0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:20 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:25Thank you.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Thank you.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Hello...
0:00:32 > 0:00:33and welcome to Good News.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35So, what's been happening?
0:00:35 > 0:00:38The Archbishop of York finally quashed those rumours.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40I'm not a horse.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Is it me, or is this man really attached to his pineapple?
0:00:46 > 0:00:48- IN TREMBLING VOICE:- What happens to it now, I don't know.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52Pineapple!
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Bill Oddie revealed that he's impotent.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59You only have to crack a twig and Mr Badger is down in his set
0:00:59 > 0:01:01and he ain't coming out for several hours.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07And finally, this lady gave the most heartless reason ever
0:01:07 > 0:01:08for buying the Big Issue.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11When you're walking through town, holding one,
0:01:11 > 0:01:13all the others leave you alone.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19A few people applauding - "Yeah, I hate the bastards."
0:01:24 > 0:01:27So, what's been going on? Well, the weather has been shocking.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31'More than 250 flood warnings are in place tonight...
0:01:31 > 0:01:34'as torrential rain and high winds sweep the country.'
0:01:34 > 0:01:37'The countryside is absolutely sodden.'
0:01:37 > 0:01:39It has been horrific.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Houses destroyed, cars swept away.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45But that's nothing - look what this bloke was worried about.
0:01:45 > 0:01:50The water was just coming in and in and all I could think about was...
0:01:50 > 0:01:52well, my Prada shoes.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58"It was either that or save granny.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03"And I can't wear her on my feet, can I?!"
0:02:03 > 0:02:06I don't know what he's stroking, though.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07Not everyone was trivial.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Luckily, there were heroes like this guy bringing essential supplies.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14My main worry, is the fact that the people who run the site for me
0:02:14 > 0:02:18are stranded on their boat at the moment, with four of five others.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19What are you doing to help them?
0:02:19 > 0:02:23We took them essential supplies, like cigarettes and wine this morning.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26How British is that?!
0:02:26 > 0:02:29APPLAUSE
0:02:32 > 0:02:36"They're flooded. Let's get them bollixed!"
0:02:38 > 0:02:40No matter what happened, people kept going.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Even the reporters.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Nothing was going to stop them, nothing.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46..stay away from swollen rivers.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Jeremy Cooke is in Congresbury in Somerset. Jeremy.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Yes, George, I have to say there's growing...
0:02:53 > 0:02:55LOUD CRACKLING
0:02:59 > 0:03:01I love the fact that he carries on
0:03:01 > 0:03:03despite the fact that his mic clearly broke.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05I mean, you'd never...
0:03:05 > 0:03:07HE MOUTHS
0:03:11 > 0:03:12..kin' idiot.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15From floods to joy.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19This week saw the release of the first ever happiness report.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22The UK's first official report into happiness has just been
0:03:22 > 0:03:25published by the Office for National Statistics.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28The survey suggests that about three-quarters of people in Britain
0:03:28 > 0:03:30are happy with their life.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Not everyone agrees.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37The whole world stinks of shit!
0:03:43 > 0:03:44So, what makes people happy?
0:03:44 > 0:03:48Well, the smoothest pensioner ever put it down to love.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51I've been married to the same lady for 62 years.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55- Fantastic.- And she is an absolute dream of a lady.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58What is the secret to happiness? What makes you happy?
0:03:58 > 0:03:59I do what I'm told.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03How amazing is his voice?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06"I do what I'm told.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10"If she wants to spank me, "then spank me she shall!"
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Grrrrr!
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Now, incredibly, the report found that Hull was
0:04:16 > 0:04:19one of the happiest places to live in the UK.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22I tell you what, I bet the locals were delighted.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24I've lived here all my life, and I can't stand it.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28"It's a shithole, mate.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30"I could have moved but then I'd be happy.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32"What's the point of that?!"
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Have you noticed, when these reports come out,
0:04:34 > 0:04:37they always interview the same people.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41"What makes me happy? Food, family."
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Wouldn't it be great if just once you saw some bloke on the news -
0:04:45 > 0:04:49"Me? I like hovering near a gerbil cage with cheese on me balls.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54"I like 'em scrabbling all over me gonads."
0:04:56 > 0:04:58People are different. Do you know what cheers my mum up?
0:04:58 > 0:05:03She likes hiding her Oyster card in her glove so the barriers open
0:05:03 > 0:05:05when she waves her hand.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11"It is amazing, you feel like Gandalf."
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Happiness is an odd thing,
0:05:15 > 0:05:17you never know what's going to provide you with joy.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19It could be something as simple
0:05:19 > 0:05:23as a baby gorilla being touched by a cold stethoscope.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24"Oooh!"
0:05:26 > 0:05:29It could be the face of a toddler that's just been fed a lemon.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37But the number one thing that cheers me up is this.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40I've watched this 1,000 times and it still makes me laugh.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54I can watch it over and over.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Talking of things that provide joy,
0:06:03 > 0:06:05did you see this story about Santa?
0:06:05 > 0:06:10A Santa Claus has become the latest victim of the zip wire.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12His beard got stuck in the wire.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14He was left hanging
0:06:14 > 0:06:17while the Christmas lights were switched on with him hovering above.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Poor sod, he was up there for an hour.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23"Mummy, why is Santa crying?"
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Still, it could've been worse.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35AUDIENCE GROANS
0:06:36 > 0:06:38"Mummy, why is Santa dead?"
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Still, if you think he's had a nightmare,
0:06:42 > 0:06:46did you read about Susan Boyle launching her new album on Twitter?
0:06:46 > 0:06:49This is wonderful. Look what she wrote.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52"Susan Boyle inadvertently invites her fans to...
0:06:52 > 0:06:54"Sus-anal-bum-party."
0:06:58 > 0:06:59Brilliant.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01APPLAUSE
0:07:04 > 0:07:06My brother went.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10He got shit-faced.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Literally!
0:07:11 > 0:07:13AUDIENCE GROANS
0:07:13 > 0:07:15It was a great night.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I've actually got a photo of Sue at the bum party.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I wonder who made her look like that.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36So, what else is going on? Well, did you hear about this?
0:07:36 > 0:07:39In the wake of the success of Fifty Shades Of Grey, some of the
0:07:39 > 0:07:43greatest works of English fiction have been given erotic makeovers.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Classic novels are getting sexed up!
0:07:46 > 0:07:49That is really going to change The Lord Of The Rings.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57We're obsessed with sex. "What am I reading? Oliver Fist."
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Imagine that.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04"Please sir, can I have a bit less?"
0:08:07 > 0:08:09# Consider yourself well in! #
0:08:11 > 0:08:12APPLAUSE
0:08:12 > 0:08:13It's ridiculous.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Everywhere you look - sex, sex, sex.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17You've got vajazzles,
0:08:17 > 0:08:21three-year-olds in T-shirts that say "Mummy's Little Porn Star."
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Christ! In 20 years the news will look like this...
0:08:26 > 0:08:28The economy is in disarray.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Now, Sylvia.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Oh, yes!
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Over to Tom with the weather.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36MUFFLED SPEECH
0:08:36 > 0:08:38AUDIENCE GROANS
0:08:44 > 0:08:47And they said I couldn't get my dad on telly.
0:08:49 > 0:08:54Talking of dads, did you see this incredible story?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57This little guy was fathered by this
0:08:57 > 0:08:59really, really old guy.
0:08:59 > 0:09:0196 years old, in fact.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04He claims to be the world's oldest man to father a child.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06He's 96.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08My grandad can't get up the stairs.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11He's doing the reverse cowboy.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12And it wasn't just a one-off.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Listen to this hound.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18TRANSLATION: I have sex with her three or four times a night.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21I can go all night.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24He can go all night.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25"Say my name, baby.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28"Seriously, say my name, I've forgotten it."
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Imagine he's saying, "What did I come in here for?"
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I shouldn't take the piss. This guy's a legend.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Most old fellas wear boring beige clothes.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Not this cat. Look at that.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Look at his eyes, they're screaming,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48"I live for two things, pussy and tablecloths."
0:09:49 > 0:09:52For me, this is the most incredible part of the story.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55He believes the fact that he was celibate his whole life up until
0:09:55 > 0:09:59his met his wife ten years ago is responsible for his current vitality.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02He was celibate until he was 86!
0:10:02 > 0:10:05He must have been carrying his nuts around in a wheelbarrow.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Just lumbering these bastards around.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13I bet when he finally blew his spuds, his eyes were like this.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18If you think a 96-year-old dad is insane,
0:10:18 > 0:10:21have a look what this bloke put his girlfriend through.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23He hired a team of actors, stuntmen
0:10:23 > 0:10:27and directors to stage a car crash in front of her.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31She was horrified to see medics pull her blood-covered boyfriend
0:10:31 > 0:10:34from the wreckage. After frenzied resuscitation efforts,
0:10:34 > 0:10:37they told her that he had been pronounced dead.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42He faked his own death in front of her and then he did this.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43Minutes later, though,
0:10:43 > 0:10:46the grief-stricken woman got another shock, when her man
0:10:46 > 0:10:49jumped out of the ambulance with a ring, and some flowers.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51She actually forgave him and said yes.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55The two are already on their honeymoon.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56What a dick!
0:10:56 > 0:10:58That...
0:10:58 > 0:11:00That is the worst wedding proposal ever.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03"Surprise!"
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- HYSTERICALLY:- "What the fuck is wrong with you?!
0:11:05 > 0:11:08"What's wrong with a plane that says "I love you"?
0:11:08 > 0:11:11"Getting down on one knee like a fucking zombie?!
0:11:12 > 0:11:15"You were fucking burning in there, I can't believe you did this.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18"I wanted this moment to be special and you've ruined it.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22"I will never forgive you for this, I will never forgive you
0:11:22 > 0:11:26"for what you've done to me on my special day.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27"Never.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32"Can I have a look at the ring?"
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Wouldn't it be great if she said yes
0:11:36 > 0:11:39and he did a little dance of delight and got hit by a truck.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Some cracking crime stories knocking around.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51First up, over in America there is a terrifying creature
0:11:51 > 0:11:52attacking people.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54There's a new creature you need to watch out for.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57And this one is not in the water. It's in the sky.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59It's a bird.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02A bird attacking people has made the news.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05So, did the locals overreact? Oh, just a bit.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08It stays with me, I still see his shadow.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I literally thought it was the end.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12"I thought it was the end.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15"Officer, come quickly.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17"He's terrifying."
0:12:17 > 0:12:20So, did the police help? Oh, they did better than that.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24They released this incredibly detailed drawing of the evil bird.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26There is even a composite sketch of
0:12:26 > 0:12:29this so-called crazy bird, accused of attacking people.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34That is the shittest drawing ever!
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Look at it, look at it!
0:12:37 > 0:12:39It looks like an Easter egg with wings.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Not that it's my favourite animal attack in the news,
0:12:43 > 0:12:46check out this belter of a headline.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Mugged! What's he got? A knife?
0:12:53 > 0:12:56"Give me your wallet, or I'll run you through."
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Now, the reason I love this story... Look what happened next.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05"I'll be back tomorrow for some humus.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09"And it'd better be organic, you fat nacker!"
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Now, luckily, the police have released a photo of this evil beast.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Let's be honest, he clearly made the story up.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23"Where's the garlic bread, Dave?"
0:13:23 > 0:13:27"Erm... It was taken by a fox, Linda."
0:13:28 > 0:13:29"Oh, right.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32"Why's there chocolate round your face, then?"
0:13:32 > 0:13:35"Erm...
0:13:35 > 0:13:37"because he made me eat a Curly Wurly as well!"
0:13:38 > 0:13:40"That's it, from now on we're shopping online.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43"Let's see you eat the internet, you fat bastard."
0:13:47 > 0:13:48"I HATE YOU, DAVE!
0:13:49 > 0:13:52"I would leave Hull, but I fucking hate it."
0:13:52 > 0:13:56Fortunately, not all animals are on the attack. Check this out.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59The popularity of medical marijuana here in Colorado has had
0:13:59 > 0:14:01an unintended side-effect.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Really? What's that?
0:14:03 > 0:14:04Dogs on dope.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Apparently dogs in America are getting stoned.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11And some of them are pretty hard-core.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17If you think he's bad, look how baked these two are.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22Imagine a stoned dog.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28Sat around, eating HobNobs, giggling at stuff like this.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39"Best prank ever.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43"Oh, it's better than the time that Labrador fucked the old lady."
0:14:48 > 0:14:50In Royal news,
0:14:50 > 0:14:53the Queen is on the last stop of her Diamond Jubilee tour this week.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55So where did she go? The Seychelles? Borneo?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Somewhere amazing?
0:14:57 > 0:15:01The Queen, and her 90-year-old husband, have come to Bristol
0:15:01 > 0:15:04on a wet Thursday morning to tour a caravan factory.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08She visited a caravan factory.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11"Look Phil, they make signs. What does that say?
0:15:11 > 0:15:14"'Don't come knocking if the caravan's rocking'?"
0:15:16 > 0:15:18- MIMICS PRINCE PHILIP:- "Yes.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20"Yes, they do."
0:15:21 > 0:15:23A bit sinister that, wasn't it?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Did you see the interview with the guy who drove them around?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38"Yeah, I was pretty cool, I weren't fazed.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42"Once you have driven one person, you have driven them all."
0:15:42 > 0:15:43Did you see how he got on?
0:15:43 > 0:15:47They are not perhaps a silky smooth as a royal limousine.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01As we're near the end of the series, the production team have come up
0:16:01 > 0:16:04with a very special mystery guest which I don't know anything about.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05Please welcome my mystery guest!
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- Hello.- Hello.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16How are you, my friend?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- Very well.- Excellent.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21What's your name?
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Ah... That's for you to guess.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29LAUGHTER
0:16:29 > 0:16:30MAN SHOUTS: Is it Yoda?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Is it Yoda?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Is it Yoda?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38That was a beautifully withering look there.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43The cloak, you look a bit like a Jedi.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44You've got that kind of vibe.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46I would never be a Jedi.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Which sort of implies that you're on the dark side.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Slightly.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04Are you a Sith Lord?
0:17:06 > 0:17:07- Sick or Sith?- Sith.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10I'm not a Sith Lord, either.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12You're not a Sith Lord.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15I'm going to need a clue. (Who are you?)
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Put Captain Solo in the cargo hold.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Are you Boba Fett?
0:17:22 > 0:17:23You were Boba Fett?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Oh, awesome. Is that the actual...
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Isn't that wonderful? There you go.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40- Put it on.- OK.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Wow, that was pretty forceful.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Excellent.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Yes, the thing is, though,
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Boba Fett would have been less scary
0:17:55 > 0:17:57if he was dressed like this, wouldn't he?
0:17:57 > 0:17:58"I'll find him."
0:18:00 > 0:18:03With that caravan on your chest, yes.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Yes, well I can kill anyone because I'm Boba Fett.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Awesome.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11I'm just going to do a bit of that.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14You don't have to move around like that...
0:18:15 > 0:18:18And be careful of the helmet. It's a special gift.
0:18:20 > 0:18:21Do you know, weirdly,
0:18:21 > 0:18:25that is exactly what my brother says on every date he goes on.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30And know this now, my friend, I'll never manhandle your helmet.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35I will return your helmet as you gave it to me.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Roomy.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40You have a strange, strange thing about you.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Yes. You're pretty weird as well.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Well, what a wonderful thing to be part of.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49So, do we ever see your face in any of the films?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Yes, you do, you see me as an Imperial Officer.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54But you are doubled-up, you're playing different...
0:18:54 > 0:18:58It's funny, some of you might know, I actually end up shooting myself.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00That's what happened in Star Wars.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02You just joined in, and said, "Which costume? Oh, that one."
0:19:02 > 0:19:04So, are we going to have a bit of fun?
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Yes, we are. You've done quite well, guessing who I am.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Cool.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10So I thought I'd put you to a quiz
0:19:10 > 0:19:12that is maybe a little bit more difficult.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15A Star Wars quiz? Let's do it.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19MUSIC: "Star Wars (Main Theme)" by John Williams
0:19:24 > 0:19:26MUSIC: "Theme from Mastermind"
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Well, welcome to Now I Am The Mastermind.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37- Are you ready?- Yes.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40In The Return Of The Jedi, Princess Leia infiltrates
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Jabba the Hut's palace by disguising herself as what?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Erm...
0:19:45 > 0:19:47a bounty hunter, and she says...
0:19:47 > 0:19:48- Correct.- OK.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50LAUGHTER
0:19:50 > 0:19:52I'll let you do the noises a bit later on.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59How tall in centimetres is Yoda?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03I don't know...
0:20:03 > 0:20:0459?
0:20:04 > 0:20:0566.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09For this question, we have a special guest.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10- OK.- Chris?
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Hi, Chris.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chris,
0:20:18 > 0:20:21he's a huge Star Wars fan, and he does impressions.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Now, identify the following five impressions.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Fred West.
0:20:30 > 0:20:31Very, very close.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Lap it up, Fuzzball.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35Han Solo.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Correct.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39If it's a fast ship.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Erm, that's...
0:20:41 > 0:20:43- Ben Kenobi.- Well done.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Hhhrroooaaaaank.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Chewy.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- I am fluent in over six million forms...- C3PO.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Well done.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Do or do not. There is no try.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Yoda.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56Well done. Yes, thank you.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04What was the actual working title of Return Of The Jedi?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Let's Get Fucked Up.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Can we have a point for someone in the audience, what was that?
0:21:11 > 0:21:12MAN: Blue Harvest?
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Correct, a point for you.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Oh, right, from Family Guy. This guy knows everything. Fantastic.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Come and see us later, he'll give you a bottle of gin. Thank you.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Can you summarise the plot of the three original films in 15 seconds?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Yes, I can. There's a boy called Luke.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29He is living in this place, nothing really happens.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Suddenly, shit goes down.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34He tries to shag his sister, kills his dad, peace.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38I'll let you have that.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:44 > 0:21:46How does Princess Leia respond to this line?
0:21:46 > 0:21:47END OF ROUND BEEP
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I've started so I'll finish.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55"I'm Luke Skywalker, I'm here to rescue you."
0:21:55 > 0:21:57"Aren't you a little bit short to be a storm trooper?"
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Well done, excellent.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01MUSIC: "Theme from Mastermind"
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Well done, thank you very much indeed.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Pleasure. Thanks very much.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for our mystery guest.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Next up, take a look at this.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21There has been shock over a scented oil on sale in Japan.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24"Why is it shocking, Russell?" I hear you cry. Here's why.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28AUDIENCE GROANS
0:22:28 > 0:22:31They are selling a perfume that smells like a bloke's arse.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33- Ain't nobody got time for that. - Correct.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37APPLAUSE
0:22:40 > 0:22:42What are they going to call it? Shiteguard?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48I've never farted and had a woman go, "Oh, you smell great.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51"Ooh, is that vindaloo?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54"Ooh, you old charmer!"
0:22:55 > 0:22:56It's disgusting.
0:22:56 > 0:23:01But, I will concede, it would make an amazing episode of Dragons' Den.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Russell enters the Den.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06Dragons!
0:23:06 > 0:23:10We all like to smell good, right? Right?!
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Well, I've got a brand new fragrance.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14What does it smell of?
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Flowers.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16My new washing machine.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18No, Theo.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19It smells of man-arse.
0:23:22 > 0:23:23You're off the wall.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25I'm off the wall?
0:23:25 > 0:23:27You look like Cruella Deville.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Am I right, Dunc?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- That's fantastic.- Cheers, Dunc.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Anyway, enough of this BS, let's have a demonstration.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Oh, that's what I'm talking about...
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Spread on!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46So what do you think?
0:23:46 > 0:23:47I'm out.
0:23:47 > 0:23:48I'm out.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49I'm out.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50Fuck.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52I'm going to make you an offer.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Yes, I knew you'd like man-arse.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55Yes!
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Next up, have a look at this creepy weirdo.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09There are individuals out there that get turned on by feet,
0:24:09 > 0:24:11turned on by spanking,
0:24:11 > 0:24:13turned on by cars.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I get turned on by drinking my wife's breast milk.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Aaaaagh!
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Aaaaagh!
0:24:20 > 0:24:21Aaaaagh!
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Aaaaagh!
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Aaaaagh!
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Aaaaagh!
0:24:31 > 0:24:32Drinking his wife's breast milk!
0:24:37 > 0:24:39You think I'm shocked, his kid was furious!
0:24:43 > 0:24:45It gets even more repellent.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48I drink breast milk with my cereal.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49AUDIENCE GROANS
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Filthy bastard!
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Christ, did you see what Tony said?
0:24:55 > 0:24:58I-i-i-i-it's fucking disgusting!
0:25:02 > 0:25:03Aaaaagh!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Mind you, not everyone was horrified. This guy loved it.
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Very nice!
0:25:16 > 0:25:17Finally, tonight,
0:25:17 > 0:25:20check out this amazing story about a boy called Lenny.
0:25:20 > 0:25:2411-year-old Lenny has a rare lung condition.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27My lungs don't work as well as other people's do,
0:25:27 > 0:25:31so I need to carry around an oxygen tank.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Lenny's had various tanks over the years.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36This trolley was designed to help him get about.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Then he was given a smaller tank in a backpack,
0:25:38 > 0:25:43but all of them stopped him doing what a normal 11-year-old would.
0:25:43 > 0:25:48I couldn't play football, I couldn't go on swings,
0:25:48 > 0:25:52I couldn't go on a trampoline without a big extension.
0:25:52 > 0:25:53It made me feel quite sad
0:25:53 > 0:25:56because I couldn't join in with other things.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58The straps were too long for you, weren't they?
0:25:58 > 0:26:01At the same time, Hannah Jenkins was on an internship
0:26:01 > 0:26:04with a Glasgow product design company.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08She asked Lenny what he wanted, didn't ask me, she asked Lenny.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Lenny he sat down with her,
0:26:09 > 0:26:13he described what was wrong with the backpack, how it could be improved,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16how he felt he wanted it to look, because it's important.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20He's 11 years old, he wants to look cool.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23She went off, and came back with a prototype which was amazing.
0:26:23 > 0:26:28Then I walked up Ben Lomond with it, and it worked,
0:26:28 > 0:26:33it helped very well, and I got up quite quick with it.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36No problems at all.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Not only did Lenny climb Ben Lomond, he beat lots of others
0:26:38 > 0:26:41to the top and raised thousands of pounds for charity.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47I can join in with other things and I am much happier than I was.
0:26:47 > 0:26:52Lenny's got his life back, and a new friend for life in Hannah.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54That's lovely, that's awesome.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Now it's time for my stand-up guest.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Please welcome to the stage one of the best new comics around,
0:27:02 > 0:27:04the wonderful Mark Smith!
0:27:04 > 0:27:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:08 > 0:27:09Yes!
0:27:10 > 0:27:13I'm going to start with a joke, if that's all right.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Hey, guys, I've been keeping a count of the prostitutes
0:27:16 > 0:27:18I've been sleeping with.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Tally ho! So that's the first...
0:27:22 > 0:27:23Er, good.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30It's nice, isn't it, a nice little joke about prostitutes there, sir.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33I'm very immature, a very immature person indeed.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35My favourite thing to do in the world
0:27:35 > 0:27:39is to tell my sister stupid made-up shit,
0:27:39 > 0:27:43and just see how long she'll believe that shit for.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46The things I've told her in the past. I told her, for example,
0:27:46 > 0:27:50I told her that Julius Caesar was king of the salads.
0:27:51 > 0:27:52She believed that.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56The second one I told her, I told my sister that lighthouses
0:27:56 > 0:27:59were originally built square, but the swirling wind erosion...
0:28:02 > 0:28:03That's outstanding!
0:28:03 > 0:28:05But the best one I told her,
0:28:05 > 0:28:08and this is the best thing I've ever told anybody in my entire life,
0:28:08 > 0:28:12I told my sister that Nelson Mandela was the original face of Uncle Ben's.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20That's incredible. I'm really happy with that.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21But the best thing is, right,
0:28:21 > 0:28:24my sister is a 32-year-old primary school teacher.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28So all the bullshit I tell her just gets filtered down,
0:28:28 > 0:28:31to a new generation of little morons.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33It's really nice.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36I feel a bit shortchanged in terms of life.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39I'm very immature, and I feel as though my body,
0:28:39 > 0:28:42my physical body is an extension of that immaturity.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46Don't laugh at that bit!
0:28:46 > 0:28:48But look at it, this is it, this is my body, this is what it is.
0:28:48 > 0:28:52I'm a grown man, this is my lot. It's pathetic.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55I'm a grown man, I should be at the peak of my physical powers.
0:28:55 > 0:28:59Able to, like, I don't know, bench-press cars and chase policeman
0:28:59 > 0:29:02and attack women. But instead...
0:29:02 > 0:29:06Instead I've just got the sort of arms that most girls would kill for.
0:29:06 > 0:29:07It's not...
0:29:07 > 0:29:11Look at them. Dangling around. That's what it like.
0:29:11 > 0:29:16The way I walk around, I sort of walk, with these long, willowy limbs,
0:29:16 > 0:29:18all around the place.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21It's like if you can imagine a daddy-longlegs in a breeze.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24That's sort of how I move around.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27I am skinny, I don't mind being skinny.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29The only thing with it is, it means I've got to go with
0:29:29 > 0:29:32sort of curvaceous, voluptuous women.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35Cos I sleep with a stick-thin girl, we'll start a fire.
0:29:40 > 0:29:43My sister says to me, "Mark, just eat more food.
0:29:43 > 0:29:48"Eat more food, you'll be a normal human-sized man. Just eat more food."
0:29:48 > 0:29:51The truth is, right, guys, I eat a lot of food.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53It's just everything I eat goes straight to my nose.
0:29:53 > 0:29:57It's not how it should be... That's bullying if you laugh at that.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59It's just a weird thing.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02The one thing I do like about my physical appearance, it's my height.
0:30:04 > 0:30:08Why? I like my height, I've got a good, solid height. I like it.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11I'm about 5'10", 5'11".
0:30:11 > 0:30:17It's not sort of freakishly tall, certainly not sarcastically short.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20It's a nice height, a good height, for example, if you're a spy.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22You're walking around, being a spy, 5ft 10,
0:30:22 > 0:30:24no-one suspects the 5ft 10 man is a spy.
0:30:24 > 0:30:28Obviously quite a shit spy, cos I've given it away.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31Unless...unless that's the ruse!
0:30:31 > 0:30:34But I don't get why women seem to like tall men.
0:30:34 > 0:30:37- Women of Earth, do you like tall men? WOMEN:- Yes.
0:30:37 > 0:30:38Straight in there as well.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41"Yes, I like them!" Do you like rugby players?
0:30:41 > 0:30:44- WOMEN:- Yes. - You were instant there.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46It could have been, "Do you like any man?" "Yes, I do."
0:30:48 > 0:30:53To me, rugby players are just sort of large slabs of beef,
0:30:53 > 0:30:56with their nose spread across their face,
0:30:56 > 0:30:59walking around the place. I don't really get it.
0:30:59 > 0:31:03I was thinking about this for a long time, thinking deeply about this.
0:31:03 > 0:31:05What is it that women like about rugby players?
0:31:05 > 0:31:07I came up with it, don't shake your head,
0:31:07 > 0:31:09I know what it is, it's all right.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11If you think about it, subconsciously,
0:31:11 > 0:31:14it's been sculpted over millions of years,
0:31:14 > 0:31:16thousands of decades, it's come to fruition.
0:31:16 > 0:31:19If you think about it, subconsciously,
0:31:19 > 0:31:22rugby players play the game of rugby
0:31:22 > 0:31:25with the ball the shape of an egg.
0:31:29 > 0:31:30Bear with me.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33And women...
0:31:33 > 0:31:37lay eggs. Or something.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40That's right, I'm not an idiot, I know how it works. I'm not stupid.
0:31:40 > 0:31:44The sperm goes up, gobbles the egg, baby, done.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48I know how it works, it's not...
0:31:48 > 0:31:52Despite this lack of knowledge about women, I took one, a woman, on a...
0:31:54 > 0:31:58Phew! I took one on a date. A woman, on a date.
0:31:58 > 0:32:02And it was lovely, we had this lovely picnic, in this lovely field.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07And we sat in the shade of this big oak tree,
0:32:07 > 0:32:09and it was lovely, but I noticed on the oak tree,
0:32:09 > 0:32:12there were three messages carved into the tree's bark.
0:32:12 > 0:32:17And the first message carved into the bark said, "Rhys heart Sarah."
0:32:17 > 0:32:20Under that, a second message carved into the tree's bark. This one said,
0:32:20 > 0:32:22"Annabel forever."
0:32:22 > 0:32:26And under that, a third message carved into the tree.
0:32:26 > 0:32:30It said, "Jonathan, you are my everything."
0:32:31 > 0:32:32And I thought, ah...
0:32:32 > 0:32:35A lot of people take weapons on dates.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46My name is Mark Smith, I don't know if you noticed.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49I hate it, it's a shit name. It's a horrible name.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52It's such a terrible name. I wish I had a nickname.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54Mark Smith's a terrible name.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57My worst nightmare would be to be in a room
0:32:57 > 0:33:01with my terrible monosyllabic name written all over the walls...
0:33:05 > 0:33:09I went on holiday a few years ago and I met a man on holiday who was
0:33:09 > 0:33:12travelling through, he was on a gap year style thing.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14And he... This is horrible, right.
0:33:14 > 0:33:20He introduced himself, his given name, his chosen name was Captain...
0:33:22 > 0:33:25..Pussy...Smasher.
0:33:28 > 0:33:32Just let that float around your mind for a minute.
0:33:32 > 0:33:35He introduced himself to me as Captain Pussy Smasher.
0:33:35 > 0:33:39He did this to women he met. This is what he did.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41I've got three problems with that as a name.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44I've got more than three, but I'll mention three.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47The first one, he's got the word pussy in his name.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50As a start off point, don't have pussy in your name.
0:33:50 > 0:33:53Have no genitals if you can help it. Have nothing.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55Second one, he uses the word smash.
0:33:55 > 0:33:59Such a sexually aggressive, horrible word to use.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01It's not a piece of glass. Is it?
0:34:01 > 0:34:04It's a little bit of flesh, it's nice.
0:34:07 > 0:34:10I'm really sorry about this, parents.
0:34:10 > 0:34:11The third problem I've got is that
0:34:11 > 0:34:15he has elevated himself in his name to the role of captain.
0:34:15 > 0:34:17I don't know how this came about,
0:34:17 > 0:34:20I don't know how he got promoted through the ranks of the Navy.
0:34:20 > 0:34:23Started off as Cabin Boy Pussy Smasher,
0:34:23 > 0:34:28and heading towards that glorious Admiral Pussy Smasher role.
0:34:28 > 0:34:32It's just such a weird thing, I don't want to be on his ship.
0:34:32 > 0:34:35I'm getting off board immediately.
0:34:35 > 0:34:37The weird thing is, he, in nine months of travelling,
0:34:37 > 0:34:42you're thinking, how many girls did this incredible Lothario manage to seduce?
0:34:43 > 0:34:45One girl,
0:34:46 > 0:34:48for Captain Pussy Smasher.
0:34:48 > 0:34:51I'm more amazed that a girl went for that.
0:34:51 > 0:34:55How did that come about? Was it like, "Hello, nice to meet you."
0:34:55 > 0:34:58"Nice to meet you, what's your name?" "It's Libby. What's your name?"
0:34:58 > 0:35:01"Captain Pussy Smasher!"
0:35:03 > 0:35:05Any single men in here tonight? SPARSE WHOOPING
0:35:05 > 0:35:10I'm not hitting on you, don't worry. Mm...maybe one or two of you.
0:35:10 > 0:35:13Any single men, I've got a little idea for you,
0:35:13 > 0:35:16little prank to play, trick you can play on people.
0:35:16 > 0:35:18It's quite fun, I did it recently.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21I was out in the town of Leeds, which is a city.
0:35:21 > 0:35:24I went out, I thought, I'll play a little prank on a girl.
0:35:24 > 0:35:28Before I went to the bar, I got a normal standard playing card,
0:35:28 > 0:35:32and I wrote the word "no" on the back of it.
0:35:32 > 0:35:34And that night I scuttled off into Leeds, the town.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37I went up to a girl at the bar, quite a pretty-looking girl,
0:35:37 > 0:35:40but quite sort of snobby, snotty,
0:35:40 > 0:35:42Made In Chelsea fucking awful piece of shit Made In Chelsea
0:35:42 > 0:35:45snobby snotty piece of shit fucking awful piece of bitch...
0:35:47 > 0:35:49EXHALES FORCEFULLY
0:35:51 > 0:35:55I went up to her and said, "Hello. Would you like to see a magic trick?"
0:35:55 > 0:36:00And she went, "Tchuh! No!"
0:36:00 > 0:36:01And I went...
0:36:06 > 0:36:08"Weird."
0:36:08 > 0:36:11Try it, if you're single, try it, it will get you nowhere.
0:36:14 > 0:36:18I'm a very impulsive person, like, very, very impulsive as a person.
0:36:18 > 0:36:21A very impulsive buyer. I'll give you an example of what I mean.
0:36:21 > 0:36:24I will buy any old shit as long as it's near the front of a queue.
0:36:26 > 0:36:30It could be the front of WHSmith, with a stack of magazines,
0:36:30 > 0:36:34and they'll say, "Sir, do you want this chocolate bar the size of a large dog?
0:36:35 > 0:36:37"For four quid?" And I'll be like...
0:36:40 > 0:36:45Well, of course I do. What do you mean by that? Is this...?
0:36:45 > 0:36:49It could be anything, it could be the front of HMV, with a stack of CDs.
0:36:49 > 0:36:54They'd be like, "Sir, do you want this sachet of piss for a tenner?"
0:36:54 > 0:36:58And I'll be like, is that a trick question? Of course.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01Stop fucking me around and bag it up.
0:37:03 > 0:37:04I get it off my dad.
0:37:04 > 0:37:08My dad's got this really beautiful, youthful sense of impulsiveness.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10It's led him over the years to buying all sorts of shit
0:37:10 > 0:37:13we don't want or need in our house, it's quite fun.
0:37:13 > 0:37:16In the '80s, we had the SodaStream maker.
0:37:16 > 0:37:20In the '90s, we had the foot massage bubble bath nonsense.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22Recently we had the Michael Buble CD.
0:37:22 > 0:37:24Shit you don't need or want in your house.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26No, I'm only joking, I like Buble.
0:37:26 > 0:37:29I'm only joking again. Double twist! I don't like him.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32I went home to see him, I went home to Derby to see my dad,
0:37:32 > 0:37:35and I knew he'd bought something rashly and impulsively
0:37:35 > 0:37:37cos he had a look on his face.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39The look on his face was one of,
0:37:39 > 0:37:42"Son, I've been pissing away your inheritance."
0:37:42 > 0:37:46I said to him, "All right, Dad, bozo, what have you bought?"
0:37:46 > 0:37:53He said to me, "Mark, I've just purchased 75 body bags."
0:37:58 > 0:38:04You know what a body bag is, right? Yeah. Yeah. It's horrible, isn't it?
0:38:04 > 0:38:06The actual term, the actual phrase for the body bag itself
0:38:06 > 0:38:11as it says on the outside of the bag is human remains pouch.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14Which is horrible, cos that sounds microwaveable.
0:38:16 > 0:38:17Don't call it that.
0:38:17 > 0:38:20My initial reaction to him buying 75 body bags was to say,
0:38:20 > 0:38:22"Why the fuck have you bought 75 body bags?"
0:38:22 > 0:38:25His response was, to the question what's with the 75 body bags
0:38:25 > 0:38:29primarily used for storing corpses, his response was, "Just in case."
0:38:33 > 0:38:37Just in case what? What is he plotting?
0:38:37 > 0:38:40I don't know how many people my dad is plotting to kill,
0:38:40 > 0:38:43but 75 seems like quite an optimistic number
0:38:43 > 0:38:45for a man with a bad back like his.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48Then I thought, hang on, no, maybe it's not that.
0:38:48 > 0:38:53But maybe...just in case isn't really a satisfactory answer, still.
0:38:53 > 0:38:56It's not satisfactory to the question why have you got 75 body bags.
0:38:56 > 0:39:00Just in case is fine if the question is, Dad, what's with all the suntan cream?
0:39:00 > 0:39:03"Just in case." Hey, Dad, what's with all the condoms? "Just in case."
0:39:06 > 0:39:09Maybe not condoms. Sorry, that's a bad thing.
0:39:09 > 0:39:13I don't want to think about that. That's... Sorry, guys.
0:39:13 > 0:39:16I'm thinking about it now, it's horrible.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18I don't want to think about that...
0:39:27 > 0:39:29Sorry. It's just, the thing is,
0:39:29 > 0:39:33I like to think that my dad's only ever had sex twice in his life.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37Once for my gullible sister, and then once for me.
0:39:37 > 0:39:41And the rest of the time, he just wanks on my mum's tits.
0:39:45 > 0:39:46That's what I like to think.
0:39:46 > 0:39:49Finished! Sorry about that.
0:39:49 > 0:39:50Then I thought, hang on,
0:39:50 > 0:39:53maybe my dad's got genuine reasons for having these body bags.
0:39:53 > 0:39:57I can imagine him now, with his 7ft-wide leather black body bag,
0:39:57 > 0:39:59striding up and down the aisle at Tesco's.
0:39:59 > 0:40:03Waving to people, nodding, striding around with this massive body bag.
0:40:03 > 0:40:07piling wave after wave and shelf after shelf of shit he doesn't need into the bag,
0:40:07 > 0:40:11baguettes, yoghurt, crisps, raisins, fruit, sultanas, eggs,
0:40:11 > 0:40:14bacon, chips, beans, DVDs, magazines, he gets to the front of the queue,
0:40:14 > 0:40:18the cashier says to him, "Have you got a Bag for Life?" He goes...
0:40:21 > 0:40:23Sort of.
0:40:26 > 0:40:28I'm not the most immature person I know.
0:40:28 > 0:40:30That accolade goes to a man called Kelvin.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32Probably the most immature person I've ever met.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35I can't really call him a friend cos he's quite racist. Urrhhh!
0:40:37 > 0:40:39Any racists in here tonight? Put your hands up.
0:40:39 > 0:40:41Good, no-one in, good.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44And he's got this phrase, you might have heard it, hopefully you haven't.
0:40:44 > 0:40:48The phrase goes, "There ain't no black in the Union Jack."
0:40:48 > 0:40:51Have you heard this as a phrase? It's fucking ludicrous.
0:40:51 > 0:40:54That's the phrase, "There ain't no black in the Union Jack."
0:40:54 > 0:41:00What that phrase means is there's no black colour in the Union flag,
0:41:00 > 0:41:04so why are there black people in the country? What a phrase.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07I said to Kelvin, Kelvin, that's not how flags work.
0:41:09 > 0:41:11If you look around, we're in Britain,
0:41:11 > 0:41:14there's no-one here that is the colour of brilliant white.
0:41:14 > 0:41:17There's not, like, if you look around further,
0:41:17 > 0:41:20there's no-one here who is genuinely the colour of red.
0:41:20 > 0:41:24Is there? And apart from the contents of my dad's body bags...
0:41:26 > 0:41:29..there's very little blue. You've been really lovely.
0:41:29 > 0:41:31You've been really nice, thanks for having me.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33- Have you enjoyed it? AUDIENCE:- Yes.
0:41:39 > 0:41:40CHEERING Weird!
0:41:40 > 0:41:42Thanks very much, good night.
0:41:44 > 0:41:46Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Mark Smith!
0:41:51 > 0:41:55Thank you very much for watching Good News, good night.
0:42:17 > 0:42:20Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:42:22 > 0:42:25I enjoyed that. It was nearly as much fun
0:42:25 > 0:42:28as the time I dressed up as Big Cook Little Cook.
0:42:28 > 0:42:29Be careful, Ben!
0:42:33 > 0:42:34Ha ha ha!