0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:19 > 0:00:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Hello! Thank you very much indeed.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Hello.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Hello. Welcome to my Good News "Best Of" show.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35We've covered a lot of stories this series,
0:00:35 > 0:00:37and here are some of my favourite ones.
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Enjoy!
0:00:39 > 0:00:43Is it me, or are Jeremy Paxman's interviews getting too harsh?
0:00:43 > 0:00:45You actually are impotent.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47LAUGHTER
0:00:47 > 0:00:51I tell you what, teaching standards in this country have gone to shit.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Two-plus-two is vagina.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Vagina and vagina.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59LAUGHTER
0:01:01 > 0:01:03I'm pretty sure it's four.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06This is one of my favourite clips of all time.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Check out the advice an old Lady gave Ed Miliband
0:01:09 > 0:01:11on how to deal with the Tories.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16I know, I know. We've got to do something about them, don't we?
0:01:18 > 0:01:22Well, I don't think that's a good idea, but we need to get them out.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26We definitely need to get them out. Take care.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32And finally, a word of advice, don't blow your nose near a child.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34They really don't like it.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37CHILD GIGGLES
0:01:37 > 0:01:39SOMEONE BLOWS NOSE
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Now, you may remember, last week we had the bug that looked like Elvis.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52The week before, we had the Hitler house.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54CHEERING AND WHOOPING
0:01:54 > 0:01:59Incredibly, the papers have come up with another. This week, it's...
0:01:59 > 0:02:02a tree that looks like a rock guitarist.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- Do you want to see it? You know you want to.- AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:02:09 > 0:02:11It's brilliant, isn't it?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13To be honest, we shouldn't be surprised.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16If you look hard enough, most trees look like someone.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Some look like politicians.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Some look like film stars.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25And if you look hard enough,
0:02:25 > 0:02:28you can even find trees that look like Katie Price.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30LAUGHTER
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Sometimes I truly love the news in this country.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42Have a look at the major crimewave that swept through Norwich.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Donkeys at a sanctuary in Norwich
0:02:44 > 0:02:47have had more reason than usual to be downhearted.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Their favourite toys were recently stolen.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Forget the recession, someone's stolen a toy from a donkey.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59It gets even better - check out what their favourite toys are.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Why are there donkeys playing with space hoppers?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Surely they prefer Buckaroo?
0:03:09 > 0:03:10LAUGHTER
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Reminds me of Grandad.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I miss him so much.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17To be honest, it's little wonder they're upset.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Check out their owner's hat.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22So we put an appeal out on the news
0:03:22 > 0:03:25to see if anybody has one in their garden shed,
0:03:25 > 0:03:26they could kindly donate.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Why has she got our dead brother on her head?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Have you heard the latest news about the Liberals?
0:03:38 > 0:03:42A company in Suffolk have planned a musical about Nick Clegg.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Apparently they're going to call it Clegg - The Musical.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Surely they should have gone for
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Nick And His Amazing Technicolour Bullshit.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I was so excited by this, I couldn't wait.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55So, I've decided to write my own version.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:04:31 > 0:04:32Whatever you're doing, stop!
0:04:32 > 0:04:35You are about to have your mind blown to smithereens.
0:04:35 > 0:04:40This is one of the most amazing news stories I've ever seen.
0:04:40 > 0:04:45Take a look at this giant egg from a farm in southeastern Iowa.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47The egg came from a chicken named Aussie,
0:04:47 > 0:04:48and it measures more than three inches long
0:04:48 > 0:04:51and weighs more than four ounces.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Look how it compares with a normal egg.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Holy shit! Are you getting this?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Look at the size of that egg!
0:04:59 > 0:05:03You're probably thinking, and quite rightly, how did this make the news?
0:05:03 > 0:05:06I reckon it's because it was found by Cletus off the Simpsons.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14"I was trembling.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17"It was the biggest egg I'd ever seen.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21"I knew something was up because the chicken was all like..."
0:05:25 > 0:05:27So, did he keep this discovery to himself?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43I love him. He took his egg and showed it to complete strangers.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46"Mr Fireman, look at this egg!
0:05:46 > 0:05:48"Mr Mayor, we've got to celebrate.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52"We should call today... I don't know, Big Egg Day, or some shit."
0:05:52 > 0:05:57'As for Aussie, he says she took a week off before laying her next egg.'
0:05:57 > 0:06:00"She had to, her ass looked like a yawning hippo."
0:06:00 > 0:06:01LAUGHTER
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Here's a headline I never thought I'd see...
0:06:07 > 0:06:11A bloke from Melbourne has been attaching a parrot
0:06:11 > 0:06:15to his windscreen wipers and taking him for a drive.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- Do you want to see the parrot in action?- AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20'One of the videos was shot in a Melbourne backstreet.'
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Hey, go Angus!
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Good boy, mate!
0:06:26 > 0:06:28"I love it out here,
0:06:28 > 0:06:32"the wind blowing through my feathers.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35"You know, I don't think I've ever been happier."
0:06:35 > 0:06:38'Another, this one, at around 100 kilometres an hour
0:06:38 > 0:06:41'in the breakdown lane of a busy Melbourne freeway.'
0:06:41 > 0:06:43"Fuuuck!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45"STOP THE CAR!
0:06:45 > 0:06:47"STOP THE FUCKING CAR!"
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Poor parrot!
0:06:52 > 0:06:57"Who's a pretty boy then?" "Not me, I've got flies in me teeth!"
0:06:57 > 0:07:00"Beak, not teeth. I haven't actually...
0:07:00 > 0:07:02"I haven't actually got any teeth...
0:07:02 > 0:07:04"I'm a parrot."
0:07:05 > 0:07:07I'd do the next joke if I were you, Russ,
0:07:07 > 0:07:10you look like a dick on national telly.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14The bloke is an absolute moron. Look what he gets angry about.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18I'm sick of people looking at me and laughing as I'm driving down the street.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Well, don't Sellotape a parrot to your car then!
0:07:21 > 0:07:24As you can imagine, the authorities want this to stop.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26'And you're telling people it'll stop?'
0:07:26 > 0:07:29No, I won't say it'll stop. I'm going to think about it.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31"Yeah, I'm going to think about it.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34"But then, in fairness, I said I'd think about going to the dentist."
0:07:36 > 0:07:39To be honest, the parrot should count himself lucky.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41There are worse cars to be attached to.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44# It's Friday, Friday
0:07:44 > 0:07:46# Gotta get down on Friday
0:07:46 > 0:07:50# Everybody's looking forward To the weekend, weekend... #
0:07:50 > 0:07:53HE MIMES ALONG TO SONG
0:07:53 > 0:07:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Blimey, look at the latest thing
0:08:04 > 0:08:06the Chinese government have banned...
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Just when you thought that the Chinese censors
0:08:08 > 0:08:10couldn't get any more sensitive,
0:08:10 > 0:08:13the authorities here have decided to ban time travel
0:08:13 > 0:08:15from all television programmes.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Their version of Doctor Who is going to be shit.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21LAUGHTER
0:08:21 > 0:08:26"Let's get the Daleks!" "I can't." "Someone's clamped the TARDIS."
0:08:28 > 0:08:30So, why are China doing this?
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Madness. It'd be great to rewrite history.
0:08:41 > 0:08:42If I could travel back in time,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45I would prevent the world's greatest evil.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Mr and Mrs Bieber!
0:08:54 > 0:08:59For the sake of humanity, use this condom.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:09:01 > 0:09:04We don't want you having a baby.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05- BOTH: Baby? - Baby.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07BOTH: Oh.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Look at the latest drug craze sweeping America.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Young people have reportedly been snorting or smoking
0:09:15 > 0:09:16common bath salts
0:09:16 > 0:09:19in an attempt to get high.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20How does it work?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Are there kids just walking up and down,
0:09:22 > 0:09:24"Yo, man, got any Radox?"
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Just getting in the bath, "Oh, I feel so rejuvenated!"
0:09:27 > 0:09:31I tell you what, I would not fancy tripping in the bath.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Stop it! Stop it!
0:09:34 > 0:09:39Look at you, having a bath, talking to a duck.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42You used to be on Mock The Week!
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Too freaky!
0:09:44 > 0:09:45HE GASPS
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Look at the size of my egg!
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Aaargh!
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Did anyone else see that old bloke talking about vajazzling?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02If it's groomed and quite smart,
0:10:02 > 0:10:05then it can be quite...enhancing.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08But if it's a mess, you think, "Yuck".
0:10:08 > 0:10:10I mean, what's it got inside there?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Did anyone else hear that bloke get his cock out, mid-interview?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18We're not royalists...
0:10:18 > 0:10:20ZIP! ..simple.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25And finally, I think this guy's in love with David Cameron.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27It's a system so unfair...
0:10:27 > 0:10:34# I want to know what love is
0:10:34 > 0:10:38# I want you to show me
0:10:38 > 0:10:43# I want to feel what love is... #
0:10:47 > 0:10:49What an incredible week of news.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51First, you couldn't have missed this...
0:10:51 > 0:10:54The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge show their love to each other
0:10:54 > 0:10:55and the world.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Married in Westminster Abbey with friends,
0:10:58 > 0:11:01family and dignitaries from across the globe.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04It was a wonderful day. Two people in love, the sun was shining,
0:11:04 > 0:11:06we got a day off.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09As ever, the British public were very reserved.
0:11:09 > 0:11:14- Oh, look at William looking at her. Look.- It's magical!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16It is absolutely magical!
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. - Beautiful.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21I am speechless. Speechless.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25CHEERING
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Kate! William!
0:11:28 > 0:11:32I love that. One minute she's speechless, next minute,
0:11:32 > 0:11:34"Aaaaah!"
0:11:34 > 0:11:38It wasn't just the public, even the police got into the party spirit.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42CROWD CHEERS
0:11:43 > 0:11:44CROWD CHEERS
0:11:46 > 0:11:49CROWD CHEERS
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Mind you, it wasn't hard to get them going.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55The crowd cheered anything from the weather to a road sweeper.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59There's a 10% chance of a shower during the service itself...
0:11:59 > 0:12:00CHEERING
0:12:04 > 0:12:06CROWD CHEERS
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- AUDIENCE LAUGHS - "Hooray!
0:12:08 > 0:12:11"It's like a car AND a Hoover."
0:12:11 > 0:12:13LAUGHTER
0:12:15 > 0:12:16It's great, innit?
0:12:16 > 0:12:20Mind you, that was nothing compared to the moment Chris Hollins
0:12:20 > 0:12:22was accidentally racist.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Have we had a super day today?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- CROWD CHEERS - I've had a great day, thank you.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30- Are you going home?- No.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Did anyone else notice the Queen didn't join in
0:12:38 > 0:12:40when they sang the national anthem?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42I reckon it's because she's so bored of it.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44She's probably there, going,
0:12:44 > 0:12:49"Oh! If I had a pound for every time they played that song.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51"Oh, I do!
0:12:51 > 0:12:53"Nice one!"
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I bet she makes up lyrics in her head.
0:12:56 > 0:13:01# I'm missing Bargain Hunt
0:13:01 > 0:13:05# What shall I have for lunch?
0:13:05 > 0:13:08# Maybe some chips
0:13:08 > 0:13:09# Doo-doo-doo-doo
0:13:09 > 0:13:13# Who would I rather be?
0:13:13 > 0:13:17# SpongeBob or Mr T?
0:13:17 > 0:13:21# I want a butler space monkey
0:13:21 > 0:13:26# Cos I'm the Queen. #
0:13:26 > 0:13:28APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Now, this is the part of the show
0:13:38 > 0:13:40I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44There's a mystery guest who's been in the news and I have to figure out who it is.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46So, please welcome my mystery guest!
0:13:46 > 0:13:50APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:14:05 > 0:14:07LAUGHTER
0:14:11 > 0:14:15- Welcome.- Hello. - I'm guessing your name's Jackie.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16That's me. Big Jackie.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18So, Big Jackie...
0:14:18 > 0:14:22If I close my eyes, it sounds like I'm on a chat line.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Hello, is that Big Jackie?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27666 9595.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Mum, are you on the line?
0:14:32 > 0:14:33Are you a ninja or something?
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Why did you say that?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Because you threatened to beat me up.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Have I given the secret away?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44I don't know!
0:14:49 > 0:14:54I'm nervous of the next question in case I ask the wrong one and you knock me out.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56- I can easily do that.- OK.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:58 > 0:15:00My name's Sam Sam the Bubble Man.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Sam Sam the Bubble Man.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05And I'm seven times Guinness World Record-holding bubbleologist.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Bubbleologist?
0:15:06 > 0:15:10When I think of bubbles, I think of being five and just having...
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Remember those ones, just like that, and just going, "Aaah".
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I'm not going to hold it. Look, it's terrifying.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19Will somebody have a go for me?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:15:21 > 0:15:23- Do you want to have a go? You pretend to be me.- OK.- Sweet.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26What's that?!
0:15:26 > 0:15:28What the fuck is this?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31What's that?! I've never done that!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33With a little bit of polish, we...
0:15:33 > 0:15:36# We can make it through tonight... #
0:15:36 > 0:15:41Russell, you never know, you might. There are princesses available, Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44We might have the wedding of Princess Beatrice and Russell Howard.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48I've met her. My brother offered her Vaseline.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52No, no, no. Sorry. He did it the correct way.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53Open, twist, move.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57It was before the London Marathon and you chafe terribly
0:15:57 > 0:15:59and he went, "Would you like some?"
0:15:59 > 0:16:05And she... actually, she was very, "Da, da, da, da, da-da, da-da-da-da".
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Lovely(!) That's one for dinner parties.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:13 > 0:16:16This is the way we do it for Guinness.
0:16:16 > 0:16:21And if you want to get lots of bubbles in a bubble.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Now I'm going to get you to catch a bubble on top.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- OK.- Catch your bubble. Watch my lips.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:37 > 0:16:42I'm going to be showing you some of the things I teach, which is self defence.
0:16:42 > 0:16:47- Now, I won't throw you about like jujitsu because you wouldn't know how to fall, would you?- No.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- So...- Come over here. I'm going to get beaten up.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Right. Grab here again.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00We're not really meant to do this, but...
0:17:04 > 0:17:06- So grab there.- Yeah.- Oh, no!
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Strike!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Ooh, let's get it off.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25I don't like that dress anyway.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:29 > 0:17:31We know what's happening - I'm getting beaten up again.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36- Have you ever arm wrestled before? - I'm getting beaten up yet again.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Oh, the imagination of my production team(!)
0:17:40 > 0:17:42"He should get beaten up again!"
0:17:42 > 0:17:44I'll show you a few techniques.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45Just punch me in the face.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Why do we have to fight? Can we not cuddle?
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Just sit down.
0:17:48 > 0:17:53- You sit down. - I don't want to be a sumo wrestler!
0:17:55 > 0:17:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:59 > 0:18:02I'll just pull you around.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03You'll be all right!
0:18:04 > 0:18:05Stop it!
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Oh, stop it, you naughty boy!
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Stop it!
0:18:16 > 0:18:21- First technique...- You smell lovely. - Thank you.- Aaah! Yeah!
0:18:21 > 0:18:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:25 > 0:18:27You left me there longer than you had to.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30But you're such a nice boy.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- Well, we could try to put YOU in a bubble.- We could do, yeah.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:38 > 0:18:43OK. Admit it, it's got to be better than being beaten up my random women.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Yes, it is. Absolutely.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48It'd be lovely if I died in this bubble, eh?
0:18:48 > 0:18:53So what we're going to do to try and make it big is, I want you to stand a little bit to your left.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57You're bigger than I thought, you know.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03By the way, you can also make bubbles with your hands.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Just put me in a fucking bubble.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08APPLAUSE
0:19:10 > 0:19:14Here we go. On the count of three. One, two, three.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:19 > 0:19:21You've been wonderful.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23You'll always remember me, won't you?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Yeah. Every time I see a lollipop lady, I'll go like that.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27HE SCREAMS
0:19:28 > 0:19:32I'll go round! I'll go round.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35She's mental!
0:19:36 > 0:19:39- But I'll always remember you. - Can I go now?- Of course you can.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42We're going to give you a round of applause and then you can run back.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Ladies and gentlemen.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Ena the Warrior Princess!
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Mystery guest!
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Sam Sam the Bubble Man!
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for our mystery guest.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Every series we do, we have to cut out a lot of stories from the show.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Here are a few of those unseen bits. Hope you enjoy.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20I'll tell you a secret. Two of my friends are here
0:20:20 > 0:20:23and I looked over to them and one of them was laid down there
0:20:23 > 0:20:25and the other was going like that.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Trying to concentrate and your mates are there going...
0:20:34 > 0:20:39Have a look at a novel way prisoners in America are getting high.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Three inmates in New Jersey tonight charged in a clever scheme.
0:20:42 > 0:20:47They are accused of using children's colouring books to smuggle drugs into the prison.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Basically, they rub drugs onto kids drawings.
0:20:50 > 0:20:57Much of these colourings on these sheets is actually a narcotic called suboxone. It's made into paste,
0:20:57 > 0:21:01thinned to look like paint, then smeared on drawings
0:21:01 > 0:21:05that are sent to inmates who can lick the substance to get high.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09I'd love to have seen that in The Shawshank Redemption.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13"I remember the first time I saw Andy. He was licking a drawing of Daffy Duck.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18"I was off my tits sucking Scooby Doo."
0:21:20 > 0:21:23That sounded weirder than I meant it to.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24It's madness, isn't it?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Getting high while staring at kids' cartoons, that'd be terrifying.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29What if you were on a bad trip?
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Hi, Russell!
0:21:34 > 0:21:36PONY LAUGHS
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Hello!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40PONY SCREAMS
0:21:43 > 0:21:45I told you not to leave Mock The Week.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47HE SCREAMS
0:21:51 > 0:21:55Have you seen the latest doll hitting the shelves?
0:21:55 > 0:21:57It's called the Breast Milk Baby,
0:21:57 > 0:22:00and the toy company's video demonstration on its website
0:22:00 > 0:22:02shows how it works.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Now, its website says the doll is designed
0:22:04 > 0:22:07to teach little girls how to breastfeed.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11Breastfeeding baby?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16A doll that teaches you how to breastfeed?
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Cos that's what you need to know when you're five.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Why not go the whole hog and just get a doll that hands out sex tips?
0:22:22 > 0:22:26The kid pulls a cord and it says, "When you're giving a blow job, play with his balls".
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Mum! Mum, Barbie's gone weird!
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Mind you, there are worse children's toys.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36That's ET's finger.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38LAUGHTER
0:22:39 > 0:22:42I must have missed that bit of the film.
0:22:42 > 0:22:47"Elliot. Elliot, I'm not ready to go home yet".
0:22:48 > 0:22:51"Nobody's going to believe you in the morning".
0:22:52 > 0:22:55"The alien. Where's the alien? He's gone!"
0:23:01 > 0:23:04It's so hard reading in autocue cos my lazy eye's like,
0:23:04 > 0:23:05"I want to go over there".
0:23:05 > 0:23:08APPLAUSE
0:23:08 > 0:23:09Horrible, right?
0:23:14 > 0:23:16There you go.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24- WOMAN:- Can you sign it?
0:23:24 > 0:23:25- Can I sign it?- Please.
0:23:25 > 0:23:32It's probably voodoo and you're like, "Ha ha ha. Ha-ha. Da-ha-ha."
0:23:32 > 0:23:33How weird is this?
0:23:33 > 0:23:37For the people at home, what's happened, during my show,
0:23:37 > 0:23:41a young lady has turned up and started knitting, right?
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Already fairly weird. She's a young woman.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47"In case it's crap, I'll knit."
0:23:47 > 0:23:51She said she was going to knit this. Presumably it started out as Prince William.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55No, Kate Middleton's head! >
0:23:55 > 0:23:59It was meant to be Kate Middleton, but instead...
0:23:59 > 0:24:01we have me.
0:24:01 > 0:24:06But I've fallen on such hard times, I can no longer afford shoes.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Over in Siberia, there's been a major discovery.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Two students found the creature. They even recorded a video.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31Well, it looks like Elliot's dad kicked the shit out of ET.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36It was pretty amazing. Everyone thought they'd discovered an alien,
0:24:36 > 0:24:39then some scientists turned up and found this out.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46The students were taking the piss. Isn't that great?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48"Did you pass your degree?"
0:24:48 > 0:24:50"No, I made ET out of toast."
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Do you reckon this happens a lot in Russia?
0:24:53 > 0:24:57"Oh, look - Bigfoot. Oh, no, is Scotch egg."
0:24:57 > 0:24:59The bread alien isn't the only UFO story in the news.
0:24:59 > 0:25:05There's a bloke in America who wants to build a place for aliens to park their ships.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08And as you can imagine, oh, he's completely normal(!)
0:25:08 > 0:25:10He goes by UFO Phil and he's a...
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Scientist of sorts,
0:25:13 > 0:25:14alien translator...
0:25:14 > 0:25:17And a pretty amazing bullshitter.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Listen to why he reckons the aliens haven't visited.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26They're up there now and they would love to come down. They have no docking stations here.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30They're not coming, they've got no docking stations.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Like there's aliens going, "I would visit Earth, but the parking is a nightmare.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40"And don't get me started on the congestion charge!"
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Then again maybe I'm the fool. I mean, UFO Phil has actually met them.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- He will be the leader of the good aliens.- OK.- Zaxon with a Z.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- Is he actually blue?- Oh, yes.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52I would not take artistic liberties with Zaxon.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58"I would not take artistic liberties with Zaxon!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01"Can you imagine him calling me up?
0:26:01 > 0:26:05" 'Hey, Phil, you bitch, you made me look fat.'
0:26:05 > 0:26:08"OMG! I'm so sorry, Zaxon.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11"You're not fat, you're cuddly."
0:26:11 > 0:26:15So You're probably thinking the locals must think this guy is a nutter.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19Guess again. Some of them want to work at the docking station.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Aim for the stars, mate.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28"Wow, aliens we can learn more about their culture."
0:26:28 > 0:26:32"Yeah, and I can wash their fucking cars."
0:26:32 > 0:26:36Not everyone is in love like Wills and Kate. Some of you may need this.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Do you ever wish you could make an ex jealous on Facebook
0:26:39 > 0:26:41or fool your friends into thinking
0:26:41 > 0:26:44you're in a happy relationship? Well, now you can.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47A new service called Cloud Girlfriend helps guys who aren't ready to admit
0:26:47 > 0:26:49that they're single.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51It allows users to create the perfect girlfriend
0:26:51 > 0:26:55who will post on their wall and make all other social media moves
0:26:55 > 0:26:58so it seems like the guy really does have a girlfriend.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02Basically, this is for depressed blokes who've been dumped.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04The trouble is, what if you get spotted out?
0:27:04 > 0:27:05"All right, Bob?
0:27:05 > 0:27:09"It says on Facebook you're having a romantic meal with your girlfriend.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13"So why are you outside crying in your pants?"
0:27:13 > 0:27:17Or even worse, what if you commit suicide and the programme carries on?
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Your mate's going, "You know Bob died?
0:27:19 > 0:27:22"Yeah, well, his girlfriend is a sick bitch!
0:27:22 > 0:27:27"On his wall, capital letters, 'Just gave Bob the best blow job ever.'
0:27:28 > 0:27:32"What's wrong with her? He's been dead three weeks."
0:27:32 > 0:27:35to be honest, it'd be easy to tell which posts are fake
0:27:35 > 0:27:38because their girlfriend will be stupidly nice on his wall.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41"You're amazing. I love you so much."
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Real couples aren't like that,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45real couples are like this.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58This one's even better, right?
0:28:13 > 0:28:16It's Saturday night, which means it's time for my stand-up guest,
0:28:16 > 0:28:21so, ladies and gentlemen, please go wild and crazy for the brilliant Mr Jason Cook!
0:28:21 > 0:28:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Oh, what a wonderful welcome. Hello!
0:28:29 > 0:28:31- AUDIENCE:- Hello!
0:28:31 > 0:28:33- Are you well?- Yes! - Excellent, excellent.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36I'm going to talk about fear a little bit tonight.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39People say this is a scary job. It can be. It really can be.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Fear is a wonderful thing. I did a show about fear.
0:28:41 > 0:28:45One of the biggest fears we have is spiders. Who's afraid of spiders?
0:28:45 > 0:28:46Usually the most popular one.
0:28:46 > 0:28:50I asked this in a show once. I said to a guy, are you afraid of spiders?
0:28:50 > 0:28:53He was the campest guy I've ever met in my life.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56I don't mind saying "camp". Camp's a wonderful thing.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59I am a camp man. I'm a straight man, but I can do this...
0:29:01 > 0:29:03You want jazz hands?
0:29:03 > 0:29:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:09 > 0:29:12Jazz hands difficult to do, my big friend, of course,
0:29:12 > 0:29:14a man of your size - perhaps spirit fingers.
0:29:14 > 0:29:15LAUGHTER
0:29:15 > 0:29:18This guy put his hand up, I said, "Are you afraid of spiders?"
0:29:18 > 0:29:20And he went, "Yes...but no."
0:29:20 > 0:29:21LAUGHTER
0:29:21 > 0:29:25I said, "It's an either/or question. You either are or you're not."
0:29:25 > 0:29:26This is exactly what he said,
0:29:26 > 0:29:30"Spiders I don't mind, but daddy longlegs can fuck off."
0:29:30 > 0:29:31LAUGHTER
0:29:35 > 0:29:37I said, "Why can daddy longlegs fuck off?"
0:29:37 > 0:29:40He said, "Because they have no concept of personal space."
0:29:41 > 0:29:45This job can be scary. I do this job all over the world.
0:29:45 > 0:29:49I was doing a gig in Glasgow, I said, "What's the perfect word in a Glasgow accent?"
0:29:49 > 0:29:52This voice in the darkness went, "Murder."
0:29:52 > 0:29:53LAUGHTER
0:29:57 > 0:30:00I like this show, it's one of my favourite TV shows.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02We live in scary times. Fear all around us.
0:30:02 > 0:30:06You switch on the television these days and it basically says, "Don't leave the house."
0:30:06 > 0:30:09You switch on the news, it goes, "Don't leave the house."
0:30:09 > 0:30:13"Why not?" "Bird flu infected asylum seekers are coming over to force feed junk food to our children
0:30:13 > 0:30:16"to make some giant obesity crisis. The kids will get so fat they'll sit on the buses,
0:30:16 > 0:30:20"the buses will use more petrol we can't pay for what with the credit crunch.
0:30:20 > 0:30:24"The sea levels will rise, the ozone layer's knackered, we're all going to die!"
0:30:24 > 0:30:27"I want to go outside, I want to go outside!"
0:30:27 > 0:30:29APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:30:32 > 0:30:33Yeah!
0:30:33 > 0:30:36"I want to go outside!" "You can't go outside." "Why not?"
0:30:36 > 0:30:40"Because you'll get stabbed by an urban fox in a fucking hoody."
0:30:41 > 0:30:46I was in Amsterdam doing some shows. Who's been to Amsterdam, by cheer?
0:30:46 > 0:30:48WHOOPING Excellent.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51Did anyone get the ferry? By cheer. CHEERING
0:30:51 > 0:30:54Oh, get the ferry from Newcastle. It's incredible. The overnight ferry.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57It's the pikiest pirate ship that's ever sailed the seven seas.
0:30:57 > 0:31:02It could sink and you could make life-rafts out of shell suits. It's incredible.
0:31:02 > 0:31:06I was in Amsterdam and Dutch comics don't talk to the audience.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09What they do is they do their jokes and leave. They go home, that's it.
0:31:09 > 0:31:14I like to mess around with the crowd, I asked them what they did, what their names were.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16They were a bit taken aback, then they got into it.
0:31:16 > 0:31:20I asked one guy what his name was and he took my legs out by just giving me his life.
0:31:20 > 0:31:24This is my advice, if you're at a comedy club, give the compere your life.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26I said, "My friend, what's your name?"
0:31:26 > 0:31:29He went, "My name is John. I am an architect, but I'm not very good at it.
0:31:29 > 0:31:35"This is my wife, she is called Anna. Our marriage is in trouble and I did not want to come here tonight."
0:31:35 > 0:31:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:31:42 > 0:31:46Then...he said, "Is that enough to be getting on with?"
0:31:47 > 0:31:49I had nothing. I had nothing at all!
0:31:49 > 0:31:51So it is wonderful to be here.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56People are too cynical, I think. Don't you think?
0:31:56 > 0:31:58I'm a Geordie. Any Geordies in?
0:31:58 > 0:32:02A WHOOP One Geordie girl? Excellent, we've got a fight on after. Way!
0:32:02 > 0:32:06I grew up in Newcastle. Newcastle's a scary town, it is.
0:32:06 > 0:32:10Have you ever been to Newcastle? Go for a night out there, it's incredible.
0:32:10 > 0:32:12I was there when the snow came before Christmas.
0:32:12 > 0:32:16Two feet deep in snow and everyone was just going on as normal.
0:32:16 > 0:32:20Just enormous blokes striding through the snow in gossamer-thin T-shirts,
0:32:20 > 0:32:25punching the snowflakes in front of them, "Hawhey, Mr Snoooo-flake!
0:32:26 > 0:32:28"Think you're cold, do ya?"
0:32:28 > 0:32:33And big herds of Geordie women - have you ever seen a herd of Geordie women in action?
0:32:33 > 0:32:36Wearing one bit of dental floss. "That's all I need!"
0:32:37 > 0:32:41If they bend over it looks like ham having an argument. Have you ever seen that?
0:32:42 > 0:32:44Travelling in packs, big packs of them.
0:32:44 > 0:32:48HE SNORTS
0:32:48 > 0:32:52Beautiful it is. Land of the corned beef leg, ever seen a good corned beef leg?
0:32:52 > 0:32:56Oh, they're just standing in chip shops, shaving each other's backs.
0:32:56 > 0:32:57HE SNORTS
0:32:57 > 0:33:00Beautiful, they're beautiful.
0:33:00 > 0:33:04All right. The best job I ever had from an audience member, I was in Sheffield.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06I said, "What do you do?" WHOOPING
0:33:06 > 0:33:10Oh, people from Sheffield! That sounded like pixies from Sheffield.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12"It's us, we're here. Jazz hands!"
0:33:12 > 0:33:16Good place, man. Best job I ever had - I said to a guy, "What do you do for a living?"
0:33:16 > 0:33:18"I'm a ventriloquist." Right?
0:33:18 > 0:33:22He had a business card, he did some for us. It was incredible, he was.
0:33:22 > 0:33:26Eventually I said to him, "Have you ever used your ventriloquism skills,
0:33:26 > 0:33:31"like, inappropriately?" He just looked at the floor and refused to answer any more questions.
0:33:31 > 0:33:37Then when his wife stood up and went, "Go on, tell them what you did."
0:33:37 > 0:33:38LAUGHTER
0:33:40 > 0:33:42What he said next stopped the gig.
0:33:42 > 0:33:44We have a term in comedy called gig-stoppers.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47It's when something random happens in the crowd. It's a human moment.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49You can never beat it on stage.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52I'll give you an example. At the Edinburgh Festival two years ago,
0:33:52 > 0:33:55I had a German guy in the front row. Any German people in?
0:33:55 > 0:33:57WHOOPS Oh, really?
0:33:57 > 0:33:59At a comedy show? Interesting. Hmm.
0:33:59 > 0:34:00LAUGHTER
0:34:00 > 0:34:03Not really the comedy show I thought I would find you at.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06GERMAN ACCENT: "How can the news be good?"
0:34:06 > 0:34:09LAUGHTER "It is unalterable fact, that is all it is."
0:34:09 > 0:34:12This German guy again took the legs out from under me.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15He stopped the gig. He was called Stefan, I'll never forget him.
0:34:15 > 0:34:20I said, "We're in the world's biggest arts festival, are you enjoying the festival so far?"
0:34:20 > 0:34:23Best German answer ever. He just looked at me and went,
0:34:23 > 0:34:26"Well, we're about to find out, aren't we?"
0:34:26 > 0:34:27LAUGHTER
0:34:30 > 0:34:32That's a lot of pressure, isn't it?
0:34:32 > 0:34:35At the end of the show, I'd involved him quite a lot, I said,
0:34:35 > 0:34:36"Did you have a good time?"
0:34:36 > 0:34:39Do you know what he said? "I'm satisfied."
0:34:39 > 0:34:42You're a good crowd. That was two years ago that happened.
0:34:42 > 0:34:45I've told that story all over the world, it's one of my favourites.
0:34:45 > 0:34:50At the Edinburgh Festival this year, the first show of my run, the first story I told was that story.
0:34:50 > 0:34:55I got to the end of it and a little voice at the back of the room went,
0:34:55 > 0:34:57"I'm ba-ack!"
0:34:57 > 0:34:59LAUGHTER
0:35:01 > 0:35:03It was him. It was Stefan, he'd come back.
0:35:03 > 0:35:07I thought, "I'm leaving him alone, I'm not going to talk to him. He'll get me again."
0:35:07 > 0:35:11So we did the show, it was great energy, everyone had a good time.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14Towards the end of the show, my ego started going, "Ask him.
0:35:15 > 0:35:20"Ask him if he likes you. You've got to ask him, he's come for the second year running."
0:35:20 > 0:35:22So I did and he got me again, ladies and gentlemen.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24I said, "Stefan, what did you think of it this year?"
0:35:24 > 0:35:27Do you know what he said? "It's of a similar standard."
0:35:27 > 0:35:29LAUGHTER
0:35:31 > 0:35:34The ventriloquist stopped the gig in a totally different way.
0:35:34 > 0:35:38If you don't think what happened was funny, imagine the atmosphere when he said it.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40This is totally true, may God strike me down.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43This was the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me at a gig.
0:35:43 > 0:35:48When the wife had said, "Tell them what you did," we all thought he'd done a sex thing in the bedroom.
0:35:48 > 0:35:52Like any man in here, I don't care how mature you believe yourself to be,
0:35:52 > 0:35:55if you could do ventriloquism, you'd make your willy talk every day.
0:35:55 > 0:35:56LAUGHTER
0:35:56 > 0:35:59It's not big, it's not clever, you just know you'd do it.
0:35:59 > 0:36:03You'd run up to your girlfriend going, "Kiss me, I'm the happy snake!"
0:36:04 > 0:36:05LAUGHTER
0:36:05 > 0:36:08But it wasn't that, it was something so much darker.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11I went, "Come on, you've got to tell us,
0:36:11 > 0:36:14"when did you use your ventriloquism skills inappropriately?"
0:36:14 > 0:36:18That's when he looked at the floor, pointed at his wife and said,
0:36:18 > 0:36:20"At her dad's funeral."
0:36:20 > 0:36:21LAUGHTER
0:36:27 > 0:36:29Now, I'm on stage when this is happening.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32I'm freaking out, I'm freaking out.
0:36:32 > 0:36:35"What'll I do? I'll just keep asking questions, that's all I can do."
0:36:35 > 0:36:38I said, "It wasn't the old classic, was it?" He went, "Yeah,
0:36:38 > 0:36:41"I don't want to be in the box, let me out of the box!"
0:36:41 > 0:36:42LAUGHTER
0:36:49 > 0:36:51Your job, that's an important thing.
0:36:51 > 0:36:53That's what you'll get asked in a comedy club.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56I'll ask the audience what they think the best job in the world is.
0:36:56 > 0:37:00Can anyone suggest a job? If you could do anything in the world, what would you do?
0:37:00 > 0:37:02My job?
0:37:02 > 0:37:05Hang on, what was that again?
0:37:05 > 0:37:07< Penis model!
0:37:07 > 0:37:09Penis model.
0:37:09 > 0:37:10LAUGHTER
0:37:10 > 0:37:11MAN CHEERS
0:37:12 > 0:37:13Well...
0:37:13 > 0:37:16to be honest, you look like a cock from here.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:37:24 > 0:37:26Penis model!
0:37:26 > 0:37:27LAUGHTER
0:37:27 > 0:37:29Do the walk, do the walk.
0:37:30 > 0:37:32Anybody else? I like the suggestions.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34- WOMAN:- Ninja! - Ninja! That was...
0:37:34 > 0:37:39I've got some enemies, I've got some issues. Yeah, ninja. You like me now, Dad?
0:37:40 > 0:37:43The best answer I've had so far was in Newcastle,
0:37:43 > 0:37:47I said, "What's the best job in the world?" And this really dour Geordie bloke went,
0:37:47 > 0:37:49"Bomb disposal expert."
0:37:49 > 0:37:51LAUGHTER
0:37:53 > 0:37:56I said, "Why is that?" His answer was brilliant. He said,
0:37:56 > 0:37:58"Well, you know, if you think about it,
0:37:58 > 0:38:01"you never truly know if you have a bad day, do you?"
0:38:01 > 0:38:03LAUGHTER
0:38:05 > 0:38:07APPLAUSE
0:38:11 > 0:38:14Before I go, I'll give you a joke you can take away with you.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16Do you want a joke to take away, something you can do at home?
0:38:16 > 0:38:22This is brilliant. This is a couples thing to do late at night when you're in bed with your loved one,
0:38:22 > 0:38:25your wife, your girlfriend, the one the agency sent.
0:38:25 > 0:38:27LAUGHTER
0:38:31 > 0:38:35This is it, I'm lying in bed with my Claire, and it's absolutely pitch black.
0:38:35 > 0:38:39You know when something's so dark and so quiet you can almost reach out and touch it?
0:38:39 > 0:38:42You know that little voice we all have,
0:38:42 > 0:38:45you know the one that lives in the back of your head, that goes,
0:38:45 > 0:38:48"How funny would it be..."
0:38:48 > 0:38:49LAUGHTER
0:38:49 > 0:38:52I'm lying there with Claire, the voice went,
0:38:52 > 0:38:55"I've thought of the funniest thing ever...
0:38:55 > 0:38:58"We'll talk about this for years to come!"
0:38:58 > 0:39:03Try this, I just tensed up, held her really close and whispered in her ear
0:39:03 > 0:39:05"Shit!
0:39:05 > 0:39:09"Did you just hear that noise downstairs?"
0:39:09 > 0:39:10LAUGHTER
0:39:13 > 0:39:15Claire went, "Jason, Jason! What is it? What is it?"
0:39:15 > 0:39:17The voice went, "We've got her!"
0:39:17 > 0:39:18LAUGHTER
0:39:18 > 0:39:20"Do it again!"
0:39:20 > 0:39:25So I did it again, I went, "Claire, there's someone in the house."
0:39:25 > 0:39:28Claire went, "Jason, no, no, no!" I'll be honest with all of you,
0:39:28 > 0:39:30I got carried away, I was having too much fun.
0:39:30 > 0:39:34I thought, "If we're going to do this, we'll do it properly or not at all."
0:39:34 > 0:39:37So I went for it, I really went for it. I went,
0:39:37 > 0:39:42"Claire, there's someone in the house, a murderer, he's coming upstairs, he'll kill us both."
0:39:42 > 0:39:43And she punched me in the face.
0:39:43 > 0:39:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:51 > 0:39:56So, I'm sitting on the end of the bed with a sore face,
0:39:56 > 0:39:59thinking, "Claire's annoyed, we've established that much."
0:39:59 > 0:40:02I'll go to the bathroom and let her chill out for a few minutes.
0:40:02 > 0:40:06I go to the bathroom and while I'm in there I think of hilarious prank number two.
0:40:06 > 0:40:07LAUGHTER
0:40:07 > 0:40:12Which, to this day, only one of us calls "hilarious prank number two".
0:40:12 > 0:40:15I came back and got back into bed with Claire, still absolutely pitch black,
0:40:15 > 0:40:19held onto her really tightly, and Claire said,
0:40:19 > 0:40:21"Well, I hope you've calmed down."
0:40:21 > 0:40:23So I didn't say anything.
0:40:23 > 0:40:26LAUGHTER
0:40:26 > 0:40:28HE CHUCKLES
0:40:30 > 0:40:31And she went, "Jason!"
0:40:33 > 0:40:35So I didn't say anything.
0:40:37 > 0:40:39Then she went, "JASON!"
0:40:39 > 0:40:42That's when I couldn't help myself and I whispered in her ear,
0:40:42 > 0:40:44"Jason's still in the toilet."
0:40:44 > 0:40:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:58 > 0:41:01Try it, honestly, try it. It is such a good laugh. It is.
0:41:01 > 0:41:04You won't have sex for a long time.
0:41:07 > 0:41:11People say it's hard being a stand-up comedian, this is what it's like,
0:41:11 > 0:41:13I was doing a show up north, where I live, in Newcastle.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16I got a taxi there, it was about a 40-minute taxi ride,
0:41:16 > 0:41:20I got in and it was one of those taxi drivers you have all over the world,
0:41:20 > 0:41:23you get in and the taxi driver is just massive.
0:41:23 > 0:41:27It looks like he's driving a little clown car, like that.
0:41:27 > 0:41:31Like when God was handing out necks, he went, "Nah, I don't need a neck.
0:41:31 > 0:41:34"Just a fold of fat at the back of my massive head will do."
0:41:34 > 0:41:38The kind of cab where you open the door and you can smell racism. Do you know what I mean?
0:41:38 > 0:41:41How can it be a hate crime when I fucking love it?
0:41:41 > 0:41:43LAUGHTER
0:41:43 > 0:41:47He said, "What do you do?" I said I was a comedian and he said, "Are you funny?"
0:41:47 > 0:41:52I said, "Well, I'd like to think so." It's not something you ask, you don't say to a doctor, "Can you heal?"
0:41:52 > 0:41:55He said, "On telly? You been on telly?"
0:41:55 > 0:41:57And I said, "No, no."
0:41:57 > 0:42:00And he went, "Well, you're not fucking funny then, are you?"
0:42:00 > 0:42:03So I'd just like to look down the camera and say,
0:42:03 > 0:42:07if this gets on telly, if you're watching this, you bigoted fucking taxi driver,
0:42:07 > 0:42:09guess who's fucking funny now! CHEERING
0:42:09 > 0:42:11APPLAUSE
0:42:11 > 0:42:14Ladies and gents, thanks for having me, good night!
0:42:14 > 0:42:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:19 > 0:42:22Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Jason Cook!
0:42:23 > 0:42:27Thank you very much for watching Good News.
0:42:27 > 0:42:30Have a wonderful Saturday night. Farewell, my friends.
0:42:40 > 0:42:44Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:42:44 > 0:42:48E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk