0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:20 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
0:00:24 > 0:00:28Oh! Oh! Thank you very much.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Thank you very much indeed.
0:00:31 > 0:00:32Hello, and welcome to Good News.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34So what have we learned this week?
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Well, Rob Smith can't work out if he's still a virgin.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Does a horse count? I'm not sure.
0:00:42 > 0:00:48Over at BBC Breakfast, Helen Mirren revealed what she said when she met Justin Bieber.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49You little shit.
0:00:51 > 0:00:56Got knows what Carol Kirkwood did to Bryan Adams!
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Have you ever waved at Phil Collins in traffic?
0:00:58 > 0:01:01No, but I have done lot more than that to Bryan Adams.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07I'm pretty sure Sian Williams doesn't know what teabagging is.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Why would you want to smell like a tea bag?
0:01:13 > 0:01:17And finally, I think this guy's in love with David Cameron.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20It's a system so unfair, that the candidates...
0:01:20 > 0:01:26# I want to know what love is
0:01:26 > 0:01:31# I want you to show me
0:01:31 > 0:01:35# I want to feel what love is... #
0:01:38 > 0:01:44So the royal wedding is in two weeks. The media coverage has been relentless.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47The most anticipated wedding is only about three weeks away.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- Two weeks away.- 12 days to go.
0:01:50 > 0:01:517,000 journalists.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Two billion people watching...
0:01:53 > 0:01:54On April 29th.
0:01:54 > 0:01:59Even schools are obsessed! They have been having pretend weddings(!)
0:01:59 > 0:02:04A mock wedding was held in the village of Alton, but it didn't exactly stick to royal protocol.
0:02:04 > 0:02:10Instead, the bride was five years old, the groom was nine and the ring-bearer was an owl.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15I think they confused Buckingham Palace with Hogwarts.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17It's pretty cool, though.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Wouldn't it be great if Kate and Wills went for these vows?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24I will always care for you, I will love you forever,
0:02:24 > 0:02:26I promise not to boss you around.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32"And I promise not to steal your Play-Doh!"
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Some of the kids really got into their roles.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Here's Prince Charles - Camilla slams him!
0:02:38 > 0:02:41I always dreaming every night that I'm...
0:02:41 > 0:02:44that I'm going to be king the next day.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46It will be a while till that happens.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50How harsh is that?!
0:02:50 > 0:02:53"I'm going to be King!" "Never going to happen!"
0:02:53 > 0:02:57The media has gone Kate Middleton crazy - "She's beautiful,"
0:02:57 > 0:03:00"She's an angel." The kids, not so sure.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04I think Kate is a beautiful girl, but I don't think she's really my type.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Wouldn't it be great if he interviewed another kid who went, "Kate Middleton? God, no.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12"I like girls with a bit more junk in their trunk.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16"They've got to have that ba-donk-a-donk going on, do you know what I mean?
0:03:16 > 0:03:21"In fact, if Beyonce is watching, tell her I'm ready for that jelly.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24"I've got a spoon."
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Back to the proper wedding - that was a bit sinister, wasn't it? -
0:03:27 > 0:03:31back to the proper wedding, have you seen who is going?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34The invitations have begun arriving on doormats.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37People in Britain and abroad, including David and Victoria Beckham.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40I'd love to see Beckham around the royals.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42They'd have nothing in common!
0:03:42 > 0:03:47Him just stood next to the Queen - "Um... Uh...
0:03:47 > 0:03:54"Um..." "Um..."
0:03:54 > 0:04:02"When you sing the National Anthem, do you sing, 'God save me?'"
0:04:03 > 0:04:07Imagine Victoria meeting Prince Philip. "Hello, I'm Posh."
0:04:07 > 0:04:10"Not here, you're not!
0:04:10 > 0:04:12"I'm going to give you a new nickname.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15"From now on, you're Princess Poundland!"
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Mind you, Posh and Becks are going to have fun. The reception sounds amazing.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22William and Kate are said to be planning to erect a nightclub
0:04:22 > 0:04:26inside Buckingham Palace for a royal knees-up following the ceremony.
0:04:26 > 0:04:31Please, please, let the Queen DJ, wouldn't that be amazing?
0:04:31 > 0:04:36"E to the L to the I to the Z, Windsor massive, shake your booty!"
0:04:36 > 0:04:41It doesn't matter what music they play, we all know this guy will get his grind on.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44And it goes a little something like this...
0:04:44 > 0:04:48MUSIC: "It's Like That" by RUN DMC
0:04:48 > 0:04:52# ..People coming, people going People born to die
0:04:52 > 0:04:55# It's like that And that's the way it is... #
0:04:59 > 0:05:02The big sporting news of the week was the London Marathon.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Around 35,000 people took part in the London Marathon today.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Did you watch the coverage?
0:05:08 > 0:05:13Some of the reporters were so annoying, the runners simply ignored them.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Let's see if we can get one.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17This is what you do and even in things like this...
0:05:17 > 0:05:20High five for the camera? High five for the camera?
0:05:20 > 0:05:21No.
0:05:21 > 0:05:26I think I speak for the entire nation when I say, "Ahhh!"
0:05:26 > 0:05:31Do you know, a lot of people didn't have sex for a month before the race?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Joe Pasquale obviously not one of them.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37It's great. I actually knocked one out last week.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Imagine the noise Pasquale makes at the point of climax -
0:05:41 > 0:05:43"Eeeee!"
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Dogs all over Britain, "Aahhh!"
0:05:46 > 0:05:51Talking of naughty habits, did you see the signs the marathon organisers put up?
0:05:51 > 0:05:55"Don't wee in people's gardens!"
0:05:55 > 0:05:57My brother got in trouble for doing that last year.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00The odd thing, he wasn't even in the race.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03He just hates gnomes.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Back to the marathon. The media focus on the elite athletes.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Emmanuel Mutai raises his arms and smashes the course record.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14I'd like to focus on the nutters who wore costumes like this.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18I wonder if there is someone inside that thing pushing, or pulling.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- There is someone inside. - I am just wondering...
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I hope he doesn't leave a trail behind him, though.
0:06:23 > 0:06:28"I hope he doesn't leave a trail behind"? He's not Joe Pasquale!
0:06:28 > 0:06:32I watched the whole race. My favourite runner had to be this guy.
0:06:32 > 0:06:38A pensioner from Hornchurch in Essex will be the oldest man taking part in this year's marathon.
0:06:43 > 0:06:48He's 86, and he's brilliant. Check out his number one running tip.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50I get behind a nice bottom.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51You get behind...?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54A nice bottom, and all the aches and pains go.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58Last year it was the nicest bottom I have ever run behind.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Mind you, his plan doesn't always work.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05When I got to the finish, I thought, "I must see what she looks like from the front."
0:07:05 > 0:07:07It was a bloke with a beard!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18"I will never run behind Noel Edmonds again!"
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Now, one of the major stories of the week was this:
0:07:24 > 0:07:27A pub in London is facing allegations of homophobia
0:07:27 > 0:07:31after claims by a gay couple that they were thrown out for kissing.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35Jonathan Williams and James Bull were asked to leave the John Snow pub
0:07:35 > 0:07:39in Soho after a complaint that their behaviour was obscene.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43Obscene? That's ridiculous. How can you throw people out of a pub just for kissing?
0:07:43 > 0:07:48In fact, how can you run a pub in Soho and be offended by a gay kiss?
0:07:48 > 0:07:52It's like being in the BNP and going, "I fucking love Lenny Henry!"
0:07:54 > 0:07:59You always hear bigots going, "Gay men are wrong, it says so in the Bible!"
0:07:59 > 0:08:06Yeah, but the Bible also says hedges can talk and every animal in the world can fit on a boat!
0:08:06 > 0:08:12It's pathetic. Two men kissing isn't an obscene kiss. This is!
0:08:16 > 0:08:20WOLF WHISTLE
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Somebody wolf-whistling over there!
0:08:22 > 0:08:27The brilliant thing about this story, within hours, the pub had to shut because of this protest.
0:08:27 > 0:08:32Around 250 people have gathered here outside the John Snow pub
0:08:32 > 0:08:35to show their support to Jonathan Williams and James Bull.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38We have had no comment from the landlord of the pub this evening.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42The pub itself has been shut for the night, and...
0:08:42 > 0:08:46I love that conga kiss in the background.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48"What, they're on telly? Right now? Whoa-oh!"
0:08:48 > 0:08:53Not everyone was there to protest against homophobia. Some were just looking for a good time.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- I just came to snog people. - You're just here to snog people?
0:08:56 > 0:09:01"I don't care about the issues, I'm just horny!"
0:09:01 > 0:09:04I say good on them for demonstrating against this pub,
0:09:04 > 0:09:08because when the gay community protests, they do it in style.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18There's been some bizarre stories this week.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22First up, there is a terrifying new criminal on the block!
0:09:22 > 0:09:26A Lincoln couple have received a letter from the police
0:09:26 > 0:09:29threatening their unborn baby with an ASBO.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37I know criminals are getting younger, but this is ridiculous.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39What did his baby scan look like, this?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44It's mad, isn't it? A foetus ASBO, what next?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Arresting sperm?
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Police bursting into a house, "Get down!"
0:09:49 > 0:09:53"Damn it, sarge, she swallowed the evidence!"
0:09:53 > 0:09:56"Good girl!"
0:09:56 > 0:09:58This has... Sorry about that.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02This has to be my favourite quote from the story.
0:10:11 > 0:10:16What was he doing, shouting at other pregnant women at a prenatal class?
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Just in the bump, # Who ate all the pies?! Who ate all the pies?!
0:10:20 > 0:10:24# Swollen tummies, you fat mummies You ate all the pies! #
0:10:24 > 0:10:27I tell you what, if they're giving unborn babies ASBOs,
0:10:27 > 0:10:30it's really going to change police line-ups.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35No.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39No.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45That's him.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Little fucker!
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Elsewhere this week, The Walking Dead has been in the news.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55GUNSHOTS
0:10:58 > 0:11:00So it's zombies, blood, that kind of thing.
0:11:00 > 0:11:05The reason it's made the news is because of the location of one of the posters advertising the show.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Here's the poster.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10And here's the business next door.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12That's right.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15They put it next to a funeral director's.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18People are saying it's the worst billboard placement ever.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Rubbish! It's got nothing on this.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Right, on the left, a sign promoting carrot juice,
0:11:23 > 0:11:25and what do they put next to it? This lady.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36That is... That is certainly one way to get your five a day.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40I'm sorry, but this is getting ridiculous! We have had the Hitler house...
0:11:42 > 0:11:43We've had the Elvis bug...
0:11:45 > 0:11:47The rock'n'roll tree...
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Amazingly, the papers have done it again. This week, what have we got?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- Do you want to see it? - AUDIENCE: YES!
0:11:58 > 0:12:00You know you want to!
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Incredible!
0:12:04 > 0:12:08Mind you, if you look hard enough, most food looks like someone.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Some crisps look like Wookiees...
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Some turnips look like singers...
0:12:20 > 0:12:22And if you look hard enough,
0:12:22 > 0:12:26there are even apples that look a little bit like Katie Price.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37Some truly mad crime stories from America this week.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41First up, a report about breaking into the wrong man's house.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45An 81-year-old Korean War vet is fed up with being a victim,
0:12:45 > 0:12:46so he's fighting back.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49The man held off this armed robber with a frying pan.
0:12:49 > 0:12:54An old man beat up a burglar with a frying pan? He's brilliant.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56What about this for a quote?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58..And hit him upside the face.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02And the potatoes went all over him.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07"I hit him upside the face. Potatoes went all over him.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11"By the time I was done with him, he looked like a shepherd's pie!"
0:13:13 > 0:13:17So you're probably thinking after he twatted him, that was the end. Oh, no!
0:13:17 > 0:13:19He wasn't done with the robber after hitting him.
0:13:19 > 0:13:24I reached back about six feet away and got this pitchfork,
0:13:24 > 0:13:26then I went to work on him.
0:13:28 > 0:13:34"I poked him in the groin till his dick looked like a God-damn recorder."
0:13:36 > 0:13:41From a bruiser pensioner to a family under siege.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44They felt like they were being held hostage in their own home
0:13:44 > 0:13:47by a hard-to-believe circumstance.
0:13:47 > 0:13:53The situation ended with police having to defend themselves against an unlikely criminal.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55So who was this unlikely criminal?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Well, listen to the emergency call.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10They were terrorised by a cat!
0:14:10 > 0:14:13How does a cat hold people hostage?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19I tell you what - where was this lady when you need her?
0:14:23 > 0:14:27Finally in crime, a row about a haircut that went wrong.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30A dispute during a haircut led to an arrest
0:14:30 > 0:14:33and an unfortunate mug shot in Connecticut.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35You probably doubt it was that bad. Guess again!
0:14:43 > 0:14:48Now, if you think you've got a strange diet, you've got nothing on this lady.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55That's what I call a "suite" tooth.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Sorry, sorry, sorry!
0:14:57 > 0:14:59I had to.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Do you want to meet her? You know you do.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:15:04 > 0:15:07My name's Adele. I'm 30 years old
0:15:07 > 0:15:10and my addiction is eating couch cushions.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18Apparently, she suffers from a medical condition
0:15:18 > 0:15:20called "mad as fuck".
0:15:25 > 0:15:27I'm no doctor but I know what I see.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31Have you seen how much she's eaten?
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Her guts must look like DFS.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41And she'd be crap on Come Dine With Me. "What are we having?"
0:15:41 > 0:15:43"Roast futons."
0:15:43 > 0:15:44"I'm a vegetarian."
0:15:44 > 0:15:47"Well, have a fucking beanbag, then."
0:15:47 > 0:15:51She loves it, though. Listen to her describe the taste of sofas.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53I love couch cushions.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57The way it sits in my mouth. It's soft, it's a good taste.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01She must spend ages flushing.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06Ah, come on. If you're eating sponge, then every turd is going to be a floater!
0:16:11 > 0:16:15This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19There'll be a mystery guest who's been in the news. I have to figure out who it is.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23So far this series I've had snakes, poo perfume and a kung fu granny.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26So please welcome my mystery guest.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- Welcome.- Hello. I'm guessing your name's Jackie.
0:16:42 > 0:16:47- That's me. Big Jackie.- Big Jackie. Am I allowed to call you Big Jackie? - Yes, that's my name.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Sweet. Lovely stuff.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51So, Big Jackie...
0:16:51 > 0:16:55If I close my eyes it sounds like I'm on a chat line.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59- "Hello, is that Big Jackie?" - "666, 5595."
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Mum, are you on the line?
0:17:04 > 0:17:09So, Jackie, I'm guessing this has got something to do with, um...
0:17:09 > 0:17:12tiaras and hats. Are you, er... Do you design hats?
0:17:12 > 0:17:17- Well, I do sell hair fascinators, but that's not why I'm here.- Right.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Flipping hell, this is an absolute conundrum.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Um, I don't know. I've got no idea.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Um... Can you give me any other clues?
0:17:24 > 0:17:28- Well, I'll just have to reveal myself.- Right.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34Ooh, let's get it off.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41AUDIENCE SQUEAL
0:17:45 > 0:17:50I think we can all figure out what's going to happen now. I'm going to get beaten up again.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54- That's the long and short of it. - I just happen to be Britain's number-one sumo.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- The first lady to fight in Japan. - Oh, wow.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:01 > 0:18:07- Congratulations.- What we're going to do...- Is kick the shit out of me.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11I'm just going to show you a few moves, right?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13And just what it's like in the ring.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15We've got a ring for you and a nappy.
0:18:15 > 0:18:20- Have you got a nappy?- But before that, we're just going to show a few clips.- OK. Great.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Come here.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10I'm going to show you some moves.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12- OK.- Don't be frightened. - I'm not frightened.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- Some training moves first.- OK.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Sliding feet.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22- Now you.- OK.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33And now I'm going to show you how to enter the ring first.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35So just step into the ring and bow.
0:19:35 > 0:19:41All right. I step into the ring.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43- OK.- Bow.- OK.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Let's get down on tiptoes now. We're washing the hands.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48It's purification.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- LOUDLY:- Clapping the hands
0:19:51 > 0:19:55to get the attention of the gods and show we've got no weapons.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58The lucky thing is, if I shit myself, I'm wearing a nappy.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Then we come in together, for an eyeball.
0:20:07 > 0:20:12- Good luck with that. I've got a lazy eye.- Yeah?- Yeah, I look...
0:20:12 > 0:20:14I could be there. I've no idea.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18- And a bit of slapping on the belt. Ha!- Aargh!
0:20:18 > 0:20:21To frighten your opponent.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24Aargh!
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- That'll do.- Yeah.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Now, the rules are, we've got to get our hands down, fists down,
0:20:30 > 0:20:34- on the floor, and no-one can start until we've our hands down.- OK.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Into this position here.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- Get your hands down. - I'm going. I'm waiting.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- We can't start till the hands touch. - That's right, we can't, no.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51I'm ready, I'm ready!
0:20:51 > 0:20:54And then someone's going to shout "hakkeyoi".
0:20:54 > 0:20:56- Hakkeyoi. > - Aargh!
0:20:59 > 0:21:03- I'm going to show you some moves. - OK.- Right.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05We got some lifts that you could do.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09- We could just lift you out... - Ah!- ..and take you out.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:15 > 0:21:19- Or...there's a knee lift. - There's a knee lift?- A knee lift.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Could take you out like that.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28That felt so lovely. It was so...
0:21:28 > 0:21:30I'm not feeling very well.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31It's just nice to be held
0:21:31 > 0:21:35and just love me. Has anyone ever broken down and gone, "I love you"?
0:21:35 > 0:21:38"Why do we have to fight? Can we not cuddle"?
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Just sit down. Just sit down.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- I don't want to be a sumo wrestler! - Sit down.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:49 > 0:21:50Oh, you poor thing!
0:21:51 > 0:21:53I'll just pull you round.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55You'll be all right.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Ooh! Stop it!
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Oh, stop it! You naughty boy!
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Oh, stop it!
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- I've got cramp!- So have I.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19AUDIENCE HECKLE AND CHEER
0:22:28 > 0:22:29Oh, thank you, darling.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- There you go. I enjoyed that. - Did you?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Somebody get me a cigarette.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38That was nice.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44You left me there for longer than you had to.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46But you're such a nice boy.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:55 > 0:22:57So, how... You know. How do you start all this?
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Well, I've progressed, really.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03I was a weightlifter and a power lifter,
0:23:03 > 0:23:06and then one day, a man came up to me in the gym and he said,
0:23:06 > 0:23:08"You look a big girl."
0:23:10 > 0:23:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:15 > 0:23:19"Do you fancy being a sumo wrestler?"
0:23:22 > 0:23:24I mean, obviously, I didn't know it was made...
0:23:26 > 0:23:28..literally of cardboard boxes.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- Well, there you go. - Literally a cardboard box.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36- Please give it up for my wonderful mystery guest. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Look at the latest thing the Chinese government have banned.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Just when you thought the Chinese censors couldn't get more sensitive,
0:23:51 > 0:23:55the authorities here have decided to ban time travel
0:23:55 > 0:23:57from all television programmes.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Their version of Doctor Who is going to be shit.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04"Let's get the Daleks."
0:24:04 > 0:24:07"I can't - someone's clamped the TARDIS."
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Look at the films they've banned.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18And bizarrely....
0:24:20 > 0:24:26I love the fact that Austin Powers is going to become this dangerous underground film. People in prison -
0:24:26 > 0:24:28"What are you in for?"
0:24:28 > 0:24:31"I said, 'Groovy, baby.' "
0:24:31 > 0:24:33So, why are China doing this?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Madness! It'd be great to re-write history.
0:24:44 > 0:24:49If I could travel back in time, I would prevent the world's greatest evil.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Mr and Mrs Bieber.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58- Yeah?- For the sake of humanity,
0:24:58 > 0:25:02use this condom.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08- We don't want you having a baby. - BOTH:- Baby?- Baby.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Oh...
0:25:12 > 0:25:16Check out the disturbing new way some teenagers are getting drunk.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Some women are soaking tampons in vodka,
0:25:19 > 0:25:23inserting them into their vaginas for a quick high on alcohol.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30I hope they don't do a flaming sambuca.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Unbelievably, this isn't the weirdest new drinking game.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37This next story is even more bizarre.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41I had never heard of it until recently.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42Beer bongs.
0:25:43 > 0:25:48Children, kids, are doing this into their anuses. Literally.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52A beer bong up your arse?
0:25:52 > 0:25:54That would change the adverts.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Fosters...bad call.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01What I want to know, how do you know you're drunk?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Does your arse start slurring its farts?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Pfft.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Fla-ha-ha!
0:26:08 > 0:26:11I'd hate to have a drunk arse. It'd be horrible.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15You're walking down the street and it's just shouting at girls - "Oi-oi!"
0:26:15 > 0:26:18"You don't get many of them to the pound!"
0:26:18 > 0:26:19"I'm terribly sorry, madam.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23"I have a binge-drinking anus."
0:26:23 > 0:26:26She's like, "Don't worry about it, love, I've had five tampons."
0:26:32 > 0:26:36Here's a young man who's found a unique way of helping kids in need.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53My name is Blake Mycoskie.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57I'm the founder and chief shoe giver of Toms Shoes.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01Toms originally started about five years ago when I was on a vacation
0:27:01 > 0:27:04and I met some volunteers who were helping children get shoes.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08I wanted to help, but I didn't want to help just once,
0:27:08 > 0:27:10by writing a cheque or making a donation.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Instead, I wanted to create a way to help over and over again.
0:27:13 > 0:27:18So instead of creating a charity, I started a business - a for-profit company -
0:27:18 > 0:27:23where every time we sold a pair of shoes, we'd give a pair to a child in need around the world,
0:27:23 > 0:27:27one for one. So no percentages, no formula, just very simple.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29You buy a pair of our shoes, we'll give a pair on your behalf
0:27:29 > 0:27:32to a child somewhere that needs a pair.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Seeing the joy on these kids' faces really touched me.
0:27:35 > 0:27:40That child will never care about the number of shoes we've given away
0:27:40 > 0:27:42or the success Toms has had.
0:27:42 > 0:27:47All they care about is that they're getting a brand-new pair of shoes in a loving way.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50That is such an awesome experience.
0:27:50 > 0:27:55I had an idea, and it was a small idea when we started.
0:27:55 > 0:27:56Anyone can make a difference.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00You don't have to have it be some huge global campaign.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03You can start small, and that's just as important.
0:28:03 > 0:28:04There you go.
0:28:08 > 0:28:09What a wonderful human being.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19So, my friends, it's Saturday night, so it is time our stand-up guest.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22This next bloke is brilliant.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Please welcome the wonderful James Acastor!
0:28:25 > 0:28:28APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:37 > 0:28:38Thanks. Cheers.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Good to see you all, good to see you.
0:28:40 > 0:28:46My name's James, I'm from Kettering, which is a small town mixed with a Weetabix factory.
0:28:46 > 0:28:47CHEERS AND LAUGHS
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Yeah, you should woop. It's a very popular dish.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53You'll eat it in different ways.
0:28:53 > 0:28:58Some of you might cover it in yoghurt and honey or strawberries and cream.
0:28:58 > 0:29:02Basically, get Weetabix and cover it in anything that tastes better than Weetabix.
0:29:02 > 0:29:08Some people get annoyed when I do that bit because I don't list how they eat their Weetabix.
0:29:08 > 0:29:12You laugh - in Wolverhampton, it kicked off.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14Whoa, you're a cool guy.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16You've got a hat on!
0:29:16 > 0:29:20- I bet you've got a good phone, as well.- It's all right, yeah.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22Let's get a look.
0:29:24 > 0:29:26Pretty cool.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28- So...- Oi!
0:29:30 > 0:29:31Unlucky, sucker!
0:29:31 > 0:29:33Oldest trick in the book!
0:29:33 > 0:29:36I'll compare it to mine, while we're here.
0:29:36 > 0:29:41I'll see who's cooler, me or the hats.
0:29:41 > 0:29:46You've already seen this fella, this contender, remember him?
0:29:47 > 0:29:48Woo!
0:29:48 > 0:29:50Woo, yeah.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56This looks so wrong.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59I could just do the whole gig like that.
0:30:02 > 0:30:03Bam!
0:30:03 > 0:30:06CHEERING
0:30:10 > 0:30:11Yeah.
0:30:12 > 0:30:16If you can't see at the back, it's the phone you used to have.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19This is actually not as good as it looks.
0:30:19 > 0:30:25Because about six months ago, I threw it across a road.
0:30:25 > 0:30:29Not on purpose. I gesticulate a lot when I talk, I've got bad grip and
0:30:29 > 0:30:35uh, I was making a passionate point outside a pub and then didn't have my phone anymore.
0:30:35 > 0:30:40So now, it's got no buttons in it. No buttons in that phone anymore.
0:30:40 > 0:30:45For the last six months, because I'm skint, this is how I've been living my life.
0:30:54 > 0:30:59I know that looks lame, but from a distance it appears as though I have a BlackBerry.
0:30:59 > 0:31:04I've had ladies approach me from across bars for this. Seeing me across the room, just going,
0:31:04 > 0:31:08"Oh, he looks quite... Oh, he's just poking an old Nokia with a Biro."
0:31:11 > 0:31:13"Get your numbers? Might take a while."
0:31:14 > 0:31:18I leave things to the last minute to get new ones anyway.
0:31:18 > 0:31:22They always break and then I get a new one. Basically...
0:31:22 > 0:31:24Oh, you probably want you phone back.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26Everyone's thinking, "He's actually nicked it."
0:31:27 > 0:31:31It would be great if I just had loads of good phones. Oh!
0:31:34 > 0:31:39I'll tell you a fun fact. I learned the other day that if you have Botox,
0:31:39 > 0:31:43on the night you've had Botox, you fall asleep on the side of your face.
0:31:43 > 0:31:48You'll wake up the next morning and your eyebrow will have slid from here round to here!
0:31:48 > 0:31:52I figured out that if you sleep evenly on both sides of your face,
0:31:52 > 0:31:55you'll wake up the next morning and look like your eyes are in brackets.
0:31:59 > 0:32:00That's true. I think.
0:32:00 > 0:32:03I'm pretty gullible.
0:32:03 > 0:32:10When I was nine, my dad took me to London and spent the whole day just lying to me for his own amusement.
0:32:10 > 0:32:12The main one he got me with,
0:32:12 > 0:32:16we were on the escalators going past the signs for the West End shows that are on,
0:32:16 > 0:32:20and he told me that the people who put up those posters
0:32:20 > 0:32:23have one of the hardest jobs in the world.
0:32:23 > 0:32:24LAUGHTER
0:32:26 > 0:32:30APPLAUSE
0:32:32 > 0:32:33I believed that into my teens.
0:32:33 > 0:32:37I had images of them walking backwards on the spot.
0:32:40 > 0:32:41"Yes!"
0:32:41 > 0:32:43"Time to go home!"
0:32:48 > 0:32:50My impression of a man on an escalator.
0:32:50 > 0:32:54Pretty good impression, but you guys didn't get to see it.
0:32:56 > 0:33:03Pretty sweet. The other impression I can do is someone from Roman times reading a text message.
0:33:03 > 0:33:06It's quite a niche impression.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09You have no way of checking if it's true.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12I'll do it for you, I'll do it with this.
0:33:12 > 0:33:16I won't use the Biro, they weren't invented in Roman times.
0:33:21 > 0:33:26This is so... This is someone from Roman times, reading a text message.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31"20? Oh, no, those are kisses."
0:33:31 > 0:33:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:33:41 > 0:33:44The best day out I ever had, I'll tell you this.
0:33:44 > 0:33:45I went to Woburn Safari Park...
0:33:45 > 0:33:47CROWD: Woo!
0:33:47 > 0:33:49Fans of Woburn in, so there should be.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51I went with my girlfriend at the time.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54Before we even got into the park, it was amazing.
0:33:54 > 0:33:58There was a sign on the gate and the sign said,
0:33:58 > 0:34:03"There will be no lions in the park today due to strong winds."
0:34:07 > 0:34:11I think reading that sign may have been better than seeing a lion.
0:34:11 > 0:34:16The things it makes you imagine. "Is a lion really that flimsy?"
0:34:16 > 0:34:19"Is the king of the jungle vulnerable to drafts?
0:34:19 > 0:34:23"If he is, leave them out, I will pay double for that show."
0:34:23 > 0:34:27I figured out how Woburn Safari Park can save a lot of money.
0:34:27 > 0:34:30All they've got to do is get rid of the animals and replace them
0:34:30 > 0:34:34with vague notices explaining why the animals are no longer there,
0:34:34 > 0:34:37to fuel our imaginations.
0:34:37 > 0:34:41"There will be no cheetahs in the park today due to slippery grass."
0:34:44 > 0:34:48"There will be no zebras in the park today due to zebra Christmas."
0:34:52 > 0:34:56"There will be no chameleons in the park today...or will there?"
0:34:57 > 0:35:01Me and that girl split up. It's not a sad story, we weren't right for each other.
0:35:01 > 0:35:09For example, I used to have a T-shirt... I have loads more T-shirts,
0:35:09 > 0:35:14but I had a T-shirt with a drawing of a haunted house on it.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16All the little windows were ghosts.
0:35:16 > 0:35:20But you couldn't see the ghosts if the lights were on,
0:35:20 > 0:35:22because the ghosts could glow in the dark.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25CROWD: Oooooh!
0:35:25 > 0:35:27She didn't think that was cool.
0:35:28 > 0:35:35I know I'm not cool, I was in the Scouts till I was 15. Then they ask you to leave.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38I never got bullied at school or anything like that,
0:35:38 > 0:35:42I was chatting to my dad about school recently and he was there going,
0:35:42 > 0:35:47"You know, James, school's tough for anyone. Don't need to tell you, you got bullied."
0:35:47 > 0:35:49I was like, "No, I didn't.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51"I've never been bullied at school."
0:35:51 > 0:35:53He just went, "Didn't you?
0:35:53 > 0:35:56"I just always assumed you did."
0:35:56 > 0:36:01Assumed. That means he had watched me leave for school every morning
0:36:01 > 0:36:05with my trousers two sizes too small and my Thomas the Tank Engine lunchbox,
0:36:05 > 0:36:08and just been like, "Well, I'd bully him.
0:36:10 > 0:36:14"Sending our child to the slaughter, Diane, I nearly punched him myself."
0:36:16 > 0:36:21My friend Emma into school and another kid hit her in the face with a sock full of acorns.
0:36:21 > 0:36:24LAUGHTER
0:36:24 > 0:36:28Right, thanks for laughing, because,
0:36:28 > 0:36:31when I laughed she got so offended.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34She thought I was laughing at the fact she got hurt,
0:36:34 > 0:36:35which I wasn't.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37What I was laughing at in that sentence
0:36:37 > 0:36:40was a sock full of acorns.
0:36:40 > 0:36:41That's always going to make me laugh.
0:36:41 > 0:36:46If she said, "A kid hit me in the face with a brick..."
0:36:46 > 0:36:48LAUGHTER
0:36:48 > 0:36:53You laugh now because of the brilliant build-up. Normally, people getting hit with bricks isn't funny.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56Unless it's in Home Alone 2: Lost In New York,
0:36:56 > 0:36:58when it's hilarious.
0:36:58 > 0:36:59Classic.
0:36:59 > 0:37:04She wanted to stop me from laughing. This is the worst way to stop me from laughing, ever.
0:37:04 > 0:37:08I was on the floor, properly loving it, and she just went,
0:37:08 > 0:37:09"Don't laugh.
0:37:11 > 0:37:13"It was full, right, up to the heel."
0:37:18 > 0:37:20I got poked in the eye once.
0:37:20 > 0:37:21Uh...
0:37:21 > 0:37:22LAUGHTER
0:37:22 > 0:37:24Yeah. Fair enough.
0:37:24 > 0:37:28It wasn't in school, it was a couple of years ago
0:37:28 > 0:37:35and I had to go to the eye hospital. On the way there, in the cab, I was in denial about how bad the eye was.
0:37:35 > 0:37:38I was trying to do a crossword.
0:37:38 > 0:37:42I would chew the pen to make it look like I was struggling with the clues
0:37:42 > 0:37:45that had nothing to do with the fact that my eye was bleeding.
0:37:45 > 0:37:48He dropped me off at the eye hospital,
0:37:48 > 0:37:53as I was walking up to the door, everyone was recoiling from my hideous face.
0:37:53 > 0:37:57I go to the toilets, assess the damage.
0:37:57 > 0:37:59Now, it's pretty bad.
0:37:59 > 0:38:03But what really stood out was the river of ink running down my chin.
0:38:03 > 0:38:08Because I was chewing the pen. Everyone must have thought, "He can't take care of himself at all!
0:38:08 > 0:38:12"Sitting at home, breaking off pens in his mouth, jabbing them in his eye."
0:38:13 > 0:38:16You get what you deserve.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19Sitting in the waiting room next to a lady.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22She asked me how I'd hurt my eye.
0:38:22 > 0:38:26This was before I did stand up, I worked in a school with autistic children.
0:38:26 > 0:38:30One of them kicked off that day. When I tried to get involved,
0:38:30 > 0:38:33the way he responded was,
0:38:33 > 0:38:40he got his finger and he ploughed it into my eye.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42With a crunch.
0:38:42 > 0:38:44AUDIENCE GROANS
0:38:44 > 0:38:46When it was in there,
0:38:46 > 0:38:49quickly just...
0:38:49 > 0:38:50AUDIENCE GROANS
0:38:58 > 0:39:00Didn't do any of this.
0:39:00 > 0:39:04What he did was, formed a hook,
0:39:04 > 0:39:09and, uh, on the return journey...
0:39:10 > 0:39:13..dragged his very long fingernail...
0:39:13 > 0:39:15AUDIENCE GROANS
0:39:15 > 0:39:20..over my eyeball, scratching the surface.
0:39:28 > 0:39:31When I told her this, she went,
0:39:31 > 0:39:34"Oh, you work with autistic children, that must be so rewarding!"
0:39:36 > 0:39:38"Not all the time."
0:39:41 > 0:39:45After me and the Woburn girl split up, I went to a house party.
0:39:45 > 0:39:49House parties are the worst places to be if you've just split up with someone.
0:39:49 > 0:39:54There are two types of people at a house party. Couples and people trying to form new couples.
0:39:54 > 0:39:56No-one in between.
0:39:56 > 0:39:59I overheard one bloke, quite drunk, lean into a girl and say,
0:39:59 > 0:40:04"I can be anything from a horny twat to a knobhead."
0:40:04 > 0:40:07That is quite the range to give yourself!
0:40:08 > 0:40:13Saying, "I'll always wind you up, but sometimes I'll do it with a boner!"
0:40:13 > 0:40:15Even that didn't cheer me up.
0:40:15 > 0:40:20I went upstairs to the toilet to get away from everyone,
0:40:20 > 0:40:24and I was walking towards the door, it was flung open.
0:40:24 > 0:40:29This guy was standing there, and eventually,
0:40:29 > 0:40:36he broke the silence and went, "Mate...I love that T-shirt!"
0:40:36 > 0:40:40I looked down, I'm wearing the haunted house T-shirt!
0:40:40 > 0:40:43My self-esteem has been at rock bottom for a week, now,
0:40:43 > 0:40:47with one compliment from a stranger it's like "Bing! Back in the room!"
0:40:47 > 0:40:52But then I realised, I'm in a very well-lit corridor at the moment.
0:40:54 > 0:40:59Right now, I'm getting a compliment on a drawing of a haunted house.
0:41:00 > 0:41:04So far... I could double my money here.
0:41:06 > 0:41:10I've never looked so seriously at another human being. I just went,
0:41:10 > 0:41:12"You do realise...
0:41:15 > 0:41:17"..this glows in the dark?"
0:41:19 > 0:41:21He could not pull me in that bathroom fast enough!
0:41:21 > 0:41:28Straight in, door shut, T-shirt does its thing with the lights of and he couldn't contain himself!
0:41:28 > 0:41:33He's just there going, "That is awesome!" I was like, "Yes, she never appreciated this!"
0:41:33 > 0:41:38"There's one coming out the chimney!" "That's the chimney ghost!"
0:41:40 > 0:41:41My favourite ghost!
0:41:43 > 0:41:47Then that I realised there were three types of people at a house party.
0:41:47 > 0:41:50There were couples, people trying to form new couples
0:41:50 > 0:41:52and newly single men,
0:41:52 > 0:41:55standing in a darkened bathroom, showing their glowing ghost to another dude.
0:41:58 > 0:42:00APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:42:05 > 0:42:06Thank you.
0:42:06 > 0:42:11You've been a pleasure to talk to, hope to see you again soon. Goodbye!
0:42:11 > 0:42:13APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:42:13 > 0:42:17Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for James Acastor!
0:42:20 > 0:42:21There you go.
0:42:23 > 0:42:25I hope you enjoyed watching Good News.
0:42:25 > 0:42:28Have an excellent Saturday and a wonderful weekend.
0:42:28 > 0:42:30Farewell, my friends.
0:42:30 > 0:42:33APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:42:34 > 0:42:37Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:42:37 > 0:42:41E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk