0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
0:00:20 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:25Thank you very much!
0:00:29 > 0:00:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Thank you very much indeed.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Hello and welcome to Good News.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39So what's been happening?
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Well, David Sillito reveals what he takes in the bedroom.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45A large wooden spoon, a pot of marmalade...
0:00:45 > 0:00:47and nothing else.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Mmm!
0:00:49 > 0:00:53Now, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty certain these two are on drugs.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Money couldn't buy what we had last night.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Over in Australia, they interviewed the world's smoothest pensioner.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03John Lewis, thank you for making time to speak to us tonight.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05- Did you enjoy it? - I did enjoy it, did you?
0:01:05 > 0:01:07- HE CHUCKLES - Yeah, I loved every minute.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13Here's a tip, if you're going to fart, don't cover it up by coughing.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Conference... HE COUGHS AND FARTS
0:01:24 > 0:01:28Finally, this has to be THE most awkward exit ever.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Thank you so much for coming in this morning
0:01:31 > 0:01:32to enlighten us on Rupert Murdoch.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Thanks very much.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Still to come, who's been sleeping out in the cold
0:01:36 > 0:01:38to draw attention to homelessness in New Zealand?
0:01:38 > 0:01:42And we'll bring you more on the Kim Dotcom saga as his lawyer
0:01:42 > 0:01:45tells Firstline the New Zealand authorities have been overreacting.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47But now it's time to look at the sports stories
0:01:47 > 0:01:49making the news this morning. Here's Sam.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52APPLAUSE
0:01:53 > 0:01:57So what's been going on? Well, we had one giant leap for mankind.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59The Austrian skydiver, Felix Baumgartner,
0:01:59 > 0:02:01has reached supersonic speed
0:02:01 > 0:02:05by jumping from a balloon 24 miles above the earth.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08After a short speech and a salute,
0:02:08 > 0:02:14Felix Baumgartner makes one terrifying leap into the void below.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16It was absolutely incredible.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19And, even better, I managed to get a mic inside his helmet.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25OK, mission control. I am initialising launch sequence.
0:02:25 > 0:02:32SHI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-T!
0:02:32 > 0:02:34You know that's what he was doing.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37"AAAARRRRRGH!!"
0:02:37 > 0:02:38It was incredible.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40The whole world watched.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Even his pets were inspired.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Did you see how fast he was going?
0:02:55 > 0:03:00He's falling faster than the speed of sound, 840mph.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04No-one knows what effect that'll have on the human body.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06I'm pretty sure it makes you look like this.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12Did you see what he said before he jumped?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- REPORTER:- What was it that you said?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17I said, "I know the whole world is watching now
0:03:17 > 0:03:19"and I wish the world could see what I see.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21"And sometimes you have to go up really high
0:03:21 > 0:03:23"to understand how small you are."
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Profound. Moving.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30Not everyone is quite so philosophical when they leap.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32One, two, let's go!
0:03:32 > 0:03:35HE SCREAMS
0:03:38 > 0:03:40From a hero to a zero.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42It's been a bad week for Lance Armstrong.
0:03:42 > 0:03:47Startling evidence is emerging of how cycling legend Lance Armstrong
0:03:47 > 0:03:49orchestrated what's being called
0:03:49 > 0:03:52the most sophisticated doping programme in sport.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54He was the greatest cyclist in history.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Now he's just a drugs cheat.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59If only there was a parallel story of someone who used to be loved
0:03:59 > 0:04:01but it turned out they were a complete arsehole.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Apparently loads of fellow cyclists testified against him.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Or, as the New York Times put it...
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Jesus!
0:04:16 > 0:04:18No wonder he took drugs!
0:04:19 > 0:04:24I'd want some painkillers after being fisted by 11 men.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Not that I'm condoning his behaviour.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Drugs and cycling is not a good mix. Just ask this kid.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Oh, my God, dude.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Oh, my God, dude. Oh, my God!
0:04:33 > 0:04:37GROANS AND APPLAUSE
0:04:42 > 0:04:44In political news, have a look at this.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47You can get married, join the armed forces, even have to pay taxes,
0:04:47 > 0:04:51all at the age of 16, but should you be allowed to vote?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Should 16-year-olds get the vote?
0:04:54 > 0:04:55- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Really?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Do you honestly want to give this guy the vote?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Some of them can't even handle exams.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07What was the answer he gave?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13APPLAUSE
0:05:13 > 0:05:17Maybe at 16 girls are mature enough.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18But boys are definitely not -
0:05:18 > 0:05:2016-year-old boys are horn dogs.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Just walking around like that constantly.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Give them the vote, political adverts would end up like this...
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Now, a party political broadcast by the Conservative Party.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Hi boys, vote Tory and I'll show you these.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37I know one guy who would love that.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38Very nice.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41APPLAUSE
0:05:44 > 0:05:47To be honest, you can't even trust some adults with the vote.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Look... Get ready for this, this is insane.
0:05:49 > 0:05:54Look who a town in America elected as their mayor.
0:05:54 > 0:05:59Stubbs the cat has been re-elected as the mayor of a town in Alaska.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01They elected a cat as mayor!
0:06:01 > 0:06:03A cat!
0:06:03 > 0:06:05The locals couldn't believe it!
0:06:05 > 0:06:07SQUEAKS
0:06:07 > 0:06:08What I want to know -
0:06:08 > 0:06:14how shit a politician do you have to be to be beaten by a cat?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16I mean, whose policies are so bad
0:06:16 > 0:06:19they'd be beaten by a creature that licks its own arse?
0:06:20 > 0:06:24APPLAUSE
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Meow!
0:06:27 > 0:06:29I love the reason why the cat won.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Listen to his unique selling point.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35When asked why the cat had been voted for, one resident said,
0:06:35 > 0:06:38"He's not judgmental at all. He loves everybody."
0:06:40 > 0:06:43"He's not judgemental"? He's a cat!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45They're not going, "Oh, oh!
0:06:45 > 0:06:47"Look at the state of him.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49"I believe they call them chavs.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53"Look at her, four kids, three different dads.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56"What I want to know - who shagged her twice? Hm?"
0:06:56 > 0:06:58HE SNIGGERS
0:06:59 > 0:07:02"I'm SO judgemental."
0:07:02 > 0:07:04He's a cat!
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Is he taking his job as mayor seriously?
0:07:06 > 0:07:10Is he building a new school, cracking down on crime? Not really.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14APPLAUSE
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Elsewhere this week, did you hear about this kid in Wales?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26A toddler celebrating his second birthday was rushed to hospital
0:07:26 > 0:07:29after accidentally drinking half a glass of whisky.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Half a glass of whisky! Imagine him in the sand pit -
0:07:35 > 0:07:36- WELSH ACCENT:- "All right, boys?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38"What's occurrin'?"
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Incredibly, he's totally fine. I'd have been on my arse.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45That kid's a legend.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Imagine him at an AA meeting.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49"My name's Tommy, I'm an alcoholic.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51"I'm also an aeroplane."
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Not that you could tell if he was pissed.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57"Oh, my God, he can't walk, he's mumbling!"
0:07:57 > 0:07:58"Don't worry, I'm two."
0:08:00 > 0:08:02"I shit myself as well. Wahaay!"
0:08:03 > 0:08:07Some people say, "Booze and children is simply not funny."
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Come on.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10Check out this photo.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16It is a little bit funny. Have a look at it again.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18I love this, because he looks like he's going,
0:08:18 > 0:08:22"So I says to her, no, I've got YOUR nose."
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Bizarrely, a kid drinking whisky
0:08:28 > 0:08:30isn't the strangest food story in the news.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38He went to jail!
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Imagine that - "What are you in for?"
0:08:40 > 0:08:41"GBH. You?" "BLT."
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Apparently the sandwich couldn't believe it.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50It is ridiculous.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52It's just a bit of bread. It's hardly scary.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54What next, kids on street corners,
0:08:54 > 0:08:58"Give me your wallet or I'll slap you with a ciabatta.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59"You bag-GET me?"
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Sorry, sorry.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04APPLAUSE
0:09:04 > 0:09:06It was a silly joke. It was silly...
0:09:08 > 0:09:10It is worth laughing at. Let's be honest,
0:09:10 > 0:09:12there are worse ways to attack someone in the kitchen.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Be careful, Ben!
0:09:14 > 0:09:15Oh!
0:09:16 > 0:09:20Mind you, if you think hitting someone with a sandwich is stupid,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23look at the latest pen Bic have come up with.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Now, Bic must have thought that women have a hard time writing.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31Because they've launched a line of pens specifically for women.
0:09:31 > 0:09:36Yeah, they've invented a pen just for ladies.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40What. are there girls going, "I'll not use it unless it's pink."
0:09:42 > 0:09:45It's ridiculous. All they've done is change the colour.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49They've essentially given a Biro a vajazzle. That's what they've done.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51It's so sexist, isn't it?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53I mean, what's this advert going to look like? This?
0:09:53 > 0:09:54Hey, you!
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Yes, you.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Do you struggle with manly pens?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Don't worry your pretty little head about it.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Because we've invented you a brand-new lady pen!
0:10:09 > 0:10:12With new lady pen, I've got time to draw kittens
0:10:12 > 0:10:15and I still have time to make my husband's dinner.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Thank you, darling.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Now if only someone would invent a car that parks itself for me.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22SHE GIGGLES
0:10:22 > 0:10:23I'm such a stupid bitch.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29APPLAUSE
0:10:29 > 0:10:32I tell you what, I feel sorry for medics in Wales.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Pressure on the Ambulance Service
0:10:34 > 0:10:36and emergency departments across the Welsh NHS
0:10:36 > 0:10:38has been bigger than expected this summer.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39One woman called an ambulance,
0:10:39 > 0:10:43complaining she had a hand wound and was bleeding badly.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44HE GASPS
0:10:46 > 0:10:48So had she cut it on a chain saw?
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Had she slashed it with a knife?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52She'd been bitten on the finger by her hamster.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58"He's so vicious!"
0:10:58 > 0:11:01If your hamster bites you, you don't call 999.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Just pretend to shoot him.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07AUDIENCE: Aww.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15APPLAUSE
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Mind you, the people of Wales have got nothing on a guy from Florida.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25Listen to why he called the police.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29He called 911 because he could not bring his kitten into a strip club.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32What?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37He tried to take a cat to a strip club.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Apparently the cat was livid,
0:11:40 > 0:11:42"What the hell do you mean I can't come in?!
0:11:42 > 0:11:45"I'm the MAYOR of this town!"
0:11:45 > 0:11:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Unbelievably, when the bloke's cat did get in, he was so randy,
0:11:56 > 0:11:59staff had to take him down, hamster style.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09From pole dancing to an evil new disease.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12A disease that causes uncontrollable crying and screaming
0:12:12 > 0:12:14is more infectious than measles
0:12:14 > 0:12:16and is especially prevalent among children.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Shit, sounds serious. What could it be?
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Scientists have revealed there is such a thing as Bieber Fever.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24AUDIENCE JEERS
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Yeah, you hear his music and you want to vomit.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Have you seen what it does?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Kids shouldn't be afraid of Bieber. They should be afraid of this guy.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45"Oh, Justin Bieber makes me cry."
0:12:45 > 0:12:46HE'LL fuck your mum!
0:12:48 > 0:12:51He'll do your nan on a Stannah chairlift!
0:12:51 > 0:12:54He's a machine!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56APPLAUSE
0:12:57 > 0:13:00What else? Well, it's been a tough week for kids.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Over in Australia, check out these killjoys.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04A primary school's been criticised
0:13:04 > 0:13:08for banning handstands, somersaults and cartwheels.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09They've banned handstands!
0:13:09 > 0:13:12You can't ban handstands. It's like banning fun.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Do you reckon you'll get all the rebellious kids,
0:13:15 > 0:13:16"I don't give a shit.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19"Other day, the teacher weren't looking...
0:13:19 > 0:13:21"I done a roly-poly."
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Do you reckon they'll get underground clubs?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26"First rule of Handstand Club,
0:13:26 > 0:13:29"you do not speak about Handstand Club.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31"The second rule - no-one wee on the floor.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37"Third rule - and this is the most severe of all the rules at the club -
0:13:37 > 0:13:40"do not tell Jimmy Savile about this club!"
0:13:43 > 0:13:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:48 > 0:13:50To be honest, they can ban handstands all they like.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53When you think about it, most accidents happen at home anyway.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59AUDIENCE GROANS
0:13:59 > 0:14:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:03 > 0:14:07Check out the latest way couples in long-distance relationships
0:14:07 > 0:14:08can stay close.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Kissenger, short for Kiss Messenger,
0:14:11 > 0:14:14is a device that lets couples in love connect through cyberspace.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Made from a special silicone,
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Kissenger's lips are connected to sensors.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22The sensors detect a kiss's pressure points
0:14:22 > 0:14:25and transmit them to a receiving Kissenger.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Basically, you kiss it, they receive the kiss.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31The trouble is, you can't actually see each other,
0:14:31 > 0:14:34sow you never know who's going to be on the other end.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37I love you so much, why do we have to be apart?!
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
0:14:40 > 0:14:44Grandad, have you seen my... KISSENGER?!
0:14:45 > 0:14:49GROANS AND APPLAUSE
0:14:49 > 0:14:51HE MOUTHS
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Don't you worry - I got him back!
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Hamster style!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Now, this is the part of the show I don't know anything about.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14There'll be a mystery guest who's been in the news.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I have to figure out who that person is.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Please welcome my Mystery Guest!
0:15:18 > 0:15:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Hello. How are you?
0:15:28 > 0:15:29I'm fine, thank you, Russell.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Thank you for coming on my show. Can I sit down there? Is that OK?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- Sit down all you like.- Lovely stuff.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36- This is nice and comfy, isn't it? - Yeah.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40- OK, so it has something to do with animals, clearly.- Yes.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41Um...
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Oh, I'm intrigued by that.
0:15:43 > 0:15:48Do you try and freak people out by burying dead animals?
0:15:49 > 0:15:50In cars?
0:15:50 > 0:15:54- Not often, no.- That would be good. That would freak...
0:15:54 > 0:15:55They could come back up again!
0:15:55 > 0:15:57I'm thinking you'd freak someone out on Time Team -
0:15:57 > 0:16:01"Oh, my God, hamsters used to drive."
0:16:01 > 0:16:05There's also... Is that a gerbil trying to suck himself off?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08- That's a hamster you killed to put in there.- That's a hamster?
0:16:08 > 0:16:09What's he doing to himself? He looks...
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- Unbalanced.- He's unbalanced?- Mm.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14- You're telling me!- Yeah!
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Give me a clue.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Kind of like counselling.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Are you a...therapist for dogs?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Yes, in a way, but...
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Do you talk to the spirits of dead animals?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- Bingo!- Really?!
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- Is that really what you do?- Yes!
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- Wow.- And, actually, my main job is talking to animals that are living.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38All animals can communicate and chat.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42- Your main job is talking to animals? - Yeah.- So why are you in the news?
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Because, basically, I'm one of the UK's leading animal psychics,
0:16:45 > 0:16:47and I talk to celebrities' pets.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51- "One of the leading"? Are you the only?- No.
0:16:52 > 0:16:53Prove it!
0:16:53 > 0:16:55So I'm a dog.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- Good impression.- Thank you.- Yeah.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00What am I thinking? What am I thinking?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02"I look really stupid."
0:17:02 > 0:17:06I don't look stupid. I'm thinking, "I'm going shag your leg, woman!"
0:17:06 > 0:17:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Not to shit on your profession,
0:17:15 > 0:17:17but dogs are quite simplistic -
0:17:17 > 0:17:20"Can I eat it? Can I fuck it?"
0:17:21 > 0:17:23But it's not just dogs, it's...
0:17:23 > 0:17:24Cats, "Can I eat it? Can I fuck it?"
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- Hamsters, "Can I eat it?" - Ask the elephant.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- No, hamsters drive.- Yes.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31We've established that.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35OK. So, all right, which animals do you get on with best?
0:17:35 > 0:17:39Horses. I do a lot of work with horses, cos lots of horses have problems.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- Dogs.- Just back up there!
0:17:43 > 0:17:45What problems do they have?
0:17:45 > 0:17:46Oh, Lord!
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Have you ever had a horse that doesn't want to be a horse?
0:17:49 > 0:17:51"I want to be a badger!"
0:17:52 > 0:17:55So, are you going to teach me to be a psychic?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57- I am.- Yes!
0:17:57 > 0:18:01I actually think that you have got a touch of psychic about you. Lots of people are psychic,
0:18:01 > 0:18:05they don't know. In my job, I often teach people and they are like,
0:18:05 > 0:18:07"I didn't realise I could do that."
0:18:07 > 0:18:09I'd like to ask, if you show your T-shirt.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13- Why did you choose that? - Because a lady gave it to me.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Not because you had an inkling of the evening?
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- I didn't have an inkling. This is Hound of the Baskervilles.- Hound.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23- It does have the word "hound" in it, correct.- And a picture of something.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27I've also got a pair of pants on and across the pants are
0:18:27 > 0:18:30"Mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad."
0:18:30 > 0:18:31And here you are.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33LAUGHTER
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- That was cruel.- Yes.- I apologise.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41So, do you reckon you can do this?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- What, talk to dogs? - Yep, animals, full stop.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48Absolutely. Bring them out, I will talk to Chihuahuas, unicorns - the lot.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52- Anything!- Bring forward your animals and I shall communicate with them.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56- We shall. And as if by magic... - So, here we are.- Here we are.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00So, what we are going to do is ask the first animal to come on
0:19:00 > 0:19:04and you are going to tell them, "I am Russell. I can communicate with you"
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- and you're going to get information. - Good.- OK? So, and the first animal,
0:19:07 > 0:19:09please can you come on?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11AUDIENCE: Awww!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- Hi, how are you? - Not bad, how are you?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15- Very well, indeed.- Good, good.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18- This is Molly.- I knew that already.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20LAUGHTER
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Right, Molly. Molly? Molly.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25She seems scared.
0:19:25 > 0:19:30- She's seen your face.- She's saying, "I wish I'd been born a sheep."
0:19:30 > 0:19:33LAUGHTER
0:19:33 > 0:19:38She doesn't want to talk. She's using mind-blocking powers!
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Right, what I need you to do. We need to work out what she is like.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45I want you to ask this dog to give us three words to describe herself.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49See how you do. Say, "Give me three words to describe yourself."
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Look at her face. Beautiful face.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Molly, can you give me three words? Loving. Nervous.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57And...
0:19:57 > 0:20:00LAUGHTER
0:20:00 > 0:20:02..kind.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Aww. That's really sweet.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09- Well, out of those three words, What fits off that?- Sex pest.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:17 > 0:20:19RUSSELL CACKLES
0:20:19 > 0:20:22She's not a sex pest. She's clearly, I think, a fussy eater.
0:20:22 > 0:20:27No, I've got it wrong. She's not a fussy eater, what am I talking about?! She's high maintenance,
0:20:27 > 0:20:28that's what she is.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- There you go.- Nice to meet you, Molly, you lovely thing.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35The words I got from her were, "Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful."
0:20:35 > 0:20:37She's got a stutter?
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- Thank you so much for coming on. - Lovely dog. Nice to meet you.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46APPLAUSE
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- Next one.- Bring out the beast!
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- Oh, no way.- It's so cute.- No.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04It's like a '70s muff.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07I don't like 'em.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10I just don't like the guys. I'm sorry, mate.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14- It's OK.- "Mate"! It can understand what you say.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16- I'm sorry. - Good, she understood that.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18What's your name and what's your animal?
0:21:18 > 0:21:22- I'm Becky.- Hi, you seem lovely, except for this beast.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24This is Albie, the Guinea pig.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Oh, dear.
0:21:27 > 0:21:28They creep me out.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30They are, like...
0:21:32 > 0:21:36He'd be in your trousers, that swine, look at him. Sex pest.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37LAUGHTER
0:21:37 > 0:21:43- She's just said to me, "My hair is neater than yours."- That is true.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Absolutely. She's clearly a bully. She's come on here
0:21:45 > 0:21:47and had a go at my hair.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Yes! You are so spot on!
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- Nearly.- I'm glad I said all those horrible things about you.
0:21:54 > 0:21:59- Give her a rosette. - Not giving anything to the bitch! She had a go at my hair!
0:21:59 > 0:22:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:03 > 0:22:07She is a bully, but... I'm sorry.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08See you later! Bye!
0:22:08 > 0:22:10APPLAUSE
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Thank you very much for coming on.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!- Thank you.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25If you're going on holiday soon, you need to look away now.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28'In a recent survey, nearly half of UK pilots
0:22:28 > 0:22:30'admitted falling asleep by mistake.'
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Holy shit!
0:22:34 > 0:22:37LABOURED BREATHING
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Thank God for the co-pilots.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43'And a third of them woke up to find the co-pilot asleep, as well.'
0:22:43 > 0:22:47SON OF A BITCH!
0:22:47 > 0:22:51I bet anyone who has booked a flight this week is shitting it!
0:22:51 > 0:22:53It's ridiculous! We can't take fluids on board,
0:22:53 > 0:22:55they're having a fucking nap!
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Mind you, there is a great prank to be played. Know what I'd do?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02If I was a pilot and the bloke next to me fell asleep,
0:23:02 > 0:23:04do you know what I would do? "We're going to crash!"
0:23:04 > 0:23:07"Oh! Oh! Oh! I wish you wouldn't do that."
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Either that or I would dress up like this bloke!
0:23:11 > 0:23:13LAUGHTER
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Mind you, there are worse ways to wake up.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24KLAXON SHRIEKS
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Not that it's the strangest travel news. Have a look at this.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Viagra cures jet lag?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50DEEP-PITCHED: Very nice!
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Imagine the passengers arriving in the airport.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57"Grandad's here." "Does he look tired from the flight?"
0:23:59 > 0:24:03"Not really. He looks really happy.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07"Nan looks knackered."
0:24:10 > 0:24:13You can't have Viagra on planes! What about the flight attendants?
0:24:13 > 0:24:14"Good journey?"
0:24:14 > 0:24:19"Not really. A lot of turbulence, actually.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21"I fell over on a cock."
0:24:24 > 0:24:26My one favourite part of this story
0:24:26 > 0:24:30is the insane way they tested the Viagra.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45That's correct. They pumped Viagra into a mouse and took it on a plane.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Imagine him checking in. "Anything to declare?"
0:24:49 > 0:24:51"Yeah!"
0:24:51 > 0:24:55"This bad boy. Look at it!"
0:24:59 > 0:25:02"Please tell me you've got Stuart Little on DVD."
0:25:04 > 0:25:07It's madness. Giving mice Viagra won't cure jet lag,
0:25:07 > 0:25:09it will just leave them horny and confused.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Talking of sex and tourism,
0:25:14 > 0:25:16have you seen what a hotel in Cumbria has done?
0:25:22 > 0:25:26Well, that is going to surprise someone in the night.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30"Just have a quick read of this lovely book. That would be nice.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33"Ooh! Jesus Christ!
0:25:33 > 0:25:36"No wonder Moses had a burning bush."
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Did you see the owner of the hotel on the news?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Could he possibly sound like a bigger pervert?
0:25:45 > 0:25:48I've got a feeling that the male guests will get the benefit
0:25:48 > 0:25:50after the ladies have finished reading it.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52AUDIENCE RECOIL
0:25:52 > 0:25:53He's horrible, isn't he?
0:25:53 > 0:25:56"The male guests are going to really enjoy it."
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Haaaah!
0:25:58 > 0:26:00But what I want to know...
0:26:00 > 0:26:05who wants a second-hand copy of 50 Shades of Grey?
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Imagine that. That book would have had more middle-aged fingers on it
0:26:08 > 0:26:09than this guy's dick.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12LAUGHTER
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Mind you, there are worse things to find in your hotel drawer!
0:26:15 > 0:26:17A baby Jesus butt plug!
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Finally, a story about a man with a brilliant invention.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49There you go. What a genius.
0:27:49 > 0:27:50APPLAUSE
0:27:54 > 0:27:58Now it is time for my stand-up guest. She comes all the way from Canada and her show
0:27:58 > 0:28:04was a major highlight of this year's Edinburgh Festival, so please welcome the wonderful Mae Martin!
0:28:04 > 0:28:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:10 > 0:28:11Hi, guys.
0:28:12 > 0:28:13Hi, how's it going?
0:28:15 > 0:28:17I'm Justin Bieber. Um...
0:28:17 > 0:28:19LAUGHTER
0:28:19 > 0:28:22This is great, I'm so excited. I asked if they'd provide a small box,
0:28:22 > 0:28:26so that I could assume this position for confidence reasons.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Um, I find this position very helpful. I highly recommend it
0:28:29 > 0:28:32at job interviews, at formal dinner parties.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Open up the pelvis, it works wonders.
0:28:34 > 0:28:38This is the best! I'm so excited, guys.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41I moved over recently from Canada. I came over in a canoe...
0:28:41 > 0:28:43LAUGHTER
0:28:43 > 0:28:47..with Celine Dion. She was at the helm of the canoe, just like...
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Wouldn't paddle the whole time. It was so annoying.
0:28:50 > 0:28:54This is a stressful island to live. I really admire you guys for living here.
0:28:54 > 0:28:59I feel you're up against a lot. This is the most stressful place and what pushes me to the brink
0:28:59 > 0:29:03of a nervous breakdown is BBC documentaries about quantum physics
0:29:03 > 0:29:07and quantum mechanics. Do you know Professor Brian Cox?
0:29:07 > 0:29:10- ALL: Yes! - That guy is my Nemesis.
0:29:10 > 0:29:14If I meet him I will flick him in the nose. I feel like he's the worst.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16I will just... And his floppy hair.
0:29:16 > 0:29:20He casually makes these statements about the nature of existence
0:29:20 > 0:29:24and reality and we're meant to just get on with our lives, like it's no big deal.
0:29:24 > 0:29:25You know Wonders of the Universe?
0:29:25 > 0:29:26ALL: Yes.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29At the end of every episode, he summaries what we've learned.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32I'll try and do his accent.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34Does he always have one foot propped up on a mountain?
0:29:34 > 0:29:37Isn't he always on Everest, talking about quantum theory?
0:29:37 > 0:29:42And he'll be, like, "So, our bodies, this rock,
0:29:42 > 0:29:45"the planet, matter itself, it doesn't strictly speaking,
0:29:45 > 0:29:49on a molecular level, exist at all."
0:29:47 > 0:29:49LAUGHTER
0:29:49 > 0:29:51"Coming up next, Strictly Come Dancing." What?!!
0:29:51 > 0:29:56You mean matter doesn't exist! I feel like it's a full-time job
0:29:56 > 0:30:01trying to forget what Brian Cox says, so that I can live a normal life.
0:30:01 > 0:30:04I'm working on my British accents. That was OK, right?
0:30:04 > 0:30:05ALL: Yes!
0:30:05 > 0:30:09Is Brian Cox in the bank? Anyone here not from England?
0:30:09 > 0:30:11- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah! - Couple of people.
0:30:11 > 0:30:15I feel if you're not from here and you're trying to polish an English accent,
0:30:15 > 0:30:18there's only three sentences that you really need to polish.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21First one is...(ACCENTED) "Packet of Mini-Cheddars."
0:30:21 > 0:30:22"Packet of Mini-Cheddars."
0:30:22 > 0:30:25The second one, my personal favourite, is,
0:30:25 > 0:30:27ACCENTED: "Hiya, you all right?"
0:30:27 > 0:30:28LAUGHTER
0:30:28 > 0:30:30What is that?!
0:30:30 > 0:30:31"Hiya, you all right?"
0:30:31 > 0:30:33We don't have that in the rest of the world.
0:30:33 > 0:30:36That's your special thing. "Hiya, you all right?"
0:30:36 > 0:30:41"No, not any more. I'm not all right. I'm terrible. I'm terrible now."
0:30:41 > 0:30:46And the third one is, "Mr Potter, kindly return to the Gryffindor common room at once!"
0:30:46 > 0:30:47That's a...
0:30:47 > 0:30:48CHEERING
0:30:50 > 0:30:55Professor McGonagall. I love Harry Potter. I love HP.
0:30:55 > 0:30:56Do you guys like HP?
0:30:56 > 0:30:57SOME CHEERING
0:30:57 > 0:31:01Have you ever read erotic Harry Potter fan fiction on the internet?
0:31:02 > 0:31:04Me, neither. Me, neither.
0:31:04 > 0:31:10There is a lot of good stuff out there. I have a written a song, a short song, about erotic fiction.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14Are you guys up for a song? Is that cool?
0:31:14 > 0:31:15WHOOPING
0:31:15 > 0:31:19Be good if I just played Justin Bieber covers, really seriously.
0:31:23 > 0:31:25A short song about my internet habits.
0:31:26 > 0:31:31# When I don't care what you do with my ashes
0:31:31 > 0:31:35# I don't mind if you throw my body in the sea
0:31:37 > 0:31:41# Just promise me, please That somebody'll go to my apartment
0:31:41 > 0:31:45# Smash my computer and delete my internet browser history
0:31:45 > 0:31:48# So my friends and family don't see
0:31:48 > 0:31:51# How much I Googled cast members of Glee
0:31:51 > 0:31:55# And erotic fan faction about It's going to be too much information
0:31:55 > 0:31:58# Bellatrix and Hermione. #
0:31:58 > 0:31:59That's it.
0:31:59 > 0:32:02CHEERING
0:32:07 > 0:32:11Bellatrix and Hermione. Very popular on the old fan fiction websites.
0:32:11 > 0:32:16I have a tip for you, guys. I'm not saying you will, but if you ever stumble upon
0:32:16 > 0:32:18any lesbian erotic fiction on your internet travels -
0:32:18 > 0:32:24I'm not saying you will, but if you do - this is my tip on how to tell that the erotic fiction
0:32:24 > 0:32:27was not written by a lesbian, but definitely by a straight man.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30It will definitely contain the sentence,
0:32:30 > 0:32:33"Their hands curiously explored each other's bodies."
0:32:33 > 0:32:37What is that?! There's nothing hot about being curiously explored. Is that right?
0:32:39 > 0:32:41It's the grossest. There's nothing...
0:32:41 > 0:32:43Nobody wants to be curiously explored.
0:32:43 > 0:32:48Everybody just wants to get fingered. It's simple.
0:32:47 > 0:32:48LAUGHTER
0:32:48 > 0:32:50It's not complicated. I feel like...
0:32:50 > 0:32:54I spend a lot of time on the internet. It's easy to get stuck online, right?
0:32:54 > 0:32:59You get stuck in these loops of Facebook, Gmail, YouTube, Twitter.
0:32:59 > 0:33:01The other day I was stuck in one of these trances,
0:33:01 > 0:33:05Facebook, YouTube, Twitter and I broke the trance to do the dishes.
0:33:05 > 0:33:09I was washing the dishes and feeling the soapy water on my hands
0:33:09 > 0:33:11and looking at the sunset.
0:33:11 > 0:33:16I was like, "Man, I learn more about myself and the universe in six
0:33:16 > 0:33:19"minutes washing the dishes than I do in six hours on the Internet."
0:33:19 > 0:33:22I was like, "That's good, I've got to tweet that!"
0:33:22 > 0:33:25I left the dishes unfinished, ran to the computer.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28I didn't have enough characters on Twitter so I panicked,
0:33:28 > 0:33:29"I like dishes!"
0:33:32 > 0:33:35But I feel pretty lost in my life, I feel like I lack purpose
0:33:35 > 0:33:39and direction and I came to England to find myself.
0:33:39 > 0:33:43My dream, my ultimate dream, is that one day someone will give me
0:33:43 > 0:33:46one clear task to complete in my life.
0:33:46 > 0:33:48Do that one thing and forget everything else,
0:33:48 > 0:33:52avenge the death of your father, best one for focus.
0:33:52 > 0:33:56So jealous of people with murdered fathers.
0:34:00 > 0:34:04But the best quest and purpose in life is to find and destroy
0:34:04 > 0:34:08all seven horcruxes containing fragments of Lord Voldemort's soul.
0:34:08 > 0:34:12I am so jealous of Harry Potter and Frodo Baggins.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15And Luke Skywalker and all those assholes.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18I feel like they never wake up in the morning and go like,
0:34:18 > 0:34:20"Should I start a blog?"
0:34:20 > 0:34:22You don't have time, you have stuff to avenge.
0:34:22 > 0:34:27I feel like life is so vague and, do whatever you want, it's your life.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29Live it up but you had better be the best at it
0:34:29 > 0:34:32because your brother is a lawyer and we are very proud of him.
0:34:34 > 0:34:37Yeah, so I feel a little bit gay, shockingly.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39Anyone else feel a little gay?
0:34:39 > 0:34:43Yeah, I don't know why people are a little bit gay.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45It's like, it's like being born on a leap year.
0:34:45 > 0:34:47It's a fun cool thing you get to be born with.
0:34:47 > 0:34:51Some people are born gay, some achieve gayness,
0:34:51 > 0:34:53and some have gayness thrust upon them.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56Maybe.
0:34:56 > 0:34:59But it adds to the confusion of life but the gay thing is more
0:34:59 > 0:35:02confusing for straight people than for gay people.
0:35:02 > 0:35:05For us, we get on with it, it's what we do.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08But I frequently have this exchange with my straight male friends
0:35:08 > 0:35:11when they are like, you are a lesbian, that's awesome.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14I am into that, that's cool.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16But in your relationship with your girlfriend,
0:35:16 > 0:35:18which one of you is the man of the relationship?
0:35:18 > 0:35:22Like, fair enough question but we are genuinely both women.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25That's the point.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27That is the essence of the arrangement that we've made.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30"But which one of you represents the man?"
0:35:30 > 0:35:33And it's like saying to a vegetarian, "You're vegetarian, that's the best.
0:35:33 > 0:35:37"Which part of this salad represents the pork chop?"
0:35:37 > 0:35:40No, it's made of vegetables.
0:35:40 > 0:35:44"Which vegetable wears the strap on?" is what they are asking.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50The answer is all of the vegetables.
0:35:50 > 0:35:52Even the long-haired vegetables, sometimes wear them.
0:35:52 > 0:35:54That's the answer.
0:35:54 > 0:35:57And when they do, it's very exciting for the short-haired vegetables.
0:35:58 > 0:36:01And it is stressful establishing yourself socially in a new country.
0:36:01 > 0:36:05You come over, you get off the plane, nobody knows you,
0:36:05 > 0:36:06and birthdays are really stressful.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08It's hard to know who to invite to your birthday,
0:36:08 > 0:36:11and I had a big birthday recently.
0:36:11 > 0:36:12I turned 41 recently.
0:36:13 > 0:36:15I'm joking! I didn't turn 41.
0:36:15 > 0:36:18No, I turned 25 recently, which is like a real...
0:36:18 > 0:36:21a serious human age to be, right?
0:36:21 > 0:36:23It's a proper adult age.
0:36:23 > 0:36:24It's the kind of age, I feel like,
0:36:24 > 0:36:27where you should know definitively whether or not you like olives.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32I'm on the fence about olives! I think I like green ones
0:36:32 > 0:36:34and not black ones. Is that a thing? SOME AGREEMENT
0:36:34 > 0:36:36OK, thanks, guys. Cool.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39But yeah, so I've written a song about birthdays.
0:36:39 > 0:36:41I'm going to sing a song about birthdays.
0:36:41 > 0:36:45OK. How's everyone doing? Another song - is that cool?
0:36:45 > 0:36:46CHEERS
0:36:48 > 0:36:50True stories about birthdays, guys.
0:36:51 > 0:36:55# A birthday is a special day, it comes once a year
0:36:55 > 0:36:58# Forget the world is ending and just be of good cheer
0:36:58 > 0:37:01# You wake up in the morning and your grandma calls
0:37:01 > 0:37:02# And you spend an hour crying
0:37:02 > 0:37:05# Cos only 14 people wrote on your Facebook wall...
0:37:05 > 0:37:08LAUGHTER
0:37:08 > 0:37:10# And your ex wrote "Happy birthday"
0:37:10 > 0:37:13# with a lower case 'b' followed by dot dot dot... #
0:37:13 > 0:37:15It's just "Happy birthday..."
0:37:15 > 0:37:18# What the hell is that supposed to mean?
0:37:18 > 0:37:21# At work, they tie a balloon to your wheelie chair
0:37:21 > 0:37:24# They got you a cupcake - not a real cake - and you pretend not to care
0:37:24 > 0:37:27# But it was Christina's birthday last week and they did get her a real cake
0:37:27 > 0:37:30# And she's only a temp, so surely there's been some mistake
0:37:30 > 0:37:32# Because a cupcake's not the same as a cake
0:37:32 > 0:37:34# It's only one fifth of the size
0:37:34 > 0:37:37# A cupcake's not the same as a cake
0:37:37 > 0:37:40# But it's not a big deal, I'm just grateful that you remembered
0:37:40 > 0:37:43# It's the time of your life until your best friend mentions... #
0:37:43 > 0:37:45"Oh, my God, you must love birthdays,
0:37:45 > 0:37:47"cos you love being the centre of attention."
0:37:47 > 0:37:49Thank you, Stephanie. Thanks for coming. Appreciate it.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52# You started off fresh but now you're feeling muddled
0:37:52 > 0:37:54# People buying you shots like they want to get you in trouble
0:37:54 > 0:37:56# And Stephanie's like, #
0:37:56 > 0:37:57"Isn't it weird for you that you're single
0:37:57 > 0:37:59"but all your friends are in couples?"
0:37:59 > 0:38:01Thanks, Stephanie. Thank you so much for coming.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03You really know me so well.
0:38:03 > 0:38:05# On second thoughts, make that gin and tonic a double
0:38:05 > 0:38:08# Cos it's your birthday and you're older and wiser
0:38:08 > 0:38:10# But don't feel sad
0:38:10 > 0:38:14# Even if you celebrate the same way as last year
0:38:14 > 0:38:16# By throwing up a kebab
0:38:16 > 0:38:19# And crying
0:38:19 > 0:38:22# And crying and crying and crying in the bathroom
0:38:22 > 0:38:24# That a cupcake's not the same as a cake
0:38:24 > 0:38:27# It's only one fifth of the size
0:38:27 > 0:38:29# A cupcake's not the same as a cake
0:38:29 > 0:38:30# But it's not a big deal. #
0:38:30 > 0:38:32I'm just grateful that you remembered.
0:38:32 > 0:38:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:38 > 0:38:39Thanks, guys.
0:38:43 > 0:38:45So, yeah.
0:38:45 > 0:38:49As you get older, though, in life, you're meant to mellow out, right?
0:38:49 > 0:38:51You're meant to get less anxious and stressed
0:38:51 > 0:38:54and mellow into a kind of normal human existence,
0:38:54 > 0:38:57but I feel like I'm getting just more wound up and more uptight,
0:38:57 > 0:38:59and I think I put my finger on why it is,
0:38:59 > 0:39:02and I don't want to be a downer on Russell Howard's Good News,
0:39:02 > 0:39:05but I feel like the world is ending.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07It is ending a little bit, right?
0:39:07 > 0:39:09Like, it's a little bit shit, the world?
0:39:09 > 0:39:12I feel like there are signs everywhere that the world is ending.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15There's global warming, stuff with the economy,
0:39:15 > 0:39:19and the most obvious sign that the world is ending, Keha exists.
0:39:19 > 0:39:23But I think I really internalised the Mayan 2012 prophecy.
0:39:23 > 0:39:26I really took that on board, and now I'm seeing signs everywhere.
0:39:26 > 0:39:29I'm feeling stressed about it, and I was saying to my girlfriend,
0:39:29 > 0:39:32"I feel like I go to parties, it's on the tip of everyone's tongue.
0:39:32 > 0:39:34"Everyone's talking about the end of the world." And she was like,
0:39:34 > 0:39:36"That's cos you bring it up
0:39:36 > 0:39:38"in every conversation that we're ever in,
0:39:38 > 0:39:40"and you're the worst at parties.
0:39:40 > 0:39:41"And I want to break up," she said.
0:39:41 > 0:39:43On Skype. Yesterday.
0:39:43 > 0:39:44No, just kidding.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46But I do stress out about it,
0:39:46 > 0:39:49so what I've done to combat those feelings of anxiety
0:39:49 > 0:39:52about the world ending is, I've come up with a scenario
0:39:52 > 0:39:55in which the world ending might not be such a bad thing.
0:39:55 > 0:39:57It might be kind of a fun party time for all of us,
0:39:57 > 0:39:59and we can all just have a nice time.
0:39:59 > 0:40:01So I've written a song about that, and then I'm going to go,
0:40:01 > 0:40:03but this has been great.
0:40:03 > 0:40:07It's just an uplifting track about the End of Days.
0:40:07 > 0:40:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:16 > 0:40:17CLEARS THROAT
0:40:17 > 0:40:20# I don't think I have to go to work today
0:40:20 > 0:40:23# I'm just going to stay in bed
0:40:23 > 0:40:26# Because today is a special day
0:40:26 > 0:40:29# The whole of Great Britain is crawling with undead
0:40:29 > 0:40:31# Crawling with undead...
0:40:31 > 0:40:33It's a happy song, guys! It's an uplifting...
0:40:33 > 0:40:35LAUGHTER
0:40:35 > 0:40:37# And I've seen the movies, so I know to steal a car
0:40:37 > 0:40:40# And drive out to the woods, get away from city centres
0:40:40 > 0:40:43# And I don't want to brag, but I did kind of see this coming
0:40:43 > 0:40:45# And ever since Y2K
0:40:45 > 0:40:48# I've been stockpiling canned goods in my basement
0:40:50 > 0:40:52# Now they're coming through the windows
0:40:52 > 0:40:55# And zombies are surrounding my flatmate
0:40:55 > 0:40:57# I gotta leave that bitch behind
0:40:57 > 0:41:00# Just leave Janine behind and start running now, don't wait
0:41:00 > 0:41:04# There's no time to hesitate
0:41:04 > 0:41:06# To be fair, we never really got along that well anyway
0:41:06 > 0:41:08# Because she never does the dishes. #
0:41:08 > 0:41:11And she leaves her stuff all over the living room
0:41:11 > 0:41:13and that's meant to be shared space, so...
0:41:13 > 0:41:16# It's funny how the power dynamic flips
0:41:16 > 0:41:19# In the midst of a zombie apocalypse
0:41:19 > 0:41:20# Janine needs a ride
0:41:20 > 0:41:22# She's knocking on my car window cos she needs a lift
0:41:22 > 0:41:24And I'm like, "Oh, my God, I'm really sorry, Janine,
0:41:24 > 0:41:26"It's a really full car.
0:41:26 > 0:41:29"I'm a nervous driver, so I just don't think...
0:41:29 > 0:41:31"I mean, you can't sit in the front seat,
0:41:31 > 0:41:32"I have my coat there, so...
0:41:32 > 0:41:35"And in the back, I have a book. I'm sure you'll be fine, though.
0:41:35 > 0:41:37"I know you're an avid jogger, so I'm sure you'll be fine."
0:41:37 > 0:41:40# It's funny how the power dynamic flips
0:41:40 > 0:41:42# In the midst of a zombie apocalypse
0:41:42 > 0:41:43# Janine needs a ride
0:41:43 > 0:41:46# At this point she really desperately needs a lift
0:41:46 > 0:41:47# I bet she wishes she hadn't left
0:41:47 > 0:41:50# That passive-aggressive note on the fridge...
0:41:50 > 0:41:54# It's a bad day for the planet, but the best day of my life. #
0:41:54 > 0:41:57Thank you so much, guys. I've been Mae Martin.
0:41:57 > 0:41:58Thanks.
0:42:00 > 0:42:04Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Mae Martin!
0:42:04 > 0:42:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:06 > 0:42:10Thank you very much for watching Good News. Goodnight.
0:42:10 > 0:42:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:34 > 0:42:37Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd