0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains strong language and adult humour
0:00:21 > 0:00:23APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Wow, thank you!
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Hello.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Hello, and welcome to Good News.
0:00:36 > 0:00:37So, what's been happening?
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Is it me, or has Bono really let himself go?
0:00:41 > 0:00:44How much does one of these cost and how much extra...
0:00:44 > 0:00:48I'll tell you what, some journalists have got weird names.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Hello, my name is Lesbian.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Over on BBC Breakfast,
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Susanna Reid described what her orgasms sound like.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59It sounds like a dwarf driving a truck
0:00:59 > 0:01:03without being able to reach the pedals.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06"Ngggah! Ngggah!"
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Mine are more kind of, "Mmm."
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Finally, this has to be the best delayed reaction I've ever seen.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33So the major story in the news was, of course, the local elections.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Millions of voters have been casting their ballots.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Labour trounced the Conservatives in the local elections.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41David Cameron apologised to Tory candidates who'd lost their seats.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Sorry.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Mind you, if you think the Tories had a bad night,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49look what happened to the Lib Dems.
0:01:49 > 0:01:54In one council ward in Edinburgh, their candidate was even beaten
0:01:54 > 0:01:55by a man dressed as a penguin.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Beaten a man dressed as a penguin!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02"Good night?"
0:02:02 > 0:02:05"No. I lost to Pingu."
0:02:06 > 0:02:08This guy wins my award
0:02:08 > 0:02:11for most literal piece of journalism of the week.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15A shout, a wave, and a reassuring pat on the back
0:02:15 > 0:02:19followed by a few more waves and then some handshakes.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22That is the Ronseal of journalism.
0:02:22 > 0:02:27"Now he's walking using his feet, left, right, left, right.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29"Left, right.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34"Left, right. Left, right.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36"Left, right.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39"Left, left, bit of hopping, left."
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Sky News and BBC One blew the budget on fancy graphics.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47So the Conservatives are still the largest party.
0:02:47 > 0:02:52David Cameron comes into this election expecting to lose seats.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54BBC Scotland? They went to Poundland.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57All the candidates who have reached that magic number are in.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01The big election story was definitely the battle
0:03:01 > 0:03:02to become London Mayor.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05In the last couple of weeks, the candidates have lost it.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Ken Livingstone told us he only likes dead people.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Favourite Londoner?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Favourite Londoner? No-one who's currently alive.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19Jenny Jones came across as a bit of a goer.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Favourite place in London?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22My bedroom.
0:03:23 > 0:03:28And Brian Paddick revealed what he shouts at the point of orgasm.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Ooh, Sherlock Holmes!
0:03:36 > 0:03:39To be honest, there was only ever going to be one winner.
0:03:39 > 0:03:44Boris Johnson is re-elected Mayor of London.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46- Are you ready?- "No," is the answer.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49"I haven't a bloody clue!
0:03:49 > 0:03:52"Didn't even know I was Mayor."
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Did you see why Boris' dad reckons he won?
0:03:56 > 0:04:00Why is it Boris is possibly the most popular Tory in London?
0:04:00 > 0:04:01It's probably to do with his hair,
0:04:01 > 0:04:04you know, hair counts for a lot nowadays.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07I've still got a bit of hair, but he has more hair.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11I love the fact you weren't sure that was his dad,
0:04:11 > 0:04:15and the second he started talking, "Oh, no, it's definitely Boris's..."
0:04:15 > 0:04:19He's great, isn't he? "Nothing to do with policies. It's his hair!
0:04:19 > 0:04:20"Have you seen it?
0:04:20 > 0:04:24"You could fit a family of barn owls in that magnificent thatch.
0:04:24 > 0:04:30"In fact, sometimes I look at my son and think, 'Ooh, Sherlock Holmes!'"
0:04:32 > 0:04:34He wasn't the only one impressed with Boris.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Boris Johnson is a very charismatic guy,
0:04:36 > 0:04:39he's a potential leader of the Conservative Party,
0:04:39 > 0:04:40he's very attractive...
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Attractive?!
0:04:42 > 0:04:44No, he's not, he looks like a llama.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:50 > 0:04:51I know why Boris won.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Because he's a lovable buffoon.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56- Where's the leaflets, team?- There.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Oh, there. Sorry.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00"Sorry!"
0:05:00 > 0:05:02He also promised that if he won,
0:05:02 > 0:05:05he'd reveal the nickname for his penis.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07It's true. Here were some of the contenders.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Is it the sombrero, is it the horseshoe mushroom?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Is it a gigantic UFO?
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Is it the world's biggest-ever example of a half-eaten macaroon?
0:05:20 > 0:05:21They're all good.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25But tonight I can officially announce the winner is...
0:05:25 > 0:05:27OK, um...
0:05:27 > 0:05:28Dr Johnson.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Dr Johnson.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35He's the one-eyed physician and he's on a mission.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40It's ridiculous. Dr Johnson?! He sounds like a pervy superhero.
0:05:40 > 0:05:45"I am Dr Johnson. I have only one nemesis in this world."
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Hello, my name is Lesbian.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52"We'll see about that, lady!"
0:05:56 > 0:05:59I tell you what, some shocking health stories knocking about.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Did you see this?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03A mother with a passion for tanning
0:06:03 > 0:06:06is facing a charge of child endangerment
0:06:06 > 0:06:09after being accused of allowing her young daughter into a tanning booth.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Passion for tanning?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14You're probably thinking, "I doubt she does it that much."
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Well, feast your eyes on this mess.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18If people get...
0:06:18 > 0:06:22To each his own. To each his own. I like it, yeah.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25She looks like a fucking Lion bar!
0:06:27 > 0:06:29What is that?!
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Listen to what she reckons her kid was actually doing at the tan shop.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37I'm in the booth.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41She's outside playing princess, trying to be like Mummy.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Trying to be like Mum? What, is she head-butting Marmite?
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Check out this wonderful bit of bullshit.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50When I talked with her today,
0:06:50 > 0:06:53she told me she did NOT go to the tanning salon today,
0:06:53 > 0:06:56and the dark colour you see on her face is make-up.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Make-up?! Only if she's using this.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02LAUGHTER
0:07:02 > 0:07:05So, what's next? Oh, my God, did you hear about this?
0:07:14 > 0:07:19He had a boner for two years!
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Ain't nobody got time for that!
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Ain't nobody got time for that!
0:07:26 > 0:07:29What I want to know, what was he doing to the motorbike
0:07:29 > 0:07:30to get an erection?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32"Dave...
0:07:32 > 0:07:35"that is not how you check the oil."
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Tell you what, I bet he doesn't do the school run.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41"Who wants a lift with Daddy?" "I'll walk. I'll walk."
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Let's hope he never has an accident. Imagine that, laid on the floor
0:07:44 > 0:07:48with a massive rod on. You know the police would take the piss. "Pass me that doughnut.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50"Hoopla!"
0:07:51 > 0:07:54He's not the unluckiest bloke in the news.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Have a look at what happened to a man from Poland.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00He dumped his girlfriend, who happens to be a dentist,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02for another woman
0:08:02 > 0:08:06and then days later went to his ex's office to have some dental work done.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07So what did she do?
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Well, she gave her ex a large dose of anaesthetic
0:08:09 > 0:08:13and yanked all 32 of his teeth.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14- AUDIENCE GROAN - What a bitch.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17She's like the most fucked-up tooth fairy ever.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21It gets worse.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23He's now single, after his new girlfriend dumped him
0:08:23 > 0:08:25for being toothless.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28That is a tough week!
0:08:28 > 0:08:31"I've got no teeth. Do you still love me?"
0:08:31 > 0:08:34"No, you look like a plunger."
0:08:35 > 0:08:36Poor sod.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39If he hears this on the radio, he'll top himself.
0:08:39 > 0:08:44# You better smile, smile, smile smile, smile, smile, smile
0:08:44 > 0:08:46# Smile, smile, smile smile, smile, smile
0:08:46 > 0:08:49# Ah-ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah-ah
0:08:49 > 0:08:53# You better smile. #
0:08:55 > 0:08:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Now here is a WEIRD headline.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11And I predict she lives alone...
0:09:11 > 0:09:13and has many cats.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Let's check out her magical powers.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Behold the mystical, delicate way she makes that prediction.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Ugh!
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I tried it earlier and it said what we're all thinking.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Ohhh....
0:09:39 > 0:09:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Now, talking of bollocks, big news in the art world.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52The Turner Prize nominations have been announced.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55In case you are not familiar, here's some previous winners.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Well, we've had unmade beds, pickled sharks and even elephant dung.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00The Turner Prize wouldn't be the Turner Prize
0:10:00 > 0:10:03without causing just a little bit of controversy.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07They're not controversial, they're just a bit shit. Look at this.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Performance artist Spartacus Chetwynd has been nominated
0:10:11 > 0:10:15for the Turner Prize, for this piece, Odd Man Out.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18LAUGHTER
0:10:18 > 0:10:20It's like beach volleyball for Goths.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23I wonder what the asparagus thinks of it.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Next up, this cheery ray of sunshine.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Luke Fowler has also been nominated for his third film
0:10:34 > 0:10:37exploring the life of Scottish psychiatrist RD Laing.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Darkness, desolation,
0:10:40 > 0:10:43life pared down to the bone.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- AUDIENCE CLAP - Don't clap!
0:10:49 > 0:10:52In fairness, this next one is pretty good.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Paul Noble has been nominated
0:10:54 > 0:10:58for a series of detailed pencil drawings of Nobson Newtown...
0:10:58 > 0:11:03Those are amazing, aren't they? So, what's Nobson Newtown?
0:11:03 > 0:11:06..a fictional metropolis populated by turds.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14People who look like turds?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16I wonder who could live there.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20To each his own. To each his own. I like it, yeah.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27The big news from France was, of course, this.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29France has elected a new president tonight.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33The socialist Francois Hollande has defeated Nicolas Sarkozy
0:11:33 > 0:11:34by a clear majority.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Here's a tip. If you are going to report on the French elections,
0:11:38 > 0:11:39find somewhere quiet.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43I have to say that we witnessed it back at the American elections...
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Victoria Beckham!
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Rihanna! Yes!
0:11:48 > 0:11:51..where John McCain lost. The complete contrast
0:11:51 > 0:11:53in the celebrations here...
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Victoria Beckham, she's very beautiful.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01I think we're going to have to leave Robert there.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04"I love you so much, Victoria!"
0:12:04 > 0:12:05So, what else has been going on?
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Well, a year on from his death, Osama bin Laden is back in the news.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13New insights into Al-Qaeda strategy have been revealed in papers
0:12:13 > 0:12:16which were seized from Osama bin Laden's hideout in Pakistan
0:12:16 > 0:12:17after he was killed.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20The US have released hundreds of secret files
0:12:20 > 0:12:23found in bin Laden's lair. Most of them are about terror attacks.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27But the one that really caught my eye was this.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35How weird is that?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38I love the idea that, when he got a bit fed up with terror,
0:12:38 > 0:12:40he'd go to his own special little room,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43shut all the doors...
0:12:48 > 0:12:52# Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody
0:12:52 > 0:12:55# I wanna feel the heat with somebody
0:12:55 > 0:12:59# Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody
0:13:00 > 0:13:05# With somebody who loves me. #
0:13:09 > 0:13:12"How long have you been there?"
0:13:12 > 0:13:16"Long enough, Osama! Long enough."
0:13:17 > 0:13:20It wasn't just Whitney. He had other habits.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22A US official tells ABC News
0:13:22 > 0:13:26that a huge stash of pornography was discovered.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29There is no way to tell if bin Laden looked at it,
0:13:29 > 0:13:31but it was found right in his bedroom.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Busted!
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Osama bin Laden, Osama bin Wanking.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39I'll tell you what,
0:13:39 > 0:13:43this brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "Afghan hound".
0:13:43 > 0:13:45I like that joke.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47What I want to know, what films was he watching?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Well, luckily, I found a list of his favourites.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52You will not find these in Blockbusters.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03But apparently his favourite was the mesmerising...
0:14:09 > 0:14:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:13 > 0:14:17It's an absolute classic. I know one guy that watched it and he loved it.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Ooh, Sherlock Holmes.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Over to Australia and a stuck toddler.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Playful and curious like any three-year-old boy,
0:14:26 > 0:14:29little Noah Geoffrey has a taste for adventure -
0:14:29 > 0:14:31or perhaps misadventure,
0:14:31 > 0:14:35getting himself trapped inside a vending machine yesterday afternoon.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38He was stuck in a vending machine.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41So, did he start crying, screaming for his mum?
0:14:41 > 0:14:42Oh, no.
0:14:42 > 0:14:47Generous Noah, handing out toys and lollies to his friends.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Isn't he great? He's like a toddler Robin Hood.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53"Fuck the dentist, have a Curly Wurly."
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Even better, look at the reaction of his mates.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00All the kids on the outside were encouraging him,
0:15:00 > 0:15:03and laughing and telling him which toy they wanted.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06That's like a cute version of the London riots.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10"Give me a Buzz Lightyear, quickly, mate, the filth are coming.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12"Come on!"
0:15:12 > 0:15:15That kid must be a god at his nursery,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17just sat in a sandpit surrounded by girls.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: - "Toys R Us? Toys R fucking me!"
0:15:22 > 0:15:25"Which one of you babes is going to give me a massage?
0:15:25 > 0:15:27"I should warn you.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30"I like my massages like I like my nursery rhymes -
0:15:30 > 0:15:32"with a happy ending."
0:15:34 > 0:15:36APPLAUSE
0:15:42 > 0:15:46"I'm the scariest little kid you've ever seen!"
0:15:46 > 0:15:49To be honest, I'm surprised he kept so calm in the machine.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51You know how excited kids get around toys.
0:15:53 > 0:15:58MUMMY! NO! NO!
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Have a look at why this guy made the news.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07A Wisconsin man has made quite the name for himself,
0:16:07 > 0:16:09not because of what he was arrested for,
0:16:09 > 0:16:12but because of, well, what he named himself.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15This is brilliant. Check out his name.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18We would like to meet...
0:16:20 > 0:16:25Sounds like something Louis Armstrong shouts when he comes!
0:16:25 > 0:16:32"Beezow Doo-Doo Zopitty Bop-Bop-Bop...
0:16:32 > 0:16:37"What a wonderful world."
0:16:37 > 0:16:38(Sherlock Holmes!)
0:16:40 > 0:16:42His name is brilliant, and so are his hobbies.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45According to Beezow's Facebook page,
0:16:45 > 0:16:49he's a member of the Orthodox Church Of Jerry Garcia Fans
0:16:49 > 0:16:50and he enjoys...
0:16:50 > 0:16:52thinking.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56And what he enjoys thinking is,
0:16:56 > 0:16:59"What's the stupidest fucking name I can come up with?"
0:16:59 > 0:17:03It isn't just me taking the piss. Even the weatherman had a pop.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Let's see how the guys in prison pronounce his name!
0:17:07 > 0:17:09How harsh is that?!
0:17:09 > 0:17:13"By the time they're done, his ass will look like a yawning hippo.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16"You don't need asparagus to get what I'm driving at."
0:17:20 > 0:17:23APPLAUSE
0:17:26 > 0:17:29This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31There's a mystery guest who's been in the news
0:17:31 > 0:17:34and I have to figure out who that person is. So, please welcome our mystery guest.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36CHEERING
0:17:43 > 0:17:48- Hello, nice to meet you. How are you?- I'm good.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- What's your name?- Rachael. - Nice to meet you, can I sit here?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Yeah, if you want to. It's quite uncomfortable.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54It is a bit.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- Mine actually moves, though. - How comes mine doesn't move?
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- Cos mine's cooler. - Well, how unfair is that?
0:18:02 > 0:18:05It's like we're a brother and sister
0:18:05 > 0:18:07and the family don't love me.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11"Why doesn't mine move?" "Cos you're adopted."
0:18:11 > 0:18:15So, can you give me a clue about why you're in the news?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Erm... Well, what I do involves ropes.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20- Involves ropes?- Yes.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Do you, er, do you whip kids?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- Until they give you toys?- No!- No.
0:18:26 > 0:18:31- I actually get whipped, though, sometimes.- You get whipped?- Yes.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- Will I be whipping you later?- No.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- You might actually, maybe, we'll see.- Oh, right!
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Back in the game! Right, OK,
0:18:45 > 0:18:47so I may be whipping you later.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50I'm not really fussed about the mystery guest, let's just do that.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Who are you? I don't know.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Give me another clue, I'm nowhere near this.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Equipment that I use can be used in the school playground as well.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04OK, do you work out using kids' equipment?
0:19:04 > 0:19:08- I guess you could say that. - Are you a skipping champion?
0:19:08 > 0:19:12- I'm the UK number one, yes.- The UK number-one skipper, there you go.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:15 > 0:19:17But it's like... Why?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19"Sausage in a pan, sausage in a pan,
0:19:19 > 0:19:22"turn them over, turn 'em over." What's that got to do with skipping?
0:19:22 > 0:19:26That is a massive fucking curve ball, how I am going to get that?
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Everything about this suggests kids and there's two ropes here,
0:19:30 > 0:19:33hanging down like spiders' dicks and yet...
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Of course I didn't guess it. Anyway, nice to meet you.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Excellent, are we going to do some skipping? Let's do that.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Do you want to see us skip? That'd be lovely.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51- OK, we're going to move the set off. - Absolutely, which way is it going?
0:19:51 > 0:19:55- Right, then.- Here's your rope.- Yep.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58First of all, though, I'm going to show you what I do.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00So you're going to have to stand way out the way.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- Absolutely. - So you don't get whipped.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Oh, nice, that's good. Uh. Uh.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:23 > 0:20:27That was fantastic, well done.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32And now, to make a fool out of myself...
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- I'm going to teach you tricks. - Lovely, look forward to it.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37- Do you want a quick go on your own first?- No.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- Have you ever done skipping before? - Yeah.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- Have you? - Yeah. I know what I'm doing.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:47 > 0:20:50OK, so, first trick, you ready?
0:20:50 > 0:20:53It's called speed step. You're going to hop from one foot to the other,
0:20:53 > 0:20:56ensuring the rope goes round. So you're hopping like this.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Let's get out the way first.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00So, hop...
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Nearly. Yeah, that was it!
0:21:05 > 0:21:07You just speed up the rope...
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- Speed up the rope, right. - There you go!
0:21:12 > 0:21:14But at the moment you've kind of got an Irish fling going on.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- Try and bring your knees up, you'll be fine.- OK.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19We're going to do a side-straddle.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- All you're going to do is bring your feet apart, together.- OK.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24So it goes out, together, out, together.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- All right. Are you ready for the next one? - It's really tiring, isn't it?
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- The next one isn't jumping, you'll be fine.- It's not skipping, then.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44So...
0:21:44 > 0:21:46What are we going to do?
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Rope goes straight out in front of you.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50OK, and all you're going to do...
0:21:50 > 0:21:53is you're going to flick it and catch it.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01I'm going to bring on two of my team members...
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- Sweet!- ..and we're going to do a double-Dutch.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- This is Beci and Gemma. - Hello, Beci and Gemma.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Your turn.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Are you ready?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36You know in, like, action films,
0:22:36 > 0:22:38where there's one who's really good who gets the gold
0:22:38 > 0:22:40and saves the day, there's always one that dies.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45"He lost his head!" So what have I got to do, run into this,
0:22:45 > 0:22:49- take the rope to the face, essentially.- Actually...
0:22:49 > 0:22:52we're going to go from basics with you, so what we do with little kids.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54You're going to stand in the middle.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57You're going to hold my hands and jump at the same time as me.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01- Don't look too scared, OK?- My mum told me never to talk to strangers,
0:23:01 > 0:23:03let alone get involved in some sort of rope fight.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07- So we'll start jumping, ready?- Yep. - And jump. Jump. Jump.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10That's it, keep going.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- Turn around.- Stop it!
0:23:17 > 0:23:21CHEERING
0:23:30 > 0:23:32And jump!
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Fuck!
0:23:35 > 0:23:37That was horrendous.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Thank you so much. Nice to meet you.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Nice to meet you. Well, that was absolutely fucking terrifying!
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Thank you so much, that was lovely. Ladies and gentlemen,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49please give it up for my mystery guest.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51That was great, well done.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00Have you seen the latest food craze taking the US by storm?
0:24:00 > 0:24:03It's called the cinnamon challenge.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05The challenge works like this.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08A person is supposed to swallow a tablespoon of ground cinnamon
0:24:08 > 0:24:11in 60 seconds without drinking anything.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13The results usually look like this.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16LAUGHTER
0:24:18 > 0:24:21AUDIENCE: Do it! Come on!
0:24:21 > 0:24:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:27 > 0:24:30I don't recommend that you do this at home.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35But I do recommend that you all watch this.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39So here's the cinnamon. All right? All right, here goes.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53SHE SCREAMS AND COUGHS
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Here's a wonderful story about a little boy called Joe and his heart.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41I met a remarkable young boy the other day.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Joe Skerratt looks like any other three-year-old,
0:25:44 > 0:25:47heading for his favourite ride in the local park.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49But Joe was born with a rare disease
0:25:49 > 0:25:52which meant his heart was abnormally large.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56Now, after a heart transplant, he's improving every day.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00This is the Berlin artificial heart that kept Joe alive
0:26:00 > 0:26:03while he was on the waiting list for a transplant.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07He had two of these, one pumping blood through his body,
0:26:07 > 0:26:09the other through his lungs.
0:26:09 > 0:26:16And they kept him going, beating once a second for 251 long days.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21'His parents Mark and Rachel know a donor family somewhere
0:26:21 > 0:26:22'has saved Joe's life.'
0:26:22 > 0:26:25You have no idea how you changed our lives.
0:26:25 > 0:26:32And we can't comprehend your grief and what you've been through,
0:26:32 > 0:26:34but it was an amazingly selfless decision,
0:26:34 > 0:26:37and you've done amazing things for our little boy. Thank you.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Munching on a block of cheddar, Joe told me
0:26:42 > 0:26:46he knows he's now got a new heart, and it's just the right size.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Lovely, isn't it?
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for my stand-up guest.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Now, this man I've gigged with for many years, watched him,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14I'm normally at the back of the room with the other comedians
0:27:14 > 0:27:15absolutely pissing myself,
0:27:15 > 0:27:19so it's a genuine pleasure to welcome the brilliant Mr Paul Foot.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Greetings.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34So, let's talk about something topical.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37This is something that's been in the news quite a bit lately
0:27:37 > 0:27:40and has been in all the papers and so on. I think you probably know
0:27:40 > 0:27:42what I'm going to say already.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45And that is the fact that the number of shire horses
0:27:45 > 0:27:48is massively on the decline.
0:27:48 > 0:27:53I mean, they say there's fewer than 1,000 left in the country...
0:27:53 > 0:27:55It's not many, is it?
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Obviously I can see one or two people disagreeing.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02Obviously I can see you disagreeing immediately, looking at me
0:28:02 > 0:28:07as if to say, "Well, personally, Paul, I think 1,000 shire horses,
0:28:07 > 0:28:11"that sounds like quite a lot, you know, all in one field."
0:28:11 > 0:28:15But I think, really, you need to compare it to how many shire horses
0:28:15 > 0:28:18there will have been in the whole country in the agricultural peak
0:28:18 > 0:28:22of this nation. And they'd have been spread about, wouldn't they?
0:28:22 > 0:28:25They wouldn't have just been in one field. I mean, you're not comparing like with like.
0:28:25 > 0:28:30And there'd have been loads of them. I mean, I don't know the exact figures for how many shire horses
0:28:30 > 0:28:32there were a couple of hundred years ago,
0:28:32 > 0:28:35because I wasn't fully concentrating on the report.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39I said fewer than 1,000 now, didn't I? Fewer than 1,000 now.
0:28:39 > 0:28:43So, I mean, how many shire horses would there have been, like,
0:28:43 > 0:28:46in the 18th and 19th centuries? I don't think I'd be exaggerating
0:28:46 > 0:28:49in saying, what, more than 1,100?
0:28:49 > 0:28:53I mean, there must have been. So there's been a considerable decrease
0:28:53 > 0:28:55in numbers, hasn't there? I don't think anyone is going to argue
0:28:55 > 0:28:59with that now. I think I've put that point across pretty cogently.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01And it's a shame that the numbers are going down,
0:29:01 > 0:29:03because the fact of the matter is
0:29:03 > 0:29:07that shire horses are part of all our lives, aren't they?
0:29:07 > 0:29:11Obviously not necessarily a major part but...
0:29:11 > 0:29:13we tend to see a shire horse, on average,
0:29:13 > 0:29:15about once every three years.
0:29:15 > 0:29:20That is the average period between seeing one shire horse
0:29:20 > 0:29:22and the next shire horse for a normal human.
0:29:22 > 0:29:26And there's various places you might see a shire horse, aren't there?
0:29:26 > 0:29:28I mean, where might you see a shire horse?
0:29:28 > 0:29:31Agricultural fair, that's a good suggestion.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34What is the most common place to see a shire horse?
0:29:34 > 0:29:36A fete, absolutely right.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39A fete, you always see a shire horse at a fete, don't you?
0:29:39 > 0:29:42Not that you necessarily see the shire horse straightaway
0:29:42 > 0:29:44when you go to the fete, do you?
0:29:44 > 0:29:47Cos there's so many other things to notice at the fete, aren't there?
0:29:47 > 0:29:49When I go to a fete,
0:29:49 > 0:29:52the first thing I always notice is the police dog display team.
0:29:52 > 0:29:57It's incredible, isn't it? Basically, what happens is...
0:29:57 > 0:30:01the dog, it jumps through a hoop of fire.
0:30:01 > 0:30:07And in this sort of situation, people often say to me, they say,
0:30:07 > 0:30:12"Paul, how does a police dog jump through the hoop of fire
0:30:12 > 0:30:14"without being seriously injured?"
0:30:14 > 0:30:16I don't know why they think I've got all the answers.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21The question is...
0:30:21 > 0:30:24er, how does the police dog jump through the hoop of fire
0:30:24 > 0:30:27without being seriously injured?
0:30:27 > 0:30:29The answer is, it doesn't.
0:30:29 > 0:30:34It's not widely known, but the dog is badly burned
0:30:34 > 0:30:37and it's put down shortly afterwards.
0:30:37 > 0:30:41But you don't notice that, because by then, the Lord Mayor is on stage
0:30:41 > 0:30:43and he is announcing the results
0:30:43 > 0:30:46of the Under-8s Fancy Dress Competition.
0:30:46 > 0:30:49And his voice sort of goes all shrill and he says,
0:30:49 > 0:30:53- SQUEAKILY: - "And the winner is Samantha Johnson.
0:30:53 > 0:30:56And you think, "Oh, he's going a bit over the top there."
0:30:56 > 0:30:58"It's only the results of the Under-8s Fancy Dress.
0:30:58 > 0:31:01"I mean, we've still got the Under-9s results to come.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03"It will be a much more hotly-contested contest.
0:31:03 > 0:31:07"You know, we all know who's going to win the Under-8s Fancy Dress,
0:31:07 > 0:31:10"it's obviously going to be Samantha Johnson dressed up as Osama bin Laden.
0:31:10 > 0:31:14"She's the runaway winner. You know, we know all that."
0:31:14 > 0:31:18But the real reason why the Mayor is going so loud with his of voice
0:31:18 > 0:31:21is to mask the sound of the bullets.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23Cos that's all going on
0:31:23 > 0:31:25behind the main marquee, you see, the assassinations.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27Because the thing to remember is
0:31:27 > 0:31:32that the police dogs, they are trained on a hoop without fire.
0:31:32 > 0:31:37And when you see the display, that is its first and last-ever display.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39Tragic.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41So that's one thing you see at a fete.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44Of course, another thing you always see at a fete is,
0:31:44 > 0:31:47there's always a fire engine at a fete.
0:31:47 > 0:31:48It's not so much in the centre
0:31:48 > 0:31:51with the police dogs, more on the edge of the fete, really.
0:31:51 > 0:31:54And it's not actually doing anything, the fire engine.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56I mean, it's a shame it's not putting out the hoop.
0:31:56 > 0:32:00Or, at the very least, it could be dousing down the dog, you know,
0:32:00 > 0:32:02retrospectively, to give it a chance.
0:32:02 > 0:32:05But no, it's like an off-duty fire engine,
0:32:05 > 0:32:09and there are various off-duty firemen all round it.
0:32:09 > 0:32:11And it's like firemen's open day.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13You can ask them questions and stuff, I mean,
0:32:13 > 0:32:15any question you want, really.
0:32:15 > 0:32:18If you've got a question about the hose, they'll answer it,
0:32:18 > 0:32:20I mean, they're totally relaxed.
0:32:20 > 0:32:25And if you're quite lucky, for example, if you were a child,
0:32:25 > 0:32:27and that would be quite lucky,
0:32:27 > 0:32:29you're allowed to sit in the fireman's cab
0:32:29 > 0:32:31and pretend to be a fireman.
0:32:31 > 0:32:35"That's quite fun." That is, of course, until you press the button
0:32:35 > 0:32:38and the siren goes off, and that's when the fun ends.
0:32:38 > 0:32:43The fireman says, "Excuse me, but it's a bit off-putting
0:32:43 > 0:32:45"for the other people of the fete,
0:32:45 > 0:32:47"and the Mayor is in the middle of making a speech.
0:32:47 > 0:32:51"Can you turn that siren off, please?" And then you say,
0:32:51 > 0:32:52"I'm sorry,
0:32:52 > 0:32:56"but I thought you said I could pretend to be a fireman.
0:32:56 > 0:33:02"Surely that would involve doing anything that a fireman would do.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04"I mean, YOU are ruining my life.
0:33:04 > 0:33:08"I am a six-year-old boy, I've already faced the disappointment
0:33:08 > 0:33:12"of coming second in the Under 8s fancy dress competition...
0:33:12 > 0:33:15"I mean, in many ways I would have been suited to the Under 7s,
0:33:15 > 0:33:20"I mean, I did overreach myself, I realise that now, but you know...
0:33:20 > 0:33:22"As a consolation to take my mind off it all,
0:33:22 > 0:33:24"you said I could pretend to be a fireman.
0:33:24 > 0:33:28"What you're really saying is I can pretend to be a fireman,
0:33:28 > 0:33:31"who does not have access to his full capabilities.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35"A fireman who is not able to deal with emergencies.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38"In short, an emasculated fireman,
0:33:38 > 0:33:41"you officious fire-fighting bastard!"
0:33:41 > 0:33:45Then you have to leave the fete under a bit of a cloud, don't you?
0:33:45 > 0:33:48A bit of a bad atmosphere after that point, really.
0:33:48 > 0:33:51You're with your aunt and she's saying,
0:33:51 > 0:33:53"You shouldn't have said that to the fireman, really.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55"It was over-the-top, actually.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58"And also, you shouldn't have called the Mayor a paedophile."
0:33:58 > 0:34:02"Sorry, Auntie, I was disappointed about the fancy dress results.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05"I lashed out. It was wrong of me."
0:34:05 > 0:34:06Yes, you're walking away now,
0:34:06 > 0:34:09and you're starting to put it out of your mind, you're thinking,
0:34:09 > 0:34:14"Well, never mind. The Mayor will rebuild his life gradually
0:34:14 > 0:34:18"and next year I'll enter the fancy dress competition for my age group.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21"And, you know, there's been a lot of mistakes made this afternoon,
0:34:21 > 0:34:24"a lot of things that if I could turn the clock back, I'd do differently.
0:34:24 > 0:34:28"I mean, that tombola, I was throwing good money after bad.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30"But, you know, it's over now. It doesn't matter.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33"What happens in the fete stays in the fete."
0:34:33 > 0:34:36And you've been walking for some minutes by now,
0:34:36 > 0:34:39and I would say by now, you're right on the edge of the fete.
0:34:39 > 0:34:43I'm not exaggerating in saying you are on the absolute borders
0:34:43 > 0:34:44of the fete.
0:34:44 > 0:34:48I mean, you are literally on the absolute peripheries
0:34:48 > 0:34:51of what is the fete and what is the real world.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54I mean, yes, yes, of course, you're technically still in the fete.
0:34:54 > 0:34:58I'm the first to admit, absolutely, you're still in the fete, of course.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01I mean, yes, you're still in the fete, yes!
0:35:01 > 0:35:03But I can't over-emphasize,
0:35:03 > 0:35:06I can't over-exaggerate once too many times too often
0:35:06 > 0:35:09the fact of the matter is, you're right on the absolute edge.
0:35:09 > 0:35:13I mean, you're barely in the fete. You've more or less left it.
0:35:13 > 0:35:17And then suddenly, suddenly, you see a shire horse.
0:35:19 > 0:35:24And it's pulling a cart along in a demonstration
0:35:24 > 0:35:29of what a shire horse would have done in the 18th and 19th centuries.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32And you say, "Ah, look at that shire horse, Auntie Geraldine.
0:35:32 > 0:35:34"Isn't it magnificent?"
0:35:34 > 0:35:37"Hasn't it got magnificent hooves and lovely hairs hanging down
0:35:37 > 0:35:41"over his ankles, like a pair of horsy Ugg boots?"
0:35:41 > 0:35:44"Yes, you're quite right about the Ugg boots, Paul."
0:35:44 > 0:35:48This is Auntie Geraldine speaking, in the 1980s.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50"Yes, you're right about the Ugg boots.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53"I'll tell you another thing about that horse, Paul.
0:35:53 > 0:35:56"That horse, that's not going to win the Derby."
0:35:56 > 0:35:57HE TITTERS
0:35:59 > 0:36:01"Oh, yes, you're quite right about that, Auntie.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04"That's not going to win the Derby all right.
0:36:04 > 0:36:07"That horse is going to be struggling to get into the stalls,
0:36:07 > 0:36:10"let alone get out of the stalls, let alone go on to win
0:36:10 > 0:36:14"one of the top races in the thoroughbred racing calendar.
0:36:15 > 0:36:19"'Not going to win the Derby!' Oh, that was a well good quip.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22"Oh, never was at truer word said in jest.
0:36:22 > 0:36:26"Oh, come on. Oh, come on. Let's go, Auntie.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28"Let's get into the hatchback and go home."
0:36:30 > 0:36:32And you get into the car and you drive off
0:36:32 > 0:36:36and you don't see another shire horse for about another three years, do you?
0:36:36 > 0:36:38You forget about it, really. You put it out of your mind.
0:36:38 > 0:36:41You think, "Well, I'm not going to see a shire horse for ages,
0:36:41 > 0:36:43"it doesn't matter."
0:36:43 > 0:36:46Mind you, easy enough for us to forget about the shire horse, isn't it?
0:36:46 > 0:36:49Not so easy for the shire horse, is it?
0:36:49 > 0:36:52I mean, how do you think the shire horse feels? Actually,
0:36:52 > 0:36:57let's turn things upside down for a minute.
0:36:57 > 0:36:58I'm feeling a bit reckless.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01Let's for a moment, let's turn the tables,
0:37:01 > 0:37:04let's see things from the point of the view of the shire horse.
0:37:04 > 0:37:08I mean, the shire horse, he must feel absolutely flipping devastated.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10He must just think to himself, "Oh, God.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12"Why am I bothering with this?
0:37:12 > 0:37:17"Pulling a cart along in a demonstration of what a shire horse
0:37:17 > 0:37:21"would have done in the 18th and 19th centuries.
0:37:21 > 0:37:24"I mean, what am I actually demonstrating?
0:37:24 > 0:37:27"I mean, basically, I'm a horse that is a bit bigger
0:37:27 > 0:37:31"than a normal horse... pulling a cart along.
0:37:31 > 0:37:34"I mean, I am essentially demonstrating something
0:37:34 > 0:37:37"that could just as easily be described verbally.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41"There is no need for me to be here, alive,
0:37:41 > 0:37:45"an anachronism from the past, slogging my guts out,
0:37:45 > 0:37:46"pulling this flipping cart along.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49"I mean, I know I'm strong, but it's still heavy, isn't it?
0:37:49 > 0:37:51"It's still hard work!
0:37:51 > 0:37:54"And it's not as if anyone notices me when I go to the fete anyway.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56"They notice all the other things.
0:37:56 > 0:38:00"I mean, they notice the Police Dog Display Team, the fire engine,
0:38:00 > 0:38:03"they notice the Mayor being taken away in handcuffs.
0:38:03 > 0:38:06"I mean, I am basically an afterthought.
0:38:06 > 0:38:08"And even when they do notice me,
0:38:08 > 0:38:12"it's not as if people really appreciate the magnificent beauty
0:38:12 > 0:38:15"of my incredible strong shire horse body.
0:38:15 > 0:38:17"I mean, all they do is make a brief comment about my ankles,
0:38:17 > 0:38:20"and then say how I'm not going to win the Derby!"
0:38:20 > 0:38:23"Well, obviously I'm not going to win the Derby, am I?
0:38:23 > 0:38:25"It's a completely different sort of horse, isn't it?
0:38:25 > 0:38:28"I'm built for strength, aren't I, not speed.
0:38:28 > 0:38:31"I mean, when I consider that horses like me, we were the backbone
0:38:31 > 0:38:35"of this country in the agricultural peak of this nation,
0:38:35 > 0:38:38"and now we have been reduced to being nothing more
0:38:38 > 0:38:42"than a bit of a joke for people, just as they leave a fete."
0:38:42 > 0:38:44MUTTERING INCOHERENTLY
0:38:44 > 0:38:47...the TV recording, just for a few seconds,
0:38:47 > 0:38:51until Paul Foot moves onto the next subject, which will be shortly.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54"Oh, yes, it's a big old laugh, isn't it? Big old joke for you,
0:38:54 > 0:38:58"Big old joke for you, isn't it? Homosexuals!
0:38:59 > 0:39:02"Homosexuals sitting there thinking,
0:39:02 > 0:39:05"'Oh, yeah, let's have a bit of a laugh about the shire horse
0:39:05 > 0:39:09"'and his hooves, and let's go have sex with other men!'
0:39:10 > 0:39:14"Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But I don't agree with it!
0:39:14 > 0:39:16"I'm going to say this next part,
0:39:16 > 0:39:18"I know I'll be criticised for saying it,
0:39:18 > 0:39:20"but I'm going to say it, cos I think I'm only saying
0:39:20 > 0:39:24"what a lot of people think deep down, but are too nervous to say
0:39:24 > 0:39:27"because of all the political correctness gone mad.
0:39:27 > 0:39:30"I-I-I-I'm going to say it!
0:39:30 > 0:39:35"I think, I think, I think what people like you get up to
0:39:35 > 0:39:38"is morally wrong and it upsets Jesus!"
0:39:38 > 0:39:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:41 > 0:39:44"I mean, I-I am a heterosexual shire horse.
0:39:45 > 0:39:50"I make love to lady shire horses, same as any other shire horse.
0:39:50 > 0:39:52"Just a normal, family shire horse.
0:39:52 > 0:39:55"And I'm going to say this, let's say just for a moment,
0:39:55 > 0:40:00"let's just for a moment face up to the harsh, stark realities
0:40:00 > 0:40:01"of what goes on in the gay world.
0:40:01 > 0:40:05"Yeah, let's take a peek behind the gay curtains, into the bedrooms,
0:40:05 > 0:40:09"and maybe, maybe it'll be a bit of a wake-up call for you!
0:40:09 > 0:40:13"I think, I think, I'm going to say it, I'm going to say it,
0:40:13 > 0:40:19"I think, I think, I think that for a man to touch another man,
0:40:19 > 0:40:22"using his own penis, that is an abomination,
0:40:22 > 0:40:25"not to mention unhygienic!"
0:40:27 > 0:40:30These obviously are not my views.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33They're the views of the shire horse.
0:40:33 > 0:40:38Because we have to remember they're from the 18th and 19th centuries,
0:40:38 > 0:40:40so they've got very outdated views.
0:40:40 > 0:40:44I mean, they really haven't moved on in terms of their social attitudes.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46When did you last time you saw a shire horse, madame?
0:40:46 > 0:40:49What, about three years ago?
0:40:49 > 0:40:53You are, statistically speaking, due to see another shire horse
0:40:53 > 0:40:57any moment now. And when you do, I bet you'll think to yourself,
0:40:57 > 0:41:00"Oh, doesn't it look lovely? Look at that lovely shire horse,
0:41:00 > 0:41:04"lovely face, lovely long, sad-looking horsy face,
0:41:04 > 0:41:06"all sad and sweet, you know."
0:41:06 > 0:41:09But actually, they're quite homophobic.
0:41:10 > 0:41:13And most of them are also extremely racist.
0:41:15 > 0:41:17I don't like them.
0:41:17 > 0:41:18And to be honest,
0:41:18 > 0:41:21I'm glad there's fewer than 1,000 left in the country.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23So, a little bit of topical humour, there.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25Thank you very much indeed.
0:41:25 > 0:41:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:28 > 0:41:30Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Paul Foot!
0:41:35 > 0:41:38Paul Foot, ladies and gentlemen.
0:41:39 > 0:41:42Thank you very much for watching Good News.
0:41:42 > 0:41:44Have a wonderful night, goodnight.