0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Thank you very much.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Hello!
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Hello and welcome to Good News.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33So what have we learnt this week?
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Well, this woman revealed the dullest hobby ever.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38I used to keep a list in my bag of towns beginning with Y
0:00:38 > 0:00:40because there weren't many!
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Anyway...
0:00:41 > 0:00:44LAUGHTER
0:00:45 > 0:00:46If you're going on telly,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49make sure you know what you're going to say.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53Constitutional change could go through without any basic...
0:00:53 > 0:00:58erm, voting, erm...
0:00:58 > 0:00:59Basing on the...
0:00:59 > 0:01:00I'm sorry...
0:01:02 > 0:01:04LAUGHTER
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Did anyone else hear that bloke get his cock out mid-interview?
0:01:07 > 0:01:10We're not royalists.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11ZIP!
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Simple.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20What an incredible week of news. First up, you couldn't have missed this -
0:01:20 > 0:01:23The Duke and Duchess show their love to each other and the world.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Married in Westminster Abbey, with friends,
0:01:27 > 0:01:30family and dignitaries from across the globe.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31It was a wonderful day.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Two people in love, the sun was shining, we got a day off.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38As ever, the British public were very reserved.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Oh, look at William looking at her. Look.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45It's magical. It is absolutely magical!
0:01:45 > 0:01:47I wouldn't be anywhere else.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48It's beautiful!
0:01:48 > 0:01:50I am speechless.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52CHEERING
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Aaaah!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Kate, William!
0:01:57 > 0:02:00I love that. One minute she's speechless, next minute,
0:02:00 > 0:02:03"Aaaahhhhhhhh!"
0:02:03 > 0:02:07They weren't the only ones. The crowd was full of brilliant nutters.
0:02:07 > 0:02:12I made this costume all myself.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15With UHU glue.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17LAUGHTER
0:02:17 > 0:02:18It wasn't just the public,
0:02:18 > 0:02:21even the police got into the party spirit.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26CROWD CHEERS
0:02:27 > 0:02:29CROWD CHEERS
0:02:29 > 0:02:31CROWD CHEERS
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Mind you, it wasn't hard to get them going,
0:02:34 > 0:02:38the crowd cheered anything from the weather to a road sweeper.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41There's a 10% chance of a shower during the service itself...
0:02:41 > 0:02:43CHEERING
0:02:44 > 0:02:46CHEERING
0:02:48 > 0:02:49CHEERING
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- LAUGHTER - "Waaaaay!
0:02:52 > 0:02:55"It's like a car AND a Hoover."
0:02:56 > 0:02:58For many people...
0:02:58 > 0:03:01A few of you - "It is actually, it's very good."
0:03:01 > 0:03:04..For many people, the iconic image of the wedding was this...
0:03:04 > 0:03:07'Lots of shouts from the crowd here.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10'And that's the reward.'
0:03:10 > 0:03:14Come on, the iconic wedding image was this little girl.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21"I can't believe I put glue on my hands."
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Did you watch the service?
0:03:23 > 0:03:27When the priest asked if anyone objected to the wedding,
0:03:27 > 0:03:28did anyone else go, "Yeah!
0:03:28 > 0:03:33"He's really punching above his weight"?
0:03:33 > 0:03:37I love how many times they kept saying, "Kate arrived a commoner and left a princess."
0:03:37 > 0:03:41Commoner? She's hardly Vicky Pollard.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44"Sorry I'm late, Wills, I was shoplifting down Primark."
0:03:44 > 0:03:46LAUGHTER
0:03:46 > 0:03:48The best bit was when William said,
0:03:48 > 0:03:51"I take Kate to be my wife for richer and poorer."
0:03:51 > 0:03:56You could hear the entire nation going, "Poorer? Bollocks!"
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Just before the ceremony, Harry took Wills off for a private word.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04I bet you money he said, "Listen, Wills, I know it's your big day
0:04:04 > 0:04:09"but I'm definitely going to have a pop at Kate's sister."
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Who could blame him? She is extraordinary.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15MUSIC: "Foxy Lady" by Jimi Hendrix.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17# Foxy
0:04:17 > 0:04:21# You got to be all mine
0:04:21 > 0:04:23# All mine
0:04:23 > 0:04:25# Foxy lady. #
0:04:25 > 0:04:31I think I speak for the nation when I say she is a BMILF -
0:04:31 > 0:04:35a bridesmaid I'd love to Facebook.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37LAUGHTER
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Talking of Facebook, within minutes, this page was created...
0:04:40 > 0:04:45The Pippa Middleton Arse Appreciation Society.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48I wonder who set that up?
0:04:48 > 0:04:52APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Back to the wedding.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Did anyone else notice
0:04:57 > 0:04:59the Queen didn't join in with the National Anthem?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02I reckon it's cos she's so bored of it.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04She's probably there going, "Oh!
0:05:04 > 0:05:08"If I had a pound for every time they played that song...
0:05:08 > 0:05:10"Oh, I do!
0:05:10 > 0:05:13"Nice one!"
0:05:13 > 0:05:16I'll bet she makes up lyrics in her head.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20- TO TUNE OF THE NATIONAL ANTHEM: - # I'm missing Bargain Hunt
0:05:20 > 0:05:25# What shall I have for lunch
0:05:25 > 0:05:27# Maybe some chips
0:05:27 > 0:05:29# Doo-doo-doo
0:05:29 > 0:05:33# Who would I rather be?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36# SpongeBob or Mr. T?
0:05:36 > 0:05:41# I want a butler space monkey
0:05:41 > 0:05:47# Cos I'm the Queen. #
0:05:47 > 0:05:50APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:05:54 > 0:05:57I know for a fact the Queen's really into her music.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Listen to what she was playing on the way to the service.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03MUSIC: "Ridin'" By Chamillionaire
0:06:08 > 0:06:12I couldn't take my eyes off the Queen. Did you see what she wore?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16I was looking, going, "Where have I seen that before?"
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Then it hit me!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20LAUGHTER
0:06:23 > 0:06:26"Smokin'!"
0:06:26 > 0:06:29The big fashion story was definitely Kate's dress.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32What will the bride be wearing and who has designed it?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35All they want to know is what dress will she wear?
0:06:35 > 0:06:39It really will be one of the biggest fashion moments of all time.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43My brother lost 50 quid after he bet on Kate wearing this.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46LAUGHTER
0:06:46 > 0:06:50The oddest fashion choice had to go to Tara Palmer-Tomkinson.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Surely, if you've had to get a new nose because your old one
0:06:53 > 0:06:57was destroyed by drugs, don't wear a hat that points to it!
0:06:57 > 0:07:00LAUGHTER
0:07:00 > 0:07:03It's like getting herpes and wearing this.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Mind you, the hat was nothing compared to her sister.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12She has the poshest name ever.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15"That is her sister, Santa Sebag Montefiore.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19"Santa Sebag Montefiore."
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Santa Sebag Montefiore?!
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Sounds like something this guy shouts when he comes!
0:07:26 > 0:07:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:35 > 0:07:40Everywhere you looked people were wearing medals. David Beckham was there looking great,
0:07:40 > 0:07:41wearing his OBE.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44His medal there that he's got. But apparently, we're being informed,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46he is wearing it on the wrong side.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Imagine someone telling him, "Dave, it's on the wrong side."
0:07:51 > 0:07:52"Oh, right!"
0:07:54 > 0:07:56LAUGHTER
0:07:56 > 0:08:00"Victoria, look, it's that bloke from The Mask!"
0:08:08 > 0:08:09"Smokin'!"
0:08:09 > 0:08:11LAUGHTER
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Do you know the wedding was the biggest television event of all time?
0:08:15 > 0:08:16Did you see how many people watched it?
0:08:16 > 0:08:20It's thought up to two billion people around the world watched them
0:08:20 > 0:08:22today exchange their vows.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Most of you probably watched it on the Beeb,
0:08:24 > 0:08:28which is a shame cos you missed out on the in-depth knowledge
0:08:28 > 0:08:29of Euronews.
0:08:29 > 0:08:34Listen to how they describe the fly-past over Buckingham Palace.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36All I can tell you is that that's a big plane.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39It's got two little planes either side of it.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41LAUGHTER
0:08:41 > 0:08:47That is genius! It's great, isn't it?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Mind you, that was nothing compared to the moment
0:08:49 > 0:08:53Chris Hollins was accidentally racist.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57- Have we had a super day today? - Had a great day, thank you!
0:08:57 > 0:09:01- Fantastic!- Are you going home?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:07 > 0:09:11So that's it for the Royal Wedding. Congratulations to Kate and Will.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13People were saying it's the best wedding ever.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Oh, come on! It was good. It'll never beat this.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18The rings, please.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Oh, my God!
0:09:37 > 0:09:40The other major international news was this.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45Fox News is just reporting that Bin Laden, Osama Bin Laden, is dead.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Did you see how the papers covered it?
0:09:47 > 0:09:48The Times went with,
0:09:50 > 0:09:51The Express had,
0:09:53 > 0:09:55And what did The Sun go with?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Bin Bagged!
0:10:06 > 0:10:10The American reaction to Bin Laden's death was fairly muted.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13You kill innocent American people, you're going to pay the price.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16USA! USA! USA!
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Osama Bin Laden is dead.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Happy days!
0:10:20 > 0:10:22LAUGHTER
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Did you see how they got rid of Bin Laden's body?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28We can now confirm that about an hour and a half ago, John,
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Osama Bin Laden was buried at sea.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33I love that description. "Buried."
0:10:33 > 0:10:35I think the verb they're searching for is "flung"!
0:10:35 > 0:10:39"We found you, now you find Nemo!"
0:10:39 > 0:10:42LAUGHTER
0:10:43 > 0:10:46The bizarrest thing about this story, do you know
0:10:46 > 0:10:49the anagram you can make out of Osama Bin Laden?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Look at this. Osama Bin Laden...
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Lob Da Man In Sea!
0:10:54 > 0:10:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Bin Laden's death sent the American networks into overload.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03Now, here's a tip,
0:11:03 > 0:11:06if you're reporting on one of the biggest stories of the year,
0:11:06 > 0:11:09make sure you know who killed who.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12President Obama is in fact dead!
0:11:12 > 0:11:14LAUGHTER
0:11:17 > 0:11:18Well, he isn't, is he?
0:11:18 > 0:11:21The timing of this couldn't have been better for Obama.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23All week, he'd been dealing with this.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26President Obama has released a full copy of his birth certificate
0:11:26 > 0:11:30to counter claims that he wasn't born in America.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Right-wing extremists believed that Obama shouldn't be President
0:11:34 > 0:11:36because he wasn't born in America.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I love the fact that a load of red necks believe the Bible,
0:11:39 > 0:11:41but they don't believe Obama's American!
0:11:41 > 0:11:44IN AMERICAN ACCENT: "I believe Jesus turned water into wine.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46"I believe a virgin gave birth to God's child,
0:11:46 > 0:11:51"but a black man born in America, that just don't make no sense."
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Wouldn't it be great if Obama went, "My birth certificate? Yeah, yeah.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00"It's here, it's just in my... TROUSERS!"
0:12:00 > 0:12:04It's pretty unfair. Nobody asked to see George Bush's birth certificate.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07In fairness, his mum was pretty busy.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16"I'll... I'll call back later, Mrs Bush, you look busy.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19"I'll... I'll call back later."
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Obama may have killed Bin Laden and revealed his birth certificate,
0:12:22 > 0:12:24but for an old friend of the show,
0:12:24 > 0:12:26it still wasn't enough. Remember this guy?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Mr Long-legged Mack Daddy...
0:12:28 > 0:12:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:30 > 0:12:34It's the preacher who hates Obama. He was back in the news.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Have a listen to where he reckons
0:12:36 > 0:12:39the President got his birth certificate.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42That fake birth certificate that Obama put,
0:12:42 > 0:12:44he bought it from down there in Mexico,
0:12:44 > 0:12:46and put it on his website. He bought it from Mexico.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Now, all the Mexicans are saying, "Yay. Amen,"
0:12:49 > 0:12:52and whatever else it is they say...in Mexico.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57My favourite part of the whole birth certificate business
0:12:57 > 0:13:00was the joke the President told
0:13:00 > 0:13:02at the White House Correspondents' dinner.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Check this out. It's brilliant.
0:13:04 > 0:13:11Tonight, for the first time, I am releasing my official birth video.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20That is a good gag!
0:13:20 > 0:13:22"Hakuna ma fuckin' tata!
0:13:22 > 0:13:24"I'm Barack Obama."
0:13:29 > 0:13:31So what else has been happening?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Have you seen the latest international crime fighter?
0:13:34 > 0:13:40He's dressed head-to-toe in black. He's a self-styled ninja warrior.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42He says he wants to bring hope to ordinary citizens.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Pretty impressive.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Where does this all powerful ninja operate? New York? Tokyo?
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Tunbridge Wells?! What crime does he deal with there?
0:13:57 > 0:14:02"Somebody help! A lady has served red wine with fish!"
0:14:02 > 0:14:04It is so tragic, isn't it?
0:14:04 > 0:14:08"I am the Tunbridge Wells ninja!"
0:14:08 > 0:14:13"Dad! Why are you wearing pyjamas?"
0:14:13 > 0:14:18"Who is Dad? I am ninja."
0:14:18 > 0:14:21"Dad, your cock's hanging out."
0:14:21 > 0:14:26What has he been up to? Sword fighting, throwing a death star?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29He helped rescue his friend's cat from a tree.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35He rescued a cat and now he's a ninja. Look what else he does.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Then he carried on doing other good deeds like helping old ladies cross the road.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41What a ninja!
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Helping old ladies across the road.
0:14:44 > 0:14:50"Only go when the light is green. Never fear, old lady, I am a ninja!"
0:14:50 > 0:14:53"Oh, right, you look like a twat in pyjamas!"
0:14:55 > 0:14:57"And your cock's hanging out."
0:14:59 > 0:15:01He's hardly helping.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04How scary for an old lady - a bloke dressed in black saying,
0:15:04 > 0:15:07"I'm taking you to the other side."
0:15:07 > 0:15:11"Oh, shit! Is it my time to die?"
0:15:13 > 0:15:18"I never thought death would have his cock out!"
0:15:18 > 0:15:19I am sure he's very good,
0:15:19 > 0:15:22but you hear Tunbridge ninja, you don't picture this...
0:15:24 > 0:15:26You picture this...
0:15:35 > 0:15:37This next story is brilliant.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Over in Australia, a member of the navy has made the news after
0:15:40 > 0:15:43getting hammered whilst working in America.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47This amateur video of a drunk Australian submariner being
0:15:47 > 0:15:51restrained by US guards is the latest in a string of embarrassing
0:15:51 > 0:15:53scandals for the Australian Defence Force.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57He was wasted. They had to handcuff him to a stretcher.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59The reason I love this story
0:15:59 > 0:16:03is because of the action the Australian Navy took.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06The intoxicated sailor has since been promoted...
0:16:06 > 0:16:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:09 > 0:16:10Just unbelievable.
0:16:14 > 0:16:19A farmer has come up with an unusual way to protect his flock.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22How do you prevent your sheep from being stolen?
0:16:22 > 0:16:28According to one farmer on Dartmoor, you do this - you dye them orange.
0:16:29 > 0:16:34Orange things don't get stolen? Well, this guy is safe from kidnap!
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Orange sheep would freak you out.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43Imagine cutting through that field on the way home from the pub.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47"Dave, the pumpkins are following me!"
0:16:51 > 0:16:53"Dave?
0:16:53 > 0:16:57"Is that a bloke in his pyjamas?"
0:17:00 > 0:17:03"Dave, I think his cock's hanging out!"
0:17:03 > 0:17:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:09 > 0:17:11On the plus side,
0:17:11 > 0:17:15if all farmers start dyeing sheep orange, it will catch out perverts.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20- Hello, love. Good day tending the sheep?- It was all right. It was quite quiet.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27- What have you done?- What?!
0:17:30 > 0:17:35Unbelievably, that isn't the strangest animal story of the week.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Nobody saw this affair coming.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41They say love comes in all shapes and sizes.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43An eight-year-old swan named Swanny
0:17:43 > 0:17:46has developed a strange infatuation with a blue tractor.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Apparently a swan is in love with a tractor.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54I bet the other swans think he's a right pervert.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58They're in the lake kissing, he's in his room with a load of tissues watching Top Gear.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01"Pop her bonnet!"
0:18:01 > 0:18:06That's probably the worst impression of a swan ever!
0:18:06 > 0:18:10The love between a swan and a tractor can only end one way.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14MUSIC: "Je t'aime"
0:18:29 > 0:18:32This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34A mystery guest who has been in the news
0:18:34 > 0:18:36and I have to figure out who that person is.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Please, welcome my mystery guest!
0:18:39 > 0:18:43APPLAUSE
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Hello. Nice to meet you.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52Nice to meet you.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54AUDIENCE WOLF-WHISTLES
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- Was that the first time you've been on telly?- No.
0:18:57 > 0:19:02- You got a wolf whistle! Can I look underneath your curtains?- No!
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Not the first lady who's refused that.
0:19:09 > 0:19:14- Something to do with bric-a-brac? Collecting things?- No.
0:19:16 > 0:19:21- Do you work with children?- I do. - You work with children.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23And what's...
0:19:23 > 0:19:27- The medals are something to do with it.- Something to do with medals.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- Have you competed?- Yes.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- Against children?- No.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37- My day job is working with children. - Your day job is working with kids.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41- But by night...- Something different.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- Are you an athlete?- Yes.- Excellent.
0:19:44 > 0:19:50- What do you do?- I'm 15 times British Champion in...
0:19:52 > 0:19:57- Have you guessed yet?- Arm wrestling! - Yeah.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00APPLAUSE
0:20:07 > 0:20:08Come on then.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Have you ever arm wrestled before?
0:20:10 > 0:20:14I just know I'm going to get beaten up yet again.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17The imagination of my production team!
0:20:17 > 0:20:23- I'll show you a few techniques. - Just punch me in the face.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26It's all people want to see. Just deck me.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- I'll show you a few techniques. - Yeah.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31We stand up.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39You hold your peg. There we go. The first technique...
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- You smell lovely!- Thank you.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Ah! Yes!
0:20:55 > 0:20:58I'll give you that one.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02A top roll. A little technique.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06With this part of your hand, you need to open my fingers, so I'm like this.
0:21:06 > 0:21:12- OK.- Then you drag me down to the back. Nice and easy. Like this.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Want to practise?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Right. Use your body weight a bit more.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23So drag your body...
0:21:25 > 0:21:30That's better. All right. Next one is called a hook.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34- The strongest person normally wins this one.- It'll be you!
0:21:34 > 0:21:39You hook both wrists in and drag back.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41LAUGHTER
0:21:41 > 0:21:45- I'm really trying. Ready?- Yeah.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46SHE SNIGGERS
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Yeah, yeah, yeah!
0:21:49 > 0:21:53- Can you improvise? - I've shown you a few things...
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Commence with the beating. OK.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Choose one in your head.
0:22:00 > 0:22:05- Ready? Three, two, one.- Ow.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- No, you're letting me win. Don't let me win!- I'm not.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11I feel like a child!
0:22:12 > 0:22:17"You can eat from the adult menu." Let me eat my own food.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22AUDIENCE: Come on, Russ!
0:22:29 > 0:22:32APPLAUSE
0:22:35 > 0:22:38All right. For the last one, I do...
0:22:38 > 0:22:42I'll show you how we do it in a professional competition.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Wow, I can already feel it! Damn!
0:22:46 > 0:22:51- You give me a go. - I'll give you a go!
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Go!
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Let's have a chat. That's easier.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06- Have you got a boyfriend?- Yes.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08I don't want to get base...
0:23:12 > 0:23:17But...there are certain things that a man and lady can do.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21- That women can do better. - He must be terrified when you do it!
0:23:21 > 0:23:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:35 > 0:23:39- I'm talking of course about pancake flipping!- Of course!
0:23:39 > 0:23:43Which is a different thing to call it. How did you start this?
0:23:43 > 0:23:47- Can you beat your dad?- My dad was the British Heavyweight Champion.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49He built me a table when I was little.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52When I was seven,
0:23:52 > 0:23:56I entered a sub-junior competition and beat about six boys.
0:23:56 > 0:24:01- Wow! How old were they?- They were between six and nine.- Excellent.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Then when I was 11, I entered the British Championships and won it.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08- From then on, won it.- Fantastic. It is lovely to meet you. Thank you.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- Thank you.- Please, give it up for my mystery guest.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22Have you seen the latest way some teenagers are tackling exams?
0:24:22 > 0:24:24It's a pill called a "smart" drug.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Apparently, it makes you more intelligent.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Some swear they're the secret to maximising memory power,
0:24:30 > 0:24:33to aid exams, to boost concentration
0:24:33 > 0:24:36and to help stay alert for hours at a time.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38These are smart drugs
0:24:38 > 0:24:42and a recent survey said one in ten students were taking them.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Kids are taking smart drugs? Who is their dealer? This guy?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49If I was still at school,
0:24:49 > 0:24:52just before an exam, I would offer my mate some smart pills
0:24:52 > 0:24:56and instead I'd give them Viagra.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00Wouldn't that be fantastic? They're trying to do algebra with a massive rod on!
0:25:00 > 0:25:03"My God, these kids really love maths!"
0:25:06 > 0:25:08I'm not going to use these smart pills. Why?
0:25:08 > 0:25:15Because I'd leave them lying around and my dog would eat them and that would freak me out!
0:25:15 > 0:25:17"Greetings, Russell." "All right?"
0:25:17 > 0:25:21"I'm fine, thank you. Did you know all polar bears are left-handed
0:25:21 > 0:25:24"and there are no cats in the Bible?"
0:25:24 > 0:25:27"In other news, I've done a shit in your shoes."
0:25:28 > 0:25:33As ever, the papers are shrieking, "This is terrible!
0:25:33 > 0:25:35"All children are taking them!"
0:25:35 > 0:25:41Calm down! Not all teenagers are taking smart pills as these exam answers prove.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44"Briefly explain what hard water is."
0:25:44 > 0:25:47"Ice."
0:25:47 > 0:25:50"Explain the shape of the graph."
0:25:50 > 0:25:52"It's curvy."
0:25:52 > 0:25:54My personal favourite...
0:25:54 > 0:25:57"Can a man still reproduce with only one testicle?"
0:25:57 > 0:26:02"No, girls don't find that shit attractive."
0:26:02 > 0:26:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Time for my final story.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15It's an inspirational story about a father and his son who compete in
0:26:15 > 0:26:17marathons and triathlons across America.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19This is where they go to prove their mettle.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Endurance races from around New England.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Ready to take on an Olympic distance triathlon.
0:26:26 > 0:26:31Those who finish will swim a mile, bike 24 and run six more.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33I want to welcome everyone.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36But one man has a tougher challenge than the rest.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40It's not because he's one of the oldest guys here.
0:26:40 > 0:26:45It's because Dick Hoyt will pull, pedal and push his son Rick
0:26:45 > 0:26:49who was born without the ability to move or speak.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Dick and Rick have completed over 240 triathlons
0:26:54 > 0:26:59and, on their lazier Sunday afternoons, over 68 marathons,
0:26:59 > 0:27:03the fastest in a time just half an hour off the world record.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07I don't have the desire to be out there running by myself.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10It is something that comes from his body to my body.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12It makes us go faster.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Are you trying to say that you run faster pushing Rick
0:27:15 > 0:27:18than if you didn't run with him?
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Oh, yeah. He inspires me and he motivates me.
0:27:21 > 0:27:26He is the athlete and he is very competitive. He wants to win.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30'I have shown to disabled people
0:27:30 > 0:27:36'that they don't have to sit back and watch the world go by.'
0:27:36 > 0:27:37There you go.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38APPLAUSE
0:27:41 > 0:27:45So! It's Saturday night, which means it's time for my stand-up guest.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48He's wonderful, I've gigged with him many times.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51He's a co-host on Frank Skinner's Absolute Radio shows.
0:27:51 > 0:27:56Ladies and gentlemen, please go wild and crazy for Gareth Richards!
0:27:56 > 0:27:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:03 > 0:28:04Hello!
0:28:04 > 0:28:07AUDIENCE: Hello.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09How are you doing? Are you having a nice evening?
0:28:09 > 0:28:11CHEERING
0:28:11 > 0:28:15Excellent. My name is Gareth. Say hello, Gareth.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17AUDIENCE: Hello, Gareth.
0:28:17 > 0:28:18Hello, everybody.
0:28:18 > 0:28:24I've been doing some research recently and Gareth is an ancient Welsh name
0:28:24 > 0:28:26that means man with shit name.
0:28:30 > 0:28:31Thank you for coming.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35I'm going to put that over there.
0:28:35 > 0:28:39Um, I've come from Bournemouth to be here today.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41LOUD CHEERING
0:28:42 > 0:28:45Is there anyone in from Bournemouth?
0:28:46 > 0:28:50I live in Bournemouth with my wife. I'm married. Give me a cheer if you're married.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52WEAK CHEERING
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Give me a cheer if you're single.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58LOUD CHEERING
0:28:58 > 0:29:01Much happier. Much, much happier.
0:29:01 > 0:29:05I've been married eight years, so I married quite young.
0:29:05 > 0:29:09People say, "Married young. Was she pregnant?"
0:29:09 > 0:29:13I'm, like, "No...as it turned out."
0:29:17 > 0:29:21Nasty shock and lovely surprise all at the same time.
0:29:22 > 0:29:26I got the train here. Anyone been on the train recently?
0:29:26 > 0:29:27CHEERING
0:29:27 > 0:29:32It's good on the train now. They've got plug sockets.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34Have you seen this, plug sockets on the train.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36It's like living in the future.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39How do they get electricity on the train?
0:29:39 > 0:29:42Is there someone running about with an extension lead going...
0:29:44 > 0:29:45"Get me another one!"
0:29:47 > 0:29:52And by the plug socket, there's a sticker to give us some instructions.
0:29:52 > 0:29:56Cos they know if they don't give us some instructions, we'll freak out.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59It says, "Laptops and mobile phones only."
0:29:59 > 0:30:03I'm, like, "Oh, and I've brought my ironing.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07"When was I supposed to get this done?!"
0:30:08 > 0:30:10Right you watch out for the man for me
0:30:10 > 0:30:12and I'm going to try to get as much done before...
0:30:16 > 0:30:20Sorry, this is still a bit damp. Do you mind if I plug my tumble drier in there?
0:30:23 > 0:30:27I went to Wimbledon last year and this young guy came up to me
0:30:27 > 0:30:29and he said, "I'm a ball boy."
0:30:29 > 0:30:32I said, "I'm more of a breast man, myself."
0:30:36 > 0:30:41Wooden spoons are handy because you can use wooden spoons to prepare food
0:30:41 > 0:30:45or if you haven't got time, go into a pub
0:30:45 > 0:30:46and say "Where's my dinner?
0:30:48 > 0:30:50"I ordered hours ago."
0:30:51 > 0:30:55So we're political people here on Russell Howard's Good News.
0:30:55 > 0:30:57How do we feel about the coalition?
0:30:58 > 0:31:00BOOING
0:31:00 > 0:31:03That's the exact sound everyone makes all over the country.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06That's the sound of our political opinions.
0:31:06 > 0:31:07R-r-r-r-.
0:31:09 > 0:31:13People thought the Conservatives were going to win easily in the last election.
0:31:13 > 0:31:17I think they should have rebranded themselves more and they would have done better.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19Cos they've had to do this sharing thing.
0:31:19 > 0:31:24Some people called them the Conservatives.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26Some people called them the Tories.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29I think they should call themselves "The Conserva-tories."
0:31:30 > 0:31:33Making the houses of Parliament more transparent.
0:31:33 > 0:31:36APPLAUSE
0:31:41 > 0:31:46One of the first things they said they were going to do was cut down on speed cameras.
0:31:46 > 0:31:51Good for motorists, not so good for school children.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56But then we do want to save money on education, so...
0:31:59 > 0:32:02I live near my parents in Bournemouth.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04Mums are lovely, but they are a bit embarrassing.
0:32:04 > 0:32:08I think there's something that happens to a woman
0:32:08 > 0:32:11when they have another human being burst out of them one day.
0:32:11 > 0:32:15It just makes them lose all sense of what's normal and appropriate
0:32:15 > 0:32:18in everyday life for the rest of their life.
0:32:18 > 0:32:22The other day, my mum wanted to mime to me, Gareth, would you like a glass of wine?
0:32:22 > 0:32:26This is the mime. She said, "Gareth would you like a..."
0:32:30 > 0:32:32APPLAUSE
0:32:37 > 0:32:40Mum, that is not the mime for would you like a drink?
0:32:41 > 0:32:44Not much of a drink anyway.
0:32:49 > 0:32:54There's reasons why people do comedy. Something needs to have gone wrong
0:32:54 > 0:32:56to need this sort of attention.
0:32:56 > 0:33:00One of these moments for me was I was ten years old and it was bath time.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02My mum and my aunty were there.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05This is as bad as it sounds like it's gong to be.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08Social workers in the front row were worried.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11I started to get changed.
0:33:11 > 0:33:14I throw them a look as if to say, yeah, you can go now.
0:33:14 > 0:33:18And my mum goes, "We can go now. He doesn't like me to see him get changed
0:33:18 > 0:33:22"now he's growing up. He's shy of himself. Now he's getting older,
0:33:22 > 0:33:24"We should give him his privacy, we should go."
0:33:24 > 0:33:29They were still in the room when they had this next bit of the conversation.
0:33:29 > 0:33:33This is in my mind for me to deal with for the rest of my life.
0:33:33 > 0:33:37My mum says, "We should grow," and my aunt says, "Why? Has it grown?"
0:33:44 > 0:33:48And my mum said, "No."
0:33:48 > 0:33:50APPLAUSE
0:33:55 > 0:33:57Part of me died right there and then.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02Your parents worry about you and that's a lovely thing,
0:34:02 > 0:34:06but every now and then they say something that betrays how much they worry about you.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08The terrible things that go through their minds.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11Every time my mum took a picture of me, she would say,
0:34:11 > 0:34:15"Smile, Gareth, cos if you go missing tomorrow, this will have to be on the news."
0:34:18 > 0:34:22Nobody's going to look for a miserable child.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24Cheese!
0:34:27 > 0:34:30I hated school all the way through.
0:34:30 > 0:34:34We had communal showers. Did you have communal showers at your school?
0:34:34 > 0:34:38No! No, they stopped doing it because it's very cruel.
0:34:38 > 0:34:43When you're right on the brink of puberty, the most self-conscious you'll ever be about your body
0:34:43 > 0:34:45and they make you shower in front of your whole class.
0:34:45 > 0:34:49I'd like to shower with 12-year-olds now and see who the weirdo is.
0:34:56 > 0:35:02My English teacher hated me at school. He was always, "Gareth, you'll never amount to anything.
0:35:02 > 0:35:05"You'll never do anything with your life."
0:35:05 > 0:35:09And I said to him, "Mark my words... That's your job."
0:35:12 > 0:35:17I'm moody. I'm a bit melancholic.
0:35:17 > 0:35:22Sometimes I feel alone in the universe like a tiny spec of nothing in an ocean of emptiness.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24AUDIENCE: Aww!
0:35:24 > 0:35:26Thank you.
0:35:26 > 0:35:29And then I have a cup of tea and a KitKat and feel much better.
0:35:31 > 0:35:32It's just low blood sugar.
0:35:32 > 0:35:34That's all it was.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37I thought I was deep. I was just peckish.
0:35:40 > 0:35:45I was a morbid kid. I got into trouble for saying to my RE teacher,
0:35:45 > 0:35:47"All right, if heaven's so brilliant,
0:35:47 > 0:35:50"Why don't we all just kill ourselves and go there?"
0:35:53 > 0:35:59If a ten-year-old boy said that to you, would that encourage you to take your own life?
0:35:59 > 0:36:02No, she must have been on the brink anyway.
0:36:12 > 0:36:19So I suppose the big news in my life is that two years ago, my wife and I had a little boy.
0:36:19 > 0:36:21AUDIENCE: Aww!
0:36:21 > 0:36:22Thank you.
0:36:22 > 0:36:26He's a good one.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28We're pleased with him.
0:36:28 > 0:36:32You know when you get something new, you compare it to the ones other people have got?
0:36:32 > 0:36:36Well, there's some freaky-looking babies out there,
0:36:36 > 0:36:38but he's a good one. We're going to keep him definitely.
0:36:40 > 0:36:44He's by far the best thing that's ever happened as a result of one of my bodily functions.
0:36:45 > 0:36:50His name is Ethan Richards, not a bad name.
0:36:50 > 0:36:56If we had a girl, I wanted to call her Adele after...you know, my laptop.
0:36:59 > 0:37:05I realises I had a negative attitude about babies, about children.
0:37:05 > 0:37:08I've been prejudiced against children is the truth of it.
0:37:08 > 0:37:12People worry about things like asylum seekers and immigrants.
0:37:12 > 0:37:16I don't worry about that. I think that's a lot of racist nonsense.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19I think, "What about babies?"
0:37:19 > 0:37:23They come here, they don't speak the language...
0:37:25 > 0:37:29..start claiming benefits as soon as they get here.
0:37:29 > 0:37:35They won't wear the same clothes or eat the same food. They have to have their own special shops.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40Also we let as many of them in here as they want...
0:37:40 > 0:37:45as soon as we try to get to where they came from, very strict border controls in that direction.
0:37:54 > 0:37:57So I thought I'd end with a song.
0:37:57 > 0:37:59How do you feel about that?
0:37:59 > 0:38:01SPORADIC WHOOPING
0:38:07 > 0:38:13They put a special bit of tape for me to know how low to put the mic stand.
0:38:13 > 0:38:17If anyone's worried about whether the mic stand's high enough...
0:38:17 > 0:38:19..'tis.
0:38:22 > 0:38:25So, ladies and gentlemen, this...
0:38:25 > 0:38:27is the omnichord.
0:38:27 > 0:38:29AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:38:29 > 0:38:30Yeah.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33Omni means really, chord means brilliant.
0:38:36 > 0:38:39I'm going to show you what this baby can do.
0:38:40 > 0:38:44The omnichord is a three-pronged attack on music.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46The first thing it does is the beat.
0:38:46 > 0:38:49BEAT STARTS
0:38:52 > 0:38:55The second thing it does is the chord sound.
0:38:55 > 0:38:57CHORDS START
0:38:58 > 0:39:00Eh?
0:39:02 > 0:39:06There's one more thing this baby does.
0:39:06 > 0:39:07Are you ready for this?
0:39:07 > 0:39:11This metallic strip here makes a harp sound.
0:39:13 > 0:39:15MELODY STARTS
0:39:17 > 0:39:19Oh, yeah.
0:39:20 > 0:39:24# My friend Dave is a little bit square
0:39:24 > 0:39:25# Just like a fridge
0:39:28 > 0:39:30# My friend Dave hasn't got any hair
0:39:30 > 0:39:32# Just like a fridge
0:39:35 > 0:39:38# Dave doesn't listen to what you say
0:39:38 > 0:39:42# He likes to pretend that everything's OK
0:39:42 > 0:39:46# And Dave keeps things the same way every day
0:39:46 > 0:39:49# Just like a fridge
0:39:50 > 0:39:52# Just like a fridge
0:39:55 > 0:39:57# My friend Dave is white
0:39:57 > 0:39:59# Just like a fridge
0:40:02 > 0:40:05# Dave doesn't wash so he gently hums
0:40:05 > 0:40:07# Just like a fridge
0:40:09 > 0:40:13# His light comes on when you open the door
0:40:13 > 0:40:17# You can only use Dave for what Dave is for
0:40:17 > 0:40:20# And Dave at a party is a bit of a bore
0:40:20 > 0:40:23# Just like a fridge
0:40:25 > 0:40:27# Just like a fridge
0:40:30 > 0:40:32# My friend Dave is cold inside
0:40:32 > 0:40:34# Just like a fridge
0:40:37 > 0:40:40# But he's warm if you touch him on the back
0:40:40 > 0:40:41# Just like a fridge
0:40:44 > 0:40:47# Dave's dad is called Eric and his mum is Joanne
0:40:47 > 0:40:51# Whilst travelling in East Asia their romance began
0:40:51 > 0:40:55# And that's how come Dave was made in Japan
0:40:55 > 0:40:58# Just like a fridge
0:40:59 > 0:41:02# Just like a fridge
0:41:04 > 0:41:07# We thought that Dave would always be alone
0:41:07 > 0:41:09# Just like a fridge
0:41:11 > 0:41:14# Cos Dave is not very good at talking to girls
0:41:14 > 0:41:16# Just like a fridge
0:41:18 > 0:41:22# The he found someone to call his own
0:41:22 > 0:41:25# We finally met her when he brought her home
0:41:25 > 0:41:29# But she couldn't quite fit into the living room
0:41:31 > 0:41:34# She was massive
0:41:34 > 0:41:36# Just like a fridge
0:41:37 > 0:41:40# Just like a fridge
0:41:41 > 0:41:43# Just like a fridge. #
0:41:44 > 0:41:46BEAT STOPS
0:41:46 > 0:41:49CHEERING
0:41:56 > 0:42:00Thank you very much. You've been lovely. I've been Gareth Richards. Goodbye.
0:42:03 > 0:42:05Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Gareth Richards.
0:42:08 > 0:42:12Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for watching Good News.
0:42:12 > 0:42:15Have a fantastic Saturday night. Farewell.
0:42:30 > 0:42:33Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:42:33 > 0:42:36E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk