0:00:02 > 0:00:06Contains some strong language.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Thank you! Hello!
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Welcome to Good News. Hope you had a good week.
0:00:33 > 0:00:34What's been happening?
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Well, first up, Frankie Cocozza was spotted in traffic.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Tell you what, I've been angry in my time,
0:00:45 > 0:00:47but I've never made a noise like this.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49They should be saying, "It's your show next month,
0:00:49 > 0:00:51"can we put up a couple of signs for you?" I mean...
0:00:51 > 0:00:53HE GIGGLES DERISIVELY
0:00:55 > 0:00:58HIGH-PITCHED WAIL
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Let's be honest, it wouldn't be a week in the news
0:01:01 > 0:01:04without clunge lord Eamonn Holmes bragging about his sex life.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06I find I'm very hot in bed all the time.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10And finally, it may just be me,
0:01:10 > 0:01:12but I think this bloke's in love.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13I don't think so, actually,
0:01:13 > 0:01:15it's just...
0:01:15 > 0:01:19# I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight
0:01:19 > 0:01:23# I've never seen you shine so bright
0:01:23 > 0:01:24# Hmm-mm-mm... #
0:01:28 > 0:01:31So, this was definitely the big showbiz news of the week.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Baby-faced Justin Bieber's denied
0:01:34 > 0:01:37he fathered a child with one of his fans.
0:01:37 > 0:01:4020-year-old Mariah Yeater reckoned her and Biebs had a brief encounter
0:01:40 > 0:01:43backstage after one of his concerts in October last year.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Justin Bieber can breed?!
0:01:46 > 0:01:49No, no, no, no, no, no!
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Eurgh!
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Imagine shagging Justin Bieber!
0:01:57 > 0:01:59It'd be horrible!
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Like being raped by a chipmunk!
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Wouldn't it be great if she got an STD?
0:02:05 > 0:02:10From then on, thrush would be known as Bieber fever.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13So, where did this romantic meeting allegedly take place?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16According to her, this all took place in a backstage toilet.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21He did her in the backstage toilet?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24I've never heard it called that before.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Still, I bet she had the time of her life.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Sure that's where he got his song from.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35"Baby, baby, baby!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37"Ohh!"
0:02:38 > 0:02:40The funniest thing about this story
0:02:40 > 0:02:43is the gentle poetic language he allegedly used to woo her.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47"He began touching me and repeatedly said
0:02:47 > 0:02:49"he wanted to fuck the shit out of me!"
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Filthy little Bieber!
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Using words like that, he's only eight!
0:02:56 > 0:03:01It's such a ridiculous saying. "I'm gonna fuck the shit out o' you!"
0:03:01 > 0:03:03It's the least sexy thing you could possibly...
0:03:03 > 0:03:05What you're basically saying is,
0:03:05 > 0:03:09"I'm going to make love to you until there's no poo left in your body!
0:03:09 > 0:03:11"No poo!
0:03:12 > 0:03:15"You have no poo, I got rid of your poo!
0:03:15 > 0:03:19"How does that sound?" It sounds repellent, you eight-year-old freak!
0:03:19 > 0:03:23So, how has the world reacted to the claims that Bieber can breed?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Fair to say, not well!
0:03:25 > 0:03:28SCREAMING
0:03:33 > 0:03:36APPLAUSE
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Thank you!
0:03:40 > 0:03:43The person I feel sorry for is Bieber's kid.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45He's going to have a tough time at school.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47KNOCK AT THE DOOR
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Come in.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54What is it, boy?
0:03:54 > 0:03:59The other kids keep bullying me cos I'm Justin Bieber's son!
0:03:59 > 0:04:03You're...Justin Bieber's son?
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Uh-huh.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Next up, did you hear about the Russian cosmonauts
0:04:09 > 0:04:11who spent a year and a half
0:04:11 > 0:04:13in a container pretending to go to Mars?
0:04:13 > 0:04:17An international crew of researchers has touched down in Moscow
0:04:17 > 0:04:20after almost a year and a half of going boldly nowhere.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23They were simulating a mission to Mars,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25spending 520 days
0:04:25 > 0:04:27locked in a windowless module.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Six men in a box
0:04:29 > 0:04:32for 520 days.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35I bet it fucking stunk in there!
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Imagine when they opened the door?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39"Urrgh!
0:04:39 > 0:04:41"It's melting my face!"
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Did you see the press conference?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Luckily, the BBC had a language expert on hand.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN
0:04:50 > 0:04:52'Yep, that sounds like Russian to me!'
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Good enough.
0:04:58 > 0:05:03Imagine being locked away for 520 days.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05No contact with the outside world.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06Still, at least they were in there
0:05:06 > 0:05:09having the time of their life!
0:05:09 > 0:05:11The most exciting moment for the men
0:05:11 > 0:05:14during their 17-month-long mission
0:05:14 > 0:05:16was stepping out here onto this pile of sand.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21I want to kill myself!
0:05:22 > 0:05:24At least it was worth it.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26They're now ready to actually go to Mars.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29So, when are they going? This week? Next week?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31How far away are we
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- from a viable manned trip?- To Mars?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- Yes.- Decades.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38You mean... That was a waste of...
0:05:38 > 0:05:40I've been in the...
0:05:40 > 0:05:43You bastards!
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I've been drinking my own piss!
0:05:47 > 0:05:49They must be so glad to be out.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Think of all of the momentous stories they've missed.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Osama Bin Laden is dead.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Colonel Gaddafi has been killed.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59I AM on a drug - it's called Charlie Sheen!
0:06:04 > 0:06:06And most importantly,
0:06:06 > 0:06:08the poor souls have never seen this.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Shocking, innit? Imagine never seeing that.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Over in Europe, the big news was all about money.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Greece's political crisis continues.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21Stock markets tumble.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Investors are panicking.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25The stakes could not be higher.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Prime Minister Papandreou agrees to step down.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Buried under eurozone debt,
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Italy's Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi says he will resign.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Austerity may bring the eurozone to its knees.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39The leaders of the G20 met to solve the financial crisis.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41They were all totally focused.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Well, not all of them.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51He fell asleep!
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Italy has debts of 1.6 trillion
0:06:54 > 0:06:57and he went beddy-byes!
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Berlusconi's had a shocker of a week.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02The Italian media have been bugging his phone.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Listen to what he said.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06The newly-leaked wire taps mark a new low
0:07:06 > 0:07:09for the philandering billionaire prime minister,
0:07:09 > 0:07:12who is heard boasting to a TV showgirl he is only
0:07:12 > 0:07:14"Prime Minister in my spare time."
0:07:14 > 0:07:18And complains that meetings with the Pope and world leaders
0:07:18 > 0:07:20are interfering with his sex life.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25How is he in charge of a country?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27"I have to meet the Pope?!
0:07:27 > 0:07:30"But I was going to go dogging!"
0:07:30 > 0:07:32He didn't stop there.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35"Last night I had a queue outside the door of the bedroom,"
0:07:35 > 0:07:36says Berlusconi.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40"There were 11. I only did eight because I could not do it any more."
0:07:40 > 0:07:43"Hey hey hey!
0:07:43 > 0:07:44"I did eight!
0:07:44 > 0:07:47"They call me Mr Octopussy!"
0:07:47 > 0:07:52Bizarrely, he's not worried about the economy or sex scandals.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55This is honestly his major concern.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04He's bringing out an album of love songs.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05His country is crumbling
0:08:05 > 0:08:09and he's there going, "They call me Mr Boombastic, super-fantastic..."
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Mind you, for all me criticising him,
0:08:12 > 0:08:14I can't wait for that album to come out.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17ZITHER MUSIC
0:08:17 > 0:08:18It's here!
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Now That's What I Call Bunga Bunga 69!
0:08:22 > 0:08:26Berlusconi's big thumbs-up to his favourite vungabeats.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Featuring classic love songs like
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Let's Go To Brown Town,
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Please, Baby, Don't Tell My Wife
0:08:34 > 0:08:36and the haunting ballad
0:08:36 > 0:08:40What Do You Mean, She's 15? Get My Passport And Meet Me In Mexico!
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Bunga Bunga 69!
0:08:43 > 0:08:45It's Viagra for your ears!
0:08:48 > 0:08:52You've really got to buy that. Everyone is buying that.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Now, my favourite sports story of the week was this.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01You have to see this.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Wayne Rooney is a brilliant footballer,
0:09:03 > 0:09:06but he is a terrible, terrible actor.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Guys, we have a problem.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17The boss said that a new devil is arriving.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Is he well known?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Famous throughout the world.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24What did they say about him?
0:09:25 > 0:09:27They say
0:09:27 > 0:09:28he is a legend.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31"They say...he is a legend."
0:09:31 > 0:09:33They say
0:09:33 > 0:09:34he is a legend.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37He's like a Scouse Forrest Gump.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42"Life is like a box of chocolates,
0:09:42 > 0:09:43"chocolatey."
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Reckon there's actors from Hollyoaks watching that,
0:09:48 > 0:09:50going, "He's good!"
0:09:50 > 0:09:53I love the fact they try to sell wine by using Rooney.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54He's hardly a connoisseur.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57"This is white, this is red,
0:10:00 > 0:10:02"that's rose."
0:10:03 > 0:10:06As you can imagine, he's taking a pasting for his acting.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08The Sun came up with a film he could remake.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Chavatar!
0:10:11 > 0:10:14If I were Wayne, I wouldn't do adverts.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17If he wants to perform, he should focus on goal celebrations
0:10:17 > 0:10:19like the players of this Icelandic team.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21These are genius.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24MUSIC: Match Of The Day theme
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Now, here's a beautiful love story about a duck.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Meet Crackers.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Crackers the female Muscovy Duck
0:11:09 > 0:11:11and her mate Jack were inseparable
0:11:11 > 0:11:13but, about four months ago,
0:11:13 > 0:11:14tragedy struck.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Jack suddenly died of natural causes
0:11:17 > 0:11:20and Crackers was left all alone and depressed.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Ain't it sad?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- SQUEAKY VOICE:- "I loved him so much!
0:11:25 > 0:11:26"He was my soul mate."
0:11:31 > 0:11:32"He had me at
0:11:32 > 0:11:34"QUACK!"
0:11:38 > 0:11:42That's the stupidest joke I've ever told in my life.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45You probably think, ducks die all the time, why is this in the news?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Well, Crackers was so upset,
0:11:47 > 0:11:48look what she did.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57Her owners put a lonely-hearts ad in the paper for the duck.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59I'd love to have seen that.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02"Sexy female seeks mate with good sense of humour.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04"Must like bread."
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Maybe it was more specific.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08"Hot mallard seeks DILF!"
0:12:14 > 0:12:15Wouldn't it have been great
0:12:15 > 0:12:18if there was a bloke who didn't realise it was written by a duck?
0:12:18 > 0:12:22"Vegetarian, likes swimming and flying? She sounds perfect!"
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Turns up to the restaurant.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25"Why's that duck holding a red rose?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28"Oh, for fuck's sake!"
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Do you want to meet the duck that won her heart?
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Course you do. He's called Carlos.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35He's a bit of a player.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39Ron Overberger says they got more than 20 phone calls.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40One fit the bill.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44A strapping young lad who just needed the right bird.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46The Lord's blessed us with Carlos.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50MUSIC: "You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate
0:12:50 > 0:12:52# I believe in miracles
0:12:54 > 0:12:56# Where you from?
0:12:56 > 0:12:57# You sexy thing... #
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Sexy little bastard.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04So, how are Carlos and Crackers getting on, now they've found love?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06He's a very loyal husband to her.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Loyal husband? Is he?
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Look what they caught Carlos doing later that day.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Just as we were leaving the farm
0:13:13 > 0:13:15we went around the corner and saw this,
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Carlos in the wings of another woman!
0:13:19 > 0:13:21# Ass, titties
0:13:21 > 0:13:22# Ass and titties
0:13:22 > 0:13:24# Ass ass, titties titties
0:13:24 > 0:13:25# Ass and titties. #
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Son of a bitch!
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Mind you, it's little wonder Carlos is shagging around.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33You know what they say about him.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35They say
0:13:35 > 0:13:36he is a legend.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Could there be a weirder story involving animals? Yes, there can.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43The animal rights charity PETA is in the news this week
0:13:43 > 0:13:45because of their latest PR stunt.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48America's most notorious animal rights group, PETA,
0:13:48 > 0:13:51may have found the best new way to reach a wider audience.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54What are they going to do? Rallies? Leaflet campaigns?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56They're starting their own porn site.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01An animal rights porn site?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03What films are they going to show?
0:14:03 > 0:14:04Two Girls, One Pup?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10"Now, eat this shit, Derek!"
0:14:14 > 0:14:16So, what can we expect to see on this site?
0:14:16 > 0:14:20Well, the site will have its fair share of pornography,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23and will expose viewers to graphic images of animal slaughterhouses.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Woo-hoo!
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Perfect combo!
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Imagine watching that. "Oh, yeah! Oh, that's the stuff."
0:14:31 > 0:14:33"God,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36"that's the most disgusting thing I've seen.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39"Put it back on the dead penguin."
0:14:41 > 0:14:43"Oh, Happy Feet!"
0:14:45 > 0:14:47The whole idea is ridiculous.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49A porn site with moral messages?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51How's that going to work?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Our girls are filthy.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Like the living conditions of this donkey.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59We'll make you so horny.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Unlike rhinos, who have their horns taken by poachers.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Give generously.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Just five wanks a month...
0:15:07 > 0:15:09To give this little fella a hug.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11PETA Porn.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13It'll make your eyes pop out.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Now, if you think you've had a bad shopping experience,
0:15:21 > 0:15:22you've got nothing on this guy.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25A trip to the grocery store ended badly for a Chandler man.
0:15:25 > 0:15:30- Definitely makes me cringe. - Very painful. Very, very painful.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Painful? Why? Did he run his foot over with the trolley?
0:15:32 > 0:15:37What happened in this parking lot is hard for guys to even imagine.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Chandler police say a man accidentally shot his penis.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42GROANING
0:15:42 > 0:15:46He went shopping and shot his own wang!
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Tell you what, you don't get that at Tesco.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Now he's lost half his dick, he will say, "Every little helps."
0:15:54 > 0:15:57It's insane, isn't it? Who takes a gun shopping?
0:15:57 > 0:16:00I told my mum about this story. Her response was amazing.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03I was like, "Mum, did you hear? A man in the supermarket car park
0:16:03 > 0:16:05"shot himself in the penis."
0:16:05 > 0:16:08What was her reply? She went... And this is a direct quote,
0:16:08 > 0:16:11"Well, some people will do anything to get a disabled parking space."
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Mum! He didn't do it on purpose, did he?
0:16:18 > 0:16:21So, what happened to this poor bloke?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23The man had to be taken to the hospital for surgery.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Do you know what surgery he had?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Apparently, he shot a hole clean through his penis,
0:16:27 > 0:16:29so they had to sew it back up.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Loads of tiny holes in his cock.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Imagine the conversation with the doctor.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36"Will I be able to use it again?"
0:16:36 > 0:16:38"Can you play the recorder?"
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Poor sod!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Mind you, I feel worse for the people stood next to him at the bog.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Next up, this has to be the strangest horse show ever.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55The contestants, proud parents
0:16:55 > 0:16:58and judges were ready. One thing missing?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01The only horses in the arena were in this bucket
0:17:01 > 0:17:03because of an outbreak of a contagious and fatal
0:17:03 > 0:17:04horse herpes virus.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Who gave a horse herpes?
0:17:14 > 0:17:18APPLAUSE
0:17:20 > 0:17:24Cos of a cold sore. Not from...
0:17:24 > 0:17:26You people!
0:17:26 > 0:17:30Despite the fact they had no horses, the show went ahead.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Look what they used instead.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34We're testing the girl's knowledge and ability to adapt
0:17:34 > 0:17:36and they get to ride stick horses tonight.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42It is so brilliantly shit.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45It's like redneck Quidditch.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50There is, of course, a huge problem with stick horses -
0:17:50 > 0:17:52what if one of the girls falls at a fence?
0:17:52 > 0:17:57Come on, girl. Giddy up, now. Yee-ha!
0:17:59 > 0:18:01My ankle, my ankle!
0:18:01 > 0:18:02Actually, I'm fine.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09It's the most humane way.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14On an unrelated note, I'll be selling glue at the end of the show.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17In Florida, health officials have come up with a strange way
0:18:17 > 0:18:20to educate pensioners about sex.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23The Florida Health Department wants folks to turn the tables,
0:18:23 > 0:18:26asking children to have that awkward conversation
0:18:26 > 0:18:28with their ageing parents.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Many older folks are now staying sexually active
0:18:31 > 0:18:33well into their golden years,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36with little experience practising safe sex.
0:18:36 > 0:18:41Doctors in Florida want young people to teach pensioners about safe sex.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44I can't think of anything worse.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47"So, that, Nan, is why it's called teabagging.
0:18:49 > 0:18:50"No, you hang up!"
0:18:52 > 0:18:54It would be horrible. It'd take ages.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57"Do you know what a 69 is?" "Yeah, it's a bus.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59"We catch it every morning."
0:18:59 > 0:19:03"No, no, it's eating for two." "Oh, Meals On Wheels."
0:19:03 > 0:19:06"No, it's like when a man's... and the lady's..."
0:19:06 > 0:19:10"Oh, we call that minge time cock smoking.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14"No, you hang up!"
0:19:17 > 0:19:19We'll never have to worry about this.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Old people in Florida might be having sex
0:19:21 > 0:19:24but English pensioners don't bother with smut like that.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26As this interview proves.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28When we were engaged,
0:19:28 > 0:19:33we did try up my anus.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37I said, "In no way possible."
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Dave's got rather a large cock
0:19:40 > 0:19:45and I've got a very small bum. It was very, very painful.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
0:19:52 > 0:19:56The weird thing is, they were only asked what the war was like!
0:20:00 > 0:20:03This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06There's a mystery guest that's been in the news. I have to guess who it is.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08So, please welcome my mystery guest!
0:20:19 > 0:20:24- Hello.- Hello.- Hello, I'm Russell, nice to meet you. What is your name? - Connie Adam.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28I have to guess. So, there's a sword here. Are you a fencer?
0:20:28 > 0:20:29- Yes.- Good!
0:20:33 > 0:20:34That went really well!
0:20:34 > 0:20:37I've never got them before. I just nailed that!
0:20:37 > 0:20:39I said you would when you saw all the gear.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Well, that's the clue. There's literally nothing else.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45So, why have you been in the news?
0:20:45 > 0:20:48I've been in the news because I was the oldest lady fencer
0:20:48 > 0:20:50to win two medals in one year.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53I've won the European medal
0:20:53 > 0:20:55and I won a World Champion medal
0:20:55 > 0:20:59and I've also won Commonwealth Champion several times.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Well, that's worth a round of applause.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07How long have you been fencing for?
0:21:07 > 0:21:11I've been fencing now just over 24 years, I should think.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13How often do you fence?
0:21:13 > 0:21:17I fence once a week down at the University of East Anglia.
0:21:17 > 0:21:23- Why is that? - I kind of like fencing teenagers, especially university students.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24Why's that?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Because they think there's an old dear who's not going to move
0:21:27 > 0:21:29and you stand there and hit them!
0:21:29 > 0:21:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:34 > 0:21:38So, if you could fight anyone in the world, who would you fight?
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- D'Artagnan.- Nice.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42I think you'd win.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45I'd like to be the first lady Musketeer.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- That'd be great, wouldn't it? - But I'd never be able to do that.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50No, he's dead, isn't he?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53It wouldn't matter if he was alive. I'm afraid of horses.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Oh, are you?
0:21:56 > 0:22:00Maybe we could have the Three Musketeers
0:22:00 > 0:22:02and one on a Shopmobility scooter.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06- I could bring a walking frame. - That'd be quite nice, wouldn't it?
0:22:06 > 0:22:08It'd be good cos they'd think, "Oh, here comes an old lady,
0:22:08 > 0:22:12"a mature woman, Zimmer frame - we've got no trouble there..."
0:22:14 > 0:22:17You'd be at an advantage cos you could pick it up
0:22:17 > 0:22:19and have a blade on either side!
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Exactly. We've got to fight.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Are we going to have a fight?
0:22:28 > 0:22:29Yes, but before we do that
0:22:29 > 0:22:32I would like you to see a clip of me in action,
0:22:32 > 0:22:34so you know what to expect.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:56 > 0:23:00- So, how does this work, then? - Right, arm out straight.
0:23:00 > 0:23:07This is to protect your body. Now, take a step forward and hit me.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09I don't want to. It feels wrong.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11You've never had a pair like this in your life.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:21 > 0:23:24# I got 99 problems but your tits ain't one
0:23:24 > 0:23:26# Hit me! #
0:23:26 > 0:23:27That's it!
0:23:29 > 0:23:34Just take a step forward.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37- Oh, no!- Arms straight out. - OK, fine.- Step forward.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39BUZZER SOUNDS
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Oh, that was gentle.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Yeah, it feels like we're playing Operation.
0:23:45 > 0:23:46BUZZER SOUNDS
0:23:46 > 0:23:47And again.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54I don't like doing it, it feels... It feels weird.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57I know, because you're pussyfooting around it!
0:23:57 > 0:24:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:02 > 0:24:08- Right, now, we'll put the masks on. - Put the masks on? Right, put this on.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Before you commence, you must salute your opponent and the audience.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17They will shout, "Fence!"
0:24:17 > 0:24:20When there's a light go on, they shout, "Halt!"
0:24:20 > 0:24:22OK. Salute.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24And to the people.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26AUDIENCE: Fence!
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- OK.- Yeah. Oh, God! No!
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- Oh, God. - Didn't you hear the "fence"?
0:24:33 > 0:24:37- No, I didn't, there was...- Right.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38AUDIENCE: Fence!
0:24:38 > 0:24:40There you go. What are you doing?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45I'm trying, you're too powerful!
0:24:48 > 0:24:50I thought you'd always wanted to beat up an old lady.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- Now's your chance. - No, I didn't! Why would I want to?
0:24:53 > 0:24:56I think you're lovely. I want to run you a bath.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58I don't want to beat you up.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02I want to put you in a big Radox tub and treat you right.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03That's all I want to do.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05I want to do that, too!
0:25:05 > 0:25:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- Why have we always got to fight? - I can't get down there, I've got false knees!
0:25:16 > 0:25:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Let's fight, you lovable cyborg!
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Right, what are you waiting for?
0:25:34 > 0:25:37BUZZER SOUNDS
0:25:41 > 0:25:42Had enough?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46- Bow to your superior.- I do.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen,
0:25:57 > 0:25:59please give it up for my mystery guest.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06So, did you have fun on Bonfire Night?
0:26:06 > 0:26:07AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I tell you who didn't, the people watching this.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12If you were out enjoying the fireworks last night,
0:26:12 > 0:26:14spare a thought for the people of Oban.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17A technical hitch saw the community fireworks
0:26:17 > 0:26:19all released at the same time.
0:26:21 > 0:26:26The event usually lasts half an hour. It was over in around a minute.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31Loads of noise and over in a minute? Who does that remind me of?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34# Baby, baby, baby, oh... #
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Idiot Of The Week has to be this guy.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42We've turned it into a cartoon, but the phone call is genuine.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12So, was it a UFO?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Let's find out, because he called back two minutes later.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34Lastly, take a look at this amazing story about one woman's dying wish
0:27:34 > 0:27:36to set up a holiday home for sick kids.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40Wow! Look at that.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43It's a chance to dream in what is a desperate life.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Three-year-old Phoebe lives with an immune disorder
0:27:47 > 0:27:51from which she's already had two bone marrow transplants.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55Here at least, though, is precious time in a holiday home by the sea.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Phoebe's one of hundreds of children who come here.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01They all have life-threatening or terminal illnesses.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03But here at Donna's Dream House,
0:28:03 > 0:28:06at least there's a guarantee of some happiness.
0:28:06 > 0:28:07It's thanks to an amazing legacy.
0:28:07 > 0:28:12Donna was my daughter that died of cancer when she was 20 years old.
0:28:12 > 0:28:16I opened up her little red box and she had left me three wishes.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20One of them was to open up a holiday home here in Blackpool.
0:28:20 > 0:28:24So, this is how Donna's dream house come about.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26The treats come thick and fast.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Fantasy transport for special children given the freedom
0:28:29 > 0:28:33- of all that Blackpool can offer. - Children with cancer can't just go anywhere.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35They need to go to a specialised place.
0:28:35 > 0:28:39This is provided by these volunteers and a fantastic family.
0:28:39 > 0:28:45Everyone doing their part to help fulfil one woman's dying dream.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47In't that lovely?
0:28:50 > 0:28:55Ladies and gentlemen, it's Saturday night which means it's time for my stand-up guest.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58Now, this guy's very funny and many moons ago I used to live with him.
0:28:58 > 0:29:03He used to steal money from my room. But don't hold that against him, he's really funny.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06Please welcome to the stage the brilliant Mr John Robins!
0:29:06 > 0:29:08APPLAUSE
0:29:11 > 0:29:13Hooray!
0:29:14 > 0:29:15Hooray?
0:29:15 > 0:29:16AUDIENCE: Hooray!
0:29:16 > 0:29:19Hey, dudes, how you doing? Are you well?
0:29:19 > 0:29:20AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:29:20 > 0:29:26I'm 29, I'm in my mid-20s, definitely in my mid-20s.
0:29:26 > 0:29:31But my face hasn't really caught up, I'm not a particularly manly man.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34There are a few guys here with cool stubble.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37That's what I'd like, because that's the ultimate manly face,
0:29:37 > 0:29:43it's kind of saying "Well, I could grow a beard, but I can't be bothered, yeah?
0:29:43 > 0:29:45"Cos I'm too busy doing it with hot babes."
0:29:45 > 0:29:49But I've got this awkward thing whereby if I shave I look 12,
0:29:49 > 0:29:53and if I don't, I look like a French exchange student.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57Very awkward to straddle those two things.
0:29:57 > 0:30:02A bit of a sad year, actually, my girlfriend did leave me earlier this year.
0:30:02 > 0:30:03AUDIENCE: Awww.
0:30:03 > 0:30:07It's very kind of you to say, "aww," but do bear in mind, I haven't told you what I did to her yet.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09It's fine, it's fine.
0:30:09 > 0:30:13So I said to my friend, "Hey, man, I totes need to meet a new GF ASAP."
0:30:13 > 0:30:21I did. I did. And he said, "Talk properly."
0:30:21 > 0:30:25No, he didn't. He said, "What you need to do is go to the night club, John,
0:30:25 > 0:30:27"cos that's where women live."
0:30:27 > 0:30:30It's true, it's true. I've now been there, that's where women live.
0:30:30 > 0:30:34I know quite a lot about women, they live there.
0:30:34 > 0:30:38And I don't know if you've noticed, but it's a bit like in a wildlife documentary,
0:30:38 > 0:30:41often, to kind of protect themselves,
0:30:41 > 0:30:47the women will sort of dance in very tightly knit circular packs, right.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49And the reason is, it's very clever,
0:30:49 > 0:30:54the reason is that there is no dance on Earth that is available to men
0:30:54 > 0:31:00to kind of give them access to that group of women without getting spat back out again.
0:31:00 > 0:31:04So, what you have to do, like in the wildlife documentaries, right,
0:31:04 > 0:31:06they're like a group of gazelles,
0:31:06 > 0:31:11and you have to use a counter tactic, like the lion of the plains.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14And slowly,
0:31:14 > 0:31:17surely,
0:31:17 > 0:31:18strategically
0:31:18 > 0:31:23dance away the weakest member of the group.
0:31:24 > 0:31:28You kind of separate her from the rest of the herd.
0:31:28 > 0:31:33And then you dance her into a corner where you can kind of prey upon her, right.
0:31:33 > 0:31:37But I mean, I'm not picky, a lot of men have criteria for ladies.
0:31:37 > 0:31:41They'll say things like, "I like a woman with big breasts."
0:31:41 > 0:31:43Or, "I like a woman with long legs."
0:31:43 > 0:31:48For me, as long as the legs are both long, or both short, not a problem.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51It's the mishmash of long and short legs -
0:31:51 > 0:31:54nah, that's not going to happen, right.
0:31:54 > 0:31:57So what you have to do when you've got your lady,
0:31:57 > 0:32:00is you have to use dances to impress them, right.
0:32:00 > 0:32:05Now, I've got three dances, ladies and Gs...
0:32:05 > 0:32:07LAUGHTER
0:32:07 > 0:32:10..but before I show them to you, right,
0:32:10 > 0:32:13what's very important is that I must point out
0:32:13 > 0:32:18that our public liability insurance here does not cover blown minds.
0:32:18 > 0:32:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:21 > 0:32:23Thank you, thank you.
0:32:24 > 0:32:27So, strap in.
0:32:27 > 0:32:31Dance number one is called The Thrust.
0:32:33 > 0:32:38And it goes a-something like this...
0:32:46 > 0:32:49Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Hang on, John,
0:32:49 > 0:32:54"surely that works first time, every time."
0:32:54 > 0:33:00No, sometimes it doesn't, sometimes I have to go up to dance number two, dudes, which is called The March
0:33:00 > 0:33:05and that goes a-something like this...
0:33:13 > 0:33:17Now, I know what you're thinking now, you're thinking, "Hang on, hang on.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20"That first dance changed our lives,
0:33:20 > 0:33:27"the second dance, it's a bit boring, really, and we thought they would get progressively more mind-blowing."
0:33:27 > 0:33:32And to those critics, I say, "Boring, is it?"
0:33:35 > 0:33:36Wow!
0:33:39 > 0:33:41Woo-hoo!
0:33:41 > 0:33:45That's right, side to side and backwards.
0:33:45 > 0:33:50Now, if those two haven't worked, it's very rare,
0:33:50 > 0:33:54it's very rare that those two won't work in conjunction, but if I get up to the third,
0:33:54 > 0:33:59obviously, obvos, obvs, a circle will have formed around me.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01Right, yeah, yeah,
0:34:01 > 0:34:05everyone in the night club'll kind of be there going like this...
0:34:05 > 0:34:09Some of them will be filming it on their iPhones to put up on YouTube.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12And what I'll do in that situation, is I'll take that tension,
0:34:12 > 0:34:16I'll just slowly, slowly start to crouch.
0:34:16 > 0:34:21People are like, "What the heck has this guy got left in his locker? We thought his locker was bare!"
0:34:21 > 0:34:26There's two guys in the lighting gantry, one says to the other, "Where's the dancing rulebook?"
0:34:26 > 0:34:28"It's being rewritten."
0:34:29 > 0:34:33And then, I'll unleash it. It's a star jump.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35Thank you.
0:34:35 > 0:34:37APPLAUSE
0:34:37 > 0:34:38You're very kind.
0:34:41 > 0:34:45Now, another reason I feel like I'm getting a bit older,
0:34:45 > 0:34:49is because I'm starting to get really stressed out by noisy neighbours.
0:34:49 > 0:34:53We've got real troubles with noisy neighbours and I'll tell you what happened.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56It's the first time I've ever done something properly brave, right.
0:34:56 > 0:34:59I was in my flat, Sunday night, just got back from a gig,
0:34:59 > 0:35:02it was about 11 o'clock and the noise was...
0:35:02 > 0:35:07You know when you can tell it's coming through a wall or the floor, but this was out in the wild.
0:35:07 > 0:35:11It was coming from everywhere. I was thinking, "What the Dickens is going on here?"
0:35:11 > 0:35:13I did, I nearly lost it.
0:35:13 > 0:35:16I thought, "What?" It's terrible, right.
0:35:16 > 0:35:18So I opened up my kitchen window.
0:35:18 > 0:35:22And our window looks out onto our garden which then backs onto our neighbour's garden,
0:35:22 > 0:35:27there's their house, right. And I can see, in their garden, the remnants of a barbecue, right.
0:35:27 > 0:35:31Now, usually people would have, at a barbeque, things like burgers and sausages.
0:35:31 > 0:35:35But unfortunately, these cheeky tinkers seemed to have been eating
0:35:35 > 0:35:38chicken drum and bass sticks...
0:35:42 > 0:35:45..and, wait for it, R and Beans on toast.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52So I thought, "I'm not blooming having it!" I did, I nearly lost it.
0:35:52 > 0:35:54I thought, "I'm not blooming having it."
0:35:54 > 0:35:58But I thought, "It's only eleven, it's only elevs."
0:35:59 > 0:36:01So I thought, what I'll do is,
0:36:01 > 0:36:04I'll go into the other room where it's not so bad,
0:36:04 > 0:36:09I'll have a bottle of rose, a couple of whiskeys and see what happens, right.
0:36:09 > 0:36:14While I'm watching the film in the other room with my rose and my whiskeys,
0:36:14 > 0:36:19I check the Bristol City Council website guide for how to deal with noisy neighbours, right.
0:36:19 > 0:36:24I can now confirm your suspicions that it does not say,
0:36:24 > 0:36:30"Have a bottle of rose and a couple of whiskeys and 'see what happens.'"
0:36:30 > 0:36:33It says, "Go round in person if you feel safe enough.
0:36:33 > 0:36:37"Be calm, be confident, apologise, even, for interrupting their night.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40So I go back into the kitchen, I open up the window and I'm thinking,
0:36:40 > 0:36:45yeah, I'm just going to turn up and be like, "Hey, dudes, we all like a party, don't we?
0:36:45 > 0:36:47"But could you turn it down a little bit?"
0:36:49 > 0:36:56And as I'm lifting up the window, the music goes up another level, right.
0:36:56 > 0:36:58Now at this point, I flip.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01And I don't flip very often, I'm more of a flopper.
0:37:03 > 0:37:08For some reason, I grab the empty bottle of rose,
0:37:08 > 0:37:12and chuck it out of the window, and it smashes in their garden, right.
0:37:12 > 0:37:16Now part of me thinks, "Hooray!" Another part of me thinks, "Hide!"
0:37:16 > 0:37:21So I duck down like this and it strikes me what a bizarre thing
0:37:21 > 0:37:26to do to deal with broken Britain, by chucking a bottle at it, right.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28Albeit a bottle of rose.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31It's kind of the best middle-class crime in the world.
0:37:31 > 0:37:36What next? Artichokes down the chimney? Hummus through the letter box?
0:37:36 > 0:37:38I thought, this is silly, I've got to sort this.
0:37:38 > 0:37:42So what I do is I go out of my house, go round onto their street.
0:37:42 > 0:37:48Now, when I'm on their street, I realise that it's not that house.
0:37:48 > 0:37:53I've just thrown a bottle of rose into an innocent party's garden, right.
0:37:53 > 0:37:57It's the house opposite them.
0:37:57 > 0:37:59Now, that's two streets away.
0:37:59 > 0:38:01The sight that meets my eyes, you wouldn't believe.
0:38:01 > 0:38:08There are young lads and lasses on the streets drinking tins of beer, they were!
0:38:08 > 0:38:11And smoking jazz cigarettes like there's no tomorrow,
0:38:11 > 0:38:14and they've got a bay window, right, on the first floor.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16We haven't got bloody bay windows.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18And they've got the windows open,
0:38:18 > 0:38:23big PA speakers pointing out of the windows onto the streets, right.
0:38:23 > 0:38:27And it just makes me so angry. Angry enough to do something silly.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30And I think, "Right, I'm going to clean up the streets."
0:38:30 > 0:38:33So I see the door open into the house so I think,
0:38:33 > 0:38:34"Oh, you've come this far."
0:38:34 > 0:38:39So I go into the house. I've not been invited, not on Facebook or anything, right.
0:38:39 > 0:38:44I go up the stairs and no-one minds that I'm there cos they're all bonging it.
0:38:44 > 0:38:50And I go into the main room where it's all kicking off and they've got two PA speakers,
0:38:50 > 0:38:53about 60 people, all kind of... Well, they weren't doing this,
0:38:53 > 0:38:59but you know, doing whatever it is you do to drum and bass music. And they've got the decks in the middle.
0:38:59 > 0:39:04Now, I think there's clearly no way that I can find out who's in charge here and tell them to turn it down.
0:39:04 > 0:39:10And at this moment, I see the plug connecting the four-way adapter
0:39:10 > 0:39:13to the speakers and the decks.
0:39:13 > 0:39:16And I think, "Six more yards."
0:39:16 > 0:39:21And I walk through these people, I grab the plug, pull it out of the wall,
0:39:21 > 0:39:23and immediately, the music stops
0:39:23 > 0:39:31and then all the adrenalin drains out of my body and I realise I'm stood in a room full of people
0:39:31 > 0:39:36all looking at me with eyes that are essentially saying, "WT Fuck."
0:39:40 > 0:39:43A guy fronts up to me, right, and he says,
0:39:43 > 0:39:48"What the heck do you think you're doing, sunshine?" Or words to that effect.
0:39:48 > 0:39:53Now, when I get angry, I don't get "grr" angry, I get shrill like a lady.
0:39:53 > 0:39:56So he says, "What the heck do you think you're doing, sunshine?" I say,
0:39:56 > 0:39:59HIGH PITCHED VOICE: "I don't live next door.
0:39:59 > 0:40:02"I live two streets away!"
0:40:02 > 0:40:05It would also seem I turn into Michael McIntyre when I get angry.
0:40:05 > 0:40:09And he then says to me, "Chill out, mate.
0:40:09 > 0:40:13"We finished our finals today, it's just a party."
0:40:13 > 0:40:17Now at this point I say something I'd not planned on saying, right.
0:40:17 > 0:40:22I look him dead in the eyes and I say, "Oh, this is not a party.
0:40:22 > 0:40:24"This is a prick factory..."
0:40:24 > 0:40:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:35 > 0:40:38"..and you, sir, are the CEO."
0:40:40 > 0:40:46I don't know if you've ever accused anyone of being the chief executive officer of a prick factory, right.
0:40:46 > 0:40:48They don't take very kindly to it.
0:40:48 > 0:40:50He heard the key word and went, "Don't you call me a prick!"
0:40:50 > 0:40:53I actually had to back down from an angry mob saying,
0:40:53 > 0:40:56"Woah, woah, woah, there's been some confusion.
0:40:56 > 0:41:01"I didn't call you a prick, I called you the CEO of a prick factory."
0:41:01 > 0:41:06Eventually it calmed down when the girl who owned the house came to turn the music down,
0:41:06 > 0:41:10but then I found out her name was India, which made me hate her even more.
0:41:10 > 0:41:12AUDIENCE GROANS
0:41:12 > 0:41:16No, not in a racist way, just cos it's a silly name.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21I'll leave you with one thing. Me and Russ, when we lived together,
0:41:21 > 0:41:25we lived in Bristol, and it's an amazing place, as I'm sure you'll know if you've ever been there.
0:41:25 > 0:41:31What I miss most about it when I'm away is the sort of things Bristolians say.
0:41:31 > 0:41:35And I was away for a month at the Edinburgh Festival. And coming back in on the plane,
0:41:35 > 0:41:40what I wanted more than anything else was to hear someone say something properly mental.
0:41:40 > 0:41:44I had to wait 12 yards from the arrivals desk.
0:41:44 > 0:41:47I come out, there's two young lads there, about 14 years old, max.
0:41:47 > 0:41:50And they're obviously going on some kind of sporting trip,
0:41:50 > 0:41:54cos they're stood there with their kit bags and their uniform with little initials on.
0:41:54 > 0:41:59And they're excited in a good way. Not in a stabby crack way. No.
0:41:59 > 0:42:05You know when you see a scout, looking at a hill, just kind of vibrating with anticipation.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07And you think, "That's what's right with the world."
0:42:07 > 0:42:11And then you see the scout leader and you think,
0:42:11 > 0:42:15"Hmm, that's what's wrong with the world."
0:42:15 > 0:42:19And one of them turned to his mate and he went, "Here, Darren.
0:42:19 > 0:42:22"I 'ope you're not lactose intolerant."
0:42:22 > 0:42:25I thought, "That's very strange,
0:42:25 > 0:42:28"what's he going to follow this up with?"
0:42:28 > 0:42:31He said, "I 'ope you're not lactose intolerant,
0:42:31 > 0:42:34"cos Corfu is going to be legen-dairy."
0:42:34 > 0:42:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:42:39 > 0:42:43Ladies and gentlemen, you've been absolutely smashing. I've been John Robins, bye-bye!"
0:42:43 > 0:42:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:46 > 0:42:49Mr John Robins!
0:42:53 > 0:42:57Hope you enjoyed tonight's episode of Good News, good night.
0:43:15 > 0:43:18Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:43:18 > 0:43:21E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk