0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Thank you.
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Thanks very much.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Thank...you.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Hello and welcome to Good News.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Hope you've had a good week. So, what's been going on?
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Over at Sky News, this guy revealed his ultimate fantasy.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Let's bring a jockey in here, bend him over the desk
0:00:43 > 0:00:46and beat him on the backside with it and see if it hurts.
0:00:46 > 0:00:47LAUGHTER
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Now, if you look closely,
0:00:49 > 0:00:52I think the bloke on the left may have a drink problem.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Now, the Christmas party season is almost upon us...
0:00:55 > 0:01:00What else? Nick Owen was gutted when his Viagra didn't arrive.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03- Hmm.- Not a good night, was it? - No, very frustrating.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05LAUGHTER
0:01:05 > 0:01:07This fella - no such problem.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11One individual said that I had the testicles of an elephant.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17And finally, don't you just love it when a plan DOESN'T come together?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19I'm hanging out with my friend, John.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22- Fox Five Morning News starts, look there.- And it starts now!
0:01:24 > 0:01:26LAUGHTER
0:01:26 > 0:01:28APPLAUSE
0:01:29 > 0:01:32So, the big news this week - Britain went on strike.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Walkout - Britain's biggest strike in 30 years gets under way
0:01:35 > 0:01:39as hundreds of thousands of staff protest over pensions.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41So, who was affected?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Millions of children are spending the day at home
0:01:43 > 0:01:45after three-quarters of schools closed.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47And how did kids feel about it?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Thank you, teachers, innit?!
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Nice one! THEY CHEER
0:01:52 > 0:01:54They were fucking delighted.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58Before the strike, we were warned that Heathrow would grind to a halt.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Chaos at airports.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- Very long queues.- Potential chaos.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- Three hour delays.- Gridlock.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- Didn't really work out like that. - The quickest I've ever got through.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10In fact, airports were so relaxed,
0:02:10 > 0:02:13people had time for a bit of fun.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14How was immigration, gents?
0:02:14 > 0:02:18I didn't have a problem, personally. If anything, it was a bit quicker.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20The flight left bang on time.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Quack!
0:02:21 > 0:02:24LAUGHTER
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Where have I heard that noise before?
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Quack!
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Pugalicious!
0:02:40 > 0:02:42APPLAUSE
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Now, did you see what Cameron said about the strikes?
0:02:46 > 0:02:50David Cameron says the strike, in his view, has been a damp squib.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54Fair to say, Cameron's comments slightly angered this protestor.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57We're sick to death of you and your like,
0:02:57 > 0:02:59David fucking Cammer face!
0:02:59 > 0:03:01LAUGHTER
0:03:01 > 0:03:05This bloke does a blog in his car. You've never seen rage like this.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Look what he wants Cameron and his mates to do.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Stick your fucking dicks back in your trousers,
0:03:11 > 0:03:13stop waving them around...
0:03:13 > 0:03:14What?!
0:03:15 > 0:03:17I've seen a lot of Cameron's speeches,
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I've never seen him ONCE do the helicopter.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22I would've remembered...
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I would've definitely remembered that moment. Nice one, Cleggy!
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Mind you, not everyone was angry.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32In the middle of the protest march,
0:03:32 > 0:03:35I spotted the happiest photographer ever.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37- But actually...- Well, John Hutton...
0:03:37 > 0:03:39LAUGHTER
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Well, I know, but I think he was wrong...
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Talking of joy, the results were in
0:03:46 > 0:03:49for the first-ever UK happiness test.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Now, despite the country's economic woes,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54a survey has found that most of us are still happy.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57The trouble is, you can't measure happiness.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Very often, it can be tiny things that perk you up.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02For example, here's what made me happy this week.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03Number one - this photo.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Number two - my mum sent my brother a text.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15My brother's reply...
0:04:20 > 0:04:22And number three, seeing this -
0:04:22 > 0:04:24it just makes you want to cheer.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27What do you get when you cross an American frisbee champion,
0:04:27 > 0:04:29and a creative bunch of Aussies
0:04:29 > 0:04:31renowned for their YouTube acts of skill?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34This right here is the world's fastest receiver.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49HE SHOUTS
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- APPLAUSE - Just wonderful, isn't it?
0:04:52 > 0:04:57But the thing that cheered me up most of all - I received a letter.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Remember the lady from a couple of weeks ago
0:04:59 > 0:05:01who had her meerkats stolen?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Remember? If you don't, here she is.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06When my daughter Samantha came, she said,
0:05:06 > 0:05:07"Mum, your meerkats have gone."
0:05:07 > 0:05:11So I politely said, "Blow me."
0:05:11 > 0:05:13She's written me a letter.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Now, when I first got it, I was terrified.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18I thought, "Oh, God, she's going to be really upset." Oh, no!
0:05:19 > 0:05:22"Dear Russell..." She's 80, this woman is 80, right?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25"Dear Russell, I pissed myself laughing at you
0:05:25 > 0:05:28"taking the piss out of me and my meerkat.
0:05:30 > 0:05:31"I am as blunt as you can be
0:05:31 > 0:05:34"and less of the 'old woman' - I'm only 80!
0:05:34 > 0:05:38"I've got 29 grandchildren and 42 great-grandchildren.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40"One more thing -
0:05:40 > 0:05:44"could you pay me back for being on TV
0:05:44 > 0:05:48"and buy me a meerkat to replace the one the dog got?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52"And I will blow you anytime."
0:05:52 > 0:05:54AUDIENCE GASPS
0:06:04 > 0:06:06So, what did I do?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08I got her a meerkat!
0:06:11 > 0:06:15So I guess what I'm saying, Barbara, no-one else, just you and me.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18I've kept my side of the deal.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21LAUGHTER
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Finally, big news in the world of football.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28The draw for Euro 2012 has been made.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32England are in a group with France, Sweden and the joint hosts, Ukraine.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Not a bad group, so are we feeling positive?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Can England win it?
0:06:37 > 0:06:38No, we've got no chance.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41LAUGHTER
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Some cracking stories in this section.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50First up, check out the ingenious disguise
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Ron Weasley wears to blend into society.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01I love it! "I'm fed up of being noticed, I just want to be normal.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03"I know, I'll dress as a mallard!"
0:07:04 > 0:07:06D'you want to see his cunning disguise?
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- AUDIENCE:- Yes! - Here's Ron.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Here's the duck...
0:07:14 > 0:07:17I bet you money you'll get teenage boys going on the pull
0:07:17 > 0:07:18wearing duck masks.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20"Are you Ron Weasley?"
0:07:20 > 0:07:25"Yeah...but I like to keep the mask on during sex."
0:07:26 > 0:07:29"Oh, right. Why aren't your pubes ginger?"
0:07:29 > 0:07:30"Oh...
0:07:34 > 0:07:35"..Voldemort did it!"
0:07:35 > 0:07:37LAUGHTER
0:07:37 > 0:07:39"He's really sneaky!"
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Bizarrely, that isn't the weirdest celebrity story.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Check out Lady Gaga's new perfume.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Lady Gaga will be making her debut fragrance, Monster,
0:07:49 > 0:07:51and believe it or not,
0:07:51 > 0:07:54it will actually smell of blood and semen.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Blood and semen? Who wants to smell like this guy's pants?
0:07:58 > 0:08:00LAUGHTER
0:08:01 > 0:08:04D'you reckon you have to apply it like that? It won't come out.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07It's really going to come out in a minute.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Fwap!
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Finally in this section, ladies and gentlemen,
0:08:13 > 0:08:15prepare to meet a fully fledged superstar.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Rodeo is coming to the Resch Center this weekend.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Of course, that means broncos and bulls
0:08:20 > 0:08:22but that's only part of the story this time.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Why? Who else is going to be at the rodeo?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28It also means a performance by what the rodeo is touting
0:08:28 > 0:08:30as the world's strongest chicken.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33The world's strongest...
0:08:33 > 0:08:36"Somebody punch me while I lay an egg!"
0:08:36 > 0:08:41So, did this rock-hard cock arrive in a cage? Fuck, no!
0:08:41 > 0:08:44This is how you make an entrance. This was on the news.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Listen to the music they play.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49It was the kind of welcome usually reserved for rock stars.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52MUSIC: "Gonna Fly Now (Theme from Rocky)" by Bill Conti
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Resch is certainly no stranger to celebrities
0:08:55 > 0:08:58but this one is definitely a first.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00CROWD CHEERS
0:09:04 > 0:09:08This is Harry, the world's strongest chicken.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10"Huuuuh!
0:09:10 > 0:09:15"I'm so hard, Viagra takes me! Huuhh!
0:09:19 > 0:09:23"I got more muscles than a Belgian dinner table. What's my name?!
0:09:26 > 0:09:27"Huuhh!
0:09:32 > 0:09:34"You want to stick a lemon up my ass?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37"Cock-a-doodle-don't, motherclucker!
0:09:37 > 0:09:39"Huuhh!"
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Now...
0:09:43 > 0:09:46..some people reckon making a chicken perform is cruel.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47His owner disagrees.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49His trainer says for a chicken,
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Harry seems pretty happy to be a part of it.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55He loves it. Look at the alternative.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Nando's.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Apparently, one of his tricks - the chicken eats red-hot chillies.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Now, that's fine on the way in - slightly different on the way out.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08ROOSTER CROWS
0:10:08 > 0:10:11KEEPS CROWING
0:10:32 > 0:10:34"Huh!"
0:10:34 > 0:10:37APPLAUSE
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Check out the latest pub entertainment hitting the UK.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Going to the loo while you're out can be a drag.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Well, not any more -
0:10:47 > 0:10:49for men, at least,
0:10:49 > 0:10:52after a bar in London installed urine-controlled video games
0:10:52 > 0:10:54above their urinals.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57That's right, piss-controlled video games.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Apparently you can play them with your mates.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01How awkward would that be in the pub?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03"Oi, Dave, meet me in the toilet.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06"I'm going to get my dick out and teach you a lesson!"
0:11:06 > 0:11:08LAUGHTER
0:11:08 > 0:11:10"No, no, you've misunderstood!"
0:11:11 > 0:11:12Have a look at how it works.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Bladder controllers make for a hands-free experience
0:11:16 > 0:11:20and visitors to the bar are tested on the accuracy of their aim.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Aw, it looks pretty fun, doesn't it?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Who doesn't like to kill penguins with their piss?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26But you know what blokes are like.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30It'll be like a pub quiz machine - everyone will get involved.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37ARCADE GAME BLEEPS
0:11:39 > 0:11:40No, no, left, left.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42BLEEPS CONTINUE
0:11:42 > 0:11:44I've done this before, give it here.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47LAUGHTER
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- WINNING BLEEP - Yeah!
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Oh, mate.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57APPLAUSE
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Now, from weird computer games
0:12:03 > 0:12:05to a story about receiving the wrong package.
0:12:05 > 0:12:0814-year-old Connor Whelihan recently ordered
0:12:08 > 0:12:09a new barrel for his paint gun.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13With his mother's supervision, he ordered one for about 60
0:12:13 > 0:12:15from paintballonline.com
0:12:15 > 0:12:17But what did he get instead?
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Inside the package that arrived are three boxes of Viagra,
0:12:21 > 0:12:23sexual performance-enhancing oils,
0:12:23 > 0:12:25hormone sprays
0:12:25 > 0:12:27and a DVD for men only.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32A massive box of Viagra! I bet he was like that, "Yes!
0:12:32 > 0:12:36"All I need is my duck mask and Operation Ron Weasley is on!"
0:12:38 > 0:12:40What I want to know - why did he go to the news?
0:12:40 > 0:12:44If that had been me, I'd have gone to school, taken it before PE,
0:12:44 > 0:12:45and impressed the ladies.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Mind you, it makes you think - if the kid didn't get his gun,
0:12:51 > 0:12:54someone didn't get their Viagra.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- Not a good night, was it? - No, very frustrating.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01One place you won't need Viagra - this new hairdressers.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Half-naked hairdressers in Sydney, Australia,
0:13:03 > 0:13:07where men come for a topless trim.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Now there are plans to open a similar salon in Norwich.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14"Arrr!" Very different places.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18- Sydney... - AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:- "Behold my sun-kissed orbs of pleasure."
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- Norwich...- NORFOLK ACCENT: - "Check out these bastards!
0:13:22 > 0:13:25"My nipples are wonkier than your eyes!"
0:13:26 > 0:13:29It's madness! It's hard enough talking to hairdressers.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Imagine if they're topless! "Going anywhere on holiday?"
0:13:32 > 0:13:35"Naples. Nipples. Tits. Jugs."
0:13:35 > 0:13:36- HONKS - "Oh, sorry."
0:13:36 > 0:13:38LAUGHTER
0:13:38 > 0:13:42The trouble is, who's to say the hairdressers won't be like this?
0:13:42 > 0:13:43BELL RINGS
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Ah, hello, Mr Howard.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48I'm afraid your usual stylist isn't in, but if you take a seat,
0:13:48 > 0:13:50we'll be with you in a minute.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Leslie, your two o'clock's here, get your top off.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56(All right!)
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Russell Howard.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Over to Scotland, what was the big news of the week?
0:14:10 > 0:14:14The economy? Global warming? Nope, it was all about these guys.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15Two giant pandas.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16- Giant pandas.- Giant pandas.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- Giant pandas.- Giant pandas. - Giant pandas.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21..have arrived in Scotland from China.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Sunshine and Sweetie were unloaded from their private plane
0:14:23 > 0:14:26after a 5,000 mile journey.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Did you watch the news coverage? It was brilliantly shit.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31They were on air for hours!
0:14:31 > 0:14:34At times, it was almost like they'd run out of things to say.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36I heard a noise there,
0:14:36 > 0:14:39which perhaps suggested that something was going on.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46God bless BBC News - asking the questions on everyone's lips.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Is this the first-ever red carpet, Colin, for pandas?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Probably.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Do we know if they understand English?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- LAUGHTER - They're pandas.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Have they been played any bagpipe music?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00It's quite frightening, bagpipes,
0:15:00 > 0:15:03if you've come all the way from China and you're a panda.
0:15:05 > 0:15:10We were all thinking it(!) So why have the pandas come to Scotland?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13The hope is, they will breed and produce panda cubs.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17I'm not sure it's going to happen. This guy from ITN puts it best.
0:15:17 > 0:15:22The female panda can only conceive for three days a year,
0:15:22 > 0:15:23and the males...
0:15:23 > 0:15:25well, they're not very good at it.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28I love that - "They're not very good at it."
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Imagine the poor pandas - "Do you like that, Maureen?"
0:15:31 > 0:15:33"Not really, Derek, you've put it in my ear."
0:15:33 > 0:15:35LAUGHTER
0:15:37 > 0:15:39My favourite part of the report -
0:15:39 > 0:15:43listen carefully to who was in the Scottish welcoming committee.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Just to the left, there is the welcoming party.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50Scottish Secretary Michael Moore, the Chinese Charge d'Affaires,
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Edinburgh's Lord Provost,
0:15:52 > 0:15:55they've all been toasting the arrival with whisky,
0:15:55 > 0:15:59along with one six-year-old girl, actually.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04- SCOTTISH ACCENT:- "Oh, that was great! Let's do some Jagerbombs!"
0:16:05 > 0:16:08D'you know, it's going to cost Edinburgh Zoo
0:16:08 > 0:16:10a million pounds a year to look after them?
0:16:10 > 0:16:14I don't get it - if people want to see a fat animal that eats all day
0:16:14 > 0:16:15and never has sex,
0:16:15 > 0:16:17hang out with my brother.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19LAUGHTER
0:16:19 > 0:16:21APPLAUSE
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Check out the latest coffee taking the world by storm.
0:16:26 > 0:16:31It's earthy, it's robust, it has a strong aftertaste.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Mmm, sounds lovely. What's in it?
0:16:34 > 0:16:38Bob Hennagin was the first customer in line for a taste of Kopi Luwak,
0:16:38 > 0:16:41AKA cat poo coffee.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:16:43 > 0:16:45No, no, no, no, no, no.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47APPLAUSE
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Cat poo coffee...
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Who thought of...?
0:16:53 > 0:16:56I've never seen a cat take a shit and gone, "Num num num!"
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Working at that coffee shop would be a nightmare.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01"Reeow!" Splat!
0:17:01 > 0:17:02"Reeow!"
0:17:02 > 0:17:05"You want cream with that?! Oh, Christ!"
0:17:07 > 0:17:09HE SOBS
0:17:09 > 0:17:10"I hate my job!
0:17:10 > 0:17:12"It won't come out."
0:17:12 > 0:17:14"Say my name."
0:17:15 > 0:17:16"What is your name?"
0:17:16 > 0:17:20"It's Mr Tiddles." "All right. Mr Tiddles."
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Eww!
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Unbelievably, some people love it.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30Cat poop coffee, I mean...what could be better?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Fucking everything!
0:17:33 > 0:17:35It's made out of cat shit!
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Mind you, their paninis look quite nice.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Cat poo coffee!
0:17:42 > 0:17:45If it takes off over here, I can't wait to see the adverts.
0:17:45 > 0:17:50'Rich, aromatic and pure.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53'Our coffee is harvested at source, and then...'
0:17:53 > 0:17:55CONSTIPATED TONE
0:18:01 > 0:18:03APPLAUSE
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Next up, a story about a broken relationship.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Pretty funny. Funnier when you find out who did it.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17His dog!
0:18:17 > 0:18:20"Oh, I'm sorry, was that your arse?!
0:18:20 > 0:18:23"I guess I'm not thinking straight since we went to the vets
0:18:23 > 0:18:25"and they cut my fucking balls off!"
0:18:25 > 0:18:27LAUGHTER
0:18:29 > 0:18:31- SHOUTS:- "Where are my balls?"
0:18:33 > 0:18:36"Huuuuhh!"
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Maybe it wasn't that.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Maybe the dog lost it after he was forced to wear this.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Mind you, if you think being shot by your dog is thick,
0:18:48 > 0:18:50check out this master of disguise.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53A man tried to rob this liquor store.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55He covered his face in duct tape.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58He looks like a gimp from Poundland.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02What I love about this story -
0:19:02 > 0:19:05despite the fact he was caught with the tape on his face -
0:19:05 > 0:19:07he claimed it wasn't him.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09To add yet another twist to the story,
0:19:09 > 0:19:11the man authorities unmasked now insists
0:19:11 > 0:19:14he's not the duct tape bandit.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Look at me. Do I look like a duct tape bandit, baby?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Yes! They took it off your face!
0:19:20 > 0:19:24He's like a child. I'd love to have seen the moment they unravelled it.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28"You're under arrest." "No, I'm not."
0:19:28 > 0:19:30"You are." "I wasn't there."
0:19:30 > 0:19:33"You were there, cos I've just literally taken the tape off..."
0:19:33 > 0:19:34"No, you didn't." "I did.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37"I'm still holding the tape and it's attached to your face."
0:19:37 > 0:19:39"No, no, no."
0:19:40 > 0:19:41"Yes, stop saying that."
0:19:41 > 0:19:46"No, you couldn't, I wasn't there, I was in the moon eating a pizza!"
0:19:47 > 0:19:49He wasn't the dumbest criminal in the news.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51That prize belongs to these guys.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Two New Zealand prisoners, handcuffed together,
0:19:54 > 0:19:56tried to escape to freedom on Wednesday.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58The getaway failed
0:19:58 > 0:20:02when they tried to run through different sides of a power pole.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:08 > 0:20:10This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13There's a mystery guest who's been in the news
0:20:13 > 0:20:15and I have to figure out who that person is.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Please welcome my mystery guest!
0:20:17 > 0:20:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Hello.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- Hello, nice to meet you. What's your name?- Kath.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33- I'm guessing it has something to do with chess?- Yes, it does.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35There you go, OK.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39- Are you a chess player of some form? - You could say...slightly.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43- You're a slight chess player?- Mm. It's got something to do with it.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45You play chess outside?
0:20:45 > 0:20:48I wouldn't say I am outside at all.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50- But what's the foliage? - I've no idea.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- You've got no idea why there are trees here?- No!
0:20:52 > 0:20:53LAUGHTER
0:20:53 > 0:20:58Um...OK, are you one of the best chess players in the country?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00No.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- A straight answer, no.- Awkward!
0:21:04 > 0:21:08It's got something to do with chess, nothing to do with the outside.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- Any other hints? - I could give you another clue.- OK.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12BELL RINGS
0:21:13 > 0:21:15- That's a bell. Are you a bell-ringer?- No.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Thank God for that. They're always a bit creepy, aren't they?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- Bells and chess. - It could be to do with round one.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- Round one.- Think of it in that way.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25Are you a fighter?
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- Yes.- Why have we got this, then?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30You play chess and you fight?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- Yes.- Really?- Yes.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35What an interesting... Why have you been in the news?
0:21:35 > 0:21:39I was the world's first female chessboxing champion.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42The world's first female chessboxing champion.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:44 > 0:21:45OK.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51How does that combine itself?
0:21:51 > 0:21:52You have different rounds.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56The first round always starts off with chess, and it's speed chess.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- It doesn't take that long. - D'you keep your gloves on?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- No.- I was going to say! - LAUGHTER
0:22:03 > 0:22:05I love the combination, it's insane.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08It's like kickboxing and Ludo.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10It just seems like...such a weird...
0:22:10 > 0:22:12I don't think that would quite work.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15No, that would be madness(!)
0:22:15 > 0:22:19Boxing and chess - absolutely fine - but Ludo and kickboxing,
0:22:19 > 0:22:20well, I'd be a fucking idiot!
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Shall we have a little scrap?
0:22:24 > 0:22:26We could have one, I suppose.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29You're trying to make this sort of sexy, but...
0:22:29 > 0:22:31it won't be when you beat me up.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Don't worry, I'm not actually going to beat you up.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35- You're not going to beat me up?- No.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39- You're still going to make it sexy? - What are you doing with the chess piece?
0:22:39 > 0:22:40SHE LAUGHS
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Do you do that, to put your opponents off?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45- No.- You've never done that? - Never ever done that.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- Should we do some boxing? - Yeah, but before we move on,
0:22:48 > 0:22:52- I'm going to show you a quick VT of me in action.- Lovely.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54MUSIC: "Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor
0:22:59 > 0:23:01# It's the eye of the tiger
0:23:01 > 0:23:03# It's the thrill of the fight
0:23:03 > 0:23:07# And he's watching us all with the eye... #
0:23:07 > 0:23:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:10 > 0:23:11So, here we are.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14So...
0:23:14 > 0:23:19- Today, we're going to test your strength.- On this bad boy?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21- On this bad boy here.- Right.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23I should pretend I'm at a fair?
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- It's not a fairground. - Feels a bit like a fairground.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29"I'll hit that, then get wanked off on the waltzers."
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Is that what happens, normally?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34D'you know, when I was 13 that did happen, yeah.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38I was like, "Oh, Jesus Christ!"
0:23:39 > 0:23:41D'you know what makes it really interesting?
0:23:41 > 0:23:44My dad was killed by a man with a red-and-black head,
0:23:44 > 0:23:48so this is going to be... really easy!
0:23:50 > 0:23:53- That was good. - "I've never seen numbers that high!"
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Have another go, see if you can get this properly.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Now you're going to properly hit it, aren't you?
0:23:59 > 0:24:00I'm not really. Don't worry about it.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Go on, absolutely smash it!
0:24:03 > 0:24:07- That was nice. That's good. - It's not always about whacking it.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- It is, though, innit? - You could miss, then, couldn't you?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12It feels good when you really get it!
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Try and think about the technique of it.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19LAUGHTER
0:24:19 > 0:24:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:29 > 0:24:32- Have you broken your other hand now? - Yeah.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34It's good pain, though, innit?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37I enjoyed that, what a wonderful mystery guest.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41Please give it up for the boxing and chess champion of the world!
0:24:41 > 0:24:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:47 > 0:24:50If you fly Ryanair, it's about to get a whole lot steamier.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56That is going to change the announcements!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58"We apologise for the turbulence.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01"The pilot is cracking one off."
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Knowing Ryanair, it won't be sexy.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08- GRUFF VOICE:- "Hello! And welcome to Debbie Does Grimsby!
0:25:09 > 0:25:12"You can enter me here, here or here!"
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Mind you, if you think porn is a bit much,
0:25:17 > 0:25:20look what the boss has planned for business class.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Because it will be in Economy, ten euros,
0:25:22 > 0:25:25but a fantastic upmarket service in business class,
0:25:25 > 0:25:27which would consist of beds and blow jobs.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Beds and blow jobs!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Who are they going to get to do the adverts?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Blow me!
0:25:36 > 0:25:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Now, from planes to cars. This next story is insane.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48Saudi Arabia is the only country where women aren't allowed to drive.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Look why the government want to keep it this way.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59If that were true, Top Gear would be hilarious.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03Jeremy Clarkson crying as he tea-bags James May!
0:26:03 > 0:26:06"I can't stop!
0:26:06 > 0:26:08"I saw a woman reversing!
0:26:08 > 0:26:11"Oh, Christ, she's parking. Hammond, lick my balls!
0:26:13 > 0:26:15"Lick my balls!"
0:26:15 > 0:26:17We'd all watch it then!
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Now, over in America,
0:26:18 > 0:26:22a woman is in trouble after burying a dog with an unusual name.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25She decided it was time to put a memorial stone on the dog's grave,
0:26:25 > 0:26:29and that has stirred up a lot of controversy
0:26:29 > 0:26:32because the dog had a name that some say is not appropriate
0:26:32 > 0:26:34for display on a tombstone.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Why? What was the dog called?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41The dog was called Shithead!
0:26:41 > 0:26:45Look how the owner justifies her dog's filthy name.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49No different than somebody named Dick...or Peter.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Slightly different.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54"Here, Peter." "Shithead!!"
0:26:54 > 0:26:58I tell you, it's the only way you could have made this funnier.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02Shithead! Shithead!
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Shithead! Oh, Jesus Christ!
0:27:06 > 0:27:10Shithead! Oh, Jesus Christ!
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Shithead!
0:27:18 > 0:27:22This is ace. It's an inspirational story about Patrice Millet
0:27:22 > 0:27:25and the amazing work he does helping Haitian kids through football.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54My name is Patrice Millet
0:27:54 > 0:27:58and I do education through soccer with Haitian kids.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
0:28:13 > 0:28:14Yes!
0:28:45 > 0:28:47What a cool bloke.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for my stand-up guest.
0:28:53 > 0:28:57So, please welcome the fantastic Celia Pacquola!
0:28:57 > 0:28:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Wow!
0:29:03 > 0:29:05Hello! How are you? Are you good?
0:29:05 > 0:29:08Hello! Are we good? Yes? Gosh, this is nice, isn't it? Wow!
0:29:08 > 0:29:11I am from Australia but I live here now, and the thing is,
0:29:11 > 0:29:14I almost feel like I'm becoming a real kind of British person.
0:29:14 > 0:29:18Like, I own my own pair of Wellingtons. Yes!
0:29:18 > 0:29:22And I laughed at someone who ran for the bus and missed it, so...
0:29:22 > 0:29:25welcome me as one of your own.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28I'm pretty sure that's on your citizenship test, isn't it?
0:29:28 > 0:29:31Sorry, you DIDN'T want the door to slam in her face?
0:29:31 > 0:29:34I don't think you're going to fit in here, to be fair.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37It's funny when that kind of stuff happens to someone else.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40It's a bit funny when something a bit bad happens to someone else.
0:29:40 > 0:29:44It's OK that it's funny. They'd laugh at you. They'd totally laugh at you.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48I've seen some cool stuff since I've been here, but the best thing I've seen,
0:29:48 > 0:29:52and this is when we find out whether you're my kind of people or not, but I saw...
0:29:54 > 0:29:55..a man...
0:29:55 > 0:29:59in a crowd... put his coat on too fast
0:29:59 > 0:30:01and accidentally punch a stranger in the face.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03Ahhh!
0:30:03 > 0:30:07Who wants to touch me? Oh, my God!
0:30:07 > 0:30:09What did I do? I don't know.
0:30:09 > 0:30:12And you know how guys have those big, heavy winter coats as well
0:30:12 > 0:30:15and give it a bit of, rooargh!
0:30:15 > 0:30:18He just clocked this dude! And I don't know what happened.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20He must have not known he'd done it.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23He must have thought he'd just bumped his hand on something
0:30:23 > 0:30:25because he went, rooargh, and just walked off.
0:30:25 > 0:30:31THIS guy got punched in the face out of thin air, right?
0:30:31 > 0:30:35It was amazing - he was just walking along, bff, got punched,
0:30:35 > 0:30:37spun around to start a fight.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41There was no-one there.
0:30:42 > 0:30:46He just walked it off. It was amazing. He just went, rooargh...
0:30:47 > 0:30:49The thing is,
0:30:49 > 0:30:52because I'm not from here, I do feel slightly, um...
0:30:52 > 0:30:54culturally obligated to be a little bit educational,
0:30:54 > 0:30:58a little bit informative and maybe tell you something important
0:30:58 > 0:31:01that you might not know about my country, so, um...
0:31:03 > 0:31:06.."wristy" is Australian for a hand job.
0:31:12 > 0:31:14You're welcome.
0:31:14 > 0:31:18It's an excellent word and I couldn't believe you didn't have it here.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20It should belong to the world.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23I've never had a mission in life before and now I do - it's this.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26I tell everyone. I seriously do it at every single gig I do.
0:31:26 > 0:31:31Even if I'm just buying a coffee, I'm like, "Two quid? Thanks, wristy's a hand job, see you later."
0:31:31 > 0:31:35I tell everyone, and the best response I've ever got from it was at a gig once
0:31:35 > 0:31:37and there was an English guy in the crowd,
0:31:37 > 0:31:40and what was so beautiful about this is he didn't mean to say it.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42This just escaped out his mouth.
0:31:42 > 0:31:46I said, "'Wristy' is Australian for a hand job."
0:31:46 > 0:31:49And at the back of the room, I just heard this little, quiet voice go...
0:31:49 > 0:31:51"Of course!"
0:31:54 > 0:31:56How did we not see it before?!
0:31:56 > 0:31:59It was there the whole time!
0:31:59 > 0:32:02I really think it's a wonderful word. It's kind of playful and fun.
0:32:02 > 0:32:05It's like, wristy! Hey! Wristy! You know.
0:32:05 > 0:32:10It's kind of like a friend you haven't seen in a while, you know?
0:32:10 > 0:32:12Oh, Wristy! What are you doing here?
0:32:13 > 0:32:15Pleasuring me? OK!
0:32:15 > 0:32:17You're the best!
0:32:17 > 0:32:20Like, "Hand job", is very serious, isn't it?
0:32:20 > 0:32:22You know, "Hand job!"
0:32:22 > 0:32:25It's an occupation, really. A hand job!
0:32:25 > 0:32:26I don't know how that happened.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29I don't know if one day someone looked at a flaccid penis
0:32:29 > 0:32:31and went, "This is a job...
0:32:34 > 0:32:36"..for hands!"
0:32:37 > 0:32:40I don't want to take credit for "wristy". I didn't make it up.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43I've never heard it anywhere other than Australia.
0:32:43 > 0:32:44But it is give and take,
0:32:44 > 0:32:48because I'm happy to share wristies with all of you, and yes, I know what I said.
0:32:48 > 0:32:51But since I've been living in your lovely nation,
0:32:51 > 0:32:55you excellent people have taught me the word "bellend".
0:32:55 > 0:32:57So, I can't thank you enough.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00APPLAUSE Yep, you deserve it.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02You deserve it.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04And I'm trying to fit in,
0:33:04 > 0:33:06but you people don't make it easy for us sometimes.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09The biggest cultural shock I've had since being here,
0:33:09 > 0:33:11which to all of you is perfectly normal
0:33:11 > 0:33:16and you have no idea how messed up this sounds to someone who's not from here, OK?
0:33:16 > 0:33:18I was having a cup of tea with an English friend of mine
0:33:18 > 0:33:21and she said to me, "Do you want a Penguin?"
0:33:29 > 0:33:32It's... You know...
0:33:32 > 0:33:34And I was like, "Er...
0:33:37 > 0:33:39"Well, yeah!
0:33:41 > 0:33:46"Who doesn't? They're adorable! Where did you get it?
0:33:46 > 0:33:50"Do the zoos sell them now? I mean, I don't know how to take care of it.
0:33:50 > 0:33:54"I mean, it's a bird, but does it go in a cage or, like, in the bathtub?
0:33:54 > 0:33:57"And they look like you need to oil them. Do you oil them?
0:33:57 > 0:33:59"They seem kind of oily.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02"Mind you, I could, like, put a little bow tie on him
0:34:02 > 0:34:05"and make some pretty sweet YouTube videos.
0:34:05 > 0:34:08"Yeah, stuff it, I WILL have a penguin, yeah, go on, I will."
0:34:08 > 0:34:14And she said, "No, you idiot! A Penguin's a biscuit!"
0:34:14 > 0:34:17And I was like, "Oh! How stupid of me...
0:34:19 > 0:34:23"..to confuse something with what it is(!)
0:34:23 > 0:34:25"I'm doing that all the time.
0:34:25 > 0:34:27"When you said, 'Penguin',
0:34:27 > 0:34:31"I should have known that you meant, 'biscuit',
0:34:31 > 0:34:33"and not, you know, a penguin."
0:34:33 > 0:34:35And she goes, "Let's not fight any more.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38I'm like, "Yeah. Would you like some cake?" And she said, "Yes."
0:34:38 > 0:34:41And then I threw a spider in her face.
0:34:41 > 0:34:42And she's like,
0:34:42 > 0:34:45"Jesus! What did you throw a spider at me for?!"
0:34:45 > 0:34:47And I was like, "Oh!
0:34:47 > 0:34:50"You idiot! In Australia, 'cake', is a spider.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53"I just assumed you'd know that."
0:34:53 > 0:34:56"It bit me." I'm like, "They're poisonous. Do you want the antidote?"
0:34:56 > 0:34:59"Give me the antidote!" "Sure?" She's like, "Yes!"
0:34:59 > 0:35:01And I shot her in the kneecap.
0:35:01 > 0:35:03She was like, "What did you shoot me for?!"
0:35:03 > 0:35:07And I was like, "Oh!
0:35:07 > 0:35:08"I don't like you."
0:35:11 > 0:35:13And you know,
0:35:13 > 0:35:15then I got out of there,
0:35:15 > 0:35:18because that cup of tea escalated
0:35:18 > 0:35:21very quickly into murder!
0:35:23 > 0:35:25I'm quite scared of getting murdered.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28What, really? Dur! I'm scared of getting mugged as well.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31Not so much scared as that it would be annoying.
0:35:31 > 0:35:35I like my stuff and I want to keep it, right? So, I hatched a plan...
0:35:35 > 0:35:37Yeah!
0:35:37 > 0:35:40In my bag, I have two wallets.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43I have a real wallet - real money, real cards.
0:35:43 > 0:35:46And I have a fake wallet - fake money, fake cards.
0:35:46 > 0:35:48A decoy wallet, if you will.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50So, mugger's going to get fake wallet.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53When they open it, there's going to be a note.
0:35:53 > 0:35:57You know how you can get those birthday cards where you can record a voice message?
0:35:58 > 0:36:02So, when mugger opens fake wallet, they're going to hear my voice going,
0:36:02 > 0:36:03"Ha-ha-ha!
0:36:03 > 0:36:05"Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:36:05 > 0:36:07"You bellend!"
0:36:07 > 0:36:08APPLAUSE
0:36:08 > 0:36:10Yeah!
0:36:15 > 0:36:18I do go back every now and then, back to Australia.
0:36:18 > 0:36:21My favourite thing about going back, which doesn't happen every time
0:36:21 > 0:36:23but it happened the last time,
0:36:23 > 0:36:25which was after 25 hours in the sky, right,
0:36:25 > 0:36:27I landed in Melbourne airport
0:36:27 > 0:36:30and I went up to the Customs man with my form and I gave him my form
0:36:30 > 0:36:33and he looked at the form and he looked at me, and he said...
0:36:33 > 0:36:35"Welcome home."
0:36:38 > 0:36:41Now, I don't know if they pay them to say that, but jeez,
0:36:41 > 0:36:45I was this close to climbing over the counter, jumping into his arms
0:36:45 > 0:36:47and giving him a wristy, I swear!
0:36:49 > 0:36:53It feels a bit weird when I talk about sort of sexual stuff
0:36:53 > 0:36:56cos it doesn't suit me, I'm not a sexual person.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59You know some people are sort of, "Ooh, yeah, I'm a sexual per...
0:36:59 > 0:37:02"I'm just so sexual person, you know?
0:37:02 > 0:37:05"Hey, you know, like, sexuality is fluid and, you know,
0:37:05 > 0:37:08"I'm a puddle, so..."
0:37:08 > 0:37:10I just think all the sex stuff is so funny, right?
0:37:10 > 0:37:12I find it funny rather than sexy.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15I saw on the front cover of a women's magazine,
0:37:15 > 0:37:17one of their top stories was,
0:37:17 > 0:37:22"What he really thinks of your orgasm noise".
0:37:23 > 0:37:25What he really thinks of your...
0:37:25 > 0:37:29Which suggests there was something we thought he thought about it.
0:37:29 > 0:37:31That's not what he really thinks.
0:37:31 > 0:37:35He thinks something else and he's keeping it from us - what he really thinks of your...
0:37:35 > 0:37:38I'm like, I don't think they give a shit. I don't think you care.
0:37:38 > 0:37:44I don't think guys give a shit in the world what your orgasm noise is,
0:37:44 > 0:37:45ever!
0:37:45 > 0:37:48Unless it's, like, "Police!"
0:37:48 > 0:37:51That's it!
0:37:51 > 0:37:54And I don't think anyone does that. I think all the noises are pretty similar.
0:37:54 > 0:37:57It would be heaps more exciting if they weren't.
0:37:57 > 0:38:01Even if there was just one woman who had some really weird,
0:38:01 > 0:38:04freaky noise just to scare the shit out of some dude.
0:38:04 > 0:38:06Just, like, "Mmmwaow", or something like that.
0:38:06 > 0:38:08And you wouldn't know which one she was.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10Normal, normal, normal, then you go home...
0:38:10 > 0:38:13"Mmmwaow". "Are you OK?" "It's really good. Mmmwaow."
0:38:13 > 0:38:15Do you know what I hate?
0:38:15 > 0:38:18You know when you're dating someone, just sort of dating,
0:38:18 > 0:38:22and one of you jumps the gun and describes you as a couple?
0:38:22 > 0:38:26"Too soon! Oh, no! Too soon! Are we not? I thought we were.
0:38:26 > 0:38:28"No, we're not? OK."
0:38:28 > 0:38:30It's usually me that does it,
0:38:30 > 0:38:34and you have to have that awkward conversation where you're like,
0:38:34 > 0:38:37"So...are you my boyfriend?"
0:38:37 > 0:38:40And it's just so heartbreaking when they go...
0:38:40 > 0:38:43"No-o-o-o-o.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53"I'm the postman."
0:38:55 > 0:38:58Like, "Yeah, well, stop coming to my house, like, every day
0:38:58 > 0:39:01"and bringing me stuff, you tease!"
0:39:04 > 0:39:06- Any of you love sleep in the room? AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:39:06 > 0:39:11- Whose top three favourite things are sleeping, eating and sexy things? AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:39:11 > 0:39:13It's the big three.
0:39:13 > 0:39:16It's mine - it's a lot of people's top three.
0:39:16 > 0:39:20Which is why I'm going to open a restaurant-brothel-hotel.
0:39:20 > 0:39:23Ha! It's a good idea, isn't it? Maybe they have them already.
0:39:23 > 0:39:26I don't know. I haven't been to a brothel...in ages.
0:39:26 > 0:39:28What? No, I haven't been!
0:39:28 > 0:39:30I love everything to do with sleep.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33You know when you're just about to fall asleep,
0:39:33 > 0:39:36like, JUST about to clonk off, like, that part, right,
0:39:36 > 0:39:41and part of your body feels like it's not getting enough attention, OK?
0:39:41 > 0:39:43Not like that! And it'll just be, like...
0:39:43 > 0:39:45Huh! Woah!
0:39:46 > 0:39:48You know? When your leg kicks out and you...
0:39:48 > 0:39:52Do I need to see a doctor? Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah!
0:39:52 > 0:39:54You didn't have anything to do with it.
0:39:54 > 0:39:55Just, ha!
0:39:55 > 0:39:58I love that. I LOVE it so much.
0:39:58 > 0:40:02I like to think that it's leg going...
0:40:06 > 0:40:08.."Excellent!
0:40:10 > 0:40:11"Everyone's asleep.
0:40:16 > 0:40:18"Now's leg's time to shine."
0:40:19 > 0:40:24And when I was about 19, OK, I had a boyfriend,
0:40:24 > 0:40:26and this is completely true.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29If there was something I was too nervous to talk to him about,
0:40:29 > 0:40:31I would bring it up with him
0:40:31 > 0:40:35by pretending to talk about it in my sleep.
0:40:37 > 0:40:40Now...some of you are thinking,
0:40:40 > 0:40:43"That is the most manipulative bloody thing I have ever..."
0:40:43 > 0:40:46And some of you are thinking, "That's brilliant!"
0:40:46 > 0:40:47- WOMAN:- Whoo!
0:40:47 > 0:40:50Genius! This is how it went down, right.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52We'd go to bed, good night, kiss, roll over.
0:40:52 > 0:40:56You'd have to throw in a bit of gibberish at the start to make it believable.
0:40:56 > 0:40:58Give it a bit of, "Ohh, ohh.
0:40:58 > 0:41:00"Abraham Lincoln!
0:41:00 > 0:41:01"Ohh.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03"Mm, monkeys!"
0:41:04 > 0:41:06Then we'd get to the beef of the situation,
0:41:06 > 0:41:09which was usually something along the lines of,
0:41:09 > 0:41:11"No. No.
0:41:11 > 0:41:14"I don't want to go to the reunion."
0:41:16 > 0:41:20And the next day, I'd be like, "I slept weird! I slept really weird.
0:41:20 > 0:41:22"Did I talk in my sleep?"
0:41:22 > 0:41:25He's like, "Yeah! "You said you didn't want to go to the reunion."
0:41:25 > 0:41:27I'm like, "Did I? That's weird.
0:41:27 > 0:41:30"Cos I totally want to go to your reunion with you.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32"I want to drive you into the middle of nowhere
0:41:32 > 0:41:35"and watch you get drunk with your mates who I don't like.
0:41:35 > 0:41:37"I was looking forward to that.
0:41:37 > 0:41:39"Did I say I didn't want to?
0:41:39 > 0:41:42"Maybe subconsciously, it's not a good idea."
0:41:42 > 0:41:46And this went on for while, until one night we went to bed, good night, kiss, roll over.
0:41:46 > 0:41:49From his side of the bed I hear a bit of,
0:41:49 > 0:41:50"Ohh.
0:41:50 > 0:41:51"Wheelbarrow. Flowerpot."
0:41:51 > 0:41:56He figured it out and rather than confront me about it,
0:41:56 > 0:41:58he was giving it a go!
0:41:58 > 0:42:03What a legend! What an absolute champion! I was so impressed.
0:42:03 > 0:42:04APPLAUSE I know!
0:42:04 > 0:42:05Mate...
0:42:07 > 0:42:12I would have high-fived him if he wasn't pretending to be asleep. I was thrilled, OK?
0:42:12 > 0:42:16This is what he gave it. He gave it a bit of, "No! Rarr!
0:42:16 > 0:42:20"I don't want to go to your mum's birthday dinner."
0:42:22 > 0:42:28And then the next day, he's like, "I slept weird! I slept really weird.
0:42:28 > 0:42:29"Did I talk in my sleep?
0:42:29 > 0:42:31And I was like, "No."
0:42:35 > 0:42:37"Didn't hear a peep out of you.
0:42:37 > 0:42:39"Out like a light, you were.
0:42:39 > 0:42:41"So, Mum's picking us up at six."
0:42:41 > 0:42:44I've been Celia Pacquola.
0:42:44 > 0:42:46Thank you so much, you've been lovely.
0:42:46 > 0:42:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:48 > 0:42:52Please give it up for Celia Pacquola!
0:42:54 > 0:42:58Fantastic! I hope you enjoyed Good News. Good night.
0:42:58 > 0:43:00CHEERING
0:43:20 > 0:43:23Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:43:23 > 0:43:25E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk