee and an evening performance of a show,
0:22:24 > 0:22:27and it was the only time I got to hang out with my eldest son,
0:22:27 > 0:22:29at that point. And I was crossing the road,
0:22:29 > 0:22:32and this dude dressed like a fat Lance Armstrong...
0:22:32 > 0:22:34LAUGHTER
0:22:34 > 0:22:37..comes caning across the road.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39And nearly took his head off, really.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41You know, I hate them all.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44The ones that dress like they are in the Tour de France.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46I call them two-wheeled road fascists.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50And I hate them from the bottom of my heart.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52I'd like to add a caveat.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- OK.- Could you possibly say...
0:22:56 > 0:22:58..two-wheeled fascists in cities?
0:23:00 > 0:23:03No, because when I lived in the countryside, on a Saturday morning,
0:23:03 > 0:23:07this is going to sound even more posh, sorry.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09But I had a horse, right.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10- I had a horse. - LAUGHTER
0:23:10 > 0:23:12I don't care.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14I don't mind admitting it, I had a horse.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19And I would take my horse, he was a bit nuts, to be fair, he had issues,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21and I would take my horse up the road.
0:23:21 > 0:23:26And these fascists would come in their droves, like, three abreast,
0:23:26 > 0:23:28racing each other in some imaginary race
0:23:28 > 0:23:30that they invented that morning.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34I love people who take pride and love in their bikes,
0:23:34 > 0:23:36and they sedately and serenely go about,
0:23:36 > 0:23:38and if I had my say,
0:23:38 > 0:23:43London would be closed to cars for a good mile and a half
0:23:43 > 0:23:46from the centre. But not these dudes, seriously.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48You know, have sex.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49LAUGHTER
0:23:49 > 0:23:52You don't need to cycle.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54It's fine.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Something happened, didn't it, with the bicycle?
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Because when I was a young man,
0:23:59 > 0:24:04the bicycle was very much the home of gentle, kind...
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Baskets.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09This is Philip Larkin, one of our great poets,
0:24:09 > 0:24:12now this is what cycling used to be like.
0:24:12 > 0:24:18'Whenever I saw a church I used to stop and look inside.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20'It was a nice excuse for stopping.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22'I like going into them.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23'I know very little about them,
0:24:23 > 0:24:27'but I always welcome the feeling I have going into a church.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30'In the end I began to try to write about it.'
0:24:33 > 0:24:35That's what cyclists used to be like.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Lovely, gentle people.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41And then, I'll tell you what happened, Team GB.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44- Oh, really? - Yes, and all those hairy guys
0:24:44 > 0:24:48that used to pump iron at the weekend saw cycling,
0:24:48 > 0:24:50that looks like a real macho activity.
0:24:50 > 0:24:55And then you see these people, as you say,
0:24:55 > 0:24:59if someone's cycling 50 miles I don't mind them wearing Lycra,
0:24:59 > 0:25:03but you see people going to work, and you know, in their head,
0:25:03 > 0:25:04they are in the velodrome.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06LAUGHTER
0:25:06 > 0:25:11I used to do horse riding in North Finchley, and I must admit,
0:25:11 > 0:25:15when I was on the horse - I was a big fan of Westerns -
0:25:15 > 0:25:17and in my head all I could hear was...
0:25:17 > 0:25:21MUSIC: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Theme Tune
0:25:23 > 0:25:26OK, which is fine, so I fantasise,
0:25:26 > 0:25:29as these men fantasise about being in big races.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31But I didn't dress up.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32I didn't wear a cowboy outfit.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- But that's practicality. - It's not, it's fancy dress.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- It is practicality. - Not with all the garb on.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Not with the, like, yellow jerseys.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Look, I don't mind watching a bit of Formula 1,
0:25:42 > 0:25:47but when I drive to work I tend not to wear a fireproof jumpsuit...
0:25:47 > 0:25:48LAUGHTER
0:25:48 > 0:25:50..and a full-face crash helmet.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53But if you were in a Formula 1 race car you would.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57- Have you ever seen a naked bike ride...?- No, what?
0:25:57 > 0:25:58I think we're going to see it now.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Somebody say yes. Where is this?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03I saw it, this is a picture of the naked bike ride.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Oh, my God!
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- This is a thing?- That's the guy playing the badger thing!
0:26:07 > 0:26:09LAUGHTER
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Hold on, there's the badger... Oh, no.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17Where is that?
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- Well, I saw them going across Waterloo Bridge...- Stop it!
0:26:20 > 0:26:23It's actually a beautiful sight.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27There's all shapes and sizes and ages, it really symbolised freedom,
0:26:27 > 0:26:29- I thought.- None of them on racers though, are they?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32But there was a guy with his family standing behind me.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34I was looking at them thinking, this is brilliant.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38There was a guy with his family, and I heard him say, "Weirdos."
0:26:39 > 0:26:42And I thought, this is what life is all about.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45You have to decide whether you're with the naked bike riders,
0:26:45 > 0:26:47or whether you're with that bloke.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50- Now, I'm with the naked bike riders. - Yeah.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51APPLAUSE
0:26:51 > 0:26:54I don't think I can put in 12 string guitars,
0:26:54 > 0:26:57because although they are, let's say, cluttered.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00People do make them sound nice, as well.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02And I like a bit of wizard...
0:27:03 > 0:27:05..riding a unicorn type beauty.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- I think that's...- That's its proper application, I'm just saying,
0:27:08 > 0:27:10you know, if people use them willy-nilly.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11That's just wasteful.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16I wouldn't want to lose that genre, wizard rock.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22I do understand the starters thing,
0:27:22 > 0:27:25I think it is a bit of a waste of time, really.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28It just makes you leave your main course.
0:27:28 > 0:27:33But, often, they are better than main courses across the world.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37And if I accidentally put poppadoms into Room 101,
0:27:37 > 0:27:39I don't know what I'd do with myself.
0:27:40 > 0:27:45I really have a problem with these cyclists in Lycra,
0:27:45 > 0:27:48turning cycling into a butch activity
0:27:48 > 0:27:53instead of a beautiful Philip Larkin type activity.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57So you know what, I am going to put cyclists in Lycra, brackets male,
0:27:57 > 0:27:59into Room 101.
0:27:59 > 0:28:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Well done.
0:28:08 > 0:28:09And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Well done, Laurence, you were the most persuasive guests,
0:28:12 > 0:28:13so you are this week's winner.
0:28:13 > 0:28:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:19 > 0:28:23And thanks very much, Rob Delaney, Davina McCall and Laurence Fox.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26And thank you, goodnight.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE