0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:22 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Hello! Welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?
0:00:34 > 0:00:35First up, here's a tip -
0:00:35 > 0:00:39don't do a live broadcast outside a football stadium.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42It's been said for quite a while that it's going to take a long time
0:00:42 > 0:00:44for Rangers to get back to where they were.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Over on BBC Breakfast,
0:00:46 > 0:00:50they interviewed the most childish racing fan ever.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54I like horses, and they've got four legs and furry tails!
0:00:57 > 0:00:59"Sometimes they jump!"
0:00:59 > 0:01:03Mystery of the week - what's happened to Wolverine's voice?
0:01:03 > 0:01:06How much have you enjoyed your tour of the new Titanic building
0:01:06 > 0:01:07here in Belfast today?
0:01:07 > 0:01:10- YORKSHIRE ACCENT: - Oh, it's been a right eye-opener.
0:01:11 > 0:01:16You think his voice is strange? Check out his pet.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Bleurgh!
0:01:24 > 0:01:28In political news, it's been a tough week for David Cameron.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32David Cameron is now more unpopular as a leader than Ed Miliband.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Or as Adam Boulton put it...
0:01:33 > 0:01:35He is an unelectable loser.
0:01:35 > 0:01:40Bit harsh. Mind you, he is creepy.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Between you and me, I think Cameron's got a sex dungeon.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46I live in a little flat, a very nice flat, actually,
0:01:46 > 0:01:48above Number 11, Downing Street.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51But what I get up to in there, that's private!
0:01:55 > 0:01:56"That's private!"
0:01:58 > 0:02:01That is so creepy! Right, lamb?
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Bleurgh!
0:02:04 > 0:02:06APPLAUSE
0:02:08 > 0:02:10What I want to know -
0:02:10 > 0:02:13how can Ed Miliband be more popular than Cameron?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15He can't even get the basics right.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Lady, sorry, just in the scarf.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Sorry about that - and you've got a beard, so you're clearly a man!
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Not only is Cameron losing popularity,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26he was also dragged into the Leveson Inquiry.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29The former chief of News International, Rebekah Brooks...
0:02:29 > 0:02:31..lifted the lid on her relationship with David Cameron.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34She's revealed more about her friendship with the Prime Minister
0:02:34 > 0:02:36and details of their text messages...
0:02:36 > 0:02:40..with some suggestions David Cameron texted her repeatedly last year.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42If that is true, it could be embarrassing for him.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Damn right, it's going to be embarrassing.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46I've actually got hold of the texts.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Look what he sent her during the Queen's Speech.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57He slammed her on Celebalike.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10APPLAUSE
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Sometimes, he even went to her for fashion tips.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22From politics to entertainment -
0:03:22 > 0:03:25it was the final of Britain's Got Talent this week.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Here were some of the contenders.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- You're a born performer.- Flawless.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41This is what I've been waiting for all my life.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46Wow! So, who won?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49A teenager and her dog.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50A dancing dog!
0:03:52 > 0:03:54APPLAUSE
0:03:56 > 0:03:58I think this proves one thing -
0:03:58 > 0:04:01people in Britain like a drink on a Saturday night.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07"Shall we vote for the singer?" "No, let's vote for the disco dog!
0:04:08 > 0:04:12"Hello? Hello, Simon, I'd like to vote for the dog, please!
0:04:13 > 0:04:15"Yeah, get him away from the opera singer,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17"I think he's going to eat him."
0:04:19 > 0:04:20It's great, isn't it?
0:04:20 > 0:04:24Only in Britain would you have genuinely-talented people
0:04:24 > 0:04:27beaten by an animal that licks its own arse.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- AS SIMON COWELL:- You can sing, but can you lick your own ring?
0:04:33 > 0:04:36APPLAUSE
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Did you see the papers the day after Pudsey won?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47"He's amazing." "He's the greatest dog ever."
0:04:47 > 0:04:50But the headline that caught my eye was this.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59He's been outed by the press?! I bet he was at home,
0:04:59 > 0:05:03"It was great last night, dancing, jumping - I bet the papers loved...
0:05:03 > 0:05:08"Agh! How have they found out about Enrique?!
0:05:10 > 0:05:13"It was a one-night thing.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17"It was a one-night thing!"
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Apparently, Pudsey's a right shagger. I mean, he ruined this guy.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25DOG HOWLS
0:05:33 > 0:05:35New research came out this week,
0:05:35 > 0:05:38suggesting why dinosaurs became distinct.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42Dinosaurs may have gassed themselves into extinction.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44British researchers say the prehistoric beasts had
0:05:44 > 0:05:46a flatulence and belching problem.
0:05:46 > 0:05:51Apparently, dinosaurs killed themselves by farting.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54It turns out it wasn't a meteor - a stegosaurus went, "Pull my finger."
0:05:58 > 0:06:01What I want to know, how did the scientists find this out?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Did they find one buried like that?
0:06:05 > 0:06:06Next to another one, just...
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Either way, these lizards really dropped their guts.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Researchers found dinosaurs pumped out
0:06:12 > 0:06:15more than 520 million tons of methane gas.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18520 million tons!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Must have been a nightmare, being a T rex.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25"Oh! My arms are so tiny! I can't waft it away!
0:06:28 > 0:06:34"Oh! Oh! Oh, Jesus Christ, what did you eat?"
0:06:37 > 0:06:39"Who's Jesus Christ?"
0:06:42 > 0:06:44APPLAUSE
0:06:46 > 0:06:49I tell you what, if this is how they died,
0:06:49 > 0:06:51it's really going to change the movies.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57DINOSAUR FARTS
0:07:01 > 0:07:02APPLAUSE
0:07:02 > 0:07:06From dinosaurs to a strange new TV channel.
0:07:06 > 0:07:11It's the new craze that's taking the doggy world by storm,
0:07:11 > 0:07:13and keeps them transfixed for hours.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15DOG TV.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18We now have TV for dogs!
0:07:18 > 0:07:20To be honest, I thought we already had TV for creatures
0:07:20 > 0:07:22with limited mental capacity.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26- Shut up.- Fuck off.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27APPLAUSE
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Have you seen what they're actually showing the dogs?
0:07:33 > 0:07:34It's absolute shit.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37The footage and soundtracks are designed by scientists
0:07:37 > 0:07:42for stimulation, relaxation and exposure eight hours a day.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45That is madness. If you want to keep dogs interested,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47you don't need flashing lights.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48You just need a guitar.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50GUITAR PLAYS
0:07:52 > 0:07:53GUITAR STOPS
0:07:56 > 0:07:57GUITAR PLAYS
0:08:05 > 0:08:06GUITAR STOPS
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- I could watch that for hours. - APPLAUSE
0:08:14 > 0:08:16From DOG TV to a cat alarm clock.
0:08:16 > 0:08:22Take a look at how a bored cat wakes his owner up every morning at 5am.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25If you struggle to get out of bed in the morning
0:08:25 > 0:08:28and the traditional alarm clock just isn't enough,
0:08:28 > 0:08:31maybe you need this furry wake-up call.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Aw!
0:08:44 > 0:08:45APPLAUSE
0:08:52 > 0:08:56It's the one on the end, the one on the end is the most satisfying.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00"I can't reach!" And you're like, "Please reach!"
0:09:00 > 0:09:03"Wa-doing!"
0:09:03 > 0:09:04It's so cute, isn't it?
0:09:04 > 0:09:07But five in the morning? Every day?
0:09:08 > 0:09:13If that was my cat, he'd end up like this.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:09:20 > 0:09:21What? I like a lie-in.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Sometimes, you have to keep them in check. Some cats are plain evil.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Now for a story about a London society called the Eccentric Club.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46This was the Eccentric Club in the 1920s.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50In the 1980s, it was wound up, but reformed three years ago.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54So, meet two of its newest members.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55HE GUFFAWS
0:09:55 > 0:10:01I always, when I was a child, wanted to dress in three-piece suits.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03I have a shrunken head that sits by my bedside table.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10Of course you have, posh Hagrid. There's more.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13I don't think I have any eccentric habits at all.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16I'm entirely normal,
0:10:16 > 0:10:19I get out of bed most days.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21Oh, completely normal!
0:10:21 > 0:10:24I mean, every Monday I make love to a Christmas tree, you know?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30So, why am I showing you this?
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Well, big news, my friends - the Eccentric Club has a new member!
0:10:34 > 0:10:40And last night, the Eccentric Club dined in Mayfair with its new patron,
0:10:40 > 0:10:41the Duke of Edinburgh.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Hey!
0:10:44 > 0:10:47- AS THE DUKE OF EDINBURGH:- Hello! Yes!
0:10:50 > 0:10:54Hey, guys, I sleep with a shrunken head too - or as I call her, Liz!
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Yeah! Finally, a crowd that gets me!
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Hey, guys, guys, guys - you think Pudsey was good?
0:11:02 > 0:11:03I'll show you a trick with a dog.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Who wants to see me tea bag a corgi? Yeah!
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Yeah!
0:11:12 > 0:11:14I've gone too far again, haven't I?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Mind you, if you think Philip is eccentric, check this out!
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Now, watch out, all you budding weather presenters,
0:11:22 > 0:11:25because there's a new meteorologist on the block.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Damn right - did anyone else see this?
0:11:27 > 0:11:31This weather front pushing northwards is bringing cloud
0:11:31 > 0:11:33and outbreaks of rain.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35The rain, of course, will be heaviest over the Borders
0:11:35 > 0:11:37and around Edinburgh.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42It's like a royal Jim'll Fix It!
0:11:42 > 0:11:45My favourite bit is the face he pulls after Camilla reveals
0:11:45 > 0:11:46his weather obsession.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Your Royal Highness, how do you feel he did?
0:11:58 > 0:12:01I could watch that face over and over.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Every time he pulls a funny face, all you see is this guy.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Mind you, if you think Charles is a weather fan,
0:12:11 > 0:12:13he has got nothing on a kid from America
0:12:13 > 0:12:17who wrote the most incredible thank-you letter to this guy.
0:12:17 > 0:12:22He's Albert Ramon, a morning weatherman in Austin, Texas.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24After he spoke to a fourth-grade class,
0:12:24 > 0:12:28- one of the students sent Ramon this thank you.- Did you see the letter?
0:12:28 > 0:12:32To say the kid was a bit a fan, that is an understatement. Look at this.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56That is a letter!
0:12:56 > 0:12:57APPLAUSE
0:12:57 > 0:12:59And did you see what he wrote at the end?
0:12:59 > 0:13:02After all that, "Sincerely, Flint."
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Flint, if you're watching, good work, my friend. Good work.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13This was definitely the big sports story of the week.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Manchester City are the new champions,
0:13:15 > 0:13:17stealing the title at the 11th hour
0:13:17 > 0:13:19from under the noses of their United rivals.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Aguero! He's won it! Get in there!
0:13:24 > 0:13:27It was the most exciting end to a season ever. Right, lamb?
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Bleurgh!
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Did anyone see the way it was covered on Soccer Saturday?
0:13:32 > 0:13:35If only they'd get a little bit more excited.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Queens Park Rangers are level!
0:13:38 > 0:13:41He's put the ball in the box, far post - it's a goal!
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Mackie's scored! Oh, no!
0:13:44 > 0:13:47People said they've played the best football... Oh!
0:13:50 > 0:13:51Goal! It's two all!
0:13:53 > 0:13:55It's 3-2!
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Mancini's on the line, running round!
0:13:59 > 0:14:01They're all cuddling each other!
0:14:01 > 0:14:03They've got love bites and everything!
0:14:05 > 0:14:08"They've got love bites and everything!"
0:14:08 > 0:14:10It was amazing. The game had everything -
0:14:10 > 0:14:13goals, tension and Joey Barton went batshit!
0:14:19 > 0:14:23The reason I found it so funny was because of what he said on Twitter.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35"Why can't people just get along?!"
0:14:36 > 0:14:39In fairness, Barton isn't the craziest footballer.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Taka a look at this guy's eyes.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Talking of violence, this was the big news in the boxing world.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54David Haye will take on Dereck Chisora in a grudge match
0:14:54 > 0:14:56at West Ham's Upton Park ground in July.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59This is going to be interesting. Two of boxing's greatest charmers.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01You've got wordsmith David Haye...
0:15:01 > 0:15:03This fight will be as one-sided as a gang rape.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Ahh!
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Ah, Shakespeare.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12He's against the equally poetic Dereck Chisora.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Ahh! Ahh-ahh!
0:15:17 > 0:15:19They're just...
0:15:22 > 0:15:24They're both so lovable.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Can't I just have them both?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28They're absolute nutters.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Check out David Haye's suggestion as to what you should do if you get burgled.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36If someone burgles your house and you knock them out,
0:15:36 > 0:15:39are you going to apologise for knocking them out? No, you're not.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42You're going to stamp on their head, like any normal person would.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Stamp on their head, like a normal person(!)
0:15:48 > 0:15:53It gets weirder. Not to be outdone, Chisora claims this is "normal".
0:15:53 > 0:15:56I don't walk around with my nose up.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58You tell me, "My son is having a birthday party."
0:15:58 > 0:15:59I tell you, "What's the address?"
0:15:59 > 0:16:02You will give me, and you think I'm not coming.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05But the next minute, I'm like... KNOCKING ..happy birthday.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Yeah, that's every eight-year-old's dream, innit?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Opening the door...
0:16:12 > 0:16:14"Mum!
0:16:14 > 0:16:17"The clown's really scary."
0:16:18 > 0:16:20"Hey? What?"
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- "Mum, what's a- BLEEP?"
0:16:29 > 0:16:31To be honest, they're both so unlikeable,
0:16:31 > 0:16:34it will be the only fight in history where everyone wants this to happen.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Strange stories across the globe. First up, a bizarre zoo in Japan.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50How do you deal with an escaped rhino?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52One zoo in Japan has been finding out.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54This is genius.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Look how they re-created the terrifying reality
0:16:57 > 0:16:58of an escaped rhino.
0:16:58 > 0:17:03They got a couple of people to put on this papier-mache outfit
0:17:03 > 0:17:05while staff, police and paramedics attempted to stop it.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13They made a cardboard rhino. It's madness.
0:17:13 > 0:17:18I tell you how to deal with an escaped rhino - you fucking run!
0:17:18 > 0:17:21I love how they brought down this paper beast.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Eventually, the fake animal was fake shot with a fake sedative.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30It got worse. Apparently, they put him back in with a real rhino.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32GRUNTING
0:17:36 > 0:17:38From a zoo in Japan to one in China.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42If you think you're committed to your job, you have got nothing on this guy.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49That's sweet.
0:17:49 > 0:17:54Isn't that the loveliest thing you've ever seen? He saved a monkey.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58He saved a monkey. How did he save his life?
0:18:01 > 0:18:06He licked a monkey's arse for an hour.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Apparently, his mates couldn't believe it.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14In fairness, he loved it.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Now, unbelievably, that isn't the strangest story from China.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Have you seen the latest snack causing a stir?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26There's an unmistakable scent from the hard-boiled eggs
0:18:26 > 0:18:29sold on the street sold on the streets of eastern China.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Unmistakable scent? Jasmine? Lavender?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36They're soaked and boiled in urine.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- Eggs cooked in piss?! - Ain't nobody got time for that.
0:18:51 > 0:18:57- That has to be the most disgusting food ever. Right, lamb?- Yeah.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08This could be a mystery guest who's been in the news,
0:19:08 > 0:19:13and I have to figure out who that person is. So please welcome my mystery guest.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21- Hello.- Hello.- How are you doing?
0:19:21 > 0:19:26- Nice to meet you.- Nice to meet you. - Hello. What's your name?- Rosie.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Hey, Rosie. I'm Russell.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30We're on a bench. Feels like we're meeting for a date.
0:19:30 > 0:19:35- Would you like a flower? - Thank you very much.- No probs.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37- How did you break your arm? - I did it playing rugby.
0:19:37 > 0:19:42- Are you a rugby player?- I am, but it's not why I'm here tonight.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46- Have you had a look behind? That might help you.- Oh, right.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50- That's the Taj Mahal.- Yeah.
0:19:51 > 0:19:56Right, so it's like rugby... crossed with the Taj Mahal.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00I don't understand. You're going to have to give me more of a clue.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02OK. It's an Indian sport.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06- Kabaddi. Do you play kabaddi? - Yes, I do.- Fantastic.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10Now, you won't know this, but kabaddi was massive in the early '90s.
0:20:10 > 0:20:15- It's basically like kiss-chase, essentially.- Yeah, it's a big game of tig. Sort of wrestling.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19- It doesn't sound as good if you call it tig.- No.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21- DEEP VOICE:- Kabaddi! - HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:- Tig!
0:20:21 > 0:20:24"No, you can't move until someone says your name!"
0:20:24 > 0:20:28I think I might be all right here. I'm quite a good wriggler.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Are you? There's a lot of wriggling involved.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33We used to play a game when we were kids.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36We used to all get on my dad's bed, this sounds dodgy.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37LAUGHTER
0:20:37 > 0:20:40The game was called "Get out of my bed and into the sharks."
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Our dad used to try and push us into the sharks, which was the carpet.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- And I never lost.- You might be right then.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Yes, I played that until I was 16.
0:20:50 > 0:20:55"Dad, can we play?" "No. You must never play that game again."
0:20:55 > 0:20:58APPLAUSE
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Why are you in the news exactly?
0:21:00 > 0:21:03I was in the news because I want to make kabaddi an Olympic sport.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07- Sweet.- I captained the first-ever England women's kabaddi team.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11- We came second in the World Cup. - That's pretty cool.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13APPLAUSE
0:21:14 > 0:21:18- Let's play it. Let's have a game of kabaddi.- Yeah?- Yes, I'd like that.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- We're going to watch a clip of us in action.- Sweet.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34APPLAUSE
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Cool.
0:21:35 > 0:21:40Right then, tell me, Rosie, what's going to happen?
0:21:40 > 0:21:44- Obviously I can't do anything. I've done a bit of a Russell.- Nice.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- LAUGHTER - Come on, that was smooth. Nice work.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51- I'll go through a few basic points with you, so you know the rules. - Absolutely.
0:21:51 > 0:21:57- I've brought a few of the girls, so welcome the England kabaddi team. - Here we are, come on.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:02 > 0:22:06- Right, so these are your four stoppers.- Stoppers, bludgers.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Defenders. You are a raider.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10- I'm a raider?- You're the attacker. - Sweet.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13This is the attacking zone and this is your safe zone.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16- So they can get me if I'm here. - Not if you're in here.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- When you go across, you stop here. - Shall I stay here...?
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- What happens if I stay here all day? - They'll get bored and...
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- But they are not allowed.- I don't know, she might.- Oh, really?
0:22:26 > 0:22:30So you need to get across there, touch one of them
0:22:30 > 0:22:33with any part of your body - your hand, your foot...
0:22:33 > 0:22:35LAUGHTER
0:22:35 > 0:22:39OK, and then get back. When you touch one of them, they'll try to stop you.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- OK.- 30 seconds starts when you cross this line.
0:22:42 > 0:22:47If they get you within 10 seconds, you can wriggle your way back, wrestle, like your dad's game.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- Yeah.- You wriggle.- OK, cool.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- OK, go.- I'm out, I'm out. Come this way.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- You've got 30 seconds. - I've got to get there?
0:22:55 > 0:23:00- Yes, you've got to touch one of them. - I see, tricky, tricky.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Oh, God!
0:23:01 > 0:23:03You've got 15 seconds,
0:23:03 > 0:23:0515 seconds.
0:23:08 > 0:23:09Come on!
0:23:09 > 0:23:1110 seconds.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Somebody get me a cigarette now.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28That was horrible and lovely at the same time,
0:23:28 > 0:23:30like eating a fire ice cream.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34- Another go?- Yes, why not?
0:23:34 > 0:23:36- Right...- Ready?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Go!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Come on! Come on!
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Go! Yeah!
0:23:48 > 0:23:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- That was all right.- Are you tired?
0:24:00 > 0:24:04- So that is kabaddi. - That was really good.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Ladies and gentleman, please give it up for my wonderful mystery guests.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Big news in the world of health.
0:24:16 > 0:24:21The magic mushroom - a class A drug that comes with a seven-year prison sentence for possession.
0:24:21 > 0:24:27Now scientists at Imperial College London say it could treat depression.
0:24:27 > 0:24:32Magic mushrooms cure depression. Yeah, because you're off your tits.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35I used to feel suicidal, but now I got marshmallows for legs.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Trouble is, what if you do something mad while you're on 'em?
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Oh, no, I've eaten my legs. I thought they were marshmallows.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51You don't need mushrooms.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54If you're feeling low and you want something to cheer you up,
0:24:54 > 0:24:56just look at this.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11Now this is the story of Henry and the amazing power of music.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Hi, Papa.
0:25:20 > 0:25:26- Hi, Papa. How you doing? - I'm all right. I'm fine.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30How long has he been in the nursing home? Approximately ten years.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37He was having seizures and my mother couldn't handle him at home.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39He was always fun-loving. He was always into music.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42He always loved singing, dancing.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46He used to sit on the unit with his head like this.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49He didn't really talk to much people.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53Then when I introduced the music to him, this is his reaction ever since.
0:25:53 > 0:25:58He is given his favourite music,
0:25:58 > 0:26:02and immediately he lights up.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03And Henry has been quickened.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06He's been brought to life.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08When the headphones are taken off,
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Henry, normally mute and virtually unable to answer
0:26:11 > 0:26:15the simplest yes or no questions, is quite voluble.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17- Henry?- Yeah.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22- Do you like the iPod, do you like the music you're hearing?- Yes.
0:26:22 > 0:26:27I'm crazy about music. You play beautiful music, beautiful sound.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30What was your favourite music when you were young?
0:26:30 > 0:26:36I guess, well, Cab Calloway was my number one guy.
0:26:36 > 0:26:41What was your favourite Cab Calloway song?
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Oh...
0:26:42 > 0:26:47# I'll be home for Christmas... #
0:26:47 > 0:26:50In some sense Henry is restored to himself.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54He has remembered who he is
0:26:54 > 0:26:56through the power of music.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59What does music do to you?
0:26:59 > 0:27:04It gives me the feeling of love.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08The world need to come into music, singing, you got beautiful music.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Beautiful, oh, lovely.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13And I feel a band of love, dreams.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Awesome, isn't it?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22It's stand-up time, and here's a real treat.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26What can I tell you? He's American. He's written on 30 Rock and Saturday Night Live.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30He did the Edinburgh Festival last year and was nominated for Best Newcomer.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34So, please welcome, all the way from New York, the very funny Hannibal Buress.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36APPLAUSE
0:27:39 > 0:27:44How's it going? Hello. Hello.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49This is my first time here in London.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53I think it's an awful place, but I'm willing to adjust.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59I like that you all just have bank holidays here. It's nothing...
0:28:00 > 0:28:04It's not about a person. It's not about pillaging another country.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Just, you know, the bank is closed.
0:28:12 > 0:28:17So let's just close everything else, too. I like that!
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Last time I was in the UK, I was in Scotland.
0:28:22 > 0:28:26And I was in Scotland, in Edinburgh, so I came this time,
0:28:26 > 0:28:29and I still had money from Scotland,
0:28:29 > 0:28:34and so I went to a pub here in London, and I ordered my drink,
0:28:34 > 0:28:40and I handed the guy a Scottish 20, and he said, this is Scottish money.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43I said, yeah. Take it.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50I don't care about your feud.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Whatever's going on between England and Scotland,
0:28:53 > 0:28:56there's no difference between England and Scotland.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59Scottish people are deep-voiced English people.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04That's what, when people ask me, what's the difference between England and Scotland?
0:29:04 > 0:29:09In Scotland they talk like, "oh", and English people say "literally".
0:29:11 > 0:29:13Literally.
0:29:13 > 0:29:14I was literally at the pub,
0:29:14 > 0:29:18and I had literally had a pint in my hand, and I literally left.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22You don't even have to say literally that many times.
0:29:22 > 0:29:23You say literally too much.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28Before I was coming over here, I was back in New York,
0:29:28 > 0:29:32and I met these girls, they were from Ireland.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35And I said, oh, you're from Ireland.
0:29:35 > 0:29:40That's cool, because I'm going to the UK in a couple of months.
0:29:40 > 0:29:44And apparently Ireland isn't a part of the UK.
0:29:45 > 0:29:48Because of some crazy stuff that happened a while ago.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51I guess I got it mistaken with Northern Ireland,
0:29:51 > 0:29:53which is an honest mistake, I think.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56And what would've been nice, if those girls had said,
0:29:56 > 0:30:00hey there's a crazy history between the UK and Ireland,
0:30:00 > 0:30:02it's a very sensitive subject.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05The UK and Ireland, we're not cool like that.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08We don't like being associated with the UK, so you should know that.
0:30:08 > 0:30:12That would have been nice, and I would have said, thank you for telling me that.
0:30:12 > 0:30:16But instead, what these girls said, what the crap, you dumbass American.
0:30:16 > 0:30:20You probably don't even own a password, you stupid American.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22You don't know anything. You're not worthy.
0:30:22 > 0:30:26You don't know anything, dumb American, what the crap.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29And you know what? That doesn't make me want to learn about your country.
0:30:31 > 0:30:36Guess what? Now I'm going to tell all my friends Ireland is part of Dubai.
0:30:36 > 0:30:38And they're going to believe me,
0:30:38 > 0:30:40because I'm influential in my circle.
0:30:41 > 0:30:44So, I did the Edinburgh Festival last year.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47It was a dark moment in my life. It was very rainy.
0:30:47 > 0:30:52It's like the rain is just pissing on your soul. I was out one night.
0:30:52 > 0:30:55It was five in the morning.
0:30:55 > 0:30:57I'm talking with this girl, and I decide to take a swing,
0:30:57 > 0:31:01I say, how about we go back to my place for some food and some drinks.
0:31:01 > 0:31:05Most women would say, yeah, that sounds cool, or no, I'm all right.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08But she said, what type of food are we talking about?
0:31:10 > 0:31:12And what drinks are we talking about?
0:31:12 > 0:31:16Would you expect me to have sex with you if I come back to your place?
0:31:16 > 0:31:19If you come back to my place at five in the morning,
0:31:19 > 0:31:21eat all my food, drink all my drinks,
0:31:21 > 0:31:24and you don't want to have sex, then I don't want you in my life at all.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26What type of person would do that?
0:31:26 > 0:31:29That sounds like something a sociopath would do.
0:31:29 > 0:31:33Come to your place at five, eat your food, drink your drinks, leave at six thirty without fucking.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35That's a passive burglary.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46And as soon as she said that, I should have clocked that this woman
0:31:46 > 0:31:50was crazy, but I was kind of drunk, so I go, oh, she's kind of quirky.
0:31:51 > 0:31:55So we talk for a little bit. She says stuff, I say stuff,
0:31:55 > 0:31:59she says stuff, I say stuff. You know how conversation works.
0:31:59 > 0:32:03I think it's going well, so I go in for the kiss. She says, what?!
0:32:03 > 0:32:06You think you can just kiss me?
0:32:06 > 0:32:09Men think they're entitled to whatever they want from women.
0:32:09 > 0:32:13You objectify us. She started going into this crazy feminist rant.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16That's fine if you want to be a feminist, but I think five in the
0:32:16 > 0:32:20morning after the bar closes is a weird time to jump on your soapbox.
0:32:21 > 0:32:22Men just want to fuck.
0:32:22 > 0:32:25It's five in the morning, everybody wants to, that's why
0:32:25 > 0:32:29they stayed out till five, because it didn't happen at two.
0:32:31 > 0:32:35So, we keep talking for some reason. She wants to know my address.
0:32:35 > 0:32:37She's showing interest. I tell her my address.
0:32:37 > 0:32:42She wants to know what address. I tell her, she texts it to herself.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45I say, what's wrong? She says, I have to be safe.
0:32:45 > 0:32:49Three out of ten women that get raped don't report it.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52One out of one dudes is walking away from this conversation.
0:32:54 > 0:32:58She said, what's wrong? I said, you insane, lady, that's what's wrong.
0:32:58 > 0:33:00And it sounds very risky to hang out with you.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02And I didn't notice about myself until today,
0:33:02 > 0:33:06but I don't hang out with anybody that quotes rape statistics.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08There's nobody in my life that does that.
0:33:08 > 0:33:09That's such a weird trait to have.
0:33:09 > 0:33:11I have to get away from you
0:33:11 > 0:33:13because I'm a black man in Scotland on a work visa.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15They're going to believe any bullshit you say.
0:33:17 > 0:33:21But she was super drunk. She couldn't handle rejection.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23She just kept on, Hannibal, please let me explain.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25No, you've explained enough.
0:33:25 > 0:33:26Why, Hannibal, what's wrong?
0:33:26 > 0:33:29You seem insane and unstable, that's what's wrong.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31Hannibal, I just want to educate people.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33This is a weird-ass time for that kind of class.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36Hannibal, give me 30 seconds. No, I don't want to talk with you.
0:33:36 > 0:33:39Hannibal, please stop walking away. No, go away. Hannibal, please...
0:33:39 > 0:33:42Hey, lady, you acting like a rapist right now.
0:33:42 > 0:33:46I just said I don't want to talk with you and you keep on talking at me.
0:33:46 > 0:33:49You're raping my eardrums, and I feel very threatened. No means no.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01So we're dating now.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06My name is Hannibal, that's my real name.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09I feel like having this name has caused me
0:34:09 > 0:34:13to miss out on several potential sexual encounters.
0:34:13 > 0:34:16"A woman says, "Hey, what's your name?" "It's Hannibal."
0:34:16 > 0:34:19"All right, bye-e-e!"
0:34:19 > 0:34:20"Bye-e-e!"
0:34:20 > 0:34:25Seriously, I'm a real person, that's a movie dude you're judging me on.
0:34:25 > 0:34:27I got a brother and a sister.
0:34:27 > 0:34:30My brother's name is David, my sister's name is Angela,
0:34:30 > 0:34:33my mother's name is Margaret, my father's name is John...
0:34:33 > 0:34:35my name is Hannibal.
0:34:36 > 0:34:38It's awful.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40I got a teenage cousin, I don't like him at all,
0:34:40 > 0:34:43I think he's a bad person and a piece of shit and...
0:34:43 > 0:34:45I hope he doesn't get into college.
0:34:45 > 0:34:47He's a horrible person.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50If one of you was kicking his ass right here on this stage,
0:34:50 > 0:34:53I'd let you get ten more hits in before I stopped you.
0:34:53 > 0:34:58"Hey! Hey-hey-hey, hey, what's going on here? Hey! Hey!
0:34:59 > 0:35:02"What's happening?! He-e-ey!
0:35:02 > 0:35:04"Hey.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06"Get off my cousin, man."
0:35:09 > 0:35:11He always talks trash about my comedy.
0:35:11 > 0:35:15"Hey, Hannibal, we were watching your stand up on YouTube.
0:35:18 > 0:35:19"It wasn't funny, man."
0:35:21 > 0:35:24So I have to figure out what can I say back to this 17-year-old boy
0:35:24 > 0:35:29cos I'm not letting this slide, I'm very petty, I have to destroy him.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32I figured it out and I accused him of masturbating
0:35:32 > 0:35:36because teenagers can't handle that, their psyches are weak.
0:35:36 > 0:35:38I said, "What you coming from jacking off?"
0:35:38 > 0:35:40"I wasn't jacking off, Hannibal! Why would you say that?
0:35:40 > 0:35:44"I do not jack off, I will never jack off! Get out of here, Hannibal!"
0:35:46 > 0:35:49"Why do you want me to get out of here? So you can jack off some..."
0:35:49 > 0:35:51"NO-O-O-O!"
0:35:51 > 0:35:54That won't work on me, I'm 29. You accuse me -
0:35:54 > 0:35:56"Hannibal, you jacking off?" "Yeah."
0:35:56 > 0:35:59"Yes, I was jacking off, I was jacking off so I could have sex
0:35:59 > 0:36:05"for longer later, and that's grown man stuff, I'm planning out my life."
0:36:05 > 0:36:09Sometimes when I watch porn, I put my hoodie on so I feel creepier.
0:36:13 > 0:36:17Then I get under the computer so it feels like I'm spying on the couple.
0:36:19 > 0:36:20"What are you all up to?"
0:36:20 > 0:36:24Everybody needs a masturbation hoodie in my opinion.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27You have to keep your top warm because your bottom is exposed.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30Life is all about balance.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38Now, I like to drink.
0:36:38 > 0:36:41I only like to drink with people that can hold their liquor.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44I was with this girl, I bought some drinks, we go back to my hotel room.
0:36:44 > 0:36:46She starts throwing up all of these drinks that I'd bought,
0:36:46 > 0:36:48all over my room. It was very upsetting,
0:36:48 > 0:36:52it was like she was throwing up my money on my money.
0:36:54 > 0:36:56Very upsetting on so many levels.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59Really not that many levels.
0:36:59 > 0:37:03People over-use that sense. "It was messed up on so many levels, man."
0:37:03 > 0:37:07Oh, for real? Please name every level.
0:37:07 > 0:37:13"Well, metaphysical. Er... Er, level three. Eye level."
0:37:13 > 0:37:15Sea level? "Shut up, man!"
0:37:15 > 0:37:18Fuck your struggle, stop being dramatic.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21Whenever people are going through a struggle in life they get
0:37:21 > 0:37:24really cliched, they say stuff like, "I'm taking it one day at a time.
0:37:24 > 0:37:27"I'm just taking one day at a time."
0:37:27 > 0:37:30You know who else is? Everybody, cos that's how time works.
0:37:30 > 0:37:33That's the only way you can take time.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36What, were you doing it a week at a time before? Who are you?
0:37:36 > 0:37:37Who taught you how to do that?
0:37:37 > 0:37:40Teach me how to do that, I want to get through this quicker too.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42I don't like it when people say, "I'll pray for you".
0:37:42 > 0:37:45"I'll pray for you, I'll pray for you."
0:37:45 > 0:37:46You're gonna pray for me?
0:37:46 > 0:37:48So basically you're going to sit at home and do nothing?
0:37:48 > 0:37:53Cos that's what your prayers are, you're doing nothing while I struggle
0:37:53 > 0:37:57with the situation, so don't pray for me, make me a sandwich or something.
0:37:57 > 0:38:01Cos I'm very upset right now and I can't make my own sandwiches
0:38:01 > 0:38:03so that would be cool if you made me
0:38:03 > 0:38:05a sandwich instead of praying, it's very lazy.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07"We'll keep you in our thoughts."
0:38:07 > 0:38:09With the other bullshit in your head? No!
0:38:09 > 0:38:11Keep me out of your thoughts.
0:38:11 > 0:38:13Cos I hear some of the stuff you talk about,
0:38:13 > 0:38:15if that's close to what you think about,
0:38:15 > 0:38:16I don't want to be around that at all,
0:38:16 > 0:38:19so keep me and my family out of your thoughts.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22Unless you're thinking about making us sandwiches.
0:38:24 > 0:38:28I went to see this play in New York. It's called Sleep No More.
0:38:30 > 0:38:31And it was really cool.
0:38:31 > 0:38:33It's not a regular play where you sit in the audience
0:38:33 > 0:38:37and watch people on the stage, it's in this five storey building,
0:38:37 > 0:38:41and actors could pop up in any room and start doing a scene
0:38:41 > 0:38:43and then leave that room.
0:38:43 > 0:38:45They'd meet other actors and you'd follow them
0:38:45 > 0:38:46and it's really crazy.
0:38:46 > 0:38:48I guess it's loosely based on Macbeth.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51But I don't know anything about Macbeth so the whole
0:38:51 > 0:38:55experience for me was just getting drunk and chasing actors around.
0:38:55 > 0:38:57"Hey, what's going on over here. What does this scene mean?
0:38:57 > 0:38:59"What are you doing? What is all of this?"
0:38:59 > 0:39:03But it was a fun time, and I was in this office set by myself,
0:39:03 > 0:39:05nobody else was there and I farted in that room.
0:39:07 > 0:39:10Two actors came into that room to do a scene
0:39:10 > 0:39:12and they acted into my fart cloud...
0:39:13 > 0:39:15And I could see it was bothering them,
0:39:15 > 0:39:19but they really couldn't speak on it, they had to just power through.
0:39:22 > 0:39:24I was just happy to be a part of the process.
0:39:26 > 0:39:28Really fun.
0:39:28 > 0:39:32APPLAUSE
0:39:32 > 0:39:35I live in New York.
0:39:35 > 0:39:38Sometimes I get drunk and I get into arguments with taxi drivers
0:39:38 > 0:39:43and I get out the cab and I slam the door.
0:39:43 > 0:39:46That's not the way to win an argument with a taxi driver.
0:39:46 > 0:39:51The way to win is you get out the cab and you leave the door open.
0:39:54 > 0:39:57He has to step out, come around and close the door,
0:39:57 > 0:39:59and while he's doing that,
0:39:59 > 0:40:01I'm on the other side opening the other doors.
0:40:03 > 0:40:07And we just keep going around and around and around and around.
0:40:09 > 0:40:12I got my own personal Benny Hill situation going on.
0:40:12 > 0:40:14Life is great, cue the music.
0:40:14 > 0:40:18IMITATES BENNY HILL MUSIC
0:40:18 > 0:40:19I'm a big rap fan
0:40:19 > 0:40:22but a lot of rappers say goofy stuff in their songs.
0:40:22 > 0:40:24There's one rapper who has a song where he's says,
0:40:24 > 0:40:28"How stupid dumb big, my room's got rooms."
0:40:31 > 0:40:33No, those are closets.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37Those aren't extra rooms in your rooms!
0:40:39 > 0:40:41He'd be the worst real estate agent ever.
0:40:41 > 0:40:46"Here we have a 34-bedroom house. Let me show you round the property.
0:40:46 > 0:40:48"Great feature this place,
0:40:48 > 0:40:51"some of the rooms have extra small rooms in them.
0:40:51 > 0:40:54"You have to sleep in these rooms like this,
0:40:54 > 0:40:57"very unique sleeping situation, inspired by the Japanese."
0:41:00 > 0:41:03A while back, Lil Wayne had an interview and he was really bad at it.
0:41:03 > 0:41:06The journalist said, "Lil Wayne, if you could ask George Bush any
0:41:06 > 0:41:09questions about Hurricane Katrina, what would you say?"
0:41:09 > 0:41:15He said, "I'm a gangster, and gangsters don't ask questions."
0:41:15 > 0:41:17What? Gangsters do ask questions!
0:41:17 > 0:41:20Asking questions is a big part of being a gangster.
0:41:20 > 0:41:23"Hey, man, where's my money!" That's a question.
0:41:23 > 0:41:26"Do you want to die tonight?!" That's a question too.
0:41:26 > 0:41:28"What? What?" That's two questions.
0:41:30 > 0:41:33Gangsters always ask questions.
0:41:35 > 0:41:38Thanks a lot, I'm Hannibal Buress, thank y'all. Goodnight.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:41 > 0:41:43The wonderful Hannibal Buress!
0:41:45 > 0:41:47Thank you very much for watching Good News. Good night.
0:42:16 > 0:42:19I really enjoyed that. It was fun.
0:42:19 > 0:42:20Right, lamb?
0:42:20 > 0:42:22Yeah!
0:42:22 > 0:42:24LAUGHTER
0:42:24 > 0:42:26APPLAUSE