0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains strong language
0:00:21 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Hello and welcome to Good News. I'll tell you what...
0:00:33 > 0:00:36It doesn't take much to impress reporters these days.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Plates, they are pretty awesome.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40LAUGHTER
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Over at BBC Breakfast, an important sex tip...
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Never put anything larger than an elbow in an orifice.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49I've always said that!
0:00:49 > 0:00:53With all the news focusing on Japan and Libya,
0:00:53 > 0:00:55things have been a bit quiet in Scotland.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59A dozen ambulances were sent to an accident in Fife earlier today
0:00:59 > 0:01:03that resulted in a 12-year-old boy having a plaster put on his finger.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Did anyone else see that old bloke talking about vajazzling?
0:01:09 > 0:01:15If it is groomed and quite smart, it can be quite enhancing,
0:01:15 > 0:01:18but if it's a mess, you think, "Yuck!"
0:01:18 > 0:01:20What has it got inside there?
0:01:24 > 0:01:28In political news this week, the English Defence League held a march in Blackburn.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Here's what happened.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32They arrived in Blackburn by the bus load.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35THEY CHANT
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Members of the English Defence League from across the country,
0:01:39 > 0:01:42voicing their opposition to Islamic extremism.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46Can some of you, please, behave yourselves?
0:01:46 > 0:01:49In case you don't know who the English Defence League are...
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Hello, Sir, and why are you here today?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I'm here to protest, right,
0:01:54 > 0:01:59so I'm going on a march, because I want Britain to be back British.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02I want Britain to be back British.
0:02:02 > 0:02:08We've got interracial law and the muslamic infidel,
0:02:08 > 0:02:11that's how they get their law over our country.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14"Some of these burqa people, right,
0:02:14 > 0:02:18"they can't even speak proper England."
0:02:18 > 0:02:23They are trying to put the Iraqi law down on London and trying to...
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Just trying to put their law down on us.
0:02:26 > 0:02:31- We can't stand for that. - Which Iraqi law is this?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34It's the Muslim, the muslamic law.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38"The Muslim muslamic law, right.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41"Shut up, right, they want to do a 9/11 every Wednesday.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45"They want to stop me eating bacon...
0:02:45 > 0:02:49"Their leader, Al Qaeda, you know, the bloke who lives in a cave, right,
0:02:49 > 0:02:52"he wants Sharon law.
0:02:52 > 0:02:57"Well, I don't want a woman forcing me to speak Mosque."
0:02:57 > 0:02:59LAUGHTER
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Check out their leader, Stephen Lennon.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04We will not say what you want. We will not do what you want.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08I have not been groomed in public speaking. I have not been educated.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10"I've never read a book!
0:03:11 > 0:03:14"I don't even know how to use a spoon!"
0:03:14 > 0:03:17What a role model. The thing that caught my eye about this -
0:03:17 > 0:03:21they went to Blackburn because they wanted to fight an anti-fascist group.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23It didn't really work out that way.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Brilliant. The racists started fighting themselves.
0:03:35 > 0:03:41"Oi, Terry, you've given me a black eye. Now I hate my own eye!"
0:03:44 > 0:03:49I wouldn't be surprised if one of them started a fight with his own shadow. "Stop following me.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53"Stop it, you black bastard!"
0:03:53 > 0:03:59They are the kind of people who hold up signs that say, "Ban the burqa" whilst dressed like this.
0:04:02 > 0:04:08Over in Italy, the Prime Minister, Silvio "sex-pest" Berlusconi, is going to court.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12The Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, has been ordered to
0:04:12 > 0:04:16stand trial on charges of paying for sex with an underaged girl.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Prosecutors allege Berlusconi paid for sex
0:04:19 > 0:04:23with the 17-year-old Moroccan girl nicknamed Ruby.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24So is Berlusconi worried?
0:04:24 > 0:04:28Well, clearly not. He laughed off the scandal by saying this...
0:04:41 > 0:04:42HE CACKLES
0:04:42 > 0:04:46"I'm a sleazy bastard."
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Probably the most ridiculous development of the trial is this.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has called up
0:04:52 > 0:04:55George Clooney as one of his defence witnesses
0:04:55 > 0:04:57for when he goes on trial next month.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Makes sense. The two are inseparable.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01You barely see them apart.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05George Clooney says he only recalls meeting the Italian Prime Minister once.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Berlusconi is clearly bullshitting.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11"Yeah, Clooney was there, Ian Holloway.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14"De blue one from Avatar...
0:05:16 > 0:05:18"and de President of Russia."
0:05:18 > 0:05:21"Vladimir Putin?" "No! Dis guy."
0:05:25 > 0:05:26Elsewhere in the world of politics...
0:05:26 > 0:05:29have you heard the latest news about the Liberals?
0:05:29 > 0:05:34A company in Suffolk have planned a musical about Nick Clegg.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Apparently they're going to call it Clegg The Musical.
0:05:37 > 0:05:42Surely they should have gone for Nick And His Amazing Technicolor Bullshit.
0:05:42 > 0:05:47I was so excited by this, I couldn't wait, so I've decided to write my own version.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:22 > 0:06:25There's been ghoulish goings-on in the West Midlands.
0:06:25 > 0:06:31A cupboard door mysteriously opens of its on accord.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Is someone behind it playing tricks?
0:06:33 > 0:06:39Not so, according to a family in Coventry, who claim something is haunting their home.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42There's a ghost in Coventry?
0:06:42 > 0:06:43(What has he been doing?)
0:06:43 > 0:06:47The room is quiet and motionless.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51But then, suddenly disturbed by a moving pink chair.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Is this family being visited by a poltergeist?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59No.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Someone is moving a chair with string.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Either that or you've got a ghost that's into feng shui.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07He's hardly scary.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10A moving pink chair coming out of the closet.
0:07:10 > 0:07:16I bet that ghost doesn't go, "Wooo!" he goes, "Oooooh."
0:07:16 > 0:07:21It isn't just the chair. Look what else this evil spirit has done.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25The light came on, or switched off - one or the other,
0:07:25 > 0:07:30and I went to the kitchen to try to turn the light back off.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33I think it must have turned it back on.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37As I touched the kitchen light all you heard was a bang
0:07:37 > 0:07:40and the whole house electrics have gone off.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42That's a power cut!
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Unbelievably this isn't the only ghost story from Coventry.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50There was another one in the news this week.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53But he doesn't move furniture. He's got a bit of a temper.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Casper's gone bad.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06I know we shouldn't laugh but look where she claims the ghost is stalking her.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15The ghosts follow her to Asda.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17It's like something out of Chat magazine.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21"I reached in the freezer, suddenly I were cold all over,
0:08:21 > 0:08:27"then a voice from nowhere went, "Supervisor to checkout three, please."
0:08:27 > 0:08:29"I looked around, no-one there.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31"Ghosts."
0:08:31 > 0:08:34What I want to know is why is a ghost attacking a woman from Coventry?
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Surely if you could punch anyone you would choose this guy.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:08:46 > 0:08:51Why be so violent? If I was an invisible ghost I wouldn't hit people, I would have fun.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52I would go to a zoo.
0:08:52 > 0:08:57I would pick up a penguin and make him look like he was flying,
0:08:57 > 0:09:00just to see all the other penguins going, "What the fu...
0:09:00 > 0:09:03"How are you doing that?"
0:09:06 > 0:09:09"It's a miracle."
0:09:09 > 0:09:15Let's be honest, a violent ghost would be terrifying, but it would definitely have improved this film.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19MUSIC: "Unchained Melody" by The Righteous Brothers
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Elsewhere...
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- LAUGHTER - Thanks very much.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44APPLAUSE
0:09:46 > 0:09:49"There is nothing quite like a lady getting hit."
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Elsewhere in the news, scientists have finally discovered the secret of love.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59A 21st century matchmaker promises singles they can find
0:09:59 > 0:10:03someone compatible simply by matching their faces to others.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07This is the news that apparently you're attracted to people that look like you.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Shit!
0:10:10 > 0:10:13That doesn't bode well for me....
0:10:16 > 0:10:18APPLAUSE
0:10:22 > 0:10:25My girlfriend actually calls me Shirley,
0:10:25 > 0:10:28but that's another story.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31If scientists are right, it explains why these two are so close.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37It's bollocks. I don't want to go out with someone that looks like me.
0:10:37 > 0:10:42I've got a lazy eye. We'd spend eternity unable to make eye contact.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Our children would look like this.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53If I banged an animal.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00The big sports story of the week had to be this.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02The Football Association has upheld
0:11:02 > 0:11:03Wayne Rooney's two-match ban
0:11:03 > 0:11:06for swearing into a TV camera.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Nobody cares.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13A footballer swore? Next you'll be telling me Jordan isn't a virgin.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15What do they expect, it's Rooney.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18He's hardly going to turn into Stephen Fry after scoring.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21"Got the ball here. Come on, lad, you can do it. It's a goal!
0:11:21 > 0:11:26"My goodness, that ball flew into the net like a glorious falcon.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30"Look to me, chaps, for my foot is more powerful than Thor's hammer.
0:11:30 > 0:11:36"Let's finish these rapscallions off and head back to mine for jam sandwiches and ginger beer."
0:11:36 > 0:11:38"Are you all right, Wayne?"
0:11:38 > 0:11:42"I don't know. I came over weird when I scored that fucking goal."
0:11:42 > 0:11:48You get these hysterical parents, "He swore, now the children will swear." Calm down.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50They haven't copied him in the past.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54"Where are you going?" "Mother, I'm off granny-banging.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58"If it's good enough for Rooney, it's good enough for me.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01"Now fetch my Shrek mask."
0:12:03 > 0:12:07That isn't the only football story this week. Look what Mohammed Al Fayed has done.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10As Fulham football fans arrived at the front
0:12:10 > 0:12:13of Craven Cottage stadium on Sunday for a league match,
0:12:13 > 0:12:17a controversial statue of the pop legend Michael Jackson was being unveiled at the back.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Have you seen it?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24It looks like something you'd get with a Happy Meal.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27Obviously the fans hate it.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Cue excellent reaction from Al Fayed.
0:12:30 > 0:12:35If some stupid fans don't understand and appreciate
0:12:35 > 0:12:38such a gift this guy give to the world,
0:12:38 > 0:12:39they can just go to hell.
0:12:39 > 0:12:45That's a bit harsh. Imagine being in hell stood next to some bloke, "What are you here for?"
0:12:45 > 0:12:47"I ate a baby, you?"
0:12:47 > 0:12:50"I didn't like a statue.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54"I thought it looked like goat's cheese over a sex doll."
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Fulham must be the least family friendly club in the league.
0:12:58 > 0:13:04They are called the Cottagers and now they've got a statue of a suspected paedo.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06What does their mascot look like, this?
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Peculiar news from around the globe.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Let's start with a strange new law in Malawi.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Farting in public is apparently such a big problem in Malawi,
0:13:24 > 0:13:28officials want it to be made a criminal offence.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31TRANSLATION: We can't allow that. We all fart.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35Where do you think we could go and fart? It is no issue to debate upon.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39Exactly! You can't ban farting. Sometimes you can't help it.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43If my dad lifts something heavy, he will guff like a fat horse.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46This is going to change the Comic Relief videos.
0:13:46 > 0:13:51Just £5 a month can help Bwembe go to Europe so he can drop his guts.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Loads of blokes hanging their arse over the border.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Argh! Thanks, Lenny Henry.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02As you can imagine, the people of Malawi are not taking this sitting down.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06TRANSLATION: We all fart in public, it will be difficult to tell who's done it.
0:14:06 > 0:14:11Some do it silently. In some cases it's like tear gas that goes sssh.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Sssshhhh!
0:14:14 > 0:14:19If my arse made that noise, I would be down the library freaking people out.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23That librarian keeps telling me to be quiet and he fucking stinks!
0:14:23 > 0:14:29From Malawi to Australia and a novel way to boost the population.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Two of Australia's biggest IVF clinics
0:14:31 > 0:14:34have launched an online advertising campaign
0:14:34 > 0:14:36to encourage more men to become sperm donors.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39They've done so in typically Aussie fashion.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48I love the fact you can only see one of his hands.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Have you been to Australia? All their ads are like that, ridiculously blunt.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Socks, your ankles fucking love 'em!
0:14:56 > 0:14:59McDonalds... # Da di di da. # Eat it, you dick.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03I bet you money the blood bank hit back.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Hey, that's right. That's right.
0:15:12 > 0:15:17Staying down under. Here's a headline I never thought I'd see.
0:15:21 > 0:15:28A bloke from Melbourne has been attaching a parrot to his windscreen wipers and taking him for a drive.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- Do you want to see the parrot in action?- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:15:31 > 0:15:34One of the videos was shot in a Melbourne back street.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39Go, Angus! Good boy, mate!
0:15:39 > 0:15:42"I love it out here.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45"The wind blowing through my feathers.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49"You know, I don't think I've ever been happier."
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Another, this one at around 100 kilometres an hour
0:15:52 > 0:15:54in the breakdown lane of a busy Melbourne freeway.
0:15:54 > 0:16:01"FUCK! Stop the car! Stop the fucking car!"
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Poor parrot.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07"Who's a pretty boy then?"
0:16:07 > 0:16:10"Not me, I've got flies in my teeth.
0:16:10 > 0:16:16"Beak, not teeth. I haven't actually got any teeth.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19"I'm a parrot.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23"I'd do the next joke if I were you, Russ, you look like a dick on national telly."
0:16:23 > 0:16:25The bloke is a absolute moron.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Look what he gets angry about.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29I am sick of people looking at me and laughing
0:16:29 > 0:16:31as I'm driving down the street.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Well, don't Sellotape a parrot to your car then.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38As you can imagine, the authorities want this to stop.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- And you're telling people it will stop?- No,
0:16:40 > 0:16:42I'm not going to say it'll stop, I'll think about it.
0:16:42 > 0:16:47"Yeah, I am going to think about it, but in fairness I said I would think about going to the dentist."
0:16:49 > 0:16:54To be honest, the parrot should count himself lucky, there are worse cars to be attached to.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57# It's Friday, Friday... #
0:16:57 > 0:17:00APPLAUSE
0:17:00 > 0:17:03DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:17:03 > 0:17:05MOUTHS
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Time for the mystery guest and, yes, you are right,
0:17:18 > 0:17:21I did get beaten up by an old lady last week. Ha-ha(!)
0:17:21 > 0:17:25This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29There'll be a mystery guest from the news. I have to figure out who that person is.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Please welcome my mystery guest.
0:17:44 > 0:17:50- Hello. Nice to meet you. I am Russ. - Jammie.- Jammie? Nice to meet you.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Please tell me your surname is Dodger and we will go.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57- I am guessing scientist. - You're wrong.- I'm wrong?
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- Why have you got all this stuff then?- I was given it.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- You were given it.- By them.- By them?
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- This isn't your stuff? - No, none of it is my stuff.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08This isn't fair, so they dressed you up to look like a scientist.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- What do you do, a matador or something?- No.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14It's something to do with potions, do you make potions?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Not potions. No.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20- But I'm close?- Close. - Do you make...perfume?
0:18:20 > 0:18:25- Do you make perfume?- I make perfume, yeah.- What's your scent? Are you Calvin Klein?
0:18:25 > 0:18:26No.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30- That would have been great.- Yeah. - So you make perfume?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Is that why you have been in the news this week?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- Yes, it is.- For making perfume?- Yeah.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39A perfume called Surplus or "Sur-ploo" if you are French.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43- Surplus, OK...- It's made from the excesses of the body.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44From the excesses of the body?
0:18:44 > 0:18:48- AUDIENCE GROANS - Well...doesn't sound like
0:18:48 > 0:18:50a massive seller. Um...
0:18:50 > 0:18:52You are telling me you make poo perfume?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- Yeah.- You do? You make perfume from...- Well, it's not just from...
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- It's not just from poo? - It's also from urine and hair.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02Oh, I apologise. So it's poo perfume and wee and hair?
0:19:02 > 0:19:06- Mm-hm. Do you want to try it?- No.- No?
0:19:06 > 0:19:12You know, I have a selection of people here. I will sniff it, yeah.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- Cool.- OK.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16GROANING
0:19:17 > 0:19:18LAUGHTER
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Smells all right, actually. It doesn't really smell...
0:19:21 > 0:19:24I need someone to verify it doesn't smell like...
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Are you up for it?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Fancy a bit of poo?
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Give us a whiff and shout out what that smells like, madam.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35I think it smells like my nan.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Smells like your nan?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41- APPLAUSE - Wouldn't that be...?
0:19:44 > 0:19:48That would be the best advert for perfume.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Generally it's sexy French models going like that,
0:19:50 > 0:19:52it's just your nan going, "I stink."
0:19:54 > 0:19:59So how much poo does it take to make one pot of this?
0:19:59 > 0:20:04In total I made about seven litres of liquid. That's including...
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Do you live alone?
0:20:06 > 0:20:08At the time I was.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- You'd get a waft.- At the time, my girlfriend was in New York. - She was in New York.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15- Did she have any idea you were doing this?- No.- Excellent.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17"What you doing?" "Nothing, this and that."
0:20:17 > 0:20:19HE STRAINS
0:20:19 > 0:20:26Explain to me the process from poo to perfume, how does that happen?
0:20:26 > 0:20:29That doesn't look or smell like poo.
0:20:29 > 0:20:35The simplest way of kind of putting it together would be
0:20:35 > 0:20:39that in faeces there is a molecule called skatole which is the smell.
0:20:39 > 0:20:46It's the same molecule that makes white flowers smell - like orange blossoms, junipers, jasmines -
0:20:46 > 0:20:51it's just in different percentages so in faeces it's like 30%, in white flowers it's about 5%.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54So I extracted that through steam distillation process,
0:20:54 > 0:21:00which is the traditional method of extracting oils and essential oils from any material
0:21:00 > 0:21:05and diluted it down into a more pleasant smell, rather than...
0:21:05 > 0:21:06How did you learn all this?
0:21:06 > 0:21:10Research and speaking to perfumers and scientists
0:21:10 > 0:21:13and experimenting with nose pegs.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Flipping heck, man!
0:21:15 > 0:21:18I think you may need a bit of help. I like you,
0:21:18 > 0:21:24but that is, you know... Isn't it interesting? Because you are wearing a white coat
0:21:24 > 0:21:28and glasses and you have an air of intelligence about you,
0:21:28 > 0:21:31we go, "Very interesting." If you said that to me on a park bench,
0:21:33 > 0:21:35I'd run away. Now I am going, "How very clever!"
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- Isn't that weird?- Thank you. - Lovely to meet you,
0:21:38 > 0:21:42what a bizarre thing! Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for my mystery guest.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:21:47 > 0:21:51Now, remember last week, we found the house that looked like Hitler.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52Get ready for this.
0:21:56 > 0:22:01They found an insect that looks like Elvis and when you see it, it's going to blow your mind.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08Truly remarkable. It's like he is in the room!
0:22:08 > 0:22:12In fairness, most insects look like people. Some look like sportsmen.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Some look like rappers.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21And some look like evil dictators.
0:22:25 > 0:22:30This next story is great. Here's a sentence you don't hear very often.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33A fireman from Hull has been described as a hero
0:22:33 > 0:22:36after giving the kiss of life to a pet dog.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40Hero?! Imagine him with the other firemen.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42"Just put out a fire, you?"
0:22:42 > 0:22:43"I tongued a Labrador."
0:22:43 > 0:22:47Did you see how long he worked on the dog?
0:22:47 > 0:22:52It was such a rewarding thing to see, the way the fireman was...
0:22:52 > 0:22:55He must have been 30 minutes working on the dog.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57"30 minutes, it were beautiful.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01"The dog came around after two, but he wanted to be sure.
0:23:01 > 0:23:07"He was so dedicated, it were 20 minutes before they told him he'd got the wrong end."
0:23:09 > 0:23:14My favourite part of the report has to be the reaction of the dog's owner.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18I don't think I could have done what he did myself, to my own dog.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20We knew what her breath was like.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25"I'd have let her die, she fucking stinks!"
0:23:25 > 0:23:31Moving away from doggy snogging, meet Bob, he has an unusual hobby.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34My name is Bob Gibbons,
0:23:34 > 0:23:40I am 60 years of age and I have the world's biggest collection of love dolls.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42200 plus.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45200 love dolls!
0:23:45 > 0:23:46How creepy is that?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Do you reckon he put them on his census form?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51"Who lives here?"
0:23:51 > 0:23:58"Well, I got Dirty Sue, Busty Brenda, Filthy Maureen.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00"And my wife...
0:24:05 > 0:24:08"..with her talking and her breathing."
0:24:11 > 0:24:15You probably think he keeps them locked away in a shed. Oh, no.
0:24:15 > 0:24:20We have them around the house, in the house, in the bedroom.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22We have them in the front rooms.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25It's like some kind of budget Playboy mansion.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28I bet that's the only house where Jehovah's Witnesses go,
0:24:28 > 0:24:31"Nah, we'll come back later."
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Christ, I've only just seen them bastards.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Bizarrely, his relationship isn't sexual.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43OK.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47Let's take you on a shopping trip, maybe we will buy something.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50That's right, he is taking a sex doll to Tesco.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55I have got you something really nice.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57"Is it a drawing pin
0:24:57 > 0:25:01"so I can end my misery?"
0:25:01 > 0:25:05The strangest part of this story, look how much he spent on his hobby.
0:25:05 > 0:25:10Probably within £60,000 - £80,000 on actual dolls.
0:25:10 > 0:25:1580 grand?! If you like plastic women with dead eyes, you should just go on this.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Time for the good news story.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31This is a moving report about Harvey Phillips who lost three limbs to meningitis as a baby
0:25:31 > 0:25:33and he's finally taken his first steps.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Diagnosed with meningitis as a baby, Harvey Phillips had both legs
0:25:44 > 0:25:47and part of his arms amputated to save his life.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Ever since, six-year-old Harvey has spent his life
0:25:50 > 0:25:52trying to be just like his friends.
0:25:52 > 0:25:57Fitted for the first time with fully-moving mechanical legs he is setting out on a long road
0:25:57 > 0:26:02to learn how to walk with the help of specialists at the Northern General Hospital in Sheffield
0:26:02 > 0:26:07and with his usual determination he says he can do it in a week.
0:26:07 > 0:26:12It's Harvey, if he wants it, he will do it, basically.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14He's impressing us all.
0:26:14 > 0:26:20With Harvey wanting "bendy legs" as he called it, we have just gone along
0:26:20 > 0:26:26and he has seen other kids with bendy legs, he wants them.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28It's just Harvey who has pushed and pushed.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Did you ever envisage you would see him walk like this?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Not at all.
0:26:46 > 0:26:52Next on his list, perfecting his moves so he can play his favourite sport - football.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55That's what he wants to do in the long run.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00With his new legs, it brings him up to the same height as other kids at school,
0:27:00 > 0:27:03which is a big bonus for Harvey, as well.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05It's looking good.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:12 > 0:27:14What a lovely little fella!
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Hope you enjoyed it.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Saturday night, which means it's time for my stand-up guest.
0:27:24 > 0:27:25Oh, you're going to love this bloke.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the wonderful Tony Law.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31APPLAUSE
0:27:35 > 0:27:38All right! Yeah!
0:27:38 > 0:27:40YEAH!
0:27:40 > 0:27:41- AUDIENCE:- Yeah!
0:27:41 > 0:27:42Yeah!
0:27:42 > 0:27:48Just in case you're wondering, I am wearing a special suit,
0:27:48 > 0:27:54made of Kevlar. I don't know if you've noticed. It was designed for me by a team of scientists.
0:27:54 > 0:28:00What this suit does is it soaks up any negative thoughts you might be having...
0:28:00 > 0:28:08and shoots them down my left leg where they'll end up in Liverpool at 2am and violence will ensue.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11So don't be there then.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Tricky to get there in that time.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17When the team of scientists approached me to wear the suit,
0:28:17 > 0:28:19I won't lie to you, I was pretty excited.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23I thought, "Finally, clothes won't get in the way of my art."
0:28:23 > 0:28:26What if I wore a shirt? "Oh, I love to listen to Tony's art,
0:28:26 > 0:28:29"but I can't get past that cowboy-shirt choice."
0:28:29 > 0:28:34What if I wore jeans that were too tight and I bent over too quickly and made you feel a bit sick?
0:28:34 > 0:28:38I wouldn't have wanted that. I wanted something neutral.
0:28:38 > 0:28:42Something that didn't draw any attention to itself.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46And I think it's worked out pretty good with the suit.
0:28:46 > 0:28:50It's called a unitard. Yeah. Yeah.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52My two favourite words all in one.
0:28:54 > 0:29:01OK. GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN!
0:29:01 > 0:29:07GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN!
0:29:07 > 0:29:13Gok Wan! GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN!
0:29:13 > 0:29:17GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN!
0:29:17 > 0:29:19He's not going to say Gok Wan over and over, is he?
0:29:19 > 0:29:23GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN!
0:29:23 > 0:29:26GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN! GOK WAN!
0:29:26 > 0:29:28No, Gok!
0:29:28 > 0:29:29You lost!
0:29:29 > 0:29:30You see...
0:29:30 > 0:29:33APPLAUSE
0:29:38 > 0:29:43I used to play badminton with Gok Wan in the late '90s. That's how he lost all the weight.
0:29:43 > 0:29:44You're welcome, ladies.
0:29:46 > 0:29:50That's a brand-new bit. I wrote that on the way here.
0:29:50 > 0:29:54I took the Tube and I slept most of the way
0:29:54 > 0:29:59so I didn't have a lot of time to spend on it. Basically it just said, "GOK WAN! See what happens."
0:29:59 > 0:30:02And there we have it.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05You know what, after people have seen me do stand-up comedy,
0:30:05 > 0:30:09usually, the first thing they say is, "Tony, you don't know how to do it right."
0:30:09 > 0:30:12But the second thing...
0:30:12 > 0:30:18they often say to me is, "Tony, have you got any ideas of anything else you'd like to do?"
0:30:18 > 0:30:22That was the money shot.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right.
0:30:26 > 0:30:33I don't care, cos I've written a motion-picture film, and it's already been picked up in Hollywood.
0:30:33 > 0:30:36This is my last-ever gig so you're welcome.
0:30:36 > 0:30:40I thought... It was in the diary, so I thought, "I'll do it."
0:30:40 > 0:30:45I'm just going to read you a bit from my movie. It's pretty mainstream stuff.
0:30:45 > 0:30:47I think it's going to go down pretty great.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50I'll just do you a little clip from it. OK, OK, here we go.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53It's pretty powerful, you know. It's powerful stuff.
0:30:53 > 0:30:55OK.
0:30:56 > 0:30:58"Who are you?
0:30:58 > 0:31:02"Wrong question. You should be asking...
0:31:04 > 0:31:06"..why am I?
0:31:06 > 0:31:10"All right, then. Why am I?
0:31:10 > 0:31:14- "No, no. You're supposed to ask why am- I?
0:31:14 > 0:31:16"You've asked, 'Why are you?'
0:31:16 > 0:31:19"Oh, right, sorry, sorry. Got confused.
0:31:21 > 0:31:22"You sure this is written down?
0:31:22 > 0:31:25"Yeah. This is how the script's supposed to go.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27"What, even all this conversation right now?
0:31:27 > 0:31:29"Yeah, it's all in it.
0:31:29 > 0:31:31"You know what threw me out?
0:31:31 > 0:31:32"What?
0:31:32 > 0:31:34"Our voices are exactly the same.
0:31:34 > 0:31:38"Yeah, I found that a problem, but that's how they cast it.
0:31:38 > 0:31:40"Yeah, OK, let's get started.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42"Who are you?
0:31:42 > 0:31:46"Wrong question. You should be asking when am I?
0:31:49 > 0:31:53"Sorry, fucked up. Cos you made the mistake.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55"Yeah. That can happen.
0:31:55 > 0:31:59"Feels like they're trying to pad this film out with a lot of dialogue
0:31:59 > 0:32:00"when there should be some action.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02"Yeah, you're right about that.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04"You know what it feels like more to me?
0:32:04 > 0:32:05"What's that?
0:32:05 > 0:32:10"It feels like Tony's doing an improvised bit that has no real ending or way out of.
0:32:10 > 0:32:14"Yeah, that's definitely it. He was just hoping for a big laugh to pull out of it.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17"Well, he had it about 12 seconds ago and he's missed it.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20"There's a good one. He should have got out on that one.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23"Ooh, that was a big one. Pull out of the bit! Pull out of the bit!
0:32:23 > 0:32:24"No way. There's more in them.
0:32:24 > 0:32:29"You're standing up there, pulling the handle on the slot machine. You just want to get more.
0:32:29 > 0:32:30"He should have pulled out.
0:32:30 > 0:32:33"What? I told you. There's no more laughs.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36"There's one.
0:32:36 > 0:32:38"It's gone. It's back.
0:32:38 > 0:32:40"Now it's only at the back. They're laughing a bit.
0:32:40 > 0:32:42"Down at the front, nothing.
0:32:44 > 0:32:46"Pull out of the bit! Pull out of the bit!"
0:32:46 > 0:32:48I'm going to pull out of the bit now.
0:32:48 > 0:32:51But, boy, what a day I've been having today!
0:32:51 > 0:32:54All right, clearly, that's a lie,
0:32:54 > 0:32:56but it was true once,
0:32:56 > 0:33:01and what's wrong with that as a way of getting into your next bit of stand-up comedy?
0:33:01 > 0:33:05So let's all use the power of our imaginations
0:33:05 > 0:33:08and travel back through time and space
0:33:08 > 0:33:11to the day when this was true
0:33:11 > 0:33:14and significant enough for me to remember it to tell it back to you,
0:33:14 > 0:33:17strangers in a room.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20Doo-dle oodle-oodle oo!
0:33:20 > 0:33:21It was nine months ago.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23Tony, that was too far back.
0:33:23 > 0:33:24Try harder!
0:33:24 > 0:33:28Doo-dle oodle-oodle oo! In a place called North London.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30We can't imagine such a place.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33Doo-dle oodle-oodle oo!
0:33:33 > 0:33:34And it was a hot day. You remember it.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37It was the day we called summer.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40Doo-dle oodle-oodle oo!
0:33:40 > 0:33:43And I'm pushing my pram along to get on a bus.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46And I'm pushing my pram along to get on a bus.
0:33:46 > 0:33:50I wasn't doing all the footwork. I was pushing my pram along.
0:33:50 > 0:33:56OK, this seems a bit big for a pram, but I am holding a microphone.
0:33:56 > 0:34:01Actually, you don't know from the information I've given you, maybe I need a pram this big.
0:34:01 > 0:34:05Maybe I've got a weird, giant baby in it.
0:34:05 > 0:34:11In fact, if you've got a baby that big, you don't have to put "weird" in that sentence. That's a given.
0:34:11 > 0:34:15You'd go, "Oh, God. Look. at that baby. I feel sick, it's so big."
0:34:15 > 0:34:18"Yeah, it's weird." "Why did you add that in?"
0:34:18 > 0:34:23You don't know. Maybe it's my pram. Maybe it's a "man pram".
0:34:23 > 0:34:25I'm sick of turning up at places with nowhere to sit.
0:34:25 > 0:34:30"Hey, Tony, welcome to the barbecue. We're sitting on the grass, chilling out."
0:34:30 > 0:34:32"Yeah? Not me. I'm getting into my man pram."
0:34:34 > 0:34:37"You want some chicken?" "I'll take some of your tiny chicken.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42"It's tiny like a pigeon. I'm a giant."
0:34:42 > 0:34:45"Tony, you're only sitting far away. You haven't become bigger."
0:34:45 > 0:34:48"You be quite with your perspective."
0:34:48 > 0:34:52There's a normal-sized and there's two twins in there.
0:34:52 > 0:34:55Fuck off. One set of twins...
0:34:55 > 0:34:58Oh, language, you beast!
0:34:58 > 0:35:03..one set of twins and they've both gone to sleep at the same time.
0:35:03 > 0:35:06Anyone who knows anything about one baby going to sleep, it's always haaa!
0:35:06 > 0:35:08But two of the little...
0:35:08 > 0:35:09treasures,
0:35:09 > 0:35:12it's a miracle, especially on my watch.
0:35:12 > 0:35:16I think the heat was working in my favour that day.
0:35:16 > 0:35:22So there I was with two, dehydrated, passed-out one-and-a-half-year-old twins.
0:35:22 > 0:35:26And I'm tired and I'm hot and I'm pushing it along the bus.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28I got a bit of speed going and bumped into someone.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31Total accident.
0:35:31 > 0:35:34But because of the part of the world I was in, I expected it to go one way.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36Bumped into him, "Oh, God, sorry."
0:35:36 > 0:35:39I thought it'd be, like, "No, no. It's OK. It's hot out there.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41"What have you got there? Twins? Double trouble?
0:35:41 > 0:35:45"Boy and girl. Get it over with all in one go.
0:35:45 > 0:35:47"Fantastic, brilliant."
0:35:47 > 0:35:51"Ooh, it's hot. Have my seat."
0:35:51 > 0:35:54Something like that. That's how I imagined it to go.
0:35:54 > 0:35:57But, no, it didn't go down that way at all.
0:35:57 > 0:36:01I bumped into them and they used on me what I think is the greatest put-down in all of language.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04You can't come back to it. It's perfect.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06I bumped into them and they turned and went...
0:36:06 > 0:36:08HE SUCKS HIS TEETH
0:36:08 > 0:36:10Only they did it correctly, you know the one.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13HE SUCKS HIS TEETH
0:36:13 > 0:36:15I hate that one.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17You can't come back to it.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20You can't come back to it, cos if you're, like,
0:36:20 > 0:36:23"Oh, fuck off, you dickhead. It was a total accident. Fuck you,"
0:36:23 > 0:36:27they've only done a sound, you've done all that swearing.
0:36:27 > 0:36:31What an arrogant prick! I've got to do something, say something.
0:36:31 > 0:36:35No, you can't do anything, Tony. You're a mature man now. You've got two children.
0:36:35 > 0:36:39You've got to leave it alone.
0:36:39 > 0:36:44You've got to do nothing in exactly the same way you would have done before you had children
0:36:44 > 0:36:45due to cowardice.
0:36:45 > 0:36:48Just let it go and I thought, "No, I've got to do something.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51"This is what all my training has been about."
0:36:51 > 0:36:5512 years as a stand-up comedian. Doesn't seem like it, but sometimes...
0:36:55 > 0:36:58Dig deep in your toolbox, Tony.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01You've done those gigs when it's mainly stag and hen dos.
0:37:01 > 0:37:05Admittedly, you come off second best every time, but the other comedians do it.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07You must have learned something.
0:37:07 > 0:37:10Come on, Tony. Dig deep. You've opened for strippers before.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13You're against that ethically, but, damn it, you needed the money.
0:37:13 > 0:37:18Dig deep, you're doing a cruise. It was a ferry.
0:37:19 > 0:37:23Then the idea came to me. Rarely in life do you get an idea that good.
0:37:23 > 0:37:26It just popped out of my head and hovered above me
0:37:26 > 0:37:30and looked down and reassured me. It went, "Hey, Tony,
0:37:30 > 0:37:33"everything's going to be A-OK."
0:37:33 > 0:37:37"Are you sure?" "Oh, yeah. I'm the best idea you've ever had.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40"It's going to go very well for you.
0:37:40 > 0:37:43"Everyone on this bus is going to cheer you off the bus.
0:37:43 > 0:37:47"There's going to be a standing ovation and a parade."
0:37:47 > 0:37:50HE HUMS "ENTRANCE OF THE GLADIATORS"
0:37:50 > 0:37:52Wrong music.
0:37:52 > 0:37:55Shut up. There was no time to book it.
0:37:56 > 0:37:59"You wouldn't be on an elephant." "Good point. I'll stop my whining."
0:38:01 > 0:38:02Then the idea popped back into my head.
0:38:02 > 0:38:08I was so filled with confidence and I thought, "You've fucked with the wrong guy today.
0:38:08 > 0:38:14"I've just invented a new cultural put-down that's going to be used throughout the ages
0:38:14 > 0:38:17"and it's happening to you right now."
0:38:17 > 0:38:23Then I had to make eye contact with him, which was very hard to do, cos he was very arrogant indeed.
0:38:28 > 0:38:33"I don't want you to miss a thing, cos this is happening right now."
0:38:34 > 0:38:37And then I forgot the idea.
0:38:37 > 0:38:39As easily as it had come to me, it had gone.
0:38:39 > 0:38:42I thought, "Think of something, Tony. Do anything.
0:38:42 > 0:38:45"You've got eye contact. Don't let him get away with it."
0:38:45 > 0:38:48Then I looked down and my son was looking up at me with doughy eyes.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51We'd done some baking that day.
0:38:52 > 0:38:57No, I've got nothing, just back out of it. Back out of it.
0:38:57 > 0:39:01Then, do it, do it.
0:39:02 > 0:39:04HE BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:39:06 > 0:39:09Everyone on the bus was embarrassed. They were moving upstairs.
0:39:10 > 0:39:12Even he was moving upstairs.
0:39:13 > 0:39:15I thought if I did it longer...
0:39:15 > 0:39:18or try to jazz it up a bit.
0:39:24 > 0:39:26HE IMITATES A PLANE
0:39:30 > 0:39:33We got bogies 12 o'clock. Here comes jerry.
0:39:34 > 0:39:38HE IMITATES GERMAN LANGUAGE
0:39:42 > 0:39:46Bomber command. Bomber command. This is your upper-middle-class pilot speaking.
0:39:46 > 0:39:51This is the only way I can fly this plane in this day and age, what, with the class system and all.
0:39:53 > 0:39:57He's fucking right. I'm the rear gunner. I'm 5ft 2 and I'm malnourished.
0:39:57 > 0:40:01I'm the only one who can fit in this tiny fucking compartment.
0:40:02 > 0:40:05We're getting a lovely cross-section of the war effort here.
0:40:06 > 0:40:10I'm the bomb aimer and normally I can do this accent better,
0:40:10 > 0:40:13but I'm all bent over and my throat's all jammed up.
0:40:15 > 0:40:19I've been hit. I've been hit. Everyone around me has been incinerated and they've all died,
0:40:19 > 0:40:23which is lucky. Now the narrative is much easier to follow. It's one character.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25I'm parachuting over Northern France.
0:40:25 > 0:40:30I hope I land safely in that farmer's field and he's connected to the French Resistance.
0:40:32 > 0:40:37Allo, I'm with the French Resistance.
0:40:37 > 0:40:39This is my farm. That's lucky for you.
0:40:39 > 0:40:41Yes, I'd say so.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44Maybe you'd like some cake in the morning. Why not? It's OK.
0:40:44 > 0:40:48Yes. It's a bit random, but OK.
0:40:48 > 0:40:51Yes, that accent's really terrible.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53I have to think they're all bad.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55No, no. You weren't there.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00So, then I got off the bus...
0:41:01 > 0:41:04APPLAUSE
0:41:04 > 0:41:06..and...
0:41:11 > 0:41:15That's some sort of record for the longest get-off-the-bus joke.
0:41:17 > 0:41:20You've been very kind. Thank you very much indeed.
0:41:22 > 0:41:27Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Tony Law.
0:41:45 > 0:41:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd