0:00:03 > 0:00:10This programme contains strong language.
0:00:21 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Hello and welcome to Good News.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31One of the great things about doing this show -
0:00:31 > 0:00:33I meet loads of comedians I've watched and, basically,
0:00:33 > 0:00:37seen being really funny over the years and I can show them to you.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40This is a special edition looking at some of my favourites. Enjoy.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44- HE SHOUTS:- Good evening, Russell Howard's Good News!
0:00:44 > 0:00:45CHEERING
0:00:45 > 0:00:48- Are you all right?- Yeah!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51- Are you all right? Louder!- Yeah!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53- Are you all right?- Yeah.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56- Are you all right? Louder!- Yeah.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58- Are you all right?- Yeah.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Let's kick this in the dick!
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes?
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Do you like jokes? Answer me!
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Yeah.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14You're in luck, mate. I've got six of 'em.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Let's do this.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20CHEERING
0:01:20 > 0:01:23I won a swimsuit contest.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24CHEERING
0:01:24 > 0:01:27I ate 57 swimsuits.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34You lucky, lucky people.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Does anyone else think that Tim Rice
0:01:36 > 0:01:39and Tim Curry should get together and open up an Indian takeaway?
0:01:41 > 0:01:45They could call it Tim's. It would be ideal.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47You're welcome.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Do you think Mr T likes wearing all that jewellery
0:01:52 > 0:01:56or do you think he was just paranoid about being burgled?
0:01:56 > 0:01:59OH. MY. GOD.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02This is happening.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05This is the act. Get on board.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08All right? Lightning doesn't shoot out of my dick.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10It doesn't get any better than this.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16My mate was in the Army. He ate all the pudding rations.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18He got shot for DESSERTing.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21In the Bigg Market, right,
0:02:21 > 0:02:26there's a place that does a thing called Mr Rupali's Curry Challenge.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28You might have heard of this,
0:02:28 > 0:02:32this is essentially the hottest curry in the world, right.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35And the challenge is you go there, you order it, you eat it.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37If you finish it, you get it for free.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41There's a slight chance - slight chance, however -
0:02:41 > 0:02:43that you might die.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46You have to sign something. It's ridiculous, right.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Me mate, one night, me and me mate were having a pint and me mate went,
0:02:49 > 0:02:53"Hey, Ramsey, I think I can do this Curry Challenge, you know."
0:02:53 > 0:02:57And I went, "I think you can as well."
0:02:58 > 0:03:00"Shall we get in a taxi?"
0:03:00 > 0:03:03We went down to this place, I knew it was going to be amazing
0:03:03 > 0:03:05cos he said these words, he went,
0:03:05 > 0:03:08"Right, with stuff like this, piece of piss.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11"All you've got to do is eat it as fast as you can,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14"and worry about the consequences later."
0:03:14 > 0:03:17I went, "That sounds spot-on, mate."
0:03:17 > 0:03:21Sat down, he inhaled it, bang, it was gone, whoomph, and he was fine.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23He was ab... He was spot-on.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26For about 35 seconds.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Then he was in a bit of a plight.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29He was sitting there going, "Ah, piece of piss.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31FLUSTERED BREATHING
0:03:31 > 0:03:35"Hoo!" He started shaking, he started sweating, his vision went blurry.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38A bead of sweat rolled down his forehead, down his nose,
0:03:38 > 0:03:42joined with one of his own tears, rolled onto his top lip.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44He licked it, it tasted like curry, right.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47The spices were leaving his body immediately.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49He went outside to lie down on the park bench,
0:03:49 > 0:03:52cos that's how you solve a problem in Newcastle.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Park bench - everything's champion, right.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Put a paper on your mate, you'll be all right, you'll be spot-on.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Next door to this restaurant, right, you can Google this, it's true.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Next door to this restaurant, there is a Greek restaurant.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Lying on a park bench, sweating, shaking,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10through his curry-glazed vision, he just went, "YOGHURT!"
0:04:10 > 0:04:14He got up and he went into this restaurant, right.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Now, the reason I mention that it's such a scummy area
0:04:18 > 0:04:21is because the staff in these establishments
0:04:21 > 0:04:22will take no shit from anyone.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25If you walk in in the middle of the night sweating,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28shouting about yoghurt, you are going to get a slap, right.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31He walked in, he went, "I need some yoghurt!"
0:04:31 > 0:04:34This massive bloke went, "Get out, mate. We're closed."
0:04:34 > 0:04:36He went, "No! I need some yoghurt!"
0:04:36 > 0:04:38He went, "Get out, mate. We're closed.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40"I am not going to tell you again."
0:04:40 > 0:04:42He went, "No, please."
0:04:42 > 0:04:44The guy ran up, grabbed me mate by the scruff of the neck,
0:04:44 > 0:04:46smashed him up against the wall.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50Me mate went, "Please, man, I've just done the Curry Challenge."
0:04:50 > 0:04:51The bloke went,
0:04:51 > 0:04:54"GET THE YOGHURT!"
0:04:55 > 0:04:58I was a very, very creepy child.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01There's no easy way of getting into that.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05I was one of those children that when people saw them, they went, "Urgh, God!"
0:05:05 > 0:05:09And, contrary to popular opinion, I wasn't sort of those quiet and kill-y children.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I was very loud and mental. I'd sort of run in, go,
0:05:12 > 0:05:14"All right, yeah? My dad drives a helicopter.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16"Prove he don't."
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Really annoying, really weird, creepy child.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22But as I've got older, you know, I've become very socially adept.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24I'm very normal now. Like, I'm really socially adept.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26If I met you, sir, I'd be like,
0:05:26 > 0:05:28"Hello, how are you? Would you like a cup of tea?"
0:05:28 > 0:05:29Bang, done.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32The only time the true core of myself comes out
0:05:32 > 0:05:35is when I meet someone that I'm attracted to.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Then old Creepy McCreepson comes back.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40It's really bad.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43And when I say creepy, I don't mean in a sort of bumbling,
0:05:43 > 0:05:45but ultimately endearing, kind of Meg Ryan way.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47I mean fucking creepy.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50My friend Caroline said,
0:05:50 > 0:05:54"It makes the hairs on my arm stand up to watch."
0:05:54 > 0:05:56I was at a party recently in North London.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59It was a massive house and I was talking to this guy
0:05:59 > 0:06:01and, after about five minutes, I thought,
0:06:01 > 0:06:04"Oh, what's this feeling I'm experiencing? Attraction?"
0:06:04 > 0:06:05That's fine.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08After about ten minutes, I knew Creepy was waking up,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11cos I found myself talking quite a lot about cheese.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13And I don't know anything about cheese.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16I thought, "Maybe it's not... No, he's not back.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18"No, he's not back, he's not back."
0:06:18 > 0:06:2015 minutes into it, Creepy was running things.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23I was talking to this guy doing this,
0:06:23 > 0:06:26like some horny gazelle about to leap at him,
0:06:26 > 0:06:29still banging on about cheese, like,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31"There's other cheeses, there's other cheeses,"
0:06:31 > 0:06:34and I thought to myself, "What shall I do? How shall I make this...?"
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Normally I'd be like, "I've just got myself into a funny position. Ha-ha."
0:06:38 > 0:06:40But, of course, Creepy went, "I'm going to give you nuffink."
0:06:40 > 0:06:43There was music coming from another part of the house,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45very, very vague music.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Creepy went, "Pretend you're dancing."
0:06:47 > 0:06:52So I started clicking along to this music, just clicking.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54"Cheese, I've had feta - it gives me wind."
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Do you know what music was playing?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Reggae.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02No-one in the history of the world has ever clicked to reggae.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05"Yeah, yeah, I've had cheese on pizza. I've had cheese on pizza.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07"That's quite nice. Um, yeah, there's...
0:07:07 > 0:07:11"What other cheeses have I had? What other cheeses have I had?"
0:07:11 > 0:07:14And the horror of what's happening - cos I'm very socially adept -
0:07:14 > 0:07:16the horror of what's happening is killing me
0:07:16 > 0:07:19and I just start sweating profusely, literally dripping.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21I looked like Mickey Rourke from The Wrestler.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Then one trickle of sweat slowly starts coming down my face.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Could have wiped it away like a human being but Creepy was running things.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30I went...
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Caught it with my own mouth like some horrible lizard woman.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46And that is one of the many reasons I will die alone.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50A few summers ago, I went on a tour with a bunch of bands.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53And, before the tour started, I wanted to go online,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56check these bands out, to get an idea who I'd be working with.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I was looking at one band.
0:07:58 > 0:08:03Every show, the lead from this band put the microphone in his ass.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04So I was concerned.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I e-mailed the promoter, said,
0:08:06 > 0:08:10"Hey, man, what's up with this dude putting a microphone in his ass?"
0:08:10 > 0:08:12He e-mailed me back and said, "Don't worry.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15"Microphone-in-the-ass-guy brings his own microphone."
0:08:15 > 0:08:18As he should bring his own microphone,
0:08:18 > 0:08:20but I'm sure it didn't start out like that.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22It probably took complaints from other performers.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25"Hey, man, I don't want to be a diva or anything
0:08:25 > 0:08:27"but this guy just totally had the microphone in his ass,
0:08:27 > 0:08:31"so is there a way that we can get a spare microphone,
0:08:31 > 0:08:34"or is there a special spray we could put on that microphone
0:08:34 > 0:08:36"to make it less ass-y?
0:08:36 > 0:08:37"I don't want to be a diva."
0:08:37 > 0:08:40But they would put on a live show. Their show was good.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Every show, the lead would take a garbage can full of pub garbage
0:08:43 > 0:08:45and throw it on the head of his drummer.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48And the drummer just kept drumming with a garbage can on his head,
0:08:48 > 0:08:50garbage all over his body. It was disgusting.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53He would keep the beat and everything. He was a professional.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55My favourite show was in Montreal.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59During this, somebody else from the crowd took the garbage can
0:08:59 > 0:09:02off the drummer's head and put it on his own head.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04I don't know why he did that cos, immediately after,
0:09:04 > 0:09:08somebody else from the crowd punched him in his garbage-can head
0:09:08 > 0:09:10and he fell to the ground, bloody.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12And I tell you why that happened.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15That's because, when you put a garbage can on your head,
0:09:15 > 0:09:19it limits your peripheral vision about 100%.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22You're very open to these type of attacks.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24That's why I never put garbage cans on my head,
0:09:24 > 0:09:27cos I always need to know what's going on around me.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31I can't maintain that level of awareness with a garbage can on my head.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33I just know myself like that.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36I felt bad for the guy because it happened so fast
0:09:36 > 0:09:39that he didn't even get to enjoy having a garbage can on his head.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41His two consecutive thoughts were,
0:09:41 > 0:09:43"I have a garbage can on my head!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46"Man, I regret putting that garbage can on my head."
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Here's a good question.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51I was wondering for ages the other day,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54what took so long with the invention of suitcase wheels?
0:09:58 > 0:10:02It's a genuinely good question, but some of the young people
0:10:02 > 0:10:05haven't got a clue what I'm talking about.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08You know suitcases? We used to have to pick them up
0:10:08 > 0:10:10and fucking carry them,
0:10:10 > 0:10:12even when they were heavy.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16We'd carry them about like that. Not now. Not your generation.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Now they've all got little wheels at the bottom.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22This is mind-blowing if you think about this for long enough.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23How long did the suitcase
0:10:23 > 0:10:26and the wheel exist entirely separately for,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29before some genius inventor thought,
0:10:29 > 0:10:32"We could pop those two together and save on a bit of back-break,
0:10:32 > 0:10:35"and probably make a few pounds in the process"?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37That is a change that occurred in my lifetime.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Did we really conquer space travel
0:10:40 > 0:10:43before we put the suitcase and the wheel together?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46It seems an absurd set of priorities for the human species.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Surely we should have had the wheelie suitcase
0:10:49 > 0:10:52before we had a fully-functioning spaceship.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56If nothing else, it could have helped them load up.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58So I tend to buy my clothes from charity shops.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- That's all right, innit?- Yeah.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02I mean, not Oxfam. I'm not made of money. Jesus!
0:11:02 > 0:11:04I was in a charity shop the other day, right,
0:11:04 > 0:11:07and I knew I must have been looking pretty rough
0:11:07 > 0:11:11when this woman handed me a leaflet called The Truth About Drugs.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Had a little read, though, and I'll share with you what it said on the first page.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18It said, word for word, "Taking drugs has a liability.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20"It can affect the way your mind works."
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Yeah, I don't do drugs but I am pretty sure that's an asset.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27I don't think anyone's been up all night taking cocaine,
0:11:27 > 0:11:29got up the next morning and gone, "Do you know what?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31"Didn't like the way that gave me confidence
0:11:31 > 0:11:33"and made me forget all my troubles.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36"Not going to stop taking it, though, cos I really like nosebleeds."
0:11:37 > 0:11:41I've been trying to look after myself a bit more but it's hard, innit?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Go to the gym but that's boring.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Is it just me or would you be more likely to go to the gym
0:11:46 > 0:11:49if they were like they were at school, with wall bars and ropes?
0:11:49 > 0:11:50It's way more fun, isn't it?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Or is that just cos I'm a girl
0:11:52 > 0:11:55and we had quite a voyage of discovery on those ropes, didn't we, ladies?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Boys are looking at me blankly
0:11:57 > 0:12:00but the girls know exactly what I'm talking about, don't you?
0:12:00 > 0:12:01I went to an all-girls school -
0:12:01 > 0:12:05some days you couldn't get on them, the queue was round the playground.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I'm trying to find a sport I like but I'm not a very sporty person.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I mean, my mum plays golf but that's not a sport, is it?
0:12:10 > 0:12:14You can't call something a sport if you're so unlikely to break into a sweat,
0:12:14 > 0:12:16you could play it wearing a jumper.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19I like crazy golf. That's fun. I'll do a bit of crazy golf.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22They're missing a trick. Why aren't they doing this with other sports?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25I'd play cricket if I had to run up and down a seesaw to get a run.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29As it is, the only sport I am any good at is badminton
0:12:29 > 0:12:31but then, you know, anyone can hit a ball
0:12:31 > 0:12:34when it's attached to its own parachute, can't they?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37I'm very bad at seducing ladies, you know.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41One of my main problems is I'm very bad at giving the eye.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44It's a skill I've never mastered, giving the eye, right.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46I tried to do it the other day in the cafe.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49There was me and this girl sitting there, no-one else there.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52I thought, "I'll give her a bit of the eye."
0:12:52 > 0:12:53So I started looking at her, right.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I can do eye contact, that first bit, eye contact.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59I can do that but the crucial thing is the smile, right.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Because if you don't do the smile, it's just...
0:13:14 > 0:13:17So the smile, the smile is crucial.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18I was looking at her and I thought,
0:13:18 > 0:13:21"I'm going to do the smile. I'm going to do the smile,"
0:13:21 > 0:13:22but I chickened out.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24When it came to the moment of smiling,
0:13:24 > 0:13:27I chickened out and I looked away, I looked down.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30But this was the pathetic bit.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I then thought to myself, "Maybe it's not too late.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37"Maybe it's not too late for the smile.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40"Maybe I can still do the smile after I've looked down
0:13:40 > 0:13:43"and it'll have a sort of retrospective smile effect."
0:13:43 > 0:13:46So this is what happened when I gave her the eye.
0:14:00 > 0:14:05APPLAUSE
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Now, one of the many problems with this
0:14:11 > 0:14:15is that it looked as if I was picturing her murder.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Basically, right, my whole life...
0:14:18 > 0:14:21babies have stared at me.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Right...
0:14:27 > 0:14:30But I was on the bus the other day with my friend, and my friend...
0:14:30 > 0:14:33There were five or six babies on the bus and my friend looked around,
0:14:33 > 0:14:35and they were all staring at me, obviously...
0:14:35 > 0:14:39My friend looked around the bus and she went, "Er, Joe...
0:14:41 > 0:14:43"..all the babies...
0:14:43 > 0:14:47"on this bus are staring at you!"
0:14:47 > 0:14:50I went, "Yeah, I know, it happens, yeah."
0:14:52 > 0:14:54She went, "Really?" I went, "Yeah, this always happens."
0:14:54 > 0:14:57She went, "Bit weird." I went, "Er, you know."
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Got off - about an hour later, got on another bus,
0:14:59 > 0:15:02on my own, and there was a baby on that bus,
0:15:02 > 0:15:06and it wasn't staring at me, and I thought, "Ooh, that's weird."
0:15:06 > 0:15:10Right? But then, I saw the baby do this - I saw the baby go...
0:15:18 > 0:15:20And I swear to God, at that point, I thought,
0:15:20 > 0:15:22"Still got it!"
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Actually, I lived in the UK once before,
0:15:26 > 0:15:29I lived in London a couple of years ago,
0:15:29 > 0:15:32and this is probably the strangest thing that happened at that time.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34I was hanging out on Liverpool Street in east London,
0:15:34 > 0:15:37looking for Brick Lane, which was close, but I couldn't find it.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39I kept going around in circles, and I saw this woman,
0:15:39 > 0:15:41asked her if she knew where Brick Lane was,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44and she didn't know - not a big deal, right?
0:15:44 > 0:15:48I'm about to walk away when she grabbed me, looked me in the eye,
0:15:48 > 0:15:50and said, "Excuse me, do you go to church?"
0:15:50 > 0:15:54I thought she meant, do I go to her church? "No, I'm sorry, I don't."
0:15:54 > 0:15:57She's like, "OK. Because I go to church,
0:15:57 > 0:16:00"and I believe in Jesus Christ, and I think you should
0:16:00 > 0:16:02"believe in Jesus as well." Wow!
0:16:02 > 0:16:05How did you get from this part of the conversation...
0:16:05 > 0:16:08to that part of the conversation so quickly?
0:16:08 > 0:16:11It's like she thought to herself,
0:16:11 > 0:16:13"Ah! He does not know where Brick Lane is.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17"Clearly, he is lost in all aspects of his life.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20"I will help him.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22"Jesus - perhaps you've heard the name before?"
0:16:22 > 0:16:25"Yeah, perhaps. That name has gotten around,
0:16:25 > 0:16:28"mostly through word of mouth and pamphlets and...
0:16:28 > 0:16:31"bullets were used at some point, I believe. Yes, I'm familiar
0:16:31 > 0:16:33"with this Jesus figure - he looks like Bjorn Borg.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36"We discussed this earlier, he looks like a Swedish tennis player."
0:16:36 > 0:16:39I think she meant well, but it was kind of annoying,
0:16:39 > 0:16:41and I wanted to end it, but I wanted to be polite.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43She was being nice enough, and I said, "Excuse me, miss -
0:16:43 > 0:16:47"thank you very much, but I'm a Hindu, all right?
0:16:47 > 0:16:48"I'm taken, all right?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51"I have a box to check."
0:16:51 > 0:16:54And it didn't matter, and I know it didn't matter, because she said,
0:16:54 > 0:16:56"It doesn't matter!
0:16:56 > 0:16:59"It doesn't matter what you are, or who you are,
0:16:59 > 0:17:01"Jesus loves you. Jesus loves me,
0:17:01 > 0:17:04"Jesus gives me strength, Jesus gives me direction."
0:17:04 > 0:17:08"Oh, OK. Well, then, can you ask Jesus where Brick Lane is...?"
0:17:08 > 0:17:11APPLAUSE
0:17:11 > 0:17:13I don't know if anyone else does this -
0:17:13 > 0:17:16it never ceases to amaze me, the hour of the day I will stay up till
0:17:16 > 0:17:20to watch a film, just because it's on television,
0:17:20 > 0:17:22even though I've got it on DVD!
0:17:22 > 0:17:24GIGGLING
0:17:24 > 0:17:26What the fuck is that all about?
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Like, it's better with adverts in it or something?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32I was once two hours late for work, because I'd stayed up, ironically,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35to watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off!
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I've been watching a lot of daytime television as well,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42I've got a lot of time to kill during the day, I'm at home...
0:17:42 > 0:17:44I watched a programme for the first time called "Flog It!".
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- I don't know if anyone's seen this. - WOMAN IN AUDIENCE:- Hey!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49You sound like you enjoyed it a lot more than I did.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Let me say this about "Flog It!".
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Firstly, there's an hour of my life I'll never get back.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57It wasn't what I was expecting when I tuned in, if I'm honest.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00I saw "Flog It!" in the Radio Times, I thought, "Ooh, hello!
0:18:00 > 0:18:04"Daytime television's livened up - a bit of afternoon S&M on BBC One."
0:18:04 > 0:18:07It didn't turn out to be quite the sort of "Flog It!" they had in mind.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10"Flog It!", for those of you who haven't seen it, works like this -
0:18:10 > 0:18:14people bring in stuff they think is going to be worth money -
0:18:14 > 0:18:17old stuff, it tends to be, antiques, that kind of thing.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19They've got a team of experts on there
0:18:19 > 0:18:22who evaluate the object, and then, based on what they think it's worth,
0:18:22 > 0:18:25the person that's brought it in has to decide whether
0:18:25 > 0:18:28to take it to an auction, sell it off, flog it, basically -
0:18:28 > 0:18:30hence the title.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32I'd never seen it before. There was a guy sat there,
0:18:32 > 0:18:36looking very happy with himself, with a big antique vase.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38The professional says, "Hello, welcome to the show,
0:18:38 > 0:18:41"what's the story with the vase, where did you get it?"
0:18:41 > 0:18:43He goes, "Well, it's a funny story, actually.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46"My girlfriend works in a hotel, they got a new manager and...
0:18:46 > 0:18:48"out with the old, in with the new."
0:18:50 > 0:18:53I thought, "Either I've missed something,
0:18:53 > 0:18:54"or he's fuckin' nicked that!"
0:18:54 > 0:18:56I don't think national television
0:18:56 > 0:18:59is the place to be moving on stolen goods, mate!
0:18:59 > 0:19:02I don't think sticking in "Out with the old, in with the new"
0:19:02 > 0:19:05is going to throw everyone off the scent you've committed a crime!
0:19:05 > 0:19:07If it were that easy, we'd all be at it.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11"Welcome to A Place In The Sun. This week, we have Linda and Dave.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14"They're looking to invest £100,000 in a villa in Spain.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17"Linda, welcome - tell the audience how you raised the funds."
0:19:17 > 0:19:20"Well, it's a funny story, that, actually.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23"Dave was in HSBC at 9am the other day with a sawn-off shotgun, and...
0:19:23 > 0:19:27"the early bird catches the worm!"
0:19:27 > 0:19:30APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:19:30 > 0:19:34I find Canadians - I feel like such a giant in this country.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36I feel like Gandalf - you know what I mean?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Just, like around a bunch of Hobbits!
0:19:39 > 0:19:42I don't know what it is about being a tall woman
0:19:42 > 0:19:44that will always attract the smallest man.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49You see him from across the way, you think he might be the right height,
0:19:49 > 0:19:51but then he gets closer...
0:19:51 > 0:19:53and closer.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55And then he looks at you like he's going to climb a mountain,
0:19:55 > 0:19:58like, "Rrrr!"
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Like, you can't have what you can't reach!
0:20:01 > 0:20:04APPLAUSE
0:20:10 > 0:20:13That's why the cookies are on the top shelf.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20Terrible! You know what? One good thing about being a giant,
0:20:20 > 0:20:24I'm never afraid that anyone's ever going to drug my drink.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26If they have any foresight at all,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29how the fuck are they going to get me home?
0:20:29 > 0:20:34You'd have to get creative - there's a shopping trolley waiting!
0:20:34 > 0:20:38Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for my brand-new ventriloquism act!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40- Here we go! - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- Please!- Get ready for this!- What...?
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- # Duh, duh-duh, duh-duh... #- What are you putting the jacket on for?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- When I said dress smart, you could have...- Here we go!
0:20:49 > 0:20:50What the fuck is that?
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- Get ready!- What on earth is that?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Mate!
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Oh, hello!
0:20:57 > 0:20:59What is your name?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- "My name is Naughty Keith!" - Naughty Keith?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Oh...!
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- Have you not prepared anything? - I was making that!
0:21:06 > 0:21:07- Right.- Oh...
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Why do they call you Naughty Keith?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14"Cos I am right bloody naughty, me!"
0:21:14 > 0:21:16What is it? What IS that?
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Oh...
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- Wha...?- What naughty things have you done today?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22I don't even know what it is.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- "I poured petrol on a tramp and set fire to him."- No, mate, no...
0:21:25 > 0:21:27LAUGHTER No!
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- It's too much!- Keith - you shouldn't really do that!
0:21:29 > 0:21:32What...? This is Naughty Keith, I know that.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- Thank you.- What on earth is Naughty Keith?
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- Right - it's a little puppet. - Of what?!
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- Of a boy, clearly!- Of a...?!
0:21:39 > 0:21:43What's happened to him? It's really sad, awful!
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- You know that I like The Muppets. - Yeah.- Love The Muppets, right?
0:21:46 > 0:21:47- All right.- This is my one.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51- Going to take it to America, join The Muppets, make my fortune.- Right.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53# Ma-nah, ma-nah, duh-da, da-da-da! #
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- "Piss!"- "Piss"?- Yeah, piss...
0:21:55 > 0:21:58"Piss" is his catchphrase. "Piss!"
0:21:58 > 0:22:02- Piss?- They will all be saying it tomorrow.- They won't be, mate, no.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03Get it on a T-shirt -
0:22:03 > 0:22:05the word, not the thing.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08It's not... It's not going to fit in with The Muppets.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10- "Piss!"- It's not going to fit in with The Muppets at all.- Why?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13It looks like it might rape Kermit, I don't...
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- No, it'll be fine. "Piss!" - Stop saying piss!
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- "Piss! Piss!"- You're a terrible ventriloquist as well,
0:22:17 > 0:22:21it's not going to work, you're awful, your technique's terrible.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- AUDIENCE:- Aw! - No, shut up!
0:22:23 > 0:22:25He's a grown man!
0:22:26 > 0:22:30- It won't work.- Why?- The technique's awful, I can see your lips moving.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32- That is my voice!- I know!
0:22:32 > 0:22:34- That is me doing it!- No, I know!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Watch him. "Piss!"
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- Now watch me... Piss! It's me! - I do know. I can see that.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43How can I do it without moving my lips? That's like saying,
0:22:43 > 0:22:45"Oh, look over there, mate. But keep your eyes shut."
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Hang on, mate, second point on technique -
0:22:47 > 0:22:51you're supposed to be making that look like it's coming alive.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54When you're talking yourself, it's just down by your side,
0:22:54 > 0:22:56and you're making it talk upside down,
0:22:56 > 0:22:59and I just saw you use it to scratch your head with!
0:23:02 > 0:23:04- My hand is in it!- I know!
0:23:04 > 0:23:06- I think he thinks it's real! - No, I don't, mate!
0:23:06 > 0:23:09- "PISS!"- Stop saying piss!
0:23:09 > 0:23:12I think immaturity is an important thing to have in life in general.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15I think society these days teaches old people they need to look younger
0:23:15 > 0:23:17and young people they need to act older.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20The whole thing is tragic. Kids grow way too fast, these days.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23I remember seeing these little girls, 14 years old, messing about,
0:23:23 > 0:23:25minding their own, as you should.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Then one of the girls - apropos of nothing - just goes,
0:23:28 > 0:23:30"Danielle, yeah, Danielle?
0:23:30 > 0:23:33"You're 14 years old, how about you start acting like it?"
0:23:35 > 0:23:38I thought, when I was 14, I got bored on a Sunday morning
0:23:38 > 0:23:41and I put custard and my dad's slippers.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44LAUGHTER Did he notice? No, he did not.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47He was so hungover, he thought he had a foot infection.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51LAUGHTER Just emerging from the bedroom, like, "Ali, can you...?"
0:23:54 > 0:23:56"This is...
0:23:56 > 0:24:00"This is most peculiar. This is...
0:24:00 > 0:24:02"Hmm...
0:24:04 > 0:24:05"Sort of creamy...
0:24:07 > 0:24:09"Ali, I think I've got gout".
0:24:12 > 0:24:13Oh, yeah.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19# My friend Dave is a little bit square
0:24:19 > 0:24:20# Just like a fridge
0:24:23 > 0:24:27# My friend Dave hasn't got any hair just like a fridge
0:24:30 > 0:24:34# Dave doesn't listen to what you say
0:24:34 > 0:24:37# He likes to pretend that everything's OK
0:24:37 > 0:24:42# Dave keeps things the same way every day
0:24:42 > 0:24:43# Just like a fridge
0:24:45 > 0:24:47# Just like a fridge
0:24:50 > 0:24:55# My friend Dave is white just like a fridge
0:24:58 > 0:25:02# Dave doesn't wash so he gently hums just like a fridge
0:25:05 > 0:25:08# His light comes on when you open the door
0:25:08 > 0:25:12# You can only use Dave for what Dave is for
0:25:12 > 0:25:15# And Dave at a party is a bit of a bore
0:25:16 > 0:25:18# Just like a fridge
0:25:19 > 0:25:21# Just like a fridge
0:25:25 > 0:25:29# My friend Dave is cold inside just like a fridge
0:25:32 > 0:25:36# But he's warm if you touch him on the back just like a fridge
0:25:39 > 0:25:43# Dave's dad is called Eric and his mum is Joanne
0:25:43 > 0:25:47# Whilst travelling in East Asia their romance began
0:25:47 > 0:25:51# And that's how come Dave was made in Japan
0:25:51 > 0:25:53# Just like fridge
0:25:54 > 0:25:56# Just like a fridge
0:25:59 > 0:26:03# We thought that Dave would always be alone just like a fridge
0:26:07 > 0:26:10# Cos Dave is not very good at talking to girls
0:26:10 > 0:26:11# Just like a fridge
0:26:14 > 0:26:17# But then he found someone to call his own
0:26:17 > 0:26:21# We finally met her when he brought her home
0:26:21 > 0:26:25# But she couldn't quite fit into the living room
0:26:27 > 0:26:29# She was massive
0:26:29 > 0:26:31# Just like a fridge
0:26:32 > 0:26:34# Just like a fridge
0:26:36 > 0:26:38# Just like a fridge
0:26:42 > 0:26:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:45 > 0:26:49Kid came down my street, giving it the big one. Confidence times a million.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53Threw a crisp packet on the floor. I flag it, I say, "Excuse me, mate.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55"I live here. Do you mind picking that up?"
0:26:55 > 0:26:59He turns to me, confidence times a million and goes, "Why?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01"What are YOU, my dad or something?"
0:27:01 > 0:27:04I can tell by the look in his eyes not to force the issue,
0:27:04 > 0:27:07because he clearly doesn't know whether I'm his dad or not, right.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09I'm like, "Mate, pick it up".
0:27:09 > 0:27:13He does that thing which you see... He sort of stares at me.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17He's giving me the eyeballs, you know what I mean? Which we all know,
0:27:17 > 0:27:18we're all British.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20When a bloke stares at another bloke,
0:27:20 > 0:27:22it's because they want violence to ensue.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25We've all seen it, you know, "What you looking at?
0:27:25 > 0:27:27"What you looking at? What you looking at?"
0:27:27 > 0:27:31And you're sat there, thinking, "Well, I was having a glass of wine with my wife
0:27:31 > 0:27:35"then you stabbed and punched your way through the pub, threw a pool cue behind the bar,
0:27:35 > 0:27:38"fought the bouncer, bit the ear off that policeman,
0:27:38 > 0:27:40"ripped open your shirt and roared like a lion.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43"I'm going to be honest - it kind of caught my fucking eye!"
0:27:43 > 0:27:45LAUGHTER
0:27:45 > 0:27:47You know?
0:27:47 > 0:27:52This kid pops the tension, pops the tension. He goes to me, "Whatever.
0:27:53 > 0:27:58"Whatever, minger. Your mother works in McDonald's".
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Which I like,
0:28:01 > 0:28:05cos it's very rarely going to turn violent after spelling, right?
0:28:05 > 0:28:08I prefer that every day of the week to when they do that,
0:28:08 > 0:28:11cos nobody knows when they stand there, "Yeah, whatever",
0:28:11 > 0:28:15you know what I mean? "What, you going to shoot me with a mime gun?
0:28:15 > 0:28:18"What's going to happen here? Because if you're going to mime gun at me,
0:28:18 > 0:28:21"I'm going to mime back some bullet-proof glass".
0:28:21 > 0:28:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:28 > 0:28:31The thing is, if you know your language,
0:28:31 > 0:28:33you can see the game, "Whatever, minger".
0:28:33 > 0:28:37You've got to slam him, "Your mother works in McDonald's," slam his mum.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40Most importantly, you got to spell 'em all right, M and Ws.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43So I'm right on his back, "Excuse me, mate,
0:28:43 > 0:28:46"I've got a lesson for you in a language you'll understand, right?"
0:28:46 > 0:28:48I'm all over it, I'm like,
0:28:48 > 0:28:50"Mate, do me a favour, pick that crisp packet up,
0:28:50 > 0:28:53"and while you're down here, here's your message, yeah?
0:28:53 > 0:28:57"'Whatever, munter, "'cos your mother wanks men's willies on a world-wide web', right?"
0:28:59 > 0:29:02One of the things that gets me very embarrassed is going to the dentist.
0:29:02 > 0:29:04I don't know how you feel about the dentist?
0:29:04 > 0:29:07I hate it - the bright lights, the metal, the fingering,
0:29:07 > 0:29:08it's terrifying.
0:29:08 > 0:29:10There is a bit of a back-story to this.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13When I was about six or seven years old,
0:29:13 > 0:29:16I happened across my first example of explicit footage, right?
0:29:16 > 0:29:20Pornography. I was very young, maybe six, seven, very small.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22The door was slightly ajar.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25Through the little hole in the door I could see a television screen
0:29:25 > 0:29:29and on the television screen was a dentist in his white coat,
0:29:29 > 0:29:32drilling but not drilling,
0:29:32 > 0:29:35ladies and gentlemen, his assistant in the leany-back chair.
0:29:35 > 0:29:39And I was shocked. I was confused. I dropped my Petits Filous.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42It was a big... It was a big day.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47And that sexual frustration and sexual anxiety has stayed with me
0:29:47 > 0:29:50to date and made going to the dentist all the more difficult.
0:29:50 > 0:29:51Because it is difficult, isn't it?
0:29:51 > 0:29:53You have to talk to the dentist, a strange man.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56"Hello, I'm the dentist!"
0:29:56 > 0:29:57How are you, dentist?
0:29:57 > 0:30:00"I'm fine, I'm fine, I've just been to the Maldives actually."
0:30:00 > 0:30:03Why have dentists always been on fucking holiday?
0:30:03 > 0:30:06"Right, let me put on these protective eye goggles
0:30:06 > 0:30:09"just in case I slip and fuck up your face, ha ha!"
0:30:09 > 0:30:12LAUGHTER
0:30:16 > 0:30:19Then he puts his finger into your mouth.
0:30:21 > 0:30:23And this is the bit I can't deal with.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26Normally, when an alien entity enters my mouth,
0:30:26 > 0:30:30Detective Tongue wants to investigate.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32LAUGHTER
0:30:32 > 0:30:35Of course he does. He's a good detective.
0:30:36 > 0:30:37Is it food, is genitals?
0:30:37 > 0:30:40I don't know! Let's find out.
0:30:40 > 0:30:43He just goes for it no matter what the situation is,
0:30:43 > 0:30:46but in this situation, it's highly inappropriate
0:30:46 > 0:30:49because it's a man's gloved finger.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52And I'm paying him to put it in my mouth.
0:30:52 > 0:30:55But the detective doesn't give a shit. He's a renegade.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58He throws the rulebook out the window. He just goes for the finger.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00He laps at the finger.
0:31:00 > 0:31:04He lunges, he twists the tongue around the finger.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07The dentist gets very embarrassed and moves to the molars on the other side.
0:31:07 > 0:31:11Detective Tongue cow-licks across
0:31:11 > 0:31:13and starts to suck it voraciously.
0:31:13 > 0:31:15And the whole time, I've got an boner
0:31:15 > 0:31:19because of the pornography I watched 18 and a half years ago.
0:31:19 > 0:31:20APPLAUSE
0:31:24 > 0:31:27It's nice people's attitudes towards swearing are slowly changing.
0:31:27 > 0:31:30I think people don't realise there is nothing innately offensive
0:31:30 > 0:31:33about language, it's the sentiment behind language that causes offence.
0:31:33 > 0:31:36The older my dad gets, the angrier he gets.
0:31:36 > 0:31:40Consequently, he is just magnificent at swearing.
0:31:40 > 0:31:43He's 62 years old now. He's the angriest human being I've ever met.
0:31:43 > 0:31:45A couple of months ago we were in a shopping centre,
0:31:45 > 0:31:47we were on an escalator in that shopping centre.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50There were two slightly plump middle-aged ladies
0:31:50 > 0:31:52blocking our way on the escalator.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55Normally in that situation, the traditional, proper,
0:31:55 > 0:31:59decent Great British thing to do is to maybe tut at the most extreme
0:31:59 > 0:32:01but generally, you just wait
0:32:01 > 0:32:04until you get to the top or bottom of the escalator. Not my dad.
0:32:04 > 0:32:08My dad simply shouted, "Oh, get out of my way, you dawdling whores!"
0:32:08 > 0:32:11LAUGHTER
0:32:12 > 0:32:15Turns out that is 100% effective.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17Those dawdling whores dawdled no longer.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20The biggest cultural shock I've had since being here,
0:32:20 > 0:32:23which to all of you is perfectly normal,
0:32:23 > 0:32:26and you have no idea how messed-up it sounds to someone not from here...
0:32:26 > 0:32:30I was having a cup of tea with an English friend of mine,
0:32:30 > 0:32:32and she said to me, "Do you want a Penguin?"
0:32:32 > 0:32:34LAUGHTER
0:32:40 > 0:32:43It's... You know...
0:32:43 > 0:32:45And I was like, "Er...
0:32:48 > 0:32:50"Well, yeah.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54"Who doesn't?
0:32:54 > 0:32:57"They're adorable! Where did you get it?!
0:32:57 > 0:33:00"Do the zoos sell them now?
0:33:00 > 0:33:02"I mean, I don't know how to take care of it.
0:33:02 > 0:33:06"I mean, it's a bird, but does it go in a cage or in the bathtub?
0:33:06 > 0:33:10"And they look like you need to oil them. They seem kind of oily.
0:33:10 > 0:33:14"Mind you, I could put a little bow-tie on him,
0:33:14 > 0:33:16"and make some pretty sweet YouTube videos.
0:33:16 > 0:33:20"Yeah, stuff it, I will have a penguin, go on, I will."
0:33:20 > 0:33:22And she said, "No, you idiot!
0:33:22 > 0:33:25"A Penguin's a biscuit!"
0:33:25 > 0:33:29And I was like, "Oh! How stupid of me...
0:33:29 > 0:33:32"..to confuse something...
0:33:32 > 0:33:34"with what it is.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38"I'm doing that all the time. When you said Penguin,
0:33:38 > 0:33:42"I should have known that you meant biscuit,
0:33:42 > 0:33:44"and not, you know, a penguin." And she goes,
0:33:44 > 0:33:48"Don't worry about it, let's not fight anymore." I'm like, "Yeah.
0:33:48 > 0:33:50"Would you like some cake?" And she said yes.
0:33:50 > 0:33:53And then I threw a spider in her face.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56"Fuckin' Jesus! What did you throw a spider at me for?!"
0:33:56 > 0:33:58I was like, "Oh!
0:33:58 > 0:34:02"You idiot! In Australia, a cake is a spider!
0:34:02 > 0:34:04"I just assumed you'd know that."
0:34:04 > 0:34:08"God, it bit me!" I'm like, "Did it? Do you want the antidote?"
0:34:08 > 0:34:11She's, "Yes, give me the antidote!" "Are you sure?" "Yes!"
0:34:11 > 0:34:13And then I shot her in the kneecap.
0:34:13 > 0:34:18"What did you just shoot me for?!!" I was like, "Oh...!
0:34:18 > 0:34:20"I don't like you."
0:34:23 > 0:34:26I live with three women, right?
0:34:26 > 0:34:29And they clean the toilet every day.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32Because they don't have any hobbies, you know?
0:34:37 > 0:34:40And I don't have to clean the toilet that often,
0:34:40 > 0:34:42so it really pisses them off.
0:34:43 > 0:34:48They're, "Why doesn't everybody clean the toilet?"
0:34:48 > 0:34:50That's my name in the house - Everybody.
0:34:54 > 0:34:57All the time we have house meetings,
0:34:57 > 0:34:59"I think Everybody should do the same."
0:35:03 > 0:35:08I used to live with guys and we'd clean the toilet every six months.
0:35:08 > 0:35:13There was this big sea of empty toilet rolls on the floor.
0:35:13 > 0:35:16You had to swim to get to the toilet.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19When you finally got there, there was another guy sitting there.
0:35:21 > 0:35:25The only time we would clean the toilet was if we had a party
0:35:25 > 0:35:28and we knew it would be women there.
0:35:28 > 0:35:32And then when they got to the party, we would show them the toilet.
0:35:32 > 0:35:36"This is the toilet, this is how it always looks like.
0:35:36 > 0:35:41"Hope you go in there and keep it tidy. We care about the toilet."
0:35:43 > 0:35:45People told me that London was an aggressive place to be,
0:35:45 > 0:35:49I didn't realise what that meant until last October
0:35:49 > 0:35:52when I had my first London Halloween.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55Now, I used to enjoy Halloween as a time of year, you know?
0:35:55 > 0:35:58Community coming together, having a good time.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00So I was excited about my first London Halloween.
0:36:00 > 0:36:04I was all prepared. Big tray of sweets...
0:36:04 > 0:36:06plastic bat.
0:36:06 > 0:36:10The doorbell rang at about eight o'clock in the evening,
0:36:10 > 0:36:13there was one kid stood there, right?
0:36:13 > 0:36:15No costume, right?
0:36:15 > 0:36:16He just looked up at me and went,
0:36:16 > 0:36:19"You're going to give me sweets or I'm going to tell my dad
0:36:19 > 0:36:20"you touched my dick."
0:36:20 > 0:36:22LAUGHTER
0:36:22 > 0:36:24Welcome to London!
0:36:26 > 0:36:29So, seeing as he was going to tell his dad anyway...
0:36:29 > 0:36:33LAUGHTER
0:36:34 > 0:36:39I thought I'd slip a little paedo gag under the radar.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42There are two key traits we apparently look for
0:36:42 > 0:36:45in a happy relationship. First of all, intelligence.
0:36:45 > 0:36:48Give me a cheer, girls who are looking for an intelligent man.
0:36:48 > 0:36:49WEAK CHEERING
0:36:49 > 0:36:50Right.
0:36:50 > 0:36:54A cautious response essentially says, "Throbbing cock and nothing more.
0:36:54 > 0:36:56"Fill me, funny man, I am but an orifice."
0:36:56 > 0:36:58LAUGHTER
0:36:58 > 0:37:02Like a cheap Wookey Hole. I've been thinking about ways,
0:37:02 > 0:37:04thinking about ways we can instil learning into everyday life.
0:37:04 > 0:37:06A couple of ideas.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09Women, rather than having meaningless Celtic symbols tattooed on your lower back,
0:37:09 > 0:37:13why not have the periodic table so your lover can learn something
0:37:13 > 0:37:14as he fails to satisfy you.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19Maybe control the rhythm by way of atomic mass,
0:37:19 > 0:37:21the higher, the faster.
0:37:21 > 0:37:23"Copper, copper." "Argon, argon!"
0:37:23 > 0:37:26Or a sudoku on the inner thigh.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28He'd be down there for ages, wouldn't he, ladies?
0:37:28 > 0:37:30LAUGHTER
0:37:30 > 0:37:33The second key trait we apparently look for is a sense of humour.
0:37:33 > 0:37:35Now, just because you find something funny
0:37:35 > 0:37:38doesn't mean someone else will. I'll give you an example.
0:37:38 > 0:37:42A little while ago I went to Bristol Slavery Museum.
0:37:43 > 0:37:47And, as I was leaving, I turned to the girl behind the till and said,
0:37:47 > 0:37:52"That was great, but I do like to hear both sides of the argument.
0:37:52 > 0:37:55"So, out of interest, where's the nearest pro-slavery museum?"
0:37:55 > 0:37:58She kind of looked at me blankly and said,
0:37:58 > 0:38:00"I don't think that's particularly savoury, do you, sir?"
0:38:00 > 0:38:04And I said, "Technically you charged me £6.50 to get in here,
0:38:04 > 0:38:08"which means that Bristol continues to profit off the back of slavery.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10LAUGHTER
0:38:10 > 0:38:14"If this is a moral discussion, I think I'm on firmer ground."
0:38:14 > 0:38:17It was at this point, actually, she tried to hit me.
0:38:17 > 0:38:20But luckily she was shackled to the desk and couldn't get near my face.
0:38:20 > 0:38:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:38:26 > 0:38:30I remember when I was little, my pet parakeet died.
0:38:30 > 0:38:34And my mother went out and bought another one, just the same,
0:38:34 > 0:38:38so that I wouldn't notice. But I knew.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40And I killed that one too.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42LAUGHTER
0:38:45 > 0:38:48A little joke to get the ball rolling.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51Now, what you say something, actually, about firemen.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54Cos, well, they're absolute show-offs, firemen.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57I know they rescue people and they're quite brave,
0:38:57 > 0:38:59but they're show-offs, aren't they?
0:38:59 > 0:39:03Do they really need to slide down those poles?
0:39:03 > 0:39:07Why can't they just play cards on the ground floor?
0:39:08 > 0:39:10And then, when there's a callout,
0:39:10 > 0:39:13reach their fire engine by the method of walking.
0:39:13 > 0:39:16LAUGHTER And, on the subject of exercise,
0:39:16 > 0:39:20don't you agree that school sports days are humiliating enough
0:39:20 > 0:39:22for slow runners without them having to have
0:39:22 > 0:39:26the mothers and fathers races to basically, as far as I can see,
0:39:26 > 0:39:30merely demonstrate that the children were never in with a chance genetically.
0:39:30 > 0:39:31LAUGHTER
0:39:31 > 0:39:34In my opinion, real rap - real rap -
0:39:34 > 0:39:36it should reflect the hardships
0:39:36 > 0:39:40in life, you know? Of which I've had my unfair share.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43- LAUGHTER - I've had some dark times, right,
0:39:43 > 0:39:47where I used to think it was like me against the world,
0:39:47 > 0:39:49- you know? And in those times... - ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFF PLAYS
0:39:49 > 0:39:53you've got to remember, it's not you, it's them.
0:39:53 > 0:39:56- RAPS:- Cos when you're down and out And you're really up against it
0:39:56 > 0:39:58Just remember the basics
0:39:58 > 0:40:00It's a mantra, repeatedly say this
0:40:00 > 0:40:04You're not a loser It's just everybody's racist
0:40:04 > 0:40:06Yeah, that's right, I said it!
0:40:06 > 0:40:08Why d'you think nobody ever give you any credit...?
0:40:08 > 0:40:11Why you last on the list of your doctor's patients?
0:40:11 > 0:40:14Chronological? Or is your surgery racist?
0:40:14 > 0:40:16What type of dog shits on the pavement
0:40:16 > 0:40:19In front of your house? Alsatian - racist!
0:40:19 > 0:40:22Say you're typing in a search engine
0:40:22 > 0:40:25Trying to write "haterz" with a Z at the end
0:40:25 > 0:40:27And your computer goes Did you mean "haters"?
0:40:27 > 0:40:30That's how you know Google's racist
0:40:30 > 0:40:33How come every time an igloo's made
0:40:33 > 0:40:35It's always white, hmm? Eskimos - racist!
0:40:35 > 0:40:38So now you know the truth at its plainest
0:40:38 > 0:40:40Your car won't start? Engine - racist
0:40:40 > 0:40:43Your team don't pick you? These guys - racist
0:40:43 > 0:40:46Jeans don't fit you? Levi's - racist!
0:40:46 > 0:40:49If you can't lose weight Every time you try it
0:40:49 > 0:40:51I guarantee your diet is racist
0:40:51 > 0:40:54On your birthday it rained in places
0:40:54 > 0:40:57Fuck, the clouds The whole sky is racist!
0:40:57 > 0:41:00You've got an iPod Shuffling the playlist
0:41:00 > 0:41:02It ain't picked reggae in a while? Racist!
0:41:02 > 0:41:05How come every time you get to the queue
0:41:05 > 0:41:08You're the last in the queue, dude? That queue's racist!
0:41:08 > 0:41:10And then when you get to the front
0:41:10 > 0:41:12The staff say, "Hey, thanks for waiting!"
0:41:12 > 0:41:13That's racist
0:41:13 > 0:41:15The whole Post Office are skanks
0:41:15 > 0:41:19Why do you think they try and sell you second-class stamps?
0:41:19 > 0:41:22Two words Institutional racism
0:41:22 > 0:41:24You go Nando's Suddenly they make chicken
0:41:24 > 0:41:27And you might want couscous Or just soup
0:41:27 > 0:41:30Too late, man They already judged you
0:41:30 > 0:41:33When you're down and out And you're really up against it
0:41:33 > 0:41:35Just remember the basics
0:41:35 > 0:41:38It's a mantra, repeatedly say this
0:41:38 > 0:41:39You're not a loser
0:41:39 > 0:41:42It's just everybody's racist!
0:41:42 > 0:41:44APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:41:50 > 0:41:53I've been Doc Brown - thank you very much!
0:41:55 > 0:41:58Ladies and gentlemen...
0:41:59 > 0:42:01..please give it up for Doc Brown!
0:42:01 > 0:42:04APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:42:05 > 0:42:07That's the end of Good News - hope you enjoyed it.
0:42:07 > 0:42:09Farewell.
0:42:09 > 0:42:11APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:42:33 > 0:42:36Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd