0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains strong language.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Hello! Thank you very much.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Hello, and welcome to Good News.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35With the Olympics just around the corner, we've done a show all about sport.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Here it is, I hope you enjoy it.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40First up, never interview someone on a trampoline.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Emma...
0:00:42 > 0:00:43Emma?
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Emma.
0:00:45 > 0:00:46Here's a tip -
0:00:46 > 0:00:49don't do a live broadcast outside a football stadium.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52It's been said for quite a while that it's going to take a long time
0:00:52 > 0:00:55for Rangers to get back to where they were.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59Mark Longhurst revealed what he shouts at the point of orgasm.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01In the back of the net!
0:01:01 > 0:01:04And finally, don't forget the main rule of telly -
0:01:04 > 0:01:07never broadcast live from a pub.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11There's a very different atmosphere here in this pub now
0:01:11 > 0:01:12than there was when we got here
0:01:12 > 0:01:14at eight o'clock this morning.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17It's a different crowd that are here now.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18It's filling up with football fans.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22When we got here this morning, it was full of Andy Murray fans.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Now, you're probably thinking, I imagine he stops there.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27You'd be wrong!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29He made it to the final this time last year,
0:01:29 > 0:01:33the same Australian Open final, when we were all here then,
0:01:33 > 0:01:36and we all have our fingers crossed for a different outcome this time.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38We've been told not to lose heart
0:01:38 > 0:01:41as some of the greatest tennis players of our time,
0:01:41 > 0:01:45among them Andre Agassi, didn't win his first few shots at a Grand Slam...
0:01:45 > 0:01:48it happened for him later in the day.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52# It's all right if you wanna come back to me... #
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Big news of the week,
0:01:53 > 0:01:55the new England manager was going to be Harry Redknapp.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58But instead, we've got this guy.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Roy Hodgson has officially been named as the new England manager.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05The big question, though, is what happened with Harry Redknapp,
0:02:05 > 0:02:07the choice of many fans, and footballers?
0:02:07 > 0:02:11When I saw it on the news last night, I screamed at the television.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15It's so gutting.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Everyone wanted Harry, and instead we've got Roy.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Fair to say the fans have not taken the news well.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23This is awful.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25That is just madness.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Roy Hodgson? Are they on crack?!
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Roy Hodgson looks set to be the next England manager.
0:02:31 > 0:02:38HE CRIES
0:02:42 > 0:02:45It was even worse on Twitter.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54My favourite anti-Hodgson tweet was this...
0:02:58 > 0:03:00In fairness, he's got a point!
0:03:10 > 0:03:13This was definitely the big sport story of the week.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Manchester City are the new champions,
0:03:15 > 0:03:16stealing the title at the 11th hour
0:03:16 > 0:03:19from under the noses of their United rivals.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Aguero! He's won it! Get in there!
0:03:23 > 0:03:26It was the most exciting end to a season ever, right, Lamb?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Yeah.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Did anyone see the way it was covered on Soccer Saturday?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34If only they'd get a little bit more excited.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Queens Park Rangers are level.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Traore's put the ball in the box, far post, it's a goal!
0:03:40 > 0:03:42He's scored!
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Oh, no!
0:03:44 > 0:03:48It's been said they've played the best football... Ahhhhhh!
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Goal! It's two-all.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53THEY ALL SHOUT INCREDULOUSLY
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- Incredible!- It's 3-2!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58It's in!
0:03:58 > 0:04:01They're all cuddling each other!
0:04:01 > 0:04:03They've got love bites and everything!
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Next up, there's been a study
0:04:06 > 0:04:08analysing the intelligence of footballers.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12If you thought footballers were a bit dippy, think again.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14A new study by researchers in Sweden
0:04:14 > 0:04:17has found they're often more intelligent than the rest of us.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Apparently, footballers are more intelligent than us.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24I'm not so sure. Some of them can get a big tongue-tied.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25With Joey Barton,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27you know that... You know what to expect.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29He's going to come strong in the tackle
0:04:29 > 0:04:30and he's going to come in your face,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33and you have to be ready before the match.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34LAUGHTER
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I'm not sure he'd go that far!
0:04:39 > 0:04:43One thing I will say - there is one person in football who is a genius.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46I'm not talking Wayne Rooney or Steven Gerrard.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49I'm talking this man - Bristolian legend, Ian Holloway.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51I could listen to him talk for hours.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Most football managers are like,
0:04:52 > 0:04:56"At the end of the day, it's a game of two halves, blah, blah, blah."
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Not Holloway.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Look what he said when Blackpool got promoted to the Premier League.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11My all-time Holloway quote, though, has to be this belter.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Here he is describing Cristiano Ronaldo.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24There's more. There is more!
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Boom!
0:05:31 > 0:05:34The big news in sport was definitely this.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Chelsea have been crowned European champions in Munich.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Chelsea won the Champions League for the first time ever.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43So, how did the fans celebrate? Some sang.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45# Championes, champione!
0:05:45 > 0:05:48# Ole, ole, ole! #
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Others got a bit carried away.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58You don't want to see the rest of that clip.
0:05:58 > 0:06:03You think that's weird? This was definitely the strangest reaction.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05THEY CHEER
0:06:19 > 0:06:23"We won! Yeah! Let's shag the dog!" "What?!
0:06:23 > 0:06:24"Why are we shagging..."
0:06:24 > 0:06:27"I don't know!"
0:06:27 > 0:06:28It gets weirder.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Did you see what the fans were throwing at the players
0:06:31 > 0:06:32during the victory parade?
0:06:32 > 0:06:36You'll see on the ground, and a lot of it in the air as well.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Lots of celery flying.
0:06:39 > 0:06:44Celery? Who celebrates by throwing vegetables?!
0:06:44 > 0:06:46"I can't believe we won. Pass me that broccoli.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49"It's the best day of my life.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52"Is that a radish? Go on, Drogba, there you go."
0:06:52 > 0:06:54So, why were they throwing celery?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Well, it's all to do with this beautiful ballad
0:06:56 > 0:06:58the Chelsea fans sing.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Well, that is not how to get your five a day.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Also, there's people watching this show that have never had sex.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Don't ever do that!
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Wonder if there's someone watching at home going...
0:07:22 > 0:07:23HE GASPS
0:07:26 > 0:07:28How did he know?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30After they got rid of the celery,
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Frank Lampard paid tribute to the fans.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35It was the most amazing night of all of our careers,
0:07:35 > 0:07:37and we're so pleased to come here and celebrate with our fans.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Drogba... He did an impression of a car stuck in traffic.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- Beep-beep!- Hooray!
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- Beep-beep! - Hooray!
0:07:45 > 0:07:47- Beep-beep!- Hooray!
0:07:47 > 0:07:49No idea!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52My favourite player was definitely David Luiz.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Fair to say when he did this interview on Italian TV,
0:07:55 > 0:07:57he'd had a few drinks.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00IN ENGLISH:
0:08:12 > 0:08:13HE SPEAKS ITALIAN
0:08:17 > 0:08:19He was still hammered the next day.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40# I'm so wankered
0:08:40 > 0:08:43# I don't know my own name. #
0:08:43 > 0:08:45- # Yeah, yeah - Get down with the trumpets
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- # Yeah, yeah- Let's get down with the trumpets... #
0:08:47 > 0:08:51So, back in Britain, the countdown to the Olympics has finally begun,
0:08:51 > 0:08:53with the unveiling of the Olympic clock.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54WOMAN COUNTS DOWN
0:08:54 > 0:08:56If it wasn't real before, it is now.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59While we've been on air, the London Olympics
0:08:59 > 0:09:03unveiled their countdown clock for 2012.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Pretty exciting! 2012, here we come.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Remember last night we showed you
0:09:08 > 0:09:11the start of the London Olympic countdown clock?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Well, today it stopped!
0:09:15 > 0:09:20It's so classically British - it broke after one day!
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I bet there were people there going, "It's broke!"
0:09:22 > 0:09:24"Have you tried turning it off and on again?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29"Take the batteries out and rub it on your jumper.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30"I got it, right.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33"Try drinking some water... Ah, that's hiccups."
0:09:35 > 0:09:37We are so hopeless, aren't we?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39To be honest, it's little wonder the clock stopped
0:09:39 > 0:09:41when you consider this man's in charge!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Mind you, Boris has got other things on his mind,
0:09:46 > 0:09:48like this newsreader's ass.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52..Alice Bhandhukravi, who's there for us with some guests.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53LAUGHTER
0:09:53 > 0:09:55He's been on spectacular form.
0:09:55 > 0:10:00Listen to what he reckons builders rubbed on the Olympic velodrome.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Rhubarb. It is rubbed with rhubarb. It is lovingly rubbed with rhubarb.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07The whole of the exterior of this building is rubbed with rhubarb.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11And therefore, this fantastic velodrome creates jobs and employment
0:10:11 > 0:10:13for English rhubarb growers.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18We rubbed the roof with rhubarb!
0:10:18 > 0:10:20That's not all, Britain!
0:10:20 > 0:10:23The bikes are made from aubergines, and I am 80% broccoli!
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Look at the sports he wants to introduce.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28The pankration,
0:10:28 > 0:10:32whose chief exponent was Milo of Croton,
0:10:32 > 0:10:33whose signature performance
0:10:33 > 0:10:37involved carrying an ox the length of the stadium,
0:10:37 > 0:10:40killing it with his bare hands and then eating it all on the same day.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43Bad news for babies.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Babies will be banned from this year's London Olympics
0:10:46 > 0:10:48unless they have their own ticket.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52That's right! Babies have been banned from the Olympics!
0:10:52 > 0:10:55A lot of people are outraged, but come on!
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Babies don't belong there.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Imagine the noise inside the stadium,
0:10:58 > 0:11:01They do not react well to unusual sounds.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03BABY GRIZZLES
0:11:03 > 0:11:08MAN: Brr-rr-rr-rr-rr-rr!
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Just leave them at home!
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Put them in the bouncer and slam on some Johnny Cash!
0:11:16 > 0:11:19MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:19 > 0:11:22LAUGHTER
0:11:22 > 0:11:24In fact, that's how me and my brother
0:11:24 > 0:11:26are going to watch the Olympics.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:28 > 0:11:31LAUGHTER
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Some bizarre kid stories knocking around.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40First of all, have you seen this?
0:11:40 > 0:11:44A one-and-a-half-year-old baby signs a contract with a soccer club
0:11:44 > 0:11:46after becoming a YouTube sensation.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50His talent caught the attention of a Dutch football club VVV-Venlo,
0:11:50 > 0:11:52who made him an attractive deal
0:11:52 > 0:11:55and signed the tot to a ten-year contract.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59A one-year-old professional footballer!
0:12:01 > 0:12:04It's great. Take a look at his contract.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11He's got exactly the same handwriting as Rooney!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Done!
0:12:13 > 0:12:15You're probably thinking, I doubt he's that good.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17He is! Check this out.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20MATCH OF THE DAY THEME PLAYS
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Wow! How cool is that?
0:12:37 > 0:12:43That is...without doubt, the coolest way to tidy up ever.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46"Get rid of the toys." "Done 'em, Mum, over there."
0:12:48 > 0:12:50He's incredible! He can do that.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53When I was his age, I just looked like a worm.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58"Kick the ball, Russell."
0:12:58 > 0:12:59"I can't!
0:12:59 > 0:13:02"I can't even make my eyes point in the same direction!"
0:13:04 > 0:13:07This has to be the weirdest animal story in the news.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Have you seen this sport?
0:13:09 > 0:13:12It's a sport with no refs and no real rules,
0:13:12 > 0:13:15just a pair of pants, a high pain tolerance and a ferret.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Three, two, one.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Drop that weasel!
0:13:21 > 0:13:23It's called ferret legging.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26I call it fucking madness!
0:13:27 > 0:13:29"Anyone fancy a game of footy?"
0:13:29 > 0:13:31"No, I'm going to put a weasel on my dick."
0:13:33 > 0:13:34Imagine them coming home.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36"How did you get on at the ferret legging?"
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- HIGH-PITCHED:- "Really well! I won!
0:13:39 > 0:13:42"Although in many ways, I lost!"
0:13:43 > 0:13:45In case there's someone out there
0:13:45 > 0:13:48who wants to take part in this lunacy, check out the rules.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59..Oh, yeah, and no underwear allowed.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01No underwear?!
0:14:01 > 0:14:02Ain't nobody got time for that!
0:14:05 > 0:14:08# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... #
0:14:08 > 0:14:11The big sporting story of the weekend was the Grand National.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13He's a half-length in front.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Neptune Collonges...
0:14:15 > 0:14:19One of the closest races in Grand National history.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Neptune Collonges wins by a nose.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23It was an incredible finish, but it wasn't a patch on this.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Born To Sea...
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Oh, he put in a bad stride, he lost balance.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30LAUGHTER
0:14:30 > 0:14:33That is one photo finish you don't ever want to see.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Although he did win by a length.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Did you see the interview with the guy who trained the winning horse?
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Probably the best horse we've run in the race.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Class form in placing Gold Cup, stays genuine.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48What a letdown!
0:14:48 > 0:14:52That's not how you celebrate winning a horse race. This is.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Congratulations.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- Thanks very much.- It's fantastic!
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Jeez, it's unreal, I can't believe it. I can't believe it.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01I'll have fucking sex tonight and everything!
0:15:01 > 0:15:03LAUGHTER
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Yes, you will.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09You lovely, horny little leprechaun.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Have you seen the moment the jockeys arrived?
0:15:11 > 0:15:15The jockeys are waiting to make their way down the steps
0:15:15 > 0:15:16through the crowd and into the paddock.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20I can't believe nobody was tempted to play this music when they came out.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23# Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-doo
0:15:23 > 0:15:26I've got a perfect puzzle for you... #
0:15:26 > 0:15:29It's great fun, you can even do it with the horses.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34MUSIC: "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Here's a sport you don't see in the newspaper every day...
0:15:38 > 0:15:41It's the Rabbit Grand National!
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Before you get excited, that's rabbits as in, "Ah..."
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- Not rabbits as in... - HE MAKES VIBRATING NOISE
0:15:47 > 0:15:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:48 > 0:15:51That's a very different kind of event.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55"I'm winning, I'm winning!"
0:15:55 > 0:15:57LAUGHTER
0:15:57 > 0:16:01This is genuinely a story about the Rabbit Grand National.
0:16:01 > 0:16:02Do you want to meet the woman
0:16:02 > 0:16:04that trains the fastest rabbits in England?
0:16:04 > 0:16:10'Maureen keeps international athletes in her garden shed.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12'She's the UK's leading rabbit jumping trainer.
0:16:12 > 0:16:17'Novice Roger the Belgian hare is having his first training session in Maureen's indoor arena...'
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Wow!
0:16:20 > 0:16:22She's got an indoor arena!
0:16:22 > 0:16:24'..AKA, the hall.'
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Mind you, I bet Roger's amazing.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31'It's looking good, till the post arrives.'
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Forget about Roger, he's a fucking joker!
0:16:36 > 0:16:38This next guy is the real deal.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41'Smudge is her prize champion.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43'Look at that hopping action!
0:16:44 > 0:16:48'Wait for it...wait for it, go on...
0:16:48 > 0:16:49'It's thrilling.'
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Damn right, it's thrilling -
0:16:51 > 0:16:54it's the most incredible thing I've ever seen(!)
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Nobody will out-jump Smudge, he's a legend!
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Let's, let's, let's...
0:16:59 > 0:17:04let's look at the pitiful dickheads taking the mighty Smudge on.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Fuck it, he'll make a lovely pair of slippers.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Now for the part of the show called The People's Podium.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22We've asked the audience to bring interesting questions for me to try and answer.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Let's meet our first speaker on The People's Podium.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Big round of applause.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:30 > 0:17:31What's your question?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Olympic Torch bearer, I've been chosen to be one.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36- Have you?- Yeah.- Sweet.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37In the newspaper a couple of days ago,
0:17:37 > 0:17:41I saw an article saying that those missiles they've put down on the council flats,
0:17:41 > 0:17:45they're heat sensors, so there was a picture on there,
0:17:45 > 0:17:48with an Olympic Torch bearer and a missile following him.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50I need a word of confidence to help me out.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52You're in real trouble!
0:17:52 > 0:17:54So, they're heat-seeking missiles,
0:17:54 > 0:17:57and you have to run past them...
0:17:57 > 0:17:59with a fire.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01LAUGHTER
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- I've been trying to work on my speed!- Yeah!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- LAUGHTER - What we should do...
0:18:07 > 0:18:09We should get someone like, I don't know, Jeremy Kyle,
0:18:09 > 0:18:14to run in front of you with a flame, just to take the hit - wouldn't that be nice?!
0:18:14 > 0:18:17When you feel it coming, duck, take it, and run!
0:18:17 > 0:18:20But in fairness, the explosion would kill you too.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22LAUGHTER
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Hello! Bounding onto the stage, fantastic.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29- What's your name?- Mike. - Mike. What's your question? - I don't know if you saw,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32but last week the Horse Badminton Trials was cancelled.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34I didn't!
0:18:34 > 0:18:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:41 > 0:18:44# All around me are familiar... #
0:18:44 > 0:18:48I didn't even know horses could play badminton!
0:18:50 > 0:18:53So, the horse badminton was cancelled.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55If you could watch any animal play any sport, what would it be?
0:18:55 > 0:18:59It would absolutely be a sport I've invented this week,
0:18:59 > 0:19:02called Throw The Dog At People You Hate.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04LAUGHTER
0:19:06 > 0:19:10- What's your name?- TJ. - Good name! What's your question?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13How would you get the England team motivated?
0:19:13 > 0:19:17How would I get the England team motivated? Simply put their wives in cages.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19And...
0:19:19 > 0:19:22threaten to release John Terry within the cage...
0:19:23 > 0:19:25..unless they play well.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:28 > 0:19:30How about you?
0:19:30 > 0:19:33I was thinking, Jubilee, get the Queen in a tracksuit, get her in training.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Get the Queen in a tracksuit?!
0:19:35 > 0:19:38That's your plan to get the England team playing well(?)
0:19:38 > 0:19:42- And do what with her? - Have a kick-about, a warm-up.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46You haven't thought this through, have you?
0:19:46 > 0:19:50How would we get the Queen of this country in a tracksuit?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- She must have some in her wardrobe.- Really?
0:19:53 > 0:19:57- AS THE QUEEN: - "The Kappa today, I believe.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59"Philip, look at me, I'm going slag."
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- LAUGHTER - I doubt that's going to happen!
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- Hey, mate.- Hey.- What's your name? - My name is Reggie.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- Reggie.- Yeah.- Sweet. What's your question?
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Sepp Blatter wants to get rid of penalties completely,
0:20:12 > 0:20:17so what would be a better way of deciding matches
0:20:17 > 0:20:20without penalties at all?
0:20:20 > 0:20:21- Best way?- Yeah.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24It absolutely has to be a thumb war!
0:20:24 > 0:20:25LAUGHTER A thumb war?
0:20:25 > 0:20:31- You can't beat me in a thumb war, never.- Oh, step to me!
0:20:31 > 0:20:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- Do you want to have a thumb war?- OK.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41You're definitely going to beat me. Ready?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43BOTH: One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war!
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Oh, yeah, oh, oh!
0:20:45 > 0:20:49AUDIENCE SHOUTS AND CHEERS
0:20:55 > 0:20:59- What's your name, my friend? - Phil.- What's your question?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Do you think darts should be an Olympic sport?
0:21:02 > 0:21:06- Absolutely. In fact, darts players should be forced to wear Lycra! - LAUGHTER
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Wouldn't that be better?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Press the red button to see them get in and out of the Lycra.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14- Would you like to see it as an Olympic sport?- Yeah. Why not?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16The only problem is,
0:21:16 > 0:21:20when they win a medal, could they get up those steps?
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Wouldn't that be wonderful to see somebody get a gold medal on a Stannah chairlift?!
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Sit down, my friend. Thank you very much.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:28 > 0:21:33If you have anything you want to ask me on the show, get in touch.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42It could be a mystery guest who's been in the news,
0:21:42 > 0:21:44and I have to figure out who that person is.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Please welcome my mystery guest!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- Hello.- Hello.- I'm Russell, nice to meet you. What's your name?
0:21:59 > 0:22:04- Connie Adam.- Sweet. I have to guess... So, there's a sword here.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Are you a fencer?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07- Yes.- Good.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09LAUGHTER
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- Kabaddi.- Yes! - Do you play kabaddi?- I do!
0:22:11 > 0:22:15- No clues.- Wow! How deep is YOUR voice, from nowhere?!
0:22:15 > 0:22:17And I'm not Mexican.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26But I have been to Mexico.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Clearly!
0:22:29 > 0:22:33I kind of like fencing teenagers, especially university students.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Why is that?
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Because they think, "There's an old dear who's not going to move,"
0:22:38 > 0:22:39and you stand there and hit them!
0:22:39 > 0:22:42LAUGHTER
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Can you give me any other clues?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- I'll just have to reveal myself. - Right!
0:22:47 > 0:22:50AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:22:50 > 0:22:54- I know who you are! You're Peter Shilton!- That's right.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:56 > 0:22:57Hello, mate. Nice to meet you.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Let's get it off.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:03 > 0:23:05I don't like that dress anyway.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Well, I think we can all figure out what will happen.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15I'm getting beaten up again.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Can you show me what you do?
0:23:18 > 0:23:22Quality, let's show you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:22 > 0:23:24DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Nice!
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Ooh!
0:23:38 > 0:23:40You sexy little bastard!
0:23:43 > 0:23:47Oh, oh! Oh, if I was a woman, I'd bang you right now.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52This is literally my friend Karl's absolute fantasy in the room.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Can he come on and just face you?
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Quickly, Karl, you'll love this. This is your dream.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Quickly, just before we go.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Just run at him, he'll love it.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07LAUGHTER
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Go on, Karl!
0:24:11 > 0:24:12Yeah!
0:24:12 > 0:24:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:18 > 0:24:22He's going to try to kick it so hard that Karl's hair grows back.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26Clapping the hands! To show we've got no weapons!
0:24:26 > 0:24:29The lucky thing is, if I shit myself, I'm wearing a nappy.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Take a step forward and hit me.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34I don't want to, it feels wrong!
0:24:34 > 0:24:36You've never had a pair like this in your life!
0:24:36 > 0:24:40LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Does anyone want to come out and play with them?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUT
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Let's kabaddi it up!
0:24:48 > 0:24:51They're holding hands, let's hold hands together.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Are you ready?
0:24:53 > 0:24:58LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:25:02 > 0:25:03Yes!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- I've got to equalise, haven't I? - You do.- You know the game, Shilts.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16- Ooh! Unbelievable save! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Unbelievable!
0:25:21 > 0:25:23You'll be all right!
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Stop it!
0:25:26 > 0:25:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Oh, stop it, you naughty boy!
0:25:30 > 0:25:34I want to put you in a big Radox tub,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37- treat you right, that's all I want to do!- I'm liking that too!
0:25:37 > 0:25:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:40 > 0:25:41INDISTINCT SPEECH
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Why do you always have to fight?
0:25:47 > 0:25:50I can't get down there, I've got false knees! LAUGHTER
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Somebody get me a cigarette!
0:25:54 > 0:25:55That was nice, though.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00You left me there for longer than you had to, didn't you?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- Well, you're such a nice boy.- Yeah!
0:26:03 > 0:26:06LAUGHTER
0:26:06 > 0:26:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Can I do a thing I've always wanted to do?
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Yes, go on.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19# Near, far... #
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!
0:26:23 > 0:26:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Thank you very much.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Ladies and gentlemen, Peter Shilton!
0:26:29 > 0:26:33- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - And my friend, Steve Williams!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35And Karl Minns!
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Hope you enjoyed that, and enjoy the Olympics.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43LAUGHTER
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Ladies and gentlemen, it is Saturday night which means
0:26:49 > 0:26:50it's time for my stand-up guest
0:26:50 > 0:26:53so please welcome to the stage the wonderful Jarlath Regan.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Hello. Hello.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05Yeah. I think we should start with a little bit of unsolicited relationship advice.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Fellas, I learned recently that if your lady ever squints
0:27:09 > 0:27:14and smiles at the end of a sentence, that sentence ceases to be true.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18The opposite is now the case. You might be familiar with these sentences.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20They sound a bit like this. "Yes, you should go down to the pub,
0:27:20 > 0:27:24"watch the football with the lads for the day. Have a little day for yourself down there.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27"I will watch television by myself here because I love doing that."
0:27:27 > 0:27:29LAUGHTER
0:27:29 > 0:27:32That sentence is stricken from the record and we move forward.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Here is one for anyone, any relationship at all.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39If somebody you know comes up to you and says, "I have got big news",
0:27:39 > 0:27:42you should always put down the bag of crisps.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Because crisps are the worst food to eat
0:27:46 > 0:27:49if you are attempting to look like you're taking a story seriously.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52It is physically impossible. You can try. You can be like...
0:27:52 > 0:27:54LAUGHTER
0:27:57 > 0:27:59LAUGHTER
0:28:03 > 0:28:05LAUGHTER
0:28:11 > 0:28:14It simply can't be done. This is a vital piece of advice, fellas.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16You need to listen up for this one.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19If your lady ever asks you to apply fake tan all over her body,
0:28:19 > 0:28:23you need to be aware that that may not be a positive experience.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26You think it is going to be amazing.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29The reality is that it is more like painting a house for an old lady.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32It is the stress that is involved trying to get the coats even.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Trying not to miss a bit, trying to stay under budget. It's crazy.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Some of the shit that gets shouted at you in this situation,
0:28:38 > 0:28:40where she is going, "Get the middle, get the middle.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42"I can feel you're leaving streaks.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Sometimes she'd turn around, grab me by the throat and say,
0:28:44 > 0:28:47"Are you trying to make me look like a fucking eejit?"
0:28:47 > 0:28:50You feel like going, "No, I am just trying to get out of here by five o'clock.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52"I'll be honest with you."
0:28:52 > 0:28:55The first time she asks you to do it and she gets angry,
0:28:55 > 0:28:57you think to yourself, everybody gets angry every now and then.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00Give her a pass. The second time it happens you think to yourself,
0:29:00 > 0:29:03I probably did do a shit job, let's face it.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05I probably focussed on certain areas more than others.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07The third time she asks you to do it
0:29:07 > 0:29:10and she gets pissed off with you, you think, no, this is bullshit.
0:29:10 > 0:29:12I have been practising on my legs. This is nonsense.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15That was the night I went to my local comedy club, got on stage,
0:29:15 > 0:29:17and issued the warning just like I have tonight,
0:29:17 > 0:29:21if a woman ever asks you to apply fake tan all over her body it may not be a positive experience.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24A man seated exactly where you are stood up and went,
0:29:24 > 0:29:26"Fucking right it's not.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29"Trying to explain three brown fingers to your friends."
0:29:29 > 0:29:32Which is disgusting, yes, but true.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35LAUGHTER
0:29:35 > 0:29:38Before I started doing this for a living
0:29:38 > 0:29:43I used to work as the IT helpdesk for my parents.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46Oh, some other people in this role. It is not a job that you apply for.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49You do not see an ad go up on the fridge or anything,
0:29:49 > 0:29:52it's just your parents think you're waiting by the phone with the headset on
0:29:52 > 0:29:56ready to deal with whatever queries they have about anything plugged in the house.
0:29:56 > 0:30:00Usually the videocassette recorder in my parents' case. They're never getting a DVD player.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03Always the video. These calls come at any hour of the day or night.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05A 45-minute phone call about the videocassette recorder.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08Just so we're clear I'm not being mean about my parents here,
0:30:08 > 0:30:11I'll give you the abridged version of what I would be dealing with on my end of
0:30:11 > 0:30:14the phone when my father would ring about the videocassette recorder.
0:30:14 > 0:30:18This is a short version to give you a brief synopsis of what would
0:30:18 > 0:30:19happen in one of these calls.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27LAUGHTER
0:30:30 > 0:30:32Sure. Sure. Yes.
0:30:34 > 0:30:40OK. You have said that a few different ways. All right. Great. OK.
0:30:40 > 0:30:42All right, Dad, what you want to do for me now
0:30:42 > 0:30:44is check that it's turned on.
0:30:44 > 0:30:45LAUGHTER
0:30:45 > 0:30:47I am not being like anything.
0:30:47 > 0:30:48I'm not being like anything.
0:30:48 > 0:30:52I'm just saying that that has happened in the past.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54OK, cool. Cool. If it's turned on
0:30:54 > 0:30:59All you've got to do is press zero. Zero, on the TV remote control.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03It's the smaller of the two.
0:31:03 > 0:31:04LAUGHTER
0:31:04 > 0:31:07There's not a lot in it. There's not a lot in it,
0:31:07 > 0:31:10but it is definitely the smaller of the two remote controls. Zero.
0:31:10 > 0:31:12I am not shouting. I am not shouting.
0:31:12 > 0:31:14LAUGHTER
0:31:14 > 0:31:16It is underneath the number eight.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19I don't know why they put it there.
0:31:19 > 0:31:23That is the tip of the iceberg, pal. I realised, you need to know this,
0:31:23 > 0:31:26I realised in one beautiful moment we have no right to get
0:31:26 > 0:31:30angry at our parents when they ask us questions about modern technology.
0:31:30 > 0:31:31They come from a different era, folks.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34They come from a time when alcohol was believed
0:31:34 > 0:31:37to be a cure for most common ailments.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39Including alcoholism.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42There is technology in this room that would frighten a lot of your parents.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44There's wireless internet in here.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46They have no hope of ever understanding that.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49Lights, four-legged chairs, all this shit, they're never going to fully get it
0:31:49 > 0:31:52and I realised this in one beautiful moment.
0:31:52 > 0:31:54It was the moment my father sent me
0:31:54 > 0:31:57the first photo message he had ever sent in his entire life.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00He had never sent a text before, so when my phone buzzed
0:32:00 > 0:32:04and it said, "Photo message from Dad," my first reaction was,
0:32:04 > 0:32:09"Oh, shit. My dad's phone has been stolen because there is no way..."
0:32:09 > 0:32:12There WAS a way. What he had sent me was the most beautiful photo message
0:32:12 > 0:32:14that has ever been sent in the history of the world.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17What he'd sent me was a photo of a whiteboard
0:32:17 > 0:32:19with some writing on it that read,
0:32:19 > 0:32:22"Haven't quite figured out how to text on this phone just yet."
0:32:22 > 0:32:24LAUGHTER
0:32:24 > 0:32:27There's a baby boom on in Ireland. A massive baby boom,
0:32:27 > 0:32:30which makes no sense to me because nobody has any money.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32I think the reason why it's happening is
0:32:32 > 0:32:35people misunderstood what the economists meant when they said,
0:32:35 > 0:32:38"It won't be us that pays back this bailout, it'll be our kids."
0:32:38 > 0:32:42My friends are so thick they thought to themselves, "I better get two of those little fuckers."
0:32:42 > 0:32:47I, uh... I think my favourite part of doing this job
0:32:47 > 0:32:49is trying out new material
0:32:49 > 0:32:53and I always think it's polite to ask the audience about it before I do it.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55I always say, "Who'd like to hear the new jokes?"
0:32:55 > 0:32:58And most people go, "Yeah," so I take out a slip of paper.
0:32:58 > 0:33:01One night I do this, a woman seated where you are goes,
0:33:01 > 0:33:04"For fuck's sake," and I was like, "What's wrong?"
0:33:04 > 0:33:07She goes, "Piece of paper," and I was like, "They're new jokes."
0:33:07 > 0:33:11She goes, "Yeah - I know, I know. I just don't agree with it."
0:33:11 > 0:33:13I was like, "What don't you agree with?"
0:33:13 > 0:33:14She goes - this is true - this girl, she goes,
0:33:14 > 0:33:20"You should have practised your jokes before you got here in front of a mirror at home."
0:33:20 > 0:33:22Now, that is not how it works, OK?
0:33:22 > 0:33:25And I was, like, trying to explain to her,
0:33:25 > 0:33:28this activity is quite like sex in many ways.
0:33:28 > 0:33:33You could stay at home and practice in front of the mirror all you like,
0:33:33 > 0:33:36but you will never get an accurate reflection
0:33:36 > 0:33:40of whether you are any good at the thing until you're in the live setting.
0:33:40 > 0:33:44I didn't do the action on the night, I just added that now for the TV people at home.
0:33:44 > 0:33:48But she was like, "I disagree. I disagree completely," and gets up to walk out.
0:33:48 > 0:33:51At this point, the man next to her pulls her back into her seat.
0:33:51 > 0:33:55I was like, "Who's this fella?" Turns out he's a first date.
0:33:55 > 0:34:00LAUGHTER Yes. I believe that made this into a magical situation
0:34:00 > 0:34:02because everybody in that room, just like everybody in this room,
0:34:02 > 0:34:05fully understood at that moment the extent of the misery that man
0:34:05 > 0:34:08was about to invite upon himself by pursuing this relationship.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10This shit got all out of hand. She starts shouting at him.
0:34:10 > 0:34:14I was like, "Well, what do you do for a living?" She goes, "I save lives for a living."
0:34:14 > 0:34:17I was like, "What are you, a superhero or something?"
0:34:17 > 0:34:21She was like, "No, I'm a nurse." Now, I have the height of respect for nurses. Who doesn't?
0:34:21 > 0:34:26But "save lives for a living" is not the job description.
0:34:26 > 0:34:30That is a by-product of what you do. That would be like a baker putting up his hand and going,
0:34:30 > 0:34:33"My job is to prevent world hunger for a living."
0:34:33 > 0:34:36That is not your job - that's a by-product of what you do.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39So she gets all out of hand and she begins a shouting match,
0:34:39 > 0:34:42I do get this story out of it that I start telling around and about.
0:34:42 > 0:34:46It's like a ten-minute story about what she said to me and how it went back and forth.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49I'm working out this story in a comedy club -
0:34:49 > 0:34:51and this'll tell you how small Dublin is -
0:34:51 > 0:34:55There's a kerfuffle five minutes in in the corner of the room.
0:34:55 > 0:35:00She is at the gig with three of her nurse friends
0:35:00 > 0:35:04and they're like, "It's her, it's her," and she's sitting there all proud as punch,
0:35:04 > 0:35:08and I'm like, "Oh, shit. Oh, shit - I'm telling the story," and then I was like,
0:35:08 > 0:35:11no, hang on - most of the time when you get heckled,
0:35:11 > 0:35:14the heckler disappears and you never see them again.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17Rarely do they reappear
0:35:17 > 0:35:20when you are armed with a story of their insanity.
0:35:20 > 0:35:27And I was like, "This... This is fantastic," because this is the juicy part -
0:35:27 > 0:35:30a month previous when I'd been working out the joke,
0:35:30 > 0:35:34a guy came up to me after a show and said,
0:35:34 > 0:35:35"Do you know who I am?"
0:35:35 > 0:35:38Which is a scary thing to be asked at the best of times.
0:35:38 > 0:35:41He goes, "Do you know who I am?" I was like, "No, are you baker?"
0:35:41 > 0:35:44He was like, "No. I was the first date."
0:35:44 > 0:35:47I was like, "No way. How crazy was that girl?"
0:35:47 > 0:35:51Which was a brave thing to ask because they could have still been in the relationship,
0:35:51 > 0:35:55and I've never been so relieved to hear a man go, "Fucking mental, boy!"
0:35:55 > 0:35:58I was like, "What happened? What happened?"
0:35:58 > 0:36:00He goes, "Well, this is what happened, right.
0:36:00 > 0:36:04"After the gig she's still banging on about how you shouldn't have had the paper on stage.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06"We go downstairs down to the taxi rank outside.
0:36:06 > 0:36:10"She goes, 'Are we heading home now?' I said, 'You get in that taxi, I'll get in this taxi.
0:36:10 > 0:36:12"I'm going to have an early night, got work in the morning.'
0:36:12 > 0:36:17"She disappears into the distance and I head back into the pub for the four pints that I'm entitled to."
0:36:17 > 0:36:19Which is true - if you are on a crazy date with a crazy lady,
0:36:19 > 0:36:21you are entitled to four pints to drown your sorrows.
0:36:21 > 0:36:26He says, "I go back into the pub, I have the four pints. Take out my phone after half an hour -
0:36:26 > 0:36:29"85 missed calls."
0:36:29 > 0:36:32Yeah, that's properly crazy by anyone's definition.
0:36:32 > 0:36:37That means she hit 55 and thought to herself, "I'll give him 30 more."
0:36:37 > 0:36:40So here she is, back at this gig.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42I'm armed with my story of her insanity.
0:36:42 > 0:36:46I'm like, "How are you doing? I think I know somebody you know."
0:36:46 > 0:36:48"Oh, yeah? Who's that?" "Do you know Paul McNally?"
0:36:48 > 0:36:52And you know when somebody blushes and they just go a little bit pink,
0:36:52 > 0:36:54but you know when they blush so much
0:36:54 > 0:36:57that you can feel the heat from their face?
0:36:57 > 0:36:59That's what happened here.
0:36:59 > 0:37:01I could see the sweat coming off her,
0:37:01 > 0:37:05and I suddenly became aware that I was a bully in this situation.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07I'll tell you honestly, I'm not ashamed to admit it,
0:37:07 > 0:37:10I wussed out completely, I didn't say it to her.
0:37:10 > 0:37:14I just completely went, "OK, well have a great night."
0:37:14 > 0:37:17And I regret it so much.
0:37:17 > 0:37:18You've no idea how much I regret it.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20I'll tell you why, because afterwards
0:37:20 > 0:37:23her three friends came up to me and said, "That was mad,
0:37:23 > 0:37:25"She was at that gig, and she was at this gig.
0:37:25 > 0:37:26"It's a small world, it's mental!
0:37:26 > 0:37:28"Do you know what the maddest part was?
0:37:28 > 0:37:30"When you went on stage, she didn't recognise you,
0:37:30 > 0:37:33"so when you put out your slip of paper she said to us,
0:37:33 > 0:37:36"I fucking hate when they have a slip of paper!"
0:37:36 > 0:37:38She learned nothing!
0:37:38 > 0:37:40She learned nothing, and the next day
0:37:40 > 0:37:42she has the gall to ask to be my friend on Facebook.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44LAUGHTER
0:37:44 > 0:37:46That is never happening.
0:37:46 > 0:37:48There are two buttons on Facebook - "confirm" and "not now".
0:37:48 > 0:37:51There needs to be a third one - "fuck off and die".
0:37:51 > 0:37:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:37:53 > 0:37:54Thanks.
0:38:00 > 0:38:03There's only one other person I've ever rejected.
0:38:03 > 0:38:07It was a baldy Dublin taxi driver, who was so openly racist
0:38:07 > 0:38:11that on his profile he listed his hobbies
0:38:11 > 0:38:14as "anti-immigration policy."
0:38:14 > 0:38:15How is that a hobby?
0:38:15 > 0:38:18Like, what is he doing on Sunday afternoons?
0:38:18 > 0:38:21Penning legislation that he hopes to see come into law.
0:38:21 > 0:38:22His favourite quote was,
0:38:22 > 0:38:26"If you can't pronounce his name, don't trust him."
0:38:26 > 0:38:27LAUGHTER
0:38:27 > 0:38:30Just flat-out racism, right?
0:38:30 > 0:38:35I think I come here as an ambassador, as well as a stand-up comic.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38Like I said, Ireland's in a bit of a situation,
0:38:38 > 0:38:42I encourage you to visit the country,
0:38:42 > 0:38:45cos we really need you to visit the country right now.
0:38:45 > 0:38:47But I will say that there is every chance you will encounter
0:38:47 > 0:38:49one of these racist taxi drivers, OK?
0:38:49 > 0:38:51So you just need to be prepared
0:38:51 > 0:38:54that they may start a conversation with you in a taxi
0:38:54 > 0:38:57where they will begin the conversation with this sentence
0:38:57 > 0:39:00"Did you hear what the foreigners are up to now?"
0:39:00 > 0:39:02LAUGHTER
0:39:02 > 0:39:04Which is a great opening conversation starter.
0:39:04 > 0:39:07But you will learn that that means, "Once upon a time..."
0:39:07 > 0:39:10Because what's about to follow is a racist fairytale
0:39:10 > 0:39:15that he has concocted from whatever crazy phone-in shows he listens to.
0:39:15 > 0:39:18This is word of God, one taxi driver started a conversation with me
0:39:18 > 0:39:22with that sentence, saying, "Did you hear what the foreigners are up to now?
0:39:22 > 0:39:25"They're breaking into the apartments that they can't sell
0:39:25 > 0:39:27"and changing the locks for themselves.
0:39:27 > 0:39:31"They can't get them out of those apartments and now they own them.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33"50% of those black lads you see out there
0:39:33 > 0:39:35"are living in apartments they don't actually own,
0:39:35 > 0:39:37"they've claimed them for themselves using a crowbar."
0:39:37 > 0:39:39What do you usually do in that situation?
0:39:39 > 0:39:42You look in the mirror and go...
0:39:42 > 0:39:44"Yeah, I heard about that, that was dreadful."
0:39:44 > 0:39:46I don't think it's good enough.
0:39:46 > 0:39:51I think we have a moral obligation to give them a more racist,
0:39:51 > 0:39:54more fantastical fairytale of our own, in the hope
0:39:54 > 0:39:57that they will hear it and go, "That sounds like bullshit to me,"
0:39:57 > 0:39:59and you go, "Exactly."
0:39:59 > 0:40:01So this is the fairytale I've concocted,
0:40:01 > 0:40:04you're free to have it when you're in Dublin, you can use this.
0:40:04 > 0:40:07Here it is, let him finish his story, you go, "That's bleeding nothing,
0:40:07 > 0:40:09"do you know what I heard the foreigners are up to now?
0:40:09 > 0:40:13"They're going down to the rivers, lakes and canals of this country
0:40:13 > 0:40:16"and they are plucking the feathers off the swans."
0:40:16 > 0:40:17LAUGHTER
0:40:17 > 0:40:21"They then go home with the feathers and paste them all over themselves.
0:40:21 > 0:40:25"They then go back down to the rivers, lakes and canals
0:40:25 > 0:40:28"and they get in and start posing as swans.
0:40:28 > 0:40:30"All elegant and shit, laugh all you like, it's happening.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32"This is the bit that makes me sick
0:40:32 > 0:40:35"50% of those swans you see in that canal are not swans,
0:40:35 > 0:40:38"they're black fellas dressed up as swans.
0:40:38 > 0:40:41"And the innocent people of Ireland are throwing them bread!
0:40:41 > 0:40:44"And you know what the foreigners are doing with that bread?
0:40:44 > 0:40:46"They're not eating it.
0:40:46 > 0:40:49"They're fucking gathering it up and selling it back to us in Lidl,
0:40:49 > 0:40:50"that's what they're doing."
0:40:50 > 0:40:53That's my gift to you, that is my gift to you.
0:40:53 > 0:40:57I will say, I've only had the guts to say that story once to a taxi driver.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00I had several pints on board, I don't know if he did, as well,
0:41:00 > 0:41:03but I swear to God, he looked back at me in the mirror and went,
0:41:03 > 0:41:06"I'd well fucking believe it, I'd well believe it."
0:41:06 > 0:41:09Thank you very much, everybody, I hope you had a great night.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:41:12 > 0:41:15Ladies and gentlemen, Jarlath Regan!
0:41:17 > 0:41:20Thank you, very much, for watching Good News.
0:41:20 > 0:41:23Have a fantastic weekend, good night.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:41:27 > 0:41:30Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd