0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:09 > 0:00:15This programme contains adult humour
0:00:22 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Hello!
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Thank you.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Hello! Thank you.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42That was very nice. Hello, welcome to the new series of Good News.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44So what's been happening?
0:00:44 > 0:00:47On Look North, Leanne Brown revealed a sinister hobby.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Some people collect stamps. I make bombs.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57Over on Newsnight,
0:00:57 > 0:01:00they interviewed a guy with the most terrifying stare ever.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04There are a few politicians out there who have been fanning the flames of this.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Susanna Reid revealed what you need to bring to her orgies.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12A saucepan, a wooden spoon and some painkillers.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Now, I'm no expert,
0:01:15 > 0:01:20but I'm pretty sure this baby hates being interviewed.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Before we toss it back, we've got to go to Drew, the farm kid.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24How you doing there, pally?
0:01:24 > 0:01:28He can't say anything right now, but you know what he's saying right now?
0:01:28 > 0:01:31E=mc2.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34And finally, here's a tip.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36If you're going to go on telly,
0:01:36 > 0:01:38don't stand in front of a sign like this.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41D'Andre Finnie's next court appearance...
0:01:41 > 0:01:44LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:01:44 > 0:01:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:50 > 0:01:54So what's been happening? Well, I couldn't keep my eyes off this.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are said to be very angry
0:01:56 > 0:01:58that a French magazine has published...
0:01:58 > 0:02:01..pictures showing Kate sunbathing topless.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05- Topless.- Topless.- Topless.- Topless. - Topless.- Topless.- An amazing pair!
0:02:09 > 0:02:13Everyone reacted in exactly the same way. "This is appalling!
0:02:13 > 0:02:15"It's an invasion of their privacy!
0:02:16 > 0:02:19"I'll just have a quick look."
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Come on, everyone looked! I mean, this guy loved it!
0:02:25 > 0:02:27People keep saying, "They're shocking photos!
0:02:27 > 0:02:30"They're so shocking!" That's not a shocking photo!
0:02:30 > 0:02:33I've got one of my brother teabagging a cat.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Don't worry, I'm not going to show you the photo.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38But I can show you the cat afterwards.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:45 > 0:02:49What made me laugh, the day after the topless photos were printed,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Kate and Wills visited the Solomon Isles.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Did you see who greeted them?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Is it me, or were these ladies taking the piss?
0:02:58 > 0:03:02"We've also done a tribute for Prince Harry. Show them, Rodrigo!"
0:03:02 > 0:03:04"Wa-a-a-a-ay!"
0:03:04 > 0:03:08God bless Harry. He wins my award for Royal Nudist of the Summer.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Everyone's seen his naked Vegas photos,
0:03:10 > 0:03:12but I've managed to get hold of a video.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:38 > 0:03:41The best thing - check out the getaway driver!
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- POSH ACCENT:- "Go, go, go, go, go!"
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Talking of tits, Nick Clegg was back in the news.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53A contrite Nick Clegg has appealed to voters to forgive him
0:03:53 > 0:03:56for breaking his promise not to raise tuition fees.
0:03:56 > 0:04:01We made a pledge, we didn't stick to it, and for that I am sorry.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03And how did the public react?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05They took the piss.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07# I'm sorry, I'm sorry
0:04:07 > 0:04:09# I'm so, so sorry
0:04:09 > 0:04:11# There's no easy way to say
0:04:11 > 0:04:13# I'm sorry... #
0:04:13 > 0:04:17It's so catchy, isn't it? "Oh, you didn't make me a cup of tea."
0:04:17 > 0:04:20# I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so... #
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Not the dance, that's weird.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Did the apology work? Not really.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28I mean, look what this guy wants to do to the Lib Dems.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Every single Lib Dem should be dragged out onto the street
0:04:31 > 0:04:36and stripped naked and pecked to death by pigeon-chickens
0:04:36 > 0:04:40that have got no feet cos they've been burnt off by their own shit!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Whoa!
0:04:45 > 0:04:48I've been angry, I've never invented an animal.
0:04:48 > 0:04:53"I hate you so much! Release the hippo-mice!"
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Poor old Cleggie. He's had a tough week.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Not even his supporters like him.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01And these people were big, they were bold.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04They, they, you know, they might, even in modern terms,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07they might have been quite ruthless, cos they swept aside
0:05:07 > 0:05:08a lot of objections,
0:05:08 > 0:05:12but they created the infrastructure for a modern society.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14We have to rewire the United Kingdom,
0:05:14 > 0:05:19both naturally for the digital age, but also in the wider sense.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Not a fan.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Now, the big technology news of the week was this.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27'Apple fans have been queuing to get their hands on the iPhone 5.'
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Did you see the queues? It's like a nerdy conga!
0:05:32 > 0:05:35"What do we want?" "More pixels."
0:05:36 > 0:05:39"What else do we want?" "Friends?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45"Just a friend to call!"
0:05:45 > 0:05:47So how's it gone down? Well, some people loved it.
0:05:47 > 0:05:52iPhone 5 is the most amazing, best Apple product ever!
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Not everyone agreed.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56iPhone 5 is a fuckin' piece of shit.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00Apparently he was so angry he was going to release a monkey-badger.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Now...
0:06:04 > 0:06:06..I've heard there's loads wrong with this iPhone.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08I just hope they fix Auto Correct, don't you?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11We've all been burnt by Auto Correct.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Have a look at this poor girl. This actually happened on her phone.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Luckily, there's help on hand.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34And this was the reply that broke the family.
0:06:39 > 0:06:45U-U-U-URGH! NO-O-O-O!
0:06:47 > 0:06:53# I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm so, so sorry. #
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Over in the US, have you seen the latest way
0:06:59 > 0:07:01they're trying to stop drink driving?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03'Talking urinals have been introduced in the US
0:07:03 > 0:07:06'to encourage men not to drink and drive.'
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Talking toilets?!
0:07:09 > 0:07:13"I was going to get shitfaced, but the toilet fairy said no!"
0:07:13 > 0:07:18It gets weirder! For some reason, they only have female voices!
0:07:18 > 0:07:20FEMALE VOICE:
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- SLURRED:- "Why don't you do yourself a favour
0:07:29 > 0:07:31"and drink my piss, you moany bitch?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35"Eh?! You don't know me!"
0:07:36 > 0:07:39How weird would that phone call be?
0:07:39 > 0:07:44"Hello? You need to pick me up! Why? Cos the toilet told me!
0:07:46 > 0:07:49"Yeah, the toilet says I'm a danger to society!"
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Not that the toilet is always polite. Check this out.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56It's brilliant.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59'Check out the most risque track on this potty playlist.'
0:07:59 > 0:08:01'Don't drive drunk.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04'If you do and you get arrested, the next urinal you pee in
0:08:04 > 0:08:07'will be in jail, with a hairy guy named Bubba standing behind
0:08:07 > 0:08:09'asking you to pick up the soap and be his bitch.'
0:08:09 > 0:08:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:19 > 0:08:22How full-on is that?! What if you weren't even drinking?!
0:08:22 > 0:08:24You're just having a wee and the toilet's like,
0:08:24 > 0:08:30"You're going to get raped!" "Eh?! I'm just drinking J20!"
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Apparently - this is even weirder -
0:08:32 > 0:08:34they're going to have male voices in the ladies.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Never going to work, you just know somebody in the factory
0:08:38 > 0:08:39will programme it to say this.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43Giggity!
0:08:43 > 0:08:46You know they're doing that. It's the first thing you do.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Mind you, that has got nothing
0:08:52 > 0:08:55on the way they're trying to stop people drinking in Finland.
0:08:55 > 0:09:00What you're about to see might just be the creepiest and most terrifying
0:09:00 > 0:09:03public service announcement anywhere in the world right now.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Holy shit!
0:09:29 > 0:09:31How scary is that?!
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Can you imagine what your face would look like
0:09:34 > 0:09:36if you saw that more than once?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Everyone knows who they are... LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:09:38 > 0:09:42It's so ridiculous. I've seen my dad drunk many times.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46Not once has he ever turned into a fucking rabbit.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50"All right, son?" "Dad!"
0:09:50 > 0:09:53My mate's a dad. When he's pissed, he doesn't become a monster.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54He looks like this.
0:09:57 > 0:10:02Have you seen how they're trying to stop people talking in cinemas?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07'My name is Catherine Small and I am a cinema ninja.'
0:10:07 > 0:10:09'The role of a cinema ninja'
0:10:09 > 0:10:12is to basically help the cinema
0:10:12 > 0:10:15stop any naughty behaviour in the cinema.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20So let me get it straight. They're trying to keep noise down
0:10:20 > 0:10:23by creeping up to people in the dark?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26"Excuse me..." "FUCKING HELL!
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- "What you doing?!" - HE WAILS
0:10:29 > 0:10:32HE GIBBERS
0:10:34 > 0:10:37"I've shat myself, you pervert!"
0:10:40 > 0:10:43HE GIBBERS
0:10:43 > 0:10:46HE WHINES
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Mind you -
0:10:51 > 0:10:54pre-warning, this is my silliest joke ever, but I fucking love it -
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I'd love to see their war cry.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01SINGS PEARL AND DEAN THEME MUSIC
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Shh.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12The silliest joke. That's the silliest joke you'll ever see.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Now, staying in the world of cinema, this story's amazing.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17A man in a theatre in downtown Sparks
0:11:17 > 0:11:21accidentally shoots himself in the buttocks while watching a movie.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26As you do. Now, was the film stopped?
0:11:26 > 0:11:27Was he screaming in agony?
0:11:27 > 0:11:28Oh, no.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Witnesses say the subject then stood up,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34apologised to the crowd and took himself to the VA hospital.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36He apologised!
0:11:36 > 0:11:40"I'm terribly sorry, I appear to have fired a gun into my rectum.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43"I've literally put a cap in my ass.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46"Enjoy the film.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48"I'm in real trouble!"
0:11:48 > 0:11:51I love the fact he drove himself to the hospital.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54He's just fired a shot there. Imagine the poor nurses.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Imagine trying to keep a straight face
0:11:56 > 0:11:58when he tells you what happened.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01"You did what? Did you? Shot in the...in the bum, yeah?
0:12:04 > 0:12:08"..I've just got to take some files over here.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11"Mary? You see that man over there?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14"That man's got two arseholes."
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Over in Russia, a cartoon is in hot water.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Russia's TV stations are considering
0:12:28 > 0:12:31banning some of the nation's best-loved children's cartoons.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Why? Are they too violent? Are they racist?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Some argue that Russia's equivalent of Tom and Jerry,
0:12:38 > 0:12:40called Nu, Pogodi!,
0:12:40 > 0:12:42is harmful to children.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45That's because the wolf chasing the hare is a smoker.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49They're banning cartoons cos the wolf's having a fag?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Like there's five-year-olds, "Why am I smoking?
0:12:51 > 0:12:52"I seen a wolf do it."
0:12:54 > 0:12:55It's ridiculous. Kids aren't stupid.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58I was a huge fan of Transformers when I was little.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00I never had a chat with a lorry.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02"All right, Optimus?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05"Someone's quiet today!"
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Just my mum, "Oh, God, Russell's talking to the lorry again."
0:13:08 > 0:13:10"Shhh! Mum's onto us, Optimus.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13"I'll see you later, my friend."
0:13:14 > 0:13:17I never stroked a lorry, I should point out!
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Mind you, it isn't just smoking that's upsetting people.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Cheburashka and his friend Gena the crocodile
0:13:23 > 0:13:24have also come under fire
0:13:24 > 0:13:29from conservative groups for having homoerotic overtones.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32What indeed. They're annoyed that a wolf and a crocodile
0:13:32 > 0:13:34might have a gay relationship.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Christ, if they think that's homoerotic,
0:13:37 > 0:13:39they should watch Big Cook, Little Cook.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Be careful, Ben!
0:13:41 > 0:13:42Ohhh!
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Oh, no!
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Don't worry, Ben. I'll just lick it up!
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Mmmm. HE LAUGHS
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Now, what I want to know...
0:14:00 > 0:14:02HE LAUGHS
0:14:05 > 0:14:06LAUGHTER
0:14:06 > 0:14:09It's the joy, isn't it? It's the joy. What I want to know,
0:14:09 > 0:14:13why would a wolf have a gay relationship with a crocodile?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Think about it. It'd be the scariest blow job ever!
0:14:16 > 0:14:21"I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow you till your eyes pop."
0:14:27 > 0:14:28It's so stupid.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32I mean, what do these bigots want this cartoon to look like? This?
0:14:32 > 0:14:33'Hello, Mr Wolf!
0:14:33 > 0:14:36'Mr Wolf has stopped smoking,
0:14:36 > 0:14:38'which means he can get more air into his lungs.'
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- HE INHALES DEEPLY - Ahhh!
0:14:41 > 0:14:43'Which gives him more energy for gay-bashing!
0:14:45 > 0:14:46'Go on, Mr Wolf!'
0:14:52 > 0:14:55APPLAUSE
0:14:55 > 0:15:00From Russia to Holland, a fantastic story about revenge.
0:15:16 > 0:15:21He made his room so girly, he turned his brother into a horse.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22Nee!
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Nee!
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Nee!
0:15:30 > 0:15:32NEIGHS EXAGGERATEDLY
0:15:32 > 0:15:36I've been angry before - I've never gone full pony!
0:15:36 > 0:15:38"I can't believe you've done this!"
0:15:38 > 0:15:41"Oh, look, I've got glitter in my hooves!"
0:15:43 > 0:15:45BLOWS LIKE A HORSE
0:15:45 > 0:15:48I love this next bit. I could watch it for hours.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Listen to the pity in his voice.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00No, your big brother is a legend.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Now, some people are saying it's the meanest prank ever.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06I don't know. I think this is worse.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14Just like that.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- Where's the log at? - It's right by your feet.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I just throw it?
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Ohhh!
0:16:34 > 0:16:36APPLAUSE
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Over in Australia, if you think your working conditions are strict,
0:16:44 > 0:16:46check this out.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50A large catering company servicing private schools and nursing homes
0:16:50 > 0:16:52has made an unprecedented threat against its workers.
0:16:52 > 0:16:57It will dock their pay more than 1,000 dollars if they burn toast.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00A grand if they burn toast?!
0:17:00 > 0:17:02I tell you, if I worked there, I'd make it like this.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09How harsh is that?! 1,000 dollars if you burn toast.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Can you imagine how tense that canteen's going to be?
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Hello. Can I have some toast, please?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18MUSIC: "O Fortuna" by Carl Orff
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Nooo!
0:17:35 > 0:17:37GUN CLICKS
0:17:37 > 0:17:38GUNSHOT
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Mind you, there are worse punishments
0:17:43 > 0:17:44if you're a bad cook.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Be careful, Ben!
0:17:46 > 0:17:47Ohhh!
0:17:52 > 0:17:54This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58There's a mystery guest who's been in the news. I have to figure out who that is.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00So, please welcome my mystery guest.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Hello, mate.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- Hello.- Hi, all right?- Hiya, man. I'm good, how are you? Are you well?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15- Yeah, not too bad, yourself? - I like your vest.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19LAUGHTER It's a bit scary, eh?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22It is a bit scary, but you should have come fully dressed.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25I thought about it, but it's meant to be giving you a clue.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27- What, you've got your pythons out? - Nah.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31- A little like drainpipes, eh? - They look lovely. Erm, OK,
0:18:31 > 0:18:34so it's presumably got something to do with shaving.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38- Yeah, yeah.- Are you the world's fastest hairdresser?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- Not hairdresser, no. - Not hairdressing. You don't do vajazzles, do you?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43LAUGHTER
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Any other clues? I'm going to need more clues.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I work with a vibrator in my hand all day long.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING
0:18:51 > 0:18:55- I couldn't do it without it. - You couldn't do your job without holding a vibrator?
0:18:55 > 0:18:59- Serious job. Serious job. - Do you know, imagine trying to do a comedy show on telly, and there's...
0:18:59 > 0:19:01MIMICS VIBRATING NOISE
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Unless you gave it a little mouth,
0:19:04 > 0:19:06you'd have the most erotic ventriloquist act ever.
0:19:06 > 0:19:11"How are you?" "I'll tell you how he is, dirty bastard!
0:19:11 > 0:19:14"Oh, the stories we could tell!" "Not now, Barry!"
0:19:14 > 0:19:16LAUGHTER
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- Do you put it on someone's head? - Well, not someone's head, no.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23- Not someone's. - No. It's not human related.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24It's not human related.
0:19:24 > 0:19:29- This is sounding dodgy now. It's just got worse.- Sounding dodgy now.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33It sounded fairly dodgy when you said, "I work with a vibrator in my hand."
0:19:33 > 0:19:36OK, so, it's something to do with animals,
0:19:36 > 0:19:39you hold a vibrator in your hand, and...
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Um, are you on a register?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44No. LAUGHTER
0:19:44 > 0:19:46So, why exactly are you in the news?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48I was English sheep shearing champion,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51and I can shear them in just about 26 seconds.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55You can shear a sheep in 26 seconds?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- That's worth a round of applause. - APPLAUSE
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- That's one of the few animals you're allowed to shave and it's not weird. - LAUGHTER
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Thank God for that. So how did you get into that?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Well, I bought my first sheep when I was, oh, about 16,
0:20:11 > 0:20:14and I was too tight to pay someone to shear him, so...
0:20:14 > 0:20:18- Do you know, I bought a Game Boy when I was 16. - LAUGHTER
0:20:18 > 0:20:21So, are we going to do any shearing? Have we got any sheep back there?
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Hopefully we're going to give you a bit of a crash course in shearing a sheep.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27- See how good or bad you are.- Sweet.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- We've actually got sheep back there? - Yeah.- So, hang on,
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- sheep have been watching this show backstage?- Yeah.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36"Very good, actually, I'm quite enjoying this."
0:20:36 > 0:20:38"Isn't his eye wonky?"
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- Awesome. What are they called? What are we dealing with?- Frank.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Frank. Just Frank?
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- You'll get pretty intimate with Frank.- Will I?
0:20:46 > 0:20:47LAUGHTER
0:20:47 > 0:20:51- OK.- Shall we watch a quick clip, and see how we get on?- Right.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53# Who would've thought that you and me
0:20:53 > 0:20:54# In it together, one up on me
0:20:54 > 0:20:57# Oh!
0:20:57 > 0:21:02# That's not to say
0:21:02 > 0:21:06# We're doing it your way
0:21:06 > 0:21:09# Tiger blood. #
0:21:09 > 0:21:10SHEEP BLEATS
0:21:10 > 0:21:13APPLAUSE
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Hello!
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Oh, you feel like my bed covers.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20LAUGHTER
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- I think he likes you, eh? - He's a lovely fella.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Right, we turn Frank up. RUSSELL GASPS
0:21:27 > 0:21:30It feels... He's got a massive bellybutton. It's weird.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- That's not his bellybutton. - Is that his dick?- Yeah.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:40 > 0:21:43In which case, he's got a tiny dick.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Just give it a go. If I show you the first little bit, and then you can have a go.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- Yeah, you do it, yeah. - You'll have to have a go.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Yeah, you say that, but...
0:21:52 > 0:21:56We did all the tricky parts earlier, so you didn't cut his knob off, or anything.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57Yeah.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- That was the main part. - You'd struggle with that. Jesus.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Um, right.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06SHEARS BUZZ
0:22:06 > 0:22:11- We take his belly off, first. - It's like the most weird striptease I've ever seen.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Oh, my God! Not his head! Not his head!
0:22:16 > 0:22:21As you're moving him round, you're getting him into the position where he always feels comfortable.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- Great(!)- We hope.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- SHEARS STOP - Right, I'll do... I'll do a little bit.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30APPLAUSE
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- Do you want me to hold him and you shear him?- Yeah.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35So, if you hold onto this.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37I'm a clumsy prick. I'm going to kill him.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39- LAUGHTER Are you ready?- I pull it down, do I?
0:22:39 > 0:22:43SHEARS BUZZ That's what it feels like in your hands.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Oh, God! I'm so sorry, Frank.
0:22:45 > 0:22:50Just guide it along his skin. That is designed to not cut him.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- Oh, God!- See? You've cut some!
0:22:53 > 0:22:58Oh, God! I feel so... I don't like it. I don't like it!
0:22:58 > 0:23:00You'll be all right.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02You're being a bit soft, eh?
0:23:02 > 0:23:04APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:23:04 > 0:23:06There, you finish him off.
0:23:06 > 0:23:11Hopefully Frank will sit still and we can finish.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Wahey! There you go!
0:23:17 > 0:23:18APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:23:20 > 0:23:23There you go, you can have a stroke of Frank, there.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24You look better now.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27But I preferred your afro.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the fastest shearer in England.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:23:34 > 0:23:38Cheers, mate. And, of course, Frank!
0:23:38 > 0:23:40CHEERING
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Big news in the world of art.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Have you seen the latest exhibit at the National Gallery?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Now, the artist who dressed up as a bear
0:23:50 > 0:23:53as part of his award-winning entry to the Turner prize five years ago
0:23:53 > 0:23:57has now set up a peepshow in the centre of the National Gallery.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Visitors are invited to spy through small holes, blinds and a keyhole
0:24:01 > 0:24:03at a naked woman in a bathroom.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Hmm!
0:24:04 > 0:24:09I wonder what Jon Snow thought of that? I bet he was bloody outraged.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Quite a small peephole, I thought.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13LAUGHTER
0:24:13 > 0:24:14Son of a bitch!
0:24:14 > 0:24:18Not my favourite art story this summer. That was definitely this.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21An elderly Spanish parishioner has shocked her local community
0:24:21 > 0:24:25by trying to restore a prized fresco of Jesus by herself.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Have a look at what she did.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31This is what the original painting looked like.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34This is how it has been left.
0:24:34 > 0:24:35- LAUGHTER - Have a look at it again!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Look at that.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41It looks like a Wookiee sex doll!
0:24:41 > 0:24:45See what she did to Mohammed? Me neither, I'm not an idiot!
0:24:45 > 0:24:47People are really upset. Did you hear?
0:24:47 > 0:24:50They're saying, "Jesus doesn't look like that."
0:24:50 > 0:24:53And you're like, "How do you know? Maybe he was a munter!"
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Wouldn't it be great if Jesus came back and said,
0:24:56 > 0:24:57"That looks exactly like me!"
0:24:57 > 0:24:59"It's exactly the same"
0:24:59 > 0:25:03"Nice work!"
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Come on, man. I've seen worse things happen to a face.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Be careful, Ben!
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Take a look at this story from Afghanistan.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15A British soldier in Afghanistan
0:25:15 > 0:25:18who apparently didn't know she was pregnant
0:25:18 > 0:25:20has given birth to a baby boy at Camp Bastion.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24She was pregnant in a war zone. How hard is she?
0:25:24 > 0:25:25I bet the baby came out like this.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28LAUGHTER
0:25:28 > 0:25:31"Look alive, assholes!"
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Mind you, pregnant women on the front line would be amazing.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37They wouldn't need weapons. Their hormones would be enough.
0:25:37 > 0:25:42"Oi! Taliban! Fuck o-o-off!"
0:25:42 > 0:25:45"Somebody give me a back rub, yeah!"
0:25:45 > 0:25:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:52 > 0:25:55This is wonderful. This is an inspirational story
0:25:55 > 0:25:57about a little boy and an amazing journey.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01Walking to school is an everyday event for most children.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03But for Evan Whitton,
0:26:03 > 0:26:04this is a turning point in his life.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06He has cerebral palsy
0:26:06 > 0:26:08and was unable to walk at all
0:26:08 > 0:26:11before an operation in America last year.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Today, for the first time, he's walking with his mum
0:26:14 > 0:26:17and the rest of his family to his school in Silsden.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20When we first got the OK to have the operation,
0:26:20 > 0:26:22it was just such a pipe dream.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24But it's come true, really.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28It's part of Evan's big journey and it's come true.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31The school is about half a mile from where Evan lives.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35The walk's tiring, so he takes a break and chats to mum Linda.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39- You up for the rest of the walk? - Er, yep.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Are you going to get there with a smile on your face?
0:26:42 > 0:26:43Thank you to all my family.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47It's the greatest experience I've had in my life.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48Ah, that's nice.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52I thought this experience was going to be really scary,
0:26:52 > 0:26:54but it turns out not.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- Well, that's good! - LINDA LAUGHS
0:26:57 > 0:26:59You are funny!
0:26:59 > 0:27:00- CHILDREN:- Evan! Evan! Evan!
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Almost an hour after leaving home,
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Evan's given a hero's welcome at Hothfield Juniors.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09CHEERING
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Today was the first time he'd ever walked to school,
0:27:12 > 0:27:15but he's determined it won't be the last.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Quality, isn't it? How lovely is that?
0:27:18 > 0:27:21APPLAUSE
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Next up is a very funny lady.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25She was brilliant at the Edinburgh Festival this year
0:27:25 > 0:27:27and is already a big star in her home country.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30So please welcome the wonderful Felicity Ward!
0:27:30 > 0:27:32APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:34 > 0:27:38- Hello, how are you going? Are you well? You good? AUDIENCE:- Yeah.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Yes? I thought I'd start with the first joke that I ever wrote.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44- Would you like to see the first joke I ever wrote?- Yeah!
0:27:44 > 0:27:47I'm going to show you anyway, so you may as well get excited about it.
0:27:47 > 0:27:48I wrote it a long time ago
0:27:48 > 0:27:50and I wrote it back when Russell Crowe used to smile,
0:27:50 > 0:27:54so I don't know if it'll still translate. All right, here we go.
0:27:54 > 0:27:55HUSKY VOICE: Sexy legs.
0:27:55 > 0:28:00GIRLY SQUEAKING
0:28:00 > 0:28:01There's more.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05HUSKY VOICE: Inbred sexy legs.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09That's the first joke I ever wrote!
0:28:10 > 0:28:14I was 11 when I wrote that but I was actually onto something
0:28:14 > 0:28:17because the amount of fingers that you use in something
0:28:17 > 0:28:19is directly proportionate to how unsexy it is.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Like you think about in advertising
0:28:21 > 0:28:25and they often have a woman sucking chocolate off a single finger.
0:28:25 > 0:28:26So one finger...
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Mm...
0:28:30 > 0:28:31A little bit sexy, eh?
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Five fingers.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Uurgh! It's not as sexy, is it? Aaah!
0:28:37 > 0:28:39"Try the new..."
0:28:39 > 0:28:40Aaaagh.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42"..Magnum Orgasma." Aaaagh!
0:28:42 > 0:28:43I'm saying it's hard to sell an ice cream
0:28:43 > 0:28:46with a chocolate covered fist in your mouth, that's all.
0:28:46 > 0:28:47So one finger - a little bit sexy.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49Five fingers - not sexy at all.
0:28:49 > 0:28:50Two fingers...
0:28:53 > 0:28:55..means something different, doesn't it?
0:28:55 > 0:28:58Um, I...
0:28:58 > 0:29:01Sadly my sister and her husband had an accident about 18 months ago
0:29:01 > 0:29:06and they've called her Maggie, which is adorable.
0:29:06 > 0:29:10So I have a niece now, which is lovely. But I have a theory on kids.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13I think kids are still at a good age if you can move them out the way
0:29:13 > 0:29:15by the head.
0:29:15 > 0:29:19No, you know, when you go, "Move over there. Move over there, please.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22"Sit down. Sit down or I'll push on the soft spot." So...
0:29:24 > 0:29:26I can't wait for my niece to be like three or four.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29You know when kids start having a tantrum
0:29:29 > 0:29:31and they get distracted halfway through?
0:29:31 > 0:29:36You know when they go... SOBS AND WHINGES
0:29:36 > 0:29:42WHINING ABATES
0:29:42 > 0:29:45WHINGES Then they've got to decide what's more important -
0:29:45 > 0:29:47the tantrum or the shiny thing. Tantrum or...
0:29:47 > 0:29:50WHINES AND WHINGES
0:29:54 > 0:29:57MUMBLES
0:29:57 > 0:30:00WHINGE ABATES
0:30:00 > 0:30:01ALMOST A WHISPER
0:30:06 > 0:30:07Ah, puppy. Aaaaaah!
0:30:07 > 0:30:09I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s,
0:30:09 > 0:30:13but I could just never lure them into my car.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18Oh, I'm joking. I'm joking. I don't have a licence. Um...
0:30:18 > 0:30:20Now, clearly I'm not from here.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23The reason I came over here a couple of months ago
0:30:23 > 0:30:25was for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival
0:30:25 > 0:30:28and, man, they call Paris the city of romance.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30They're wrong. I think it's Edinburgh.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33There are romances everywhere. Like even in the graffiti.
0:30:33 > 0:30:37Like every day on my way to work, just written on the pathway,
0:30:37 > 0:30:41apropos of nothing, it just had "Steven loves cock".
0:30:41 > 0:30:42And you just see...
0:30:42 > 0:30:47It is like having rose petals thrown at your face, isn't it?
0:30:47 > 0:30:49Just like stepping over a candlelit dinner.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52But what I love is, because the entire city is cobbled,
0:30:52 > 0:30:54while I'm there it's just like watching
0:30:54 > 0:30:56hundreds of drunken women in high heels
0:30:56 > 0:30:58just doing battle with the ground.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00Like in any other city, like in London,
0:31:00 > 0:31:03you know how you wear high heels and you catch a divot and you recover?
0:31:03 > 0:31:05You know how you do the...
0:31:05 > 0:31:06whoop?
0:31:06 > 0:31:09You know how you do that when you're walking along?
0:31:09 > 0:31:12You do the whoop and you make that noise - wu...uh.
0:31:12 > 0:31:14Edinburgh is just an entire city of divots.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17Just teenagers in their mothers' shoes going, "Hiya!"
0:31:22 > 0:31:24My favourite thing while I was there was on this guy -
0:31:24 > 0:31:27as wide as he was tall - and he just had this T-shirt
0:31:27 > 0:31:31that just said, "Sex, drugs and sausage rolls."
0:31:31 > 0:31:35And I thought, "You deserve all three of those, sir.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38"And none of them are coming from me."
0:31:38 > 0:31:40I stopped drinking alcohol a couple of years ago
0:31:40 > 0:31:43because I found out I'm allergic to it.
0:31:43 > 0:31:44What happens is I drink
0:31:44 > 0:31:48and then my skin just breaks out into acting like a fuckwit.
0:31:49 > 0:31:51Just head to toe in it, really.
0:31:51 > 0:31:53It's a lot of, "What do you mean, I can't piss here?"
0:31:53 > 0:31:54You know, the usual.
0:31:57 > 0:32:01Concrete, porcelain - what's the difference really?
0:32:01 > 0:32:04"Why isn't this flushing?" "It's a parking meter." "OK..."
0:32:07 > 0:32:11So because I don't drink any more, I had to take up a hobby.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13And the hobby that I've chosen
0:32:13 > 0:32:16is I started collecting puns in shop titles.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21Whatever, you've probably got "friends". So, um...
0:32:21 > 0:32:25I've got this big, long list but I've got two runners-up and a favourite.
0:32:25 > 0:32:27Right, the first runner-up is a pie shop.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29I found it while I was over here. This is years ago.
0:32:29 > 0:32:33Now, if you had a pie shop you could call it The Pie Hut,
0:32:33 > 0:32:36you could call it Pies R Us.
0:32:36 > 0:32:40But why would you bother if you could call it Pieminister?
0:32:40 > 0:32:42SQUEALS
0:32:43 > 0:32:45SQUEALS
0:32:47 > 0:32:49SQUEALS
0:32:49 > 0:32:51Pretty good. Pretty good but not the winner.
0:32:51 > 0:32:55There's another runner-up. There's a kebab shop called Abrakebabra!
0:33:00 > 0:33:02How is that not the winner?!
0:33:02 > 0:33:04It's not the winner. The winner, ladies and gentlemen,
0:33:04 > 0:33:06came in the form of a phone call.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09My friend knows that I do this and he called me up and he said,
0:33:09 > 0:33:11"Are you sitting down?"
0:33:11 > 0:33:13And I said, "What is it?" He said, "I've found it."
0:33:13 > 0:33:17I said, "What is it?" He said, "It's a halal store."
0:33:17 > 0:33:18I said, "What's it called?"
0:33:18 > 0:33:22He said, "It's called Halal, Is It Meat You're Looking For?"
0:33:29 > 0:33:33Lionel Ritchie and Islam together at last!
0:33:33 > 0:33:35# Halal, is it meat... # But what happens now
0:33:35 > 0:33:37is people know that I do this,
0:33:37 > 0:33:39so they sent one to me and I've got a new favourite.
0:33:39 > 0:33:43There is an Indian restaurant called Poppadom Preach!
0:33:48 > 0:33:51I recently had quite a significant birthday.
0:33:51 > 0:33:55Um, I just turned 21, thank you. And...
0:33:55 > 0:33:59No, I just turned 30 - two years ago and, um...
0:33:59 > 0:34:03I'm 31, I'm nearly 32. I'm dying is what I'm saying.
0:34:03 > 0:34:07I am gently dying every day and they can't tell me how long I've got.
0:34:07 > 0:34:10And, um, when you are hurtling towards the great nothingness,
0:34:10 > 0:34:12you start to prioritise, you know.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15The Bucket List and other Morgan Freeman films.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18And, um, so I started doing things I've never done before
0:34:18 > 0:34:20and I went to a beautician for the first time.
0:34:20 > 0:34:24They make me very nervous but the lady was very nice. I went in there
0:34:24 > 0:34:25and she was waxing my legs
0:34:25 > 0:34:28and in the middle of it she stood up and she said,
0:34:28 > 0:34:29"Just while I'm waxing your legs,
0:34:29 > 0:34:31"would you like me to wax your toes as well?"
0:34:38 > 0:34:39"Sorry? What?"
0:34:39 > 0:34:42"While I'm waxing your legs, would you like your toes waxed?"
0:34:42 > 0:34:44And I said, "No, thank you.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47"No! And would you like to know why?
0:34:47 > 0:34:50"Because I'm not a gibbon and I'm not a Hobbit, yeah!
0:34:50 > 0:34:52"So let's just stick to the arrangement - a half leg
0:34:52 > 0:34:55"and my arsehole is fine, thank you!"
0:34:57 > 0:34:58That's rude.
0:35:01 > 0:35:02All the dudes watching going...
0:35:05 > 0:35:07.."Do you think she's got a hairy arsehole?"
0:35:07 > 0:35:11"I don't know. She's got a lot of hair on her head.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13"She doesn't have a tache. I don't know."
0:35:13 > 0:35:16"Maybe it's very location specific."
0:35:16 > 0:35:17It's all part of the mystery!
0:35:19 > 0:35:24Does she have a hairy arsehole? Doesn't she have a hairy arsehole?
0:35:24 > 0:35:26There's only one way to find out!
0:35:28 > 0:35:30I'm going home alone is what I'm saying.
0:35:30 > 0:35:34I don't know if it's better to be in a relationship or to be single.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36When you're in a long-term relationship
0:35:36 > 0:35:37you get into routines, you know?
0:35:37 > 0:35:40You're like, "Er, he likes that." You like that.
0:35:40 > 0:35:42"He doesn't like that." And what happens is...
0:35:42 > 0:35:45I hated wearing gloves. And what happens is,
0:35:45 > 0:35:47when you become single, you have to find out
0:35:47 > 0:35:49all the answers to those questions again
0:35:49 > 0:35:52and sometimes there's only way to find that out and that's the sad,
0:35:52 > 0:35:56humiliating "why are you sticking a spoon in my arse" kind of way.
0:35:59 > 0:36:01Apparently not everyone is into that.
0:36:03 > 0:36:04Frigid. So I...
0:36:06 > 0:36:08For a while I really... I still want to be single
0:36:08 > 0:36:10when I'm 50 cos I want to turn into
0:36:10 > 0:36:13one of those revolting, old, lecherous women
0:36:13 > 0:36:16that crack on to younger men. You know those ones that go...
0:36:17 > 0:36:20.."Oh, yeah. Play the drums, do you?
0:36:22 > 0:36:25"Well, you can have a crack at these bongos. They sit a bit lower
0:36:25 > 0:36:28"than they used to but you can still get a good sound out of them. Ha-ha!
0:36:29 > 0:36:32"No, no, I can't eat chocolate, goes straight to my thighs.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34"Just like the men." "Aaagh!"
0:36:34 > 0:36:37"Don't talk with your mouth full, doll." "Aaagh."
0:36:37 > 0:36:40It's all right, it's mime, it hasn't happened yet.
0:36:40 > 0:36:41But there's still time.
0:36:41 > 0:36:43Um...
0:36:43 > 0:36:45I don't like cats. I know that's not controversial.
0:36:45 > 0:36:48I don't like cats - they're horrible, arrogant pricks.
0:36:48 > 0:36:49That's what they are.
0:36:49 > 0:36:52I'm sorry, if you own a cat you should know this already.
0:36:52 > 0:36:55If you don't own a cat, you have made the correct decision.
0:36:55 > 0:36:57If you own more than two cats, you are some plastic bags
0:36:57 > 0:37:00and a trolley away from being a proper cat lady - really!
0:37:00 > 0:37:04"Come on, Mr Bingles." "Meow!"
0:37:04 > 0:37:05This is my issue with cats -
0:37:05 > 0:37:08and I used to own one so I'm not speaking out of school here -
0:37:08 > 0:37:10you'll be eating dinner and they jump up on the table,
0:37:10 > 0:37:14the dinner table, and they're like, "Oh, sorry.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17"Are you eating dinner?
0:37:19 > 0:37:20"God, that is so rude of me.
0:37:22 > 0:37:23"Should I just, um...
0:37:27 > 0:37:29"Should I just, um...
0:37:31 > 0:37:33"Should I just, um...
0:37:34 > 0:37:38"..sit here and lick my vagina in front of you?"
0:37:38 > 0:37:42And they look you in the eye while they're doing it!
0:37:42 > 0:37:45"Ow. Ow. Ow. No, you can't move me off the table
0:37:45 > 0:37:48"with your hands if you're eating dinner. Ow. Ow. Ow."
0:37:54 > 0:37:56My mother is very proud of me.
0:38:06 > 0:38:08Lucky I'm wearing leggings tonight, eh?
0:38:08 > 0:38:10Be a very different show!
0:38:11 > 0:38:14One more suited to Bangkok
0:38:14 > 0:38:17than the UK, perhaps? I, um...
0:38:17 > 0:38:20I love dogs. I bloody love a poodle. I've got a poodle.
0:38:20 > 0:38:22If you're ever having a bad day,
0:38:22 > 0:38:25guaranteed way to cheer yourself up, right? First, you need a poodle.
0:38:25 > 0:38:27So if you don't have one, steal one. You can give it back.
0:38:27 > 0:38:29That's legal here, isn't it?
0:38:29 > 0:38:33So you steal a poodle, take it down to an open body of water.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35Come with me, it's OK.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38And then you pick it up and you walk towards the water
0:38:38 > 0:38:41as if you're going to go in and they start swimming in the air!
0:38:41 > 0:38:45It's the greatest thing you've ever seen!
0:38:45 > 0:38:47Just a tiny poodle in panic just going...
0:38:49 > 0:38:53You're going to love it. I love it so hard.
0:38:53 > 0:38:54I love dogs for so many reasons
0:38:54 > 0:38:58but the reason that I love dogs the most is that without a dog
0:38:58 > 0:38:59I'm just a lady in a park
0:38:59 > 0:39:02holding a plastic bag full of steaming shit, you know?
0:39:03 > 0:39:06With a dog, I'm environmentally responsible.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08Without a dog, I am mentally unstable.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11I cleaned up after myself!
0:39:16 > 0:39:18And put it in a bag.
0:39:21 > 0:39:22Just by a show of hands,
0:39:22 > 0:39:25has anyone here had a birthday in the last 12 months?
0:39:25 > 0:39:27- AUDIENCE:- Yeah!
0:39:27 > 0:39:29You know only half of you put your hands up?!
0:39:29 > 0:39:32That's a problem - you should see someone about that.
0:39:32 > 0:39:37But, um, we actually have a birthday song that we sing in our family.
0:39:39 > 0:39:40And I would like to sing it tonight.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43And I would like to ask whose birthday it is
0:39:43 > 0:39:44but I don't give a shit. So I'm just...
0:39:44 > 0:39:46I'm just going to pick you, ma'am.
0:39:46 > 0:39:48I'll presume that it's your birthday tonight.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51I know, it's your lucky night, huh?
0:39:51 > 0:39:55And I would ask your name but I'd prefer it if your name is Knuckles.
0:39:55 > 0:39:56So tonight I'm going to call you Knuckles, OK?
0:39:56 > 0:39:59So this is the birthday song that we sing in our family.
0:39:59 > 0:40:01All right, this is for you.
0:40:01 > 0:40:04Might need a nappy and a stackhat cos this shit's about to get real.
0:40:10 > 0:40:14# Knuckles, it's your birthday
0:40:14 > 0:40:17# And I just wanted to say
0:40:17 > 0:40:20# What everyone else has said to you
0:40:20 > 0:40:21# Tonight. #
0:40:24 > 0:40:28DRUNKENLY: Happy birthday, you dickhead. Yey!
0:40:38 > 0:40:42Now, we've known each other for a long time so I can say this, OK?
0:40:42 > 0:40:45Sometimes you can be a real wanker.
0:40:45 > 0:40:47Now, listen! Listen! Listen!
0:40:47 > 0:40:49Here we are... Ssh! I'm coming, coming... Ssh!
0:40:53 > 0:40:56I know you think you're better than me.
0:40:56 > 0:40:59I know you sit there with your shirt and your face
0:40:59 > 0:41:00and you think you're better than me.
0:41:00 > 0:41:02But it hurts, you know. It hurts in here and...
0:41:02 > 0:41:06WHINGES INCOHERENTLY
0:41:06 > 0:41:07GAGS
0:41:11 > 0:41:13No, I got it. I got it. I got it.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15GAGS I got it.
0:41:15 > 0:41:16I got it. GAGS
0:41:16 > 0:41:17I got it. GAGS
0:41:17 > 0:41:18I got it. GAGS
0:41:18 > 0:41:22I don't know if I got it. Hmmmmmmm.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24Hmmmmmmm. Hmmmmmm.
0:41:24 > 0:41:27Hmmm. Eughk... Eughk...
0:41:27 > 0:41:29Phrrrr.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33I want a KFC. Do you want a KFC?
0:41:33 > 0:41:39# Happy birthday-ay-ay. #
0:41:39 > 0:41:40Happy birthday, Knuckles.
0:41:40 > 0:41:42I've been Felicity Ward, you have been lovely.
0:41:42 > 0:41:45Thank you for having me. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:48 > 0:41:51Everyone, Felicity Ward!
0:41:54 > 0:41:58Thank you very much for watching Good News. Good night.
0:41:58 > 0:42:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:22 > 0:42:25Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd