:01:32. > :01:37.Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Hello and welcome to
:01:37. > :01:47.Good News. Probably the biggest story of the summer, sexual icon,
:01:47. > :01:53.John Holmes, can make womens or gassism just by saying their name -
:01:53. > :02:02.org asam, just by saying their name. Hello. Oh. If you want to make
:02:02. > :02:07.someone interrupt on the news, this is how you do it? (man barks)
:02:07. > :02:13.A human, who makes an animal noise, if only there was an animal who
:02:13. > :02:17.makes human noises. Perhaps a cat who could say no. No, no, no, no.
:02:17. > :02:27.And finally f you report from a windy pier, you get what you
:02:27. > :02:28.
:02:28. > :02:32.deserve. But if there is a big wave I will step out slightly! The big
:02:33. > :02:36.news this week was all about Colonel Gaddafi. The end of a
:02:36. > :02:42.dictator. It has been a landmark day for the people of Libya.
:02:42. > :02:47.Ifrpblgt it was announced that the dictator who terrorised the Libyan
:02:47. > :02:52.people. For four decades. Was found hiding in a drainage pipe.
:02:52. > :02:56.found shot dead in his home in Sirte. It might be just me, but the
:02:56. > :03:06.Libyan people didn't seem that bothered.
:03:06. > :03:08.
:03:08. > :03:14.Everybody happy now. Libya. Even the cars were dancing.
:03:14. > :03:24.It was insane, one bloke turned up with the FA Cup! Everyone was happy,
:03:24. > :03:26.
:03:26. > :03:36.I say everyone, I bet pigeons in Libya were terrified. Stop shooting
:03:36. > :03:41.at us! We hated him too. Jesus Christ! I mean, Allah, I'm Libyan.
:03:42. > :03:46.Did you see what the rebels found on Gaddafi? The prize find is
:03:46. > :03:51.proudly shown off here, as fighters parade through the streets with it.
:03:51. > :03:56.The former leader's golden gun. man with the golden gun, more like
:03:56. > :04:01.the man with the melty face. Apparently his final words were
:04:01. > :04:05."don't shoot". I think he missed a trick, he had done so many bad
:04:05. > :04:09.things, he could have used the final moment for doing something
:04:09. > :04:17.good. It would be great if the final words could have been "I'm
:04:17. > :04:20.just the puppet, the real master is...Justin Bieber". He dies
:04:20. > :04:25.tonight! It would have been a lovely moment.
:04:25. > :04:29.One of the main talking points about the whole story was how
:04:29. > :04:36.Gaddafi died, some say he was executed, others in cross fireworks
:04:36. > :04:41.others claim he committed suicide after learning - crossfire, others
:04:41. > :04:48.claim he committed suicide after learning this news. The Irish
:04:48. > :04:54.boyfriend, Westlife is breaking up. No, everybody's looking for that
:04:54. > :04:57.something. Goodbye cruel world. David Cameron and Barack Obama both
:04:57. > :05:01.issued statements addressing Gaddafi's death. Today is a day to
:05:01. > :05:06.remember all of Colonel Gaddafi's victims. This marks the end of a
:05:06. > :05:11.long and painful chapter for the people of Libya. Italian bunga
:05:11. > :05:19.bunga Lord, Silvio Berlusconi, not as fussed. He was too busy texts
:05:19. > :05:23.Hillary Clinton a photo of his penis. Wow! Plenty more where that
:05:24. > :05:28.came from. Back in Britain, it was all kicking
:05:28. > :05:31.off at farm in Basildon. Police and bailiffs are now in almost total
:05:31. > :05:36.control of Dale Farm, after storming the illegal travellers'
:05:36. > :05:39.site at dawn. There were violent clashes as bricks and other
:05:39. > :05:46.missiles were thrown, and the police responded with Tasers.
:05:46. > :05:50.what headline did the Sun go with: Thanks Sun. What kind of
:05:50. > :05:56.sophisticated did the protestors use. Something to get the public on
:05:56. > :06:00.their side, not really. "they dropped their pants to urinate on
:06:00. > :06:04.officers." Dave, I done a wee on a policeman,
:06:04. > :06:11.I'm like Gandhi. One lady turned up with a crucifix. Who brings a
:06:11. > :06:17.crucifix to a protest. The police are not vampires. She's a long time
:06:17. > :06:20.activist, do you know what her name is, she's called Minty Chalice. It
:06:20. > :06:27.sounds like something Boris Johnson calls a have a giennafplt did
:06:27. > :06:30.anyone see the protestors on the skaf - vagina. Did anyone see the
:06:30. > :06:35.protestors on the scaffold. looks like the police have taken
:06:35. > :06:45.control of the lion's share of Dale Farm. I was thinking where have I
:06:45. > :06:53.
:06:53. > :07:03.seen that before. Shame on you! Overin Europe it's bad news for
:07:03. > :07:11.noisy pets. The town of Herson in Ukraine have banned pets from
:07:11. > :07:21.making noise between 10.00pm, and 8.00am. This is great news for
:07:21. > :07:22.
:07:22. > :07:30.burglars. Some dog, what is it boy? I don't know what you're on about.
:07:30. > :07:35.What is it? The bloke comes down in the morning, oh we've been burgled.
:07:35. > :07:39.Not only, that they have done a shit on the floor! It wasn't me, it
:07:39. > :07:45.was the burglars. It isn't just dogs they are
:07:45. > :07:51.clamping down on. The new law doesn't just apply to cats and dogs,
:07:51. > :07:57.goats, cows and pigs will get the owners into trouble. Who the fuck
:07:57. > :08:05.has a pet cow, people watching the X Factor next door with the bullock,
:08:05. > :08:09.I agree, Frankie does look like he's got crabs.
:08:09. > :08:17.Why stop pets were making noise, if you are going to silence any animal
:08:17. > :08:21.at night, it should be foxes. Have you ever heard them make love?
:08:21. > :08:31.Ahhhhhh. It is terrifying. Pets aren't like that. If you ban pets
:08:31. > :08:31.
:08:31. > :08:39.from making noise, you will miss out on dogs that sound like this.
:08:39. > :08:49.(giggles) Don't get rid of that. And goats, lovely goats, that sound
:08:49. > :08:52.
:08:52. > :08:56.a little bit broken. (weak bleat) Don't get rid of those noises.
:08:56. > :09:06.From the Ukraine to Egypt, and an insane story about a bloke who
:09:06. > :09:10.resembles a dead man. An Egyptian man shares an unfortunate doppleg
:09:10. > :09:15.ane, executed Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein. Check this out. You
:09:15. > :09:18.are thinking that now Saddam is dead, his wife wouldn't be so bad.
:09:18. > :09:23.He has to deal with people hare ration him on the street for
:09:24. > :09:29.looking like Saddam Hussein, he has to evade the Iraqi gang trying to
:09:29. > :09:36.kidnap him and force him to star in their porpb movie. Unbelievable,
:09:36. > :09:44.nobody sees that coming. Who does that bloke look like, you know what
:09:44. > :09:48.we can make him do! It is the weirdist kidnap ever. What are the
:09:48. > :09:56.demands, make love to beautiful women, over and over what do you
:09:56. > :10:01.think about that? Oh no, better scream for help I suppose.
:10:01. > :10:07.(quietly) help. No-one's coming, let's drop it like it's hot, who's
:10:08. > :10:13.your bagdaddy! Saddam Hussein porn. Can you
:10:14. > :10:23.imagine the trailer. We thought he had weapons of mass destruction.
:10:24. > :10:25.
:10:25. > :10:29.Turns out he had a weapon of ass destruction. Saddam Hussein is: the
:10:29. > :10:36.dick-tator. Coming soon. Over to America, a report about a
:10:36. > :10:41.woman who attacked police in a rather unusual manner. When
:10:41. > :10:45.deputies arrived, Robin was already in the back seat of her car. She
:10:45. > :10:51.cursed at detectives when they tried to get her out, then sprayed
:10:51. > :10:55.them with bodily fluids. Bodily fluids. She pulled out one of her
:10:55. > :11:05.breasts and started milking and spraying breast milk towards the
:11:05. > :11:15.
:11:15. > :11:22.officers. No, no, no, no. Spraying breast milk. It is like it
:11:22. > :11:25.filthy Super Soaker. What happened to this grubby criminal? They kept
:11:25. > :11:29.talking to her and were finally able to take her out of the car,
:11:29. > :11:39.cuff her and take her to jail. got her out of the car, not before
:11:39. > :11:42.
:11:42. > :11:46.they had this amazing conversation. It is my American right. Go ask my
:11:46. > :11:52.fucking husband. Swearing and calling the officer racist. Why am
:11:52. > :12:01.I being racist? Oh, because I'm a female. You're racist because I'm
:12:01. > :12:04.female, and you're sexist because I'm a blackman.
:12:05. > :12:09.What I don't understand about this story, why is she attacking the
:12:09. > :12:19.police, she clearly has talented boobs. She should use her powers
:12:19. > :12:49.
:12:49. > :12:53.Finish him off, period girl. No - oooooo.
:12:53. > :12:57.The biggest sports story of the week was this. Football, Manchester
:12:57. > :13:01.United suffered a humiliating 6-1 thrashing at the hands of local
:13:01. > :13:07.rivals, Manchester City. It was United's heaviest home defeat in
:13:07. > :13:13.Premier League history. 6-1. I haven't seen a pounding like that
:13:13. > :13:20.since I watched that Saddam porn! The game was incredible, I will be
:13:20. > :13:23.honest, the thing that really caught my eye, what did Man City's
:13:23. > :13:30.crazy striker, Mario Balotelli, do the night before the game. Did he
:13:30. > :13:34.go to bed early, or have a camomile team. Mario Balotelli has escaped
:13:34. > :13:38.unharmed after setting his house on fire after letting fireworks off in
:13:38. > :13:42.his bathroom. He let fireworks off in his bathroom, what was he doing,
:13:42. > :13:46.celebrating a shit. That was a really good one, light the
:13:46. > :13:51.Catherine wheel, let's do this. Apparently firemen were at his
:13:51. > :13:54.house until 3.00am. Anyone thinking what I'm thinking, fire in the
:13:54. > :13:58.bathroom, turn the fucking shower on. What happened to Balotelli
:13:58. > :14:03.after the fire? Did he get fined by his club, cautioned by the police?
:14:03. > :14:13.Not really. He's now, would you believe, the face of a regional
:14:13. > :14:14.
:14:14. > :14:18.firework safety campaign. Have you seen what we're doing with our
:14:18. > :14:22.bins? The life of a litter bin must sometimes be a lonely one. There is
:14:22. > :14:30.now a new weapon in the war on waste. It may look like an ordinary
:14:30. > :14:35.bin, this one has plenty to say for itself. Hello. Hello. Just want to
:14:35. > :14:41.to say thanks for the rubbish. just wanted to say, this is
:14:41. > :14:44.bullshit. Why am I spending money on bins that say thank you. Are
:14:44. > :14:49.bins saying I'll only stop littering if the bin is nice to me.
:14:49. > :14:55.Next you will be telling me I can't piss on a policeman. Don't give
:14:55. > :15:02.bins voices. How depressing would it be to hear the dog muck bin. No,
:15:02. > :15:06.no, please no. Oh God alive! Has anybody got a mint?
:15:06. > :15:15.In case some of you are interested, they don't just say thank you.
:15:15. > :15:22.sing, they talk, and sometimes even burp. (belch sound) If you want a
:15:22. > :15:26.noise that will help people put rubbish in a bin. Do the noise
:15:26. > :15:31.again, it is the best thing I have heard. If you heard that every time
:15:31. > :15:35.you put something in a bin, Britain would be cleaner than a nun's hard
:15:35. > :15:41.drive. It isn't just burping, celebrities are voicing so much of
:15:41. > :15:47.the bins. Amanda Holden, Michael Palin and others are volunteering
:15:47. > :15:54.their voices. If you use a celebrity, surely you use this guy.
:15:54. > :15:59.That would be the angriest bin ever. Nobody would drop a litter if he
:15:59. > :16:04.said this. Fuck you shit, up your arse, you fucking boring, fucking,
:16:04. > :16:08.fuck off you cow. All right, I'll put it in the bin,
:16:08. > :16:13.sorry Brian, that bin has a real temper.
:16:13. > :16:18.Now next up let's meet a guy with an unusual companion. Usually it is
:16:18. > :16:23.a dog that's a man's best friend. For Barry, it doesn't walk on four
:16:23. > :16:32.paws, it waddles on two webbed feet. His best friend is a duck named
:16:32. > :16:37.Star. Don't ahhhh, stop it he's best mates with a duck. He has just
:16:37. > :16:43.put bread in his socks. He won't leave me aown? Because you're
:16:43. > :16:49.covered in Hovis. Look where else they go? Down the shops or ducking
:16:49. > :16:53.into the pub for a pint. A duck in a pub, he must get soic sick of the
:16:53. > :16:58.jokes. Who is paying the bill? Very good. Do you want cheese and
:16:59. > :17:07.crackers? Yeah, yeah. Who's your wingman? Fuck off Brian, no wonder
:17:07. > :17:13.your wife left! I hate you Brian. I fucking hate
:17:13. > :17:17.you. For me it's madness. Don't choose a
:17:17. > :17:24.duck, if you're going to be best friends with any animal, it would
:17:24. > :17:28.have to be this guy! Look at his face. Kill me.
:17:28. > :17:32.Moving along, have a look at this shocking tale about prejudice.
:17:32. > :17:36.the world's largest sperm bank is saying thanks but no thanks to one
:17:36. > :17:44.pool of potential donor, people with red hair.
:17:45. > :17:48.Isn't it shocking. Don't applaud! Don't applaud! It's horrible.
:17:48. > :17:51.Ginger people aren't allowed to donate sperm. How unfair is that.
:17:51. > :17:58.Do you reckon they will protest. They have got sperm, you've got
:17:58. > :18:08.money, let us in. What I want to know, how do you
:18:08. > :18:11.
:18:11. > :18:15.identify ginger sperm, can you tell under a microscope.
:18:15. > :18:20.It is such a ridiculous idea, listen to the reason they are
:18:20. > :18:27.banning the red-redded friend. Given the choice the majority of
:18:27. > :18:34.women would prefer a child with more common blonde or dark hair.
:18:34. > :18:39.Like hair is the only indicator of beauty this lady, or Jodie Marsh.
:18:39. > :18:45.She has brown hair, but she looks like a Toblerone. Perhaps the worst
:18:45. > :18:49.worrying part of the story is this. This ginger rejection comes as some
:18:49. > :18:52.geneticist predict natural redheads could become extinct within 100
:18:52. > :19:02.years. This is awful. Do you think soon people will be watching
:19:02. > :19:07.
:19:07. > :19:10.programmes like this. Moving on, it has been a worrying
:19:11. > :19:14.discovery for women. Do you see this, working women look their best
:19:14. > :19:20.for just two hours and 22 minutes. A study found the beautifully
:19:20. > :19:24.styled hairdo and fully made up face is history by precisely
:19:24. > :19:31.10.03am. So basically, girls, you can do whatever you want to look
:19:31. > :19:41.pretty, but at 10.03 in the morning, it will all fade. To be honest, I
:19:41. > :19:41.
:19:41. > :20:21.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 40 seconds
:20:21. > :20:24.Hey, how are you doing. How are you Ahhhh, ha ha. What's happened!
:20:24. > :20:28.This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about,
:20:28. > :20:38.there will be a mystery guest who has been in the news, I have to
:20:38. > :20:53.
:20:53. > :21:01.figure out who that person is. It does scream sex offender,
:21:01. > :21:09.doesn't it. I will make my way gingerly. It may be a little bit
:21:09. > :21:15.weirder than usual. Hello. Hiya. Can I have my ball back! What are
:21:15. > :21:18.you doing in a hedge? Very rare you get to start an interview like that.
:21:18. > :21:23.That be the correct opening the question. What are you doing in the
:21:23. > :21:33.hedge? I spend a lot of time out in my environment, out in rural areas
:21:33. > :21:37.during the nightime. OK. Are you a keen dogger? Not quite. Presumably
:21:37. > :21:41.you are looking at nature I imagine in the West Country? I am in the
:21:41. > :21:48.West Country and spend a lot of time in the rural areas during the
:21:48. > :21:58.nightime. Without giving too much away. I know who you are. You are
:21:58. > :22:04.
:22:04. > :22:11.you're the yofl ninja. Yes I am. It's not very often you call
:22:11. > :22:15.someone a sex offender and they rock up dressed like Darth Maul. So
:22:15. > :22:20.I'm the Yeovil ninja. And today we're going to get you geared up in
:22:20. > :22:30.a ninja suit and give you a crash course in becoming a ninja.
:22:30. > :22:50.
:22:50. > :22:54.I'm absolutely involved now First First of all, why did you become
:22:54. > :22:59.the Yeovil Ninja? I wanted to know how to move like a ninja in the
:22:59. > :23:02.shadows in the nightime, as a young boy. I made contact with ninjas,
:23:02. > :23:06.practitioners from around the world, and learning the arts of ninja out
:23:06. > :23:11.in the shadows using anything that would benefit me as a ninja today.
:23:11. > :23:15.Let's do this. One thing we will go through, moving. What we do is keep
:23:15. > :23:19.our hands close to our chest. You move across, keeping very silent,
:23:19. > :23:25.aware of your surroundings. What you do, is you put the furthest leg
:23:25. > :23:33.out, you go down to one knee. Now when you're down on one knee, you
:23:33. > :23:43.observe your surroundings, smell, sight, use your awareness. There is
:23:43. > :23:45.
:23:45. > :23:49.people looking at us! I don't think we're in the shadows! No. What we
:23:49. > :23:55.do is moving as a ninja we move in, bounce, always looking at the next
:23:55. > :24:02.point of concealment. You are aware, you hear people coming from a
:24:02. > :24:10.distance. I sometimes use a hearing aid to amplify the sound. Benefit
:24:10. > :24:14.cheat! We're moving bounce, crossing legs, transfering legs,
:24:14. > :24:20.I'm getting in your way. Next is the serpent movement. You are down
:24:20. > :24:30.on your knees. What we do is we might use the dead ground, we are
:24:30. > :24:32.
:24:32. > :24:36.moving up to a position. You can call that or a serpent, that is
:24:36. > :24:40.crawling, that is what that is. What do your family think of this?
:24:40. > :24:45.Are you married? Married with two kids. One is five, I started
:24:46. > :24:50.teaching her about the shadows at the age of three. They probably
:24:50. > :24:57.have the serpent thing down quick? He is a natural. Did you spray-
:24:57. > :24:59.paint his nappy black? Have you got any other skills you can teach me.
:24:59. > :25:07.I have many different striking techniques. There is pressure
:25:07. > :25:11.points as well. I fucking hate these ones. Go on. I teach 45
:25:11. > :25:20.pressure points, pain, unconsciousness and death. Let's
:25:20. > :25:30.work from the beginning! Just very basic, you have a pressure point.
:25:30. > :25:35.
:25:35. > :25:38.Just between your collarbone. sound like a pug. Whah. If you grab
:25:38. > :25:43.me there. I can influence your body by moving through and flipping you
:25:43. > :25:49.over. In this case I would raise your armpit strike there, it sends
:25:49. > :25:59.your body into shock, you will collapse, and then the monarchy
:25:59. > :26:00.
:26:00. > :26:10.swing. Nice. Do you throw in a "ooh-ah". They are basic ones.
:26:10. > :26:14.
:26:14. > :26:18.one, and the monarchy - the monkey. We all know being a student is
:26:18. > :26:23.stuff, you can get a degree, but you don't want the massive debts.
:26:24. > :26:28.These guys have come up with a novel solution. Two graduates have
:26:28. > :26:35.come up with an unusual solution, by selling advertising on their
:26:35. > :26:40.face. They set up buymyface.com, people could buy their face for day.
:26:40. > :26:45.Bizarrely the idea is working. idea is a hit, they have made
:26:45. > :26:52.�3,500 and they are three weeks in. �3,500 and counting, I liked it so
:26:52. > :27:00.much, and I found the guys and gave them �100 to do this. No, no, no.
:27:00. > :27:05.Once I paid them to do that, I had to make them do this. (dog sound)
:27:05. > :27:11.I had to. This is amazing, you may remember
:27:11. > :27:17.last series I showed you a story about cystic fibrosis sufferer,
:27:17. > :27:20.Kirstie Mills, how about this for a fantastic update. Kirstie has
:27:20. > :27:25.cystic fibrosis. Kirstie's lungs had become so badly damaged in
:27:25. > :27:30.March this year, doctors told her she had at best two-and-a-half
:27:30. > :27:34.years left to live. By May they had revised the estimate to six months.
:27:34. > :27:39.Regardless Kirstie went on to get married, eventhough she spent the
:27:39. > :27:43.days leading up to her wedding in intensive care. New lungs would
:27:43. > :27:47.prolong her life, and she was on the transplant waiting list. The
:27:47. > :27:52.decision after the wedding was to airlift her to the transplant
:27:52. > :27:55.hospital in London to be available if a donor became available.
:27:55. > :28:01.Earlier that day my husband and mum had been called in, they knew it
:28:01. > :28:05.was a matter of hours that I had left. Then it was a surprise that a
:28:05. > :28:10.pair of lungs became available. They didn't know if I was too I
:28:10. > :28:14.will at that point to be transplanted. I really didn't have
:28:14. > :28:24.long left in that day. I was kept on bypass until the lungs arrived.
:28:24. > :28:27.
:28:27. > :28:32.They were transplanted. No-one can tell you how hard
:28:32. > :28:37.transplant will be, but no-one can really tell you how good it is once
:28:37. > :28:41.you get into recovery. And just doing simple things, just feels
:28:41. > :28:48.amazing, and being able to plan what me and Stuart are going to do
:28:48. > :28:53.with our future. Beautiful isn't it.
:28:53. > :28:56.APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, it is
:28:56. > :29:02.Saturday night, which means it is time for my stand-up guest, it is a
:29:02. > :29:06.genuine pleasure to bring this next guy on. He's called Steve Williams.
:29:06. > :29:16.He's absolutely fantastic, he's on tour next year, he is one of the
:29:16. > :29:22.funnyist blokes I know. Welcome the brilliant Steve Williams.
:29:22. > :29:27.Hello. This is cool. I have been warned this evening not to swear,
:29:27. > :29:32.which is difficult. I think swearing it's awesome. You know
:29:32. > :29:41.like a lot of swear words have no negative information at all, bloody,
:29:41. > :29:49.is an achievation of three other words, "by your lady", by your lady,
:29:49. > :29:54.by your lady, bill oddie bloody. As hole, then you pull it out to what
:29:54. > :30:00.it used to be, Ashley Cole. If you have the right accent you can say
:30:00. > :30:10.what you like A Welsh accent has an innocence to it, you say anything.
:30:10. > :30:11.
:30:11. > :30:16.Even stuff as of a sexual nature, dild dough, it doesn't feel like it.
:30:16. > :30:26.- dildo, it doesn't feel rule, it sound like something on telly,
:30:26. > :30:33.dildo's on it. Welsh lawyers can get them out, does my client look
:30:33. > :30:38.like someone who could slap a diabetic with a dildo (in a Welsh
:30:38. > :30:43.accent) I love the Geordie accent, I never under the furore about her
:30:43. > :30:47.accent, America saying they can't understand the accent. You say,
:30:47. > :30:52.it's Geordie, it is not something you are supposed to understand, it
:30:52. > :31:00.took three series of X Factor before you realised she wasn't
:31:01. > :31:10.Gazza. The way the Americans do things, alluminium, Steve have you
:31:10. > :31:14.bed Bern-ard, it's Bernard, Bern- ard is what others do. It is
:31:14. > :31:18.madness. The Geordie accent is a gift, a gift from the heavens to
:31:18. > :31:27.the people of the earth. It is an amazing accent, it goes up at the
:31:27. > :31:31.end. So it sounds happy. It sounds happy, me, I've got cancer (in a
:31:31. > :31:37.Geordie accent) It has an upward inflection. It is where the powers
:31:37. > :31:45.that by changed the sexual transmitted disease, STD to sexual
:31:46. > :31:49.transmitted infection, SDI shepherd's pie, STD, HIV, Andrew
:31:49. > :31:53.Murray. Negative inflation. That is why Geordie's can say anything they
:31:53. > :31:58.want and never get in trouble. I saw a guy in the airport carrying
:31:58. > :32:03.his luggage, his wife said, John, pull it by the handle on the wheels.
:32:03. > :32:07.And John went, because I'm not some kind of puff. But John wasn't
:32:07. > :32:10.homophobic, no, because his accent goes up at the end, he was a
:32:10. > :32:17.character! He can say what he likes, nobody
:32:17. > :32:24.would be offended. Where are you off John? Me, I'm going date
:32:24. > :32:28.raping! Because, in truth, the rb I was told not to swaerbgs - the
:32:28. > :32:33.reason I was told not to swear, it was my wife, she said you don't
:32:33. > :32:37.have to swear to be funny. It is ridiculous, me having a wife.
:32:37. > :32:41.Wedding clamp. I didn't want to get married, not my thing. You have to
:32:41. > :32:49.have a system, have to have a system. I think happy music is
:32:49. > :32:59.always the letter "l", Laa-Laa la, Laa-Laa la. An evil music is always
:32:59. > :33:01.
:33:01. > :33:10.the letter "d", da-da, or Darth Vader, da-da-da-da-da-da. Imagine
:33:10. > :33:13.my feeling when she came into the church going da - da - da - da. The
:33:13. > :33:18.clutches of evil. It is the greatest mistake you could have
:33:18. > :33:23.ever made, she's awesome. As a person I'm a shambles. She saved me,
:33:23. > :33:30.she's like my life jacket. She really is. What I mean, as soon as
:33:30. > :33:35.I put the ring on my finger, she pulled a chord and went whoa. She
:33:35. > :33:39.chunked up pretty quick, we thought she was allergic to wedding cake.
:33:39. > :33:42.Are you all right babe? I can't stop eating it. It is mad, unfair
:33:42. > :33:47.world, it is all marketing, there is nothing more than marketing,
:33:47. > :33:53.women get a tough deal. You look around the department stores,
:33:53. > :34:00.everything is French, Clinique, it is all French, it sounds sexy.
:34:00. > :34:07.There is no perfume called Cockney, Cockney, Wear it you mum pet.
:34:07. > :34:17.French is sexy, sexy vocab. English vocabulary up against French,
:34:17. > :34:26.
:34:26. > :34:31.bakery, bakery, bakery, bouleng arie. Bakery, bakery, bouleng erie,
:34:31. > :34:40.Greggs. This French it is verbal dressage,
:34:40. > :34:45.it is made to sound sexy. Croque monsieur, what is what is this
:34:45. > :34:55.cullinary delight, cheese on toast. It is dressage, we adopt French
:34:55. > :34:55.
:34:55. > :34:59.words, we take on French words like guillotine, deja vu, menag ae et
:34:59. > :35:03.troois, we take on French towards because they sound sexy. The French
:35:03. > :35:07.don't like anglo-words, they don't. They are protectionist with their
:35:07. > :35:12.language. They are wrong, it is age multiculturalism, we should sneak
:35:12. > :35:22.one word, every time one of us goes to France we should sneak one word
:35:22. > :35:32.in, how cool would it be to have two Parisians arguing saying, le
:35:32. > :35:37.clung e monkey! Language is important, it is the
:35:37. > :35:43.building blocks of chuencation. I have had arguments - comuen
:35:43. > :35:47.communecation. I have had arguments about - communecation. I have had
:35:47. > :35:57.arguments with kids. With kids, you know these kids with shoulders up
:35:57. > :35:59.
:35:59. > :36:04.and down like a mobile oil pump on the move. On my road they cut
:36:04. > :36:11.across the street. You see a car coming, and you go oh my God, car
:36:11. > :36:17.coming down, these guys they slow down, you can't run me down, I'm a
:36:17. > :36:24.human being. I'm driving a metal car of two tonnes, I think you can
:36:24. > :36:30.run you over, my problem is I want to, get off the road. It is not
:36:30. > :36:34.their problem. Some of it is the aattire, their pants are down
:36:34. > :36:39.behind them, the crotch of their jeans is brejing between their
:36:39. > :36:42.knees. They probably couldn't move any quicker if they wanted to. They
:36:42. > :36:47.are probably ThinkBroadbanding they are going to die.
:36:47. > :36:51.- thinking they are going to die. The kind of people, my granddad
:36:51. > :36:57.would say put them in the army. Britain has the best army in the
:36:57. > :37:07.world, we don't fill it with turbo pld plebs. I don't know if you have
:37:07. > :37:09.
:37:09. > :37:17.- turbo plebs. Have you seen Ross Kemp is on the Taliban fighters,
:37:17. > :37:20.can you imagine Ross Kemp coming around the corner with the Taliban,
:37:20. > :37:28."it's Grant Mitchell" I'm going to shoot him, you don't shoot him,
:37:28. > :37:32.think, you shoot grant and they send Phil! It is a good idea,
:37:32. > :37:39.celebrities in the army is a good idea. I'm not talking about the top
:37:39. > :37:46.celebrities, I'm talking about the slower strata, the Strictly, and
:37:46. > :37:49.the I'm a celeb - I'm A Celebrity thyme type. The most dangerous time
:37:49. > :37:54.for soldiers is when they spring up, run to the next position and take
:37:54. > :37:58.cover again. My mate is a sold yes, he's a Manchunian. I said that's
:37:59. > :38:03.madness, surely you will be all right, imagine a Manchunian
:38:03. > :38:09.springing up, are you all right, are you all right, it's a moving
:38:09. > :38:13.target. You can't hit him, he's moving too fast. That were close,
:38:13. > :38:18.weren't it. Minor celebrities it could be the answer. Because who
:38:18. > :38:22.here, in the moment, that dangerous moment for a soldier, when they pop
:38:22. > :38:29.their head up over the parapet, who here could pull the trigger of the
:38:29. > :38:34.rifle, who here in that moment would hesitate and go, what's he
:38:34. > :38:42.been in, what's he from? Ahhh. That's Ann Widdecombe, of course.
:38:42. > :38:47.It is a good idea. I recently, the argument was, a kid come down my
:38:47. > :38:53.street, giving it the big one, confidence times a million, threw a
:38:53. > :38:57.crisp packet on the floor. I said, excuse me mate, I live here, mind
:38:57. > :39:01.picking it up. He turns to me, confidence times a million, he says,
:39:01. > :39:05.why, are you my dad or something. I can tell by the look in his eyes
:39:05. > :39:09.not to force the issue, he clearly doesn't know if I'm his dad or not.
:39:09. > :39:14.I say, mate, pick it up. He does that thing, he stairs at me, he
:39:14. > :39:17.stairs at me - stares at me, he's giving me the eyeballs, we all know,
:39:17. > :39:22.when a bloke stares at another block, it is because they want
:39:22. > :39:26.violence to ensue. We have all seen it, what are you looking at? What
:39:26. > :39:31.are you looking at? You are sat there thinking, I was looking at my
:39:31. > :39:37.meal, having glass of wine with my wife, you stabbed and punched your
:39:37. > :39:42.way through the club, punched the bouncer and bit that policeman, and
:39:42. > :39:50.roared like a lion, I have to be honest t kind of caught my fucking
:39:50. > :39:55.iefplt but this guy, pops - eye. But this guy, pops to attention
:39:55. > :40:00.goes whatever, ming er, because your mother works in McDonalds. I
:40:00. > :40:04.like, I like, because it is very rarely you are going to turn
:40:04. > :40:09.violent after spelling! I prefer that, every day of the week to when
:40:09. > :40:12.they do that. Nobody knows what that, whatever, you are going to
:40:12. > :40:22.shoot me with a mime gun. What's going to happen, if you are going
:40:22. > :40:24.
:40:24. > :40:29.to mime a gun back, I'm going to mime back some bullet-proof glass!
:40:29. > :40:34.But the thing is, if you know your language, you can see the game,
:40:34. > :40:43.whatever minger, you have to slam him, the mother works in McDonald,
:40:43. > :40:53.you have to slam his mum and get the spelling right, "m"requests and
:40:53. > :40:55.
:40:55. > :41:04."w", I'm all over him. I'm like, mate, pick up the crisp packet up,
:41:04. > :41:08.munter, your mummy wapbgs willies on the World Wide Web! The most
:41:08. > :41:13.important thing is answer back. Whatever you say, answer back. I
:41:13. > :41:18.saw a brilliant thing. A sign, I was driving through Luton, "welcome
:41:18. > :41:24.to Luton" the sign said, and someone had written "you can't
:41:24. > :41:29.polish a turd" I loved the cheeky little optimist who wrote "no, but
:41:29. > :41:33.you could role it in glitter". You know what I mean. I was driving up
:41:33. > :41:38.the M1, there was this builder's van, they write in the dirt on the
:41:38. > :41:45.back of the van, "I wish my wife was this dirty", brilliantly his
:41:45. > :41:49.wife had twiged this, and she had written in small letters, "I am
:41:50. > :41:58.when you're out driving". The best one I ever saw, in The University
:41:58. > :42:02.of Wales in Cardiff. If you believe in oche morons, someone dk oche
:42:02. > :42:08.morons, someone had written they hate the city and this university
:42:09. > :42:15.and this place. Someone had written "why don't you drop out you thick
:42:15. > :42:25.fucker". The first pen answered back to the second pen, in anger in
:42:25. > :42:25.
:42:25. > :42:33.the back of the door, "I can't drop out, because I teach here".
:42:33. > :42:42.Genius. Ladies and gentlemen thank you very
:42:42. > :42:49.much for your company, I'm Steve Williams.