0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains strong language and adult humour
0:00:21 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Hello! Hello, hello, hello, hello!
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Welcome!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Welcome to my Christmas edition of Good News Best Bits.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35We've had some amazing stories throughout the series,
0:00:35 > 0:00:37so here are some of my favourites.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39I hope you enjoy them.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43Look at Jeremy Paxman's ultimate ambition.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46To rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48Here's a tip.
0:00:48 > 0:00:53If you're going on telly, don't stand in front of a sign like this.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55The next court appearance is scheduled for...
0:00:55 > 0:00:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:05I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure this guy is being spied on.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08A lot of buildings obviously lose heat through the roof...
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Bill Oddie revealed that he's impotent.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17You only have to crack a twig and Mr Badger is down in his set
0:01:17 > 0:01:19and he ain't coming out for several hours.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21And finally,
0:01:21 > 0:01:25the BBC asked this bloke what the best programme on telly was.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26I think it's good news.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Very kind.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29CHEERING
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Political news in Britain was all about one man.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Fresh from his summer of Olympic, Paralympic
0:01:43 > 0:01:47and mayoral election success, Boris arrived to a circus of cameras
0:01:47 > 0:01:50and reporters normally reserved for rock stars.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53He was surrounded by a Borismania media circus.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56The last time I saw anyone get this sort of reception was
0:01:56 > 0:01:58when Muhammad Ali arrived.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Boris, Boris, we love you, Boris.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Cr-r-razy.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07The country has gone Boris cr-r-razy.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Did you see his conference speeches? He was amazing.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Most MPs talk about policies. Not Boris.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15He talked about what he wants in his lunchbox.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Every single chocolate Hobnob in the world.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22CHEERING
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Then he did an impression of a really happy Rasta.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31He looked and he said, "Very ni-i-ice."
0:02:33 > 0:02:36But that is nothing on his plans for next summer.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38One thing we have considered extensively
0:02:38 > 0:02:39is a politicians' Olympics,
0:02:39 > 0:02:43where you'd have Jeremy Hunt wanging the bell end.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Jeremy Hunt wanging the bell end?
0:02:58 > 0:02:59Very ni-i-ice.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Over in the US, Barack Obama is back in the presidential race.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Barack Obama has come out fighting in the battle for the White House.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Damn right. Did you watch the debate?
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Romney tried his best, but Obama played his trump card.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18We can get this economy going again. My five-point plan does it.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Energy independence for North America in five years,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24getting a balanced budget, fixing our training programmes
0:03:24 > 0:03:28for our workers and, finally, championing small business.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Osama Bin Laden is dead.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Boom!
0:03:43 > 0:03:46"I can get his head if you want, bitch."
0:03:46 > 0:03:52Next up, check out what happened to this woman on BBC Radio Ulster.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01And what was the horrendous message she read out?
0:04:17 > 0:04:18What?!
0:04:25 > 0:04:29How can you read that out?
0:04:29 > 0:04:32It's the biggest story, use your brain!
0:04:38 > 0:04:42In literary news, JK Rowling has picked up her pen once more.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46JK Rowling is perhaps the most famous living writer in the world.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50Now, she is opening a new chapter in her literary life,
0:04:50 > 0:04:53with her first novel aimed at an adult audience.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56A book for adults? That's going to freak out the kids, isn't it?
0:04:56 > 0:05:01"Ron moaned as he took Hermione up the Gryffindor.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10"If only she'd worked harder on her Defence Against The Dark Arts.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16"Meanwhile, Harry had caught the snitch.
0:05:16 > 0:05:21"He vowed he would never again sleep with a prostitute."
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Have you seen what it's called?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32The Casual Vacancy is a story set in a small English town.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35The Casual Vacancy?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Surely, if she's going to write an adult book,
0:05:37 > 0:05:38she should have gone for this.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47There's more.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Or my personal favourite.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10"Mr Harry should never have given me a sock."
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Over in the US, look what happened to this guy at the cinema.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18This is hilarious.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22A man in a theatre in downtown Sparks accidentally shoots himself
0:06:22 > 0:06:25in the buttocks while watching a movie.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28As you do.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Was the film stopped? Was he screaming in agony? Oh, no.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Witnesses say the subject then stood up, apologised to the crowd
0:06:35 > 0:06:38and took himself to the VA hospital.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40He apologised!
0:06:40 > 0:06:44"I'm terribly sorry, I appear to have fired a gun into my rectum.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48"I've literally put a cap in my ass.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52"Enjoy the film. I'm in real trouble."
0:06:52 > 0:06:55I love the fact that he drove himself to the hospital.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58He's just fired a shot there. Imagine the poor nurses.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Imagine trying to keep a straight face
0:07:00 > 0:07:02when he tells you what happened.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05"You did what? Did you? Shot in the bum, yeah?"
0:07:05 > 0:07:07MUMBLES
0:07:07 > 0:07:10"I've got to check some files over here."
0:07:11 > 0:07:15"Mary. You see that man over there?
0:07:15 > 0:07:18"That man's got two arseholes."
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Next up, have you seen the latest pen you can buy?
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Now, Bic must have thought that women have a hard time writing.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36They have launched a line of pens specifically for women.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40Yes. They've invented a pen just for ladies.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Are there girls going, "I will not use it unless it's pink"?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49It's ridiculous. All they've done is change the colour.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53They've essentially given a Biro a vajazzle. That's what they've done.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57It's so sexist. What is this advert going to look like? This?
0:07:57 > 0:08:01Hey, you! Yes, you.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Do you struggle with manly pens?
0:08:03 > 0:08:07Well, don't worry your pretty little head about it,
0:08:07 > 0:08:11because we've invented you a brand-new lady pen.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16With new lady pen, I've got time to draw kittens,
0:08:16 > 0:08:19and I still have time to make my husband's dinner.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Thank you, darling.
0:08:21 > 0:08:26If only someone would invent a car that parks itself for me.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28I'm such a stupid bitch.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36So, this is a brand-new bit of the show could Headliners,
0:08:36 > 0:08:38where members of the public persuade me why they
0:08:38 > 0:08:41should be making headlines. So, let's meet our first Headliner.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Hello.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Hello, hello.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- Hello, my friends. What's your name?- Jamie McCartney.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Jamie, why do you think you should be in the news?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57I should be in the news because I'm the artist that made...
0:08:57 > 0:08:58- the Great Wall Of Vagina.- Wow.
0:09:08 > 0:09:09I remember her.
0:09:11 > 0:09:16Is that a guesstimation or are those actual vaginas you've moulded?
0:09:16 > 0:09:21- Yeah, these are casts taken from real people.- From real people?- Yeah.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28She's got very neat... What a mess that is. Jesus!
0:09:28 > 0:09:31That looks like an elephant, whereas that...
0:09:31 > 0:09:33looks like a rabbit's nostril. Excellent.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34How did you persuade them to do that?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- I'm very charming, that's what it is.- You're very charming?
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Yes, I'm very charming.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42"Madam, I couldn't help but notice what a lovely vagina you have."
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- Are you on the wall?- No!
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Wouldn't that be great? "I should be in the news because that's me."
0:09:50 > 0:09:52How about you, madam?
0:09:52 > 0:09:55My name's Zoe Ludford-Brooks, and I'm a member of the UK Quidditch team.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59Quidditch. There we are. We are really dealing with two...
0:09:59 > 0:10:00CHEERING
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Somebody booed Quidditch over there.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07"Oh, I hate imaginary sports."
0:10:08 > 0:10:13Let's stone her Hippogriff. So, who do you play for? Who's your team?
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I play for Avada Keeledavra,
0:10:15 > 0:10:19which is the team at Keele University, and also the UK team.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23This is an ultimate dilemma between the joyousness of, kind of,
0:10:23 > 0:10:27invented, fabricated sports and a man that has a selection of vaginas.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31I'm going to have to give it to vagina man.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33That's not your actual name, I apologise.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35It's what I'm getting called.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37If you smile at the camera, and I guarantee it will say
0:10:37 > 0:10:39"Fanny-tastic."
0:10:47 > 0:10:50OK, in Russia, a cartoon is in hot water.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Russia's TV stations are considering banning some of the nation's
0:10:53 > 0:10:56best-loved children's cartoons.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Why? Are they too violent? Are they racist?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Some argue that Russia's equivalent of Tom and Jerry
0:11:02 > 0:11:05called Nu, Pogodi! is harmful to children.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09That's because the wolf chasing the hare is a smoker.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13They're banning cartoons because the wolf's having a fag?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Like there's five-year-olds, "Why am I smoking? I seen a wolf do it."
0:11:18 > 0:11:19It's ridiculous. Kids aren't stupid.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22I was a huge fan of Transformers when I was little.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24I never had a chat with a lorry.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26"All right, Optimus?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29"Someone's quiet today."
0:11:29 > 0:11:32My mum, "Oh, God, Russell's talking to the lorry again."
0:11:32 > 0:11:35"Shh, Mum's onto us, Optimus.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38"I'll see you later, my friend."
0:11:38 > 0:11:41I never stroked a lorry, I should point out.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Mind you, it isn't just smoking that's upsetting people.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Cheburashka and his friend the crocodile have also come under fire
0:11:48 > 0:11:53from conservative groups for having homoerotic overtones.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54What, indeed.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57They are worried that a wolf and a crocodile
0:11:57 > 0:12:00might have a gay relationship. Christ, if they think that's
0:12:00 > 0:12:03homoerotic, they should watch Big Cook, Little Cook.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Be careful, Ben!
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Oh!
0:12:08 > 0:12:09Oh, no!
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Don't worry, Ben, I'll just lick it up.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Mm. Hee-hee!
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Now, what I want to know...
0:12:30 > 0:12:32It's the joy, isn't it? It's the joy.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33What I want to know,
0:12:33 > 0:12:36why would a wolf have a gay relationship with a crocodile?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Think about it, it would be the scariest blow job ever, wouldn't it?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42"I'll huff and I'll puff...
0:12:42 > 0:12:44"and I'll blow you till your eyes pop."
0:12:51 > 0:12:53It's so stupid. What do these bigots
0:12:53 > 0:12:55want this cartoon to look like? This?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Hello, Mr Wolf.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Mr Wolf has stopped smoking,
0:13:00 > 0:13:02which means he can get more air into his lungs...
0:13:02 > 0:13:05BREATHES DEEPLY
0:13:05 > 0:13:08..which gives him more energy for gay bashing.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Go on, Mr Wolf!
0:13:18 > 0:13:23Next up, over in Serbia, a story about the freakiest headstone ever.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27Grieving 72-year-old Milan Marinkovic wanted to fulfil his wife Milena's
0:13:27 > 0:13:29last request not to be forgotten,
0:13:29 > 0:13:32by having her likeness carved on her grave.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36Oh, isn't that sweet? It's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41So, what did he put on her grave? A lovely picture of her face?
0:13:41 > 0:13:43It wasn't her face
0:13:43 > 0:13:45the dying woman wanted her husband to remember the most.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47It was her vagina.
0:13:52 > 0:13:57She's got a cast of her vagina on her grave?!
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Very ni-i-ice.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09I love the fact it was her idea. Just on her deathbed. "Do...do...
0:14:09 > 0:14:13"Will you do one thing for me when I die? Just one thing.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15"You couldn't put my growler on a grave, could you?"
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Wouldn't it be awful if she didn't actually want this?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21If it turned out the husband was deaf
0:14:21 > 0:14:25and she was just a massive fan of a bloke called Mike Hunt?
0:14:25 > 0:14:29"I want Mike Hunt on my grave.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32"Me and Mike Hunt together for ever.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35"Do you know, I want people to stare all day at me and Mike Hunt."
0:14:37 > 0:14:42She's got a vagina on her grave! Do you know who I feel sorry for?
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Her grandchildren. "Do you want to visit your nan's grave?" "No!"
0:14:48 > 0:14:52They'll be so freaked out. "Mum, what's that?"
0:14:52 > 0:14:57"Um, well, um, that's a butterfly with an afro."
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Christ, what's his gravestone going to look like? This?
0:15:06 > 0:15:12This is an amazing story. Have a look what's been going on in Peru.
0:15:12 > 0:15:17There's a local mayor in Peru - I believe the town is called Huarmey -
0:15:17 > 0:15:19his name is Jose Benitez
0:15:19 > 0:15:23and he has decided that the water in his town
0:15:23 > 0:15:25is making the town gay.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28The water is making people gay.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31You shouldn't laugh, he's right.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34I've been there. And the water is powerful stuff.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Ah.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45AHHHH!
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Now, this IS good news.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:59 > 0:16:02I was so bendy that day.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Hello, my friend. What's your name?
0:16:09 > 0:16:15- Hi, I'm Tara and I am the UK's top horse hairdresser.- Horse hairdresser?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- Fantastic. What does that entail? - Basically...
0:16:18 > 0:16:21LAUGHTER
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Basically, you can add special colours to their hair.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27If a girl wants a designer pony, for example.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- Or you can make their tail much more thick, curly.- Lovely.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33How about you, mate? Why do you think you should be in the news?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- What's your name, first of all? - My name is Joe.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37I should be in the news because
0:16:37 > 0:16:40I am the greatest Star Wars fan in the universe.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Yoto. Yoto.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53What?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55LAUGHTER AUDIENCE: Ohhh!
0:16:55 > 0:16:58You should say, "Because I'm holding a thermal detonator."
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Hm.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Ha-ha! Nice. You can't say you're the biggest fan
0:17:02 > 0:17:04and not know what they say in Jabba's Palace.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- C-3PO says that.- He doesn't.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12When Leia is dressed up as the spy to get fucking Han Solo
0:17:12 > 0:17:16out of that carbonite, she says, "Why should I listen to you?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18and he goes, "Yoto. Yoto."
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- "Because I'm holding a thermal detonator."- C-3PO says that bit.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25- No, no, no, no! - Yes. C-3PO translates it.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30- He translates, but the subtitles say that.- No, it doesn't.- Yes, it does.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- It says...- Are you watching the remastered ones or something?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36I'm not watching the remastered ones.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Let's have a fight.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Have you got a spare... Can I have a go on that? Have you got one?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Oh, shit!
0:17:47 > 0:17:50He's got moves. Shall I make the noise?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52LIGHTSABER BUZZES
0:17:52 > 0:17:55All right, all right!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Jesus.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02"But I wanted to go into town and pick up a power converter!"
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I'm going to slap you.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12I like that move that you do, that one. Awesome.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Oh, yes!
0:18:13 > 0:18:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Amazing.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Sit yourself down, you're going to do yourself a mischief.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27That was fantastic. There you go.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Well, I'm going to have to give it to you
0:18:28 > 0:18:30because I'm a huge fan of the Star Wars films.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34I'm sorry. Point your face there. Smile. There you go.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Give it up for my Headliner!
0:18:35 > 0:18:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Over in the US, have you seen
0:18:43 > 0:18:46the latest way they're trying to stop drink-driving?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Talking urinals have been introduced in the US
0:18:48 > 0:18:51to encourage men not to drink and drive.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Talking toilets.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56"I was going to get shitfaced, but the toilet fairy said, 'No'."
0:18:59 > 0:19:03It gets weirder. For some reason, they only have female voices.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- SLURRED:- "Why don't you do yourself a favour and drink my piss,
0:19:14 > 0:19:16"you moany bitch?"
0:19:16 > 0:19:21"Yeah?! You don't know me!"
0:19:21 > 0:19:24How weird would that phone call be?
0:19:24 > 0:19:30"Hello? You need to pick me up. Why? Because the toilet told me.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34"Yeah. The toilet says I'm a danger to society."
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Not that the toilet is always polite.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Check this out, it's brilliant.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Check out the most risque track on this party playlist.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45Don't drive drunk.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49If you do and you get arrested, the next urinal you pee in
0:19:49 > 0:19:51will be in jail, with a hairy guy named Bubba standing behind,
0:19:51 > 0:19:54asking you to pick up the soap and to be his bitch.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07How full-on is that? What if you're not even drinking?
0:20:07 > 0:20:10You're just having a wee and the toilet is like,
0:20:10 > 0:20:11"You're going to get raped!"
0:20:11 > 0:20:12"Eh?!
0:20:12 > 0:20:15"I'm just drinking J2O!"
0:20:15 > 0:20:17It's mad. Apparently... This is even weirder.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20..they're going to have male voices in the ladies. Never going to work.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22You just know somebody in the factory
0:20:22 > 0:20:24will programme it to say this.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Giggedy.
0:20:28 > 0:20:33You know they're doing that. It's the first thing you do.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Did you hear about this?
0:20:35 > 0:20:39The Government are looking to recruit a brand-new breed of spy.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42A new scheme to recruit apprentice cyber spies has been
0:20:42 > 0:20:43launched by the Government.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Up to 100 18-year-olds will be given the chance
0:20:46 > 0:20:48to train for a career in the Secret Service.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52We're going to have 18-year-old spies.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55"Ah, Mr Bond, I've been expecting you."
0:20:55 > 0:20:56"Whatever, slaphead."
0:21:01 > 0:21:04"Stop stroking your cat, you look like a paedo."
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Imagine them getting interrogated.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10"Where have you been?" "Nowhere."
0:21:10 > 0:21:13"Who were you with?" "No-one."
0:21:13 > 0:21:15"Who do you work for?"
0:21:15 > 0:21:16"Nando's."
0:21:18 > 0:21:21They'll be awful. Imagine them with Bond girls.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22"Your name's Pussy Galore?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24"Is that because you've got a massive fanny?"
0:21:29 > 0:21:31They'd be terrible with gadgets.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35You give an 18-year-old a laser, he won't use it to spy with.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Next up, this story is unbelievable.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Someone stole his penis!
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05The tooth fairy has fucking lost it!
0:22:09 > 0:22:11"I'm fed up of teeth.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14"From now on, I shall be known as the Knob Goblin!"
0:22:22 > 0:22:24He had his penis stolen!
0:22:24 > 0:22:27So, who actually took it?
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Was it his wife? Was it a scorned lover? Oh, no.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37Four men! Four men!
0:22:37 > 0:22:39How big was his dick?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Four men!
0:22:44 > 0:22:48"Terry, Terry, get a lorry. This monster's got some girth!"
0:22:48 > 0:22:52IMITATES REVERSING LORRY BEEPS
0:22:52 > 0:22:57My favourite part of the story is definitely this bloke's reaction.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01It's sick for anybody to steal someone's penis. That's their penis.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04It's not yours, it's their penis, it belongs on their body.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08You have your own penis. You come with your own penis, man.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10You don't go around stealing people's penis, man.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13That's a no-no, man. That's how you get killed.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20I love that quote on the end.
0:23:20 > 0:23:25"Don't steal a man's penis, that's how you get killed." No, it isn't.
0:23:25 > 0:23:30Nobody has ever been murdered for stealing a dick.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34I've seen many episodes of Miss Marple. Not once...
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Not once did you have, "Cause of death?
0:23:37 > 0:23:40"He was a cock snatcher!
0:23:40 > 0:23:43"Check his pockets, they're stuffed full of dick."
0:23:48 > 0:23:52My favourite animal story of the year was definitely the Essex lion.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- A lion on the loose.- A lion on the loose.- Lion on the loose.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Pawing itself, it was rolling over.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00- Were you frightened?- No.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04No. One bloke was.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12What did the lion turn out to be?
0:24:12 > 0:24:16He's called Teddy Bear and he's a Maine Coon cat,
0:24:16 > 0:24:18which are bigger than your average cats.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20It was a cat.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Mind you, if a lion
0:24:22 > 0:24:26does ever go to Essex, I think we all know where we want to see it.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Shut up.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28ROAR
0:24:28 > 0:24:31CHEERING
0:24:34 > 0:24:38Did you see this fantastic story about a pissed businessman?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41We can all get a bit disorientated at Tube stations,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44but one Japanese businessman has been filmed trying,
0:24:44 > 0:24:49for a whole two minutes, to walk down an escalator the wrong way.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04I love it. I love the fact he was going for two minutes.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08"Why won't my feet work?"
0:25:08 > 0:25:11I also love the response of Londoners.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15Shall we help him?" "Nah. Let's put him on YouTube!"
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Imagine him the next morning.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21"It's really weird, it's like I've got a hangover in my legs."
0:25:23 > 0:25:27Mind you, if you think that's shocking, have a look at this.
0:25:27 > 0:25:3124-year-old Minhee Cho visited her local New York Papa John's
0:25:31 > 0:25:32for a Friday night dinner.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35What she got was casual racism.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Cho noticed the receipt she received with her order gave her name as
0:25:38 > 0:25:41"lady chinky eyes".
0:25:43 > 0:25:48"Lady chinky eyes"? Who works there, Nick Griffin?
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Mind you, they are bastards. Look what I got when I went there.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- What's your name?- My name's Apes.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Apes. A-P-E-S?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10How are YOU, mate?
0:26:10 > 0:26:13- What's your name?- Tim.- Would you ever dress up like that, Tim?
0:26:14 > 0:26:16I'll tell you afterwards.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING
0:26:18 > 0:26:22So, why do you think you should be in the news, you silver fox?
0:26:22 > 0:26:26I should be in the news because instead of boiling your carrots
0:26:26 > 0:26:29to death this Christmas just to get some orange on your plate,
0:26:29 > 0:26:32you can now play Christmas carols with them.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Like this.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39HE PLAYS "DING DONG MERRILY ON HIGH"
0:26:39 > 0:26:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:49 > 0:26:53Am I awake? What is happening? What are you doing, man?
0:26:53 > 0:26:56You're playing a carrot like it's a flute.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- I am playing a carrot, yeah.- Why?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Because that's what a carrot is for.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04What else would you do with it?
0:27:04 > 0:27:06There's many things you could do with that carrot.
0:27:06 > 0:27:07APES LAUGHS
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Dirty bitch.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20It's time for my stand-up guest. You may recognise her from Extras.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22She is also a very funny stand-up.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26Please welcome to the stage the wonderful Francesca Martinez.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:36 > 0:27:42Hello. Hello. So nice to be here. Hello. As you can see,
0:27:42 > 0:27:46I'm a bit wobbly.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50Don't you love the word wobbly? I think it's so cool.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54I think we should have more positive names for conditions.
0:27:54 > 0:27:59You know, like, instead of something really horrible like schizophrenic,
0:27:59 > 0:28:03why don't we just say overly imaginative!
0:28:03 > 0:28:08Claustrophobic - nature lover!
0:28:08 > 0:28:12Mentally retarded - Sarah Palin!
0:28:18 > 0:28:22Or again, I love this one. My friend, he is wobbly too
0:28:22 > 0:28:27and he calls himself neurologically inconsistent!
0:28:27 > 0:28:29LAUGHTER
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Which is great, but bloody hard to say
0:28:32 > 0:28:35if you have a speech impediment.
0:28:35 > 0:28:39Actually, so is speech impediment, isn't it?
0:28:39 > 0:28:43Don't you think they should have called that something a bit easier?
0:28:43 > 0:28:48Like, "I have a...ughh."
0:28:49 > 0:28:52I am a local girl. I love London.
0:28:52 > 0:28:57But where I live, the schoolkids love to imitate the way I walk.
0:28:57 > 0:29:01And my dad goes mad. He stomps up to them
0:29:01 > 0:29:05shouting, "No! This is how you do it."
0:29:07 > 0:29:12Thanks, Dad! But I do love kids, because kids are really honest.
0:29:12 > 0:29:18When I was at school, yeah, they always asked me lots of questions.
0:29:18 > 0:29:23And their favourite one was this. "Can you have sex?"
0:29:23 > 0:29:26I was like, "I'm only 11!
0:29:26 > 0:29:30"And I don't live in Essex!"
0:29:38 > 0:29:42But seriously, guys, I've got cerebral palsy. I call it CP,
0:29:42 > 0:29:45because, well, I'm lazy!
0:29:45 > 0:29:48I've no idea what you think, right, about my CP
0:29:48 > 0:29:51but it goes up and down a lot!
0:29:51 > 0:29:56Like, for example, when there is a really long queue at the airport,
0:29:56 > 0:29:58it gets worse!
0:29:59 > 0:30:01You get the picture!
0:30:01 > 0:30:06But it's good. I've actually been touring Australia this year
0:30:06 > 0:30:09and I love the Australians. They are really direct,
0:30:09 > 0:30:11cos I don't do chit chat well.
0:30:11 > 0:30:15And I met this woman in Adelaide.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17And I don't know why but I said to her,
0:30:17 > 0:30:21"What do you think the meaning of life is?"
0:30:21 > 0:30:22As you do!
0:30:22 > 0:30:28And she said, "I think the meaning of life is balance."
0:30:28 > 0:30:31I was like, "Well, I am fucked!"
0:30:33 > 0:30:34"Thanks, love!"
0:30:39 > 0:30:43I had such a good time in Australia.
0:30:43 > 0:30:45I started at the Adelaide Fringe
0:30:45 > 0:30:48and it was great, but I've got to tell you
0:30:48 > 0:30:54halfway through the Fringe, my God, my boyfriend injured his leg.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57And he couldn't walk, and I was like,
0:30:57 > 0:31:02"This was not the deal here. You cannot be disabled.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05"I am not a carer!
0:31:05 > 0:31:07"I am caring!"
0:31:07 > 0:31:11We are at that stage where we're thinking about having kids.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14I love kids, but I also love my sleep.
0:31:14 > 0:31:21Seriously, guys, I have to set my alarm to get up at noon. Awful!
0:31:21 > 0:31:24And I actually went to my doctor recently to see if there was
0:31:24 > 0:31:30a medical reason, like, is it because of my CP?
0:31:30 > 0:31:33She said, "No! You are just a lazy cow!"
0:31:33 > 0:31:39I know! But luckily though, I have found a brilliant form
0:31:39 > 0:31:41of contraception. Oh, yeah.
0:31:41 > 0:31:45It's when I put a condom on my boyfriend,
0:31:45 > 0:31:49because the amount my hand shakes, it's all over before it begins!
0:31:53 > 0:31:56CHEERING
0:31:58 > 0:32:03But it's weird, guys, because I'm always defined by what I can't do
0:32:03 > 0:32:06- disabled. But we all have things we can and can't do, don't we?
0:32:06 > 0:32:10Have you ever met a normal person? Where are they?
0:32:10 > 0:32:14This is great. The best answer I ever heard to this question,
0:32:14 > 0:32:18I asked a guy what normal was to him.
0:32:18 > 0:32:23And he said normal is a cycle on a washing machine.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26How cool is that?
0:32:26 > 0:32:34It really annoys me how society defines people by a single aspect
0:32:34 > 0:32:39that differs from the norm, like gay or disabled,
0:32:39 > 0:32:41because surely that applies to everybody?
0:32:41 > 0:32:46I found out OK, apparently,
0:32:46 > 0:32:51it's normal to only poo once a day.
0:32:51 > 0:32:55I poo twice a day!
0:32:55 > 0:32:59So should I have to come out?
0:33:00 > 0:33:02As a multiple shitter?
0:33:05 > 0:33:07I don't know!
0:33:12 > 0:33:15I did used to be really ashamed of my pooing habits.
0:33:15 > 0:33:19Now I march in Poo Pride every year!
0:33:19 > 0:33:23But I don't know. I guess it's weird that there is so much pressure on us
0:33:23 > 0:33:26to be normal, isn't there?
0:33:26 > 0:33:30Like, this is really sad, but I heard that in Britain,
0:33:30 > 0:33:34most couples still choose to have an abortion when they find out
0:33:34 > 0:33:40their baby will be disabled, so, it is really great to be here!
0:33:47 > 0:33:51You know, the truth of that, when I was a kid, I felt totally normal.
0:33:51 > 0:33:56Seriously, I had no concept of what I could not do.
0:33:56 > 0:34:01My favourite game in the whole world was ringing on doorbells
0:34:01 > 0:34:03and running away! Oh, yeah!
0:34:03 > 0:34:05Except, I used to ring the bell,
0:34:05 > 0:34:09turn to run and go, "Shit!"
0:34:09 > 0:34:13One day, this huge man came running out of his house
0:34:13 > 0:34:16and grabbed me and I was so scared.
0:34:16 > 0:34:20I pooed myself, for the third time that day!
0:34:22 > 0:34:26But I was very happy. My parents were great.
0:34:26 > 0:34:28I heard that apparently,
0:34:28 > 0:34:32a lot of parents when they find out their child is disabled,
0:34:32 > 0:34:36they experience a real sense of loss, you know,
0:34:36 > 0:34:39so I wondered if my mum felt this.
0:34:39 > 0:34:45So a few years ago, I said to her, "Mum, did you ever feel, you know,
0:34:45 > 0:34:48"disappointed when you found out I was wobbly?"
0:34:48 > 0:34:53She said, "No! I was just so excited about the free parking!"
0:34:55 > 0:34:58I went to an all-girls' school, right?
0:34:58 > 0:35:00I don't know if you know about it,
0:35:00 > 0:35:04but when you put teenage girls together, they become bitches!
0:35:04 > 0:35:09The girls in my class used to say stuff like,
0:35:09 > 0:35:12"Francesca, no-one will ever go out with you.
0:35:12 > 0:35:17"Well, apart from someone like Jesus!"
0:35:20 > 0:35:22I'd be like, "Who would I prefer?
0:35:22 > 0:35:27"Jesus, son of God, or your boyfriend Barry...
0:35:27 > 0:35:32"..son of... Well, no-one knows really!"
0:35:32 > 0:35:36And it wasn't just the girls. My teachers were worse.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39My PE teacher, my God!
0:35:39 > 0:35:41Bulging biceps.
0:35:41 > 0:35:45Iron six-pack. Well-trimmed moustache. She was a bitch!
0:35:47 > 0:35:53Seriously, you'd think that having cerebral palsy would be a good reason
0:35:53 > 0:35:57not to play netball, wouldn't you?
0:35:57 > 0:36:01I remember giving my teacher notes that said,
0:36:01 > 0:36:06"Francesca can't play netball today. She is brain damaged."
0:36:06 > 0:36:10And my teacher said, "Get on the field, you lazy bitch!"
0:36:10 > 0:36:14She tried telling me it was all in my head!
0:36:15 > 0:36:16It is!
0:36:18 > 0:36:22But luckily for me, when I was 14,
0:36:22 > 0:36:25I got a part on Grange Hill
0:36:25 > 0:36:29and Grange Hill was amazing. The best thing was this.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32I did it for five years
0:36:32 > 0:36:37and I got to miss school nine months of the year, legally!
0:36:37 > 0:36:39Yeah!
0:36:42 > 0:36:46Grange Hill was great and the ritual bolstered my confidence,
0:36:46 > 0:36:51but still, if I am honest, I still wish I was normal
0:36:51 > 0:36:54and here's what totally changed my life.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57Because, I was about 18 and I was in a pub
0:36:57 > 0:37:00and I met a guy called William.
0:37:00 > 0:37:02And I don't know how this came up, right,
0:37:02 > 0:37:05but I said to him, "I'm brain damaged."
0:37:05 > 0:37:07As you do!
0:37:07 > 0:37:11And he said, "What?" I said, "I am brain damaged."
0:37:11 > 0:37:16He said, "What?" I said, "Are you deaf? I am brain damaged."
0:37:16 > 0:37:21He said, "No, you're not, that's just a label other humans have made up
0:37:21 > 0:37:25"to define you. You are perfectly you."
0:37:25 > 0:37:29And I said, "I fucking love you!"
0:37:29 > 0:37:33But I wasn't quite convinced, so I said to him
0:37:33 > 0:37:35"You know, I do things differently."
0:37:35 > 0:37:40And he said, "Like what?" And I said, "Like walking!"
0:37:40 > 0:37:44And he said everybody walks differently.
0:37:44 > 0:37:47And I said, "I want your baby now!"
0:37:48 > 0:37:53Anyway, he turned out to be an arsehole!
0:37:53 > 0:37:56Yeah! OK, he broke my heart
0:37:56 > 0:37:58but he changed my life and he did,
0:37:58 > 0:38:01because for the first time in so long,
0:38:01 > 0:38:03I didn't feel wrong or abnormal,
0:38:03 > 0:38:06or faulty, I just felt like me.
0:38:06 > 0:38:10It was amazing. It changed my life.
0:38:10 > 0:38:14And a really good example is, I used to hate my walk
0:38:14 > 0:38:17and then I was like, "I am going to love my walk,"
0:38:17 > 0:38:22and then I got cast in Extras with Ricky Gervais,
0:38:22 > 0:38:24don't know if you saw it,
0:38:24 > 0:38:28but Ricky basically ripped the piss out of my walk.
0:38:28 > 0:38:32And I realised, not only is my walk hilarious,
0:38:32 > 0:38:35it's a fucking goldmine!
0:38:35 > 0:38:41But I think it's really hard to embrace your imperfections
0:38:41 > 0:38:46in this world, especially with the media. It's hard, isn't it?
0:38:46 > 0:38:50The celebrity magazines, they are so bitchy.
0:38:50 > 0:38:54You wonder what kind of person would work for them, you know?
0:38:54 > 0:38:57"Hello, Eileen. What have you done today?"
0:38:57 > 0:39:03"Well, today I put red rings round Beyonce's cellulite
0:39:03 > 0:39:09"and wrote a bitchy comment." "Well, thank fuck you were born!"
0:39:11 > 0:39:13I mean...
0:39:19 > 0:39:23I think they should do a test for that when you are pregnant.
0:39:23 > 0:39:27I am really sorry, but your baby girl will be deformed -
0:39:27 > 0:39:30spiritually!
0:39:30 > 0:39:34By the way, I was thinking the other day, "Shit, if I got famous
0:39:34 > 0:39:39"I would be in trouble because I couldn't just put on sunglasses
0:39:39 > 0:39:43"to disguise myself, could I?"
0:39:43 > 0:39:45So I have been thinking about this,
0:39:45 > 0:39:49because I have got a lot of time on my hands
0:39:49 > 0:39:52and I figure, what I'd have to do
0:39:52 > 0:39:56is employ a group of wobbly decoys
0:39:56 > 0:39:59and send them out.
0:39:59 > 0:40:03Maybe a job for Lindsay Lohan. Yeah!
0:40:04 > 0:40:10I have to tell you this. For the past two years, the same two
0:40:10 > 0:40:13Jehovah Witnesses have knocked on my door.
0:40:13 > 0:40:18The last time was around May, right, and I opened the door
0:40:18 > 0:40:24and the woman says to me, "Hello! Is your mummy in?"
0:40:24 > 0:40:29And I said, "Yes, she is upstairs reading the God Delusion!"
0:40:29 > 0:40:32And then, right, the man says to me,
0:40:32 > 0:40:38"We have been praying for you." And I said, "Well, I have actually
0:40:38 > 0:40:43"felt a bit more coordinated recently. Thanks."
0:40:43 > 0:40:48And then, right, the woman says to me, "What's wrong with you?
0:40:48 > 0:40:52"Why do you walk so badly?" And, OK, I should not have said this,
0:40:52 > 0:40:57but I said, "Oh no. No, I am not disabled.
0:40:57 > 0:41:01"My boyfriend just has a really big cock!"
0:41:09 > 0:41:11They haven't been back!
0:41:11 > 0:41:14By the way, my boyfriend loves that joke!
0:41:14 > 0:41:18You guys, you have been really lovely.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21Thank you so much for having me. If I don't see you again,
0:41:21 > 0:41:25have a great life! You know!
0:41:25 > 0:41:27Thank you so much.
0:41:27 > 0:41:30CHEERING
0:41:33 > 0:41:37Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Francesca Martinez.
0:41:37 > 0:41:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:39 > 0:41:42Thanks very much for watching Good News. Good night.
0:42:03 > 0:42:08Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd