0:00:15 > 0:00:21This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Thank you very much.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Hello and welcome to Good News.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Hope you've had a good week. So what's been happening? Is it me,
0:00:35 > 0:00:39or is the sexual tension on BBC Breakfast getting too much?
0:00:39 > 0:00:43- Are you packing heat? - I am carrying.- Are you?
0:00:43 > 0:00:45LAUGHTER
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Get a room!
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Mark Longhurst revealed what he shouts at the point of orgasm.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52In the back of the net!
0:00:52 > 0:00:54LAUGHTER
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Last week, I broke my hand. Some people were shocked.
0:00:57 > 0:00:58Not this lady.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01I just watched it and watched it and watched it.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04It was absolutely brilliant.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06LAUGHTER
0:01:06 > 0:01:08And finally, over on Sky News, it's happened again.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Love is in the air.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13We're just about to open up a new shop in the city in the city...
0:01:13 > 0:01:16MUSIC: "She" by Elvis Costello
0:01:16 > 0:01:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:24 > 0:01:28So, what's been going on? Young people are struggling to get jobs.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29NEWS BONG
0:01:29 > 0:01:32'Unemployment hits a 17-year high,
0:01:32 > 0:01:35'with more young people out of work, than ever.'
0:01:35 > 0:01:36And who did Sky News get
0:01:36 > 0:01:39to talk about solving the youth unemployment crisis?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41We do have a problem...
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Alan Sugar!
0:01:43 > 0:01:47I'm not sure he's the best person to get young people jobs.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48You're fired!
0:01:48 > 0:01:50You're fired!
0:01:50 > 0:01:51You're fired!
0:01:51 > 0:01:53You're fired, fired, fired, fired...
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Mind you, this next girl
0:01:55 > 0:01:57is definitely going to struggle in the workplace.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Check out this wonderful headline.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09And did her friends help get her out?
0:02:09 > 0:02:13No, they videoed her and pissed themselves laughing.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16PEOPLE LAUGHING
0:02:22 > 0:02:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:23 > 0:02:27"Get the fire brigade!" "Get my iPhone."
0:02:27 > 0:02:28LAUGHTER
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Imagine the moment the fire brigade arrived. "What have you done?"
0:02:31 > 0:02:34"I wanted to know what it felt like to be a towel!"
0:02:34 > 0:02:36LAUGHTER
0:02:38 > 0:02:41How did that girl even get into university?
0:02:41 > 0:02:44What does her UCAS form look like? A potato print?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47If she's struggling with a clothes horse,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49imagine her in an English exam.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53"What is Rudyard Kipling's finest work?"
0:02:53 > 0:02:55LAUGHTER
0:02:55 > 0:02:56"His cakes."
0:02:56 > 0:02:58LAUGHTER
0:02:58 > 0:03:00"They're exceedingly good."
0:03:01 > 0:03:04I've honestly watched that clip of her stuck about 100 times.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07I can't get enough! And I'm not the only one.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10I just watched it and watched it and watched it.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12It was absolutely brilliant.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Elsewhere this week,
0:03:14 > 0:03:18a survey was held to find Britain's most influential man. Who won?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Boris Johnson!
0:03:22 > 0:03:23CHEERING
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Do you reckon kids'll start copying his look?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28LAUGHTER
0:03:28 > 0:03:30It's ridiculous, isn't it?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33How can he be the most influential man in Britain?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36He's impossible to understand. It always sounds like he's on acid.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39I rubbed my eyes and my eyes were not deceiving me.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42I saw the sprouting, hubble bubble,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44gherkin, not gherkin, pretzel-type object.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Arrrr!
0:03:46 > 0:03:50It's like he's playing charades with an invisible man, all the time!
0:03:50 > 0:03:51"Gherkins... pretzel...
0:03:51 > 0:03:53"two words... film...
0:03:53 > 0:03:57"I don't know, you invisible bastard. Give me the title!"
0:03:57 > 0:04:00He's lovable though, isn't he? Boris is lovable.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Asked what was different about him and David Cameron,
0:04:03 > 0:04:04he gave this answer...
0:04:04 > 0:04:07What is the difference between you and David Cameron?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Well, I'm Mayor of London, and he's Prime Minister.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12LAUGHTER
0:04:12 > 0:04:15I'm older than him, I'm considerably heavier.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18What else? I beat him at tennis.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:22"I stuffed him at wiff-waff!"
0:04:22 > 0:04:26People are even saying Boris could be the next Prime Minister.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28It might happen sooner than we think.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Between you and me, I think Cameron's running out of policies.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Let's get those diabetics off the road!
0:04:34 > 0:04:35LAUGHTER
0:04:35 > 0:04:38"If I see one more asthmatic on a space hopper,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40"there will be hell to pay!"
0:04:40 > 0:04:42LAUGHTER
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Let's be honest, Ed Miliband's never going to win.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46He just looks too weird.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49This guy sums up what he looks like best.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52A frightened panda who's been caught with another panda's wife.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54LAUGHTER
0:04:54 > 0:04:56He's got a point!
0:04:56 > 0:04:59LAUGHTER
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Some mad crime stories knocking around.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Over in Pakistan, the government is trying to stop
0:05:10 > 0:05:13that most evil of crimes - swearing.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14'In Pakistan, it's the war
0:05:14 > 0:05:18'on violent extremists that usually makes headlines.'
0:05:18 > 0:05:22But now the government is waging a new fight.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24'A war on what the government has deemed
0:05:24 > 0:05:28'obscene and offensive language in text messages.'
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Imagine the jails. "I'm in for murder. You...?"
0:05:31 > 0:05:33"I called my brother a spunk monkey."
0:05:33 > 0:05:35LAUGHTER
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Some of the words banned are weird. Look at these...
0:05:50 > 0:05:52That's not even rude, that's a fruit!
0:05:52 > 0:05:55I bet he's there going, "Why am I being banned?
0:05:55 > 0:05:59"What about banana? He looks like a dick!
0:05:59 > 0:06:00LAUGHTER
0:06:00 > 0:06:02They even banned this word.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06That could lead to confusion.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08"Grandad's having a stroke!"
0:06:08 > 0:06:11"Well, tell him to pack it in, then."
0:06:11 > 0:06:12"I think he's going to die."
0:06:12 > 0:06:16"Well, he's clearly doing it too hard."
0:06:16 > 0:06:19From naughty words to a bizarre punishment in New Zealand...
0:06:26 > 0:06:28It's mad, isn't it? Here they are in action.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31'Shane and Carl weren't dancing for fun
0:06:31 > 0:06:33'when this YouTube clip was filmed last week.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36'They were dancing because they were scared.'
0:06:36 > 0:06:38They made them dance for an hour
0:06:38 > 0:06:41because they'd sprayed graffiti on their neighbour's wall.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43What a weird punishment!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45"You're not going to hit me, are you?"
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- "No, I want you to moonwalk." - LAUGHTER
0:06:48 > 0:06:51"Ah, that's the stuff! Shake it, baby!"
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Luckily the police were called. Did they help? Not really!
0:06:54 > 0:06:58'When two police officers arrived, the ordeal wasn't over.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00'One officer laughed so hard he had to leave the room
0:07:00 > 0:07:03'and called two colleagues to come and watch.'
0:07:03 > 0:07:04LAUGHTER
0:07:04 > 0:07:07"Dave, you've got to see this, mate.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10"It's better than that girl in the clothes horse!"
0:07:10 > 0:07:13It isn't the only dancing story of the week.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Look what kids in America are doing with their cars.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19'It's called ghost riding the whip.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21'A whip is slang for a car
0:07:21 > 0:07:23'and ghost riding refers to the fact
0:07:23 > 0:07:26'that whoever was driving, ends up disappearing.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29It's the shittest thing ever.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30"I'm ghost riding the whip!"
0:07:30 > 0:07:34No, you're not! You're giving a BMW a lapdance!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Look at these tits!
0:07:36 > 0:07:39'Ghostriders perform all sorts of automotive acrobatics,
0:07:39 > 0:07:41'otherwise known as going dumb.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44'Standing atop a driver's door...
0:07:44 > 0:07:47'hanging out the back door...'
0:07:47 > 0:07:50They're like claustrophobics on their way to a meeting.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52"I can't be in the car, Steve!
0:07:52 > 0:07:56"Let me get on the door. I don't like it, I don't like the inside!"
0:07:56 > 0:08:01Surprisingly, this crappy craze has taken America by storm.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03And it's not just kids who are into it.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07Well, Grandma, what's on our schedule today?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Well, there's one thing we could do...
0:08:10 > 0:08:12We could ghost ride the whip!
0:08:12 > 0:08:14TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS
0:08:14 > 0:08:16LAUGHTER
0:08:21 > 0:08:23They're pretty good, aren't they?
0:08:23 > 0:08:26But they've been doing it for years. This guy's a beginner.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Some odd, little stories in Britain this week.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41First, look what this man's done to stop speeding.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44'They don't mess about in Bow
0:08:44 > 0:08:46'or at least Tim Backhouse doesn't.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48'Fed up with traffic going too fast
0:08:48 > 0:08:52'he and a friend picked up their paintbrushes and went big
0:08:52 > 0:08:54'on the side of Tim's house.'
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Only in the West Country.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59"Why get a speed camera, when I got a paintbrush?"
0:08:59 > 0:09:01What I love about this story,
0:09:01 > 0:09:03it highlights just how brilliantly shit
0:09:03 > 0:09:05British local news is.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08They clearly got a woman to say, "Wow! Look at that!"
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- "Wow! Look at that!" - LAUGHTER
0:09:13 > 0:09:15And then from nowhere,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18an unintelligible man rocks up in his tractor.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20- Very stupid.- Why?
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Everybody's going to look at it and have more accidents...
0:09:24 > 0:09:29BABBLES IN WEST COUNTRY ACCENT
0:09:31 > 0:09:33"I've got to go, I'm ghost riding the tractor!"
0:09:33 > 0:09:35LAUGHTER
0:09:36 > 0:09:38It's good he didn't paint this on his house.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40LAUGHTER
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Because you KNOW somebody would have done this....
0:09:43 > 0:09:46LAUGHTER
0:09:46 > 0:09:48From road signs to the paranormal.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56Pretty interesting - more so when you read who's been plaguing her.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03I know we're all thinking...
0:10:03 > 0:10:07poor octopus! I bet she loved it.
0:10:07 > 0:10:12"Oh no! Eight hands all over me. Oh no!
0:10:12 > 0:10:15"Lower... Oh...
0:10:15 > 0:10:17"Will this never end?
0:10:17 > 0:10:18"Lower.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21"Oh, that's the stuff..."
0:10:21 > 0:10:25# If there's something strange in your neighbourhood
0:10:25 > 0:10:27# Who you gonna call? # Fucking no-one!
0:10:27 > 0:10:28LAUGHTER
0:10:28 > 0:10:32"Aaarh!"
0:10:32 > 0:10:34LAUGHTER
0:10:34 > 0:10:35I imagine!
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Now, mind you, it wasn't the only spooky story of the week.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42A ghost in Gloucester is haunting a pint of lager.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44'It was just another quiz night,
0:10:44 > 0:10:48'and another pint from the bar for the quizmaster.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51'But this pint took on a life of its own.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54'Watch it carefully as it starts to move.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00'When it fell the quiz goers were shocked,
0:11:00 > 0:11:02'the manager, spooked.'
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Ahhh!
0:11:04 > 0:11:07A pint of beer fell over!
0:11:07 > 0:11:10This has to be the overreaction of the week.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12When you see something like this on tape
0:11:12 > 0:11:14it really sort of scares you.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17It's a zombie pint!
0:11:17 > 0:11:19We're going to die!
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Mind you, this evil pint isn't the only thing causing the pub bother.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26'The haunted pint is just one of several ghostly happenings
0:11:26 > 0:11:27'in the last few weeks.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30'Recently manageress, Sam, woke up early one morning
0:11:30 > 0:11:32'to hear wailings from her daughter's bedroom.'
0:11:32 > 0:11:37LAUGHTER
0:11:40 > 0:11:43I'm not sure that was a ghost!
0:11:43 > 0:11:44LAUGHTER
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Next up, a truly terrible waxwork museum.
0:11:47 > 0:11:52A waxwork attraction in Kent is making visitors work hard to do that.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Shall we say, it's not entirely obvious who some are meant to be.
0:11:56 > 0:12:01Damn right! You will never see worse celebrity waxworks than this!
0:12:01 > 0:12:02'Tom Cruise,
0:12:02 > 0:12:04'Kylie Minogue,
0:12:04 > 0:12:06'the Queen
0:12:06 > 0:12:08'and Sylvester Stallone.'
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Stallone looks like the saddest sex doll ever.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Look at his eyes!
0:12:13 > 0:12:19MUSIC: "Mad World" by Gary Jules
0:12:19 > 0:12:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Check out the service that this church is offering.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37'Alex Averill defended himself and his church,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40'after police say members of Phoenix Goddess Temple
0:12:40 > 0:12:43'ran an organised prostitution ring out of the church.'
0:12:43 > 0:12:46That's right, it's a brothel and a church.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48They don't just talk about a burning bush,
0:12:48 > 0:12:51they'll give you one!
0:12:51 > 0:12:54So what kind of stuff can parishioners look forward to?
0:12:54 > 0:12:58'Calling themselves whole body healers they offer nude life coaching
0:12:58 > 0:13:00'and prostate massages.'
0:13:00 > 0:13:01LAUGHTER
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Prostate massage?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06"Can you feel Jesus?" "No, but you need to clip your nails!"
0:13:06 > 0:13:08AUDIENCE: Ohhh!
0:13:08 > 0:13:12"I feel like Sylvester Stallone!"
0:13:12 > 0:13:15It's such nonsense. Whole body healers?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Have a look at what the leader of this church calls himself.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21At my church, I'm labelled a shaman.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23A shaman. Wow!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25What magical powers does he have?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28'He's devoted himself to healing people
0:13:28 > 0:13:31'including overweight women who need to feel loved.'
0:13:31 > 0:13:33LAUGHTER
0:13:33 > 0:13:35He bangs fat women.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39If that makes you a shaman, I'll start calling my brother Gandalf.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43LAUGHTER
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Mind you, if you think a church that provides sex is creepy,
0:13:46 > 0:13:48look what this preacher's offering.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Pastor Bates laid hands on him,
0:13:50 > 0:13:54almost two hours ago.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57He hasn't moved since.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Wouldn't you like the holy ghost to come on you like that?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01LAUGHTER
0:14:01 > 0:14:02No, no, no, no, no...
0:14:02 > 0:14:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:07 > 0:14:10The final religious story this week is a bit more bizarre.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16How lovely! Whereabouts?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19GROANING
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Holy shit!
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Literally.
0:14:26 > 0:14:32Poor Jesus. "Dad, you have sent me to the wrong place!"
0:14:32 > 0:14:33LAUGHTER
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Many were appalled. One lady loved it.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Wow! Look at that! LAUGHTER
0:14:39 > 0:14:40It's nonsense!
0:14:40 > 0:14:43If Jesus was going to land on any dog, surely it would be this fellow.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45QUACK!
0:14:50 > 0:14:52A new book has been published this week about X-rays,
0:14:52 > 0:14:55showing the many varied things that people have inserted
0:14:55 > 0:14:57into their arseholes.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59'The X-rays are in a new book called...'
0:15:05 > 0:15:08'Everything from a computer mouse to a cassette tape,
0:15:08 > 0:15:10'this string of Christmas lights
0:15:10 > 0:15:14'and this is Barbie, but it isn't her dream house she's in!'
0:15:14 > 0:15:17She was not happy!
0:15:17 > 0:15:18SHE SCREAMS
0:15:18 > 0:15:20GROANING
0:15:20 > 0:15:22The worst thing...
0:15:22 > 0:15:24This book...
0:15:24 > 0:15:26LAUGHTER
0:15:28 > 0:15:31This book was written by doctors.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35'It's authored by this emergency room physician and two other doctors.'
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Bastards!
0:15:36 > 0:15:39"Hey, doc, you're not going to tell the world
0:15:39 > 0:15:42"about me putting a doll up my arse, are you?"
0:15:42 > 0:15:43"Oh, NO...
0:15:43 > 0:15:45"I'd never do that!"
0:15:45 > 0:15:50"Have a look at that, Dave, it's like a yawning hippo."
0:15:50 > 0:15:52So, what's the number one excuse
0:15:52 > 0:15:54people come up with in this situation?
0:15:54 > 0:15:56"I accidentally fell on an object."
0:15:56 > 0:15:59That's probably the most common accidental story you hear.
0:15:59 > 0:16:05'And who hasn't sat on their glasses really, really hard, while nude(?)'
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Exactly!
0:16:07 > 0:16:09So, what was the doctor's favourite?
0:16:09 > 0:16:13'But the Doctor's favourite found objects are action figures -
0:16:13 > 0:16:15'poor Buzz Lightyear.'
0:16:15 > 0:16:16LOUD GROANING
0:16:16 > 0:16:20"To infinity and... what the fuck is that!"
0:16:20 > 0:16:22LAUGHTER
0:16:22 > 0:16:23"Ahhhh!"
0:16:23 > 0:16:25APPLAUSE
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- "All right, Barbie?" - LAUGHTER
0:16:32 > 0:16:35That was their favourite, this was my favourite.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39'A more recent X-ray displays an iPod Nano.'
0:16:39 > 0:16:42That's what happens if you play this out loud on the Tube.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45SONG: "Baby" by Justin Beiber ft. Ludacris
0:16:45 > 0:16:48"Come here, you little sod!"
0:16:48 > 0:16:50APPLAUSE
0:16:50 > 0:16:53We'd all do it. We'd ALL do it.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Now, from X-rays to a new treatment for dogs.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00'We love our pets and want to keep them happy,
0:17:00 > 0:17:02'and since it's hard for them to roll a joint
0:17:02 > 0:17:06'a Seattle company's developing a medical marijuana patch for dogs.'
0:17:06 > 0:17:08LAUGHTER
0:17:08 > 0:17:12A dog marijuana patch? This guy looks like he's already on it.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14LAUGHTER
0:17:16 > 0:17:18It's his eyes. Look at his eyes!
0:17:20 > 0:17:23"You all right, Rover?" "I think I'm stoned...
0:17:23 > 0:17:26"I can see Jesus on my arse."
0:17:26 > 0:17:27LAUGHTER
0:17:27 > 0:17:29I would love to see my dog high,
0:17:29 > 0:17:32giggling his tits off at Marley And Me.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35"He's going to die in a minute!
0:17:35 > 0:17:38"What a prick!"
0:17:38 > 0:17:42"You know the government's watching us, right?"
0:17:42 > 0:17:46"Quite conspiratorial?" "Yeah, they're fucking everywhere, man"
0:17:46 > 0:17:49"You got to tread light, son, tread light."
0:17:49 > 0:17:53"Is that from The Wire?" "Yeah, I've been watching The Wire."
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Now, here's a little tip -
0:17:54 > 0:17:58if you're using is on your dog, make sure you only use one patch.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03LAUGHTER
0:18:10 > 0:18:13This is the part I genuinely know nothing about.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15There's a mystery guest who's been in the news
0:18:15 > 0:18:17and I have to figure out who that person is.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Please welcome my mystery guest!
0:18:19 > 0:18:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:25 > 0:18:27- Hello.- Hey.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32- Hello, you all right? - Nice to meet you.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- What's your name?- Jan. - Nice to meet you.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Jan, it looks like we're in a folk pub. Is that close?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- Yeah, something to do with that. - It's something to do with folk.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44Folk, Guinness, playing a violin and drinking Guinness.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- You look a bit like a magician, as well.- A magician? Thanks.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51- It's not something I wear everyday. - Why are you wearing it here, then?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- Special event, just to help you guess what I am.- To wear that?- Yeah.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Did you think I was a magpie?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58LAUGHTER
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Why's it all shiny? I can't take my eyes off it.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04To stand out on stage.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- Oh, right, so you're a performer? - Yeah.- OK.
0:19:07 > 0:19:12- Presumably it involves the violin?- No.- It doesn't. OK...
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Do you hunt down men that play the violin?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17No, no, not really.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21- You've never killed a man? - No, not yet.- Not yet?!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23LAUGHTER
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Any other clues? So you're a performer, anything else?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- Irish.- You're Irish? - That's the big clue.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Er...I don't know, just tell me.
0:19:31 > 0:19:36I'm the under 21 Male World Irish Dancing Champion.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:40 > 0:19:41Nice to meet you.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45So what this is, is racism, essentially!
0:19:45 > 0:19:49- Stereotypes.- He's Irish and there's a pint of Guinness there.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52I'm surprised we didn't have a tiny man going, "Ah, hello!"
0:19:52 > 0:19:55"Please let me come on!"
0:19:55 > 0:19:58So, have you ever pulled a lady doing your Irish...jiggery?
0:19:58 > 0:20:01I've been in a dance-off at a club before.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- How did that go?- Surprisingly well. I thought people would laugh,
0:20:04 > 0:20:07but they clapped. Got free drinks and a phone number.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09A phone number?! There you go!
0:20:09 > 0:20:10LADIES: Wooo!
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Show the moves that made the ladies swoon.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17- It was...- Pretend I'm a lady in a club watching you.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19- IRISH ACCENT:- "I like that one over there,
0:20:19 > 0:20:23"the shiny fucker over there, look at him."
0:20:23 > 0:20:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- IRISH ACCENT:- "Johnny Dazzle-pants, I like that one. Dance for me."
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- Er, well, I started slowly... - "Oh, yeah."
0:20:34 > 0:20:36..and then I went faster...
0:20:36 > 0:20:37"Oh, God.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40"Oh, don't ever stop moving your feet.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43"Oh, I...yes!"
0:20:43 > 0:20:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:44 > 0:20:48- Well done, man!- Thank you very much.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50- Shall we do some dancing? - We are going to in a minute.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- I'll show you a few steps if... - I'd love to!
0:20:52 > 0:20:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- IRISH ACCENT:- So, I'm in the mood for dancing, Jan!
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- LAUGHTER - Teach me how to dance!
0:21:02 > 0:21:05I'll start you off with basic beginning steps.
0:21:05 > 0:21:06- OK.- So that's...
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Oh, nice!
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- Stuff like that.- Lovely.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:16 > 0:21:19So, first, what I'll teach you is a shuffle.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- Erm, tap it forward.- This one, yeah.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Right foot, right foot.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25So, tap it forward...back...
0:21:25 > 0:21:29and then hop...down. Very good.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32So, you've got to be like a really kind of flamboyant penguin.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35LAUGHTER
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- I guess.- I'm sorry. - That's all right.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42- Erm, next one.- Yep.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Be careful, I don't want you to hurt yourself.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- Nice. - LAUGHTER
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- It's called a click.- Yep.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Pick up the right leg and then click the heels together.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56- Ow! - LAUGHTER
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- So, are you meant to do, are you meant to go like that?- Very good.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:03 > 0:22:07If you imagine there's a football there, it's a lot easier, you go...
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Drag, it's called.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13- Just drag your foot. - Oh, I like that, that's pretty...
0:22:14 > 0:22:18That's the equivalent of what the dog does when it's wiping its arse.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22"Nobody's looking."
0:22:24 > 0:22:28That's good. We're going to try and put them all together to music. LAUGHTER
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- To music?!- To music, yeah.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35- If that's cool?- Lovely, yeah. - Yeah, OK, let's go.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37MUSIC: "The Lord of The Dance"
0:22:42 > 0:22:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Two, three, end!
0:23:12 > 0:23:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Lovely, well done.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!
0:23:24 > 0:23:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:30 > 0:23:34Check out the McDonald's burger that's than been causing a stir.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38A national fast food chain has a secret menu you don't know about
0:23:38 > 0:23:40and one of the items on that menu
0:23:40 > 0:23:43is proving to be offensive to some people.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45One creation you will not find on any of their menus,
0:23:45 > 0:23:47but one that we were able to order
0:23:47 > 0:23:50at three different Loreto area McDonald's is called a McGangBang.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52LAUGHTER
0:23:52 > 0:23:55# Doo-doo do doo I'm smashing it! #
0:23:55 > 0:23:56LAUGHTER
0:23:56 > 0:24:00The McGangBang?! I hope it doesn't come with a Happy Meal toy!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03GROANING
0:24:03 > 0:24:07So, are customers upset by the McGangBang burger? No!
0:24:07 > 0:24:10In honour of the rude meal, they have been going to McDonald's,
0:24:10 > 0:24:13finding a statue of Ronald and making him look like a pervert.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16LAUGHTER
0:24:16 > 0:24:17This lady takes it a stage further.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:24:20 > 0:24:22But this guy has to be the winner!
0:24:23 > 0:24:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:29 > 0:24:32This is a story about a company who invented a filthy motorbike.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Ever been on the toilet and thought,
0:24:34 > 0:24:37"If only I can do this while riding a bike"?
0:24:37 > 0:24:38No.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Now your dreams may just become a reality.
0:24:41 > 0:24:46Japanese toilet manufacturer Toto has invented the Toiletbike Neo,
0:24:46 > 0:24:50a motorcycle powered entirely by human waste.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53What?! Imagine what you'd look like riding that?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55You can be the best looking person in the world,
0:24:55 > 0:24:59when you're having a dump we all look a little bit Gollum.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02This looks all right...this isn't.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06In case some of you are interested, it has other features.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15"Kill me!"
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Full of shit and can't stop talking,
0:25:17 > 0:25:19sounds like a description of this show.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22LAUGHTER
0:25:22 > 0:25:25APPLAUSE
0:25:25 > 0:25:29Over in Northern Ireland, they've discovered a cunning escape artist.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31'It began when farmer Tom Grant,
0:25:31 > 0:25:34'having securely locked his valuable animals up for the night,
0:25:34 > 0:25:38'found them roaming wild outside the next day.'
0:25:38 > 0:25:41So, how did the animals escape? Did local kids set them free?
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Nope, it was down to a clever cow called Daisy. Look what she did.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47MUSIC: Theme from "The Great Escape"
0:25:59 > 0:26:05'And with one bound, Daisy and her fellow C.O.Ws were free.'
0:26:05 > 0:26:07I love that, "C.O.Ws!"
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Like they're in prison,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12"Look alive, girls. Tomorrow, we're going over the top.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15"Last one back to Blighty is a McGangBang."
0:26:15 > 0:26:16LAUGHTER
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Mind you, not everyone is as gifted as Daisy.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:26:24 > 0:26:25What does that remind me of?
0:26:25 > 0:26:27LAUGHTER
0:26:27 > 0:26:29APPLAUSE
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Tonight's story is an inspiring and emotional tale
0:26:37 > 0:26:39of Yoshi and Emma De Silva
0:26:39 > 0:26:42and the healing power of their baby's touch.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43'After five years of trying,
0:26:43 > 0:26:47'Yoshi and Emma were blessed with a daughter they named Eloise,
0:26:47 > 0:26:49'but just 19 days later
0:26:49 > 0:26:52'a dreadful accident put mother and daughter in hospital.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55SIREN
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I really thought to myself at that moment in time,
0:26:58 > 0:27:02"I'm going to lose my daughter and my wife."
0:27:02 > 0:27:07They basically said, "Your wife is seriously brain damaged.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09"We'd like to switch the machines off."
0:27:09 > 0:27:13'But gradually his little girl emerged from danger.'
0:27:13 > 0:27:17I honestly believe that if one person could get her through this,
0:27:17 > 0:27:19it was that little girl.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23'Every day, Yoshi would bring Eloise to the hospital
0:27:23 > 0:27:28'so she could hold her mother, touch her, skin on skin.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33'Then, on one visit, Emma's eyelids began to move.'
0:27:37 > 0:27:42She really dug in there and found her mother from somewhere...
0:27:42 > 0:27:45cos I think Emma was very lost for a long time.
0:27:47 > 0:27:52'And then, 12 weeks, 84 days after falling into a coma,
0:27:52 > 0:27:54'Emma woke up...
0:27:54 > 0:27:56'holding Eloise in her arms.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Push with your legs and stand up.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Emma, that's amazing.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06That little girl saved two people, absolutely.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10She saved her mother and absolutely she has saved me.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15It's incredible, isn't it?
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Saturday night - time for stand-up. These guys are brilliant.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24They do a podcast called Peacock and Gamble.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27Luckily, they are Peacock and Gamble - or that would be a mistake.
0:28:27 > 0:28:31Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the brilliant Peacock and Gamble.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:38 > 0:28:42- Take that off. Take that off. - High five!
0:28:42 > 0:28:45Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. First of all, I'd just like to thank
0:28:45 > 0:28:47BBC Three for having us here this evening...
0:28:47 > 0:28:49No, no, no.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Oh, yeah, sorry. Just before we start,
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Ray actually had something he wanted to tell you. So, Ray?
0:28:58 > 0:29:01I saw a police car with its nee-naws on today.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03LAUGHTER
0:29:03 > 0:29:08- Yeah, he saw a police car with the sirens on...- It was going really fast.
0:29:08 > 0:29:12- How fast was it going? - About thousand mousand miles an hour.- A thousand...
0:29:12 > 0:29:163,000 miles an hour. I think something had happened.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18I hope everyone is all right.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21What we going to do tonight, Ray?
0:29:21 > 0:29:24- A special thing, show off all of our different comedy things.- Exactly.
0:29:24 > 0:29:28We are going to show you a cross-section of our comedic repertoire -
0:29:28 > 0:29:30what I like to call our comedy terrine.
0:29:30 > 0:29:34Basically what we're going to do is a cross-section of our comedic repertoire,
0:29:34 > 0:29:37which is what I like to call our comedy terrine.
0:29:37 > 0:29:39LAUGHTER
0:29:39 > 0:29:42- That's exactly what I just said.- I know.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44And I thought it was brilliant.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48So, I re-Tweeted it for everyone to enjoy that.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51All my followers in here.
0:29:51 > 0:29:55- Live Twitter.- That's not really what it is.- Better than normal Twitter.
0:29:55 > 0:29:59- Normal Twitter, you're held in, 140 characters.- You are, yeah.
0:29:59 > 0:30:03As many as you want with Live Twitter. I'll do another Tweet now.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06- Go on.- Doing telly programme, it's all right.- Right, OK.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09Another brilliant Tweet there, thank you.
0:30:09 > 0:30:12- You've sort of just invented life, haven't you?- Done all right.
0:30:12 > 0:30:15- Tell them what we're going to do tonight.- Well, tonight we've got
0:30:15 > 0:30:18a very exciting bit. We're going to show all our talents off.
0:30:18 > 0:30:22All the different talents as an audition for BBC Three, thank you very much indeed.
0:30:22 > 0:30:23We're doing some great things.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26Later on, he doesn't know about this, but I will be doing my new
0:30:26 > 0:30:29ventriloquist act, thank you very much indeed.
0:30:29 > 0:30:32No, that won't be happening. We've talked about that.
0:30:32 > 0:30:37- Unfortunately that won't happen. - He's called Naughty Keith - he's funny.- That simply won't happen.
0:30:37 > 0:30:41- Here's really rude. - This is a comedy show. Have you brought our joke?- Yes.
0:30:41 > 0:30:44Yes. I have brought 12 jokes.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46LAUGHTER
0:30:46 > 0:30:4812? Have you really brought 12?
0:30:48 > 0:30:51I can tell you're lying about that.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53Have you learned how to lie off LA Noire?
0:30:53 > 0:30:54- Do you not believe that?- No.
0:30:54 > 0:30:58That is a thing, that. No, I have brought, em, four jokes.
0:30:58 > 0:31:02Four jokes? Four jokes is still good. Spread those out throughout.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05No, do them all now. Do it all now. All at the very beginning.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08Here we go for the first section, which is the joke section.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10APPLAUSE
0:31:10 > 0:31:13Looking forward to these. Here we go. Get ready for this now.
0:31:13 > 0:31:17- Wait for this.- Right...
0:31:17 > 0:31:22- Knock knock. Who's there?- Hang on, I can do that. I can do that.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25Double act, traditional call and response. I can do "who's there?".
0:31:25 > 0:31:30- Knock knock.- Who's there? Just me. - Just you on your own, that's fine.
0:31:30 > 0:31:32- Yeah. Knock knock.- Who's there?
0:31:32 > 0:31:38Don't even mouth it. I've got all of it. I've got this.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41- Knock knock.- Who's there?
0:31:41 > 0:31:45How does Batman's mum get him in for his dinner at night?
0:31:45 > 0:31:47"Batman, your dinner's ready!"
0:31:47 > 0:31:48LAUGHTER
0:31:48 > 0:31:51- SINGS:- "Dinner-dinner, Batman," that one.
0:31:51 > 0:31:53So that's that one, is it?
0:31:53 > 0:31:57- Why did you say, "knock knock"? - It is a joke. Here's another one.
0:31:57 > 0:31:58Brilliant. Here we go.
0:31:58 > 0:32:02- Knock knock.- Who's there?- Oh, it is Christmas.- No, it's not.
0:32:02 > 0:32:06- Nearly Christmas.- Not really, no. - And with that in mind...
0:32:06 > 0:32:09With that in mind? Who starts a joke with, "With that in mind"?
0:32:09 > 0:32:12I'm setting up a premise for...
0:32:12 > 0:32:17- With that in mind... - All right.- ..what exams has Father Christmas got?
0:32:17 > 0:32:19A-Levels, of course.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21LAUGHTER
0:32:21 > 0:32:25I see what you're aiming at, but the answer to that one is "Ho-ho-ho-Levels".
0:32:25 > 0:32:30- Ho-ho-ho-Levels! - But it doesn't work because it's not O-Levels any more, it's GCSEs.
0:32:30 > 0:32:33What exams has Father Christmas got? GCSEs!
0:32:33 > 0:32:34LAUGHTER
0:32:34 > 0:32:37- That doesn't work, either. - I'm sick of you.- You're sick of me?
0:32:37 > 0:32:41- There is no need for you.- Right, OK. - You are bang out of order, mate.
0:32:41 > 0:32:45My mum is taping this and you're making me look stupid on television.
0:32:45 > 0:32:50- I don't think I'm making you look stupid.- And you put a suit on as well and didn't tell me about it.
0:32:50 > 0:32:56I called you and said, "Let's dress smart for this." In your head, that translated as wear a sheriff's badge.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59That's smart. That is smart.
0:32:59 > 0:33:03- It's not smart in this century. - It is smart in some places in the Westerns.- It's not.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05But, anyway, you're going to look stupid.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08You have made a Rod for your own Jane and Freddy
0:33:08 > 0:33:11because I am now going to do a brilliant section now.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13It is time for my brand-new ventriloquism act.
0:33:13 > 0:33:14Get ready for this.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:33:17 > 0:33:20- Here we go now.- Please... - Get ready for this.
0:33:20 > 0:33:21HE SINGS
0:33:21 > 0:33:25You're putting on a jacket. When I said, "dress smart," you could've...
0:33:25 > 0:33:29- Here we go.- What the fuck is that? - Get ready.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32What on Earth is that? Mate!
0:33:32 > 0:33:35Oh, hello. What is your name?
0:33:35 > 0:33:40- "My name is Naughty Keith!" - Naughty Keith?- Oh.
0:33:40 > 0:33:44- Have you not prepared anything? - I was making that!
0:33:46 > 0:33:51Why do they call you Naughty Keith? "Because I am right bloody naughty, me!"
0:33:51 > 0:33:52What is it? What is that?
0:33:52 > 0:33:55LAUGHTER
0:33:55 > 0:33:58- What naughty things have you done today?- I don't even know what it is.
0:33:58 > 0:34:03- "I poured petrol on a tramp and set fire to it!"- No, mate, no.
0:34:03 > 0:34:07Naughty Keith, you shouldn't really do that.
0:34:07 > 0:34:11This is Naughty Keith, I know that. What on Earth is Naughty Keith?
0:34:11 > 0:34:14- Right, it's a little puppet. - Of what?- Of a boy.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17- Clearly a boy! - What's happened to him?
0:34:17 > 0:34:20He looks really sad. It's awful.
0:34:20 > 0:34:22- You know that I like the Muppets? - Yeah.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24Love the Muppets, right. This is my one.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26I'm going to take it to America, join the Muppets,
0:34:26 > 0:34:28- make my fortune.- Right. - "Mahna Mahna!"
0:34:28 > 0:34:30# Do-doo do-do-do... #
0:34:30 > 0:34:34- "Piss!"- Piss?- Yeah, piss. Piss is his catchphrase. "Piss!"
0:34:34 > 0:34:36LAUGHTER
0:34:36 > 0:34:40- They will all be saying it tomorrow. - They won't be, mate, no. - Get it on a T-shirt.
0:34:40 > 0:34:44- The word, not the thing.- Right, it's not going to fit in with the Muppets.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47- "Piss!"- It's not going to fit in with the Muppets at all.- Why?
0:34:47 > 0:34:49It looks like it might rape Kermit.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52- LAUGHTER - "Piss!"- Stop saying "piss".
0:34:52 > 0:34:56- "Piss, piss, piss!"- You're a terrible ventriloquist as well. It's not going to work.
0:34:56 > 0:34:58- Your technique's terrible. - AUDIENCE: Aw...
0:34:58 > 0:35:02No, shut up! He's a grown man!
0:35:02 > 0:35:04It's not going to work. The technique's awful.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06I can see your lips moving.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09That is my voice. That is me doing it.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12- No, I know.- Watch him. "Piss!"
0:35:12 > 0:35:14Now watch me. "Piss!" It's me!
0:35:14 > 0:35:16LAUGHTER
0:35:16 > 0:35:18How can I do it without moving my lips?
0:35:18 > 0:35:22That's like saying to someone, "Look over there, but keep your eyes shut."
0:35:22 > 0:35:27- I can't do it.- Second point on technique, you're supposed to make that look like it is coming alive.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30When you are talking as yourself it's just down by your side.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33And you're constantly making it talk upside down
0:35:33 > 0:35:36and I literally just saw you use it to scratch your head with.
0:35:36 > 0:35:38LAUGHTER
0:35:38 > 0:35:43- My hand is in it!- I know!- I think he thinks it's real.- No, I don't, mate.
0:35:43 > 0:35:45- "Piss!"- Stop saying, "piss".
0:35:45 > 0:35:49- It is a catchphrase!- It's not a catchphrase, it's just a swear-word.
0:35:49 > 0:35:53- What the fuck are you doing? - I'm sorry. Don't do that.
0:35:53 > 0:35:56That is naughty. Don't get violent, Naughty Keith.
0:35:56 > 0:36:00That is not Naughty Keith. It's you, a man in his 30s with in binbag on his hand punching someone.
0:36:00 > 0:36:02LAUGHTER
0:36:02 > 0:36:06Anyone can do something like that. "Oh, look, who's this? It's Rude Kelly."
0:36:06 > 0:36:08Ow! What was that for? That is my BCG!
0:36:08 > 0:36:13- It's not working.- Pus will come out of that now.- Give it here.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16I can't already have baths.
0:36:16 > 0:36:20- You've got me, all right? You don't need him.- That is a fair comment.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22We're a double act. You don't need Naughty Keith.
0:36:22 > 0:36:27- You're right.- Now, ladies and gentlemen, we've actually got quite an exciting Batman finale for you.
0:36:27 > 0:36:31A musical finale where we'll play some villains from Batman... What you doing?
0:36:31 > 0:36:36Don't need a puppet, we've got a double act, it's fine. I've got Ed, don't need a puppet.
0:36:36 > 0:36:41- So, quite exciting... What you doing?- Nothing.
0:36:41 > 0:36:45So, I'll be playing a villain, he'll be playing a villain...
0:36:45 > 0:36:47Mate, what...
0:36:47 > 0:36:50What are you doing?
0:36:50 > 0:36:54- You know we're best friends? I hope you don't mind me saying that? - You can say that, fine.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57- I thought I would have a go at fisting you.- No.
0:36:57 > 0:36:58LAUGHTER
0:36:58 > 0:37:02- Just one turn of it?- No, you're not allowed to fist.- Fist it!
0:37:02 > 0:37:08- Fist it!- What's that, some new version of Bop It?- Yeah!
0:37:08 > 0:37:11- Flick it, twist it, fist it... - Fist it!
0:37:11 > 0:37:12LAUGHTER
0:37:12 > 0:37:16- Stop it.- What are you...
0:37:16 > 0:37:17- Nothing.- Who you looking at?
0:37:17 > 0:37:20- You spotted someone you like? - Fist it!
0:37:20 > 0:37:24No, you can't say, "fist it," to ladies.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26I'm not. I don't even fancy her.
0:37:26 > 0:37:30- You do. I can see you do in your eyes.- Shut up!
0:37:30 > 0:37:33That's not how you get ladies. Why not just try talking to her, Ray?
0:37:33 > 0:37:37- Yeah?- Yeah. Just have a chat. - Everyone can see...
0:37:37 > 0:37:41- Just talk to her, be a bit smoother. - All right, I'll walk towards her. - Go on, then.
0:37:41 > 0:37:42LAUGHTER
0:37:42 > 0:37:45- That's good.- Hello!
0:37:45 > 0:37:48- Hi.- What is your name? - That's good, ask her her name.
0:37:48 > 0:37:50- Rachel.- Rachel.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54- Are you all right for cock? - No, that's...
0:37:54 > 0:37:55LAUGHTER
0:37:58 > 0:37:59No.
0:37:59 > 0:38:02- Rachel, you have got a lovely, pretty face.- That's good.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04- I will decorate it for you.- No!
0:38:04 > 0:38:07LAUGHTER
0:38:07 > 0:38:12- Oh, God!- What?- That's not what I meant. Oh, God! That sounded wrong, sorry.
0:38:12 > 0:38:15- I meant spunk on it. - LAUGHTER
0:38:17 > 0:38:20- You've really upset that lady. - It's all right, isn't it?
0:38:20 > 0:38:23OK, so now it's time for the Batman finale, ladies and gentlemen.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26- No. I don't think we should do it. - What do you mean?
0:38:26 > 0:38:30- I said last night we shouldn't do the Batman finale.- Why? - You look brilliant as the Joker.
0:38:30 > 0:38:34Yeah, I'm going to be the Joker, mate. Get that all on there.
0:38:34 > 0:38:38- My character doesn't make sense. - What?- The character you gave me isn't in Batman.
0:38:38 > 0:38:41- It's a really famous villain. - No, it's not. I've read the comics.
0:38:41 > 0:38:46- It's not in it at all. - Right, OK.- That looks brilliant!
0:38:46 > 0:38:48- I know. Joker, isn't it? - I should be the Penguin.
0:38:48 > 0:38:52No, your character was in the last film. Really famous.
0:38:52 > 0:38:56- It wasn't in the last film! I've seen it.- It was. Go and get changed.
0:38:56 > 0:39:00- Really famous.- You'll make me look really stupid. - You've done that already.
0:39:00 > 0:39:01LAUGHTER
0:39:01 > 0:39:03Batman finale, here we go.
0:39:03 > 0:39:08Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the Batman finale.
0:39:10 > 0:39:14Good evening! I am the Joker.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17Welcome to Gotham City.
0:39:17 > 0:39:20You are all my hostages.
0:39:20 > 0:39:24If Batman does not arrive within the next five minutes,
0:39:24 > 0:39:27we will all be blown to smithereens.
0:39:27 > 0:39:30But I could not have done this alone.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33I had to have an accomplice.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
0:39:36 > 0:39:38the man you knew as Harvey Dent.
0:39:38 > 0:39:41What?
0:39:41 > 0:39:44- It's Two-Face!- Oh!
0:39:44 > 0:39:46- What?- Oh, shit.
0:39:46 > 0:39:48- What?- I know that one.
0:39:48 > 0:39:50- What do you mean?- Oh, mate.
0:39:50 > 0:39:52Shit, mate...
0:39:52 > 0:39:53LAUGHTER
0:39:53 > 0:39:56APPLAUSE
0:40:00 > 0:40:03- I don't want to look.- Two-Face, that is one.
0:40:03 > 0:40:04Oh, my fucking God!
0:40:06 > 0:40:08Oh, my God!
0:40:08 > 0:40:10- Two-Face!- Two-Face, yeah.
0:40:10 > 0:40:14- That is why you have got to text it. - Where did you even get that from?
0:40:14 > 0:40:17- Boots.- Boots?- It's a chemist.
0:40:17 > 0:40:22I know it's a chemist! How's this going to work? It's supposed to be a big sinister song,
0:40:22 > 0:40:24the big villain sinister finale song
0:40:24 > 0:40:29and I'm going to be the Joker and you're going to be doing a fucking Colgate advert.
0:40:29 > 0:40:32- No. It'll be fine.- How will it be fine?- We can blag it.
0:40:32 > 0:40:33How can we blag it?
0:40:33 > 0:40:37- You look like a prop from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.- No, listen.
0:40:37 > 0:40:39- New baddie.- New baddie?
0:40:39 > 0:40:42- New baddie, thank you. - Toothpaste is a new Batman baddie?
0:40:42 > 0:40:44- I have got fluoride. - That's not scary!
0:40:44 > 0:40:49What's Batman going to do, just roll you up from the bottom?
0:40:49 > 0:40:51- We can do it.- We can't. The song's going to make no sense.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53You sing your bits and I will blag around it.
0:40:53 > 0:40:56It'll be fine. No-one will notice. Ready?
0:40:56 > 0:40:58OK, play the music, go.
0:40:58 > 0:41:00INTRODUCTION PLAYS
0:41:02 > 0:41:05# Gotham city late at night
0:41:05 > 0:41:09# Two master criminals in plain sight
0:41:09 > 0:41:15# We're here to bring this city down...
0:41:15 > 0:41:18- Rubbish.- You're fine.
0:41:18 > 0:41:19# I am the Joker
0:41:19 > 0:41:22# And I'm toothpaste
0:41:22 > 0:41:25# We're a couple of naughty boys
0:41:25 > 0:41:29# I've a band of henchmen from Gotham slums
0:41:29 > 0:41:32# And I'm ideal for sensitive gums
0:41:32 > 0:41:35# Gotham is ours You won't be given a chance
0:41:35 > 0:41:39# So everybody do the Clean Teeth dance
0:41:39 > 0:41:42# Da da-da...
0:41:42 > 0:41:43It's quite good fun.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45Oh, look. I'm Harvey Dent-ist.
0:41:45 > 0:41:46That is good.
0:41:46 > 0:41:48# Da da-da...
0:41:48 > 0:41:50You might have saved this.
0:41:50 > 0:41:54- # We are the baddest man... - Kick!
0:41:54 > 0:41:57- # This town has... - Go right through the middle.
0:41:57 > 0:42:01# Ever seen
0:42:01 > 0:42:04# I'll blow up your wife.
0:42:04 > 0:42:05You naughty boy!
0:42:05 > 0:42:08# And I'll...keep...
0:42:08 > 0:42:12# Your mouth clean...
0:42:12 > 0:42:15Testify! I'll do this.
0:42:15 > 0:42:19# Your lips, your tongue, your gums and all the bits in between. #
0:42:19 > 0:42:21All friends in the end!
0:42:21 > 0:42:23APPLAUSE
0:42:24 > 0:42:29- Thank you!- Thanks very much! We've been Peacock and Gamble!
0:42:29 > 0:42:32Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Peacock and Gamble!
0:42:32 > 0:42:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:39 > 0:42:43- Thank you very much for watching Good News. Goodnight. - APPLAUSE
0:43:00 > 0:43:02Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:43:02 > 0:43:04E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk