0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:29Hello! Hello, hello, hello!
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Welcome to Good News. One of the highlights of doing this show
0:00:33 > 0:00:35is that it allows me to pick loads of great comics
0:00:35 > 0:00:38to come on and give us a stand-up set, and this is a special edition
0:00:38 > 0:00:41with my favourite comics that you've seen on the series
0:00:41 > 0:00:43and a few unseen bits, so enjoy.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48Because I don't drink any more, I had to take up a hobby, and the hobby
0:00:48 > 0:00:52that I've chosen is I've started collecting puns in shop titles.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Whatever! You've probably got friends, so, erm...
0:00:57 > 0:01:01I've got this big long list, but I've got two runners-up and a favourite.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Now, the first runner-up is a pie shop,
0:01:03 > 0:01:05and I found it while I was over here. This was years ago.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Now, if you had a pie shop, you could call it the Pie Hut.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12You could call it Pies R Us.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14But why would you bother...
0:01:14 > 0:01:18if you could call it Pie Minister?! Mmmmmh!
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Mmmmmh!
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Mmmmmh!
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Pretty good, but not the winner.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Another runner-up, there's a kebab shop
0:01:30 > 0:01:32called Abra Kebabra! Ahhh!
0:01:36 > 0:01:39How is that not the winner? It's not the winner.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42The winner, ladies and gentlemen, came in the form of a phone call.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45My friend knows that I do this and he called me up and said,
0:01:45 > 0:01:47"Are you sitting down?"
0:01:47 > 0:01:49And I said, "What is it?" He said, "I've found it."
0:01:49 > 0:01:53I said, "What is it?" He said, "It's a Halal store."
0:01:53 > 0:01:54I said, "What's it called?"
0:01:54 > 0:01:58He said, "It's called Halal, Is It Meat You're Looking For?"
0:02:00 > 0:02:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Lionel Richie and Islam together at last!
0:02:09 > 0:02:13But what happens now is, people know that I do this
0:02:13 > 0:02:15so they sent one to me and I've got a new favourite.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17There is an Indian restaurant
0:02:17 > 0:02:19called Poppadom Preach!
0:02:23 > 0:02:26I come from a country that's going through difficult times,
0:02:26 > 0:02:28but I also just love hanging out with me friends
0:02:28 > 0:02:29and love hanging out with me family.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33My mum is amazing, right, like every other one's mum is great.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37But she's got a great ability, like any Irish mother, to ask me
0:02:37 > 0:02:41a question and then answer that question within the same sentence!
0:02:41 > 0:02:43It's ridiculous.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46I spoke to my mum on the phone last year, last September,
0:02:46 > 0:02:49and this was the exact conversation that I had with my mum on the phone.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51She rings me up and goes, "Andrew." I said, "Yes, Mammy?"
0:02:51 > 0:02:55She says, "Come here, do you know your brother Ian?"
0:02:59 > 0:03:01"No, no, no, never heard of him."
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Of course I know my brother Ian, right?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06He's me brother, I've known him all me life, it's ridiculous.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08She goes, "Well, I just wanted to tell you something
0:03:08 > 0:03:11"about your brother Ian." I said, "What's that, Mammy?"
0:03:11 > 0:03:15"Your brother Ian is thinking about proposing
0:03:15 > 0:03:17"to his girlfriend on Christmas Day."
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I said, "What are you telling me that for? It's September."
0:03:20 > 0:03:23She goes, "Well, I just wanted to warn you
0:03:23 > 0:03:26"that if your brother rings you on Christmas Day
0:03:26 > 0:03:30"to tell you that he's engaged, I want you to act surprised."
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I was like, "Why don't you just not bloody tell me, then?
0:03:36 > 0:03:37"And I'll be surprised!"
0:03:37 > 0:03:40I now have to assume a role that I'm not comfortable with!
0:03:40 > 0:03:42And then on Christmas Day last year,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44my brother did get engaged on Christmas Day, but guess what?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47He never rang me. He sent me a text.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Sent me a text on Christmas Day.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51One word, no emotion. "Engaged."
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I didn't know, was he getting married or locked in a toilet?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57I wasn't sure of the scenario.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00So what I did was, I rang my mum back up on Christmas Day,
0:04:00 > 0:04:02cos I had Christmas here in England.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04I rang her up and went, "Mammy." She goes, "Yes, son."
0:04:04 > 0:04:06I said, "Come here. Do you know your son Ian?"
0:04:06 > 0:04:09She went, "I do, yeah, yeah. I've heard of him, yeah."
0:04:09 > 0:04:11I said, "Well, he's just after sending me a text to tell me
0:04:11 > 0:04:14"that he's after getting engaged." She went, "What? He's engaged?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17"He's not told me yet, now you bloody spoiled my surprise as well."
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- AMERICAN ACCENT:- OK, so, erm, this first song
0:04:20 > 0:04:22that I'm going to do for you,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25this is a song that comes all the way from Australia, where I'm from.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28And I want you guys to really give it up.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31This goes out to all the joeys out there, the kangaroos,
0:04:31 > 0:04:35all the wallabies, the bilbies, all of those, OK?
0:04:35 > 0:04:36So here we go.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39HE BEATBOXES
0:04:43 > 0:04:46BEATBOXING PLAYS ON LOOP
0:04:49 > 0:04:53- BASS VOCAL IMPRESSION: - Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah! Wah-wah-wah, wah-wah!
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooh! Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah!
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Oo-ooh!
0:04:58 > 0:05:00# Come on, come on, yeah!
0:05:00 > 0:05:01# Come on
0:05:01 > 0:05:04# Sometimes, 85,365 people and stuff... #
0:05:04 > 0:05:08HE RAPS GIBBERISH
0:05:08 > 0:05:10# ..underwear, it's my underpants and my trousers... #
0:05:10 > 0:05:13HE RAPS GIBBERISH
0:05:13 > 0:05:14# ..glass of milk... #
0:05:14 > 0:05:17HE RAPS GIBBERISH
0:05:24 > 0:05:27# ..Zoom-zoom, what? Zoom, what? Zoom, what?
0:05:27 > 0:05:31# Put your hand in the cookie jar
0:05:31 > 0:05:34# Put your hand in the cookie jar
0:05:34 > 0:05:36# Put your hand in the cookie jar
0:05:36 > 0:05:38# Put your, put your, put your hand
0:05:38 > 0:05:43# Put your hand, p-p-p-p-p-p Put your hand in the cookie jar
0:05:43 > 0:05:47# Put your hand in the cookie C-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c
0:05:47 > 0:05:50# Put your hand in the cookie jar
0:05:50 > 0:05:53# Yeah, come on, come on, yeah. #
0:05:54 > 0:05:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:57 > 0:06:00I went to my Arabic barber and had a wet shave today for the show.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02I tried to look my best for you,
0:06:02 > 0:06:05and erm...I love having a wet shave but it's quite tense.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07You've got an Arab...
0:06:08 > 0:06:09..a Jew...
0:06:10 > 0:06:12..and a blade...
0:06:13 > 0:06:16..and the news on in the background.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22But it's tense at my barber's cos my barber doesn't know my name!
0:06:22 > 0:06:24You know those friendships, like with the milkman,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27when you swap names on the first day and never get their name again?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30After ten years, you can't ask someone their name.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32My barber's name is on his shop front.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Get this, my barber's called Ali, Ali the barber!
0:06:34 > 0:06:36I'm going to play a practical joke on Ali.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38I've decided that the biggest high in life
0:06:38 > 0:06:40you can possibly get is a cringe.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Above falling in love, above seeing your baby being born,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45when you intentionally embarrass yourself in public
0:06:45 > 0:06:47and that rush goes through your body and you go,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50"Ohh, I can't believe I just got my cock out in Sainsbury's.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54"Has that made it more than six items?"
0:06:55 > 0:06:57But that rush, that's a great feeling,
0:06:57 > 0:06:59but you can't enjoy that feeling
0:06:59 > 0:07:01cos society's told you it's not a nice feeling.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Next time you cringe, get into it and enjoy it, it's amazing.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06I'm going to give Ali the biggest cringe buzz ever.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Listen to this idea carefully, you have to use your imaginations.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11If you haven't got one, pretend.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Next time Ali's shaving me, I'm going to turn around and say,
0:07:16 > 0:07:20"I've known you for ten years and I consider you to be my friend, Ali."
0:07:20 > 0:07:23And he'll say, "I consider you to be my friend...my friend."
0:07:23 > 0:07:27And I'll say, "D'you know what I do for a living?" He'll say, "No."
0:07:27 > 0:07:29I'll say, "I work with profoundly deaf people and mute people.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32"It's my birthday next week, I want you to come to my party.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35"It'll be me, you and my seven other best friends who are all mute."
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Let's be honest, what could be more awkward than going to
0:07:38 > 0:07:41a birthday party on your own where you don't know the host's name
0:07:41 > 0:07:44or any of his mates, and they're all mute?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I'll tell you, when they bring on my birthday cake
0:07:46 > 0:07:49and you've got to sing Happy Birthday...
0:07:51 > 0:07:55..to a bloke whose name you don't know with seven mute people.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00I'm not one of these hardcore atheists, though.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01I don't hate religious people.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04If you are religious, beautiful, fantastic, well done, you.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I wish I could have that faith.
0:08:06 > 0:08:11Wish I could have that belief system, but I went to school, so...
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Makes it a little bit difficult.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Damn you, logic, and, er...
0:08:15 > 0:08:17But I'm really not... really not against religion.
0:08:17 > 0:08:22My entire side of my mum's family is very religious, entire side of my dad's family is very religious.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24I've got an uncle who's a minister.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27He's 5ft 2in, so we call him a mini-ster.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32He does that annoying thing that a lot of religious people do, where
0:08:32 > 0:08:36he quotes the Bible at me in random situations and expects it to help.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Like, "Daniel, you will know the Truth,
0:08:38 > 0:08:41"and the Truth will set you free."
0:08:41 > 0:08:42"John, 8,32."
0:08:42 > 0:08:44What?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Can I do that? Can I randomly quote stuff at people?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49"If you want to know what a man is truly like,
0:08:49 > 0:08:52"look at how he treats his inferiors and not his equals."
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire!
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Page 410, right?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Same thing, same thing.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Good quote, made-up source, OK?
0:09:03 > 0:09:06My uncle will be sitting there, he's lost faith, he's like,
0:09:06 > 0:09:09"Oh, Daniel, what if you're right? What if there is no God?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11"What if I've wasted my life, What if I've wasted my kid's life?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14"How am I meant to go on? How am I meant to find Jesus?"
0:09:14 > 0:09:16And I'll say, "Don't give up, Scott.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18"Keep on searching and you will find him."
0:09:18 > 0:09:20"Oh, wow, that's beautiful. What's that?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22"Is that John, is that Paul, is that Leviticus?"
0:09:22 > 0:09:24"No, Where's Wally?"
0:09:25 > 0:09:27He was behind the Eiffel Tower, eh?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30I don't have a home, I just follow...
0:09:30 > 0:09:32- AUDIENCE: Aw... - No, it's cool, man.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34I feel sorry for you for having one.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Homes suck!
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Now my only hassles in life are airport security,
0:09:42 > 0:09:44border guards and customs agents,
0:09:44 > 0:09:48which would be a good only problem to have if I looked normal,
0:09:48 > 0:09:49but I don't, I look like this,
0:09:49 > 0:09:53so I'm constantly being fucked with at the borders
0:09:53 > 0:09:57and that bothers me, cos I've been a comedian for 19 years now,
0:09:57 > 0:10:00and it used to be relatively easy to get across borders
0:10:00 > 0:10:03and then 9/11 happened and it got really hard,
0:10:03 > 0:10:06especially for people who look like me, which I don't understand
0:10:06 > 0:10:09cos I don't remember a Lynyrd Skynyrd cover band
0:10:09 > 0:10:14having anything to do with the actions of that horrible day.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17But I'm constantly fucked with at the border,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20and I've got to tell 'em on the form that I'm a comedian,
0:10:20 > 0:10:24which no border guard EVER in the history of time has ever been
0:10:24 > 0:10:27able to deal with maturely.
0:10:27 > 0:10:32So it's like, "Oh, comedian! "Ah-hardy-har-har-har-har-har!"
0:10:33 > 0:10:37I once had a border guard look me straight in the eye once, go,
0:10:37 > 0:10:41"Comedian! Yeah, what do your parents think of that?"
0:10:43 > 0:10:44"What do my parents think of me?
0:10:44 > 0:10:48"What do your parents think of YOU, you pretend cop?"
0:10:50 > 0:10:55As a comedian, I travel the whole damn world making people laugh.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59That's one of the most difficult jobs on the planet.
0:10:59 > 0:11:05I know people who went to Oxford who can't do this job!
0:11:07 > 0:11:13A border guard, however, goes to bed every night knowing no matter
0:11:13 > 0:11:18how good they get at their job, a dog will always be better!
0:11:22 > 0:11:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:28 > 0:11:31I've had 'em tell me jokes before.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33That's creepy.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36When you find out what makes border guards laugh, like,
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I was coming into England and the border guard's like...
0:11:39 > 0:11:41"You're a comedian, right?
0:11:43 > 0:11:44"Here's one for you."
0:11:46 > 0:11:47"WHAT...
0:11:48 > 0:11:53"..is the only good thing about paedophiles?"
0:11:56 > 0:12:01I was like, "I don't...know, sir."
0:12:02 > 0:12:05And he said, "You can be sure, when they drive past schools,
0:12:05 > 0:12:08"they will ALWAYS respect the speed limit."
0:12:12 > 0:12:14And then he followed it up with...
0:12:15 > 0:12:17"..You can use that!"
0:12:20 > 0:12:26How the hell would I crowbar that joke into my act?!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35My brother's 17, just turned 17.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39He's one of those young, wannabe bad boys, like, "Yeah, yeah, you get me?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you get me? Oh, my days, yeah?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45"Oh, my days, yeah, but still, you get me, yeah? You get me, yeah?
0:12:45 > 0:12:49"Yeah, yeah." One of them bell-ends, right? I love him, but just...
0:12:49 > 0:12:51we don't really see eye to eye on certain stuff now.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54He doesn't think I'm cool and young and hip any more.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Like, for example, I took him to a hip-hop concert earlier this year.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Now, he loves hip-hop, right? It's not that I don't like hip-hop,
0:13:00 > 0:13:04it's just that certain things about hip-hop concerts annoy me now, right?
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Like, we got to the concert and the main act came out.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Before he says anything, five other guys, right,
0:13:09 > 0:13:12his posse, come on stage with microphones,
0:13:12 > 0:13:15and they start running around the stage going, "Yeah!
0:13:15 > 0:13:22"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
0:13:22 > 0:13:27"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Bro!
0:13:27 > 0:13:30"Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro!"
0:13:35 > 0:13:36What's the point of that?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39And my brother, he's like, "No, no, you don't understand, man.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42"It's to hype up the crowd, innit? It's to get the crowd excited."
0:13:42 > 0:13:45I was like, what would get the crowd excited
0:13:45 > 0:13:47was if the man had just started doing the bloody songs.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49That's what I've paid my money for.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Like, for example, if I go to a restaurant and I order some food,
0:13:51 > 0:13:54I don't want a chef to come to my table with pots and pans going,
0:13:54 > 0:13:57"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"
0:14:00 > 0:14:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:05 > 0:14:08"Just get my food, bell-end."
0:14:08 > 0:14:11I'm very immature, a very immature person indeed.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15My favourite thing to do in the world is to tell my sister
0:14:15 > 0:14:21stupid made-up shit and just see how long she'll believe that shit for.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24The things I've told her in the past, I told her, for example,
0:14:24 > 0:14:28that Julius Caesar was King of the Salads.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30She believed that.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34The second one I told her, I told my sister that lighthouses were
0:14:34 > 0:14:38originally built square, but the swirling wind erosion...
0:14:40 > 0:14:41That's outstanding!
0:14:41 > 0:14:44But the best one I told her, and this is the best thing
0:14:44 > 0:14:46I've ever told anybody in my entire life, right?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I told my sister that Nelson Mandela
0:14:48 > 0:14:50was the original face of Uncle Ben's.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59That's incredible! I'm really happy with that. But the best thing is,
0:14:59 > 0:15:01my sister is a 32-year-old primary school teacher.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07So all the bullshit I tell her just gets filtered down...
0:15:07 > 0:15:10to a new generation of little morons.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12FRENCH ACCENT: I have to offer
0:15:12 > 0:15:16a little bit of love advice as well for you,
0:15:16 > 0:15:19because you need it.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Always the English come to me with advice,
0:15:21 > 0:15:25"Oh, Marcel, you must do this, do that, do this to procure the woman.
0:15:25 > 0:15:30"Oysters," they say, "will win the woman every time. Oysters."
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Bullshit.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36A woman can always spot an oyster floating in her drink.
0:15:39 > 0:15:45Especially if you have left on the shell. But no, advice for you.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47You are together, Monsieur Mucus?
0:15:49 > 0:15:53Oh, it's keeping a distance between you.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- How long together?- A year.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58A year! Fuck...
0:15:58 > 0:16:01That's a long time, you know. I'd move on.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04One year.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06That's a little bit clingy.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13- Sir, how do you keep alive the spark in this long term...- Sex.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Oh, straight away!
0:16:15 > 0:16:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:22 > 0:16:25You notice, she says sex, you do not.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Now I see how she is keeping alive the spark.
0:16:30 > 0:16:35Well, advice for you sir, for any man in the relationship,
0:16:35 > 0:16:38two things a man can do to keep alive a spark.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42Number one, women, they like to play games.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Always.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Why not try hiding?
0:16:50 > 0:16:55You keep it small at first, one, two hours in the cupboard. Boo, surprise!
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Build it up to three, four weeks away,
0:17:02 > 0:17:04somewhere she won't expect.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Some men, they can hide for decades.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Then I won't get no sex.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12No, but it seems you are not getting it anyway, so...
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Might as well be in a fucking cupboard.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21At least watching a piece of the action.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25She is not denying it.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30If this is not for you, number two, you can leave for your loved one
0:17:30 > 0:17:34around the house small notes for her to find.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Three-word notes are the best.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40A different word on a different note in a different room of the house,
0:17:40 > 0:17:43and the best three words a man can leave are...
0:17:44 > 0:17:48"will", "you" and "me".
0:17:49 > 0:17:52She will be searching for the fourth one for days.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Gives you time for your own leisure activity.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04You are welcome.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:10 > 0:18:13As you can see, I'm a bit wobbly.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Don't you love the word "wobbly"? I think it's so cool,
0:18:17 > 0:18:22I think that we should have more positive names for conditions.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25You know, instead of something really horrible,
0:18:25 > 0:18:31like "schizophrenic", why don't we just say "overly imaginative?"
0:18:32 > 0:18:35"Claustrophobic" - "nature lover".
0:18:36 > 0:18:40"Mentally retarded" - "Sarah Palin".
0:18:41 > 0:18:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:46 > 0:18:51Get this, right, I love this one. My friend, he's wobbly too, yeah?
0:18:51 > 0:18:55He calls himself "neurologically inconsistent".
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Which is great, but bloody hard to say
0:19:00 > 0:19:03if you have a speech impediment.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Actually, so is "speech impediment", isn't it?
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Don't you think they should have called that something a bit easier?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Like, "I have a...u-urgh!"
0:19:17 > 0:19:19I'm a local girl, I love London,
0:19:19 > 0:19:25but where I live, the school kids love to imitate the way I walk,
0:19:25 > 0:19:27and my dad goes mad!
0:19:27 > 0:19:30He storms up to them, shouting,
0:19:30 > 0:19:32"No! This is how you do it!"
0:19:34 > 0:19:36One, two, three, four.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39HE BEATBOXES
0:19:57 > 0:20:00# Every time I put myself on the line
0:20:00 > 0:20:03# Oh, it tells me what could be true
0:20:04 > 0:20:07# Even when I do it on my own
0:20:07 > 0:20:10# I never thought that I could be with you
0:20:10 > 0:20:14# You got me roaming along Shining my shoes
0:20:14 > 0:20:18# Telling everybody that you're all out of view
0:20:18 > 0:20:23# And I, I could buy some biscuits but they're out at the store
0:20:23 > 0:20:26# Every night shop Night shop, night shop
0:20:26 > 0:20:29# Threw it away, sneaking away
0:20:29 > 0:20:32# Trying to take two bars of chocolate
0:20:32 > 0:20:35# Put it in my pocket somewhere Not come back in
0:20:35 > 0:20:40# My parents never noticed that I had extra sins
0:20:40 > 0:20:45# And if you want to take a trip down the road, all you got to do is... #
0:20:45 > 0:20:47# Actually, the motor functions of...brain
0:20:47 > 0:20:49# And just...down the...road...
0:20:51 > 0:20:54# Every...uh...ta...ow, vuh...G...ronimo!
0:20:54 > 0:20:57# I just wanted to hold stuff
0:20:57 > 0:21:01# Because I never ever gave it some time
0:21:01 > 0:21:04# Oh, if you got some time
0:21:04 > 0:21:08# Isn't that just a little bit tight? #
0:21:08 > 0:21:11HE SINGS GIBBERISH
0:21:15 > 0:21:19# ..This time, baby, boo-boo, ba-ba dee-dee, ba-ba, doo-doo, da-da
0:21:19 > 0:21:21# Doo-doo, da-da, doo-doo... #
0:21:21 > 0:21:23HE SCATS
0:21:23 > 0:21:25HE IMITATES A HI-HAT
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Yeah, OK, yeah, here we go.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40HE BEATBOXES
0:21:51 > 0:21:53HE SCATS AND STUTTERS
0:21:59 > 0:22:01HE RAPS GIBBERISH
0:22:06 > 0:22:08# ..Islington...Brixton... #
0:22:08 > 0:22:10HE RAPS GIBBERISH
0:22:40 > 0:22:42# ..Condom style... #
0:22:43 > 0:22:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:46 > 0:22:49I'll tell you what we need to do, as people, as our generation,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52we're all kind of scared about money and stuff like that, you know,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55I don't think we're educated in the right way when we go through school
0:22:55 > 0:22:58to kind of set ourselves up for day-to-day living.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00We're not educated about mental health issues,
0:23:00 > 0:23:04emotional intelligence, how to get more money in your parents' will,
0:23:04 > 0:23:06we're not educated about the important stuff.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08We're educated about silly stuff that we don't need.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10And since living here, I've noticed
0:23:10 > 0:23:14that what you do is pay a lot of money back to the British government
0:23:14 > 0:23:16for your education and stuff.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17I've got a friend of mine,
0:23:17 > 0:23:21she's going to pay back to the British government £10,000.
0:23:21 > 0:23:26£10,000 for a geography degree.
0:23:26 > 0:23:31A geography degree! Ten grand for a geography degree.
0:23:31 > 0:23:37For £4.50, I can buy you a map in the petrol station. It's ridiculous.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40I've got another friend of mine, ten grand he's got to pay back
0:23:40 > 0:23:42to the British government for a history degree.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46Ten grand for a history degree. He's studying the past.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50He could have just Googled "what happened?". That's all he had to do.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54Part of his history degree, he had to go on a field trip and what
0:23:54 > 0:23:58he had to do was, my mate, he had to go to Germany, cos he was studying
0:23:58 > 0:24:02history, cos apparently Germany have done loads for history in the past.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05They're big suppliers of the history, right?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07And you know, when anybody goes to another country,
0:24:07 > 0:24:09they go away and they come back
0:24:09 > 0:24:12and they start banging on about what they did and all this sort of stuff.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14He comes back from Germany, he goes, "Oh, you know,
0:24:14 > 0:24:17"the history in Germany, they were ruined by Otto von Bismarck
0:24:17 > 0:24:20"then they had World War I, World War II and the rise of Hitler.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22"Then the country was divided into two groups,
0:24:22 > 0:24:23"you had West Germany and East Germany.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26"Then they had the economic depression of the 1970s,
0:24:26 > 0:24:28"then they had to knock down the Berlin Wall to reunify
0:24:28 > 0:24:30"the country, to build an economy,
0:24:30 > 0:24:33"and that economy then supports your economy and the rest of Europe."
0:24:33 > 0:24:35And he's banging on, and I'm just thinking to myself,
0:24:35 > 0:24:38"Just tell me what I want to know, just tell me the simple stuff.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40"Just tell me how much was the price of the pint?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42"That's all I want to know!
0:24:42 > 0:24:44"I am not arsed about anything else, but eight euro?
0:24:44 > 0:24:47"Not going fucking near the place, my friend.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50"Eight euro, ridiculous, right? Bulgaria, 80p.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52"80p a pint in Bulgaria. I don't even know where the place is,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55"but that is the greatest country in the world.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58"If they can get me pissed on 80p a pint, right?"
0:24:58 > 0:25:00He goes "Yeah, but what about the Berlin Wall?"
0:25:00 > 0:25:04"I've got four fuckin' walls in me bedroom, mate, I'm not arsed."
0:25:04 > 0:25:06I turned 25 recently, which is like a real...
0:25:06 > 0:25:09like a serious human age to be, right?
0:25:09 > 0:25:12It's a proper adult age, it's the kind of age, I feel, like,
0:25:12 > 0:25:15where you should know definitively whether or not you like olives.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19I'm on the fence about olives.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22I think I like green ones and not black ones. Is that a thing?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24OK, thanks guys, cool.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Erm, but yeah, so I've written a song about birthdays.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30I'm going to sing a song about birthdays. OK, how's everyone doing?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Another song, is that cool?
0:25:32 > 0:25:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:36 > 0:25:39True stories about birthdays, guys.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43# A birthday is a special day It comes once a year
0:25:43 > 0:25:46# Forget the world is ending and just be of good cheer
0:25:46 > 0:25:49# You wake up in the morning and your grandma calls
0:25:49 > 0:25:50# And you spend an hour crying
0:25:50 > 0:25:53# Cos only 14 people wrote on your Facebook wall
0:25:56 > 0:25:59# And your ex wrote happy birthday with a lower-case B
0:25:59 > 0:26:01# Followed by dot-dot-dot
0:26:01 > 0:26:03# It's just, happy birthday...
0:26:03 > 0:26:06# What the hell is that supposed to mean?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08# At work they tie a balloon to your wheelie chair
0:26:08 > 0:26:10# They got you a cupcake Not a real cake
0:26:10 > 0:26:13# You pretend not to care, but it was Christina's birthday last week
0:26:13 > 0:26:15# And they did get her a real cake
0:26:15 > 0:26:17# And she's only a temp so surely there's been some mistake
0:26:17 > 0:26:20# Because a cupcake's not the same as a cake
0:26:20 > 0:26:22# It's only one-fifth of the size
0:26:22 > 0:26:24# A cupcake's not the same as a cake
0:26:24 > 0:26:28# But it's not a big deal I'm just grateful that you remembered
0:26:28 > 0:26:30# It's the time of your life until your best friend mentions
0:26:30 > 0:26:32# Oh, my God you must love birthdays
0:26:32 > 0:26:34# Cos you love being the centre of attention... #
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Thank you, Stephanie, thank you for coming, I appreciate it.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40# ..You started off fresh but now you're feeling muddled
0:26:40 > 0:26:42# People buying you shots like they want to get you in trouble
0:26:42 > 0:26:45# And Stephanie's like, is it weird for you that you're single
0:26:45 > 0:26:47# But all your friends are in couples? #
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Thanks, Stephanie. Thank you so much for coming.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51You really know me so well.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53# ..On second thoughts make that gin and tonic a double
0:26:53 > 0:26:56# Cos it's your birthday and you're older and wiser
0:26:56 > 0:26:58# But don't feel sad
0:26:58 > 0:27:02# Even if you celebrate the same way as last year
0:27:02 > 0:27:04# By throwing up a kebab
0:27:04 > 0:27:07# And crying
0:27:07 > 0:27:11# And crying and crying and crying in the bathroom
0:27:11 > 0:27:13# That a cupcake's not the same as a cake
0:27:13 > 0:27:15# It's only one-fifth of the size
0:27:15 > 0:27:17# A cupcake's not the same as a cake
0:27:17 > 0:27:18# But it's not a big deal
0:27:18 > 0:27:22# I'm just grateful that you remembered. #
0:27:22 > 0:27:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:26 > 0:27:27Thanks, guys.
0:27:27 > 0:27:32You can be culturally insensitive when you didn't even mean to be.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Like, tell me - was this culturally insensitive?
0:27:35 > 0:27:39I was just in Abu Dhabi in the Middle East, doing gigs,
0:27:39 > 0:27:42and they have the world's biggest mosque there,
0:27:42 > 0:27:44and when they say the world's biggest mosque,
0:27:44 > 0:27:46they are not kidding.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48It's fucking gigantic!
0:27:49 > 0:27:54And I just wasn't ready to see the world's biggest mosque,
0:27:54 > 0:27:58and the lady in the car went, "Glenn, look to your left.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00"It's the world's biggest mosque,"
0:28:00 > 0:28:02and I went, "Jesus Christ!"
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Here's the question.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Is it blasphemy if you say the wrong god?
0:28:15 > 0:28:19See, I didn't think it was blasphemy, because as I'm sure
0:28:19 > 0:28:23some of you know, and some of you would be very shocked to find out,
0:28:23 > 0:28:28it probably was blasphemy because Christ is actually in the Koran.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31I know!
0:28:31 > 0:28:33I was amazed when I found out too.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37It's like when you see a superhero in a different comic book.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42SOME APPLAUSE
0:28:42 > 0:28:47What, are you guys like a little team now? Who else is coming?
0:28:47 > 0:28:49Like, is Buddha going to show up in the Koran
0:28:49 > 0:28:53and be like a Justice League of the spiritual world,
0:28:53 > 0:28:56and they all fight crime together like The Avengers,
0:28:56 > 0:28:59like Buddha's belly-bucking everybody?
0:28:59 > 0:29:01And then Mohammed's like, "Jesus, do a miracle!"
0:29:01 > 0:29:06And Jesus would slide in like the Silver Surfer and go, "Who-o-oah!
0:29:06 > 0:29:08"I turned the water into wine!
0:29:08 > 0:29:10"Yeah, yeah."
0:29:10 > 0:29:13And then all the Muslims in the Koran would be like...
0:29:15 > 0:29:16"Don't do that!
0:29:21 > 0:29:22"That's not a miracle!
0:29:22 > 0:29:25"This is the desert, and now we can't drink that!
0:29:29 > 0:29:33"You're not a miracle worker, you're a nuisance!
0:29:34 > 0:29:36"You're a nuisance worker!
0:29:40 > 0:29:41"Can you turn it back?"
0:29:43 > 0:29:44"Erm...
0:29:46 > 0:29:48"..no.
0:29:49 > 0:29:53"No, I-I don't know how to do that part of the trick yet."
0:29:54 > 0:29:56You know what?
0:29:56 > 0:29:59I just hope this isn't the first action that causes a chain of events
0:29:59 > 0:30:03that makes our two wonderful religions not get along any more.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09APPLAUSE
0:30:09 > 0:30:12This is supposed to be like a really cool, glamorous job, you know,
0:30:12 > 0:30:15going round the country, talking to people like you, fucking cool,
0:30:15 > 0:30:19like making you laugh, hopefully. Meant to be really cool.
0:30:19 > 0:30:23And the name "Mark Smith" does not fit into that cool job title.
0:30:23 > 0:30:27It's a terrible name. It's a really bad name. So monosyllabic and boring.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30I hate it. And for a while, I used a different name for this job, right.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33For a while I changed it, because not only is Mark Smith a terrible name,
0:30:33 > 0:30:36but also because of the game show Gladiators.
0:30:36 > 0:30:38Do you remember the game show Gladiators?
0:30:38 > 0:30:39- AUDIENCE:- Yeah!
0:30:39 > 0:30:41The homoerotic mid-'90s game show Gladiators?
0:30:41 > 0:30:44Do you remember a gladiator called Rhino?
0:30:44 > 0:30:47- SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS:- Yeah. - Oh, he's in. Good.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50Well, for those that don't know, Rhino was a 6ft 2in
0:30:50 > 0:30:54black gladiator who was built like a...
0:30:54 > 0:30:56bungalow.
0:30:57 > 0:31:00Now, Rhino's real name was Mark Smith.
0:31:01 > 0:31:05And I didn't want there to be any confusion.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08It's a terrible name, Mark Smith. I hate it. It's such a bad name.
0:31:08 > 0:31:11I wish my sister had named me, cos she's good at naming stuff.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14My parents clearly have some sort of imagination barrier
0:31:14 > 0:31:16when it comes to naming stuff. My sister is really good at it.
0:31:16 > 0:31:19She got a cat, she called it Keith. Fine.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22And she called it Keith because that's the noise it makes
0:31:22 > 0:31:24when it hisses. Like, "Ke-e-eith!"
0:31:26 > 0:31:28That's fucking genius! That's amazing.
0:31:28 > 0:31:32For one year, I went by a different name for comedy,
0:31:32 > 0:31:36and the name I chose for this one year was the name Winston Smith.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42Yeah. That's shit, isn't it?
0:31:42 > 0:31:44And I had to change that, right, cos I came up to a gig
0:31:44 > 0:31:47in the north of England, and I came on stage and I went,
0:31:47 > 0:31:50"Hello! I'm Winston Smith."
0:31:50 > 0:31:53And this woman at the front row, this northern woman, just went...
0:31:53 > 0:31:55"No."
0:31:58 > 0:32:01And I went, "What do you mean, no?"
0:32:01 > 0:32:03And she went, "I just don't believe you."
0:32:05 > 0:32:07I said, "Why don't you believe it?"
0:32:07 > 0:32:09And she went, "It's cos you're not black."
0:32:10 > 0:32:14So I went, "All right, hot shot. Name me a famous black Winston."
0:32:14 > 0:32:18She went, "That's easy. Winston Churchi... Oh, yeah."
0:32:19 > 0:32:23I don't like ducks, and there's one duck in particular
0:32:23 > 0:32:26that I have a problem with, and that's Mother Duck.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28You know Mother Duck? You know the five little ducks...
0:32:28 > 0:32:30# Went out one day
0:32:30 > 0:32:31# Over the hill and far away
0:32:31 > 0:32:35# Mother Duck said Quack, quack, quack, quack
0:32:35 > 0:32:38# But only four little ducks came back. #
0:32:38 > 0:32:40Now, if I lost a child...
0:32:42 > 0:32:46..and I'm not a mother, but if I lost a child, I might, what?
0:32:46 > 0:32:48Say, become a little bit overprotective
0:32:48 > 0:32:51of my remaining children. Does that happen?
0:32:51 > 0:32:54# ..Four little ducks went out one... #
0:32:54 > 0:32:57No! It's been a full 24 hours, you call the police.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59That is the way.
0:32:59 > 0:33:01I mean, I know it's hard to use an iPhone with webbed feet,
0:33:01 > 0:33:03but make an effort! And then...
0:33:03 > 0:33:06# ..Three little ducks went out one day... #
0:33:06 > 0:33:07How's your maths, Mother Duck?
0:33:07 > 0:33:10Five little ducks minus two little ducks equals...?
0:33:10 > 0:33:13Child Services. Exactly. And then...
0:33:13 > 0:33:14# ..Two little ducks went... #
0:33:14 > 0:33:17The definition of insanity is doing the same thing
0:33:17 > 0:33:19over and over again and expecting a different result.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21They're little ducks anyway.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23They shouldn't be going on unsupervised field trips
0:33:23 > 0:33:27in the first place! And then finally...
0:33:27 > 0:33:29# ..One little duck went out one day... #
0:33:31 > 0:33:32HER VOICE QUIVERS
0:33:32 > 0:33:36# ..Over the hill...and far away.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40# Mother Duck said... Quack, quack... #
0:33:42 > 0:33:43(Sorry.)
0:33:43 > 0:33:45# ..Quack, quack..."
0:33:45 > 0:33:48And this time no little ducks came back.
0:33:48 > 0:33:51This was a preventable tragedy.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54And we can only hope that justice is being served
0:33:54 > 0:33:57and this nursery rhyme is actually set in Peking.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59And Mother Duck is now being served with a tiny,
0:33:59 > 0:34:02delicious pancake and some hoisin sauce.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05CLEARS THROAT
0:34:05 > 0:34:08The tits of the Brits
0:34:08 > 0:34:11are the biggest and best
0:34:11 > 0:34:14breasts in Europe, they say.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17But who are they to say
0:34:17 > 0:34:20and is biggest best anyway?
0:34:20 > 0:34:22When they stay out to play
0:34:22 > 0:34:24in a man's randy hands,
0:34:24 > 0:34:27will they stand to attention
0:34:27 > 0:34:29without intervention?
0:34:32 > 0:34:34And that's not to mention
0:34:34 > 0:34:35the standard of man
0:34:35 > 0:34:40you'll encounter when pouting your mountainous peaks.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42Men who drool
0:34:42 > 0:34:44like a fool
0:34:44 > 0:34:46and truly lose all cool
0:34:46 > 0:34:48as they stare all the while
0:34:48 > 0:34:50at the vertical smile
0:34:50 > 0:34:53of a gleaming, heaving cleavage.
0:34:55 > 0:34:57When the men end
0:34:57 > 0:34:58their frenzied endeavours
0:34:58 > 0:35:01with haste, ignoring your face,
0:35:01 > 0:35:02the fun's up,
0:35:02 > 0:35:05and although the D-cup runneth over,
0:35:05 > 0:35:07the owner's alone
0:35:07 > 0:35:09now the boner has gone.
0:35:12 > 0:35:13The petit titty
0:35:13 > 0:35:16sits pretty when tipped up.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19It's tip-top when on top.
0:35:19 > 0:35:23The sleek, subtle peaks within reach,
0:35:23 > 0:35:27each a pink, pointy peach.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35MAN LAUGHS LOUDLY
0:35:39 > 0:35:42Pity the big titty
0:35:42 > 0:35:44who claims superior-ity
0:35:44 > 0:35:47when in later years
0:35:47 > 0:35:49grav-ity interferes,
0:35:49 > 0:35:51so instead of two spheres
0:35:51 > 0:35:53they will smother your ears...
0:35:55 > 0:35:56as you sleep in your bed
0:35:56 > 0:35:58dreaming instead
0:35:58 > 0:36:00you are blessed with a chest
0:36:00 > 0:36:02which may not have impressed
0:36:02 > 0:36:05the testosterone drones who want rest
0:36:05 > 0:36:07in their quest to squeeze handfuls of flesh
0:36:07 > 0:36:10while the smartest attest
0:36:10 > 0:36:13that biggest is not best.
0:36:15 > 0:36:18APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:36:44 > 0:36:47APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:36:47 > 0:36:49I was in Australia earlier this year.
0:36:49 > 0:36:52I love Australia, I think it's beautiful and fantastic.
0:36:52 > 0:36:53The wildlife hates me.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55Every time I go, it tries to kill me,
0:36:55 > 0:36:57and you don't get that where I'm from.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59There's no wildlife in Scotland.
0:36:59 > 0:37:03There might be a badger... but nobody's seen him in a while.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05I was in Australia, and I was there for about a day,
0:37:05 > 0:37:07and I was walking down this street,
0:37:07 > 0:37:11and a snake from a tree saw me and was like, "Fucking mmm!
0:37:12 > 0:37:15"That looks tasty! Could eat me a bite of that. Yum yum yum."
0:37:15 > 0:37:17Launched itself out this tree at me.
0:37:17 > 0:37:21Now, I would love to tell you I acted like a man. I did not.
0:37:21 > 0:37:24I made a noise my body's never made before.
0:37:24 > 0:37:27Just in the hope that the snake would go, "You know what? Leave it."
0:37:27 > 0:37:28I freaked out.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31Anything penis-shaped coming towards my face, I'll freak out.
0:37:31 > 0:37:32It's the way I deal.
0:37:32 > 0:37:35But all the Aussies around me were laughing, going,
0:37:35 > 0:37:37"Oh, look how much of a poof he is. Wah, wah!", the way they do,
0:37:37 > 0:37:40and I knew I had to win back some man points,
0:37:40 > 0:37:42so I quickly remembered back to an episode of Steve Irwin that
0:37:42 > 0:37:45I'd watched when I was younger, and I remembered that snakes have
0:37:45 > 0:37:49got no natural immunity to being run over by cars, OK?
0:37:50 > 0:37:51They just never developed it.
0:37:51 > 0:37:53So I grabbed it in the manliest way I could
0:37:53 > 0:37:55and I threw it into the middle of the road,
0:37:55 > 0:37:59and that is when it magically turned itself into a stick.
0:38:09 > 0:38:11Do...do snakes have leaves over here, no?
0:38:13 > 0:38:15I've noticed in the UK, we do get very touchy
0:38:15 > 0:38:18about appearing racist, about the whole issue of race.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20I personally think, "Relax, chill out, man."
0:38:20 > 0:38:23I've got a neighbour called Mrs Bishop.
0:38:23 > 0:38:24Lovely, sweet old lady, right,
0:38:24 > 0:38:28but she's petrified of appearing racist, so much so that whenever
0:38:28 > 0:38:32she talks to me or my family, she never says the word "black".
0:38:32 > 0:38:34Instead she says "urban".
0:38:38 > 0:38:42She'll say something like, "Nathan, do you know that little...erm,
0:38:42 > 0:38:43"the urban kid from number 5?
0:38:43 > 0:38:46"You know, with the big urban hair? Have you seen him?"
0:38:46 > 0:38:48I'm like, "Mrs Bishop, you don't have to say that, OK?
0:38:48 > 0:38:51"That's dumb on so many different levels. I mean, one,
0:38:51 > 0:38:54" 'urban' is not an adequate replacement for 'black', OK?
0:38:54 > 0:38:57"Urban's a city, hence anyone can be urban.
0:38:57 > 0:39:00"Two, the word 'black', it's not racist, it's a colour, right?
0:39:00 > 0:39:02"I'm not going to get upset over a colour.
0:39:02 > 0:39:04"I'm a human being, not a bull.
0:39:05 > 0:39:08"And three, even if the word 'black' was racist,
0:39:08 > 0:39:10"I still wouldn't be offended if you said it.
0:39:10 > 0:39:12"Cos you're black too."
0:39:15 > 0:39:17APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:39:19 > 0:39:22I think I really internalised the Mayan 2012 prophecy.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25I really took that on board, and now I'm seeing signs everywhere.
0:39:25 > 0:39:28I'm feeling stressed about it, and I was saying to my girlfriend,
0:39:28 > 0:39:31"I feel like I go to parties, it's on the tip of everyone's tongue.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33"Everyone's talking about the end of the world.
0:39:33 > 0:39:37And she was like, "That's cos you bring it up in every conversation that we're ever in.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39"And you're the worst at parties.
0:39:39 > 0:39:41"And I want to break up," she said.
0:39:41 > 0:39:43On Skype, yesterday. No, just kidding.
0:39:43 > 0:39:47So I do stress out about it, so what I've done to combat those
0:39:47 > 0:39:51feelings of anxiety about the world ending is I've come up with
0:39:51 > 0:39:54a scenario in which the world ending might not be such a bad thing.
0:39:54 > 0:39:57It might be like a fun party time for all of us.
0:39:57 > 0:39:58We could all just have a nice time.
0:39:58 > 0:40:01So I've written a song about that, and then I'm going to go,
0:40:01 > 0:40:03but this has been great.
0:40:03 > 0:40:06It's just an uplifting track about the end of days.
0:40:08 > 0:40:12APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:40:16 > 0:40:19# I don't think I have to go to work today
0:40:19 > 0:40:22# I'm just going to stay in bed
0:40:22 > 0:40:25# Because today is a special day
0:40:25 > 0:40:30# The whole of Great Britain is crawling with undead
0:40:30 > 0:40:31# Crawling with undead... #
0:40:31 > 0:40:34It's a happy song, guys. It's an uplifting...
0:40:34 > 0:40:37# ..And I've seen the movies so I know to steal a car
0:40:37 > 0:40:40# And drive out to the woods Get away from city centres
0:40:40 > 0:40:43# And I don't want to brag but I did kind of see this coming
0:40:43 > 0:40:44# And ever since Y2K
0:40:44 > 0:40:47# I've been stockpiling canned goods in my basement
0:40:49 > 0:40:52# Now they're coming through the windows
0:40:52 > 0:40:55# And zombies are surrounding my flatmate
0:40:55 > 0:40:58# I got to leave that bitch behind Just leave Janine behind
0:40:58 > 0:41:01# And start running now, don't wait
0:41:01 > 0:41:03# There's no time to hesitate
0:41:03 > 0:41:06# To be fair, we never really got along that well anyway
0:41:06 > 0:41:07# Because she never does the dishes. #
0:41:07 > 0:41:10And she leaves her stuff all over the living room
0:41:10 > 0:41:12and that's meant to be our shared space, so...
0:41:12 > 0:41:15# ..It's funny how the power dynamic shifts
0:41:15 > 0:41:18# In the midst of a zombie apocalypse
0:41:18 > 0:41:19# Janine needs a ride... #
0:41:19 > 0:41:22She's knocking on my car window cos she needs a lift,
0:41:22 > 0:41:25and I'm like, "Oh, my God, I'm sorry, Janine, it's a really full car.
0:41:25 > 0:41:28Erm..."I'm a nervous driver, so I just don't think...
0:41:28 > 0:41:31"I mean, you can't sit in the front seat, I have my coat there, so...
0:41:31 > 0:41:33"And in the back I have a book.
0:41:33 > 0:41:35"I'm sure you'll be fine, though, I know you're an avid jogger,
0:41:35 > 0:41:37"so I'm sure you'll be fine."
0:41:37 > 0:41:39# ..It's funny how the power dynamic flips
0:41:39 > 0:41:42# In the midst of a zombie apocalypse
0:41:42 > 0:41:45# Janine needs a ride, at this point she really, desperately needs a lift
0:41:45 > 0:41:47# I bet she wishes she hadn't left
0:41:47 > 0:41:50# That passive-aggressive note on the fridge...
0:41:50 > 0:41:54# It's a bad day for the planet but the best day of my life. #
0:41:54 > 0:41:57Thank you so much, guys. I've been Mae Martin. Thank you so much!
0:41:57 > 0:41:59APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:41:59 > 0:42:01So, that's the end of the show. I hope you enjoyed the stand-ups.
0:42:01 > 0:42:03See you again, my friends. Farewell!
0:42:03 > 0:42:06APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:42:28 > 0:42:31Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd