0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:21 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Hello. OK. Thank you very much.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Hello. Hello. Hello.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40- LAUGHS - Stop it!
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Hello and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?
0:00:44 > 0:00:48In political news, Nick Clegg threatened to orgasm live on TV.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Um, over halfway...
0:00:50 > 0:00:52AUDIENCE GROANS
0:00:52 > 0:00:57Is it me, or does Sarah Hewson read like a six-year-old girl?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00If you missed any of the interviews,
0:01:00 > 0:01:03they are all on the Sky News iPad app already.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Now, here's a question for you.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Did anyone else see that bloke on Newsnight drawing on his cock?
0:01:09 > 0:01:12It's gone down but more people are drifting away from it.
0:01:12 > 0:01:18BBC Spotlight interviewed the most Bristolian man EVER.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21We was in Dunkirk, and all that, so we had the spirit
0:01:21 > 0:01:23and, y'know, were transported over.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29And, finally, did anyone else see that reporter turn to stone?
0:01:29 > 0:01:32They say Catholic schools leave room for the Holy Ghost.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Anyway, there is a lot of memories to get out.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38MUSIC: "Tubular Bells" as Exorcist Theme by Mike Oldfield
0:01:38 > 0:01:41VOICES DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC
0:01:44 > 0:01:46APPLAUSE
0:01:50 > 0:01:54So, what's been going on? I tell you what, the weather's been shocking!
0:01:54 > 0:01:56The worst storm in more than 30 years.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Parts of the UK were battered with more heavy rain...
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Trees blown down...
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Flats on the brink of collapse.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Whole streets were flooded! Some people cried.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Others did this.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Yeah! Flooded!
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-ey!
0:02:17 > 0:02:22Yay! It's a good job it wasn't a fire! Let's have a barbecue!
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Not that Sky were any better.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Did they focus on the destruction, the heartache? No!
0:02:30 > 0:02:32They showed THIS!
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Our cameraman went out and spotted a little family
0:02:35 > 0:02:38of water voles nestling on a stone bridge.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39- AUDIENCE:- Aw!
0:02:39 > 0:02:44Don't, "Aw"! "My life is ruined." "Yeah, but look at his face!
0:02:46 > 0:02:51- "He's a water vole." - GIBBERS
0:02:51 > 0:02:52It's madness!
0:02:52 > 0:02:55If you're going to show animals in the flood,
0:02:55 > 0:02:56SURELY you pick these two!
0:02:59 > 0:03:01If you're doing it, do it properly.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Mind you, if you think that's bad,
0:03:03 > 0:03:05look what one of them found in the river.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Do you know who I feel sorry for when it rains? Reporters.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Do they have them in the studio, nice and warm,
0:03:15 > 0:03:17talking about the weather?
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Oh, no.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21This would normally be one of the busiest streets in York -
0:03:21 > 0:03:22a hive of activity.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Mind you, it could be worse.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26He could be a journalist in the Philippines.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Thousand of Filipinos are struggling to get their lives back.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Now, as you can see, the floodwater has not receded in many areas.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Now, one of the oddest stories came from Scotland.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Did you see what happened to the sea in Aberdeen?
0:03:38 > 0:03:42The sea is churning up what appears to be sort of comedy foam.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46Christ, I haven't seen stuff that white and scary since this!
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Be careful, Ben!
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Now, here in Britain, JK Rowling has picked up her pen once more.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02JK Rowling is perhaps the most famous living writer in the world.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Now, she's opening a new chapter
0:04:04 > 0:04:08in her literary life with her first novel aimed at an adult audience.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12A book for adults?! That's going to freak out the kids, isn't it?
0:04:12 > 0:04:17"Ron moaned as he took Hermione up the Gryffindor.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25"If only she'd worked harder on her Defence against the Dark Arts.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32"Meanwhile, Harry had caught the Snitch.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36"He vowed he would never again sleep with a prostitute."
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Have you seen what it's called?
0:04:44 > 0:04:48The Casual Vacancy is a story set in a small English town.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51The Casual Vacancy?!
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Surely if she's going to write an adult book,
0:04:53 > 0:04:54she should have gone for this.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03There's more.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12Or my personal favourite.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25AS DOBBY: Mr Harry should never have given me a sock!
0:05:30 > 0:05:33And the big sporting story of the week was this.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Chelsea captain John Terry has been banned for four matches
0:05:36 > 0:05:39and fined £220,000
0:05:39 > 0:05:42for racially abusing the QPR defender Anton Ferdinand.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Well, that's taught him a lesson, hasn't it(?)
0:05:44 > 0:05:47He racially abused a black footballer and all that happens -
0:05:47 > 0:05:51he gets fined a week's wages and given a two-week holiday.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54What next? Ten minutes on the naughty step?
0:05:54 > 0:05:56It's insane. Imagine that in your work.
0:05:56 > 0:06:01Imagine having a job where you get a holiday if you're racist?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Boss, I really need Christmas off.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07"I'm sorry, Russ, we just can't spare you." Oh, please.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Oh, come on.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Oh, me love you long time.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16"Oh, go on, then. Go on then.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19"Off you go."
0:06:24 > 0:06:27The big health news was all about a show on Channel 4.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31What does ecstasy actually do to the brain?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Tonight, no politics, no propaganda,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37just the unvarnished scientific truth.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40We show you what happens when a group of volunteers
0:06:40 > 0:06:44is given 83 milligrams of specially prepared ecstasy.
0:06:44 > 0:06:49They give people MDMA live on telly. Some people loved it.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53It's like everything wonderful and good about a person you see.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Aw!
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Others, not so sure.
0:07:10 > 0:07:15Fisting?! Jesus! No wonder ravers pull faces like this!
0:07:18 > 0:07:23Did you watch the show? The guests were so dull. MPs, priests...
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Surely if you're going to give anyone ecstasy live on telly,
0:07:26 > 0:07:27you pick this guy.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Wouldn't that be amazing? Imagine him on drugs!
0:07:32 > 0:07:34He's pretty strange when he's sober.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37So I'd certainly say, "Oh, no, turn right. Watch the chickens."
0:07:37 > 0:07:40MIMICS CHICKEN
0:07:40 > 0:07:42TARZAN YELL
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Another thing that was annoying,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46they only showed them when they were high.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Channel 4 missed a trick. They should have shown THIS the next day.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53SOBBING
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Oh...
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Now, it wasn't just the guests getting high.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Did you read about Jon Snow?
0:08:13 > 0:08:18Imagine driving on acid. How scary would that be? "Oh....
0:08:19 > 0:08:23"Oh...the world is shrinking.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26"I've just seen a Little Chef."
0:08:32 > 0:08:36So where did Jon Snow's binge take place? Was it in a crack den?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Was it backstage with Pete Doherty?
0:08:38 > 0:08:41No, I'd argue this is the most middle-class drug story ever!
0:08:46 > 0:08:49They've spiked the flan, man!
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Who's their dealer? Mr Kipling(?)
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Mind you, it could've been worse. Somebody sprinkled vol-au-vents
0:08:58 > 0:09:00with acid and turned this guy into a goat.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07BELLOWS LIKE A GOAT
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Next up... God, I love this story, right?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16You probably knew that George Michael was in a coma this year.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18But I bet you didn't know this.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29Oh, I can't tell you how much I wanted to see that.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Imagine the moment he came round? "Are you OK, George?"
0:09:32 > 0:09:33- WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:- "OK?
0:09:33 > 0:09:37"Oi feel great. Lush, you daft bugalug."
0:09:37 > 0:09:38It would have been AMAZING.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41But I think the reason why I love this story so much
0:09:41 > 0:09:44is because of the reaction of the hospital staff.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47WOMAN QUOTES: "My doctors were worried that I had this condition."
0:09:47 > 0:09:48This is incredible, right.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Look at what the doctors screamed
0:09:50 > 0:09:53when they heard his Bristolian accent.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56"They were saying, 'Oh, my god, he's got brain damage.'"
0:09:59 > 0:10:00He's got brain damage.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Christ, let's hope this bloke NEVER goes there.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07We was in Dunkirk and all that. We had the spirit...
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Mind you, George's accent is nothing.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12You should've seen the time my nan woke from a coma.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15MONITOR BEEPS
0:10:15 > 0:10:18MALE WEST INDIAN VOICE: Wha' go' on?
0:10:18 > 0:10:22Me a feel better, man.
0:10:22 > 0:10:29Oh, please tell me, I haven't missed the new series of Downton Abbey?
0:10:29 > 0:10:30I taped it.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Ah, Ras Tafari!
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Some cracking stories about pensioners in the news.
0:10:41 > 0:10:46First up, two sweet old ladies with possibly the dullest hobby ever!
0:10:46 > 0:10:49The Ladies Who Bus, the nickname two women
0:10:49 > 0:10:53have given themselves as they enjoy retirement in their own special way.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57Because Jo and Linda have decided they want to travel
0:10:57 > 0:11:00every London bus route from start to finish.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04They're spending their retirement on London buses! "Oh, look a stabbing."
0:11:06 > 0:11:10"Oh, a teenager getting fingered against a bin." "Whey-hey."
0:11:11 > 0:11:16Maybe I'm being cruel. Maybe they've seen some truly incredible sights.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19They even spotted a peach tree growing in an allotment
0:11:19 > 0:11:21and somewhere where you can buy horse manure.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Holy SHIT!
0:11:24 > 0:11:29Did you hear that? A peach tree! A peach tree!
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Horse manure(!)
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Mind you, these old ladies might LOVE public transport
0:11:35 > 0:11:37but they've got NOTHING on this guy.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Oh, right, look at that! A 1953 EA.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46HORN BLARES Oh, my God! Whoo!
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Listen to that horn!
0:11:48 > 0:11:49HORN BLARES
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Oh, my God! Oh, she's beautiful! She is beautiful. Yeah!
0:11:53 > 0:11:54HORN BLARES
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Oh, right! Oh, my. Oh, uh...
0:11:57 > 0:11:59HORN BLARES
0:11:59 > 0:12:02A 302 too!
0:12:02 > 0:12:08Oh, oh, the SNC 52! Oh, my God! Oh, we're going to watch this.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Oh, this is special.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14That... That is joy.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17From trains to androids.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Have a look at the latest technology for pensioners.
0:12:26 > 0:12:34- Aw.- Don't, "Ah!" Poor robots! - ROBOTIC:- "Will I work at NASA?"
0:12:34 > 0:12:38"No, you are going to watch Loose Women with me!"
0:12:39 > 0:12:41"Oh...
0:12:41 > 0:12:44"kill me."
0:12:44 > 0:12:45Mind you, on the flip side,
0:12:45 > 0:12:47let's see dickheads attack pensioners now.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51"Give us your purse, old lady." "Robot, fuck 'im up."
0:12:53 > 0:12:55They don't just protect. Look what else they do.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05I would like to see a robot tell a joke. Wouldn't that be great?
0:13:05 > 0:13:09"Knock knock." "Oh, all right. Who's there?"
0:13:09 > 0:13:12"Nobody, you're lonely."
0:13:17 > 0:13:18ROBOTIC CACKLE
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Mind you, I know one old couple who won't need a robot for company.
0:13:25 > 0:13:26Check out this heart-warmer.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32- Aw.- Exactly. It's lovely, isn't it?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Although did you see them interviewed?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Between you and me, I think he's more into her.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40So all those years ago was it love at first sight for Jack
0:13:40 > 0:13:43and Roma Emerton from Leyland?
0:13:43 > 0:13:44When I looked into her eyes that was it.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46No.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Not for me. So, why wasn't she sure?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53- Why?- He had ginger hair.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Vicious wench!
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Don't cheer! Don't cheer!
0:14:02 > 0:14:06He's expressing his undying love and she's like,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09"Oh, he were a bloody Fanta pant.
0:14:10 > 0:14:15"Oh, oh, oh, he were like a vole drowned in Tizer. It were...
0:14:19 > 0:14:20"It were..."
0:14:20 > 0:14:21LAUGHS
0:14:21 > 0:14:24"..It were like a squirrel choking on Wotsit after Wotsit."
0:14:26 > 0:14:30Mind you, if you think she's harsh - check out this lunatic!
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Police say Audrey Dean Miller was arguing with her husband
0:14:33 > 0:14:37and when he threatened to shoot their cat with a pellet gun, well,
0:14:37 > 0:14:39she pulled out something a little bit bigger -
0:14:39 > 0:14:43a 40 calibre semi-automatic handgun - and shot him in the stomach.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Oh, yes! She shot him. Apparently the cat couldn't believe it.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52I want to know why shoot a cat?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55If you're annoyed with the cat, you don't need a gun!
0:14:55 > 0:14:57All you need is a paddling pool!
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Grrr!
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Big news in the world of politics this week was this.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Coming to a screen near you - Ed Miliband, the Movie.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Ed Miliband, the Movie! I've seen a sneak preview.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27You've never seen action like this before!
0:15:29 > 0:15:30Ed Miliband in...
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Still, it's not the film I want to see.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54There'll be a mystery guest who's been in the news.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57I have to figure out who that person is. Please welcome my mystery guest.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:05 > 0:16:09- Hello. How are you doing?- Very well.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13- I'm Russell. Nice to meet you. - I'm Rachel.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- Hello. Rachel?- Yes.- I'm Frankie. - Hello, Frankie, nice to meet you.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Excellent. R-r-r-right! OK.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21You don't appear to have bottoms on.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25And sort of ballet dresses. Is that a bit of ballet going on?
0:16:25 > 0:16:29- Maybe.- Maybe.- Something similar. - Something similar to ballet?- Yeah.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33Er, and what's that? Is that cocaine? Can we see it?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- Are you the most hyperactive ballerinas in Europe?- Yeah.- Um...
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- Maybe there's something in the other locker.- What? This locker here?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41- Yeah, maybe try that. - Jesus, Warwick Davis!
0:16:43 > 0:16:47We've got... What's this caper here?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Whenever I see stuff like that, I imagine... This is quite rude.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52I imagine this is what happens when a clown ejaculates.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00INDISTINCT COMMENT
0:17:00 > 0:17:04Right. Can I have some other clues other than this?
0:17:04 > 0:17:06- Yeah.- There's a flag. Are you Olympic athletes?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- Yes, we are.- Are you really? Fantastic. Excellent.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Well, one cheer.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12CHEERING
0:17:14 > 0:17:15Um... Um...
0:17:15 > 0:17:20Um, you weren't the Swedish girls that got it on with Usain Bolt?
0:17:20 > 0:17:24- Er, no, sorry.- You looked genuinely disappointed.- Fortunately not, no.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28- You're gymnasts.- Yes.- Why have you been in the news specifically?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Um, because we were the first team
0:17:30 > 0:17:33to get to the Olympics from Great Britain for rhythmic gymnastics.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Awesome. So there you go.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:40 > 0:17:41What? What? What? Yes, by all means.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45But one quick question. I just found this in the locker.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47- LAUGHTER - Explain yourself, ladies.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- Is this for me?- No.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- Why are they...? What are those? - WOMAN:- Put them over your jeans!
0:17:53 > 0:17:57- Put them over my jeans?- They're not ours.- No? Why are they in there?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Well, they're there.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- Can I keep these for my friend Carl? - Yes.- Excellent.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05He's a renowned pervert.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- You'll have these, won't you? - Yeah.- Yeah. There you go.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Look at the camera, say, "I'm a pervert" and you can have them.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13I'm a pervert.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15LAUGHTER
0:18:21 > 0:18:25All right. Um, what smashing blouses, you look wonderful.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29- Thank you.- Um, this feels like the weirdest speed date ever.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Tell me about rhythmic gymnastics. What happens?
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Basically most people know about the gymnastics with the flips
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- and the tumbles. - Yeah.- We're more artistic.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40We dance with music and we have to be expressive.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43We're actually in a team and we throw the apparatus to each other.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47What was the Olympic Village like? Were lots of shenanigans going on?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Apparently thousands of condoms are handed out. Is that right?
0:18:49 > 0:18:53- That's correct.- Yeah. Pretty much.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Every sport? I'm not sure chess is in the Olympics
0:18:55 > 0:18:58but I can't imagine someone going, "I'll take a couple of these."
0:18:58 > 0:19:02- Are we going to have a go? I'd quite like to have a go.- Yeah. Yeah.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04- First we'll see a clip of us in action.- Awesome.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07MUSIC: "Dancing Song" by Little Comets
0:19:16 > 0:19:17# This one's for dancing. #
0:19:17 > 0:19:19APPLAUSE
0:19:19 > 0:19:23WOLF WHISTLING
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Here we... Here we are.
0:19:27 > 0:19:32Um... Um, I found this backstage, thought I'd wear it.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37- At first you need to put the stick in the middle of your hand.- Yup.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39And then put your finger on the end.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42We're going to do a thing called snakes. So you push it side to side.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- That's it. That's not bad. - That's all right, isn't it?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48- Try and go a little bit quicker. - Quicker? Oh, look at your snakes!
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Hang on, why is mine pink?
0:19:52 > 0:19:55OK, you're quite good. We'll try something harder.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59- We'll have a go with the ball. - Sweet.- Can you give me that?- Yeah.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01Nice.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06OK, so to begin with we're going to put it on the back of our neck.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07- OK.- Lean forward slightly.- Yup.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10And roll it down the back and catch behind.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11LAUGHTER
0:20:11 > 0:20:12- Almost. Once more.- Yup.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16- And roll.- Right, lovely.- That's it. Right, you're good at that.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- Yeah. Yeah. - So hold it in one hand.- Yeah.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Throw it up and catch it in one hand.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24Oh, that's easy.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28- Now you're going to throw it, sit down, catch it in your knees.- Lovely!
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Oh, I've never wanted to be a ball more in my life! There we go.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:41 > 0:20:43- OK, so you've got the hang of that. - Yes.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- So we're going to try it with music now.- Lovely!
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- So you're going to follow us.- Yup. - But if not, just freestyle.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50GUFFAWS
0:20:50 > 0:20:54- Lovely.- So, um, girls?- Girls?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57APPLAUSE
0:20:57 > 0:20:58So just stand there.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01OK.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03SEXY MUSIC PLAYS
0:21:11 > 0:21:13WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:21:23 > 0:21:25I've got a problem. All right, what are we doing?
0:21:27 > 0:21:28APPLAUSE
0:21:33 > 0:21:35What have I got to do?
0:21:35 > 0:21:38I can do that one.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- Yay! - APPLAUSE
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Wonderful!
0:21:52 > 0:21:54That was fantastic! Well done.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guests!
0:21:57 > 0:22:01CHEERING
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Some bizarre crime stories in the news.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09First up is a burglar on the loose.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Residents in these East Orlando apartment complexes
0:22:11 > 0:22:15have their guard up around the clock these days.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16For several weeks,
0:22:16 > 0:22:20a man who resembles this composite sketch has invaded their apartments
0:22:20 > 0:22:25through locked and unlocked doors or windows seeming to want one thing.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29(Shit! What does he want?)
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Good conversation.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32"Hello!"
0:22:34 > 0:22:38He's breaking into their house for a chat. What? Yeah, exactly.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40He's the loneliest criminal in the world.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42- "Hello." - MIMICS GUN COCKING
0:22:44 > 0:22:47"Would you like to play Scrabble with me?"
0:22:48 > 0:22:50It must've been great when he was arrested.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52"You have the right to remain silent." "Oh..."
0:22:55 > 0:22:57There may be some of you who think,
0:22:57 > 0:22:59"Russell, he still sounds terrifying." He is NOT!
0:22:59 > 0:23:03Listen to what happened when he broke into one woman's house.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06She simply told him to leave and he left.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08"Fuck off!" "OK.
0:23:10 > 0:23:11"Bye."
0:23:11 > 0:23:15- AUDIENCE:- Aw.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18"All I wanted was a chat but...
0:23:18 > 0:23:20"I suppose I'll just go home.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24"# All by myself
0:23:24 > 0:23:28"# Don't want to be... #"
0:23:29 > 0:23:32I feel a bit sorry for him. I mean, let's be honest,
0:23:32 > 0:23:36there are definitely worse people to break into your house.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Have a look at what this guy's been up to.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Officers say that he would break into homes in his neighbourhood,
0:23:42 > 0:23:43watch porn and then leave.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Now, THAT is a danger wank.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53He went in and stole nothing. He just watched porn on their laptops.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56He's like some kind of pervert Goldilocks.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58This porn was too soft.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01CHUCKLES
0:24:01 > 0:24:06This porn was too hard but THIS porn was JUST RIGHT!
0:24:08 > 0:24:11It's such a weird hobby, watching porn on other people's computers.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14I bet there were some brilliant arguments before they caught him.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Someone went, "Good day at work, Geoff?" "Yeah."
0:24:16 > 0:24:19"Oh, yeah, really? According to our internet history,
0:24:19 > 0:24:24"somebody has been watching Muggle Juggle 4 Backdoor Dumbledore!"
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Apparently it wasn't just porn. According to the police,
0:24:29 > 0:24:33he would also swing his penis around in front of the poor family's pets.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48Finally tonight, a story about a little girl called Rachel Beckwith
0:24:48 > 0:24:49and how even the worst possible tragedy
0:24:49 > 0:24:51can bring about something positive.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55SOMBRE PIANO MUSIC
0:25:19 > 0:25:21# Rachel's voice
0:25:23 > 0:25:26# Like the river's voice
0:25:28 > 0:25:31# For a mother's love... #
0:25:48 > 0:25:49It's six in the morning
0:25:49 > 0:25:52and we're about to go see some of Rachel's wells.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59LOCAL PEOPLE SINGING
0:25:59 > 0:26:02RHYTHMIC CLAPPING
0:26:03 > 0:26:06I am Richard. I am Rachel's grandfather.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08I really wish Rachel could be here today.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12Because first of all, Rachel would think that this is probably
0:26:12 > 0:26:14the neatest thing she'd ever seen in her entire life.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17APPLAUSE
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- Pretty lovely, eh? - APPLAUSE
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Now it's time for my stand-up guest.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05This man is fantastic. His name is Glenn Wool,
0:27:05 > 0:27:07he's travelled all over the world doing comedy
0:27:07 > 0:27:09and he's nailed pretty much every gig he's done.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11It's a genuine pleasure, so please go wild and crazy,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14and welcome the fantastic Mr Glenn Wool!
0:27:14 > 0:27:18APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Hello!
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Russell was correct. My name is Glenn.
0:27:25 > 0:27:32I'm actually Canadian, but I lived in London for ten years.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34And then three years ago
0:27:34 > 0:27:37I was approached by talent scouts from Hollywood
0:27:37 > 0:27:40who went "Oh, man.
0:27:40 > 0:27:45"You've got to come to California. We're going to make you a star!"
0:27:45 > 0:27:51So I said, "Goodbye, England, with your rainy fucking summers!
0:27:51 > 0:27:55"I used you and abused you
0:27:55 > 0:28:02"but I'm off to California to be famous!"
0:28:04 > 0:28:05So I'm back.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07LAUGHTER
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Yeah, it's really hard to be famous. Don't try it.
0:28:11 > 0:28:16Dreams are dead. Romance is dead.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22Humans, we don't know, we can't decide.
0:28:22 > 0:28:26Some of us... Some of us think we should be like swans.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32And mate for life.
0:28:32 > 0:28:36Have you heard that lie?
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Swans mate for life?
0:28:38 > 0:28:40It is not true.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42They fly away as soon as you let them go.
0:28:49 > 0:28:54With a look on their face that suggests they're not coming back.
0:28:56 > 0:29:01Two feet is a lot of neck to shake "no" with.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08They have the physical ability to turn around
0:29:08 > 0:29:12and look at what's happening, but they don't want to.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19Never take bread from a man with a little beard.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24It just makes you sleepy.
0:29:30 > 0:29:34We got our first five swan-fucking jokes out of the way!
0:29:36 > 0:29:42I say I'm back. I'm not legitimately back. I don't have a home.
0:29:42 > 0:29:43- CROWD:- Aww!
0:29:43 > 0:29:46No, it's cool, man. I feel sorry for you for having one.
0:29:49 > 0:29:50Homes suck.
0:29:50 > 0:29:55Now my only hassles in life are airport security,
0:29:55 > 0:29:57border guards and customs agents,
0:29:57 > 0:29:59which would be a good only problem to have
0:29:59 > 0:30:02if I looked normal, but I don't, I look like this.
0:30:02 > 0:30:06So I'm constantly been fucked with at the borders.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09And that bothers me, because I've been a comedian for 19 years now,
0:30:09 > 0:30:13and it used to be relatively easy to get across borders.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15And then 9/11 happened and it got like really hard,
0:30:15 > 0:30:17especially for people who look like me,
0:30:17 > 0:30:20which I don't understand because I don't remember
0:30:20 > 0:30:24a Lynyrd Skynyrd cover band having anything to do with the actions
0:30:24 > 0:30:26of that horrible day.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29But I'm constantly fucked with at the border.
0:30:29 > 0:30:32And I've got to tell them on the form that I'm a comedian,
0:30:32 > 0:30:36which no border guard ever in the history of time
0:30:36 > 0:30:40has ever been able to deal with maturely.
0:30:40 > 0:30:46It's always like, "Oh, a comedian, har-de-ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
0:30:46 > 0:30:47I once had a border guard
0:30:47 > 0:30:51look me straight in the eye and go, "A comedian?
0:30:51 > 0:30:53"What do your parents think of that?"
0:30:55 > 0:30:57What do my parents think of me?
0:30:57 > 0:31:00What do your parents think of you, you pretend cop?!
0:31:01 > 0:31:07As a comedian I travel the whole damn world making people laugh.
0:31:07 > 0:31:11That's one of the most difficult jobs on the planet!
0:31:11 > 0:31:17I know people who went to Oxford who can't do this job.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22A border guard, however,
0:31:22 > 0:31:24goes to bed every night
0:31:24 > 0:31:28knowing no matter how good they get at their job,
0:31:28 > 0:31:31a dog will always be better.
0:31:31 > 0:31:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:40 > 0:31:45I've had them telling me jokes before. That's creepy.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48When you find out what makes border guards laugh.
0:31:48 > 0:31:52Like I was coming into England, and the border guard's like,
0:31:52 > 0:31:54"You're a comedian, right?"
0:31:55 > 0:31:57"Here's one for you."
0:31:58 > 0:32:03"What is the only good thing
0:32:03 > 0:32:05"about paedophiles?"
0:32:08 > 0:32:14I was like, "I don't know. Sir."
0:32:14 > 0:32:18And he said, "You can be sure when they drive past schools
0:32:18 > 0:32:21"they will always respect the speed limit."
0:32:21 > 0:32:24CROWD GROANS
0:32:24 > 0:32:30And then he followed it up with, "You can use that."
0:32:32 > 0:32:39How the hell would I crowbar that joke into my act?!
0:32:41 > 0:32:44APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:32:49 > 0:32:54Yeah. Like I say, I go to America a lot, and I'm Canadian.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57I guess I'm supposed to dislike Americans.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59They're having a big election.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02- Do you care who wins? CROWD:- No.- "No!"
0:33:02 > 0:33:04Yeah, cos it will never affect you.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09I'm cheering for Obama, man.
0:33:09 > 0:33:11CHEERS
0:33:11 > 0:33:15Yeah, man. He shot Osama bin Laden.
0:33:16 > 0:33:20Look at you all sitting there like you were getting around to it!
0:33:20 > 0:33:25He shot Osama bin Laden, and that can't have been easy,
0:33:25 > 0:33:28because I thought for sure Pakistan was going to find him first!
0:33:31 > 0:33:34They did everything in their power.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36Up to but not including
0:33:36 > 0:33:39asking around and looking over fences!
0:33:42 > 0:33:44Yeah, man, they shot him right in the eye.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47Good. Eliminate that dickhead. I didn't like him.
0:33:47 > 0:33:51But then the American government did something really strange.
0:33:51 > 0:33:56They just hawked him in the ocean. I was like, what are you, the mafia?
0:33:56 > 0:33:58You can't just shoot a dude and throw him in the ocean,
0:33:58 > 0:34:01and if anybody asks, it's like, "What's that? Osama?
0:34:01 > 0:34:02"No, he's not coming round any more."
0:34:02 > 0:34:03SNIGGERS
0:34:06 > 0:34:09The rest of the world was just perplexed, man.
0:34:09 > 0:34:11"You shot him, you threw him in the ocean,
0:34:11 > 0:34:13"you didn't take any pictures or nothing?"
0:34:13 > 0:34:17They're like, "Oh, no, there's pictures. You just can't see them.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20"Trust us! He's dead! We're the government!
0:34:20 > 0:34:22"Have we ever lied before?"
0:34:24 > 0:34:27We're like, "How come we can't see those pictures?"
0:34:27 > 0:34:28"Oh, they're far too graphic."
0:34:28 > 0:34:30For who?!
0:34:30 > 0:34:34Have you seen video games in the last ten years?
0:34:34 > 0:34:36I think we can probably handle
0:34:36 > 0:34:38a picture of a dude who's been shot in the head.
0:34:38 > 0:34:43We've been watching zombies swallow grenades for a decade.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45Only problem is, it is probably not graphic enough.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48We're far too desensitised. You show us a picture,
0:34:48 > 0:34:51we'd just be like, "Oh, shot in the head? That doesn't kill you.
0:34:51 > 0:34:55"You just press X four times, come right back to life."
0:34:55 > 0:34:59But then I figured out why they won't show us those photos,
0:34:59 > 0:35:01and it's nothing as nefarious as people suggest.
0:35:01 > 0:35:03There is no conspiracy theory.
0:35:03 > 0:35:05The one shows those photographs
0:35:05 > 0:35:08because he was shot by the Navy SEALs.
0:35:08 > 0:35:13Now shooting Osama bin Laden to a Navy SEAL
0:35:13 > 0:35:19is tantamount to winning the Super Bowl ten times in a row.
0:35:19 > 0:35:20OK?
0:35:20 > 0:35:23That long helicopter ride with the corpse
0:35:23 > 0:35:27back to the aircraft carrier, the lads are pretty excited.
0:35:27 > 0:35:32By the time they got a photographer, that body, it had been desecrated.
0:35:33 > 0:35:37You got to think they were Weekend At Bernie-ing him
0:35:37 > 0:35:39around the deck of that ship.
0:35:39 > 0:35:40Like a puppet.
0:35:44 > 0:35:48# Born in the USA... #
0:35:48 > 0:35:52Every picture would just have been Osama on his own, in like,
0:35:52 > 0:35:54a Dolly Parton wig,
0:35:54 > 0:35:58wrapped in the Star Spangled Banner,
0:35:58 > 0:36:01martini glass in his hand,
0:36:01 > 0:36:04lipstick all over his lips,
0:36:04 > 0:36:07"I'm gay" written on his forehead.
0:36:07 > 0:36:11Bunch of Navy SEALs sheepishly standing around
0:36:11 > 0:36:15going "Uh, that's how he was dressed when we found him!"
0:36:17 > 0:36:20But you can't just throw people in the ocean
0:36:20 > 0:36:22just cos you didn't like them! But then the government got all hippy.
0:36:22 > 0:36:24They were like "We had to!"
0:36:25 > 0:36:27"We had to, OK?"
0:36:29 > 0:36:31"We didn't want to say this."
0:36:32 > 0:36:37"But we threw him in the ocean because we didn't..."
0:36:38 > 0:36:40"We didn't want his grave..."
0:36:41 > 0:36:47"..his grave to become a shrine."
0:36:48 > 0:36:50I'm like, "Doesn't that sound like a wonderful way
0:36:50 > 0:36:53"to catch other terrorists?"
0:36:57 > 0:37:00It's pretty hard to cover up what you were doing.
0:37:00 > 0:37:02"This is where he is buried? I didn't know that."
0:37:03 > 0:37:07"No, I bring wreath of flowers with me wherever I go.
0:37:07 > 0:37:09If I could just put down this plastic toy plane
0:37:09 > 0:37:12"and this game of Jenga, I will go home."
0:37:14 > 0:37:16APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:37:23 > 0:37:26I hope that didn't come across as insensitive.
0:37:26 > 0:37:28But here's the thing.
0:37:28 > 0:37:33You can be culturally insensitive, when you didn't even mean to be.
0:37:33 > 0:37:35Tell me, was this culturally insensitive?
0:37:35 > 0:37:39I was just in Abu Dhabi in the Middle East doing gigs,
0:37:39 > 0:37:42and they have the world's biggest mosque there,
0:37:42 > 0:37:47and when they say the world's biggest mosque, they are not kidding.
0:37:47 > 0:37:50It's fucking gigantic.
0:37:50 > 0:37:54And I just wasn't ready to see the world's biggest mosque,
0:37:54 > 0:37:59and the lady in the car went "Glenn, look to your left.
0:37:59 > 0:38:01"It's the world's biggest mosque!"
0:38:01 > 0:38:03And I went, "Jesus Christ!"
0:38:09 > 0:38:11Here's the question.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14Is it blasphemy if you say the wrong god?
0:38:16 > 0:38:18See, I didn't think it was blasphemy,
0:38:18 > 0:38:20because as I'm sure some of you know,
0:38:20 > 0:38:23and some of you will be very shocked to find out,
0:38:23 > 0:38:29it probably was blasphemy because Christ is actually in the Qu'ran.
0:38:29 > 0:38:30SILENCE
0:38:30 > 0:38:32I know!
0:38:32 > 0:38:34I was amazed when I found out, too!
0:38:34 > 0:38:37It's like when you see a superhero in a different comic book.
0:38:42 > 0:38:46"What, you guys like a little team now?
0:38:46 > 0:38:48"Who else is coming?!"
0:38:48 > 0:38:51Like, is Buddha going to show up in the Qu'ran
0:38:51 > 0:38:53and it'll be like a Justice League of the spiritual world,
0:38:53 > 0:38:56and they all fight crime together like the Avengers,
0:38:56 > 0:38:59like Buddha's belly-bucking everybody
0:38:59 > 0:39:02and Muhammad is like, "Jesus, do a miracle."
0:39:02 > 0:39:04And Jesus will slide in like the Silver Surfer
0:39:04 > 0:39:11and go, "Whoa, I turned the water into wine, yeah yeah."
0:39:11 > 0:39:15And then all the Muslims and the Qu'ran would be like...
0:39:15 > 0:39:17"Don't DO that!"
0:39:21 > 0:39:23"That's not a miracle!
0:39:23 > 0:39:26"This is the desert, and now we can drink that!"
0:39:30 > 0:39:33"You're not a miracle-worker, you're a nuisance!"
0:39:34 > 0:39:36"You're a nuisance-worker!"
0:39:40 > 0:39:42"Can you turn it back?"
0:39:44 > 0:39:48"Um...no."
0:39:50 > 0:39:53"No, I don't know how to do that part of the trick yet."
0:39:55 > 0:39:56"You know what,
0:39:56 > 0:39:58"I just hope that this isn't the first action
0:39:58 > 0:40:00"that causes a chain of events
0:40:00 > 0:40:03"that makes our two wonderful religions not get along any more!"
0:40:08 > 0:40:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:12 > 0:40:16If I was going to pick on anyone, I'd pick on the Buddhists.
0:40:16 > 0:40:17What are you gonna do?
0:40:19 > 0:40:21# Buddhist, Buddhist, Buddhist
0:40:21 > 0:40:24# Buddhist, Buddhist, Buddhist... #
0:40:24 > 0:40:26"You want me to stop poking you, Buddhist?
0:40:26 > 0:40:28"Stop poking you with my Buddhist poking stick?
0:40:28 > 0:40:30"Do you want me to stop? Do you want me to stop?
0:40:30 > 0:40:32"You're not supposed to want anything."
0:40:35 > 0:40:37I'm talking about all the major religions,
0:40:37 > 0:40:39they all act so persecuted nowadays.
0:40:39 > 0:40:42You see religious leaders of all different backgrounds
0:40:42 > 0:40:46on radio and television going "I don't get it, man.
0:40:46 > 0:40:48"The media...
0:40:48 > 0:40:51"The media is always on our case."
0:40:52 > 0:40:55"And we are merely about peace.
0:40:55 > 0:40:58"And love."
0:40:58 > 0:41:01And for the most part, those books ARE about peace and love.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03Until you get to the part in all of them
0:41:03 > 0:41:06where they teach you how to kill gay people!
0:41:06 > 0:41:09Well, that's not very peaceful or loving, is it?
0:41:09 > 0:41:10They get weird about it, too.
0:41:10 > 0:41:14They're like, "Take them to the city walls and kill them with a rock!"
0:41:16 > 0:41:18Gay people...
0:41:18 > 0:41:20Gay people should be quite flattered
0:41:20 > 0:41:22by the religious people's beliefs of them,
0:41:22 > 0:41:25because the religious believe that God controls everything.
0:41:25 > 0:41:27He makes everything.
0:41:27 > 0:41:30He can fight anything!
0:41:32 > 0:41:34Except his urge to make gay people.
0:41:37 > 0:41:39APPLAUSE
0:41:45 > 0:41:48Is he sitting up in heaven going, "Why am I doing this?"
0:41:53 > 0:41:56"I can't stop myself!
0:41:56 > 0:41:59"I just made some more!
0:41:59 > 0:42:02"I am such a little bitch."
0:42:03 > 0:42:05"I better get some breeders to kill them all."
0:42:05 > 0:42:10Folks, you've been nothing but wonderful. I have been Glenn Wool.
0:42:10 > 0:42:12Thank you!
0:42:12 > 0:42:15APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. And good night.
0:42:15 > 0:42:22- Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Glenn Wool! - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:42:23 > 0:42:25Thank you very much for watching Good News.
0:42:25 > 0:42:27Good night. Good night.
0:42:40 > 0:42:42Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd