0:00:15 > 0:00:22Russell Howard's Good News contains strong language
0:00:22 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:28Thank you very much, thank you, thank you, thank you.
0:00:28 > 0:00:33Hello and welcome to Good News. I hope you've had a good week.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Tell you what, Jim White was impressed when he met Jordan.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Wow! Seriously, they're that size.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Over on BBC North West,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Dianne Oxberry explained why she doesn't trust old people.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48One pooed on me when I was a kid and I've never forgiven them.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Between you and me, I'm not sure that Bryan Appleyard
0:00:52 > 0:00:54is as smart as Jeremy Paxman thinks he is.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Bryan Appleyard, you're a clever guy. Wouldn't you rather be cleverer?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00I don't know what that means.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06Over on ITV, they interviewed a man with a hand growing out of his back.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08I don't know, I'm not a water specialist
0:01:08 > 0:01:09but I wouldn't go in myself.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13And finally, if you're interviewing the Dalai Lama,
0:01:13 > 0:01:15don't try to tell him a joke.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20HE SPEAKS IN HIS OWN LANGUAGE
0:01:20 > 0:01:22- Pizza?- Pizza shop, yes. - Yeah, pizza shop.
0:01:22 > 0:01:28And says, "Can you make me one with everything?"
0:01:29 > 0:01:30OK.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33HE SPEAKS IN HIS OWN LANGUAGE
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Oh, yes.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Do you know what I mean?
0:01:38 > 0:01:41"Can you make me one... with everything?"
0:01:44 > 0:01:48Oh. Theoretically possible.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Oh, I knew that wouldn't work.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58In political news, Silvio Berlusconi has resigned.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02After nearly a decade in power, served over three separate terms,
0:02:02 > 0:02:05time has finally run out for Silvio Berlusconi.
0:02:05 > 0:02:10That's right, Silvio Berlusconi has resigned to spend more time with his loved ones.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12By which he means his cock and balls.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15He's most famous for his bunga bunga parties.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18In case you don't know what they mean, according to Silvio...
0:02:22 > 0:02:23That's not what I heard.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33If that's how he dances, I'd hate to see him on Strictly.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35"Nice to see you, to... Argh!"
0:02:37 > 0:02:40"Somebody get him some armbands!"
0:02:40 > 0:02:43It's amazing it took this long for him to go.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45He said some outrageous things down the years.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49TRANSLATION: If I occasionally happen to look a beautiful girl in the face,
0:02:49 > 0:02:52it's better to like beautiful girls than to be gay.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56"I mean, yeah, I've had parties with prostitutes
0:02:56 > 0:02:58"but at least I'm not a bumlord."
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Towards the end of his reign, his attempts to stay in power just got crazy.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Did you see what he tried to rename his party?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16It's like the Lib Dems turning round and going,
0:03:16 > 0:03:17"We are the Minge Hunters."
0:03:20 > 0:03:23On top of that, look who he compared himself to.
0:03:23 > 0:03:28In 2006, he was quoted as calling himself "the Jesus of politics".
0:03:30 > 0:03:32What, cos he hung out with prostitutes?
0:03:32 > 0:03:35That would've changed the Bible. "What are you doing?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38"You're meant to feed the 5,000, not shag them."
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I'll tell you who isn't going to miss Berlusconi.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46German Chancellor, Angela Merkel. They didn't exactly get on.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi failed to greet his post
0:03:49 > 0:03:51because he was on the phone.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Berlusconi was still on his call
0:03:53 > 0:03:56with leaders across the Passerelle Bridge.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58But if you think ignoring her was bad,
0:03:58 > 0:04:01look what the silver-tongued charmer called her later.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10It's pretty rich considering he looks like Mr Toad.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15This was the big showbiz news of the week.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18After weeks of bad performances, bad feedback
0:04:18 > 0:04:20and, let's be honest, bad hair,
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Frankie Cocozza's run on The X Factor has finally come to an end.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Did you see the moment the news broke?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29The X Factor contestant Frankie Cocozza has left the ITV show.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:32 > 0:04:34So why has he been booted off?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40The only white powder he needs is delouser.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43It wasn't just drugs. Did you hear his other boast?
0:04:46 > 0:04:50How? He looks like an alcoholic weasel.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52His jeans are so tight,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55when he gets his cock out, it must be like roadkill.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01To be honest, I don't care if he took drugs.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05If I was in charge of The X Factor, I'd have them all on drugs.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07At least it'd make the show interesting.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Imagine Louis Walsh watching this on acid.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13# You fall in love, zing boom
0:05:13 > 0:05:17# The sky up above, zing boom. #
0:05:17 > 0:05:23"I don't like the rabbit, Gary!" "Don't worry, Louis."
0:05:23 > 0:05:26"Now the whole world has slowed down."
0:05:26 > 0:05:32"No, Louis, this is just how I talk.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35The most frightening development of this story,
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Frankie is planning to bring out an album.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Yeah! This guy has already seen a copy of the video.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45SCREAMING
0:05:48 > 0:05:51In sport, it's sad news for Geordies.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52Now, what's in a name?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Well, if you're a Newcastle United fan, quite a lot.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58After almost 120 years,
0:05:58 > 0:06:02St James' Park will now be called the Sports Direct Arena.
0:06:02 > 0:06:03The fans were livid.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Who's going to refer to it as anything other than St James' Park?
0:06:07 > 0:06:08What passion.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10LAUGHTER
0:06:10 > 0:06:12The ground is called St James'
0:06:12 > 0:06:15and nothing will make him change his mind.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18What if it brings in some money for new players?
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Aye, that'll be alreet, like, aye.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22"Fuck it, man.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26"If we buy Wayne Rooney, you can have a jump on my mum."
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Most of the supporters were furious but here's a tip.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32If you want to get to point across, don't dress as a barcode.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34We're filling his pockets to come to the matches
0:06:34 > 0:06:36and he's doing this though.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38"No-one's taking us seriously."
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Yeah, cos you look like a badger's nutsack.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45From football to the Olympics and bad news for flashers.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49If you streak at the 2012 Olympics, there could be costly repercussions.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Damn right, did you see this?
0:06:56 > 0:07:00Don't stop streaking. Streaking's wonderful.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Whose life isn't brightened up by seeing this?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Some brilliant crime stories this week.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18First up, a story from Huddersfield about an idiot.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31How thick can you get? "Mum, look, I've got an iPad."
0:07:33 > 0:07:37"Dave, that's a potato." "Right, I'm phoning the police."
0:07:39 > 0:07:45"They're not answering, Mum." "Dave, you're holding a carrot."
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Unbelievably, in case anyone else was fooled,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51look at the handy diagram The Yorkshire Post printed.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58I bet there's going to be people, "Oh, right!
0:07:58 > 0:08:03"I thought this shepherd's pie tasted a bit iPad-y."
0:08:03 > 0:08:05So who was selling these i-Potatoes?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13I think we all know who that was.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Mind you, if you think mistaking an iPad for a potato is thick,
0:08:19 > 0:08:22check out this criminal trying to evade the police.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25When he ran from police, the suspect climbed onto a roof.
0:08:25 > 0:08:30Instead of giving up, he started jumping from roof to roof, trying to get away from police.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Surely they'll never catch that unstoppable ninja?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- Seconds later... CRASH - There he goes.- ..He came down.
0:08:43 > 0:08:48"Tripped over a car."
0:08:48 > 0:08:50My favourite crime story of the week
0:08:50 > 0:08:52has to be this belter from Rotherham.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55An old lady has been the victim of a strange burglary.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59The moral of this story is do not mess with 79-year-old Barbara Gamston
0:08:59 > 0:09:01and keep your hands off her meerkats.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Back where they belong in the arms of Barbara.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07This trio of meerkats mean a lot to her.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Someone has stolen an old lady's plastic meerkats.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Look at the blow-the-budget Hollywood-style way
0:09:15 > 0:09:17they showed this terrible crime.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18And unbeknownst to Barbara,
0:09:18 > 0:09:21spirited away to a house a couple of miles away.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24But a tip off from a friend led her to them.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27They Sellotaped it to a camera.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29If you think the way they showed it was good,
0:09:29 > 0:09:31check out what Barbara said
0:09:31 > 0:09:35when she found out someone had nicked her beloved meerkats.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37When my daughter Samantha came, she said,
0:09:37 > 0:09:39"Mother, the meerkats have gone."
0:09:39 > 0:09:43So I politely said, "Blow me."
0:09:52 > 0:09:54"Well, we can do that, Mum
0:09:54 > 0:09:57"but we should probably just get the meerkats back."
0:09:57 > 0:10:02It's such an amazing reaction to a crisis. "The meerkats have gone." "Blow me."
0:10:02 > 0:10:04So, where were the meerkats?
0:10:04 > 0:10:08It turns out they were spotted in a garden three miles away.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Check out what this wonderful woman did to get them back.
0:10:16 > 0:10:22An SAS raid?! "Margaret, cover me. Linda, fetch the zip wire!
0:10:22 > 0:10:26"If I die, tell Titchmarsh I loved him."
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Despite her plan, there was a tragic incident.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Sadly, not all of them made it. The trio was once a quartet.
0:10:33 > 0:10:38One meerkat was chewed to pieces by an unfriendly dog during the escapade.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42"Nooooo!
0:10:42 > 0:10:48"They've got Roger! I loved you so much, Roger."
0:10:48 > 0:10:53"I loved you too, but I fear death has come for me."
0:10:53 > 0:10:57"You can't die, Roger, you can't die!
0:10:57 > 0:11:03"Don't tell the others, but I think you were my favourite."
0:11:03 > 0:11:06"Barbara, have you learned nothing?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09"You must never compare the meerkats."
0:11:09 > 0:11:12LAUGHTER
0:11:12 > 0:11:15APPLAUSE
0:11:23 > 0:11:27"Have we taught you nothing, Barbara?"
0:11:27 > 0:11:32"Is there anything I can do for you, Roger, before you die?
0:11:32 > 0:11:35"Blow me."
0:11:35 > 0:11:38To be honest, we shouldn't feel sorry for Roger.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41I found some extra footage from the news
0:11:41 > 0:11:44and before the dog got him, he had quite the adventure.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Not tonight, pal.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Argh!
0:11:54 > 0:11:57MUSIC POUNDS
0:12:12 > 0:12:15# Ass, titties, ass and titties
0:12:15 > 0:12:18# Ass, ass, titties, titties
0:12:18 > 0:12:19# Ass and titties. #
0:12:19 > 0:12:21APPLAUSE
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Over in Canada, love is in the air.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30The relationship that's formed between a pair of penguins
0:12:30 > 0:12:33at a zoo in Canada is drawing attention from around the world.
0:12:33 > 0:12:38Buddy and Pedro make mating calls to each other, groom each other and hang out together.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Some are referring to the two male penguins as a gay couple.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Toronto Zoo has a couple of gay penguins.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Look at the way it was covered by Taiwanese news.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Like many animals, Buddy and Pedro are gay.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51# Hello
0:12:53 > 0:12:57# Is it me you're looking for?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00# I can see it in your eyes
0:13:00 > 0:13:05# I can see it in your smile. #
0:13:05 > 0:13:07That... That was on the news!
0:13:07 > 0:13:11They're really going for it aren't they?
0:13:12 > 0:13:16- Maybe that explains the way penguins walk. - LAUGHTER
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Ohhhhh!
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Ohhhh.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26Luckily they're surrounded by ice. Tssss!
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Unfortunately, there's been some heartbreaking news for Buddy and Pedro.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36It's so sad, innit?
0:13:36 > 0:13:40Apparently, a Hollywood film is already planned.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC
0:13:46 > 0:13:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Finally in this section, let's pop over to Russia.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58It's hard to believe this road in Moscow, Russia,
0:13:58 > 0:14:01was the scene of complete chaos on Sunday.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Chaos? Bloody roadworks, I suppose.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06A drunken, naked motorist sped through the city,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09crashing into 17 cars.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12That is how you lose your licence!
0:14:12 > 0:14:13"I was doing 34 in a 30."
0:14:13 > 0:14:18- "I drive car with dick!" - LAUGHTER
0:14:19 > 0:14:23"I make new game, Grand Theft Sex Pest."
0:14:23 > 0:14:24"Hurgh!"
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- Luckily... - LAUGHTER
0:14:30 > 0:14:32I don't know what that was, right?
0:14:32 > 0:14:37Luckily, nobody was hurt. So, what happened to this bloke when the police caught him?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Did they put him in jail?
0:14:39 > 0:14:42No, they laid him on the floor like a shaved bear.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45LAUGHTER
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Look at him! He's like Mr Blobby's pissed brother.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55In fairness, you do get a little crazy after an accident.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Check out this bloke from Arizona.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01This has to be the most animated description of a prang ever.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04All of a sudden, I was just minding my own business. Bam!
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Hit me hard, right in the back. I was glued in my seat.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11I could see the car in front of me and I was about to hit him,
0:15:11 > 0:15:12so I veered off this way.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16Boom, boom, fire, smoke, everything. It made a big, loud noise like boom!
0:15:16 > 0:15:20The wires came down, boom! Then arc, fire was coming out.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Sparking, blowing up.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26It was like a big rainbow, boom, it was like boom, boom!
0:15:26 > 0:15:30APPLAUSE
0:15:33 > 0:15:36This has to be the strangest fight ever.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40Brandon Parham is the manager of The Wireless Center on Pearl Road.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Last week, he witnessed their mascot, a gorilla, getting jumped.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48A mobile phone company gorilla mascot was attacked. Pretty funny.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Funnier when you find out who jumped him.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56A man dressed as a gorilla was attacked
0:15:56 > 0:15:58by a man dressed as a banana.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Listen to how the shop manager describes the tussle.
0:16:00 > 0:16:06The kid in mid-air, flying like a Spartan from 300, kind of.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Except he was a banana.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10LAUGHTER
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Brilliant. This poor bloke just can't get his head around it.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15The gorilla will recover.
0:16:15 > 0:16:20As for The Wireless Center, they think the whole situation is...
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Bizarre. I guess.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26Not...normal of the food chain.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28LAUGHTER
0:16:30 > 0:16:31Tell me about it, mate.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34It's a nightmare when your food fights back.
0:16:39 > 0:16:44Next up, I challenge you to find a weirder relationship story than this.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51A bloke in Zimbabwe slept with a prostitute
0:16:51 > 0:16:53and she turned out to be a donkey.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Should've gone to Specsavers!
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Imagine the police reporting the crime!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05"Sarge, we've got a criminal here. What's he doing?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10"Have you ever played Buckaroo?"
0:17:10 > 0:17:12LAUGHTER
0:17:12 > 0:17:15"Yeah, well, he's not doing that, he's fucking it."
0:17:15 > 0:17:17LAUGHTER
0:17:17 > 0:17:19"No, you hang up."
0:17:19 > 0:17:21The best bit about this story.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Look at the excuse the bloke gave when he was caught.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30I think you're also a bullshitter!
0:17:30 > 0:17:34That's the worst excuse ever. Somebody caught stealing biscuits...
0:17:34 > 0:17:36"Why are you stealing the biscuits?"
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- "Cos I'm a biscuit?" - LAUGHTER
0:17:39 > 0:17:43It's shocking, innit? You should never play with an animal for pleasure.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Well, unless it's this...
0:17:53 > 0:17:56This is the part of the show I don't know anything about -
0:17:56 > 0:17:58a mystery guest who's been in the news.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00I have to figure out who that person is.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Please welcome my mystery guest.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:11 > 0:18:13- Hello.- Hello, Russell. - Nice to meet you.- And you, sir.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- What's your name? - My name's Rocky Taylor.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20- Rocky Taylor!- Yeah.- Does Rocky have anything to do with why you're here?
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Looks like it's got something to do with memorabilia.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- Yes, sir.- Do you have the world record
0:18:25 > 0:18:29for the most film memorabilia in the world?
0:18:29 > 0:18:33I have just won the Guinness Book Of Records, but not for this.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- Are those Sugar Puffs?- Yeah. Oh, that's a little clue for you.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- I was the original Honey Monster. - You were the original Honey Monster?!
0:18:39 > 0:18:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Tell them about the honey, Mummy!
0:18:46 > 0:18:48I thought that was Pat Butcher(!)
0:18:48 > 0:18:53- LAUGHTER There's been a lot more since, but I was the original.- What was the line?
0:18:53 > 0:18:57- People probably didn't hear that. - Tell them about the honey, Mummy.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01- Have you ever used that line in your personal life?- No, sir!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- Is that why you've been in the news? - Sort of why,
0:19:07 > 0:19:11but that's not the reason for being in the news.
0:19:11 > 0:19:17- You've been an extra?- Not an extra. - Have you been in all these films? - I have been in all these films.
0:19:17 > 0:19:22- You're going to have to give me a clue.- I'm going to show you something later, a fight scene.
0:19:22 > 0:19:27- You're going to be involved with me in a fight scene.- You're a stuntman? - Yes.- You've been...
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Are you the world's... You're the most stunts ever.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33LAUGHTER No.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36You've not... Just fucking tell me, man!
0:19:36 > 0:19:40I'm the most experienced stuntman around at the moment.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43This is my 50th year as a stunt performer and stunt coordinator.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47- That's worth a round of applause. - APPLAUSE
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Can I have a look at you in action?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55What we're going to do, if you don't mind,
0:19:55 > 0:19:58is we're going to make you have a little fight scene with me.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02A fight scene? Well, it's about time we did that(!)
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- There's a clip we'll show you. - Sweet, let's have a look.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08THEME MUSIC FROM JAMES BOND
0:20:27 > 0:20:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:30 > 0:20:34We're going to show you a bit of fighting that goes on in the film business.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36They call it our bread and butter money.
0:20:36 > 0:20:41- That sounds fun. Where shall we start?- Start here. I'll throw a punch to you
0:20:41 > 0:20:45and your head has to go that way as the fist comes by.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- OK.- Bang. Now, you watch this, ladies and gentlemen.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Now, watch that quick.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- That looks like I've hit you, right?- Yeah.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56So, the first one is that. You're going to do that to me as well.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00That one, then we're going to come into there, that one.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02- You have to then fold up. - I have to go ohhh!
0:21:02 > 0:21:04And your feet come off the ground.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- That's it, as if you've been hurt. - OK.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- So, we'll do that in two?- Yes.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12One, slowly, bang. And then bang.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13LAUGHTER
0:21:13 > 0:21:16You do it to me. Just come into here.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Ooof!
0:21:18 > 0:21:23Right? Do it again. Put it in, but just pull it when you hit me.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27That's it, that's good. Argh!
0:21:27 > 0:21:28That's good. Do it again.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32Argh, yes! Good.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36This one, you're going to go bang into there. No, this one first.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38- Like that.- And then across.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- All right.- Right, do that. Oof, ooh, that's good!
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- There you go.- Right, good?
0:21:43 > 0:21:44I enjoyed that, yeah.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- Grab that bottle. See that bottle?- Yeah!
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Grab that, not too tight, else it'll break.
0:21:50 > 0:21:55- Then you hit me here... - Oh, right, so I start it? - ..with that part of the bottle.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57- Yeah.- All right? So, put that back.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59- Fine. - So, this is how we're going to start.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01- I'm going to come into you.- Yeah.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Bang. Then I pick up the bottle,
0:22:03 > 0:22:09- you turn away as if you're going to walk out the door.- Swagger. - And I crash you.
0:22:09 > 0:22:15- Yeah, fine. - Then, after you've had that, you run and pick that up.- Yeah.- See?
0:22:15 > 0:22:17You hit me, on the back, with that.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19So, it's like there...
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- Like that, crack.- Yeah, yeah. - All right?- Yeah, great.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26I go down to here.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29It's like the biggest fight ever!
0:22:29 > 0:22:31I'm going to come up, grab you, and I go, "Yes!"
0:22:31 > 0:22:35And you're going to go backwards, like that, crash.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38- OK.- And land on your bum.- Right.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42- LAUGHTER - Let's do it, sod it.- Sure?- Yeah.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:48 > 0:22:49Get warmed up... Oh!
0:22:49 > 0:22:51THUD!
0:22:51 > 0:22:53LAUGHTER
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- Have you hurt yourself?- Yeah.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Ah, man! Argh!
0:23:08 > 0:23:12I think I've broken my finger, man, that really hurt!
0:23:12 > 0:23:15I was going to try and do a press-up on it.
0:23:15 > 0:23:20- Fucking hell, that really hurts! - You want to go and see the medic? - I'll be all right, fine.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22It's going to have to be right-handed.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24LAUGHTER
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Ai-ai-ai, I think I've broken my finger.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- Yeah. Sorry.- Sorry about that!
0:23:30 > 0:23:33I'll be back in a minute, I've just fucked myself up.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:46 > 0:23:50So... Hey, you, I've told you, stop looking at my old woman. I mean it.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54- I'm going to throw you through that window.- She's looking at me, though.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56LAUGHTER
0:23:56 > 0:24:00- I'm telling you, don't do it! - Tell her, tell her!
0:24:01 > 0:24:05- Don't tell me, you son of a bitch! - Argh!
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Oof!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Ooh!
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Crazy son of a bitch!
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Ow!
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Argh!
0:24:30 > 0:24:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Victory!
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Ladies and gentlemen, my mystery guest, the wonderful Rocky!
0:24:46 > 0:24:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Have a look at this story about a group of eco warriors
0:24:55 > 0:24:57who make you proud to be British.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00The spotlight is still on the small village
0:25:00 > 0:25:04near Scarborough where the costly battle for one tree goes on.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07There's a group of protesters who are tying to save a tree.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09I think the tree's going to survive,
0:25:09 > 0:25:12because you rarely see commitment this inspiring.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Are you prepared to break the law?
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Well, we'll see, we'll see.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20So you're not saying no?
0:25:21 > 0:25:22And I'm not saying yes.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26Defiance!
0:25:26 > 0:25:29He's not the only brave soldier willing to risk his life.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32What are you going to do if someone says,
0:25:32 > 0:25:35"You've got to get out, we're here with the chainsaw."?
0:25:35 > 0:25:40Well, I'll obviously get out. I'm not going to get squashed or flattened.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42I'm not stupid.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44He's such a hero!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46With passionate warriors like him,
0:25:46 > 0:25:49there's no way that tree is going to be chopped down!
0:25:49 > 0:25:50In fact, one day,
0:25:50 > 0:25:54I'm going to take my grandchildren to see that very tree.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56And, just over an hour ago,
0:25:56 > 0:26:00the beech tree hit the ground with an almighty thud.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Fuck it, Disneyland it is.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06So, what's going to happen to this fallen tree?
0:26:06 > 0:26:10Some of the protesters here today have asked for part of the trunk to be saved for them.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14They want to turn it into a sculpture or perhaps a memorial plaque.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15I've seen the sculpture.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18LAUGHTER
0:26:18 > 0:26:21This is the most surprising statistic I've learnt this week.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Who took the cheese?
0:26:23 > 0:26:27That's the question a lot of retail stores are asking.
0:26:27 > 0:26:32A new study found that cheese is the most stolen food in the world.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Police are looking for suspects.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36I bet these two are shitting themselves.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39LAUGHTER
0:26:39 > 0:26:43Do you reckon there's criminal gangs? "Did you get the diamonds?"
0:26:43 > 0:26:45"No, I got a Dairylea Dunker."
0:26:45 > 0:26:48I'll tell you what, if gangs are stealing cheese,
0:26:48 > 0:26:51there's going to be some confusion.
0:26:51 > 0:26:58You idiot! I told you to get me a Mini Babybel!
0:26:59 > 0:27:01CLANG!
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Tonight's story is about a project called Playing For Change
0:27:09 > 0:27:13that uses music to connect and help people all around the world.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17Ten years ago, Grammy-Award-winning music producer Mark Johnson
0:27:17 > 0:27:21had an idea that began with one powerful voice.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23# Stand by me
0:27:23 > 0:27:26# No matter who you are. #
0:27:26 > 0:27:28He had so much soul in his voice.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32I said to him, "With a voice like yours, why are you singing on the street?"
0:27:32 > 0:27:38And he said, "Cos, man, I'm in the joy business. I come out here to bring joy to the people."
0:27:38 > 0:27:42And that was a great start for a project to try to connect the world.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46A voice like Roger, a song like Stand By Me and a man in the joy business.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49On a shoestring budget, Mark travelled the world,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52recording little-known musicians.
0:27:52 > 0:27:58Some he found in places where music was a refuge from hardship and war.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02He called his project Playing For Change.
0:28:02 > 0:28:08The project is also building and funding music schools in places
0:28:08 > 0:28:11where Mark found his street musicians.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14My theory of music is if you provide people with the opportunity
0:28:14 > 0:28:18to listen, they can use music as a tool to make their lives better,
0:28:18 > 0:28:21to connect to other people, and to enjoy their lives.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23What a dude.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30It's Saturday night, time for my stand-up guest.
0:28:30 > 0:28:34This bloke's brilliant, one of my favourite comics, a good mate of mine.
0:28:34 > 0:28:38Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the brilliant Mr Alun Cochrane.
0:28:40 > 0:28:44APPLAUSE Thank you. Thank you.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46Thank you. Thank you.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Hello. LAUGHTER
0:28:49 > 0:28:52That's a good, confident hello there, isn't it?
0:28:52 > 0:28:56I like hello better than goodbye cos it's easier to get hello right,
0:28:56 > 0:28:59there's not that much choice, is there? It's just, "Hello!"
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Or "Hi!"
0:29:01 > 0:29:06Whereas goodbye is harder cos there's bye, ta-ra, see you in a bit,
0:29:06 > 0:29:08cheerio.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11The other day, I was trying for cheerio,
0:29:11 > 0:29:15got confused with ta-ra, and went, "Cheeria!"
0:29:18 > 0:29:22And more recently than that, I said to somebody, "See you soon,"
0:29:22 > 0:29:25panicked and added, "if not before it."
0:29:27 > 0:29:31And then thought, hang on, there is no before soon.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34Soon is the next thing.
0:29:34 > 0:29:38Like, "I really hope they don't scrutinise what I've just said."
0:29:38 > 0:29:40Unless I'd walked away,
0:29:40 > 0:29:42then thought that and come back and said,
0:29:42 > 0:29:46"Please don't scrut..." And then said, "God, this is before I expected you!"
0:29:46 > 0:29:49This is before soon.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52It's hard to be confident with hello and goodbye.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55Hard to be confident in life generally, isn't it?
0:29:55 > 0:29:59Most of the time I'm quite confident, but every now and again,
0:29:59 > 0:30:03your confidence vanishes when you weren't expecting it.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05See if you think this is weird.
0:30:05 > 0:30:09Years ago, I lost my confidence in Birmingham.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11LAUGHTER
0:30:11 > 0:30:13Birmingham was not the problem.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16It doesn't sound that bad when I just say it,
0:30:16 > 0:30:19but genuinely, my confidence totally wobbled.
0:30:19 > 0:30:23I checked into a hotel room and it didn't have a bed in it.
0:30:24 > 0:30:28It doesn't sound that bad, but it was genuinely disturbing cos I remember to this day,
0:30:28 > 0:30:31when I first opened the room door,
0:30:31 > 0:30:36being pleasantly surprised at how roomy the room was.
0:30:36 > 0:30:40I went to throw my bag on the bed and thought, hang on a second,
0:30:40 > 0:30:43there's something missing here. Normally there's a big, cosy plinth
0:30:43 > 0:30:47for me to drop this on. And I had to go downstairs to reception
0:30:47 > 0:30:51and complain that my hotel room did not have a bed in it.
0:30:51 > 0:30:54I was not prepared for this moment in life.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57I got the same receptionist that checked me in and I said,
0:30:57 > 0:31:00"My hotel room hasn't got a bed in it."
0:31:00 > 0:31:04And she looked up and said, "Are you sure?"
0:31:04 > 0:31:09"Are you sure?" To an adult that's just said his room hasn't got a bed in it.
0:31:09 > 0:31:12And I said, "I think so."
0:31:14 > 0:31:16"Maybe there was a bed I didn't see."
0:31:16 > 0:31:20Which sounds now like I was being sarcastic, but I wasn't.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22But when she said, "Are you sure?"
0:31:22 > 0:31:27My confidence completely evaporated, and I thought, I'm not sure I'm sure.
0:31:27 > 0:31:31I don't think I've checked properly. I bet I didn't check behind the door.
0:31:31 > 0:31:37There's a king-size waterbed behind the door. This is obviously my fault.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39All my life, I've just been lucky
0:31:39 > 0:31:44and checked into hotels with highly visible furniture.
0:31:44 > 0:31:48Sometimes you check in expecting one bed and you get two.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51I was thinking maybe I'd had too many twos.
0:31:51 > 0:31:54Perhaps it's my turn for zero beds.
0:31:54 > 0:31:57I never realised it was a short-straw system.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00But I can have no beds if it's my turn.
0:32:00 > 0:32:03Some of you probably want closure on this. "Where was the bed?"
0:32:03 > 0:32:05Don't know.
0:32:05 > 0:32:09LAUGHTER There's loads of moments in life I'd like to be more confident in.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12I'd love to be better at remembering people's names.
0:32:12 > 0:32:17Wouldn't it be better if everybody in the world looked like I do now?
0:32:17 > 0:32:21With their name written behind them. Wouldn't that be nice?
0:32:21 > 0:32:24It'd make life a lot easier cos I'm bad at remembering names.
0:32:24 > 0:32:27I find it hard to concentrate. That moment when somebody says,
0:32:27 > 0:32:31"Hello, my name's Janet" is the exact moment when my mind
0:32:31 > 0:32:35just wanders off and thinks about everything except Janet's name.
0:32:35 > 0:32:40Sometimes I'll be thinking, "Bloody hell, you've got symmetrical ears!"
0:32:40 > 0:32:42And sometimes it'll just be random shit.
0:32:42 > 0:32:46I caught myself once, when someone was introducing themselves,
0:32:46 > 0:32:50wondering what my favourite gas ring was in the kitchen.
0:32:51 > 0:32:55Cos it used to be back left. I used to love back left.
0:32:55 > 0:32:58But when we moved to a house with a wok burner in the middle,
0:32:58 > 0:33:02and now we've moved to another house that's got four rings,
0:33:02 > 0:33:05and for some reason I've gone off back left and love back right now.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09I mean, how you're supposed to take Janet in
0:33:09 > 0:33:12under circumstances like that, I've no idea.
0:33:12 > 0:33:16I'm genuinely better at remembering people's faces than names,
0:33:16 > 0:33:18but you don't get points for that, do you?
0:33:18 > 0:33:23If you remember somebody's name and you've only met them once, you go, "Oh, Michael!"
0:33:23 > 0:33:26Michael goes, "Oh, he remembered, I didn't expect him to!"
0:33:26 > 0:33:29But if you walk up to someone you've met once and go,
0:33:29 > 0:33:32"Your nose is still where it used to be.
0:33:32 > 0:33:36"Your ears are pretty wide," that's more creepy than positive, innit?
0:33:36 > 0:33:39But faces really stick in my mind.
0:33:39 > 0:33:42I walked past a woman in the street in Edinburgh years ago
0:33:42 > 0:33:48and she had what I would describe as a squishy face.
0:33:48 > 0:33:51When I say that, I mean her facial expressions were
0:33:51 > 0:33:55sort of squished up together, like that.
0:33:55 > 0:33:57LAUGHTER
0:34:00 > 0:34:02You know what I mean by a squishy face?
0:34:02 > 0:34:05And I know that was her facial expression
0:34:05 > 0:34:08because the moment I passed her in the street,
0:34:08 > 0:34:13I found myself immediately attempting to recreate her facial expression.
0:34:13 > 0:34:15Have you ever done that?
0:34:15 > 0:34:19They've got such a vivid countenance and you think, I'm having a go at that.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22I'm not even sure she was fully out of my eyeline.
0:34:22 > 0:34:26I think she was still about there and I was already going, "Ughhh!"
0:34:26 > 0:34:28I don't think I made the noise.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30Cos that would have given the game away, wouldn't it?
0:34:30 > 0:34:35Cos that is the noise of trying to do a squishy face, innit? "Ughhh!""
0:34:35 > 0:34:38She'd have heard it and been on me, "Hey, I heard that!
0:34:38 > 0:34:41"Are you trying to do my face?" "No, I always look like this.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44"I was just humming a tune. Ughhh!
0:34:44 > 0:34:46"I do like my face."
0:34:46 > 0:34:53Faces are weird. My face is fucking massive. It's a big face.
0:34:53 > 0:34:58There's people watching this on HD on big tellies shitting themselves.
0:34:58 > 0:35:04Big face. Big, but a weirdly small nose for the size of the head.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07Ridiculous, innit? Look at that.
0:35:07 > 0:35:09LAUGHTER
0:35:10 > 0:35:14Bordering on insignificant, my nose.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16And I know that cos people tell me.
0:35:16 > 0:35:18People come up sometimes and say,
0:35:18 > 0:35:21"Oh, you've got a little button nose, haven't you?
0:35:21 > 0:35:23Which I think is a bit cheeky if you don't know me,
0:35:23 > 0:35:27to compare my small nose to a button.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30You wouldn't do the reverse to somebody with a big nose.
0:35:30 > 0:35:34"Oh, that's an industrial sewing machine for a conk you've got there."
0:35:34 > 0:35:37Interesting thing about the human nose is
0:35:37 > 0:35:42some people do so much cocaine, they completely destroy their septum,
0:35:42 > 0:35:44this little bar in the middle.
0:35:44 > 0:35:47They just destroy it by doing cocaine.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49And then they carry on living.
0:35:51 > 0:35:56Turns out we didn't need it anyway. Why have we even got one?
0:35:56 > 0:35:59It's the appendix of the face as far as I'm concerned.
0:35:59 > 0:36:03I often think, if I was one of those people, I'd try
0:36:03 > 0:36:08and make the best of the situation by using the hole to keep stuff in.
0:36:09 > 0:36:12Just turn your face into a little handy pocket.
0:36:12 > 0:36:15A pound coin holder for parking meters.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20And I'm ready to park during peak hours.
0:36:22 > 0:36:24Or some snooker chalk.
0:36:25 > 0:36:29I don't play a lot of snooker, but I think I'd play more if I had...
0:36:30 > 0:36:33..some chalk in my nose,
0:36:33 > 0:36:35turned down, ready to play.
0:36:35 > 0:36:36You know...
0:36:36 > 0:36:38SQUEAKING
0:36:40 > 0:36:43"Alun Cochrane, foul and a miss."
0:36:46 > 0:36:48Yeah. I know, I'm a daydreamer.
0:36:48 > 0:36:54That's my job in life, just to sit around thinking up stupid stuff.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57Seriously, I love sitting around and wondering stuff.
0:36:57 > 0:37:00Nothing useful, just stupid stuff.
0:37:00 > 0:37:05Like, um...when is it OK to eat bread with a fork?
0:37:07 > 0:37:09LAUGHTER
0:37:09 > 0:37:13When IS it OK to eat bread with a fork? That's a good question.
0:37:13 > 0:37:16The answer seems to be sometimes,
0:37:16 > 0:37:19but it's hard to nail it down further than that.
0:37:19 > 0:37:21You just can't say cooked versus uncooked
0:37:21 > 0:37:24cos some people eat uncooked bread with a fork.
0:37:24 > 0:37:29Some people in gastropubs eat big burgers with cutlery.
0:37:29 > 0:37:34I refuse to trust people who do not trust themselves with a fucking sandwich.
0:37:34 > 0:37:37Pick it up and eat it!
0:37:37 > 0:37:39What do you do with soup? Get a funnel and a bib?
0:37:39 > 0:37:41You're an adult!
0:37:41 > 0:37:43LAUGHTER
0:37:43 > 0:37:46But you can't say cooked versus uncooked
0:37:46 > 0:37:50cos some bread that's cooked you do eat with a fork,
0:37:50 > 0:37:52like beans on toast, egg on toast.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54But not...toast.
0:37:55 > 0:37:59You can check this theory next time a friend makes you a slice of toast.
0:37:59 > 0:38:03"Have you got any cutlery for this, John?"
0:38:03 > 0:38:07Or next time someone makes you beans on toast, just reject the cutlery.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10"It's only toast, innit?"
0:38:16 > 0:38:19I've got a friend who's a very keen environmentalist
0:38:19 > 0:38:25and the other day, while he was twatting on about it,
0:38:25 > 0:38:29I drifted off and caught myself for ages, just wondering
0:38:29 > 0:38:34what's the worst thing I could possibly put into my recycling bin.
0:38:35 > 0:38:36Coal.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40Or a puffin.
0:38:43 > 0:38:45I'm not a massive fan of the recycling.
0:38:45 > 0:38:49I'm almost embarrassed to admit it in front of young people,
0:38:49 > 0:38:53but genuinely, I think I preferred the days before recycling
0:38:53 > 0:38:58when the amount of alcohol I consumed in my own home remained a well-kept secret.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01Those were the days, weren't they? Not now.
0:39:01 > 0:39:06Now, there's just a plastic box cascading with empty bottles.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08Every neighbour walks past it.
0:39:08 > 0:39:11My next-door neighbour Margaret's looking at me all judgy,
0:39:11 > 0:39:14like she thinks I've got a problem. I'm like that,
0:39:14 > 0:39:17"We've had a party, Margaret."
0:39:17 > 0:39:21She's looking at me like, "You haven't had a party.
0:39:21 > 0:39:25"You don't like people enough to have a party in your own home."
0:39:25 > 0:39:30"All right, I've been cooking with wine...and Baileys.
0:39:32 > 0:39:34And real ale that was on offer.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37I've done a lot of coq au Speckled Hen this week.
0:39:38 > 0:39:42And some corned beef au vin.
0:39:44 > 0:39:48Here's a good question that I was wondering for ages the other day.
0:39:48 > 0:39:52What took so long with the invention of suitcase wheels?
0:39:52 > 0:39:55LAUGHTER
0:39:56 > 0:39:59It's a genuinely good question that some of the young people
0:39:59 > 0:40:02haven't a clue what I'm talking about.
0:40:02 > 0:40:03You know suitcases?
0:40:03 > 0:40:07We used to have to pick them up and fucking carry them.
0:40:08 > 0:40:12Even when they were heavy, we'd carry them about. Not now.
0:40:12 > 0:40:16Now, they've all got little wheels at the bottom.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19This is mind-blowing if you think about it.
0:40:19 > 0:40:21How long did the suitcase
0:40:21 > 0:40:23and the wheel exist entirely separately for
0:40:23 > 0:40:28before some genius inventor thought we could put them together
0:40:28 > 0:40:31and save on some back break and make a few pounds in the process?
0:40:31 > 0:40:35That is a change that occurred in my lifetime.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37Did we really conquer space travel
0:40:37 > 0:40:42before we put the suitcase and the wheel together? It seems an absurd
0:40:42 > 0:40:45set of priorities for the human species.
0:40:45 > 0:40:50Surely we should have had the wheelie suitcase before we had a fully-functioning spaceship.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53If nothing else, it could have helped them load up.
0:40:53 > 0:40:58Caught myself for ages the other day wondering, "Am I a mum?"
0:40:58 > 0:41:00LAUGHTER
0:41:00 > 0:41:03I'm not. I'm technically a dad, but here's what happened.
0:41:03 > 0:41:07My wife went out for some drinks with some other mums
0:41:07 > 0:41:11and I stayed in and had a really nice bath and a glass of wine.
0:41:11 > 0:41:15Yeah, I had a mum's night in. Brilliant night in it is, as well,
0:41:15 > 0:41:18Mums, I can see why it caught on amongst the mum community.
0:41:18 > 0:41:23It's much better than a dad's night out, talking to dicks about nothing.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25I really enjoyed it. Quite disconcerting as well.
0:41:25 > 0:41:30I got out of the bath and twisted the towel on the top of my head.
0:41:30 > 0:41:34Got up the next day and bought a Citroen Zsara Picasso, it was weird.
0:41:34 > 0:41:36I'm not a mum.
0:41:36 > 0:41:40A friend of mine told me she had a very modern mum's moment the other day.
0:41:40 > 0:41:43She told me she went online
0:41:43 > 0:41:48and bought herself a Rampant Rabbit sex toy, right?
0:41:48 > 0:41:50I think from a brand-new shop.
0:41:50 > 0:41:54I don't think she got it cheaper used or anything like that.
0:41:54 > 0:41:57Just give it a rinse, it'll be fine. There's an economic downturn.
0:41:57 > 0:41:59People are making cuts on luxury items.
0:41:59 > 0:42:04Anyway, she told me it arrived, she took it out of the packaging,
0:42:04 > 0:42:08lifted it up, realised immediately it needed batteries
0:42:08 > 0:42:11and was quite alarmed that her first thought was
0:42:11 > 0:42:15which of my children's toys...?
0:42:16 > 0:42:19Some of you are ahead of her on this, aren't you?
0:42:19 > 0:42:22Which of my children's toys am I going to remove
0:42:22 > 0:42:24the batteries from in order...
0:42:24 > 0:42:29I love this moment. I don't think it makes for a bad mum or a good mum.
0:42:29 > 0:42:31I just love the potential moment.
0:42:31 > 0:42:35"Mummy, why's the elephant not working?" "Cos the rabbit is."
0:42:35 > 0:42:36LAUGHTER
0:42:36 > 0:42:38It's been a pleasure talking to you.
0:42:38 > 0:42:42Thanks very much. I'll see you soon, if not before it.
0:42:45 > 0:42:48Well done, mate, that was great.
0:42:48 > 0:42:52- Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Alun Cochrane! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:54 > 0:43:00There you go. That's it, the Good News. We've had fun. Good night.
0:43:06 > 0:43:09Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:43:09 > 0:43:11E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.