0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language
0:00:24 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Thank you very much indeed.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Hello and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Over on BBC breakfast, Charlie Stayt revealed his favourite chat-up line.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43What does sausage taste like?
0:00:46 > 0:00:50But that's nothing. Look at Jeremy Paxman's ultimate ambition.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53To rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57This guy couldn't believe it.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00GOAT SCREAMS
0:01:00 > 0:01:04On Russia Today, they found Mario, and he's gone bad!
0:01:04 > 0:01:06MAN LAUGHS EVILLY
0:01:08 > 0:01:13Over in Australia, these two shared the craziest drinking story ever.
0:01:13 > 0:01:18Actually, I got hopelessly drunk on Friday afternoon and...
0:01:18 > 0:01:19HE SNIGGERS
0:01:19 > 0:01:23- ..management were there, you know, God.- And I witnessed it.
0:01:23 > 0:01:29And I was drunk, and I picked up a piece of food on my fork
0:01:29 > 0:01:32and stuck it into my cheek.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38It was the funniest thing!
0:01:38 > 0:01:42MUMBLES HYSTERICALLY
0:01:42 > 0:01:46I've never seen people that happy in my life.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Well, maybe I have. This guy REALLY likes tropical storms.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Now, this is a tropical storm.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56You say, "Dan, why are you showing me this?" Because John's...
0:01:56 > 0:01:59DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:06 > 0:02:08So, what's been going on?
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Did you hear about this -
0:02:09 > 0:02:13the government are looking to recruit a brand-new breed of spy.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16A new scheme to recruit apprentice cyber spies
0:02:16 > 0:02:18has been launched by the Government.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Up to 100 18-year-olds will be given the chance
0:02:20 > 0:02:23to train for a career in the Secret Service.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26We're going to have 18-year-old spies!
0:02:26 > 0:02:29"Ah, Mr Bond, I've been expecting you."
0:02:29 > 0:02:30"Whatever, slaphead."
0:02:36 > 0:02:39"Stop stroking your cat, you look like a paedo."
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Imagine them getting interrogated. "Where have you been?"
0:02:44 > 0:02:45"Nowhere!"
0:02:45 > 0:02:46"Who were you with?"
0:02:46 > 0:02:47"No-one!"
0:02:47 > 0:02:49"Who do you work for?"
0:02:49 > 0:02:51"Nando's."
0:02:53 > 0:02:55They'll be awful. Imagine them with Bond girls!
0:02:55 > 0:02:59"Your name's Pussy Galore. Is that because you've got a massive fanny?"
0:03:03 > 0:03:05They'd be terrible with gadgets.
0:03:05 > 0:03:10You give an 18-year-old a laser, he won't use it to spy with.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20APPLAUSE
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Mind you, the police need a bit of help.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30Did you hear about this cock-up from Chorley?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Lancashire Police have apologised
0:03:32 > 0:03:35for firing a taser stun gun at a blind man.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39They tasered a blind man.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42GOAT SCREAMS
0:03:43 > 0:03:46It gets worse. Look why they did it.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49His white stick was mistaken for a Samurai sword.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54They thought he was a Ninja!
0:03:54 > 0:03:59When have you ever seen a Ninja attack someone like this?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Imagine the moment they got him.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09"I've got that Ninja bastard.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11"He won't be troubling our streets again.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19"Oh, bollocks! I should have gone to Specsavers."
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Either way, apparently his guide dog couldn't believe it.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Mind you, there is one bloke I'd love to see tasered.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33The BNP leader Nick Griffin is being investigated by police
0:04:33 > 0:04:36for tweeting the address of a gay couple
0:04:36 > 0:04:38who won a landmark legal battle.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Mr Griffin urged his followers to demonstrate outside their house
0:04:41 > 0:04:44after a court ruled they'd been discriminated against
0:04:44 > 0:04:45because of their sexuality.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48What a prick. They were turned away...
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- APPLAUSE - Exactly, right.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53APPLAUSE
0:04:53 > 0:04:56They were turned away by a hotel because they were gay
0:04:56 > 0:04:59and Griffin told his dickhead supporters where they live.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01But don't worry, I've tweeted his address to this guy...
0:05:05 > 0:05:09What I want to know - how does Griffin know the address of gay men?
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Nick...
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Are you on Grinder?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Did you see what he tweeted?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19'This is the tweet that he sent.'
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Heterophobia?!
0:05:22 > 0:05:24When have you ever seen a gay bloke go,
0:05:24 > 0:05:28"Come on, lads, let's go straight bashing.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30"I hate those fanny bandits!
0:05:30 > 0:05:34"But let's do it quick, there's a double episode of Glee on later
0:05:34 > 0:05:36"and I'm not going to miss it."
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Nick Griffin is an idiot.
0:05:38 > 0:05:43You can't stop people staying in a hotel just cos they're gay. Christ!
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Imagine the kind of hotel the BNP would run.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47BELL CHIMES
0:05:47 > 0:05:50'Welcome to the BNP BnB.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53'Our sheets are white and so are the guests.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58'Stay with us and you'll get a full English breakfast,
0:05:58 > 0:06:01'but we don't do black pudding!'
0:06:11 > 0:06:16'BNP BnB, we're here but we ain't queer!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20'Book now and get a free Queen CD.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24'Oh, he's not, is he?'
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Over in America, check out this headline.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Now, I shouldn't laugh, but a week later, they replaced it with this...
0:06:38 > 0:06:41'The statue's owner says that the vandals returned about a week later
0:06:41 > 0:06:44and replaced its head with this gnome.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Such a weird crime!
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Who looks at the Virgin Mary and goes,
0:06:52 > 0:06:55"What she needs is a beard and a pipe."
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Do you reckon somewhere there's a statue of Mary
0:06:57 > 0:06:59just holding a fishing rod?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Mind you, that has got nothing on this next crime.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07This may be the scariest story you will ever see.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Someone stole his penis!
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23The tooth fairy's fucking lost it!
0:07:27 > 0:07:32"I'm fed up of teeth. From now on, I shall be known as the Knobgoblin."
0:07:40 > 0:07:43He had his penis stolen!
0:07:43 > 0:07:45So, who actually took it?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Was it his wife? Was it a scorned lover? Oh, no!
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Four men!
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Four men! How big was his dick?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Four men!
0:08:02 > 0:08:06"Jerry, Jerry, get a lorry, this monster's got some girth."
0:08:06 > 0:08:09IMITATES LORRY REVERSE SIGNAL
0:08:10 > 0:08:14My favourite part of the story is definitely this bloke's reaction.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18It's sick for anybody to steal someone's penis.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20That's their penis, it's not yours.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22It's their penis, it belongs on their body!
0:08:22 > 0:08:25You have your own penis, you play with your own penis, man,
0:08:25 > 0:08:27you don't go round stealing a penis, man.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30That's a no-no, man, that's how you get killed!
0:08:32 > 0:08:36APPLAUSE
0:08:36 > 0:08:38I love that part on the end -
0:08:38 > 0:08:41"Don't steal a man's penis, that's how you get killed."
0:08:41 > 0:08:43No, it isn't.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Nobody has ever been murdered for stealing a dick.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51I've seen many episodes of Miss Marple.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Not once has she said,
0:08:53 > 0:08:57"Cause of death - he was a cock snatcher!
0:08:57 > 0:09:01"Check his pockets, they're stuffed full of dick."
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Do you know the worst thing?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Apparently a week later the thieves broke in
0:09:05 > 0:09:07and replaced the man's penis with this...
0:09:10 > 0:09:13APPLAUSE
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Mind you, I've saved the most serious crime story for last.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20If you're of a nervous disposition, you need to look away now.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22This is truly terrifying.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24'Police are taking this very seriously'
0:09:24 > 0:09:27and opened a felony theft investigation
0:09:27 > 0:09:29into the disappearance of a pen.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Holy shit!
0:09:31 > 0:09:33GOAT SCREAMS
0:09:33 > 0:09:36I can't believe they called the police.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38"Officer, I'd like to report a crime.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44"They've taken my biro."
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Mind you, that's nothing. Did you see how people reacted online?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Don't steal a man's pen!
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Man, that's a man's pen! Play with your own pen!
0:09:55 > 0:09:58That's how you get yourself killed!
0:10:03 > 0:10:08In sporting news, did you see the England-Poland game that never was?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11There's anger and disappointment amongst England fans tonight
0:10:11 > 0:10:14after the team's World Cup qualifier against Poland
0:10:14 > 0:10:17was called off after hours of rain in Warsaw.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20It's been rained off in a ground that's got a roof!
0:10:22 > 0:10:26The Polish FA spent 400 million on a stadium with a roof
0:10:26 > 0:10:29but the roof doesn't work when it's raining.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Mind you, think that's bad,
0:10:31 > 0:10:33you should see their brand-new heated pool.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35See the skill!
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Argh!
0:10:36 > 0:10:40GROANS AND APPLAUSE
0:10:43 > 0:10:45The English fans were livid.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49"We've come here from miles away! We've wasted so much money!"
0:10:49 > 0:10:52The Polish fans, fair to say, they got into the spirit of things.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57MUSIC: "Chariots Of Fire" by Vangelis
0:11:21 > 0:11:24It's just the joy as he escaped.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28The commentators had to fill air for two hours.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31My highlight, the look on Roy Keane's face
0:11:31 > 0:11:36when Adrian Chiles asked him the dullest question ever.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38We were expecting heavy rain, but not a downpour.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41That's something we can debate long into the night -
0:11:41 > 0:11:44when does a heavy rain become an actual downpour?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55"Roy, Roy, when... Roy, when does mist become fog?"
0:11:57 > 0:12:00"Roy, Roy, when does bread become toast?"
0:12:02 > 0:12:04They should have had my grandad commentate.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07He wouldn't have run out of things to say. That man's hilarious, right.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10I was watching the game with him and he genuinely said this halfway through.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13"Here, that pitch is wetter than a wanker's rag."
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Then he looked at me and said, "How is your brother?"
0:12:24 > 0:12:27It's been a bad week for the Tories.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Chancellor George Osborne has found himself embroiled in an embarrassing
0:12:30 > 0:12:33episode on a train tonight after failing to pay the full fare.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35'George Osborne faced ridicule
0:12:35 > 0:12:37'after entering a first-class carriage yesterday
0:12:37 > 0:12:39'with a standard ticket.'
0:12:39 > 0:12:41He refused to leave first class
0:12:41 > 0:12:44even though he only had a standard class ticket.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48How much would you love to have done that train announcement?
0:12:48 > 0:12:51"We apologise for the late running of the train,
0:12:51 > 0:12:54"a multimillionaire is refusing to pay his way.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58"As all available toilets are broken,
0:12:58 > 0:13:00"I recommend you piss in his shoes."
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Did you see what his assistant said?
0:13:09 > 0:13:13"He can't sit in there, he'll catch poor!"
0:13:14 > 0:13:18What a tosser! When you think about it, we pay Osborne's wages,
0:13:18 > 0:13:22so I say, as a punishment, we make him travel everywhere in this.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27It wasn't just Osborne making headlines.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29There was another Tory posh boy in trouble.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32The Chief Whip Andrew Mitchell has finally resigned
0:13:32 > 0:13:34after widespread criticism
0:13:34 > 0:13:36of his foul-mouthed confrontation with police.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Did you see what he called the police?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40- Plebs.- Pleb.- Pleb.- Plebs.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- Plebs.- Plebs.- Pleb!
0:13:44 > 0:13:48Apparently the police called him a Charlie Uncle November Tango.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Either way, they were fairly happy with his resignation.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Over in the US, Barack Obama is back in the presidential race.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Barack Obama has come out fighting in the battle for the White House.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Damn right! Did you watch the debate?
0:14:15 > 0:14:19Romney tried his best but Obama played his trump card.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22We can get this economy going again. My five-point plan does it.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Energy independence for North America in five years.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Getting us to a balanced budget.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Fixing our training programs for our workers.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32And finally, championing small business.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Osama Bin Laden is dead.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Boom!
0:14:47 > 0:14:50I can get his head if you want, bitch!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01There's a mystery guest who's been in the news, and I have to figure out who that person is,
0:15:01 > 0:15:03so please welcome our mystery guest.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:04 > 0:15:07MUSIC: "No One Knows" by Queens Of The Stone Age
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Hello. Nice to meet you. I'm Russell. How are you?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Appreciate it, Russell. My name's Alan.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Hello, Alan. Nice to meet you.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Um... Alan.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30You appear to have brought some sausages on.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Plenty of sausages for you to enjoy.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Is that why you're in the news? Because you sell sausages?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Yes, we do sell sausages.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41There was a man over there wolf-whistling your sausage, Alan.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Do people often wolf-whistle at your sausage?- Definitely.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- Various sizes, you see.- Yeah.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:02 > 0:16:05What's the biggest sausage you've ever seen?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Erm...
0:16:07 > 0:16:08I can make them as long as you want.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12- You can make them as long as you want?- Up to 60 yards.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- A 60-yard sausage?- Yeah.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19What an amazing nickname that would be.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22"Here comes Alan." "Look alive, it's 60-yard Sausage!"
0:16:24 > 0:16:27So, I'm going to need more help, because obviously...
0:16:27 > 0:16:31You want a bit of help? Well, we're in the sausage business.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34We are a butchers. I judge competitions all over the country.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36- You do competitions? - Judge competitions.- Judge?- Yes.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- You judge people's sausage?- Yeah.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40I'm at, uh...
0:16:40 > 0:16:45The Reebok Stadium next Wednesday judging a sausage competition.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Let's just savour that sentence.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51You're going to be in a stadium judging sausages.
0:16:51 > 0:16:56OK, so can you tell me exactly why you're in the news? Is that OK?
0:16:56 > 0:16:59I just won the Best Sausage in Britain...
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Which is the Champion of Champions.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06The Champion of Champions. There he is.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:10 > 0:17:14We've got assorted sausages. Are they all are right? Are they all cooked?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16- They look good. - We've got three kinds.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19We got the celebration,
0:17:19 > 0:17:22which is the one that won the Champion of Champions.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Those are the Champion of Champions.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27Look at these losers hanging around with them.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- Can I try a bit of that?- Yeah. Let's get cracking.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Just see what it...
0:17:31 > 0:17:35That's a Buck's Fizz sausage made with genuine Buck's Fizz.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Oh, Alan, that's terrific.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40You like it?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Alan, your sausage is the finest thing I've ever tasted.
0:17:43 > 0:17:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:44 > 0:17:45- Fantastic.- Delicious.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48All the ladies say that.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50All the customers say the same.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Alan, it's...
0:17:52 > 0:17:55This is terrific.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57This is the best mystery guest I've ever had.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00(Alan.)
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Do you think I've got what it takes to become a sausage maker?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05We're going to have a crash course on making sausage
0:18:05 > 0:18:07and I'm sure that you'll do a good job.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Let's do a pork-off.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Yep.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11CHEERING
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- What's going to happen, Al? - We've mixed this beforehand.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23Saved a bit of time.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27In there we've got the meat, beautiful British pork.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29It's not that beautiful, Al.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Seasoning, a special seasoning that I developed some 25 years ago.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35We'll mix the raw skin. So first of all,
0:18:35 > 0:18:37if you can put the sprinkle of rusk in there
0:18:37 > 0:18:40and then mix the sausage in.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44OK, so I've got to mix it all up.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Can you get behind me? It'll be like a meaty version of Ghost.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:51 > 0:18:58That's it. It's mixed in there. Wonderful.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00I'll put this in the filler and then you can fill the rest.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- I'm looking forward to it. - Just put it in there.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Push it down and then get the rest and put it in the back here.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08That's it. Carefully.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Today.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:13 > 0:19:15That's it. Next one.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Now then. We'll just drop that...
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Aye, aye, that's what I didn't want to happen but it always does.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26We've lost a plunger!
0:19:31 > 0:19:33It feels a bit like we're in a Wallace and Gromit episode.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35We've lost the plunger!
0:19:37 > 0:19:39There we go.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Now then, you'll see the sausage start to come.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Now you've got to get the skin.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- Let's just put that out of the way first of all.- OK.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48There we are.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52- We'll get the skin. This is a natural...- Oh, Christ.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Now, behave!
0:19:54 > 0:19:59This is a natural casing. These are pig intestines cleaned.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01- Right?- Yeah.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Finest thing for sausage. They've got the natural curve.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- You know what I mean?- Yeah(!)
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Sorry about the splash on the front row. Be careful.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17- Alan, do you want to know something about pigs?- Yeah, go on.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Did you know pigs...
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- Their orgasm lasts for half an hour.- Correct.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27You're the first person...
0:20:27 > 0:20:30I've said that to many people in many different countries.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33You're the first who's gone, "Correct" and then...just moved on.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40- No wonder your sausages are so good. I don't like that bit.- Go on.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41You've done that before!
0:20:41 > 0:20:44APPLAUSE
0:20:45 > 0:20:47It's all got to go on.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Start doing it with two hands.
0:20:57 > 0:21:03Now you're getting excited. Slow down now. You're getting too excited.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Can I have a cigarette, Al?
0:21:07 > 0:21:08Later.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12Now you're away.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16All you've got to do is just hold that on the end there,
0:21:16 > 0:21:18turn the handle, the sausage will come out,
0:21:18 > 0:21:21and take the skin with it like that. OK?
0:21:21 > 0:21:22You're on your own.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Excellent. Not too full else it'll burst.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Turn your hand over. That's right. Keep turning.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31- I am turning.- Yeah.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35Don't hold it so tight. The sausages are going quite thick.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38I know you like a thick one, but I mean...
0:21:38 > 0:21:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:39 > 0:21:42You're getting too excited. That'll do nicely.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45That's it. Stop. That's it. Lovely.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- There we are. That's yours then, Russell.- Thank you.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Now I'll fill a bit out now.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53And then we've got to do the most important part,
0:21:53 > 0:21:56which is linking the sausage.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59You've seen how the sausage hangs in the butcher shops, haven't you?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Now you can link some.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06There we are. Twist, turn.
0:22:06 > 0:22:11Just like knitting. Through, over, under, off.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- It's not JUST like knitting. - It is, yeah!
0:22:13 > 0:22:16If my nan did that in the front room I'd be terrified!
0:22:16 > 0:22:18(INDISTINGUISHABLE)
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Wow, good work!
0:22:20 > 0:22:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Excellent.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32Excellent.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Very good effort.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Honestly, one of my favourite mystery guests.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I'll shake your hand, because thank you so much for coming on.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Alan!
0:22:43 > 0:22:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Some bizarre art stories in the news.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53Did you hear about Damien Hirst's latest statue in Devon?
0:22:53 > 0:22:56A 20 metre statue of a pregnant woman brandishing a sword
0:22:56 > 0:22:58has arrived in its new home of Ilfracombe.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02'The artist Damien Hirst says it's a modern allegory of truth
0:23:02 > 0:23:04'and justice.'
0:23:04 > 0:23:06It's a statue of a naked pregnant lady.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Very nice!
0:23:12 > 0:23:13So...
0:23:13 > 0:23:15So, were the locals fans?
0:23:15 > 0:23:19Do they see it as the artistic cherry on top of their glowing town?
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Not really.
0:23:20 > 0:23:25I live here and I've got to look at it every day.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27- What are your thoughts? - It's horrible!
0:23:27 > 0:23:29I don't want to look at that.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32We've got enough pregnant women in the town without another one.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35"We don't need another slag!"
0:23:36 > 0:23:38"And she's got a knife."
0:23:41 > 0:23:44"What if she robs the post office?"
0:23:44 > 0:23:47She isn't the only one upset. Check this out for an overreaction.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54No, it won't!
0:23:54 > 0:23:58The only thing it will encourage teenagers to do is piss about.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01I give it a week before a 13-year-old boy
0:24:01 > 0:24:05is underneath that statue... "Look at me! I'm fingering a giant!"
0:24:07 > 0:24:10It's true. You put a teenager near a statue, he'll do this.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Mind you, the art story that caught my eye wasn't a statue in Devon,
0:24:17 > 0:24:21it was a lunatic filmmaker called Brent Hayward.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25Check this out, right. He is absolutely bat shit.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29'Brent Hayward was a punk before most people knew what one was.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30BRENT WHINNIES
0:24:30 > 0:24:32'He's been an artist for just as long.
0:24:32 > 0:24:37'I met up with him so he could show me his infamous short film Slick.'
0:24:37 > 0:24:38HE PANTS LIKE DOG
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Honestly, this is what I love.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45I love to get in touch with my art animal. Yeeeah!
0:24:46 > 0:24:51Absolutely mad. He's like Rolf Harris on acid.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53I can't show you the film he made
0:24:53 > 0:24:57but I can show you this brilliant interview about it.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59What makes it art?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Just the fact that it's almost unexplainable.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03It's got a certain...
0:25:05 > 0:25:07..unknown quality.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10It's got a quality to it that's actually very mysterious.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13I saw it and I thought, "There's a man with a bottle up his bum."
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Not that it's the weirdest art story in the news.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24An artist in Liverpool is trying to bring a whole new meaning
0:25:24 > 0:25:28to the phrase "birdsong" by creating music from their droppings.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31'The artist Kerry Morrison has been placing giant pieces
0:25:31 > 0:25:34'of blank sheet music around the city
0:25:34 > 0:25:37'with a hope that they will be hit by bird movements
0:25:37 > 0:25:38'of the mucky kind.'
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Basically, she's been putting sheet music down
0:25:41 > 0:25:43and waiting for birds to crap on it.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45They actually recorded the music,
0:25:45 > 0:25:47and in case you want to know what shit sounds like...
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Apparently it's this.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54# One night only, one night only
0:25:54 > 0:25:56# Come on, big baby, come on
0:25:57 > 0:25:59# One night only... #
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Finally tonight, meet Colin Wales,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12an ordinary man who did an extraordinary thing.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16'It's like a scene from a film, but this is real life,
0:26:16 > 0:26:19'these are no actors and the man on the stretcher is only alive
0:26:19 > 0:26:22'thanks to this man, Colin Wales,
0:26:22 > 0:26:26'a postmaster from Trimdon Grange in County Durham.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29'It was travelling home from here almost a year ago
0:26:29 > 0:26:32'that he came upon the crash just off the A1.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34'With the car on the right already ablaze,
0:26:34 > 0:26:35'the one on the left is smouldering
0:26:35 > 0:26:40'and about to burst into flames. The driver is trapped inside.'
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Well, people were telling me to get out, get away,
0:26:42 > 0:26:45it's going to blow, so that did give me a sense of urgency,
0:26:45 > 0:26:48but it was just one of them things where you see it
0:26:48 > 0:26:51and you do it and it's just a natural reaction, isn't it?
0:26:51 > 0:26:55It's a situation that needed some action and that's what I did.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58'Colin got the driver out and dragged him to safety,
0:26:58 > 0:27:01'a moment before both vehicles were engulfed,
0:27:01 > 0:27:03'an act of selflessness that earned him
0:27:03 > 0:27:07'a police citation normally reserved for serving officers.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09'But not today.'
0:27:09 > 0:27:12'His first thoughts were, "I need to save somebody's life",
0:27:12 > 0:27:13'and that's exactly what he did.'
0:27:13 > 0:27:16A proud moment then for Colin and wife Susan.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Could you imagine living the rest of your life knowing
0:27:19 > 0:27:23that you could have helped somebody and he burned to death? No way.
0:27:23 > 0:27:24No way.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26There you go. What a dude.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Next up, it's time for my stand-up guest,
0:27:31 > 0:27:34so please welcome the wonderful Andrew Ryan!
0:27:34 > 0:27:36APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:42 > 0:27:45- How are we doing, are we all right? - AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Good, lovely to be here.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51My name is Andrew, very nice to be here. I come from Europe.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55It's good to be here in England. I come from Ireland, obviously.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58We've got a difficult recession going on at the moment,
0:27:58 > 0:28:01we've been in recession now since 1948.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04People are very excited about us. That's the way it is.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06What the Irish government did, they sent
0:28:06 > 0:28:09a letter out to all the Irish people, and said what you have to do now
0:28:09 > 0:28:14is make a list of your favourite companies that you want to go bust.
0:28:14 > 0:28:15That's what you have to do.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18And everybody is slagging off all these companies and stuff.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20But there's only one company in Ireland that,
0:28:20 > 0:28:24if they ever went bust, there would be a national day of celebration.
0:28:24 > 0:28:25That company is called Ryanair.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Everybody slags them off, but I really like them,
0:28:28 > 0:28:31because to me, Ryanair are like condoms.
0:28:31 > 0:28:32They are a necessary evil.
0:28:33 > 0:28:38Sometimes you don't really want to use them, but you just have to.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42If Ryanair produced their own brand of condoms and you had sex
0:28:42 > 0:28:45with your girlfriend and you put your willy into the wrong hole, well,
0:28:45 > 0:28:47at least you can say you landed close
0:28:47 > 0:28:49to where you were supposed to be going.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:56 > 0:29:00I was in a phone shop recently, I signed up to a brilliant new phone.
0:29:00 > 0:29:06Absolutely fantastic phone, this Nokia 3210, absolutely unbelievable.
0:29:07 > 0:29:11Got a great deal as well - £85 a month, absolutely fantastic.
0:29:11 > 0:29:15Got 11 texts and three minutes. Off the chain, you know what I mean?
0:29:15 > 0:29:19But the guy tries to start selling me mobile phone insurance.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21I didn't want mobile phone insurance, cos
0:29:21 > 0:29:24if something happens to my phone, it's not a life-changing event.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27It's grand, I don't have to ring them any more.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29It's going to be great. He starts making me feel bad.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32He says, Mr Ryan, you've signed up to this amazing new phone today,
0:29:32 > 0:29:34I want to ask how you're going to protect yourself
0:29:34 > 0:29:36if something happens to that phone.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39I want to talk to you about mobile phone insurance.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41I said, "I don't want insurance, you're grand."
0:29:41 > 0:29:44He said, "I need to ask you a few questions." I said, "Fire away."
0:29:44 > 0:29:49"Mr Ryan, Mr Ryanair, what are you going to do if you lose your phone?"
0:29:49 > 0:29:52I said, "I'm going to look for it."
0:29:52 > 0:29:55LAUGHTER
0:29:56 > 0:30:00That's a pretty good strategy, isn't it? I'm going to look for my phone.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03He says, "What are you going to do if your phone gets damaged?"
0:30:03 > 0:30:05I said, "Jesus, I don't know."
0:30:05 > 0:30:07"What if you drop it down a toilet?"
0:30:07 > 0:30:10I went, "I've not even left the shop yet."
0:30:11 > 0:30:15If I'm standing over the toilet, I'm normally holding something else.
0:30:15 > 0:30:19I'm not pissing out Nokia 3210s. It's ridiculous.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21He said, "What are you going to do if you lose it, if you damage it?"
0:30:21 > 0:30:26Every time I lose my mobile phone at home, it's always the same scenario.
0:30:26 > 0:30:30Always have to ring it from the landline. "Jesus Christ.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33"If it's on silent, I'm going to go mental."
0:30:33 > 0:30:36You start ringing, walking round your house expecting somebody to
0:30:36 > 0:30:38answer your own mobile phone.
0:30:38 > 0:30:40"Where's my phone gone?"
0:30:40 > 0:30:43Then you find it down the back of the settee and you pick it up,
0:30:43 > 0:30:47and you go, "It's OK, I found my phone, I've got my phone. It's OK.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50"Oh, my God, one missed call!
0:30:52 > 0:30:55"Who is this unknown number guy?!"
0:30:55 > 0:30:58Then he goes to the next level to try to make me feel bad again.
0:30:58 > 0:31:02He says, "Mr Ryan, what are you going to do if that phone gets stolen?"
0:31:02 > 0:31:05I said, "I'm going to ring the police." He said, "That's pointless."
0:31:05 > 0:31:09He said, "Do you think the police are interested in a stupid mobile phone?"
0:31:09 > 0:31:10I said, "Five minutes ago,
0:31:10 > 0:31:13"that was the best thing I could have signed up to."
0:31:13 > 0:31:15It's gone from hero to zero within two seconds.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20He goes, "Do you know how easy it is to steal a mobile phone?
0:31:20 > 0:31:23"You can be out in the pub, you can put your phone on the table,
0:31:23 > 0:31:26"someone can walk past, they can swipe your phone,
0:31:26 > 0:31:28"that's how easy it is to steal a mobile phone.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31"And you ring the police and you tell the police your phone has been
0:31:31 > 0:31:34"stolen, they're going to do nothing about it.
0:31:34 > 0:31:35"So I'm going to ask you again,
0:31:35 > 0:31:39"how are you going to get a new phone if something happens to it?"
0:31:39 > 0:31:44I said, "Well, based on what you've just told me...
0:31:44 > 0:31:47LAUGHTER
0:31:47 > 0:31:49"That they're easy to steal...
0:31:50 > 0:31:53"..and the police aren't interested in looking for them...
0:31:54 > 0:31:57"..I'm going to nick one, mate. That's what I'll do.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59"I'm going to nick a mobile phone."
0:32:01 > 0:32:04But I live here, I live in England amongst you people,
0:32:04 > 0:32:05and it's really good.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08But I never realised how bad things were in Ireland
0:32:08 > 0:32:10until recently with the bailout and the recession and stuff.
0:32:10 > 0:32:15I went home, I was in the pub with my longest friend. He is six foot eight.
0:32:15 > 0:32:19We were having a couple of pints, and I decided to asking the big question.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22I said, "Shane, how bad are things in this country?"
0:32:22 > 0:32:24He said, "They are awful."
0:32:24 > 0:32:27He said, "I haven't been able to have a job for nine months.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30"My rent, my gas, my electricity, I can't afford to pay them.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32"The banks aren't lending us any money,
0:32:32 > 0:32:35"houses are being repossessed left, right and centre
0:32:35 > 0:32:38"and my parents' pension has been cut back by 60 euros a week."
0:32:38 > 0:32:41And then he starts crying into the pint.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44I thought, Jesus, there is my friend crying into the pint -
0:32:44 > 0:32:47my country, my people all suffering. And from that moment on,
0:32:47 > 0:32:50I decided as a proud Irishman that I was going to do something.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53So I've decided I'm going to stay in England.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56LAUGHTER
0:32:56 > 0:32:59It sounds bloody horrendous, you know?
0:32:59 > 0:33:01He's crying into a pint, he needs to man up.
0:33:01 > 0:33:05But I've been living here for a while now, I live in Manchester.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08Something very special happened to me recently,
0:33:08 > 0:33:12I got myself one of these girlfriend things.
0:33:12 > 0:33:16I got one in London, they're amazing, they're fantastic.
0:33:16 > 0:33:19You can get them in the pubs and stuff.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21They're really good.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23My girlfriend's amazing - she loves me and I like her a lot.
0:33:23 > 0:33:27It's a very focused relationship that we are in.
0:33:27 > 0:33:31My job, every month, we have to look after stuff.
0:33:31 > 0:33:34We recently got this thing called a joint bank account.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:33:37 > 0:33:40That I have no access to.
0:33:40 > 0:33:44I have to pay all the bills, I have to look after all the finances
0:33:44 > 0:33:47and the money, and every month we have to pay direct debits.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50There is one bill comes through the post every month that is terrifying -
0:33:50 > 0:33:51the credit card bill.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54The credit card bill is the worst bill you can ever get.
0:33:54 > 0:33:57My dad gave me great advice when I was growing up as a kid.
0:33:57 > 0:34:00He said, "Son, don't touch them. Don't touch credit cards.
0:34:00 > 0:34:04"Don't touch kids either, but don't touch credit cards. Stay away."
0:34:04 > 0:34:07What you don't realise is, when the credit card bill comes
0:34:07 > 0:34:10in the post, the bank actually talks to you in your head.
0:34:10 > 0:34:14You don't realise, you have a full on conversation with the credit card.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17You open the bill and it says,
0:34:17 > 0:34:21"You can make the minimum payment of £12, which is what we want
0:34:21 > 0:34:28"so we can charge you interest, or, you can pay it off all in full.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30"Which you can't afford."
0:34:30 > 0:34:34"Otherwise, you wouldn't use the fucking thing in the first place."
0:34:34 > 0:34:36That's what they do, they get into our heads.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39I've come up with a way where you can deal with your bank.
0:34:39 > 0:34:40You have to be nice to them.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43The nicer you are, the more they can't deal with it.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45They've messed us around, so why can't we have fun with them?
0:34:45 > 0:34:48I give you an example of how I deal with my bank.
0:34:48 > 0:34:51My bank in Ireland - the Bank of Ireland -
0:34:51 > 0:34:54have been looking for me for six months.
0:34:54 > 0:34:57They've been ringing me up, sending me letters in the post, trying
0:34:57 > 0:35:00to get me to pay off my overdraft, the overdraft that they gave me.
0:35:00 > 0:35:04You'd think they would look at themselves first before having a go at me, right?
0:35:04 > 0:35:07This is what you have to remember - that we are always in control.
0:35:07 > 0:35:09When they ring us up,
0:35:09 > 0:35:11they need something off us before they can speak to us.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14They need us to confirm our personal and security details.
0:35:14 > 0:35:18And I've decided that every time I speak to this guy
0:35:18 > 0:35:21from the Bank of Ireland, every time he asks me a personal
0:35:21 > 0:35:27security question, I'm going to give him all the wrong answers.
0:35:27 > 0:35:31And they'll never be able to speak to you ever again.
0:35:31 > 0:35:34They shit themselves when you don't even know your own date of birth.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37I swear to God, try it. It's the best thing you'll do.
0:35:39 > 0:35:43This guy rings me up from the Bank of Ireland - Brian, a proper bell end.
0:35:44 > 0:35:48You know, the kind of guy that wears a scarf in a nightclub?
0:35:48 > 0:35:50He rings up and he goes, (STRONG ACCENT) "Hello, Mr Ryan,
0:35:50 > 0:35:55"this is Brian from the Bank of Ireland, Dublin - what's the story?"
0:35:56 > 0:36:00I was like... Actually, do I need to do another Irish accent
0:36:00 > 0:36:02on top of the one I'm doing at the moment?
0:36:02 > 0:36:04I say, have a bit of a laugh.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06He goes, "Hello, this is Brian from the Bank of Ireland.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09I said, "Jesus, Brian, how are things?"
0:36:11 > 0:36:13He says, "We need to talk to you about your account."
0:36:13 > 0:36:15I said, "Brian, this sounds serious."
0:36:17 > 0:36:20He says, "Before I continue, I need to ask you some security questions."
0:36:20 > 0:36:24"Fire away, man. Fire away." There is no way I can lose this phone call.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27It's going to be amazing.
0:36:27 > 0:36:31He says, "Can you confirm to me what your current date of birth is?"
0:36:31 > 0:36:33LAUGHTER
0:36:35 > 0:36:38I was like, "What, the current date of birth?
0:36:38 > 0:36:40"Geez, I wrote it down somewhere last week.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42"I don't know what I did with it."
0:36:42 > 0:36:45So I decide to give him the wrong answers for a laugh.
0:36:45 > 0:36:49So I said, "It's 1 July 1990."
0:36:49 > 0:36:52He went, "Oh, no, no, no.
0:36:53 > 0:36:57"I'm afraid that's not on the system." I said, "Jesus, Brian.
0:36:57 > 0:36:58"I'm fucking gutted for you.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03"Can I go again?
0:37:04 > 0:37:06"Can I guess again?"
0:37:06 > 0:37:10He went, "I'm very sorry, I can only accept your first answer."
0:37:10 > 0:37:12I said, "What happens now?"
0:37:12 > 0:37:15He said, "We'll have to ask you another question." "Fire away, man."
0:37:15 > 0:37:17I can't lose this phone call.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20He says, "Can you confirm to me the first line of your address?"
0:37:20 > 0:37:23I said, "Six. It's six."
0:37:23 > 0:37:27He said, "What comes after that?" I said "seven".
0:37:27 > 0:37:29LAUGHTER
0:37:32 > 0:37:35"No, what comes after that in terms of your address?
0:37:35 > 0:37:36"What comes after that?"
0:37:36 > 0:37:40I said, "Jesus, Brian, that would be the second line of the address,
0:37:40 > 0:37:41"wouldn't it?
0:37:41 > 0:37:43"That would be the second line of the address."
0:37:43 > 0:37:46He said, "What's the second line of your address?"
0:37:46 > 0:37:50I said, "I'm sorry Brian, I can only accept your first question."
0:37:50 > 0:37:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:37:57 > 0:38:00"You've got your policies, I've got mine."
0:38:00 > 0:38:03He starts panicking over the phone cos he's never dealt with a nut job
0:38:03 > 0:38:05over the phone.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08I can feel the scarf is getting tighter around his neck.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11He comes back and he goes, "Look, Mr Ryan, you have a
0:38:11 > 0:38:16"responsibility as a customer of the bank that if any of your personal
0:38:16 > 0:38:21"details change or get updated, you have a responsibility to inform us."
0:38:21 > 0:38:25I said, "I just have. I just told you my new date of birth, Brian."
0:38:30 > 0:38:32He starts panicking over the phone.
0:38:32 > 0:38:35You have to understand, at this point during the call,
0:38:35 > 0:38:38he knows who he's talking to.
0:38:38 > 0:38:42He knows who he's talking to. And I know who he is talking to.
0:38:42 > 0:38:44He's talking to me.
0:38:45 > 0:38:51But he has to pretend that he doesn't know who he's talking to
0:38:51 > 0:38:56until he gets me to confirm who he's talking to.
0:38:56 > 0:39:01And I wasn't in the fucking mood for confirming who I was that day at all.
0:39:01 > 0:39:05So I decided I was going to drag it out for as long as I possibly could.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07He comes back and he goes, "Look, Mr Ryan.
0:39:07 > 0:39:11"We've got a policy in the bank." I said, "Jesus, fair play."
0:39:11 > 0:39:14He says, "We've got a policy in the bank - I'm afraid that
0:39:14 > 0:39:17"if you get these next two security questions wrong,
0:39:17 > 0:39:20"I'm afraid we're going to have to terminate the call."
0:39:22 > 0:39:25LAUGHTER
0:39:25 > 0:39:29"Oh, gutted, Brian. Jesus, that's awful, you know.
0:39:29 > 0:39:33"I've always wanted to repay the overdraft, Brian, I'd hate to
0:39:33 > 0:39:37"miss out on the opportunity to pay back the 50 euro overdraft I owe."
0:39:37 > 0:39:41This call must've cost 60 quid at this stage - it's ridiculous.
0:39:41 > 0:39:44I'm thinking to myself, Jesus Christ, this is amazing.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46I'm only two wrong answers away from freedom.
0:39:46 > 0:39:47This is going to be brilliant.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50They're never going to be able to deal with me again.
0:39:50 > 0:39:53He comes back and he goes, "Mr Ryan, next question." "Fire away, man."
0:39:53 > 0:39:55I can't lose.
0:39:55 > 0:39:59He goes, "Can you confirm to me what your mother's maiden name is?
0:39:59 > 0:40:03I said, "She never married, Brian. She never married."
0:40:03 > 0:40:06He says, "I'm afraid we've got a name on the system."
0:40:06 > 0:40:10I said, "Are you telling me you know who my dad is?"
0:40:10 > 0:40:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:19 > 0:40:22"Brian, my father owes me 30 years of Christmas presents.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25"That money alone could pay off the overdraft, Brian!
0:40:25 > 0:40:27"It is in your interest to release the name."
0:40:27 > 0:40:31He starts panicking over the phone. He said, "This is getting ridiculous.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34"We're going to have to terminate the call."
0:40:34 > 0:40:36I said, "Don't you dare call me Mr Ryan." He says, "Why not?"
0:40:36 > 0:40:40I said, "Well, you've not confirmed my identity yet."
0:40:40 > 0:40:43He says, "What would you like to be called?" I said, "Call me daddy."
0:40:47 > 0:40:50"Cos you're going to be crying in my arms later on, right?"
0:40:50 > 0:40:52And he said, "We're going to have to terminate the call.
0:40:52 > 0:40:56I said, "You're not going anywhere. You said I had two questions, I want one more."
0:40:56 > 0:40:58I want to follow this project through,
0:40:58 > 0:41:00I want to see how far I can get away with this.
0:41:00 > 0:41:03You can understand, the reason why he was ringing me up was
0:41:03 > 0:41:06because I used the overdraft - 50 euros - and then I went away.
0:41:06 > 0:41:08I abandoned the overdraft.
0:41:08 > 0:41:12That's why they were ringing me up to have a go at me.
0:41:12 > 0:41:14So he said, "OK, final question.
0:41:14 > 0:41:18"Can you confirm to me what your balance is in your current
0:41:18 > 0:41:21"account, what the balance is in your current account?"
0:41:21 > 0:41:26I said, "Of course I can, Brian. I've got about 4,500 euros in it."
0:41:28 > 0:41:32He went, "No, no, no." I said, "What the fuck have you done with my money, Brian?"
0:41:32 > 0:41:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:41:41 > 0:41:45"Where's my dad, and where's my money gone, Brian?"
0:41:45 > 0:41:48All the very best everybody, good luck!
0:41:48 > 0:41:52Give it up for Andrew Ryan!
0:41:52 > 0:41:55APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:41:55 > 0:42:00Thank you very much for watching Good News. Good night.
0:42:14 > 0:42:18Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd