0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:26 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Hello, welcome to Good News.
0:00:30 > 0:00:34We've covered some big news stories since we started the show. Here are some of my favourites.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36What have we learned this week?
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Adam Boulton HATES his cameraman.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41See that man there? He's a real A-hole.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42LAUGHTER
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Nick Owen was gutted when his Viagra didn't arrive.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47- Mmm.- Not a good night, was it?
0:00:47 > 0:00:49No, very frustrating.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50LAUGHTER
0:00:50 > 0:00:54Did anybody else hear that bloke get his cock out mid-interview?
0:00:54 > 0:00:55We're not Royalists.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58ZIP NOISE Simple.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02This is one of my favourite clips of all time.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Check out the advice
0:01:04 > 0:01:08an old lady gave Ed Miliband on how to deal with the Tories.
0:01:08 > 0:01:13I know. I know, we've got to do something about them, haven't we?
0:01:16 > 0:01:17I don't think that's a good idea,
0:01:17 > 0:01:19But we need to get them out, you're right.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22We definitely need to get them out. Take care.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27And finally, it may just be me, but I think this bloke's in love.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29I don't think so, actually, it's just...
0:01:29 > 0:01:33# Never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight... #
0:01:33 > 0:01:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:43 > 0:01:47So, the major story in the news was, of course, the local elections.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Millions of voters have been casting their ballots.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Labour trounced the Conservatives in the local elections.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55David Cameron apologised to Tory candidates who'd lost their seats.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Sorry.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Mind you, if you think the Tories had a bad night,
0:02:00 > 0:02:03look what happened to the Lib Dems.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05In one council ward in Edinburgh,
0:02:05 > 0:02:09their candidate was even beaten by a man dressed as a penguin.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Beaten by a man dressed as a penguin.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Good night? "No...
0:02:16 > 0:02:19"I lost to Pingu."
0:02:20 > 0:02:23The big story was definitely the battle to become London Mayor.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26In the last couple of weeks, the candidates have lost it.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Ken Livingstone told us he only likes dead people.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Favourite Londoner?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Favourite Londoner? No-one who's currently alive.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Jenny Jones came across as a bit of a goer.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42- Favourite place in London?- My bedroom.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48And Brian Paddick revealed what he shouts at the point of orgasm.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Ooh, Sherlock Holmes.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:57 > 0:03:00To be honest, there was only ever going to be one winner.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04'Boris Johnson is re-elected Mayor of London.'
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Are you ready?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07No, is the answer.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10'I haven't got a bloody clue.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12'Didn't even know I was Mayor.'
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Did you see why Boris's dad reckons he won?
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Why is it that Boris is possibly the most popular Tory in London?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23It is probably to do with his hair, you know?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Hair counts for a lot nowadays. I've still got a bit of hair,
0:03:26 > 0:03:27but he has more hair.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31"Nothing to do with his policies, it's his hair.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32"Have you seen it?
0:03:32 > 0:03:37"You could fit a family of barn owls in that magnificent thatch.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41"Sometimes I look at my son and think... Ooh!
0:03:41 > 0:03:42"Sherlock Holmes."
0:03:42 > 0:03:44LAUGHTER
0:03:44 > 0:03:47He wasn't the only one impressed with Boris.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Boris Johnson is a very charismatic guy.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51He's a potential leader of the Conservative Party,
0:03:51 > 0:03:52he's very attractive.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Attractive?! No, he's not, he looks like a llama.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58LAUGHTER
0:04:04 > 0:04:06What an incredible week of news.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08First up, you couldn't have missed this.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge show their love to each other
0:04:12 > 0:04:15and the world. Married in Westminster Abbey with friends,
0:04:15 > 0:04:18family and dignitaries from across the globe.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20It was a wonderful day.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24Two people in love, the sun was shining, we got a day off.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27As ever, the British public were very reserved.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Oh, look at William looking at her.
0:04:30 > 0:04:36It's magical, it is absolutely magical. Magical!
0:04:36 > 0:04:39I am speechless. Speechless.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41THEY CHEER LOUDLY
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Kate, William!
0:04:46 > 0:04:51I love that. One minute she's speechless, next minute, "Aaaagh!"
0:04:51 > 0:04:55It wasn't just the public. Even the police got into the party spirit.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58CROWD CHEERS
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Mind you, it wasn't hard to get them going.
0:05:08 > 0:05:13The crowd cheered anything, from the weather to a road sweeper.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16There's a 10% chance of a shower during the service itself.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17CROWD CHEERS
0:05:17 > 0:05:19CROWD CHEERS
0:05:21 > 0:05:22CROWD CHEERS
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Hurrah!
0:05:26 > 0:05:29It's like a car and a Hoover.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34For many people... "It is, actually."
0:05:35 > 0:05:39For many people, the iconic image of the wedding was this.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Lots of shouts from the crowd here.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44And that's the reward.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48Come on! The iconic wedding image was this little girl.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51LAUGHTER
0:05:53 > 0:05:55"Can't believe I put glue on my hands."
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Did you watch the service?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01When the priest asked if anyone objected to the wedding,
0:06:01 > 0:06:05did anyone else go, "Yeah, he's really punching above his weight"?
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Just before the ceremony, Harry took Wills off for a private word.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13I bet you he said, "Listen, Wills, I know it's your big day
0:06:13 > 0:06:18"but I'm definitely going to have a pop at Kate's sister."
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Who could blame him? She is extraordinary.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24MUSIC: "Foxy Lady" by Jimi Hendrix
0:06:31 > 0:06:34# Foxy lady... #
0:06:34 > 0:06:39I think I speak for the nation when I say, she is a BMILF...
0:06:40 > 0:06:42..a bridesmaid I'd love to Facebook!
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Talking of Facebook, within minutes of the service,
0:06:48 > 0:06:50this page was created.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54The Pippa Middleton Ass Appreciation Society.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57I wonder who set that up?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Back to the wedding.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Did anyone else notice the Queen didn't join in
0:07:07 > 0:07:08when they sang the National Anthem?
0:07:08 > 0:07:11I reckon it's cos she's so bored of it.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13She's probably going,
0:07:13 > 0:07:16"Oh, if I had a pound for every time they played that song...
0:07:16 > 0:07:18"Oh, I do!
0:07:20 > 0:07:21"Nice one!"
0:07:21 > 0:07:24I bet she makes up lyrics in her head.
0:07:24 > 0:07:29# I'm missing Bargain Hunt
0:07:29 > 0:07:34# What shall I have for lunch?
0:07:34 > 0:07:38# Maybe some chips Do-do-do-do...
0:07:38 > 0:07:42# Who would I rather be?
0:07:42 > 0:07:46# Spongebob or Mr T?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49# I want a butler space monkey
0:07:49 > 0:07:57# Cos I'm the Queen. #
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Now...
0:08:03 > 0:08:07I couldn't take my eyes off the Queen. Did you see what she wore?
0:08:08 > 0:08:11I was looking at her, going, "Where have I seen that before?"
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Then it hit me.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14LAUGHTER
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- REGAL VOICE:- "Smokin'!"
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Everywhere you looked, people were wearing medals.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26David Beckham was there, looking great, wearing his OBE.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28..His medal that he's got, but apparently,
0:08:28 > 0:08:32we're being reliably informed that he is wearing it on the wrong side.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33LAUGHTER
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Imagine someone telling him, "Dave, it's on the wrong side."
0:08:36 > 0:08:38"Oh, right!"
0:08:40 > 0:08:41LAUGHTER
0:08:41 > 0:08:45"Victoria, look, it's that bloke from The Mask."
0:08:45 > 0:08:46LAUGHTER
0:08:51 > 0:08:53"S...
0:08:53 > 0:08:55"Smoking!"
0:08:57 > 0:09:00The wedding was the biggest televisual event of all time.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Did you see how many people watched it?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05It's thought up to two billion people around the world
0:09:05 > 0:09:07watched them today exchange their vows.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Most of you probably watched it on the Beeb, which is a shame
0:09:10 > 0:09:14cos you missed out on the in-depth knowledge of Euronews.
0:09:14 > 0:09:19Listen to how they described the fly-past over Buckingham Palace.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21All I can tell you is that that's a big plane,
0:09:21 > 0:09:24and it's got two little planes either side of it.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26LAUGHTER
0:09:26 > 0:09:28That is genius.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32It's great, innit?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Mind you, that was nothing
0:09:34 > 0:09:38compared to the moment Chris Hollins was accidentally racist.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Have we had a super day today?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- I've had a great day, thank you!- Fantastic!
0:09:44 > 0:09:45Are you going home?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49APPLAUSE
0:09:52 > 0:09:55The Chilean miners are free.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56CHEERING
0:09:56 > 0:10:02MUSIC: "The Boys Are Back In Town" by Thin Lizzy
0:10:07 > 0:10:10It's so lovely. It's a genuinely wonderful story.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13My favourite miner, without doubt, was Super Mario.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15- C-H-I!- Chi!- L-E!- Le!
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- Chi chi chi!- Le le le!
0:10:17 > 0:10:21He's incredible. Did you see what he said at the press conference?
0:10:26 > 0:10:30APPLAUSE
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Isn't that amazing?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36"Hey, Mario, do you want to talk about your ordeal?"
0:10:36 > 0:10:41"No, I want to bang my wife until she cannot walk!
0:10:41 > 0:10:44"This is one Mario who doesn't need mushrooms to get big!
0:10:44 > 0:10:47"Eh-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!"
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Now they're free, their lives have changed forever.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52But with such extraordinary drama,
0:10:52 > 0:10:55it is little wonder that Hollywood can see the potential.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Already, a film is being talked about as a certainty.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00I've actually seen a sneak preview.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03MUSIC: Theme from Brokeback Mountain
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- Hey, Miguel.- Si?
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I wish I knew how to quit you!
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Have you seen how the Government are trying to help parents?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34David Cameron told parents this morning
0:11:34 > 0:11:36he wants to make life easier for them.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39From today, parents-to-be and new parents
0:11:39 > 0:11:41will be able to sign up to a service
0:11:41 > 0:11:46to get regular e-mails and texts about looking after their baby.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Yep, that's exactly what you need -
0:11:48 > 0:11:52text messages from David Cameron telling you how to raise your kids.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Imagine the useful advice a Tory millionaire will give you.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Thanks, Dave(!)
0:12:04 > 0:12:07It isn't just messages, look what else they're offering.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Support via text and e-mail is also being offered,
0:12:09 > 0:12:12alongside vouchers for parenting classes.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Parenting classes? To be honest, some people need them.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18This is not how you put your kid to sleep.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30LAUGHTER
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Can you imagine how patronising the classes will be?
0:12:34 > 0:12:36"Morning, everyone.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40"This is a nice cake for a baby."
0:12:42 > 0:12:45"This is a bad cake."
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Let's face it, you can teach a parent all you want -
0:12:53 > 0:12:56ultimately, kids make their own decisions.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Repeat after me. Dad.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01- Dad.- Da.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03- Dad.- Da...
0:13:03 > 0:13:05- Dad.- Dad...
0:13:05 > 0:13:06- Dad.- Dad!
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- Who's your favourite?- Mum!
0:13:14 > 0:13:18In Britain, the National Trust has come up with a list of 50 things
0:13:18 > 0:13:20kids need to do before they're 12.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Climbing a tree, camping in the wild and abseiling - some of the 50 things
0:13:24 > 0:13:27children should do before they're 11-and-three-quarters,
0:13:27 > 0:13:29according to the National Trust.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Have you seen the list? Now, some of them sound fun.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Some of them are insane.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45LAUGHTER
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Sod that!
0:13:46 > 0:13:49"Awoo! MUM!
0:13:49 > 0:13:52"There's an owl on my head!"
0:13:52 > 0:13:56Nobody has ever called an owl. I asked my cousin, he's seven.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58He gave possibly the cutest answer ever.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00"Have you ever called an owl?"
0:14:00 > 0:14:02"No.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04"I didn't know they had phones!"
0:14:12 > 0:14:15My problem with the list - it's all a bit too nice.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17"Ooh, let's build a den. Let's tickle a ferret."
0:14:17 > 0:14:22The number one thing to do before you're 12 - play a prank on a mate!
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Aaah!
0:14:33 > 0:14:36This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38There'll be a mystery guest who's been in the news
0:14:38 > 0:14:41and I have to figure out who it is. So please welcome my mystery guest!
0:14:41 > 0:14:43APPLAUSE
0:14:43 > 0:14:48MUSIC: "Mr Blue Sky" by ELO
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Hello, mate.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- Hello.- How you doing?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I've never met anyone like this.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- Well...- Can I come up and meet you? That'd be fun.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- I'm cleaning the windows.- OK.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Hey, Russell, how are you?
0:15:10 > 0:15:15- I'm very well. All the better for meeting you.- Yeah, take a seat.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I've never seen anyone as cool as you in my life.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21It seems to be an old-fashioned place you work. Is that correct?
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Yes, it's perceived to be.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Right. Erm...chalk, want to give me any other clues?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Other than, it feels like I'm going to get caned any second?
0:15:30 > 0:15:33No. Well, um...
0:15:34 > 0:15:37- Are those Sugar Puffs? - Yeah, that's a little clue for you.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41- I was the original Honey Monster. - You were the original Honey Monster?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43CHEERING
0:15:43 > 0:15:46"Tell 'em about the honey, Mummy!"
0:15:46 > 0:15:50- I thought that was Pat Butcher.- No.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Why have you been in the news?
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Can you stop sitting like that? I can't stop looking at your nuts!
0:15:55 > 0:15:58I am Britain's youngest etiquette expert.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- Shall we fist bump?- Well, no.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04- You're going to be involved with me in a fight scene.- You're a stuntman?
0:16:04 > 0:16:09- Yes.- Yes. You're the most stunts ever...- No.- You've not done...?
0:16:09 > 0:16:10Just fucking tell me.
0:16:12 > 0:16:18- What is it? Go on.- I am from the country of cheese.- Of what?- Cheese.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19- Cheese?- The blue...
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Come on! Cheese!
0:16:27 > 0:16:31- Cheese. Cheese.- Yeah.- Yeah, yeah, yeah.- Yeah.- That was a kind of...
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- Cheese. So it's France, you're from France.- Yeah, I'm from France.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36So what brings you to England?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38You didn't see anything on the news?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- I didn't see... D'you know, I didn't.- Fuck.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Now, wave to the audience, show me how you do it.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Now, that's fine, and the audience are waving back.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55Now, that was a little bit too ferocious. As a member of...
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- As a member of the Royal... - Has anyone ever complained of that?
0:16:58 > 0:17:00"I've been waved at ferociously!"
0:17:00 > 0:17:01That's wanking!
0:17:04 > 0:17:06That's a ferocious wave!
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- You'd be surprised. - What's the etiquette for that?
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- Remember...- Palm, eyes.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Yeah, get warmed up.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22LAUGHTER
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- I did climb something in Paris. - You climbed something?
0:17:29 > 0:17:34- I did climb GDF in Paris.- Is that why you're famous? Climbing things?
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Well, I won't say that I'm famous, but I am a kind of superstar.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43My finger!
0:17:46 > 0:17:49We might have the wedding of Princess Beatrice and Russell Howard.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51I've met her. My brother genuinely offered her Vaseline.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57No, no, no, no. No. He did it... He did it, he did it the correct way.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Open, twist, move.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02It was before the London Marathon and you chafe terribly.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04He went, "Would you like some?" She...
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Actually, she was very...
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Da-da-da-da...
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Lovely. Well, that's one for dinner parties!
0:18:12 > 0:18:13LAUGHTER
0:18:23 > 0:18:25HE SCREAMS
0:18:25 > 0:18:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Victory!
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Ladies and gentlemen, please thank my mystery guest!
0:18:41 > 0:18:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Have you seen what Prince Charles has been up to?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Prince Charles has taken to the decks - the DJ decks.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57As you can see, he learned how to spin records and then do some mixing.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Tell you what, I'd love to have seen him at Ministry of Sound.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02"I'm MC Charlie, I've got all your riches,
0:19:02 > 0:19:04"Dance to this, you peasant bitches."
0:19:06 > 0:19:08"I got more!"
0:19:10 > 0:19:13"My tunes are phat, my beats are manic,
0:19:13 > 0:19:16"Try my biscuits, they're all organic."
0:19:17 > 0:19:20"Put your butler's hands up, what?"
0:19:20 > 0:19:22It wasn't just Charles. Even his dog got into it.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24SCRATCHING
0:19:24 > 0:19:27SCRATCHING
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Quality.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32I tell you what, when Charles becomes King, we have to make stamps like this.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Did you see this headline?
0:19:41 > 0:19:45That is bullshit. Right, lamb?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Yeeeeaaah.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Here's the scientist that believes this nonsense.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Rupert Sheldrake is a Cambridge educated research scientist
0:19:55 > 0:19:59who believes dogs do have a telepathic relationship with their owners.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Bollocks!
0:20:01 > 0:20:03He bases it on this research.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07Pam is out shopping. Her dog, JT, is in the living room.
0:20:07 > 0:20:12At a random moment, just after 2.50pm, Pam is told to head home.
0:20:12 > 0:20:1811 seconds later, JT gets up and waits at the door. Coincidence?
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Yes!
0:20:21 > 0:20:22He just needs a shit.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Dogs aren't psychic.
0:20:25 > 0:20:30I refuse to believe that any creature that doesn't recognise its own leg has telepathic powers.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32GROWLS AND SNARLS
0:20:37 > 0:20:39If dogs are so intelligent,
0:20:39 > 0:20:41why does mine start a fight with his own reflection?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Every single time he goes past the mirror,
0:20:44 > 0:20:48"All right, Russ, nice day... Who the fuck is this joker?"
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Next day, "Let's go for a walk...
0:20:51 > 0:20:53"What the fuck is this guy's problem?"
0:21:06 > 0:21:08"I've seen him in the pond earlier."
0:21:10 > 0:21:11It's madness.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14If dogs were psychic, surely they'd send a message to their owner.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17"Please don't make me look like this."
0:21:20 > 0:21:24Over to Hong Kong and a phone call the police will never forget.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28Last night in Hong Kong, the police received a disturbing call.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31A man thought it would be fun to have sex with a park bench.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33HE GROANS
0:21:34 > 0:21:36As you do.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42We haven't got a photo of him, but I assume he looks something like this.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48So...
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Did they cut him free and let him go? Oh, no.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54When the police arrived, the man's penis was so swollen,
0:21:54 > 0:21:56they couldn't get the man free.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59So they took him to the hospital with the bench still attached.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02He was still attached.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Ain't nobody got time for that!
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Now for the part of the show called The People's Podium.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14We've asked the audience to bring interesting questions for me
0:22:14 > 0:22:16to try and answer. Let's meet the first speaker on
0:22:16 > 0:22:17The People's Podium.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19CHEERING
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- Hello. What's your name?- Louise.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23What's your question?
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- I saw your show on the hosepipe ban the other day.- Thank you.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29If this does lead to the death of the bowling greens,
0:22:29 > 0:22:32how are we going to keep old people off the streets? Keep 'em entertained?
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Keep old people entertained?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36We all have to carry Alan Titchmarsh masks
0:22:36 > 0:22:39with us wherever we go. Just in case they panic,
0:22:39 > 0:22:41we put it on. "Oh, safe!"
0:22:43 > 0:22:46We'll have to get Zorbs,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- and put pensioners in them, just to push around.- Yes.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Keep stuff in them to keep them happy. Horlicks...
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- A book.- Yes.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Werther's Originals.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Small vole, in case some of them like killing voles.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05- What's your name?- Sam.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07What's your question, mate?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- I'm doing work experience in a hospital.- Sweet.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14What should I do to entertain the patients?
0:23:14 > 0:23:16LAUGHTER
0:23:16 > 0:23:19If you don't like them,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21you dress as Death.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25APPLAUSE
0:23:29 > 0:23:32If you do like them,
0:23:32 > 0:23:33whose day isn't brightened up
0:23:33 > 0:23:36with an early morning cup of tea?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39It's a simple pleasure, but it's THE best pleasure.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42- SPEAKING SOFTLY:- "Hey." "What?"
0:23:42 > 0:23:43"Cup of tea."
0:23:43 > 0:23:45"Thanks, Tea Fairy."
0:23:47 > 0:23:49You'll have to dress up as a fairy.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Got a nice pair of wings at home.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54LAUGHTER
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- What's your name, friend?- Julie.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Lovely to meet you. What's your question?
0:23:58 > 0:24:01If you were on a stag do, who would you rather have with you,
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Boris Johnson or Barack Obama?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Without doubt, Boris Johnson.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Why?
0:24:06 > 0:24:10There is no way you can be smoother than Barack Obama around women.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14- Fair enough.- Boris would eat anything you put in front of him.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16He would eat anything.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- He would.- How about you? Would you like to be smuggled in to join us
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- on the stag do?- Yes, please. - We could dress you up as a man...
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Yes, well...
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Oh, no way do you look like a man!
0:24:27 > 0:24:30You look like the loveliest dinner lady, ever.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34- I mean that as a compliment. - Thank you.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37I love dinner ladies. They're wonderful.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- You have the look of a lady that would...- I'm only 24!
0:24:40 > 0:24:44I mean that. This is why I've got nothing around women. I meant that.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48I meant that in a lovely way. You look like you'd make me a cake.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- I can't bake, but I'll make you a cake if you want.- There you go.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54- What's your name?- I'm Keith.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55- What's your question?- As a senior,
0:24:55 > 0:24:58I feel that I'm being overtaken by technology.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00I feel like that as well!
0:25:00 > 0:25:02I genuinely do.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03I checked out in '97.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06One of the problems I have, is if I sit on the Tube
0:25:06 > 0:25:08with my library book,
0:25:08 > 0:25:11all those around me are going like this,
0:25:11 > 0:25:13with their electronic gadget in their hands.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Sometimes looking over shoulders, never talking,
0:25:16 > 0:25:18but I'm just sitting there with my book.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20What can I do to keep up?
0:25:20 > 0:25:22What you could do, I guess, is try and...
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- AUDIENCE:- Ohh!
0:25:24 > 0:25:25No, no. The key
0:25:25 > 0:25:30is to make your book look so interesting
0:25:30 > 0:25:33that they're not concerned with their electrical goods.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35It relies on your acting. You'll have to do a lot of this.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38LAUGHTER
0:25:38 > 0:25:41- HE MOUTHS:- "Fuck!"
0:25:41 > 0:25:43"Wow!"
0:25:43 > 0:25:47"That is the craziest book I've ever read!"
0:25:48 > 0:25:51You do that, you'll be the envy of everyone on that Tube.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55- I'll try that. - Make sure there's someone else on, or it'll look weird.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00That's what you should do. Ladies and gentlemen, probably my favourite.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Keith! Go and sit down, my friend.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Here's some good news for food lovers.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14A report out this week indicates that a greasy fry-up
0:26:14 > 0:26:17may be the best way to start the day. This is fantastic!
0:26:17 > 0:26:20It's refreshing to hear a positive food story.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Usually, there's things like,
0:26:22 > 0:26:25"Bacon will kill you. If you drink red wine, you will die.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29"Chips will rape your dog." You know?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31The Daily Mail is the worst. Every day,
0:26:31 > 0:26:33there's a different fear-mongering story.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Have you seen how many things they genuinely claim could lead to cancer?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39It's absolutely ridiculous.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41MUSIC: "We Didn't Start The Fire"
0:27:22 > 0:27:25APPLAUSE
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Now it's time for my stand-up guest. This lady is properly funny
0:27:31 > 0:27:34and last year won the very prestigious BBC New Comedy award.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37So please give a very warm welcome to the wonderful Angela Barnes!
0:27:37 > 0:27:39APPLAUSE
0:27:42 > 0:27:47Hello! Oh, this is nice. How are you doing? You having a good time?
0:27:47 > 0:27:48WHOOPING
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Good. Of course you are. I've put a dress on and everything.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Thank you. Cheers. Because I can't do smart, generally.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56You could dress me head to toe in Chanel,
0:27:56 > 0:28:00I'd still look like I'd run naked through Matalan covered in glue.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03I tend to buy my clothes from charity shops. That's all right, isn't it?
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Not Oxfam, I'm not made of money. Jesus.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10So it's nice to be here, you all look very nice.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12I come from a town called Maidstone in Kent. Does anyone know it?
0:28:12 > 0:28:14SCATTERED CHEERING
0:28:14 > 0:28:16You're cheering it!
0:28:16 > 0:28:18I love the place, it's my home town, but you know,
0:28:18 > 0:28:22it's no coincidence that an anagram of Maidstone is "I am stoned".
0:28:23 > 0:28:26There's fuck all else to do.
0:28:26 > 0:28:27Just anagrams.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32I always say if Kent is the Garden of England,
0:28:32 > 0:28:36Maidstone's where they've hidden the old fridge and a piss-stained mattress.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41You're a very beautiful crowd here tonight. It's nice to see.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Although I must admit, I'm looking at some of you and I'm thinking,
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Jesus, I've got things in my medicine cabinet older than you.
0:28:47 > 0:28:51I'm 35. I'll give you a moment for the gasps of surprise.
0:28:51 > 0:28:52GASPING
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Don't patronise me.
0:28:54 > 0:28:5635's all right.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59At least it was until somebody pointed out that I've outlived
0:28:59 > 0:29:01five Blue Peter dogs.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08It's too many, isn't it? And technology is passing me by.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11I see people with iPads and I think to myself,
0:29:11 > 0:29:13I really want one of those.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15I've just got no idea why.
0:29:15 > 0:29:19Then I see them shake it and I realise it's because I never had an Etch A Sketch.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22And I'm still blown away by text messaging.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25I'm still blown away that I can text my bank
0:29:25 > 0:29:28and they can instantly text me back my balance.
0:29:28 > 0:29:31I did it the other day - the LOL on the end was a bit harsh.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38It's a fair point, it's a fair point.
0:29:38 > 0:29:39I'm a single woman.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42I've just had this reinforced by being asked to be
0:29:42 > 0:29:43a bridesmaid for the eighth time.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46They're taking the piss, aren't they, now?
0:29:46 > 0:29:48I hate it because you're supposed to enjoy it,
0:29:48 > 0:29:52but for a start, brides will always insist on dainty little shoes.
0:29:52 > 0:29:54I've got size eight flat feet.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56Dainty little bridesmaids shoes
0:29:56 > 0:29:58make my feet look like whales shoved into canoes.
0:29:59 > 0:30:03Last time I was a bridesmaid, she made me wear a gold dress.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06Let me say that again. A gold dress.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08I looked like an Oscar in a wig.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13Although I did manage to pull that night so...
0:30:13 > 0:30:14CHEERING
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Thank you. Cheers.
0:30:16 > 0:30:21I went back to his place and let me tell you, nothing says old slag like
0:30:21 > 0:30:25a 35-year-old bridesmaid on a bus at eight o'clock on a Sunday morning.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29Live and learn, eh? Live and learn.
0:30:29 > 0:30:31I was talking to a newlywed couple that I know recently.
0:30:31 > 0:30:35I wouldn't advise it for at least two years, they're really tedious.
0:30:35 > 0:30:39She was giving it all that. "Angela, it's the happiest day of my life.
0:30:39 > 0:30:40"Happiest day of my life."
0:30:40 > 0:30:43She said, "Do you know what, at the end of the day,
0:30:43 > 0:30:47"we were so exhausted, we couldn't even consummate the marriage."
0:30:47 > 0:30:52Hang on, right, any day where I am too tired to have sex
0:30:52 > 0:30:54and it isn't cos of all the sex I've just had -
0:30:54 > 0:30:57not going to be the happiest day of my life.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59Then he pipes in with, "But Angela,
0:30:59 > 0:31:03"the best thing about being married, the best thing about being married
0:31:03 > 0:31:08"is I know I never again have to go through the trauma of casual sex."
0:31:11 > 0:31:12You're doing it wrong, mate.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15He said, "You know, getting up the next day,
0:31:15 > 0:31:18"having to sneak out the house, do the walk of shame."
0:31:18 > 0:31:22I said, "Walk of shame? I'm 35, I'm single.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25"If I manage to get myself laid, that is not a walk of shame,
0:31:25 > 0:31:27"that is a parade of triumph."
0:31:35 > 0:31:38Walk of shame! Walk of shame. I've been known to skip.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42I'm quite happy being single.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44There's only two times I don't like being single.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46One is when I'm not very well
0:31:46 > 0:31:48because there's nobody obliged to give a shit.
0:31:48 > 0:31:50The other's when I want a holiday.
0:31:50 > 0:31:51I'd quite happily go on holiday on my own,
0:31:51 > 0:31:54but I really resent having to pay the single supplement.
0:31:54 > 0:31:57Why don't they just call it what it is? It's a loneliness tax.
0:31:57 > 0:32:01My friend, she said to me, "Why don't you go on a singles holiday?
0:32:01 > 0:32:03"Apparently they're not like they used to be."
0:32:03 > 0:32:07And I entertained the idea until she sent me the link to the website.
0:32:07 > 0:32:08Justyou.co.uk.
0:32:08 > 0:32:13Might as well call it ahyourtimewillcome.com.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15I've been doing a bit of dating recently.
0:32:15 > 0:32:20I was seeing this guy, he was 31, obsessed with Lord of the Rings.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23Still played Dungeons And Dragons.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25He dumped me.
0:32:26 > 0:32:31I haven't felt that uncool since my dad picked me up from the school disco in our motorhome.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36Genuinely, one of the reasons he gave for dumping me is I'm an icthyophobe.
0:32:36 > 0:32:40If you don't know what that is, that means I'm afraid of fish.
0:32:40 > 0:32:42I know, people tell me all the time, that's irrational.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45I say, tell that to Steve Irwin. But there you go.
0:32:45 > 0:32:46GROANS
0:32:46 > 0:32:48Oh, it was ages ago!
0:32:48 > 0:32:50So this guy, he sat me down and he said,
0:32:50 > 0:32:53"You see, Angela, the thing is, I've always imagined
0:32:53 > 0:32:57"living in a house where one entire wall is an aquarium.
0:32:57 > 0:32:58"So we can't be together."
0:32:58 > 0:33:00I said, "Really?
0:33:00 > 0:33:04"Well, I've always imagined a sex life where I don't have to dress up as Frodo."
0:33:05 > 0:33:07It would appear only one of us
0:33:07 > 0:33:09understands the concept of beggars can't be choosers.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15I thought I'd hit the dating jackpot recently. I dated a doctor.
0:33:15 > 0:33:16CHEERS
0:33:16 > 0:33:17You're right to be impressed.
0:33:17 > 0:33:22Girls like me don't get to date a doctor unless that's their prison nickname.
0:33:22 > 0:33:24And it was all going fine, it was going well,
0:33:24 > 0:33:28we'd been on a few dates, until we came to sleeping together.
0:33:28 > 0:33:31Because I suddenly was overcome with anxiety
0:33:31 > 0:33:34when I realised that this is a man who knows exactly where
0:33:34 > 0:33:38everything should be, and what everything should look like.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41What if he finds something wrong with me?
0:33:41 > 0:33:44What if I'm actually hideously disfigured and I've got no idea?
0:33:44 > 0:33:47I didn't want to wake up the next morning to find he'd sneaked out
0:33:47 > 0:33:50and instead of leaving me a note, he's left me a prescription
0:33:50 > 0:33:52for antibiotics and the number of a good plastic surgeon.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56So I couldn't concentrate on what was going on.
0:33:56 > 0:34:00All I kept thinking was, God, he's a doctor, he's a doctor.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02And bless him, he was trying to engage me in activity.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04At one point he leant over and he whispered in my ear,
0:34:04 > 0:34:06"Have you been a naughty girl?"
0:34:06 > 0:34:10I said, "Yes, I drink too much, I don't exercise. It's been five years since I've had a smear."
0:34:13 > 0:34:17I knew it was really game over when I had his knob in my mouth and all I could do was go "Aaah..."
0:34:21 > 0:34:25Turns out I needn't have worried, he was a doctor of philosophy.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31I've got a friend who's just taken up burlesque dancing, as a hobby.
0:34:31 > 0:34:33- AUDIENCE:- Wooo!
0:34:33 > 0:34:39I'm not sure about it. Is it just the middle-class acceptable face of stripping?
0:34:39 > 0:34:43The only difference I can see between burlesque dancing and stripping,
0:34:43 > 0:34:47is that in burlesque dancing the pile of clothes on the floor is more expensive.
0:34:47 > 0:34:52Cos I read this interview with a guy who ran a burlesque club.
0:34:52 > 0:34:54He was defending it to his local community, saying,
0:34:54 > 0:34:58"No, no, no, it's not a strip club. It's a burlesque club.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01"It's fine because it is vintage. It's classy."
0:35:02 > 0:35:04Doesn't work like that, does it?
0:35:04 > 0:35:08You can't make something acceptable just by doing it in old-fashioned clothing.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11If you could, drug addicts would be wearing top hats.
0:35:11 > 0:35:16"No, officer, this isn't a crack house, this is an opium den."
0:35:16 > 0:35:20"Oh, as you were - you're VINTAGE junkies." Doesn't work like that.
0:35:20 > 0:35:24No, I don't think I'll be doing burlesque any time soon.
0:35:24 > 0:35:27Taking your clothes off sexily in front of other people's hard.
0:35:27 > 0:35:31I find taking my clothes off hard full stop, sometimes.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33I once genuinely choked myself, cos I took my jumper off
0:35:33 > 0:35:36forgetting I still had a Pepperami in my mouth.
0:35:38 > 0:35:41All my friends are having children now, which means
0:35:41 > 0:35:44I've got a lot of godchildren. I'm always being asked to be a godparent.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46I've got so many godchildren,
0:35:46 > 0:35:50I am starting to think I might actually be God.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53It's weird. I don't know why they keep asking me.
0:35:53 > 0:35:55I'm quite open about the fact that I'm an atheist,
0:35:55 > 0:35:57yet they still keep asking me to be a godparent.
0:35:57 > 0:36:00I mean, I'll do it, fuck it - I like vol-au-vents.
0:36:00 > 0:36:05But it's weird - you wouldn't ask a creationist to lead a fossil hunt.
0:36:05 > 0:36:07I was at my friend's little boy's christening.
0:36:07 > 0:36:11They decided to call him Adam, because, and I quote,
0:36:11 > 0:36:13"We didn't want an old-fashioned name."
0:36:17 > 0:36:19Brilliant, yeah. Like calling your baby daughter Jezebel,
0:36:19 > 0:36:22cos you didn't want anything too slutty. Well done.
0:36:22 > 0:36:26And of course the upshot of this means I have to go to their birthday parties.
0:36:26 > 0:36:29Children's birthday parties and me... I can't talk to kids.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32I was at one recently, this nine-year-old, and I got
0:36:32 > 0:36:35chatting to this girl there, "Hello, what's your name?"
0:36:35 > 0:36:38She said, "Constance." I was like, "Oh, here we go. Brilliant."
0:36:38 > 0:36:43"And what do you want to be when you grow up?" She said, "Archaeologist."
0:36:43 > 0:36:45Precocious little twat.
0:36:45 > 0:36:49"Is that cos you like Ancient Romans and Egyptians?"
0:36:49 > 0:36:53She looked me square in the eye, she said, "No, I like dead bones."
0:36:53 > 0:36:56So I've memorised HER face.
0:36:56 > 0:36:58I was on the phone to my mum that night -
0:36:58 > 0:37:03"Mum, I met a really creepy child today." My mum went, "You can talk."
0:37:04 > 0:37:06And then she did remind me of something that I used to do.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09Before I share this with you, remember two things.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12One is, I had a lot of allergies and wasn't allowed any pets.
0:37:12 > 0:37:16And the other is, I was an only child until I was 12, so I had to make my own entertainment.
0:37:16 > 0:37:17And this is what I used to do.
0:37:17 > 0:37:23On a summer's day, I would catch a fly - that could take me all day sometimes...
0:37:23 > 0:37:28I would dunk it in some water. Not to kill it, I'm not a psychopath. Just to immobilise it.
0:37:30 > 0:37:34I had very long hair, I would rip one of the hairs from my head,
0:37:34 > 0:37:36I would tie it to the fly,
0:37:36 > 0:37:40then when it dried out and tried to fly away, I had a fly on a lead.
0:37:41 > 0:37:42Come on, that's genius!
0:37:45 > 0:37:49I used to walk around our estate with up to five of these at any one time,
0:37:49 > 0:37:51thinking I looked pretty cool.
0:37:51 > 0:37:54It turned out the hair was completely invisible to the naked eye,
0:37:54 > 0:37:56I just looked like a walking dog turd.
0:37:57 > 0:38:03I've not been christened myself, I come from a very laid-back, liberal family.
0:38:03 > 0:38:06My dad actually worked in a sex shop for a living.
0:38:06 > 0:38:09Which wasn't a problem, really.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12Until it came to "take your daughter to work day".
0:38:12 > 0:38:16No girl should ever have to do a dildo stocktake with her dad.
0:38:18 > 0:38:23Bless my dad. He's up there now in the great big sex shop in the sky.
0:38:23 > 0:38:29Word to the wise - just remember, when you die,
0:38:29 > 0:38:33someone in your family is going to get your computer.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38Oh, yeah.
0:38:38 > 0:38:43You can laugh - I can never show my face in that branch of PC World again.
0:38:43 > 0:38:45The porn on his hard drive was one thing,
0:38:45 > 0:38:47but the links to caravanning websites were humiliating.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50We gave my dad a good send-off, I think that's important.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52When somebody's vibrant and colourful in life,
0:38:52 > 0:38:53you give them a good send-off.
0:38:53 > 0:38:56At my dad's funeral, we had a very strict "no black" rule.
0:38:56 > 0:39:00I mean, clothes - not people. Jesus...
0:39:01 > 0:39:04He was a massive pervert, he wasn't a racist!
0:39:04 > 0:39:08A brief glance at his internet browser history proves both those points, if I'm honest.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10And he was a big fan of tattoos, my dad.
0:39:10 > 0:39:14So it seemed a fitting tribute that when he died, I should get a memorial tattoo.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17You might not be able to see this, it's on my wrist here,
0:39:17 > 0:39:19and it's a tracing of the last birthday card he ever sent me.
0:39:19 > 0:39:22It says "Love you, Dad," and it's in his handwriting.
0:39:22 > 0:39:26Now, I decided WHAT I wanted - I just had a little bit of trouble about where to put it.
0:39:26 > 0:39:29Cos I wanted it somewhere where I could see it,
0:39:29 > 0:39:31but it was for my dad, I didn't want anywhere...sensual.
0:39:31 > 0:39:35So I decided where it was going. I went with my friend Nicki to get it done. She said
0:39:35 > 0:39:39"Have you decided where you're going to put your tattoo?" I said, "It's going on my wrist."
0:39:39 > 0:39:43She looked at me and she said, "Is that your wanking hand?"
0:39:43 > 0:39:44So it's on this wrist!
0:39:46 > 0:39:50Now you know more about me than you ever wanted to.
0:39:50 > 0:39:53I'm a lactose intolerant. Have we got any in?
0:39:53 > 0:39:56Yeah, just a weak voice in the background.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58When you tell people you're allergic to dairy, nine times out of ten
0:39:58 > 0:40:02the response will be "Ooh, I couldn't live without cheese."
0:40:03 > 0:40:05Thanks for that, yeah, Cheers.
0:40:05 > 0:40:08Go to somebody with one leg, would you -
0:40:08 > 0:40:10"Ooh, I couldn't live without doing the conga."
0:40:13 > 0:40:17Because I've got this sort of collection of niggling ailments that
0:40:17 > 0:40:20I'd quite like to consolidate into one easy to manage disease.
0:40:20 > 0:40:23Nothing life-threatening - just something that might get me
0:40:23 > 0:40:27a swim with dolphins or a Pride of Britain nomination or something. That would be nice.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30The things I've got are rubbish. I've got something called glue ear.
0:40:30 > 0:40:34Did you have that when you were a child? It necessitates the wearing of grommets in your ears.
0:40:34 > 0:40:36I mean, child is the key word. I'm 35,
0:40:36 > 0:40:39I've got grommets - I might as well have a sodding nappy rash, it's brilliant.
0:40:39 > 0:40:42Even the word "grommet" is a cartoon character.
0:40:42 > 0:40:44You don't get that with adult procedures, do you?
0:40:44 > 0:40:48My grandmother, she's got a bilateral hip replacement - she hasn't got a double SpongeBob.
0:40:49 > 0:40:51Grommets(!)
0:40:51 > 0:40:53And they're inconvenient as well, cos I like to swim -
0:40:53 > 0:40:58but I can't get my ears wet, so I have to wear a swimming hat.
0:40:58 > 0:41:02No-one's worn a swimming hat outside of competitive swimming since 1983, that's a fact.
0:41:02 > 0:41:04So my mum's bought me a red one,
0:41:04 > 0:41:08cos she said "It'll just look like your hair."
0:41:08 > 0:41:11It doesn't, no. I just look like a Lego version of me.
0:41:14 > 0:41:18And another thing because of glue ear, my eardrums rupture quite easily.
0:41:18 > 0:41:22I don't know if anyone here's had a burst eardrum. It's not pleasant.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24It's bloody, its pussy, it's messy, it's horrible.
0:41:24 > 0:41:26Happened to me once during sex.
0:41:26 > 0:41:29GROANING Yeah, disgusting.
0:41:29 > 0:41:31Although, it was quite entertaining to see
0:41:31 > 0:41:33the look on the gentleman in question's face,
0:41:33 > 0:41:35as I saw him think to himself,
0:41:35 > 0:41:39"Oh, my God, I've actually fucked her brains out."
0:41:40 > 0:41:44I'm going to leave you on that. I've been Angela Barnes, you've been lovely. Thank you.
0:41:45 > 0:41:49Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Angela Barnes!
0:41:49 > 0:41:51CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:41:51 > 0:41:54Thank you very much for watching Good News. Good night!
0:42:13 > 0:42:15Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd