0:00:02 > 0:00:09THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE
0:00:21 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Thank you very much indeed. Thank you.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32Thank you. Thanks very much. Welcome to Good News.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Hope you've had a good week. What's been going on?
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Over in Russia, this newsreader was caught in the act.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Did anyone else see Stevie Wonder parking his car on the news?
0:00:54 > 0:00:59Is it me, or do some people really fear the north of England?
0:00:59 > 0:01:03A woman from Otley has been telling how passengers screamed in terror
0:01:03 > 0:01:06as their plane tried to land at Leeds Bradford Airport.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09"NO!
0:01:09 > 0:01:10"Not Leeds!"
0:01:12 > 0:01:14It couldn't be a week in the news
0:01:14 > 0:01:17without sexual overlord Eamonn Holmes
0:01:17 > 0:01:19telling us how he makes love.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21In, out, you know the score.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27And finally, there's nothing better than just watching people lose it.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29George Osborne...
0:01:29 > 0:01:31THEY LAUGH
0:01:31 > 0:01:34He denies it, right? He denies it.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Nevertheless, it's come back, because...
0:01:39 > 0:01:40- It's- not funny!
0:01:42 > 0:01:45The Mirror has to take responsibility for this...
0:01:45 > 0:01:48She... She's been told her phone was hacked
0:01:48 > 0:01:51when the Sunday Mirror...
0:01:52 > 0:01:55They got so into it they forgot they were on the news
0:01:55 > 0:01:57and started making jokes.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59This story a few years ago about George
0:01:59 > 0:02:04and this woman who clearly no longer takes cocaine, judging by her size.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07THEY LAUGH
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Anyway, George Osborne
0:02:09 > 0:02:12will be dogged by this,
0:02:12 > 0:02:14and the lawyer...
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Beautiful.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Big news - well, a special baby has been born this week.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Events have been taking place around the world
0:02:25 > 0:02:29to mark the birth of the seven billionth person on the planet.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Seven billion people,
0:02:31 > 0:02:35and still my brother can't get a girlfriend.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37As ever with a big story like this,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40the Daily Mail message boards were heaving with madness.
0:02:47 > 0:02:52"I want the name of every person in the world right now."
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Mind you, not everyone was angry. Some were just confused.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Scientists worry about the increase in population.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10With potentially billions more people,
0:03:10 > 0:03:14pressure on water, food, oil will grow.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17A billion go to bed every night hungry.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- WOMAN LAUGHS - Don't laugh, madam!
0:03:20 > 0:03:25"Hungry?! That's the funniest thing I've ever seen!"
0:03:26 > 0:03:29There's too many of us. The planet can't cope.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?
0:03:32 > 0:03:36We need to start bumping people off. But who?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Don't you worry, I've drawn up a list.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Number one, people who play ringtones out loud on buses.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46People who still do impressions of Austin Powers. Off you fuck.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50People who wear sunglasses indoors, unless you're blind.
0:03:50 > 0:03:55People who say, "I am what I am, OMG, LOL,
0:03:55 > 0:03:59"reem, I'm real, I'm real, I'm real." Really?
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Because I thought you were fucking imaginary!
0:04:03 > 0:04:06And finally, anyone who doesn't like this.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Leave!
0:04:10 > 0:04:11APPLAUSE
0:04:14 > 0:04:16In Blighty, Occupy London was making headlines.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Protesters could remain camped outside St Paul's until the new year
0:04:20 > 0:04:23after authorities offered to halt legal action.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Aside from the issues about vicars losing their jobs and evictions,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29I couldn't take my eyes off the protesters.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30They gave some amazing interviews.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34This guy started off by moaning about the lives of the rich.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36They still have lavish dinners,
0:04:36 > 0:04:38they still have chauffeur-driven Rolls,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40they still have butlers and mansions.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44All good points. But then he really lost it.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46We're at home with our Topshop beans,
0:04:46 > 0:04:50separating each bean onto each plate for our children.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Topshop beans?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58No wonder his kids are upset - he's feeding them jumpers!
0:05:00 > 0:05:04My favourite protester was an Australian called Francis Firebrace.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06This old fella is wonderful.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09You can't hold me, because I'm not doing any harm to anybody.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I'm an elderly man. Come on, use your bloody nous a bit.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Come on, guys. I love you guys.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Isn't that great? "I love you guys."
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Just goes to show, if you're going to protest,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22you don't have to be violent.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25OK, boys, which one of you fellas have I got to fight?
0:05:27 > 0:05:31"I'll rip your eyes out and stick them up your didgeridoo!
0:05:32 > 0:05:34"But I still love you."
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Staying in Oz, in Royal news, the Queen's been on a trip down under.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42The Queen and Prince Philip are in Australia for a ten-day visit.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44They'll be based in the capital, Canberra,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47but will also travel to Melbourne, Brisbane and Perth.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Did you see the Australian media coverage?
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Was it me, or were their reports a little bit morbid?
0:05:54 > 0:05:58The Queen arrives in Canberra for her 16th visit to Australia,
0:05:58 > 0:05:59possibly her last.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01..her last trip to Australia.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03..on what may well be her last ever trip.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- ..her last trip here. - ..probably her very last time.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08I hate to use the word "die", so I won't.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14I'm surprised they didn't follow her around dressed as Death.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16It didn't end there.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Judging by her hand gesture,
0:06:18 > 0:06:20this reporter was having a pop at how Liz smells.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23The Queen touched down in Perth last night.
0:06:24 > 0:06:29"Oh, it's like a dingo's ball bag."
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Not all of the reporters were rude. This guy has to win the award
0:06:32 > 0:06:34for saying exactly what you see.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38The Queen wore lilac and had fresh flowers in her hat.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40The Duke of Edinburgh didn't.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48"Later on, she'll be waving,
0:06:48 > 0:06:49"using her hand."
0:06:49 > 0:06:52The Queen and Prince Philip were there for ten days,
0:06:52 > 0:06:55and they met some interesting people.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58One of my favourites, the BFG's daughter.
0:06:58 > 0:07:03Basketball player Elizabeth Cambage towered over the royal couple
0:07:03 > 0:07:07as they continued their apparently triumphant Australian journey.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I love the moment when the Queen sees her.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10"Hello, you...
0:07:10 > 0:07:14"Holy shit!
0:07:14 > 0:07:15"Look, Philip."
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- AS PHILIP:- "Bloody hell,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20"she's higher than Prince Harry.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22"Let's climb her."
0:07:24 > 0:07:27The biggest scandal of the trip was definitely this.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31In Brisbane, 22-year-old Liam Warriner appeared in court
0:07:31 > 0:07:33after he bared his butt cheeks
0:07:33 > 0:07:36to the Royal motorcade and mooned the Queen.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Classic Aussie behaviour -
0:07:38 > 0:07:42"It's the Queen. I better flash her my shit pipe."
0:07:42 > 0:07:45So, how did the Royals react? I bet they were terrified.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48The Prince gave me a nice wave. It was lovely.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50"Hello.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54"It's like a yawning Wookiee."
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Next up, this has to be the saddest story of the week.
0:07:59 > 0:08:04The veteran radio DJ and television presenter Sir Jimmy Savile has died.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I was gutted. He was great.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10You don't get people like him on TV any more. He looked amazing.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Look at that! He's like a cross between Gandalf,
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Boris Johnson and Vicky Pollard.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21Some of you probably don't know who he was, why he was famous. Check this out.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Good evening, ladies and gentleman. Welcome to Jim'll Fix It.
0:08:24 > 0:08:29# There must be something that you always want to do... #
0:08:29 > 0:08:32He was the man who made dreams come true.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Damn right he did. Basically, kids used to write to him
0:08:35 > 0:08:37and ask him to make their dreams come true.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41And back then, their dreams were insane.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44"Dear Jim, please could you fix it for me to be a suitcase
0:08:44 > 0:08:47"and go on the luggage conveyor at an airport."
0:08:47 > 0:08:49THAT is children's TV.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Forget Dick and Dom.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53"Can I be a suitcase?"
0:08:53 > 0:08:54"Damn right you can"
0:08:59 > 0:09:02APPLAUSE
0:09:05 > 0:09:08"I'm a suitcase!
0:09:09 > 0:09:11"This is amazing!
0:09:11 > 0:09:15"People said I should have asked Jim to play football at Wembley.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16"Dicks."
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Jimmy Savile was such a big part of my childhood.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Without him, I'd never have watched some chubby Scouts
0:09:24 > 0:09:26eat their dinner on a roller coaster.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Five, four, three, two, one...
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Thanks, Jim.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55The only criticism I have of Jimmy - he never answered my letter.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57"Dear Jim, can you fix it for me
0:09:57 > 0:09:59"to look less like Harry Potter?"
0:10:05 > 0:10:09Mind you, those glasses got me a lot of ladies.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Dinner ladies.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Have you seen the latest craze hitting British playgrounds?
0:10:24 > 0:10:25Look at this.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Marbles...just say no.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Will kids be in rehab?
0:10:37 > 0:10:41"My name is Sarah and I am a marbles gambler.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43"It got so bad,
0:10:43 > 0:10:47"to pay my debts, I had to put Igglepiggle on the game.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52"She's a good little slut, though. Makes me money."
0:10:56 > 0:10:57That's a bit full on, Sarah.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00"Yeah, it's just how I get when I'm pimping."
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Have you seen where they get the money?
0:11:03 > 0:11:07They're stealing cash, DVDs and computer games.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Don't steal from your parents. Surely the best way to make money -
0:11:11 > 0:11:12blackmail.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Take a photo of yourself naked, put it in your teacher's bag,
0:11:16 > 0:11:18threaten to go to the papers!
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Easy money.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Over in Russia, there's an alarming promotion in a sex shop.
0:11:24 > 0:11:29Casanova 69 is offering kids and adults
0:11:29 > 0:11:32the chance to win an unspecified gift from the chain
0:11:32 > 0:11:34if they can answer one simple question -
0:11:34 > 0:11:37where do babies come from?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40That's right, a Russian sex shop is offering children
0:11:40 > 0:11:42an unspecified gift
0:11:42 > 0:11:45if they can tell them where babies come from.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I mean, it makes obvious sense.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Remember when you were little,
0:11:48 > 0:11:52how much you wanted something from a sex shop?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54I remember Christmas.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Dear Santa, please can I have some crayons,
0:11:58 > 0:12:00a bike
0:12:00 > 0:12:04and a vibrating butt plug?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I never got that bike.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14APPLAUSE
0:12:16 > 0:12:20I'm worried by this news - if sex shops are trying to appeal to kids,
0:12:20 > 0:12:25how long before we start seeing children's TV shows like this?
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Hi, kids!
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I'm Mr Dildo!
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Where's Mr Dildo hiding today?
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Is he in Mummy?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Is he in Daddy?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Where, oh, where could Mr Dildo be?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50RATTLING
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Mr Dildo! You are naughty!
0:12:57 > 0:12:59APPLAUSE
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Technology news.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09The iPhone is having a wee bit of bother in Scotland.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12It created excitement among techno geeks
0:13:12 > 0:13:15when it was launched in London less than two weeks ago.
0:13:15 > 0:13:20But now the new iPhone 4s is instead creating confusion.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- Is it a nice day? - Let's see what it says.
0:13:24 > 0:13:29'I don't know what you mean by "Is it NAS Deeta says?"'
0:13:29 > 0:13:33That's right, the latest iPhone can't understand Scottish people.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Are there phones in Glasgow saying,
0:13:35 > 0:13:39"I do not know where the nearest smack dealer is"?
0:13:41 > 0:13:45"I will find one when you have finished school."
0:13:45 > 0:13:48It's little wonder the iPhone's confused.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Scottish people are asking it pretty weird questions.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Do you like men? >
0:13:53 > 0:13:55'This is about you, not me.'
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Remind me to clean my ass cheeks once I've taken a dump. >
0:14:07 > 0:14:10- AS iPHONE:- Remind me to kill myself.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12But the iPhone cock-up is nothing
0:14:12 > 0:14:15compared to Nikon's face recognition camera.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18If you think misunderstanding a Scottish accent was bad,
0:14:18 > 0:14:22look what their camera told this lady when she took a photo.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25"Did someone blink?"
0:14:26 > 0:14:29No.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32But someone made a camera that was racist.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39From technology that struggles with humans, to humans who struggle with technology.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42It's estimated that 8.7 million adults here in the UK
0:14:42 > 0:14:44have never been online.
0:14:44 > 0:14:4842% of those people are aged 55 or over.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52To turn this around, a BBC scheme called Give An Hour was set up
0:14:52 > 0:14:53to get pensioners online.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Fair to say, some of them are quite scared of technology.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00The biggest fear is when you move that mouse, what's it going to do?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05"What's it going to do?
0:15:05 > 0:15:09"It's not just the mouse. I heard my computer's full of RAM.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12"Someone's put a sheep in my computer."
0:15:13 > 0:15:16So how are they getting people like him online?
0:15:16 > 0:15:19The challenge - 250 internet users
0:15:19 > 0:15:23getting 250 internet virgins online in just an hour.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Well, that is going to be a nightmare.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Not the technology, but protecting pensioners
0:15:27 > 0:15:31from the ridiculous amounts of internet porn.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32It's everywhere.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Let's do some online shopping. Type what you want into Google.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39"OK! I love fudge.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45"Bloody hell!"
0:15:45 > 0:15:48OK, forget about food. Let's get you a lovely present.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51"Okey-dokey. I want a pearl necklace."
0:15:51 > 0:15:54No, you don't! Let's get you a scarf.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56"No, I want a pearl necklace."
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Stop saying that!
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Despite that, it's great that pensioners are getting online,
0:16:01 > 0:16:04because otherwise they'd miss out on things like this.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Over in New Zealand, check out this massive crime story.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Police say a large dog attacked and punctured four tyres
0:16:17 > 0:16:18before taking off.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Holy shit!
0:16:20 > 0:16:22A dog is chewing tyres!
0:16:22 > 0:16:25You're probably thinking, "Why are you showing me this?"
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Why? Because you're about to see
0:16:27 > 0:16:31some of the most mind-blowing CGI known to mankind.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35A South Auckland police sergeant was patrolling the Mangere street.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Bruno attacked his vehicle, biting the tyre, puncturing it.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40The cop changed the tyre,
0:16:40 > 0:16:42but when he returned, the bull-mastiff cross
0:16:42 > 0:16:44again attacked his tyre,
0:16:44 > 0:16:46again puncturing it.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Another sergeant came to the officer's aid,
0:16:49 > 0:16:52but he, too, had his tyre attacked and punctured.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54It's like Avatar, isn't it?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56If you think what he did to the car was bad,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58check out what he did to the police officer.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Now a cracking story about Snoop Dogg.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08The rapper Snoop Dogg has gone to some extraordinary lengths
0:17:08 > 0:17:10to broaden his fan base
0:17:10 > 0:17:13by personally appealing to a Welsh farmer
0:17:13 > 0:17:14to come to his concert.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16This story is brilliant.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19A bloke called Ian Neale grew the world's biggest turnip,
0:17:19 > 0:17:22and Snoop Dogg invited him to a gig.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Shout out to my homeboy Ian Neale in Cardiff
0:17:25 > 0:17:28for breaking the world's record for the biggest vegetable.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Man, when I do my show in Cardiff,
0:17:30 > 0:17:32I want you to come backstage and see me,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35cos I do vegetation myself and I want to know your secret
0:17:35 > 0:17:37so I can show you my vegetables
0:17:37 > 0:17:40and see if you can grow that into a real big vegetable.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46I wonder what Snoop could be growing?!
0:17:46 > 0:17:50It's so blatant - he's literally surrounded by cannabis.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53You're probably thinking, "I doubt he went to the gig."
0:17:53 > 0:17:57Well, guess again. Not only did he go, he had quite the adventure.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00I got my VIP pass with me to show my friends.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02And you met him last night?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I met him last night and I had a smoke with him.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07I don't smoke, but he offered me one so I took one.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09I'm hoping that's just tobacco.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11No, it wasn't!
0:18:12 > 0:18:14APPLAUSE
0:18:17 > 0:18:20"Why do you think I'm wearing this shirt?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22"I'm off my tits!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25"I feel like I'm in a fruit bowl!"
0:18:25 > 0:18:27So, how long did you have with Snoop?
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Ten minutes.
0:18:28 > 0:18:33There were four of us in my party, and we had ten minutes with him.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35What else did you chat about?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37"No idea!
0:18:37 > 0:18:40"His stuff was so strong, my shirt started talking to me."
0:18:41 > 0:18:44I love how he sums up the concert.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Yes, it was an experience. In fact, I'm still deaf.
0:18:47 > 0:18:52Mind you, if he's deaf, at least he couldn't hear this.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55OUT OF TUNE: # Come on and let me know
0:18:55 > 0:18:58# Should I stay or should I go? #
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Go.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02And take your pubic lice with you.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04APPLAUSE
0:19:04 > 0:19:07He crucified that classic song.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Over in Scotland, here's a report about an eating competition
0:19:12 > 0:19:14that ended in disaster.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17An Indian restaurant in Edinburgh has been criticised
0:19:17 > 0:19:20after its World's Hottest Chilli competition
0:19:20 > 0:19:21left two people in hospital.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Hospital?!
0:19:24 > 0:19:27"How was the chilli contest?" "My arse doesn't work."
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I know what you're thinking -
0:19:31 > 0:19:34if only this story happened in New Zealand.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Imagine the graphics they'd have in the news.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51There's a mystery guest who's been in the news and I have to figure out who it is.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53So please welcome my mystery guest.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Hello!
0:20:06 > 0:20:10- Your plumage has come down. - Hello.- I'm Russell.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- Nice to meet you.- My name's Ian. - Can I sit here?- Yes, please.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18So, Ian, I imagine it has something to do with gardening.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- No.- Nothing to do with gardening?
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Good curve ball. We're in a greenhouse. Has it got something to do with your hat?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28No, that's health and safety reasons.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Right. Makes sense, doesn't it?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Health and safety making you dress like a bullock.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37- IAN LAUGHS HEARTILY - Good laugh.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41That was the kind of laugh of a man who should be next to a fire.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42RUSSELL CACKLES
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- "Pull my finger." - Fire - that's close.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- Fire's close.- Yes, yes. - Are you the firestarter?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49No.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- Twisted firestarter?- No. No!
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Do you smack your bitch up?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55No. No, no.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- You'll piss yourself when you get it.- Nice!
0:21:01 > 0:21:04I love these interviews. They're not like Parkinson.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- No.- OK, you're going to have to help me out.
0:21:07 > 0:21:08- I'll give you another clue.- OK.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14Oh, that's an infrared... Do you shoot things at night?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16- No.- Are you the champion of...? Why have you got
0:21:16 > 0:21:19an infrared sight? What's that?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Do you go...?
0:21:21 > 0:21:22I am the current
0:21:22 > 0:21:26- 40th and 41st world pea-shooting champion.- Oh!
0:21:26 > 0:21:28There you go!
0:21:28 > 0:21:29APPLAUSE
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- Would you like to have a go? - I'd love to.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Back a bit. Come on.
0:21:41 > 0:21:4212 foot.
0:21:42 > 0:21:4512 foot, 12 inches,
0:21:45 > 0:21:47and we fire peas at the target.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- OK.- Every now and then you get a bad pea.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52In fact, pea selection is key to the...
0:21:52 > 0:21:54You seem like a lovely bloke,
0:21:54 > 0:21:58but that is one of the dullest things any man has ever said to me.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01You are lovely, but "Pea selection is a very important thing...
0:22:01 > 0:22:04"ladies."
0:22:05 > 0:22:06That's it, that's it.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10- Very close.- That was crap. You do it.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14I've dropped my pea. I've pea-ed on the stage now!
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Show me how it's done.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- OK.- Let's make this interesting.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Actually, hang on a minute.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33This will be like a really weird recreation of how...
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Agh!
0:22:38 > 0:22:39APPLAUSE
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Get it!
0:22:47 > 0:22:51Oh, nice. Nice. And again. No, let's do it like Robin Hood.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Can you do it like this?
0:22:53 > 0:22:56APPLAUSE
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- You did it, though.- I know!
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- You can't put a champion off. - I can't put a champion off.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- Let's do it again. - Give it a good go. Hey, careful!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16You can't!
0:23:16 > 0:23:17APPLAUSE
0:23:20 > 0:23:24Do it again and touch my dick, come on.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27No!
0:23:30 > 0:23:32You can't put a champion off.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36No, no, go downstairs.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Go on, rub it, really rub it.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Go on, touch my dick!
0:23:41 > 0:23:43No!
0:23:45 > 0:23:46It won't go.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49YEAH!
0:23:49 > 0:23:52APPLAUSE
0:23:56 > 0:23:59So, the first question that leaps to mind,
0:23:59 > 0:24:01why the Viking helmet?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- Health and safety. - You keep saying that.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06There's people shooting behind you as you're trying to shoot.
0:24:06 > 0:24:11- It protects the back of your neck. - I get that, but why the horns?
0:24:11 > 0:24:14It was just given to me as a gift.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15That's a back story.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18- Who gave you that as a gift? - My daughter.- Lovely!
0:24:18 > 0:24:20- How old is she?- Er, 26.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24- I'm- 24!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Did you hear that?
0:24:28 > 0:24:31APPLAUSE
0:24:31 > 0:24:34- That's on telly. - It changes every year!
0:24:37 > 0:24:40That's on telly forever.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44- I enjoyed that. Nice to meet you. - Thank you very much.
0:24:44 > 0:24:49- A genuine pleasure. Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!- Russell?- What?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51I was on the news for something else as well.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55- Ian?- I, er...- Ian...?
0:24:55 > 0:24:57I trimmed a bush.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- You what?- I trimmed a bush into an obscene shape,
0:25:00 > 0:25:05a todgery-type shape.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07So you turned your bush into a penis?
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Yes.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12That's not often been done.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- Yeah...- What made you do that?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23I couldn't do a dog.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25APPLAUSE
0:25:26 > 0:25:31- Please give it up for my mystery guest! - APPLAUSE
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Now, if you think you've woken up grumpy today,
0:25:38 > 0:25:40you've got nothing on this guy.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Confused and angry,
0:25:42 > 0:25:45an elderly man in a morgue in South Africa...
0:25:46 > 0:25:49..led away from the premises
0:25:49 > 0:25:50after he was found alive
0:25:50 > 0:25:52in the mortician's fridge.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56Workers thought he had died the day before.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Imagine waking up in a morgue.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01It would be horrific.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Mind you, if that were me, I'd have to take the piss.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07When they pulled me out, I'd freak them out and do the Thriller dance.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11What I want to know, how the hell did this happen?
0:26:11 > 0:26:15His family asked the morgue to collect his body
0:26:15 > 0:26:16after they could not wake him.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20How shit are his family?!
0:26:20 > 0:26:22"Grandad?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24"He's dead. Whack him in the fridge."
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Grandad will never sleep again. "What do you want for dinner?"
0:26:28 > 0:26:30"Red Bull and cocaine!"
0:26:36 > 0:26:39This week's story is about a young man called Patrick Hughes.
0:26:39 > 0:26:40It's wonderful.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Born without eyes
0:26:44 > 0:26:47and a tightening of the joints that prevents his limbs straightening,
0:26:47 > 0:26:51Patrick has been blind and crippled from birth.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53We asked, "Why us?" We played by the rules.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56We worked hard. We just didn't understand.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02That heartbreak began to fade even before Patrick's first birthday,
0:27:02 > 0:27:05from his first moments at the family's piano.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10By his second birthday, he was playing requests.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Can you play You Are My Sunshine?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15HE PLAYS THE MELODY
0:27:19 > 0:27:21OK, we're not going to play baseball,
0:27:21 > 0:27:24but we're going to play music together. That was really exciting.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26MUSIC: "Clair de Lune" by Debussy
0:27:30 > 0:27:34He's my hero. I've told him before.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36What he goes through,
0:27:36 > 0:27:40it's taught me that I don't really have any complaints.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44God made me blind and unable to walk.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45Big deal.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49He gave me the ability, the musical gifts I have
0:27:49 > 0:27:52and the great opportunity to meet new people.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56How would you describe your disabilities?
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Not disabilities at all, more abilities.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14It's Saturday night so it's time for my stand up guest.
0:28:14 > 0:28:15This next bloke's brilliant.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17I saw him a few years ago, he was amazing,
0:28:17 > 0:28:19he keeps getting better.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21He's lovely, imaginative funny, great.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24So please welcome the brilliant Henry Paker.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Hello, thank you, thanks.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Hello, yes, come on!
0:28:34 > 0:28:38Before we start, I want to get something straight, OK?
0:28:38 > 0:28:43Because I'm slightly tall, and don't really have any hair,
0:28:43 > 0:28:46er, occasionally people confuse me
0:28:46 > 0:28:50for somebody who might be interested in a fight.
0:28:50 > 0:28:54I want to make it quite clear that I'm not. Right.
0:28:55 > 0:28:59Basically the hardest thing I've ever done is I once punched the air...
0:29:01 > 0:29:05..because I'd just successfully cooked meringues.
0:29:05 > 0:29:09"Crunchy on the outside, soft in the middle, get in!"
0:29:09 > 0:29:11So I'm not hard, but I do get angry.
0:29:11 > 0:29:15This morning I got quite angry,
0:29:15 > 0:29:18because I had to pretend to be French.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24Just briefly I had to pretend to be French,
0:29:24 > 0:29:27I don't know if anyone else had that.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29No? Just for about three seconds
0:29:29 > 0:29:31this morning I had to pretend to be French.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34It happens to me most days, actually.
0:29:34 > 0:29:38The reason is that the pastry that I like to order
0:29:38 > 0:29:40in my local cafe is called...
0:29:40 > 0:29:42IN FRENCH ACCENT: ..pain au chocolat.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48And you have to briefly pretend to be French, don't you,
0:29:48 > 0:29:51while saying, "Pain au chocolat". You're not allowed to say,
0:29:51 > 0:29:54IN ENGLISH ACCENT: "Pain o chocolate".
0:29:54 > 0:29:57They don't like that.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59So you have to pretend to be French and it stresses me out.
0:29:59 > 0:30:03I'm in the queue waiting to get to the front, sort of warming up.
0:30:03 > 0:30:08"Er, pain au chocolat, pain au... pain-pain au chocolat."
0:30:08 > 0:30:12"Pain au chocolat, pain au chocolat, pain-pain-pain au chocolat."
0:30:12 > 0:30:13"Pain au chocolat."
0:30:13 > 0:30:16Sort of getting into character.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19IN HEAVY FRENCH ACCENT: "Pain au chocolat."
0:30:19 > 0:30:21"Pain au chocolat!"
0:30:21 > 0:30:24"Bof, c'est pain au chocolat, oui, c'est pain au chocolat,
0:30:24 > 0:30:28"mais en meme temps, c'est, ouai, c'est pain au chocolat, oui!"
0:30:28 > 0:30:31"Oui, c'est pain au chocolat, mais en meme temps, c'est pain au chocolat!"
0:30:31 > 0:30:33"Bof!"
0:30:33 > 0:30:36"C'est pain au chocolat!"
0:30:38 > 0:30:41"Pain au chocolat, mmm!"
0:30:43 > 0:30:45So I get to the front of the queue, right,
0:30:45 > 0:30:47everything else is in my normal voice,
0:30:47 > 0:30:50"Hello, hi, yeah, how are you? Brilliant, yeah.
0:30:50 > 0:30:52"Yes, so today I'm going to go for, er,
0:30:52 > 0:30:56"Yeah, just on the left of the sausage rolls, yeah.
0:30:56 > 0:30:58"In-between the sausage rolls and the lemon drizzle...
0:30:58 > 0:31:02"You're going to make me say it?
0:31:02 > 0:31:04"Yeah, the PAIN AU CHOCOLAT!"
0:31:04 > 0:31:07I fucking nailed it this morning, it was unbelievable.
0:31:07 > 0:31:08"Oui, monsieur."
0:31:08 > 0:31:11Also, I don't think this happens in France, does it?
0:31:11 > 0:31:13Do they do this in France as well?
0:31:13 > 0:31:17Do they go into the boulangerie, "Bonjour, monsieur." "Bonjour, madame."
0:31:17 > 0:31:20"Alors, aujourd'hui je voudrais, alors, deux croissants,
0:31:20 > 0:31:24"une baguette, et un...
0:31:24 > 0:31:27IN ENGLISH ACCENT: "pasty."
0:31:32 > 0:31:35"Merci beaucoup, merci."
0:31:35 > 0:31:37"Mmm, mmm, oh, delicieux.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39"Oui, j'adore le pasty!"
0:31:39 > 0:31:43"Mwah, bon appetit."
0:31:43 > 0:31:49So I like to go to my local cafe and sit there with my laptop,
0:31:49 > 0:31:54you know, taking on the big questions in life.
0:31:54 > 0:31:57Like for example, what is the point...
0:31:57 > 0:31:59of the insert key?
0:32:01 > 0:32:03Why have they put this key on the keyboard?
0:32:03 > 0:32:06The insert key? Who...?
0:32:06 > 0:32:09This is the key that you press by accident.
0:32:11 > 0:32:16Nobody ever deliberately presses the insert key.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19This is the key where you're typing away happily,
0:32:19 > 0:32:24not a care in the world, you look up at the screen,
0:32:24 > 0:32:28and you see that you're typing through what you wrote before!
0:32:29 > 0:32:31Who does that on purpose?
0:32:32 > 0:32:35I think there's too many capital letters
0:32:35 > 0:32:38and too many exclamation marks in text messages.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41Everyone's shouting everything the whole time.
0:32:41 > 0:32:43And there's that weird one,
0:32:43 > 0:32:46the question mark, exclamation mark combo.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48What is that emotion?
0:32:48 > 0:32:50I've never felt like that.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53"You coming to the pub?"
0:32:53 > 0:32:55"?!"
0:32:58 > 0:33:00"See you later."
0:33:00 > 0:33:04"I don't know?!"
0:33:04 > 0:33:06Very stressful.
0:33:08 > 0:33:12I don't use exclamation marks, I use dot-dot-dot.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15Yeah... Very different mood...
0:33:15 > 0:33:18created by dot-dot-dot...
0:33:18 > 0:33:23Turns my text messages into little thrillers.
0:33:23 > 0:33:26"Ooh, what's going to happen next? It's so exciting."
0:33:26 > 0:33:29"Do you want to have a pizza later...?"
0:33:29 > 0:33:32"What could he mean?
0:33:32 > 0:33:37"Who is this man? I need to get under his skin, work out how he thinks."
0:33:37 > 0:33:39But my phone has this really annoying habit -
0:33:39 > 0:33:43when I try to punctuate, my phone predicts a smiley.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47That's not what I want.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50So I might be texting a lady, trying to sound suave,
0:33:50 > 0:33:52"See you later at the pub...
0:33:54 > 0:33:58"Anything could happen..."
0:33:58 > 0:33:59Quite suave, isn't it?
0:33:59 > 0:34:02Quite suave and seductive, yeah?
0:34:02 > 0:34:06Except that my phone turns it into, "See you later at the pub...
0:34:06 > 0:34:09"Anything could happen..."
0:34:24 > 0:34:26Anti suave!
0:34:28 > 0:34:30Not remotely seductive.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33I'm not a very seductive person in general, actually.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35I'm very bad at seducing ladies.
0:34:35 > 0:34:39One of my main problems is that I'm very bad at giving the eye.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42It's a skill I've never mastered, giving the eye.
0:34:42 > 0:34:45I tried to do it the other day in the cafe.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48There was me and this girl sitting there, no-one else there.
0:34:48 > 0:34:50I thought I'd give her a bit of the eye.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53So I started looking at her, I can do eye contact.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55That's the first bit, eye contact, I can do that.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58But the crucial thing is the smile,
0:34:58 > 0:35:01because if you don't do the smile, it's just...
0:35:13 > 0:35:16So the smile is crucial.
0:35:16 > 0:35:20So I was looking at her and I thought, I'm going to do the smile.
0:35:20 > 0:35:21But I chickened out.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23When it came to the moment of smiling,
0:35:23 > 0:35:27I chickened out and I looked away, I looked down.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29But this was the pathetic bit.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32I then thought to myself, maybe it's not too late.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37Maybe it's not too late for the smile.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40Maybe I can still do the smile after I've looked down
0:35:40 > 0:35:43and it will have a sort of retrospective smile effect.
0:35:43 > 0:35:46So this is what happened when I gave her the eye.
0:36:00 > 0:36:04APPLAUSE
0:36:07 > 0:36:10Now one of the many problems with this is that it looked as
0:36:10 > 0:36:12if I was picturing her murder.
0:36:16 > 0:36:19Either that or flirting with my pain au chocolat.
0:36:23 > 0:36:27But, er, I just want to make it very clear,
0:36:27 > 0:36:28I have never murdered anybody.
0:36:28 > 0:36:31But if I did, if I did murder somebody,
0:36:31 > 0:36:34I'd like to think that when they interviewed my friends
0:36:34 > 0:36:36on television, they would say
0:36:36 > 0:36:39what the friends of murderers always say, which is,
0:36:39 > 0:36:43"Yes, so when I found out that Henry Paker had murdered a lady,
0:36:43 > 0:36:46"I couldn't believe it, I couldn't believe it.
0:36:46 > 0:36:50"Henry Paker of all people. He was such a normal guy.
0:36:50 > 0:36:54"I couldn't believe it, Henry Paker! I couldn't believe it.
0:36:54 > 0:36:58"He was such a normal guy, Henry Paker, I couldn't believe it.
0:36:58 > 0:37:02"I couldn't believe it!"
0:37:02 > 0:37:06I don't want to be the first murderer of all time...
0:37:06 > 0:37:11who, when they interview my friend on television, he says,
0:37:11 > 0:37:16"Yes, so when I found out that Henry Paker had diced up a lady
0:37:16 > 0:37:19"and turned her into a Shepherd's Pie,
0:37:19 > 0:37:22"and then sort of made her skin into a kind of tutu...
0:37:24 > 0:37:27"..I thought to myself...
0:37:27 > 0:37:29"yeah.
0:37:30 > 0:37:31"Classic Paker.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36"He is a legend."
0:37:36 > 0:37:41Another of my problems is that, er, I'm a big fake.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46I feel guilty about it. I'm a big fake, I'm living a lie.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49Cos I tell people I'm really into culture and stuff.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52I'm into books and literature and films.
0:37:52 > 0:37:55But it's bollocks. It really is.
0:37:55 > 0:37:57I'm also very slow at reading.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00I'll always have a book that's on the go.
0:38:00 > 0:38:03And every two or three months, I'll come back to it,
0:38:03 > 0:38:06fish it out from under my bed, find my bookmark where
0:38:06 > 0:38:09I left off two months ago, and start reading from there.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12But the trouble is it's been so long
0:38:12 > 0:38:16since I read the book that I've forgotten who all the characters are.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18I don't really know what's going on.
0:38:18 > 0:38:22I have a little trick, which is that I go back ten pages.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26No-one needs to know.
0:38:26 > 0:38:30I go back ten pages and start reading from ten pages ago.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33This gives me a sort of refresher course on all the characters.
0:38:33 > 0:38:36It's a good system except that about five pages later...
0:38:36 > 0:38:40HE SNORES
0:38:40 > 0:38:42So the bookmark goes back in the book,
0:38:42 > 0:38:45the book goes back under the bed.
0:38:46 > 0:38:49Three months later, I come back to the book,
0:38:49 > 0:38:52I think I'm really going to nail it this time.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54Really going to read this motherflipper.
0:38:54 > 0:38:58Fish the book out, find my place, no idea what's going on,
0:38:58 > 0:39:03go back about ten pages and read about another five pages.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07So I'm going backwards!
0:39:08 > 0:39:10I unread!
0:39:10 > 0:39:14I've invented unread.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17Eventually, I end up back at the front cover,
0:39:17 > 0:39:18"Oh yes, Oliver Twist, yes.
0:39:18 > 0:39:24"I've been meaning to give this a go. I'm going to read Oliver Twist."
0:39:24 > 0:39:27Then I realise I've completely forgotten everything
0:39:27 > 0:39:30that happened in the previous book that I read.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33So I have to go back and unread the previous book,
0:39:33 > 0:39:35then unread the book before that, then unread the book,
0:39:35 > 0:39:38before that book, before that book, before that book, before that book,
0:39:38 > 0:39:39before that book, before that book...
0:39:39 > 0:39:43I'm currently on The Very Hungry Caterpillar.
0:39:45 > 0:39:51Which, by the way, when you unread it, is about a bulimic butterfly.
0:39:53 > 0:39:54It's not as nice.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58It's not as uplifting.
0:39:58 > 0:40:00I unread the Bible.
0:40:00 > 0:40:04Very different when you unread the Bible.
0:40:04 > 0:40:06In the New Testament, right, when you unread it,
0:40:06 > 0:40:10God sends Jesus down to earth on a cross...
0:40:12 > 0:40:14..which he isn't very happy about.
0:40:14 > 0:40:18But luckily, there are these helpful Romans gathered there.
0:40:21 > 0:40:23And they spot Jesus up on the cross
0:40:23 > 0:40:25and they go up the hill and they rescue him.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30And they carry him down the hill and let him go on his way.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32It's quite nice.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35Mel Gibson hates that version.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37Then it gets a bit weird,
0:40:37 > 0:40:40because Jesus starts touring the Holy Land, lecturing people.
0:40:40 > 0:40:43But he does seem to be quite boring,
0:40:43 > 0:40:45because he gradually has less and less followers.
0:40:48 > 0:40:50I think it's cos he's pissing people off.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53Like, he meets this man who can see and makes him blind.
0:40:56 > 0:41:00He's quite irritating in this version.
0:41:00 > 0:41:045,000 people, happily tucking in to bread and fish...
0:41:06 > 0:41:08Jesus Christ has got other ideas.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11He turns up, turns all their food into five loaves and two fish.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15Eventually, he ends up as a little baby in a barn
0:41:15 > 0:41:19and three old men come along and nick all his presents.
0:41:26 > 0:41:28Which I think he had coming, frankly.
0:41:28 > 0:41:31The Old Testament is also very different,
0:41:31 > 0:41:33when you unread the Old Testament.
0:41:33 > 0:41:36Adam and Eve are this highly-sexed couple...
0:41:38 > 0:41:41..always doing it in different places and positions.
0:41:41 > 0:41:45They decide to break into a garden, to spice things up a bit.
0:41:46 > 0:41:50They are about to make love when, suddenly, Eve regurgitates an apple.
0:41:52 > 0:41:55GRUNTING
0:41:58 > 0:41:59They are both so disgusted by this
0:41:59 > 0:42:02that they both permanently lose their sex drives.
0:42:02 > 0:42:09God is so pissed off about this that he has a day off...
0:42:09 > 0:42:13LAUGHTER
0:42:13 > 0:42:15..and then destroys the entire world.
0:42:15 > 0:42:18APPLAUSE
0:42:24 > 0:42:27I was Henry Paker, thank you for listening. Goodnight!
0:42:27 > 0:42:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:30 > 0:42:31Ladies and gentleman,
0:42:31 > 0:42:33please give it up for Henry Paker!
0:42:38 > 0:42:41Thank you very much for watching Good News. Goodnight!
0:43:02 > 0:43:05Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:43:05 > 0:43:08E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk