0:00:34 > 0:00:38Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Now, dumping their dislikes into the dreaded vault tonight are
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Gogglebox Scarlett Moffatt,
0:00:43 > 0:00:44Brainbox Charlie Brooker,
0:00:44 > 0:00:46and Police Box, Pearl Mackie.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:55OK, shall we kick off?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58So what's upsetting Charlie Brooker?
0:01:03 > 0:01:07Ah, yeah. This is Anything I Don't Want To Do.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Now, I recognise this is quite a broad one.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14- Mm.- And it's a category that I find has expanded
0:01:14 > 0:01:17the older I get, basically. There's a rule,
0:01:17 > 0:01:21there's a basic rule of thumb that I think is called Sturgeon's law,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24usually applies to film and TV and literature,
0:01:24 > 0:01:29that 90% of everything is rubbish, and isn't worth bothering with.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Most places aren't worth going to,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33most conversations aren't worth having,
0:01:33 > 0:01:35most things aren't worth eating,
0:01:35 > 0:01:39most items and objects in the world aren't worth looking at,
0:01:39 > 0:01:41or contemplating.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45I don't want to go to a forest, or a picnic, or watch your play,
0:01:45 > 0:01:47or read a book, because it's not worth doing.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50And it really comes into focus at weekends,
0:01:50 > 0:01:53and you can't just, apparently, sit around in the house
0:01:53 > 0:01:57just staring at a phone all the time, because that's sort of bad.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00And the kids know this, as well, because they've discovered iPads
0:02:00 > 0:02:02and phones, and everyone would rather be looking at those
0:02:02 > 0:02:04all the time, obviously.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06But because, out of a sense of duty and guilt,
0:02:06 > 0:02:10you end up going to a playground, or on a picnic, or to a bloody museum,
0:02:10 > 0:02:12and most things aren't worth bothering with.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15OK.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Well, thanks for coming.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31I would say that, often,
0:02:31 > 0:02:34there are things you think you aren't going to enjoy,
0:02:34 > 0:02:37and then when you do do them,
0:02:37 > 0:02:41you actually find out they're much more pleasurable than you thought.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44And I have to say, I've used that line a few times.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47What about the theory of deferred gratification,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49it's that you do something you don't want to do now
0:02:49 > 0:02:52because you'll get the reward at some point in the future?
0:02:52 > 0:02:56I'll give you an example. When I take, if I'm wearing a jumper...
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- Right...- ..when I take it off,
0:02:58 > 0:03:02I always pull the sleeves out the right way again, and I think,
0:03:02 > 0:03:04"When I come back to this jumper...
0:03:05 > 0:03:06"..set to go."
0:03:08 > 0:03:12That's bleak. That is the bleakest thing I've ever heard.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Coming from Charlie Brooker, I take that as an enormous compliment.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Is that...
0:03:16 > 0:03:18That's a thing?
0:03:18 > 0:03:22That's the first place you go to when I talk about pleasure,
0:03:22 > 0:03:25is you think about the thing you do with the arms of your jumper?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28I'm talking about thinking ahead to make my life sweeter
0:03:28 > 0:03:30at a later date.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Jumper preparation.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I feel like you need a hug.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38- Like a proper hug.- No!
0:03:38 > 0:03:40But if you're only enjoying 98...
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Well, sorry, 2% of your life...
0:03:42 > 0:03:45It's not that... It's not that I'm not enjoying.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48It's just that the rest of it probably isn't worth bothering with.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52It would have made no difference to my quality of life if 98% of things
0:03:52 > 0:03:54hadn't happened.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56How do you decide on the 2%, though?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Er, there's probably...
0:03:58 > 0:04:00There's probably a couple of desserts I've had I've liked.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Probably the birth of my children.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07OK, that's a good one to put in there, yeah, yeah.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09I'd probably put that somewhere in there.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12I tell you what I would... I agree with you that I don't think
0:04:12 > 0:04:16we should do things because other people think we should do them.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17I'd agree with that.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21I mean, take this picture of a lovely beach holiday.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25LAUGHTER
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- God, I respect that Goth. - I love that.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34That's brilliant. She's just like, "No, no, I don't do bikinis.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35- "I'm not having it." - Can you imagine it?
0:04:35 > 0:04:39And the money she's saved on suntan lotion, fantastic.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42What about this painter and decorator who didn't want
0:04:42 > 0:04:43to move some boxes?
0:04:45 > 0:04:46LAUGHTER
0:04:48 > 0:04:52You see what your attitude does to the world, Charlie?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55That's more interesting than a plain wall, though, isn't it?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57That's an admirable spirit.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Well, the idea of doing what you don't want to do,
0:05:00 > 0:05:05we've got an example here of a dad trying to persuade his child to do
0:05:05 > 0:05:06something they don't want to do.
0:05:06 > 0:05:11And it shows, with a bit of clever thought,
0:05:11 > 0:05:13it's amazing what you can achieve.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17THEY SPEAK OWN LANGUAGE
0:05:30 > 0:05:31LAUGHTER
0:05:38 > 0:05:39I like that.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43I just think you're liable... If you don't do things
0:05:43 > 0:05:47you don't want to do, you're liable to not make fabulous discoveries.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Like, I recently went camping...
0:05:50 > 0:05:52- Ugh...- ..and they asked me to... - Oh, I know, yeah.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56- Come on!- That's a bad one to pick. - That's not it, that's not my...
0:05:56 > 0:06:00And they asked me to build a bonfire, and I thought...
0:06:00 > 0:06:01"I really don't want to build a bonfire."
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I built a bonfire, I loved it.
0:06:03 > 0:06:08I stared at that bonfire for an hour and a half.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12If I had the choice between Netflix and a bonfire,
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I would rather have a bonfire.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18And I would not have discovered that if I'd adopted your attitude of,
0:06:18 > 0:06:20"No, I don't want to do that so I'm not going to do it."
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Speaking of which, I've got a show on Netflix, so up yours!
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Yeah, believe me, I've got several shows on the bonfire.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39OK, and so to Scarlett.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45- Crocs. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:48 > 0:06:50- I hate Crocs.- They're awful.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Awful. Look at them.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55That makes my heart angry, just looking at that illustration.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Awful. Like, I don't understand, like,
0:06:58 > 0:07:01who sat down, and thought, "Right, we want a waterproof shoe,
0:07:01 > 0:07:03"so what we'll do is put holes in it"?
0:07:04 > 0:07:08Like, it makes no sense at all, and, like, no-one's ever, like,
0:07:08 > 0:07:12bought an outfit, and went, "I know what'll just set these off nice,
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- "a pair of Crocs."- Well... - Who's done that?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17And they've brought, like, nice designer types out.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20They're still Crocs. It doesn't matter if you stick jewels on them,
0:07:20 > 0:07:23make them fancy colours, prints, look at that design!
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- I think it's...- Why are they so wide?- Yeah, why are they so wide?
0:07:27 > 0:07:28Whose foot is that wide?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32No, I'm with you, I totally...
0:07:32 > 0:07:34That's what... I love their width,
0:07:34 > 0:07:36because when I've been wearing them a couple of hours,
0:07:36 > 0:07:38my feet start to settle.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Oh...
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Honestly, I take them off,
0:07:41 > 0:07:44and none of my toes are touching each other any more.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48I can comb, I can actually comb with my foot.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Like, what outfit would you wear with your Crocs?
0:07:52 > 0:07:56Well, I'll tell you something now, I do the bins in the Crocs.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58- Yeah.- And I mow the lawn. - What if you get bin juice
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- on your foot, though?- Yeah. - There's holes in them.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- I'm prepared to live with that. - I couldn't deal with that.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06And I mow the lawn, I do the garden, so I don't go that far.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10I would say that my Wi-Fi extends further than my Croc usage.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13So even you know how ugly they are,
0:08:13 > 0:08:15because you wouldn't go out in public with them.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18No, because of people like you making it a stigma!
0:08:19 > 0:08:20I'm wearing Crocs now.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21No, you're not!
0:08:21 > 0:08:25- I am! You can see how long I've been wearing this pair.- Oh, no, don't.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27LAUGHTER
0:08:31 > 0:08:33I will...
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I will trim these, eventually.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40But, no, I think they're very, very...
0:08:40 > 0:08:43I can really relax in them.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Let's say I'm at a barbecue, par example.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50And I always think there's not enough roughage at a barbecue,
0:08:50 > 0:08:53so I serve Brussels sprouts.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Here they are.
0:08:56 > 0:09:01Just boiled. And what I do, there's no strainer, ever, so I...
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Oh!
0:09:05 > 0:09:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ..slip the Croc off.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Oh, wow!
0:09:12 > 0:09:13And then I can...
0:09:15 > 0:09:16I can offer these round.
0:09:16 > 0:09:21I just grab the slingback, and say, "Jeff, would you like a sprout?"
0:09:21 > 0:09:23And we're in business.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Come with me.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- Good idea?- I mean, do you take it off your foot
0:09:33 > 0:09:35to then strain with it?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38- Yeah.- OK. That is what I was scared of, yeah.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Does that affect the flavour?
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Well, I wear socks with them.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- Oh, no.- What?- Well, what's the point of wearing them,
0:09:46 > 0:09:48if you're going to wear socks?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Then you're not even getting the air around your feet.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51Oh, well, let me show you.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57What... These are the socks I wear them with.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01And...
0:10:01 > 0:10:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:08 > 0:10:12People don't even know I'm wearing them, it's amazing.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Also, you know, I like to cook at home.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17One thing that annoys me is when you get a beef patty.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Whereas, I like proper minced beef. The scent of minced beef.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25So what I do...
0:10:27 > 0:10:30..I... I take off a Croc.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32AUDIENCE GROANS
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- I...- Oh, God.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35I load it.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Oh, no, I can't bear it.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39This is like a sick Channel 4 documentary.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I need a plunger.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46THEY GROAN
0:10:46 > 0:10:49No, that's worse than I thought it was going to be.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51APPLAUSE
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Look at that!
0:10:57 > 0:11:00You have showed me every other use of a Croc,
0:11:00 > 0:11:05other than actually its job, which is being a stylish shoe.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07You don't want to be able to strain
0:11:07 > 0:11:10your Brussels in your sandals, do you?
0:11:10 > 0:11:11You don't.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16OK, so what is winding up Pearl?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Yeah! Yeah!
0:11:29 > 0:11:31I hate mosquitoes.
0:11:31 > 0:11:36They serve, like, absolutely no purpose, apart from to bite you,
0:11:36 > 0:11:38and just make you feel massively uncomfortable.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40It's like...
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Why are they there? Why do they exist?
0:11:43 > 0:11:45All they do is bite your skin, suck your blood a tiny bit,
0:11:45 > 0:11:48tiny bit, just enough to make you, like,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51completely uncomfortable for the rest of the evening.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Do you know what I mean? And also, malaria, that's pretty rude.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57I'm not really down with that.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59And they only, have you noticed, they only have...
0:11:59 > 0:12:01- That little sound they make... - SHE MAKES HIGH-PITCHED SOUND
0:12:01 > 0:12:04That little sound, they only make that, after they've
0:12:04 > 0:12:05already bitten you.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- Did you know that?- Is that true? - I discovered that recently.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Yes, it is. Yeah, and that's like, not only have you bitten me, yeah?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14But then it's like you're insulting me.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16You're adding insult to injury, you're then going...
0:12:16 > 0:12:18"Bitten you!"
0:12:18 > 0:12:20- That's not OK. - Is that genuinely true?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Yeah, it's the blood vibrating inside them.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- Is it?- Wow, that's amazing.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29That's like after you drink a cup of tea and you go, "Ah!"
0:12:29 > 0:12:32- Yeah, exactly!- Next time I'll just go, "Yeah, I hope it chokes you!"
0:12:35 > 0:12:38But they can bite you as many times as they want, can't they?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40It's not like bees, sting you once and they're dead,
0:12:40 > 0:12:42and you're, like, "Oh, honourable, you know.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44"I appreciate what you've done."
0:12:44 > 0:12:46You know, you wouldn't have done it if you didn't mean to.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Mosquitoes are there just like, "Om, nom, nom, nom, nom."
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Well, I've got to say, you're in very good company,
0:12:51 > 0:12:54because here's someone else who doesn't like mosquitoes.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55The Democrats...
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Oh, it was a mosquito.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58I don't want mosquitoes around me.
0:13:00 > 0:13:01I don't like mosquitoes!
0:13:03 > 0:13:06I don't like those mosquitoes, I never did.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07OK. Speaking of mosquitoes...
0:13:09 > 0:13:10..hello, Hillary, how are you doing?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:13:12 > 0:13:16- Ooh!- What I like about that, "I don't like mosquitoes, I never did,"
0:13:16 > 0:13:18as if there was a time when they were quite popular.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23I think it's really rude as well that they only bite certain people.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Like, what's that about? I was at my friend's house the other day,
0:13:26 > 0:13:29on her balcony, I'd been out there for about five minutes,
0:13:29 > 0:13:32and I had about seven mosquito bites on me already.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34And I said to Emma, I was like, "Emma, do you have any, like,
0:13:34 > 0:13:36"mosquito bite cream?"
0:13:36 > 0:13:39"Anything like that?" And she's like, "Oh, no, no, sorry,
0:13:39 > 0:13:42"they don't really affect me. They don't really bite me."
0:13:42 > 0:13:43And I'm, like, "What?!"
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Why have they just munched me?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48And, like, both my other friends are completely fine.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Feel privileged that you're the chosen one.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53But I'd rather not be, though, do you know what I mean?
0:13:53 > 0:13:54It's good to feel wanted.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58- Yeah.- I hate to tell you this, Pearl, but one study
0:13:58 > 0:13:59showed people...
0:14:01 > 0:14:04..whose hygiene was not quite...
0:14:04 > 0:14:06LAUGHTER
0:14:06 > 0:14:10Basically, sweatier people get bitten more often.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12I am quite a sweaty person.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16- Maybe that's it.- Oh, well, there you go. They like a bit of seasoning.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19I can't change that, though. What do I do about that?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Wear Crocs, they're very...
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Let the air blow through you.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28OK, we come to the end of that round.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Now then, I...
0:14:32 > 0:14:36I don't feel I can put Crocs in. I think...
0:14:36 > 0:14:38I wear them, and that would seem hypocritical.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41I think there's a bit of snobbery about Crocs.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44I think people with wide feet, really, it's changed my life.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50You wear your fancy stilettos, but when you get to a certain age,
0:14:50 > 0:14:51you need that space.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59I thought about putting in things I don't want to do.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01But I don't want to.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06So I'm going to put mosquitoes into Room 101.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Yes! Yes!
0:15:12 > 0:15:13Get them in there. Get in! Get in!
0:15:19 > 0:15:21What's upsetting Scarlett?
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Right, Little Cartons Of UHT milk, now...
0:15:29 > 0:15:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Like, what is it?
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Someone once told us that it was evaporated milk, so how is it there?
0:15:45 > 0:15:48And, like, it never has a sell-by date on.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- No.- It never says cow's milk.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52So I don't know what...
0:15:53 > 0:15:57..it's come from. It could be any animal.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01And, just, they're always the size of thimbles.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Like, who has that much milk in their tea?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Just make them a bit bigger.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10If you're going to go through all the hassle of making a
0:16:10 > 0:16:12tab that you can't open, that you've got to struggle with,
0:16:12 > 0:16:14so half of it spills out, make it bigger.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17So, how many would you use in a cup of tea?
0:16:17 > 0:16:20- About eight.- No?- Genuinely.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22You would use eight?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Because they're that big.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27I know, but sometimes I'll just make the tea black,
0:16:27 > 0:16:29and I'll drink it with UHT chasers.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Straight down.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39Milk's a natural thing, isn't it? That's why it goes off.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40It shouldn't last years.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Do you know what I mean? It shouldn't.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46- But that's progress, isn't it? - No.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50The life expectancy of human beings have increased, why not milk?
0:16:53 > 0:16:57I just don't... Like, they never have sell-by dates. It's dangerous.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Well, it can't be that... Surely they wouldn't...
0:17:00 > 0:17:02The Government would...
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Stamp down on this, surely, if it was deadly?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07What does it even stand for?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10It sounds like something you need a course of antibiotics.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12UHT. "Oh, I'll have some UHT."
0:17:12 > 0:17:16- It sounds...- "I wouldn't want to catch UHT, lasts for ages."
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Yeah, exactly.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21And I just don't want to be drinking something that sounds like that.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Do you go to the tanning salon, ever?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27What's a tanning salon? Like a spray tan?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29No, when you go, and you lie on a sunbed.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Oh, no, I don't do that, I just fake it.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34I find they make a fabulous pair of...
0:17:42 > 0:17:44That's brilliant.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45That is brilliant.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50Not only that, but it's not the only sensitive area on your body,
0:17:50 > 0:17:52obviously, so I also wear...
0:17:59 > 0:18:02They call me Pot Noodle at the tanning salon.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07I quite like the novelty of opening them.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09You just need to get out more.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14It means you're not at home, doesn't it? It's a little treat.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Think of it as fun-sized milk.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22One thing I like about them is I still play with my Action Man.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23I'm a big...
0:18:23 > 0:18:27And I particularly liked the game Action Man, family butcher.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31See, you can use the carton...
0:18:36 > 0:18:37APPLAUSE
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Another thing I like to do,
0:18:40 > 0:18:44is half a walnut, representing roast chicken.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Look at that.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59They are practical. They are there because, otherwise,
0:18:59 > 0:19:01they'd have to give you... What else are they going to do?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04They're there so that you can make a cup of tea in your hotel room
0:19:04 > 0:19:07without having to go out and milk a cow.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Otherwise, they'd have to give you a full carton of milk,
0:19:10 > 0:19:13and put it in the fridge. They are serving a purpose.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Or just have your coffee black?
0:19:15 > 0:19:19They could just... You can get, like, mini pints, can't you?
0:19:19 > 0:19:20Hold it, how can you have a mini pint?
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Well, I don't know, like, what the specific measurement it is,
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- but it's, like, half a pint. - Smaller than your average pint?
0:19:29 > 0:19:30Yeah, it's like half a pint.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33That is condensed milk, I think you'll find.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Well, I tell you something,
0:19:42 > 0:19:47I play quite a bit of football, and I find one brilliant thing is,
0:19:47 > 0:19:48if you've run out of studs...
0:19:51 > 0:19:52..they do a great...
0:19:55 > 0:19:57MUSIC: Match Of The Day Theme
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I love that you clapped along.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Desperate for community singing. They don't want comedy.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14They want another One Bites The Dust with big foam hands.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18So what's upsetting Charlie Brooker?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- Yeah.- And this is, this is really the whole...
0:20:26 > 0:20:27..experience.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30The fact that it's necessary is annoying,
0:20:30 > 0:20:35but there's not many experiences in life in which you have to sit in
0:20:35 > 0:20:38a confined space with a stranger,
0:20:38 > 0:20:42and you have to sit there and make small talk with them
0:20:42 > 0:20:46whilst staring at yourself in a mirror...
0:20:46 > 0:20:51and having your own awkwardness amplified as you look at yourself.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55While, sometimes, drinking a cup of coffee that's getting more and more
0:20:55 > 0:20:57full of hair.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59The whole experience is just...
0:21:01 > 0:21:03..I find an absolute torment.
0:21:03 > 0:21:09And I would be far happier if there was a night barbering service,
0:21:09 > 0:21:11that you could book someone who would come round to your house,
0:21:11 > 0:21:14in the dead of night, and cut your hair while you were asleep,
0:21:14 > 0:21:18or while sedated, if they did haircuts on the NHS.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33What about that moment when they hold the mirror
0:21:33 > 0:21:35at the back of your head?
0:21:35 > 0:21:39So you can watch yourself nodding obsequiously from the back.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41You can see what you look like as a liar, from behind.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Good to know.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48I can't imagine what damage they would do that would make me
0:21:48 > 0:21:51say anything other than, "It's lovely, thanks very much."
0:21:54 > 0:21:58I always thought if I was a barber I'd get one of these.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05And the man who didn't have a bald patch, suddenly...
0:22:05 > 0:22:06HE GASPS
0:22:07 > 0:22:09I wouldn't be able to resist.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Better still, if you had a man who had a bald patch, and you had that.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15Really build his hopes up.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Then go, "No!"
0:22:17 > 0:22:19What is the purpose of the mirror?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Why do you have to have... Why can't I have a TV,
0:22:21 > 0:22:23or something like that instead?
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Why can't I have anything?
0:22:24 > 0:22:26A photograph of a terrible atrocity happening?
0:22:26 > 0:22:30That would be preferable to watching myself.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32It should have an option, in this day and age,
0:22:32 > 0:22:33like when you're on a plane,
0:22:33 > 0:22:35and the in-flight entertainment system nowadays,
0:22:35 > 0:22:39you can be watching a film, then you can just check that you're en route.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41You can see a little map.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43There should be an option, there should just be a button
0:22:43 > 0:22:46you can press that brings up the feed of your haircut
0:22:46 > 0:22:50in front of you, just for the few moments that's necessary.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Then you could go back to watching whatever war movie is preferable.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58I agree with you there. I don't know if this is just a girl thing,
0:22:58 > 0:23:02but I feel like you almost pay to be insulted.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04They sit down, and they just tell you everything that's wrong
0:23:04 > 0:23:06with your hair, like, you've got split ends,
0:23:06 > 0:23:09and your roots need doing. Your hair's dry, and you need
0:23:09 > 0:23:11a conditioning treatment on it. And I'm like...
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- And they want to cut about that much off.- Yeah.- "No, what are you doing?!
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- "This took me ages to grow!"- I just want the, like, split ends cut off,
0:23:17 > 0:23:21and then you end up coming out with, like, a bowl cut.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24I agree with you, it's awful. I hate going.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26- I agree.- I swear this is true.
0:23:26 > 0:23:32I went to a barbers in Camden Town, and I said to the bloke, he said,
0:23:32 > 0:23:35"What do you want?" And I said, "I don't...
0:23:35 > 0:23:37"I quite like yours. Something like yours."
0:23:37 > 0:23:39And he said, "Well, I have number two all over."
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Right? I said, "You should try wet wipes."
0:23:43 > 0:23:45APPLAUSE
0:23:45 > 0:23:47That bit I made up. No, don't clap that.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50I made that bit up. He said, "I have number two all over."
0:23:50 > 0:23:52And I said, "Well, I'll have that then." And so he got the...
0:23:52 > 0:23:58And he cut my hair, and I could see my scalp, because it was so short.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00And I said, "This is much shorter than yours."
0:24:00 > 0:24:02He said, "Oh, well, mine's grown out quite a bit."
0:24:04 > 0:24:06I swear!
0:24:07 > 0:24:09I swear that's true.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Oh, my God.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Do you always find that, you know, when they give, like,
0:24:15 > 0:24:18head massages as well, I always find that awkward because I'm, like,
0:24:18 > 0:24:20do I close my eyes?
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Do I keep them open and look at them?
0:24:23 > 0:24:25I went somewhere and they started giving me a head massage,
0:24:25 > 0:24:27and I thought, "Which way is this going?
0:24:29 > 0:24:32"Have I walked into the wrong bloody place?"
0:24:32 > 0:24:34This is a bit weird. I've got my head in the sink.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36I don't let them wash it, ever.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40- Do you not?- You know that sink with the, sort of, that you lean back on?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- Yeah.- It feels a bit like sleeping in a urinal.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46Just take my word for that.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Then you lean back... And I was getting it done once,
0:24:50 > 0:24:51and it occurred to me...
0:24:51 > 0:24:55I just had this image of this woman karate chopping me
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- across the Adam's apple.- Yeah!
0:24:57 > 0:25:01And once that's crossed your mind, you cannot enjoy it.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03You're very vulnerable in those sinks.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06- I've thought that. It's like Sweeney Todd or something.- Oh.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09It's the perfect... Oh, toughen up!
0:25:11 > 0:25:12And so, to Pearl.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Hear me out here, yeah?
0:25:21 > 0:25:25OK, so the thing about swimming goggles that really gets me is
0:25:25 > 0:25:27that you put them on, and you're like, great,
0:25:27 > 0:25:29they're like suctioned onto your eyeballs.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32You're like, "Cool, cool. This feels pretty tight, you know."
0:25:32 > 0:25:35If you're me, you pull them around your massive amounts of hair,
0:25:35 > 0:25:36that the rubber is not going well with.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39And you get in the pool, and you're like, "This is going to be great."
0:25:39 > 0:25:41You're in there, you're swimming around, like,
0:25:41 > 0:25:44"Wow, I can see everything. Oh, my God, I can see that woman's leg,
0:25:44 > 0:25:47"it's so exciting." And then, that little bubble of water
0:25:47 > 0:25:50just comes in, comes into your eye like that, and you're just blind.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Because the chlorine is actually in your eye and it was open,
0:25:52 > 0:25:55when it shouldn't have been open underwater anyway.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57No. I don't...
0:25:57 > 0:26:00I really have a strong aversion to them.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02They lull you into a false sense of security,
0:26:02 > 0:26:03and then they just get you.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08I don't... I don't get much leakage, though,
0:26:08 > 0:26:11- with the goggles. - Maybe it's just me.
0:26:11 > 0:26:16I've got quite a large eyebrow to sort of, cheekbone ratio.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18So maybe it's that. Maybe I'm too excited in the water.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21I'm like, "Ah!" Eyes are open really wide or something.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Maybe you need a welding visor?
0:26:25 > 0:26:26Are you tightening them up properly?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Because they're very difficult to work. It's very difficult
0:26:29 > 0:26:31to work out how to tighten up a pair of swimming goggles.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34If they're a bit loose, and then you tighten them,
0:26:34 > 0:26:35- you always over judge it.- Yeah.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38You put them back on and go like that, "That's much better."
0:26:38 > 0:26:42It feels like you've stuck your eyes into the ends of two Hoovers.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Yeah. That's the thing, you come out, you've been swimming,
0:26:44 > 0:26:47and you're like, "Great, yeah!" You're about to go on a date,
0:26:47 > 0:26:50and literally, you look like your eyes have been sucked out
0:26:50 > 0:26:52of their sockets, but then just sort of popped back on.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54It's like, that's not attractive.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Are you swimming your way to these dates?
0:27:00 > 0:27:03I have to travel far to get them, trust me.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Here's some examples of goggles I actually like.
0:27:06 > 0:27:07What about these?
0:27:10 > 0:27:12LAUGHTER
0:27:15 > 0:27:19I would look... These... You might like these, Pearl,
0:27:19 > 0:27:22because I think these retain a certain glamour in the water.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27- Oh, they're nice.- Ooh!
0:27:28 > 0:27:30That's a bit Dame Edna, isn't it?
0:27:30 > 0:27:33I'm actually trying to flutter them, how can I possibly do that?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37OK, we come to the end of this.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39I...
0:27:39 > 0:27:41I can't put swimming goggles in, Pearl,
0:27:41 > 0:27:44because I can't really swim without them.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46I wouldn't want to deprive you of that.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48I think I'm not going to put haircuts in,
0:27:48 > 0:27:52because I have had some very pleasurable...
0:27:52 > 0:27:55I once had a haircut... I was on tour and I went for a haircut,
0:27:55 > 0:27:56the bloke said, "How do you want it?"
0:27:56 > 0:28:01And there was a poster of me across the road, and I said, "Like that."
0:28:01 > 0:28:02Just for those moments.
0:28:04 > 0:28:05- So...- That's brilliant.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11I am going to put cartons of UHT milk into Room 101.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25And that brings us to the end of the Show.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Well done, Pearl, you were this week's winner
0:28:27 > 0:28:29- and our most persuasive guest. - Yes!
0:28:33 > 0:28:35I should do a dab now.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41Thank you very much to Charlie Brooker, Scarlett Moffatt,
0:28:41 > 0:28:43and Pearl Mackie.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45And thank you, good night.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE