0:00:02 > 0:00:07THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS ADULT HUMOUR AND SOME STRONG LANGUAGE.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Thank you very much indeed.
0:00:27 > 0:00:31Hello...hello...hello
0:00:31 > 0:00:34and welcome to my Christmas edition of Good News Best Bits.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36We've covered a lot of stories.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Here are some of my favourite ones. Enjoy!
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Probably the biggest story of the summer -
0:00:41 > 0:00:43sexual icon Eamonn Holmes
0:00:43 > 0:00:46can make women orgasm just by saying their name.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49..where she is. Morning, Isobel.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Ohh!
0:00:50 > 0:00:51LAUGHTER
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Over in Russia, this newsreader was caught in the act.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05If you're planning to interrupt someone on the news,
0:01:05 > 0:01:06this is how you do it.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11HE MIAOWS
0:01:12 > 0:01:14HE BARKS
0:01:14 > 0:01:16LAUGHTER
0:01:16 > 0:01:19HE OINKS
0:01:19 > 0:01:21A human who makes an animal noise?
0:01:21 > 0:01:25If only there was an animal who makes human noises?
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Perhaps a cat who could say "No"?
0:01:27 > 0:01:31No, no, no, no, no!
0:01:31 > 0:01:32And finally,
0:01:32 > 0:01:35it may just be me, but I think this bloke's in love.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37I don't think so, actually.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41# Never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight
0:01:41 > 0:01:44# Never seen you shine so bright
0:01:44 > 0:01:48APPLAUSE
0:01:51 > 0:01:54So the big news for me, was this.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55LAUGHTER
0:01:55 > 0:01:57I broke my hand!
0:01:57 > 0:01:58In case you didn't see what happened,
0:01:58 > 0:02:01last week, basically I broke it doing press-ups
0:02:01 > 0:02:03on a breakable stool.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06CHEERING
0:02:08 > 0:02:11LAUGHTER
0:02:11 > 0:02:12I love that.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14APPLAUSE
0:02:14 > 0:02:15Not "aaah".
0:02:15 > 0:02:20CHEERING
0:02:20 > 0:02:22I thought you were going to go "aah" and you all applauded.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24LAUGHTER
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Weird lot. Oh, look, he can barely move his hand!
0:02:27 > 0:02:29I was in agony!
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Still, you can rely on your mates in a crisis.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Here's some texts I received minutes after the news broke.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Here's one from my mate, Steve.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55And my personal favourite,
0:02:55 > 0:02:57came from my filthy toad of a brother.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03LAUGHTER
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Cheers, bruv!
0:03:06 > 0:03:08One of the saddest stories from the week
0:03:08 > 0:03:10was the death of Jimmy Savile.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13The veteran radio DJ and television presenter,
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Sir Jimmy Savile, has died.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16I was gutted. He was great.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20You don't get people like him on TV any more. He looked amazing.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Like a cross between Gandalf,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Boris Johnson and Vicky Pollard.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Now, some of you probably don't know why he was famous. Check this out.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Jim'll Fix It.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37# There must be something that you always want to do
0:03:37 > 0:03:39# The one thing that you always wanted to...
0:03:39 > 0:03:42'He was the man who made dreams come true.'
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Damn right, he did.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Basically, kids used to write to him
0:03:45 > 0:03:47and ask him to make their dreams come true,
0:03:47 > 0:03:51and back then, their dreams were insane.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54'Dear Jim, please could you fix it for me, to be a suitcase
0:03:54 > 0:03:57'and go on the luggage conveyor at an airport.'
0:03:57 > 0:04:00That is children's TV!
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Forget Dick and Dom.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03"Can I be a suitcase?"
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Damn right, you can!
0:04:05 > 0:04:10LAUGHTER
0:04:10 > 0:04:12APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:04:16 > 0:04:19"I'm a suitcase!
0:04:19 > 0:04:21"This is amazing!
0:04:21 > 0:04:24"People said I should have asked Jim to play football at Wembley.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28"Dicks!"
0:04:28 > 0:04:30The only criticism I have of Jimmy,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32he never answered my letter.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Dear Jim,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36can you fix it for me to look less like Harry Potter?
0:04:36 > 0:04:40LAUGHTER
0:04:42 > 0:04:43Mind you,
0:04:43 > 0:04:46those glasses got me a lot of ladies!
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Dinner ladies!
0:04:48 > 0:04:53Next up, it's all been kicking off at a farm in Basildon.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Police and bailiffs are now in almost total control of Dale Farm
0:04:56 > 0:05:00after storming the illegal travellers' site at dawn.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03There were violent clashes as bricks and missiles were thrown
0:05:03 > 0:05:05and the police responded with tasers.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Did anyone see the protesters on the scaffold?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11'It pretty much means that
0:05:11 > 0:05:13'the police have taken control
0:05:13 > 0:05:16'of the lion's share of Dale Farm.'
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I was watching it, thinking,
0:05:18 > 0:05:20"Where have I seen that before?"
0:05:22 > 0:05:24VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS
0:05:24 > 0:05:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Over in Europe,
0:05:31 > 0:05:33the big news was all about money.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35'Greece's political crisis continues.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39- 'Stock markets tumble. - Investors and markets panic.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40'The stakes could not be higher.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43'Prime Minister Papandreou agrees to step down.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45'Buried under Eurozone debt,
0:05:45 > 0:05:48'Italy's Prime Minister says he will resign.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51'Austerity might bring the Eurozone to its knees.'
0:05:51 > 0:05:55The leaders of the G20 met to solve the financial crisis.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57They were all totally focussed.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Well, not all of them.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06He fell asleep!
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Italy has debts of 1.6 trillion!
0:06:09 > 0:06:12And he went beddy-byes!
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Bizarrely, he's not worried about the economy or sex scandals.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20This is honestly his major concern.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29He is bringing out an album of love songs!
0:06:29 > 0:06:31His country is crumbling and he's going,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34# They call me Mr Boombastic...#
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Mind you, for all me criticising him,
0:06:36 > 0:06:39I can't wait for that album to come out.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41ITLAIAN STYLE MANDOLIN MUSIC
0:06:41 > 0:06:44MUSIC: "Sexyback" by Justin Timberlake
0:06:44 > 0:06:47'It's here! Now That's What I Call Bunga Bunga 69...
0:06:47 > 0:06:51'Berlusconi's big thumbs-up to his favourite vanga beats,
0:06:51 > 0:06:53'featuring classic love songs like...
0:06:57 > 0:06:59'and the haunting ballad...
0:07:05 > 0:07:07'Bunga Bunga 69!
0:07:07 > 0:07:10'It's Viagra for your ears!'
0:07:10 > 0:07:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Now over to Egypt
0:07:21 > 0:07:24and an insane story about a bloke who resembles a dead man.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27'An Egyptian man shares an unfortunate doppelganger,
0:07:27 > 0:07:30'executed Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein.'
0:07:30 > 0:07:32They're not lying. Check this out.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36So you're probably thinking, "Now Saddam's dead,
0:07:36 > 0:07:39"I doubt his life is that bad."
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Unbelievable, isn't it?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Nobody sees that coming!
0:07:57 > 0:07:59LAUGHTER
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Who does that bloke look like? Know what we could make him do.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Yeah!
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Saddam Hussein porn.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Can you imagine the trailer?
0:08:07 > 0:08:11'70s STYLE DISCO MUSIC
0:08:08 > 0:08:11'We thought he had weapons of mass destruction,
0:08:11 > 0:08:13'turns out he had a weapon
0:08:13 > 0:08:15'of ass destruction.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18'Saddam Hussein is...
0:08:18 > 0:08:20'The Dick-tator.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22'Coming soon!'
0:08:22 > 0:08:25APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Take a look at this sex shop in Russia.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31'Casanova 69
0:08:31 > 0:08:36'is offering kids and adults the chance to win an unspecified gift
0:08:36 > 0:08:39'if they can answer one simple question -
0:08:39 > 0:08:41'where do babies come from?'
0:08:41 > 0:08:44That's right. A Russian sex shop is offering children
0:08:44 > 0:08:46an 'unspecified gift',
0:08:46 > 0:08:49if they can tell them where babies come from.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51I mean, makes obvious sense, don't it?
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Remember when you were little,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56how much you wanted something from a sex shop?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58I remember Christmas.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Dear Santa,
0:08:59 > 0:09:03please can I have some crayons,
0:09:03 > 0:09:04a bike
0:09:04 > 0:09:08and a vibrating butt plug?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11LAUGHTER
0:09:12 > 0:09:14I never got that bike!
0:09:14 > 0:09:15LAUGHTER
0:09:15 > 0:09:17APPLAUSE
0:09:20 > 0:09:23I'm worried by this news.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25If sex shops are trying to appeal to kids,
0:09:25 > 0:09:28how long before we start seeing children's TV shows,
0:09:28 > 0:09:29like this?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Hi, kids!
0:09:32 > 0:09:34I'm Mr Dildo!
0:09:36 > 0:09:40'Where's Mr Dildo hiding today?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42'Is he in Mummy?'
0:09:43 > 0:09:45'Is he in Daddy?'
0:09:48 > 0:09:51'Where, oh where, could Mr Dildo be?'
0:09:51 > 0:09:53CROCKERY RATTLES
0:09:53 > 0:09:54LAUGHTER
0:09:54 > 0:09:57'Mr Dildo...
0:09:57 > 0:09:58'you are naughty!'
0:09:58 > 0:10:01TUBA PLAYS IN KIDS TV STYLE
0:10:01 > 0:10:04APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:10:08 > 0:10:11A new book has been published this week about X-rays,
0:10:11 > 0:10:15showing the many varied things that people have inserted into their arseholes.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17'The X-rays are all in a new book called
0:10:17 > 0:10:21'Stuck Up! 100 Objects Inserted and Ingested
0:10:21 > 0:10:23'In Places They Shouldn't Be.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27'Everything from a computer mouse to a cassette tape,
0:10:27 > 0:10:29'this string of Christmas lights,
0:10:29 > 0:10:32'and this is Barbie - but it isn't her Dream House she's in.'
0:10:32 > 0:10:35She was NOT happy!
0:10:35 > 0:10:38SCREAMING
0:10:38 > 0:10:42The worst thing - this book...
0:10:42 > 0:10:44LAUGHTER
0:10:46 > 0:10:49..this book was written by doctors.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53'It's co-authored by this emergency room physician and two other doctors.'
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Bastards!
0:10:55 > 0:10:58"Hey, Doc - you're not going to tell the world about me
0:10:58 > 0:11:01"putting a doll up my arse, are you...?" "Oh, NO...!"
0:11:01 > 0:11:04"I'd never do that."
0:11:04 > 0:11:08"Have a look at that, Dave, it's like a yawning hippo."
0:11:08 > 0:11:12So - what's the No.1 excuse people come up with in this situation?
0:11:12 > 0:11:14"I accidentally fell on an object" -
0:11:14 > 0:11:18that's probably the most common accidental story you'll hear.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21'And who hasn't sat on their glasses, really, really hard,
0:11:21 > 0:11:23'while nude(?)'
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Exactly. So - what was the doctors' favourite?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30'But the favourite found objects are action figures -
0:11:30 > 0:11:33'poor Buzz Lightyear...'
0:11:33 > 0:11:34GROANING
0:11:34 > 0:11:37"To infinity and..." What the fuck is that?!
0:11:37 > 0:11:39LAUGHTER
0:11:40 > 0:11:43"Aaaaaaaaagh!"
0:11:48 > 0:11:49"All right, Barbie?"
0:11:49 > 0:11:51LAUGHTER
0:11:51 > 0:11:54That was their favourite - THIS was my favourite.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57'A more recent X-ray displays an iPod Nano.'
0:11:57 > 0:12:01That's what happens if you play this out loud on the Tube.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04# Baby, baby, baby, ohhh... #
0:12:04 > 0:12:06"Come here, you little sod!"
0:12:08 > 0:12:11We'd all do it. We'd all do it.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14In a worrying discovery for women...
0:12:26 > 0:12:31So basically, girls, you can do whatever you want to look pretty...
0:12:31 > 0:12:36but at 10:03 in the morning, it will all fade.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38To be honest - I've noticed that myself.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42RINGING PHONES, TAPPING KEYBOARDS
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Hey... How you doin'?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00How YOU doin'?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09HE GASPS
0:13:11 > 0:13:13SHE SCREAMS HIDEOUSLY
0:13:15 > 0:13:17LAUGHTER
0:13:22 > 0:13:24What's happening?!
0:13:24 > 0:13:29I've been angry in my time, but I've never made a noise like this.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30They should be saying,
0:13:30 > 0:13:34"It's your show next month, can we put up a couple of signs for you?"
0:13:34 > 0:13:35I mean... INEFFECTUAL LAUGH
0:13:37 > 0:13:39HE MIMICS HIM
0:13:39 > 0:13:44Is it me - or do some people really fear the North of England?
0:13:44 > 0:13:48A woman from Otley has been telling how passengers screamed in terror
0:13:48 > 0:13:51as their plane tried to land at Leeds-Bradford Airport.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52LAUGHTER
0:13:52 > 0:13:57"No-o-o-o-o-o! Not Leeds!"
0:13:57 > 0:14:01If you report from a windy pier, you get what you deserve.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04But if there's a big wave, I am going to step out just slightly...
0:14:08 > 0:14:12And finally - Denise Roberts has got a terrifying stare.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Leave us to get on with it...
0:14:17 > 0:14:20When you see it a second time, it gets even scarier.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Leave us to get on with it.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25MUSIC: "Carmina Burana" by Carl Orff
0:14:32 > 0:14:35An old lady has been the victim of a strange robbery.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Yes, the moral is do not mess with 70-year-old Barbara Gamston -
0:14:39 > 0:14:41and keep your hands off her meerkats.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Back where they belong, in the arms of Barbara.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47This trio of meerkats mean a lot to her.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Someone has stolen an old lady's plastic meerkats.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Look at the blow-the-budget Hollywood-style way
0:14:54 > 0:14:57they show this terrible crime.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58'And unbeknownst to Barbara,
0:14:58 > 0:15:01'spirited away to a house a couple of miles away.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04'But a tip-off from a friend led her to them.'
0:15:04 > 0:15:07They sellotaped it to a camera...
0:15:07 > 0:15:10If you think the way they showed it was good...check out what
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Barbara said when she found out someone had nicked
0:15:13 > 0:15:15her beloved meerkats.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19"When my daughter Samantha came she said, 'Mother - your meerkats have gone.'
0:15:19 > 0:15:22"So, I politely said, "Blow me."
0:15:22 > 0:15:24LAUGHTER
0:15:32 > 0:15:34"Well, we CAN do that, Mum, but...
0:15:34 > 0:15:37"should probably just get the meerkats."
0:15:37 > 0:15:39It's such an amazing reaction to a crisis.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- "The meerkats are gone - blow me." - LAUGHTER
0:15:42 > 0:15:44So where were the meerkats?
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Well, it turns out they were spotted in a garden three miles away.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Check out what this wonderful woman did to get them back.
0:15:56 > 0:16:01An SAS raid?! "Margaret, cover me. Linda - fetch the zip wire."
0:16:01 > 0:16:06"If I die...tell Titchmarsh I loved him."
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Despite her plan, there was a tragic incident.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13'Sadly, not all of them made it. The trio was once a quartet.
0:16:13 > 0:16:18'One meerkat was chewed to pieces by an unfriendly dog during the escapade.'
0:16:18 > 0:16:21No-o-o-o-o-o-o!
0:16:21 > 0:16:24"They've got Roger..."
0:16:25 > 0:16:27I loved you SO much, Roger."
0:16:27 > 0:16:30"I loved you too."
0:16:31 > 0:16:34"But I fear death has come for me."
0:16:34 > 0:16:37"You can't die, Roger, you can't die...
0:16:37 > 0:16:41"Don't tell the others... but I think you were my favourite."
0:16:43 > 0:16:45"Barbara...have you learnt nothing?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49"You must never compare the meerkat."
0:16:49 > 0:16:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:55 > 0:16:56"Never com..."
0:17:00 > 0:17:03To be honest...we shouldn't feel sorry for Roger -
0:17:03 > 0:17:05I found some extra footage from the news,
0:17:05 > 0:17:08and before the dog got him, he had quite the adventure.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Not tonight, pal.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Aaargh!
0:17:18 > 0:17:20PULSATING DANCE MUSIC
0:17:34 > 0:17:36LAUGHTER
0:17:36 > 0:17:40DJ ASSAULT: # Ass...titties, ass'n'titties
0:17:40 > 0:17:43# Ass, ass, titties titties, ass'n'titties #
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Rest in peace, Roger.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Now for a part of the show called the People's Podium.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55There's some people who couldn't get in the audience.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58If they impress me with their questions, they can join us.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00If they don't - I'm going to feed them to the lions.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04So - let's meet our first speaker on the People's Podium!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Hello...
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- What's your name, my friend? - Fionnula.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14Fionnula! That's a cracking name. And what's your question?
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Erm, I am setting up shop with a friend, making cakes and things,
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- Cakes, yeah... - How inappropriate would it be
0:18:20 > 0:18:24if we called ourselves "Two Girls, One Cupcake"?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26LAUGHTER
0:18:28 > 0:18:32It sounds like a winner, doesn't it?
0:18:32 > 0:18:35But I fear...you wouldn't get JUST people looking for cakes.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40I like the question, though - "Two Girls, One Cup"... One CupCAKE.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Yeah, yeah...? Join the audience.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Who's next?!
0:18:48 > 0:18:54- Hello!- That was a pretty smooth start.- Has to be done.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- You look like a darts player. - A darts player?
0:18:57 > 0:18:58Not a very good darts player.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- Dibble and dabble now and again. - See, I like you already.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Can you turn sideways so it's like you're shouting the question out of a van?
0:19:05 > 0:19:06"Oi, Howard...!"
0:19:06 > 0:19:08- LAUGHTER - Go on, do it.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12LAUGHTER
0:19:14 > 0:19:16"Oi, oi!"
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Hello...
0:19:22 > 0:19:24What's your question, my friend?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26With reports that the Olympics are set to go well over budget,
0:19:26 > 0:19:29what events would you get rid of, and why?
0:19:29 > 0:19:33I would, erm...I'd get rid of the opening ceremony, for a kickoff.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35The rest of it, I'm quite looking forward to.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38So, with regret, I'm going to have to feed you to the lions.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42Sorry. But you're a good guy. I hope they treat you well.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- Cheers, mate.- Sorry. I'm sorry. - AUDIENCE: Awww...
0:19:45 > 0:19:48That's pretty awkward, isn't it, pretty...
0:19:48 > 0:19:52SNARLING Aaaaaaargh!
0:19:55 > 0:19:57"Burberry..."
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- Hiya, man. How you doing? - 'Allo!- Oh, I like you.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05What's your name? I like THAT...
0:20:05 > 0:20:08You're like a really, really happy Wallace and Gromit.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10LAUGHTER
0:20:10 > 0:20:13What's your question, friend?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Secretly, which celebrity's phone would you like to hack?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Which celebrity's phone would I like to hack? Boris Johnson.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Is the one-word answer. Nobody wouldn't enjoy that...
0:20:24 > 0:20:26HE MIMICS BORIS
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Oh, I'm going to pour myself a whisky and really enjoy this.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31- How about you, who would you hack? - You.
0:20:31 > 0:20:36Me?! Do you know what happened, when the News of the World scandal came out, my brother
0:20:36 > 0:20:40genuinely was leaving messages on my phone.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Hoping the papers would get hold of it.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44And saying some pretty appalling things like
0:20:44 > 0:20:47"Was that you I seen outside Baby Gap? Yeah?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50"Banging your cock against the window?"
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- LAUGHTER - Delete, delete!
0:20:52 > 0:20:55I wasn't doing it - no, I wasn't...
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- Would have been good for the laughs. - How?!
0:21:00 > 0:21:03"It's the chuckling paedo..." That's a bit of work.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05LAUGHTER
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Again, I enjoy you - come through, you're nice.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14That's the end of the People's Podium. Please give it up for all my guests!
0:21:14 > 0:21:16CHEERING
0:21:19 > 0:21:24Now, do you remember the lady from a couple of weeks ago who had her meerkats stolen?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26If you don't - here she is.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29So, I politely said, "Blow me."
0:21:29 > 0:21:32She's written me a letter. When I first got it I was terrified,
0:21:32 > 0:21:36I said, "Oh, God, she's going to be really upset..." Oh, no!
0:21:36 > 0:21:40"Dear Russell..." This woman is 80, right? "Dear Russell.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43"I pissed myself laughing at you
0:21:43 > 0:21:45"taking the piss out of me and my meerkats."
0:21:45 > 0:21:47LAUGHTER
0:21:47 > 0:21:51"I am as blunt as you can be - and less of the old woman, I'm only 80.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56"I've got 29 grandchildren, 42 great-grandchildren.
0:21:56 > 0:22:01"One more thing - could you pay me back, for being on TV,
0:22:01 > 0:22:05"and buy me a meerkat, to replace the one the dog got?"
0:22:05 > 0:22:07LAUGHTER
0:22:07 > 0:22:10"And I will blow you any time."
0:22:10 > 0:22:11LAUGHTER
0:22:21 > 0:22:23So what did I do...?
0:22:24 > 0:22:25I got her a meerkat.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28LAUGHTER
0:22:28 > 0:22:33So I guess what I'M saying, Barbara... no-one else, just you and me...
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- I've kept MY side of the deal. - LAUGHTER
0:22:43 > 0:22:49Now, as an end-of-series treat, the production team have found me somebody special to interview,
0:22:49 > 0:22:53and I have to find out who it is. Last year it was Jet...
0:22:53 > 0:22:55so please welcome my Mystery Guest!
0:23:08 > 0:23:09Hello, Santa.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13Hello, Russell.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15You've got a much better chair than me.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Look how shit my chair is!
0:23:17 > 0:23:19- Suits you.- Thanks.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Wouldn't it be wonderful if Santa was that witty?
0:23:24 > 0:23:29"You're a dick, you're not getting anything. You're probably adopted. Next!"
0:23:29 > 0:23:33OK. Are you someone from my childhood?
0:23:33 > 0:23:34- I think so, yeah.- OK.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Yeah, from what I've heard.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Holy shit, I know who you are. Fuck, you're John Barnes, aren't you?
0:23:40 > 0:23:42I've just changed my voice once and you got it.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Yes!
0:23:46 > 0:23:49You're supposed to be asking me questions.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53You're supposed to be asking me questions to find out who I was.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54But I knew.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- The voice gave it, didn't it? - Yes.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59- I got too comfortable. - You gave it away. It was beautiful.
0:23:59 > 0:24:05- I tried to be like Frank Bruno at first.- It was beautiful. - I just got too comfortable with you.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06It's a genuine pleasure to meet you.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10- They showed me pictures of you in your Liverpool kit as a young boy.- Yes.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13That's me, yeah.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23I'm too old to be wearing the full kit there, aren't I?
0:24:23 > 0:24:28That's the '96 kit, so I'm 16 years old in the garden,
0:24:28 > 0:24:30playing football on my own.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34I'm slightly star-struck.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37A lot of people might not know because you've got a very young audience.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40My children are here with me, by the way. My big ones.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44They're 26, 22, 18, 15, 5, 4 and 1.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48The big ones are here. They took time off work especially.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52One's a doctor and he said "I'm not going into work today."
0:24:52 > 0:24:56So there may be some dead people up north!
0:24:56 > 0:25:00And it's our fault. That makes me feel really bad.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01A lot of people might not know me.
0:25:01 > 0:25:06I'll just show you something of what I've done in the past.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09It better be that goal in 1984. Let's do this.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Wonderful, that's worth a round of applause!
0:25:36 > 0:25:37Are you a Liverpool fan?
0:25:37 > 0:25:41I am. I still live in the area. I've been there for 10 years, so that's my team.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43What was the highlight of your career?
0:25:43 > 0:25:47- Winning my first League Championship with Liverpool. - What year was that?
0:25:47 > 0:25:491988. 1987-88.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- How many League Championships? - I won three League Championships.
0:25:52 > 0:25:53Pretty cool!
0:25:57 > 0:26:02Not only was John an incredible footballer, but we didn't even mention the rap.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05You can hit them and hurt them, defend and attack...
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- Funny you should say that. - Have we got that as well?
0:26:08 > 0:26:12This is the other reason why John Barnes is incredible.
0:26:12 > 0:26:17# You've got to hold and give but do it at the right time
0:26:17 > 0:26:20# You can be slow or fast but you must get to the line.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24# They'll always hit you and hurt you, defend and attack.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28# There's only one way to beat them, get round the back... #
0:26:33 > 0:26:38- A little birdie told me you know the words.- I know the words. Let's do it!
0:26:38 > 0:26:41I'll do the first verse, if you do the second verse. OK, here we go. Let's go.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45Bit of rhythm. Here we go. Ready?
0:26:45 > 0:26:49# You've got to hold and give but do it at the right time
0:26:49 > 0:26:53# You can be slow or fast but you must get to the line
0:26:53 > 0:26:57# They'll always hit you and hurt you, defend and attack
0:26:57 > 0:27:00# There's only one way to beat them get round the back
0:27:00 > 0:27:05# So catch me if you can cos I'm the England man
0:27:05 > 0:27:08# And what you're looking at is the master plan
0:27:08 > 0:27:13# We ain't no hooligans, this ain't a football song
0:27:13 > 0:27:16# Three lions on my chest I know we can't go wrong
0:27:16 > 0:27:19# We're singing for England Eng-er-lund!
0:27:19 > 0:27:23# We hope this year will be the one... #
0:27:35 > 0:27:38- And I bought you a present. - Thanks very much.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40You can open it now.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Thank you so much for coming on my show.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44It's a pleasure. The kids love it.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48I remember when I was 10, I remember watching you play.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Mate, how good is this?
0:27:51 > 0:27:56I got this out of the loft.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58It is from 1996.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01It is Sky Sports Mr Nice Guy Award.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05It doesn't look much like me, but there you go. Merry Christmas!
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Honestly, thank you so much.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Thank you very much indeed.
0:28:16 > 0:28:21Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the wonderful John Barnes!
0:28:24 > 0:28:27It's Saturday night, it's time for my stand-up guest.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30Now, this man is very funny. His eye is also lazier than mine.
0:28:30 > 0:28:34So please welcome the brilliant Mr James Dowdeswell.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37CHEERING
0:28:40 > 0:28:42- Hello. AUDIENCE:- Hello.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44- Are you well?- Yes.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46My name's James.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49The more observant of you have probably spotted already
0:28:49 > 0:28:51I grew up in a village.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58My village has got a nuclear power station.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01And no blooming hairdressers.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03And the thing is, it's not fair,
0:29:03 > 0:29:07because like, a black guy with an afro looks damn funky.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09A white guy with an afro, physics teacher.
0:29:11 > 0:29:13It's very nice doing stand-up.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15A lot of comedians get heckled on the stage.
0:29:15 > 0:29:19I'll be honest with you guys, I get heckled in the street. It's true.
0:29:19 > 0:29:24I was in Bristol last week. I was at Bristol Parkway train station.
0:29:24 > 0:29:25Little kid about ten.
0:29:25 > 0:29:29You know the ones that look like they were born in JD Sports.
0:29:31 > 0:29:35They're not athletes, but they're running from something. Innit?
0:29:35 > 0:29:37He looks at me, this little lad, and he goes,
0:29:37 > 0:29:41"'Ere, mate, you a train spotter, eh? You a train spotter?"
0:29:41 > 0:29:45I was so angry, I nearly missed the C591B.
0:29:46 > 0:29:48Little tinkers.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51I wasn't showing off at the start, I did grow up in a village.
0:29:51 > 0:29:56A lovely little village about ten miles north of Bristol, called Inbredbury.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02It's weird. I'll tell you how weird my village is.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05The other week, I was walking through the woods and I came across
0:30:05 > 0:30:09a group of kids being chased by a middle-aged man in his underpants.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11So naturally, I called the police.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13Turns out it wasn't a pervert after all,
0:30:13 > 0:30:18but a PE teacher who had forgotten HIS kit. What a village.
0:30:18 > 0:30:22The other thing you should know about my village is my village
0:30:22 > 0:30:25is the next village to someone called Russell Howard's.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27The reason me and Russ are quite similar
0:30:27 > 0:30:29is we have both got lazy eyes.
0:30:29 > 0:30:31Can you see that, madam?
0:30:32 > 0:30:35I'd be surprised, I'm talking to you.
0:30:36 > 0:30:39Hello.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41It's the left eye that wanders.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43Two years ago, in a bizarre twist of fate,
0:30:43 > 0:30:46I actually went out with a girl with a lazy eye.
0:30:46 > 0:30:49It was embarrassing. We didn't know where to look.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53In the end, it just got ridiculous,
0:30:53 > 0:30:58so we decided to go our separate ways and bumped into each other.
0:30:58 > 0:31:02Got them on. I live in London now. I live with my friend Dom in Tooting.
0:31:02 > 0:31:04I don't know if you've heard of Tooting.
0:31:04 > 0:31:09The estate agent described it to me as "vibrant".
0:31:09 > 0:31:11I think she's dyslexic. She meant to say "violent".
0:31:13 > 0:31:14I'll tell you how bad it is.
0:31:14 > 0:31:19I used to live in a flat above a kebab shop called Kebabish.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22Even they're not sure what the hell's in it.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24"It's sort of like a kebab, mate, innit."
0:31:24 > 0:31:26These days, I shop in Asda.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29I don't know if anybody here shops in Asda.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32The best thing about it, the reduced-to-clear section.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35The only problem is, they keep moving it.
0:31:35 > 0:31:37So you have to find the sticker man.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40You know the sticker man? And you just follow him around the shop.
0:31:40 > 0:31:43He's like the Pied Piper of Hamlyn.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46And you get there and there's all the cheap stuff.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49You know it's the cheap stuff, they've got yellow stickers
0:31:49 > 0:31:53and they say things like "4.99... Whoops, 1.99." I love that.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56It's like they've made a mistake.
0:31:56 > 0:31:58In Lidl, they've got a similar situation.
0:31:58 > 0:32:02They got orange stickers. On those, "4.99... Ah, sod it, 9p."
0:32:04 > 0:32:10I love Lidl. I actually got ID'd in Lidl, can you believe it?
0:32:10 > 0:32:13Admittedly, I was buying three litres of cider
0:32:13 > 0:32:15and some Munch Bunch yoghurt.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17It was a Tuesday night. I was treating myself.
0:32:17 > 0:32:22So I'm liking London. The only thing is, nobody speaks to you in London.
0:32:22 > 0:32:25I'm sure the people from outside will agree.
0:32:25 > 0:32:29The first person to speak to me properly, a homeless guy.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32I'm sat in the park reading a book, just reading a book.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35And a West Indian fella with massive dreadlocks came up to me
0:32:35 > 0:32:37with the best opening line I've ever heard.
0:32:37 > 0:32:39He comes up and he goes "Ey, man,
0:32:39 > 0:32:44"if you don't give me £1, I'll tell you the end of that book."
0:32:53 > 0:32:55"Where were you when I was doing my GCSEs?"
0:32:58 > 0:33:00He's a lovely fella. You guys would like him.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02He's called Bartholomew and every time I see him,
0:33:02 > 0:33:05I always buy him a beer. But I only get him one, because after one,
0:33:05 > 0:33:08he tends to get a bit mischievous.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10I spotted him standing outside a DVD store
0:33:10 > 0:33:13spoiling the ends to movies for money.
0:33:13 > 0:33:17I'm walking past and I could hear him go, "Rocky wins".
0:33:19 > 0:33:22"Dumbledore dies."
0:33:23 > 0:33:25"They find Nemo."
0:33:28 > 0:33:30"And the cowboys bum each other."
0:33:34 > 0:33:36I like the homeless people. They've had a hard time.
0:33:36 > 0:33:40It's the little kids that annoy me, right? I'll give you an example.
0:33:40 > 0:33:43This morning, I'm at my bus stop. One kid turned to another and went,
0:33:43 > 0:33:46"Yeah, like, back in the day, yeah? Back in the day."
0:33:46 > 0:33:49I thought, what do you mean, "back in the day"? You're ten!
0:33:49 > 0:33:52What you mean is "last Tuesday".
0:33:52 > 0:33:55I wouldn't say that to them, obviously.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58They're tough. I'll give you an example.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01I was in my local sports centre, I'm about to go for a swim,
0:34:01 > 0:34:03just putting a coin in the locker.
0:34:03 > 0:34:04Little kid, ten, comes up to me,
0:34:04 > 0:34:08"Give me that pound for locker, man. Lock-er, lock-er, lock-er.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10"You know what I'm saying?"
0:34:10 > 0:34:12"No! I haven't got a bloody clue."
0:34:16 > 0:34:20"Why are you talking like that, you're white?"
0:34:20 > 0:34:25He looks at me, this little foetus, he goes,
0:34:25 > 0:34:28"Give me that pound for locker, man. Craig David, Craig David."
0:34:28 > 0:34:33"Give me that pound for locker, or I'll stab you."
0:34:33 > 0:34:34"What? You're ten!"
0:34:34 > 0:34:38And you're wearing your swimming trunks.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40I thought, "Where have you hidden the knife?"
0:34:40 > 0:34:43This is the best bit, his mom has obviously...
0:34:43 > 0:34:46He's got these red Bermuda shorts on, his mom has sewn a 10m badge.
0:34:46 > 0:34:47Aw.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50"I'm thinking, "Try and stab me, sunshine,
0:34:50 > 0:34:52"I'm hiding in the deep end."
0:34:57 > 0:34:59He put his armbands on, kicked the shit out of me.
0:35:03 > 0:35:06So, we've had riots, and the Government don't know what to do about it.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08Who's in favour of national service?
0:35:10 > 0:35:12Exactly. Nobody wants that. It's ridiculous.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15A lot of these kids are naughty enough as it is
0:35:15 > 0:35:19without giving them guns and the skills to use them.
0:35:19 > 0:35:20I think the last thing we need
0:35:20 > 0:35:23is an Army major in an inner-city school going,
0:35:23 > 0:35:27"Good afternoon, children, I am Major Carruthers,
0:35:27 > 0:35:30"I am here to instruct you in the art of urban warfare.
0:35:30 > 0:35:34"First of all, synchronise your ringtones to Snoop Dogg - That Bitch Ain't Shit.
0:35:36 > 0:35:41"Today's mission is to take over the top deck of a London night bus.
0:35:41 > 0:35:43"In this case, the N155 to Morden.
0:35:43 > 0:35:47"To do so, I suggest you use such intimidatory tactics
0:35:47 > 0:35:50"as hissing, spitting and calling your momma a ho.
0:35:52 > 0:35:53"That's right, a ho.
0:35:53 > 0:35:57"If successful, why not just rip up the seats,
0:35:57 > 0:36:00"put a few chips on the floor and tag the windows in Latin.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03"'Et tu, Dizzee Rascal? Et tu?'
0:36:03 > 0:36:06"If successful, you will be honoured with an Asbo, so fix up,
0:36:06 > 0:36:10"look sharp, 21 seconds to go, geezers dismissed."
0:36:11 > 0:36:13APPLAUSE
0:36:15 > 0:36:18Thank you. Very kind.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22They say stroking a beard makes you look intelligent,
0:36:22 > 0:36:24as long as it's your own beard.
0:36:25 > 0:36:28If it is somebody else's, you're in trouble.
0:36:28 > 0:36:32This afternoon, before coming here, I decided to go clothes shopping.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34I tried on a pair of skinny, twisty jeans,
0:36:34 > 0:36:36to see what I'd look like with rickets.
0:36:39 > 0:36:41That's me with ricketts.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44I like a drink, ladies and gentlemen - I'll tell you how much.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47Last week, I phoned the Alcohol Advice Centre and said,
0:36:47 > 0:36:50"I got a drink problem," and they said, "How can we help?"
0:36:50 > 0:36:52I said, "What wine goes best with Coco Pops?"
0:36:53 > 0:36:56Rose, apparently.
0:36:57 > 0:37:01So, I've got a car, and I don't really drive in London -
0:37:01 > 0:37:06not for eco-reasons, I just don't want to lose my car parking spot.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09It's outside my house. I don't think I'm going to move it again.
0:37:09 > 0:37:11It's right outside Kebabish.
0:37:11 > 0:37:15I get paranoid on the road. I was on the M4 the other night
0:37:15 > 0:37:18and I saw a sign that said "Tiredness can kill, take a break."
0:37:18 > 0:37:22I thought that's all I need, death threats from Kit Kat.
0:37:26 > 0:37:29I like the West Country home-made signs by the farms,
0:37:29 > 0:37:32things like, "Raw manure, pound a bag."
0:37:32 > 0:37:34I've tried some, good shit.
0:37:42 > 0:37:43Oo-arr.
0:37:43 > 0:37:45The last time I went back to Bristol,
0:37:45 > 0:37:49I actually got stuck in a road-rage situation.
0:37:49 > 0:37:54I'm driving along quite nicely and a blue car decides to overtake me.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56I don't know if you know much about cars, right,
0:37:56 > 0:38:01but those blue ones, pretty quick. My little red one could not keep up.
0:38:01 > 0:38:04I don't want to show off on the mean streets of Hammersmith,
0:38:04 > 0:38:08but I was doing 37 in a 30. I couldn't give a shit.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10Like that.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12You guys have been looking at me for a while -
0:38:12 > 0:38:16we've all established I am the sort of geezer you wouldn't mess with.
0:38:16 > 0:38:20If only, because you don't know where I'm looking.
0:38:20 > 0:38:24At the traffic lights, this guy gets out of the car and walks toward me.
0:38:24 > 0:38:27This bloke's not like me. He's a proper man.
0:38:27 > 0:38:31He's one of them blokes, you see them on Saturday afternoon in the shops.
0:38:31 > 0:38:35Big body, little legs. Usually bald.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38Big body, little legs. I've never understood that look.
0:38:38 > 0:38:41Maybe they've been to the gym and they've just had time
0:38:41 > 0:38:44to do their top half. "Rah!"
0:38:44 > 0:38:45CAMP: "Oh, hello."
0:38:47 > 0:38:49It's like half Rambo, half Alan Carr.
0:38:52 > 0:38:55He knocks on the window, modern car, right.
0:38:55 > 0:38:58He goes, "'Ere, mate, what do you think you're doing?"
0:38:58 > 0:39:01I said, "Just got a bit excited." "Chill out, mate, have this."
0:39:01 > 0:39:04I looked down, he's given me a spliff.
0:39:04 > 0:39:06Yeah. I'll be honest, guys, I don't smoke pot myself,
0:39:06 > 0:39:09but my hairdresser does.
0:39:09 > 0:39:12I thought, I'll give that to Rafael.
0:39:12 > 0:39:14As I drive off, this strange guy waves to me
0:39:14 > 0:39:16so I naturally wave back.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18I don't know what the opposite of road rage is,
0:39:18 > 0:39:20but it can't be road love.
0:39:20 > 0:39:21That's dogging, isn't it?
0:39:22 > 0:39:26That's the park-and-ride scheme we've heard so much about.
0:39:26 > 0:39:29So I continue driving, got this spliff on the passenger seat.
0:39:29 > 0:39:32It's not the weirdest thing I've had on the passenger seat.
0:39:32 > 0:39:34I drove to a party, the wing mirror fell off.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37Being a practical man, I gaffer-taped it on,
0:39:37 > 0:39:39left the gaffer tape on the passenger seat.
0:39:39 > 0:39:41At the party, met a beautiful girl.
0:39:41 > 0:39:44I said, "would you like a lift home?" She said, "Yes."
0:39:44 > 0:39:47Like a gentleman, I opened the car door,
0:39:47 > 0:39:49she looks in, sees the gaffer tape...
0:39:53 > 0:39:58Sees me, and thinks, "Bloody hell,
0:39:58 > 0:40:01"I'm about to get bummed by Screech from Saved By The Bell."
0:40:02 > 0:40:05You seem like a nice bunch of people.
0:40:05 > 0:40:09Give me a cheer who here thanks the bus driver when you get off the bus.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11CHEERING
0:40:11 > 0:40:13My kind of crowd. Who here get slightly annoyed
0:40:14 > 0:40:16when the bus driver doesn't acknowledge you back?
0:40:16 > 0:40:19Exactly. "I said, "Toodle-pip!'"
0:40:23 > 0:40:26Ooh, I get irate.
0:40:26 > 0:40:28I was on the top deck three nights ago,
0:40:28 > 0:40:31I heard a businessman say the poshest thing I've ever heard.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34He went, "Jeremy, we can't possibly play golf AND go shooting,
0:40:34 > 0:40:37"it's a logistical nightmare."
0:40:39 > 0:40:43Anybody who uses the word logistics in a social context
0:40:43 > 0:40:44is a dick as far as I'm concerned.
0:40:44 > 0:40:48And I knew he was a bit of a turnip,
0:40:48 > 0:40:51because he had one of those pocket computers, right?
0:40:51 > 0:40:53I don't really know much about computers,
0:40:53 > 0:40:56although my face looks like it does.
0:40:57 > 0:41:01I was in PC World the other day - I was there for three minutes
0:41:01 > 0:41:04and five people asked me questions.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07I went, "I don't know, turn it on, turn it off.
0:41:07 > 0:41:10"Put your dongle away, it's disgusting."
0:41:10 > 0:41:13The only computerised thing I've got is a Kindle.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16I don't know if anybody here has one. They're amazing.
0:41:16 > 0:41:20The reason I got it was I saw a big poster at a train station.
0:41:20 > 0:41:25It said, "The new Kindle, its pages turn 20% faster."
0:41:25 > 0:41:29I thought, wow, when have you ever heard somebody say,
0:41:29 > 0:41:33"I'm a really quick reader, me. What slows me down is turning the pages."
0:41:36 > 0:41:38They are amazing machines.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41They hold up to 3,500 books, which is incredible,
0:41:41 > 0:41:44but you can only read one at a time,
0:41:44 > 0:41:47unless of course you do that fancy thing we do on the iPod.
0:41:47 > 0:41:52You know, the iPod shuffle, or in this case, the Kindle surprise.
0:41:52 > 0:41:54You don't know what you're getting.
0:41:54 > 0:41:56"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
0:41:56 > 0:41:59"We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert
0:41:59 > 0:42:01"when the drugs began to kick in..."
0:42:01 > 0:42:05"..laughed Paddington and tucked into another marmalade sandwich."
0:42:05 > 0:42:09Or, "After 40 days and 40 nights..."
0:42:09 > 0:42:13"..Mr Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced..." "..Oh, there's Wally."
0:42:17 > 0:42:20"Harry Potter was a very unusual boy, but one thing he hated..."
0:42:20 > 0:42:21"..Nelson Mandela."
0:42:23 > 0:42:26CHEERING
0:42:26 > 0:42:29Ladies and gentlemen, it's been an absolute pleasure talking to you.
0:42:29 > 0:42:31Take care, have a wonderful evening. Thank you.
0:42:31 > 0:42:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:33 > 0:42:37Ladies and gentlemen, Mr James Dowdeswell!
0:42:37 > 0:42:40Yes. Thank you very much for watching Good News.
0:42:40 > 0:42:43Have a wonderful Christmas. Farewell!
0:42:43 > 0:42:45CHEERING
0:42:53 > 0:42:56Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:42:56 > 0:42:59E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk