0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29CHEERING
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Hello.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33So...
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Hello, and welcome to Good News. So what's been happening?
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Well, Eamonn Holmes told us what he thought of pensioners.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41I don't mind them as long as they don't poo.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43LAUGHTER
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Did anyone else see that reporter have an argument with himself?
0:00:47 > 0:00:49You're a douchebag. No, you are.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52No, your mother is. Don't talk about Mummy that way.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Now, is it me,
0:00:54 > 0:00:58or do the Ipswich town have a really complicated car share system?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00He'll pick me up, I'll pick him up,
0:01:00 > 0:01:02someone else will pick me up, I'll pick them up.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05The players pick you up, we've got to pick them up. That's how it is.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08Just get a bus!
0:01:10 > 0:01:12And finally, the BBC asked this bloke
0:01:12 > 0:01:14what the best programme on telly was.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15I think it's good news.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17- There we go. - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:23 > 0:01:27The big political news in Britain was all about one man.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. Fresh from his summer
0:01:30 > 0:01:33of Olympic, Paralympic and mayoral election success,
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Boris arrived to a circus of cameras and reporters
0:01:36 > 0:01:38normally reserved for rock stars.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42He was surrounded by a Boris-mania media circus.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45The last time I saw anyone get this sort of reception
0:01:45 > 0:01:48was when Muhammad Ali arrived. "Boris, Boris, we love you, Boris!"
0:01:48 > 0:01:49Crazy!
0:01:49 > 0:01:52LAUGHTER
0:01:52 > 0:01:55The country has gone Boris "crazy"!
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Did you see his conference speeches?
0:01:57 > 0:02:01He was amazing. Now, most MPs talk about policies. Not Boris.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04He talked about what he wants in his lunchbox.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Every single chocolate HobNob in the world!
0:02:09 > 0:02:11APPLAUSE
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Then he did an impression of a really happy Rasta.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- He looked and he said... - DEEP VOICE:- "Very nice!"
0:02:20 > 0:02:24But that is nothing on his plans for next summer.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27One thing that we have considered extensively
0:02:27 > 0:02:28is a politician's Olympics,
0:02:28 > 0:02:31where you'd have Jeremy Hunt wanging the bell-end...
0:02:31 > 0:02:34LAUGHTER
0:02:34 > 0:02:36APPLAUSE
0:02:43 > 0:02:46"Jeremy Hunt wanging the bell-end?!"
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Very nice!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Ha-ha! Now...
0:02:51 > 0:02:56I'll tell you who hasn't had a "very nice, very nice" week -
0:02:56 > 0:02:57this fella.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01The big news this morning is that the Prime Minister is now a tweeter.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05David Cameron is now on Twitter. Here's his first tweet.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Here's the first response.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Staying in politics, did you see the US presidential debate?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30President Obama lost his first debate
0:03:30 > 0:03:32with Republican Mitt Romney last night.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Romney controlled the conversation
0:03:34 > 0:03:37and, say many observers, the President let it happen,
0:03:37 > 0:03:39often looking like he didn't even want to be there.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43You're telling me! Did you see how many times he mumbled?
0:03:43 > 0:03:44Um...
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Er...
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Er...
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Uh...
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Er... Er...
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Er... Um...
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I have no idea what you're talking about.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58It's so weird watching Obama struggle. We're just not used to it.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01It's like seeing Lady Gaga just wearing a cardigan.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04"Dress-down Tuesday."
0:04:05 > 0:04:08What makes it weirder, it's normally Romney who cocks up.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11This is a man who during the worst economic slump in years
0:04:11 > 0:04:13says stuff like this.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15I'm not concerned about the very poor.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16I like being able to fire people.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18When I was a boy, I used to think
0:04:18 > 0:04:23that becoming rich and becoming famous would make me happy.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Boy, was I right!
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Boy, are you a dick!
0:04:27 > 0:04:33Luckily for Obama, one political heavyweight got right behind him.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35It's your boy, big Snoop D-O-G-G.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39King of the West Coast and you do know that, you bitch, you.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40Ha-ha!
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Snoop Dogg tweeted a list of reasons
0:04:43 > 0:04:46why people shouldn't vote for Romney, and they are brilliant.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Reason number one.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Number two.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58And my personal favourite.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Obama and Romney are making all the headlines,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07but it's worth pointing out, there are other candidates.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10This guy is without doubt my favourite. Why?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Because he's written a song.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Mr Supreme, your 30-second closing statement, please.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22MUSIC: "The Birdie Song"
0:05:22 > 0:05:24# My name is Vermin
0:05:24 > 0:05:26# My name is Vermin Vermin Supreme
0:05:26 > 0:05:28# My name is Vermin My name is Vermin
0:05:28 > 0:05:31# My name is Vermin Vermin Vermin Supreme.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34# And you can vote And you can vote
0:05:34 > 0:05:38# And you can vote for me for president (if you want to)... #
0:05:38 > 0:05:39LAUGHTER
0:05:39 > 0:05:43And, er... OK, thanks very much.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46He is incredible!
0:05:46 > 0:05:47CHEERING
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Obama and Romney are going to fix the economy,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56but will they promise this?
0:06:03 > 0:06:06That's right. He's going to travel back in time, kill Hitler,
0:06:06 > 0:06:10and he's going to do it with a welly on his head!
0:06:10 > 0:06:13And in case that isn't enough, he's got more.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22# I've got small ponies I've got small ponies
0:06:22 > 0:06:24# And they've got tiny little hooves if you like them... #
0:06:26 > 0:06:29People are saying he hasn't got a chance. Nonsense.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31I know one guy who's already a huge fan.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Elsewhere this week, bad news for this fella.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41After a legal battle lasting years and costing millions of pounds,
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Britain's most notorious terrorist suspect, Abu Hamza,
0:06:44 > 0:06:46has lost his last-ditch attempt
0:06:46 > 0:06:48to avoid extradition to the United States.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Or as the Sun put it...
0:06:52 > 0:06:53It wasn't just the Sun.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56People have been taking the piss out of him for years.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01LAUGHTER
0:07:02 > 0:07:05I bet when he was flown to America, even the pilot had a pop.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07"We are five minutes away from landing.
0:07:07 > 0:07:12" # If you're happy and you know it clap your... # Ahhhh!"
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Even the animal world slammed him.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Elsewhere this week, an old lady rang a medical hotline,
0:07:25 > 0:07:27and she got more than she bargained for.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Maureen Persi dialled a New Jersey state hotline
0:07:30 > 0:07:32for the elderly, but it got a little TOO hot.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Why?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38What happened?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40She got some frisky offers for phone sex.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44Right. Basically, the medical hotline changed its number,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46they didn't tell anyone,
0:07:46 > 0:07:50and the old number was taken by a phone sex company.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Poor old woman.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54"Hello, I'm having a stroke."
0:07:54 > 0:07:57"Well, baby, you come to the right place."
0:07:59 > 0:08:03She must've been so confused! "What's that, love?
0:08:03 > 0:08:05"That's right, I AM 69!"
0:08:10 > 0:08:12"You want to do what to my cat?"
0:08:17 > 0:08:20I shouldn't take the mickey. She was not happy.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23It was just so inappropriate and it was not what I was expecting.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25"It was not what I was expecting."
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Mind you, I know one bloke who called the number
0:08:27 > 0:08:29and he had a great time.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Very nice!
0:08:33 > 0:08:36APPLAUSE
0:08:36 > 0:08:39To be honest, I don't know what the old lady's moaning about.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42If she thinks she's had a tough week, she should look at this.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Firefighters were called out to rescue a man
0:08:44 > 0:08:48whose head was stuck in a public litter bin in Aberdeen.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51He was stuck in a bin for three hours!
0:08:51 > 0:08:55Three hours! So did the locals try and help him? Oh, no.
0:09:01 > 0:09:06They took photos of him! "Oh, look! Someone's thrown away a grandad!"
0:09:07 > 0:09:09"Let me out!"
0:09:10 > 0:09:12That's the problem with the world today.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15You make one mistake, the whole world knows about it.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17A few years ago, if you had an accident on a trampoline,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20it was between you and your mates. Not any more.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22OK, do it.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29CAMERAMAN LAUGHS
0:09:31 > 0:09:34LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Unbelievable!
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Mind you, a man stuck in a bin has got nothing on this.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53It was a pretty morning on Buckhorn Lake, but there was trouble.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55A squirrel was on the ice
0:09:55 > 0:10:00and something was on his head, like this six-ounce Yoplait yoghurt cup.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Over his head!
0:10:01 > 0:10:05This actually made the news. Forget the presidential debate,
0:10:05 > 0:10:09a squirrel has got a yoghurt pot on his head. I love this story.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Look how long the locals watched it for.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14People first noticed the stuck squirrel at 8.30am
0:10:14 > 0:10:16and watched him for seven and a half hours.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21How dull must their lives be?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23"Have you seen this?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26"This is the best day of my life."
0:10:26 > 0:10:30"This is better than the time I seen a meerkat in some Wotsits."
0:10:30 > 0:10:32The story gets madder. Look what they did next.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Neighbours feared the worst.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37I called animal control, the police and everything.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39They called the police!
0:10:39 > 0:10:41"A woman's getting mugged."
0:10:41 > 0:10:45"Sod that. We've got a squirrel eating a Muller Light. Go, go, go!"
0:10:45 > 0:10:47So how do they end the report?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Do they show the squirrel safe and well eating a nut in a tree?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53No! They get weirdly philosophical.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55A busy day on Buckhorn Lake, and it also answers
0:10:55 > 0:10:56the age-old burning question.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Is there a God? What happens when we die?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Do squirrels really like yoghurt?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03LAUGHTER
0:11:03 > 0:11:04Genius!
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Mind you, that squirrel should thank his lucky stars.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09There are worse things that can happen to your face.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Be careful, Ben!
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Over in China, there's been an amazing discovery.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23A TV crew was called to the village of Liucunbu
0:11:23 > 0:11:25after workers drilling a wall shaft
0:11:25 > 0:11:29found what they believed was a rare fungus.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30So...
0:11:30 > 0:11:32LAUGHTER
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Was it a brand-new fungus?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Oh, hell, no!
0:11:36 > 0:11:40It turns out the mushroom was actually a sex toy.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44They found a plastic fanny hammer.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Ain't nobody got time for that!
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Yeah!
0:11:49 > 0:11:51CHEERING
0:11:53 > 0:11:58Remind me to never go to China and order the mushroom risotto.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Imagine the moment they found out.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02"Behold, the rarest fungus known to man...
0:12:02 > 0:12:04"Oh, no, it's a dildo."
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Mind you, that story has got nothing on the latest sex craze in America.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Get ready for this. This is a headline you don't see every day.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Wholesome dildos! What are they, I hear you cry?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22I'll let this guy explain.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25I can't believe this Christian sex shop is selling sex toys
0:12:25 > 0:12:29and one of the sex toys is a Baby Jesus butt plug!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35A WHAT?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Baby Jesus butt plug!
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Very nice!
0:12:39 > 0:12:41That brings a whole new meaning to the phrase
0:12:41 > 0:12:43"I've been touched by the Lord."
0:12:45 > 0:12:47It's going to change the Nativity.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49We bring gold, frankincense, and brrrrrrrr!
0:12:51 > 0:12:55I hope it doesn't catch on with other religions. Jesus, quite thin.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Imagine trying to get this guy up your arse!
0:12:57 > 0:13:00RUSSELL SCREAMS
0:13:00 > 0:13:02It burns!
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Mind you, if you think a religious dildo is weird,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08take a look at this story from Peru.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11There is a local mayor in Peru.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13I believe the town is called Huarmey,
0:13:13 > 0:13:15his name is Jose Benitez,
0:13:15 > 0:13:19and he has decided that the water in his town
0:13:19 > 0:13:21is making the town gay.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25The water is making people gay?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27We shouldn't laugh. He's right.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30I've been there, and the water is powerful stuff.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43HE GROANS
0:13:46 > 0:13:48LAUGHTER
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Now, this IS good news!
0:13:52 > 0:13:54CHEERING
0:13:55 > 0:13:58I was so bendy that day!
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Now the part of the show I don't know anything about.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07There's going to be a mystery guest from the news.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09I have to figure out who that person is.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11So please welcome my mystery guest.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13CHEERING
0:14:21 > 0:14:23- Hello.- Hello.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Look at this! This is lovely. Nice to meet you. I'm Russell.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- Hello, Russell. - How are you? This is wonderful.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- Can I sit down? Is that OK? - Please do.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- Nice. What's your name? - Jacquie.- Jacquie.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38I could get used to this, Jacquie. There's a lovely smell of leather.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- That's not you, is it?- No.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43It smells lovely, though. Any clues?
0:14:43 > 0:14:47- Let me see. I travel first class all over the world.- Sweet.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49I stay in five and six-star hotels.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53- Six-star? I didn't know there were six.- There's seven stars now.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- Is there really?- Yes. - What's the difference?- Um...
0:14:55 > 0:14:58How much they grovel, I think.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- The more grovelling, the higher the star now.- Really?
0:15:00 > 0:15:05- What is grovelling?- Well, you know, you get value for money, don't you?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07"Please, can I wash your feet?"
0:15:07 > 0:15:09You can, while you're down there!
0:15:11 > 0:15:13While I'm down there?!
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- CHEERING - What else am I doing?
0:15:16 > 0:15:20OK, so you stay in fantastic hotels.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22It's something to do with expensive cars.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23Something to do with Formula One?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26No...although I've been to it many times.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29I've been to most of the major events in the world.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31What, of everything?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Yes, sporting events,
0:15:33 > 0:15:35festivals, the Oscars.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37OK. Are you a dealer?
0:15:37 > 0:15:38LAUGHTER
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Hmm...no!
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- More clues?- Erm...yep.
0:15:49 > 0:15:54I'm one of very, very few females in the world that do what I do.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Catch?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58LAUGHTER
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Oh-ho!
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- You're going to regret that in a minute!- Yeah, I probably am!
0:16:06 > 0:16:09It's mostly men do what I do
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- and I wear a vest to work quite a lot.- Awesome!
0:16:12 > 0:16:16- Kevlar vest.- OK, got you. So are you a bodyguard?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18- Yes.- Are you really?!
0:16:18 > 0:16:20- Yes.- Awesome stuff!
0:16:20 > 0:16:22- CHEERING - Nice to meet you. Excellent.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25So, um, why exactly are you in the news?
0:16:25 > 0:16:29- Cos I'm the world's top female bodyguard.- How did you get that?
0:16:29 > 0:16:33- I've been doing it, I think, for the longest - over 30 years.- Sweet.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35What do you make of that film?
0:16:35 > 0:16:36Which one?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39# And I...will always... #
0:16:39 > 0:16:43I've got to be fair. We don't recommend that you shag the client.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45That's not, you know, the ultimate aim.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- But many celebrities do marry their bodyguards.- Is that right?
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- Yeah.- What celebrities have you looked after?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- Um, JK Rowling... - Awesome!- ..Diana Ross...
0:16:54 > 0:16:56CHEERING
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- Who?- Diana Ross.- Oh, right. I thought you said Dyno-Rod.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05The bloke that does plumbing. Someone's ordered a hit on him!
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- Diana Ross.- Yep.- What's been the worst day on your job?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- Do you have any kind of shockers? - Um, the worst day, I suppose,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- was being shot at in Pakistan trying to get a girl out.- That'll do it.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18- Yeah. That was a bit, you know... That wasn't much fun.- Why was that?
0:17:18 > 0:17:21She'd been kidnapped, actually, and taken over there,
0:17:21 > 0:17:23so we'd gone to rescue her and bring her back.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27- How many times have you been shot? - I've never actually been shot.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31I've been shot AT several times, but I've never actually been shot.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33So you're like a really hard, better version of 50 Cent?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I'm excited about what I'll do in the bodyguard world.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Are we going to have some "pow-pow"?
0:17:39 > 0:17:44- I'll give you a crash course in how to be a bodyguard.- Let's do this.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46CHEERING
0:17:48 > 0:17:50So here we are in the car.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Not quite Kevin Costner, love, but you're getting there. Right, um...
0:18:02 > 0:18:03What we're going to do is,
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I'm going to pretend to be looking after you.
0:18:06 > 0:18:07I'm going to get you out of the car
0:18:07 > 0:18:11and show you how to look after your principal, how to look for...
0:18:11 > 0:18:13By "principal", you don't mean my dick?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- You mean a person? - A person.- Right.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- So am I looking after you?- No, I'll get out, you stay in the car.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- You only get out once I tell you it's safe.- Awesome.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- So, sit back, relax, chill.- Yep.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28So I get out of the vehicle, I have a look around
0:18:28 > 0:18:31to see whether there is any perceived threat.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33I can't see any at the moment, so therefore,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- I beckon to my principal to get out. - Hey, hello.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40CHEERING
0:18:40 > 0:18:45Oh! Cheers for that in the car. You went above and beyond your duty.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51Should there be a threat, we do a thing called body, cover and remove.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Basically, I bend you over.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58I put my body across yours,
0:18:58 > 0:19:00so I take the bullet.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01WOLF-WHISTLES
0:19:01 > 0:19:04I'll put you back in the vehicle.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Lay across.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08No, no, lay across the seat!
0:19:08 > 0:19:11I'll throw myself on top of you!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13CHEERING
0:19:19 > 0:19:21And then I'll shoot the bad guy.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25# And I...will always... #
0:19:26 > 0:19:29But that didn't happen, so that's fine.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- So, no baddies?- So that's what happens if there's a baddie.- Good.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- I get molested? OK.- But as there isn't a baddie at the moment,
0:19:35 > 0:19:38I'll walk in front of you all the time,
0:19:38 > 0:19:42- cos it's my job to take the bullet, OK?- Yep.- One of the main things
0:19:42 > 0:19:44with celebrities is the paparazzi.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46They are one of the biggest pests
0:19:46 > 0:19:50and threats that we have towards celebrities.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53I'm not being funny, but I think he might be a paparazzo!
0:19:53 > 0:19:58So what you're going to do is, "Move back! You move back out of my face!"
0:19:58 > 0:20:01CHEERING
0:20:02 > 0:20:06Some of the things we have as well, you have the lone gunman,
0:20:06 > 0:20:09you have the nutter, the guy that wants to come at you, wants to...
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Hey...!
0:20:12 > 0:20:16So what you do, you grab this end of the gun.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Grab this end of the gun, chin him...
0:20:18 > 0:20:19WHACK!
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Important bit.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27- Knee him in the Golden Triangle. - Yeah, yeah.- No.- Straight in!
0:20:27 > 0:20:29And he's down.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- So you fancy being a bodyguard? - I'd love to, yeah.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- OK, so I've some celebrities for you. - Sweet. Who's the celebs?
0:20:35 > 0:20:40- Well, we've got Justin Bieber... - Yeah.- ..Angelina Jolie...- OK.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44..and we've got Lord Sugar. Who do you fancy keeping alive?
0:20:44 > 0:20:48I like the idea of keeping Angelina Jolie alive.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50CHEERING
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Alan? I've always wanted to do this.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- You're fired. - LAUGHTER
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Now, if you think there might be a threat,
0:20:58 > 0:21:01you've got to body, cover and remove. Bend her over.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03- Right. - LAUGHTER
0:21:09 > 0:21:12No, otherwise I'll just, you know...
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Um, I'm in front of you.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- Sorry, Ange, can't allow that. - Deal with the paparazzi.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19I'm going to go, "Oi, fuck off!!"
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- Don't touch him! Don't touch him! - I'll go toe-to-toe, yeah?!
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Don't touch him. Good. Excellent.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Watch out, Ange. Between you and me,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33there might be a lone nutter about to burst through the door.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35I'm no expert... Oh, my God, there is!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Argh! Argh! Drop it!
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Son of a bitch!
0:21:41 > 0:21:42CHEERING
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Son of a bitch!
0:21:49 > 0:21:50Kick the gun away.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Take your gun away.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:58 > 0:22:01So do you think I've got what it takes to be a bodyguard?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03To be a government-licensed bodyguard, you need
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- another 150 hours of training. - I've done five minutes.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09You're almost there, but sadly...
0:22:09 > 0:22:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:17 > 0:22:20..sadly, not quite enough to be on my team.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22It would appear so. Give it up for my mystery guest!
0:22:22 > 0:22:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Have you heard the news about the new Bond film?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34It's the classic line we've come to expect in every James Bond film -
0:22:34 > 0:22:39the one that helped define 007's image as a suave secret agent.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41A Martini - shaken not stirred.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45Now, Bond is putting down his Martini glass and grabbing a beer.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Bond's getting beered up!
0:22:48 > 0:22:50That's really going to change the films.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- SLURRING:- "The name's Bond,
0:22:52 > 0:22:54"JAAAMES Bond.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57"And I fucking love you."
0:22:57 > 0:22:59It will be awful.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02What if he's one of those guys who spills his soul when he gets drunk?
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Just in the corner.
0:23:03 > 0:23:08"You don't know me. I've done some terrible stuff, right?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10"Don't laugh at me!
0:23:10 > 0:23:12"I killed a dwarf.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18"I put him in a suitcase.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21"I put him in a river."
0:23:25 > 0:23:28"I can't watch Willow any more."
0:23:30 > 0:23:33It's madness! You can't have Bond getting shitfaced.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Think of all the stunts in the film.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Beer doesn't exactly help with your agility.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44RUSSELL MIMICS JAMES BOND THEME
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Oh, dear.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53From Bond to the dullest magician in the world.
0:23:53 > 0:23:58David Blaine has begun his latest stunt, standing still.
0:23:58 > 0:23:59But this time, he's got a million volts
0:23:59 > 0:24:01shooting through him.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03He got electrocuted for three days.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05The only bolt I want to see hit him is this guy.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Did you watch the coverage?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12As ever, the Americans lost it over it.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15This is beyond impressive. It's really amazing,
0:24:15 > 0:24:20because it is, sort of, that Harry Houdini, sort of...vibe.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22"He's amazing!"
0:24:22 > 0:24:24My mate Mike? Not so fussed.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27David Blaine? David Blaine?!
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Fucking shite!
0:24:29 > 0:24:32LAUGHTER
0:24:35 > 0:24:37It's true.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39We just don't like the guy.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Remember when he was in a glass box, hanging over the Thames?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45He didn't eat for 44 days. Did people watch him in awe?
0:24:45 > 0:24:46No, they did this.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55We don't want to see him electrocuted,
0:24:55 > 0:24:57we want to see him Tasered. Wouldn't that be great?
0:24:57 > 0:25:00There's nothing funnier than watching someone get Tasered.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05HE SPEAKS SPANISH
0:25:07 > 0:25:09HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- HE IMITATES SCREAM - It's the noise!
0:25:12 > 0:25:16It's the noise! If anything, it's even better in slow motion.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19SIRENLIKE SCREAM
0:25:20 > 0:25:24Next up... Oh, this is beautiful.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Two thieves who thought they'd got away with a furniture haul
0:25:27 > 0:25:32got an unpleasant surprise when their booty disappeared out of their van.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36Yes, they did. They thought they'd nick two sofas. Look what happened.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40The hapless pair, who pilfered two sofas, left the doors wide open,
0:25:40 > 0:25:45allowing store managers to lift them back out before they sped off.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48See ya.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56To end the show, an amazing story about a truly inspiring man.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59The first half of the climb, there were lots of times I was like,
0:25:59 > 0:26:01"I don't know if I'm going to make this.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03"I don't know if we'll finish it."
0:26:03 > 0:26:07'Spencer West finished on top, in June.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11'At nearly 20,000 feet, the Kilimanjaro volcano in Tanzania
0:26:11 > 0:26:15'is the world's tallest stand-alone mountain.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19'West is as full of adventure as any man we've ever met,
0:26:19 > 0:26:21'but take a step back
0:26:21 > 0:26:24'and you see that the climber has no legs.'
0:26:27 > 0:26:30'My family and I were told by the doctors that'
0:26:30 > 0:26:33I would never sit up by myself, that I would never walk by myself,
0:26:33 > 0:26:37and that I probably wouldn't be a functioning member of society.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40- They didn't know what the possibilities could be?- Exactly.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44- Exactly.- 'A genetic defect at birth made his legs useless.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47'The doctors amputated at the hip,
0:26:47 > 0:26:51'but that didn't break his spirit, nor his stride.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54'It was seven days to the summit.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56'Part way he was carried,
0:26:56 > 0:27:01'but mostly he used a wheelchair and walked on his hands.'
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Along the path to Kilimanjaro, there are these little statues
0:27:04 > 0:27:06and they call them cairns.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10And we learned that cairns are a symbol for...
0:27:10 > 0:27:11When you are lost,
0:27:11 > 0:27:15if you see a cairn, they signify where the trail is again.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19That's when I thought, "Maybe I can say I'm a cairn.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23"Maybe I'm a symbol for other people when they feel lost or they feel
0:27:23 > 0:27:26"a challenge is too big, I can be that cairn to be like,"
0:27:26 > 0:27:30" 'It's OK. If I can overcome this,
0:27:30 > 0:27:34" 'here's the path, and you can overcome it, too.' "
0:27:34 > 0:27:36What a legend.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39CHEERING
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Now it's time for my stand-up guest.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46This young man is one of the fastest rising comics on the UK scene
0:27:46 > 0:27:50so please welcome the wonderful Daniel Sloss!
0:27:50 > 0:27:54CHEERING
0:28:00 > 0:28:02WHOOPING
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Sure. Hello.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06- Hello.- Hi!
0:28:06 > 0:28:08- How you all doing? You well?- Yes!
0:28:08 > 0:28:10The optimism's now gone, hasn't it?
0:28:10 > 0:28:13"It's going to be amazing!" No.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16I was in Australia earlier this year.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18I love Australia. I think it's beautiful and fantastic.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20The wildlife hates me.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Every time I go, it tries to kill me
0:28:22 > 0:28:24and you don't get that where I'm from.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27There's no wildlife in Scotland. There might be a badger.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30But nobody's seen him in a while.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32I was in Australia, and I was there for about a day
0:28:32 > 0:28:35and I was walking down this street and a snake from a tree saw me
0:28:35 > 0:28:37and was like, "Fucking..."
0:28:38 > 0:28:39"That looks tasty!
0:28:39 > 0:28:42"Going to get me a bite of that. Yum-yum-yum!"
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Launched itself out of this tree at me.
0:28:44 > 0:28:46Now, I would love to tell you I acted like a man.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48I did not.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50I made a noise my body's never made before
0:28:50 > 0:28:53in the hope the snake would go, "You know what? Leave it."
0:28:53 > 0:28:55I freaked out.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58Anything penis-shaped coming towards my face, I'll freak out.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00But all the Aussies around me were laughing,
0:29:00 > 0:29:04going, "Oh, look how much of a poof he is. Wah, wah!" The way they do.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06And I knew I had to win back some man points
0:29:06 > 0:29:08so I quickly remembered back
0:29:08 > 0:29:10to an episode of Steve Irwin I'd watched when I was younger
0:29:10 > 0:29:14and I remembered that snakes have got no natural immunity
0:29:14 > 0:29:15to being run over by cars.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17They just never developed it.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20So I grabbed it in the manliest way I could
0:29:20 > 0:29:22and I threw it into the middle of the road
0:29:22 > 0:29:25and that is when it magically turned itself into a stick.
0:29:35 > 0:29:39"Do, um...do snakes have leaves over here now?"
0:29:39 > 0:29:42I love America. I think Americans are amazing.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44They're weird, but they're great
0:29:44 > 0:29:45and fat.
0:29:45 > 0:29:48But before anyone gets upset, when I say fat,
0:29:48 > 0:29:49nobody in this room is fat
0:29:49 > 0:29:52because you all walked in here.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56And they have stupid excuses as well.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59I like the way we deal with obesity in the UK.
0:29:59 > 0:30:00We go, "Yeah, I'm fat. Soz."
0:30:00 > 0:30:03They probably don't say, "soz", that's just me.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05But in America, they have amazing excuses.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08The best one, and it makes me laugh every time I hear it, is,
0:30:08 > 0:30:10"Obesity is a disease!"
0:30:12 > 0:30:13No, it's not.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16The only thing obese people have in common with diseases is that
0:30:16 > 0:30:19they're both very easy to catch. OK?
0:30:28 > 0:30:31It's a flawed country, it is.
0:30:31 > 0:30:33America is a country that believes obesity is a disease
0:30:33 > 0:30:36but homosexuality is a choice.
0:30:36 > 0:30:39It's not your fault if you're fat but it's your fault if you're gay.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41No. That's not how it...
0:30:41 > 0:30:44Homosexuality is not a choice because if it was a choice,
0:30:44 > 0:30:48there would not be one straight man left on this planet.
0:30:48 > 0:30:52Do you think if I could make myself gay, I wouldn't do it right now
0:30:52 > 0:30:54and make my life ten times easier?
0:30:54 > 0:30:58If homosexuality is a choice, it's not a very fair one.
0:30:58 > 0:30:59OK, so you've got two choices -
0:30:59 > 0:31:01you can spend the rest of your life pursuing women
0:31:01 > 0:31:04in which case it'll take anywhere between a week and six months
0:31:04 > 0:31:06trying to seduce a woman, charm a women into bed
0:31:06 > 0:31:09through varying methods of lies, deceit and untruths,
0:31:09 > 0:31:11it'll cost you a lot of time, money and sanity
0:31:11 > 0:31:13but eventually she'll concede and you'll make love
0:31:13 > 0:31:15and it'll be beautiful and you'll fall more in love
0:31:15 > 0:31:17until you can't be close enough to each other
0:31:17 > 0:31:20and you smoosh your face together cos you're young and pathetic
0:31:20 > 0:31:22but you don't know that while she's doing this,
0:31:22 > 0:31:25she's putting blinkers on your face so you can't see your life go past.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27Life, family, friends, joy, it's all gone!
0:31:27 > 0:31:30Before you know it, you're 45, married with two kids
0:31:30 > 0:31:33and all your dreams are dead. Or...
0:31:34 > 0:31:38You can hang out with your best friend all day and get blow jobs.
0:31:38 > 0:31:40Hmm.
0:31:40 > 0:31:41What a difficult choice!
0:31:43 > 0:31:45That's why they're called gay people.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48They're happy all the fucking time!
0:31:48 > 0:31:50In order to get laid,
0:31:50 > 0:31:52they have to seduce men.
0:31:52 > 0:31:54Do you know how easy that is?
0:31:54 > 0:31:56I'm a straight man.
0:31:56 > 0:31:58I've got to seduce women. That's hard.
0:31:58 > 0:32:02I don't know what lies to feed your species to make you want my penis.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04But I could easily get a gay man into bed.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06"Hey, do you want to...?" "Yeah, OK."
0:32:06 > 0:32:08Done!
0:32:08 > 0:32:11I wish I was gay, but I'm not.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13In fact, I don't know if I am gay
0:32:13 > 0:32:15because I can't really say that I'm not gay,
0:32:15 > 0:32:17because I've never tried penis.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20Therefore, I can't really say I don't like it.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23It's like when I was younger and said I didn't like vegetables.
0:32:23 > 0:32:24I'd never tried vegetables.
0:32:24 > 0:32:28Now I'm 22 and I've tried vegetables, turns out I quite like them.
0:32:28 > 0:32:29Maybe it's the same with cock.
0:32:33 > 0:32:34Statistically, I am gay.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37I mean, I've only ever played with one penis, mine,
0:32:37 > 0:32:38but I fucking loved it!
0:32:39 > 0:32:42I haven't stopped playing with it since!
0:32:42 > 0:32:47I like 100% of penises I've ever played with
0:32:47 > 0:32:52whereas I only like about 60% of the vaginas I've been in.
0:32:52 > 0:32:53But statistically...
0:32:56 > 0:32:59I love using, I use the word gay all the time as well.
0:32:59 > 0:33:01I use the word gay in the wrong way.
0:33:01 > 0:33:02I use the word gay in the way
0:33:02 > 0:33:04most people of my generation use the word gay.
0:33:04 > 0:33:08If they think something's rubbish or boring they go, "It's gay, it's gay,"
0:33:08 > 0:33:10and that is wrong, I will admit that.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12It's not homophobic, by the way.
0:33:12 > 0:33:13It's just ignorance, OK?
0:33:13 > 0:33:17Because in order to be homophobic, you actually have to hate gay people
0:33:17 > 0:33:21which if you've met one, is quite difficult.
0:33:21 > 0:33:22I don't know how homophobics do it,
0:33:22 > 0:33:26just going, "I hate them! "Hiya!" "No!"
0:33:29 > 0:33:30"I hate you!"
0:33:30 > 0:33:32"But why?"
0:33:32 > 0:33:34"I don't know. You seem really sassy."
0:33:35 > 0:33:37The way I use the word in that way,
0:33:37 > 0:33:39it makes no sense. That's why it's wrong.
0:33:39 > 0:33:42I'll go to my flatmate, "Do you want to go to the pub?"
0:33:42 > 0:33:43And he'll be like, "No, I'm tired."
0:33:43 > 0:33:45I'll be like, "Gay!"
0:33:45 > 0:33:46That's not homophobic.
0:33:46 > 0:33:49Unless, in my head, my version of homophobia
0:33:49 > 0:33:52is that all gay men are tired all the time.
0:33:52 > 0:33:56All those gays just lying around yawning, you know what they're like.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58Just lying around the field like a pride of lions,
0:33:58 > 0:34:00a gay pride, that's what I call them.
0:34:01 > 0:34:04But don't get me wrong, I'm all up for gay marriage.
0:34:04 > 0:34:06It's something I fully support.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08I fully support gays being allowed to adopt
0:34:08 > 0:34:10because gay parents, in my opinion,
0:34:10 > 0:34:13make better parents than straight parents
0:34:13 > 0:34:16because gay parents could never raise a chav.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21That is something only straight parents are capable of doing.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24Can you imagine trying to be a chav in a gay household?
0:34:24 > 0:34:26Running down the stairs with your Kappa tracksuit bottom,
0:34:26 > 0:34:29your tracksuit top, Burberry cap and cheap bottle of wine,
0:34:29 > 0:34:31going, "All right, pals, I'm off out to get pished."
0:34:31 > 0:34:35And both of your dads standing there going, "Heh-heh-heh. No."
0:34:37 > 0:34:40Even when you use the word gay in that way,
0:34:40 > 0:34:41when you use it as an insult,
0:34:41 > 0:34:44the reason it's insulting isn't because being gay is bad
0:34:44 > 0:34:46but it's because of the way an insult works.
0:34:46 > 0:34:47The way an insult works is,
0:34:47 > 0:34:50you're accusing someone of being something they're not.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53You're taking away their identity. For example, the most common insult
0:34:53 > 0:34:56that we've probably all used at one point or another is, "You're a dick."
0:34:56 > 0:34:59Everyone in this room has probably at least once gone, "You're a dick."
0:34:59 > 0:35:01But if you think about it,
0:35:01 > 0:35:03there's nothing wrong with dicks.
0:35:03 > 0:35:05They're essential to the human survival.
0:35:05 > 0:35:07I know loads of girls that like dicks.
0:35:07 > 0:35:09I know loads of guys that like dicks.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12I've got one of my own. He's quite fun.
0:35:12 > 0:35:13I call him the Slossage.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20APPLAUSE
0:35:24 > 0:35:27But when you call someone a dick, that's offensive,
0:35:27 > 0:35:30not because penises are bad, because you're changing someone's identity.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33You don't get people coming up to you, going, "How dare you?
0:35:33 > 0:35:37"Do you know how many friends I have that are dicks?
0:35:37 > 0:35:39"Dickophobe."
0:35:40 > 0:35:42I found out quite recently
0:35:42 > 0:35:45that apparently most other comedians think I'm gay
0:35:45 > 0:35:50and the worst thing is, I can see why. I totally get it.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53It was nothing to shock me. I just went, "Oh, yeah. Goddamn it."
0:35:53 > 0:35:56And it's the hair and it's... I wear tight shirts because I'm vain
0:35:56 > 0:35:59and this hand doesn't do me any favours.
0:35:59 > 0:36:01I hate this hand. I've got no control over it.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04Like this guy, he's holding the microphone. He's got his job.
0:36:04 > 0:36:05This guy gets jealous
0:36:05 > 0:36:08and decides to go "jazzy!"
0:36:08 > 0:36:11I'm not doing that, right?
0:36:11 > 0:36:13He's a gay hand, that's just what he does.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16He's never done anything gay. I've never been halfway through a joke
0:36:16 > 0:36:19and turned around, like, "So then the chav says..."
0:36:19 > 0:36:21"And then... Aaargh!"
0:36:23 > 0:36:26I'm an atheist as well.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28Cool.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30Blank stare, that's what I'm used to.
0:36:30 > 0:36:33The thing about it, I'm not one of these hardcore atheists, though.
0:36:33 > 0:36:37I don't hate religious people. If you are religious, beautiful, fantastic.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39Well done, you. I wish I could have that faith.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42I wish I could have that belief system, but I went to school, so...
0:36:42 > 0:36:45Makes it a little bit difficult!
0:36:45 > 0:36:48Damn you, logic! And...
0:36:48 > 0:36:51But I'm really not, really not against religion.
0:36:51 > 0:36:53My mum's entire family is very religious,
0:36:53 > 0:36:54my dad's family is very religious.
0:36:54 > 0:36:56I've got an uncle who's a minister.
0:36:56 > 0:36:58He's five foot two
0:36:58 > 0:36:59so we call him a "mini-ster".
0:37:02 > 0:37:05He does that annoying thing that a lot of religious people do
0:37:05 > 0:37:06where he quotes the Bible at me
0:37:06 > 0:37:09in random situations and expects it to help.
0:37:09 > 0:37:11Like, "Daniel, you will know the truth
0:37:11 > 0:37:15"and the truth will set you free. John 8:32."
0:37:15 > 0:37:17What?
0:37:17 > 0:37:20Can I do that? Can I randomly quote stuff at people?
0:37:20 > 0:37:22"If you want to know what a man is truly like,
0:37:22 > 0:37:25"look at how he treats his inferiors and not his equals.
0:37:25 > 0:37:29"Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire! Page 410!"
0:37:29 > 0:37:31APPLAUSE
0:37:31 > 0:37:33Same thing!
0:37:33 > 0:37:34Same thing.
0:37:34 > 0:37:37Good quote, made-up source, OK?
0:37:37 > 0:37:39My uncle will sit there, he's lost faith, he's like,
0:37:39 > 0:37:42"Daniel, what if you're right? What if there is no God?
0:37:42 > 0:37:44"What if I've wasted my life? What if I wasted my kids' life?
0:37:44 > 0:37:47"How am I meant to go on? How am I meant to find Jesus?"
0:37:47 > 0:37:48And I'll say, "Don't give up, Scott.
0:37:48 > 0:37:51"Keep on searching and you will find him."
0:37:51 > 0:37:52"Oh, wow, that's beautiful.
0:37:52 > 0:37:55"What is that? Is that John? Is that Paul? Is that Leviticus?"
0:37:55 > 0:37:57"No, Where's Wally."
0:37:57 > 0:38:00He was behind the Eiffel Tower, hey!
0:38:00 > 0:38:02Because I think we can all agree,
0:38:02 > 0:38:04fans of Where's Wally and Harry Potter,
0:38:04 > 0:38:06slightly less annoying than fans of the Bible.
0:38:06 > 0:38:10But not as annoying as fans of Twilight. That's a different thing.
0:38:10 > 0:38:13I hate Twilight, and I will say this now, I hate Twilight
0:38:13 > 0:38:15and I've got a right to hate Twilight cos I've seen every film.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18I've seen all the films, so I hate it because I know it.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20I've got two lovely little cousins.
0:38:20 > 0:38:23My uncle who's a minister has two gorgeous cousins who I love to pieces
0:38:23 > 0:38:25and they love the books, so each time a film is out, I see it
0:38:25 > 0:38:27then go home and try to kill myself.
0:38:27 > 0:38:29And if you've not seen the films,
0:38:29 > 0:38:31allow me to quickly summarise them all for you.
0:38:31 > 0:38:33"Jacob!"
0:38:34 > 0:38:36"Why have you taken your shirt off?"
0:38:36 > 0:38:38"Because there's no storyline.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40"It's nine hours of this.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42"I can make them dance."
0:38:43 > 0:38:46You've got him who's the werewolf one
0:38:46 > 0:38:50and then you've got Edward Cullen, who's this weird vampire thing
0:38:50 > 0:38:52who's played by Robert Pattinson
0:38:52 > 0:38:55and if you don't know who Robert Pattinson is, he's basically an actor
0:38:55 > 0:38:58who has the emotional range of Keanu Reeves after a stroke.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00It's awful.
0:39:00 > 0:39:02And then you've got Bella Swann.
0:39:02 > 0:39:05If you don't know who she is, she's basically the most miserable cow
0:39:05 > 0:39:08that's ever existed in fact or fiction.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10It's like she's constantly on her period,
0:39:10 > 0:39:12which I imagine he fucking loves.
0:39:22 > 0:39:24My next joke's about tennis.
0:39:27 > 0:39:28I like the tennis.
0:39:28 > 0:39:30I think people say weird stuff when tennis is on, though.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33Really annoying stuff, like, "Oh, my God!
0:39:33 > 0:39:37"The noises those women make when they play tennis.
0:39:37 > 0:39:40"It makes it sound like they're having sex."
0:39:40 > 0:39:42Really?
0:39:42 > 0:39:44I think you might be doing sex wrong!
0:39:45 > 0:39:48If you're having sex with a woman and she's going...
0:39:48 > 0:39:50HE SHRIEKS
0:39:51 > 0:39:53HE SHRIEKS AGAIN
0:39:53 > 0:39:56..let her go, OK?
0:39:57 > 0:40:00She is not enjoying that.
0:40:00 > 0:40:01Stop it.
0:40:01 > 0:40:06"Ooh!" Somebody phone the police. There is a crime being committed.
0:40:06 > 0:40:09That is the wrong type of backhand set.
0:40:11 > 0:40:12From my experience,
0:40:12 > 0:40:15if women were to make the same noises they make during sex
0:40:15 > 0:40:19while playing tennis, this is what tennis would sound like.
0:40:19 > 0:40:22"Ssh!
0:40:22 > 0:40:24"You're going to wake my dad up!
0:40:25 > 0:40:28"Seriously! Are you nearly finished?
0:40:30 > 0:40:33"No, not in my hair!"
0:40:34 > 0:40:36Just the umpire sat there going,
0:40:36 > 0:40:38"There was no love in that set.
0:40:38 > 0:40:41"No love either side."
0:40:41 > 0:40:45I hate noisy sex. If you have noisy sex, you're rude and inconsiderate.
0:40:45 > 0:40:47There's no need for it at all.
0:40:47 > 0:40:48None of the noises during sex are necessary.
0:40:48 > 0:40:50Don't talk to me during sex.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53I put up with three hours of your shit to get to this moment in time.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55I think I've earned a break.
0:40:55 > 0:40:59I don't even like the compliments during sex, like, "Oh, my God!
0:40:59 > 0:41:03"This is amazing!"
0:41:03 > 0:41:04Don't lie to me!
0:41:06 > 0:41:09I know I'm bad in bed but I don't care.
0:41:09 > 0:41:11I'm already having sex with you.
0:41:11 > 0:41:12I've won!
0:41:13 > 0:41:16I think it's very nice that women do lie during sex,
0:41:16 > 0:41:19because it would be so much worse if you told the truth.
0:41:19 > 0:41:20"Oh, my God!
0:41:20 > 0:41:23"This is so below average!"
0:41:24 > 0:41:27"I just want to phone a taxi!"
0:41:27 > 0:41:29Just me being honest in return, going,
0:41:29 > 0:41:32"You were so much skinnier with clothes on!"
0:41:34 > 0:41:39"I've never seen a pair of tights look so relieved in my entire life."
0:41:44 > 0:41:45And that's where I like to end my set,
0:41:45 > 0:41:48making sure no woman in the audience ever wants to sleep with me.
0:41:48 > 0:41:52Thank you very much. I've been Dan Sloss. Peace.
0:41:52 > 0:41:55CHEERING
0:41:55 > 0:41:58Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Daniel Sloss!
0:42:01 > 0:42:04Thank you very much for watching Good News.
0:42:04 > 0:42:06Goodnight, my friends.
0:42:06 > 0:42:08CHEERING
0:42:30 > 0:42:34Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:42:34 > 0:42:36- DEEP VOICE:- Very nice!