0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Getting their buttons pushed tonight are hit machine Rochelle Humes,
0:00:40 > 0:00:41joke machine Jimmy Carr
0:00:41 > 0:00:43and time machine Steven Moffat.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52What's upsetting Steven?
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Being Scottish. Now, there is nothing fundamentally wrong
0:01:02 > 0:01:04- with Scots.- No.- I'm just bad at it.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07The Scots are as lovely as all people
0:01:07 > 0:01:11who are full of loathing and shame for themselves are.
0:01:11 > 0:01:16I haven't got any of the correct opinions for a Scotsman,
0:01:16 > 0:01:19so whenever I'm asked about anything to do with Scotland,
0:01:19 > 0:01:21when I'm in England, I'm rubbish at the answer.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25So I don't follow the sport, I don't follow the politics,
0:01:25 > 0:01:28I understand nothing about it. I'm continually disappointing.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31"Did you see the match last night?" No.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36Which doesn't stop them telling me about it for the next half an hour,
0:01:36 > 0:01:39and I don't understand that. So if you aren't any good at that,
0:01:39 > 0:01:42if you aren't any good at being enthusiastic about being Scottish,
0:01:42 > 0:01:46which I'm not, then being Scottish is a major problem, for me.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Would you say? See, there are certain things one
0:01:49 > 0:01:51expects from a Scottish person.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Are you ever dour?
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- Oh, completely, yes.- OK.- Yeah.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00I went to see a Scottish historian being interviewed.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03He was talking about the Scottish Enlightenment,
0:02:03 > 0:02:06which centred around Edinburgh, and someone in the audience said,
0:02:06 > 0:02:10"Do you think there'll ever be another Scottish Enlightenment?"
0:02:10 > 0:02:12And he said...
0:02:12 > 0:02:13"The future is not my period."
0:02:18 > 0:02:21That's a lovely... I heard a great dour story about Scotland
0:02:21 > 0:02:25that Ken Dodd told, about being on stage at the Glasgow Empire
0:02:25 > 0:02:28on a Saturday night, like, the roughest gig you could possibly do,
0:02:28 > 0:02:30and he absolutely stormed it.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33It's Ken Dodd, back in the day, he took the roof off,
0:02:33 > 0:02:34the crowd absolutely adored him,
0:02:34 > 0:02:38and as there was a gap between a laugh and the next joke,
0:02:38 > 0:02:42you just heard a voice, with total clarity, shout out,
0:02:42 > 0:02:44"It's all very funny if you like laughing."
0:02:48 > 0:02:51I mean, there's no pleasing these people!
0:02:51 > 0:02:54If you like a laugh, or being happy, if you're into that sort of thing,
0:02:54 > 0:02:56don't be Scottish.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58If you like heroin and shortbread...
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Well, who doesn't?
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Both very moreish.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10I thought this might win you over. This was...
0:03:15 > 0:03:18This is available online.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21If you are about to give me a lap dance, can you just step away?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24No, I'm not about to do that. I know what you're wondering,
0:03:24 > 0:03:25is it bigger on the inside?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Not in Scottish temperatures, definitely.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35What do you think? I think it's actually quite nice.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36I don't know where to look.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Does the little door open?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- Well, you can have a sort of a split...- Oh!
0:03:45 > 0:03:48I feel like we should be having a whip-round to buy you some carbs.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- Skin and bone, man! - I'm a thin man!
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Listen to Muscles on the end!
0:04:02 > 0:04:04I'll get my own back, Carr.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07So, look, I'm going to give you three reasons
0:04:07 > 0:04:09why I think Scotland is great,
0:04:09 > 0:04:13and I'm going to do it with three pictures, OK?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15First of all, I think Scotland is great because
0:04:15 > 0:04:17it has signs like this.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I also think Scotland is great, because of the
0:04:23 > 0:04:27many, many reactions to Donald Trump I have heard,
0:04:27 > 0:04:30I think this Scottish protester has the best one.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40- Yes!- And, best of all, the reason Scotland is brilliant
0:04:40 > 0:04:43is because they can make their own Advent calendars.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44LAUGHTER
0:04:47 > 0:04:48That's good!
0:04:51 > 0:04:54OK, so what's upsetting Jimmy?
0:04:58 > 0:05:01APPLAUSE
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Yeah. That's right.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Tax loopholes, Frank.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13So this isn't tax evasion, this is tax avoidance.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16So it's following the letter of the law, not the spirit of the law,
0:05:16 > 0:05:18and leaving it up to us to decide how much we pay,
0:05:18 > 0:05:20and I don't think it's a good idea.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- It's not a good idea.- No.
0:05:26 > 0:05:31I don't know all the detail, I think that's been reported on.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35It's like one law for rich people and one law for everyone else,
0:05:35 > 0:05:36it doesn't seem... It doesn't seem fair,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39and it seems to me they should make the law much clearer
0:05:39 > 0:05:41and much simpler to follow and it would be better for everyone.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:46 > 0:05:51I should probably mention, I'm a recent convert to this view.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55I had, I'm not sure if you're aware, but in 2012,
0:05:55 > 0:05:56I had a 50% pay cut.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00And this is when you know you've got a tax problem.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02If anyone's ever had a letter through from HMRC,
0:06:02 > 0:06:04don't worry about that, pop that in the recycling.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08They will send another letter, they're very good like that.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11If, on the other hand, if the Prime Minister of the country
0:06:11 > 0:06:15that you live in breaks off from the G20 summit in Mexico,
0:06:15 > 0:06:18and he comes out early to do a press conference where he talks about
0:06:18 > 0:06:21nothing other than your personal tax affairs...
0:06:21 > 0:06:23that is going to be a problem,
0:06:23 > 0:06:26and I know, because that is what happened to this guy.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Shall we go for a little walk down memory lane and relive that?
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Oh, oh, I can't imagine any problem with that, psychologically! Yeah!
0:06:34 > 0:06:37This is the then Prime Minister, David Cameron.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Some of these schemes, where people are parking huge amounts
0:06:40 > 0:06:43of money offshore and taking loans back to just
0:06:43 > 0:06:47minimise their tax rates, it is not morally acceptable.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49And I put it like this, you know,
0:06:49 > 0:06:52think of all those people who work hard, who pay their taxes,
0:06:52 > 0:06:57and out of that post-tax income save up to go and see Jimmy Carr,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00he's taking that money and stuffing it into something where he doesn't
0:07:00 > 0:07:03have to pay taxes. That is not fair, that is not right.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06He's got a point!
0:07:08 > 0:07:10How much are your tickets that people have to save up?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15They're expensive.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17They're significantly more now than they were.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22But I think that thing of, like...
0:07:24 > 0:07:26The other reason I wanted to put this in was because,
0:07:26 > 0:07:29I kind of thought, obviously, like, the Paradise Papers then came out
0:07:29 > 0:07:33more recently, and the perception is - everyone's doing this.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35I mean, the Queen!
0:07:35 > 0:07:37I know, unforgivable.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39I mean, but she's on money.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44If she wants more money, she's just got to photocopy her face.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50It's weird, as well, that thing of, like, you know, David Cameron,
0:07:50 > 0:07:53that's his job to do that, and I absolutely respect that.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54But the fact that, you know,
0:07:54 > 0:07:58it's a large offshore trust in his family name that pays no tax.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59You go, well, that's...
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- There's always going to be a level of hypocrisy in this.- Yeah.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Was there a little bit of you that was quite excited when he
0:08:05 > 0:08:07named you on the telly, though?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- It's nice to be on the news, because it rates.- Exactly, exactly.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- Because it rates!- Yeah. Have you seen my new show?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15It's called The News. It's good.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17You've featured a lock on it lately.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19I don't know why there isn't a law.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21People, like when I've spoken to accounts -
0:08:21 > 0:08:23I've spoken to a lot of people about this,
0:08:23 > 0:08:25I've become something of an expert by accident -
0:08:25 > 0:08:27and I sort of think it should be really simple.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29And I really simplified my life afterwards, and went,
0:08:29 > 0:08:31"Oh, why have I got a limited company?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33"It's mental, why have I got that?"
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Just get the money, pay the tax, and then fine.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Obviously, I should have done that earlier, but...
0:08:38 > 0:08:40- Well, hey.- It's a mea culpa, I did a bad thing,
0:08:40 > 0:08:42and I've, you know...
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Although, you know, I didn't kill anyone,
0:08:44 > 0:08:47because there's a very clear law on that.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- No grey area there.- If they had the same law on murder,
0:08:50 > 0:08:52I'd have killed loads of people!
0:08:52 > 0:08:54If they said, "Well, we leave it up to you,
0:08:54 > 0:08:57"decide what you think is morally right."
0:08:57 > 0:08:59No, that's your job!
0:09:02 > 0:09:05I always thought at the time, I thought, Ken Dodd must have
0:09:05 > 0:09:09been gutted, because he was the go-to tax dodger comedian
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- for 30 years. - You heard what Ken Dodd said, right?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13I mean, he was on trial in Liverpool, he was in court,
0:09:13 > 0:09:16in Liverpool, and they said to him, "Why didn't you pay any tax?"
0:09:16 > 0:09:19And he said, "Well, it's the Inland Revenue, and I live by the sea."
0:09:22 > 0:09:24I mean...
0:09:24 > 0:09:26I mean, he's a genius.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Are you going to do a Ken Dodd quote for every topic tonight?
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Please, please!
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- He's the absolute master. - That's quite an achievement.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38The reason for putting this in there, they could close
0:09:38 > 0:09:40all of those loopholes tomorrow, they could just say,
0:09:40 > 0:09:42"We're not doing any of that, we're not doing any of that."
0:09:42 > 0:09:46If you earn money, you pay 40% on it, and that's it, that's the law.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49This is a bit like a burglar coming on the show
0:09:49 > 0:09:51and trying to put in windows.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57I mean, they're there, but you don't have to climb through them, mate!
0:09:59 > 0:10:02No, but I mean, that's the thing, if you leave it up
0:10:02 > 0:10:05to people's morality, you've got to understand, there's quite a lot
0:10:05 > 0:10:09- of people like me that have got a morality that's flexible.- Yeah!
0:10:09 > 0:10:11But, I mean, you know how much tax I saved?
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- No.- None.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Is that because you paid it all back?
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Yeah, but I think there's a weird thing that people still think,
0:10:19 > 0:10:21"Oh, maybe you've got away with something."
0:10:21 > 0:10:22No, you don't get away with anything at all.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25It's an interesting thing that you go, it's almost like...
0:10:25 > 0:10:27I think the government loaned me some money for a bit,
0:10:27 > 0:10:31at quite a high interest rate, that's the way I see it.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Very good of them.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35I'm sorry to hear you paid it all back,
0:10:35 > 0:10:38because there's a pothole by where I live,
0:10:38 > 0:10:42and every time I drive through it, I say to my partner,
0:10:42 > 0:10:43"Thank you, Jimmy Carr."
0:10:46 > 0:10:48And now I can't do it any more.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51OK, we go on to Rochelle.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53What's making her angry?
0:10:56 > 0:11:01Yeah, HD TV. I mean, it seems very trivial now, talking about tax,
0:11:01 > 0:11:06but my real issue with HD TV is the fact that my husband
0:11:06 > 0:11:10has a real issue if I'm not watching the telly in HD.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13So I can't get my head round this. I'm sitting at home,
0:11:13 > 0:11:17watching whatever it might be, Doctor Foster, you know,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20whatever I like to watch, and he will come in
0:11:20 > 0:11:21and turn the channel over...
0:11:21 > 0:11:23He's not even in the room at this point,
0:11:23 > 0:11:25can you see how angry it's making me?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28He's not even in the room, and he will take the remote
0:11:28 > 0:11:30and turn it over.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33"I've told you, the HD number is this one," and it really,
0:11:33 > 0:11:37really bothers him, and I can't quite work out why.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39I am totally with your husband.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- Are you?- Yeah, I mean, I don't mean in that sense, that would be...
0:11:42 > 0:11:44- OK, because... - ..a shocking way to tell you.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Yeah, I was going to say, "Don't tell me like this, please!"
0:11:46 > 0:11:51But I can't bear not watching the HD version.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54And what's really interesting about that is, I can't tell
0:11:54 > 0:11:58unless I go up to the screen and put my reading glasses on.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Only then do I know whether or not I'm enjoying it.
0:12:01 > 0:12:06Your husband is right, and you should listen to him!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Are you taking her husband's side because she was watching
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- Doctor Foster, not Doctor Who? - You bet I am!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13I have to say, I'm with your husband, as well.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Are you? Is everyone?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- AUDIENCE:- Yeah! - No, you see, most of the females...
0:12:18 > 0:12:22But why... It's there, the HD channel is there,
0:12:22 > 0:12:25it's a button away, and you're deliberately watching
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- the blurry old...- Yeah, but I actually think it looks better,
0:12:28 > 0:12:31I think it's a bit more soft focus, I think HD's a bit too sharp.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35I have to agree with that, it's people like me who are the victims.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37What about the viewers, Frank?
0:12:37 > 0:12:40People used to say to me how young I look for my age,
0:12:40 > 0:12:44but now HD has come probing and prying,
0:12:44 > 0:12:46no-one ever says that any more.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48So it is cruel, I must admit.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Have you ever seen Ultra HD?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Oh, well, this would be too much for me.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Well, I went in a shop, and they had an Ultra HD telly,
0:12:56 > 0:12:58and I'm not exaggerating,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01the picture on the telly was clearer than the shop.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08It was clearer than life, Ultra HD.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09You've probably got an Ultra HD telly.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12I feel like I've been ripped off by these things before.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14I went and bought, like, a 3-D TV.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17They assured me 3-D will be the future, everything's going
0:13:17 > 0:13:19to be in 3-D, and they made two kids films, and went,
0:13:19 > 0:13:22"Yep, I think we're going to leave it."
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- Yeah!- Can I say, I've got a 3-D TV as well.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27When the bloke fitted it, he said to me,
0:13:27 > 0:13:29"Have you ever seen football in 3-D?"
0:13:29 > 0:13:30I said...
0:13:33 > 0:13:36"..Every match I've ever been to has been in 3-D."
0:13:36 > 0:13:38I think this is...
0:13:38 > 0:13:40- There's a survey done, get this. - Is there?
0:13:40 > 0:13:451,500 heterosexual couples were interviewed,
0:13:45 > 0:13:51and 24% of them said they watched TV in separate rooms regularly,
0:13:51 > 0:13:54because they can't agree even on what to watch.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56That's probably where I'm headed.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- That's sad, though.- I'm about to be straight in that bracket, I think.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01You see, me and my partner, we took the compromise,
0:14:01 > 0:14:04and we sit and we watch together
0:14:04 > 0:14:07something neither of us really wants to watch.
0:14:07 > 0:14:13Anyway, I can't put HD TVs in, I think it's been a fabulous thing.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I'm not going to put being Scottish in,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17because it's all very well for you to say,
0:14:17 > 0:14:19but if I put it into Room 101,
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I'm probably going to get head-butted into a mist.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23Yeah, don't!
0:14:23 > 0:14:28Also, I didn't want to win, because I'm Scottish.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I wanted to lose, I wanted my self-loathing to be unsuccessful,
0:14:31 > 0:14:35- do you see?- Isn't Self-Loathing a town in Scotland?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37It's every town.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42But I think Jimmy is right. If there were no tax loopholes,
0:14:42 > 0:14:46then slimy characters like Jimmy wouldn't be exploiting them.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50- 100% right.- I'm going to put tax loopholes into Room 101.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51Thank you, Frank, thank you.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Great.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Right, then, to Jimmy.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Other people's opinions, Frank.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14Specifically, this is about, sort of, 24 hour news,
0:15:14 > 0:15:16and their propensity with the vox pop...
0:15:18 > 0:15:20..which I'm not a huge fan of.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22I like... I'll tell you what I like, experts.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26I think it was Michael Gove who said, "I think people
0:15:26 > 0:15:28"are tired of experts." No, I'll tell you what I'm tired of -
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- Michael Gove. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:34 > 0:15:37I like an expert. I like watching the news, and they've got
0:15:37 > 0:15:39some economist on there, or they've got a doctor talking
0:15:39 > 0:15:41about something, and you go, "Oh, right, I didn't know that,
0:15:41 > 0:15:45"that's brilliant." And they're very rarely outside a Greggs at four.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53They're not.
0:15:55 > 0:16:01I know what you mean. I heard a radio phone-in about crime
0:16:01 > 0:16:04in the UK, just a couple of days ago,
0:16:04 > 0:16:09and I think if the contributors, instead of speaking, had whistled,
0:16:09 > 0:16:14it wouldn't have in any way lessened the content of the show.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17I quite like vox pops. Like, some shows,
0:16:17 > 0:16:20when they have like a morning show and it's a bit of fun,
0:16:20 > 0:16:22and they go, "Who should be the next James Bond?"
0:16:22 > 0:16:23Great question in the high street.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26"Should they bring back salad cream?" I'm fine with that.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29But as soon as they go, you know, "What do you think about Brexit?"
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I go, "It's too important, tell us what happened,
0:16:31 > 0:16:33"give us the facts on the news."
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- It shouldn't be an opinion show, I don't think.- Yeah.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39APPLAUSE
0:16:39 > 0:16:40And I realise...
0:16:42 > 0:16:44I realise that applause there suggests this audience
0:16:44 > 0:16:48agree with me, but that is only their opinion, so I don't care.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54I think it is quite helpful, though, to constantly remind yourself
0:16:54 > 0:16:58of how little people know about politics, for example.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Otherwise, you're likely to trust them with
0:17:00 > 0:17:03a really significant, life-changing referendum.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Yeah.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Can I show you, this is an MP, an Australian MP,
0:17:14 > 0:17:17who presumably is the sort of person you think should be interviewed,
0:17:17 > 0:17:20and they're asking him about same-sex marriage.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24So, you know, he's working in a legislative assembly,
0:17:24 > 0:17:27so he's the man to speak to.
0:17:27 > 0:17:32You know, people are entitled to their sexual proclivities, you know.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35I mean, let there be a thousand blossoms bloom,
0:17:35 > 0:17:37as far as I'm concerned.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40But I ain't spending any time on it,
0:17:40 > 0:17:43because in the meantime, every three months,
0:17:43 > 0:17:46a person is torn to pieces by a crocodile in North Queensland.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48LAUGHTER
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- What?- Sometimes it's nice to hear from more than one personality...
0:17:56 > 0:17:57..within an interview.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00This is not, strictly speaking, a vox pop, but it is an interview
0:18:00 > 0:18:04with a member of the public, because she's 110,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07and we all want to know what it feels like to be 110.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10I think this woman illustrates it better than most.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Later today, Flossie's family is going to be coming out here
0:18:13 > 0:18:15to throw you a big birthday party.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Are you excited for your party?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Not one bit.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- I love that woman. - Is she Scottish?
0:18:26 > 0:18:27Not one bit excited.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30We should point out, we're not saying, A, the public are stupid.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32We're saying we don't know about stuff.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34I don't know about loads.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36I was asked, this is a genuine thing,
0:18:36 > 0:18:38I was on the South Bank in London,
0:18:38 > 0:18:41and there was a group from a university,
0:18:41 > 0:18:44and it was the Darwin centenary anniversary of some kind,
0:18:44 > 0:18:47and they asked me my views on evolution.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51So I said, "Well, if we came from chimpanzees,
0:18:51 > 0:18:55"how come there are still chimpanzees knocking around?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57"What are they, late developers?"
0:18:58 > 0:19:00And I said to them, "Are they like when you get popcorn
0:19:00 > 0:19:04"that hasn't popped, the hard bit?"
0:19:04 > 0:19:08And the bloke looked upset, not just, like, disappointed in me,
0:19:08 > 0:19:10but why ask me something like that?
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Ask a scientist.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Yeah.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15- You remember the point that I made? - Yeah!
0:19:17 > 0:19:19I think we're in agreement on this.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21OK, so to Steven.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Sandy beaches.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Obviously a pressing issue.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- What?- Yeah.- Rochelle is horrified!
0:19:32 > 0:19:35What you don't realise is, you actually agree with me.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39- I don't!- You do. Look, look...
0:19:39 > 0:19:43It's sand, it's rubbish!
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Look, it's just lots and lots of really small sharp stones.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49It's basically grit!
0:19:49 > 0:19:52It's a patch of grit!
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Now, in the presence of a patch of grit,
0:19:55 > 0:19:59which you have been sentenced to for your holiday,
0:19:59 > 0:20:02why would you then say, "I think I'll undress?"
0:20:02 > 0:20:03And I think I'll roll in it.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06And I will lie in it! And I will get it all over me,
0:20:06 > 0:20:10and in case that isn't working well enough, I'll get wet,
0:20:10 > 0:20:12so it sticks to me!
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Now, what about beaches made of wool?
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Or velvet? Or something nice to walk on?
0:20:21 > 0:20:26Not really small, blonde, stones?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28If they were black, those beaches, you'd be saying,
0:20:28 > 0:20:30"No, that's just a patch of grit!" Well, it is!
0:20:30 > 0:20:33It's just bleached grit!
0:20:37 > 0:20:41Have you considered visiting a beach outside of Scotland?
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Beaches in Scotland don't have sand, they have boulders!
0:20:45 > 0:20:48What about the fact that children love to play in it?
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Yeah! What about a sandpit?
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Children love to play in anything we give them to play in,
0:20:53 > 0:20:56including cardboard boxes and litter.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Because children...
0:20:58 > 0:21:00are stupid!
0:21:00 > 0:21:03I have a five-year-old, I started very late with children.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07I was 55 when he was born, so I was pushing it.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Anyway, I covered him in sand on the beach
0:21:10 > 0:21:12so just his head was sticking out.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Had he been naughty?
0:21:14 > 0:21:18No, just to give me a minute.
0:21:18 > 0:21:19And he really thought it was great.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21And he started going, "Let's bury Daddy!
0:21:21 > 0:21:26"Let's bury Daddy!" And I said, "There'll be time enough for that."
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Here is a bit, this is a sign next to a beach.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Oh, my gosh.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Sounds a bit extreme, but this here is the beach.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53ENGINE WHIRS
0:22:01 > 0:22:03LAUGHTER
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Oh, what fun!
0:22:13 > 0:22:14And that's real?
0:22:14 > 0:22:17No, no, we did that.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26The effects budget on this show, through the roof!
0:22:26 > 0:22:30- We got a picture of you on the beach, Rochelle, actually.- Oh, no.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32I'm very worried about your tan lines.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I know, I know.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36I don't know if you've ever seen a lattice porkpie...
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- ..but that's a real danger. - There I am!
0:22:40 > 0:22:43That's what your back would look like when you got in that night.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45That looks really good, actually.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49What, the lattice porkpie? It does look amazing.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53And I've got some photographs of sand sculpture.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55This might, at least when you're on sand,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58it's sort of beach related, first one particularly brilliant.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02- Look at that.- Oh, wow.- That is a Doctor Who sand sculpture.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04- That's great, don't you think? - Yeah, it is terrific.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08They should've done it in some other substance and they could've kept it!
0:23:08 > 0:23:10- Yeah, that...- But they stupidly made it out of sand.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12It's all going to go away, isn't it?
0:23:12 > 0:23:14What a waste of work and effort.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18Yeah, they didn't think it through. You're right. What about this one?
0:23:18 > 0:23:19This is Winston Churchill.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23I don't remember him being that chirpy.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26I think that's Bob Hope, isn't it?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- OK!- I'm pretty sure that's Bob Hope.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30It could be Bob Hope.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33My particular favourite is James Bond.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38I didn't even know I'd got the job.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41What a way to find out!
0:23:42 > 0:23:44OK, Rochelle.
0:23:47 > 0:23:52People that don't bring their own bag out on a night out.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- Obviously...- Guilty as charged.
0:23:55 > 0:24:01No, OK, so my problem with this is, don't bring lots of stuff.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04You know, you've got your house keys, your phone,
0:24:04 > 0:24:07whatever it might be you need, your wallet, etc, etc.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10If you don't have a bag to hold the contents of that in
0:24:10 > 0:24:14and expect me to be able to give you mine.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- You know?- It's really annoying.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18It's so annoying!
0:24:18 > 0:24:21And you're the one, you're the one person with the bag.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22I'm the one person with the bag.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24And everybody... I get the reverse of this.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28I wear a jacket when I go out and my partner likes
0:24:28 > 0:24:32to just wear, you know, a dress, whatever.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36And she doesn't even ask me, she starts putting stuff in my...
0:24:36 > 0:24:39- She basically uses me as... - See? It's irritating.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41She uses me as shelving!
0:24:41 > 0:24:44- Just loads you up! - And takes stuff out!
0:24:44 > 0:24:47So I'm talking, and she's already taken lipstick out.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49And then that's going back in.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Do people still do that thing?
0:24:51 > 0:24:55When I was a sort of person that went out drinking, people used to...
0:24:55 > 0:24:58If it was the summer, say you hadn't got many pockets,
0:24:58 > 0:25:02people used to put their cigarettes and their matches in the sleeve
0:25:02 > 0:25:04of their T-shirt.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Or a bra!
0:25:07 > 0:25:08- Pardon?- No!
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Oh, thought you were leaving, in French.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22- A bra's quite useful for that. - A bra? It never occurred to me.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Tell your wife, next time she tries to put the lip gloss in your pocket,
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- just pop it in the bra.- We got some pictures of you with various use.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31First of all, using a bag as an umbrella.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Oh! Oh, yeah. Oh, no!
0:25:33 > 0:25:36The picture on the right, I've never seen anyone respond
0:25:36 > 0:25:39to rain that negatively.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41That's probably a really expensive bag.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Would you put that bag on the pavement,
0:25:43 > 0:25:45say if you are getting something out of the boot?
0:25:45 > 0:25:46Oh, I'm not that person. I hate that,
0:25:46 > 0:25:49when like people are like, "Oh, no, watch my bag and put it here."
0:25:49 > 0:25:51No, the bag can go on the floor.
0:25:51 > 0:25:56Yeah, because apparently the bottom of the average woman's handbag
0:25:56 > 0:25:59has more bacteria than a dog's rectum.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02- Yeah.- I hope that wasn't a taste test.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07No, it says, "Say scientists."
0:26:08 > 0:26:10That must be... Yeah, that isn't...
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Because you put it on the pavement, floors, and all that.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16What do you guys do? When it's summery and you're not wearing
0:26:16 > 0:26:19a jacket, where do you put your things?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21In the jacket that I am wearing.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23- Yeah.- Even if it's really hot?
0:26:23 > 0:26:28I put a jacket on just in order to be able to carry things.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30- Oh, do you? - Yes, even though I'm miserable.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34- But as we've already covered... - That is a bonus for you.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Are you familiar with deely boppers?
0:26:37 > 0:26:41If I'm going out on a sort of a party night, I wear these.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Oh, God...
0:26:42 > 0:26:46Which has got all the important things I need,
0:26:46 > 0:26:48and they're not in the way.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53So, you know, wallet, phone, Halls mentho-lyptus lozenges...
0:26:55 > 0:26:59..magnifying glass. Mind your own business.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01And obviously, wet wipes.
0:27:01 > 0:27:06And if they don't get in the way, and I don't need to wear a jacket.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09- You wouldn't even know you had it on.- No.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11So subtle.
0:27:11 > 0:27:16OK, then. There is something I find strangely compelling about
0:27:16 > 0:27:18the opinions of people who don't know what they're talking about.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22Probably why you like hosting this show so much.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24It is indeed.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27And sandy beaches, you know what?
0:27:27 > 0:27:29It's sort of brought this home to me.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31I don't have a problem with it.
0:27:31 > 0:27:36- I'd say I've got 99 problems, but a beach ain't one.- Nice!
0:27:37 > 0:27:42I think it's really, really annoying and selfish to go out
0:27:42 > 0:27:47and not take a bag and expect you to carry stuff.
0:27:47 > 0:27:48- Thank you.- You, Rochelle Humes.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50I mean, like a pop star person,
0:27:50 > 0:27:54- carrying other people's detritus, it's a scandal.- Thanks.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57And, therefore, I'm going to put people that don't bring bags
0:27:57 > 0:27:59- on a night out into Room 101! - Thank you!
0:27:59 > 0:28:01APPLAUSE
0:28:09 > 0:28:11And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Well done, Jimmy! You were the most persuasive guest,
0:28:13 > 0:28:15so you are this week's winner!
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Can't believe my luck.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Hooray for me! Hooray for me!
0:28:19 > 0:28:20Thank you.
0:28:20 > 0:28:25And thanks very much, Jimmy Carr, Steven Moffat and Rochelle Humes.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27And thank you. Goodnight!
0:28:27 > 0:28:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE