0:00:33 > 0:00:38Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101. This week providing the
0:00:38 > 0:00:40whinge beneath my wings are -
0:00:40 > 0:00:42look at me, Geri Horner,
0:00:42 > 0:00:46lift me up, Katherine Ryan, and mi chico Latino, Adam Buxton.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:58So what is winding up, Katherine?
0:01:04 > 0:01:06- Thank you. - SPORADIC APPLAUSE
0:01:08 > 0:01:12We have evolved beyond the need of phone calls, they are an ambush.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16I am not ever in a position where I want to have an immediate
0:01:16 > 0:01:20back-and-forth conversation with someone, it is too intimate,
0:01:20 > 0:01:22it is too much pressure.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25It's like somebody standing nude in my bedroom.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28I'm like, "How dare you?! You make an appointment with me
0:01:28 > 0:01:30"if you would like to make a phone call."
0:01:30 > 0:01:34I do not want anyone ringing me on the phone and having a chat.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35No, never. I'm not answering it.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38I've even trained people not to leave voicemails.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40I have a very hostile greeting.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Yet, people persist!
0:01:45 > 0:01:46They ring me all the time!
0:01:46 > 0:01:48My dad rings me!
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Builders ring me!
0:01:51 > 0:01:54People ring me looking for money that I owe them.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I don't want to answer it.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00- I just won't answer it.- I know what you mean, it's very intrusive.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04- Thank you, yes.- I don't like it when people switch media on you.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08So you text someone and then they phone you back.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10That is, what are you doing?
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- Very presumptuous. - It's like a duel!
0:02:14 > 0:02:17If I turn up with a sword for a...
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Don't turn up with a flintlock pistol!
0:02:19 > 0:02:23When I've decided how we're going to do it.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27And I really love the multimedia of texting,
0:02:27 > 0:02:30you can include so many embellishments now.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33I really love a jolly GIF.
0:02:34 > 0:02:39I have group chats, you can get so much done without using your voice.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41My mother: "I just wanted to hear your voice."
0:02:41 > 0:02:42"I moved away from you, no."
0:02:44 > 0:02:48My dad rings me and identifies himself three times,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50even though it says who it is.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53He'll go, "Hello, Katherine, it's me, your father, Finbar Ryan."
0:02:53 > 0:02:55And I'm like...
0:02:57 > 0:03:00"Yeah, I know it is.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01"What?"
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Did you not...? When you were younger, though,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09didn't you have conversations with romantic partners?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12I'm not too old to date.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17But... Yeah, OK, so if I'm in a new relationship,
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I get really excited when that person rings and I want to talk to them.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22For about three weeks and then they can text me,
0:03:22 > 0:03:24they know where I live if they want it.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31The only thing that really winds me up when you're talking to
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- someone on the phone and it cuts out...- Yes!
0:03:34 > 0:03:38And they always come back and say, "I don't know what happened there."
0:03:38 > 0:03:39"Of course you don't!"
0:03:39 > 0:03:42You'd need some sort of knowledge of network coverage,
0:03:42 > 0:03:45of basic radio wave technology...
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Ideally, you'd be in the central HQ of the phone company.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52You'll never know what happened there! Get over it!
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Now Skype, I find terrifying.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Yes, video-chatting...
0:03:56 > 0:04:01The whole thing, FaceTime, I just don't want to be seen when I'm talking.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04You know, ringing in sick used to be just about your vocal skills.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06"Uh, sorry..."
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Now you've got to buy a drip.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13It's really ruined that.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15My current boyfriend is a millennial,
0:04:15 > 0:04:19not bragging, and they are all about the video chat.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23And he is this whole new type of, he only video-chats.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26He'll be in the middle of the street video-chatting me.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28And I'll say, "I'm in the car, I'm with people."
0:04:28 > 0:04:31"Oh, how are they?" And it's become this group activity,
0:04:31 > 0:04:33which I told him repeatedly I'm not into.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38And then you're just talking to an image of yourself.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41I think if we are all really honest,
0:04:41 > 0:04:43everybody looks at themselves.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45I actually sometimes... I put my hand up. I'm vain.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Sometimes I cover my own face
0:04:48 > 0:04:51so I don't look at myself, so I look at the person
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- that I'm speaking to.- Wow.
0:04:54 > 0:04:55I think if we asked the audience,
0:04:55 > 0:04:57there would be no-one else who does that.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02You know, I'm guessing. Anyway,
0:05:02 > 0:05:06I want to show you a text leading to a voice thing.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10And this is a very beautiful, heart-warming little section.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Wow!
0:05:22 > 0:05:24That must've been horrible!
0:05:24 > 0:05:29My mother calls me always on a Sunday, and she always does it.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33I just think that's her medium to communicate.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35What if your mother wants to call you for a chat?
0:05:35 > 0:05:36My mother is dead!
0:05:42 > 0:05:45What if your mother DID want to call you for a chat?
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Well, if she did want to call me for a chat,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48she'd go through Derek Acorah.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58That is my dead mother material out of the way.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02OK, so what is winding up Geri?
0:06:09 > 0:06:14You know, I wouldn't have had you down as a pen person.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17I love writing, I'm always writing.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18Little notes and things.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22But, it's when you're on the phone and someone says...
0:06:22 > 0:06:24You know, you want to take a note?
0:06:24 > 0:06:28And you go to write the note down, and the pen doesn't work.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31And then I end up running round the house, looking for a pen.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35I actually find it really, really annoying.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36I'm with you on this one.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40What gets me most upset is when you have to do that...
0:06:41 > 0:06:43It's like it's slightly fallen asleep,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45and you have to wake it up with this... "Oh, sorry!"
0:06:45 > 0:06:47and it starts working again.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51Deodorant, ball-based deodorant.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- What's it called? Ball-based? Roll-on.- Roll-on?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Roll-on, yes!
0:06:59 > 0:07:03They're not going to have something called ball-based deodorant.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07They probably do, that's a useful product.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10But it's the same principle as a ballpoint pen.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13But I never have to get roll-on deodorant and really,
0:07:13 > 0:07:15really scribble it on my chest to get it going.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16It just starts straightaway,
0:07:16 > 0:07:18why don't they make it with the same technology?
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Why are you wearing deodorant on your chest?
0:07:23 > 0:07:27- I've got some pens you might be interested in from my collection. - OK.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31- That's of me? Oh, Spice Girl ones! - Look at that!
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- Aw! - AUDIENCE WHOOPS
0:07:33 > 0:07:36I have to say the picture is quite...
0:07:38 > 0:07:40..it's quite bum-centric!
0:07:40 > 0:07:42- It is!- You know what?
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Isn't it funny, now I can see that, at the time I didn't realise.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47- What...?- Yeah.- You didn't realise?
0:07:47 > 0:07:51- Isn't it fun, when you're, like, younger...- Did you not notice where the camera was?
0:07:52 > 0:07:54- I didn't realise it was saying, "Hey, look at my bum."- Yes.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57- I didn't realise.- It's so "look at my bum."
0:07:57 > 0:07:59The fact they're called felt pens I find a worry.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05It reminds me, you know I was the first practising Catholic to win
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Rear Of The Year. There's a picture of me.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Ah, look at you!
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Yeah, we both fell into the same trap, didn't we?
0:08:14 > 0:08:18Hold on a minute. Can we just talk about what you're wearing there?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- What is that?- I'm wearing long johns.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Is that the picture they used to promote your win?
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- Yes.- Well, that's not a good picture, though.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- Why didn't you wear pants? Is it cos you are shy? - Or nothing, or nothing.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Don't you start. At least I didn't say,
0:08:31 > 0:08:35"Oh, I didn't realise they were taking a picture of my bottom!"
0:08:39 > 0:08:42We don't have Rear Of The Year in Canada.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44How many pens do you have to fit in to win?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51I actually got those pens off eBay.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53- I haven't kept them all these years. - Wow!
0:08:53 > 0:08:55I want to show you the picture they used on eBay.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Just in case... You don't want to buy a set of pens
0:09:01 > 0:09:03and find they're 30ft long.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Can't get them in your house.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Anyway, what is upsetting Adam?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23I'll give you an example of what I'm talking about.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27The other day after the school run in the morning,
0:09:27 > 0:09:29I stopped in at my local supermarket
0:09:29 > 0:09:32to pick up some supplies for the week ahead,
0:09:32 > 0:09:39which included four cans of, you know, alcohol-rich lager.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44As the checkout person was scanning them,
0:09:44 > 0:09:48they raised their eyebrows at me and said, "A bit early, isn't it?"
0:09:51 > 0:09:57And so I said, "Well, maybe for you, but I'm a raging alcoholic.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02"For me, it's never too early to start blotting out the pain."
0:10:05 > 0:10:10I didn't say that. What I actually said was, "Yeah!" But...
0:10:14 > 0:10:16But there's no need for bants!
0:10:17 > 0:10:20There is no need for commenting on my purchases.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24Maybe I look like the kind of person that people want to...
0:10:24 > 0:10:25- Help.- ..judge or...
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- That. - Maybe they're just being friendly?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Of course they're being friendly...
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I mean, yes, you've undone me.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42I went into a greeting card shop. This is absolutely true.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45And a woman went up to the counter,
0:10:45 > 0:10:47and this was just before Christmas,
0:10:47 > 0:10:49and she said, "Do you have any Christmas cards
0:10:49 > 0:10:50"with religious scenes?"
0:10:50 > 0:10:52And the woman said, "No."
0:10:53 > 0:10:57She went out of the shop, and this woman to the whole shop said,
0:10:57 > 0:10:59"God you get some weird people."
0:11:02 > 0:11:05I'll tell you what I can't do.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09I can't go and just buy toilet roll.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11- Yeah.- I have to buy other stuff with it.
0:11:11 > 0:11:16If you just buy toilet roll, I don't like that man on a mission feel.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19Because they'll be thinking,
0:11:19 > 0:11:21"Frank Skinner's going to wipe his bum."
0:11:21 > 0:11:25- Yeah.- Exactly.- But it'll be the Rear Of The Year!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29- Right?- Very good!
0:11:31 > 0:11:35That'll be a little handwritten sign on the toilet roll.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36"As used..."
0:11:38 > 0:11:41"..to wipe the Rear Of The Year."
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Have you got a plaque in your bathroom? You should so do that.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48It's got to be in the downstairs loo where other people go.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52And so when they come into your house, they see your trophy,
0:11:52 > 0:11:54your little certificate.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57It's a lovely... You get a massive silver plate when you win.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01- Do you?- It's a bit like the women's singles...
0:12:01 > 0:12:03at Wimbledon. It's an enormous thing!
0:12:03 > 0:12:07Is it moulded in the shape of your...?
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Yeah, I've made many a...
0:12:10 > 0:12:13That would be the thing, though, wouldn't it? To have a sort of
0:12:13 > 0:12:16silver-plated jelly mould of your bottom?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19And then you could make people arse jelly.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23I like it, I love it.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Katherine likes it.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26I would eat your ass jelly all day.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Things I never thought anyone would say to me.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Number 71.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40This is on Amazon.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43If you try and buy a baseball,
0:12:43 > 0:12:46aluminium baseball bat on Amazon.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49There it is, £18.40. Bargain.
0:12:49 > 0:12:54And you know you get that bit, the people who bought this also bought?
0:12:54 > 0:12:55The first one is a baseball.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58You would guess that. Take a look at the second thing they buy.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00LAUGHTER
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Oh, my God.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10It's funny that the baseball got a totally 5-star rating.
0:13:10 > 0:13:15But there were a few people of the 94 criminals who ordered a balaclava
0:13:15 > 0:13:19that weren't completely satisfied.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21So it's good to know some of them are getting caught.
0:13:22 > 0:13:29So, I'm not going to put in people who comment on your...
0:13:29 > 0:13:34Because even you admitted, they probably are trying to be friendly.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- They're being friendly, I'm being a git.- Yeah.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40I'm torn between the other two.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44Because you both... The pen thing does drive me crazy.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47But I think Katherine has argued
0:13:47 > 0:13:51with such passion about the impertinence
0:13:51 > 0:13:53of being called on the telephone,
0:13:53 > 0:13:55that we have to try and rescue her from that.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57So I'm going to put phone calls into Room 101.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00APPLAUSE
0:14:11 > 0:14:16OK, so what is upsetting Adam?
0:14:22 > 0:14:27This is a phenomenon that arrived with the dawn of the new
0:14:27 > 0:14:30millennium. And it is...
0:14:33 > 0:14:39..packaging that tries to incorporate little bits of text
0:14:39 > 0:14:44that are acute, or funny, or wacky.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Hence, wackaging.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50And presumably it started off as a fairly, you know, innocent,
0:14:50 > 0:14:54friendly gesture.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58You know, an effort to inject a bit of fun and friendliness into a
0:14:58 > 0:15:00boring corner of modern life.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03But I feel that it's trying to fix a problem
0:15:03 > 0:15:05that really didn't need fixing.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Shall we look at some examples of this?
0:15:08 > 0:15:09You mentioned...
0:15:10 > 0:15:14..the company Innocent, I think, not innocently.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17I think of them as the champions of wackaging.
0:15:17 > 0:15:22Here is something from a Innocent smoothie.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23It's got all the contents.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Two mashed bananas, 37 peeled...
0:15:25 > 0:15:28And right at the bottom, and zero bungalows.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34I mean, it's comedy at what I would call the Christmas socks level.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39You know, the idea that the bad thing about capitalism
0:15:39 > 0:15:43is it's so unfriendly and the packaging is so functional.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45I don't think Karl Marx was sat there thinking,
0:15:45 > 0:15:47"This is... I...I..." Do you know why..."
0:15:47 > 0:15:51This is a good impression of Karl Marx.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55"You know the thing I really hate about capitalism is the
0:15:55 > 0:15:58"functionality of the packaging."
0:15:58 > 0:15:59That's what Karl Marx said.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- He was German, Karl Marx. - Was he?- Not Russian.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12- IN GERMAN ACCENT:- "Why don't..."
0:16:14 > 0:16:20"Why not on this tin of borscht, you could put on the bottom,
0:16:20 > 0:16:22"'Turn me up the right way, otherwise when the borscht comes out,
0:16:22 > 0:16:24"'I'll be all dizzy'?"
0:16:25 > 0:16:29I'm trying to illustrate the fact that we don't need the little cute...
0:16:29 > 0:16:30That was much better.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32..funny messages. Thank you very much.
0:16:32 > 0:16:37And also it's sort of bled across into other areas where people seem to
0:16:37 > 0:16:41think that you need, like, a fun, crazy little jokey message,
0:16:41 > 0:16:43where I don't think you do. Like, going...
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Have you been into a certain train toilet and you will
0:16:47 > 0:16:51close the door and you will immediately get a recorded message
0:16:51 > 0:16:56that says, "Please do not flush sanitary towels, paper towels,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58"your ex's sweater, goldfish,"
0:16:58 > 0:17:03you know, "Your hopes and dreams down the toilet."
0:17:03 > 0:17:07And it plays every single time you go in.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Which for me is a great deal because I love the toilet.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13And it's like having a guy...
0:17:13 > 0:17:15And I understand that...
0:17:15 > 0:17:17I don't mind the repeated joke, though.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Really? The same joke every single time told in exactly the same way?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23I do that in my everyday life.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Ever since I've had a child,
0:17:25 > 0:17:27some people will say to me, "How's your little one?"
0:17:27 > 0:17:29And I always say, "How dare you?"
0:17:29 > 0:17:30LAUGHTER
0:17:30 > 0:17:33I mean, every time, yeah.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37That's good. That's got the advantage of being short.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- The joke, I'm talking about.- Yeah. Yeah.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42What would you have put on the packaging?
0:17:42 > 0:17:47Just ingredients, sell by date, serving suggestion.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50That's all I really actually want.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53One thing that really annoys me is I kind of want to know if things are
0:17:53 > 0:17:55good for me or not, and you get something
0:17:55 > 0:18:00that's called the zero calories multi-nutritional snack bar,
0:18:00 > 0:18:03and you find there is less sugar in a bag of sugar...
0:18:04 > 0:18:06..than there is in that bar.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08That winds me up. I want more facts.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11If they're going to be matey with me, say stuff like,
0:18:11 > 0:18:15"Contains a green powder that gives rodents chronic diarrhoea."
0:18:18 > 0:18:22"Laid by chickens that live in the dark and wish for death."
0:18:24 > 0:18:26No, wouldn't that be better to know?
0:18:26 > 0:18:29To have the truth rather than some...
0:18:29 > 0:18:32God knows, I love a silly joke more than anyone
0:18:32 > 0:18:35but not on a packet of...
0:18:35 > 0:18:36..sausages.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41You don't get it on that. They wouldn't dare go there, let's face it.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Can I show you some random...
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Yeah.- ..comedy packaging just to make myself happy?
0:18:46 > 0:18:49This is table tennis training balls.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54LAUGHTER
0:18:56 > 0:19:00- That's funny.- I felt the Spice Girls marketing people missed an opportunity there.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04I love... I tell you what, we laugh at that but it's a picture I keep
0:19:04 > 0:19:06staring at.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08There is something very sexy about that.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10There is.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I think it is the fake tan element.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15What about this jam?
0:19:16 > 0:19:17"Tastes like grandma."
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- Bit weird.- I have to say at my age, that's quite a selling point.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34I think we'll move on, shall we?
0:19:35 > 0:19:37OK, so to Geri.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39OK, I've forgotten mine.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Well, everyone may relate to this in different ways.
0:19:46 > 0:19:51And one of the things that sort of really made me think about it was
0:19:51 > 0:19:56that I was breast-feeding and I've got quite a big baby
0:19:56 > 0:19:58and I couldn't keep up with his demands,
0:19:58 > 0:20:02so I ended up doing formula, feeding him formula.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05And there's a bit of a milk mafia going on that you really must...
0:20:05 > 0:20:07You know, breast is best.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08And I really couldn't keep up.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11And so, I read it in a book somewhere, it was saying, you know,
0:20:11 > 0:20:14get rid of the guilt fairy, you know, that sits on your shoulder.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Whatever it is, you know, whether it's, you know, you've eaten the
0:20:18 > 0:20:23cake, or have you been the best guy on TV, or the funniest comedians.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24Whatever it is, I thought,
0:20:24 > 0:20:28actually when I sort of let myself be a bit rubbish,
0:20:28 > 0:20:33be a bit crap at whatever I'm doing, not being the best, it kind of is...
0:20:33 > 0:20:34It feels pretty good.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37And actually I normally do a better job at whatever it is.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Well, total silence.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43I don't know if anyone can relate to it.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47APPLAUSE
0:20:47 > 0:20:51I'm going to say, I so agree with you about,
0:20:51 > 0:20:54and this is odd coming from a bloke, but about the motherhood thing.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Cos we used to go to these groups, when my partner was pregnant,
0:20:57 > 0:21:01we used to go to this group and they're like fundamentalist hippies
0:21:01 > 0:21:05and they basically say the birth has to be in a forest clearing under
0:21:05 > 0:21:10moonlight, and if you're suffering excruciating pain, OK,
0:21:10 > 0:21:12then you can wear a garland of herbs.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Whatever you're going through in life, I'm just finding,
0:21:17 > 0:21:21just from my own experience, you know, whatever it is, whether it's
0:21:21 > 0:21:23exams, work, when I just take the pressure off and say,
0:21:23 > 0:21:25"Do you know what, you're enough, you know.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28"You don't have to be perfect," then everything's better.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32- I've murdered a couple of guys, come on.- Let it go.
0:21:32 > 0:21:37- Let it go.- Guilt fairy, the second guy deserved it and, you know,
0:21:37 > 0:21:38nobody's perfect.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42There's things I look back on that I do feel guilty
0:21:42 > 0:21:43- about, and quite right.- Yeah.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47On the first date with my partner, I told her, honestly,
0:21:47 > 0:21:51I told her that she smelt like a derelict house.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58- Why?- Well, mainly because she smelt like a derelict house.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00But she still brings that up now.
0:22:00 > 0:22:0317 years on, she will still bring that up.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07There must be things you feel you have a right to be guilty about.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Whole albums. LAUGHTER
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- Now, see... - Well, did you see the difference...
0:22:13 > 0:22:16- No, no, no, it's OK...- No, see, now I feel guilty about that.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19I think you have double trouble because you're British and you
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- guys walk around apologising for I don't even know what.- Correct.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26- Just for existing.- That is true. That's why I want to chuck the guilt in the bin.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30I have zero guilt, Geri, none, and you should have none either.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33My daughter dyed her hair purple the other day and she's British and a
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- woman like you and so she was like...- IN BRITISH ACCENT:- .."Oh, no, mother, what shall I do?
0:22:36 > 0:22:38"I'm going to get in trouble with my school."
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Probably did. Not my problem. And I was like...
0:22:43 > 0:22:46I said, "Violet, you've dyed your hair.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48"Have you done something unkind?"
0:22:48 > 0:22:50"Have you done something dangerous?"
0:22:50 > 0:22:52She said, "No, Mummy, I haven't."
0:22:52 > 0:22:54And I said, "Then you should never feel guilty."
0:22:54 > 0:22:58"Unless you've been unkind or dangerous, hurt someone else, then do whatever you want."
0:22:59 > 0:23:00You are owed it.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03I don't care.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Is your daughter Queen Elizabeth II?
0:23:09 > 0:23:13One thing that they've started putting on the Internet is dog shaming,
0:23:13 > 0:23:16which is when dogs have done bad things.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20- Poo.- Yes. And they're then reprimanded for it.
0:23:20 > 0:23:27Here's a dog that destroyed the sofa with some gusto, I must say.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31MAN SPEAKS HIS OWN LANGUAGE
0:23:53 > 0:23:55So, what is winding up Katherine?
0:23:59 > 0:24:00Marathons.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07My friend Jane has a ham-coloured husband called Brian.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Brian...
0:24:11 > 0:24:15..is one of these spandex men who runs marathons.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18I don't know what it is about a middle-aged man,
0:24:18 > 0:24:22he's got to know he can be 26 miles away from home on foot at any given moment.
0:24:22 > 0:24:27They all just start to run and then they link it to charity like,
0:24:27 > 0:24:30I've got to now subsidise their hobby.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34They're like, "It's charity. It's charity. I'm just running to raise awareness for cancer."
0:24:34 > 0:24:36We've heard of it. Sit down.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:45 > 0:24:49I think charity's a wonderful thing, but I donate to causes that
0:24:49 > 0:24:52I believe in because of the work that is achieved,
0:24:52 > 0:24:56not because someone from the office threatened to lose a toenail by
0:24:56 > 0:24:58running around. I don't like it at all.
0:24:58 > 0:25:03No, I can see that because if you said to someone,
0:25:03 > 0:25:06"Do you want to give money to the local children's hospital?"
0:25:06 > 0:25:08And they said, "Yeah, but I want you to go on a big run."
0:25:08 > 0:25:10- Yeah!- "What, you don't just want to give it?"
0:25:10 > 0:25:13"No, no, I need you to run first."
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Some evil puppet master.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19If I'm walking through central London and a homeless guy asks me
0:25:19 > 0:25:22for change I don't go, "OK, what about a little dance?"
0:25:23 > 0:25:26"Come on. Heads and shoulders... Come on!"
0:25:26 > 0:25:29You'd think I was evil.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- Yeah.- So, as you're saying, just give people the money.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35Don't make them go on a run, so you can help people who need help.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Just live your life.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41I don't like it and I've never met someone who runs marathons that I
0:25:41 > 0:25:43enjoy as a person. No offence.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51I think if you want to run not for a charity, they should let you run but
0:25:51 > 0:25:54you have to dress as Hitler.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Because there's so little scope for booing...
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- Yeah.- ..at the London Marathon, when you go you just cheer everyone.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03It would be great if there was the occasional Hitler
0:26:03 > 0:26:06who you knew wasn't doing it for charity. You could have...
0:26:06 > 0:26:09You know, see him being refused water by one of the stewards.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12That would really give it a sort of richness.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14It's all cheering, it's so happy.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18I think there's something about, I don't know,
0:26:18 > 0:26:22making the person feel good about themselves they're achieving
0:26:22 > 0:26:23something, so something...
0:26:24 > 0:26:26..positive.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29They're trying to make themselves feel better.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32I think, OK, at least it's a healthy way rather than going to get the...
0:26:32 > 0:26:34you were talking about the guy getting the three beers,
0:26:34 > 0:26:36the Red Stripes in the morning.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40It's a better way of dealing with it, I think.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43- When you say "the guy", it was me. - Do you know what I mean?
0:26:43 > 0:26:46So, if we have to pick, if I'm going to pick,
0:26:46 > 0:26:50we all need releases in life. OK, we need releases in life,
0:26:50 > 0:26:53so if I had to pick which is the better option...
0:26:54 > 0:26:59..you know, to drink in the morning or run 26 miles - I think 26 miles.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Having said that, I'd probably walk it.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04I appreciate your viewpoint, Geri,
0:27:04 > 0:27:07and it is useful for me because I think there's really bad PR out there.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Some people think that I'm nice.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Have you ever tried it, though?
0:27:13 > 0:27:14I'll run if someone's chasing me.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22OK. So...
0:27:22 > 0:27:27..ooh, I know what you mean about wackaging.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32But I think it's somebody trying a little bit of comedy.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35It's all right for us heroes of comedy to mock them
0:27:35 > 0:27:39but they're doing what they can.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42I do feel guilty about putting marathons in.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Guilt, as you say, things like mothering and stuff like that,
0:27:46 > 0:27:49to be made to feel guilty about that is an absolute scandal.
0:27:49 > 0:27:55Therefore, Geri Horner, I shall indeed put guilt into Room 101.
0:27:55 > 0:27:56Yes.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10And that brings us to the end of the show.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Well done, Geri, you were the most persuasive guest,
0:28:13 > 0:28:14so you are this week's winner.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Oh, thank you.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Thank you very much to Katherine Ryan,
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Adam Buxton and Geri Horner.
0:28:23 > 0:28:24And thank you. Goodnight.