0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Thank you very much! Thank you very much!
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Thank you!
0:00:29 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Thanks very much. Thank you very much.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Hello and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Did anyone else see that giant reporter on Newsnight?
0:00:40 > 0:00:42..and these are the first elections...
0:00:42 > 0:00:44LAUGHTER
0:00:44 > 0:00:48The BBC interviewed the man with the scariest eyes ever!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Well, Chris Yates is an aviation pilot and joins us now...
0:00:51 > 0:00:53LAUGHTER
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Did anyone else see Downing Street being robbed on the news?
0:00:57 > 0:00:58People had expected...
0:00:58 > 0:01:00LAUGHTER
0:01:00 > 0:01:05Over at Newsnight, they had the least-threatening rap group EVER!
0:01:05 > 0:01:08RAPS: Mess around with me and I'm gonna scratch your cat. Uh!
0:01:08 > 0:01:11LAUGHTER
0:01:12 > 0:01:15- RAPS:- Underestimate my power I'm gonna kill your Chihuahua!
0:01:15 > 0:01:17LAUGHTER
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Staying in the world of music,
0:01:18 > 0:01:20check out the Australian version of The Voice.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24Is it me or does Seal appear to be masturbating?
0:01:24 > 0:01:27LAUGHTER
0:01:29 > 0:01:31# Don't you remember...? #
0:01:31 > 0:01:32LAUGHTER
0:01:34 > 0:01:36APPLAUSE
0:01:37 > 0:01:40So, what's been going on? Well, this guy has been everywhere.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42- Simon Cowell.- Simon Cowell.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44- Simon Cowell.- Simon Cowell. - Simon Cowell.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46- Simon Cowell.- High trousers.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- LAUGHTER - There was a book about him, he had an affair with Dannii Minogue,
0:01:49 > 0:01:52but the thing that caught my eye was his beauty regime.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Have you seen what he does?
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Every week, he is reportedly attached to a drip,
0:01:56 > 0:01:58which pumps vitamins through his body.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01He is said to travel with two suitcases
0:02:01 > 0:02:03full of eye drops and face creams.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06He also demands Botox injections twice a year.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09He needs all the help he can get!
0:02:09 > 0:02:12We've actually got a photo of him without Botox!
0:02:13 > 0:02:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Not only that, apparently, he spends thousands on his hair.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23How?!
0:02:23 > 0:02:27- LAUGHTER - It looks like a pube crash helmet!
0:02:27 > 0:02:30It gets stranger. Look what else he does!
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Simon's a fan of colonic irrigation.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35He thinks it gives his eyes a certain sparkle.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- GROANING AND LAUGHTER - Sparkle?!
0:02:37 > 0:02:40If you want your eyes to sparkle, splash them with water -
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- don't ram a hose up your arse! - LAUGHTER
0:02:42 > 0:02:46Besides, it doesn't make him sparkle, it makes his do this.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49SLOSHING WATER AND LAUGHTER
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Now, for me, this is his strangest habit.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59How weird is that?
0:02:59 > 0:03:00You won't be able to check what you've done!
0:03:00 > 0:03:03- LAUGHTER - Shut up - everyone checks!
0:03:03 > 0:03:04LAUGHTER
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Nobody knows why, but everyone checks!
0:03:07 > 0:03:09It's one of life's mysteries, innit?
0:03:09 > 0:03:13- It is not like you're ever going to go, "Oh, glitter!" you know? - LAUGHTER
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- "Tinker Bell's dead!" - LAUGHTER
0:03:19 > 0:03:22I doubt Cowell even wipes his own arse!
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I heard he gets someone to do it for him and he is NOT happy.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28LAUGHTER
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Elsewhere, the race to become London mayor was back in the news.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Did you see this INCREDIBLE headline?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- Jesus! - LAUGHTER
0:03:44 > 0:03:48Remind to never go to his doctors!
0:03:48 > 0:03:49"Erm...
0:03:49 > 0:03:51"how does this test my fitness?!"
0:03:51 > 0:03:54- LAUGHTER - "Shut up, Howard, I'm nearly there."
0:03:54 > 0:03:58- LAUGHTER - "Oh, God, I feel like Seal."
0:03:58 > 0:04:00LAUGHTER
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Now, did you watch the Sky News debates?
0:04:03 > 0:04:07Lib Dem candidate Brian Paddick had a bit of an identity crisis.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09I'm a professional politician.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11I'm NOT a professional politician. LAUGHTER
0:04:11 > 0:04:13I am passionate.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15I am NOT passionate.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17LAUGHTER
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Boris Johnson wins my award for biggest lie of the night.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22You can do extraordinary things in Croydon.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:29 > 0:04:32That is simply not true.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Boris was clearly bored. At one point, he started doodling.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39That wouldn't be honest either, but what I can comment on...
0:04:39 > 0:04:40LAUGHTER
0:04:40 > 0:04:43We have got hold of his drawing -
0:04:43 > 0:04:46the Boris-Saurus-Rex!
0:04:46 > 0:04:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Oh, yeah, cos I'm on the BBC,
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I have to give fair coverage to all the major players.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57So, here's Green Party candidate Jenny Jones.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58My name's Jenny Jones.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- Sorted! - LAUGHTER
0:05:00 > 0:05:03APPLAUSE
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Know what? There's some insane health stories knocking about.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Check out the latest craze sweeping across Taiwan.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Tu Chin-Sheng is the grand master of Yin Diao Gong,
0:05:14 > 0:05:18an extraordinary and controversial form of medicine
0:05:18 > 0:05:20for men who want to be all they can be.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23MEDICINE? Well, that is stretching it!
0:05:23 > 0:05:26You'll get that joke in about five seconds.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Look what this "medicine" entails.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30After deep breathing,
0:05:30 > 0:05:34each man ties a soft sash around his penis and scrotum... LOUD GROANING
0:05:34 > 0:05:37..and straps on a five-kilogram weight.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- SHOUTS:- That is not medicine!
0:05:39 > 0:05:41LAUGHTER
0:05:41 > 0:05:43That is pervert croquet, that's what that is!
0:05:43 > 0:05:45LAUGHTER
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- "The Green's are good, aren't they, Barry?" - LAUGHTER
0:05:51 > 0:05:52It is insane!
0:05:52 > 0:05:55This has to be understatement of the year.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Some doctors have suggested it may cause serious injury.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- LAUGHTER - Fucking right!
0:06:02 > 0:06:04He will have a dick like this guy's arm.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:13 > 0:06:16So, why the hell are Taiwanese men doing this?
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Master Tu believes conventional medicine
0:06:19 > 0:06:23will one day recognise the benefits of this exercise
0:06:23 > 0:06:28and see it as a safe alternative to potency-enhancing drugs like Viagra.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32"An alternative to Viagra!" It's hardly going to be romantic.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34"I tell you what, love. I'm going to make love to you all night,
0:06:34 > 0:06:38"just as soon as I finish stretching my penis with this lead weight.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42"You stay there love, you are in for the time of your life.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45- "Oh, I wouldn't want to be you! Oh-ho-ho!" - LAUGHTER
0:06:45 > 0:06:46"Linda..."
0:06:46 > 0:06:48LAUGHTER
0:06:48 > 0:06:50"Linda, can you phone an ambulance, please?
0:06:50 > 0:06:53"Make sure, it is a long one, I'm in real trouble here."
0:06:53 > 0:06:54LAUGHTER
0:06:54 > 0:06:58These guys don't just use it for sex. Check out this mad bastard.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01The more experienced practitioners
0:07:01 > 0:07:03are still to discover the limits of Yin Diao Gong.
0:07:03 > 0:07:08One man even offering to pull a van. LOUD GROANING
0:07:08 > 0:07:13- He is pulling a van with his wang! - LAUGHTER
0:07:13 > 0:07:17Let's hope to God the AA don't start doing that!
0:07:17 > 0:07:20"Hello, love, I'm the fourth emergency service.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22"Just warm the bad boy up! There we go!"
0:07:22 > 0:07:24LAUGHTER
0:07:24 > 0:07:25"Come on!"
0:07:25 > 0:07:27"My car's not even broken."
0:07:27 > 0:07:29"I'll be the judge of that, love!"
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- LAUGHTER - From one weird health story to another.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34A cemetery in southern Italy is now so full
0:07:34 > 0:07:37that the mayor has come up with a bizarre new law.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40TRANSLATOR: I issued a challenging ordnance in which I said,
0:07:40 > 0:07:44"Citizens, while we await the construction of the new cemetery,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46"I order you not to die."
0:07:46 > 0:07:49LAUGHTER
0:07:49 > 0:07:51The trouble is this "nobody is allowed to die" law
0:07:51 > 0:07:53isn't really working out.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56The law has indeed proved challenging to enforce.
0:07:56 > 0:08:01Within ten days of it being passed, two elderly residents disobeyed.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03LAUGHTER
0:08:03 > 0:08:05I love that, "Disobeyed"!
0:08:05 > 0:08:08They make it sound like they found them in bed like that.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10LAUGHTER
0:08:10 > 0:08:12What are they going to do with people who break the law,
0:08:12 > 0:08:13put them in jail?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15What are you in for?
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- FLIES BUZZING - Strong, silent type, eh?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21The screws won't get to you.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24LAUGHTER
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Oh?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Sleep on your belly, do you?
0:08:27 > 0:08:30You are going to fit in just fine.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:34 > 0:08:35What?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Now, I've saved my favourite for last.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42Over in Holland, a bloke has had an unusual reaction to an operation.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49You have to check this out, it is SO beautiful!
0:08:49 > 0:08:51HE GIGGLES
0:09:00 > 0:09:02HE GIGGLES
0:09:06 > 0:09:08LAUGHTER
0:09:08 > 0:09:10APPLAUSE
0:09:12 > 0:09:14It's... It's SO great!
0:09:16 > 0:09:20He's so happy and she looks like the grumpiest bulldog ever!
0:09:20 > 0:09:22LAUGHTER
0:09:22 > 0:09:25I'll tell you what, I could watch this man for hours.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Over in Australia, there's been an unusual theft.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Three British tourists have been accused
0:09:47 > 0:09:50of breaking into a theme park in Australia,
0:09:50 > 0:09:54swimming in the dolphin enclosure and escaping with a penguin.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57LAUGHTER
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Well, that is what I call a night out!
0:10:00 > 0:10:03How pissed do you have to be?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05"Shall we go to a nightclub?"
0:10:05 > 0:10:06"No!"
0:10:06 > 0:10:07LAUGHTER
0:10:07 > 0:10:10"No, we need to steal Pingu!"
0:10:10 > 0:10:12LAUGHTER
0:10:12 > 0:10:14I'm surprised they managed to steal him.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Some penguins are pretty tasty.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20PENGUIN SQUAWKS MAN SHOUTS
0:10:20 > 0:10:23LAUGHTER
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Not the oddest animal story of the week.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Have you heard about One Direction?
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Liam and Harry have reportedly had a bit of a health scare in Australia
0:10:32 > 0:10:34after handling a koala named Kat.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37You're probably thinking they got a scratch.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Oh, no.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42They're apparently worried that they could have caught chlamydia off the bear.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44LAUGHTER
0:10:47 > 0:10:49APPLAUSE
0:10:53 > 0:10:58- I know they are cute but who bums a koala?! - LAUGHTER
0:10:58 > 0:10:59This poor guy saw everything.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02LAUGHTER
0:11:02 > 0:11:05MUSIC: "Mad World" by Gary Jules
0:11:08 > 0:11:10APPLAUSE
0:11:14 > 0:11:16"That's my fucking wife!"
0:11:16 > 0:11:18LAUGHTER
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Although, not everyone was appalled.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25HE GIGGLES
0:11:25 > 0:11:31Next up, have you seen how a group of men are promoting tourism in Scandinavia?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34When tourism is down, there is nothing better to get it back up
0:11:34 > 0:11:37than a video of naked men humping things.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- LAUGHTER - Amen to that!
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Now, look at the video these guys created
0:11:42 > 0:11:45to get people to visit their country!
0:11:45 > 0:11:48SOFT PIANO AND FLUTE MUSIC
0:11:48 > 0:11:50POUNDING DANCE MUSIC
0:11:50 > 0:11:51LAUGHTER
0:11:51 > 0:11:53SOFT PIANO AND FLUTE MUSIC
0:11:53 > 0:11:57POUNDING DANCE MUSIC AND LAUGHTER
0:11:57 > 0:12:00SOFT PIANO AND FLUTE MUSIC
0:12:00 > 0:12:03POUNDING DANCE MUSIC AND LAUGHTER
0:12:03 > 0:12:07- It looks like Louie Spence's mind! - LAUGHTER
0:12:07 > 0:12:09How does that promote your country?!
0:12:09 > 0:12:13If you like a place, write something nice on TripAdvisor, don't fuck it!
0:12:13 > 0:12:16- LAUGHTER - It is a funny video though, innit?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19This guy's my favourite. Check this bloke out. Why?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Cos he's wearing a hat!
0:12:21 > 0:12:22LAUGHTER
0:12:22 > 0:12:24I also love this bloke.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25WHAT is that?
0:12:25 > 0:12:26LAUGHTER
0:12:28 > 0:12:30That's not shagging, it's rapey yoga!
0:12:30 > 0:12:32LAUGHTER
0:12:32 > 0:12:34I'll tell you what, if that's how they sell their country,
0:12:34 > 0:12:38can you imagine what their shopping channels are like?
0:12:38 > 0:12:39- SCANDINAVIAN ACCENT:- Hello!
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Welcome to the shopping channel.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45Gunter will now sell the toaster. Gunter!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Ahh! I love toasters! Oh!
0:12:47 > 0:12:51He loves toasters.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55'Warning, some of our toasters may contain pubes. Whoops!'
0:12:55 > 0:12:56LAUGHTER
0:12:56 > 0:12:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Over in America, a WONDERFUL reaction to a fire.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09An apartment kept fire crews busy this morning.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Five units were damaged
0:13:10 > 0:13:15and the entire complex may be without electricity for some time.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18You're probably thinking, "Russ, why are you showing me this?"
0:13:18 > 0:13:23Because I'd argue this is the greatest eyewitness account to a fire you will ever see.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27Well, I woke up to go get me a cold pop
0:13:27 > 0:13:30and then I thought somebody was barbecuing.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I said, "Oh, Lord Jesus, it's a fire."
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Then I ran out, I didn't grab no shoes or nothing, Jesus.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40I was running for my life and then the smoke got me.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44I got bronchitis! Ain't nobody got time for that!
0:13:44 > 0:13:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:49 > 0:13:54- "I got bronchitis. Ain't nobody got time for that!" - LAUGHTER
0:13:54 > 0:13:58This woman is fantastic, right, but the bizarre thing about this story,
0:13:58 > 0:14:01since she appeared on TV, she's become a celebrity.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03She's been on talk shows, she's been in magazines -
0:14:03 > 0:14:07some GENIUS even turned her rant into a song.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11# Ain't nobody got time for that Ain't nobody got time for that
0:14:11 > 0:14:13# Ain't nobody got time Ain't nobody got time
0:14:13 > 0:14:14# Ain't nobody got time for that
0:14:14 > 0:14:16# I said, "Oh, Lord Jesus, it's a fire!
0:14:16 > 0:14:19# I said, "Oh, Lord Jesus, it's a fire!
0:14:19 > 0:14:21# Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, it's a fire!
0:14:21 > 0:14:25# I said, Lord Jesus, it is a fire I said, Lord Jesus, it is a fire
0:14:25 > 0:14:27# I said, Lord Jesus, it is a fire
0:14:27 > 0:14:30# Jesus, Jesus, Jesus
0:14:30 > 0:14:35# Ain't nobody got time for that Ain't nobody got time for that
0:14:35 > 0:14:36# Ain't nobody got time # Ain't nobody got time
0:14:36 > 0:14:38# Ain't nobody got time for that. #
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- Well, I think... - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:41 > 0:14:46..we all have time for that.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50It is not my favourite fire-related story of the week.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Check out this incredible headline.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58LAUGHTER
0:14:58 > 0:15:00"Bastards!
0:15:00 > 0:15:03"Not one copy of Felching Nemo."
0:15:03 > 0:15:05LAUGHTER
0:15:09 > 0:15:12The big sporting story of the week was, of course, this.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Blue skies, perfect conditions
0:15:15 > 0:15:19and, for more than 35,000 runners, the ultimate challenge.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21The London Marathon is that rare sporting event
0:15:21 > 0:15:25where the world's fastest compete with the world's fanciest.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26I love the marathon so much!
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Not for the elite athletes, but for wonderful nutters like this.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33I've broken the record for the fastest female insect.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35The fastest marathon dressed as dairy product.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38I've ran the fastest marathon in a gas mask.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39LAUGHTER
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Just SO brilliant! "Are you going to run it normally?"
0:15:42 > 0:15:44"No, I am going to do it as a yoghurt."
0:15:44 > 0:15:46LAUGHTER
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Mind you, not everyone was pleased with their costume choice.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51So, Les, how was it this afternoon?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53It was awful. Absolutely awful.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56"I'm dressed as a rhino. Me nipples are ruined!"
0:15:56 > 0:15:58LAUGHTER
0:15:58 > 0:16:01I'll tell you what I love, the spirit the race creates.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03People running, the crowds cheering
0:16:03 > 0:16:06and who doesn't like to see a lovely bit of crowd work?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09CROWD CHEERS
0:16:10 > 0:16:12CROWD CHEERS
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- FEMALE:- Yay! Your biggest smile!
0:16:16 > 0:16:18CROWD CHEERS
0:16:18 > 0:16:20So sweet, isn't it?
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Now, one of the biggest talking points from the race
0:16:22 > 0:16:23came from Prince Harry.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31It is hardly news, these two have been doing it for years.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- "Hello!" - LAUGHTER
0:16:33 > 0:16:36I've got footage of them from last year.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39"No-one knows we're here, Liz."
0:16:40 > 0:16:41WIND BEING PASSED
0:16:41 > 0:16:45- LAUGHTER - "Oh, Philip, have you dropped one?"
0:16:45 > 0:16:49- "Sorry, baby. Papa had a bulgy." - LAUGHTER
0:16:50 > 0:16:52My personal highlight of the marathon -
0:16:52 > 0:16:54the signs held up by the crowd.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Some were a little bit cheeky...
0:16:55 > 0:16:57"Run Bitches."
0:16:57 > 0:16:58LAUGHTER
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Some were a little bit racist...
0:17:02 > 0:17:04LAUGHTER
0:17:04 > 0:17:06APPLAUSE
0:17:11 > 0:17:14..and some simply offered practical advice.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17LAUGHTER
0:17:17 > 0:17:21Next up, there's been a study analysing the intelligence of footballers.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24If you thought footballers were a bit dippy, think again.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26A new study by researchers in Sweden,
0:17:26 > 0:17:29has found they are often more intelligent than the rest of us.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32That's right, apparently footballers are more intelligent than us.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36I'm not so sure, some of them can get a bit tongue tied.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39With Joey Barton, you know that, you know what to expect.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42You know he's going to come strong in the tackle
0:17:42 > 0:17:43and he is going to come in your face
0:17:43 > 0:17:45and you have to be ready before the match...
0:17:45 > 0:17:48GUEST LAUGHS
0:17:48 > 0:17:49All right.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I'm not sure he'd go that far though!
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Mind you, there is one person in football who is a genius.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58I'm not talking Wayne Rooney or Stephen Gerrard,
0:17:58 > 0:18:00I'm talking this man -
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Bristolian legend Ian Holloway.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Oh, I could listen to him talk for hours.
0:18:04 > 0:18:09Most football managers are like, "At the end of the day, it's a game of two halves, blah-bla-bla..."
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Not Holloway.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14Look what he said when Blackpool got promoted to the Premier League.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21LAUGHTER
0:18:21 > 0:18:22I love him so much.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24He's like a football man just spliced with my mum.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I mean, who else describes a victory like this?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33LAUGHTER
0:18:35 > 0:18:38What's he even doing in that curtain? It's the best photo ever!
0:18:38 > 0:18:41My all-time Holloway quote has to be this belter.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Here he is describing Cristiano Ronaldo.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52LAUGHTER
0:18:52 > 0:18:54There's more! There is more.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59LAUGHTER
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Boom.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04APPLAUSE
0:19:06 > 0:19:09This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11There's a mystery guest who's been in the news,
0:19:11 > 0:19:13I have to figure out who that person is.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15So, please welcome our mystery guest.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- Hello.- Hello.- Nice to meet you. I'm Russell, what's your name?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- Natasha.- Natasha. Thanks for coming on the show.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33I imagine, Natasha, it has something to do with dogs.
0:19:33 > 0:19:38Quite big dogs by the look of it because those are pretty big bones.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40LAUGHTER
0:19:40 > 0:19:41Don't!
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Just saying they are big bones.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45- Do you look after big dogs? - Erm...
0:19:45 > 0:19:48- No.- Are you one of Snoop Dogg's bitches?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50LAUGHTER
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- No, you're not in the right area, no. - Not in the right area, erm...
0:19:53 > 0:19:57There's a trophy there. Have you got an award-winning dog?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- Yes, I have. Yes. - You have an award-winning dog?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- Is that why you have been in the news?- That's right, yes.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- What's the name of this dog?- Dizzy. - Dizzy the dog. What a lovely name!
0:20:05 > 0:20:09- Have we got your dog?- We might have.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10What, really?!
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Sweet. Would you like to meet Dizzy?
0:20:12 > 0:20:13- ALL:- Yes.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Diz! Diz-diz!
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Steady.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18ALL: Ahh!
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Good girl. Hello!
0:20:21 > 0:20:22All right, Dizzy?
0:20:22 > 0:20:26- So, why have you been in the news? - It was about two months ago.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Erm, basically, Dizzy and I competed at Crufts
0:20:29 > 0:20:31and we are the agility champions.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- She won at Crufts?- That's right, the agility class.- Fantastic.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36- That's worth a... - APPLAUSE
0:20:36 > 0:20:38- Well done. Well done.- Thank you.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42So, erm...
0:20:42 > 0:20:46- what we were planning is for you to do some agility with Dizzy.- Sweet.
0:20:46 > 0:20:51So, to give you an idea of what to expect, we'll run a short VT.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Let's look at you in action. Are you up for that, babydoll?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55LAUGHTER
0:21:14 > 0:21:16APPLAUSE
0:21:16 > 0:21:18DIZZY BARKS
0:21:18 > 0:21:20What are you doing? Come on.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Dizzy, please.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23- OK, so are you ready to have a go? - I am.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27- So, we're going to start over here... - Sorry, I just kicked your dog. - ..with the seesaw.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- LAUGHTER - I didn't, it was an accident.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33OK, so I'm going to talk you through what you're going to do with Dizzy.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34- Right.- So, this is the seesaw.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- Sweet.- We're going to start her off.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38I need to give you a treat - she needs a reward for it.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41So, you're going to start her off in a moment... LAUGHTER
0:21:41 > 0:21:45- Is that a cocktail sausage?- Yes. - Oh, interesting. - LAUGHTER
0:21:46 > 0:21:47GROANING
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- So, you're going to say "seesaw"... Ooh!- Sorry, go on.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- ..and then she'll stop at the end and then give her a treat.- OK, right.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- Along this side?- Yeah, whichever side.- Cool.- So, get ready.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- Dizzy.- OK, show her you've got the treat.- Dizzy!
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Ready? Seesaw. Come on.
0:21:59 > 0:22:00Wheyyy!
0:22:00 > 0:22:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:05 > 0:22:08- DIZZY BARKS - She likes sausages!- Yes.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Now we're going to do the tyre. So, we're going to set her up,
0:22:11 > 0:22:14you're going to go the other side and recall her through the tyre by calling her name.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16- Dizzy, sausage. - LAUGHTER
0:22:16 > 0:22:18APPLAUSE
0:22:18 > 0:22:20OK, finally, it's the weave.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22OK? So, just say "weave".
0:22:23 > 0:22:25- Sausage, weave! - LAUGHTER
0:22:27 > 0:22:28APPLAUSE
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Well done.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Good girl.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40I've got a surprise for you. I've been hearing that you've got a dog.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42- I got a smasher, yeah. - Have you?- Yeah.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- What's his name?- His name's Archie. - Hm, OK. I think he might be here.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- Have you got my dog here? - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- How have you got my dog here? - Can we bring in Archie?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53My... he'll attack!
0:22:53 > 0:22:57- Smasher! Top man! - GROANING AND CHATTERING
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Top man, come here.
0:22:59 > 0:23:00Archie!
0:23:03 > 0:23:05- Archie, top mutt.- There you go. - Cheers, man.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Hey!
0:23:07 > 0:23:11- Look at all these arseholes! Look. - LAUGHTER
0:23:11 > 0:23:14ALL: Ahhh!
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- Are you the number one smasher in the world? - LAUGHTER
0:23:17 > 0:23:20He's got attitude. What an absolute cracker!
0:23:20 > 0:23:21So, you want to do some agility with him?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Yeah, he wants to attack.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Archie, do you want to see... Oh, I don't want him to do it.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- I just like him being naughty! - LAUGHTER
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Top mutt, let's do some agility. Do you fancy that?
0:23:32 > 0:23:33I tell you what, he's not going to.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37- He is going to piss on something! - LAUGHTER
0:23:37 > 0:23:42Archie, this is your moment to be on telly and you're going to nail it.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- "Damn right, I am, sir!" - LAUGHTER
0:23:46 > 0:23:48"These pricks better recognise."
0:23:49 > 0:23:54Right, let's do this bit, through here and again with...
0:23:54 > 0:23:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:03 > 0:24:06I know he'd like to say a few words
0:24:06 > 0:24:09because there's a particular dog that Archie hates
0:24:09 > 0:24:11and he'd like to say this to the camera. Wouldn't you?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Monty?
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Monty, if you are watching...
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- I hate you... - LAUGHTER
0:24:18 > 0:24:21..and I'm going to kill you.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- Ladies and gentlemen... - LAUGHTER
0:24:23 > 0:24:25..the end of the mystery guest.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28I'm going to take this smasher for a treat.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- Please give it for the wonderful Natasha!- Thank you.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35- LAUGHTER - And for Archie. Top mutt!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Take a look at this story from Iran.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47This Iranian guy, 21-year-old,
0:24:47 > 0:24:51thought it'd be a really great idea to have a tattoo on his penis.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52LAUGHTER
0:24:52 > 0:24:56We haven't got a picture, but we do have what he wrote on it.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58Which means...
0:25:00 > 0:25:01LAUGHTER
0:25:01 > 0:25:04The trouble, is when it's cold, girls will be going,
0:25:04 > 0:25:07"Why does it say "boat" on your dick?" It's madness.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11If you are going to get ANYTHING tattooed on your penis, get this.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Ain't nobody got time for that! LAUGHTER
0:25:14 > 0:25:16The best thing about this story -
0:25:16 > 0:25:18the penis tattoo didn't exactly work out.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Since that happened, he now has a permanent erection.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:25:22 > 0:25:24I think this guy sums it up best.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27HE GIGGLES
0:25:27 > 0:25:30APPLAUSE
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Tonight's story is about Claire Squires,
0:25:36 > 0:25:39who tragically died running the London Marathon last weekend.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Claire's aim was to raise just 500 quid for the Samaritans
0:25:41 > 0:25:45but with the incredible outpouring of support from around the world,
0:25:45 > 0:25:49donations have been continuing to come in at, like, £14,000 an hour.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Look at this, it's wonderful.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53The 30-year-old hairdresser from Leicestershire
0:25:53 > 0:25:57collapsed near St James' Park, on the final stretch of the course.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01The tributes have been pouring in, but so too have donations.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03In 24 hours Claire's story has gone global,
0:26:03 > 0:26:05with hundreds of pounds worth of donations
0:26:05 > 0:26:07made by strangers every minute.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11At the beginning of the day the total stood at around £3,000.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Now, it is nearing £99,000...
0:26:14 > 0:26:15..£180,000...
0:26:15 > 0:26:16..£218,000...
0:26:16 > 0:26:18..£264,000...
0:26:18 > 0:26:21..£597,000...
0:26:21 > 0:26:24And this is not people giving large sums of money.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26In many cases, it is £5 or £10,
0:26:26 > 0:26:30showing this cause is having an increasingly widespread appeal.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Others got in touch from Australia, New Zealand and Tokyo,
0:26:34 > 0:26:37as different nations have woken up to the story.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40She was the most beautiful person, inside and out,
0:26:40 > 0:26:41but she had no idea of it.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44She had no arrogance about her at all.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46She was a giver all the time.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51Claire was already well-known in her hometown as a tireless fundraiser,
0:26:51 > 0:26:56now her story is inspiring thousands of strangers all over the world.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59APPLAUSE
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for my stand-up guest
0:27:06 > 0:27:10so please welcome her today, it's the wonderful Dana Alexander!
0:27:10 > 0:27:12APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:13 > 0:27:15All right!
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Fantastic! Oh, my gosh, so nice to be here.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22As you can tell, I have a little bit of an accent.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26I made the mistake of moving from Toronto to Tottenham.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28LAUGHTER
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Google that shit.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31That's all I have to say.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33They burned my entire neighbourhood down in a riot last summer.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35- AUDIENCE:- Aw! - I know!
0:27:35 > 0:27:39They even burned my gym down. The riots made me fat.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41LAUGHTER
0:27:41 > 0:27:45Very exciting. So exciting to be in England now. I'm an immigrant now.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46- AUDIENCE:- Woo!
0:27:46 > 0:27:50I love saying that in rooms full of white English people.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52A lot of them get really quiet.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54LAUGHTER
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Then you always get that one person that pipes up, "Oh, so...
0:27:57 > 0:27:58"Are you staying?"
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Like, "Yes, specifically to take your job."
0:28:07 > 0:28:09And then I always get challenged because I am in stand-up.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13They're like, "If you were any good at your job, why wouldn't you go to Los Angeles?"
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Let's be real, I am a little chubby for Los Angeles.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17- AUDIENCE:- Aw!
0:28:17 > 0:28:18I know, I had to come to the UK!
0:28:18 > 0:28:20- AUDIENCE:- Ooooo!
0:28:20 > 0:28:23I know, you guys let ugly people on TV!
0:28:23 > 0:28:25LAUGHTER
0:28:25 > 0:28:27I shouldn't say that, we also let ugly people on TV in Canada.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30We call it "a documentary".
0:28:31 > 0:28:35Lots of fun. Oh, my gosh, lots of stuff is new to me, living in the UK.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37I didn't know gypsies were real!
0:28:37 > 0:28:39LAUGHTER
0:28:39 > 0:28:42APPLAUSE
0:28:47 > 0:28:51Lots of stuff is new to me. I didn't know about posh. That's new to me.
0:28:51 > 0:28:55The only thing we know about posh in Canada is a Spice Girl.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58You go to certain areas in England and they think everything...
0:28:58 > 0:29:01There is this one area, I can't remember the name of the area
0:29:01 > 0:29:04but everybody in this neighbourhood thought they were better than me,
0:29:04 > 0:29:06even the pigeons in the park were just like...
0:29:06 > 0:29:09LAUGHTER
0:29:09 > 0:29:10It's nice to travel around.
0:29:10 > 0:29:14One of my good friends, a Welsh friend of mine, 22-years-old,
0:29:14 > 0:29:20he told me it wasn't until he was 22-years-old that he met his very first black person.
0:29:20 > 0:29:25Which is fine, the problem I had is that he likes gangsta rap.
0:29:25 > 0:29:31I had to explain the shit, "You know 50 Cent, he's not our ambassador."
0:29:31 > 0:29:33It's tough, it's tough listening to a lot of hip-hop
0:29:33 > 0:29:35cos a lot of it I find very negative.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38I'm like, why does it always have to be so negative, hip-hop?
0:29:38 > 0:29:42I figured out. It's because a lot of negative stuff rhymes with black.
0:29:42 > 0:29:46Crack, smack, attack...
0:29:46 > 0:29:49Even if you're in IT, you just pretend you're a gangster
0:29:49 > 0:29:53because it's too hard to rhyme shit with computer!
0:29:53 > 0:29:55LAUGHTER
0:29:55 > 0:29:59Oh, my gosh. So it is a lot of fun travelling around here.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02I went to the United States. Anybody here ever been to the United States?
0:30:02 > 0:30:05AUDIENCE WHOOPS Woo! You know what, as a Canadian...
0:30:05 > 0:30:08Everybody feels the way that they feel about Americans,
0:30:08 > 0:30:11but I've actually started to feel really bad for Americans,
0:30:11 > 0:30:13cos, moving to this country, everybody thinks I am one.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Then they treat me like shit.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20It's interesting when you see how the Americans roll.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23I went to go and visit my family in Miami.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25It was my very first time to hear a gunshot.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27Woo! That was fun.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30Me and my brother, we just got down on the ground.
0:30:30 > 0:30:31My cousin looks at us, she's like, "What?"
0:30:33 > 0:30:35Y'all ain't got gunshots up in Canada?
0:30:37 > 0:30:38Like, no!
0:30:39 > 0:30:42We also have white people in Canada.
0:30:42 > 0:30:47There were no white people in Miami, it shocked the hell out of me.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50She's all like, "Oh, yeah, we got two white kids in our school,
0:30:50 > 0:30:51"but I'm nice to them."
0:30:51 > 0:30:53LAUGHTER
0:30:55 > 0:30:57It's interesting going to the United States,
0:30:57 > 0:30:59cos you see Americans on television and you're like,
0:30:59 > 0:31:03"No, they can't really be that ignorant," but then I went to the United States.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06My cousin actually asked me, she's like, "So, who did you vote for?
0:31:06 > 0:31:08"McCain or Obama?"
0:31:08 > 0:31:12I'm like, "I live in a different country
0:31:12 > 0:31:16"from you, I can't vote in your federal election."
0:31:16 > 0:31:19She's like, "Oh! I thought we took y'all over."
0:31:19 > 0:31:21LAUGHTER
0:31:24 > 0:31:26We're flaky, us North Americans.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29You guys noticed North Americans are too flaky?
0:31:29 > 0:31:31Any time you have any type of unsavoury behaviour
0:31:31 > 0:31:36in North America, it is always classified as a disease or a disorder.
0:31:36 > 0:31:40Then instead of sorting your life out, you just tell everybody, "I suffer!
0:31:40 > 0:31:43"I'm a hoarder."
0:31:43 > 0:31:47Clean your fucking house, how is that...!
0:31:47 > 0:31:49How is this a disease?
0:31:51 > 0:31:52Oh, my gosh.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55Do you ever find that there's certain diseases
0:31:55 > 0:31:58only happen in certain ethnic groups?
0:31:58 > 0:32:01For example I could never be a kleptomaniac.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03Do you know what a black kleptomaniac is?
0:32:03 > 0:32:04A thief.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09So, yes, it was interesting.
0:32:09 > 0:32:11The United States has had a lot of fun.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13So who watched the inauguration of Obama?
0:32:13 > 0:32:15A FEW WHOOPS A couple of people.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17I was so excited watching the inauguration,
0:32:17 > 0:32:20except for the parade part
0:32:20 > 0:32:24when he was just walking out in the open, I was like, "Stay in the car!"
0:32:24 > 0:32:27Do you know what I mean? JFK sat in the car.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30If I was Obama I would have a bullet-proof hamster ball.
0:32:30 > 0:32:31LAUGHTER
0:32:34 > 0:32:38Very exciting. A lot of people are very hard on Obama.
0:32:38 > 0:32:42We forget that Obama has to govern Americans. That's not easy.
0:32:42 > 0:32:47I saw a guy on CNN protesting free healthcare
0:32:47 > 0:32:49with one tooth in his mouth.
0:32:49 > 0:32:50LAUGHTER
0:32:50 > 0:32:54I'm serious. He's just sitting there, "I don't think it's a good idea."
0:32:56 > 0:33:01Can you imagine being the president of that? It's hard.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05It's not easy.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08I find Canadians... I feel like such a giant in this country.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11I feel like Gandalf, do you know what I mean?
0:33:11 > 0:33:13Just around a bunch of hobbits!
0:33:13 > 0:33:16I don't know what it is, I don't know what it is about being
0:33:16 > 0:33:18a tall woman that will always attract the smallest men.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24When you see him from across the way you think he might be the right height
0:33:24 > 0:33:26but then he gets closer...
0:33:26 > 0:33:27And closer...
0:33:27 > 0:33:31And then he always looks at you like he's going to climb a mountain, he's like...
0:33:33 > 0:33:36I'm like, "You can't have what you can't reach."
0:33:36 > 0:33:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:33:44 > 0:33:47That's why the cookies are on the top shelf.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49LAUGHTER
0:33:51 > 0:33:55Terrible. You know what, one good thing about being a giant,
0:33:55 > 0:33:58I'm never afraid that anyone's ever going to drug my drink.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00Cos if they have any foresight at all,
0:34:00 > 0:34:03how the fuck are they going to get me home?
0:34:03 > 0:34:05You've to get creative about that.
0:34:05 > 0:34:08There's just, like, a shopping trolley.
0:34:09 > 0:34:14Yes, so I'm single again. Make some noise if you're in a relationship. Who's in a relationship?
0:34:14 > 0:34:16WHOOPING
0:34:16 > 0:34:19Awesome, who's single? WHOOPING
0:34:19 > 0:34:21You notice that they always sound happier?
0:34:21 > 0:34:24LAUGHTER Every single time.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26I have a little bit too much personality,
0:34:26 > 0:34:29so I always have to tone my stuff down, especially if I'm on a first date.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32It's terrible, especially if you're on a date with
0:34:32 > 0:34:35a guy that's really boring, but you know you want to get laid.
0:34:35 > 0:34:36LAUGHTER
0:34:36 > 0:34:39It's very easy, it's very easy what to do in that situation -
0:34:39 > 0:34:41just pretend you're a little bit dumb.
0:34:41 > 0:34:43Seriously, he's telling you the most boring story
0:34:43 > 0:34:47you've ever heard in your life, you're like, "Oh, my God! Really?"
0:34:47 > 0:34:50"You're so funny!" LAUGHTER
0:34:50 > 0:34:51"Oh, my God!"
0:34:52 > 0:34:56My mind was like, "Fuck me, please."
0:34:57 > 0:35:02"This is so depressing." LAUGHTER
0:35:02 > 0:35:05I do like the burly guys. I like when guys can do some manly stuff.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08Sometimes I get the ones who are a little bit too manly.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10Ever had sex with a guy that sweats too much?
0:35:10 > 0:35:13AUDIENCE GROANS She knows.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17I'm a good sport though, so I'm laying there and I'm like, hee hee.
0:35:17 > 0:35:21And then I just reach over to the side table and I grab a tissue...
0:35:21 > 0:35:24LAUGHTER
0:35:24 > 0:35:28He looks down at me, and he's like, "Would you please stop doing that, it's not sexy!
0:35:28 > 0:35:30I'm like, "It's getting in my eyes!"
0:35:30 > 0:35:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:36 > 0:35:40Yes, you can probably tell by that accent,
0:35:40 > 0:35:41my ex is Italian.
0:35:41 > 0:35:44It's interesting when you date outside of your race because
0:35:44 > 0:35:48you find out that your cultures have things in common that you never thought you had in common.
0:35:48 > 0:35:52My ex is Italian and we're having sex and I'm like, "Don't touch my hair."
0:35:52 > 0:35:54And he's like, "No, don't touch my hair!"
0:35:54 > 0:35:57It's very confusing for me, cos his hair was everywhere!
0:35:57 > 0:35:59LAUGHTER
0:36:02 > 0:36:04I'm like, "Do you want me to touch you in your eyeball?"
0:36:09 > 0:36:12So it's 2012, I'm old, I'm 30 now.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14- AUDIENCE:- Aw!
0:36:14 > 0:36:16Really.
0:36:16 > 0:36:21It's funny how something as small as a grey pubic hair can make you want to change your life.
0:36:21 > 0:36:2530 years old. You know the thing I'm afraid of when it comes to ageing?
0:36:25 > 0:36:28I have an aunt right now. She's going a bit senile.
0:36:28 > 0:36:32She believes that the ghosts in the house want to rape her.
0:36:32 > 0:36:35That's not even the funny part. The funny part is my cousin's reaction.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37Like, "Why would the ghosts want to rape you
0:36:37 > 0:36:40"when my fine coochie is sitting in the next room?"
0:36:40 > 0:36:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:46 > 0:36:48Yes!
0:36:48 > 0:36:53Anybody here afraid for the children? I am afraid for the kids.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56Have you guys seen how little kids are dressing?
0:36:56 > 0:36:58It's shocking.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01I saw a six-year-old girl wearing high-heeled shoes. I am like, what!
0:37:01 > 0:37:04I can't believe your mother lets you out of the house like that.
0:37:04 > 0:37:06She's like, "Shut up, I make my own money."
0:37:06 > 0:37:08LAUGHTER
0:37:10 > 0:37:12I think it's the discipline.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15They don't discipline kids the way that we used to get disciplined.
0:37:15 > 0:37:18Now you see a lot of fun things. You guys look like you are a younger generation.
0:37:18 > 0:37:22Make some noise if you were ever put on a leash or a lead as a child.
0:37:22 > 0:37:23WHOOPING
0:37:23 > 0:37:25There's no hope.
0:37:26 > 0:37:29I don't know how you could put your child on a leash or a lead
0:37:29 > 0:37:32and expect things to get better.
0:37:32 > 0:37:36I saw a kid in a harness, with a helmet on.
0:37:36 > 0:37:37LAUGHTER
0:37:37 > 0:37:40I'm not a psychiatrist, but I know this,
0:37:40 > 0:37:42it's time for a beating.
0:37:42 > 0:37:43LAUGHTER
0:37:43 > 0:37:47I know you can't say beatings in 2012, people get really sensitive.
0:37:47 > 0:37:50I'm not talking about knocking out some teeth,
0:37:50 > 0:37:53I'm talking about a formalised spanking.
0:37:53 > 0:37:57I was spanked as a child, that's why I'm not a prostitute today.
0:37:57 > 0:37:58LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:38:04 > 0:38:07And it's the toys, you see the toys that we give kids?
0:38:07 > 0:38:09I remember getting the lamest toys as a kid.
0:38:09 > 0:38:11I remember getting this one toy.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14It was like, "This is a raccoon on a string, just pull it."
0:38:14 > 0:38:17Have you seen the new toys that kids have. Have you seen Tickle Me Elmo?
0:38:17 > 0:38:22Have you seen this toy? This doll will not stop evolving.
0:38:22 > 0:38:26Do you know that Elmo now has a stand-up comedy routine?
0:38:26 > 0:38:31Elmo can actually tell your child a story at the end of the night.
0:38:31 > 0:38:34I wish Elmo would just tell your kids the truth,
0:38:34 > 0:38:37which is, "Your parents do not want to play with you."
0:38:37 > 0:38:39LAUGHTER
0:38:42 > 0:38:43That is the truth.
0:38:44 > 0:38:48Beatings don't even work on all the kids in my family.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51We had to convince my little cousin that the bogeyman is real.
0:38:52 > 0:38:55You ever do that to a kid under five years old?
0:38:55 > 0:38:56It works.
0:38:57 > 0:39:00Any time she starts to act up, her grandmother is just like,
0:39:00 > 0:39:03"Desani, I'm going to call him."
0:39:05 > 0:39:08This baby's on the ground and she's like, "No!"
0:39:08 > 0:39:11Her grandma picks up a cell phone and she is like boo-boo boo-boo.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14"Hello, is the bogeyman there?"
0:39:14 > 0:39:16LAUGHTER
0:39:16 > 0:39:19She's like, "You're lucky, Desani, he's not home right now. You're lucky!"
0:39:19 > 0:39:21LAUGHTER
0:39:26 > 0:39:30It's terrible. Oh, I miss those young days. I miss those young days.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33I'm at that age where I'm too old for the dance club
0:39:33 > 0:39:35but I'm not yet a cougar.
0:39:36 > 0:39:38Do we have cougars out here?
0:39:38 > 0:39:41Like, "Don't give up our location!"
0:39:41 > 0:39:44Oh, my gosh. What I wouldn't give to be a cougar!
0:39:44 > 0:39:46I feel like the world cougar is so negative,
0:39:46 > 0:39:49I feel we need to change the word cougar to hero.
0:39:49 > 0:39:51Role model, you know what I mean?
0:39:51 > 0:39:55Cos if I'm 50 years old and I'm tapping 25-year-old ass,
0:39:55 > 0:39:58the only thing I need is a pimp suit.
0:39:59 > 0:40:03That is the only thing that I need.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05Do we have broke people out here? Anybody broke?
0:40:05 > 0:40:08WHOOPING Living in London, that's a new broke!
0:40:08 > 0:40:11That's the funnest thing to do in London,
0:40:11 > 0:40:14sit around with your friends and compare how broke you are.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17I was so broke out one point I couldn't even go on a date,
0:40:17 > 0:40:19I couldn't even go on a date for drinks.
0:40:19 > 0:40:23I'm like, "Um, maybe you want to walk around my block with a cider?"
0:40:24 > 0:40:27He's like, "It's 10.00am!"
0:40:27 > 0:40:28I'm like, "I won't judge you."
0:40:28 > 0:40:30LAUGHTER
0:40:30 > 0:40:33Yes, London, nothing shocks people in London. Even after the riots...
0:40:33 > 0:40:35The riots, they burnt down my neighbourhood.
0:40:35 > 0:40:40The only thing my cousin had to say was, "Oh, them burn down the buses,
0:40:40 > 0:40:42"them burn up the shop.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45"Them not understand, what are you going to do when you want milk?"
0:40:45 > 0:40:48"Just burn down the police station and call it a day."
0:40:48 > 0:40:49LAUGHTER
0:40:51 > 0:40:54Nothing shocks... I got on the tube. This guy gets on behind me.
0:40:54 > 0:40:56He has Doritos all over his breasts.
0:40:56 > 0:40:57LAUGHTER
0:40:59 > 0:41:02Then he starts talking to somebody that's not there.
0:41:02 > 0:41:03Then he starts falling asleep.
0:41:03 > 0:41:06This is the face of everybody on the tube...
0:41:06 > 0:41:08LAUGHTER
0:41:10 > 0:41:13I thought I was hallucinating. I'm like, "Can you see him?"
0:41:15 > 0:41:17Sorry, I'm from Canada.
0:41:17 > 0:41:18We stare.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23Any of you guys get the jumpers? People actually try to
0:41:23 > 0:41:25kill themselves jumping in front of the tube?
0:41:25 > 0:41:27Aren't there are easier ways to die?
0:41:27 > 0:41:30If you are that serious about dying, I'll push you.
0:41:32 > 0:41:36My question is, do you have to do it at 5:30pm?
0:41:36 > 0:41:39Rush-hour traffic.
0:41:39 > 0:41:42You think the world hated you before.
0:41:42 > 0:41:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:41:44 > 0:41:47Thank you guys very much. I've been Dana Alexander.
0:41:47 > 0:41:49Take care. Have a good night.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING
0:41:52 > 0:41:55Thank you, that was the wonderful Dana Alexander!
0:41:58 > 0:42:02Thank you very much for watching Good News. Good night.
0:42:02 > 0:42:06APPLAUSE AND CHEERING