0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:20 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Thanks very much.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Thanks very much indeed.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Hello, and welcome to Good News.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37So, what's been happening? It's all going off at Sky News.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40First, Jacquie Beltrao revealed her wrestling name.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Thighs without mercy.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Then Peter Spencer turned to stone.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Some people can be so mistrustful.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Peter, thank you. Coming up on Boulton and Co,
0:00:52 > 0:00:54we'll hear from both sides of the row...
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Here's a tip. If you're trying to avoid being on camera,
0:00:59 > 0:01:01this is not how you do it.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04There is a long-time city ordinance that allows these businesses,
0:01:04 > 0:01:06these practices...
0:01:06 > 0:01:07LAUGHTER
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Over at Channel 4, they had this cheery headline...
0:01:12 > 0:01:16We're all going to die of something.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20This guy did not take the news well.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Arghhhhhh!
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Arghhhhhh!
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Arghhhhhh!
0:01:28 > 0:01:30APPLAUSE
0:01:31 > 0:01:32So, what's been going on?
0:01:32 > 0:01:36Did anyone else see all those people celebrating the Titanic?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Setting sail to the site of the sinking.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41The cruise to remember the Titanic.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44They're marking the 100th anniversary of the Titanic
0:01:44 > 0:01:45by sailing a boat!
0:01:47 > 0:01:50How insensitive is that?!
0:01:50 > 0:01:52People drowned - let's go cruising!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57It doesn't stop there. Apparently, they're serving a pudding on board
0:01:57 > 0:01:59called the "Iceberg".
0:01:59 > 0:02:01That's the thing that killed them!
0:02:01 > 0:02:05You wouldn't serve JFK's family a rifle trifle!
0:02:07 > 0:02:10The papers have been all over this story.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Some of the conspiracy theories as to why the ship sunk
0:02:13 > 0:02:14were hilarious.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16But this was definitely my favourite.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22APPLAUSE
0:02:27 > 0:02:29How?!
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Did the icebergs look like this?
0:02:34 > 0:02:38"Ron Weasley dead ahead!"
0:02:38 > 0:02:40It's so ridiculous!
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Now, talking of stupidity,
0:02:41 > 0:02:44the reaction on Twitter has been incredible.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Do you reckon she typed that with her face?
0:02:55 > 0:03:00Not my favourite tweet, though. That goes to the twat-tastic Jedward.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07You have no idea!
0:03:08 > 0:03:11As if those poor people didn't suffer enough,
0:03:11 > 0:03:13"We're going to drown! We're going to...
0:03:13 > 0:03:16"What's that noise?!"
0:03:16 > 0:03:17# His name is John
0:03:17 > 0:03:20# My name is Edward
0:03:20 > 0:03:23# And together we are Jedward... #
0:03:23 > 0:03:27SCREAMING
0:03:27 > 0:03:29# Jedward... #
0:03:31 > 0:03:32# Jedward... #
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Elsewhere in Britain, the National Trust has come up with
0:03:45 > 0:03:49a list of 50 things kids need to do before they're 12.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Climbing a tree, camping in the wild and abseiling.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Some of the 50 things children should do
0:03:53 > 0:03:55before they're 11 and three quarters.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57That's according to the National Trust.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Have you seen the list? Now, some of them sound fun.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Some of them are insane.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Sod that! "A-woo!
0:04:15 > 0:04:17"Mum!
0:04:17 > 0:04:20"There's an owl on my head!"
0:04:20 > 0:04:24Nobody has ever called an owl. I asked my cousin, he is seven.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27He gave possibly the cutest answer.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28"Have you ever called an owl?"
0:04:28 > 0:04:30"No...
0:04:30 > 0:04:32"I didn't know they had phones!"
0:04:32 > 0:04:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:41 > 0:04:43My problem with the list - it's all a bit too nice.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46"Let's build a den. Let's tickle a ferret."
0:04:46 > 0:04:50The number one thing to do before you're 12 - play a prank on a mate.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52- AHHH! - What?
0:04:52 > 0:04:56LAUGHTER
0:04:56 > 0:04:59APPLAUSE
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Now, big news in Middle England.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03"Last week, we had the hose pipe ban...
0:05:05 > 0:05:06"..now it's this..."
0:05:06 > 0:05:08The steep rise in the price of stamps...
0:05:08 > 0:05:11- Stamps...- Stamps...- Stamps... - Panic buying...- Panic buying...
0:05:11 > 0:05:14From 46 pence to 60.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15Wo-o-ow.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Ahhh!
0:05:17 > 0:05:19It is such a British panic story.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Syria's in meltdown. "Never mind that!
0:05:21 > 0:05:24"Stamps have gone up 14p!"
0:05:24 > 0:05:26"There's nothing for it, Roger.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29"I'm going to have to go on the game!
0:05:29 > 0:05:33"We need the stamps, Roger. Line up the cocks!"
0:05:38 > 0:05:39You think I'm joking?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41People have lost it. Did you see this?
0:05:47 > 0:05:51Wouldn't it be great if they'd all been bought by this guy?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54"Hello!"
0:05:54 > 0:05:58I like the idea he's just covering Buckingham Palace with stamps.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01"Lizzie on the table,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03"Lizzie on the butler,
0:06:03 > 0:06:06"Lizzie on the Corgis...
0:06:06 > 0:06:08"and finally, Lizzie...
0:06:10 > 0:06:11"Yeah!"
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Hey, Liz, time for a special delivery!
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Now, talking of Royals. Did you see this?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Pippa Middleton could be questioned by French police
0:06:26 > 0:06:27after she was pictured in Paris
0:06:27 > 0:06:31in a car with a man who appeared to be pointing a gun.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Let's be honest. Everyone reacted the same way
0:06:33 > 0:06:35when they heard this story.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37"She with a bloke who pointed a gun at a photographer?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39"Bit stupid, isn't it?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43"I tell you what, she's got a lovely arse!"
0:06:45 > 0:06:47She could do anything, it always comes back to that.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51"She head-butted a dog?" "Yeah, but it's perfect, isn't it?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53"It's like a peach covered in silk."
0:06:53 > 0:06:57She is so hot. This bloke saw her, his whole body got a hard-on.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Some people can be so mistrustful.
0:06:59 > 0:07:04Peter, thank you. Coming up on Boulton and Co...
0:07:04 > 0:07:07As ever, the US media didn't overreact...
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Pippa could be facing criminal charges
0:07:09 > 0:07:11and possible jail time for this.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14..whereas, Channel 5, bit more British.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16She will be in hot water with her parents.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20And she can forget about riding her pony!
0:07:20 > 0:07:23There, I've said it, I've absolutely bloody said it.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28Over in the US, big news in the US Presidential Elections.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32We are at the point where we can say unequivocally
0:07:32 > 0:07:35that Mitt Romney will be the Republican challenger to Obama.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Yep, Mitt Romney has been selected to take on Obama.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41I think he's going to struggle. He can barely talk.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Let's talk about immigration...
0:07:43 > 0:07:45HE STAMMERS
0:07:45 > 0:07:48LAUGHTER
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Let's be honest, he'll need all the help that he can get.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Imagine running against Obama!
0:07:52 > 0:07:54He's so charismatic.
0:07:54 > 0:07:59He's the only politician who can sing and not look like a dick!
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Reverend Al Green was here.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03CHEERING
0:08:05 > 0:08:07# I'm...
0:08:10 > 0:08:13# So in love with you... #
0:08:13 > 0:08:15CHEERING
0:08:17 > 0:08:20He's so smooth, isn't he?
0:08:20 > 0:08:23You know God's looking down going, "I made that."
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Mitt Romney, not quite as soulful.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30# O beautiful for spacious skies
0:08:30 > 0:08:35# For amber waves of grain
0:08:35 > 0:08:38# For purple mountain majesties
0:08:38 > 0:08:42# Above the fruited plain! #
0:08:42 > 0:08:44LAUGHTER
0:08:47 > 0:08:51First up, some strange economic news.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52- Er...- Er...- Er...
0:08:52 > 0:08:55It's the surprising research which may leave some people
0:08:55 > 0:08:57scratching their heads.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Marketing experts reckon The Only Way Is Essex
0:09:00 > 0:09:04has generated an extra £1 billion of spending in the UK.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05Shut up.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Fuck off.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:08 > 0:09:09This is the... Exactly!
0:09:12 > 0:09:16This is the bizarre news that The Only Way Is Essex
0:09:16 > 0:09:18has boosted the economy by 1.4 billion.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Thanks to TOWIE, sales in...
0:09:30 > 0:09:34In other news, book sales are down 800%.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36"I can't read, but I've got a shiny muff."
0:09:38 > 0:09:40It's so depressing.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42When I was younger, kids wanted to go to the moon,
0:09:42 > 0:09:43not have a neon minge.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47How have they got their own show?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Why don't we idolise impressive people?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Why can't we have a show called The Only Way Is Fry?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54We could hear stuff like this.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Would you be in any way offended if I said that you seem to me to be
0:09:57 > 0:10:00the visible personification of absolute perfection?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04As opposed...to this.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06That goat's beard, look. How embarrassing.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Is that why they're called goats, cos they got goatees?
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Yeah, that is so right.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15LAUGHTER
0:10:16 > 0:10:19I wish I was on the Titanic with Jedward.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23From the depressing to the bizarre. There's been a ghost spotted
0:10:23 > 0:10:26in my favourite part of the world - the West Country.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Clevedon's beautiful Victorian pier.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36It's beginning to get a reputation for its ghostly residents.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39The latest subject of unearthly contact
0:10:39 > 0:10:41was keen angler Jack Hulbert.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44This wonderful bloke saw the ghost. He claims he was fishing,
0:10:44 > 0:10:47but surely there is a better way of putting it than this.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50I thought, "I'll get up early in the morning
0:10:50 > 0:10:52"and come down and give it a bash."
0:10:52 > 0:10:54LAUGHTER
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Don't say that!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Now I HAVE to put you on telly.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01I love this man.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04He sounds like one of my uncles. "I gave it a right bash!"
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Listen to him describe his meeting with the ghost.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Walked up to the end of the pier,
0:11:09 > 0:11:10nearly to the end,
0:11:10 > 0:11:17and I saw this person leaning over the rail in the corner.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20"Hell," I said, "I thought I'd be here first this morning."
0:11:20 > 0:11:25I said, "You beat me to it." He never answered back.
0:11:25 > 0:11:30"He never answered back! I thought to myself, 'What an arsehole!'
0:11:30 > 0:11:33"I gives him a wave, he disappears.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38"Some people are so rude."
0:11:38 > 0:11:43This next bit is great. Check out what this evil ghost smells of.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44It's not just sightings.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48There's been a ghostly smell of toast at the pier shop.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49Ghostly toast.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Ghostly to-o-o-ast!
0:11:55 > 0:11:57"It was so scary, there was marmalade everywhere!"
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Apparently, there's a reason behind this odour.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03The smell of burnt toast has often been associated
0:12:03 > 0:12:05with the presence of ghosts.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08It's such bollocks, isn't it?
0:12:08 > 0:12:12If you smell toast, that mean there's a ghost nearby.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- And if he's really fucked off... - HE SNIFFS
0:12:14 > 0:12:15Coco Pops!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17LAUGHTER
0:12:17 > 0:12:20He's angry, look, he's turned the milk chocolatey.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Whoa!
0:12:22 > 0:12:24I tell you what, if this is the way ghosts smell,
0:12:24 > 0:12:27that would really have changed The Blair Witch Project.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29SHALLOW BREATHING
0:12:30 > 0:12:32I'm so scared.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33SHE GASPS
0:12:33 > 0:12:35So would I be!
0:12:35 > 0:12:37I'm ghostly toast.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Now, eat your crusts!
0:12:39 > 0:12:41LAUGHTER
0:12:44 > 0:12:45Staying with the supernatural,
0:12:45 > 0:12:47this is one of the best headlines you'll ever read.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55This is the incredible story of a hamster whose owners buried him
0:12:55 > 0:12:57cos they thought he was dead
0:12:57 > 0:13:00only to see him reappear from his grave hours later.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Imagine the moment they saw him.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06I bet that they absolutely shat themselves.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08"I... I thought you were dead!"
0:13:08 > 0:13:11"Guess again, asshole.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14"Now, where Daddy's carrot at?"
0:13:14 > 0:13:16My favourite part of the story -
0:13:16 > 0:13:18since he died and came back to life, they've changed his name.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20He used to be called Rhino, he's now called...
0:13:23 > 0:13:27So, are the family pleased to have this zombie hamster back? Yes.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Are the other pets? No!
0:13:29 > 0:13:32The other pets are terrified of him!
0:13:32 > 0:13:37HORROR FILM MUSIC
0:13:42 > 0:13:44PARP!
0:13:44 > 0:13:46LAUGHTER
0:13:49 > 0:13:51It's fair to say,
0:13:51 > 0:13:54I'm very worried about the students at Swansea Uni.
0:14:01 > 0:14:06Do you reckon they're sat there, "Mum! I need a wipe!"?
0:14:06 > 0:14:09It's insane.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13What kind of job are you going to get if you can't even shit properly?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- Shut up.- FUCK OFF!
0:14:16 > 0:14:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:21 > 0:14:23In case you can't figure it out,
0:14:23 > 0:14:25here's the handy diagram they're showing the students.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27This isn't a joke.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29These were genuinely put up in a place of learning.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30This is good toilet...
0:14:32 > 0:14:33..and this is bad toilet!
0:14:33 > 0:14:35LAUGHTER
0:14:37 > 0:14:41Now... Now, I'm a good guy.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43I wanted to help the students out,
0:14:43 > 0:14:45so I've made a few signs of my own, right?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Here we go, this is how you urinate.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51There you go. A lovely bit of wee. That's nice.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52This is not.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55That's bad.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58That's bad toilet, right?
0:14:58 > 0:14:59APPLAUSE
0:15:02 > 0:15:03This is how you use a kettle!
0:15:03 > 0:15:08Ah, oh, a bit of tea, oh, mm, tea, yeah.
0:15:08 > 0:15:09This is not...
0:15:09 > 0:15:11This is not how you use a kettle. That's bad.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14That's bad. That's bad kettle! That's bad kettle!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16LAUGHTER
0:15:16 > 0:15:18One more? This is how you feed a pet.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20He likes that, doesn't he?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Lovely little vicar dog. Lovely bit of food. Nom, nom.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25This is definitely not how to feed a pet.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29That is not how you feed a pet.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Never feed a pet that way, it's true.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35This guy tried it and hated it.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Arghhhhhh!
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Arghhhhhh!
0:15:41 > 0:15:42Over to the other side of the world.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Check out what the toddlers in Australia
0:15:45 > 0:15:46are being taught at school.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49This is self-defence, Israeli style.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51It's called Krav Maga
0:15:51 > 0:15:54and it's used by special combat forces around the world.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Now it's being taught to Aussie toddlers.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00They're teaching toddlers martial arts. Madness.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04When you're a kid, you should be in a sandpit, not cage fighting.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07"A good day at school?" "Yeah, I learned how to fuck people up."
0:16:09 > 0:16:13It's ridiculous! Toddlers don't want to fight. Toddlers just want to dance.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16MUSIC: "Jailhouse Rock" by Elvis Presley
0:16:35 > 0:16:37I love the jump at the end,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40but not as much as I love the way he finishes.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:58 > 0:17:01The big sporting story of the weekend was the Grand National.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03He's a half-length in front.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Neptune Collonges is diving...
0:17:05 > 0:17:08One of the closest races in Grand National history.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Neptune Collonges wins by a nose.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13An incredible finish, but not a patch on this...
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Bournda See under the big...
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Oh! Morcombe put in a bad stride, he lost balance...
0:17:17 > 0:17:19LAUGHTER ..and now Bournda See...
0:17:19 > 0:17:23That is one photo finish you don't ever want to see.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Although he did win by a length!
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Did you see the interview with the guy who trained the winning horse?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Probably the best horse we run in the race.
0:17:31 > 0:17:36Class form, we're placing gold cups, stays genuine.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37What a let down.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40That's not how you celebrate winning a horse race.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41This is.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43- Congratulations.- Thanks very much.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- It's fantastic!- It is, it's unreal.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48I can't believe it. I can't believe it.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51I'll have fucking sex tonight and everything.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52LAUGHTER
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Yes, you will.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58You lovely, horny little leprechaun!
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Did you see the moment the jockeys arrived?
0:18:01 > 0:18:04And the jockeys are waiting to make their way down the steps,
0:18:04 > 0:18:06through the crowd and into the paddock.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I can't believe nobody was tempted
0:18:08 > 0:18:09to play this music when they came out.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13# Oompa loompa, doompadee doo
0:18:13 > 0:18:15# I've got a perfect puzzle for you... #
0:18:15 > 0:18:19It's great fun, you can even do it with the horses!
0:18:19 > 0:18:21MUSIC: "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Did you watch the BBC coverage?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Clare Balding wins my award for
0:18:28 > 0:18:31most convoluted description of a family tree, ever.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Ted is married to Helen. They have four children -
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Jennifer who acts as agent to Ruby, who you know as the jockey...
0:18:36 > 0:18:37Right.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41..Katie, who is riding in the race, and her brother, Little Ted,
0:18:41 > 0:18:42who is married to Nina Carberry.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Nina is riding in the race, her brother is also riding in the race.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Yeah...
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Their father is called Tommy, and Tommy won the race on L'Escargot
0:18:50 > 0:18:53in 1975, trained by Dan Moore,
0:18:53 > 0:18:55whose son Arthur trains Organisedconfusion,
0:18:55 > 0:18:58who's ridden by Nina Carberry, and also is her uncle.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00LAUGHTER
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Right, so who's Ted married to?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15It's a mystery guest who's been in the news
0:19:15 > 0:19:17and I have to figure out who that person is.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19So, please welcome my mystery guest!
0:19:19 > 0:19:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Hello. Nice to meet you. I'm Russell.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- I'm Dorene. - Thanks for coming on my show.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38It's a pleasure.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40I imagine there's something to do with knitting
0:19:40 > 0:19:44and you have some weights there as well.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- No, nothing to do with knitting. - Nothing to do with knitting.- No.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51- Does it have anything to do with the fitness equipment?- Close.
0:19:51 > 0:19:56- Close. Um, are you, like, a granny body builder?- No.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58You're not? I apologise.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Are you a spinster body builder?
0:20:00 > 0:20:04- No, definitely not.- OK.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Give me some clues.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07It's stuff to do... Am I close?
0:20:07 > 0:20:12What I do would do a lot of good for you.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13LAUGHTER
0:20:16 > 0:20:18You keep bitches in check?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20LAUGHTER
0:20:22 > 0:20:24APPLAUSE
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Sorry. Sorry.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29- Is this a clue?!- WHOA!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:31 > 0:20:33WHISTLING
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Right.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50No, it's not!
0:20:50 > 0:20:56- It's unusual for you to be stuck for words, isn't it?- It is, absolutely.
0:20:56 > 0:21:02It feels like, if I close my eyes and I'm in an old folks' home,
0:21:02 > 0:21:04it's like the best day ever.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08It's like I'm 70 and looking around and going, "Oh, yes.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11"Oh, oh.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12"Oh.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14"Oh, I don't need my medicine today."
0:21:15 > 0:21:18So, Dorene, why were you in the news?
0:21:18 > 0:21:24Well, because I am the oldest keep-fit instructor in England.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Well, there you go, that's great.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- Are you going to show me how to keep fit?- Of course I am.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36- Let's do this.- Right.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38CHEERING
0:21:40 > 0:21:43OK, I think we have to move this first. Out of the way. Sorry, love.
0:21:43 > 0:21:48Right, I think that you need a lot of help with your movement.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Moving your body, shimmying your shoulders.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- And a sexy move.- Is that sexy?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01It is when you do it, but for me, it's like,
0:22:01 > 0:22:03"I haven't taken my tablets."
0:22:03 > 0:22:07Now, to help you, I've brought eight of my ladies.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Sweet, gang BANG!
0:22:09 > 0:22:13CHEERING
0:22:13 > 0:22:17Hello! Hello! Nice to meet you all! Hello!
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Thank you so much.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20- Right.- Gang, are you ready?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22- ALL:- Yes.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- Let's start.- Right.- Right.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27One, two, three, four.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Now, stretch, two, three, four.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Do it again. Two, three, four.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36It's like we're the Sugababes.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- Now, hips. Come on, Russell. - I'm trying!
0:22:39 > 0:22:42I thought you were the young one.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44I love the idea that someone's switching on now, going,
0:22:44 > 0:22:48- "What's happened to Good News?!" - Come along.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Push, push, stretch, stretch. Push, push.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52Now, jump.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55One and two and three and four.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58CHEERING
0:22:58 > 0:23:04- Now, follow me.- Follow you?- One, two, bounce, stretch.- That's the Haka!
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- Ka mate, ka mate!- Swing the arms!
0:23:07 > 0:23:11Up! One, two, three, four.
0:23:11 > 0:23:12Up, bend.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:23:17 > 0:23:19A-one, two, three, four.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23- Punch! Punch! High!- Hey!
0:23:23 > 0:23:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Thank you so much.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31There we go. Yeah?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33A few years and he'll be all right!
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Thank you very much. That was absolutely lovely.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Please, give it up for Dorene and the wonderful ladies.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39CHEERING
0:23:43 > 0:23:45I tell you what, a couple of great crime stories.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Firstly, there has been an incredible drunk man
0:23:48 > 0:23:49arrested in Canada.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52The police in Canada had an altogether more entertaining evening
0:23:52 > 0:23:55after picking up one man who'd had a bit too much to drink.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57'The man, who was picked up at 4am,
0:23:57 > 0:24:01'managed to sing the entirety of Bohemian Rhapsody - air guitar
0:24:01 > 0:24:03'and fake drumming included.'
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Yes, he did. This man is amazing.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09# I see a little silhouetto of a man
0:24:09 > 0:24:13# Scaramouche! Scaramouche! Will you do the Fandango?
0:24:13 > 0:24:17# Thunder bolts of lightning Very, very frightening me
0:24:17 > 0:24:19# Galileo, Galileo
0:24:19 > 0:24:21# Galileo, Galileo
0:24:21 > 0:24:22# Galileo, Figaro
0:24:22 > 0:24:24# Magnifico... #
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Magnifico, indeed. This is the best bit.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30He really saves the best for last.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32# Oh, mama mia, mama mia
0:24:32 > 0:24:34# Mama mia, let me go
0:24:34 > 0:24:39# Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me
0:24:39 > 0:24:41# For me
0:24:41 > 0:24:43# For MEEEEEEEE! #
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Yeah!
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Genius!
0:24:47 > 0:24:48APPLAUSE
0:24:48 > 0:24:51The only way he could have improved that
0:24:51 > 0:24:53is if he ended it by doing this...
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Now, here's a Vietnamese traffic warden
0:25:00 > 0:25:02who goes way beyond the call of duty.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Damn right! This is commitment!
0:25:11 > 0:25:15LAUGHTER
0:25:20 > 0:25:21HORN BLARES
0:25:21 > 0:25:25"Call the police! Call the police!"
0:25:25 > 0:25:28It's like the most full-on episode of Coach Trip ever.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30"Did you give him a yellow card?"
0:25:30 > 0:25:34"No, I Sellotaped the prick to the windscreen!"
0:25:34 > 0:25:36"Help me!"
0:25:36 > 0:25:38It just shows how hated traffic wardens are.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Look at the reactions of the locals.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49"Oi, mate, you got a wanker on the front of your bus!
0:25:49 > 0:25:51"Naa-aa-aah!"
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Poor bloke, you think it can't get any worse for the traffic warden.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Have you heard what was playing on the bus driver's radio?
0:25:58 > 0:26:01# Together we are Jedward... #
0:26:01 > 0:26:03IMITATES GUNSHOT
0:26:03 > 0:26:04APPLAUSE
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Now, this is a lovely story about a nine-year-old kid called Caine.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14He built a cardboard amusement arcade in his dad's shop.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16The trouble is, no-one was coming
0:26:16 > 0:26:20until a film-maker decided to give him the best day of his life.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31ALL: Hi, Caine!
0:28:42 > 0:28:46There you go, sometimes people can be awesome!
0:28:46 > 0:28:50APPLAUSE
0:28:50 > 0:28:53It's Saturday night, which means it's time for my stand-up guest.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55So, please welcome the wonderful Paul McCaffrey.
0:28:55 > 0:28:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:59 > 0:29:01- Hello. AUDIENCE:- Hello!
0:29:01 > 0:29:05- How are we doing? Are you well? AUDIENCE:- Yes.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07Good.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09It's nice to be here. I told my mum I was doing this
0:29:09 > 0:29:11and she was very excited, obviously.
0:29:11 > 0:29:13But she said, I don't want you swearing on there.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15I've not brought you up to swear.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17And she's right, my parents tried to bring me up properly.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19I can remember when I was a kid,
0:29:19 > 0:29:23my dad once let me stay up late to watch a documentary about the football manager Barry Fry.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26He used quite colourful language did Barry Fry.
0:29:26 > 0:29:31Now, my dad had let me stay up late to watch this documentary. He didn't want me to see any of the swearing.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34He used the worst censoring method I have ever seen.
0:29:34 > 0:29:35He had the remote control.
0:29:35 > 0:29:39Every time Barry Fry swore, my dad would mute the television.
0:29:39 > 0:29:40He'd un-mute it,
0:29:40 > 0:29:43Barry Fry would swear again, he'd mute the television.
0:29:43 > 0:29:47He'd un-mute it, Barry Fry... He ended up editing out everything except the swearing.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50He never would have got a job on Radio One, no chance.
0:29:50 > 0:29:52There is no swearing allowed on Radio One.
0:29:52 > 0:29:54The problem is, sometimes,
0:29:54 > 0:29:56they edit the swearing out of the songs on Radio One,
0:29:56 > 0:29:59it completely changes the meaning of the song.
0:29:59 > 0:30:01I'm sure we all know the Cee Lo Green song, Fuck You.
0:30:01 > 0:30:05# I see you riding round town
0:30:05 > 0:30:09# With a girl I love and I'm like, fuck you. #
0:30:09 > 0:30:11It's quite an angry break-up song
0:30:11 > 0:30:13in which Cee Lo Green expresses his displeasure
0:30:13 > 0:30:17in seeing this guy driving round town with the girl he loves. Right?
0:30:17 > 0:30:20They've got a clean version now. They just edited out the swearing.
0:30:20 > 0:30:24The problem was, it made it sound like driving around town with the girl Cee Lo Green loves
0:30:24 > 0:30:27was the kind of crazy caper this guy got up to all the time. It was like,
0:30:27 > 0:30:33# I see you driving round town with the girl I love and I'm like...
0:30:33 > 0:30:35# You. #
0:30:35 > 0:30:40APPLAUSE
0:30:42 > 0:30:44Eh?
0:30:44 > 0:30:48Driving round town with the girl I love. What are you like?
0:30:48 > 0:30:49So, with that in mind,
0:30:49 > 0:30:54I'm going to kick things off this evening by telling you about a few things that piss me off.
0:30:54 > 0:30:56And I'm going to start with this.
0:30:56 > 0:31:00It seems to me at the moment, every time I go to get money out of the cash machine,
0:31:00 > 0:31:05every time I go to withdraw cash from a cash machine, the person that uses it before me takes ten minutes.
0:31:05 > 0:31:07Have you seen these people?
0:31:07 > 0:31:12I'm actually starting to think there's an extra feature on there that I just haven't seen.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15I don't know, Facebook?
0:31:15 > 0:31:20Football highlights? I wonder whether banks have developed a sense of humour and actually
0:31:20 > 0:31:24stuck a feature on their cash machines to piss off the person behind you in the queue.
0:31:24 > 0:31:27Maybe that's why these people keep checking over their shoulder.
0:31:27 > 0:31:31It's like, "Is there someone behind you?"
0:31:32 > 0:31:34Yes.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38"Do they look like they're in a hurry?"
0:31:41 > 0:31:42Yes.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44"Do you like the look of them?"
0:31:45 > 0:31:47No.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50"Then press here to play Sonic the Hedgehog."
0:31:53 > 0:31:54I had a worse one the other day.
0:31:54 > 0:31:57I was queuing up to use the cash machine the other day, I was second
0:31:57 > 0:32:00in a queue of about six or seven people, I guess.
0:32:00 > 0:32:01One queue, two cash machines.
0:32:01 > 0:32:05We were just waiting for the first available machine and using that.
0:32:05 > 0:32:06Pretty standard stuff.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09A system we have probably all used at some point in our lives.
0:32:09 > 0:32:13This woman appears beside me, taps me on the shoulder, and says, "Excuse me."
0:32:13 > 0:32:15I said, "Yes."
0:32:15 > 0:32:18She said, "Are you all queuing for that machine on the left?"
0:32:21 > 0:32:23I said, "You what? No, I don't think so.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26"We're just waiting for the first available machine and using that."
0:32:26 > 0:32:30She said, "Well, I always queue for whichever machine I'm going to use."
0:32:34 > 0:32:37I said, "Well, we didn't know you were coming, did we?
0:32:37 > 0:32:40"We've had this whole unspoken arrangement
0:32:40 > 0:32:44"whereby we just formed one queue and wait for the first available machine.
0:32:44 > 0:32:48"Clearly what we hadn't factored in was the unexpected arrival of a fucking idiot."
0:32:51 > 0:32:54I grew up in a small town. I'm sure other people did here this evening.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57It's quite nice growing up in a small town.
0:32:57 > 0:33:02What I possibly don't like about growing up or living in a small town is this. Everyone knows one another.
0:33:02 > 0:33:06Sometimes, you go out to town on a Saturday afternoon, you'll bump into people you know.
0:33:06 > 0:33:11Quite often, you'll end up on bumping into people you were really hoping you'd never see again.
0:33:11 > 0:33:16So, for that reason, I limit my visits back there. Christmas is now when I go back. Just once a year.
0:33:16 > 0:33:20I went back at Christmas, this happened. I bumped into this guy. I would never have
0:33:20 > 0:33:21seen him again by choice,
0:33:21 > 0:33:25just to give you an idea of the sort of person we are dealing with here.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28I'm sure we've all met someone like this at some point in our lives. He's a dickhead.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33But it was one of those situations where I'd seen him coming down the street,
0:33:33 > 0:33:35he was waving, calling my name, he had clearly seen me.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38I was stuck, I wasn't going to be able to avoid speaking to him.
0:33:38 > 0:33:42Someone had told me he'd had a party on the previous Saturday.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45So, I have to speak to him, it's fine, he had a party at the weekend,
0:33:45 > 0:33:47we'll have a chat about that, we'll both be on our way.
0:33:47 > 0:33:51So, I said, "Hello, John. Nice to see you. I hear you had a party at the weekend. How was that?"
0:33:51 > 0:33:56And I have to stress, this is without editing, 100% genuinely what he replied. He went, "Yeah."
0:33:59 > 0:34:00"Banging."
0:34:01 > 0:34:04"Wicked, Paul. Till some bloke broke in,
0:34:04 > 0:34:06"started wanking in my flatmate's face."
0:34:13 > 0:34:14What?
0:34:14 > 0:34:18I don't know about you lot, but as far as I'm concerned, if I'm having a party,
0:34:18 > 0:34:21the minute someone breaks in and starts wanking in my flatmate's face,
0:34:21 > 0:34:23the whole party has been a total disaster.
0:34:23 > 0:34:27I don't care how much fun everyone was having up until that point.
0:34:27 > 0:34:30If someone had a remote control and paused him when he said, "Wicked, until...",
0:34:30 > 0:34:33I don't think I would ever have guessed what he was going to say next.
0:34:33 > 0:34:38As far as I'm concerned, that little nugget of information is the headline of the story.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41You'd start with that bit, surely? You wouldn't save that for the end.
0:34:41 > 0:34:45Imagine that as a question on the What Happened Next section of a quiz show.
0:34:45 > 0:34:49OK, question five, John's party.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52It was wicked until what?
0:34:55 > 0:34:58A, he ran out of booze?
0:34:58 > 0:35:01B, he had a complaint from the neighbours about the noise?
0:35:01 > 0:35:05Or was it C, someone broke in and started wanking in his flatmate's face?
0:35:05 > 0:35:07Unbelievable.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10So, I was driving around town the other day, actually.
0:35:10 > 0:35:15I hit a pothole in my car. I don't know if anyone else has had this.
0:35:15 > 0:35:19Snapped the suspension under the front two wheels of my car. I was livid.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21£197 to have it fixed.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23£197. I was furious.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25I thought, this isn't my responsibility,
0:35:25 > 0:35:29it's the council's pothole. They should have had it filled in, surely? They should pay for this.
0:35:29 > 0:35:34I thought, right, strongly worded letter of complaint, that will sort this out. Out came the pen and paper.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37I said, "Dear Waltham Forest Council, I've hit a pothole in my car.
0:35:37 > 0:35:42"It snapped the suspension under the front two wheels, it's cost £197 to have it fixed.
0:35:42 > 0:35:45"I don't think I should have to pay for this. It's your pothole, I want a refund."
0:35:45 > 0:35:47About a week later, I get a letter back saying,
0:35:47 > 0:35:50"Dear Mr McCaffery, we've had a look, you're absolutely right -
0:35:50 > 0:35:53"on the date you mentioned, there was a pothole on the stretch of road you mentioned.
0:35:53 > 0:35:57"However, we'd actually got some contractors in to come and fill the hole in.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59"They hadn't turned up when they were supposed to.
0:35:59 > 0:36:02"We think this is their responsibility and suggest you take this up with them.
0:36:02 > 0:36:06"Thank you very much for your enquiry", is how they ended the letter.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08Yeah, exactly. That's how I felt. I was livid.
0:36:08 > 0:36:13A lot of big companies end replies to letters of complaints like this, thank you for your enquiry.
0:36:13 > 0:36:15It wasn't an enquiry, it was a complaint.
0:36:15 > 0:36:19What thank you for your enquiry means is, we've had a little look at your complaint,
0:36:19 > 0:36:22we're not going to do anything about it, there's nothing you can do, fuck off.
0:36:22 > 0:36:26Secondly, you don't start bringing the contractors into it. It's not the playground. Grow up.
0:36:26 > 0:36:31You're the council. That's like grassing people up. "Oh, it wasn't our fault, it was the contractors.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34"They said they'd be here, they never turned up."
0:36:34 > 0:36:37Anyway, about ten days later, I get a speeding ticket on the same stretch of road.
0:36:37 > 0:36:41It's a 30 mile an hour speed limit, I was doing 37. I'm a renegade, what can I say?
0:36:43 > 0:36:47At first, I was furious. And then I thought, no, good opportunity for a bit of revenge.
0:36:47 > 0:36:48Out came the pen and paper.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51"Dear Waltham Forest Council, I've had a look, you're absolutely right.
0:36:51 > 0:36:56"On the date you mentioned, I was doing 37 miles an hour on the stretch of road you mentioned.
0:36:56 > 0:37:01"However, due to Champions League football, Coronation Street was on half an hour earlier than usual.
0:37:01 > 0:37:04"I had to drive home at this speed in order to get home in time to watch it.
0:37:04 > 0:37:08"I think this is ITV's responsibility. I suggest you take it up with them.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19"Thank you very much for your enquiry."
0:37:21 > 0:37:27I suffer from something called oral allergy syndrome. I don't know if anyone else suffers from this.
0:37:27 > 0:37:31It means I'm allergic to a lot of fruit. It's a posh way of saying I'm allergic to fruit.
0:37:31 > 0:37:35Pears, plums, apples is probably the worst one. Now, a girl I know recently offered me an apple.
0:37:35 > 0:37:39I said, "I won't, thank you very much. I'm actually allergic." She said, "Oh, yeah?"
0:37:41 > 0:37:44Bet you're just saying that to try and be cool.
0:37:46 > 0:37:50I've done some pretty ridiculous things in my life in an attempt to be cool,
0:37:50 > 0:37:51I wore a cravat,...
0:37:53 > 0:37:56I've greeted someone by saying, "Yes, easy, dread."
0:37:59 > 0:38:05I was part of a two-man Hampshire-based graffiti crew called the Mash-up Plenty Policeman Posse.
0:38:07 > 0:38:11Extraordinary lengths I've gone to in an attempt to be cool.
0:38:11 > 0:38:15I think even I would probably draw the line at pretending to be allergic to fruit!
0:38:16 > 0:38:19I think the coolest thing I do now is going to music festivals.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22You look like quite a festival crowd. I love a festival.
0:38:22 > 0:38:27- AUDIENCE:- Wooh! - Yeah. That's right! My people!
0:38:27 > 0:38:30My favourite kind of person, you get a good mix of people at a festival.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33I think my favourite type of punter at a festival are these people
0:38:33 > 0:38:37that think a festival is a good opportunity for them to reveal the real them.
0:38:37 > 0:38:40You know, these people, they think they've got a wild side
0:38:40 > 0:38:43and a festival is the chance for them to show it to the world.
0:38:43 > 0:38:46You might bump into someone you work with,
0:38:46 > 0:38:48and they'll walk towards you, and as they walk towards you,
0:38:48 > 0:38:50they get this stupid look on their face like,...
0:38:56 > 0:39:00Surprised? Yeah, I keep this side of me pretty well hidden at work.
0:39:00 > 0:39:04All right, mate, you've got a Kings of Leon T-shirt, you're not a fucking werewolf.
0:39:07 > 0:39:10And I hate being told because I'm at a festival, I have to have fun.
0:39:10 > 0:39:16I think the most depressing phrase in existence is, "There's a time a place to have fun and this isn't it."
0:39:16 > 0:39:20You know like when you're at school or work, people telling you it's not the place for fun.
0:39:20 > 0:39:22I think the other side of that is just as bad.
0:39:22 > 0:39:26People telling you that because you're in a club or at a festival, you have to enjoy yourself.
0:39:26 > 0:39:29I got bullied into dancing at a festival last year. I'm not proud of this.
0:39:29 > 0:39:34Unfortunately for me, my face's default setting is somewhere between worried and pissed off.
0:39:37 > 0:39:38That's how it falls.
0:39:38 > 0:39:42I'm waiting for my friend to come out of the gent's toilets at a festival,
0:39:42 > 0:39:43and this is just how I enjoy myself...
0:39:43 > 0:39:46The face, not waiting for my friend...
0:39:46 > 0:39:49I'm not a pervert.
0:39:49 > 0:39:53And as I'm stood there, I see this pack of angry ravers approaching and as they got close,
0:39:53 > 0:39:57I could see the ringleader wasn't happy with me just stood there and they got up close and he went,
0:39:57 > 0:39:59"Come on, mate, get into it. It's a festival!"
0:39:59 > 0:40:02Rather than giving the correct response to this - "All right,
0:40:02 > 0:40:05"I'm just waiting for my friend to come out of the toilet," I went...
0:40:11 > 0:40:14Waited till he turned around, watched him walk away, thinking,
0:40:14 > 0:40:17"Tell me to dance again, dickhead, see what you get."
0:40:17 > 0:40:21He turned back around, and I went, "Ooh, sorry, OK." It became a bit of a catchphrase that weekend -
0:40:21 > 0:40:23"Come on, it's a festival!"
0:40:23 > 0:40:26I heard it again, I was asleep in my tent, it was about four o'clock in the morning
0:40:26 > 0:40:29and some people had arrived late next to me putting their tent up.
0:40:29 > 0:40:33I got woken up because one of them stamped on my head through the wall of my tent.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35I went, "What the bloody hell are you doing?"
0:40:35 > 0:40:41He went, "Come on, mate, get into it, it's a festival." I said, "Oh, sorry, I forgot(!)
0:40:41 > 0:40:46"It's a festival. Go and get your mates, let's all have a stamp. Enjoy yourselves."
0:40:46 > 0:40:50Then, they're at it again. About an hour later, screaming this time.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52I'd just nodded off again. Screaming.
0:40:52 > 0:40:56"Aaaargh! I've had too much ketamine!", this bloke was saying.
0:40:56 > 0:40:59"I've had too much ketamine!" And I heard another voice saying,
0:40:59 > 0:41:02"I know what will sort you out, mate. A nice big dab of MDMA."
0:41:04 > 0:41:08I thought, thank God there's a health professional in there.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12Oh, Dr Feelbad and his drugs for everything method.
0:41:12 > 0:41:14What seems to be the problem here? Heart attack?
0:41:14 > 0:41:16Go and get the acid.
0:41:18 > 0:41:20So, this has been nice. It's gone well.
0:41:20 > 0:41:22I don't like to brag but I think it's gone OK.
0:41:22 > 0:41:25I don't like a bragger, I don't think anyone really does.
0:41:25 > 0:41:29Particularly, I hate people who try and disguise the fact that they're bragging.
0:41:29 > 0:41:33You know, these people, they'll try and trick you into thinking they're talking about something
0:41:33 > 0:41:37and in actual fact, the whole reason they'll be talking about it is so that halfway through,
0:41:37 > 0:41:39they slip a little brag in under the radar.
0:41:39 > 0:41:44We've all encountered this. It'll be something like, "Bloody hell, had to get a new water filter today.
0:41:44 > 0:41:48"Old one was broken. 25 quid for a new one from Boots.
0:41:48 > 0:41:49"Bloody annoying.
0:41:49 > 0:41:53"I could really have done with a drink of water as well, I'd just run ten miles in just under an hour.
0:41:55 > 0:42:02Bloody thing was broken. I was in ASDA again today. God, that shop. ASDA. Awful place, isn't it?
0:42:02 > 0:42:04That's stupid green uniform, the food's horrible.
0:42:04 > 0:42:08The problem is it's the only place in town that sells extra large condoms,
0:42:08 > 0:42:10so I have to keep going there.
0:42:12 > 0:42:16The problem is, a lot of people that do it, they're very good. They're very skilful.
0:42:16 > 0:42:18So everyone else has been fooled by them.
0:42:18 > 0:42:22They think it's been a normal conversation. I start slagging them off, I become the bad guy.
0:42:22 > 0:42:25I'm like, "Bloody hell, I don't think much of him. A bit of a big head, weren't he?
0:42:25 > 0:42:29Everyone's like, "Oh, come on, Paul. What's wrong with you? He's a nice enough bloke.
0:42:29 > 0:42:32"All he talked about was water filters and ASDA."
0:42:32 > 0:42:35I tell you, I met a bloke last week that did exactly that and it pissed me off.
0:42:35 > 0:42:38Last Wednesday, it was, quiz night at my local pub.
0:42:38 > 0:42:40I was in there having a drink with an ex-girlfriend of mine,
0:42:40 > 0:42:42glamour model, stunning. And this bloke...
0:42:42 > 0:42:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:42:51 > 0:42:55Ladies and gentlemen, you've been an absolute joy. I've been Paul McCaffery. Thank you very much.
0:42:55 > 0:42:57Thank you. Cheers. Nice one.
0:42:57 > 0:43:01Ladies and gentlemen, what a man, the wonderful Paul McCaffery!
0:43:01 > 0:43:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:04 > 0:43:09Thank you very much for watching Good News. Have an excellent Saturday night. Farewell.
0:43:14 > 0:43:17Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:43:37 > 0:43:40Let's have it one more time.