0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Thank you!
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Hello and welcome to my special edition of Good News Best Bits.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34We've covered a lot of stories this series,
0:00:34 > 0:00:36here are some of my favourite ones. Enjoy.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39So what's been happening? It's all going off at Sky News.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43First, Jacquie Beltrao revealed her wrestling name...
0:00:43 > 0:00:44Thighs without mercy.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49..then Peter Spencer turned to stone.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Some people can be so mistrustful.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Peter, thank you.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Coming up on Boulton & Co, we'll be hearing from both sides of the row.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01I tell you what, some journalists have got weird names.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Hello, my name is Lesbian.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10Either my telly's broken, or there's been some big changes at Sky News.
0:01:10 > 0:01:16'This is Sky News with Eamonn Holmes.'
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Good morning.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Check out the Australian version of The Voice.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Is it me, or does Seal appear to be masturbating?
0:01:31 > 0:01:35# Don't you remember...? #
0:01:40 > 0:01:43New research came out this week suggesting why dinosaurs
0:01:43 > 0:01:45became extinct.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49Dinosaurs may have gassed themselves into extinction.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Researchers say the prehistoric beasts had a flatulence
0:01:52 > 0:01:53and belching problem.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Apparently dinosaurs killed themselves by farting.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Turns out it wasn't a meteor. A stegosaurus went, "Pull my finger."
0:02:05 > 0:02:07How did the scientists find this out?
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Did they find one buried like that? Next to another one, just...
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Either way, these lizards really dropped their guts.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Researchers found dinosaurs pumped out
0:02:18 > 0:02:21more than 520 million tonnes of methane gas.
0:02:21 > 0:02:28520 million tonnes! Must've been a nightmare being a T-rex.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32"Oh, my arms are so tiny. I can't waft it away.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35"Oh!
0:02:39 > 0:02:42"Oh, Jesus Christ, what did you eat?"
0:02:44 > 0:02:46"Who's Jesus Christ?"
0:02:47 > 0:02:49"I don't know."
0:02:53 > 0:02:54I tell you what.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57If this is how they died, it's really going to change the movies.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00HE ROARS
0:03:02 > 0:03:04HE FARTS
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Now, take a look at how a bored cat wakes its owner up
0:03:12 > 0:03:15every morning at 5am.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17If you struggle to get out of bed in the morning
0:03:17 > 0:03:20and the traditional alarm clock just isn't enough,
0:03:20 > 0:03:23maybe you need this furry wake-up call.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Ohhh! Oh...
0:03:37 > 0:03:41APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:03:44 > 0:03:47It's the one on the end, the one on the end is the most satisfying.
0:03:47 > 0:03:52"I can't reach." Wa-doing!
0:03:54 > 0:03:59It's so cute, isn't it? But five in the morning? Every day?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01If that was my cat...
0:04:03 > 0:04:05..he'd end up like this.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14What? I like a lie-in.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Sometimes you have to keep them in check.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Some cats are plain evil.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30My favourite animal story of the week is this belter.
0:04:36 > 0:04:41There was a kung fu hamster terrorising people in Slovakia.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43The reason I love this story so much
0:04:43 > 0:04:46is because some genius took a photo of the hamster.
0:04:46 > 0:04:51Prepare yourself. This is one of the greatest photos you will ever see.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05Not only is he throwing kung fu shapes, look at his mouth.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08It looks like he's going, "Surprise, asshole!"
0:05:14 > 0:05:17First up, some strange economic news.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19- Erm...- Erm...- Erm...
0:05:19 > 0:05:21It's the surprising research which may leave
0:05:21 > 0:05:23some people scratching their heads.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Marketing experts reckon The Only Way Is Essex has generated
0:05:27 > 0:05:31- an extra billion pounds of spending in the UK.- Shut up!
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Fuck off.
0:05:33 > 0:05:38- CHEERING - Yeah, this is the... Exactly.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42This is the bizarre news that The Only Way Is Essex has boosted
0:05:42 > 0:05:44the economy by 1.4 billion.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Thanks to TOWIE, sales in...
0:05:56 > 0:06:00In other news, book sales are down 800%.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02"I can't read, but I've got a shiny muff."
0:06:04 > 0:06:07It's so depressing.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11When I was young, kids wanted to go to the moon, not have a neon minge.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13How have they got their own show?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Why don't we idolise impressive people?
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Why can't we have a show, I don't know, called The Only Way Is Fry?
0:06:19 > 0:06:21We could hear stuff like this.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Would you be in any way offended if I said you seem to me to be
0:06:24 > 0:06:27the visible personification of absolute perfection?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31As opposed to this.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33The goat's beard, look, how embarrassing.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Is that why they're called goats, cos they've got goatees?
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Yeah, it's so right.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46Here is quite literally a shocking story about a ten-year-old.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Now to the Arkansas police officer under investigation
0:06:49 > 0:06:53this morning for using a Taser on a ten-year-old girl.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54- CHUCKLING - That's... Don't laugh!
0:06:56 > 0:06:59A policeman Tasered a ten-year-old girl.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02So what terrible crime did this evil child commit?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Kelly King says her ten-year-old daughter was acting out,
0:07:05 > 0:07:07refusing to take a shower.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Holy shit! How over-the-top is that?
0:07:12 > 0:07:17"Have a shower." "No." Arrrrr!
0:07:17 > 0:07:19The poor girl will never miss a shower again.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21She'll be scrubbing for hours.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23WHIMPERS
0:07:23 > 0:07:26By the time she's done, she'll look like this.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Times have changed.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33When my mum was naughty, they didn't Taser her,
0:07:33 > 0:07:35they just put a budgie on her head.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42APPLAUSE
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Mind you, we shouldn't be surprised. This is America.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Their police are pretty hard-core.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Listen to this emergency call from a concerned parent.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04What was the police response?
0:08:15 > 0:08:20In fairness, we've all seen an annoying child we'd like to shoot.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23# Baby, baby... #
0:08:25 > 0:08:29I'm very worried about the students at Swansea Uni.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Do you reckon they're sat there, "Mum!
0:08:39 > 0:08:42"I need a wipe!"
0:08:42 > 0:08:44It's insane.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46I mean, what kind of job are you going to get
0:08:46 > 0:08:48if you can't even shit properly?
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- Shut up!- Fuck off!
0:08:57 > 0:08:58In case you can't figure it out,
0:08:58 > 0:09:01here's the handy diagram they're showing the students.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02This isn't a joke.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05These were genuinely put up in a place of learning.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06This is good toilet.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10And this is bad toilet.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Now...now...
0:09:15 > 0:09:18I'm a good guy, I wanted to help the students out.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21So I've made a few signs of my own, right? Here we go.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22This is how you urinate,
0:09:22 > 0:09:24there you go.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Lovely. Lovely bit of wee, oh, that's nice.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29This is not. That's bad.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33That's bad toilet, right?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39This is how you use a kettle.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Oh, a bit of tea. Tea, mmm.
0:09:43 > 0:09:48This is not how you use a kettle, that's bad.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52That's bad kettle.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53One more. This is how you feed a pet.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Oh, he likes that, doesn't he?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Lovely little dog, lovely bit of food, nom, nom, nom.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01This is definitely not how to feed a pet.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04It's not how you feed a pet.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11First up, over to Australia and a sexy way to travel.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Air Australia is offering you the chance to join the prestigious
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Mile High Club.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19The hour-long flight includes a private cabin in the back
0:10:19 > 0:10:22with a double bed, champagne and chocolates for you and your partner.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Classic Australia.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Over here, we're not allowed to take fluids on board,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29they're flinging theirs about.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30I'd love to see the plane windows.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Do you reckon there'll be birds like this?
0:10:38 > 0:10:42"This is great. Or it would be if I wasn't an owl."
0:10:46 > 0:10:49It isn't just the sex. Look what else the Aussies are offering.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52After the flight, you receive a Mile High Club certificate
0:10:52 > 0:10:54and commemorative pen.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Why have they got a certificate?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: - "What's that for, Dad?"
0:10:58 > 0:11:01"Did your mum at 50,000 feet.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04"Pretty weird, actually, son. There was an owl watching.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07"I don't know if you've ever made love staring at an owl,
0:11:07 > 0:11:09"it's pretty weird.
0:11:09 > 0:11:14"You can't escape their gaze. The head can turn around completely.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17"Like a furry lighthouse."
0:11:17 > 0:11:19A Mile High Club.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22There may be a few of you going, "Oh, sounds quite romantic."
0:11:22 > 0:11:26You people are wrong. You are. The pilot will be an Australian man,
0:11:26 > 0:11:28and you know what his announcements will be like.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: - "In the event of any turbulence, she's going to bloody love it!
0:11:32 > 0:11:39"If we do crash, I'll join in." You think I'm joking. It's true.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Aussie men are pretty blunt.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43What do you reckon Kate and Wills
0:11:43 > 0:11:45are going to get up to on their honeymoon?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47- Can we say it on TV?- It depends.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Anal.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57Next up, have you seen how a group of men are promoting
0:11:57 > 0:11:58tourism in Scandinavia?
0:11:58 > 0:12:02When tourism is down, there's nothing better to get it back up
0:12:02 > 0:12:04than a video of naked men humping things.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Amen to that.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Now, look at the video these guys created to get people
0:12:10 > 0:12:12to visit their country.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33It looks like Louie Spence's mind.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36How does that promote your country?
0:12:36 > 0:12:41If you like a place, write something nice on TripAdvisor, don't fuck it.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44It is a funny video, though, isn't it? This guy's my favourite.
0:12:44 > 0:12:49Check this bloke out. Why? Cos he's wearing a hat.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51I also love this bloke.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53What is that?
0:12:55 > 0:12:59That's not shagging, it's rapey yoga.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01I tell you what, if that's how they sell their country,
0:13:01 > 0:13:05can you imagine what their shopping channels are like?
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- SWEDISH ACCENT:- Hello, welcome to the Shopping Channel.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12Gunther will now sell the toaster. Gunther.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Ah! I love toasters!
0:13:15 > 0:13:18He loves toasters!
0:13:18 > 0:13:23Warning - some of our toasters may contain pubes. Whoops!
0:13:23 > 0:13:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:29 > 0:13:32There have been some insane health stories knocking about.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36Check out the latest craze sweeping across Taiwan.
0:13:36 > 0:13:41Tu Shin Chan is the grand master of in xao gung,
0:13:41 > 0:13:44an extraordinary and controversial form of medicine
0:13:44 > 0:13:47for men who want to be all they can be.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Medicine? Well, that is stretching it.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52You'll get that joke in about five seconds.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Look what this "medicine" entails.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57After deep breathing, each man ties
0:13:57 > 0:14:00a soft sash around his penis and scrotum
0:14:00 > 0:14:03and straps on a five-kilogram weight.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05That is NOT medicine!
0:14:07 > 0:14:11That is pervert croquet, that's what that is.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17"The greens are good, aren't they, Barry?"
0:14:17 > 0:14:18It's insane!
0:14:18 > 0:14:21This has to be understatement of the year.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25Some doctors have suggested it may cause serious injury.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Fucking right!
0:14:28 > 0:14:30You'll have a dick like this guy's arm!
0:14:33 > 0:14:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:39 > 0:14:42So why the hell are Taiwanese men doing this?
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Master Tu believes conventional medicine will one day recognise
0:14:46 > 0:14:49the benefits of this exercise
0:14:49 > 0:14:51and even see it as a safe alternative
0:14:51 > 0:14:55to potency-enhancing drugs like Viagra.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58An alternative to Viagra? It's hardly going to be romantic.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00"I tell you what, love, I'm going to make love to you all night,
0:15:00 > 0:15:05"just as soon as I finish stretching my penis with this lead weight.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08"You stay there, love, you're in for the time of your life!
0:15:08 > 0:15:11"Oh, I wouldn't want to be you. Oh-ho-ho!
0:15:11 > 0:15:13"Linda?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16"Linda, can you phone an ambulance, please?
0:15:16 > 0:15:20"And make sure it's a long one. I'm in real trouble here."
0:15:20 > 0:15:24These guys don't just use it for sex. Check out this mad bastard!
0:15:24 > 0:15:27The more experienced practitioners
0:15:27 > 0:15:30are still to discover the limits of in xao gung,
0:15:30 > 0:15:32one man even offering to pull our van.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34AUDIENCE GROAN
0:15:34 > 0:15:37He's pulling a van with his wang!
0:15:39 > 0:15:43Let's hope to God the AA don't start doing that.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45" Hello, love! I'm the fourth emergency service!
0:15:45 > 0:15:48"Let's just warm the bad boy up. Here we go."
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Have you seen the latest way teenagers are getting pissed?
0:15:57 > 0:16:00In the last few months, an increasing number of teenagers
0:16:00 > 0:16:03have been treated in hospital for alcohol poisoning
0:16:03 > 0:16:07after they got drunk on hand sanitiser and mouthwash.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10They're drinking mouthwash!
0:16:11 > 0:16:14"Tequila?" "No, I'm on Listerine.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17"I'm pissed...
0:16:17 > 0:16:20"and I'm minty fresh."
0:16:20 > 0:16:22It's insane! Look at the side effects.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26These kind of symptoms - slurred speech, lack of balance,
0:16:26 > 0:16:27changes in their mental state.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29So if that's what it does to you,
0:16:29 > 0:16:31this guy must have drunk pints of the stuff.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34SLURRED SINGING
0:16:44 > 0:16:47APPLAUSE
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Not only that, I think this fella's been on it too.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12"Simba! Simba, I am wankered!"
0:17:14 > 0:17:15Did you read about this?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23It's insane, innit? How angry must they be?
0:17:23 > 0:17:24"Got your nose!"
0:17:24 > 0:17:26"Well, give it back, then!"
0:17:29 > 0:17:32It makes no sense. When I was five, I didn't need anger management.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34If I wanted to be happy, I just did this.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38"That's better. I was really upset."
0:17:38 > 0:17:42Or if I was really annoyed, farty noise under the arm.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44HE LAUGHS
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Mind you, it's no wonder five-year-olds are messed up.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Look at the lessons they're taught by fairy tales.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Jack and Jill - domestic violence.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Goldilocks - breaking and entering.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs - gang bang.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Sleeping Beauty - that's the worst.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02What's that? Touching up a girl in a coma, that's what that is.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04"Lads, a girl asleep. I'm going to try and bang her!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07"She's woken up! It's all right, I'm a prince. Let's get married."
0:18:07 > 0:18:09LAUGHS UNCONVINCINGLY
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Have you heard the news about Stephen Hawking?
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Apparently, Hawking loves a clunge hut, right?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Did you see the way this was covered by Taiwanese news?
0:18:22 > 0:18:26Look how they claim the Cambridge genius arrived at a sex club.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44APPLAUSE
0:18:51 > 0:18:53It gets weirder. This next bit is insane.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Now, boobs are incredible.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58But I'm not sure they've got the power to do this.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08APPLAUSE
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Now, this is the part of the show I don't know anything about.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20There's going to be a mystery guest, and I have to figure out who it is.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23So please welcome my mystery guest!
0:19:23 > 0:19:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Hello.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- Hello, mate.- Hi.- How are you doing? You all right?- Yeah. And you?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39- I'm very well indeed. What's your name?- My name's Darius.- Darius.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Excellent. I'm Russell. Thanks for coming on the show.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Right, it would appear to have an Olympic theme.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- Yeah, something like that, yeah.- OK.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Are you an Olympic athlete?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- Yeah...- Sort of?
0:19:52 > 0:19:56- Yeah, kind of. I would say so, yeah. - In what...? Is it...?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Ping-Pong?
0:19:59 > 0:20:01- No, no, I need to show you my biggest clue.- OK.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08- APPLAUSE - That'll do it.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10CHEERING
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Right...
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Memories of Thailand come flooding back.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Just what kind of Olympics are you competing in, my friend?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Please tell me you're a table-tennis player,
0:20:25 > 0:20:27you're not going to do something unspeakable with these.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29- No?- No.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33- You're a table-tennis player. - Yes, I am.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35And you are at the Olympics?
0:20:35 > 0:20:39Well, I'm hoping to compete in the 2012 Olympics this year.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Fantastic! How cool is that?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:43 > 0:20:45So...
0:20:46 > 0:20:50..what made you learn how to become a Ping-Pong champion?
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Table tennis was the only sport that I could play without injuries.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57Big guys, small guys, skinny guys, everyone had their advantages.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- OK.- So I just started doing it for fun
0:20:59 > 0:21:02and then I kind of started getting a bit better at it.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05I started beating the guys, and they were, like,
0:21:05 > 0:21:08"Ah, table tennis is boring now. We're going back to football."
0:21:08 > 0:21:10I was, like, "Hang on a minute, guys, I've got the shoes,
0:21:10 > 0:21:12"the rubbers, the bat cases, everything."
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- The rubbers?- Yeah.
0:21:19 > 0:21:20How good at table tennis are you?!
0:21:22 > 0:21:25So, basically, my mum had spent loads of money and she was, like,
0:21:25 > 0:21:27"I've spent all this money, and you're stopping?
0:21:27 > 0:21:30"Boy, you better get your arse back on that table."
0:21:30 > 0:21:32So the reason you're so good at table tennis
0:21:32 > 0:21:34is because your mum wouldn't let you stop.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- A little bit!- Let's play. That'd be fun. Can we have a go?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- Yeah, yeah, sure. - Let's do that, man.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Nice work.
0:21:59 > 0:22:00I'm in trouble here, aren't I?
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- Just a little bit.- Yeah!
0:22:05 > 0:22:09OK. I'm going to give you a quick table-tennis crash course.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- Looking forward to it.- The most important thing is to be relaxed.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14It's like you're, erm...
0:22:14 > 0:22:17It's like you're holding a baby. You don't want to be too tense.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Very relaxed.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21But when you're holding a bat,
0:22:21 > 0:22:23hold it like you're shaking somebody's hand.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26So it's like you're shaking a baby's hand?
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Here. I'm going to come and, er, hold your hand. So, er,
0:22:31 > 0:22:32you need to...
0:22:32 > 0:22:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Bend your legs a little bit. Bend your legs.
0:22:38 > 0:22:43- OK, I'm going to hold your hand. Relax, relax, relax, relax.- OK. Yeah.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47- Yeah.- And just go, yeah. Like it. Yeah. That's it.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:51 > 0:22:52Right.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Just throw it, and I'll make sure I'm hitting it!
0:22:59 > 0:23:02There we go. That's it. Yay!
0:23:02 > 0:23:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Right, let's do it. Let's have a quick game.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- You ready?- Yeah.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13That was out.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16That was out, mate.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18- Hang on a second.- Ohhh!
0:23:18 > 0:23:19That was going in!
0:23:19 > 0:23:23- OK, so it's 1-0 to you. - First to five.- First to five.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Your serve, then. Let's go.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30- 1-1.- Yeah. Cool.- My serve.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33That was pretty good.
0:23:35 > 0:23:371-2.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42APPLAUSE
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Are you ready?
0:23:45 > 0:23:48- Hang on, I thought you had to go diagonal.- Any way, any way.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:58 > 0:23:59Wow.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01- You are a natural.- That's right.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04All right, 3-2. Your serve, your serve, your serve.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- Are you ready?- Yeah. - I'm going to finish you
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- with a magical serve. - I'm looking forward to it. - You won't touch the ball.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21I know.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29- Sorry, sorry, sorry. I need one more try. Is that all right?- Yeah.- OK?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35I do believe that's 4-4 now.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:40 > 0:24:414-4.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- Darius, you win.- Thank you very much.- Well done.- Thank you.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58In the world of celebrity,
0:24:58 > 0:25:01have you seen what they've been doing to stop obesity?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Chef Jamie Oliver and footballer Steven Gerrard
0:25:04 > 0:25:06say the pride of hosting the Olympic Games
0:25:06 > 0:25:09has been tainted by the shameful fact that Britain is officially
0:25:09 > 0:25:11the fattest nation in Europe.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15Damn straight. It's already affected our gymnasts.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22APPLAUSE
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Our swimmers aren't much better.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30HE BARKS LIKE A SEAL
0:25:32 > 0:25:35APPLAUSE
0:25:37 > 0:25:41Still, on the bright side,
0:25:41 > 0:25:43at least we're not as bad as the Americans.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51APPLAUSE
0:25:51 > 0:25:55Over in Holland, a bloke's had an unusual reaction to an operation.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02You have to check this out. It is so beautiful.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04HE LAUGHS
0:26:20 > 0:26:22APPLAUSE
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Just...
0:26:24 > 0:26:27It's... It's so great!
0:26:28 > 0:26:33He's so happy, and she looks like the grumpiest bulldog ever.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38I tell you what, I could watch this man for hours.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56It's stand-up time. My next guest is part of the brilliant sketch group Jigsaw.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59He's equally funny on his own. Please welcome the wonderful Tom Craine.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03APPLAUSE
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Hello! Hello, are we well?
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Yes, good. It's a pleasure to be here.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15My name is Tom. It's nice to be here.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18This isn't my first time on telly.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22I have a claim to fame. I am sure most of you know this already.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24You know, sir, I can tell.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26When I, when I was seven,
0:27:26 > 0:27:32I was a soloist on the Songs Of Praise Christmas special.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Thank you, thank you!
0:27:35 > 0:27:36In the same year,
0:27:36 > 0:27:39I released an album called Beautiful Or What
0:27:39 > 0:27:42and the press replied, "What."
0:27:42 > 0:27:43However, and this is no lie,
0:27:43 > 0:27:47it was Princess Diana's favourite album, and that won't change.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51AUDIENCE GROANS
0:27:52 > 0:27:55She died, remember.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59Who would like to hear a bit of this album? Give me a cheer. Thank you.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03This song came number three in the German classical chart when I was seven.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Bearing in mind my competition with David Hasselhoff,
0:28:06 > 0:28:07slightly less impressive.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11But it was Jingle Bells in Spanish and it goes as follows.
0:28:11 > 0:28:16HE SINGS IN SPANISH
0:28:24 > 0:28:27APPLAUSE
0:28:29 > 0:28:34What's quite depressing is that gets more applause than my carefully honed material I have.
0:28:34 > 0:28:38It's my parents that shoved me into choir when I was younger.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40My parents are weird people.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42One thing that amazes me about my parents is
0:28:42 > 0:28:46they consistently get my name wrong.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48How do parents manage that?
0:28:48 > 0:28:50If I had difficulty pushing something out of me,
0:28:50 > 0:28:53I would remember what I had called it.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56I did a rather awkward poo in the '90s,
0:28:56 > 0:28:58I still refer to it as Reluctant Steve.
0:29:00 > 0:29:05Reluctant Steve was 95% sweetcorn and the stay-at-home type.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07But my parents' life is full of confusion.
0:29:07 > 0:29:12An example - my mum recently heard about my huge phone bill
0:29:12 > 0:29:18and, in an effort to help, sent me three blank text messages to use.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24I had to fill in and send on,
0:29:24 > 0:29:27"Hi, Mum, why have you sent me those?"
0:29:27 > 0:29:29She said, "I never get through them, dear.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32"I thought you'd have better luck."
0:29:32 > 0:29:34The world's nicest woman.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37I went to a park with my mum, and an elderly couple went past
0:29:37 > 0:29:40with their arthritic sausage dog, and my mum turned to me
0:29:40 > 0:29:44and said, "What they've done there, dear, they've over-walked it."
0:29:45 > 0:29:50Clearly, my mum thinks sausage dogs start about waist height!
0:29:50 > 0:29:54And they're worn down like Parmesan throughout the years.
0:29:54 > 0:29:59They're finally being dragged around likes slugs on their front
0:29:59 > 0:30:02with only nipples for traction.
0:30:02 > 0:30:04My dad's view of animals is even weirder.
0:30:04 > 0:30:08He said recently, "Have you read that story about the guy who was trampled by a bull?"
0:30:08 > 0:30:11I said, "No, I haven't seen that."
0:30:11 > 0:30:15"It goes to show you can't trust animals nowadays."
0:30:15 > 0:30:18"Nowadays", as if once you could leave your baby with a bull,
0:30:18 > 0:30:19and it would be fine.
0:30:19 > 0:30:23Returned to find it suckled with its nappy changed.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25Gone are the days you could take a bull to a china shop
0:30:25 > 0:30:30and it would simply do a stock check.
0:30:30 > 0:30:31But my brother is exactly the same.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34My brother, worryingly, has just had his first kid.
0:30:34 > 0:30:38We have this thing in my family that, when a new child is born,
0:30:38 > 0:30:41the father always buys a gift they keep throughout their life.
0:30:41 > 0:30:45My brother has bought his first-born Police Academy 1...
0:30:47 > 0:30:49..on VHS.
0:30:50 > 0:30:51It's a bold choice.
0:30:51 > 0:30:56If you ask me, the best movie ever made is a Muppets Christmas Carol.
0:30:56 > 0:30:58CHEERING
0:30:58 > 0:31:00There's two types of people in life -
0:31:00 > 0:31:04those who like a Muppets Christmas Carol, and those who hit their partners.
0:31:06 > 0:31:10That's all that exist, and you do need to know this.
0:31:10 > 0:31:14My brother, for his honeymoon, decided to go skiing.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17He's never been skiing before and he doesn't have any kit.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19His wife asked a family friend for him.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22The family friend she asked was Amy Williams,
0:31:22 > 0:31:26the gold medal-winning Winter Olympian.
0:31:26 > 0:31:30Only when my brother got to the Alps did he realise his kit
0:31:30 > 0:31:32was the official Great Britain skiing kit.
0:31:32 > 0:31:36And when he went out for his first ever skiing lesson,
0:31:36 > 0:31:41a crowd gathered expectantly, and two minutes later,
0:31:41 > 0:31:43when he face-planted the snow,
0:31:43 > 0:31:48he heard someone say, "And that's why they only won one gold."
0:31:48 > 0:31:51Now, I needed this, because in the same month that my brother
0:31:51 > 0:31:53got married, I split up with my long-term girlfriend.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56- Can I have a slightly patronising "Ahh"?- Ahh.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59Quite insincere, but bless you, that's good.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01I think it's worth saying we were together for three years...
0:32:01 > 0:32:05what had kept us together wasn't hot sex, any of that nonsense,
0:32:05 > 0:32:08it was our love of a nap. That's what kept us tight.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11People have their favourite positions in bed, missionary, whatever.
0:32:11 > 0:32:15Mine is spooning with zero penetration.
0:32:15 > 0:32:18I like Diagnosis Murder and body warmth,
0:32:18 > 0:32:21that's where I'm at my happiest.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24Now, I've been thinking a bit about love in my single years -
0:32:24 > 0:32:26months, rather - it's kind of...
0:32:26 > 0:32:29First of all, what I can make out, when it comes to love,
0:32:29 > 0:32:32we're all just bell-ends desperately searching for that one person
0:32:32 > 0:32:35who'll fail to notice.
0:32:35 > 0:32:37And men are pretty simple things.
0:32:37 > 0:32:39Men want to kiss someone prettier than them
0:32:39 > 0:32:42and not be found dead in front of porn.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47I actually think porn degrades women.
0:32:47 > 0:32:50What I like to do is take a blank piece of A4 before listing
0:32:50 > 0:32:53female achievements throughout the centuries and climaxing across that.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59The single life in general is quite depressing.
0:32:59 > 0:33:03What I find depressing about the single life is that
0:33:03 > 0:33:06when today's children one day ask their parents where they met,
0:33:06 > 0:33:09the answer will probably be, Tiger Tiger.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12And the father will say, "Yes, I remember the first time
0:33:12 > 0:33:15"I saw your mother, she was downing Jagerbombs and crying.
0:33:17 > 0:33:21"But what first struck me was that she was attainable.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23"And you know me, son,
0:33:23 > 0:33:26"I'll never forget her first words - she lent over and said,
0:33:26 > 0:33:29" 'You... Who the fuck are you?'
0:33:29 > 0:33:34"And then danced in that way that only someone missing a shoe can."
0:33:34 > 0:33:37Basically, with dating, it's easy if you're attractive,
0:33:37 > 0:33:38you're an attractive front row,
0:33:38 > 0:33:40you have superior faces, it'll be fine.
0:33:40 > 0:33:45I've got a face like Belgium, nobody's particularly interested.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47I have come to accept that.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50I don't believe the beautiful people who say they had it hard at school.
0:33:50 > 0:33:53My friend, John Bird, was not beautiful and he was bullied.
0:33:53 > 0:33:58He had his trousers stolen when he was on the toilet.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00Turned up at the doorway of maths,
0:34:00 > 0:34:04wearing just his SuperTed underpants and said,
0:34:04 > 0:34:09"This is not funny." And the class disagreed.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12The class thought it was the funniest thing they'd ever seen.
0:34:12 > 0:34:14You see, John Bird and me and my mates were dweebs.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16Anyone here a dweeb? Give me a cheer. CHEERING
0:34:16 > 0:34:19Here's an example, if I ever leave a room with a witty comment,
0:34:19 > 0:34:24I return two minutes later cos I've forgotten my bag. I'm that guy.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27When I was 17, I used to wear a salmon pink t-shirt that read
0:34:27 > 0:34:32"National Asthmatics Association - It Ain't Easy Being Wheezy".
0:34:33 > 0:34:35And girls would look at me and think,
0:34:35 > 0:34:39"Ooh, he looks nice... but I won't be kissing him."
0:34:39 > 0:34:44Despite this, on my 18th birthday, I found myself in bed with a lady.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46Now, that's to be expected,
0:34:46 > 0:34:50because I'd taken her on a date to Thorpe Park, which is pretty sexy.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53Thorpe Park, which incidentally has a log flume that takes
0:34:53 > 0:34:56so long, there is a genuine risk of scurvy.
0:34:56 > 0:34:58It's incredible.
0:34:58 > 0:35:02Now, for me, one if the most nerve- racking things about first sharing
0:35:02 > 0:35:05a bed with someone is that time at three in the morning when you think,
0:35:05 > 0:35:08I really need a piss.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10And I need to leave the room
0:35:10 > 0:35:14without them noticing the parts of my body I'm least proud of.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17I'm sure that's not the case for everyone. I imagine Cristiano Ronaldo
0:35:17 > 0:35:21has a mirrored floor so he can show off his perineum.
0:35:23 > 0:35:28I found myself at three in the morning - half man, half piss -
0:35:28 > 0:35:31swelling like some disgruntled witchetty grub,
0:35:31 > 0:35:34thinking, I need to do something about this.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37So I charged from her bedroom down the corridor
0:35:37 > 0:35:39to the toilet at the end.
0:35:39 > 0:35:42I couldn't get the light on, getting more and more panicked, pressing
0:35:42 > 0:35:45all the combination of switches, getting more and more panicked.
0:35:45 > 0:35:50Until I noticed that that light switch was between two doors.
0:35:50 > 0:35:54And what I'd been doing for that past half minute was switching
0:35:54 > 0:35:58the lights on and off in her parents' bedroom.
0:36:02 > 0:36:08At which point, her father emerged and said, "What the hell is going on?"
0:36:08 > 0:36:10And I said, "I just really need a piss,"
0:36:10 > 0:36:13in a tone that suggested I'd been summoning for help.
0:36:13 > 0:36:18Like I expected him to guide my stream for me.
0:36:18 > 0:36:23Now, what's worst of all is that his wife was epileptic.
0:36:27 > 0:36:32She went into a seizure and she died, so, er...
0:36:32 > 0:36:34so not good with women.
0:36:35 > 0:36:38The most depressive thing about splitting up with my girlfriend.
0:36:38 > 0:36:41A, she's a lovely person, we're still best mates, it's all good.
0:36:41 > 0:36:43But secondly, I've had to move house.
0:36:43 > 0:36:46Now, I now live in a place called Turnpike Lane.
0:36:46 > 0:36:50This is how nice Turnpike Lane is - there was a drive-by shooting
0:36:50 > 0:36:52outside my house about a month and a half ago.
0:36:52 > 0:36:56The day after this, a policeman turned up at my doorway and said,
0:36:56 > 0:37:00"Hello, sir. We're just visiting residents to reassure them
0:37:00 > 0:37:02"that yesterday's violence was gang on gang."
0:37:02 > 0:37:05And I said, "Reassure me?!"
0:37:05 > 0:37:10So that's the two most violent groups in the area at war,
0:37:10 > 0:37:12and he said, "Technically, sir, there are four of them."
0:37:12 > 0:37:16So I said, "So, it's gang on gang on gang on gang?"
0:37:16 > 0:37:18Like Hungry Hippos.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21And he said, "The point is, sir, they're not targeting civilians."
0:37:21 > 0:37:23I said, "How the hell can you tell I'm a civilian?"
0:37:23 > 0:37:26He said, "To be fair, your slippers are shaped like Kermit the frog."
0:37:26 > 0:37:29I said, "That's a good point. Consider me reassured.
0:37:29 > 0:37:33"And have you seen The Muppets Christmas Carol? It's fantastic."
0:37:33 > 0:37:36I spend a lot of my time travelling around the country,
0:37:36 > 0:37:38moving or just with this job. That's kind of what you do.
0:37:38 > 0:37:40I'll tell you a story.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42I don't drive, I spend a lot of time on trains.
0:37:42 > 0:37:45I had a gig in Weston-super-Mare. Delightful place.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47Here's an example of the standard of the gig -
0:37:47 > 0:37:50they were selling condoms with the British flag printed on them,
0:37:50 > 0:37:53which is nice, if you like the idea of wearing one of those,
0:37:53 > 0:37:56having sex with a girl and her lying back and saying,
0:37:56 > 0:37:58"I'm the Middle East, treat me like you will."
0:37:59 > 0:38:02Of course, it would be your duty to refuse to withdraw
0:38:02 > 0:38:04till you'd ruined everything.
0:38:06 > 0:38:09I was stood at Weston-super-Mare station, the day after this gig,
0:38:09 > 0:38:12and the train in front of me had switched on its engines,
0:38:12 > 0:38:14getting ready to leave the platform.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17Down at the other end of the platform, a bit of a kerfuffle,
0:38:17 > 0:38:22and this man threw himself onto the tracks in a suicide bid.
0:38:22 > 0:38:25However, he had misjudged which way
0:38:25 > 0:38:27the train would be leaving the platform.
0:38:29 > 0:38:33So all that happened was the train backed gingerly away
0:38:33 > 0:38:36from a man weeping on the tracks.
0:38:36 > 0:38:39All these happy faces going, "See ya!"
0:38:39 > 0:38:42Like some awkward metaphor for his existence.
0:38:42 > 0:38:45Now, I thought that would be the most depressing thing
0:38:45 > 0:38:48I'd see at a train station until I was at Paddington
0:38:48 > 0:38:51very, very recently, on one of those really long escalators
0:38:51 > 0:38:54that make you feel like you're going to heaven.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57Like God is going to be at the top, judging you for your day's work.
0:38:57 > 0:39:01Now, about 15 steps ahead of me was an incredibly smartly dressed
0:39:01 > 0:39:03businessmen on his way home from work.
0:39:03 > 0:39:06And all of a sudden, he did
0:39:06 > 0:39:09the largest fart I have ever heard!
0:39:09 > 0:39:10Incredible!
0:39:10 > 0:39:12And I thought, "That's funny,"
0:39:12 > 0:39:15but then I thought, "I'm on an escalator.
0:39:17 > 0:39:20"I'm going to go through that."
0:39:21 > 0:39:24So I waited for this invisible wall to smack me in the face.
0:39:24 > 0:39:28I then stood at the top, grinning as more confused commuters got on,
0:39:28 > 0:39:33which, as my friend rightly pointed out, made me look like the culprit.
0:39:34 > 0:39:38Like I was expecting a high-five for my good deeds.
0:39:38 > 0:39:40You see, my life seems to be this.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42My life seems to be pretty much me flitting
0:39:42 > 0:39:46from twatish moment to twatish moment. That's all it is.
0:39:46 > 0:39:50Moments of idiocy followed by moments of idiocy, broken up by meals.
0:39:50 > 0:39:52That's all I seem to be.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54"I've offended someone! Oh, a jacket potato."
0:39:56 > 0:39:58"A broken vase! Quiche."
0:39:58 > 0:39:59That is my life.
0:39:59 > 0:40:01Now, here's an example.
0:40:01 > 0:40:05I was recently asked to write a sitcom and I sent in my first scripts
0:40:05 > 0:40:08by e-mail to the producer and I sent her a text to let her know.
0:40:08 > 0:40:13The text said, "Hi, Liana, just to say these scripts are on their way.
0:40:13 > 0:40:16"A little treat from me. Thomas, X."
0:40:16 > 0:40:19I then checked my outbox, and unfortunately when you type
0:40:19 > 0:40:22the word "scripts" into predictive text,
0:40:22 > 0:40:25the word you get...
0:40:25 > 0:40:27is "rapists".
0:40:31 > 0:40:32So...
0:40:32 > 0:40:36what I actually sent to one of the key BBC comedy producers was,
0:40:36 > 0:40:39"Hi, Liana, just to say the rapists are on their way.
0:40:39 > 0:40:43"A little treat from me.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45"Thomas, X."
0:40:45 > 0:40:47And I thought, "I'll rectify this using language."
0:40:47 > 0:40:49I sent another text which said,
0:40:49 > 0:40:52"Hi, Liana, can't confirm if the rapists are on their way,
0:40:52 > 0:40:54"but then again, you never know."
0:40:55 > 0:40:59Smiley face, with sunglasses - which is innately predatory.
0:41:01 > 0:41:04I made it even worse, because in an effort not to come across
0:41:04 > 0:41:07as a liar, I have arranged to have her sexually assaulted.
0:41:07 > 0:41:09So...
0:41:09 > 0:41:12You've been absolutely delightful, you've been very lovely.
0:41:12 > 0:41:15I've been Tom Craine. I wish you all well, bye-bye.
0:41:15 > 0:41:16APPLAUSE
0:41:16 > 0:41:22Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Tom Craine!
0:41:24 > 0:41:27Thank you very much for watching Good News. Good night.
0:41:27 > 0:41:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:43 > 0:41:46Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd