0:00:06 > 0:00:11This programme contains very strong language.
0:00:11 > 0:00:16This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Hello and welcome to Good News. I tell you what,
0:00:35 > 0:00:37it doesn't take much to distract Dan Lobb.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40The Culture Secretary is now on borrowed time, and...
0:00:40 > 0:00:45Oh, Morrissey tickets available for Manchester in July!
0:00:45 > 0:00:52He's great. It can be absolutely anything...
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Gorgeous, step outside and think...
0:00:54 > 0:00:57My script is the same colour as your top.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Here's a question...
0:01:04 > 0:01:07what is Peter Levy doing under his desk?
0:01:07 > 0:01:10350th birthday of...
0:01:13 > 0:01:17Either my telly's broken, or there's been some big changes at Sky News.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23This is Sky News, with Eamonn Holmes.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Good morning.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30You look different, Eamonn!
0:01:30 > 0:01:36Finally, this has to be my favourite reaction to winning a competition EVER.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Is that Jae?
0:01:37 > 0:01:39- Jae.- Jae.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Jae Grumley, this is Mel and Kochie from Sunrise.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Would you like 10,000 on this Thursday morning?
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Are you fucking serious?!
0:01:54 > 0:01:56So, what has been going on?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Everyone's favourite royal was back in the news.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02Prince Philip left Royal well-wishers aghast
0:02:02 > 0:02:05after a comment about a woman's chest during the Queen's Jubilee tour.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Damn right. Did you hear what he said?
0:02:08 > 0:02:13The Duke was on a Royal walkabout when he came to council worker Hannah Jackson,
0:02:13 > 0:02:17whose red dress had a zip running down the front.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19He told the police officer standing next to him,
0:02:19 > 0:02:23"I would get arrested if I unzipped that dress."
0:02:23 > 0:02:29- AS PRINCE PHILIP:- Hello! Can I unzip your dress?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Hey, copper, how many years if I do the motorboat?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40That wasn't his only gaffe of the day.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43He also met a lady in a wheelchair, wearing a foil blanket.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46What did he say to her?
0:02:58 > 0:03:02You look like a baked potato! Look, Liz, she's in a wheelchair!
0:03:02 > 0:03:04It's meals on wheels!
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Can I unzip YOUR dress?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15That wasn't the only royal news. Did you see this?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I think we all know who bought them.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27350th birthday...
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Elsewhere in Britain,
0:03:30 > 0:03:33have you seen how the government are trying to help parents?
0:03:33 > 0:03:37David Cameron told parents he wants to make life easier for them.
0:03:37 > 0:03:42From today, new parents will be able to sign up to a service
0:03:42 > 0:03:47so that they get regular e-mails and texts about looking after their baby.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48Yeah, that's exactly what you need -
0:03:48 > 0:03:54text messages from David Cameron telling you how to raise your kids.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Imagine the useful advice a Tory millionaire will give you.
0:04:03 > 0:04:08Thanks, Dave! It isn't just messages. Look what else they're offering.
0:04:08 > 0:04:13Support via text and e-mail is offered alongside vouchers for parenting classes.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Parenting classes! To be honest, some people need them.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19This is not how you put your kid to sleep.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Daddy!
0:04:31 > 0:04:37Can you imagine how patronising the classes would be? Morning, everyone!
0:04:37 > 0:04:41This is a nice cake for a baby.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46This is a bad cake.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Let's face it, you can teach parents all you want,
0:04:54 > 0:04:57ultimately, kids make their own decisions.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Repeat after me.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Dad.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- Dad.- Ga.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03- Dad.- Ga.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- Dad.- Dad.- Dad.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Dad.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- Who's your favourite?- Mum.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19The big news in sport was all about the Flame.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23- The Olympic Flame.- The Olympic Flame.- The Olympic Flame. - The Olympic Flame.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26You run that flame, baby!
0:05:26 > 0:05:29The flame had to be flown from Greece.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31So, who looked after it on the plane?
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Very Posh and Becks.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39I love that photo. It looks like Beckham is going, "Who is this dick?!"
0:05:39 > 0:05:44And Boris is going, "I like the sun and the sun likes me!"
0:05:45 > 0:05:48I bet Boris was a nightmare on the plane.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- AS BORIS:- "Becks, let's use the flame to light our farts!"
0:05:51 > 0:05:56- AS BECKHAM:- "Not now, I'm trying to watch a film."
0:05:57 > 0:05:58"I hope they find him.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01"Poor little fish."
0:06:05 > 0:06:08It's a Finding Nemo joke.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12I love how people welcome the flame. In Cornwall, they went big.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19In Devon, they just got a local nutter.
0:06:23 > 0:06:28Finally in this section, celebrities have been trying to stop obesity.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Chef Jamie Oliver and footballer Steven Gerrard say the pride of hosting
0:06:32 > 0:06:35the Olympic Games has been tainted by the fact that Britain
0:06:35 > 0:06:38is officially the fattest nation in Europe.
0:06:38 > 0:06:43Damn straight. It's already affected our gymnasts.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Our swimmers aren't much better.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10On the bright side, at least we're not as bad as the Americans.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26Have you seen what the Indonesian government are doing to stop people
0:07:26 > 0:07:28riding on top of trains?
0:07:28 > 0:07:32In most countries, fare-dodging will get you a fine.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34In Indonesia, it gets you this.
0:07:36 > 0:07:41If they go on the roof, they get a metal ball to the face.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45- Ain't nobody got time for that! - CHEERING
0:07:48 > 0:07:50We think we've got it bad. "My train was delayed!"
0:07:50 > 0:07:54They get happy-slapped by robot bollocks!
0:07:54 > 0:07:57It gets even weirder. Look at the reason why they are doing it.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59According to statistics,
0:07:59 > 0:08:03riding on the roofs of trains killed 11 people in Indonesia last year.
0:08:03 > 0:08:09They are trying to stop the risk of death by increasing the risk of death.
0:08:11 > 0:08:16"How can we stop them dying?" "Let's kill them."
0:08:16 > 0:08:20Maybe metal balls would be good over here.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23TINNY DANCE MUSIC PLAYS FROM HEADPHONES
0:08:29 > 0:08:32CHEERING
0:08:34 > 0:08:40From scary trains to the freakiest wedding ever.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43A unique wedding in Seattle this afternoon, as people came
0:08:43 > 0:08:46together to witness the union of a woman and a building.
0:08:48 > 0:08:53A woman married a building! She must love watching Grand Designs.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Oh, God!
0:08:57 > 0:09:01My ass! Look at the brickwork!
0:09:03 > 0:09:08Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet. I don't even know what that is.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13She is obsessed. Did you see her wedding vows?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15She even did a little song.
0:09:15 > 0:09:20# I cleaned your rooms, washed your floors
0:09:20 > 0:09:25# Built community and opened some doors... #
0:09:25 > 0:09:29# I dusted your bedrooms Cleaned window panes
0:09:29 > 0:09:33# I married a building I'm fucking insane. #
0:09:33 > 0:09:38APPLAUSE
0:09:38 > 0:09:41I'd love it if the building sang back...
0:09:41 > 0:09:45# Leave me alone, bitch, I need my space
0:09:45 > 0:09:50# What's that red shit all over your face?! #
0:09:51 > 0:09:53I'm not sure the marriage will last.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Her ex-boyfriend found out, and he was not happy.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57Son of a bitch!
0:10:00 > 0:10:04It's not the funniest relationship story of the week.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07If you think your girlfriend is upset with you,
0:10:07 > 0:10:08it's got nothing on this.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12A Tampa area man has some explaining to do after he says
0:10:12 > 0:10:16he mistook his girlfriend for a wild hog and shot her.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23In case you're struggling to comprehend that...
0:10:23 > 0:10:27He thought his wife was a pig and shot her in the arse!
0:10:28 > 0:10:30I told my mum about this. What did she say?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33"Should have gone to Specsavers!"
0:10:37 > 0:10:40I've saved the weirdest for last. Have a look at this insane story.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49If they get the weather wrong, they go to prison.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53"What are you in for?" "Scattered showers."
0:10:53 > 0:10:55"You will be scattered in the showers."
0:10:55 > 0:10:57"Stop saying that."
0:10:59 > 0:11:03If they're this harsh, imagine what they'd have done to this guy.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06By and large, it is a lovely winter's day tomorrow.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Bucket loads of cunt...of, er, sunshine...
0:11:08 > 0:11:10LAUGHTER
0:11:10 > 0:11:12He's going to jail!
0:11:15 > 0:11:18The big news in sport was definitely this.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Chelsea have been crowned European champions in Munich.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Chelsea won the Champions League for the first time ever.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27So, how did the fans celebrate? Some sang.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29# Championes, championes
0:11:29 > 0:11:32# Ole, ole, ole! #
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Others got a bit carried away.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43- You don't want to see the rest of that clip! - LAUGHTER
0:11:43 > 0:11:46You think that's weird? This was definitely the strangest reaction.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49CHEERING
0:11:57 > 0:12:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:02 > 0:12:06We won! Yeah! Let's shag the dog!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Ah!
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Why are we sh...? I don't know!
0:12:10 > 0:12:14It gets weirder. Did you see what the fans were throwing
0:12:14 > 0:12:16at the players during the victory parade?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19You'll see on the ground
0:12:19 > 0:12:23and in the air as well, lots of celery flying.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24LAUGHTER
0:12:24 > 0:12:28Celery?! Who celebrates by throwing vegetables? "I can't believe we won!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30"Pass me that broccoli.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35"It's the best day of my life." "Is that a radish? Go on!"
0:12:36 > 0:12:39So, why were they throwing celery?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42It's all to do with this beautiful ballad that the Chelsea fans sing.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44SINGING:
0:12:50 > 0:12:52LAUGHTER
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Well, that is not how to get your five a day!
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Also, those people watching the show who have never had sex,
0:12:59 > 0:13:01don't ever do that!
0:13:04 > 0:13:07There's somebody watching at home going... (GASPS)
0:13:10 > 0:13:12"How did he know?"
0:13:12 > 0:13:14After they got rid of the celery,
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Frank Lampard paid tribute to the fans.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19It was the most amazing night of our careers,
0:13:19 > 0:13:21and we are so pleased to come back and celebrate with our fans.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Drogba? He did an impression of a car stuck in traffic.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- Beep, beep! - ALL: Yay!
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- Beep, beep!- Yay! - Beep, beep!- Yay!
0:13:31 > 0:13:33No idea!
0:13:33 > 0:13:36My favourite player was definitely David Luiz.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Fair to say, when he did this interview on Italian TV,
0:13:39 > 0:13:41he'd had a few drinks.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03He was still hammered the next day.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10CHEERING
0:14:10 > 0:14:12CHEERING
0:14:15 > 0:14:17SINGS:
0:14:21 > 0:14:23# I'm so wankered
0:14:23 > 0:14:27# I don't know my own name! #
0:14:27 > 0:14:31LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:14:31 > 0:14:34From Chelsea's victory to something really weird.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37This has to be the strangest sport ever.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Before you get excited, that's rabbits as in "Aw!"
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Not as in "Br-r-r!"
0:14:45 > 0:14:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:48 > 0:14:50That's a different kind of rabbit.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52LAUGHTER
0:14:52 > 0:14:54I'm winning! I'm winning!
0:14:54 > 0:14:56LAUGHTER
0:14:56 > 0:14:59This is genuinely a story about the Rabbit Grand National.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Do you want to meet the woman
0:15:01 > 0:15:03that trains the fastest rabbits in England?
0:15:03 > 0:15:07REPORTER: Maureen Hoyle keeps international athletes
0:15:07 > 0:15:09in her garden shed.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11She's the UK's leading rabbit jumping trainer.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Novice Roger the Belgian hare is having his first training session
0:15:15 > 0:15:16in Maureen's indoor arena.
0:15:16 > 0:15:21Wow! She's got an indoor arena.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23AKA, the hall.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24LAUGHTER
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Mind you, I bet Roger is amazing.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30It's looking good till the post arrives.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32LAUGHTER
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Forget about Roger, he's a fucking joker!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37This next guy is the real deal.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Smudge is her prize champion.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Oh, look at that hopping action!
0:15:43 > 0:15:47Wait for it. Wait for it. Go on!
0:15:47 > 0:15:48It's thrilling.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Damn right, it's thrilling.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54It's the most incredible thing I've ever seen!
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Nobody is going to out-jump Smudge. He's a legend.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Let's have a look at the pitiful dickheads
0:16:00 > 0:16:03who are going to take the mighty Smudge on.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Fuck it, it'll make a lovely pair of slippers.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Now here's a cracking story about a woman under siege.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20REPORTER: It was one of the most bizarre requests for help
0:16:20 > 0:16:22these 911 dispatchers have ever heard.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31So what was it? An alligator? A snake?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Oh, no. It was much more terrifying.
0:16:33 > 0:16:38The home owner discovered a squirrel swimming in the toilet.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39LAUGHTER
0:16:39 > 0:16:41I love how they say he was "swimming".
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Like she opened the toilet seat and he's wearing armbands.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47LAUGHTER
0:16:47 > 0:16:49"Hey, baby.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53"Don't pull that flush. Toilet hot tub!"
0:16:53 > 0:16:55LAUGHTER
0:16:55 > 0:16:57I love the overreaction of the police.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Officer Derek Kennedy was first to respond.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01As soon as I saw the squirrel, I knew I needed back-up.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03LAUGHTER
0:17:03 > 0:17:07I had to open fire, he had a goddamn hazelnut!
0:17:07 > 0:17:12Luckily, the squirrel got away. In fact, he gave me an interview.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14What a bloody day!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16I'm having a swim, I look up,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19all of a sudden, I got a face full of granny fanny!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21LAUGHTER
0:17:21 > 0:17:24I run away, suddenly some police arsehole tries to shoot me.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Did he hit me? Did he fuck!
0:17:27 > 0:17:29LAUGHTER
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Hmph! Dickhead!
0:17:30 > 0:17:36Now, a story about watching a film way too loudly.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39REPORTER: 'Bret Stieghorst was mistaken for a rapist
0:17:39 > 0:17:41'after his neighbour heard some unusual noises
0:17:41 > 0:17:43'coming from his apartment.'
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Apparently way too loudly.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49He was watching porn so loud,
0:17:49 > 0:17:52his neighbour thought he was raping someone.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53LAUGHTER
0:17:53 > 0:17:56So, did the neighbour call the police? Knock the door?
0:17:56 > 0:17:57No, he went loco!
0:17:57 > 0:18:00He ran up the stairs with his sword,
0:18:00 > 0:18:03kicked in the door and broke the door's lock.
0:18:03 > 0:18:08He comes in with the three-foot-long sword and shouts, "Where is she?"
0:18:08 > 0:18:11A three-foot-long sword!
0:18:11 > 0:18:14He must have been terrified! One minute he's watching porn,
0:18:14 > 0:18:17the next minute, he's confronted by the ninja wank fairy!
0:18:17 > 0:18:20LAUGHTER
0:18:20 > 0:18:24What I want to know, how loud must the porn have been?
0:18:24 > 0:18:28Who listens to porn with the volume up?!
0:18:28 > 0:18:31"I know, I fancy a tug. Let's hook this up to the speakers.
0:18:31 > 0:18:36- "Open up the window. - SHOUTS:- "Hello, I'm having a wank!
0:18:36 > 0:18:40"Just thought I'd let you know! Love you, Nan!"
0:18:40 > 0:18:42LAUGHTER
0:18:42 > 0:18:45The best bit about this story? Check out the bloke's reaction
0:18:45 > 0:18:47to this knife-wielding lunatic.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51Bret now thinks twice when he hears a knock at the door,
0:18:51 > 0:18:55but will he think twice about watching adult films from now on?
0:18:55 > 0:18:56No way!
0:18:56 > 0:18:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:58 > 0:18:59"No way, man!
0:18:59 > 0:19:02"Like my grandad said, if it ain't got titties,
0:19:02 > 0:19:04"that movie's shitty!"
0:19:08 > 0:19:11This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14It's a mystery guest who's been in the news. I have to figure out
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- who that person is. Please welcome my mystery guest. - APPLAUSE
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- Are you OK?- Yes, thank you.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29It was slapping down on you.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32I know, but I don't worry about those things.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- My name's Russell. What's your name?- Jocelyn.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Nice to meet you.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39I imagine, Jocelyn, either you own a shoe shop
0:19:39 > 0:19:41or you're an excellent but specific thief?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43LAUGHTER
0:19:43 > 0:19:48- Do you steal shoes? - I don't remember stealing any shoes.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Anything to do with shoes?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52I hope it does, otherwise this is a bit weird.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54LAUGHTER
0:19:54 > 0:19:56A little bit to do with shoes.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Can you give me any more clues? Everything rhymes with "shoes"!
0:19:59 > 0:20:01But this doesn't!
0:20:01 > 0:20:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:09 > 0:20:11OK.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13I have no idea.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Is it anything it do with these weird buttons?
0:20:16 > 0:20:20- That gives you a good clue.- Erm...
0:20:20 > 0:20:21LAUGHTER
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Am I being an idiot? I have no idea.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- You'll never be an idiot, will you? AUDIENCE:- Aw!
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Aw, what a lovely thing to say!
0:20:30 > 0:20:33But, historically, I have proven to be an idiot.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35LAUGHTER
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Does anyone have an idea?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39There's a lady at the back waving her hand.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- Roller disco? - Is it a roller disco?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45- Very close.- Really?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47APPLAUSE
0:20:51 > 0:20:55- You run roller discos?- No.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57That's not what I was in the news for.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Why were you in the news?
0:20:59 > 0:21:03I was in the news because I'm Britain's oldest roller skating teacher.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05There you go, that's worth a round of applause.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08APPLAUSE
0:21:08 > 0:21:10I told you I could be an idiot. I said that.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13So, are we having a go at roller skating? Are you up for that?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15We are going to have a go.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18OK. Excellent, let's have a clip of you in action.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22This is me skating with an injured heel.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26- I would have liked to have done more, but there it is. - Let's have a look.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45APPLAUSE
0:21:45 > 0:21:49- Right!- My goodness.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50My goodness me.
0:21:50 > 0:21:56I cannot skate. I'm going to break my legs. Stop laughing.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Not if I can help it.
0:21:59 > 0:22:04Yeah. It's just that my legs just want to dance.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05LAUGHTER
0:22:05 > 0:22:09- Just hold this barrier. This is what it's here for.- OK.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13We want to introduce you to the artistic kind of roller skating.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14OK.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Do you think you'd like to try it?
0:22:18 > 0:22:19If my legs...
0:22:19 > 0:22:20LAUGHTER
0:22:20 > 0:22:24I fancy it, my legs don't, but what the hell. Here we go.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Right. So...
0:22:26 > 0:22:29You know when you watch a nature programme
0:22:29 > 0:22:33and there's a penguin. You think, "He ain't going to live"?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36It's just like that, "Mum, wait for me!"
0:22:36 > 0:22:39"He ain't making it to the winter."
0:22:39 > 0:22:40Oh...
0:22:40 > 0:22:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:44 > 0:22:46WOLF WHISTLES
0:22:51 > 0:22:52Oh...
0:22:55 > 0:22:57- Oh...- Hold on to there.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Hey, I've got an idea. I have a way we can make this artistic.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01This is the way to do it.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03You are trying to woo me. OK?
0:23:03 > 0:23:04LAUGHTER
0:23:04 > 0:23:06I've...
0:23:06 > 0:23:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:14 > 0:23:17I've got it, right, you will try and woo me.
0:23:17 > 0:23:23I'll play the role of poor village boy, tied to this rail.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27He cannot leave the rail until his true love comes along
0:23:27 > 0:23:31- and releases him from the rail. - I'm here, darling.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Now, give me your hands. There's a good chap.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44WHOOPING
0:23:44 > 0:23:47That's it. Now, then. Feet out.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51APPLAUSE
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Out and in.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06And out and in.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08LAUGHTER
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Oh, God.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18Go on. Bend...straighten.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20LAUGHTER
0:24:22 > 0:24:23You try that.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Shit!
0:24:25 > 0:24:30- My grandchildren might be watching. Behave yourself.- Sorry!
0:24:30 > 0:24:34If your grandchildren are watching, what's happening?!
0:24:34 > 0:24:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:38 > 0:24:39It's been fun.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43- I just can't do it. I feel like I've let you down.- You can be my toy boy.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:48 > 0:24:52Ladies and gentlemen, please, give it up for my mystery guest!
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Elsewhere in Britain it was the Sony Awards.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Basically, they are the Oscars of the radio world.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Did you see who won Best Entertainment Show?
0:25:06 > 0:25:1086-year-old Belle and 90-year-old Betty are Sony Award winners.
0:25:10 > 0:25:15And the winners - if I was 80 years younger - Belle and Betty!
0:25:16 > 0:25:21The biggest radio award was won by a couple of pensioner DJs.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Did you see them on the red carpet? They were brilliant.
0:25:24 > 0:25:29- How does it feel to be here? - It feels absolutely fantastic.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33- What are you most looking forward to tonight?- Chicken dinner!
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Chicken dinner!
0:25:34 > 0:25:40This woman is obsessed, and I mean obsessed, with chicken.
0:25:40 > 0:25:45A chicken dinner! That shocked them, didn't it? A chicken dinner.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49- Best of luck to you.- Thank you. Am I getting a chicken dinner?
0:25:49 > 0:25:51LAUGHTER
0:25:51 > 0:25:53I love her so much.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57"Are you excited about seeing celebrities?" "No, Nando's."
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Imagine her at the Oscars? "You're sat next to Tom Cruise!"
0:26:00 > 0:26:02"That's lovely. Has he got a Zinger meal?"
0:26:02 > 0:26:03LAUGHTER
0:26:03 > 0:26:07She may love chicken but she's got no time for this bloke.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10What's the secret of making a good radio show?
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Just get on with your life, love.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16"Fuck off, pal."
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Unbelievably, some people are criticising them for winning -
0:26:20 > 0:26:23apparently they're too old to be stars in the music world.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Bollocks, you're never too old to enjoy music, right, love?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Yeah!
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Now, this is an amazing story about two brothers
0:26:37 > 0:26:40and the unbreakable bond between them. Enjoy.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44Jenny and Jeff Lawn found out in 2005
0:26:44 > 0:26:48that two-year-old Connor would have a younger brother.
0:26:48 > 0:26:53Shortly after Caden was born, they realised that something was wrong.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56At four months old, they received the diagnosis.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Cerebral palsy.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04Connor wished that Caden could come out and play with him more.
0:27:04 > 0:27:09I think that had been on his mind more than what we know as a parent.
0:27:09 > 0:27:14Eight-year-old Connor and six-year-old Caden compete as a team.
0:27:15 > 0:27:21An idea born from one brother's desire to connect with the other.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24They wanted to be a part of the biggest race they could find.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26The Iron Kids' Triathlon.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29With so many children, organisers told the family they were uncertain
0:27:29 > 0:27:35if there was room for Caden's raft and trailer on the course.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38When they told us that, I told Connor.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40"Caden might not be able to do this race with you.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43"Would you consider doing it by yourself?"
0:27:43 > 0:27:46He said "no". He would sit at home before he left his brother.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50Organisers eventually cleared the boys to race.
0:27:50 > 0:27:55When you start a race, what are you thinking about?
0:28:03 > 0:28:06From the pool to the pavement,
0:28:06 > 0:28:11the team of Connor and Caden Lawn finished last,
0:28:11 > 0:28:15but as brothers, they finished.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Pretty cool, eh? Pretty cool indeed.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21APPLAUSE
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Now it's time for my stand-up guest. This bloke's called Iain Stirling,
0:28:26 > 0:28:28he's very funny - so please welcome him to the stage!
0:28:28 > 0:28:32APPLAUSE
0:28:34 > 0:28:35Hello.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Hello.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40All right?
0:28:40 > 0:28:41WHOOPING
0:28:41 > 0:28:44My name's Iain, I'll explain my appearance - basically,
0:28:44 > 0:28:46this is my, er, face.
0:28:48 > 0:28:49I take it everywhere I go.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53I've got this face because my dad's Norwegian
0:28:53 > 0:28:57and my mum is in the boyband McFly.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59So...
0:28:59 > 0:29:03as you can tell from my accent, I am European.
0:29:05 > 0:29:06I'm from Scotland.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08CHEERING
0:29:08 > 0:29:11It's cool being from Scotland, man. There's lots of negative stereotypes
0:29:11 > 0:29:14but sometimes Scottish people can just blow your mind.
0:29:14 > 0:29:17I was recently on the Megabus - do we know the Megabus?
0:29:17 > 0:29:22It's pretty cool, but the Megabus in Scotland is kind of like heroin.
0:29:24 > 0:29:28Basically, if you're on it, chances are you're a junkie.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30That's how it works.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32I was on the Megabus going from Edinburgh through to Glasgow.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35I was having a good time on the Megabus.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38These boys got on the back of the bus, these intimidating-looking lads,
0:29:38 > 0:29:43and I judged them, but I shouldn't have done, because these guys were comedy geniuses.
0:29:43 > 0:29:44No word of a lie.
0:29:44 > 0:29:50One of the guys turns to his mates and goes, "Here, boys, here, lads,
0:29:50 > 0:29:54"I'm not going to tell you how many women I have slept with.
0:29:54 > 0:29:57"All I'm going to tell you is this.
0:29:57 > 0:30:01"If I had a pound for every woman I'd slept with,
0:30:01 > 0:30:04"I would have £8."
0:30:04 > 0:30:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:12 > 0:30:15Part Casanova, part Sudoku puzzle!
0:30:16 > 0:30:18Hey, I recently turned 24.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20I went on the old Facebook to organise a night out.
0:30:20 > 0:30:25"Guys, I'm turning 24, big birthday, come on, get involved, yeah."
0:30:25 > 0:30:27Cos I'm an idiot on Facebook, apparently.
0:30:27 > 0:30:32No word of a lie, add me on Facebook, and check this for yourself -
0:30:32 > 0:30:35one person liked my Facebook status!
0:30:35 > 0:30:40That one person was Alison Stirling, my own mother!
0:30:40 > 0:30:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:47 > 0:30:51I mean, my mum is impressively terrible at Facebook.
0:30:51 > 0:30:54My mum has been on Facebook for 18 months,
0:30:54 > 0:30:58she has four friends on Facebook - she's got me,
0:30:58 > 0:31:02my girlfriend, my sister, and Auntie Pam.
0:31:04 > 0:31:06Auntie Pam, who insists on calling herself,
0:31:06 > 0:31:08on Facebook...
0:31:08 > 0:31:11"Auntie Pam"!
0:31:12 > 0:31:18"First name?" "Auntie." "Surname?" "It's Pam."
0:31:18 > 0:31:20"Interests?" "My nephew."
0:31:20 > 0:31:24"Activities?" "Putting £5 in cards
0:31:24 > 0:31:26"regardless of the person's age or situation.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29"You're three, have a fiver. You're 18, have a fiver.
0:31:29 > 0:31:33"Happy bar mitzvah, have a fiver. Merry Christmas, have a fiver.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35"Happy Easter, have a fiver..."
0:31:36 > 0:31:40"I am so sorry about your loss.
0:31:43 > 0:31:45"Have a fiver!"
0:31:45 > 0:31:47LAUGHTER
0:31:49 > 0:31:52We went out, the five of us, had a great time, cos my Auntie Pam is insane.
0:31:52 > 0:31:54She's got a certificate and everything.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56LAUGHTER
0:31:56 > 0:31:58When I was a kid, we were on holiday,
0:31:58 > 0:32:01in the breakfast bar of the hotel, the guy walks over to ask my Auntie Pam,
0:32:01 > 0:32:03"How would you like your eggs?"
0:32:03 > 0:32:06And she replied, "In a cake."
0:32:15 > 0:32:19I am quite young, but I'm old enough to remember certain things.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21I remember the golden age of MasterChef.
0:32:21 > 0:32:25Some of you might remember this. Loyd Grossman. Three kitchens.
0:32:25 > 0:32:27No messing about. It was amazing.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29Nowadays, MasterChef is
0:32:29 > 0:32:32the most needlessly dramatic programme in the entire world!
0:32:32 > 0:32:35The start of MasterChef is this -
0:32:35 > 0:32:38GROWLS: "This is as tough as cooking gets."
0:32:41 > 0:32:44No, it's not. Clearly you've never got home
0:32:44 > 0:32:47at 3 o'clock in the morning,
0:32:47 > 0:32:51pissed out your mind and thought, "I am making a quiche."
0:32:53 > 0:32:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:58 > 0:33:02Although, drunken MasterChef would be an amazing programme.
0:33:02 > 0:33:06Imagine the commentary. "Kimberley decided to skip dessert,
0:33:06 > 0:33:08"and instead has put a traffic cone on the fridge!"
0:33:08 > 0:33:10There we go.
0:33:10 > 0:33:13Over to the blue kitchen. Just a guy like,
0:33:13 > 0:33:16SLURRED: "I was preparing..."
0:33:16 > 0:33:19SIGHS
0:33:19 > 0:33:21"I shouldn't have done that Jaeger.
0:33:22 > 0:33:26"I was preparing the salad for the stir fry
0:33:26 > 0:33:30"and then instead I just done a poo in the wok."
0:33:34 > 0:33:37I don't know why he would do that.
0:33:39 > 0:33:42The worst programme in the world, though, is on Channel 4.
0:33:42 > 0:33:46It is filmed in Chester. It is known as Hollyoaks.
0:33:46 > 0:33:48CHEERING
0:33:48 > 0:33:51I think it's a horribly vacuous show.
0:33:51 > 0:33:53For those who don't know it,
0:33:53 > 0:33:56it's like a dyslexic person wrote a play for the cast of Babestation.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05I'm trying to be more mature.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07I'm getting to that age as well
0:34:07 > 0:34:10where my mates have started to have kids.
0:34:10 > 0:34:13That's weird. If anyone here's got kids, new kids, here's a thing.
0:34:13 > 0:34:17Nobody wants to hold your child. I don't know if any of you got this.
0:34:17 > 0:34:21My mates, you know the rule, they give you the baby.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24You've got to get the baby, you sort of go...
0:34:24 > 0:34:25EXHALES LOUDLY
0:34:27 > 0:34:29"That's a good baby?"
0:34:29 > 0:34:32Apart from my Auntie Pam, who once got a baby and went,
0:34:32 > 0:34:35"He looks like a prick!" Just gave it back.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38"You can't say that! It's a new baby!"
0:34:38 > 0:34:40She went, "Well, someone's got to tell it."
0:34:42 > 0:34:44They say the weirdest things.
0:34:44 > 0:34:48They give you the kid and go, "Iain, if you hold the baby,
0:34:48 > 0:34:53"if you hold the baby, you will feel the love from the baby."
0:34:54 > 0:34:56That baby does not love you, OK?
0:34:56 > 0:34:59Like, I love my girlfriend, but never when she's been holding me
0:34:59 > 0:35:01in her arms have I shat down her legs.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04Never... Well, I mean, one time.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08I was drunk and making a stir fry. But the point is...
0:35:08 > 0:35:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:14 > 0:35:15It's nice having a girlfriend.
0:35:15 > 0:35:19When you've got a girlfriend, you can be more honest sexually.
0:35:19 > 0:35:22For example, I don't like handjobs.
0:35:25 > 0:35:29There it is. Drink it in. Don't... Wrong.
0:35:29 > 0:35:33I think a handjob is sort of like when somebody takes a picture
0:35:33 > 0:35:37on your camera, but they don't know the buttons.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41Quite excited at the front.
0:35:41 > 0:35:45Big smile on your face, this is going to be amazing. Here we go.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49Starts to take a while, doesn't it?
0:35:55 > 0:35:57Doesn't know what she's doing. Eventually, you just go,
0:35:57 > 0:36:00"Oh, give it here, I'll do it myself."
0:36:01 > 0:36:04Although, lads, if you take a picture with your left hand,
0:36:04 > 0:36:07it'll look like someone else took it.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11So I embarrass myself all the time.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14I was recently travelling down to London to do a gig.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17I was on the train. I'd had a few glasses of red wine.
0:36:17 > 0:36:21I need to go to the toilet. You remember in the olden days,
0:36:21 > 0:36:24the train doors used to be a metal door
0:36:24 > 0:36:27on a metal hinge, and that worked.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31And then somebody built a new train.
0:36:31 > 0:36:33They took a long, hard look at the train door,
0:36:33 > 0:36:38and they thought to themself, "There's not enough jeopardy here."
0:36:40 > 0:36:44And they installed the plastic slidey door with the electric lock
0:36:44 > 0:36:46that doesn't work.
0:36:46 > 0:36:51I walk up to the toilet door, I press the "door open" button.
0:36:51 > 0:36:53Door swings open, there was a lady there.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58And to use the French, she was doing a massive shit.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03I know what you're thinking. How did I know it was a twosie?
0:37:03 > 0:37:06Obviously, when a man pees, he stands up, when a man poos, he sits down.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08But with women...
0:37:08 > 0:37:11There is a whole air of mystery around the whole...
0:37:11 > 0:37:14The reason I knew she was doing a number two was,
0:37:14 > 0:37:16as the door swung open, she went to tell me to get out,
0:37:16 > 0:37:19but because she was mid-movement, it honestly came out as,
0:37:19 > 0:37:21STRAINED: "Get out!"
0:37:21 > 0:37:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:37:29 > 0:37:31I didn't know if she was talking to me
0:37:31 > 0:37:33or giving it a final push, right.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36She's sat on the toilet, but as we all know,
0:37:36 > 0:37:38the "door shut" button's miles away.
0:37:38 > 0:37:42She's stretching out trying... Jedi mind tricks or something.
0:37:42 > 0:37:46I'm thinking, "Now is not the time for a high-five."
0:37:49 > 0:37:51But as we all know, I'm a gentleman.
0:37:51 > 0:37:54You know. I'm gregarious.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56I'm convivial.
0:37:56 > 0:38:00I've recently bought a thesaurus. There's many things about me.
0:38:04 > 0:38:09What I tried to do was, I tried to lean into the toilet
0:38:09 > 0:38:12and hit the "door shut" button.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14But because of the high-tension situation
0:38:14 > 0:38:16and cos I'd had a few drinks,
0:38:16 > 0:38:20I slightly overestimated my step into the toilet.
0:38:21 > 0:38:23Hit the "door shut" button,
0:38:23 > 0:38:29then watched in horror as the plastic door just slid shut behind me.
0:38:36 > 0:38:40I'm now trapped on the train to London in a toilet with
0:38:40 > 0:38:43a woman who can only be described as "the victim".
0:38:48 > 0:38:50There's loads of options here.
0:38:50 > 0:38:52I can apologise, I can make a joke.
0:38:52 > 0:38:55For some reason, my brain went, "Play it cool."
0:38:57 > 0:38:59I was like, leaning back, like...
0:38:59 > 0:39:02HE MUMBLES PLEASANTLY
0:39:05 > 0:39:08All I could think to say was, "You might want to be careful, love.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10"You can meet some proper weirdos in London."
0:39:18 > 0:39:21I tend to embarrass myself after I've had a drink.
0:39:21 > 0:39:23And you get that thing, drunken brain.
0:39:23 > 0:39:24You all know drunken brain?
0:39:24 > 0:39:27It's when you think of something you probably shouldn't say,
0:39:27 > 0:39:31and then your drunken brain goes, "Naw, mate, that is too funny."
0:39:32 > 0:39:35I was at a gig in Newcastle recently. It was £5 to get in.
0:39:35 > 0:39:37The guy down the front was absolutely hammered.
0:39:37 > 0:39:41It looked like somebody had shaved a bear, put it in a suit and got it drunk.
0:39:42 > 0:39:45He was absolutely nutted, but it was £5 to get into this gig,
0:39:45 > 0:39:47so I thought, "I'll bring him in, get him involved."
0:39:47 > 0:39:51So I went, "All right, mate, what would you do for £5?"
0:39:51 > 0:39:53Like a friendly bet or dare.
0:39:53 > 0:39:56Without even blinking, this guy goes, "Punch a horse."
0:40:02 > 0:40:04We all do it when we're drunk,
0:40:04 > 0:40:06we've all got that evil part in our brain.
0:40:06 > 0:40:08That evil voice you sometimes get...
0:40:08 > 0:40:11You know when you're on a train platform?
0:40:11 > 0:40:14And there's a guy stood in front of you on the edge of the platform.
0:40:17 > 0:40:21And a part of your brain goes, "I reckon you could push him."
0:40:23 > 0:40:25The worst thing I have done with drunken brain was,
0:40:25 > 0:40:28I was in London, my mate had got a new girlfriend
0:40:28 > 0:40:31and she was really posh, you know, like royal posh,
0:40:31 > 0:40:32really bloody posh..
0:40:33 > 0:40:35Sounds like she can't breathe in.
0:40:39 > 0:40:43She's so bloody posh. She had those...
0:40:45 > 0:40:48..posh people teeth, you know what I mean?
0:40:52 > 0:40:54The ones that are slightly too big for her mouth.
0:40:54 > 0:40:57I mean, hey, she's kicking that look, and fair play to her.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00But what happened was, me and my mates, right,
0:41:00 > 0:41:02we're cooking a bit of dinner,
0:41:02 > 0:41:04a few glasses of red wine, we get a bit drunk.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06My mate decides to ask for relationship advice.
0:41:06 > 0:41:08He turns to me, bleary-eyed, he's like,
0:41:08 > 0:41:12"Iain, mate, I think I love this woman.
0:41:12 > 0:41:17"I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman.
0:41:17 > 0:41:20"What can I make her for dinner?"
0:41:21 > 0:41:25Drunkenly, I went, "Well, mate, whatever you make her for dinner,
0:41:25 > 0:41:29"just remember when you're feeding her to keep your hand flat."
0:41:34 > 0:41:35She will have your fingers!
0:41:37 > 0:41:38It gets worse than that.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41We're on a double date, our girlfriends are coming round.
0:41:41 > 0:41:43His girlfriend gets there first, walks into the room,
0:41:43 > 0:41:46there's an awkward tension. I'm trying not to laugh.
0:41:46 > 0:41:50You know when you try to not laugh so hard, you start coughing?
0:41:50 > 0:41:53She starts talking about posh people things like skiing
0:41:53 > 0:41:54and paying your taxes and that.
0:41:56 > 0:41:58And then I just think, "This can't get any worse."
0:41:58 > 0:42:01Then I panicked because it's cold in London town.
0:42:01 > 0:42:03She walks out of the cold, takes off her coat and goes...
0:42:03 > 0:42:07WHINNIES
0:42:07 > 0:42:09I explode with laughter. I don't think it can get any worse.
0:42:09 > 0:42:12A Geordie bloke walks in, he punches her in the face...
0:42:14 > 0:42:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:42:20 > 0:42:23So I gave him the 5 quid.
0:42:23 > 0:42:27It was lucky I had my Auntie Pam's 24th birthday card on me.
0:42:29 > 0:42:31Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Iain Stirling.
0:42:31 > 0:42:33You've been an absolute pleasure. Good night. God bless.
0:42:33 > 0:42:35Thank you very much! Thank you!
0:42:35 > 0:42:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:37 > 0:42:40Ladies and gentlemen, Iain Stirling!
0:42:42 > 0:42:47Thank you very much for watching Good News. Good night, my friends.
0:43:06 > 0:43:08Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd