0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Thank you very much!
0:00:26 > 0:00:30Thank you, thank you! Thank you!
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Hello...
0:00:33 > 0:00:35APPLAUSE AND CHEERING CONTINUES
0:00:35 > 0:00:38..and welcome to Good News! So, what's been happening?
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Channel 4 interviewed the politest mugger ever.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44If you don't give me your wallet, I'll burgle your house.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45LAUGHTER
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Over on Daybreak, Richard Arnold showed everyone
0:00:48 > 0:00:49how to pleasure a giant.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51It works better if you're on a table...
0:00:54 > 0:00:59This lady revealed Gary Lineker may be the father of her child.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02I was worried when I was pregnant that my baby was going to smell of salt and vinegar crisps.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04LAUGHTER
0:01:09 > 0:01:12The big news was all about the US election.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Barack Obama secures a second term, having won key battleground states
0:01:15 > 0:01:20and overcome a strong challenge from the Republican, Mitt Romney.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23We are greater than the sum of our individual ambitions,
0:01:23 > 0:01:26and we remain more than a collection
0:01:26 > 0:01:30of red states and blues states - we are and for ever will be
0:01:30 > 0:01:33the United States of America!
0:01:33 > 0:01:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Pretty cool.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42But it gets worse for Romney. Not only did he lose -
0:01:42 > 0:01:45look what this feisty old lady's going to do to him...
0:01:45 > 0:01:48I'm going to track down Mitt Romney and give him
0:01:48 > 0:01:50the word's biggest cock punch!
0:01:50 > 0:01:53LAUGHTER
0:01:53 > 0:01:57APPLAUSE
0:01:59 > 0:02:01But where?
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Right in the nut sack!
0:02:05 > 0:02:09To be honest, anyone could have seen this coming. If you want to know
0:02:09 > 0:02:12who's going to win an election, just ask the babies.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Here's what they think of Obama.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- AUDIENCE:- Aw!- And here's what they think of Romney.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19LAUGHTER
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Let's be honest, they're pretty good at spotting a dickhead.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25LAUGHTER
0:02:25 > 0:02:29For some reason, the US media have been interviewing loads of kids -
0:02:29 > 0:02:33some were thoughtful, others, they got straight to the point.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Can you describe President Obama? What is he like?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38He seems sort of, like, you know, like faithful,
0:02:38 > 0:02:40like the loyal type of person.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42He's black.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45LAUGHTER
0:02:47 > 0:02:50"Has Obama been good for the economy?" "He black!!"
0:02:50 > 0:02:53"What do you think of Mitt Romney?"
0:02:53 > 0:02:55"He white."
0:02:55 > 0:02:58You ask kids about politics, some of the answers they give
0:02:58 > 0:03:00will be very strange.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- Would you like to be president one day?- No.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04- Would you like to be president?- No.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08If you were to pretend you were talking to the American people,
0:03:08 > 0:03:09what would you say?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Hello?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13I come in...peace?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16LAUGHTER
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Back in Blighty, it's been a tough week for Boris.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22After being mobbed in Birmingham, Boris Johnson was today
0:03:22 > 0:03:24relentlessly heckled in Bristol.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28- HECKLING - You need someone who will put Britain on the map,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31and that is the objective, and...
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- Tories out! Tories out! > - You've got some charming people here in Bristol.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37You can see what absolute sweethearts they are.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Absolute sweethearts!
0:03:39 > 0:03:41He didn't call them that later...
0:03:41 > 0:03:46'..Boris Johnson attempted a strategic exit, he returned fire.'
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- < Scum! Tory scum!- Scum!
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- LAUGHTER - Aaaagh!
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Lefty tossers!
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Why don't you scummers lick my balls?!
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Why are they booing him? How can you hate Boris?!
0:04:05 > 0:04:09He's like a human bumblebee that's swallowed a thesaurus.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Uuuugh!
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Rapscallion!
0:04:15 > 0:04:21I mean, what other politician would praise our Olympic heroes like this?
0:04:21 > 0:04:26You produced such paroxysms of tears and joy on the sofas of Britain
0:04:26 > 0:04:29that you probably not only inspired a generation
0:04:29 > 0:04:32but helped to create one as well.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- LAUGHTER - And... I can get away with that.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36And...!
0:04:36 > 0:04:39See, if Cameron did that, it would just be creepy.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41"Hello, Britain. Ha-ha-ha-ha...
0:04:41 > 0:04:44"Did you enjoy the Olympics?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47"I bet you had lots of sex, didn't you?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49"I know me and Cleggy did."
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- LAUGHTER AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Uu-aaaagh!
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Now, elsewhere this week, Prince Charles has been on his travels.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02The Duke and Duchess of Cornwall have spent the night
0:05:02 > 0:05:05in Papua New Guinea, after touching down on the island nation
0:05:05 > 0:05:07as part of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee tour.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Did you see what the lady who greeted them was wearing?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13'The Royal couple, smiling and relaxed,
0:05:13 > 0:05:15'as they received the traditional garland of flowers.'
0:05:15 > 0:05:17I'm surprised he kept his cool -
0:05:17 > 0:05:19he normally loses it in front of jubblies.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21LAUGHTER
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Mind you, that was nothing. Did you see
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Prince Charles speaking Pidgin English?
0:05:27 > 0:05:28It's absolutely brilliant.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Mi bringim bikpela tok hamamas bilong Mejesti Kwin
0:05:32 > 0:05:34bilong Papua Niugini.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36APPLAUSE
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- LAUGHTER - It's the smile at the end, isn't it?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Show it again - he looks so pleased with himself!
0:05:42 > 0:05:45LAUGHTER
0:05:47 > 0:05:49My name's Charlie, Pidgin's my hobby, when I smile,
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I look like Dobby!
0:05:52 > 0:05:53I can't stop watching it.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56And if you put a beat under it, it's even better.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59Bilong mi lon dispela
0:05:59 > 0:06:03taim bilong Diamon Jubili bilong Misis Kwin.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Pisin, me bringim Pisin,
0:06:05 > 0:06:06Me bringim Pisin
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Me talk Pisin all rite!
0:06:11 > 0:06:14LAUGHTER
0:06:14 > 0:06:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:17 > 0:06:21From big beats to a galaxy far, far away.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Three new Star Wars films are to be made after Disney announced
0:06:24 > 0:06:27it was buying the company behind the franchise.
0:06:27 > 0:06:32Disney will buy Lucasfilm from George Lucas for around £2.5 billion.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Disney is making three new Star Wars. To quote Yoda -
0:06:35 > 0:06:37"Shit it will be!"
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Apparently the new film is going to be set when Luke's an old man.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44That'll be a barrel of laughs, won't it? "What's wrong, Luke?"
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- NORTHERN ACCENT: - "It's the bloody Empire.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50"They've taken me bus pass.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54"Save the galaxy? You have it. I can't eat chocolate any more.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58"I'll be on the toilet all night. Oh, Christ,
0:06:58 > 0:07:01"it'll be like shoes falling out of a loft."
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I'm not the only one upset - check out this fella.
0:07:08 > 0:07:134 billion...to the highest fucking bidder?!
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Oh, and guess who bought it, huh?
0:07:16 > 0:07:20You know who? Disney, fucking Disney! Of course you know!
0:07:20 > 0:07:23UNINTELLIGIBLE ..to my fucking...!
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Wasn't he in South Park?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Cartman gets madder.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Check out the film he reckons Lucas wants to make.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42George Lucas is sitting on a porcelain toilet
0:07:42 > 0:07:46in a solid white room in front of a solid white wall...
0:07:46 > 0:07:49and he starts...grimacing, just, oh!
0:07:49 > 0:07:54And he takes the nastiest, big hunk of shit
0:07:54 > 0:07:58right in the toilet, then he reaches in and he grabs it...
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:08:00 > 0:08:03He grabs it by the hand, he starts writing on the wall.
0:08:03 > 0:08:08E-PI-S-O-D-E S-E-V-E-N.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11And he flicks you off with his shit-covered hands!
0:08:13 > 0:08:17To be fair, it still sounds better than The Phantom Menace.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Here's the film I want to see -
0:08:19 > 0:08:22two hours of this prick just getting punched.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- Wouldn't that be great? - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Where? I'll let this lady explain.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Right in the nut sack!
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Although on the plus side, Disney and Star Wars...?
0:08:35 > 0:08:36Might be a good idea?
0:08:36 > 0:08:40DONALD DUCK QUACKS AGGRESSIVELY
0:08:43 > 0:08:45AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:08:51 > 0:08:55In health news, have you heard the latest way to get rid of wrinkles?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Recently trained in Thailand,
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Tata claims she's now the first
0:09:00 > 0:09:03face-slapping practitioner in the Western hemisphere.
0:09:03 > 0:09:09Yeah, slapping the face gets rid of wrinkles.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12How did they figure this out? "I hate you so much!" Whack!
0:09:12 > 0:09:15"Hey, you look great!"
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Apparently celebs are huge fans.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Have you seen what Kelly Brook looked like before the treatment?
0:09:21 > 0:09:22LAUGHTER
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Mind you, if you think slapping is a bit much,
0:09:25 > 0:09:26look what else they do!
0:09:26 > 0:09:29In Thailand, for years, they have been slapping faces
0:09:29 > 0:09:33and something else that roughly translates as butt-punching.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35Butt-punching?!
0:09:35 > 0:09:38That won't make you look younger, it'll make you look like this!
0:09:39 > 0:09:41LAUGHTER
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Now, if that isn't your thing, maybe this is.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49Scientists have invented a spray that makes ladies go, "Eeeh-eeh-ey".
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Australian researchers are heading trials
0:09:51 > 0:09:54of the world's first Viagra-style treatment for women.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57The nasal spray, dubbed "Female Viagra",
0:09:57 > 0:10:00delivers testosterone in a gel.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03A spray that makes women horny. Did you hear that?
0:10:03 > 0:10:07That's the sound of my brother going, "YES!"
0:10:07 > 0:10:10He'll rock up to his next date with a Super Soaker!
0:10:10 > 0:10:11Whhssshhhh!
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Mind you, it's not all good news. Have you seen the side effects?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20The Australian Medical Association fears the spray
0:10:20 > 0:10:22could have side effects.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Acne, a deeper voice, hair growth, that sort of thing.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Poor women, they're horny as fuck, now they look like the Gruffalo!
0:10:33 > 0:10:35"Please, shag me." "No, you've got hooves!"
0:10:35 > 0:10:36LAUGHTER
0:10:36 > 0:10:39It's insane. Look what happened to Charlotte Church when she took it.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Here's Charlotte before.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43And here she is after!
0:10:44 > 0:10:45LAUGHTER
0:10:45 > 0:10:49Not that some ladies need any help. Did you read about this woman?
0:10:49 > 0:10:53A woman's rare disorder sees her suffer from constant orgasms
0:10:53 > 0:10:55for up to eight hours a day.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Her poor fanny!
0:11:00 > 0:11:01"Kill me!"
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Her husband must follow her round with a mop!
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Feel like he's on a curling team...
0:11:09 > 0:11:11LAUGHTER
0:11:15 > 0:11:20Mind you, it is not just her, this phenomena is all over the news!
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Oh!
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Argh!
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Yes! Yes! Yes!
0:11:24 > 0:11:25Ah!
0:11:25 > 0:11:28I'm coming. I'm coming. I'm going to bring spare underpants just in case.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30LAUGHTER
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Next up, a story about some kids who went trick-or-treating
0:11:37 > 0:11:39and got more than they bargained for.
0:11:39 > 0:11:44A man is due in court tomorrow after children were given bags of cocaine
0:11:44 > 0:11:46while out trick-or-treating last night.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49He gave children cocaine!
0:11:49 > 0:11:50What a dick.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54Apparently the parents were livid. The kids, not so fussed.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58LAUGHTER
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Imagine them getting home, "Hi, kids."
0:12:00 > 0:12:02"Yes, we are!"
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Luckily, they didn't actually take it.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Thank Christ! Imagine a kid on coke!
0:12:07 > 0:12:09"I like jelly and cats and spiders. And when I'm big,
0:12:09 > 0:12:10"I'm going to play tennis with an alien,
0:12:10 > 0:12:13"and then we're going to eat candy-floss made out of magic dust!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17"Mu-u-um!
0:12:17 > 0:12:19"I've got the Igglepiggle giggles!"
0:12:19 > 0:12:20LAUGHTER
0:12:20 > 0:12:23"Look at this, Mum, I'm going to do an impression of a mop!"
0:12:25 > 0:12:26LAUGHTER
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Not that it's the most shocking kids story of the week.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Check out the latest craze for children's parties in America.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41The new twist on pool parties. A Florida man is spicing them up
0:12:41 > 0:12:44by throwing alligators in the water with children.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Holy shit!
0:12:46 > 0:12:49They're throwing alligators in a kids' pool?!
0:12:49 > 0:12:50Argh!
0:12:51 > 0:12:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Poor kids. "Happy birthday, Timmy!"
0:13:01 > 0:13:06Christ, I bet even Barrymore is going, "Bit much." It's madness.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Have you seen the way they protect them?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Barrett says this is all safe.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14He tapes the gator's mouth shut before the party.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15Fucking Sellotape!
0:13:15 > 0:13:17LAUGHTER
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Call me mad, but if I'm swimming with a crocodile,
0:13:20 > 0:13:23the last thing I want protecting me is stationery!
0:13:23 > 0:13:24"Is that a shark?"
0:13:24 > 0:13:28"Yeah, but we covered his eyes with Blu-Tack. He's fine!"
0:13:28 > 0:13:30What else are the kids playing with - this?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34LAUGHTER
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Not that it's all bad news for children.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40This guy wins my award for Catch of the Year.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Have a look at this, it's amazing.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45A young lady with kids were yelling.
0:13:45 > 0:13:50I looked up and saw a little girl on the air conditioner.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56I ran over there to see what I could do. I caught the little girl.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Amazing. What a dude. Not only did he save the kid from dying,
0:14:02 > 0:14:03he's also got a catchphrase!
0:14:09 > 0:14:11How smooth is he?!
0:14:11 > 0:14:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:14 > 0:14:16"A hero ain't nothing but a sandwich."
0:14:16 > 0:14:19You stopped that old lady from getting hit by a bus!
0:14:19 > 0:14:22"Damn right, baby, it's what a Scotch egg does."
0:14:22 > 0:14:24You're a hero!
0:14:24 > 0:14:28"No, I'm a Dairylea Dunker. Seriously, I put my dick in cheese."
0:14:28 > 0:14:32LAUGHTER
0:14:32 > 0:14:36"But I think after catching a baby, I've earned the right to do that."
0:14:36 > 0:14:40"Catch. Boom. All right!"
0:14:40 > 0:14:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:46 > 0:14:49This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51This is a Mystery Guest who has been in the news.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53And I have to figure out who that person is.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54So, please welcome my Mystery Guest!
0:14:54 > 0:14:58APPLAUSE
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Hello. I have to shake with the left, I have a bad hand, I'm afraid.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Nice to meet you, thanks for coming on the show.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- What's your name, friend?- Dom.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Wow, this is an array of stuff here you've got.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18What should I be looking at most here out of the Rubik's Cube and the elephant?
0:15:18 > 0:15:19The elephant.
0:15:19 > 0:15:24OK. Do you do ferocious shits?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26LAUGHTER
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Mammoth-size! No!
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- Have you ever been put in a cage and fed peanuts?- Not yet.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Not yet!
0:15:33 > 0:15:37Is that what we're going to be doing later?!
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- Do you never forget? - What are mem... Ah!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42OK. So you've got a good memory.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46- Yes.- It that what you're...? - Yes.- OK. So, why?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- Well, the news article is all about how to improve your memory.- OK.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51And I am the eight-times World Memory Champion.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53There you go. That's pretty cool, isn't it?
0:15:53 > 0:15:57- APPLAUSE - Yeah, thanks for coming in.
0:15:57 > 0:16:02So, have you always had a good memory, or did you train yourself?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04No, I trained my memory.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08It wasn't until I was 30 that I saw somebody on television memorise a deck of cards.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11And I thought, "That's fantastic. That's the best card trick I've ever seen in the world.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14"I could pull a few women with this trick!"
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- LAUGHTER - Has that ever worked?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18From memorising cards, you've pulled women?
0:16:18 > 0:16:20It's a good party trick, yes.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22So, here's a question for you.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Do you use your powers for good or...?
0:16:24 > 0:16:28Because these are powers. Do you use them for good or for bad?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30I did use them for bad a few years ago.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- Why, what did you do? - Well, it depends how you regard bad.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35I was a card counter. I used to go into casinos,
0:16:35 > 0:16:37and if they didn't shuffle the decks properly,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40I was able to memorise them and beat the casino at their own game.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44- So I made a living out of Black Jack. - Oh, did you? Nice!
0:16:44 > 0:16:45But then I got...
0:16:45 > 0:16:46But that is amazing!
0:16:46 > 0:16:48APPLAUSE
0:16:48 > 0:16:53Because you've got this sort of sexy, owly feel about you.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56So the idea that you're making money out of Black Jack,
0:16:56 > 0:16:59and ladies, "Can I ride on the back of your motorbike?"
0:16:59 > 0:17:02And you're like, "Yeah, if you want, baby. Rrrrr."
0:17:02 > 0:17:04So, can you show us some tips? I'd like to learn from you.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Yeah. OK, look. I'm going to give you a list of items to memorise.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Just a quick test, see what your memory's like already.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14- OK.- All right, a squashed football. A dead parrot. A brassiere.
0:17:14 > 0:17:19A set of false teeth. A cuddly toy. A pineapple.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23A photo of Justin Bieber. A dildo.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24LAUGHTER
0:17:24 > 0:17:27A blow drier. A banana.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Is this like an alternative "Mum's gone to Iceland" advert?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33A funky sort of Iceland, yes.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37And after the banana was a hammer, and then finally, a red ball.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41What was the sixth item on the list?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Can you remember any items?
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Yeah, there was a squashed parrot.
0:17:46 > 0:17:47LAUGHTER
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Justin Bieber was there.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- There was a banana?- Yeah, but you didn't get them in sequence.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- Shall I give you the technique? It's very, very simple.- OK.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58There's 12 objects, OK? We'll break them down into pairs.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02Six pairs. And I want you to go on a journey around your house.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04You'll have to describe this to me.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06- Walk around...- Aaagh, my brother's naked in his room!
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Shut that door.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10- Don't go in that room, man. - Start off in your bedroom.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12I'm in my bedroom. I'm safe.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- You need six places around your house.- Six places, OK.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Imagine you have woken up in the morning, ten o'clock in the morning.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21I'm late for work!
0:18:21 > 0:18:23LAUGHTER
0:18:23 > 0:18:25At the end of the bed is a squashed football.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- How the hell did that get there? - Exactly.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30- You need to work out why it's squashed.- OK.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32There's a parrot next to it.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34It's a head-butting parrot?
0:18:34 > 0:18:35LAUGHTER
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- So that's what happens in the bedroom.- Yeah, it is.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38So now leave your bedroom.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40I'm getting the fuck out of there, yeah!
0:18:40 > 0:18:44He's done that to a football, what's he done to my balls?
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- We'll get on to those later.- OK.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Where are you now, when you left the bedroom?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52I'm in the kitchen, man. I'm scared, man.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- You've gone straight to the kitchen? - Yeah, yeah.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58OK. The next object is a brassiere, followed by a set of false teeth.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00LAUGHTER
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Wayne Rooney's been round.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05- LAUGHTER Picture it.- Got it.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08The next thing is the cuddly toy, in another room,
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- and a pineapple. - Let's got to the scullery.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12LAUGHTER
0:19:12 > 0:19:14The cuddly toy is doing something with a pineapple.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16LAUGHTER
0:19:16 > 0:19:18In the scullery.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20OK, yeah. I'm seeing Bruce Forsyth.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22"Cuddly toy?"
0:19:22 > 0:19:26It's Bruce dressed as the cuddly toy with the pineapple.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28"It's why I have to take time off from Strictly.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- "Get out, this is my scullery." I'm seeing that.- Next place?
0:19:31 > 0:19:34"It's one of my five a day." Get out, Bruce!
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- The next place.- Let's go to the weights room downstairs.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38LAUGHTER
0:19:38 > 0:19:40You're in there now, there's Justin Bieber...
0:19:40 > 0:19:43AUDIENCE SCREAMS
0:19:43 > 0:19:46..he's doing something with a dildo.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Has he taken advice from the world to finally go fuck himself?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:19:56 > 0:20:00- # Baby, baby... #- Next place?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Next place. Let's take a trip to the attic.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- The attic?- Yes.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09The next two objects are a blow-drier and a banana.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11A sweaty banana, nice.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12The last two objects. Last place?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- Let's go to the garden. - The garden.- Yeah.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17It's a hammer and a red ball.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- What's the connection?- I'm thinking Thor and he's run out of energy.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22LAUGHTER
0:20:22 > 0:20:24OK, so we've gone through the technique.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Let's put you to the test. See if you can remember all 12.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Yes. Let's do this.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30CHEERING
0:20:30 > 0:20:33So, here we are. Explain what's going to happen now.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I've got to pick all the boxes, is that right?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Yeah, take me through the story you've just done
0:20:38 > 0:20:40and we'll reveal the 12 objects.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Starting at this end. So what happened?
0:20:43 > 0:20:46I woke up, there was a parrot... There was a deflated football.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50- And parrot that had head-butted it.- Yes.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Then I went down to my kitchen.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53You know what I discovered down there?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Madness. There was a bra.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- Then false teeth.- OK.- Weird.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01- Then?- Then I needed to compose myself.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03So I went to the weights room.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05LAUGHTER
0:21:05 > 0:21:09No, I didn't. Where did I go next?
0:21:09 > 0:21:10AUDIENCE: Scullery!
0:21:10 > 0:21:13I went to the scullery. I found Bruce Forsyth... No, I didn't.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16I found a cuddly toy and a pineapple, that's what I found.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Very good.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Then I went to my weights room, I found Bieber and a dildo.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- That was ridiculous. - What came after the dildo?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24What came after the dildo?
0:21:24 > 0:21:25LAUGHTER
0:21:25 > 0:21:27That was... I went to the attic.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Up in the attic I saw a hair-dryer and a banana.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31That's exactly what I saw.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35Then finally, in the garden, I saw a hammer and some Red Bull.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36There we go.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Take that one off.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Aaargh!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Jesus Christ!
0:21:42 > 0:21:45APPLAUSE
0:21:48 > 0:21:50LAUGHTER
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Listen, what I do in my garden is my own business!
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- LAUGHTER That worked.- Thanks very much.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- That's how you did it, using your imagination and the story.- Got it.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Trouble is, you're never going to forget that list.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02I'll never forget that list?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04You know one thing that'll never be forgotten? This.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Aaaagh!
0:22:06 > 0:22:08MAN IN BOX GIGGLES
0:22:08 > 0:22:09LAUGHTER
0:22:09 > 0:22:13Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my Mystery Guest!
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Now, Prince Charles wasn't the only Royal in the news.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22The Queen needs a new butler.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24'It looks like Her Majesty could do with a hand
0:22:24 > 0:22:26'keeping her house in order.
0:22:26 > 0:22:31'Posted on the Positions Vacant website for Buckingham Palace
0:22:31 > 0:22:33'is this job for a housekeeping assistant.'
0:22:33 > 0:22:37Working at Buckingham Palace, imagine the things you'd see.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Whoa!
0:22:41 > 0:22:45I'd leave that five minutes if I were you. Busted!
0:22:45 > 0:22:47So, cleaning royal turds all day,
0:22:47 > 0:22:49you'd probably get paid a fortune, right?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Don't expect to earn a fortune.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53At £14,200 per annum,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56it's not the best-paid job in the world.
0:22:56 > 0:22:5914 grand? What a tight arse!
0:22:59 > 0:23:02"Chop, chop, pauper, Charles needs his testicles buffed."
0:23:02 > 0:23:05LAUGHTER
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Still, there are worse jobs. Check this out!
0:23:14 > 0:23:17That is not a job. That is a farmer taking the piss.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21"I can't believe it worked, all I need now is a tin man, a lion
0:23:21 > 0:23:22"and I got me The Wizard of Oz."
0:23:22 > 0:23:25I know what you're thinking.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27What's the best thing about being a scarecrow?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30'It has perks, I mean, I listen to podcasts.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32'I was listening to a debate between
0:23:32 > 0:23:34'Christopher Hitchens and somebody about
0:23:34 > 0:23:36'the beginnings of the universe,'
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I looked up, saw a squirrel doing acrobatics in a tree. It's got variety.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43"I mean, yeah, my mates are earning money, meeting new people,
0:23:43 > 0:23:46"but have they seen a squirrel do a star jump?"
0:23:46 > 0:23:48LAUGHTER
0:23:48 > 0:23:50"I'm so lonely!"
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Mind you, he shouldn't be sad.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54I've seen worse things happen in a field!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57LAUGHTER
0:23:57 > 0:23:58How unlucky is that cow?
0:23:58 > 0:24:01"I've got me head stuck, what's the worst that can...
0:24:01 > 0:24:04"Oh, no, Darren, no!"
0:24:04 > 0:24:07So you're probably thinking royal cleaners, scarecrows -
0:24:07 > 0:24:10jobs don't get weirder than that! Well, check out what this guy
0:24:10 > 0:24:12in America does for a living.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Communication is a big part of what I teach.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17'Eric Amaranth is a coach.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20'His teaching methods are a bit unorthodox.'
0:24:20 > 0:24:21Eric is a sex coach.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24He's a sex coach.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27So, does he chat to people about their hang-ups, show them diagrams?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Oh, no.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32He feels that he's more helpful to his clients
0:24:32 > 0:24:35when he actually watches them have sex.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37That's right, as in standing at the foot of their bed.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39"Hello!"
0:24:39 > 0:24:41LAUGHTER
0:24:41 > 0:24:42How weird would that be?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45You're trying to have sex, there's a bloke there going,
0:24:45 > 0:24:46"That's right, yeah."
0:24:46 > 0:24:47LAUGHTER
0:24:47 > 0:24:50"Yeah, yeah. Go on!
0:24:50 > 0:24:52"Hit her on the head with it, it gets rid of wrinkles."
0:24:52 > 0:24:54LAUGHTER
0:24:54 > 0:24:57It's ridiculous! A sex coach. It's like something out of the '70s.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59What does his advert look like? This?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Child support? Get f...
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Hi, I'm Sex Coach.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06With me in your life, you'll go from this...
0:25:08 > 0:25:09..to this!
0:25:10 > 0:25:12- Yes!- Sex Coach!
0:25:12 > 0:25:14I never used to find my wife attractive,
0:25:14 > 0:25:18until Sex Coach showed me an ingenious new method.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21LAUGHTER
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Sex Coach!
0:25:22 > 0:25:24I'll even help gay men!
0:25:24 > 0:25:28But I will not be in the room.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30So what are you waiting for?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Call me on 1800,
0:25:32 > 0:25:35argh, argh, argh!
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Don't take my word for it, check out what this guy thought...
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Very nice!
0:25:40 > 0:25:43APPLAUSE
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Finally tonight, an amazing story
0:25:50 > 0:25:53about an 11-year-old girl called Maria Rowe.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55'This afternoon, 11-year-old Maria Rowe
0:25:55 > 0:25:58'is enjoying an after-school snack with her father, John.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01'He's still recovering from a major heart attack,
0:26:01 > 0:26:04'a day she will never forget.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08'Maria was watching TV when her dad collapsed and stopped breathing.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12'She dialled 999 for an ambulance. This is a recording of that call.'
0:26:33 > 0:26:37'Maria Rowe told the operator she knew what to do.'
0:26:37 > 0:26:39I told my mum to put my dad on the floor,
0:26:39 > 0:26:42because I was going to do CPR.
0:26:42 > 0:26:47My dad was a bit heavy, so we both had to carry him down.
0:26:47 > 0:26:52On the third round of CPR, my dad kind of breathed back to me.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56Then the ambulance came and I was sent out of the room.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00She said, "Calm down, Mummy. I will bring back Daddy."
0:27:00 > 0:27:05It takes a lot of nerve to give CPR, no matter how old you are.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09REPORTER: Considering your daughter's just 11?
0:27:09 > 0:27:11She's a miracle worker. My angel.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13REPORTER: 'Maria learnt her first aid as a cadet
0:27:13 > 0:27:15'with the St John Ambulance
0:27:15 > 0:27:18'and they've now nominated her for a national award.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21'But Maria is unfazed. She says she's studying hard -
0:27:21 > 0:27:22'she wants to be a doctor -
0:27:22 > 0:27:25'and is just happy to have her dad back.'
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Excellent. There you go.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28APPLAUSE
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Next up, it's time for my stand-up guest, his name is Nathan Caton,
0:27:34 > 0:27:36he's very funny and has won many awards,
0:27:36 > 0:27:38so please welcome the wonderful Nathan Caton!
0:27:38 > 0:27:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Hey, hey, hey. Yeah. Hello.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Hello, guys. You guys all right? CHEERING
0:27:50 > 0:27:54Good, good, good. I should introduce myself - my name's Nathan Caton.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56I'm a... I'm a Londoner. Any Londoners in?
0:27:56 > 0:27:59CHEERING Yeah, I'm a Londoner.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02A very proud Londoner, too, you know? After the summer that we had,
0:28:02 > 0:28:04hosting the Olympics - did we enjoy the Olympics?
0:28:04 > 0:28:08CHEERING They were good, innit? They were surprisingly good.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10That's what made it even better.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Let's be honest - before the Olympics started
0:28:12 > 0:28:15there was that typical British attitude towards it, innit?
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Only in Great Britain could we have the Olympics,
0:28:17 > 0:28:19the world's greatest sporting event,
0:28:19 > 0:28:21and still be pissed off about it, all right?
0:28:21 > 0:28:23We're the only nation...
0:28:23 > 0:28:27Like, in Australia in 2000 when they got the Olympics they were over the moon.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29They were like, "Yeah, we got the Olympics!"
0:28:29 > 0:28:33In Greece in 2004 they were like, "Yes! The games come home!"
0:28:33 > 0:28:37We get the Olympics and we're like, "Oh, for fuck's sake."
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Who's paying for this shit?
0:28:40 > 0:28:42I liked the Olympics, man.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44I think what I liked the most about the Olympics was the way
0:28:44 > 0:28:47it inspired young people to get involved in sport, you know?
0:28:47 > 0:28:49the whole "inspire a generation". I thought that was lovely.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52A prime example was the lighting of the Olympic flame.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Everyone thought it would be Sir Steve Redgrave
0:28:54 > 0:28:56or Daley Thompson, but they got seven young people to do it,
0:28:56 > 0:29:00which I thought was lovely because if you remember correctly,
0:29:00 > 0:29:03the last summer we had where there was a bunch of young people running round London...
0:29:05 > 0:29:09..with a fire in their hand wasn't exactly Olympic, was it?
0:29:09 > 0:29:13I mean, technically some of them were going for gold.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18Actually, I was fortunate enough to go to a few events, actually.
0:29:18 > 0:29:20I went to the Olympic Park. That was cool.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23Apart from all the random people who were coming up to me going,
0:29:23 > 0:29:27"Oh, my gosh! You were so unlucky against Usain!"
0:29:31 > 0:29:33Racist.
0:29:33 > 0:29:38I also got denied entry into one of the arenas, too.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40I got denied entry into one of the venues
0:29:40 > 0:29:43for being too sarcastic towards one of the volunteers.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46In my defence, she bloody deserved it, all right?
0:29:46 > 0:29:48What happened was me and my brother,
0:29:48 > 0:29:51we went to see the shooting at the Royal Artillery barracks.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53We get to the venue, we get to the entrance.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56The volunteers are there with scanners for our tickets.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59One was a very enthusiastic middle-aged white lady.
0:29:59 > 0:30:01She jumped in front of me and my brother and she goes,
0:30:01 > 0:30:05"Hello! Good afternoon, how are you?
0:30:05 > 0:30:07"Are you two here for the shooting?"
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Now, if I was sensible, I would have just said, "Yes,"
0:30:16 > 0:30:19but naturally I'm quite sarcastic so instead what came out of my mouth
0:30:19 > 0:30:21was, "Two young black guys, that's what you think?
0:30:21 > 0:30:22"That's what you think, yeah?"
0:30:22 > 0:30:24She shat herself.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28"No, no, no - I'm not racist. No, no!
0:30:28 > 0:30:30"My next-door neighbour's black!"
0:30:32 > 0:30:35APPLAUSE
0:30:38 > 0:30:40See, that's the thing. I've noticed in the UK
0:30:40 > 0:30:42we do get very touchy about appearing racist
0:30:42 > 0:30:44and the whole issue of race.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46I personally think relax. Chill out, man.
0:30:46 > 0:30:49My neighbour, for example. I've got a neighbour called Mrs Bishop.
0:30:49 > 0:30:53Lovely, sweet old lady but she's petrified of appearing racist.
0:30:53 > 0:30:55So much so that whenever she talks to me or my family,
0:30:55 > 0:30:58she never says the word "black".
0:30:58 > 0:31:00Instead she says "Urban".
0:31:05 > 0:31:06She'll say something like,
0:31:06 > 0:31:09"Nathan, do you know that little urban kid from number five?
0:31:09 > 0:31:12"You know, with the big urban hair?"
0:31:12 > 0:31:14I'm like, "Mrs Bishop, you don't have to say that.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16"That's dumb on so many different levels.
0:31:16 > 0:31:20"One, urban is not an adequate replacement for black, OK?
0:31:20 > 0:31:23"Urban's a city, hence anyone can be urban, right?
0:31:23 > 0:31:26"Two, the word black isn't racist - it's a colour, right?
0:31:26 > 0:31:28"I'm not going to get upset over a colour.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31"I'm a human being, not a bull.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34"And, three, even if the word black was racist,
0:31:34 > 0:31:36"I still wouldn't be offended if you said it.
0:31:36 > 0:31:39"Cos you're black, too."
0:31:41 > 0:31:43APPLAUSE
0:31:49 > 0:31:53So, yeah. That was my Olympic experience, man. I did enjoy it.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55We've had a very good summer this year.
0:31:55 > 0:31:57We've been spoiled for a lot of events.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00Like, we had the Olympics, the Paralympics. Had the Jubilee as well.
0:32:00 > 0:32:03I celebrated the Jubilee.
0:32:03 > 0:32:06To be honest, I didn't celebrate it as much as I wanted to.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08I wanted to go out to a street party to celebrate,
0:32:08 > 0:32:11but I didn't go because I got scared.
0:32:11 > 0:32:14Where I live there were lots of Union Jacks everywhere
0:32:14 > 0:32:16and it looked a bit BNP, right?
0:32:18 > 0:32:20I know that sounds quite dumb, but the thing is where I live,
0:32:20 > 0:32:24I live in a predominantly white area cos I've got money.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31Not really - they're Polish.
0:32:32 > 0:32:34APPLAUSE
0:32:39 > 0:32:40Still quite scary though.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43I did want to celebrate because I do like the royal family, man.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46I do like them. Well, actually, when I say I like the royal family,
0:32:46 > 0:32:49what I really mean is I love Prince Harry.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52Prince Harry's a funny fucker, man. Some of the stuff that he does...
0:32:52 > 0:32:54Like the naked photo of him in Las Vegas.
0:32:54 > 0:32:55I thought that was hilarious, man.
0:32:55 > 0:32:58So many people were slagging him off. Leave him alone.
0:32:58 > 0:33:01It shows he's a normal guy who does normal dumb shit, you know?
0:33:01 > 0:33:04Leave him alone, man. Leave my Prince Harry alone.
0:33:04 > 0:33:07Also, some of the stuff that Prince Harry says as well makes me laugh,
0:33:07 > 0:33:10like a few months ago he was talking to the US media.
0:33:10 > 0:33:13He was talking about his difficulties that he was having in his love life
0:33:13 > 0:33:18because apparently Prince Harry's finding it hard to attract a woman.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21Piss off. You're a prince, dickhead.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24How hard can it be to attract a woman when you're a prince?
0:33:24 > 0:33:27I've seen Coming To America, I've seen Aladdin. It's not that hard.
0:33:27 > 0:33:31But it's not like he's a regular bloke who has to do regular bloke things.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35Like, guys, when we want to attract a woman we have to make an effort, innit?
0:33:35 > 0:33:38We have to do all of the boring, unnecessary stuff, you know?
0:33:38 > 0:33:40Like listening.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44Prince Harry, he ain't got to do that. He's a Prince.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47He's got the easiest chat-up line in the world.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50He can walk up to any girl and go, "Hey, baby. How are you doing?
0:33:50 > 0:33:52"Sick and tired of paying tax?"
0:33:54 > 0:33:57That's it. Who's going to say no to that?
0:33:57 > 0:33:59I wouldn't even say no to that.
0:33:59 > 0:34:03I'm not even gay, but even I'd be like, "Hmm...
0:34:03 > 0:34:07"I don't like sucking dick, but I really don't like paying tax."
0:34:08 > 0:34:11That's not being gay - that's economical.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15No, I would. I don't give a shit.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19A lot of guys freak out when you ask them that.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21I was talking to my brother, right?
0:34:21 > 0:34:23Me and my brother having banter, playing Fifa or whatever
0:34:23 > 0:34:26and I said to him, "Bruv, can I ask you a question?"
0:34:26 > 0:34:28He was like, "Yeah, what, yeah, yeah, what?"
0:34:28 > 0:34:31I was like, "Bruv, it's hypothetical, all right?
0:34:31 > 0:34:34"If you could go the rest of your life without paying any tax,
0:34:34 > 0:34:36"would you suck Prince Harry's dick?"
0:34:36 > 0:34:38And he went, "Oh, blood, I ain't doing that, man!
0:34:38 > 0:34:42"That's disgusting, blood, nah, man." I was like, "OK, chill out.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44"It's just a question. You ain't got to be homophobic."
0:34:44 > 0:34:47And he was like, "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. I don't care about being gay.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49"He's ginger, innit?"
0:34:51 > 0:34:54APPLAUSE
0:34:57 > 0:35:02That's my brother, man. My brother's 17. Just turned 17.
0:35:02 > 0:35:05He's one of those young, you know, wannabe bad boys.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08Like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, you get me? Oh, my days, yeah?
0:35:08 > 0:35:10"But still, you get me, yeah? You get me?"
0:35:10 > 0:35:13Yeah, one of them bell-ends.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17I mean, I love him, but we don't see eye-to-eye on certain stuff now.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19He doesn't think I'm cool and young and hip any more.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21And also, when he tries to be a bad boy,
0:35:21 > 0:35:24every now and again he gets me into trouble, right?
0:35:24 > 0:35:25Because I'm his older brother.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28Right, at the start of the year he got into a fight at school
0:35:28 > 0:35:30and because I'm the eldest my mother came up to me.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33So, "Nathan, come here, come here. Listen, talk to your brother, OK?
0:35:33 > 0:35:37"He got into a fight at school and he got suspended as well. Right, listen.
0:35:37 > 0:35:39"Talk to the boy or I'm going to kill him."
0:35:39 > 0:35:42I'm like, "Don't worry, man. I'll sort it out."
0:35:42 > 0:35:44So the next day rolls around. It's lunch time.
0:35:44 > 0:35:47Just me and my brother sitting in the house.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50He's sitting there doing nothing cos he's been suspended from school
0:35:50 > 0:35:53and I'm sitting there doing nothing cos my career's on fire
0:35:53 > 0:35:56so I thought it'd be a good time to talk, right?
0:35:56 > 0:35:59I say, "Bruv. Why are you fighting at school, man?
0:35:59 > 0:36:01"You know better than that. Gwan."
0:36:01 > 0:36:04And my brother, he's like, "Oh, yeah. Cool, yeah. Cool, yeah. Cool, yeah.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06"Cool, yeah. Cool, yeah. Cool, yeah. Cool, yeah.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09"Safe, yeah. Safe, yeah. Safe, yeah. Safe, yeah.
0:36:09 > 0:36:12"Cool, yeah. Cool, yeah. Safe, yeah. Safe, yeah.
0:36:12 > 0:36:15"You get me, you get me, you get me.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17"OK, basically, OK, basically, yo, blood,
0:36:17 > 0:36:19"yo, blood, yo, blood, yo, blood.
0:36:19 > 0:36:21"You know where I go? You know where I go, yeah?
0:36:21 > 0:36:22"You know where I go in the morning, yeah?
0:36:22 > 0:36:24"You know where I go in the morning, yeah?
0:36:24 > 0:36:27"Yeah, I'm at school, I'm at school, I'm at school, yeah, right?
0:36:27 > 0:36:31"After school, yeah, this little kid, yeah, yeah, younger than me, yeah?
0:36:31 > 0:36:33"Man don't even know me, man don't even know me,
0:36:33 > 0:36:35"still, though, blood, yeah." Man comes up to me, yeah,
0:36:35 > 0:36:38"and he starts pushing me. I'm like, you don't know me.
0:36:38 > 0:36:40"Don't push me, you don't even know me,
0:36:40 > 0:36:41"Then, yeah, man starts poking me.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44"I'm like, bruv, don't poke me. It's not Facebook, yeah?
0:36:44 > 0:36:45"Don't poke me, don't poke me, yeah?
0:36:45 > 0:36:48"Man got my bag, yeah? And chucked it over the fence, innit, yeah?
0:36:48 > 0:36:51"I ain't going to have that. It's my bag, I like it, yeah?
0:36:51 > 0:36:52"So I grab his bag, too, yeah?
0:36:52 > 0:36:55"And I chucked his as well, yeah, then he hit me in my face, yeah?
0:36:55 > 0:36:57"In my face, yeah? And you know Mum, you know Mum?
0:36:57 > 0:37:00"You know the woman who gave birth to...? Oh, you know her!
0:37:00 > 0:37:02"Safe, safe, safe, safe. You know Mum, yeah?
0:37:02 > 0:37:05You know Mum always says if someone hits you, hit 'em, back, yeah?
0:37:05 > 0:37:07"He hit me in the face, yeah? So I hit him back.
0:37:07 > 0:37:08"Standard."
0:37:10 > 0:37:12APPLAUSE
0:37:16 > 0:37:18Thanks for clapping because I'll be honest -
0:37:18 > 0:37:21I didn't know what the hell he was talking about, all right?
0:37:21 > 0:37:23All I heard was him go, "Standard," at the end, right?
0:37:23 > 0:37:26Like, I've noticed that my brother and his friends, they always go,
0:37:26 > 0:37:27"Standard," at the end of a sentence.
0:37:27 > 0:37:29I'm like, "Why would you say that?
0:37:29 > 0:37:31"I'm an adult - I can work out the end for myself, dickhead."
0:37:31 > 0:37:34Adults, we wouldn't say that because it would sound ridiculous.
0:37:34 > 0:37:38You know, like, say that for example, you're having sex with your partner.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41You're never going to see a man go, "Yeah, baby, I'm going to come, baby.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43"Oh, baby. Oh. Urgh.
0:37:43 > 0:37:44"Standard."
0:37:47 > 0:37:49APPLAUSE
0:37:53 > 0:37:55You wouldn't say that.
0:37:55 > 0:37:57But I guarantee someone is going to say it this week.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00So, uh... So I looked at my little brother.
0:38:00 > 0:38:02I was like, "Bruv, I tell you what, yeah?
0:38:02 > 0:38:05"Tomorrow, when you go to school, right, I'll come and pick you up, right?
0:38:05 > 0:38:08"We'll talk to the boy and we'll sort it all out. Don't worry."
0:38:08 > 0:38:10So next day I meet my brother after school.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12I'm like, "Bruv, where is this kid, man? Let's go and sort stuff out."
0:38:12 > 0:38:15And we walk around to a nearby bus stop, right,
0:38:15 > 0:38:16and he points out this tall, lanky kid.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19Now, the kid is only 14, but he's so lanky
0:38:19 > 0:38:22he looks like he's 30 or some shit, right?
0:38:22 > 0:38:25I was like, "Holy shit, bruv. Yo, bruv, that at the size of him, man.
0:38:25 > 0:38:27"Yeah, I tell you what, I tell you what, yeah?
0:38:27 > 0:38:30"You walk behind me, all right? I'm going to handle this one."
0:38:30 > 0:38:32So I walk up to the boy.
0:38:34 > 0:38:36That's how you have to approach young kids.
0:38:36 > 0:38:38You can't walk up to a young kid all relaxed and casual.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40That's how you get stabbed.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46"Yo, blood? Come here.
0:38:46 > 0:38:48"Yeah, so...
0:38:48 > 0:38:52"Word on the street is you've got a problem with my brother.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54"Well, guess what?
0:38:54 > 0:38:57"You got a problem with him, you got a problem with me."
0:38:57 > 0:39:00And he looks at me and goes, "Yeah. I've got a problem with your brother.
0:39:00 > 0:39:04"He thinks he's the man just because you've been on television."
0:39:04 > 0:39:06Now, I'm not going to lie.
0:39:06 > 0:39:09When he said that there was a tiny part of me
0:39:09 > 0:39:12that wanted to look at my brother and go,
0:39:12 > 0:39:14"He has got a point, though!"
0:39:16 > 0:39:18"Standard!"
0:39:18 > 0:39:20But then the boy goes, "You know what?
0:39:20 > 0:39:23"You're not even funny, dickhead."
0:39:23 > 0:39:26As soon as he says that, I'm like, "Oh, shit, it's on now."
0:39:26 > 0:39:28I'm not going to have that.
0:39:28 > 0:39:31I'm a comedian so I make a little cheeky comment back.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33I go, "Hey, relax, relax. Don't be jealous. You could be the man, too.
0:39:33 > 0:39:37"After all, we all saw your family on My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding."
0:39:37 > 0:39:39- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:39:39 > 0:39:40Yeah, boom.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43Soon as I say that, all of the kids that are standing around us,
0:39:43 > 0:39:45they start laughing, right?
0:39:45 > 0:39:47Now, I don't know if you've ever seen high school kids
0:39:47 > 0:39:50when they're laughing together. They proper go for it, man.
0:39:50 > 0:39:53Cos I said the line and they were like,
0:39:53 > 0:39:56"Oh! Oh, no! Oh, shit!
0:39:56 > 0:40:00"Oh, my days, blood - he called your family gypsies! Oh!"
0:40:02 > 0:40:05Going mental And I'm standing there going, "Wow.
0:40:05 > 0:40:08"Can you guys come to my gigs?"
0:40:08 > 0:40:10So they are all laughing, right?
0:40:10 > 0:40:12The boy gets embarrassed cos everyone's laughing.
0:40:12 > 0:40:15He drops his back, he steps towards me, goes, "What?"
0:40:15 > 0:40:17I'm like, "Listen, bruv. You heard what I said, yeah?
0:40:17 > 0:40:18"Leave my brother alone."
0:40:18 > 0:40:22He takes another step forward and now he's, like, right in my face.
0:40:22 > 0:40:24And at that moment there were two things going through my head.
0:40:24 > 0:40:26The first thing was,
0:40:26 > 0:40:29"Whoa - how much Lynx did these boys wear nowadays, man?"
0:40:29 > 0:40:31And the second thing was, "Is he serious?
0:40:31 > 0:40:34"He's 14 years old and he's trying to intimidate me."
0:40:34 > 0:40:36That's not going to happen, OK?
0:40:36 > 0:40:40I refuse to be intimidated by someone who is younger than a Nokia 3210.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45APPLAUSE
0:40:49 > 0:40:52Obviously I'm not going to fight him, though. Because that's wrong.
0:40:52 > 0:40:53I'm an adult, he's a kid.
0:40:53 > 0:40:56I'm not going to put my hands on a minor, so I looked at him.
0:40:56 > 0:40:58I was like, "You know what, bruv?
0:40:58 > 0:41:01"Do me a favour - in fact, do yourself a favour and get out my face, bruv.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03"Trust me, man. Get out my face."
0:41:03 > 0:41:06And he looks at me and he goes, "Or what? Or what?"
0:41:06 > 0:41:09And this is when I proved for a fact to my brother
0:41:09 > 0:41:11that I'm no longer cool and young and hip any more
0:41:11 > 0:41:15because I came out with a line that I have never said before in my life
0:41:15 > 0:41:19and I'll never say again because, frankly, when I say it, I sound like a dick.
0:41:19 > 0:41:21I looked at this little kid and I honestly went,
0:41:21 > 0:41:25"Or it's going to go down in Chinatown."
0:41:26 > 0:41:29APPLAUSE
0:41:33 > 0:41:37It was so shit, even my brother went, "For fuck's sake."
0:41:38 > 0:41:40Listen, you guys have been lovely.
0:41:40 > 0:41:43I've been Nathan Caton. Thank you very much, goodnight.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:45 > 0:41:48Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Nathan Caton!
0:41:48 > 0:41:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:51 > 0:41:54Thank you very much for watching Good News.
0:41:54 > 0:41:57Goodnight, my friends. Goodnight.