0:00:22 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Supplying the negative vibes tonight are
0:00:38 > 0:00:40soul sister Alice Levine,
0:00:40 > 0:00:42daddy cool Bill Bailey,
0:00:42 > 0:00:44and me little Aunt Sally, Una Stubbs.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:53So, what's upsetting Bill?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Come on!
0:01:02 > 0:01:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:07It's just not right.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12It's just... There's something wrong about it.
0:01:12 > 0:01:17It's toxic, salty, fishy gloop!
0:01:17 > 0:01:20It looks like the devil's own blancmange.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21It's wrong!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Why have taramasalata when there's hummus in the world?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28CHEERING
0:01:32 > 0:01:35I've got to tell you, Bill - I'm not saying this for comedy effect,
0:01:35 > 0:01:36this is absolutely true -
0:01:36 > 0:01:43I have taramasalata as a meal, I would say, five or six times a week.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- No, you don't.- What?- I swear!
0:01:46 > 0:01:48- No, that's... - I swear that is true.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50And I'll show you why...
0:01:50 > 0:01:51You eat it...
0:01:51 > 0:01:53- five times a week? - This is how I eat it.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55- Have you seen corn cakes? - Corn cakes, yes.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57I mean, cakes is pushing it.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01- Let's call them corn coasters. - Yeah.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05I break those, and I'm...
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Honestly, if my family were here, they would testify to this.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09And I will do this.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12I'll have a bit of greenery with it, bit of salad.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14But mainly...
0:02:14 > 0:02:18Just you eating it like that, it's making me feel ill.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19- It's great!- How could you?
0:02:19 > 0:02:20- It's not right!- I love it.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23You've gone for the kind of shop-bought pink one.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- Yeah.- Which I think is... Is it Greek?- It is.- Is that where
0:02:26 > 0:02:29it's from? It's usually got fresh dill and stuff in it.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31I don't know where the pink's come from.
0:02:31 > 0:02:36It's dyed! It's dyed pink, to make it look more like pudding!
0:02:37 > 0:02:40It might be when I was a kid, I thought it was Angel Delight.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41I took a big spoonful of it...
0:02:43 > 0:02:47- The sort of quality stuff is this colour.- Yes.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49And I do occasionally...
0:02:49 > 0:02:50That's less suspicious, isn't it?
0:02:50 > 0:02:55- Yeah.- Now, the whiter stuff, that is the top-quality gear.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56That I...
0:02:56 > 0:02:58LAUGHTER
0:02:58 > 0:02:59Sorry, I'm talking...
0:03:01 > 0:03:05I'm talking like it's some kind of drug you'd buy in a pub.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07You got any of that white stuff? You know, it's not cut
0:03:07 > 0:03:09with the pink stuff. No, that's...
0:03:09 > 0:03:11So, wait, is the pink stuff, that's like street grade?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14That is really the low-grade stuff.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- That is really being... - But still lovely and they...
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- It's not!- They tend to put a little bit of beetroot in it,
0:03:19 > 0:03:20that's all to get it pink.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- It's nothing bad.- Bill thinks it's got rat poison in it
0:03:23 > 0:03:24and cement dust!
0:03:26 > 0:03:30The high-quality gear, yes, it's white, it's an ancient food.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Tarama, which is Turkish for...
0:03:34 > 0:03:35..fish.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39For, "Goodbye, mother."
0:03:45 > 0:03:50And salata, which is Greek for salad.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54I'm not decrying the good stuff, the ancient stuff.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56I'm talking about what you're talking about,
0:03:56 > 0:03:59which is this shop, this cheap, kind of pinky goop.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01- And it's suspiciously smooth as well, isn't it?- Slimy.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03It's got a strange, slimy texture.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05What do you mean "suspiciously smooth"?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- Well, because I feel like the good stuff...- It is slimy.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Slimy, yeah. The good stuff has texture.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Hummus is slimy!
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- No.- It's gritty.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17It's gritty because it's made from hardboard.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18That's what it tastes like.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20It's one of the great foods of the world!
0:04:20 > 0:04:22- Hummus? - Hummus with a carrot baton
0:04:22 > 0:04:25is one of the great pleasures of life!
0:04:25 > 0:04:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- You can put virtually anything in hummus.- Celery.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Yeah, but exactly.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Hummus needs help, in the way that taramasalata doesn't.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Taramasalata needs to be avoided!
0:04:38 > 0:04:41It needs to be buried in the Earth for millions of years
0:04:41 > 0:04:44until it loses its radioactivity!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47All I'm saying, I don't like its solo work.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Yeah, but you had to have a flipping corn cake...
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Well, there's a lot of flavour in that!
0:04:53 > 0:04:55..to force the taramasalata down!
0:04:55 > 0:04:56You wouldn't get it with a spoon!
0:04:56 > 0:04:59That's because I don't want to use my fingers.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Well, use a straw!
0:05:02 > 0:05:04I dare you!
0:05:04 > 0:05:06- You're a musical man, Bill.- Yes. - Aren't you?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Let me see if I can win you over with this.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- # Taramasalata - # Taramasalata
0:05:15 > 0:05:18# Just a starter made for two. #
0:05:18 > 0:05:20LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SINGING
0:05:20 > 0:05:23# Tip-top pitta platter went my heart
0:05:23 > 0:05:25# And then somehow I knew
0:05:25 > 0:05:28# Somehow I knew that this was love. #
0:05:29 > 0:05:32This is some kind of hell!
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Make it stop!
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- Where was that from? - It's from my new album.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46I can't tell you what an important part of my life it is, Bill.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48- I can't believe that! - You think I'm making it up!
0:05:48 > 0:05:53I have... Every week, I get through three tubs, no problem.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Would you, like, lick them clean?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Look at me, look at me! I'm 60! I look fantastic!
0:05:58 > 0:06:00And do you know why I look fantastic?!
0:06:00 > 0:06:02# Taramasalata
0:06:02 > 0:06:04# Just a starter made for two. #
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Nope!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11And so to Una.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- People who speak too loudly.- Yes.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21You know like when you're in a cafe or something and there's a group
0:06:21 > 0:06:24of people next door, and they have to shout.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26And the table's only quite small,
0:06:26 > 0:06:28and they like shouting across to each other.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29And the worst thing is...
0:06:29 > 0:06:33I go to Edinburgh quite a lot, because I have a family up there,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36and I love the train journey, it's about five hours.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40And so you've got your picnic and your book, and then suddenly,
0:06:40 > 0:06:44everybody's mobiles come out, and people start shouting down
0:06:44 > 0:06:48into them. You want to go up to them and say, "Excuse me,
0:06:48 > 0:06:51"if you're as sophisticated as you're making out you are,
0:06:51 > 0:06:55"you should know that you don't have to shout into a mobile."
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Technology.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06My partner asked me very early on in our relationship
0:07:06 > 0:07:08whether people thought I was deaf.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Because people used to come up to me and go...
0:07:11 > 0:07:15HE SHOUTS: "Frankie! Frankie!" from about three feet away.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- Do you get this, Bill?- Yes. - What is that about?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Is it because we don't respond when they're shouting at the telly?
0:07:25 > 0:07:26That's right.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29I think it's an assumption that you are
0:07:29 > 0:07:32always kind of up for a bit of a laugh.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- Yeah?- You know, if you're a comedian,
0:07:34 > 0:07:37people think you're just up for a jape the whole time.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40So they would say, "Bill! Billy! Billy!"
0:07:42 > 0:07:44This is people shouting at me from vans.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Yeah. You get that thing from a van. "Legend!"
0:07:48 > 0:07:49Which I quite like.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53I got that once, and I was quite proud.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56And I looked around and King Arthur was standing behind me.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Can you explain it?
0:08:01 > 0:08:05The phone thing, I think that is people thinking you have to share.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06But there are some people...
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Plus, they're showing off as well, aren't they?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11They're doing some big business deal, you know,
0:08:11 > 0:08:13that they want everyone to hear about.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16And you can't carry on reading if people are
0:08:16 > 0:08:18shouting like that, like on the train,
0:08:18 > 0:08:21because their words get all muddled up with the words
0:08:21 > 0:08:22that you're trying to...
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Maybe you should read aloud.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- Really loud.- Really loud!
0:08:28 > 0:08:29- To annoy them.- That would be lovely!
0:08:29 > 0:08:31- That would be so nice! - If you're going to do that,
0:08:31 > 0:08:33can I come with you?
0:08:33 > 0:08:37Have you ever considered ear plugs, Una?
0:08:37 > 0:08:38No, I haven't!
0:08:38 > 0:08:42- Some people... You know, you put your fingers in your ears?- Yeah.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44But obviously, if you're in a restaurant, you're eating,
0:08:44 > 0:08:47that's difficult. So I use these.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Absolute bliss.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00These ones I wear and people don't even know I'm wearing earplugs.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09A little glimpse into the future.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- They're quite nice!- Keep you warm.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17What I really hate is when people wear these huge headphones
0:09:17 > 0:09:18and listen to music.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21But then start...
0:09:23 > 0:09:25..you know, joining in with some of the words.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28HE SHOUTS NONSENSE
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- It's horrible!- So how do you cope with these loud people, Una?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Do you just tolerate it and smile?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38I suppose I do tolerate it.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41- You've never complained? - Just close the book and...- Aww.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Do you ever lose it? Do you ever just go crazy?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I'm going crazy inside, but I don't say anything.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49I just... You never know nowadays.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52They could give you a punch or whatever.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53Oh, come on, not in first class.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Anyway, so what's upsetting Alice?
0:10:06 > 0:10:10So, passive aggression, in general, I love.
0:10:10 > 0:10:15It's great. But passive aggressive politeness is, for example,
0:10:15 > 0:10:19when someone makes themselves feel better by doing something polite,
0:10:19 > 0:10:21but it's kind of got an undertone.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23So, have you ever been in a long corridor?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Actually, it happened here. There are long corridors here.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Where somebody opens the door for you, but it's miles away,
0:10:29 > 0:10:31so you have to pick up your pace,
0:10:31 > 0:10:33and you've got bags and stuff and like a coat with you,
0:10:33 > 0:10:37so you have to run down the corridor so that you're not keeping them from
0:10:37 > 0:10:39- holding the door too long. - Yeah, I hate that.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I didn't ask you to hold the door open for me.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Don't make out like I've put you out!
0:10:43 > 0:10:46You've decided to be a doorman for the day.
0:10:46 > 0:10:51The other one which particularly upsets me is, you're on a bus
0:10:51 > 0:10:56and someone's sat on the outside seat, so the seat near the aisle,
0:10:56 > 0:10:57not the one next to the window.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01And you get on and they don't budge up to the window seat.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03They make you climb.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06They kind of lean like this, they go like this.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08And they make you budge into the gap.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12And then they go, "You're welcome," kind of thing.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14You haven't helped me in the slightest!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Don't pat yourself on the back for being a good person!
0:11:16 > 0:11:17You've done that...
0:11:19 > 0:11:23I mean, the door thing, I hold doors open for people,
0:11:23 > 0:11:24but you've got to judge your distance.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Very much. Otherwise, it is a move of aggression.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30I've had people just give up on me.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32If I open the door and I don't..
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I won't hurry.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36And they've just given up. They look over your shoulder like
0:11:36 > 0:11:39they were holding it for someone else who's now gone,
0:11:39 > 0:11:42and they just leave it. I never accelerate, let them wait.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Having said that, if I hold a door open for someone,
0:11:47 > 0:11:49I want a thank you.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51And these flats I lived in,
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I was getting in quite late and I held the door open for a bloke.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57And the thing I always say, if they don't say anything is,
0:11:57 > 0:11:59"Don't mention it. Oh, you didn't."
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- I always say that. - That's so pass agg though.- Yeah.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05And this guy said to me, "It's one o'clock in the morning."
0:12:05 > 0:12:10And I said, "Sorry, what are the opening hours for politeness?"
0:12:10 > 0:12:13It's like if you're in the car and you let someone out,
0:12:13 > 0:12:16you want something back.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18You've stopped, you're going, "Go on,"
0:12:18 > 0:12:21and they just drive past. I will go, "Oh, thank you!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23"No, thanks! Cheers!"
0:12:23 > 0:12:25I thought you were going to say, "I will follow them home
0:12:25 > 0:12:27- "and I'll walk in front of them." - Yeah!
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Follow them. Tailgate them all the way to where they live.
0:12:31 > 0:12:32I have a friend who calls it out.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34You know, the people that push onto the train before people
0:12:34 > 0:12:37have come off. And she just stands at the door and goes,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40"Off before on!"
0:12:40 > 0:12:42No-one's asked her to do it.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- That's brilliant!- Wow.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47And it does have quite an impact.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- It does.- Yeah, she's the only one in the cabin.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53It's ideal. She always gets a seat.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Una, I imagine you're a phenomenally polite person.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- Is that...?- No.- You're not?- No.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01- Oh, OK.- Like, for instance, with the car business
0:13:01 > 0:13:04and sometimes they go, "Boop, boop, boop, boop,"
0:13:04 > 0:13:06because you're not hurrying or something when you're
0:13:06 > 0:13:10crossing the road, and I always go, "Legs before wheels!"
0:13:12 > 0:13:13It's true!
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Is that the chronology of getting older?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24I've never heard of this before,
0:13:24 > 0:13:29but it's people using the names of their Wi-Fi networks
0:13:29 > 0:13:30to be passive aggressive.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32- Right.- So...
0:13:34 > 0:13:38This is so your neighbours will pick up your Wi-Fi network.
0:13:38 > 0:13:43- This is genius.- And then, actually, an exchange between two neighbours,
0:13:43 > 0:13:44this one.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47"Stop stealing my newspaper,"
0:13:47 > 0:13:49and the response - fabulous.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53"For your information, I don't read it, I just throw away!"
0:13:58 > 0:14:00I'm so into that.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02You may have guessed, Bill...
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- What? - I'm not going to put taramasalata.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07AUDIENCE BOO
0:14:07 > 0:14:09What would I live on?!
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Hummus!
0:14:12 > 0:14:14People who talk too loudly...
0:14:14 > 0:14:20Again, it is a pain, but I love to eavesdrop on a train.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24And I know it's not my business that Dave in sales lost 7K on the
0:14:24 > 0:14:28Zanussi deal, but I still like the idea that I'm hearing it.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30It's exciting. The passive aggressive polite...
0:14:30 > 0:14:33I think politeness is such an important thing
0:14:33 > 0:14:37and I don't want it impaired or spoilt in any way,
0:14:37 > 0:14:41so I'm going to put passive aggressive politeness into Room 101.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:52 > 0:14:55So, what's making Una unhappy?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05APPLAUSE
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Moths.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08I mean, what are they for?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11I had a lovely, woolly dressing gown once,
0:15:11 > 0:15:14and I hung it up for the summer season.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17And when I went to it in the winter season, there was a hole -
0:15:17 > 0:15:19I don't exaggerate - that big.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21I mean, un-mendable.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25And you never see moths flying around with great big bellies.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27What do they do with the wool that they've eaten?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30You never see moth poo.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- No.- What are they doing with all this wool?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35What actually eats the material is,
0:15:35 > 0:15:42they lay their eggs and the eggs use the cloth as nutrition,
0:15:42 > 0:15:45and so it's the growing babies that...
0:15:45 > 0:15:47But the hole was that big!
0:15:47 > 0:15:50You know, it's quite a community there.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Do you think moths are making their own clothes?
0:15:53 > 0:15:54You know, secretly?
0:15:54 > 0:15:56They go for the posh wool.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58They do, yeah. They love the nice stuff.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02They leave all the taramasalata of the clothed world.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05They leave all of that and they go for the nice stuff.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06Well, that's resentment,
0:16:06 > 0:16:10because, like, butterflies always look fantastic,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13whereas moths have got that sort of North Korea type of feel.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18I can show you an example, this is brought from my house.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22I have a moth trap, and, if you look at that,
0:16:22 > 0:16:26it looks like there's been some sort of terrible germ warfare
0:16:26 > 0:16:28happened in the Louvre.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Or like somebody's done a graph, but using dead moths.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40- This is about a month's worth of collection in my bedroom.- Really?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Yes, so I get quite a lot.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- I found the solution.- Ah.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Lavender bags.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49What? Hit them with a lavender bag?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Squeeze the lavender bag.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Every time you open the drawer and then with the sweater,
0:16:53 > 0:16:55just squeeze them and the smell.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- They don't like the smell.- I did that, but I got rid of the moths,
0:16:58 > 0:17:01but when I got in my room it's full of pensioners.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Which...
0:17:05 > 0:17:06APPLAUSE
0:17:09 > 0:17:11..at my age, is not a bad thing.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Moths are amazing. No, I'm sticking up for moths, I'm afraid.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18- Really?- Are you? - Moths are amazing creatures!
0:17:18 > 0:17:20There's more species of moth than butterfly.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23They're incredibly diverse, you can't say they're dull and brown.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25What about the Emperor Hawk-moth? Come on!
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- CHEERING - Yes! They're beautiful.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- Very pretty.- Stunning example. - Everyone's like, "Yeah! I don't really know..."
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Just stunning pinks and browns, they're beautiful things.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Fascinating creatures!
0:17:36 > 0:17:38And they're nocturnal. Like, I'm nocturnal.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41So I associate with moths.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45You didn't consider wearing the dressing gown with the hole?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50No, it was huge and it was in a funny place.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54So, what is upsetting Bill Bailey?
0:18:06 > 0:18:10I find this a kind of torture.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13And when I say trying on clothes, I don't mean at home,
0:18:13 > 0:18:16in the comfort of your home. I mean going to a shop,
0:18:16 > 0:18:20and trying to pick clothes out, going into a booth,
0:18:20 > 0:18:21and trying them on.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24It's just some form of hell.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29Because you get in and the clothes are stiff and unyielding.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34You get in the booth, I feel already claustrophobic.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36I'm getting a bit of a sweat on just thinking about it now.
0:18:36 > 0:18:41White wall, a mirror, yourself looking, staring at you.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44And what usually happens with me is, take your jeans off,
0:18:44 > 0:18:46all the change fell out of my jeans pocket.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52And rolled under the door of the changing room,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- out into the shop! It's in the shop now!- Oh, no.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Like, about four and half quid's worth of change
0:18:57 > 0:19:00is loose in the public domain.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04And then, the most horrible, when people go around and they go,
0:19:04 > 0:19:06"Are you all right in there?"
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Like, they think's something's gone wrong.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10And then, "Oh, there's money here!"
0:19:10 > 0:19:13And then I was just scrambling around on the floor,
0:19:13 > 0:19:18in my underpants, getting people passing money under the door.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I just thought...
0:19:24 > 0:19:25"This is no way to live!"
0:19:27 > 0:19:30I often, I'm with my girlfriend,
0:19:30 > 0:19:33so she's trying on stuff and I'm hanging around outside,
0:19:33 > 0:19:34which I don't like.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37I always find they look at you, the assistants, as if,
0:19:37 > 0:19:41are you waiting for someone or are you an opportunist?
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Just hoping the curtain might not be properly drawn or something.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49And I feel really... I have to sit looking at the floor.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52This idea, though, of being in a closed space trying to
0:19:52 > 0:19:55put on clothes, it's always awkward, there's never enough room.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I just find... And then that little shame thing
0:19:58 > 0:20:01where they give you a little disc, some plastic disc.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04"There, take that, because you look like you might steal it."
0:20:06 > 0:20:10But when I go into a cubicle and step out,
0:20:10 > 0:20:13I cannot resist going, "Ta-da!"
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I do that in public toilets.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22So there is an element of performance for me.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Well, there is, maybe.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25But it's shame, I feel.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Because I've chosen these trousers and then when they go,
0:20:28 > 0:20:30"Everything all right?" "Yes!"
0:20:30 > 0:20:32"Do you need any help?" "No! No, I'm fine."
0:20:32 > 0:20:35What I want to say is, "No, everything's not all right."
0:20:35 > 0:20:39This is a squalid indignity that I'm putting myself through.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42And when they bring that extra size, and they shout it out.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44"Who are these for?! We got these out!"
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- You're like, "Sh, don't have to tell the world!- Yeah.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49"Too small? Were they too small?!"
0:20:52 > 0:20:54"For the girl that let herself go over Christmas!"
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Yeah, thank you...!
0:20:56 > 0:20:58I don't like the mirror at the end of...
0:20:58 > 0:21:00You know, if it is the separate cubicles,
0:21:00 > 0:21:02where you're supposed to come out and look at the big mirror.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04There's already a mirror in your little room,
0:21:04 > 0:21:06you don't need to come out to the public mirror
0:21:06 > 0:21:09to do a kind of catwalk. I have my own little private space.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12And there's one of that, a bit of that on the mirror.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Oh, yeah, always distorted, like a fairground mirror.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18So you're like, "Why are my ankles now the same width as my head?"
0:21:18 > 0:21:19That's weird.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21That's mean.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Somebody putting fairground mirrors in changing rooms!
0:21:24 > 0:21:26- Yeah, or are they? - Or are they?
0:21:28 > 0:21:32But can I share, this is a changing room that you don't have to step
0:21:32 > 0:21:36out of to show the person with you what you're wearing,
0:21:36 > 0:21:37which I think is a brilliant idea.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41You put your clothing on... So a woman's gone in, this is
0:21:41 > 0:21:43her partner sitting there.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47And then she presses a button, he can see.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48OK.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52OK. So you don't have to step out.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53Isn't that a great idea?
0:21:53 > 0:21:56It feels a bit like she's not allowed out
0:21:56 > 0:21:57until she finds the right one.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03You know, that... See, that is already making me
0:22:03 > 0:22:06slightly palpitate with the fear of what might happen
0:22:06 > 0:22:08if that malfunctioned, you know?
0:22:11 > 0:22:13It un-frosts and you're...
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Stop it!
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- That would be horrible! - APPLAUSE
0:22:21 > 0:22:23That's just made it 100 times worse!
0:22:26 > 0:22:29OK, what's winding up Alice?
0:22:32 > 0:22:35So, it's drama cliches.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37There are quite a lot of drama cliches.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39So, I won't list them all,
0:22:39 > 0:22:44but one in particular that kind of grinds my gears is
0:22:44 > 0:22:47really bad exposition.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49So that's that bit where, in TV or in film,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52they give the audience the background that they need
0:22:52 > 0:22:55to understand the rest of the story. They don't have time
0:22:55 > 0:22:57to actually act it out, so they just do a bit of explaining.
0:22:57 > 0:23:02So they do lots of this in cop dramas or medical dramas.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Medical dramas are good, because it's usually a doctor explaining
0:23:05 > 0:23:07to another doctor something they already know.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09So they'll be like, "Don't forget, if we pull the heart out,
0:23:09 > 0:23:11"they're going to die!"
0:23:11 > 0:23:14When it's bad, it's really bad. It's really patronising.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- It is patronising. - Isn't it patronising, Una?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Furious about it!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20I shout at the television, "Cut!"
0:23:22 > 0:23:24It's usually about the time, isn't it?
0:23:24 > 0:23:26They think, "Let's move this along."
0:23:26 > 0:23:30We want people to get what's happening pretty...
0:23:30 > 0:23:33"Hey, so how was your day at the hospital
0:23:33 > 0:23:37"where you work as an orthopaedic surgeon for the last ten years?"
0:23:37 > 0:23:39"Well, it was great! It was great, thanks.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43"But I'm having a few problems with the affair I'm having with
0:23:43 > 0:23:45"Dr Mitchell, who lives at 42.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48"Oh, that affair which has been going on for several years."
0:23:48 > 0:23:50It's like, you wouldn't say that! That is not your small talk!
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Nobody talks like that.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54But the worst for it, the absolute worst for it,
0:23:54 > 0:23:56is every single James Bond film.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00So there's that bit, which we all know, where James Bond's
0:24:00 > 0:24:04had a lovely time, probably had a little snog with a lady.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07And then, oh, he's got captured, what a wally!
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Jim, what you playing at?
0:24:08 > 0:24:11So then he's usually about to be killed by the baddie,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14and the baddie's like, "Just before I kill you...
0:24:14 > 0:24:17"I'm just going to let you know the entirety of my plan
0:24:17 > 0:24:18"for taking over the world.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21"Kind of pointless, because obviously I'm about to kill you,
0:24:21 > 0:24:23"but I just want to get it off my chest.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26"It's kind of cathartic for me. So here's what I'm going to do..."
0:24:26 > 0:24:27And then they tell him everything.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30And then obviously he escapes. But that's for us, isn't it?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32That's so we know what he has to discover,
0:24:32 > 0:24:33or what he has to get over.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35I always think once they tell him, they're going to say,
0:24:35 > 0:24:38"Maybe I won't wait for the egg timer to strike the match
0:24:38 > 0:24:40"that burns the string that causes...
0:24:40 > 0:24:42"I'll just shoot you in the face."
0:24:42 > 0:24:47I always think that a thing that they're not very good at in drama,
0:24:47 > 0:24:50especially in like soap operas, is telling lies.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Because I think most people are brilliant at telling lies.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57But in soap operas, they say, "Have you seen Steve recently?"
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- Yes!- "Erm, no, no, no, I haven't seen...
0:25:01 > 0:25:04"I haven't seen him for ages, actually!" "Oh, I just wondered."
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Whereas in normal life - I know we've all had affairs...
0:25:09 > 0:25:10..people are brilliant liars...
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- Yeah!- .. in fact. - It's like the hug one.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14You know, when they hug in a drama,
0:25:14 > 0:25:17and one of them's evil and one of them's good.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19And then the bad one's always like this...
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- Yeah.- If you're evil, do you just constantly do evil looks
0:25:24 > 0:25:27up to like...? It's usually top, top right.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31I tell you, there's a thing in EastEnders I love.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34If someone who runs one of the market stalls
0:25:34 > 0:25:37has got something important to do, they'll just say,
0:25:37 > 0:25:40"Paul, can you look after my stall for a bit?"
0:25:40 > 0:25:44And they say, "Well, I don't... What's the pricing system?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46"I've got no retail experience".
0:25:46 > 0:25:49They just give them, like, they just give them a leather pouch...
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- Yeah.- ..with money in, and they say, "Yeah, sure", and off they go.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54As long as you've got a bum bag, you'll be fine.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- Yeah.- You don't need to know. - Come back and you're bankrupt.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00I hate it. I hate it in films and particularly dramas,
0:26:00 > 0:26:03where people say, you know, "We need to meet",
0:26:03 > 0:26:05and they go, "Where?"
0:26:05 > 0:26:08And they... They immediately know the exact location.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12"Where shall we meet?" "Corner of La Jolla, sunset, one hour.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14"Come alone." Right, how can you think that fast?
0:26:14 > 0:26:16I can't think that fast.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19If I say to you, "I'll meet you in an hour, erm, but I don't know...
0:26:19 > 0:26:23"behind Marks & Spencer's... Erm...
0:26:23 > 0:26:26"Opposite the cashpoint, where the launderette used to be.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28"I don't know!"
0:26:28 > 0:26:30The chase, obviously, is the cliche.
0:26:30 > 0:26:35Usually, like, through streets and often hitting a fruit stall.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39Often, sometimes, a fruit stall that only sells pomegranates.
0:26:39 > 0:26:40Are there any such stores?
0:26:40 > 0:26:45We've got an example of a chase with a...something I've never seen.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48I think this is, even though a chase is a cliche,
0:26:48 > 0:26:50this is an original thing, for me.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57ELEPHANT TRUMPETS
0:27:00 > 0:27:02AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:27:14 > 0:27:15That's brilliant!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18That's some serious horse skills, that is.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Do you think they dragged it through on a cable?
0:27:21 > 0:27:25I'd like to think it was... You know when mechanics go under your car
0:27:25 > 0:27:29on those sliding...? I like to think the horse was on one of those.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32OK, so, the drama cliches,
0:27:32 > 0:27:35it is poor and I suppose lazy writing,
0:27:35 > 0:27:39but I so love recognising and spotting them...
0:27:39 > 0:27:41that I don't want to, I don't want to get rid of them.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45The amount of films I've seen saved by a horse slide...
0:27:47 > 0:27:51And I was all set to put moths in, because moths have ruined clothes
0:27:51 > 0:27:53of mine, and you argued it...
0:27:53 > 0:27:55But I love trying on clothes,
0:27:55 > 0:28:00but Bill has argued with such darkness and passion
0:28:00 > 0:28:03and genuine fervour that I am going to put trying on clothes
0:28:03 > 0:28:05- into Room 101.- Yeah!
0:28:05 > 0:28:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:18 > 0:28:22That brings us to the end of the show and well done, Alice,
0:28:22 > 0:28:24you were the most persuasive guest so you are this week's winner.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:28 > 0:28:32Thanks very much to Bill Bailey, Una Stubbs and Alice Levine,
0:28:32 > 0:28:35and thank you, goodnight.